All language subtitles for The.Lonely.Italian.2016.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG2_English

[bell dings]

[dramatic music]

Are you ready to make-a me
some pizzas?

-Whoo! Yeah!
-Yeah!

[Domenico] Ready?

Set.

Begin!

Do you believe this asshole?

That was me.

I come to America,
and two weeks in this country,

I got cast
on an MTV reality show.

I made women shove meatballs
in their mouths.

I made them suck the cream
out of cannolis

and spit it into a jar.

Their parents too.

I was offensive to my culture,

and I was a dick to women.

But who cares?
I was famous!

People threw money at me

just to show up
at their parties

and act like an idiot,

and women wanted to ride me
like a Vespa scooter.

I was on top of the world.

But just like that,
it was all over.

No more parties.
No more TV shows.

No more women riding me
like a Vespa scooter.

But it's okay.

I don't do this
reality stuff no more.

I'm not interested
in putting myself

in strange vaginas.

I'm ready to love
and to be loved.

But it's impossible
to meet women now.

Look at them!

They keep staring
at their cell phones

and computers and shit,

and they don't look
at the world around them

so they can see
a semi-good-looking Italian guy

who wants to talk to them.

This is very sad for me,

for my heart,

and for my balls.

Is that for here or to go?

To go, please.

[Battles' "Ice Cream"]

[rock music]

♪

Why does nobody want to love me?

[man singing indistinctly]

♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado
derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado
derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado
derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪

♪ Simple, yes, my friend

-Who are you?
-I'm Julie.

I'm Julie Spira.

I'm a digital matchmaker

and an online dating expert,

and I'm going to help you
find love online.

What kind of picture
should I take to have people

that are gonna be
interested in me?

Okay, first of all,

you should post
three to five photos.

That's my magic number.
No more, no less.

Less, people think
you're hiding something.

Maybe you're fat and you're not
showing your whole body.

People want to see
full-length shots.

Your primary shot
just needs to be a close-up.

Should I hold my belly in or...

You shouldn't wear
a T-shirt that says "sex"...

-Oh, that's a friend of mine.
-Okay, on your profile.

Yeah, no. Not a good idea.

Okay. So this is because

then I'm gonna give
the wrong impression.

Well, then they're gonna think
you're on the wrong site.

-Makes sense.
-Okay.

So let me show--
these are the pictures

that I'm actually having.

-Let's see.
-Okay.

I'm not technological.

Okay.

Right here.

It's...

And loading.

Still loading.

I just renew the contract
with Sprint.

They locked me
for another two years,

and I never get reception,

so if I'm about to die
and I have to call 911,

I will die 'cause of Sprint.

Um...

-These are the pictures.
-Okay.

I actually have five on this.

Oh, my gosh. No way.

-That's my side.
-Oh, no, no, no.

And that's a very sexual--
I used, like, 75 filters

to make me look unbelievable.

I mean, I would wonder, like,
how many piercings you have

and if there's an ax
in your back pocket.

You are not putting that
as a primary photo.

-That is my primary photo now.
-That's your primary photo?

-It is.
-You got to be kidding.

No, no. That's a primary photo.

You got to change it.
Show me the next picture.

So this is in a T-shirt.

I just went
to the Rolling Stone concert.

Oh, I loved
the Rolling Stones concert.

I went too. Wasn't that great?
It's a selfie.

I would crop it so we don't
really see the bed so much

and it's more you,
because you're wearing a tongue,

and there's a bed
in the background.

It's very sexual.

Which I usually wear, like,
not really tongues

but, like,
very tight underwear.

-Okay. Next picture.
-Oh, let me see this.

And here I'd actually wrote,
"I just bought my first jet."

That was the thing that I wrote.

-Yeah, but then you're lying.
-Yes, I am.

Definitely lying 'cause it was,
like, $50 million.

Well, you can't lie and say,
"I bought the jet,"

because a woman's gonna think
you really have the jet,

and it's like, a guy that stands

in front of a Ferrari
on his profile photos,

it's usually his neighbor's car.

-Yeah, that makes sense.
-Women are hip to that.

No. You can't use that.

And then it's me
drinking wine.

Huge passion, as Italian,
for wine,

and that's a very sexy face that
I'm doing while I'm enjoying.

-It's very sexy face.
-Deep. It's a deep face.

Like the wine that I'm drinking.

I love this photo.

This photo is an absolute yes.

[men singing in Italian]

-Who are you?
-My name is Dr. Andrea Kasper.

I have a recent PhD
in sociology from UCLA,

and I have an online
radio show called

"Get Together
with Dr. Andrea Kasper."

Oh, I see.

Is online dating just for people

who wants to fuck right away?

Because this is not
what I'm looking for.

I mean, of course
I want to fuck,

but I would love to have, like,

a nice romantic dinner first.

Something not too
expensive, obviously.

$30, $40 per person,

with gratuity.

I think that individuals
need to think

about how they want
to comport themselves

in a different way sexually.

If someone is only interested
in sexual relationship

and you're not,
maybe it's appropriate

to have a conversation with her

about what she's interested in
and what you're interested in.

So should I introduce myself
to these women and say,

"When you want to fuck?"

And if they say, "Right away,"
then I know

that they're not
the right girls for me.

I would prefer if you
didn't use profanity with me.

Should I use, like,
technical words?

-No. Just use, like--
-Scientific words?

No, like--no, you can just
say "have sex with."

-Technical words.
-No. "Have sex with" is fine.

-Like "intercourse," perhaps?
-No, "have sex with" is fine.

-Okay.
-It's fine. I just--

I don't want to use profanity,

because I'm a professional,
so...

I won't.

Let's say I go online
and I see this woman

and like her a lot and when
I meet her, she has funny eyes.

One eye goes this way.

The other eye
goes the other way.

What should I do in this case?

Should I split my time equally

and look at one eye at a time,

or I should I just look
in the middle?

My research doesn't focus
on that,

so I think
I would really like it

if you would just stick

to what's relevant
to this, okay?

So there are a lot
of websites out there.

Which one do you think
is the right website for me?

Well, I think it depends
on what you're going for.

I mean, there are sites
that cater to every individual.

There are sites that cater
to people who like salads,

who like hot sauce,

and there are sites that cater
to every niche.

There are also sites that cater

to different
demographic groups--

Jewish people, Christian people,
African-American people.

So there's sites
for everybody, really.

It just sort of depends
on what you're looking for.

So do you think if I go online,

am I gonna be successful
to find love?

-I can't answer that question.
-Do you find me attractive?

N--that's not
an appropriate question.

I'm not here to--
it's an inappropriate question.

I mean, as a human being,

do you think
I'm a good-looking guy?

Listen, I'm an online dating
expert.

I can't assess you physically.

I'm not. You're saying I'm not.

No. No, I'm not gonna
answer that question.

-Are you single, perhaps?
-Again, irrelevant.

Well, I really want
to thank you, Doctor,

for having me here today.

I really learned a lot.

So thank you so much
for having me.

Ask me the next question.

"What kind of pubic hair
do you prefer on your partner?"

Human. Next question.

"How much time
do you spend masturbating?"

Weekdays or weekends?

-It doesn't say.
-Next question.

"If a clone was made of you,
would you sleep with it?"

Wait, do you mean a clone
of me with a pussy?

It doesn't say.

I mean, with a pussy, yes.

Without a pussy, yes.

-[keyboard keys clacking]
-Okay.

"Under the right circumstances,

would you allow a partner
to lick your anus?"

Is this a real question?

It's--that's what it says.

It's disgusting.

I mean, of course yes,
but don't say yes.

Otherwise I'm just gonna get
nasty girls

who takes, like,
penicillin all the time.

Say no.

[keyboard keys clacking]

[computer beeps]

-Someone is contacting you.
-Already?

That's amazing.

"Hello. I saw your profile.

"Would you be interested
in getting together sometime?

Smiley face. Carolyn."

She's cute.

Good thing I didn't say
I like my butt to be licked.

[jazzy music]

-How's everything going?
-[Carolyn] Good. How are you?

You look very nice,
by the way.

-Thank you.
-I see. I see.

-Do I look like you expected?
-Yeah.

Well, you look pretty much

-like your picture.
-Yeah.

Have you ever dated
an Italian before?

Like, have you been going out
with an Italian, or...

No. No.
I've been to Italy, though.

So what made you go online?

One of my friends
was telling me about it.

You know, I was bored one night,
and I was like,

"I'm just gonna try this,"
and then, you know,

it's kind of--
it feels kind of like a game,

and then you're like,
"Wait, this is actually--

I could actually
meet people this way."

By the way, would you like
to eat something?

-Yeah.
-What do you want to eat?

That pizza smells good.

So you have some sauce
in your teeth.

-Do I?
-Yeah.

A little bit. No, I'm kidding.

Oh, I hate you.
Oh, my God, you're the worst.

Did you ever sleep with anybody
that you met online?

Um, I mean,

I think--I think
by meeting people online,

then you can, you know,
find people to date

and start relationships.

So yes.
The answer would be yes.

So you slept already
with somebody?

-I'm not gonna be the first?
-From online, yes.

No, like, you're not
the first person.

So you're already
actually acknowledging

that we're gonna sleep together?

-[Sarah] Hello.
-Hi. How are you?

I'm good.

-Oh, this is--
-Let me.

It's hard to get out of there.

-No, this...
-[laughing]

It's okay.

Mwah. Domenico.
Nice meeting you.

Aww, nice to meet you.

Take me forever to--
I'm out of breath.

It's a workout.

-I know.
-[laughing]

-You look beautiful.
-Oh, thank you so much.

Like, in person, you look--
honestly.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Honestly, you look way better
in person than in the picture.

-You're very kind.
-You like me already?

-[laughs] Of course.
-Yeah?

You're Italian.
How could I not like you?

-Where are you from?
-I'm actually Italian as well.

-What?
-Only just--just a tiny bit.

-Only 25%.
-Okay.

-25% is from where in Italy?
-Yeah.

My family's from Calabria.

What?
That's where my family's from.

-No way.
-Yes.

-Really?
-Maybe we're cousins

and we don't know.

[laughing] I know.

-Well, my last name is Spaniolo.
-Spaniolo?

-Uh-huh.
-Spagnola?

Spaniolo. And so--

You don't want to know
what "spagnola,"

-in slang, means.
-What is it? Oh.

You really don't want to know
what "spagnola" means.

-Oh, no. Is it derogatory?
-No. Spagnola.

You really want to know
what "spagnola" means?

-I do.
-Are you sure?

-This is Italian slang.
-Okay.

"Spagnola" means when you take
your penis and you

-put it into a woman's boobs.
-Oh.

You go up and down,
up and down.

Who are you?

Oh, that's such
a blunt question.

David Wygant.
15 years of doing this--

teaching men how to be men,
'cause most men

walk around with no balls,
scared to death

to approach or talk to a woman

or flirt with a woman
or claim a woman,

and then I teach women
how to be claimed,

because basically we're just
cavemen and cavewomen, right?

We're a man. You want to go.
You want to take a woman,

pull her by the hair,
pull her into your man cave,

and do what you want with it,

and women want to do
the same thing back.

Well, men don't know
how to be men.

So I teach men
how to understand

and navigate the scope of dating

so they're able
to be successful with women

no matter what they choose.

So I can technically pull
a woman's hair in my house

without getting arrested?

Absolutely.
Well, you know, the--

Come on.
How many women you been with?

They love the hair pulled,

or they like to be choked

or their butt slapped, right?

I mean, what is it nowadays?
You know why?

Because women
want their hair pulled

and they want to be choked

because most men
aren't dominant enough.

What do you think I should do
on the first date?

Where should I take her?

I'm simple on a first date,
okay?

First off, like,
I'm not a bankroll.

I'm not feeding you.
This isn't "feed the homeless."

Most guys kind of wine and dine,

and the fact of the matter,
especially online,

let's face the fact, she's got
eight pictures up, right?

If you're attracted
to the ugliest version

of those eight pictures,

that's what she
probably looks like.

So she's not gonna be
exactly what I think

-that she's gonna be?
-No, no, no.

I call it
the mental masturbation.

You know, all of a sudden,
you see her pictures

and then she's really hot,

and then there's always
one picture there

and you say to yourself,
"Fuck, man.

I hope she doesn't look
like that picture."

That's what she looks like.

So you want to take her
somewhere cheap.

Otherwise you're bankrolling
all these bad Internet dates.

So what if I go to the date

and she's actually
extremely ugly?

What should I do?

Should I stay 20 minutes
to be nice,

or should I leave right away?

No, you got to network for--

you got to network for pussy.

Okay, this is where most guys

make the biggest mistake
in the entire world.

She knows she's extremely ugly.
Well, then again,

every woman thinks
they have good-looking friends,

so she doesn't know she's ugly.

What I do is, I'm really nice.

I mean, I've had train wrecks.

I remember one time
I was dating,

and this woman starts--I was
in Brentwood sitting at a cafe,

and this woman with a limp
starts limping towards me,

like--like--almost like--
you know, almost like--

like she had, like--
like, a--like, a--

like, a crowbar in her ass

that was fucking on fire,
you know?

She all of a sudden--
and I look, and I go,

"Oh, my God, the ugliest picture

worse than I've ever imagined."

She goes, "David?" And I almost
felt like going, "Who? Who?"

You know, just joking around.

I gave her an hour
and a half of my time

'cause for one, I realized
she's a human being, okay?

I gave her an hour and a half,
and I was really sweet.

Really nice to her, you know?

And at the end, I looked at her,
and I said,

"You know what?
You're an awesome woman.

I just don't feel
the chemistry."

Three weeks later,
I was shopping in Whole Foods.

She was there.

She had the most
gorgeous friend.

I walked over to her
and gave her a big hug,

and I went out with her friend.

-Unbelievable.
-You got to do that.

'Cause you never know
what's gonna happen

down the road, and most guys,
unfortunately,

they're always looking--
they're--

they're always looking
with their dick at that moment,

and to me, I look at women
as, like, a stock portfolio.

It's like a pussy portfolio.

It's like, it doesn't matter
what you meet today.

It's how big
is your pussy portfolio?

Sometimes it's gonna pay off
in the future.

So should we make an actual
pussy portfolio at home?

Yeah.
You can make a pussy portfolio.

-Yeah. Absolutely.
-To keep track.

I mean,
the Jewish women are fun.

I mean, you get
a Jewish woman over 35,

and she becomes your whore.

-Jewish woman?
-Yeah.

Jewish people are very serious,
like Catholic women.

Jewish women are the ones
that you can--

They want their hair pulled.
They want to be choked.

They want you to jerk off
on their face.

You know, they're, like,
the dirtiest women

-in the entire world.
-Unbelievable.

Because they have, like,
this sexual freedom.

You got to read.

What I always say,
look at the pictures first.

Always pick the--
if you're still attracted

to the ugly version of her
on the ugliest picture,

imagine that's what she is.

Avoid women that are out there

partying with their friends,
drinking,

'cause you're gonna get
the dumb party girl,

the one that becomes
psychotic in bed.

So avoid women that have
alcoholic beverages

in their pictures, right?
So you can eliminate them.

Secondly, you want to get rid
of the "Hey, scumbag" woman.

-"Hey, scumbag?"
-Yeah.

She's the "Hey, scumbag"
profile.

She'll write this.
She'll list something.

"Hey, scumbag,
if you're one of those guys

"that are married,
don't contact me.

If you're one of those guys,"
you know,

"that don't want a relationship,
don't contact me.

"If you're one of those guys
that don't want to have kids

and a minivan in two years,
don't contact me."

And women will write that.

That's the "Hey, scumbag"
profile.

So that's the woman that you
basically want to contact

and just fuck her
and just be the scumbag

just to her,
because she deserves it.

'Cause she needs
to be punished for that.

Absolutely she needs
to be punished.

She's a bitch.
You've got another profile too.

You got the woman that's
basically lining you up

as Daddy right away.

Usually they're, like, 34 to 42.

"I'm at a stage in my life
right now

where I can't waste
any more time."

Basically she's telling you,
"My eggs are cooking.

"They're in the oven right now.
I want kids.

"I want to meet a man, and I
want to throw him in a minivan

and de-ball him immediately,"

and she just wants the guy
that's just gonna, like,

deliver that fucking sperm.

It's, like, almost like,
you know, "Hey, knock, knock."

"Who's there?"
"Sperm." You know.

And then you got the single
mother who will write,

"I don't have time to date."
Those are my favorite.

The "I don't have time
to date" profiles.

What the fuck
are you doing online?

You don't have time to date?
What are you doing here?

-Makes sense.
-"I don't have time to date.

I thought I'd give it a try."

And that leads
to that next profile,

the "I'm embarrassed
to be on here" profile.

So that's my favorite person.
"I can't believe I'm on here."

So then I'll write back to them,
like, "I can't believe

"I'm on here, either.
It's so ridiculous.

"I'm so embarrassed.
We could tell people

we met somewhere else.
It's our secret," you know?

It's like, some secret.

I've already sent the link
to 500 of my friends

telling them I'm gonna
go bang you tonight.

I joined one or two
more websites today.

Pasta Roni.

-Maybe three.
-No, no. The other one.

-Fine. Four.
-Did you do Tinder?

-What is Tinder?
-Give me your phone.

Hamburger Helper.

[mellow music]

♪

You see a picture of a girl.

If you like her,
you swipe right.

If you don't like,
you swipe left.

Oh, it's like a game.
I like this.

Only swipe right
the ones you like.

Why limit myself?

This is amazing.

It's like swiping vaginas!

[ululating]

[cheerful music]

[ululating continues]

♪

[ululating continues]

♪

[ululating continues]

[straining]

[ululating]

[ululating slowly]

♪

Now, I know you said "Blair" on,

you know, the Tinder

when I met you, like,
while I was flipping.

-Yeah. Right.
-What's your actual name?

-Blair.
-Blair is a name?

-Like, a female name?
-Yeah. Well, it's both.

It's both.
It's a unisex name.

'Cause I thought it was, like--
like, a nickname or something.

-No. It's my real name.
-So when was the last time

you went on a date
with somebody online?

-Yesterday.
-What? Yesterday?

It was just coffee.
No wine involved.

Who's this guy?

-You don't know him.
-No, I know.

Meaning, like,
where did you meet him,

-on OkCupid or on Tinder?
-Yeah.

-Uh-huh. OkCupid.
-Did you make out?

-No.
-Why not?

It was a coffee date.
I don't make out on first dates.

Do you feel comfortable
right now with me?

-Yeah, I'm fine.
-Yeah? Fine or still a little...

-I'm good.
-Yeah?

I mean, I don't know you,
so it's not, like...

But usually they say that,
you know,

at the beginning
when you meet somebody,

within the first, like,
30 seconds, you know already

if you want to go out
with somebody or not.

-Oh.
-What can you tell after,

you know, this long

that we've been
talking to each other?

I feel like I'm a little
more conservative than you.

Yeah?

Could it be a problem, or...

Maybe.

So based on that,
would you go out

on a second date with me, or...

Um, still thinking about it.

Why are you thinking about it?

[Blair] Um...

'Cause I don't know if we're,
like, totally compatible.

It would be a free date.
You don't have to pay for it.

I'm taking care of the wine.

Yeah, but I can't go out
with someone just for free wine.

Why would you say
we're not compatible?

I think we're very compatible.

-Really?
-Yeah.

How?

I'm a man, and you're a woman.

[Blair laughs] And that's it?

Pretty much.

Then you--that basically means

you're compatible with anyone.

You sure you like me?
You don't like me, don't you?

-Yeah, you're nice.
-Yeah?

Should I give you a call, like--
when should I call you?

Whenever you feel like
you want to call.

What about in an hour?

[Domenico] Am I your type?

Like, a lot, or...

-Um, I don't really have a type.
-Yeah.

Yeah, but I like you.
You seem like you're fun.

-Yeah?
-Yeah. You seem fun.

-Can I have a hug?
-Sure.

All right.
It was nice seeing you.

It was a nice kiss.

It was a nice one.
Can I have another one?

-No.
-Fine.

-Ciao, Domenico.
-Hi. How are you? Ciao.

[speaking Italian]
How it's going?

That's as far
as my Italian goes.

[Domenico]
Like, am I the first guy

that you go out
from Italy, or...

I did--I did, um...

date a guy from Torino
for a long time.

-Torino? Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Oh. For how long have you been
dating this guy from Torino?

I was with him for two years.

But this is the--
this is the number one rule.

You're not supposed to talk
about exes on dates.

-Yeah?
-Mm-mm.

'Cause he ended up no good,
or...

Well, it's just--
it's just a rule.

You're telling me you're
an experienced dater, like--

Not excessively.

I don't like it to take over,
you know,

other priorities like work
and things like that.

I don't like to really--
you know, I've got a few hobbies

that I devote time to.
It's not just...

-Like what?
-I do a bit of stand-up comedy.

-You're a funny girl?
-I try to be, yes. I try to be.

Very nice.
Do you want to tell me a joke?

Oh, jeez.

I can tell you a joke,
but that's not my joke.

No. They're all rude.

-Let me try to think of--
-Who cares? Tell me the joke.

I'll tell you a rude joke?
Okay.

-Yes.
-All right.

I learnt one the other day
from my mechanic.

What happened to the penguin
whose car broke down?

That is a very good question.

He went to the mechanic,
and the mechanic said,

"Looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin said,

"Listen, you leave my sexual
preferences out of this."

The seal like the animal?

[laughs] That's funny.

Thank you.

Did you meet anybody,
like, crazy, like...

Oh, I've met so many crazies.
You're not even...

Anybody that tried to rape you
on the first date or something?

No. Nothing like that,

but just different kinds
of crazy.

Okay, something you need
to know about me:

I'm really, really,
really into true crime.

-True crime?
-Yeah.

-Like, you would kill somebody?
-No, no, no. [laughs]

-So you love murders?
-Yeah, I love murders.

Just putting it out there now.

Do you actually wait
for the next murder to come up?

Kind of.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Like, I don't wait for it,

but if the new one comes up,

the new big trial, I follow it.

-I see.
-Mm.

So...

-Yes.
-I have something to say...

-What?
-That is very bad.

-What?
-Basically I have to pee

so bad that it's insane.

Go on. Off you go.

No, because I know
this park very well,

and probably, like,
the closest toilet

is, like, half of a mile away.

-Okay.
-Is it bad that I have to pee?

No.

-So...
-You'll forgive me if I go?

I want to thank you
for coming today.

Um, I love it. I love it.

That is the best out line
I've ever heard.

What do you mean?
I really have to pee.

-[laughs]
-I promise.

-Do you want to come with me?
-No, it's fine.

No, like, you see that I get
inside and you can hear it.

That's fine.
I'll be all right.

-Yeah?
-I'll be good. Yeah.

It was really nice seeing you.

-It was great to meet you.
-Do you want to see me again?

[inhales sharply]

We've talked about exes,
all right?

We've talked about rape.

We've talked about murder.

And now you've got to piss.

So...

I think that's pretty good.

[Domenico] How long did you
spend in Afghanistan?

-[Erin] Two years.
-[Domenico] How many years?

-Two years.
-Two years.

Now, what happened
in Afghanistan?

Don't tell me you were single
for two years in Afghanistan.

No. Well, here's the thing.

I only dated one Afghan guy.

An enemy? You date an enemy?

-I dated a terrorist. [laughs]
-You dated--for real?

Really Taliban?

You dated the enemy
of the United States.

-Yeah. Briefly.
-This is scaring me.

Do I have to call the CIA?

I'm on their list already.

[Natalie] You know, I hate
when they put movies out there

where the nanny hooks up
with the husband

because there's always
that stigma.

I think I've missed out
on a lot of jobs

because the wives
for some reason

-feel threatened.
-Jealous of you?

But I don't nanny
with makeup on.

I show up in, like, sweatpants
and a T-shirt.

Like, I'm very, you know,
just, you know--

but the husbands won't look me
in the eye, like, ever.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Do you think
that they masturbate

-when they think about you?
-Okay. Wow.

No, like, you know,
they go in the toilet

because you're there
with the kids.

I'd rather not think
about that.

-[Domenico] Hi.
-[Jamie] Hi. Nice to meet you.

[Domenico] Mwah. Mwah.

-Please, welcome on board.
-Okay. Thank you.

This is nice.

-Is this your boat?
-No. This is not.

I actually don't know
who owns the boat, but I saw it.

Like, I come in from the street,
and I said,

"I think that would be a nice
place to actually go on a date."

-So this isn't your boat?
-It's not my boat.

Don't you think
that's kind of weird

to use someone else's boat?

No, this is--the gate was open,

so I figure, you know,
if it's the gate open,

it's open to everybody,
and it's nice.

This is a beautiful lake, and...

-It's very muddy.
-Okay.

Don't worry, I'm not one
of those people

that are gonna literally
take you, like,

in the middle
of the lake right there

where that boat is
and then murder you

and put you underneath

'cause nobody will ever
find you anyway.

Just saying, in general.
I'm not one of those people.

There are people like that.

-Okay, um...
-Yeah.

Well, let's start over.
I'm Jamie.

-Domenico, again.
-Nice to meet you.

I have my cell phone on me,
so if you try and, you know,

take me away on the boat,
I'll call someone.

No, I would never do that.

I mean, for just getting
to know you

a little bit more,
obviously, and I decided,

you know, let's have, like,
some aperitif and eat something.

So I brought a bottle of wine...

some napkins.

I got--hopefully you like it.

It's soppressata
and Asiago cheese.

This is Italian.
It's really good for aperitif.

And then I got the wine.

Why would you bring this?

It's aperitif time in Italy.

Aperitif?
You have a little cheese,

a little meat,
and then a little wine.

I told you that I was
a vegan, though.

It says it on my profile.

Vegan, it means you
like vegetables too.

I didn't bring
any vegetables today.

No. Vegan means
that I don't like meat.

This right here is murder.

Isn't a vegan, like,
vegetarian?

-Like, you like vegetables?
-No.

This means I don't eat meat.

That's not right.

That's just wrong.

I have another one.

This, I'll keep it close
so I can eat.

You brought two of them?

I had two because I didn't know
how much we were gonna eat.

That is ridiculous
that you would do that.

So let's do this, then.

What about cheese?
Cheese is no meat.

No! Vegans don't
eat cheese either.

Maybe this is
a language barrier.

Vegan means that you don't eat
meat and don't eat cheese or--

nothing that comes
from animals,

'cause it's not right.

-Not even the milk?
-No.

They need to release the milk.

-It's not something that you--
-No.

These animals,
they have milk that--

Otherwise they blow up
because they have too much milk.

No, it doesn't work that way.

They're forced to, like,
make milk in the factory.

It doesn't work that way.

The problem is unfortunately--

Just let me ask you
a question.

How long has it been

since you've been with someone?

Like, actually dated someone?

-Three years or more.
-Okay.

I think the problem is,
is that you don't listen

to what the other person
is saying.

Like, you should know
not to bring that.

I grew up in, like,
in the south of Italy,

where people just go with meat

and actually, we kill the pigs,
and then we roast

while they're still bleeding.

That's--that's, like,
an Italian tradition

over the 15th of August,
which is Saint Mary's Day.

On Saint Mary's Day,
you get the beer,

you put it in the river, like,
so--they keep it cold,

and then literally
you grow a pig for three months,

you feed him until he blows,

and then you release it
in the forest.

With your friends,
you go and catch it,

and then you stab it
under the throat,

and so it walks a little bit,

and then it's very sad
in a way, but it's good.

Stop.
I don't want to hear about that.

-That's awful.
-Okay, okay.

So I'll open the wine
in one second.

I was noticing that I didn't
bring any--I forgot glasses

'cause when I went
in the grocery--

Just put that away.
Put it away.

-I'll just keep it on the side.
-Yeah. That's disgusting.

Just keep it right here
so you don't see it.

-You like cupcakes?
-I'm good.

-I'll have some of the wine.
-No glasses. It's okay?

They didn't sell that at
the store when I went because--

I'm not putting my mouth
on the same thing

your mouth has been on.
I don't even know you.

That's weird.

So I guess you keep
the bottle and drink

and I just--

and I eat the cheese.

Can we just talk
about something else?

And could you not eat that
in front of me?

-I'll take this and put it--
-No.

-No, I put it back in the--
-Put it in the bag.

Let me see if I can
put it in there.

Excuse, my shoe is, uh...

Seriously?

I just...

You're seriously gonna do that?

That is so fucked up.
I'm not even gonna--no.

No, no, no, no, no.
I was trying to--no, no.

I promise. I pro--

-No. You're--
-I spit it.

-That is fucking disgusting.
-I spit it out.

-You are disgusting.
-I spit the thing out.

I thought I could took
a quick bite and then--

-No.
-No, I promise I will

-never take another bite.
-No, seriously,

you're just--
you're creeping me out now.

-No more bites.
-Stay away from me.

You're creeping me out. No.
-No more bites.

-No more bites.
-Just stay away from me.

We're done. That's it.

-No more bites.
-We're done.

[lively string music]

♪

[Domenico]
So why did you actually

add a profile on the website?

'Cause for me
to meet new people

and have different kinds
of lover is,

like, kind of traveling
in some way.

-You love new people?
-I love new people.

How many new people
do you love a week?

Uh...

Do you sleep
with a lot of men?

I do. I like men.

I like women too.

Women? Oh, you go both ways?

Really? Indian bisexual?

[both laughing]

Do you spank them?

-That too.
-You spank people?

[laughs]

Oh.

You're a naughty little Indian.

[laughs]

So how long does it take,
by the way,

to be spanked from you?
Let's say--do I have--

is there, like, a waiting list
that I have to wait?

-I could spank you right now.
-But am I--here's the--

but when do you--

Do you want to spank me?

Ahh!

This is very interesting.

Very, very, very in--

You're welcome.

I like blood too.

What do you mean,
you like blood?

-Like, to drink blood or--
-Yeah.

What kind of blood?

Human blood.

Maybe I'm crazy. [laughs]

Damn it, because I'm looking
for a relationship.

Yeah. So what do you
understand that as?

Like, I like romantic stuff.

I like, you know, sometimes
to have a candlelight dinner

where, you know,
I cook for my woman,

and then we have a candlelight
like this,

and then
between a glass of wine

and another, we...

we kiss each other
passionately, you know?

Do a vacation. I would love
to horseback ride with you,

perhaps in the beach in India,

all the Indian kids following us

while we are on the horse
on the beach,

asking for money, perhaps.

You know, it would be nice.

That is, you know,
what I'm looking.

Oh. That's sweet.

Yeah.

It's--it's important, you know?

Who are you?

I'm Mare Simone,

and I'm a love
and intimacy coach.

'Cause I--you know,
I heard that you do tantra.

-Mm-hmm.
-Isn't tantra, like,

a fancy word for butt stuff?

-For butt stuff?
-Si.

Um, you know, it includes
all parts of the body.

Every part is included.

We call it the base chakra.
You're talking about butt stuff.

Si.

Tantra includes
all seven chakras,

your whole being.

Is it true that there is
a female orgasm?

Many types of female orgasms.

What's--because--

Well, how many orgasms
do females have?

Like, what kind of orgasm?

'Cause usually, you know,
I know you put it inside,

then you do, like, few minutes.

If she's not happy, that's okay.

But--and that is orgasm.

It's not quite like that.
Here's the beautiful thing.

When you learn
to internalize the orgasm,

every orgasm energizes you,

and you can have many,

and after an hour or two
of having pleasure like that,

you feel like you can
take on the world.

-This is without releasing?
-Yes. Without releasing.

That's what you're gonna learn.

So how's your body
feeling right now?

-Way more relaxed than before.
-Mm-hmm?

-Yes.
-And is there anything

I should know about your body?

Anything that hurts?
Any injuries or owies?

No. No injuries.
Just the lower back sometimes.

You know, I like
when they massage me

in the tight place.

And put this pillow
under your chest

so that your face
goes right there.

Now, what I want you to do
is relax and breathe

and just share with me
what you're feeling.

I'm just gonna start
by rocking your body.

I'm just gonna stretch you open.

[exhales slowly]

This is an awakening massage.

We're awakening your kundalini.

-Kundalini?
-Kundalini.

-Is that in my balls?
-Mm-mm.

Kundalini is
the sleeping serpent.

Oh.

[Mare exhales deeply]

[both breathing deeply]

Ahh.

Ah. Tap on that kundalini.
Yeah. Ahh.

Ooh, awaken, awaken, awaken.

[both] Ahh.

Yeah.

Are your nipples sensitive?

[both] Oh.

This is your life force.

This is what created you.
This is closest to--

[Domenico moaning]

[both vocalizing]

I can't believe you spermed
the old lady.

She did all kinds
of tantra stuff on me.

I was like Mountain Vesuvius.

[speaking native language]

[speaking Italian]

[Marquesa] Keep your penis away
from old ladies.

Fine.

You have to go
to Santa Monica.

-[Domenico] For what?
-You have a date.

What do you mean,
I have a date?

From match.com.

I didn't message with anybody
from match.com today.

I did.

You're fucking
sending messages as me?

Your English is not very good.

And you're fucking Shakespeares?

[speaking native language]

Fuck.

[sighs]

She's cute.

How cute?

[Marquesa] Gorgeous.

Okay.

But if she looks
like a bridge troll,

I'll make you go
in the little box again.

Hello. Hi, Meredith.
Domenico.

-Hi. Hi.
-Nice meeting you.

-You too.
-Mwah. You look so cute.

I'm a little nervous.
I'm sorry.

Yeah. It's not the first date
that you do online?

No, no. I just didn't--I really
didn't expect, you know,

-you to be so cute, so...
-Really?

-Yeah.
-No, you're extremely beautiful.

I mean, how did you ended up
on an online date?

-Aw, thank you.
-Why are you on a website?

I mean, you shouldn't
have any problems...

I mean, why not, you know?
I just feel like that's,

like, what we do nowadays
in our culture, and it just--

I think it, like,
really allows you to,

like, zero in on people.

Do you know what I mean?

So you can, like, see, like,

are they what
you're looking for, you know?

'Cause, you're like,
"Oh, career?

Check. Looks? Check."

You know,
"Loves his family? Check."

Or something,
you know what I mean?

Did you have a lot
of ex-boyfriends or...

No. No.

-I see.
-Do you? Girlfriends, I mean.

No, I mean, I went out
with a few girls.

It just didn't work out,
unfortunately,

and then now I just feel
that the more I'm getting older,

the more I'm ready
for something bigger in life.

Me too.
That's exactly how I feel.

And my mom, she cannot wait

to have me having kids
with a woman.

-Aww.
-You know? But I'm like,

"Mom, first of all,
I have to find somebody.

I can't just jump
into something like that."

Yeah. Well, you know,

falling in love is hard,
you know?

And it's just a matter of time

before you meet
the right person,

and, like, that's why
we're doing this, right?

So it's like,
you want to have, like--

how many kids
would you like to have?

I mean, I would love--I mean,

I would love to have kids,
you know.

Right away or, like, whenever?

I mean, it doesn't--
it doesn't matter to me.

Like, it needs to just
be perfect, I think,

and, like, I'm open to whatever
perfect means, you know?

If it means tomorrow,
then it means tomorrow, so...

Oh, like, you want
to get serious very fast,

-it seems like.
-Yeah.

I mean, if that seems right,
do you know what I mean?

I just think it's nice
in these days to be able

to go out with somebody
and to be able to--

Right. Yeah.

That's kind of cute, right?
[laughs]

I'm sorry. Was that forward?

This is--I mean, I never
had a woman reach into my hand.

Oh, shut up.
It doesn't mean anything.

-Oh, I see.
-[laughs]

I never had a date
like this before.

[laughs]

I like that.

This is amazing.
This is, like--

I feel amazing.
Does this feel good?

Really, it does, yes.

Wow. I'm so glad I'm here.

You like me that much?

-Really?
-Yeah. I'm so glad I'm here.

Like, already, like,
it seems like it's--

Are you seeing anyone else?

No. No, not right now.

I'm just going around.
Like, I did do dates sometimes.

Nothing serious with anybody.

You should teach me Italian,
you know,

so, like, when I visit
your family,

like, I know
how to say something.

When do you want
to visit my family?

I don't know.
When they're free.

Like, in a couple of years
or...

Or, like, you know,
whenever you go on vacation.

Oh, when I'm gonna go
to Italy next time?

Like, whenever we go
on vacation, yeah.

We're doing vacation
together already?

Vaca--like, we're--

Why not?

We--we met, like,
20 minutes ago.

And then what happened?

Okay, teach me how to say, like,

"It's really nice to meet you,
Mrs."--

-What's your last name?
-Nesci.

-Nesci.
-Mrs. Nesci?

"It's really nice to meet you,
Mrs. Nesci."

How do you say that?

Un piacere, Mrs. Nesci.

Un piacere di conoscerti...

Oh, my God.
I can't do that.

Signora Nesci.
Signora Nesci, Mrs. Nesci.

Un piatione--uh, say it again.

-Un piacere...
-Un piacere...

-Conoscerti...
-Conoscerti...

-Signora Nesci.
-Signora--oh.

I sound like a chicken.

They call my mom
Signora Nesci.

'Cause my dad
is Signor Nesci, Mr. Nesci.

This is hard.

How am I gonna do this?

How do you say,
"I'm honored to be

your daughter-in-law,
Mrs. Nesci"?

Uh, um. Daughter-in-law.

Um...

un piacere essere tua...

Un piacere essere...

-Tua...
-Tua...

How do you say
daughter-in-law?

That's a scary word. Um...

-Daughter?
-Cognata.

-Cognata.
-No, it's not cognata.

-It's, uh...
-That sounds like Spanish.

I never really heard that.

I mean, I never really
said that word.

-Uh, nuora. Nuora.
-Nuora.

Piacere essere tua nuora,
Signora Nesci.

Oh, my God.

That's overwhelming.

[laughs]

Ooh, I'm so excited.

I have to think about that.

I'm just gonna use
one second the restroom.

I'm gonna be right back.

Sure.

[lively string music]

♪

[men singing in Italian]

♪

"Hey, LonelyItalian.

"It's nice to meet
another dog lover.

"Would you and your pooch
like to meet us

at the park in one hour?"

Amazing. "We will be there."

Fuck, I need a dog.

Mikey.

Mikey.

[both speaking Italian]

Per un doggy date.

Fuck you, Dome. No. No.

Fuck, I need a dog!

Open up.

It's Domenico. Open up.

[sighs] Domenico,
I told you I'm married.

-I'm not gonna fuck you.
-It's not about that.

Can I please borrow
one of your dogs?

-Why? No.
-Just I need one.

You have two. Come on.

You have a better chance
of fucking me.

[speaking Italian]

Can I buy a dog
and then bring it back?

Andre. Andre has a dog.
Andre has a dog.

[line trilling]

[both speaking Italian]

[speaking Italian]

Let's go, little doggy.

[upbeat music]

♪

I call you Gina.

Like my cousin.

♪

Gina, this way. This way.

Let's go.

Let's go. This way.

Let's go.

Oh, fuck.

Let's go. Hi.

-[Amanda] Hey.
-[Domenico] How are you?

-I'm good. How are you?
-Good.

My dog, Gina,
she's been very--

very antsy, and she couldn't
wait to see you today.

[Amanda laughs]

Let's go, Gina.

[clicking tongue]

-Come here, Gina.
-Come on, Gina.

Gina. Let's go.

Look, look.
That's a little dog.

Look how cute it is.

It's a little dog.

What's his name?

-This is Mick.
-See?

-Hello.
-Look. Smell the butt, Gina.

Let's smell each other's butt.

-[laughs]
-Gina.

-Hi.
-Domenico.

Sorry. Nice meeting you.
Mwah. Mwah.

-Nice to meet you as well.
-Gina. Gina, she's very--

Gina's very happy.
Look at the tail.

[Amanda laughs]

How long have you--
you have a dog?

About a year and a half.

I got him when he was,
like, six weeks.

-How about Gina?
-Gina?

Oh, she's been with me forever.

I mean, I'm 32 years old,
and Gina is 26, and--

-In dog years?
-26.

No, 26 years.

Like, human years.

Like, I was six when I got Gina.

She's amazing,
and look how cute you are.

-That's a pretty amazing dog.
-Say hi, Gina. Say hi.

Oh, your dog likes
to play with the--

-The ball.
-What's the--

-Gina, go play with the ball.
-Mick.

-Mick.
-Mick. Bring the ball.

-Mick.
-Mick, bring me the ball.

Oh, no!

Hey, ha!

Gina, come and play.

Gina. Gina.

[Amanda laughs]

[Domenico] Mick, go. You go.

-[Amanda] So...
-[Domenico] So cute.

Gina doesn't come
when you call.

No, Gina, she's--
she's very--

-She's very tired.
-Independent?

No, she's very tired
because we went and ran

for seven miles this morning
when I woke up.

We do a run by the boardwalk

here at the beach and--

-You ran seven miles?
-With a dog.

-She--she likes--
-With Gina?

Gina, she likes
to run all the time.

I don't know what it is.

-She's pretty fat too, so...
-Yeah, very fat.

She eats a lot of pasta.
She likes pasta, man.

She likes pasta.

-You feed the dog pasta?
-Yes. Spaghetti.

She likes Bolognese sauce a lot.

When I came here,
and when she was born,

my grandma gave her,
like, a lot of Italian food.

-Right.
-So in the south of Italy,

they don't really give
those little things.

So whatever is left over
on the table,

that's what you give to the dog.

Oh, okay. So the scraps.

-Gina eats all the scraps.
-Yeah.

-I can tell.
-A lot.

Yeah. Yeah.

She likes desserts.

She's crazy on desserts.

-Really? What kind of desserts?
-Yeah, like crazy.

Like, chocolate.
She eats, like, chocolate.

She is very particular
about chocolate.

-That's ridiculous.
-No, I promise you.

She doesn't eat chocolate.
There's no way.

75% cocoa from Peru.
That's all she cares.

[Amanda] Mm-hmm.

Really pretty, though.
I'm actually glad.

How did you ended up
on the dog website, by the way?

Well, just so you know,
I think it's really important

that people love animals

and guys have a dog
to take care of

because I feel like
if you can take care of a dog,

you can take care
of a woman, and--

I take care better with women
than dogs, just so you know.

Well, I hope so,
but I'm just saying

that you can be nurturing
as well.

It's like a--

And I never try to sleep
with this dog.

-I promise. Gina.
-[dog barking]

Don't scream, please.

You are very educated.
Don't do that.

-[dog barking]
-That's a very--

Why is it doing that?

Um, there is definitely--
that's definitely not a girl.

What do you mean,
it's not a girl?

[Amanda] I mean, I--

He has a massive penis.

-Like...
-Gina has a penis?

-He definitely has a penis.
-No. Which one?

He--he has a pe--
do you want me to go

and show you his--
his big penis?

-Come look at the dog.
-Where?

-This dog definitely--
-This is--Gina has a penis?

-It's impossible.
-You can look. I don't want to--

See, there is
definitely a penis.

-Oh, that?
-Yeah.

[Domenico] That's not a penis.
You see, that's not a penis.

[Amanda] The lipstick
is coming out right now.

[Domenico]
That is a big clitoritus.

[Amanda] The lipstick is
definitely coming out right now.

-It's a clitoritus.
-That is not a clitoris.

-It is.
-No, it's not--that is--

-Oh, my God.
-That is the clitor--

You don't even know
what sex your dog is?

No, that's a clit.
That's a clitoritus.

-It really is.
-Is that even your dog?

It's my dog. No, no, no, it's--

'Cause, you know,
some women have a big clit,

and, uh, what happened is that
when she was born, you know--

Do you think I'm, like,
stupid or something?

-No, I promise you.
-Okay.

When she was born,
they told me,

you know, "This is a dog."

Unfortunately, it's like
when you go to buy clothes

and there is a defection
on the thing.

Well, there's definitely
a humungous penis,

and I know what a penis is.

-This is a male dog?
-It's a boy.

It's absolutely a boy.

Let's talk about us.
They're just dogs.

[siren wailing distantly]

[knocking]

Hello. I'm Domenico.

-You're late.
-A few minutes.

It was a bit of traffic
coming on Venice Boulevard

from where I live.

Get in.

Should I close the door or--

[Lucy]
Just get the fuck in here now.

So where are you from
originally?

Just, you know, how long--
you from LA or--

-Pucker up.
-Very interesting.

You have any brothers
or sisters?

What is that thing
that you just got?

[device buzzing]

-No, it's--
-Shh.

[shouting]

-[shouts]
-Ah.

So this is the first date,

what's it gonna be like
the second date?

[shouting]

[laughs]

What do you say?

-Thank you, ma'am.
-Ahh.

So should I move
the reservation,

or should we just do,
like, delivery?

This is very nice.

Is that, like,
some kind of a massage?

Mm, something like that.

I like it.

Go, like, once a week, usually,
and take massage.

Ahh! Have you ever been
in love before?

[laughs]

You did?

You've been--I've been in love
only a couple of times.

-Uh-huh.
-It's very nice.

-Yeah. It's great, isn't it?
-It is. It is.

You're gonna like it
even more.

-Yeah?
-Yes.

Is this gonna feel like
it's like a...

It's very nice.

[screaming]

Lucy!

[door slams]

Lucy!

Lucy!

[engine turning over]

[tires squealing]

Oh, shit.

[plastic wrap crinkling]

I feel like leftovers.

You look like an asshole.

Oh, gentle, cazzo.

You have a JDate
in half an hour.

JDate?

What does the J
stands for again?

I am ebreo too. I'm Jewish.

And I just wanted to,

you know, bring up
a little bit of the religion,

as we are in America.

-Yeah, that's true.
-Pretty much.

I don't think I've ever been
on a date

with a guy wearing a tallis.

What's the tallis?

This that you're wearing
right now.

Oh, well, of course
that's a tallis.

I've never seen that
on a date.

-I'll take the fava bean soup.
-Okay.

Can put a little kosher
on top?

Thank you.

-A little what on top?
-The kosher.

-The what?
-Kosher on top.

What's on top?

The ingredient
that put the kosher

in kosher soup.

Kosher fava bean soup.

-Oh.
-Kosher.

Oh.

What I've found on JDate are,

the guys are a little gun-shy.

I feel like
they email and email

and email and email, and they
want to get to meet you,

and then when it comes time
to meet you,

they kind of--cold feet.
I think--

-Who meets that meshugas?
-I don't need any meshugas.

These meshugas. It's insane.

I can't wait to try this
and for you to try this.

Oh, this is amazing.
I make this all the time.

Really?

And the only difference is,

I threw some asparagus
in it sometimes.

-Mmm.
-When I want to be

extremely fancy,
I put white asparagus.

-Right.
-When I don't want to be fancy,

-I put the green one in.
-Sure.

Problem is, when you pee
later on,

it smells like asparagus, but...

[Jackie laughing]

It's good. Tastes good.

-You're funny.
-No, but you meet people

-sometimes...
-You're a riot.

And you cannot have
a conversation.

-Oh, you're funny.
-Like, it doesn't go.

But I like to talk,
but sometimes,

-you know, you meet...
-Clearly.

Women that the conversation

doesn't go anywhere,
and this is flowing so well

that I like it a lot.

Now, do you think at this point

that you would like
to see me again or not?

Yeah.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Would you date me
even if I wasn't Jewish?

But you are Jewish.

Well...

not exactly.

Not exactly.
What happened is this.

I went on JDate.
I did one little white lie

and I said that I was Jewish
on the website,

even though I'm Catholic

and I used to be an altar boy.

My thing is,

I think that I'm open

to circumcise anytime
and convert.

Can we please have validation?

Is it possible?

[Annie]
You really owe me an apology.

-I owe you an apology?
-Yes.

Well, I am sorry if I said

that you like
sucking dicks for money,

but I think you love
sucking dicks for money.

Asshole.

Should I go ahead and try--

Why is it working with you
and not with me?

Is it me and not with you?

[Jessica]
Maybe it's a defective udder.

I don't know.

[Domenico] You think
it's trouble, that's what it is?

[upbeat music]

Take it easy, goat. Don't worry.

We're gonna give you
some M&M'S in a second.

Some Skittles.
Gonna milk it.

It feels like my penis.

[both speaking Italian]

♪

Hello, it's Domenico.

♪

Hi.

What's up?

♪

Do you want to... come in?

Sure.

It's finally nice to meet you

in person, you know?

It's a nice website, 420 Dating.

As you can see, I'm very much
into the marijuana.

I have a leaf on my jacket.

♪

What is the noise?
Is that the noise?

-It's my fridge.
-Fridge is, uh...

-It's broken.
-It's broken? I see.

How long have you been
on 420 Dating?

I don't know.
A couple of months.

A couple of months.
I've been on forever, you know?

Several years.

What do you smoke?

Oh, I usually
get the best stuff.

You know, I go from Red Moon.

It's one of my favorites.

I do Green Jojoba.

The Grateful Dead is another one
that I always like a lot.

Cherry Hill when I really,
really want to get high.

Those--

You want to get really,
really high right now?

Smoke right away?

-Yes.
-Sure. I would love to.

Okay.

♪

-Smoke on this?
-Yeah. Just hold it.

Don't you have cigarettes?

Usually you smoke
through cigarettes.

Oh, no.
I like this bong.

It's seen some shit.

Is it good?

[coughs]

Mmm. It's very, like, parsley.

A little taste.
It's very nice.

I see there is a cat
on top of the thing.

[Vanessa] Mm-hmm.

-It's very nice.
-Just light it.

-Some more light in it?
-Yeah.

Now hit it again.

This taste amazing.
Very nice.

What's the name of this?

Uh, Skywalker.

♪

[hacking cough]

[gagging]

[coughing]

Do you have a cup to spit,
just in case?

♪

[coughing]

Hey!

[exclaims]

So good.

Unbelievable.
Skywalker, huh?

I have to tell my guy to give me
some of this next time 'cause...

This is un--
this is crazy.

How often do you hit this
a week?

I wake up and hit that,
and then at night,

I'd hit it again.

Never during the day.
I'm sure you don't do this,

'cause this is
very laid-back stuff, right?

No, I smoke joints
during the day.

Joints? This is good shit.

That weed goes in there.

Did you ever fall in love
with anybody from 420 Dating?

Smoked a lot of weed, though.

-Little more?
-Mm-hmm.

-You want to do more or--
-You go.

-I go first?
-Guests first.

♪

[hacking cough]

Ah.

Ah, so good.

I like it.

It makes me very, like,

sensitive about the world
and life.

I don't know.
I, like, think about, like,

my grandparents
that I haven't seen

in a long time
in the south of Italy.

Are you gonna finish that?

You know, like, Grandpa
with the fucking chickens and--

and my grandmother,
she's making the sfogliatelle.

This is insane.

Give me a little more.
It's so good.

It'll calm you down
if you smoke more.

[water bubbling]

[hacking cough]

[gagging and coughing]

♪

You know, it's, like--
it's crazy

'cause it's making me
remember these crazy things.

I remember once I was, like,
three years old

and my mom took me
to sleep in the bed,

and all the sudden I, like--

my penis start growing
a little bit, and--

and then in front of my penis,
it's, like, my mother's ass,

and it's, like, crazy.

I didn't know it could get hard
on my mother, you know?

Then there was
this neighbor of mine

that when I was six,
he used to give me,

like, these lollipops
in his garage,

and then he used to--
he'd say, like,

"Do you want to kiss
right here, right now?"

And the garage was always closed
and all the kids would run away.

I was, like, the only one
stuck in the garage,

and the guy was like,

"You know, you have to go
a little more deeper.

You remember,
I give you lollipop."

Like, I remember the lollipop.

"Then go deeper. Go deeper."

And it's, like, fuck.

I didn't even know
why I was doing that shit.

It's unbelievable.

[exhales sharply]

[lively string music]

♪

[Michelle] Do you really--
do you really dress like this,

-like, when you go to the gym?
-Yeah. All the time.

So you don't like already
something about me?

No, no. I'm not saying
I don't like it,

but when you're in the gym,

do people think
you're handicapped?

Do you find me attractive
except for the--

-Yeah. You're really handsome.
-Yeah?

-Yeah. You're really handsome.
-I like that.

You're a very attractive woman.

Even though you have
these muscles,

you're extremely good-looking.

Even though
I have these muscles?

No, meaning you have
these muscles.

I mean, I never met a woman

that has big muscles
more than I do and...

-Mm-hmm.
-So it's amazing

to see a beautiful woman

with such massive muscles
as this.

-Thank you.
-Physically, if we, let's say,

make sweet love, are you
gonna break my penis somehow?

-Because you're strong?
-No.

Well, just because
I have muscles doesn't mean

that my vagina's
all muscular and stuff.

-I mean, like--
-The vagina is not?

Like, the clitoritus
is not bigger than average?

[straining]

I lift a little bit
on this side.

I think that if I put the knees
on top of the bench,

I'd get more strength
from my legs.

That's an idea. Try that.

[straining]

[screaming]

This motherfucker
doesn't go up.

[straining]

[siren wailing]

[groaning]

No more of this crazy stuff.

[groans]

Where's my phone?

I'm going back on Tinder.

You need to rest...

[speaking native language]

You can suck my balls.

[snoring]

[Corinne] So how's it been
for you so far?

Very interesting.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

I've been on a few dates,
and the dates--

How many dates
have you been on?

A couple, perhaps.

[laughs]

How many dates have you been on?

-Me?
-Yeah. Don't even lie.

-Like, in my life?
-No, on--

on Tinder and online dating.

-Five on Tinder.
-Five? Just on Tinder?

Actually, you're number six.

How did the previous five went?

-They were good.
-Yeah?

Did you make out with anybody?

I might have
kissed someone, yeah.

What about are you on any other
websites, perhaps, like--

No, I gave up
on everything else.

So what's your favorite site?

Uh, I like a lot
FarmersOnly.com.

-What is it?
-Farmers Only.

Farmers Only.
Are you really on there?

I feel like that's
false representation.

It's like women who go
onto JDate who aren't Jewish.

People that go on JDate,
they go because they're Jewish.

No, people--there are women
who go on JDate

who are not Jewish
who want to marry Jewish men.

-That's disgusting.
-It--I mean--

-Why do they do that?
-I don't know.

'Cause Jewish men
are successful?

I don't really know.

I will not misrepresent myself.

I would never go on JDate
if I'm not Jewish.

-It's offensive.
-Or, like--so wait.

How many--okay,
so you're on Tinder.

You're on OkCupid.
You're on Farmers Only.

-Christian Mingle.
-Christian Mingle.

-Catholic Match.
-Catholic Match.

-Muslim Single.
-Muslim Single?

Muslim Single.
Love Me, Love My Pet,

which is a website
for dog lovers.

Do you have a pet?

I don't, but I borrow it
when I go to the date.

[laughs]

It's, you know--
it's interesting,

and I don't think
I should limit myself to,

like, one thing or another
because it's so nice

to go out and meet
so many different girls.

I feel like you're casting
your net too wide.

You think?

And I feel like--

I feel like you
might be better off, like,

focusing your effort.
Might have a deal.

You're a very
interesting woman.

I like that.

So much fun.
Cheers to the fun.

Cheers.

[organ music]

♪

Hello, Jesus.
It's me, Domenico.

I know I've not been
the best Catholic lately.

I'm sorry about that.

Also I want to apologize
for dry-humping my cousin

when I was 14 behind
the Sant'Alessandro Cathedral.

But you saw it.

She had such big breasts,

I could not help myself.

So I want to apologize
about that too.

The reason why I'm here today

is because I had such an amazing
Tinder date last night.

This woman wasn't just
sexy or anything.

She was also very smart
and funny, like me,

and I like her a lot.

So I wanted to ask you.

I'm sure you should know
about these things,

being the son of God
and everything.

Do you think
I should text right away

and tell her how she's doing

and I'm looking forward
to see her?

Or maybe I should wait
a couple of days?

♪

Okay, Jesus, if you want me
to text right away,

then don't say nothing.

If you want me to wait
a couple of days,

then make, like, a earthquake

or a tidal wave, perhaps,

and I'll know.

Okay. Text right away.

Wait, Jesus.
I don't have her cell phone.

Have to send her
a message on Tinder.

[phone beeps]

What the fuck is this?

[woman] Shh!

Since when telling
25,000 girls

you like them
is considered spam?

I talked too much about myself.

I don't know where she lives.

I don't know where she works.

I don't know her last name.

Please, Jesus,
tell me her last name.

♪

Fine, if you don't want
to talk to me,

I'll find somebody who will.

Who are you?

I'm Father Willy Raymond.

I'm a Catholic priest here

in Santa Monica.

-Who are you?
-I'm Rabbi Michael Gotlieb,

and I serve a congregation
also here in Santa Monica.

I see.
So a priest, a rabbi,

and an Italian walk into a bar.

Um, so I'm--I--
I'm 32 years old,

and I've been in this country
for eight years.

I'm still single,

and I'm having troubles
looking for love.

Why is it so hard in this
country to look for love?

'Cause I figure, you know,
I'm lonely, I'm Italian, so--

-Are you honest?
-Very honest.

I feel lonely
because I don't have anybody

next to me, pretty much.

No, no, no,
when it comes to online dating,

are you honest?

Sometimes I lie.

You know,
steal a couple of inches,

say that I make an extra
few thousand dollars a year.

You use your image?

Face is mine, though.

But are you serious
about this?

And you want to be serious

about what it is
that you're looking for?

No, but I'm honest
about myself--

No, you're not honest
if you're saying

you're lying about your income,

you're lying about
your physical stature.

That's because I have a feeling

that women, they do look
into those things.

I don't care what they think.

I'm asking you.
Why are you lying?

I mean, this is--

You want us
to throw softballs at you,

then you got the wrong rabbi,
that's for sure.

When you say now
you're ready for love,

to love someone
is to will the good

of that other person.

When you continually
view people as objects,

as women as nothing more

than just
some naiveté receptacle

for whatever
your passions might be,

then you'll get nowhere,

and you'll continually
get nowhere.

You invited me here
to speak frankly.

I can't speak more frankly
than I have.

-I can see.
-[Michael] You can see?

-Yeah.
-You can only see,

but you can't listen.

-No, I am listening--
-And when you start listening,

things will change.

That doesn't mean that I'm--

[Michael] I got to tell you
something.

At a given point,
it's not about you.

The narcissism of which
you define yourself.

The fact that you said,
"I'm Italian."

Who cares that you're Italian?

-Women do.
-Women do?

No, only the women
in your narrow,

just over-Hollywood-ized
perception of life.

They care about quality
of character.

You're asking a priest,

you're asking a rabbi

to comment initially
on online dating.

We're both in favor of it.

Who wouldn't be in favor of it?

That's just a portal.

It's an entry point
into establishing

potential relationships.

But sustainable relationships

go much deeper than that,

and the very issues
to which I'm challenging you,

I could be as effective
of speaking to the wall.

You're not listening.

You might be hearing,
but you're not listening.

Be a man.

Grow up. Grow up.

[somber music]

♪

[man] ♪ When I am older still

♪ I don't mean over the hill

♪ I will be serenading ladies

♪ In my time to kill

♪

♪ I could have attitude

♪ And bully my way to you

♪ Start a campaign
to include my name ♪

♪ In all of your who's whos

♪ But lounging round

♪ In the underground's

♪ My favorite thing to do

♪

♪ How about you

Who am I kidding?

I'm still an asshole.

♪

-[snoring]
-[Marquesa] Wake up!

You cried all night
like a woman,

and now it's the afternoon.

Fuck.
I have no reason to wake up.

-You have a date in one hour.
-From where?

Somebody messaged you
from OkCupid.

-I didn't send a message from--
-Well, they did. So go.

And take a shower.

[door closes]

-Hi.
-[Claire] Hi.

Domenico. Nice meeting you.

Claire.

[Domenico] Mwah. Mwah.

-Where are you originally from?
-Massachusetts.

Isn't Massachusetts, like,
the little state behind Boston?

Yes. The little state
behind Boston.

That's exactly what it is.

-Is that what it is?
-Mm-hmm.

I live, like--well, I grew up

20 minutes south of Boston.

So I have relatives
in Solbiate Arno.

-Full-on Italian?
-No.

Little bit--
[speaking Italian]

Yeah.

And then so we visited them--

[speaking Italian]
By the way.

Aww, grazie.

[both speaking Italian]

-Si?
-No, no.

[speaking Italian]

-Very nice.
-I know.

So you're open.
This is amazing.

[laughs] It's fun, actually.

Yeah.
I'm enjoying this date a lot.

Now, I came here, you know,
and for eight years,

I realize how it's not
very easy to be

in a relationship
in this town.

No. It's an impossible town

to be in a relationship in.

You went through
the same problem, then?

Yes, yes.

-You like to cook?
-I do like to cook.

-Do you like to cook?
-Oh, me? Always.

I'm always cooking Italian.
I'm always--

What's your specialty?
What's your dish?

Oh, pasta. All kinds.
Amatriciana,

carbonara, Bolognese.

So when am I
coming over for dinner?

-Oh, like that?
-Why not?

Whenever you want
to come over. I'm open.

Okay. I'll bring dessert.
I can bake.

You like to have, like,
a man that is sweet?

Doesn't matter
if I'm from Italy...

-Yes.
-And we are very different?

No, no. As long
as you speak Italian in bed.

-That's probably fine.
-Ooh.

[speaking Italian]

Yeah, this is--this is--
this is all I was looking for.

Like, somebody
that speaks my language...

-Mm-hmm.
-Loves my country...

-Mm-hmm.
-Is there any trick

that I need to know?

Like, are you pregnant?

Do you have kids?
Like, what's the--

No, no. There's nothing
really wrong with me.

-No?
-And, yeah.

And I'm still out there
in the single world.

I don't know why.

They say usually that,
you know,

when you meet somebody,

you know right away, like,
in the first 30 seconds

if you want to see them again.

-Mm-hmm.
-Now, based on you seeing me

for 30 seconds,
what are you thinking?

You want to see me more?

Like, do you think that I'm
interesting for you or no?

-No, you are interesting.
-What do you like?

I--no, you're fun,

and you're very, um,
straightforward.

-Oh, I see.
-Mm-hmm. And honest.

-I was just--
-Look at that.

You're blushing, by the way.

-Um...
-You're really--you're red,

like your drink right now.

-I know. This was good.
-You're blushing.

You're very red on your face.

Well, all right.
Well, maybe it'll go away.

-You're blushy.
-Stop, stop.

So let's say
me and you go out.

How many dates I have to wait
until I can actually

have an intercourse
with you?

Um, well, standard is,
like, three.

-Three dates?
-Yeah. If you--

-This counts as one, right?
-Yeah. This is one.

So we do one more
and then that's it?

Yeah. If--you know,
if you get that third date.

-I see.
-You have to impress me, though.

That's the thing.
You have to take me to some--

you have to have some kind
of plan, right?

And take me to someplace fun
that you know I'll like,

which you can actually
just ask me,

and I'll tell you all the places
that I will like.

-Like, what do you like?
-Like, I would love to go

ice-skating.
That would be awesome.

-Do you go ice skating?
-I do. I like it.

-Yeah. See? That's a great date.
-Last time, I break my leg.

-You broke your leg?
-I did. Broke my leg.

Well, if you go,
then don't break your leg,

and then you have a better
chance of having sex with me.

Six Flags.
Like, I would love going to--

-Do you like Six Flags?
-Oh, yeah.

-Hell yeah.
-So if I come and I puke,

-is that still okay?
-Roller coasters.

'Cause those things makes me
feel sick a little bit.

-Oh.
-But if I do it because

I love you and I just want
to please you...

Right. Then as long
as you don't puke on me,

I think it would be fine.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

What else do I like?
I like to go--

What about, like, a nice walk
in Malibu or something?

-On the beach?
-That's nice.

You know,
if it's a nice day out.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I mean, if it's rainy
and chilly...

although even if it's rainy
and chilly, that could be cool.

And we could make out
underneath the Santa Monica Pier

where those, like,
pylons are.

-Ooh. I know that--
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That's romantic.

All right, so if there's
a second date, what will it be?

At my place.
I will cook for you.

-Oh, right.
-That's the second date.

We already established that
that's the second date.

Yeah, and the third,
we're gonna have sex.

But that's not the date.
You have to, like, take me out.

Oh, first I take you out
and then we will have sex?

-Yes.
-So third date--

A date is not, like, sex.

That's--you know,
that's the end.

That's the cherry on top.

-It's very involved.
-Oh, yeah, no.

This is the American way.

So you're really gonna
want to see me again?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

Yeah.
I think it would be fun.

-[chuckles]
-No?

-I would love that.
-Okay, good.

-I would really love that.
-Yay. Look at that.

Now you're blushing.

[soft piano music]

[laughs] All right.

Here, I don't know
what I'm doing.

I'm flirting with you, totally.

Well, it was really nice
meeting you.

Well, thank you.

-It was really nice.
-It was nice meeting you too.

♪

-You're amazing.
-Aww, thanks.

♪

See, you get a kiss at the end
of the first date.

Well, give me the hand.

-This is great!
-[laughing]

It's pumping really hard.

♪

Bye.

♪

Shithead, I did it!

I brought you some of the crap
you Filipinos call food.

We're gonna celebrate.

Marquesa?

Marquesa, you sleeping?

What the fuck?

[door opens]

[Marquesa] Is that
lengua estofada I smell?

Domenic, that was
just on my bed.

[Domenico] It was a lie.

She was pretending.

No, Domenic.
It was not a lie.

She's just some actress.

I wanted you to feel good
about yourself.

Get out of my house.

Please, Domenic--

[shouting in Italian]

[sniffles]

I'm sorry.

[somber piano music]

♪

[door opens, closes]

[speaking Italian]

♪

[sniffles]

[man] Hi.

[soft guitar music]

♪

[music swelling]

♪

Hello.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I'm not sure
if you remember me.

I was the Italian guy
who came to your office.

Oh. Oh, yeah. The Italian guy.

-Domenico.
-You were kind of an asshole.

No, I was very much
an asshole.

Um, I just wanted to tell you
that I'm very sorry.

You were very helpful to me

when I started
this online thing,

and I may acted like an idiot.

Okay.

It went horrible, by the way.

This online dating stuff.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Maybe I'm not supposed
to meet anybody this way.

-I don't know.
-You know, I--I'm so sorry.

I lost my keys, and I have
no idea where they are,

and I kind of need
to be somewhere, so...

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.
That's all I wanted to say.

-All right.
-Bye.

Bye.

-Do you need a ride?
-What?

My car is right here.

I could drive you
wherever you need to go.

Oh, no. That's okay.

I'm not a rapist or anything,
I promise you.

No. I know. It's--I'm sure
you've got better things to do.

Not really. All I've been
doing is dating on the computer,

and it's all done now.

So my Fiat 500 is right here
if you need any help.

-I'm--I'm--
-That's okay.

Bye.

-Fix it again, Tony.
-What?

Uh, it--I--that's
what they say about Fiats.

They say it stands
for "Fix it again, Tony."

-I never heard this before.
-No?

-You are funny.
-No.

I--it's an old joke.

I'm so--it's not.

Um, so would you mind?

I really don't mind.
I could drive you

wherever you have to go
until you find your keys.

Which is probably never,
'cause your purse

is the size
of my grandma's house

in the south of Italy.

Okay. Thank you.

So I'm going to Olympic
and Sawtelle.

There's a restaurant there
called Clusi Batusi.

Do you know it?

-Clusi Batusi?
-Uh-huh.

I've been on 29 dates there
last week.

I love that place.

[Battles' "Ice Cream"]

♪

[man singing indistinctly]

♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado
derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado
derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado
derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪

♪ Simple, yes, my friend

♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪

♪ Simple, yes, my friend

♪

Are you familiar
with the genocide

that happened in Cambodia?

-Uh...
-Back in the early '80s,

late '70s?

-The Khmer Rouge?
-No.

So there was--
there was a massive genocide

in Cambodia at that time,
and, like,

they think about 3 million
to 4 million people were killed.

'Cause my last date,
we talk about ice cream.

-Ice cream?
-But through this date, now

-we are talking about genocide.
-Yeah?

My penis looks like
a 65-years-old penis,

and I'm only 32.

-Oh, God.
-I promise.

It's so, like, run out

that it's like, what do you do?

It gets the social security
from the government.

-That's good. That's good.
-That's how old it looks.

[laughs]

I know. You want to see it?

No, I'm good. Thanks.

How old are you?

You're not supposed
to ask a woman that.

[Domenico] Uh, 30...

Now you're gonna guess?

Can you imagine
what I have to wear

when I go to a Muslim singles
dating website?

Dynamite all over my body.

[man] ♪ Dame un helado
derritiéndose ♪

When I was in my 20s,
I was in New York,

and I wanted to be
a soap opera actor.

All I wanted to do
was seduce women on TV.

That's all I wanted
to do, right?

So I got the--I got--
I got a great manager.

True fucking story, right?
She had Brian Dennehy.

She had, like,
all these big clients and me.

She took me
to the best acting teacher

in the city,
but I was so impatient.

So one night, my mother
comes into my fucking bar,

does cocaine
with the fucking coke dealer,

looks at my fucking manager,
and goes,

"Why aren't you sending my son
out on auditions,

you fucking bitch?"

They get into a fucking brawl
at the bar,

my mother and my manager.

The manager
never sent me out again.

My mother apologized.

She then fucks this guy
in the bathroom.

True fucking story.

I take her home.
I lived on 80th street.

I go, "Mom, thanks
for this fucking night.

"You go--you go--you fucked
my cocaine dealer, okay?

"He was one of my
bigger tippers, right?

"Now he's gonna be embarrassed
to fucking come in here.

You fucking lost
my acting career,

and all in one night."

So...

♪