All language subtitles for i l opiopoiuztr

[ Mechanical Beeping ]

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

[ Bell Dings ]

Hey, guys.

Welcome to another edition of
J-J-J-J, J-TECH!

J-TECH. [ Imitates Ray Gun ]

A vlog specializing in
reviewing new consumer
technologies.

[ Sings ] * It's J-TECH He
reviews those apps *

* It's J-TECH I want that
guy on my lap *

13N13N * * [ Bugle: First
Call ] This episode this week,
we're gonna review a self-help
app.

Self-help is a big business
right now.

Uh, ones that help you with
self confidence, anxiety,
insomnia.

A little, uh, drug addiction

- * * [ Electronic Drum
Beat ] - A little drug
addiction Drug addiction. Aaah.

And there's apps out there for
people who think they've been
abducted by aliens.

And there's tracking devices
in their brain. It's called the
Alien Brain Scan app.

You should check it out. It's
totally weird.

However, I did find one app
that kinda stood out to me.

Unlike the other apps, which
are designed to solve a
specific problem,

this claims that it can help
with an an with anything.

You just input your goal, and
it sends you a series of
custom-tailored missions...

to help you accomplish it.

And what's really interesting
about it...

is an interactive feature
interactive feature

that allows you to keep track
of your progress...

by filming yourself with your
camera...

in order to help you
accomplish the mission.

The app is called i-Lived...

and I know it sounds a little
weird, but it's pretty cool,

and it's really fun and easy
to use.

So, here is the app, which is
bright and positive...

and has a guy jumping into
action with the tag line,

"You Haven't Lived Until
i-Lived."

Whoa.

Thank God I found this thing,
'cause I'm ready to finally
start living.

Once you've downloaded the app
and signed the user agreement,

you are then prompted to
answer a series of questions
about yourself,

much like you'd find on any
dating app or Web site.

Anyway, whether you decide to
answer the questions or not,

you are then asked to input
your goal.

And what's the most important
thing for a guy to have on the
beach in LA?

That's right, a six-pack.

So I entered my goal. "I want
a ripped six-pack to share with
the ladies."

And I received my first
mission via text message [
Chimes ]

that read, "Welcome aboard.

You have started your journey
to acquiring a six-pack to
share with the ladies."

Oh, yeah. It is on.

So, I set up the camera on my
phone,

and began filming myself
performing each exercise.

That's me doing sit-ups,

jogging,

eating right.

Not only do I look like a
bird, now I have to eat like
one, too.

Me want protein.

[ Whirs ]

And now the moment of truth.

I took a picture of myself
before the program,

just to do a little "before
and after" comparison.

And here's my stomach right
now.

Ugh!

[ Buzzer Buzzes ] Nothing.

13N13N[ Canned Audience ]Aw.
Not even a three-pack.

This is a one-pack.

In fact, all that broccoli
just made me feel a little bit
bloated,

and gave me some gas. [
Flatulence ]

So, it was fun because you get
to film yourself...

and share your pathetic dreams
and subsequent struggles with
the world.

But it's really not that
effective...

in actually helping improve
oneself.

That's why I'm gonna give the
app i-Lived...

[ Bell Dings ] two out of five
stars.

It's not really worth it. [
Electricity Shuts Down ]

Shit.

What the hell? I hope I saved
all that.

[ Shoe Squeaks ] Oh, shit.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clicking ]

[ Gasps, Exhales ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, that's today.

Damn it.

[ Man On Computer ] I see you
haven't moved yet.

Any chance of you two kids
getting back together?

I don't think so.

You should give her a call.

Yeah. Uh, no. She left me.
Remember?

Well, maybe if you had a real
job with some security, instead
of these start-ups

Dad. Really?

We sacrificed a lot to send
you to Stanford.

And what are you doing with
it?

There are no real good jobs.

So, you spend all your time
online playing with gadgets
and-and video games.

You know I'm trying to start
my own tech company.

The Internet's a great place
to build a following.

And I'm reviewing apps because
they're popular right now,

and I can make tons of money
on YouTube.

- Whatever. - Well, all I'm
saying is that you are wasting
your talent.

Okay, I got it.

Okay, but don't forget to pray
for your mother.

Talk to you later.

[ Video Game Fanfare ] You
dare assault me?

You, who have done far worse
than I!

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Buzzing Continues ] [
Ringing Continues ]

Fuck.

- [ Cell Phone Rings ] - Hey.
I'll be right out.

No, no, no. Hold up. Check
this out.

[ Buzzing Continues ] [ Woman
] It's Mrs. Lee, your landlord.

Remember me?

I know your ugly ass is in
there.

You're not sneaky.

You're not gonna screw me, you
douche bag.

* * [ Hip-hop ]

[ Man ] I can't believe she
hasn't evicted you yet.

I know. Thanks for changing
your mind at the last minute,
dick.

I told you from the beginning
I wasn't sure if I could move
in.

You can't afford that place,
dude. You don't have a job.

Duh, I know.

Can you stop texting and watch
the fucking road?

Look, man, do you know how
much time it takes...

to maintain three dating sites
at once?

[ Chuckles ] I know. I should
have never introduced you to
those.

Hey, speaking of which, I owe
you big time.

You know how many bitches I've
banged using this method?

The weird thing is I kinda
believe you.

And then I look at your face,
and I'm like, there's no
fucking way.

[ Man ] Oh, there's a way.

I'm taking care of your ass
tonight, man.

I got a couple of, uh,
European chicks lined up.

You know what that means,
don't you?

- What? - Anal.

[ Scoffs ] You're sick.

Watch the road, watch the
road!

I got it. Chill out, dude.

Anyway, I don't need your
help,

'cause I've actually been
bangin' bitches on my own on
the side.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, man.

You been bangin' bitches, huh?
Yeah, dude.

I've been, like, fucking hard,
dude.

Hard fuckin' 'em? Dude, with
my dick.

Wow. You've been fucking girls
with your dick?

[ Josh ] Dude. Yep. That's
fucking great, man.

[ Josh ] Gettin' it in, dude.
Puttin' it in 'em.

[ Josh ] Puttin' it.

Can you name me one of these
girls that you put your dick
in?

Jill's been gettin' it. [ Man
] Jill?

Dude, she's That's a great
made-up name.

No, she's been gettin' the
dick, dude.

You're doing your bobblehead
thing. It's like a woodpecker.

That's how I know you're
lyin'. All right, I

I just don't want to get in
another relationship, okay?

I'm not talking about
relationships, dude.

I'm talking about getting that
scent back on you.

- What scent? - The scent...
of vagina.

Ugh. You're so creepy, dude.

It's the scent that lets
ladies know you don't need 'em.

Because you get laid all the
time, man. Bitches love that
scent.

So, what we're gonna do is
we're gonna refocus.

We're gonna hook you up with a
couple of hotties tonight, man.

'Cause I swear to God, you
could do a lot better than
that.

My ex was super cute. No, she
wasn't, man.

She had a big nose, and Fuck
you, dude.

Fuck you. And she had cankles.
* * [ Ringtone ]

[ Josh ] That was debatable.
Marie Helen.

Bonjour, mon petit poussin.

That means "little chicken."
It's French.

Yes, this is Bobby Yen. I'll
be there in a minute, baby.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Why are you talking with a
French accent?

Dude... I'm Filipino.

Oh. Where did you go?

I had to go to the bathroom. I
was takin' a piss.

[ Marie Helen ] You were gone
for a while.

[ Bobby ] Yeah, I take long,
long pisses. [ Marie Helen ]
Oh. That's

[ Bobby ] You look great, by
the way. I love this.

Oh, thanks. It's a necklace.

Yeah, it's a great necklace.

Thank you.

- [ Bobby ] Anyways, where's
your friend at? - Oh, she got
stuck.

[ Bobby Clears Throat ] Hey,
Josh.

The friend, she got sick.
She's not showin' up. I'm
sorry.

Yeah. I'm-I'm cool. Don't
worry about it.

We can get the fuck out of
here if you want.

- No, it's cool. You just owe
me. - We're cool?

Better, uh, watch out. Looks
like some guy's moving in on
your turf.

All right.

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Yo. What the hell is that?

Oh. Uh, nothing.

You just buy a girl a drink,
dude?

[ Scoffs ] No. I drink these
all the time.

Yeah, you did. Which one?

Ooh. She's hot.

Hey. Now's your chance. Go get
it.

No way. Did you see the way
she just dissed that
Abercrombie guy?

I don't have a chance, man.

All those good-looking guys
are gay.

Now go over there and do your
thing, man. Be yourself.

[ Clears Throat ]

Like a like a cool version of
yourself. You know?

The sky's the limit, you're
the man, all that shit.

Go get it. Have fun.

I bet you're a Kamikaze girl.

Are you asking me if I have a
death wish?

No. What

What? Like, the drink Like
Kamikazes?

No. Sorry.

Okay, sorry I asked.

What? That's it?

I'm sorry?

You said that already.

Right. Okay, uh, it's just a
drink that I thought you might
enjoy.

That's That's it.

You could just ask a girl.

Yeah, I could do that.

Or are you too macho?

You're the kinda guy who
thinks he knows what a woman
wants.

- Do you like to take charge
of a woman? - No! It

Wait a second, is this a trick
question?

Tricky question.

Right. Okay. Um... [ Clears
Throat ]

May I offer you ladies a
beverage this evening?

You're cute. I don't know.
What do you think?

- Come on. - Mm-mmm, no.

All right.

Pull up a chair.

She has terrible taste in men.

[ Engine Revving ]

[ Engine Off ]

I just want to say Shh.

Good night, Josh.

[ Engine Starts ]

Good night. [ Exhales ]

[ Tires Squealing ]

* * [ Whistles ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

[ Rumbling Continues ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Josh ] You are getting
sleepy,

very sleepy.

All other noise has been
drowned out.

My stress is completely gone.

I'm about to fall asleep.

[ Snores ]

White Noise is the name of the
app, and it comes with a video
option.

That's why I'm gonna give it
three out of five stars.

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

And now, I'd like to thank all
of you...

who've been liking me on all
the social networks,

and for all of you new
subscribers.

We're almost 300 strong. That
is awesome!

Dad, are you proud of me yet?

I'm doin' everything I can out
here in Hollywood.

I'm tryin' as hard as I can.

All right. That's enough,
Michael Caine.

And this brings me back to the
app...

that I reviewed just several
days ago.

- i-Lived. - [ Canned
Laughter, Applause ]

And I may have been just a
little bit too harsh...

in my first evaluation
because...

it's a lot more clever than I
initially thought, see?

It used the GPS on my phone to
actually track the bar that I
was in...

to connect me with the one
cute girl that I had my eye on.
[ Cat Yowls ]

[ In German Accent ] Not that
the app had anything to do...

with actually knowing who that
person was,

but it still gave me the
courage to step to that person.

Ja.Exactly.

[ German Accent Continues ]
So, here is a picture of my
cheating ex-girlfriend.

[ Imitates Gunshot ]

And here is a picture of the
girl...

that the app miraculously got
me talking to.

[ Sighs ] It's like one is a
Victoria's Secret model,

and the other one's a bitch.

So, that's why I feel like
this app...

deserves a little bit more
in-depth analysis,

or what I like to call a
J-TECHdouble take.

D-D-Double take. Double take.

The first thing I did was
click on the user reviews...

to see what others are saying
about the app,

and it linked back to the Web
site,

where I found a bunch of
actual testimonials.

This app has totally changed
my life.

When I started using it,
about, um, six months ago,

I was afraid of everything.

I was afraid of heights, I was
afraid of traveling,

and I just walked over the
Golden Gate Bridge.

Um, I've lived here my whole
life,

and I'm terrified of heights,
and I did it.

It changed me. I mean, it
totally changed my life.

All right. Then there's this
guy.

[ Man ] Whoo!

I'd always wanted to be a
pilot, so I got on i-Lived.

And now here I am, landing a
B-17!

And it's all because of
i-Lived.

[ Speaking French ]

[ In French Accent ] i-Lived.

Weird. There's a lot of wackos
using this thing,

just like every other app, but
this actually seems to be
working for a lot of people.

So, I'm finally ready to start
taking this thing seriously,

and enter a new goal.

Make Greta...

my new girlfriend.

'Cause makin' out with a chick
in a bar is one thing,

but cl-cl-closing the deal is
a whole nother animal.

[ Imitates Horse Whinny ]

It could be a big job for
i-Lived. [ Canned Laughter,
Applause ]

[ Phone Chimes ] Incoming
message.

"Girls like nice guys."

"Do something nice for six
people."

All right.

[ Imitates A Mad Scientist ]
Let the experiment begin.

I'm signing off. But until
then, I'm Josh.

This has been J-TECH.
P-p-p-peace out.

* * [ Blues ]

You been here all day. You
gotta shake the spot. Time for
you to go.

[ Woman Speaking Native
Language ]

Thank you very much. Thank
you.

Yeah, please. Thank you for
your help.

Can I help you across the
street real quick? [ Woman ]
Uh, no.

Are you sure? Yeah. I'm sure.

Hey, hey. I'm helping your
dog.

Put this dog down. Jesus.
Sorry.

Who are you? I just wanted to
help.

All right, that definitely
didn't work.

* Shake, shake the spot *

[ Josh ] Who wants some candy?

Here's a lollipop for the big
boy.

* Now the shakin's all done
and the man says it's time to
go *

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

* Now do what you want, but
you can't shake it here no more
*

* I said I got a good bet
you know the spot *

* Took the girls home and
shake all night *

* I said shake, shake the
spot Ha, ha, ha *

* Shake Shake the spot * *
*

[ Keys Jangling ]

[ Engine Starts ]

What the fuck?

[ Whispers ] Bitch.

Goddamn it.

[ Sighs ]

Hello?

[ Squeaks ]

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

So, we've just put the celery,
onions and carrots in here to
sauté.

We're gonna bring it back, and

This should be called the
Cougar Cooking Class, 'cause,
you know

[ Meows ]

13N13N * * [ Latin Dance ] [
Woman ] One, two, three, four,
one

Now, remember, this is a very,
very male dance.

You have to be very strong.
Now take me 'round.

Very good.

"One hour to madness and joy!

O furious! O confine me not!

What is this that frees me so
in storms?

What do my shouts amid
lightnings and raging winds
mean?

O savage! O" [ Record Scratch
]

Hey, man. We're trying to have
some coffee here.

That's Walt Whiteman, you
jerk.

First of all, it's Whitman.

What man? Not "what man?"
Whitman.

It's Walt Whitman.

Whatever, dude. No culture in
LA.

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Tattoo Gun Buzzes ]

[ Tattooer ] All right. We're
done.

[ Greta Laughs ]

That's crazy. I lived the
exact same thing.

Yeah, well, no more blind
faith for me...

when it come to matters of the
heart.

Well [ Chuckles ]

I'm not gonna let some crazy
narcissist ruin it...

for all the good girls out
there.

Oh, so you're like a
philanthropist? No, no, no.

Uh, more like a humanitarian
anda poet.

[ Laughs ] Oh, really? A poet.

"One hour to madness and joy!

O furious! O confine me not!

What is this that frees me so
in storms?

What do my shouts amid
lightnings and raging winds
mean?

O to drink the mystic deliria
deeper than any other man!

O savage and tender achings."

* * [ Latin ] "O to be
yielded to you, whoever you
are,

and you to be yielded to me,
in defiance of the world!"

[ Chuckles ]

"O to return to Paradise.

O bashful and feminine,

O to draw you to me,

to plant on you for the first
time,

the lips of a determined man."

[ Laughs ]

"O to be absolved from
previous ties and conventions.

I from mine, and you from
yours!

O madness amorous! O
trembling!" [ Laughs ]

"To drive free! To love free!

To dash reckless and
dangerous!

To court destruction with
taunts,

with invitations.

To ascend, to leap to the
heavens of the love indicated
to me.

To rise thither with my
inebriate soul!

To be lost, if it must be so!

To feed the remainder of life
with one hour of fullness and
freedom.

With one brief hour of madness
and joy."

One hour?

Two?

[ Greta Screams, Laughs ]

Is that a dolphin? [ Dolphin
Chirps ]

[ Cell Phone Chimes ] [ Greta
and Josh Panting ]

Again. Now.

[ Josh, Out Of Breath ] Just
hang on. [ Greta ] Okay.

[ Breath Quivers ]

[ Heavy Breathing ]

[ Greta Moans ]

[ Josh ] There's also a check
list...

to keep track of all those
hot, steamy, sexy positions,

as well as a rating system for
your performance.

Imperative for any man...

[ Whispers ] except me.

'Cause I am a jaguar in the
sheets.

[ Imitates Jaguar Growl ]

That's why I give "Kama Sutra
Love Journey,"

four out of five stars.

And to the makers of this app

[ Whispers ] You had me at
"sex position."

And for those of you who have
commented on my Facebook
status...

from going to "single" to
"in-in-in a relationship,"
sorry, ladies.

I'm not available. I'm off the
market now.

You're probably noticing that
the app i-Lived,

the experiment that I've been
doing, is going pretty well.

[ Exhales ]

And, by the increasing number
of users who have downloaded
the app,

it looks like it's going
pretty well for you guys too. [
Imitates Trumpet Fanfare ]

[ Imitates Newscaster ] There
have been some updates to the
Web site,

most notably the private
setting,

just in case you're too
embarrassed to show the
world...

what you're willing to do to
better yourself.

It's a shame from this
reviewer's standpoint,

because it provided hours of
great comedy.

Now, I'm gonna put the app to
the test with this next goal.

Get one...

million viewers.

No.

[ Voice Booms ] Eight million
viewers!

Viewers!

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

[ Panting ]

[ Heart Beating ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Chimes ]

Might I say that this is a
person dressed for success.

It's almost a perfect fit.

Just a little bit on the
inseam and the sleeves,

and the world is yours to
take, looking like that.

How much is it? This one's
$2300.

And you're looking at about
$2700 with alterations.

Okay. Yeah.

Do you, uh, have something in
a different fabric? Maybe a bit
darker?

I think I might. Yeah, let me
take a look.

What do you think?

Hot.

You think? Yeah, babe.

If you want to dress for
success, that's the way to do
it.

Do you mind getting the car
while I pay for this? I gotta
get back to work.

You're getting it?

You said hot, right?

[ Greta ] Like, "I want that
guy" hot.

Seriously. Get the car.

[ Salesman ] Oy! Sorry.

Oy, where are you going?

Hey!

Hang on, mate! Hey!

[ Greta ] Are you all right? [
Josh ] Yeah. I'm fine.

[ Car Engine Starts ] [ Josh ]
Let's go.

[ Salesman ] Hey! Come back
here!

[ Josh ] Come on. Go, go, go!
[ Tires Squeal ]

[ Loud Rumbling ]

[ Video Game Character ] Behold
your ruin and witness my
escape,

into the Kingdom of Purgatory,

and Paradise!

Yes!

Dude, I've been tryin' to beat
that level for God knows how
long.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ] You got
chicks coming over, man?

It's probably just my
landlord.

- You still haven't paid the
rent? - Fuck that bitch.

[ Buzzing Continues ]

Oh, we got a badass over here.

I'm gonna get it, man.

A real tough guy, huh?

* * [ Ringtone ] [
Snickers ]

Hey, listen here, little lady

Fuckin' weirdo.

[ Scoffs ] It's not even
raining.

[ Bobby ] Hey, man, you got
some weird-ass

Sure. Monday for coffee sounds
great.

All right, cool. See you then.

Some guy out of the UK is in
town and wants to give me a job
at this major tech site.

He said they're gonna pay me a
salary.

Nice. Now maybe you can quit
hiding in your own house.

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

"Always be firm and stand your
ground."

[ Snaps Fingers ] That's the
spirit.

That's a good one. I may use
that one, Josh.

[ Bell Jingles ]

[ Door Opens ]

[ Bell Jingles ]

Dude...

there's a line.

Yeah? And?

You just cut it.

What are you gonna do about
it?

It's cool, man. Yeah, I
thought so.

[ Bell Jingles ] [ Door Closes
]

Are you Joshua? [ Josh ] Yes.

Sit, sit.

Just "Josh" is fine.

Josh from J-TECH.

I'm Roberto Luis and I love
your little show, mate. Gotta
tell you.

Love how you mix your
personality with the reviews.

It's fresh. It's personal.

And most of all, it really
inspires trust in your
audience.

- Coffee? - I'm good. I've got

And let's face it, we're all
trying to sell something.

Advertising, technology,
entertainment, right?

- Are you the only writer? -
Yep. Just me.

Incredible.

Well, I may have an
interesting proposition for
you, mate.

How would you like to have
your own show...

on a site that has over eight
million viewers worldwide?

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

Did you say eight million?

[ Screams ]

Oh, fuck.

[ Groans ]

[ Screams ]

[ Josh ] What the hell is
this? Aaah!

[ Man Laughs ] Whoo! Look at
that hot bitch!

[ All Chanting ] i-lived!
i-lived! i-lived! i-lived!
i-lived!

You are slaves. I'm a slave.

We're all slaves!

Not to God or the government,
but to the aliens who live
among us!

Beware! The technological alien
invasion is coming!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Josh ] Who the hell are
these people?

Wait a second, I know this
dude.

Jeremy Otto.

Weird.

[ Josh ] He was using the app.

Dude... there's a line.

Yeah? And?

[ Josh ] You just cut it.

[ Otto ] What are you gonna do
about it?

It's cool, man.

Yeah, I thought so.

[ Mouse Clicks ]

[ Mouse Clicks ]

[ Mouse Clicks ] [ Cell Phone
Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

* * [ Techno ]

Can I get a beer and a
kamikaze?

One more time? A beer and a
kamikaze!

Yeah. Sure.

Hello?

[ Groans ]

Hey.

What's your favorite animal?

I don't know.

Excuse me. Ugh.

I guess it's, like, pugs or
something.

They're cute, they got
scrunchy faces.

You're staring. It's weird.
Can I get a drink?

Here you go.

Uh, Greta's tab?

Uh, yeah. All right.

[ Woman ] Hi. Nice to meet
you.

[ Urinating ]

[ Toilet Flushes ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Electricity Shuts Off ]

[ High-pitched Ringing ]

[ Door Opens ] [ Electricity
Buzzing ]

Dad?

What are you doing?

Where's Mom?

Mom?

[ Josh ] I'm home.

What's the matter?

Mom?

- [ Woman Screams ] - [ Man,
Laughing ] Oh, shit! Sorry.

- Let's go in here. - [ Heavy
Breathing ]

[ Greta ] What happened?

What do you mean?

We rushed out of there.

I, uh, just wanted to be alone
with you.

Okay, good. Me too.

* * [ Ringtone ]

* * [ Continues ] Hello?

This is, yes.

That's great.

Okay.

Of course I have a lawyer.

Sure. I'll do that.

Okay, great.

Talk to you later.

I guess I have to find a
lawyer.

You got the job.

I think I got the job.

You think?

I got the job.

[ Computer Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Computer Beeps ]

Hey, what's up? It's so late.

I had to try, just in case you
were awake.

What's going on? Are you guys
okay?

Praise the Lord.

The doctors can't explain it.

They said they think she's in
total remission.

It's a miracle.

A complete reversal in three
weeks.

What? How is that possible?

I don't know.

Last week she was in such
pain...

that she wanted to take her
own life.

I told her it would keep her
out of heaven if she did.

She wanted to kill herself?

Why didn't you call me?

I I wanted to help her do it.

I'm so ashamed to say it, but
[ Sniffles ]

I love her so much.

I know you love her, Dad.

Now she's gonna be okay. Gonna
be all right.

I tried, Son.

The Lord is rewarding us.

I can't believe it.

Now, you should go back to
sleep.

- I love you, Son. - Dad, who
who's at the house with you?

Just me and your mom.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

Dad, I can see someone sitting
at the sofa chair.

What are you talkin' about?

[ Computer Beeps ]

[ Floor Creaking ]

Damn it.

Greta?

I didn't upload the video.

What?

The video for the app.

I usually have to upload the
video, and then things happen.

I got the job, and I didn't
upload the last video.

You got the job because...

you are talented.

And because you know your
stuff.

Not because of some stupid
app.

Come back to bed.

[ Beeps ]

Are you done with it yet?

[ Beeps, Chimes ]

Yeah, I am.

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Josh ] What's great about
this app...

is you can access all your
cameras...

right from your phone,
anywhere in the world.

So, let's say you're goin' out
of town,

and you're leaving your kids
behind 'cause you don't wanna
take 'em.

Or maybe you got that wife
that's creepin' around, she's
cheatin'.

You can check on her too.

Or maybe you got somebody that
might be breakin' into your
house.

You can check on your house
from anywhere in the world.

That's what's pretty cool
about this.

There's also a la-la-la-la-
loop feature,

which allows you to flip from
camera to camera without even
doing anything.

And that's why I give this app
four out of five stars.

Which brings me to my next
announcement!

Yours truly, J-TECH,

is about to make a huge deal
with the enormous tech site,
Tekker.org.

Ah.

I'm gonna be hostin' their app
review show.

[ Imitates Slot Machine ]
Because I'm gonna be actually
getting paid money.

Dolla, dolla bill. [ Imitates
Slot Machine ] [ Cash Register
Dings ]

Now, hold up.

Hold up. Hold up.

I know some of you purists out
there are, like, "Josh, you
sellin' out, okay?

Because you not gonna be
little J-TECHanymore.

You gonna be big J-TECH!" And
I get it, okay?

I'm not sellin' out, because
you guys...

are gonna be part of a much
larger network of dorks around
the world.

Around the world.

Oh, and for those of you who
have been following the i-Lived
app experiment,

check this out motherfuckers!

Six-pack, bitches!

I'm Josh from J-TECH. Peace
out, bitches.

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

I do a lot of push-ups. You
know, in my spare time.

It's all I do.

Hey. What's up, man?

This is a great party, huh?
Yeah.

Hey, this is Alex.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

Hey, have you seen Greta
anywhere?

Greta? I don't remember what
she looks like.

Whoa. Excuse me. [ Clears
Throat ]

[ Chatter ]

Excuse me.

[ Greta Chuckling ] Stop.

[ Greta Sighs ]

[ Whispering ]

You wanna get outta here?
Absolutely.

[ Sighs ]

Can you give me a second?

Two minutes.

Josh...

come on.

You're a great guy, and I have
a lot of fun with you, but...

I made myself pretty clear.

No strings attached, remember?

No. I don't remember.

What did you think this was
gonna be, really?

Nothing. Whatever.

You're hurt.

We're all good.

[ Footsteps Receding ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Panting ]

Yes. Joshua Fosse.

He was supposed to call and
talk to me about the terms of
my

Well, can I talk to him?

13N13N[ Elevator Bell Dings ] [
Beeps ]

[ Woman ] Can I help you?

Yeah. Uh, hi. Mr. Luis,
please.

He's unavailable. I told you
that on the phone.

No, you said he didn't know
me.

I've been calling for, like,
three days. How do you

- Is that his office there? -
Please. I don't want to have to
call security.

Who is that?

- Sir - Who is he meeting with
in there?

Mr. Luis!

Mr. Luis!

Mr. Luis!

- Roberto! - Come on, man,
just chill out...

or I have to call the cops.
Why don't youchill out?

Why don't you all just chill
out?

[ Door Ajar Alarm Rings ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Engine Cranking ]

[ Engine Starts ]

Yes!

[ Horn Honks ] [ Tires
Screeching ]

Fuck! [ Horn Stops ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Woman ] 911. What is your
emergency?

Yeah, somebody broke into my
garage. What is your address?

233 North Norton Avenue.

Hello?

Hello?

Fuck.

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

Joshua.

You all right?

You've been out for a while.
Can you sit up?

I'm Detective McQuee. Here's
my card.

If the guy comes back, just
give me a call. All right.

* * [ Ringtone ]

[ Beeps ]

Dad.

What's going on? I'm at the
hospital.

Where's Mom?

She's in the ICU.

I thought you said she was
getting better. We need to
pray, Son.

You said she getting better!
She was.

I don't know what happened, but
she took a turn for the worse.

How bad? She's in a coma.

Fuck.

Pray with me, Son. Will you
stop with that?

You're always praying for her.
What has that ever gotten you?

I'm scared.

I know the feeling.

Please. Pray with me, Son.

I'm gonna hang up now, okay?

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

"Devil I."

[ Beeps, Chimes ]

Oh.

[ Low, Indistinct ]

Hey!

[ Chimes ]

I mean, that is the craziest
shit that I've ever heard.

I think you might want to lay
off the computers for a while.

I saw this guy following me.

He was in my house.

The same guy in my parent's
house.

A guy in a black trench coat
teleported from your parents'
house in Michigan...

to your house through Skype?

Teleporting? I'm fucking
serious, dude.

I mean, I don't know, man. Did
you read the user agreement?

What did I sign?

I was just messing with you,
man.

No, it makes sense. No, it
doesn't.

You didn't sign your soul away
on your iPhone, all right?

I'm gonna break it down for
you. Here we go Greta? She's
out of your league.

She's smart. She's older. She
has money.

She's fuckin' hot.

I'm mean, she's probably, uh,
just geeking it.

And this UK web site thing,
right?

It's a start-up, so it's worth
a billion dollars today and
then tomorrow they're bankrupt.

And your mom? Dude.

I'm sorry to say this, but
she's been terminal for almost
a year now.

I mean, you told be back then
she'd be lucky to make it past
three months.

So, I don't know what this
thing's doing to your head,

but it's not responsible for
what's happened in your life
You are.

This thing is real.

Sometimes, I'm bangin', like,
a really hot model.

And it feels real.

But then I'm, like, "Oh,
shit."

[ Scoffs ] "I'm masturbating!"

On the Internet, that's what
you're doin'.

You're masturbating, man.

I don't need you for this.
I'll do it on my own.

No, you won't. Hey, hey, look.

You're about to commit a very
serious felony right now, all
right?

This isn't like, uh, stealing
suits or giving kids candy.

I think I think I have a
better idea.

There's a way we can do this
cleanly.

What do you know about
kidnapping someone?

Dude... I'm Filipino.

Hey! Help me! Help me! Help
me!

[ Screaming ]

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

Rejected?

How's that possible?

Hey! How are you? Oh, I'm so
thirsty.

Are you sure you don't want
anything? It's totally on me. [
Chimes ]

They have, like, the best chai
latte.

Um Mmm! Have you talked to
Bobby Yen?

I tried calling him to let him
know we're done, but he's not
answering.

Anyway, I've never played a
kidnapping victim before.

Do you think I could get a
copy of that for my reel?

Or, you know, I could get it
of YouTube as well.

[ Chuckles ] Are you all
right?

Josh? You can't fool it.

[ Cell Phone Rings ] Oh! Hey.
Where are you guys?

What's the matter?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Where Where are
you?

Okay, okay.

Bobby's been in an accident. I
mean, he he's at the hospital,
Josh.

How many fucking pages is this
thing?

[ Plates Shattering ]

[ Floor Creaking ]

[ Mom ] Josh.

Josh.

Mom?

[ Gagging ]

You...

did this.

Why?

[ Coughs ]

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

Hey, guys! It's Josh, from
J-TECH.

Got a great bunch of reviews
for you to share

me to share with you today.

Uh, see a lot of you have
unsubscribed from my vlog.

I, uh I understand. It's okay.

You're probably waiting for
that new link to my new show
that I promised you.

Well... I decided to go in
another direction.

I didn't want to be a
corporate sellout...

and be selling somebody else's
product, if you know what I
mean.

Anyway, the first app that
we're gonna review today let me
let me get my list real quick.

[ Papers Rustling ]

Here we go.

Here's the list, okay?

The first app I'm gonna review
is all about [ Doorbell Buzzes
]

[ Doorbell Buzzes ] The first
app that I

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Damn it!

What now?

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - [
Paper Crinkles ]

- What? - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[ Beeps ]

What? Hello, Josh.

[ Beeps ] I'm sorry to disturb
you.

[ Beeps ] I was just wondering
if you were able to pay your
rent.

[ Josh ] Really? Is that why
you gave me an eviction notice?

[ Mrs. Lee ] I'm sorry about
that, but it has been three
months.

[ Josh ] I just need a little
bit more time.

I'll get it to you soon. I
just got a new job working
online.

Online? Josh. [ Chuckles ]

I have a lot of people who are
ready to pay some real money
for this house.

[ Josh ] It's always about the
money, isn't it?

[ Mrs. Lee ] Oh, I know things
have been hard on you...

since you broke up with your
girlfriend.

She was such a nice girl. It's
too bad. [ Gasps ]

Josh!

I didn't know you graduated
from Stanford.

[ Gasps ] Oh, your parents
must be so proud of you.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

Even though things haven't
exactly panned out for you.

By the way, how is your
mother?

Is she still dying?

- What are you Josh! - [
Shattering ]

[ Doors Closing ] [ Engine
Starts ]

[ Muffled Screaming ]

[ Jenny ] Josh? Shit!

You scared the hell out of me.

- [ Muffled Screaming ] - You
too. What's going on? What's
that sound?

Um... I got a dog.

You got a dog?

Yes, I got a dog.

I always wanted to get a dog.
You never let me.

Yeah?

Well, I didn't feel like
livin' with two bitches.

You don't have to be mean
about it.

What do you mean "mean," do
you mean like bring other guys
in our bed?

Guy. Not guys. Huge difference
for me.

And besides, I always told you
I was on the fence about us.

Well, you're outside the fence
now.

So you can just go. How'd you
even get in here?

I still have a key. I told you
I was coming to get my last
box.

All right, there it is. Take
it.

Josh?

What? I'm very busy right now.

I just wanted to apologize for
the way I treated you. Good.

Hope you feel better about
yourself now.

I should have never left the
way I did. I'm glad you did.

Don't miss me?

Even a little bit? This is
nuts!

Why are you so angry?

Because you cheated, lied,
stole and dumped me like a
piece of shit...

when there was nothing left to
take.

Now take your box and get the
fuck out!

What happened to you, Josh?

Why? 'Cause I'm not getting
used and pushed around by you
anymore?

Good.

I love you.

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Why can't she just get it
through her head to move on

Greta.

Jesus. What happened?

I'm so sorry.

I feel horrible about the way
I treated you.

When it rains, it pours.

I know it's stupid to cry like
this.

No. I didn't mean it like
that.

I just didn't expect things to
go so far between us.

What?

I think I really fell for you
'cause I got scared too, and
then

I'm just gonna go. Wait.

And I know it doesn't mean
anything anymore, but...

I didn't sleep with him.

[ Sniffles ] Josh...

any girl would be lucky to be
with you.

* * [ Ringtone ]

[ Beeps ]

Yeah.

I've been expecting your call.

So, thank you guys so much for
watching!

This has beenJ-TECH. Signing
off for Tekker TV. Peace out.

[ Luis ] Did I tell you or did
I tell you?

I mean, look at that face.

Is that not the face of
technology?

Of the future?

You can trust this face. I
know I do.

It's great.

Beautiful face.

[ Groaning ]

[ Computer Rings ]

Help! Shut up!

Just get away from me! [
Screams ]

Help! Help! Help!

Shut up! [ Panting ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

Is Mom better?

How did you know?

I just had a feeling.

Someone here wants to talk to
you.

Hi, baby.

It's okay. Mom's okay.

The doctors say they think I'm
gonna be just fine.

It's the darndest thing, isn't
it?

[ Sniffles ] I love you, Mom.

I love you too, sweetheart.

I'm gonna visit really soon.
I'm sorry I haven't been there
for you.

Don't you worry about me. You
just take care of yourself.

I know I'm in your prayers.

I love you.

I'll be right back.

Thank the Lord.

[ Sighs ]

I won't lie to you. She's in a
lot of pain.

[ Cries ] But they say that
she's gonna live.

I tell you, we have a guardian
angel looking over this family,
Josh.

How else can you explain it.

Thank the Lord. Blessed be thy
name.

Dad, Mom is standing behind
you.

What are you talking about?

[ Panting ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Man ] One, two. * Some day
*

* Yeah *

[ Man Indistinct ] * I just
feel good today *

[ Laughs ] * Just say Eddie,
Eddie *

* You're not the same *
Sing it, daddy.

* * [ Man Singing Rap ]

No. [ Muffled Mumbling ] * *
* [ Continues ]

[ Electricity Crackles ] [
Mrs. Lee Screaming ]

* * [ Stops ]

[ Whispering ] I have to do it
again.

[ Electricity Crackles ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Knocking ]

Josh? It's Greta.

[ Knocking ]

I know you're in there.

[ Knocking ]

I missed you.

I have a surprise for you.

[ Woman ] * Feeling, it
feels so good *

* Wear a veil of golden
light *

13N13N * * [ Continues ] [
Panting ]

[ Moaning ]

* But I don't know what
happens now *

* Wear a veil of golden
light *

* We are the worst *

* We are the worst *

* All night All right *

* * [ Continues ]

* We are the worst *

* We are the worst *

* All night All right *

[ Growling ]

[ Grunting ]

* We are the worst *

[ Moaning ] [ Grunting ]

* All night All right * *
*

[ Laughing ]

* * [ Ends ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Computer Ringing ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

Is Mom better?

How did you know?

I just have a feeling.

Someone here wants to talk to
you.

[ Mom ] Hi, baby.

Oh, it's okay, honey.

The doctors say they think I'm
gonna be just fine.

It's the darnedest thing,
isn't it?

I love you, Mom.

I love you too, sweetheart.

I'm gonna visit really soon.
I'm sorry I haven't been there.

No, don't you worry about me.

You take care of yourself,
okay?

I love you.

[ Dad ] I'll be right back.

Thank the Lord!

Dad, listen to me.

They say she's gonna live.

13N13NWe have a guardian
angellooking after this family,
Son. [ Mumbling ]

How else can you explain it.

Thank the Lord. Oh, blessed be
thy name.

She's standing right behind
you!

She's gonna stab you with a
knife!

Dad, she's gonna stab you!
Watch out!

What are you talking about?

I feel so much better.

You look really tired. I think
you need to get some rest.

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Greta ] Josh.

It's Greta.

Go away!

[ Knocking ] Leave me alone!

I know you're in there.

Detective McQuee.

Hello? [ Panting ]

Hello?

Who's there?

Can you hear me?

Look, if you've got an
emergency, you gotta call 911,
all right?

Hello?

Hello?

[ Chimes ]

[ Man ] "'Tis a common proof
that lowliness is young
ambition's ladder,

where to the climber upward
turns his face.

But when reaches the upmost
round unto the ladder, he turns
his back,

looks to the sky, scorning the
base degrees by which he did
ascend."

Hello, Joshua.

What is this? Who are you?
What do you want from me?

If memory serves me right, it
was you who came looking for
me.

You needed help with a young
lady Greta.

Holy shit. The app.

i-Lived. Are you the
developer?

In a sense. Are you
unsatisfied with the product?

How does it work?

Like all apps. A series of
equations, fractions, numbers.

An algorithm designed to solve
a specific problem, fulfill a
need.

That's the definition of
technology.

From fire to the wheel to the
Internet

technology's made the world a
better place for you, has it
not?

This is different. It's like
it knows me.

It knows you, Josh, because
you've uploaded everything
about yourself.

Likes, dislikes, fears,

hopes, photos, videos,

intimate thoughts and desires.

I want it to stop.

Stop? Why would you want it to
stop?

Hasn't it given you everything
you've asked for, everything
you've wanted?

It's hurting people.

People hurt people, Josh. This
This is helping people.

By killing someone? Everybody
dies.

It's a means to an end. We're
just... helping them along.

It wants too much. Everything
is changing.

Everything's always changing.

It's the serpent shedding its
skin.

It's Eve giving Adam the
apple.

It's been with you since the
beginning of time.

Apple?

That's right. You think you
can take it on?

It's too late. We're in
business together, and the
numbers are climbing.

I never asked for this.

This is exactly what you asked
for.

- I want out. - I wish I could
help.

You signed a contract. You
made a deal.

I never read it.

They never do.

I want out.

Josh, let me remind you of all
of that amazing footage of you
and Miss Lee in the garage.

Torture, kidnapping,
electricity.

Oh, that that was good.

I own you.

i-Lived is 300 million strong
because of your glowing
endorsement.

You work for me now.

Josh, you're so close.

Be the man you're destined to
be.

Take it,

or... your life ends now.

I'm not sorry for this.

I have no feelings for you.

I have no remorse.

No guilt.

[ Muffled ] No! No!

* * [ Woman Singing ]

* Saw what I needed to see *
*

* Struggling to be myself *
*

* I looked into the mirror *
*

* And didn't recognize *

* * [ Continues ]

* * [ Continues ]

* I walked out to the ledge
*

* And closed my soul tight *
*

* There's no turning back *
*

* I want you to fly with me
*

* And soar into the light *
*

* I'll show you how *

* Oh, I *

* Am freakin' *

* In a sea of pain *

* Oh, I *

* Am flailing *

* In a sea of pain *

* Yeah *

* * [ Continues ]

* * [ Ends ]

* * [ Piano ]

* * [ Ends ]