Original subtitles

I'm coming, teapot, I'm coming!

Here I am.

What's that?

What did you say?

Oh, so you been calling the kettle black, huh?

That's funny.

Sit down, Pop, because I have a surprise for you.

Don't tell me that your Aunt Esther

had her face paved.

Nope.

Give me a hint. Oh... TV.

TV... they're going to rerun

Godzilla eats Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

and Gets Diabetes.

No, Pop. Guess who I met today.

In TV?

On one of your favorite shows.

My favorite show.

The Gong Show. You got it!

I met Chuck Barris.

Did you tell him you knew me?

Course I did, I told him

you were one of his biggest fans.

That's great, son. Where'd you meet him?

Well, I met him over at NBC.

I was delivering that old refrigerator

over there to one of those game shows,

and I met him in the parking lot.

Television's a tough business, ain't it, son?

One minute you're on top,

next minute you're parking cars.

Here you go, Pop.

A present from Chuck Barris to you.

Four tickets for the next Gong Show.

Oh, son, I love that show.

You the best son a father could have.

That's true.

You're more than a son.

You're my friend.

I work hard at it, Pop.

Now, let me see. Who should I ask?

Well, besides me, you could ask Aunt Esther.

Esther?

This is The Gong Show, not The Goon Show.

Give me my hat.

There's some seats over there.

Ain't none of them together.

Uh, look here.

Here, you go take...

You go over here, Donna.

No, wait a minute.

You got to get up.

No, wait a minute. You get up here.

You can sit over there.

Sit down right there.

And look here.

Can you move over some?

Y'all move back over here.

No. You come out of here.

Sit back there somewhere.

See where it's marked off over there?

Go on in there.

Bubba, you go on in there.

Over the other side. In here?

Okay. Let's see, now.

Come on, man, make up your mind!

You better come out of here altogether.

You better go in through...

No. Go over here.

Move out the way, son.

Go right in here.

What? No, no, no, no, no!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Come on, give me a break!

Help me!

Sit down. Sit over there.

What you looking at?

Fred, sit down.

Please, dear, sit down.

Settle down, audience.

That Chuck Barris sure is ugly in person.

Okay, we go in 10 seconds.

I went before I left home.

Fred!

Here we go. In five, four, three, two...

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

here's your host and the star of our show,

the sensational Mr. Chuck Barris.

All right, we have a good show,

so let's get started now.

Our first performer is from Stone Bend, Indiana.

A Swedish bell ringer, Sven, or Swen, Erickson!

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That's not fair. I liked him.

Hey, that's the way the show goes, Pop.

That's it for old, uh... the bellringer.

And now, our next contestant,

from Englewood, New Jersey,

ladies and gentlemen, a fine singer,

Mr. Barton Farley.

Barton. Thank you, thank you.

Hello, Charles.

That's, uh... That's Chuck.

I didn't want to take the liberty.

You should take the trolley.

Shh!

Okay, now, what are you going to sing for us, Barton?

Yes, I'm going to sing a great favorite of mine,

a tune made popular in the '30s

and one that has lingered on through the years.

Linger on this!

Okay.

Well, good luck, Barton Farley.

♪ If I did not care ♪

What is he doing?

Shh, Fred!

What do you mean be quiet?

Shh!

He's messing with the anthem!

♪ If I didn't ♪♪

Gong! DONNA: Fred!

Gong! Gong! Shh!

I've never been so humiliated

in all of my life.

What's the matter with you, son?

That guy is singing "If I Didn't Care".

That was like Moshe Dayan

singing "When the Saints Go Marching In."

It was an interesting interpretation.

Well, I felt it lacked authenticity.

If they needed someone to sing "If I Didn't Care"

they could have asked me.

♪ If I didn't care ♪

♪ More than words can say ♪♪

Bravo, Fred!

Hey, Fred, why don't you go on that show?

Hey, that's a good idea, Fred.

Why, you could certainly audition for it.

Yeah, I think it would be fun, Pop,

and you could sing "If I Didn't Care."

I'll never sing "If I Didn't Care" again.

Not after it was ruined by Captain Honky.

Fred, there are a lot of songs you can sing.

I know, Donna, but I get nervous alone.

I have to have someone to sing with me.

♪ Ooh ♪♪

Oh, Lamont. Oh!

Whoa, Pop.

Lamont, that's a good idea. Whoa, Donna.

Yeah, and I'd be right there in that audience cheering you on.

Yay, Lamont!

Whoa, Pop, Bubba and Donna!

Come on, Lamont. If you're nervous...

If you're nervous about it,

we can get Rodney to tell some jokes.

You know, because, remember how good he was

when we went and helped him in that nightclub that time?

Rodney? I didn't even think you liked Rodney.

I don't.

Why? Why don't you like him, Fred?

Is it just because he's white?

No. He, well...

Because he used to be a gambler?

Well, he still is, but that's not it.

Then why don't you like him, Fred?

Now, hasn't he been a good husband to your sister?

Yeah, but she... But what?

He kisses wet.

He kisses... I beg your pardon?

Well, you see, Donna, Rodney's a very affectionate man,

and it drives Pop nuts.

Oh, but you could stand him long enough

to do The Gong Show with him, huh?

That's right.

Long enough to win that $500.

Wait a minute, don't count your $500 so fast,

because I still haven't said I'd do it.

You'll help me get those five bills

or you'll have to take these five pills.

We'll be there. Thank you.

You know, you're impossible.

Can't you tell me

what's bad about winning $516.32

for singing one song?

Can you tell me what's good

about making a fool out of yourself?

That's your trouble, Lamont.

You look at the poor side,

the losing side, the unpleasant side.

How did that happen to you?

How did you go wrong?

Bad upbringing, I suppose.

I'll get it.

Come in!

Fred, my brother-in-law!

Fred! Oh, no, no, no!

Rodney, don't do that!

Rodney, don't do that.

Don't you slobber on me!

I love you. I told you about that.

Lamont!

Whoa, all right, Rodney.

Oh, and she is... Mine!

Hello, Rodney. I'm Donna.

It's good to know you. No, it's not.

Donna, your warmth and your charm

are exceeded only by your beauty.

And may I say your mouth and your tongue

have just exceeded my nausea limit.

So back up while I throw up.

Is that a sense of humor?

Is he funny? I love you!

Hey, man, leave me alone!

Get off me and go on upstairs and unpack.

The audition's tomorrow at 2.

Tomorrow at 2?

Is that wild?

There's a horse running today

called Tonight at 8.

Hey, give me the phone.

Hey, you're not calling no bookie in my house.

Get on upstairs and unpack.

All right. Okay.

Hey, whose room am I going to share?

Yours or Lamont's?

His.

I don't know how to tell you this, Rodney,

but your room is where you flush your roommate.

Whoo!

And we were wondering

where all the good musicians were coming from.

Listen, what you got in that bag there?

Just a few personal things.

What jokes are you going to tell?

You know me. I don't tell jokes.

I say humorous remarks about current events

like Johnny Carson.

But don't worry about it.

No matter how rotten you may be,

I'll come in and help you.

All right, all right.

Sanford and sons.

Say, that's not "sons."

That's "Sanford and son."

This is my brother-in-law.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So am I.

Are you... Are you the spokesman?

Yeah, Mr. Barris. I certainly am.

See, we all decided

I was the one that would handle all the talking

and the negotiations and all the arrangement.

What is it?

Nothing. You just do your act, okay?

Here.

That's our stuff right there.

Do me a favor, will you?

Keep your eye on this for me.

Are you ready? BARRIS: Whenever you are.

Well, we're ready whenever you say you're ready.

We're ready.

They're ready.

Go ahead, Rodney.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

And I want to tell you

it's a pleasure to be here today.

As a matter of fact,

it's a pleasure to be anywhere today.

Especially when you read about the crime outside.

Speaking of crime,

why, just today, the sun came up at 5:30

and was mugged at 5:33.

That's why it's so muggy out.

See, I'm going to kill them with stuff like that,

and then I'll say, "Hit it."

♪ Grab your coat ♪

♪ Get your hat ♪

♪ Leave your worries On the doorstep ♪

♪ Life can be so sweet ♪

♪ On the sunny side Of the street ♪

♪ Hold tight ♪

♪ Hold tight ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight ♪

♪ Fodo-de-yacka saki ♪

♪ They want your seafood, Mama ♪

♪ Shrimps and rice ♪

♪ Are very nice ♪

♪ I like shrimp ♪

- ♪ And lobster too ♪ - All right, Fred.

♪ I like the taste of butter fish, Joe ♪

Shorty George!

♪ When I get home late at night ♪

♪ I get my favorite dish ♪

♪ Fish ♪

♪ Hold tight, hold tight ♪

That's really good. ♪ Hold tight ♪♪

That's good. That's all right.

But we have... But look here,

you haven't heard my son play the drums yet.

It's all right. That's okay.

That's all right. Did we make it?

I'll tell you, we'll let you know.

We'll call you at home.

Oh, you'll... Thanks.

All right. Well, thank you.

Thanks a lot, there. Okay.

Let's go, Lamont. Come on, Rodney.

Uh, you guys go on.

I got a couple of things to take care of.

I'll see you at home.

All right, I'll get the door.

Who you going to take care of?

Okay. All right.

Now, Marjorie McGlory.

Marjorie McGlory. That's you?

Okay, Marjorie, babe.

Here we go.

How are you doing? Good to see you.

♪ I feel the room is swaying ♪

♪ And the band's playing, yes ♪

♪ Some of our old Favorite songs ♪

♪ From way back when ♪

♪ So ♪ Take my rap, fellas ♪

♪ Find Pops A very good lap, yes ♪

♪ Bop, bop, bop, boozit, yes ♪

♪ Bop zeeda ♪

♪ Bop boozay ♪

♪ Bop boozit, bop boozit ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪

Uh, how do you do, young lady?

I would like to apply for an audition,

and the name is Gordon.

Raymond C. Gordon.

Uh, what do you do?

It all.

I do it all.

Hi. How did it go?

I don't know.

They're going to call us and let us know if we made it.

Well, good. Where's Rodney?

Oh, probably where he's needed.

Nowhere.

Got it. Got it.

Got it.

Hello?

This is Fred G. Sanford.

Yes, Mr. Barris.

How are you? Good.

I'm fine, thank you.

How are you? Good.

How did we do today? Did you like us?

Good. Uh, how are you?

Good.

What can I do for you?

We can? We did?

We will?

We sure will. Thank you.

Thank you. How are you?

Good.

Goodbye.

Son, we made it.

All right! We made it!

Congratulations!

We're going to be on the show.

We're going to be on The Gong Show.

Ah! Yeah, son, we made it.

We did it, son.

We're going to be on my favorite show,

and I know we're going to win that $516.32.

Whee!

Hello?

Hey, Rodney.

Guess who called?

Wait a second. Don't tell me.

I'll get it.

Chuck Barris.

No.

Not no. Yes!

Hey, that's terrific, Fred.

With all of the excitement, I'm starving.

Oh. Me too.

I'm hungry myself. Come on.

I'll fix you something to eat.

Okay. Rodney?

No, thanks, Donna.

I'll have some neck bone.

Yeah, some black-eyed peas.

Hello?

Hello. I'd like to talk to Chuck Barris, please.

Hello, Mr. Barris.

This is Raymond C. Gordon.

I did?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Uh, Mr. Barris, by chance,

am I on the same show

with Sanford and son and Rodney?

I am?

Oh!

Hey, Lamont, help me move this rug and couch.

For what?

For what? For rehearsing, dummy.

We don't want to get gonged, do we?

All right.

Hey, Rodney, get in here.

I promise you I'll have your $500 for you

at the end of the week.

I promise.

Hey, Rodney, get in here

and help us with this couch and rug.

Hey, that's just a job for two guys.

You and Lamont can handle that.

Now, don't worry about it.

Shame on me. No!

If that's a job for two,

then Lamont and I can do it.

Hey, I got my problem solved.

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, Fred!

I'm coming to help you with the couch and the rug.

Get that end of the couch there.

Okay. You ready, Lamont?

Here we go.

One, two, three.

What happened?

Oh, my back!

My foot! Oh, my f... Ow!

What happened?

I think he hurt his back, his foot and his throat.

Well, Donna, how is he?

Well, he seems fine,

but he obviously isn't.

I didn't see a bruise on his foot

and yet he says it's very painful.

Now, the back condition is impossible to see.

And while his throat isn't red,

he must have hurt it, because he can't speak.

Well, that's it for The Gong Show.

Five hundred and sixteen dollars

right down the toilet.

Hey, that's too bad, Fred,

because I think Sanford and son and Rodney

had a chance.

Had?

Yeah, had.

Had? Had.

Bubba, do you know that song

"Exactly Like You"?

Oh, Fred.

Giddyup, Bubba.

Giddyup!

I'm sorry.

That's it for Charlie Edwards and his teapot.

And now another group from Los Angeles.

Here they come.

Sanford and son and Rodney.

You can't take...

♪ I know why I've waited ♪ Yeah.

♪ Know why I've been blue ♪ Yeah.

♪ Prayed each night For someone ♪

Uh-huh.

♪ Exactly like you ♪ Yeah.

♪ Why should we spend money ♪ Uh-huh.

♪ On a show or two? ♪ That's right.

♪ No one does Those love scenes ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪

♪ You make me feel so grand ♪

♪ I want to hand The world to you ♪

♪ You seem to understand ♪ Uh-huh.

♪ Each foolish little dream I'm dreaming ♪

♪ Scheme I'm scheming ♪ Yeah.

♪ Now I know why Mother ♪ Yeah.

♪ Taught me to be true ♪ Yeah.

♪ She meant me for someone ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪

Get it, Bubba!

Get it, Bubba!

♪ One thing's certain You can bet your boots ♪

♪ No more will I be through ♪

♪ After all, baby ♪

♪ I got a girl ♪

♪ Just like you ♪

♪ One more thing ♪

Hey!

Yeah, Lamont!

Yeah!

♪ Now I know why Mother ♪

♪ Taught me to be true ♪

♪ She meant me for someone ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪

♪ Exactly ♪

♪ Exactly ♪

♪ Exactly ♪

♪ Like you ♪♪

Hey!

All right, let's find out what our celebrities think

about Sanford and son and Rodney.

And first we'll start out with celebrity one.

I give them a 6.

Okay, we have a 6.

Now let's move right along. That's a 6.

Now we'll go to Milton. Milton, what do you think?

Chuck, I gave them an 8.

An 8.

I gave them 3 for the fat one,

three for the good-looking one,

and 2 for the one with the weird legs.

Right.

All right, now celebrity number three, Al.

Well, I... I hated it all.

But it did make me forget my root canal.

Seven.

Seven. That gives that act 21 points.

Now, that's great.

OK, now, you are now the leaders.

And if you wait off-stage,

we'll find out if you'll be the winners.

Now, the only one that can beat you

is the next guest,

and that is Raymond C. Gordon.

Yeah!

♪ Be my love ♪

♪ For no one else can end ♪

♪ This yearning ♪

♪ This need ♪

♪ That you and you alone ♪

♪ Create ♪

♪ Just fill my arms ♪

♪ The way you fill my dreams ♪

♪ The dreams that you inspire ♪

♪ With every sweet desire ♪

♪ Be my love ♪♪

Well?

Well, there's no question about it.

The bruise on his foot is definitely there.

Doctor?

Well, just keep him in bed for two weeks

and that back will be okay.

Two weeks?

Well, at least he can't talk.

Well, this is the strangest case of sore throat

that I've ever seen.

It's almost as if he had been, uh, strangled.

He's... He's lucky he was alive.

If the panel hadn't thought

we were all part of the same act

when I jumped on him, I would have killed him.

I'll show you out, Dr. Davis.

This way, please.

Yeah, Doc, this way. Come on.

Thank you for coming, doctor.

Well, $500 divided four ways

less three doctor bills

doesn't come to much.

Why did he do it?

Well, he wanted to win the whole $500

so he could pay off his bookie, Donna.

Oh, my goodness.

That poor man, laid up in his room for two weeks

and not able to talk.

Don't worry. We'll be able to communicate.

How?

I told him anything he wants,

just flush twice and call me in the morning.