All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S03E10_English

[imitates Candace's voice]
Hello, this is

Candace von Weber.

I'd like to make a reservation
for jury duty.

Voiceover: This season on
Odd Mom Out.

- What are the odds of
getting sequestered?

- You have no idea what
I've been through.

- I am the founder
and She-E-O

of one of the fastest growing
retail brands in the country.

- It's not like you're
Louis Vuitton getting

knocked off and sold on
every street corner.

- What, did you make
like a dentist

and gun down Mufasa?

- What happens on
safari, stays on safari.

- I am capable of a lot more
than you think.

It's time you started to
recognize that.

- Devon, consider yourself
relieved of all duties.

- Brooke.

- I saw one of your bags on
the street today in pink.

- Oh we don't do pastels.
It's a knock off.

- Are you talking about
an IPO?

- Oh, the first rule of
going public is

you don't talk about it
in public.

- That weekend dadisaur is
about to go extinct.

- You should go rescue him.

- Crap!

I don't date dads.

- Tucker is my grandson.

- Mom, all the girls shave.

- Take your time.

Don't just go with the flow.

Wait, you didn't get your
period, did you?

- No.

But Remy and Molly have.

- What?!

- So what exactly is happening
at the temple tomorrow night?

- Okay, so basically
they call the kids up

and then give them
their B'nei Mitzvah dates.

And then the parents
scramble to book

the nicest party venues
and the kids

race to look up
their Torah portion.

- Aren't they all
the same?

- That's like saying all
Spielberg

movies are the same.

- Okay, um,
what was yours?

- Instructions on how to
clean a post-coital penis.

- Why is that even
an option?

- Imagine a 13-year-old me
chanting that.

- What are you guys
talking about?

- Nothing!
- Nothing.

- What's up, sweetie?

- I was wondering
if you wanted to

shoot some hoops
this weekend.

- I would love it!

- Cool. Love you guys.

- Our little girl is
maturing so nicely.

- [screaming] Mom!

Dottie's wearing my
Butter sweatshirt!

Tell that hairy butthole
to take it off

or I'm electrocuting
her favorite doll!

- Psycho.

[theme music]
* Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine
I'm feeling fine *

- Hazel's mood swings are
more extreme

than that
pirate ship ride.

She goes from
Lil Orphan Annie

to Linda Blair
in 15 seconds.

- Yet you question my
decision not to

become a parent.

- Looks like you might go
straight to grandparent.

How's it going
with hot Pawpaw?

- He's fun, confident and
a champ in the sack.

- You're not worried he's
gonna break his hip

while you're shtupping?

- Jill! He's not that old.

I don't think.

- Are you gonna
bring him tonight

to celebrate Hazel's
bat mitzvah date?

Or is 6:30 too late
for him to eat?

- Eating early is better
for the digestion.

Can I have your potatoes if
you're not going to?

- Go to town, I'm too
nervous to eat.

This is the most me thing
I've worked on in so long.

And if it gets rejected,
it will suck balls.

- Okay tell me
what it is!

I tell you everything,
even work stuff

I'm legally and ethically
barred from sharing.

- Remember those Peeps
dioramas I used to make?

- Oh my God I loved those.

My favorite was the S&M one
after our jaunt to The Vault.

With that one Peep
fetishizing another's foot.

- Even though they
don't have feet?

- That's what made it
so brilliant!

When did you start
making those again?

Ah! Peep Navarro.

You can even tell how
hung over I am.

- I'm pitching Rawling House
a coffee table book

of my Peep tableaux
to satirize

the crazy shit in my life.

- Amazing! Channel Ollie
in your pitch

and you'll definitely
sell it.

Hmm, Brazilian.
Bold move, Peep.

- I depict situations

that have come to
be thought of as "normal."

But by holding up a fun house
mirror to them,

I'm able to expose
them for how truly

ridiculous they are.

- Why Peeps?

- Sugar has a long tradition
of being used

as an artistic medium.

- Does it?

- No, really.

In 1600, Maria de
Medici was supposed to

marry Henri IV, but he was
off fighting a war.

So they commissioned
local sculptors

to create a sugar statue
of the King

to stand in his
place at the altar.

- While I'm impressed you
memorized

that delightful anecdote,

I'm struggling to see how
it relates to your work.

- Well back then sugar was
a luxury item.

So Its use in art was a
flagrant display of wealth.

By using Peeps I'm
employing a symbol

of the everyman to comment

on the lifestyle
of today's rich.

- I'll be in touch.

- Uh, do you want me to
keep my portfolio since

Rupert wasn't able
to attend?

- I'm sure one image will
give him a complete picture.

- Okay, thanks.

Honestly I feel really great
about the work

and the way that
I pitched it.

Eff that naysaying
gatekeeper

if she doesn't get it.

I'm on such a high.

- That's great, honey.

- What are you eating?

- Leftover Thai.

I couldn't stop thinking
about the Pad See Ew.

- You're home right now?

Don't go anywhere.

- Who buys books anymore?
That's my con-

- Devon! Hi.

- [stutters] Jill, hi, what-
what are you doing here?

- Um, realizing or crushing
my dreams, not sure yet.

Do you work here now?

- Not exactly.
- Okay, well good to see you.

- Yeah, you too!

- Brooke!
- Brooke!

- Dan, Doyle.

So, how are we pacing?

- This has honestly been
the least stressful

quiet period we've had.

- The SEC said your books
were cleaner-

- Than a street corner
in Singapore.

- Are you ready to pick
your stock ticker?

- Are you kidding?

This is the happy place
I go to

when I'm forced
to be with the children.

I want V-O-N.

- Taken. Velocity Omega
National.

- B-VON?
- Bank of Vanuatu.

- VON-W?
- Venezuelan Oil Now.

- Well what do
you suggest?

- W-E-B-R.

- I was really hoping to
get the Von in there.

- How about V-O-N-Z?

- It's like the Fonz
but with a V.

- VONZ.
Yeah, I like it.

Let's do this!

- Don't make waves for
five more days

and the next time
we see you--

- You'll be ringing the
opening bell

of the New York
Stock Exchange.

[all] To VONZ!

- Nooners are
so underrated.

No one's tired and it's
supposed to end quickly.

- Yeah, this feels good.

Lex has come
to his senses,

the kids are mostly okay,

you and I are
back on track.

- Watch, now something
terrible is going happen.

- Why do you
always do that?

- What? Poop
on your rainbow?

- Why is it so hard for you
when things are going well?

- History has shown that
the Jews are always

two rugelach away
from persecution.

- Regardless, thank you

for the very
unexpected encounter.

- Oh! That reminds me.

I forgot to text Brooke I
ran into her old assistant,

Devon, at the publisher's.

Oh shit!

Six missed calls from
Hazel's school.

Did they call you?

- No.

- I turned off my ringer
for the meeting

and I forgot to turn
it back on.

- Relax honey.
They probably just

want you to stuff
envelopes for the benefit.

- Hi, this is Jill Weber,
Hazel's mom.

Do you need me
to come get her?

She did? No, no,
my mother's in Palm Springs.

My mother-in-law.

Well, why didn't you call
my husband?

Oh I see, okay.
Thank you.

- Is she okay?

- Hazel just got
her period.

[lively music]

- Hazel, honey.
How are you feeling?

I am so sorry
that I wasn't there.

- It's no big deal, Mom.

Nemo didn't have a mother
and he did just fine.

- We bought her
a new ensemble

and went for bellinis.

- Thank you for being
there, Mother.

We'll see you
at the party?

- Yes. And, Jill, I know
I've made what's perceived

to be mistakes
in the past

by not asking permission,
so might I add

a few adornments
to tonight's dinner?

- Well-

- I was recently
sequestered for 41 days.

That's one day longer than
Jesus lasted, Jill.

Humor me?

That would be lovely,
Candace,

and thank you
for asking.

- I'm going to make it
extra festive

for our little woman here.

- Thank you, Candace.
Love you.

- See you tonight!

- Come on, sweetheart.

[phone rings]

- Brooke von Weber.

- Yeah, I'm a producer from
the Wendy Williams Show?

Is it true
your company-

- Sorry, but I'm not at
liberty to say at this time.

- Ma'am, I'm
trying to give you

an opportunity to
tell your side-

- Sir, I appreciate your
interest in Von Weber,

but my official comment is,
"no comment."

Ugh, the press is
clamoring for my story.

I can't wait until I can
officially give them one.

- Scaly, pustulant skin
lesions

isn't the worst
Torah portion.

- Can we not.

- It could have
been sodomy.

- Jill!

- What is wrong
with you?!

- FML.

- Why don't you go pick up
the twins and go home.

I'll deal with
Maleficent.

- Good luck.

- I got mine when
I was thirteen.

- [groans]

- Pop pop and I
were going out

for a daddy
daughter date.

I got all decked out in my
Naf naf skirt and neon socks

and as many black
rubber bracelets

I could get my hands on.

We went for Peking Duck

and then he took me to
Forbidden Broadway.

And then halfway through the
Fiddler on the Roof spoof,

I felt Niagara Falls
in my undies.

During intermission
I went to the bathroom.

And my Calvins looked like
Butcher Lazar Wolf's apron.

I knew what it was but
I didn't know what to do!

So I put a quarter
in the machine

and I got a pad
the size of California.

And we went back
for Act 2.

And then afterwards,
we were walking

down the street on
a theater high

and all of the sudden,
my pad falls out

sunny side up
on 60th and Third.

I didn't know you had to
remove the adhesive strip

thingy before sticking it
in your underwear.

- That's the worst
story I've ever heard.

- See? Getting your period
during Russian Literature

at an all girl's school
is no biggie.

- It was a lot more
traumatic than that, Mom.

You'd know that if you'd
actually been there.

[pleasurable moans]

- You're breathing heavy.

- I'm working hard.

- Here, let me
get on top.

- I got this.

- 187 BPM.

- Wh- what are you doing?
- Nothing.

- Wait- is there
a problem?

- You were just exhibiting
signs of hypertension.

Overexertion for
someone your age-

- My age? I work out
everyday

and I eat way
healthier than you.

- Men over 55 are at greater
risk for heart disease than-

- There's some lube
in the night table

if you want to check
my prostate.

Otherwise let's leave the
doctor bag at the door.

- Sorry.

[climactic moans]

- Dean? Dean! Dean!
Dean! Siri, call 911!

No f---!

[hysterical laughing]

- Are you effing kidding
me?

- You called me old so-

- Now I'll call you old
and an asshole.

- Oh.

- I totally ruined
my uniform.

- That's why God made
Clorox 2 Stain Remover, Hazel.

- Ugh, it's all so gross.

- That is what the
patriarchy would have

you to believe,
when in fact

it is completely natural.

- So is animals eating
their young.

- Good point.

Jesus, there are
so many options!

I thought it was
just pads n' pons.

But now there's
organic plungers,

and latex shot glasses,

and this washable
underwear.

I'm actually gonna get us
a couple of these.

- I wanted it so badly
but now that it's here

I just want it
to go away.

- Oh Hazey.

[singing
* Spotting, clotting,
moody, broody *

* You're down
in the dumps *

* and you feel
like doody *

* Your zits will spring

* Your cramps will blow

* You'll have raging
hormones *

* and a tummy like dough

* Medusa, Madea, and
Lady Macbeth *

* Probs had PMS worse
than death *

* Go with the flow
Go with the flow *

* Your boobies get tender

* And your skin's
a shitshow *

* Your sanity's atl
its border *

* Your sheets will look
like Law and Order *

* The diva cup
The cotton rocket *

* Shove a vampire teabag
in your lady socket *

* Go with the flow
Go with the flow *

* It's every woman's
problem *

* From a queen to a ho

* And so, my sweet

* Get a
chocolatey treat *

* And go with
the flow *

- You feel like this
once a month

and you still do
everything you do?

- I never get any credit.

Welcome to womanhood.

[phone rings]

It's Olivia from
Rawling House.

I'm just gonna call her
back tomorrow.

- Kylie Jenner lip kits
don't pay for themselves, Mom.

Take the call.

- Hi, this is Jill.

- What's happening?

- The boss wants to see
more photos...tonight.

I'm sorry I can't
do tonight.

Do you have any time
tomorrow or next week?

- Don't be crazy.
Invite him over.

- [whispering]
Are you sure?

Actually If he likes Sancerre
he's welcome to come over.

Okay, thank you.

[phone rings]

- Thank you.
Tonight will be super fun

and low key.
I promise.

[all] Surprise!

[quirky tune]

- Welcome to your
Menarche Party!

Bloody Mary's anyone?

- Honey, I tried to
warn you.

- I'm so sorry.

Candace never should
have done this.

- What are your granny
panties in about, darling?

I asked.

- This...is actually insane!

- Oh I knew you'd love it.

I wonder when our cycles
are gonna sync up?

- How is this my life?

[intercom buzzes]

- That must be Dean.

He's the only one who's
not here yet.

- Not Dean.
He's dead to me.

- Hello?

- It's Rupert from
Rawling House.

- We have one minute to give
this place a hysterectomy.

Quick!

- Don't just stand there,
hide everything!

[doorbell rings]

- I can't watch.

- I hope he likes fallopian tube
pasta Pomodoro.

Hi, I'm Jill.

Welcome to my
reproductive system.

- A Menses Mojito for you.

- I had no idea an in
person meeting

would be quite so personal.

- Neither did I.

Would you like
to peep my Peeps?

- Your work has the
commentary of high art

but the aesthetic
of low.

How do you classify it?

- Well, I could just as
easily see it next to a

Limited Edition Taschen
at Rizzoli

as a Grumpy Cat Holiday special
at Urban Outfitters.

- Clever.

Is that Brooke
von Weber?

- Oh yes. This is my
sister-in-law.

- Enchante.

- Oh look at the time, I
really should be going.

- Oh, we're just about to
cut the cake.

- Thanks, but I've got a
plane to catch.

- Well that got weird.

- In his defense, it
started out pretty weird.

- True. Ugh, I really
wanted that book deal.

- I've got the perfect
cure for our disappointments.

Get a broom and we'll
Whack-A-Womb!

[upbeat rock music]

- Turn around.
- Oh God!

- Woo!
- Ah!

- You got this!

. Think of all the cramps
in college!

[cheerful whoops]

- Nice shot.

- Thanks, I was picturing this
guy I used to date.

- I'm sorry about before.

But if anyone should
understand that health

has nothing to do with
age, it's an ER doctor.

You know firsthand that
I could be 56 or 6

walking down the street and
struck by a falling crane.

- Oh well I wish
you would.

- You wouldn't be
so bothered by something

happening to me if
you didn't actually like me.

- Shit. That's some old,
asshole wisdom

you just dropped
on me.

- Hey, I don't believe
we've met.

- Hands off.
He's mine.

- [laughs]
Okay.

- The next heart attack you
have better be real.

- Darryl just texted
to turn on Wendy Williams.

Apparently they're doing a
segment on Von Weber.

- Being in the spotlight
before going public

can be a threat to the IPO.

But any press is
good press, right?

- Oh sure, Babe.

- Von Weber: the label on
the arms of supermodels

and lips of rappers.

A name synonymous with
luxury and philanthropy.

[phone rings]

- It's the guy from
Rawling House.

- Or is it?

My first guest spent six
years living a seemingly

charmed life working
for the woman who

started it all.

And he's got a new book in
which he reveals

that his dream job
was as glamorous

as a hemorrhoid.

Please give it up for Devon
de la Croix, the author

of the scandalous tell-
all, "Weber of Lies."

[audience applause]

- Oh God.

- I didn't know Devon had a
last name.

- I'm going to be sick.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yas, fabulous!

So Devon, what made you
decide to write this book?

- For years I didn't
want to talk about my

time with Brooke Weber
but everyone kept asking

- me about it so.
- Okay, hold up.

- You just said,
"Brooke Weber".

Where's the "von"?

- Well, Brooke will say
it was

[all] restored

- but gimme a 65 dollar
cashier's check

and an hour
in Civil Court

and I can make you
Wendy von Williams.

[audience laughs]

What?!
Wendy von Williams?

Yes, what do you think?

- You ungrateful weasel.

- Yas!

- I will destroy him.

- If he doesn't destroy
you first.

- You have that friend who's in
a horrible relationship

and bitches about it,
but doesn't ever leave?

- Russ, yes.

- [sobbing]
That was me.

You know, Brooke
doesn't like anyone

and when she laughs
at your joke

or lets you in on a secret,
it makes you feel special.

- Did she let you in
on any big secrets?

- Enough to fill a
327-page book.

- Spill it.

- Well, someone told
Brooke her company

wasn't truly successful
because she wasn't

getting knocked off.

So Brooke asked me
to research

where bags could be
made on the cheap.

- Hold on. Are
you insinuating

Brooke Weber is manufacturing
her own knockoffs?

- Well, you'll have to
read the book,

but don't be
surprised if there's

a sweatshop in Mexico
with 6-year-olds

sewing VW emblems
onto saddlebags.

- That is so not right.

And that's just
the tip of the iceberg!

When we get back, the
story behind this picture

of the mother-in-law on a
recent safari in Asia.

And the deets on her husband,
the astro-

[both] Not!

- Grab a snack
and come on back.

[cell phones ring]

[text message pings]

- Is this all true?

- Okay, I'll draft a cease
and desist letter for Devon,

then we'll sue the pants off
of Rawling House for libel.

- I'm calling the
liquor store.

- Rawling House
bought my book!

Let's get this
period party started!

What?

- There's no hiding,
Jill. The secret's out.

- Candace,
I am so sorry.

I had no idea that you
would be picked

let alone sequestered!

- I-
- Jill.

- What secret were you guys
talking about?

- For more Odd Mom Out,

go to bravotv.com.