All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S03E07_English-en

- Ahh, orgasmatron.

This is just the kind
of pampering I needed

after UTH kicked my ath.

- And whipped it, slapped
it, pickled it.

It was like
50 Shades of Spa.

- Now I'll be all preened
and polished

as I descend into Hades
for my job.

- Yeah, I don't know how I feel
about that shoot, Jill.

Actually, that's
not true.

I don't have a good feeling.

- It's a national campaign!

- For Brooke.

- For myself!

I still can't believe
she asked me.

What's the worst thing
that could happen?

- Oh, she throws you
in a hole

and asks you to rub
lotion on its skin.

- I hadn't thought of that.

Woman: Four manicures,
please.

Oh, hey Jill.

- Hey guys.

- What part of your life
did this crew crawl out of?

- [whispering] They're moms
in Hazel's class.

- So, how are things
[coughs] downtown?

- Lila, I'm in agony.
- Me too.

This box is on fire.

Move over Alicia Keys.

- What time is your shoot?
- Shh.

- I went to
Clyde's and Pasteur.

There's no Monistat left
on the shelves.

It's like there's a run on it.

- If men had vageens,
Mom-istat would be

in hand pumps in public
bathrooms across the country.

- Seriously.

- Lulu, Margaret, do you
guys have it too?

- Are we on the
same cycle?

Is there a cycle for
yeast infections?

- I don't think so.

I had my fair share of
critch in college,

but it was never
this bad.

I almost molested my
desktop cactus.

And I can't so much as
look at cottage cheese.

- Something's rotten and I'm
gonna crack it wide open.

[theme music]
* Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine
I'm feeling fine *

- Jill, I'd like to do a quick
walk-through of the line.

- Sure!

- Since my life-altering
trip to India,

I've only been able to
think about two things:

tabletop and housewares.

I need these jewel
tones to be vibrant.

- Well styling opposing
hues together

will really make them pop
in the photos.

- Perfect. Diana Vreeland
once said,

"Pink is the navy blue of
India," and it's true.

Now, more than ever.

- So I was expecting some
more animal prints.

Didn't you guys see like
tigers and elephants

and shit on your
East Asian safari?

- What happens on safari
stays on safari.

- What, did you make like a
dentist and gun down Mufasa?

- Oh!

[Indian-style music]

So here we have a tasseled
throw pillow

and a sequin-rimmed
bolster.

Great, right?

Ugh, and I love
this doormat.

Over here are
Hindu-inspired steak knives.

They have uh, leather
sheath and handle.

Feel. Don't you just
love their girth?

- I'm pretty sure steak
is verboten?

- Oh, and this is a Taj Mahal
dog bed. Cute.

And these are some
serving trays.

These are coasters here and-

- Whoa, whoa!
- Here we have-

- Brooke, Von Weber
cannot sell objects

that have
swastikas on them.

- They're Devanagari.

It's the Indian symbol
for Luck.

They're the good
kind of swastika.

- It's not cholesterol.

There is no "good
kind" of swastika.

- Girls, Jill is vetoing
the trays.

- The swastikas?

Oh, come now.

The design isn't even
that big.

At worst, they're just
a little Nazi.

- The phrase, "little Nazi,"
only makes sense

if it's referring to
Hitler youth.

- Okay, fine.
They're killed.

- Thank you.
Okay, let's start.

So I'm picturing these Vishnu
and Shiva salt and pepper

shakers with the
sapphire placemats.

Why don't you guys set those?

- You're finally ready.

- Well I've been prepping
all week.

- No, I mean, at this point
in your career.

I couldn't lift you
up before

because I couldn't reach
down that low.

You had to climb.

- Thank you?

[energetic rock music]

[phone ringing]

- If this isn't about the
itch sitch, I can't talk.

- Well I have two more cases:
Parker and Simone!

- So it's a larger population
in the affected hot zone

than we thought.

- No, that's the thing!

They're not moms at
Hazel's school.

They're at Nightingale and
Sacred Heart.

- Ah! A new locus of
infection!

I smell an epidemic.

- Where are Dustin Hoffman
and Rene Russo

in full-on hazmat suits?

We need to find
that monkey.

- Slow down.

First I need to make
an accurate diagnosis,

and since I can't examine
these women,

I need you to
collect more data.

- Okay, I'll just zip over
to Duane Reade

and pick up a speculum.

- Is the discharge white
and chunky?

Or colorless and frothy?

- [gags] Chunder
mid-espohagus and rising.

- I need to determine if the
infection is yeast or bacterial.

- I'm hanging up.

- At least tell me if it
smells like

a clam chowder bread bowl
when you walk by!

- Ew. Bye!

[uplifting music]

- Welcome, recruit von Weber.

- Wait, hold on.

Let's take a selfie.

You ready?
- Mmm-hmm.

[phone camera clicks]

[zipping and velcro ripping]

[upbeat music]

Instructor: Over the course
of the next two days,

we will test your
abilities in engineering,

navigation,

native landscape
awareness

and fitness.

The trip to Mars will take an
extreme toll on your body.

So only those in peak physical
and mental condition

will make the cut.

Do you have what it takes?

[camera flash clicking]

- You know what Todd, I think
we need to take this strobe

down a stop. Thank you.

All right, let's take
the hand mirror,

the letter opener with the paper
weights on a lucite cube

with the linens fanned
out underneath.

- Jill. I say this with all
due respect,

but you do what you do,
and let us do what we do.

- What is it that
you do?

- This is our jurisdiction.

- Simone, it's a product
shoot, not a murder case.

- Not yet.

- How's it going?

- Great, this place is

a photographer's
wet dream.

- Booking it was the last
good thing

that asshole Devon did before I
was forced to fire him.

- Have you heard
from him at all?

- Not a peep.

He's probably back
to steaming sweater sets

at Ann Taylor Loft.

I don't miss him.

- Thanks for coming down to
the Village, Mother.

- Well, I love the
Village, but I most certainly

don't understand the appeal
of this restaurant.

- Oh, it's fun!

We take the kids
here all the time.

- Why would I pay if I
have to cook my own food?

- I'll cook the food,
how about that?

- All right, fine.
Now the reason I wanted

to meet is that I'm very
concerned about Alexander

and his looming failure
as a martian.

- What do you mean?

- MarsX is looking for
experts.

The only thing Lex has put
10,000 hours into

is manscaping.

- With all due respect,
Mother,

Lex has achieved
extraordinary success

with no discernible skill set.

- Well, I don't think he's
going to be able to

charm his way onto
that rocket.

And as his mother, I cannot
be expected to comfort him

when he's rejected.

So you're just going
to have to

step up and Swiffer
the mess.

- Andy Weber, the man,
the myth, the legend!

- Hey, how's it going,
Spencer?

- Epic Dads' Night, buddy.

Thanks for introducing
me to that wine place.

I'm taking these guys
there tonight

to celebrate our new
Kyoto deal.

Leader-ship!

- Dads' Night?

- It was a big success.

- Anderson, have I taught
you nothing?

You can never do too
good a job

or they'll expect you
to keep doing it.

You have to do the bare
minimum in life.

- First up,the sliced
Kobe beef.

Give that a good sear for thirty
seconds before flipping.

- Gotcha, thanks very much!

- And my boss would
kill me

if he knew I was
saying this,

but I love the way
you present!

You are serving silver-screen
realness today!

Extra fishy, Candy Ass!

- What the hell did he
just say?

- I don't know.

- Does this perfume smell
fishy to you?

[disco music]

[horror tune]

- I know what's plagueing the
Upper East Side.

All of these moms have
strepgina!

- So you're saying all these
ladies have strep throat

but in their vagina?

- Indeed.

- I've never heard
of that.

Is it common?

- Individual cases are not
uncommon,

but an outbreak is.

We've got to figure out

what's linking these
women together.

- Maybe it's those
gel seats at spin class?

Those always felt gross
to me.

- No, it has to be
direct contact

and they're not
riding naked.

Unless there's a new theme
ride at SoulWheelz

that I don't
want to know about.

- What about a
waxing salon?

- Talk to me.

- I read about this place in
Queens that got busted

for not using linen
strips and instead

they just the put
the hairy wax back

in the melter thingy
between clients.

- Ew.

- It can't be that.

These bitches don't
go to Queens

unless they have to
fly commercial.

- Obviously, the most
common way

for this to proliferate
is sex.

So either these ladies are all
scissoring each other-

- Not a chance.

- Or they got eaten out by
the same guy.

What man could chow that
much box

and with strep throat?

What about that hot
Columbian spacialist

who organized your closet?

Didn't you tell me boned
half his clients?

- He got deported.

- Dottie's Homework
Resistance teacher?

- Katie Garner who recommended
him hates sex.

She drunkenly confided in me
once that she

only sleeps with her husband
on their anniversary.

- When was that?
Open your Facebook.

- Two weeks ago!

- Blow up the picture.

- He's 80.
He's not Patient Zero.

- Hey ladies.
- Hey.

- How's it uh...going?

- No, but maybe all
of the women

slept with their
own husbands-

- And?

- And the husbands all
have strep dick!

[creepy tunes]

- God.

- Recruits. Your time
starts now.

[inspirational tune]

[Lex reading]
Explain the scientific process

of extracting water
from Martian soil.

[scoffs]

Label each part

of this liquid propellant
rocket engine

with a gas pressure
feed system.

What the?

What is the exact
distance between

[mispronounces]
Schiaparelli Crater

and Olympus Mons?

[scoffs]

[mid-tempo music]

[Lex thinking]
"A" ambitious!

"L" Lex. Loyal.

"E" easy, elite.

"X"

I'll come back to it.

"A" ambitio- no.
Already used that.

Adaptable.

"N" nice.

"D" dashing, debonair, um,
dad-icated.

"E" another "E".
Let's see, enthusiastic,

energetic, eager.
Eager!

"R" ripped.
Duh.

And...xylophone.

Boom!

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Candy Ass?

Looking fierce!

- I beg your pardon?

- We have tickets
to your show tomorrow.

- And where did you say I
was performing?

- At Hissy Fist!

- Right, right.
I'll see you there at-

- Ten!
Living!

- See you there!

[disco music]

- Is there a chance all
of these guys are swingers?

- No, I know them.

The only thing they'd
share are stock tips.

- Don't shoot me, but I
think I have to throw in

the hygienic towelette.

I need some sleep before day two
of Slumdog Tableware.

- No! We have to
Crockett and Tubbs this!

- We're out of the Malbec,
but give this a try.

- Thanks.

Is this that
Latvian Grenache?

I really don't know why
everyone's jizzing about it.

A patient sent me a bottle
as a thank you

and it's just meh.

- Got it from the
Dads' Night Out.

We had a wine tasting.

- Show me the website.

- Of what?

- The place you held the
wine tasting.

[gasps]

- What the hell?

- You look like how
my throat feels.

- There's no Monistat left
on the shelves.

- Two more cases.

- Do you guys have it too?

- Parker and Simone.

- I just need to run
this culture-

- And I can't so much as
look at

[distorted voice]
cottage cheese.

- Vanessa?

- I just had a
Keyser Soze flashback.

Any chance those
Latvian wine sommeliers

were tasting more
than tannins?

- You gotta check out
the Effervescent Room.

- You have headache?

I have cure.

- Best Dads' Night ever!

- Oh, no.
I'm Keyser Soze.

- You figured it out also?

- No, I'm just clumsy.

I'm on the Godfather day
of my period.

What are you guys
talking about?

- Those Latvian wine
sommeliers were escorts!

- The ringleader had
strep throat,

which is highly contagious.

If the dads got blowies
from her and her cohorts,

they would
get sick dick.

- But none of the dads have
said anything.

- Because men are
asymptomatic as carriers.

They wouldn't have known
they'd had it,

so they'd have sex
with their wives.

Et voila.

A Strepgina epidemic.

- You're a genius.

You're in deep shit.

- I swear, I didn't know!

Oh God, I'm the chimpanzee.

So I was thinking
that we should

swap out the
sari maybe for the

- coral?
- Coral. Yeah!

- Mind reader!

- No, I love a power clash,

but something
about this isn't working.

Look.

There we go.

Perfect.

- The collection's really
good, Brooke.

- Thank you. I can't wait
to revamp my website

with all your new
images.

Did I tell you?

We're going to have an
Arranged Marriage Registry.

- What do you mean?

- The couple doesn't pick
what they get,

it all just comes,
curated by me.

- Neat!

- Yeah.

- You've all done
incredible work,

which made this
round of cuts very difficult.

Some of you
prevailed physically.

Others mentally.

But we only have room for
those exquisite specimens

who excelled in both.

- God, I hope I get it.

- If I call your name,
step forward.

- Really hope I get it.

Bintu Conteh.

Nicholas Petrovich.

Benedict Baldauff.

Edward Chin.
Lisa Melodia.

Michael Arnold.
Nicole Sylvester.

- How many people
does he need?

Lilli Janney.
Keith Sauter.

Brian Ray.
Isabel Richardson.

Jan Jericho.

Front rows, thank you
for your efforts.

Back rows...
you're moving on.

- I got in.

- Congratulations,
Semifinalists.

Fifteen of you remain,

but there are only nine
jump seats on this

first historic manned
mission to Mars.

We'll see you
in a few weeks

when you will face your
final and ultimate test.

Emcee: Ladies and
Gentlemen

put your hands together for
Miss Candy Ass!

- Hello! You're too
good to me.

I am Candy Ass.
Miss Ass if you're nasty.

Where is my drink?

Hey honey, honey,
slow down, please.

The only people who should run
are children and thieves!

Where are you from hunty?

- The only people who should run
are children and thieves.

- I just spent a month
and a half sequestered

on a jury and let's just say
if you had been there

it would have been hung.

Trust me, they were 12
very happy men.

- We love you Candy Ass!

- Love you too, baby!

You got money?

Because I do not want
to be a nurse-

- or a purse.
- or a purse.

[cheers and applause]

So what did you think?

- You were wonderful.

- Thank you.

- Why didn't you
tell me?

- I didn't know how you
were gonna react.

- Well I loved it.
Truly.

- Phew.

- If you don't mind
my asking,

what made you do it?

- You inspired me.

When I got back from jury
duty to my real life

I felt like I was
missing something.

- What? Pam Tinkler's
acronyms?

- You're amazing.

And exactly what the
community needs right now.

You have the soul of RuPaul
with the body of Helen Mirren.

- Carlos, you know
a lot of men

have made me feel
a lot of different things.

But no one has made me
feel this spectacular

without being
seven inches deep.

- Eight inches.

- Well that's great that
you're proud of the shots.

- Yeah but I'm horrified by
her cultural appropriation:

a five-tiered serving tray she
called a Caste System?

- No.

- Well at least you
got along.

- Disturbingly well.

All right I gotta get
this bra off. BRB.

- What a week.

- Seriously!

I can't believe that
whole strepgina outbreak

was my fault!

Next time I'm just doing
an adult coloring event.

- It's okay, Andy.
You meant well.

You always do.

- Thanks Vanessa.

- And you know you
can confide in me.

- Okay.

- I can get you the help
you need.

- What?

- If one of those
Eastern Euro trash bags

spit-shined your
baseball bat.

- Are you insane?
No! No!

I did not let
anybody touch me.

- I am a doctor, so
thanks to HIPAA laws

I can't legally tell Jill.

- I don't have it!

- Jill, he didn't do it!

- I thought it was
confidential.

- Oh, nothing is confidential
between me and Jill.

For more Odd Mom Out,

go to bravotv.com.