All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S03E05_English

[Candace cackling]

Voiceover: Previously,
on Odd Mom Out.

- How long has she
been living with you?

- 525,600 migraines.

- You need to get her
on jury duty.

- Now you're talking.

- There's a 24 hour hotline
you can call to volunteer.

[imitating Candace's voice]

- This is Candace von Weber.

I'd like to make a
reservation for jury duty.

We usually go to my
mother-in-law, Candace's,

but she's sequestered
on that cruise murder jury.

- I love that trial.
- Me too.

The wife pushed
him overboard.

- Yes.

- I mean,
she's totally guilty.

- Totally.

- So aside from watching
Rachel Maddow

and weeping over the state
of the nation,

what else happens to you
this week?

- Ugh, Friday night is my
second least

favorite night of the year.

- Hospital Holiday Party?

- Santa-Con.

- Ugh! Wait, what's your
least favorite?

- St. Patty's Day.

Green vomit is way worse
than candy cane vomit.

[phones buzz]

- New York Times Alert.

- What did Trump do now?

- The verdict is in on the
Cruise Ship Murder.

- Oh my God!

- Nation shocked as
Marianna Gildersleeve

is found not guilty!

- This can't be happening!

- Right? She clearly pushed
her husband overboard.

- No, if the verdict is in,
that means Candace is...

[Both] Out!

[theme music]
* Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine
I'm feeling fine *

- Candace!

- Hello my darlings.

- Hello mother.

- Oh so good to see you.

- Someone's excited to
get gussied up again.

- Hi darling.
- Muah! Muah!

- We've missed you, mom.
- Hello.

- It must feel good to be
back in your everyday life.

- And your own apartment.

So, how are you doing?

- You have no idea what I
have been through.

It was unspeakable.

And it was nothing
short of savage.

I mean there are certain
things one can't unsee.

Unhear. Unsmell.

- I'm so sorry you
had to be exposed to

all those violent,
murderous details.

- I was referring to the
accomodations.

- Would you like
a cocktail?

- Yes, I'd like four
gin and tonics.

- Mother.

- Well, we weren't
allowed to drink!

- Whoa! You weren't allowed
to pound booze?

- Not a drop.

- Not even on the weekends?

- You remember
Juror Number Seven

was whisked away in
the ambulance?

- On the news they said,
"she literally couldn't even."

- She OD'ed on hand
sanitizer.

Apparently, the good stuff
is 120 proof.

- Oh my God, Candace.
I am so sorry.

I had no idea that there
were so many rules

for sequestered jurors.

- There I was, amongst
the great unwashed.

[heavy sigh]

- Settle down everyone
and we'll get started.

- Here, sit.

- Oh no, I couldn't.

- I insist.

- I've sat on a lot of
questionable things in my day,

but I 've got to draw
the line somewhere.

- S.O.P. for sequestered
jurors is simple:

no contact with the
outside world.

- What the heck is S.O.P.?

- Standard Operating
Procedure.

Please memorize it by E.O.D.

- What's E-
- End of Day.

- So no newspapers,
no phone calls,

no email, no internet.

- Wait, no internet
whatsoever?

- Nada.

- Not even Instagram?

How am I supposed to know
what Blue Ivy's eating

for brunch everyday?

- Rules are rules.

- So, it's just us communicating
with each other?

Like, with our mouths?

- For as long as it takes
to reach a verdict.

So, introductions are
in order.

I'll go first.

I'm Pam Tinkler, A.K.A.
Juror Number Four.

I work in H.R. and I'm mom to
three adorable Yorkie puppies

whose pictures I will
not show you

because I'm not here
to make friends,

I'm here to make justice.
Next?

- Uh, what's up everybody?

Um, I'm Scott Hittler, with two
"T"s, no relation.

I'm an actor.

- With that name?

- That's my legal name.

My stage name is
Scott Wayne Gacy.

- Big improvement.

- Recently did a half-day
on SVU, so, let's just say,

I'm quite familiar with the
criminal justice system.

Dun Dun.
You remember that?

Hargitay's a sweetheart,
by the way.

- Next?

- Ugh, it sounds so uncivilized.

- On the bright side,
you are part of history.

The entire nation
was riveted by that trial,

and you were there.

This is one of the
main reasons

I want to be among the first
to colonize Mars.

- Oh. You're not joking.

- I've got nine different
plants on my terrace

growing from my feces.

- Wait, you do?

- I can't get the potatoes to
seed because I think

I should start eating
gluten again.

- Anyway, it must have been
so exciting.

It was the trial of the century!
- Hm.

- I just don't know
how you could

acquit someone so
obviously guilty.

- Oh Brooke, you sound just
like the Prosecution.

- On April 27th, 2014,

Marianna and Tom Gildersleeve
embarked on what should have

been eight days and seven nights
of marital bliss aboard

The Brine and Dandy: a five
star floating hotel

with impeccable amenities and
tantalizing ports of call.

But the prosecution will show,
beyond reasonable doubt,

that the defendant had
only one thing in mind when

she booked those tickets.

Which she paid
for with his money.

She packed his
and her bags.

But Marianna wasn't there for
the 382 foot water slide.

She wasn't there for the
all-you-can-eat paella bar.

No! Marianna Gildersleeve
brought her husband

on that cruise for one thing
and one thing only...

Murder!

[courtroom gasps]

- No remorse.

No shame.

Candace: All right,
let's wrap this up.

All in favor of "not guilty"
raise your hand.

- As an actor, I have a keen
understanding of character.

Marianna was feeling
burned, desperate.

She knew her husband retained
the services of a lawyer.

- But surely you saw
the dopp kit?

- And if they divorced
she'd be broke as a yolk

because of that pre-nup.

- Her only way out of a life
of poverty-

[knocking]

- Order in the courtyard!

U.N.C.!
Under No Circumstances

are we to discuss the details
of the trial after hours!

We are here to deliberate
whether we're going to watch

Seabiscuit or Beethoven's 2nd
and take Steak & Shake orders.

Alyssa, should I put you down
for roast beef?

Third night in a row?

- It's only been three
nights?!

[terrified tones]

- Did you end up watching
Seabiscuit or Beethoven's 2nd?

Seabisuit is a classic

and Debi Mazar's got some real
zingers in Beethoven's 2nd.

- I went back to my room
just to find anything

to just have a like
a skosh of joy.

- Here's Captivating Cascade.
- Look at this.

- Oh boy.
- It's $300.

[remote control clicks]

Now I realize that's not like
rolling around

in the bottom
of my purse either but

for a necklace like this.
- Wow.

- That's it?
One channel?!

- This is all genuine
Mother of Pearl.

Now, holy smokes.
- Mmm-hmm.

- This is a very elevated
fabulous thing.

Now look at Sonja.

- Hello movie star.
- Hello gorgeous.

- Look at this necklace.

- It's just so elevated
and divine.

- According to your sworn
affidavit,

you were aboard the cruise ship
celebrating your honeymoon,

is that correct?

- Yes.

- Congratulations.

- That was three
years ago, but thank you.

- And on the night
in question-

- I wanted a beach
honeymoon,

but Joey wanted more
of a city experience,

so a cruise seemed
like the perfect compromise.

We could lounge poolside

in between exotic
destinations.

Plus, we both loved the idea
of going to a bunch of

different places but
without the hassle of

constantly packing and
unpacking, you know?

- And on the night in
question,

were you seated next to
Mr. and Mrs. Gildersleeve

on the fine-dining
concourse?

- We sure were.

My husband wanted to
sit next to this old couple

'cause their table
looked kind of empty,

but while we walking
over there,

I was like,
why is it empty?

Like did they have that musty,
skin flap, septuagenerian smell?

So we changed course to
Tom and Marianna's table-

- So how would you
characterize

the bahavior of
the Gildersleeves?

In fifteen words or less.

- Oh my God, they
were so cute and flirty.

Like, they straight up
canoodled their way

through the iceberg wedge and
the coconut shrimps-

- So, Mrs. Slutsky, what
caused Mr. Gildersleeve

to suddenly throw down his white
linen napkin and storm out?

- Meatballs.

- Meatballs?

- The dish was a trigger
for Tom Gildersleeve.

A red-sauced reminder of his
wife's torrid affair.

- But what do meatballs have
to do with an affair?

- The first Thursday of
every month

is Meatball Night at Nelio's.

That was the standing date for
Marianna Gildersleeve

and her illicit paramour,
Mike Bauer.

At a pre-determined time,

they would excuse
themselves from the table,

go have sex in the
bathroom while their spouses

sat clueless
in the dining room.

- Wait, this is huge!

How is this affair not
on the news?

- It was stricken from
the record.

- Why would they strike it?

It proves that Marianna
was a gold-digger

who wanted to
off her husband,

inherit his millions and then
run away with Mike Bauer!

- I bet the Defense objected
arguing that it wasn't relevant

and the judge agreed.

- Exactly.

- But, it's a motive
for murder!

- Yes, thank you.

- How do you not see that?

Are we living on Mars?

- No offense.

- None taken.
We will be soon.

- According to the woman
in the neighboring suite,

she heard Marianna
and her husband argueing.

But it didn't mean she was
a credible ear-witness.

[suspenseful tone]

- It was about 7:35pm.

I know because I
was watching The Wheel.

I heard a door slam and
some muffled voices.

And then I heard
a man's voice say

"I want a divorce."

- And you're sure
you heard him say,

"I want a divorce."

- As sure as buying a
vowel is a fool's move.

- Thank you, Ms. Popernick.

No further questions.

- Ms. Popernick,
have you ever had

your hearing checked by
a professional?

- Uh, no.

- Thanks. Bailiffs,
if you will?

Your Honor, I present
Exhibit 34-A.

[knocks]

Please listen to
the following phrase

and tell me what
you hear.

- I want a (muffled).

- I want a divorce.

From taperecorder:
I want the main course.

- Objection!

This bit of scenery
hardly duplicates

the conditions of
a crime scene.

- Your Honor, Exhibit 34-A
was built to scale

and used the actual materials
from a Brine and Dandy

stateroom suite, just...

like the
Gildersleeves-es.

- Overruled.

[scoffs]

- What's going on?

- Let's try this again.

It's fun, right?

[quirky music]

- I want a (muffled).

- I want a...divorce?

From taperecorder:
I want a seahorse.

[taperecorder crashes
and breaks]

- Wha-
Come on!

- No further questions,
your Honor.

- Is he allowed to do that?

[thump]
[people in courtroom gasp]

Offscreen: Is she okay?

- I love what you've
done with the place.

You know, this duvet
looks just like one I saw

last week on HSN.

- Imagine that.

- We're not allowed to have
unsupervised contact

with the outside world.

How'd you smuggle
all this in?

- Everybody has their
price, darling.

- Amazing!

When you sashay down
Madison Avenue,

I bet men run after you
like Cher at Gay Pride.

- Dear, the only people
who should run

are children and thieves.

- What I wouldn't do to walk
a mile in your shoes.

May I?

- You want to?

- [laughing]
I think

you'd really do better
in cone heels.

- With so many options,
how do you choose?

- What, men or heels?

- Both!

- When it comes to men
I only have one rule:

I refuse to be a
nurse or a purse.

- Do they carry compression
socks on HSN?

I'm starting to get
varicose veins

from sitting in that
jury box all day.

- What's in it for me?

- How about you hook me up with
stuff from the outside world

and I'll do your hair?

I run a salon I.R.L.
as Pam would say.

- All right, deal.

But if you keep
speaking like Pam,

you and your spider
veins are on your own.

- Rawr.

- Hi.

- You got the goods?

- Prescription painkillers,
forty milligrams each.

- Mmm.

Here we are.

Your 3-in-1 Roaster, Smoker,
Grill with a recipe book.

- Bless you!

- Nothing like the smell
of a good Montecristo.

How'd you come by these?

- I had a bit part on Narcos.

The Prop Assist had
a crush on me.

- Thank you, from
the bottom of my core.

- Okay.

[phone rings]

- Oh, excsuse me.
Apologies.

- Oh, Brooke!

I saw one of your bags on
the street today in pink.

- Oh, we don't do pastels,
it's a knockoff.

The city is crawling
with them.

- Who do I have to sue?

- Oh, it's just what happens

when you reach a certain
level of success.

- Hi!
What's happening?

- This dinner is taking longer
than the deliberation.

- Have you gotten any
juicy deets?

- Only stuff that makes me
even more convinced

that Marianna is guilty!

- So how the hell
did they let her walk?

Did the jury actually buy
the Filthy Sheets Defense?

- We're not even
there yet!

But honestly?

If Candace led the charge in
letting this Black Widow

go free and she kills again?

That's blood on our hands.

- This is why mere mortals
shouldn't mess with fate.

- Uh, as a doctor, isn't that
what you do on a daily basis?

- Uh, excuse me, Compound
Fracture Santa,

you can't pee there.

You either,
Bloody Nose Santa.

Okay, I gotta go.

- Sorry, look.

I feel like we're talking
about the OJ Trial

and avoiding the glove.

Let's get to the good shit!

- Filthy Sheets!

- Flithy Sheets!
- Filthy Sheets!

- Okay, okay.
Simmer down.

After the couple argued,

Tom was never seen alive
again.

But Marianna was spotted
at the discothèque

lambada-ing with a bachelor
party from Scottsdale at 3am.

- Guilty!
- Guilty!

- You know, you chant
"Filthy Sheets"

but you deny its power.

It is a potent tincture that
does terrifyingly erotic things

to your mind and your body.

- This isn't Midsummer
Night's Dream.

You can't tell me that some New
Age witch In the East Village

is gonna concoct a potion
that's gonna make me a vixen.

- Care to try some
for yourself?

- What?!
- Whoa!

- Please state your name
and profession.

- Morag Schwartz,
co-executive potion

master at Enchantments.

- Can you describe your
workplace?

- We're the oldest occult
store in North America.

There's one in New Orleans
that claims to be,

but they're just a lesbian
candle shop trying to rebrand.

- Three days before the
cruise set sail,

did my client visit your
workplace for advice?

- We did a spiritual
consultation.

- Marianna was seeking
something

that would help save
her marriage.

- So you sold her
a love spell?

- I sold her a dram of
Filthy Sheets.

It's a potent oil for
sexual attraction

which when combined with the
right intention - is undeniable.

- What was Marianna's
intention?

- To dip her wick.

- To dip her wick!

And if her husband
rejected her,

could Filthy Sheets
make her do this?!

[people in courtroom gasp]

- Uh-huh.
And so much more.

- If the sheets are filthy,
then she is not guilthy!

[tense music]
[indistinct chatter]

- Okay, let's say she was D.U.I.
Dancing Under the Influence.

All that proves is that
she's not a-

- Skank!

- Hoe bag!

- But it doesn't prove that
she's innocent.

- Finally we agree!

Marianna Gildersleeve
killed her husband.

- Were you so deep in your
HSN addiction

that you couldn't
see the truth?

- Actually, thanks to my
Daisy Fuentes readers,

I could see the truth
perfectly clear.

[angelic music]

[TV static noise]

- No HSN?

Oh come on!

Is your TV working?

[quirky music]

Yes.

[quirky music continues]

No, Pam got wind of your
operation and shut it down!

Who here thinks Marianna
is guilty?

And who votes
not guilty?

[suspenseful tones]

I.A.N.A.L. but the
evidence-

- I anal?

- I Am Not A Lawyer,
but the evidence-

- Pamela, please show
everyone Exhibit 4-D.

[tense tones]

See this prescription
of Sildenafil Citrate?

Who knows
what that is?

Oh come on, gentlemen.
Carlos?

- Erectile dysfunction,
but I-

- If Marianna were planning
on killing her husband,

why would she bring
along his ED meds?

- Oh come on.

This is ridiculous!

- Why bother to
pleasure someone

you're planning on offing?

- Face it, Pam.

The Filthy Sheets,
the ED meds.

Marianna's motivation for
booking the cruise

wasn't to murder him,
it was to win him back!

It's just like that
three-episode arc I did on-

- Zip it, Hittler.

- If she packed the boner pill,
then she did not kill.

- Come on, Pam.
You know she's right.

[suspenseful tune]

- Fine, NG.

- Not guilty.

- Oh thank God.

- Amen!
The system works.

- Another white person
goes free.

- Hand Sani-tinis for all!

[jurors applaud]

- Holy shit!
ED meds got her off.

- It's a shame
no one can know

because we are actual heroes.

If we hadn't put Candace on
that jury,

an innocent woman would
have been sentenced to life.

- And we would have been
sentenced to

an 8-hour documentary on Netflix
about her road to exoneration.

- Oh, I gotta go.
Love you.

What?

- Filthy Sheets, baby.

[screams in disgust]

- Oh! That's supposed
to be an aphrodisiac?

- Oh!

- It smells like
Stevie Nicks' shawl closet.

- No.

- Chinese food farts?

- Ack, no.

- Chris Christie's office chair.

So that's a no.

For more Odd Mom Out,

go to bravotv.com.