All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S03E02_English

* Light's camera action

* My girl's got Von Weber

* Your girl she could
do it better *

* My girl's got Von Weber

* And they hatin'
on my mad cheddar *

* My girl's got Von Weber

- Turn that racket down!

I'm trying to work.

It sounds like there's
a DJ spinning it in here.

- [screaming] It's
not that loud, Jill.

- [screaming]
Mom, do you even

understand how cool
it is that my last name

is in a rap song?

- Aunt Brooke's
bags are in a rap song

and you are a Weber
not a von.

- Not yet.

- Bye! Ha!

- You know why grandparents
and grandkids

get along so well?

- Why?

- Because we have
a common enemy.

[theme music]
* Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine
I'm feeling fine *

- She leaves out
her erotica.

I find a trail of stray
ostrich feathers

from her negligées.

There are pills
everywhere.

It's like a prescription
Lucky Charms spill:

[in Leprechaun accent]
Yellow moons,

green clovers,
blue rhomboids.

- Are you surprised?

Her monogram is one
letter off from CVS.

- She literally does not
leave my house.

She's found a way
to fulfill all her needs

without leaving my couch.

- I aspire to that.

- The only thing
I'm living for is

the two hours of quiet
when she schleps

to Hell's Kitchen for her
private tango lesson

with Ernesto.

- And tonight's
dinner with Ollie!

I'm thinking fondue.

- Yes! I'll drown my
sorrows in gruyere.

- His longevity spa
is really taking off.

- You mean Uth?

- You know it's
pronounced "youth".

- But it's spelled
U-T-H.

Even with the umlaut
it's "uth" to me.

- More like, "uch".

I want to be supportive,
but I refuse to believe

that electroshock
to my cellulite

will give me the
thass of a 25 year old.

- I don't know.

I've read his
chromo-so-much-better

facial does wonders.

- You know that's fancy
for baby dick-tops?

- What?!

- Yeah, Ollie pays hospitals
for infant circumcision flaps.

Then he sends them
to a lab in Long Island City

that extracts the
proteins

and makes them
into a serum.

[gags]

If dabbing foreskin on your
face is so effective,

then why didn't you have

a better complexion
in college?

- Oh! Someone's
feisty today!

Speaking of complexion.

- What's going on?

You never wear
lipstick during the day.

And, no offense, but
you look really nice.

- You're gonna judge.

- Of course I am.

- Graham and I have
gotten a bit rote

in our FaceTimes,
so we decided

to spice it up
and have a date

in a nice restaurant.

- So wait, you're
in the restaurant

and he's Ed Snowden
on an iPad?

- I knew I shouldn't
have told you.

- No, it's a Modern Love
column in the making.

Not a good one,
but it'll get printed.

- Since Dot the
Rapper's "Mad Cheddar"

was the official
song of summer,

it's time to get to work.

- I'm so ready for fall.

I had such bad
swimmer's ear.

- I had tennis elbow!

- I had spinner's labia.

It's an old
college injury.

- Huh,
first bit of business-

- Wait, are we all gonna
wait on Stephanie or-

- In light of their
financial situation,

her husband moved
the family

to a kibbutz in Israel.

- I'm pretty sure they're
in a five bedroom

in Scarsdale.
- Same thing.

- And, and

[whispers]
who's this?

- This is
Parker Winchester.

She just moved into
the Krevitt's

old townhouse on Fifth.

- Well, I don't usually
buy discount,

but this was the only place
on the market

with a full-size ballroom.

- Well, I'm--
- Pleased to make

your acquaintance.

- Anyway, in this
continuing compromised

financial climate,
indiscreet indulgence

seems tone deaf.

Von Weber needs to
become synonymous

with something other
than consumption.

So, what is the
opposite of "getting"?

- Wanting.

- Giving. It's the
currency of the South.

Well, that and
passive aggression.

- Giving.

- Brooke, excuse me.

Brooke, which one?

- Orange says criminal
and I do not want you

going to Club Fed.

- Why? You're
the hottest guest

in town afterwards.

Cindy Adams' husband says,

"If you're indicted,
you're invited."

- Can you please
give us the room?

Come here.

- I haven't
dreaded a meeting

this much since the
Dartmouth Disciplinary

Committee hearing.

- And look how
that turned out.

- My family had to gift the
campus a beach club,

complete with lazy river,
so I didn't get expelled.

- Oh. Well,
don't you worry.

You are Lex von Weber

and no matter what
happens today

they can't take that
away from you.

- Thanks, Brooke.

- Go get 'em!

- Would you like
a drink or

would you like to
wait for your guest?

- Oh, uh, he's here-

- Is this like a
Sixth Sense kinda thing?

- It's like a virtual date
kinda thing.

- Hard to split the check
that way, but, okay.

I've got a few
specials today.

I've a
ramp-stuffed chicken

braised to perfection,
very fork-tender.

- Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

- And a hand-caught
smoked trout salad

atop a small-batch
house-fried yam latke.

- Great, I'll have the-

- Couple questions.

Is there dill in
the trout salad?

- There is.

- Can it be made without?

- Sure.

- I'll have the pasta
carbonara and a chiante.

Thanks.

Were you just
screwing with me?

- No, I really wanted to
hear more about

the artisanal ketchup leather
from Circle Jerk farms.

- This reminds me of when

we used to watch
movies in simulcast.

- Aw, during our
residencies.

I would imagine you
wearing nothing

but one of my button downs
and thigh highs.

- Good thing there was no
FaceTime or

you would have seen the
boner-killing reality of me

in sweats and a ratty tee.

[laughs]

- Hey, maybe later you
could invite me up

and we could bump
virtual uglies.

- Hm, well let's see
how dinner goes.

What are you having?

- For starters,
I am having

a plant-based,
hand-forged antidiarrheal.

- Okay.

- The hunter green could be
a bit more saturated

and the gold chord
should pop more.

The colors were right
in one of the test prints

and it was here
this morning.

It's in one of
the groups.

Ugh, sorry.

[frustrated scream]

- Don't mind her, darling.

- Due to the colossal
amount of money

you recklessly invested for
clients at Hercules Capital,

my office had no choice
but to conduct a thorough

forensic accounting
of your firm.

- Ma'am. my client,
Alexander von Weber,

was just as much of a
victim-

- Let me finish, Bob.

We have been trying
to determine if

these partners were
accomplices of Krevitt,

or just spectacularly inept.

After our extensive review,

we concluded Hercules
was guilty of...

profound negligence
on account of

total incompetence.

No charges will be filed,
but both men

are hereby stripped
of their SEC license

to invest in publicly traded
equities for clients.

- What?! No!

- But you just said you
found no criminal activity!

- We can't in good
conscience

let these men handle
other people's money.

- But this was all
his fault.

He's the one
who put everything

we had into
Krevitt's fund!

I didn't even
know about it.

- Because you were
too busy trying to

find yourself
smoking peyote

with a dude
dressed like an owl.

- I'm pretty sure
that was a real owl.

- The complete
dissolution of Hercules

will mean the immediate
liquidation of assets

including the company
ski lodge

complete with the company
rescue St. Bernard

and company whiskey barrel.

- Oh this can't
be happening.

- Oh boo-hoo, now you'll just
have to live off your wife.

- There are two kinds
of people in this world, Wilson.

Wedgie givers,
and wedgie receivers.

And you are
the worst kind.

- What's that?

- Somebody who used to
be a wedgie receiver

but now is
a wedgie giver.

- I don't need to listen
to this shit.

- You're always the
"wait up" guy.

In college it was,
"Where's the party this weekend?

Wait up!
"Hey are you guys

skiing in Stadt this
winter? Wait up!"

- You know,
I got a plane to catch.

I'm gonna go to Florida

to lay low for two
years until I can reboot.

- Florida, perfect!
Tilt the country

and that's where all
the bad eggs roll.

Prick-shaped state
for a dickhole like you.

- Hey babe.

- Where have you been?

I've been texting you
for an hour.

- I was at Hazel's
school for the

Father-Daughter Conflict
Resolution Seminar.

What's up?

- Well, first your mother
trashed one of my prints

by using it as a coaster
for Bordello Yellow.

Next I go into
Hazel's room

and find one of her votives
still burning!

This place could've
been Pompeii.

- What can we do,
hon?

She was wiped out
by Ernie Krevitt.

- Well I'm sick of her
hazardous candles

burning everywhere just
because she wants to be

"bathed in a
warm light".

Miles was doing his
homework by lantern

like Laura Ingalls.

- She'll be
out of the house

at four for her
dance lesson.

Why don't you work at the
library until then?

- [screaming]
Because it's my house!

Candace:
Keep it down, Jill.

You're scaring Jeong.

[Candace giggling]

- Candace!
It's quarter to four.

You're going to be
late for dance.

- Oh no, no.
I'm right on schedule.

In fact Ernesto and I
were just warming up.

- What's he doing here?

I specifically booked the
lessons at the studio.

- But then you wouldn't
be able to see my progress.

If you're going out,
be a dear would you

and pick me up
a few things?

- Like opaque
sleep attire?

- The only thing I sleep
in is Chanel Number 5.

Though I could use
better thread count sheets

in twin size
and a vacuum.

- Why don't you
just use mine?

- Why don't you?

- Okay, If I promise
to get everything

that you're asking for,

can you find a
ribbon of kindness

in that Carrara
marble heart of yours

to grant me
90 minutes alone

in my own apartment?

- I could.

Oh and throw in a little
something for yourself.

Like, maybe a tooth
whitening kit.

[laughs] Love it.
You're so fabulous.

- There, your necessities
will be here within an hour.

I am walking
out the door now.

Watch me so you can
see how that's done.

[Tango music]

- Who has other ideas for
how von Weber

can pay it forward?
Yes Simone.

- My plastic surgeon does a
one for one program.

For every nose job
he does here,

he does one pro
bono in Delaware.

- Noted. What else?

- We could offer manners
classes to liberals!

Maybe their pleas
would be heard

if ends with "please".

[phone rings]

- Ooh, Lex.
Hello?

- It's over.
I'm done.

- What?
What happened?

- Hercules is gone.

- No, only the "cules"
is gone.

The "Her" is right here.

And I'm not going
anywhere.

In fact, I'm going to lean
into my role as provider.

- Thanks, Brookie.

Guess I just needed
to hear your-

Brooke?

- That's it!

Provider. Provider!

ProvideHer.

Von Weber will be
a ProvideHer.

Women don't need a hand out,
they need a hand up.

Give an impoverished
woman a bag

so they have a bag
for a day,

but teach that woman
how to make a bag

well she can eat
forever.

- That's actually called
slave labor.

And I should know.

- Where are there
needy women?

- Uberpool?

- Exactly, but on
a global level.

- Hello? Hello?

Anybody home?

* Amazing grace
How sweet the sound *

[humming]

Candace! What about
our deal?

- I needed to unwind.

- But you're never wound!

- Please close the door
behind you.

Oh, and your "Amazing Grace"
was anything but.

[text message pings]

- In my birth
announcement

I was wearing
a Wharton onesie.

I had gold fish.

I named them
Q1, Q2, Q3, and Q4.

And then when
one of them died,

I got another one and I
named him "Bonus."

- Oh, Lex, honey.
I know it's emasculating

and not how traditional
marriages succeed

but know
that you have

the ever- expanding
juggernaut

of my company to
boost you aloft.

And the luxury of the
two most important things,

time and space, huh?

Come on.
Let's go, buddy.

[blows raspberry]
- Time and space.

- I'm still mad at you,
but this is a good start.

- It's actually for
my mother.

- Oh great, Norman Bates.
Mother is in the bath. Again.

- It's for this tactic that
we learned with the dads'

committee to ensure
a free-flowing conversation.

The holder of the Peace Rose
gets to speak.

And so I am going
to talk-

- Jill, honey
I need some-

Where are the
other eleven?

- Mother, I wanted
to say that I hear you,

and I am here for you.

- Anderson, I-

- Ah ah ah!

I know you've fallen
on hard times

with that lousy investment.

And we will help you
for as long as you need,

because that's what
family does. But-

- Give me that
and stop talking to me

like I'm shaking a cup
on the corner.

Do you really think I'd be as
stupid as your brother

to sock away all my duckets
with Ernie Krevitt?

No! I was diversified and

I only lost
a fifth of my fortune.

- What?

- Oh yeah well the truth is
I had a sexual dalliance

with Ernie last summer
and I need a place to lay low

until this blows over.

Page Six would have a
field day with a

May-December romance
like this.

- You mean
Christmas-Boxing Day.

At best.

- So, I came to the place
where I knew no one

would come
looking for me.

[shrieks]
[energetic rock music]

[door slams]

- Ollie, you are a
full-on fetus.

I thought it was just
an ancient profile picture

but you actually
look like this.

- Go on, feast your eyes.

- Isn't it insane?

He looks exactly the same
as when we graduated

minus the
eyebrow piercing.

- I can't be launching
med spas looking my age.

Ooh. I have swag
for you.

- Woo-hoo!

- Oh they're awesome!
Thank you.

Ow!

Jill, any monster-in-
law updates?

- Ugh, I don't want to
discuss it.

I've been looking forward
to this meal all day

and I don't want to get
indigestion before I eat.

- How long has she
been living with you?

- Five hundred
twenty-five thousand

six hundred migraines.

- Oh, Jilly.

- And she's not even broke!

I can't take it anymore!

She's always in my face,
telling me

I dress like
a Sicilian widow.

I am one step closer to being
committed every hour.

- You need one of those
Dr. Evil buttons.

Press it and she gets
sucked down a chute.

- Great idea.

Can I Prime Now
one of those?

- You could serve her a
Chicago Waffle.

- What's that?

- It's when you take a
dump on the keyboard

of someone's laptop and
then you shut the screen.

- That's perfect.

I can blame it
on Miles.

- Ew! Why do you
even know that?

- One of the phlebotomists
was dating two RNs

at the same time.

Two-timing a professional
that comfortable with

bodily fluids is a
dangerous game.

- Well, two girls
one laptop aside,

Candace doesn't even
have a computer.

- Since you can't change the
fact that she's living with you,

why not change
your attitude about it?

- Go back to LA
if you're going to

bring that kind of
mindfulness around here.

- I'm serious.
There's this new high-

intensity meditation
app called, Medi-8.

For people who want to
achieve a higher state

of consciousness in
under 10 minutes.

- No offense, but I am
way past that

zen bullshit.
I am going nuts!

She literally won't
leave my house!

- You need to get her
on jury duty.

- Yes.

- Now you're talking.

- We must know someone
in the DA's office.

- We don't have to.

Apparently there's a
24 hour hotline

you can call to volunteer.

- Okay, that is genius.

Can you imagine?

Oooh bubbling
cheese cauldron, yum!

[iPad rings]

- Jesus, doesn't he
have cleft palettes to mend?

- Hey Babe,
I just wanted to say

goodnight and that
until tomorrow,

I'm keeping you right
in this pocket,

over my heart.

- Love you.
Thanks for calling.

- Don't actually put your
mouth on that thing.

Screens are dirtier
than most public toilets.

- Yuck.
Goodnight.

- You do know that "Her"
is a cautionary tale, right?

- Jill, let me live!

[heavy typing sound]

- Wow. You're really working
hard over there.

- It's stuff for
Hazel's school.

Doing the seating chart for
our wedding was easier

than locking in a date for
Dads' Night Out.

- Wait...you're making all
that thunderous

clickity-clacking and
it's not even for work?

[heavy typing
sound continues]

- I mean it like there's lead
in your fingertips.

When I type
it's silent,

like a courtroom
stenographer.

- I'm almost done.

Just another
half-hour or so.

[meditation guide's voice]
- Weightlessness. Love.

Acceptance.
Let down the guard that

constipates your soul and feel
the chi flow through you-

- Oh Jesus Christ.

I can't take this steaming
pile of horse shit.

I'm getting snackage.

- Dear Jacob, I hope sixth
grade is going great so far.

Do the leaves change
in Florida?

I'm trying to
convince my mom

to let me get Instagram
for Hanukkah.

I'll send you my account
when I have it.

- Perfect.
Now if you want it to be

more personal, shall we
seal it with a kiss?

[Hazel giggles]
- Okay.

- Put on my lipstick.

You got it?
- Mm-hm.

- Now press your
lips on the back,

but don't actually kiss it
with pursed lips

or it'll look like
psoriasis.

Just press it once.

Let's see?

Lovely, he'll die.
[giggles]

[iPad rings]

- Couldn't stop thinking
about me?

[moans of pleasure]

Graham: Oh yeah. That's-
Woman: Graham!

- Hazel, has anyone
ever talked to you

about the birds
and the bees?

- Yeah of course.
My mom told me where

babies come from
ages ago.

- Did she tell you where
pleasure comes from?

- Huh?

- As I suspected,
she focused more on the

peas and not the steak.

Your pleasure is the most
important part of intimacy.

Not his, not hers, should
your boat float left,

but yours.

- I don't know what you're
talking about, Candace.

- I'm talking about
understanding

the botany of your
feminine flower.

- What flower?

- It's time for you to get
acquainted with

the different parts and
functions of your vulva.

I'll teach you.

- Hello, this is
Candace von Weber.

I'd like to make a reservation
for Jury Duty.

- Oh no.
Oh no, no, no.

I FaceTimed Vanessa
by accident.

[speaking Kurundi]
Vanessa!

- I told you about her.

[angrily speaking Kurundi]
Vanessa!

- Baby, don't be like that.

Voiceover: For more
"Odd Mom Out"

go to bravotv.com.