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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:01,872
- Next is a Bravo original
comedy.
2
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:06,737
[pig grunting]
3
00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,947
- Andy.
4
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,852
Not in the mood.
5
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,154
Stop--
6
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,516
[whimpers]
7
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,392
[groans]
8
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:26,434
[toy playing music]
9
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,202
- Hey, Mom!
10
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:36,174
- I'm hungry.
- Where's Daddy?
11
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:40,141
Andy? Andy?
12
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:45,083
Hey. Wake up.
13
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:47,453
- Wh--what happened?
14
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,451
- I have no idea.
15
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,123
[rock music]
16
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,792
- * Hey, yes, you know
17
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,961
* I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine *
18
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,040
- We--we must have been robbed.
19
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,010
- This isn't ours.
20
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:16,441
- We must have robbed
someone else.
21
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:20,407
- I feel like a rat is gnawing
its way out of my skull.
22
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,318
[groans]
How much did we drink?
23
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:27,050
- Like Keith Richards threw
Hemingway a bachelor party.
24
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,285
- Just the two of us?
25
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,362
It's a miracle we're alive.
26
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,961
- Our friends helped.
27
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,932
- What friends?
28
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,201
[doorbell rings]
29
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:41,572
- I'll tidy up.
30
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,172
- Go Jill. Go Jill.
31
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:45,372
Go, go, go Jill.
32
00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:48,306
[laughing]
33
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,512
How are you feeling
this morning?
34
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,914
- Uh...not good.
35
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,646
- God, you and Andy are legends.
36
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,353
I mean, you guys were still
going hard when we crashed.
37
00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,886
- Right.
When was that?
38
00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:03,021
- Uh, 4:00 a.m.
39
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:04,456
Right around the time
you guys started
40
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,062
crank-calling the White House.
41
00:02:06,093 --> 00:02:08,033
It was off the chain.
42
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,501
Can I just tell you something?
43
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:12,530
Talking with you last night
was like medicine.
44
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:15,496
I have girlfriends of 20 years
I don't connect with like that.
45
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:18,566
Do you think that we could keep
some of that stuff between us?
46
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,636
You know, in particular,
47
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:23,544
the story I told you about me
and my IUD at the Met.
48
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:25,407
So embarrassing.
49
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:28,076
- That won't be a problem.
- Great.
50
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:30,215
Our brunch date
is about to commence,
51
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:32,048
so I will see you over
at our apartment--
52
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:34,515
4-G, in case you forgot.
53
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,674
- [sighs]
54
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,436
- Good morning, Boo.
55
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:53,071
- Too ethnic.
56
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,336
- Pumpkin?
57
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:57,075
- Too round.
58
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:58,350
- Brookie Bear.
59
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:01,249
- [giggles]
That's more like it.
60
00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:03,249
Oh, I missed this.
61
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,421
- Me too.
62
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,452
Listen, Brookie Bear,
63
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,317
about what happened,
I just want to say--
64
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:11,686
- Shh.
Let's not pick that scab.
65
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:14,725
- What did I do to deserve you?
66
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:17,800
- Wait!
67
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,631
We haven't made it official yet.
68
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:22,437
- Uh, I seem to remember
making it official
69
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,270
2 1/2 times last night.
70
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:26,642
- No, official-official.
71
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,614
[camera clicks]
72
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,375
God, we're good-looking.
73
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:37,594
Let's see...
SoHappy.
74
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,648
NeverMoreInLove.
75
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:44,287
- PowerCouple.
LoveConquersAll.
76
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:46,762
- WereBackBitches.
77
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,434
Post.
78
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,662
Oh, no.
79
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,298
Lex, the Wi-Fi must be down.
80
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:54,771
- Cell service too.
81
00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:58,212
Don't move.
82
00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,406
Hello, front desk?
83
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,770
Can you tell me what's going on
84
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,638
with the Wi-Fi
and cell phone service?
85
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:06,806
We need to send an
extremely important Instagram.
86
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,017
Down throughout the building?
87
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,587
Dear God.
88
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,963
We're completely cut off
from the outside world.
89
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,843
- Carlton!
Carlton, who's that?
90
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:30,938
- Oh, that was Mrs. Crisp.
12-C.
91
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,241
- Oh, yes.
92
00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:35,811
The Lord finally put her
out of her long misery.
93
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:38,353
- Yes, and us out of ours.
94
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:41,848
- Go on.
95
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,782
- Oh, nothing, ma'am.
It's just...
96
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,447
when your husband's the guy
who invented non-dairy creamer,
97
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,987
seems like at Christmas,
you can afford to tip
98
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:51,262
more than
a $20 Best Buy gift card.
99
00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:54,029
- Oh, yes.
Yes, her husband.
100
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:57,571
Oh, that poor man must
be devastated right now.
101
00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:58,898
Yes.
102
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,444
- Who was that woman,
103
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,384
and why are we going
to her house for brunch?
104
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,879
- She definitely lives
in the building.
105
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,380
I think she's married
to that super tall, bald guy.
106
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:14,720
- The guy who looks like the
animatronic Halloween butler?
107
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,418
No, no--he's married
108
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,120
to the freckly lady
with the red braids.
109
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,521
Old Pippi Longstocking.
110
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:20,753
- I thought
old Pippi was a widow.
111
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:22,388
Used to be married
to Asian Al Roker.
112
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:23,923
- Wait, he died?
Oh, no!
113
00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:27,027
I loved Asian Al Roker.
- Meredith.
114
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:30,900
Her name is Meredith.
She's married to Brad.
115
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:33,471
- The kids weren't drunk.
116
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,641
- Okay, kids, this is important.
117
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,539
For reasons that you are
too young to understand,
118
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,042
your mom and I can't remember
119
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,683
some things that happened
last night.
120
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:42,879
- You were wasted?
- Okay.
121
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,110
Where did you learn
that word?
122
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:45,754
- Mom kept saying it
over and over.
123
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:49,079
"I'm so wasted.
I'm so wasted."
124
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:51,646
- As in I'm so tired.
125
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,685
Like, more tired than you guys
have ever been.
126
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:55,491
- Which is why we need you
to tell us
127
00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:56,923
everything that happened
last night.
128
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,427
- I brushed my teeth
for two minutes
129
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,489
and didn't swallow
any toothpaste.
130
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,828
- That's great, Miles,
but that's not what we mean.
131
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,473
- Can I go to a new camp
next summer?
132
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,698
- Kids! Focus!
Last night!
133
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,704
- You ran out of wine,
and you went to get more,
134
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:11,266
and when you came back,
we had new best friends.
135
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,543
- God, I needed this.
136
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,105
No offense to that therapist,
137
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,583
but she ain't got nothin'
on Dr. Cabernet.
138
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,712
- So what if Miles
is a little pain in the ass?
139
00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:22,518
What kid isn't?
140
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,620
If he were a little cuter,
they'd call him precocious.
141
00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:26,092
- Totally.
142
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,889
I was beginning to feel like
we were a family of nutjobs.
143
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:31,092
Hey, let's make a pact--
at least for tonight,
144
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,194
we forget all about it.
145
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,796
- Deal.
146
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,003
[sighs]
147
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:40,601
Voila.
148
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:43,074
- Boo.
149
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,643
Open another.
- That's our last bottle.
150
00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:47,643
- What?
Oh, no, no.
151
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,675
We're not going through
a blizzard with no wine.
152
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,950
We've gotta get some; there's
gotta be some in the building.
153
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,549
I'm going door to door.
154
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:56,151
- We are profoundly bad parents.
155
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:59,293
- Can Alice and Fanny sleep over
again tonight?
156
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,289
- Who the hell
are Alice and Fanny?
157
00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:03,921
[phone ringing]
The landline.
158
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:07,286
Hello?
159
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,027
- Hey, me again.
160
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,002
Also, could you guys bring
some maple syrup?
161
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,971
Fanny says we're out,
and believe me, she'd know.
162
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,770
She drinks it.
All right, thanks.
163
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,713
- Guys, I think
164
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:23,610
- Whoo!
- There they go.
165
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:26,345
- So, I mean,
would I ever do that?
166
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,149
- Never.
- Right.
167
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,181
It's like that thing you said
about elephant seals.
168
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,787
- Mm.
- That was so great.
169
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:34,789
- Oh! Vermont!
170
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,162
How fitting!
171
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,059
- We thought
you'd appreciate that.
172
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,761
- Vermont. What a state.
- Isn't it amazing?
173
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,634
All of us living
in the same building for so long
174
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,403
and we never met?
- It actually seems impossible.
175
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,171
- It's a shame.
- Incredible.
176
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,169
- And to think that you and I
were both going through
177
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,101
those miscarriages
at the same time.
178
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,637
We could have gone through that
together.
179
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,813
- Right.
180
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,782
Do you guys smell something?
181
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,980
There's--agh!
Fire!
182
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:01,052
- Get the zapper.
- I'm on it.
183
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,881
- [shrieking]
184
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,847
[whooshing]
185
00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:08,086
Holy shit.
- Owen.
186
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,461
Owen.
- Owen!
187
00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,117
- Come out from there.
188
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:14,388
[whooshing]
189
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:17,127
- Hand 'em over.
190
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,404
Now apologize to Jill.
191
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:21,272
- I'm sorry I lit you on fire.
192
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:22,901
- That's...okay.
193
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,038
- Go play.
194
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,877
I'm so sorry.
195
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,109
He only does that
to people he likes,
196
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,384
for what it's worth.
197
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:33,782
I'm mortified.
198
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:36,184
- Hey, every kid's
got something.
199
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:39,746
- Totally--we've had endless
trouble with Miles this year.
200
00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:41,087
- We know.
201
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,821
That therapist
you were telling us about
202
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,156
sounds terrible.
203
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,931
- Yeah, don't take this
the wrong way,
204
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,899
but Mere and I were just saying
what a relief it was
205
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,498
to hear we weren't
the only ones.
206
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:53,197
Sometimes, we feel like we're
a family of crazies, you know?
207
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,903
- Yes.
- You are not crazy.
208
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,966
And by the way,
a six-year-old lighting matches?
209
00:08:58,005 --> 00:08:59,805
Talk about fine motor skills.
210
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,340
- One way to look at it.
[laughing]
211
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,944
- Can I just say,
these waffles are ridic.
212
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,277
So good.
- Thank you.
213
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,952
It's my mom's recipe.
214
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,320
The secret ingredient is
I opened a box of Bisquick.
215
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:11,379
[laughter]
216
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,948
- Andy, we found people
who actually chow
217
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,617
right in our building!
- Yeah!
218
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:18,193
- Can we get together every
weekend and eat our feelings?
219
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:21,225
- Yeah!
- Yes, I'm so in!
220
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,301
I love eating my feelings.
221
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,937
- Mrs. Von Weber,
What a lovely surprise.
222
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,640
- Oh, Timberly,
you poor dear.
223
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:34,339
It's just awful.
I can't believe she's gone.
224
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,644
- Were you and Eloise close?
225
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,013
- No, not at all.
226
00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,454
But I do know what it's like
227
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,648
to be suddenly all alone
in a triplex.
228
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,921
Might you care for some company?
229
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:46,090
Some...companionship?
230
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,490
- I must be the luckiest widower
in the world.
231
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:02,035
- Thelma!
Phoebe.
232
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,909
- Come, join the party.
233
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,508
[ice cubes rattling]
234
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,108
- Room service, please.
235
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:12,953
For the lady, a Pellegrino
with a wedge of Meyer lemon.
236
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,120
- You remembered.
- And for me--
237
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:18,088
I'm sorry, what?
238
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:22,318
I see.
Bye, then.
239
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,955
- What happened?
240
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:27,031
- The snow--none of the workers
can get in.
241
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,460
[scoffs]
I thought they lived here.
242
00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:31,625
Room service is unavailable,
but we are--get this--
243
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:34,295
welcome to come get it
ourselves.
244
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,604
- What does that even mean?
- I don't know.
245
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,336
Take the elevator
and push the big cart?
246
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:42,242
- This storm is turning into
a living nightmare.
247
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,175
[sighs]
248
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,011
Nothing but simple carbs.
249
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:49,076
I'd rather starve than get fat.
- Calm down!
250
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,046
Shit's getting real,
but we'll get through this.
251
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,524
- Don't tell me to calm down!
252
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,692
I am never gonna get
my Meyer lemon water.
253
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:56,592
- I'll figure something out,
Brooke.
254
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:59,133
Have I ever let you down?
255
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,329
- [scoffs]
I can think of one time.
256
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:08,565
- Okay, I thought were were
letting go of the past
257
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:11,641
and taking ownership
of what happened.
258
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:15,109
- Oh, so it was my fault!
- That's not what I said.
259
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,112
But it didn't happen
in a vacuum.
260
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:23,284
Don't do something
you're gonna regret.
261
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:24,786
Brooke--
262
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,320
This isn't you, Brooke.
263
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,788
- [shuddery breath]
264
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,395
- Yeah, I mean, every morning,
at least one of them is in tears
265
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,443
because Daddy's taking them
to school and not me.
266
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,269
It's a stake
through Andy's heart.
267
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,544
- I know, it's the same
for Brad, and I just tell him,
268
00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:49,483
"Don't worry, it's a phase."
- Exactly.
269
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,009
But just once,
I'd like one of them to say,
270
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,505
"I want Daddy to wipe me."
271
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,787
- I know,
you know, but...
272
00:11:57,785 --> 00:12:00,545
I secretly love
being the favorite.
273
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:03,387
When Fanny was three,
she was such a daddy's girl--
274
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,193
it was like they were lovers.
275
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,855
And I admit it--
I was jealous.
276
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:10,234
So I turned her against him.
277
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,903
- Sorry--
how?
278
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,332
- Little things at first,
279
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:15,936
like have him take her
to get her shots
280
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,909
and accidentally tell him
the wrong pick-up time,
281
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:21,409
and then I finally just said,
282
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,911
"Listen, honey,
Daddy loves Owen more."
283
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:25,814
It took about a year.
284
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:27,553
- It's been rough, honestly.
285
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,520
At work, all you have
is one person to worry about.
286
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,179
At home, I'm fourth or fifth
on the list.
287
00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:32,588
- So true;
it's no fun
288
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,549
being out of work,
even for a couple months.
289
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,687
- Well, I'm technically not
out of work.
290
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:39,693
- Brad, honey, it's not
a couple months, it's 6 1/2.
291
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:42,826
- Thank you for keeping
such close track, dear.
292
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,930
Here's a wild idea:
why don't you go back to work?
293
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,225
She used to be a copy editor,
back in the day.
294
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:50,597
- I was, but I made
the selfish choice
295
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:54,707
of staying home to raise
our children, so my bad!
296
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:55,911
Forgive me!
297
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,853
At least I get out of my
sweatpants
298
00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:58,845
more than once a week.
299
00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:00,206
This is, like,
300
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,017
the most dressed-up
you will ever see him.
301
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,049
- Yeah, well, I don't know
who she's dressing up for.
302
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:07,454
- Not you--I get more sexual
energy off the fruit vendor.
303
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,317
- Well, good--why don't you
let him hunker down
304
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:10,986
with your eight hours
of night gas, then?
305
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:13,894
- I just have a question
about that garlic spray.
306
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:16,327
Is that something you cook with?
307
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,603
- Oh. No.
- No. No, no, no.
308
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,931
This is something you spray
on your kid's scalps.
309
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:23,538
It's supposed to prevent lice.
I think it's bullshit.
310
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,870
- Yeah, well, so is lice.
311
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:30,013
I mean, people act like it is
just the most devastating
312
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,913
apocalypse on the planet.
313
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,705
I had a girlfriend who spent
thousands of dollars
314
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,677
de-lousing her kids,
fumigating her house,
315
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:40,346
throwing out the brushes and
the hats and the blabbity-blah--
316
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:41,587
It's like, who cares?
It's lice!
317
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:42,991
- [laughs]
318
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,493
- But your kids don't have lice
now, right?
319
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:48,325
- No, they did--
well--
320
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,031
Fanny has eggs in her scalp.
321
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:53,103
She got sent home from school
with, like, a neon-green note,
322
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,943
like she was radioactive.
323
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,598
- So what'd you--
what'd you do about it?
324
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:58,566
- Oh, you know, these things
work themselves out.
325
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:01,105
Lice aren't killing people.
- He's exaggerating.
326
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:03,781
We bought the shampoo
and we're gonna use it.
327
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,180
We just haven't had a minute.
328
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,112
- Okay, um, look at the time!
329
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:09,117
We have totally overstayed
our welcome.
330
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:10,919
Kids!
- Kids!
331
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:14,191
- Kids! Thank you so much.
- What about our bloody marys?
332
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:15,991
- Take that off.
Take those off.
333
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,193
[all shouting]
- Say thank you!
334
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,994
Thank you for having us.
- Okay.
335
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,757
- We'll be in touch with you
about the house!
336
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,104
- House?
337
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:28,365
- Okay, here we go.
338
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,610
"If you've come into contact
with contaminated hair"--
339
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:35,079
Okay, kids, I want you
to take off all your clothes
340
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,778
and chuck them in the dryer now!
341
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:38,709
- Here it is.
The booking confirmation.
342
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:41,945
Winter cottage rental
in Burlington, Vermont.
343
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:44,452
- Vermont!
That's why the syrup!
344
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,654
- What have we done?
We just met these people,
345
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:48,456
and we agreed to
a three-month house-share?
346
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:49,858
- And she was wearing my socks.
347
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,187
What if I have body lice?
348
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,594
We have to break up
with them.
349
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:53,825
- How?
They live in the building.
350
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,100
- We'll move.
- What?
351
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,858
- Sell the apartment
and move far, far away.
352
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,574
It's the only way out of this!
353
00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:00,498
- What if we tell them
we just found out
354
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,803
your mother is coming to visit
and we can't leave her alone?
355
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:04,535
- That's so dumb,
it's insulting.
356
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,341
- We have to do something!
We hooked up with nutjobs!
357
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,310
- I've done a lot of growing,
you know.
358
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,645
- Me too.
I've grown a ton.
359
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:15,981
- I've changed.
360
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,253
- I think I've changed more.
361
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:18,994
I'm a completely different
person.
362
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:22,186
- Okay, fine.
We've both evolved equally.
363
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:25,162
So what do we do about it?
364
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:28,302
- In my now-extensive
business experience,
365
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,858
I've found
it's beneficial
366
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:32,566
to set expectations
in advance in writing.
367
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,099
- You want to draw up
a contract?
368
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:37,204
- No.
A vision board.
369
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:39,007
Let's put it all up here.
370
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,009
All our hopes, dreams,
371
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,678
prospective vacation
destinations.
372
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,579
- Should you be drawing
on the wall in Sharpie?
373
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:45,881
- I'll start.
374
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,852
My fondest wish
for this relationship
375
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,820
is that you never betray
my trust.
376
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,219
Or what remains of it.
377
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:53,051
- This is what
I'm talking about.
378
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,746
If we're going to have
a future together,
379
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,317
you have to find a way
to forgive me.
380
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:59,257
- I have forgiven you.
381
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,692
And now all I ask is the right
to lord it over you
382
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,028
for the rest of your life.
383
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:06,070
- I can't do this.
384
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,699
- Where are you going?
385
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:09,704
- For a walk in the snow.
386
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,796
It's gotta be warmer out there.
387
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,208
- [exhales angrily]
388
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:25,151
- Jesus, it's the Superdome
in here.
389
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,932
- Hey, Vaness,
we need your advice.
390
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,130
We had a one-night stand
with this family
391
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:37,763
and we need to cut it off.
392
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,727
- What?
- You've dumped tons of guys.
393
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,126
What do we do?
394
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,768
- Okay, has there been
any contact since?
395
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,242
- Yes, and we traded clothes,
396
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:45,941
and we're doing a house-share
with them.
397
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:49,242
- [laughs]
Wow! You guys are easy.
398
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,736
How 'bout you say you're not
ready for anything serious,
399
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:52,778
you'd rather stay friends.
400
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,782
- No, we need to kill this dead.
401
00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:57,954
I never want
to see these people again.
402
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,922
- And one more.
403
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,958
To our dear friend, Timberly.
404
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:06,389
- Really, Candace, haven't you
quite had enough?
405
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,926
- If you can't keep up,
406
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,130
grab a couch like the other one,
sister.
407
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,803
- What a treat this has been,
408
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:15,101
in the company
of such elegant beauties.
409
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:17,272
- Yes, though it is funny.
410
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:22,114
Where I come from, we don't put
on our big jewelry until 8:00.
411
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:26,509
- Oh, darling, whoever said
this was my big jewelry?
412
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,216
Bottom's up.
413
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,427
[glass shatters]
414
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:46,530
And then there was Candace.
415
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:49,136
[doorbell rings]
416
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,536
- Hey!
- Hey! Hi!
417
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,140
Us again.
Um...so listen.
418
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:56,310
Jill and I have been talking
about the Vermont house
419
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,313
and so want to do it,
but the truth is--
420
00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,305
is my back and skiing
do not mix.
421
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:02,147
We're talking traction.
- No worries!
422
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,152
That's why we sprung
for the house with the hot tub.
423
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:05,394
- Well, also the traffic.
424
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,048
You know, Vermont sounds fun
in theory,
425
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:08,364
but after five hours
on the road...
426
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,988
- Don't worry,
JetBlue just added
427
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,292
service to Burlington
for 90 bucks.
428
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:14,355
You can't beat it.
- It'll be cramped.
429
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,934
- Six bedrooms.
- What if there's no snow?
430
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,673
- Then we'll hike!
- Here's the thing, okay?
431
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,198
We moved too fast;
we live too close.
432
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,644
We're afraid
this won't end well.
433
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,069
- It's nothing personal.
434
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,712
- But lice is disguitious!
435
00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:29,979
We've had it, it sucks,
but it's not a pulled muscle
436
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,679
that just works itself out.
437
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,251
You have to deal with it!
438
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,048
- Oh.
- Wow.
439
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:41,454
- We just thought you guys
were cooler about things.
440
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,088
- Ding! Ding!
441
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:45,390
Oh, excuse me.
I just received an email.
442
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,555
Oh, it's my mother.
She's visiting this winter.
443
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,264
We can't go to Vermont anyway,
so...
444
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,556
- Oh, yeah, too bad.
I guess it's not gonna work out.
445
00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:53,298
We'll see you around, yeah?
446
00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:58,505
[door opens]
447
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,739
- Who is it?
448
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:04,684
I've got the activity binder,
and I know how to use it!
449
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,353
Lex.
450
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,221
Thank God you're alive.
451
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:19,231
What is that?
Some kind of non-Meyer lemon?
452
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:23,226
- I think they call it
a...lemon.
453
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,233
- [chuckles]
454
00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:27,232
You came through for me.
455
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,244
That's all that matters.
456
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:32,466
Everything else,
we can work through or ignore.
457
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:39,382
- Wait, wait.
Has there been a maid in here?
458
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:42,652
- No, I did it.
All by myself.
459
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,782
See how much I've changed?
460
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,147
- Come here, you.
461
00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:52,333
- Did you hear that?
462
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:54,359
- What?
- A noise downstairs.
463
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,264
- [laughs]
- I'll suss it out.
464
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:59,134
- Oh, yes.
465
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,765
Yes, you go suss it out.
466
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,170
[laughing]
467
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,173
Yeah, you suss out--
[gasps]
468
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,206
[moaning and panting]
469
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:14,708
- [snoring]
- Timberly?
470
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,847
Timberly?
471
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:19,453
Oh, Jesus, God.
472
00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:21,916
Oh...
473
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:25,256
Yeah, okay.
474
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:28,232
Oh, that's...
mm-hmm, that's just fine.
475
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,831
[exhales]
476
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,662
Oh, yeah.
477
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,328
Oh, baby.
478
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,836
Oh, you just keep snoring,
honey.
479
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,768
Just keep snoring away.
480
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,674
[gasps]
Ooh, good boy.
481
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:45,550
- I think we've learned
a valuable lesson.
482
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,408
- Don't talk to neighbors.
483
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,547
- I am never drinking again.
484
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:50,752
- Never.
485
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,523
Want some wine?
486
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,752
- Little bit.
487
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,787
- So babe, I've been thinking,
488
00:20:56,823 --> 00:21:00,463
it may not be the worst thing
in the world if you...
489
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:01,733
- I went back to work early?
490
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,561
I already emailed the board.
491
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,826
[both giggle]
492
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,335
- We miss you already.
493
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:12,443
[doorbell rings]
494
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,372
- [sighs]
What do you want, Jill?
495
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:15,607
- Hi, sorry to bother you.
496
00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:16,982
I just wanted
to return your pig.
497
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:18,509
[pig grunts]
498
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:20,345
- Yeah, but that's not our pig.
499
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:25,852
- For more "Odd Mom Out,"
go to bravotv.com.
500
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:27,885
[seagull squawking]
- Oh, dear.
501
00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,522
- Left, right,
left, right, left, right!
35665
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