All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S02E03_English

- Next is a Bravo
original comedy.

- So what is Miles doing
for camp?

- Camp?
You mean, like, next summer?

I have no idea.

My kids are still sunburned
from Labor Day.

- Well, you better hurry.

There's only one spot left
at Dalton Summer,

and BJ is dying
for Miles to go with him

for some reason.
- I'll look into it.

- And what about Halloween?
What is Miles going to be?

- Uh, either Luke Skywalker
or a wad of gum.

He can't decide.

- Well, BJ is going
as Aaron Burr.

He is obsessed with "Hamilton."

- Oh, wow, that pistol
looks really real.

- Yeah.
- But he hasn't seen it?

- Of course.
Twice.

Our whole family is obsessed.

That show changed my life.

I mean, didn't it
change your life?

- Oh, my God, are you guys
talking about "Hamilton"?

- Yes.
- I've seen it four times,

and every time I feel changed.

Like, I'm actually
a different woman

with a different family

and a very different husband.

You know what I mean.

- No, I haven't seen it.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Not even once?

- I haven't seen it.

I haven't seen "Hamilton."

[all gasp]
- You have to see it.

all: You have to see it.
You have to see it.

You have to see it.
- You absolutely have to see it.

[rock music]

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine *

- What is the deal
with "Hamilton"?

People are apeshit.

It's like "Frozen" for adults.
- I know.

I was shamed by a patient
'cause I hadn't seen it.

She had third-degree burns
all over her body,

but she felt really bad for me.

- [laughs]
Everyone's saying

it's "life-changing."

How?
Does Alexander Hamilton

climb off the stage
and chow your box?

- [laughs]
He must.

I kinda wanna see it.
- Me too.

There was a day way back when
I was gonna get tickets,

and then I forgot,

and then it blew up
so I decided it must suck.

- Totally,
And now that it's impossible

to get tickets,
I'm 100% sure I'd hate it.

In fact, I hate it already.
- Yeah, but what if

we're missing out
on quality entertainment

because we think we're cooler
than everyone else?

- Well, we are cooler
than everyone else,

but I do have
some entertainment regrets.

Remember we skipped Nirvana
at Irving Plaza?

- Well, I hate general admission

and I thought
we'd catch their next tour.

Sorry.

- I blew off Pope Francis.

His first visit here
was like the second coming.

- Well, I am here to say,

"Game of Thrones,"
not overhyped.

- Then let's see "Hamilton"
before it's "Disney on Ice."

Get out your wall calendar.
[cell phone chimes]

[growls]
- What?

- Elliot signed me up for this
"Texts of Joy" thing.

One nauseatingly positive
thought every day.

"Life isn't about
finding yourself.

It's about creating yourself."
- Barf.

Is that from
that "Joy Manifesto" hag?

- Yes.
Thank you, Brooke von Weber.

Right after she gave me her
handbag at your break-fast,

she gave Elliot
that insipid book.

- She giveth
and she taketh away.

So just to recap
our hype policy:

"Hamilton," yes.

"Joy Manifesto," never.

- Sorry, did I hear you talking
about "Hamilton"?

Isn't it life-changing?

both: We haven't seen it.
- Oh.

- We were just about
to order tickets for the 2020s.

- Too bad you'll miss
Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Tonight's his last night.

He's leaving
to work on his next opus

about Spiro Agnew, I think.

- Oh, well, there goes that.

We snoozed.
We losed.

- Wait a minute,
how did you get tickets?

- Oh, I'm friends
with one of the actors.

Javier Munoz.
No?

Well, he gets tickets
to every show.

It's a long shot,
but I can see

if he hasn't already
gotten rid of his tickets yet.

- Oh, my God,
you are Zeus from on high.

Okay, I'm writing my number,
and here's my email,

my mailing address,
and my bank log-in just in case.

- [laughs]
Okay.

- I love him.

- Yeah, that's not happening.

If we want a real shot at this,

I think we have to take
to the streets.

- Okay.
You take Facebook,

I'll Instagram,
and we'll both tweet

to our 38 followers
from college.

- I really appreciate you
putting up with everything

my kid said, did,
and smelt like back there.

I'm giving you
a five-star rating.

- It wasn't a problem, sir.
I--you know what?

I'll give you a five too.
- Right, passengers get rated.

Now, what do you rate them on?
- Not much.

If they're nice enough
I give them a five.

- Oh.

Can I see what my rating is?

- Yeah, sure, I guess.

It's, uh, 4.7.
That's good.

- 4.7 out of 5?
- Yeah.

- So there's a driver
who didn't give me a five?

- It's an average, Daddy.
It could be more than one.

[melancholy rock music]

Daddy, come on.
We're going to be late.

- And that is the dire state
of the union

on envelope clutch bags.

- Thank you, ladies.
Nice work.

Now for some breaking news.

As you know
from my vision boards,

it's been my number one goal

to get von Weber featured
on BagBitch.net.

- So much better
than BagBitch.com.

- Right?
My computer's set to auto-buy

her "Bag of the Week"
every Monday.

- Well, drum roll, please.

J'neece, I was hoping you could
do something rhythmic.

- Okay, uh...
- Yeah.

[gasps]
So tribal.

I scored a meeting
with Ila Davingsly,

the Bag Bitch herself,

to pitch a von Weber bag
to be "Bag of the Week."

- A personal meeting?

She doesn't do that
with emerging brands.

- All I know is she is in town
and she's squeezing me in

between a shoot for "W"

and a non-eating luncheon
with Stella McCartney.

- I'll call in your facialist
and synergy coach.

- And I'll cancel your AKTE.
- Thanks.

The last time I had this much
riding on a meeting was

when Lex brought me home
to meet Candace and Fielding.

I miss Fielding.

Oh!

What about something
in sharkskin for spring?

[hip-hop music]

- I swear two different
Instagram peeps said

they got tickets at TKTS.

It's like reverse psychology.

It's the last place
anyone would look.

Hi.

Any chance you have two tickets

for "Hamilton" tonight?

- Preferably orchestra.

- [laughs]

[all laughing]

This kid is insane, man.

- Okay, okay, calm down, people.
We get it.

- NFW!

Elliot's saying he can help
get us "Hamilton" tickets.

- Seriously? How?
- I don't know.

Maybe one of his real estate
clients has a connection.

Who cares?
Let's go.

[rock music]

*

- Mrs. von Weber,

I'm sorry to have
kept you waiting.

Unfortunately,
another meeting ran long

and Miss Davingsly won't be able
to meet with you after all.

- What?
Not even for a few minutes?

Just to introduce myself?
- I'm afraid not.

She's quite booked
and already on her way out,

but leave your sample here,
I'll be sure she gets it.

- [sighs]

[elevator bell dings]

[upbeat music]

[grunts]
[all groan]

[breathing heavy]
Miss Davingsly,

if you're in here,
I wouldn't normally do this,

but I couldn't bear not meeting
you while you were in town.

- Everybody out.
You can take the stairs.

[all mumbling]
- Oh.

- All right.
- This is ridiculous.

- How many floors is this?

- I said "out," Mom!

- You have your inhaler, right?
- Ugh!

Just go!

You have 20 floors
to sell me on your bags.

- Oh, I--
[laughs softly]

First of all,
it is such an honor

to meet you, Miss Davingsly.

- 18, 17...

- We're not only a handbag line,
we are a brand experience

that conveys intention,
confidence,

and subtle superiority.
- Price point?

- I believe a handbag
should be accessible.

Mine start at 2,900.

Now, what can I do
to get "The Shipley"

to be "Bag of the Week?"

- I'm just a girl
from Muncie, Indiana,

and I told my mom that
for my first trip here,

I want the quintessential
New York experience.

Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge,
see "Hamilton,"

ride in a horse-drawn carriage
through Central Park.

- That's adorable.

- And I want to do it all
on molly.

I didn't tell my mom that part.

- Molly?
You mean the drug?

- The guy who was supposed
to get it for me

got stuck upstate
in apple-picking traffic.

If you can deliver,
"The Shipley" will be

on BagBitch by Monday morning.

- Oh.
[elevator bell dings]

- Got it?
- Got it.

[rock pop music]

[rock music]

*

- Elliot.
- Our "Hamilton" hero.

- You officially
never have to get me flowers.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

- Let me find you a place
to sit down.

- No offense,
but this'll just be a drive-by.

How much do we owe you
for the tickets?

- What?

No, I don't have the tickets.

I meant I can help you get them

by doing
a manifestation visualization.

- [exhales sharply]
You did not bring us here

for a "Joy Manifesto" thing.
No.

- Does it matter to you one iota
that the "Joy Manifesto"

helped me sell
three apartments yesterday?

And when I do
positive visualizations,

I never wait for the subway.
Not even the G train.

[laughing]
That can't just be luck.

- Oh, my God, he's serious.

A thousand apologies.

- Wow.
You're so deeply negative.

With this attitude, I'm not sure
you deserve to see "Hamilton."

- [laughs]
Do you hear yourself?

- I'm sorry, I think Vanessa's
just having a big reaction

'cause we're kind of
under the gun time-wise,

and we're in longshot-ville
as it is.

- Actually, Vanessa,

I'd like to talk to you
about something privately,

if you don't mind.

- Okay, I will be downstairs.

Thank you, anyway, Elliot.

[upbeat music]

all: * The wheels on Syed's Uber
go round and round... *

- No, sir.
Which way do you want to go?

all: * Round and round

* Round and round

- I mean, not working has been
eye-opening, actually,

if a little tedious.

all: * The wheels on Syed's Uber
go round and round... *

- These brownies are made
with applesauce

instead of oil, by the way.

Promise you won't miss it.

*

all: * All through the town

- A 4.1?
My score's gone down!

How's that possible?

- Hey, I just realized
I'm mutual Facebook friends

with the actor who plays Rafiki
in "The Lion King."

Should I poke him?

What's wrong?

- Elliot just dumped me.

Said he couldn't
visualize a future

with someone so negative.

- What?
He dumped you?

[mimicking robot]
Does not compute.

- I mean, I wasn't
in love with him or anything,

but still,
I'm just a little stunned.

- Trust me,
it's all for the best.

You don't need that kind
of positive energy in your life.

Anyway, I have a better idea
how we can get Hammy tickets.

Come on.

[phone rings]
- What makes you think Lex is

gonna have "Hamilton" tickets?

- Hello, haven't you
seen "Billions"?

Hedge fund guys rule the world.

- Jill E. Beans!

- Hey.
- And the friend!

- Vanessa.

- You guys here
for a tour of my roof hives?

- Roof hives?
- Did you know that bees play

a crucial role
in the environment?

I call them my Hercu-bees.

- Okay, I'm just gonna
cut to the chase.

We're dying to see "Hamilton."

Like, on life support about it.

- You guys haven't
seen "Hamilton" yet?

I saw it twice last month.
It changed my life,

but then the second time
it changed back,

so I'm going again.

- Any chance you can
help us get tix?

- Of course, I keep two spares
on me at all times.

I nabbed these
at a charity auction

along with that portrait
of Hercules Mulligan.

It'll make more sense
after you see the show.

- Lex, these tickets are
for December.

We have to go tonight.
- [exhales]

- It's LMM's last performance.

- Tonight?
KY-Jilly, no can do.

Have you tried
a manifestation visualization?

The "Joy Manifesto" is
how I landed my last two deals.

[cell phone buzzes]

Ernie, tell me
we got that new jet.

It is such an upgrade.
- Who are we not thinking of?

Come on, this is the greatest
city in the world.

[bell rings]
Come on, come on, come on.

- I know.
It's been so long.

Anyway, am I dreaming
or did your mother

have something to do
with the "Hamilton" publicity?

No?
- Well, I just loved

your cover shot
of Lin-Manuel Miranda

for the "Times Magazine."

[bell dings]
- I'm so, so sorry.

Well, that's
an excellent hospital.

I did my residency there.

She's in good hands...
[mouthing]

- What?

Everyone is pumping you
for tickets?

That is so ass-holic.

I hate people.
[bell dings]

- Right, but didn't you go to
Hunter with Lin-Manuel Miranda?

Wesleyan?

SAT prep class?

[growls]

Andy's not related
to Andrew Lloyd Webber, is he?

[cell phone ringing]
- No, he's two Bs.

Hello?

I'm sorry, who?

No way!
The waiter.

Okay.
- Thanks anyway, talk soon.

- Yes.

You are an actual god.

Start a religion,
and I will convert.

Okay.

Javier whoever's accountant
has food poisoning,

and he said on Facebook he's
giving the tickets

to the first person
that gets to his office.

- Do you think we
manifested his food poisoning?

Shit on a stick!
- The four, five, and six

cannot all be down.

All right, we gotta get an Uber.

- You know how I feel
about Uber.

- That was one incident.

- It was $145 from the High Line
to my apartment.

I could have rented
a helicopter for that.

- It was New Year's Eve.

You have to understand
how surge pricing works.

I'm calling one.

Shit!
Andy must be using our account.

- You keep the car so clean.
Smooth on the brake.

[cell phone rings]
You're--oh, uh, so sorry.

It's the wife.
You two would love each other.

Maybe double date next week.

Hi, hon.
- Andy, I don't have time

to explain, but you've got to
get out of the Uber right now.

It's a pop culture emergency.

- Jill, I can't.
Our Uber rating is down.

Way down.
I have to get it back up.

- What?
What happened?

- I don't know,
but given the fact

that you refuse
to learn to drive,

I'd suggest we do everything

in our power
to save this relationship.

- Okay, fine, just fix it.

- [gasps]
Shit! Look!

Someone else is heading
for the tickets!

Double shit!
I accidentally liked it.

- Okay, we gotta figure out
another way to get downtown.

What are those yellow things
we used to take?

This is so retro.

- Yeah, it's like being
in a covered wagon.

Look at the meter,
and the divider.

[sighs]
A money slot thing.

I remember these.
- Yeah, but I'd forgotten

about the B.O.

- [gasps]
Oh, no!

Four more people are
going after our tickets.

[cell phone ringing]
- Wait.

Ugh!

[groans]

Hey, Brooke,
um, I can't talk right now.

We're desperately seeking
"Hamilton" tickets.

- Oh, yeah, J'neece told me
you hadn't seen it.

I feel so empty for you.

Hey, do you want me to see
if she could get you tickets?

- Why, does Janice have
a "Hamilton" connection?

- Well, she's very plugged
into hip-hop,

but not drugs, unfortunately.

Do you know
where one could score drugs?

- Um, 17 years ago people got
them at Tompkins Square Park,

I think.
- You want me to go to da Bronx?

- Look at a map, Brooke.
Okay, bye.

- [growls]
One of our ticket cockblockers

just posted that
she's four blocks away,

and running in sneakers!

- Oh, my God, on Prancer,
on Dancer, on Blitzen!

[mimics whip cracking]
[car horn honks]

We're not moving.

All right,
on second thought, sir,

I think we're just gonna
get out.

Okay, thank you.

- Jill, we have to pay!
It's not Uber, we have to pay!

- Shit!
I forgot about that.

What a hassle.

Okay.

Why are the buttons not
responding?

Am I not a human temperature?

- Look, just--
[gasps]

It tipped $9,000!

Just go!
- Okay, okay.

- I'll catch up.
- Okay.

[rock music]

Run like the wind!

[rock music]

- We're here.
- Do you have the tickets?

- You're too late.
- No!

- [vomiting]
[both groaning and gagging]

- Oh, my God.
- You're killing us!

- [groans and vomits]
- Feel better!

[dramatic music]

*

- Molly?

Molly?

Molly?
Molly, molly?

Molly?

Oh, molly?

Excuse me,

do you have any drugs
I might buy?

- We're on a date.

- And I'm a federal prosecutor.

- Oh, just kidding.

Inside joke.
[laughs nervously]

[cell phone chimes]

[groans]

Excuse me, sir,
do you happen to know

where I might find some...
illegal drugs?

- Not interested.

- Lady, you're
embarrassing yourself.

Follow me.

*

I got it all:

Weed, speed, poppers, crank,
crunk,

the discontinued beverage
Clearly Canadian,

Lexapro, "Hamilton" tickets.
What'll it be?

- I'd like to buy a molly,
please.

Or maybe more.
What's a teen dose?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't sell molly to kids.

I'm a drug dealer,
not a criminal.

- You're right.

Ila is just a child.

- No pressure,
but my theater company is

in previews for "Chernow: Life
of the Hamilton Biographer."

- [exhales]

- It's pay what you will.

- I guess we'll never
be satisfied.

- Yeah, we'll have
to wait for it.

So, should we do something else
we always wanted to do,

but never got around to?

- Like try pumpkin-spiced
lattes?

- I do always miss that window.
[cell phone rings]

- [sighs]
Brooke, hi.

I know you think I'm street,

but the only drug that
I can score for you is Advil.

- Jill, I'm about
to change your life.

I know how you can get
"Hamilton" tickets for tonight.

- Please tell me this is not
a "Joy" manifestation.

- It's not, but you do have

to go to a very dangerous part
of the ghetto.

Tell Jason I sent you.

[calming exotic music]

[grunts]

*

Ah!

- Honey, I hope you're
on your way to "Hamilton"

because I have some bad news.

We have been banned...

from Uber.

Please call me.

We can talk about how
we're gonna get through this.

I love you.

[melancholy music]

And I loved Uber.

*

- Hurry, Ila,
the horse and buggy guy said

they get very busy after 5:00,

and tie a sweater
around your waist, please.

It's supposed to get cold.

I'm bringing my hand sanitizer,

so there's no point
bringing yours.

- "Put von Weber
on BagBitch.net

"or I'll tell your mom
about your BFF molly.

"Welcome to New York.

XO B von W."

- Ugh! Bitch!

- I can't believe
we pulled this off.

- I can't believe Brooke
was our hookup.

[machine beeps]
I'm so excited.

- I know.
We're swimming with the stream.

Why did we resist for so long?

[machines beeps quickly]

- Ma'am, I'm afraid
this ticket's not valid.

- What?
- No!

- How could that drug dealer
sell us a fake ticket?

- So unprofessional.

- What do we do?

- You have to see it.

- You must be
out of your goddamn mind.

- Ma'am, I need you
to step to the side, please.

- Really, go.

At least one of us should know

what a "Hamilton"-gasm
feels like.

I'll go home
and binge-watch "Cheers."

People used to love that, right?

- [sighs]
Vaness, I feel so helpless.

[melancholy music]

- Enjoy it.

- [quietly]
No.

- I cannot believe you gave up
your "Hamilton" ticket.

- I can.
It meant so much

to that homeless guy.

- Maybe it'll change his life.

- Yeah, I don't need
my life changed.

I love my life.
- Ditto.

And "Hamilton" wasn't even
a good president, right?

- Vanessa, he was
Secretary of the Treasury.

- Wait, he wasn't
even president

and he gets a whole musical?

- [laughs]

I'll call for tickets tomorrow.

We'll see it when we're 50.

- I'm sure Ricky Martin
will make a great Hamilton.

[rock music]

- Javier Munoz.
No?

*

- This kid is insane, man.

*

- We're on a date.

*

- And I'm a federal prosecutor.

*

- Excuse me, sir.

*

- Ma'am, I need you
to step to the side, please.

*

- For more "Odd Mom Out,"
go to Bravotv.com.

[seagulls cawing]
- Oh, dear.

- Left, right, left, right,
left, right!