All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S01E08_English

(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo
scripted original series.

Yes, I--
No, I completely understand,

and I apologize profusely.

It will
never happen again.

What did you do now?
Let me hold those.

That was the preschool
ripping me a new ing.

They rip you a new one
every day.

They're abusive.

Hazel started
this new badminton clinic--

bane of my existence--

that starts right at the same
time as the twins' pickup,

so I've been late
a couple times,

but what
am I supposed to do?

As my dad says,
you can't dance

at two bar mitzvahs
with one tuches.

Maybe it's time to get over
your nanny complex

and hire someone.

Sorry, but I am not gonna be one
of those women

who doesn't work
and has a nanny.

Yeah, what are they doing
all day, other than not eating?

Blowouts, luncheons,

and committee meetings
for their charities.

I have one tomorrow for
Brooke's stupid Nacho event.

Okay, if that isn't a wake-up
call to get back to work,

then I don't know what is.

Trust me, I am planning
on going back to work

once the twins
start kindergarten,

unless they don't
get in anywhere,

in which case I'll be
homeschooling them.

Well, I wouldn't judge you for
hiring a nanny, for the record.

Do you know how expensive
a nanny is?

No, and I don't have time
to find out.

- I have to run back to work.
- Oh, no, you can't!

I have all these ideas
for your 40th birthday--

male strippers,
hung like a daikon.

Yes, next time.
Mwah.

[smooches]
Love you.

[crunches]

I didn't have lunch.

♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪

♪♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪♪

No, I would never use
that florist again.

She wore overalls when
she delivered the centerpieces.

So sorry, I had
the craziest morning

trying to get
the kids to school.

Miles had his first accident
in over a year--

total "code brown" situation
on Madison Avenue.

Make an amendment to
the Nacho Gala meeting notes

that Jill Weber did,
in fact, show up.

So we need a great theme
for the Nacho Gala.

Fat kids around the world
are counting on our creativity.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Already been done.
NAG, Nut Allergy Gala.

Gay Paris.

MAST, Mothers
Against Strep Throat.

Game of Thrones.

I am going to pretend
I didn't hear that.

- '80s prom.
- Bright lights, big hair?

Desperately seeking
shoulder pads?

Literally having PTSD flashbacks
of my real nose.

Sorry.

It's brilliant,
just brilliant.

It'll inspire those chunks
to get fit for prom.

Plus, I never had a prom.

I was too busy
training for Nagano.

Motion to accept '80s prom?

- Motion accepted.
- Accepted.

Rad!

You know that
I live for my kids,

but sometimes it's hard
not to miss the old days.

You remember
how sex used to be?

Oh, man, I hope I'm not coming
down with what Miles had.

It just sucks

that you can't touch their boobs
anymore, right?

Well, I think right after
they give birth, they're sore.

No, I mean, like, ever.

Sorry. Brooke never
lets you touch her boobs?

Of course not.

You can't touch their boobs
after they had a baby.

- [snickers, coughs]
- What?

Nothing.

Does Jill let you
touch hers?

That is not fair.

Everyone's different.
[coughing]

I am definitely getting sick.

Now, who's up for lobster rolls
with no buns in Kennebunkport.

Wheels up, bitches!

I wish I could go,
but I can't.

Relax, I have to be back
by 4:30 for physical therapy.

Come on, let's haul ass
to Teterboro.

I have to pick up my kids.

Jill, you've got to staff up

so you can lean in
to motherhood.

I don't think that's
what Sheryl Sandberg meant.

Trust me, I know
what I'm talking about.

Sheryl and I
are Facebook friends.

She likes basically
everything I post.

I don't know.
I just feel too guilty
having a full-time nanny.

It's just not
how I was raised.

Jill, you were
30 minutes late

to the most important
meeting of your life.

You guys can afford it

now that Andy is making
real money at Hercules.

Plus, you smell like...

children,

even from here.

[sniffing]

Help me help you.
Get some help.

How's tomorrow?

Isn't it easier to just go
through a nanny agency?

I'm better than an agency.

You need to observe them
in their natural habitat.

Move in
and bring them home.

You just described poaching.

Don't tell me you have
a problem with that too.

Okay, what's his deal?
Is he a "manny"?

No, that is the freaky
stay-at-home dad.

He's probably
a failed novelist.

Tibetans are
the "it" nannies right now,

but they're
impossible to find.

Jamaican nannies
are know-it-alls,

but they'll love
your kids to death.

Okay, you do realize those are
gross generalizations, right?

That one's Mormon.
They're great.

They don't drink,
and they don't go out at night.

The Serbian nannies
follow the kids around

like Obama's Secret Service.

The kids are safe
but on edge,

like Sasha and Malia--
also my Facebook friends.

Hold the phone.
Mingler in the white uniform.

And notice she's attentive

but just far enough away
to give the child freedom.

Manners.

She's like a Filipino
Mary Poppins.

Nanny crush!

Now approach her
and tell her

you wish you had
a nanny just like her.

If she seems hesitant,

offer to double her pay
and throw in some swag.

I'd stay,
but I have PT.

Again?

What, did you pull
a muscle or something?

Um, just
an old skiing injury.

Oh, here she comes.

Toodles.

I thought I was
the only one

who washed oranges
before cutting into them.

[laughs]

I even wash cantaloupe,
grapefruit, pineapple.

It's kept Hugo healthy
for years.

He's very lucky
to have you.

So do you have
any friends

who are as conscientious
as you are?

How many kids?
Are they potty trained?

Do you allow gluten
in the house?

Three kids,
potty trained-ish,

and we are very
pro-gluten.

I've never done this before,
but I am very unhappy.

If you will match my salary,

throw in a Canada goose coat
and a Burberry umbrella,

we can talk.

(Hadassa)
Now tighten and relax.

And tighten and relax.

Work that pelvic floor.

Now squeeze.
Squeeze.

I am squeezing.

Oi.

Hadassa, your people say that
in times of disappointment.

What else can I do
to tighten up down there?

I was told
that you're the best,

but I'm still
so loosey-goosey.

I felt the same way
after my first one.

But 11 kids later,
my vaginal walls

are tighter than
a tennis racket.

I think it's time
to bring out the big guns.

This is called e-stim.

It's short for
"electronic stimulation."

It works wonders.

So which one
of these probes

most closely resembles
your husband's penis, okay?

This one?

Smaller.

This one?

Smaller.

This one?

Um...

smaller.

We are talking
about an erect penis here.

[chuckles]
He makes up for it
in other ways.

This one?

And that brings us
back to the living room.

Welcome to Casa de Weber.

Thank you, Mrs. Weber.

I assume I am not
allowed upstairs?

First of all, call me Jill,
and there is no upstairs.

And you don't have
to wear that uniform.

Do you have something more
comfortable you can change into?

- Of course.
- Great.

If you're unhappy
about anything,

you just let me know.

We're a team.

Jill and Rowena--
Jillwena.

(Andy)
Hi. I'm sick.

Oh, my God. Rowena, this is
my husband, Andy.

Nice to meet you.
Oh, my head is a cinder block,

I got golf balls
in my throat...

- I'll get you some Tylenol.
- It's not gonna help!

[coughing]
Nothing's gonna help.

[whispering]
He's the biggest baby
when he's sick.

True for all men,
but in my country,

we treat with food,
not medicine.

Come to bed.

I will make you
my homemade chicken soup.

My nanny Yaya used to make that.
With noodles and dill?

- Mm-hmm. You got it.
- Daddy's home!

Guys, guys, guys,
no, no, no.

Daddy can't. He has plague.
There's plague upon us.

My dumplings!

We are going
to play a wonderful game

called "Gather Washcloths
For Daddy."

[children shouting]

[chuckles]
You are magical.

All right, Andy, honey,
I got to get you to bed.

Oh, Jill, please.
You just relax.

I am here now.

Come on.

[line trilling]

[cell phone rings]
- Hey.

I just hired a nanny.
Me.

Really?

Does that mean
you're going back to work?

Definitely...
eventually...

at some point.

Anyway, I'm just test-driving
the nanny thing right now,

and so far, it is crystal meth
and crack in a blender.

Do you want to grab coffee?
I'm dying to plan your birthday.

Yes, but I'll need a real drink
after the shift I'm having.

The diner in ten?

Perfect. I'm literally
walking out the door,

because I can--
I have a nanny.

Rowena, I see you got
more comfortable.

I was just stepping out.

We have a big problem
on our hands.

I'm sorry.
I must quit.

What?

[sirens wailing]

[voice mail beeps]

Jill, I'm at the diner
waiting for you...

getting concerned looks
about my mid-morning rosé.

Call me.

Hey, relax.
I'm a doctor.

I just got off my shift.

This is technically
my happy hour.

Jillian, hey!

Hi. I thought you
were meeting a friend.

So did I.

If it makes you feel better,

I was once
aggressively recruited

by an AA sponsor here.

We spent the last three hours
pumping raspberry cosmos

out of
a 10th grader's stomach.

Can you blame us
for needing a drink?

(both)
Cheers.

[glasses clink]

I still don't understand
why you want to quit.

[exhales sharply]

[both coughing]

I am allergic to dust.

You hire a maid,
or I must leave.

No, I already have one--
Sofia.

- I know she's not the best.
- She's terrible.

Okay, I'll hire another
housekeeper. Done.

But I will be out tomorrow.
My kids' school is closed.

Well, bring them over.
My kids will love it.

Fine.
I must get back to work.

Oh, what is my problem?

I can't believe
I'm just shopping!

It feels so decadent!

I just don't know
why I resisted

this nanny thing
for so long.

I mean, my kids are happy.
My husband's happy.

I showered and
actually shaved both legs.

You will never go back.

I just hope Rowena likes

the housekeeper
you're sending over.

Jill, you can't worry
about the nanny.

She works for you.

If Rowena's not happy,
I'm not happy.

You are such a socialist.

I'm just glad
that you are enjoying

the perks of motherhood.

Isn't it nice
having money?

Kind of.

Oh, let's grab a drink
at ABC Kitchen.

Yeah!

Rowena, guess what.

Shh.

[whispering]
Sorry.

My sister-in-law got us
a really great housekeeper

And I got the name
of an immigration lawyer

for your cousin.

- Why are we whispering?
- I just got the kids down.

Oh, I missed them?

I guess it's later
than I thought.

Well, I guess
I'll go check on Andy.

No, no, no, no, no.
I just got him down too.

Oh, well, I'll make
the kids' lunches.

Already done.

Check Hazel's homework?
Start the laundry?

- Set the coffee?
- It's all done.

I'll take out
the recycling.

Done.

Okay, well I guess
I'll just slam back

some valium and wine
and sleep for two days.

Would you like me
to open the bottle?

I was kidding.

[slowed]
There's nothing

for you
to do, Jill.

Nothing.

See you tomorrow.

Nothing.

So now that I have
a full-time nanny

and two housekeepers,
I'm wondering,

what do you guys still do,
I mean, for your kids?

Well, I always
give them their baths.

Oh.

Wait. I don't really
do that anymore.

Oh.

I still do
the girls' hair.

You do?

Oh, scratch that.
Kasey's the hair wizard.

I mean, she did mine today.

Oh, pretty.

I read to them
before bed...

unless I'm at the 7:00
Move Your Booty class.

Which is every
weeknight, right?

No, no, it's just Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

I wish they had a Friday
class, but they don't.

I mean, you probably all still
eat dinner together, right?

Sometimes?

- Not really.
- I wait for Lex.

I don't eat dinner.

[door opens, closes]

Hey.

Hey, nuggets,
I missed you.

Hi, Dakota.
Hi, Madison.

Shh. Rowena's teaching us how
to make friendship bracelets.

Okay, sorry.
How's everyone else doing?

I have your sandwiches.

Manama,
turkey no cheese.

Sofia, apple brie
and honey mustard.

And for my goddess, Ro,
veggie burger, no bun.

I can call you Ro, right?

No, Rowena, please.

- Sorry.
- [coughing]

Andy, what are you
doing out of bed?

Manama said she had
to change the sheets.

- The sheets can wait.
[dog barks]

Aah! Why is there a dog
in my house?

Fazile is like my child.

If Rowena may bring her kids,
I will bring my Fazile.

Rowena,
can I have some milk?

It's Mommy.
You know what?

I'm going to take you all
to the Met tomorrow.

That won't work.

They have a playdate
with the Yelins.

Okay, well,
I'll take them Thursday.

Mo Willems is reading
at the library.

(Andy)
Somebody bring
me a tissue box!

Coming!

No, no, no.
That's what I'm here for.

(Jillian)
Did you watch
the finale last night?

I was bawling.

What are you talking about?
I was laughing, it was so bad.

- Oh, good.
- Hi.

You made it.
This is Jillian.

- Hi.
- Hi.

She's the one saving my life
on the graveyard shift.

Oh, right, right.

Sorry.
Am I intruding?

No, not at all.

I've been hearing
all about you.

- Have a seat.
- Sit.

Oh, thanks.

So, is Jillian with a "G"?

Nope, I'm a "J" girl.

Same here.

[both chuckle awkwardly]

Anyway, I thought we were going
to talk birthday stuff,

but we can do that
another time.

It's done.
Jillian had the best idea.

Tortilla Flats--
no fuss, no muss.

What more do I need.
Right?

I guess,
if that's what you want.

Um, should I see about
renting out the whole place?

Oh, Jillian knows
the manager.

It's taken care of.

What if I book
a mariachi band

and get a piñata
and little sombreros maybe?

Relax, there's nothing
for you to do.

[slowed]
Nothing.

[cell phone ringing]
- Oh, sorry.

Hello?

I always buy
their clothes.

Huh?

That's what I still do
for my kids.

It was driving me crazy.

I am very involved
in their fashion.

Okay, good for you.
Sorry.

[cell phone ringing]
- Oh, shoot.

Sorry.
It's my nanny.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

Hi, Rowena.

[Vanessa and Jillian
speaking indistinctly]

[scoffs]
Sorry.

Okay, I'm coming.
I'm coming.

Sorry. You would
not believe this.

My new housekeeper made
my old housekeeper walk the dog,

and now my nanny's
going totally shááhouse.

Like, shoot me!

And I have to find
a drugstore

that sells
the right Swiffers.

Anyway, I have to run now.

But it was really nice
meeting you.

Bye, honey.
I'll call you later.

Bye.

I have no idea
who that was.

Oi.
Oi yoi yoi yoi.

Hadassa, how much longer is
this therapy going to take?

With his putz
and your shmundie,

it's not
a good shidduch.

It could take
another 6 to 12 months of work

if you want to avoid surgery

that anyone
with any sechel would.

Okay, I didn't understand
anything that you just said,

but I heard the word "surgery,"
and I want that.

I don't need
this alternative sháá.

But thank you so much.
Send me the bill.

Shabbat shalom!

It's not Shabbat!

"And oil was rubbed

"in the wounds of our Savior

to increase His suffering."

And that is the end
of chapter four

of Jesus' crucifixion.

One more chapter.
Come on.

Rowena!

(all)
Rowena! Rowena!...

Hi. Can I speak with you
for a second?

Yeah.

I ain't walking
no fáááing dog.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Honey, I can't do this.

I don't know
where I fit in.

I mean, the kids
are calling me Rowena.

You won't let me
check on you.

You hate taking care of me
when I'm sick.

That's true, and I also
hate making the kids' lunches,

but this is what
I signed up for, right?

I mean, I feel too guilty

having other people do
what I should be doing.

Well, you got to get
over that.

We're paying them to work,
plain and simple.

They're in our home,
taking care of our kids.

It's very personal.

Boris is having
an angioplasty tomorrow.

Who's Boris?

Manama's husband.
I'm very worried.

Jill, you need
to learn to detach.

My mother never used to worry
about any of this stuff.

I'm sure
she doesn't even know

if her housekeeper
has a husband.

I'm not your mother.

I'm sorry, hon.
I tried, but I can't do this.

You have to fire them all.
Let me know how it goes.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is your decision.
You're doing it. You.

Aah!

Okay, I'm doing this.

I'm scared.
I can't do this.

I have to go
to the bathroom again.

Listen to me.
Just be firm.

Keep it short, detached.
You can do it.

Guys,
I have some bad news.

I'm afraid
this isn't working out.

We're so happy
we found you,

and you've all been
such a big help

and a joy to be around.

And you're going
to get two months' salary.

What are
they trying to say?

I think
we're getting bonuses.

Oh, the timing
could not be better.

Guys, guys,
you're not getting bonuses.

It's severance.
Today will be your last day.

- No, no.
- What? No, he no say that.

- No.
- Sorry.

I'm sorry, and I will write
you all recommendations

that glow in the dark.

And I hope we can
all be friends, right?

Keep in touch.

Help yourself to some
mini muffins on the way out.

You can keep
your fáááing mini muffins.

[line trilling]

[cell phone ringing]
- Hey!

(Jill)
Jillian seems cool.

Sorry, what?

Jillian seems cool.
Sorry I was so distracted.

I got rid of the entire staff,
for what it's worth.

I hope
I don't regret it.

I'm sorry, I'm catching
every other word.

Oh, just nothing.

So--so, Tortilla Flats--

do you want to do
something more special?

Sorry.
It's really hard to hear.

We'll talk tomorrow.

Sure. You go do your thing.
What time do you--

[cell phone beeping]
- Hello?

[distant crash]

What was that?

(Hazel)
Sorry. I knocked
over the fish bowl.

Oh, sháá.

(Miles)
Mommy, I had
another accident!

Again?
Seriously?

All right,
I'll get the wipes.

(Andy)
I think I'm going to be sick.

- [retching]
- Oh, my God.

(Hazel)
There's water everywhere!

- [gasps]
- Rowena, you scared me.

I came back
to return my key,

and I thought you might
reconsider keeping me on

in a way
that works for you.

Thank you, but--

(Andy)
Oh, God, here it comes again!

(Miles)
The doodie's everywhere!

All right, you take the puke.
I'll take the sháá.

Done.

Jillwena!
Jillwena!

Jillwena!

(Jill)
For more Odd Mom Out,
go to bravotv.com.

[seagulls crying]
- Oh, dear.

(woman)
Left, right, left,
right, left right!