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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,999 --> 00:00:15,999 (male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:15,999 --> 00:00:17,999 (Hazel) Hi, Aunt Vanessa. (Vanessa) Hi, guys. 3 00:00:17,999 --> 00:00:18,999 (Jill) We're going to Brooklyn. 4 00:00:18,999 --> 00:00:19,999 (train conductor) There's a Brooklyn-bound fifth train. 5 00:00:19,999 --> 00:00:22,999 Transfers available for the four train. 6 00:00:22,999 --> 00:00:24,999 (Jill) Are we there yet? 7 00:00:24,999 --> 00:00:25,999 (Vanessa) Calm down, we're almost there. 8 00:00:25,999 --> 00:00:27,999 (train conductor) This train is no longer in service. 9 00:00:27,999 --> 00:00:28,999 [muffled announcement] 10 00:00:28,999 --> 00:00:29,999 (Jill) What the hell is he saying? 11 00:00:29,999 --> 00:00:30,999 (train conductor) Thank you. 12 00:00:30,999 --> 00:00:31,999 (Hazel) Just a few more stops, mom. 13 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,999 (Jill) [groans] [alert tones] 14 00:00:33,999 --> 00:00:35,999 (train conductor) Next stop, Grand Army Plaza. 15 00:00:35,999 --> 00:00:37,999 Stand clear of the closing doors please. 16 00:00:37,999 --> 00:00:39,999 (Jill) Finally! 17 00:00:39,999 --> 00:00:42,999 I think I just went through menopause on that subway ride. 18 00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:45,999 I hate schlepping to Brooklyn. 19 00:00:45,999 --> 00:00:47,999 Whoa! 20 00:00:47,999 --> 00:00:49,999 I'm sorry. I this the Champs-Elysées? 21 00:00:49,999 --> 00:00:50,999 Not too shabby. 22 00:00:50,999 --> 00:00:53,999 Explains why everyone's so smug about living here. 23 00:00:53,999 --> 00:00:55,999 1This way. 24 00:00:55,999 --> 00:00:57,999 I still can't believe Krista moved to Brooklyn. 25 00:00:57,999 --> 00:00:59,999 I can't believe Krista's still alive. 26 00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:01,999 Remember that night at the Soho house 27 00:01:01,999 --> 00:01:03,999 when she showed up in that feathery bikini thing, 28 00:01:03,999 --> 00:01:05,999 begging us to do E with her? 29 00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:06,999 Mommy, what's E? 30 00:01:06,999 --> 00:01:09,999 Oh, my God, look at that huge dog. 31 00:01:09,999 --> 00:01:11,999 Thanks a lot. 32 00:01:11,999 --> 00:01:13,999 Hey, Hazel. 33 00:01:13,999 --> 00:01:15,999 That's what real pregnant bellies look like. 34 00:01:15,999 --> 00:01:17,999 They actually pop out. 35 00:01:17,999 --> 00:01:19,999 Ugh, it's like preggo-palooza here. 36 00:01:19,999 --> 00:01:20,999 There better be some single people 37 00:01:20,999 --> 00:01:22,999 at this housewarming or we're ditching. 38 00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:24,999 Fine, done. Krista can't last 39 00:01:24,999 --> 00:01:27,999 more than two hours at a party without passing out anyway. 40 00:01:27,999 --> 00:01:30,999 Why does Krista always pass out? 41 00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:32,999 Oh, look, another huge dog. 42 00:01:32,999 --> 00:01:34,999 [punk rock music] 43 00:01:34,999 --> 00:01:36,999 ♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪ 44 00:01:36,999 --> 00:01:39,999 ♪♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪♪ 45 00:01:54,999 --> 00:01:59,999 Holy frackin' Shiite. Is that a tree house? 46 00:01:59,999 --> 00:02:00,999 This place is incredible. 47 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,000 They have a trampoline! 48 00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:04,999 Have fun. 49 00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:07,999 Look at this crowd. They're so chill. 50 00:02:07,999 --> 00:02:10,999 I don't see any white cigarette leg jeans, 51 00:02:10,999 --> 00:02:13,999 not a lick of mascara, no silicone. 52 00:02:13,999 --> 00:02:15,999 In fact, I have the perkiest boobs at this party. 53 00:02:15,999 --> 00:02:19,999 (Vanessa) All I see are breeders, and yuck, do we all need 54 00:02:19,999 --> 00:02:21,999 a front row seat to the pepperoni nipple show? 55 00:02:21,999 --> 00:02:23,999 Guys, you made it! 56 00:02:23,999 --> 00:02:26,999 Krista, I'm having a total real estate boner. 57 00:02:26,999 --> 00:02:29,999 [laughs] Come down. 58 00:02:34,999 --> 00:02:35,999 (Vanessa) Krista, you look amazing. 59 00:02:35,999 --> 00:02:37,999 Thank you. 60 00:02:37,999 --> 00:02:38,999 Your boyfriend's such a sweetheart. 61 00:02:38,999 --> 00:02:39,999 How'd you guys meet? 62 00:02:39,999 --> 00:02:43,999 N.A. Narcotics Anonymous. 63 00:02:43,999 --> 00:02:44,999 - Oh, no way. - Seriously? 64 00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,999 Good for you. 65 00:02:46,999 --> 00:02:47,999 If you don't mind my asking, did you hit, like, 66 00:02:47,999 --> 00:02:49,999 a rock bottom moment? 67 00:02:49,999 --> 00:02:51,999 Did you wake up in a dumpster in Philadelphia or something? 68 00:02:51,999 --> 00:02:54,999 Actually, you. 69 00:02:55,999 --> 00:02:56,999 You were my rock bottom. 70 00:02:56,999 --> 00:02:57,999 - Me? - Her? 71 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,000 Yeah. 4:00 in the afternoon, 72 00:02:59,999 --> 00:03:01,999 I'd just given head to the bus boy at Bar Polo 73 00:03:01,999 --> 00:03:03,999 in exchange for a bump, 74 00:03:03,999 --> 00:03:04,999 and I walked out onto third avenue, 75 00:03:04,999 --> 00:03:07,999 and I'm wiping coke and jizz off my face, 76 00:03:07,999 --> 00:03:09,999 and I see you across the street, 77 00:03:09,999 --> 00:03:11,999 pregnant, and pushing a stroller. 78 00:03:11,999 --> 00:03:15,999 And I say to myself, "Self, how did this happen?" 79 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,000 And then, I thought a thousand things real fast 80 00:03:17,999 --> 00:03:19,999 'cause of the coke, you know, but that-- 81 00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:22,999 that was my first step to recovery. 82 00:03:22,999 --> 00:03:23,999 Um-- 83 00:03:23,999 --> 00:03:26,999 Don't worry about it. It's a process. 84 00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,999 My bread! Oh, thank you, honey. 85 00:03:28,999 --> 00:03:30,999 I was her rock bottom. 86 00:03:30,999 --> 00:03:31,999 I heard. 87 00:03:31,999 --> 00:03:33,999 Oh, bread. 88 00:03:33,999 --> 00:03:35,999 I got to get a picture of Grenoui with the bread. 89 00:03:35,999 --> 00:03:37,999 What is with the frog? 90 00:03:37,999 --> 00:03:39,999 This is Grenoui. It's Hazel's class frog, 91 00:03:39,999 --> 00:03:42,999 and each kid takes it home for the weekend 92 00:03:42,999 --> 00:03:44,999 and records his adventures in a big class journal. 93 00:03:44,999 --> 00:03:47,999 According to Hazel, he's been to The Great Wall of China, 94 00:03:47,999 --> 00:03:49,999 a bunch of the Spielbergs, and Camp David. 95 00:03:49,999 --> 00:03:51,999 - [chuckles] - True, but... 96 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:53,999 he's never had bread before, so we're popping 97 00:03:53,999 --> 00:03:55,999 his gluten cherry in Brookles. 98 00:03:55,999 --> 00:03:58,999 Oh, now--Adrian. Adrian, come here. Come here. 99 00:03:58,999 --> 00:04:00,999 I want you to meet my college friends Jill and Vanessa. 100 00:04:00,999 --> 00:04:03,999 Oh, so cute! Congratulations. 101 00:04:03,999 --> 00:04:06,999 Oh, so tiny. 102 00:04:06,999 --> 00:04:09,999 Ooh, I better get this. Might be the hospital. 103 00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:10,999 What an angel. 104 00:04:10,999 --> 00:04:13,999 Actually, this was my toughest birth. 105 00:04:13,999 --> 00:04:14,999 After 40 hours of labor, 106 00:04:14,999 --> 00:04:17,999 I was still only 1 centimeter dilated. 107 00:04:17,999 --> 00:04:20,999 Finally, my midwife decided it was time to- 108 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,999 Caesar salad that crouton right out of there? 109 00:04:22,999 --> 00:04:25,999 Yeah. I felt like such a failure. 110 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:28,999 I mean, I hadn't even read the chapter on... 111 00:04:28,999 --> 00:04:29,999 [whispering] C-sections, 112 00:04:29,999 --> 00:04:33,999 'cause I never dreamed I would be one of those people. 113 00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:35,999 [laughs] 114 00:04:35,999 --> 00:04:36,999 What? 115 00:04:36,999 --> 00:04:39,999 It's just I come from a very different planet. 116 00:04:39,999 --> 00:04:41,999 [dance music playing] 117 00:04:41,999 --> 00:04:44,999 [whistling] 118 00:04:44,999 --> 00:04:46,999 [breathing deeply] 119 00:04:46,999 --> 00:04:48,999 Look at you. 120 00:04:48,999 --> 00:04:51,999 One day before baby numero quatro, 121 00:04:51,999 --> 00:04:53,999 and you are still rocking those abs. 122 00:04:53,999 --> 00:04:56,999 If you get your core toned enough before a C-section, 123 00:04:56,999 --> 00:04:59,999 the surgeon can just slice through it like a sushi chef. 124 00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:02,999 - It really reduces scarring. - Oh. 125 00:05:02,999 --> 00:05:03,999 Okay, back to the punch list. 126 00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:05,999 We have a lot to get done before tomorrow. 127 00:05:05,999 --> 00:05:06,999 I'm all over it. I just checked in 128 00:05:06,999 --> 00:05:08,999 with the photographer, social media manager, 129 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,000 wardrobe designer, and eastern medicine consultant. 130 00:05:11,999 --> 00:05:13,999 Everyone's up to speed. 131 00:05:14,999 --> 00:05:17,999 Brookie, what is it? 132 00:05:17,999 --> 00:05:20,999 You look so sad. 133 00:05:20,999 --> 00:05:24,999 I'm just...so fat, 134 00:05:24,999 --> 00:05:28,999 and I guess I'm just feeling sentimental, 135 00:05:28,999 --> 00:05:30,999 thinking about little Rutherford. 136 00:05:30,999 --> 00:05:32,999 He's not gonna be the baby anymore. 137 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,999 Aww, that is so sweet. 138 00:05:34,999 --> 00:05:37,999 You want to spend some alone time with the little guy today? 139 00:05:37,999 --> 00:05:38,999 No, God no. 140 00:05:38,999 --> 00:05:41,999 No, I think I just want to do something special for him. 141 00:05:41,999 --> 00:05:44,999 I need to feel connected. 142 00:05:44,999 --> 00:05:47,999 In fact-- [groans] 143 00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:49,999 Crystal, angel? 144 00:05:49,999 --> 00:05:52,999 Meet me in the kitchen. 145 00:05:52,999 --> 00:05:55,999 [rock music playing] 146 00:05:55,999 --> 00:05:56,999 [overlapping chatter] 147 00:05:56,999 --> 00:05:58,999 [French horn blowing] 148 00:06:02,999 --> 00:06:07,999 Mm, not that guy. He looks dead inside. 149 00:06:07,999 --> 00:06:10,999 How do you know that's not my type? 150 00:06:10,999 --> 00:06:14,999 I'd say I don't usually do this, but that'd be a lie. 151 00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,999 Oh, I get it. I mean, why come to a party 152 00:06:16,999 --> 00:06:17,999 where you could actually talk to people 153 00:06:17,999 --> 00:06:20,999 when you can just scroll through 'em on your tiny computer? 154 00:06:20,999 --> 00:06:22,999 Hey, do not knock my tiny computer. 155 00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:25,999 It's so pretty and smart. 156 00:06:25,999 --> 00:06:28,999 Yeah, it's smart 'cause it's stealing all your brain cells. 157 00:06:28,999 --> 00:06:30,999 I just read this piece on HuffPo 158 00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:32,999 about how if you take a break, even for a day, 159 00:06:32,999 --> 00:06:34,999 from your phone, it can add years to your life. 160 00:06:34,999 --> 00:06:38,999 I'm guessing you read that on your phone? 161 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,999 Yes, I did. 162 00:06:41,999 --> 00:06:42,999 I'm Elliot by the way. 163 00:06:42,999 --> 00:06:45,999 Vanessa, by the way. 164 00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:54,999 College educated, totally stumped. 165 00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:57,999 I'm going with hard plastic. 166 00:06:57,999 --> 00:07:00,999 So Krista tells me you're that one's mom? 167 00:07:00,999 --> 00:07:03,999 Depends. Was she dancing like a stripper again? 168 00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:04,999 Because I swear, she's just 169 00:07:04,999 --> 00:07:06,999 trying to pay her way through grade school. 170 00:07:06,999 --> 00:07:08,999 Actually, we just had 171 00:07:08,999 --> 00:07:10,999 the most fascinating conversation about Icarus. 172 00:07:10,999 --> 00:07:11,999 And I see a lot of kids in my work, 173 00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,999 and she is a very sophisticated thinker. 174 00:07:13,999 --> 00:07:16,999 Wow, that's so nice to hear. 175 00:07:16,999 --> 00:07:17,999 - Where do you work? - St. Anne's, in Admissions. 176 00:07:17,999 --> 00:07:19,999 Yeah, I know I'm biased, 177 00:07:19,999 --> 00:07:22,999 but it's such an unusual school. 178 00:07:22,999 --> 00:07:23,999 For one thing, we don't give grades. 179 00:07:23,999 --> 00:07:26,999 No grades, ever, at all? 180 00:07:26,999 --> 00:07:28,999 Well, how do you know you're doing better than everyone else? 181 00:07:28,999 --> 00:07:30,999 Exactly. 182 00:07:30,999 --> 00:07:32,999 We think the world needs more questioners, not followers. 183 00:07:32,999 --> 00:07:35,999 I totally agree. Can I go there? 184 00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:38,999 Off the record, we just heard that one of our families 185 00:07:38,999 --> 00:07:39,999 is relocating to London 186 00:07:39,999 --> 00:07:41,999 to star in the spinoff of Downton Abbey, 187 00:07:41,999 --> 00:07:42,999 so there might be openings. 188 00:07:42,999 --> 00:07:45,999 I think Hazel would be a great fit. 189 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:46,999 So let me know if you're interested. 190 00:07:48,999 --> 00:07:51,999 [peaceful string music playing] 191 00:07:51,999 --> 00:07:59,999 ♪♪ ♪♪ 192 00:08:02,999 --> 00:08:06,999 Yes, I'm interested. 193 00:08:10,999 --> 00:08:12,999 [upbeat vocals playing] 194 00:08:12,999 --> 00:08:15,999 Andy, honey, hi. Here's the deal. 195 00:08:15,999 --> 00:08:17,999 I think we belong in Brooklyn. 196 00:08:17,999 --> 00:08:19,999 I just met this Admissions woman from St. Anne's. 197 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:20,999 She's, like, in love with Hazel, 198 00:08:20,999 --> 00:08:23,999 and Krista lives in a palace 199 00:08:23,999 --> 00:08:26,999 for half of the cost of what we could get in our name. 200 00:08:26,999 --> 00:08:27,999 I really think we belong here. 201 00:08:27,999 --> 00:08:29,999 I mean, there are people with frizzy hair 202 00:08:29,999 --> 00:08:31,999 and hideous sandals with arched support. 203 00:08:31,999 --> 00:08:33,999 I'm excited. Call me. 204 00:08:33,999 --> 00:08:34,999 - Love ya. - Jill. 205 00:08:34,999 --> 00:08:36,999 Hey. There you are. 206 00:08:36,999 --> 00:08:37,999 Guys, this is Vanessa. 207 00:08:37,999 --> 00:08:40,999 Vanessa, these are actual cool moms. 208 00:08:40,999 --> 00:08:42,999 I found them. They're all in Brooklyn. 209 00:08:42,999 --> 00:08:44,999 Hi, cool moms. 210 00:08:44,999 --> 00:08:46,999 Nice to meet you. I'm the cool single friend. 211 00:08:46,999 --> 00:08:48,999 I'm actually gonna take off for a while. 212 00:08:48,999 --> 00:08:50,999 Really? The kids are about to play their glockenspiels. 213 00:08:50,999 --> 00:08:52,999 Oh, thanks for the warning. 214 00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,999 I met this possibly cute guy, one o'clock, 215 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,000 talking to pepperoni nips. 216 00:08:57,999 --> 00:08:58,999 He's a real estate agent. 217 00:08:58,999 --> 00:08:59,999 He found this house for Krista. 218 00:08:59,999 --> 00:09:02,999 Great. Can you have him find me one just like it? 219 00:09:02,999 --> 00:09:04,999 Oh! I love Brooklyn Jill. 220 00:09:04,999 --> 00:09:07,999 So he convinced me to try this kinky retro 221 00:09:07,999 --> 00:09:09,999 phone-free experiment. 222 00:09:09,999 --> 00:09:11,999 Can I trust you to babysit these until we get back? 223 00:09:11,999 --> 00:09:14,999 Well, what if I have to text you an emergency opinion? 224 00:09:14,999 --> 00:09:16,999 Oh, babe, just whisper it to the wind, 225 00:09:16,999 --> 00:09:19,999 and if it's truly juicy and bitchy, I'll hear it. 226 00:09:28,999 --> 00:09:30,999 You bake? 227 00:09:30,999 --> 00:09:32,999 How could I not know this about you? 228 00:09:32,999 --> 00:09:35,999 You know I don't like to talk about myself. 229 00:09:35,999 --> 00:09:38,999 This is Rutherford's favorite, coconut cream pie. 230 00:09:38,999 --> 00:09:40,999 The recipe's a snap. I'll send you the link. 231 00:09:40,999 --> 00:09:43,999 Send Devin the link. 232 00:09:48,999 --> 00:09:50,999 See? That's all you do. 233 00:09:50,999 --> 00:09:54,999 Aww, do you remember when I brought Rutherford home 234 00:09:54,999 --> 00:09:55,999 from the hospital? 235 00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:58,999 He was in that precious Bumpier onesie. 236 00:09:58,999 --> 00:09:59,999 Of course. How could I forget? 237 00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,999 Oh, my God. 238 00:10:02,999 --> 00:10:05,999 I haven't picked out the baby's coming home outfit. 239 00:10:05,999 --> 00:10:07,999 I have no idea who she's wearing. 240 00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:08,999 Okay, calme, calme. 241 00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,999 Don't tell me to "calmay." 242 00:10:10,999 --> 00:10:12,999 Call my entire staff. 243 00:10:12,999 --> 00:10:14,999 How could it fall through the cracks? 244 00:10:14,999 --> 00:10:17,999 Ugh! 245 00:10:17,999 --> 00:10:19,999 Oh, and save me a slice. 246 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,999 [approaching footsteps] 247 00:10:28,999 --> 00:10:29,999 Wow. 248 00:10:29,999 --> 00:10:31,999 I was just alone with my thoughts 249 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,999 for the first time in years. 250 00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:35,999 I think I resolved a few childhood traumas. 251 00:10:35,999 --> 00:10:37,999 Yup, can't remember the last time 252 00:10:37,999 --> 00:10:38,999 I peed without checking email. 253 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,000 Ah. Sorry, it's just been a while 254 00:10:41,999 --> 00:10:44,999 since I swiped anything. 255 00:10:44,999 --> 00:10:46,999 [chuckling] 256 00:10:46,999 --> 00:10:48,999 Martians could've landed at Trader Joe's, 257 00:10:48,999 --> 00:10:50,999 and you'd have no way of knowing. 258 00:10:50,999 --> 00:10:51,999 Well, here's to not knowing. 259 00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,999 To not knowing. 260 00:10:54,999 --> 00:10:56,999 What are you talking about? 261 00:10:56,999 --> 00:10:59,999 When people write "XO," the X is the kiss, 262 00:10:59,999 --> 00:11:01,999 and the O is the hug. Everyone knows this. 263 00:11:01,999 --> 00:11:02,999 No, it isn't. 264 00:11:02,999 --> 00:11:05,999 The X is the hug because you cross your arms like this, 265 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,999 and the O is the kiss because you pucker your lips like this. 266 00:11:07,999 --> 00:11:09,999 That would mean "XOXO" translates 267 00:11:09,999 --> 00:11:12,999 into "Hug, kiss, hug, kiss." Who says that? 268 00:11:12,999 --> 00:11:14,999 Everyone. Everyone says that. "Hugs and kisses." 269 00:11:14,999 --> 00:11:16,999 It's built into the basic fabric of our lexicon. 270 00:11:16,999 --> 00:11:20,999 You are so comically, embarrassingly wrong. 271 00:11:20,999 --> 00:11:22,999 I feel bad for you in advance 272 00:11:22,999 --> 00:11:23,999 when your wrongness is confirmed. 273 00:11:23,999 --> 00:11:25,999 Well, for now, we're just gonna have to sit, 274 00:11:25,999 --> 00:11:26,999 and be cool with not knowing. 275 00:11:26,999 --> 00:11:29,999 Fine, whatever. I can do that. 276 00:11:29,999 --> 00:11:31,999 So can I. 277 00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:36,999 - Check! - Check. 278 00:11:36,999 --> 00:11:37,999 - Now. - Get the check, please. 279 00:11:37,999 --> 00:11:38,999 Thank you. 280 00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,999 (Jill) Sorry. I'm a total idiot. 281 00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:42,999 Which one's the basil again? 282 00:11:42,999 --> 00:11:44,999 It's on your left. Grab a handful. 283 00:11:44,999 --> 00:11:46,999 Thank you. 284 00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:49,999 So is it safe to say you love living here? 285 00:11:49,999 --> 00:11:50,999 Oh, my God. 286 00:11:50,999 --> 00:11:52,999 Are you serious about moving to Brooklyn? 287 00:11:52,999 --> 00:11:55,999 Oh, I have never been happier. 288 00:11:55,999 --> 00:11:57,999 We love Allegra's charter school. 289 00:11:57,999 --> 00:11:59,999 Oh, they have this whole new approach to math that merges 290 00:11:59,999 --> 00:12:02,999 the scientific method with the Socratic one, 291 00:12:02,999 --> 00:12:04,999 and then, it combines the Talmud, dice, 292 00:12:04,999 --> 00:12:05,999 and hip-hop lyrics. 293 00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:07,999 Hmm, I still count on my fingers. 294 00:12:07,999 --> 00:12:09,999 There's also music and letters, 295 00:12:09,999 --> 00:12:10,999 where the kids write their own memoires 296 00:12:10,999 --> 00:12:12,999 and can choose between majoring in symphony, 297 00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:15,999 eastern music, or rock band. 298 00:12:15,999 --> 00:12:16,999 Rock band, please. 299 00:12:16,999 --> 00:12:17,999 There's also Brooklyn Perspectives, which has 300 00:12:17,999 --> 00:12:20,999 an organic rooftop farm and a cheese making program. 301 00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:22,999 - There's so many options. - Oh, yes. 302 00:12:22,999 --> 00:12:24,999 This is how it happens. 303 00:12:24,999 --> 00:12:25,999 You are so moving here. 304 00:12:25,999 --> 00:12:27,999 Hey, isn't there an open house on Bergen? 305 00:12:27,999 --> 00:12:30,999 Oh, Jill. Three stories, rooftop, deck. 306 00:12:30,999 --> 00:12:31,999 It's gonna go in a heartbeat. 307 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,000 I don't know. I mean, it's one thing to fantasize, 308 00:12:33,999 --> 00:12:35,999 but I haven't even talked to Andy about it. 309 00:12:35,999 --> 00:12:36,999 Just go. Have a look. 310 00:12:36,999 --> 00:12:38,999 It can't hurt. 311 00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:41,999 Yeah, I mean, it's only research, right? 312 00:12:41,999 --> 00:12:42,999 [rock music playing] 313 00:12:42,999 --> 00:12:45,999 The response has been overwhelming. 314 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,999 We've had three other bids already. 315 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000 Four. Hello! 316 00:12:50,999 --> 00:12:51,999 I'm bidding also. 317 00:12:51,999 --> 00:12:55,999 More than all of them. I'm moving here. 318 00:12:55,999 --> 00:12:58,999 ♪♪ Ahh ahh ahh ♪♪ 319 00:12:58,999 --> 00:13:02,999 ♪♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪♪ 320 00:13:06,999 --> 00:13:10,999 [rock music playing] 321 00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,999 - To Jill! - Whoo! 322 00:13:13,999 --> 00:13:14,999 Thanks, guys. 323 00:13:14,999 --> 00:13:16,999 My husband might divorce me, 324 00:13:16,999 --> 00:13:17,999 but at least I'll have cool mom friends. 325 00:13:17,999 --> 00:13:20,999 [chuckles] Allegra, honey, 326 00:13:20,999 --> 00:13:22,999 your hair is just beyond. 327 00:13:22,999 --> 00:13:25,999 How pretty are you? 328 00:13:25,999 --> 00:13:26,999 Ixnay. 329 00:13:26,999 --> 00:13:28,999 What? What'd I say? 330 00:13:28,999 --> 00:13:31,999 Well, kind of not supposed to focus on appearance with girls. 331 00:13:31,999 --> 00:13:33,999 It sends the wrong message, 332 00:13:33,999 --> 00:13:34,999 gender politics, blah, blah, blah. 333 00:13:34,999 --> 00:13:37,999 Oh, right, duh. Sorry. 334 00:13:37,999 --> 00:13:39,999 I just read your Frida Kahlo poem. 335 00:13:39,999 --> 00:13:42,999 You are such a little smarty-pants. 336 00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:43,999 Jill. 337 00:13:43,999 --> 00:13:44,999 What'd I do now? 338 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,000 It's just that you're really not 339 00:13:46,999 --> 00:13:48,999 supposed to tell them they're smart. 340 00:13:48,999 --> 00:13:51,999 Didn't you read that cover article in the Atlantic Monthly? 341 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:52,999 I must've missed it. 342 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,999 You're supposed to emphasize effort. 343 00:13:54,999 --> 00:13:56,999 You know, "Oh, you worked so hard on that." 344 00:13:56,999 --> 00:13:57,999 I mean, otherwise, it just screws them up. 345 00:13:57,999 --> 00:14:01,999 Jill! Jill! Jill Weber! I need my phone. 346 00:14:01,999 --> 00:14:02,999 - Phone! - I need my phone. 347 00:14:02,999 --> 00:14:04,999 - Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. - I need my phone. 348 00:14:04,999 --> 00:14:05,999 - I need my phone. - Hi. Nice to meet you. 349 00:14:05,999 --> 00:14:07,999 - It's Elliot? - Oh, my God. 350 00:14:07,999 --> 00:14:08,999 You know how you are at the end of Yom Kippur? 351 00:14:08,999 --> 00:14:09,999 You can't small talk? 352 00:14:09,999 --> 00:14:11,999 You just need the bagel and cream cheese? 353 00:14:11,999 --> 00:14:12,999 Give me the phone, skinny. 354 00:14:12,999 --> 00:14:14,999 Give us our bagel and cream cheese. 355 00:14:14,999 --> 00:14:17,999 Jeez. You do someone a favor. 356 00:14:17,999 --> 00:14:19,999 Oh, yeah. 357 00:14:19,999 --> 00:14:21,999 - You are going down. - Come on. 358 00:14:21,999 --> 00:14:22,999 Come on--Yes! 359 00:14:22,999 --> 00:14:24,999 Oh, God. Sháá. 360 00:14:24,999 --> 00:14:26,999 X means kiss. O means hug. 361 00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:27,999 Sháá, sháá. 362 00:14:27,999 --> 00:14:29,999 - I told you! I told you! - Yeah, you told me. 363 00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:32,999 Ahh! XO! Oooh! 364 00:14:32,999 --> 00:14:34,999 Should we be worried about Vanessa? 365 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,999 - Suck it. - I see it. 366 00:14:36,999 --> 00:14:39,999 TA is a serious thing, you know? 367 00:14:39,999 --> 00:14:41,999 Technology Addiction. 368 00:14:41,999 --> 00:14:43,999 [shouting] 369 00:14:43,999 --> 00:14:46,999 Maybe. 370 00:14:46,999 --> 00:14:49,999 [rock music playing] 371 00:14:49,999 --> 00:14:52,999 ♪♪ ♪♪ 372 00:14:52,999 --> 00:14:54,999 We have one day. 373 00:14:54,999 --> 00:14:58,999 One day, people, and none of these outfits are right. 374 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,999 Angel, I thought you were presenting me 375 00:15:01,999 --> 00:15:04,999 with seven or eight options. What happened with that? 376 00:15:04,999 --> 00:15:06,999 I did, Mrs. Von Weber, remember? 377 00:15:06,999 --> 00:15:07,999 You chose this. 378 00:15:07,999 --> 00:15:10,999 Well, then I was out of my mind 379 00:15:10,999 --> 00:15:12,999 because I wouldn't be caught dead in those colors, 380 00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,999 and neither would my baby. 381 00:15:14,999 --> 00:15:17,999 We're gonna need something else, stat. 382 00:15:17,999 --> 00:15:19,999 Brookie, do you want some Cool Whip? 383 00:15:19,999 --> 00:15:21,999 I think you might be LBS'ing big time. 384 00:15:21,999 --> 00:15:23,999 My blood sugar is fine. 385 00:15:23,999 --> 00:15:27,999 Honestly, I just want this bowling ball out of me, 386 00:15:27,999 --> 00:15:29,999 so I can be by myself. 387 00:15:29,999 --> 00:15:32,999 In fact, I want every person in this house 388 00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:34,999 who isn't me to leave. 389 00:15:34,999 --> 00:15:37,999 Do whatever you need to do to prepare for tomorrow. 390 00:15:37,999 --> 00:15:42,999 I need to be alone. 391 00:15:42,999 --> 00:15:44,999 - Alone? - Did she say, "alone?" 392 00:15:44,999 --> 00:15:45,999 She's never been here alone. 393 00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:46,999 What if she wants to do something? 394 00:15:46,999 --> 00:15:48,999 I don't think we should leave. 395 00:15:48,999 --> 00:15:50,999 - One of us should stay. - Not me. 396 00:15:50,999 --> 00:15:51,999 I said leave! 397 00:15:51,999 --> 00:15:56,999 Just go! 398 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:57,999 You are so brave. 399 00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,999 That means you too. 400 00:15:59,999 --> 00:16:01,999 Get out! 401 00:16:08,999 --> 00:16:11,999 [prolonged flatulence] 402 00:16:16,999 --> 00:16:19,999 [rock music playing] 403 00:16:19,999 --> 00:16:20,999 ♪♪ ♪♪ 404 00:16:20,999 --> 00:16:22,999 I go that way. 405 00:16:22,999 --> 00:16:24,999 Oh, I'm going that way, so... 406 00:16:24,999 --> 00:16:27,999 So aside from the fact that you owe me $10,000 407 00:16:27,999 --> 00:16:29,999 and a pint of Blue Marble ice cream, 408 00:16:29,999 --> 00:16:33,999 I'd say our little project luddite was a huge success. 409 00:16:33,999 --> 00:16:35,999 Yeah. It was fun. 410 00:16:35,999 --> 00:16:37,999 XO? 411 00:16:43,999 --> 00:16:45,999 Oh, my God. Are you on your phone again? 412 00:16:45,999 --> 00:16:46,999 Yeah. Sorry, it's an emergency. 413 00:16:46,999 --> 00:16:48,999 Oh. 414 00:16:48,999 --> 00:16:49,999 [cell phone chimes] 415 00:16:59,999 --> 00:17:02,999 (Jill) Guys, am I crazy for wanting to move here? 416 00:17:02,999 --> 00:17:04,999 No. You're gonna be so much happier here 417 00:17:04,999 --> 00:17:06,999 not being surrounded by all that ridiculous wealth. 418 00:17:06,999 --> 00:17:10,999 Well, I mean, you guys are doing okay too, right? 419 00:17:10,999 --> 00:17:13,999 That artisanal mustard is, what, 20 bucks a jar? 420 00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,999 Right, but for me, it's about values. 421 00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:16,999 I'd never raise my kids up there. 422 00:17:16,999 --> 00:17:18,999 I mean, it's just so homogenous. 423 00:17:18,999 --> 00:17:20,999 It's like a Tory Burch Messianic cult. 424 00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:23,999 It's white, rich, heterocentric. 425 00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:25,999 Well, that's not entirely true. 426 00:17:25,999 --> 00:17:28,999 There's a lot of really, really nice people up there. 427 00:17:28,999 --> 00:17:30,999 Mom, how do you spell quinoa? 428 00:17:30,999 --> 00:17:31,999 Nobody really knows. 429 00:17:31,999 --> 00:17:33,999 But I think it's Q-U- 430 00:17:33,999 --> 00:17:35,999 - Oh, no, no. Shh, shh. - What are you doing? 431 00:17:35,999 --> 00:17:37,999 No, no, do not tell them how to spell. 432 00:17:37,999 --> 00:17:40,999 Is this another article I missed? 433 00:17:40,999 --> 00:17:41,999 Is spelling sexist now? 434 00:17:41,999 --> 00:17:43,999 No, it's just not the way it's done. 435 00:17:43,999 --> 00:17:44,999 You're supposed to let them sound it out 436 00:17:44,999 --> 00:17:46,999 so you don't hamper their creativity. 437 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,999 But spelling's important. 438 00:17:48,999 --> 00:17:50,999 I mean, when do they learn how to spell? 439 00:17:50,999 --> 00:17:54,999 - Mom! - Aristotle, what? 440 00:17:54,999 --> 00:17:57,999 - I'm hungry! - Now? 441 00:17:57,999 --> 00:17:59,999 I have the bossiest children. 442 00:17:59,999 --> 00:18:00,999 - Mom! - All right. 443 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,000 Come on down, master. 444 00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,999 Every time he has a cookie, 445 00:18:05,999 --> 00:18:07,999 he has to wash it down with breast milk. 446 00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:09,999 Wait. Isn't he, like, five? 447 00:18:09,999 --> 00:18:10,999 Yeah, next week. 448 00:18:10,999 --> 00:18:13,999 He is growing up so fast. 449 00:18:13,999 --> 00:18:16,999 Dude, are you coming or not? I'm ready to go here. 450 00:18:16,999 --> 00:18:18,999 Hazel, five minute warning. 451 00:18:22,999 --> 00:18:24,999 Krista, this smoothie is heaven. What's in it? 452 00:18:24,999 --> 00:18:25,999 Oh, it's a pot luck. 453 00:18:25,999 --> 00:18:26,999 It's veggies from Carrie's garden. 454 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:32,000 So it's kale, za'atar, and Adrian's placenta. 455 00:18:31,999 --> 00:18:33,999 - Oh. - Jill. 456 00:18:33,999 --> 00:18:36,999 Jill, are you okay? Honey, you seem very tense. 457 00:18:36,999 --> 00:18:40,999 Actually, no. I'm not okay. 458 00:18:40,999 --> 00:18:43,999 I'm honored to have been your rock bottom, 459 00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:44,999 but this might be my rock bottom 460 00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,999 because I just drank afterbirth. 461 00:18:47,999 --> 00:18:51,999 And I'm really sorry, but I believe in spelling, 462 00:18:51,999 --> 00:18:52,999 and I believe in grades, 463 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:55,999 and I don't care what the Atlantic Monthly says. 464 00:18:55,999 --> 00:18:58,999 You're pretty, and you're smart. 465 00:18:58,999 --> 00:19:02,999 And if you don't think this is a Messianic cult, you're nuts. 466 00:19:02,999 --> 00:19:05,999 Hazel, put down the bongos. Grab the frog. 467 00:19:05,999 --> 00:19:08,999 We're getting the F out of here now. 468 00:19:08,999 --> 00:19:11,999 [rock music playing] 469 00:19:11,999 --> 00:19:19,999 ♪♪ ♪♪ 470 00:19:27,999 --> 00:19:30,999 (Jill) Taxi, take us to the Upper East Side. 471 00:19:30,999 --> 00:19:33,999 Gah! Ugh! I just drank placenta. 472 00:19:35,999 --> 00:19:37,999 Thank you. 473 00:19:37,999 --> 00:19:38,999 Thank you, God, for returning us 474 00:19:38,999 --> 00:19:41,999 to this wonderful neighborhood. 475 00:19:41,999 --> 00:19:44,999 We're home! 476 00:19:44,999 --> 00:19:45,999 ♪♪ Every morning ♪♪ 477 00:19:45,999 --> 00:19:47,999 ♪♪ Every evening ♪♪ 478 00:19:47,999 --> 00:19:50,999 ♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪ 479 00:19:50,999 --> 00:19:54,999 ♪♪ Not much money, oh, but, honey ♪♪ 480 00:19:54,999 --> 00:19:58,999 ♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪ 481 00:19:58,999 --> 00:20:02,999 ♪♪ The rent's unpaid, dear ♪♪ 482 00:20:02,999 --> 00:20:05,999 ♪♪ We haven't a buck ♪♪ 483 00:20:05,999 --> 00:20:08,999 ♪♪ But smiles were made, dear ♪♪ 484 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,000 ♪♪ For people like us ♪♪ 485 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:20,000 ♪♪ ♪♪ 486 00:20:19,999 --> 00:20:21,999 ♪♪ In the winter, in the summer... ♪♪ 487 00:20:21,999 --> 00:20:24,999 I hate being pregnant. 488 00:20:24,999 --> 00:20:25,999 Ow. 489 00:20:25,999 --> 00:20:27,999 [laughs] 490 00:20:27,999 --> 00:20:29,999 I haven't seen her in years.. 491 00:20:29,999 --> 00:20:31,999 I mean, what's wrong with placenta? 492 00:20:31,999 --> 00:20:33,999 ♪♪ Still we have fun ♪♪ 493 00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:36,999 ♪♪ There's nothing surer ♪♪ 494 00:20:36,999 --> 00:20:39,999 ♪♪ The rich get rich and the poor get poorer ♪♪ 495 00:20:39,999 --> 00:20:43,999 [moaning] 496 00:20:43,999 --> 00:20:44,999 Oh, sháá. 497 00:20:44,999 --> 00:20:52,999 ♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪ 498 00:20:52,999 --> 00:20:53,999 [ding] 499 00:20:53,999 --> 00:20:55,999 Hazel, honey, we might be different 500 00:20:55,999 --> 00:20:57,999 from some of the uptight people here, 501 00:20:57,999 --> 00:20:59,999 but this is our home. 502 00:20:59,999 --> 00:21:01,999 Our family is here. And you know what? 503 00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:05,999 We might not tell them as often as we should that we love them. 504 00:21:05,999 --> 00:21:07,999 [cell phone rings] 505 00:21:07,999 --> 00:21:09,999 - What? - It's Jill. 506 00:21:09,999 --> 00:21:11,999 I just wanted to say good luck tomorrow. 507 00:21:11,999 --> 00:21:12,999 We can't wait to meet our little- 508 00:21:12,999 --> 00:21:15,999 I can't talk right now. 509 00:21:15,999 --> 00:21:16,999 You sound weird. Are you okay? 510 00:21:16,999 --> 00:21:18,999 No! 511 00:21:18,999 --> 00:21:22,999 There is a tumor with hair coming out of my assáááá. 512 00:21:22,999 --> 00:21:25,999 - What is happening? - That's called "labor." 513 00:21:25,999 --> 00:21:27,999 You're having this baby the natural way. 514 00:21:27,999 --> 00:21:35,999 Nooooo! 515 00:21:41,999 --> 00:21:44,999 female announcer: For more Odd Mom Out, go to Bravotv.com. 516 00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:48,999 Oh, dead. 517 00:21:48,999 --> 00:21:51,999 Left, right, left, right, left, right. 37277

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