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1
00:00:13,999 --> 00:00:15,999
(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo
scripted original series.
2
00:00:15,999 --> 00:00:17,999
(Hazel) Hi, Aunt Vanessa.
(Vanessa) Hi, guys.
3
00:00:17,999 --> 00:00:18,999
(Jill)
We're going to Brooklyn.
4
00:00:18,999 --> 00:00:19,999
(train conductor)
There's a Brooklyn-bound
fifth train.
5
00:00:19,999 --> 00:00:22,999
Transfers available
for the four train.
6
00:00:22,999 --> 00:00:24,999
(Jill)
Are we there yet?
7
00:00:24,999 --> 00:00:25,999
(Vanessa)
Calm down, we're almost there.
8
00:00:25,999 --> 00:00:27,999
(train conductor)
This train is no longer
in service.
9
00:00:27,999 --> 00:00:28,999
[muffled announcement]
10
00:00:28,999 --> 00:00:29,999
(Jill)
What the hell is he saying?
11
00:00:29,999 --> 00:00:30,999
(train conductor)
Thank you.
12
00:00:30,999 --> 00:00:31,999
(Hazel)
Just a few more stops, mom.
13
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,999
(Jill) [groans]
[alert tones]
14
00:00:33,999 --> 00:00:35,999
(train conductor)
Next stop, Grand Army Plaza.
15
00:00:35,999 --> 00:00:37,999
Stand clear
of the closing doors please.
16
00:00:37,999 --> 00:00:39,999
(Jill)
Finally!
17
00:00:39,999 --> 00:00:42,999
I think I just went through
menopause on that subway ride.
18
00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:45,999
I hate schlepping
to Brooklyn.
19
00:00:45,999 --> 00:00:47,999
Whoa!
20
00:00:47,999 --> 00:00:49,999
I'm sorry.
I this the Champs-Elysées?
21
00:00:49,999 --> 00:00:50,999
Not too shabby.
22
00:00:50,999 --> 00:00:53,999
Explains why everyone's so smug
about living here.
23
00:00:53,999 --> 00:00:55,999
1This way.
24
00:00:55,999 --> 00:00:57,999
I still can't believe
Krista moved to Brooklyn.
25
00:00:57,999 --> 00:00:59,999
I can't believe
Krista's still alive.
26
00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:01,999
Remember that night
at the Soho house
27
00:01:01,999 --> 00:01:03,999
when she showed up
in that feathery bikini thing,
28
00:01:03,999 --> 00:01:05,999
begging us to do E
with her?
29
00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:06,999
Mommy, what's E?
30
00:01:06,999 --> 00:01:09,999
Oh, my God,
look at that huge dog.
31
00:01:09,999 --> 00:01:11,999
Thanks a lot.
32
00:01:11,999 --> 00:01:13,999
Hey, Hazel.
33
00:01:13,999 --> 00:01:15,999
That's what real pregnant
bellies look like.
34
00:01:15,999 --> 00:01:17,999
They actually pop out.
35
00:01:17,999 --> 00:01:19,999
Ugh, it's like
preggo-palooza here.
36
00:01:19,999 --> 00:01:20,999
There better be
some single people
37
00:01:20,999 --> 00:01:22,999
at this housewarming
or we're ditching.
38
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:24,999
Fine, done.
Krista can't last
39
00:01:24,999 --> 00:01:27,999
more than two hours at a party
without passing out anyway.
40
00:01:27,999 --> 00:01:30,999
Why does Krista
always pass out?
41
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:32,999
Oh, look,
another huge dog.
42
00:01:32,999 --> 00:01:34,999
[punk rock music]
43
00:01:34,999 --> 00:01:36,999
♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪
44
00:01:36,999 --> 00:01:39,999
♪♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪♪
45
00:01:54,999 --> 00:01:59,999
Holy frackin' Shiite.
Is that a tree house?
46
00:01:59,999 --> 00:02:00,999
This place is incredible.
47
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,000
They have a trampoline!
48
00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:04,999
Have fun.
49
00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:07,999
Look at this crowd.
They're so chill.
50
00:02:07,999 --> 00:02:10,999
I don't see any
white cigarette leg jeans,
51
00:02:10,999 --> 00:02:13,999
not a lick of mascara,
no silicone.
52
00:02:13,999 --> 00:02:15,999
In fact, I have the perkiest
boobs at this party.
53
00:02:15,999 --> 00:02:19,999
(Vanessa)
All I see are breeders,
and yuck, do we all need
54
00:02:19,999 --> 00:02:21,999
a front row seat
to the pepperoni nipple show?
55
00:02:21,999 --> 00:02:23,999
Guys, you made it!
56
00:02:23,999 --> 00:02:26,999
Krista, I'm having
a total real estate boner.
57
00:02:26,999 --> 00:02:29,999
[laughs]
Come down.
58
00:02:34,999 --> 00:02:35,999
(Vanessa)
Krista, you look amazing.
59
00:02:35,999 --> 00:02:37,999
Thank you.
60
00:02:37,999 --> 00:02:38,999
Your boyfriend's
such a sweetheart.
61
00:02:38,999 --> 00:02:39,999
How'd you guys meet?
62
00:02:39,999 --> 00:02:43,999
N.A.
Narcotics Anonymous.
63
00:02:43,999 --> 00:02:44,999
- Oh, no way.
- Seriously?
64
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,999
Good for you.
65
00:02:46,999 --> 00:02:47,999
If you don't mind my asking,
did you hit, like,
66
00:02:47,999 --> 00:02:49,999
a rock bottom moment?
67
00:02:49,999 --> 00:02:51,999
Did you wake up in a dumpster
in Philadelphia or something?
68
00:02:51,999 --> 00:02:54,999
Actually, you.
69
00:02:55,999 --> 00:02:56,999
You were my rock bottom.
70
00:02:56,999 --> 00:02:57,999
- Me?
- Her?
71
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,000
Yeah.
4:00 in the afternoon,
72
00:02:59,999 --> 00:03:01,999
I'd just given head
to the bus boy at Bar Polo
73
00:03:01,999 --> 00:03:03,999
in exchange for a bump,
74
00:03:03,999 --> 00:03:04,999
and I walked out
onto third avenue,
75
00:03:04,999 --> 00:03:07,999
and I'm wiping coke and jizz
off my face,
76
00:03:07,999 --> 00:03:09,999
and I see you
across the street,
77
00:03:09,999 --> 00:03:11,999
pregnant,
and pushing a stroller.
78
00:03:11,999 --> 00:03:15,999
And I say to myself,
"Self, how did this happen?"
79
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,000
And then, I thought
a thousand things real fast
80
00:03:17,999 --> 00:03:19,999
'cause of the coke,
you know, but that--
81
00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:22,999
that was my first step
to recovery.
82
00:03:22,999 --> 00:03:23,999
Um--
83
00:03:23,999 --> 00:03:26,999
Don't worry about it.
It's a process.
84
00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,999
My bread!
Oh, thank you, honey.
85
00:03:28,999 --> 00:03:30,999
I was her rock bottom.
86
00:03:30,999 --> 00:03:31,999
I heard.
87
00:03:31,999 --> 00:03:33,999
Oh, bread.
88
00:03:33,999 --> 00:03:35,999
I got to get a picture
of Grenoui with the bread.
89
00:03:35,999 --> 00:03:37,999
What is with the frog?
90
00:03:37,999 --> 00:03:39,999
This is Grenoui.
It's Hazel's class frog,
91
00:03:39,999 --> 00:03:42,999
and each kid takes it home
for the weekend
92
00:03:42,999 --> 00:03:44,999
and records his adventures
in a big class journal.
93
00:03:44,999 --> 00:03:47,999
According to Hazel, he's been
to The Great Wall of China,
94
00:03:47,999 --> 00:03:49,999
a bunch of the Spielbergs,
and Camp David.
95
00:03:49,999 --> 00:03:51,999
- [chuckles]
- True, but...
96
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:53,999
he's never had bread before,
so we're popping
97
00:03:53,999 --> 00:03:55,999
his gluten cherry
in Brookles.
98
00:03:55,999 --> 00:03:58,999
Oh, now--Adrian.
Adrian, come here. Come here.
99
00:03:58,999 --> 00:04:00,999
I want you to meet my college
friends Jill and Vanessa.
100
00:04:00,999 --> 00:04:03,999
Oh, so cute!
Congratulations.
101
00:04:03,999 --> 00:04:06,999
Oh, so tiny.
102
00:04:06,999 --> 00:04:09,999
Ooh, I better get this.
Might be the hospital.
103
00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:10,999
What an angel.
104
00:04:10,999 --> 00:04:13,999
Actually,
this was my toughest birth.
105
00:04:13,999 --> 00:04:14,999
After 40 hours of labor,
106
00:04:14,999 --> 00:04:17,999
I was still only
1 centimeter dilated.
107
00:04:17,999 --> 00:04:20,999
Finally, my midwife
decided it was time to-
108
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,999
Caesar salad that crouton
right out of there?
109
00:04:22,999 --> 00:04:25,999
Yeah.
I felt like such a failure.
110
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:28,999
I mean, I hadn't even read
the chapter on...
111
00:04:28,999 --> 00:04:29,999
[whispering]
C-sections,
112
00:04:29,999 --> 00:04:33,999
'cause I never dreamed
I would be one of those people.
113
00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:35,999
[laughs]
114
00:04:35,999 --> 00:04:36,999
What?
115
00:04:36,999 --> 00:04:39,999
It's just I come
from a very different planet.
116
00:04:39,999 --> 00:04:41,999
[dance music playing]
117
00:04:41,999 --> 00:04:44,999
[whistling]
118
00:04:44,999 --> 00:04:46,999
[breathing deeply]
119
00:04:46,999 --> 00:04:48,999
Look at you.
120
00:04:48,999 --> 00:04:51,999
One day before baby
numero quatro,
121
00:04:51,999 --> 00:04:53,999
and you are still
rocking those abs.
122
00:04:53,999 --> 00:04:56,999
If you get your core toned
enough before a C-section,
123
00:04:56,999 --> 00:04:59,999
the surgeon can just slice
through it like a sushi chef.
124
00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:02,999
- It really reduces scarring.
- Oh.
125
00:05:02,999 --> 00:05:03,999
Okay, back
to the punch list.
126
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:05,999
We have a lot to get done
before tomorrow.
127
00:05:05,999 --> 00:05:06,999
I'm all over it.
I just checked in
128
00:05:06,999 --> 00:05:08,999
with the photographer,
social media manager,
129
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,000
wardrobe designer,
and eastern medicine consultant.
130
00:05:11,999 --> 00:05:13,999
Everyone's up to speed.
131
00:05:14,999 --> 00:05:17,999
Brookie, what is it?
132
00:05:17,999 --> 00:05:20,999
You look so sad.
133
00:05:20,999 --> 00:05:24,999
I'm just...so fat,
134
00:05:24,999 --> 00:05:28,999
and I guess I'm just
feeling sentimental,
135
00:05:28,999 --> 00:05:30,999
thinking
about little Rutherford.
136
00:05:30,999 --> 00:05:32,999
He's not gonna be
the baby anymore.
137
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,999
Aww, that is so sweet.
138
00:05:34,999 --> 00:05:37,999
You want to spend some alone
time with the little guy today?
139
00:05:37,999 --> 00:05:38,999
No, God no.
140
00:05:38,999 --> 00:05:41,999
No, I think I just want to do
something special for him.
141
00:05:41,999 --> 00:05:44,999
I need to feel connected.
142
00:05:44,999 --> 00:05:47,999
In fact--
[groans]
143
00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:49,999
Crystal, angel?
144
00:05:49,999 --> 00:05:52,999
Meet me in the kitchen.
145
00:05:52,999 --> 00:05:55,999
[rock music playing]
146
00:05:55,999 --> 00:05:56,999
[overlapping chatter]
147
00:05:56,999 --> 00:05:58,999
[French horn blowing]
148
00:06:02,999 --> 00:06:07,999
Mm, not that guy.
He looks dead inside.
149
00:06:07,999 --> 00:06:10,999
How do you know
that's not my type?
150
00:06:10,999 --> 00:06:14,999
I'd say I don't usually
do this, but that'd be a lie.
151
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,999
Oh, I get it.
I mean, why come to a party
152
00:06:16,999 --> 00:06:17,999
where you could actually
talk to people
153
00:06:17,999 --> 00:06:20,999
when you can just scroll through
'em on your tiny computer?
154
00:06:20,999 --> 00:06:22,999
Hey, do not knock
my tiny computer.
155
00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:25,999
It's so pretty and smart.
156
00:06:25,999 --> 00:06:28,999
Yeah, it's smart 'cause it's
stealing all your brain cells.
157
00:06:28,999 --> 00:06:30,999
I just read this piece
on HuffPo
158
00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:32,999
about how if you
take a break, even for a day,
159
00:06:32,999 --> 00:06:34,999
from your phone, it can add
years to your life.
160
00:06:34,999 --> 00:06:38,999
I'm guessing you read that
on your phone?
161
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,999
Yes, I did.
162
00:06:41,999 --> 00:06:42,999
I'm Elliot by the way.
163
00:06:42,999 --> 00:06:45,999
Vanessa, by the way.
164
00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:54,999
College educated,
totally stumped.
165
00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:57,999
I'm going with hard plastic.
166
00:06:57,999 --> 00:07:00,999
So Krista tells me
you're that one's mom?
167
00:07:00,999 --> 00:07:03,999
Depends. Was she dancing
like a stripper again?
168
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:04,999
Because I swear, she's just
169
00:07:04,999 --> 00:07:06,999
trying to pay her way
through grade school.
170
00:07:06,999 --> 00:07:08,999
Actually, we just had
171
00:07:08,999 --> 00:07:10,999
the most fascinating
conversation about Icarus.
172
00:07:10,999 --> 00:07:11,999
And I see a lot
of kids in my work,
173
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,999
and she is a very
sophisticated thinker.
174
00:07:13,999 --> 00:07:16,999
Wow, that's so nice to hear.
175
00:07:16,999 --> 00:07:17,999
- Where do you work?
- St. Anne's, in Admissions.
176
00:07:17,999 --> 00:07:19,999
Yeah, I know I'm biased,
177
00:07:19,999 --> 00:07:22,999
but it's such
an unusual school.
178
00:07:22,999 --> 00:07:23,999
For one thing,
we don't give grades.
179
00:07:23,999 --> 00:07:26,999
No grades, ever, at all?
180
00:07:26,999 --> 00:07:28,999
Well, how do you know you're
doing better than everyone else?
181
00:07:28,999 --> 00:07:30,999
Exactly.
182
00:07:30,999 --> 00:07:32,999
We think the world needs more
questioners, not followers.
183
00:07:32,999 --> 00:07:35,999
I totally agree.
Can I go there?
184
00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:38,999
Off the record, we just
heard that one of our families
185
00:07:38,999 --> 00:07:39,999
is relocating to London
186
00:07:39,999 --> 00:07:41,999
to star in the spinoff
of Downton Abbey,
187
00:07:41,999 --> 00:07:42,999
so there might
be openings.
188
00:07:42,999 --> 00:07:45,999
I think Hazel
would be a great fit.
189
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:46,999
So let me know
if you're interested.
190
00:07:48,999 --> 00:07:51,999
[peaceful string music
playing]
191
00:07:51,999 --> 00:07:59,999
♪♪ ♪♪
192
00:08:02,999 --> 00:08:06,999
Yes, I'm interested.
193
00:08:10,999 --> 00:08:12,999
[upbeat vocals playing]
194
00:08:12,999 --> 00:08:15,999
Andy, honey, hi.
Here's the deal.
195
00:08:15,999 --> 00:08:17,999
I think we belong in Brooklyn.
196
00:08:17,999 --> 00:08:19,999
I just met this Admissions woman
from St. Anne's.
197
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:20,999
She's, like,
in love with Hazel,
198
00:08:20,999 --> 00:08:23,999
and Krista lives in a palace
199
00:08:23,999 --> 00:08:26,999
for half of the cost of
what we could get in our name.
200
00:08:26,999 --> 00:08:27,999
I really think we belong here.
201
00:08:27,999 --> 00:08:29,999
I mean, there are people
with frizzy hair
202
00:08:29,999 --> 00:08:31,999
and hideous sandals
with arched support.
203
00:08:31,999 --> 00:08:33,999
I'm excited.
Call me.
204
00:08:33,999 --> 00:08:34,999
- Love ya.
- Jill.
205
00:08:34,999 --> 00:08:36,999
Hey. There you are.
206
00:08:36,999 --> 00:08:37,999
Guys, this is Vanessa.
207
00:08:37,999 --> 00:08:40,999
Vanessa, these are
actual cool moms.
208
00:08:40,999 --> 00:08:42,999
I found them.
They're all in Brooklyn.
209
00:08:42,999 --> 00:08:44,999
Hi, cool moms.
210
00:08:44,999 --> 00:08:46,999
Nice to meet you.
I'm the cool single friend.
211
00:08:46,999 --> 00:08:48,999
I'm actually gonna take off
for a while.
212
00:08:48,999 --> 00:08:50,999
Really? The kids are about
to play their glockenspiels.
213
00:08:50,999 --> 00:08:52,999
Oh, thanks for the warning.
214
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,999
I met this possibly cute guy,
one o'clock,
215
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,000
talking to pepperoni nips.
216
00:08:57,999 --> 00:08:58,999
He's a real estate agent.
217
00:08:58,999 --> 00:08:59,999
He found this house for Krista.
218
00:08:59,999 --> 00:09:02,999
Great. Can you have
him find me one just like it?
219
00:09:02,999 --> 00:09:04,999
Oh!
I love Brooklyn Jill.
220
00:09:04,999 --> 00:09:07,999
So he convinced me to try
this kinky retro
221
00:09:07,999 --> 00:09:09,999
phone-free experiment.
222
00:09:09,999 --> 00:09:11,999
Can I trust you to babysit
these until we get back?
223
00:09:11,999 --> 00:09:14,999
Well, what if I have to text
you an emergency opinion?
224
00:09:14,999 --> 00:09:16,999
Oh, babe,
just whisper it to the wind,
225
00:09:16,999 --> 00:09:19,999
and if it's truly juicy
and bitchy, I'll hear it.
226
00:09:28,999 --> 00:09:30,999
You bake?
227
00:09:30,999 --> 00:09:32,999
How could I not know
this about you?
228
00:09:32,999 --> 00:09:35,999
You know I don't like
to talk about myself.
229
00:09:35,999 --> 00:09:38,999
This is Rutherford's favorite,
coconut cream pie.
230
00:09:38,999 --> 00:09:40,999
The recipe's a snap.
I'll send you the link.
231
00:09:40,999 --> 00:09:43,999
Send Devin the link.
232
00:09:48,999 --> 00:09:50,999
See? That's all you do.
233
00:09:50,999 --> 00:09:54,999
Aww, do you remember
when I brought Rutherford home
234
00:09:54,999 --> 00:09:55,999
from the hospital?
235
00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:58,999
He was in that
precious Bumpier onesie.
236
00:09:58,999 --> 00:09:59,999
Of course.
How could I forget?
237
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,999
Oh, my God.
238
00:10:02,999 --> 00:10:05,999
I haven't picked out
the baby's coming home outfit.
239
00:10:05,999 --> 00:10:07,999
I have no idea
who she's wearing.
240
00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:08,999
Okay, calme, calme.
241
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,999
Don't tell me to "calmay."
242
00:10:10,999 --> 00:10:12,999
Call my entire staff.
243
00:10:12,999 --> 00:10:14,999
How could it fall
through the cracks?
244
00:10:14,999 --> 00:10:17,999
Ugh!
245
00:10:17,999 --> 00:10:19,999
Oh, and save me a slice.
246
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,999
[approaching footsteps]
247
00:10:28,999 --> 00:10:29,999
Wow.
248
00:10:29,999 --> 00:10:31,999
I was just alone
with my thoughts
249
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,999
for the first time
in years.
250
00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:35,999
I think I resolved
a few childhood traumas.
251
00:10:35,999 --> 00:10:37,999
Yup, can't remember
the last time
252
00:10:37,999 --> 00:10:38,999
I peed
without checking email.
253
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,000
Ah. Sorry, it's
just been a while
254
00:10:41,999 --> 00:10:44,999
since I swiped anything.
255
00:10:44,999 --> 00:10:46,999
[chuckling]
256
00:10:46,999 --> 00:10:48,999
Martians could've landed
at Trader Joe's,
257
00:10:48,999 --> 00:10:50,999
and you'd have no way
of knowing.
258
00:10:50,999 --> 00:10:51,999
Well, here's
to not knowing.
259
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:54,999
To not knowing.
260
00:10:54,999 --> 00:10:56,999
What are you talking about?
261
00:10:56,999 --> 00:10:59,999
When people write "XO,"
the X is the kiss,
262
00:10:59,999 --> 00:11:01,999
and the O is the hug.
Everyone knows this.
263
00:11:01,999 --> 00:11:02,999
No, it isn't.
264
00:11:02,999 --> 00:11:05,999
The X is the hug because you
cross your arms like this,
265
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,999
and the O is the kiss because
you pucker your lips like this.
266
00:11:07,999 --> 00:11:09,999
That would mean
"XOXO" translates
267
00:11:09,999 --> 00:11:12,999
into "Hug, kiss, hug, kiss."
Who says that?
268
00:11:12,999 --> 00:11:14,999
Everyone. Everyone says that.
"Hugs and kisses."
269
00:11:14,999 --> 00:11:16,999
It's built into the basic
fabric of our lexicon.
270
00:11:16,999 --> 00:11:20,999
You are so comically,
embarrassingly wrong.
271
00:11:20,999 --> 00:11:22,999
I feel bad for you in advance
272
00:11:22,999 --> 00:11:23,999
when your wrongness
is confirmed.
273
00:11:23,999 --> 00:11:25,999
Well, for now, we're just
gonna have to sit,
274
00:11:25,999 --> 00:11:26,999
and be cool
with not knowing.
275
00:11:26,999 --> 00:11:29,999
Fine, whatever.
I can do that.
276
00:11:29,999 --> 00:11:31,999
So can I.
277
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:36,999
- Check!
- Check.
278
00:11:36,999 --> 00:11:37,999
- Now.
- Get the check, please.
279
00:11:37,999 --> 00:11:38,999
Thank you.
280
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,999
(Jill)
Sorry. I'm a total idiot.
281
00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:42,999
Which one's the basil again?
282
00:11:42,999 --> 00:11:44,999
It's on your left.
Grab a handful.
283
00:11:44,999 --> 00:11:46,999
Thank you.
284
00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:49,999
So is it safe to say
you love living here?
285
00:11:49,999 --> 00:11:50,999
Oh, my God.
286
00:11:50,999 --> 00:11:52,999
Are you serious
about moving to Brooklyn?
287
00:11:52,999 --> 00:11:55,999
Oh, I have never
been happier.
288
00:11:55,999 --> 00:11:57,999
We love Allegra's
charter school.
289
00:11:57,999 --> 00:11:59,999
Oh, they have this whole
new approach to math that merges
290
00:11:59,999 --> 00:12:02,999
the scientific method
with the Socratic one,
291
00:12:02,999 --> 00:12:04,999
and then, it combines
the Talmud, dice,
292
00:12:04,999 --> 00:12:05,999
and hip-hop lyrics.
293
00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:07,999
Hmm, I still
count on my fingers.
294
00:12:07,999 --> 00:12:09,999
There's also
music and letters,
295
00:12:09,999 --> 00:12:10,999
where the kids
write their own memoires
296
00:12:10,999 --> 00:12:12,999
and can choose between
majoring in symphony,
297
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:15,999
eastern music,
or rock band.
298
00:12:15,999 --> 00:12:16,999
Rock band, please.
299
00:12:16,999 --> 00:12:17,999
There's also Brooklyn
Perspectives, which has
300
00:12:17,999 --> 00:12:20,999
an organic rooftop farm
and a cheese making program.
301
00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:22,999
- There's so many options.
- Oh, yes.
302
00:12:22,999 --> 00:12:24,999
This is how it happens.
303
00:12:24,999 --> 00:12:25,999
You are so moving here.
304
00:12:25,999 --> 00:12:27,999
Hey, isn't there
an open house on Bergen?
305
00:12:27,999 --> 00:12:30,999
Oh, Jill.
Three stories, rooftop, deck.
306
00:12:30,999 --> 00:12:31,999
It's gonna go
in a heartbeat.
307
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,000
I don't know. I mean,
it's one thing to fantasize,
308
00:12:33,999 --> 00:12:35,999
but I haven't even
talked to Andy about it.
309
00:12:35,999 --> 00:12:36,999
Just go. Have a look.
310
00:12:36,999 --> 00:12:38,999
It can't hurt.
311
00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:41,999
Yeah, I mean,
it's only research, right?
312
00:12:41,999 --> 00:12:42,999
[rock music playing]
313
00:12:42,999 --> 00:12:45,999
The response has been
overwhelming.
314
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,999
We've had three other bids
already.
315
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000
Four. Hello!
316
00:12:50,999 --> 00:12:51,999
I'm bidding also.
317
00:12:51,999 --> 00:12:55,999
More than all of them.
I'm moving here.
318
00:12:55,999 --> 00:12:58,999
♪♪ Ahh ahh ahh ♪♪
319
00:12:58,999 --> 00:13:02,999
♪♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪♪
320
00:13:06,999 --> 00:13:10,999
[rock music playing]
321
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,999
- To Jill!
- Whoo!
322
00:13:13,999 --> 00:13:14,999
Thanks, guys.
323
00:13:14,999 --> 00:13:16,999
My husband
might divorce me,
324
00:13:16,999 --> 00:13:17,999
but at least I'll have
cool mom friends.
325
00:13:17,999 --> 00:13:20,999
[chuckles]
Allegra, honey,
326
00:13:20,999 --> 00:13:22,999
your hair is just beyond.
327
00:13:22,999 --> 00:13:25,999
How pretty are you?
328
00:13:25,999 --> 00:13:26,999
Ixnay.
329
00:13:26,999 --> 00:13:28,999
What? What'd I say?
330
00:13:28,999 --> 00:13:31,999
Well, kind of not supposed to
focus on appearance with girls.
331
00:13:31,999 --> 00:13:33,999
It sends the wrong message,
332
00:13:33,999 --> 00:13:34,999
gender politics,
blah, blah, blah.
333
00:13:34,999 --> 00:13:37,999
Oh, right, duh.
Sorry.
334
00:13:37,999 --> 00:13:39,999
I just read your
Frida Kahlo poem.
335
00:13:39,999 --> 00:13:42,999
You are such
a little smarty-pants.
336
00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:43,999
Jill.
337
00:13:43,999 --> 00:13:44,999
What'd I do now?
338
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,000
It's just that
you're really not
339
00:13:46,999 --> 00:13:48,999
supposed to tell them
they're smart.
340
00:13:48,999 --> 00:13:51,999
Didn't you read that cover
article in the Atlantic Monthly?
341
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:52,999
I must've missed it.
342
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,999
You're supposed to
emphasize effort.
343
00:13:54,999 --> 00:13:56,999
You know, "Oh, you worked
so hard on that."
344
00:13:56,999 --> 00:13:57,999
I mean, otherwise,
it just screws them up.
345
00:13:57,999 --> 00:14:01,999
Jill! Jill! Jill Weber!
I need my phone.
346
00:14:01,999 --> 00:14:02,999
- Phone!
- I need my phone.
347
00:14:02,999 --> 00:14:04,999
- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
- I need my phone.
348
00:14:04,999 --> 00:14:05,999
- I need my phone.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
349
00:14:05,999 --> 00:14:07,999
- It's Elliot?
- Oh, my God.
350
00:14:07,999 --> 00:14:08,999
You know how you are
at the end of Yom Kippur?
351
00:14:08,999 --> 00:14:09,999
You can't small talk?
352
00:14:09,999 --> 00:14:11,999
You just need the bagel
and cream cheese?
353
00:14:11,999 --> 00:14:12,999
Give me the phone,
skinny.
354
00:14:12,999 --> 00:14:14,999
Give us our bagel
and cream cheese.
355
00:14:14,999 --> 00:14:17,999
Jeez.
You do someone a favor.
356
00:14:17,999 --> 00:14:19,999
Oh, yeah.
357
00:14:19,999 --> 00:14:21,999
- You are going down.
- Come on.
358
00:14:21,999 --> 00:14:22,999
Come on--Yes!
359
00:14:22,999 --> 00:14:24,999
Oh, God.
Sháá.
360
00:14:24,999 --> 00:14:26,999
X means kiss.
O means hug.
361
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:27,999
Sháá, sháá.
362
00:14:27,999 --> 00:14:29,999
- I told you! I told you!
- Yeah, you told me.
363
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:32,999
Ahh! XO! Oooh!
364
00:14:32,999 --> 00:14:34,999
Should we be worried
about Vanessa?
365
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,999
- Suck it.
- I see it.
366
00:14:36,999 --> 00:14:39,999
TA is a serious thing,
you know?
367
00:14:39,999 --> 00:14:41,999
Technology Addiction.
368
00:14:41,999 --> 00:14:43,999
[shouting]
369
00:14:43,999 --> 00:14:46,999
Maybe.
370
00:14:46,999 --> 00:14:49,999
[rock music playing]
371
00:14:49,999 --> 00:14:52,999
♪♪ ♪♪
372
00:14:52,999 --> 00:14:54,999
We have one day.
373
00:14:54,999 --> 00:14:58,999
One day, people, and none
of these outfits are right.
374
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,999
Angel, I thought
you were presenting me
375
00:15:01,999 --> 00:15:04,999
with seven or eight options.
What happened with that?
376
00:15:04,999 --> 00:15:06,999
I did, Mrs. Von Weber,
remember?
377
00:15:06,999 --> 00:15:07,999
You chose this.
378
00:15:07,999 --> 00:15:10,999
Well, then
I was out of my mind
379
00:15:10,999 --> 00:15:12,999
because I wouldn't be caught
dead in those colors,
380
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,999
and neither would my baby.
381
00:15:14,999 --> 00:15:17,999
We're gonna need
something else, stat.
382
00:15:17,999 --> 00:15:19,999
Brookie, do you want
some Cool Whip?
383
00:15:19,999 --> 00:15:21,999
I think you might be
LBS'ing big time.
384
00:15:21,999 --> 00:15:23,999
My blood sugar is fine.
385
00:15:23,999 --> 00:15:27,999
Honestly, I just want
this bowling ball out of me,
386
00:15:27,999 --> 00:15:29,999
so I can be by myself.
387
00:15:29,999 --> 00:15:32,999
In fact, I want every person
in this house
388
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:34,999
who isn't me to leave.
389
00:15:34,999 --> 00:15:37,999
Do whatever you need to do
to prepare for tomorrow.
390
00:15:37,999 --> 00:15:42,999
I need to be alone.
391
00:15:42,999 --> 00:15:44,999
- Alone?
- Did she say, "alone?"
392
00:15:44,999 --> 00:15:45,999
She's never
been here alone.
393
00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:46,999
What if she wants to
do something?
394
00:15:46,999 --> 00:15:48,999
I don't think
we should leave.
395
00:15:48,999 --> 00:15:50,999
- One of us should stay.
- Not me.
396
00:15:50,999 --> 00:15:51,999
I said leave!
397
00:15:51,999 --> 00:15:56,999
Just go!
398
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:57,999
You are so brave.
399
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,999
That means you too.
400
00:15:59,999 --> 00:16:01,999
Get out!
401
00:16:08,999 --> 00:16:11,999
[prolonged flatulence]
402
00:16:16,999 --> 00:16:19,999
[rock music playing]
403
00:16:19,999 --> 00:16:20,999
♪♪ ♪♪
404
00:16:20,999 --> 00:16:22,999
I go that way.
405
00:16:22,999 --> 00:16:24,999
Oh, I'm going
that way, so...
406
00:16:24,999 --> 00:16:27,999
So aside from the fact
that you owe me $10,000
407
00:16:27,999 --> 00:16:29,999
and a pint
of Blue Marble ice cream,
408
00:16:29,999 --> 00:16:33,999
I'd say our little project
luddite was a huge success.
409
00:16:33,999 --> 00:16:35,999
Yeah. It was fun.
410
00:16:35,999 --> 00:16:37,999
XO?
411
00:16:43,999 --> 00:16:45,999
Oh, my God.
Are you on your phone again?
412
00:16:45,999 --> 00:16:46,999
Yeah.
Sorry, it's an emergency.
413
00:16:46,999 --> 00:16:48,999
Oh.
414
00:16:48,999 --> 00:16:49,999
[cell phone chimes]
415
00:16:59,999 --> 00:17:02,999
(Jill)
Guys, am I crazy
for wanting to move here?
416
00:17:02,999 --> 00:17:04,999
No. You're gonna
be so much happier here
417
00:17:04,999 --> 00:17:06,999
not being surrounded
by all that ridiculous wealth.
418
00:17:06,999 --> 00:17:10,999
Well, I mean, you guys
are doing okay too, right?
419
00:17:10,999 --> 00:17:13,999
That artisanal mustard is,
what, 20 bucks a jar?
420
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,999
Right, but for me,
it's about values.
421
00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:16,999
I'd never raise my kids
up there.
422
00:17:16,999 --> 00:17:18,999
I mean, it's just
so homogenous.
423
00:17:18,999 --> 00:17:20,999
It's like a Tory Burch
Messianic cult.
424
00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:23,999
It's white, rich,
heterocentric.
425
00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:25,999
Well, that's not
entirely true.
426
00:17:25,999 --> 00:17:28,999
There's a lot of really,
really nice people up there.
427
00:17:28,999 --> 00:17:30,999
Mom,
how do you spell quinoa?
428
00:17:30,999 --> 00:17:31,999
Nobody really knows.
429
00:17:31,999 --> 00:17:33,999
But I think it's Q-U-
430
00:17:33,999 --> 00:17:35,999
- Oh, no, no. Shh, shh.
- What are you doing?
431
00:17:35,999 --> 00:17:37,999
No, no, do not tell them
how to spell.
432
00:17:37,999 --> 00:17:40,999
Is this another article
I missed?
433
00:17:40,999 --> 00:17:41,999
Is spelling sexist now?
434
00:17:41,999 --> 00:17:43,999
No, it's just not the way
it's done.
435
00:17:43,999 --> 00:17:44,999
You're supposed to let them
sound it out
436
00:17:44,999 --> 00:17:46,999
so you don't hamper
their creativity.
437
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,999
But spelling's important.
438
00:17:48,999 --> 00:17:50,999
I mean, when do they
learn how to spell?
439
00:17:50,999 --> 00:17:54,999
- Mom!
- Aristotle, what?
440
00:17:54,999 --> 00:17:57,999
- I'm hungry!
- Now?
441
00:17:57,999 --> 00:17:59,999
I have
the bossiest children.
442
00:17:59,999 --> 00:18:00,999
- Mom!
- All right.
443
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,000
Come on down, master.
444
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,999
Every time he has a cookie,
445
00:18:05,999 --> 00:18:07,999
he has to wash it down
with breast milk.
446
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:09,999
Wait.
Isn't he, like, five?
447
00:18:09,999 --> 00:18:10,999
Yeah, next week.
448
00:18:10,999 --> 00:18:13,999
He is growing up so fast.
449
00:18:13,999 --> 00:18:16,999
Dude, are you coming or not?
I'm ready to go here.
450
00:18:16,999 --> 00:18:18,999
Hazel,
five minute warning.
451
00:18:22,999 --> 00:18:24,999
Krista, this smoothie
is heaven. What's in it?
452
00:18:24,999 --> 00:18:25,999
Oh, it's a pot luck.
453
00:18:25,999 --> 00:18:26,999
It's veggies
from Carrie's garden.
454
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:32,000
So it's kale, za'atar,
and Adrian's placenta.
455
00:18:31,999 --> 00:18:33,999
- Oh.
- Jill.
456
00:18:33,999 --> 00:18:36,999
Jill, are you okay?
Honey, you seem very tense.
457
00:18:36,999 --> 00:18:40,999
Actually, no.
I'm not okay.
458
00:18:40,999 --> 00:18:43,999
I'm honored to have been
your rock bottom,
459
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:44,999
but this might be
my rock bottom
460
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,999
because I just
drank afterbirth.
461
00:18:47,999 --> 00:18:51,999
And I'm really sorry,
but I believe in spelling,
462
00:18:51,999 --> 00:18:52,999
and I believe in grades,
463
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:55,999
and I don't care what
the Atlantic Monthly says.
464
00:18:55,999 --> 00:18:58,999
You're pretty,
and you're smart.
465
00:18:58,999 --> 00:19:02,999
And if you don't think this is
a Messianic cult, you're nuts.
466
00:19:02,999 --> 00:19:05,999
Hazel, put down the bongos.
Grab the frog.
467
00:19:05,999 --> 00:19:08,999
We're getting the F
out of here now.
468
00:19:08,999 --> 00:19:11,999
[rock music playing]
469
00:19:11,999 --> 00:19:19,999
♪♪ ♪♪
470
00:19:27,999 --> 00:19:30,999
(Jill)
Taxi, take us
to the Upper East Side.
471
00:19:30,999 --> 00:19:33,999
Gah! Ugh!
I just drank placenta.
472
00:19:35,999 --> 00:19:37,999
Thank you.
473
00:19:37,999 --> 00:19:38,999
Thank you, God,
for returning us
474
00:19:38,999 --> 00:19:41,999
to this
wonderful neighborhood.
475
00:19:41,999 --> 00:19:44,999
We're home!
476
00:19:44,999 --> 00:19:45,999
♪♪ Every morning ♪♪
477
00:19:45,999 --> 00:19:47,999
♪♪ Every evening ♪♪
478
00:19:47,999 --> 00:19:50,999
♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪
479
00:19:50,999 --> 00:19:54,999
♪♪ Not much money,
oh, but, honey ♪♪
480
00:19:54,999 --> 00:19:58,999
♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪
481
00:19:58,999 --> 00:20:02,999
♪♪ The rent's unpaid, dear ♪♪
482
00:20:02,999 --> 00:20:05,999
♪♪ We haven't a buck ♪♪
483
00:20:05,999 --> 00:20:08,999
♪♪ But smiles
were made, dear ♪♪
484
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,000
♪♪ For people like us ♪♪
485
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:20,000
♪♪ ♪♪
486
00:20:19,999 --> 00:20:21,999
♪♪ In the winter,
in the summer... ♪♪
487
00:20:21,999 --> 00:20:24,999
I hate being pregnant.
488
00:20:24,999 --> 00:20:25,999
Ow.
489
00:20:25,999 --> 00:20:27,999
[laughs]
490
00:20:27,999 --> 00:20:29,999
I haven't seen her in years..
491
00:20:29,999 --> 00:20:31,999
I mean, what's wrong
with placenta?
492
00:20:31,999 --> 00:20:33,999
♪♪ Still we have fun ♪♪
493
00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:36,999
♪♪ There's nothing surer ♪♪
494
00:20:36,999 --> 00:20:39,999
♪♪ The rich get rich
and the poor get poorer ♪♪
495
00:20:39,999 --> 00:20:43,999
[moaning]
496
00:20:43,999 --> 00:20:44,999
Oh, sháá.
497
00:20:44,999 --> 00:20:52,999
♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪
498
00:20:52,999 --> 00:20:53,999
[ding]
499
00:20:53,999 --> 00:20:55,999
Hazel, honey,
we might be different
500
00:20:55,999 --> 00:20:57,999
from some of
the uptight people here,
501
00:20:57,999 --> 00:20:59,999
but this is our home.
502
00:20:59,999 --> 00:21:01,999
Our family is here.
And you know what?
503
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:05,999
We might not tell them as often
as we should that we love them.
504
00:21:05,999 --> 00:21:07,999
[cell phone rings]
505
00:21:07,999 --> 00:21:09,999
- What?
- It's Jill.
506
00:21:09,999 --> 00:21:11,999
I just wanted to say
good luck tomorrow.
507
00:21:11,999 --> 00:21:12,999
We can't wait
to meet our little-
508
00:21:12,999 --> 00:21:15,999
I can't talk right now.
509
00:21:15,999 --> 00:21:16,999
You sound weird.
Are you okay?
510
00:21:16,999 --> 00:21:18,999
No!
511
00:21:18,999 --> 00:21:22,999
There is a tumor with hair
coming out of my assáááá.
512
00:21:22,999 --> 00:21:25,999
- What is happening?
- That's called "labor."
513
00:21:25,999 --> 00:21:27,999
You're having this baby
the natural way.
514
00:21:27,999 --> 00:21:35,999
Nooooo!
515
00:21:41,999 --> 00:21:44,999
female announcer: For more Odd
Mom Out, go to Bravotv.com.
516
00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:48,999
Oh, dead.
517
00:21:48,999 --> 00:21:51,999
Left, right,
left, right, left, right.
37277
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