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1
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,700
(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo
scripted original series.
2
00:00:15,700 --> 00:00:17,000
And then my weekend nanny
3
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,000
had another death
in the family--again.
4
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,800
Can you believe
the luck I'm having?
5
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,370
(Brooke)
Actually, it was
the worst summer.
6
00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:24,367
We were flying
back and forth
7
00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:25,797
from Capri
to South Hampton.
8
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,200
I'm overseeing
two renovations.
9
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:28,800
That's two sets
of blueprints.
10
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,730
I need a vacation
from my vacation.
11
00:00:31,733 --> 00:00:33,233
Where do you guys
summer, again?
12
00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:36,703
We summer on 61st Street
between 2nd and 3rd.
13
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,270
Mm.
14
00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:41,527
(Mrs. Hardwick)
Welcome, everyone.
15
00:00:41,533 --> 00:00:45,773
We're delighted to have you
here at our curriculum night.
16
00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:47,727
Curriculum night, please.
17
00:00:47,733 --> 00:00:49,333
They're in preschool.
18
00:00:49,333 --> 00:00:51,833
What's next, they're gonna major
in finger-painting and sand?
19
00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:53,603
And while you've been busy
20
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:57,570
working on those
kindergarten applications,
21
00:00:57,567 --> 00:00:58,797
we've been busy too,
22
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,900
learning a little bit
about you.
23
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:04,830
Rutherford says,
24
00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:07,333
"My mommy loves salad,
25
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:10,903
Pinot Grigio,
and our helicopter."
26
00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:12,400
[laughter]
27
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:17,100
Piper says,
"My daddy's a plastic surgeon.
28
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:23,000
He loves his Maseratis and
making people's faces not ugly."
29
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,070
[laughter]
30
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:28,627
And this from Dottie--
31
00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:31,773
"My mommy loves tattoos,
32
00:01:31,767 --> 00:01:34,797
"underwear dance parties,
33
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,030
and bad words."
34
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,430
Oh, [bleep].
35
00:01:42,433 --> 00:01:44,573
[upbeat rock music]
36
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:47,167
♪ I guess you know ♪
37
00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:50,297
♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪
38
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:51,830
Mommy!
39
00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,130
Mommy, why is your butt
so jiggly?
40
00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:02,333
Because I have three kids.
41
00:02:02,333 --> 00:02:03,633
Thanks, Miles.
42
00:02:03,633 --> 00:02:04,833
Guys, okay you have
to get dressed.
43
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,233
We're gonna do the thing
for Daddy, okay?
44
00:02:06,233 --> 00:02:07,433
Hurry, please.
45
00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:09,003
Hey, guys,
come on, get dressed.
46
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,730
No, you're too early!
47
00:02:10,733 --> 00:02:12,973
I had a whole
surprise for you.
48
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,267
For me?
Oh, well...
49
00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:16,567
Congratulations
on making partner.
50
00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:18,867
- We're so proud of you.
- Thank you.
51
00:02:18,867 --> 00:02:20,197
It was gonna be
a whole spread
52
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,700
with eggs and fruit
and everything.
53
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,370
It was like a miracle.
54
00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:26,097
Did you hear Miles
ridiculing my "thass"?
55
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,500
What's "thass?"
56
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:29,270
"Thigh" plus "ass"
equals "thass."
57
00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:30,527
And after three kids,
58
00:02:30,533 --> 00:02:33,573
my vag is like
the Holland Tunnel.
59
00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:35,467
Sometimes I walk around,
and it sounds
60
00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:37,127
like somebody's stirring
mac and cheese.
61
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,533
Are we having
mac and cheese tonight?
62
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:39,633
I said get dressed!
63
00:02:39,633 --> 00:02:42,233
(Andy)
Get dressed please.
64
00:02:42,233 --> 00:02:43,403
I don't know.
65
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,300
I think everything's
holding up great.
66
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:46,330
In fact, I was thinking,
67
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,303
what if I went
into work late today?
68
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,070
Honey, I know
it's your special day,
69
00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:51,967
but there was just a study
at Stanford University...
70
00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:53,327
(Miles)
Mommy, can I crack an egg?
71
00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:54,673
That all these mothers
have sensory overload--
72
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:55,967
[kids shouting]
73
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,727
'Cause the kids are, like,
pawing them all day,
74
00:02:57,733 --> 00:02:59,333
and so we're, like,
OD-ing on touch.
75
00:02:59,333 --> 00:03:00,803
- Right.
- Okay?
76
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,000
And we have
to pick the photos
77
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,430
for the kids'
kindergarten applications.
78
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:04,603
- Yep.
- We have to pick today.
79
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,630
Come here.
80
00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:06,633
(Miles)
Can I have gum for breakfast?
81
00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:08,003
Nope, no gum.
82
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,100
Do you think Miles looks
a little R-A-P-E-Y here?
83
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:11,330
[phone ringing]
84
00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:13,803
Who calls anymore?
85
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,000
My mother.
86
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,400
Okay, guys, did you
brush your teeth yet?
87
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,570
- Hello, Mother.
- Isn't it wonderful news?
88
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,527
Uh, yeah, thanks,
how'd you hear?
89
00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:24,933
The New York Times, CNN,
Bloomberg News.
90
00:03:24,933 --> 00:03:27,403
It's on the front page
of every business section.
91
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,670
Oh, I thought you were
calling about my news.
92
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,297
I'm just catching up,
one second.
93
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:32,570
I'll save you
the trouble.
94
00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,867
Hercules Partners,
your baby brother's firm,
95
00:03:34,867 --> 00:03:37,327
sold that bagel company
to the Chinese
96
00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:40,233
for $675 million.
97
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,400
What was your news?
98
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,770
Um...
99
00:03:47,567 --> 00:03:48,567
(man)
Congratulations.
100
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:49,597
Thank you.
101
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:50,900
- Congratulations
- Thanks, guys.
102
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:52,870
Whoo, Andy!
103
00:03:52,867 --> 00:03:55,597
Yes, dude, so give me
the play-by-play.
104
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,870
Oh, but, like, make it like
SportsCenter, though.
105
00:03:57,867 --> 00:03:59,397
I guess it's been
in the works for a while.
106
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,870
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
107
00:04:00,867 --> 00:04:02,297
I was always
on the partner track.
108
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:03,970
No, no, no,
dude, not that.
109
00:04:03,967 --> 00:04:05,967
No, your kid brother, Lex.
110
00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:09,027
Uh, ka-ching.
111
00:04:09,033 --> 00:04:10,403
Bagels.
112
00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:14,230
(Jill)
I mean, they're my in-laws.
113
00:04:14,233 --> 00:04:15,673
I should be
happy for them,
114
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,467
but they're gonna be
even more "insuffs"
115
00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:18,727
than they already are.
116
00:04:18,733 --> 00:04:20,173
It'll be wheels up
to St. Barth's
117
00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:22,997
and wheels up to Aspen
and breakfast at Wimbledon.
118
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,500
I'm a doctor.
I save babies with my hands.
119
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,730
Even if I live
to be "eleventy,"
120
00:04:28,733 --> 00:04:30,873
I'd never see a tenth
of that type of coin.
121
00:04:30,867 --> 00:04:32,497
Lex isn't even
that smart.
122
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:34,130
His equity firm
just got lucky
123
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:36,633
investing in the company
that brought bagels to China.
124
00:04:36,633 --> 00:04:38,003
China, I know.
125
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,800
I mean, if it were North Korea,
I'd be impressed.
126
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,330
He and Brooke
are fetuses,
127
00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:44,873
and now they're as rich
as Mark Zuckerberg's pinky.
128
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:49,567
Okay, you do realize
you're rich too, right?
129
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:51,097
Yeah, maybe
in the normal universe,
130
00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:52,430
where normal people live.
131
00:04:52,433 --> 00:04:55,503
But between Lexington and 5th,
I'm a charity case.
132
00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:56,900
- Jill!
- Seriously.
133
00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:58,570
People come to our walk-up
for play dates,
134
00:04:58,567 --> 00:05:01,267
and they act like I live
in a cardboard box.
135
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:02,597
Oh...
136
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,600
sorry.
137
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,700
Oh, my God, it's her.
138
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:07,470
[bombastic hip-hop]
139
00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:08,967
It's my sister-in-law.
140
00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:10,697
I swear, our kids are
in the same class this year.
141
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:12,170
I can't escape her.
142
00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:14,267
Wait, I thought she was pregnant
with her fourth.
143
00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:15,497
Did she lose the baby?
144
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,400
No,
she's seven months pregnant.
145
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,130
That baby is gonna be
the size of a Diet Coke can.
146
00:05:20,133 --> 00:05:21,533
Hi, guys.
147
00:05:21,533 --> 00:05:24,073
Brooke, congrats
on the sale.
148
00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:25,167
So exciting.
149
00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:26,667
We're quite pleased.
150
00:05:26,667 --> 00:05:29,027
We're quite pleased
for you.
151
00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:31,833
(Danielle)
Vanessa, I haven't seen you
since we had a white president.
152
00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,603
- Oh.
- Still living downtown?
153
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,730
Still toughing it out
on the mean streets of SoHo.
154
00:05:35,733 --> 00:05:37,933
- Huh.
- So baby number four.
155
00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:39,403
Good for you!
156
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,470
[scoffs]
Thanks, I'm Shamu.
157
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:44,197
All righty, we're gonna
go stuff our faces
158
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,470
at Midnight Express.
159
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:46,597
(Stephanie)
Oh, I heard they're closing.
160
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,630
You're kidding.
161
00:05:47,633 --> 00:05:48,903
Yeah, it's gonna
be a Flush.
162
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,000
What's a Flush?
163
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,270
It's this
California chainlet
164
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,897
that's part juice cleanse,
part colonics.
165
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:54,170
It was in Vanity Fair.
166
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,297
(Simone)
It totally works.
167
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:58,170
My sister had
a toy soldier come out.
168
00:05:58,167 --> 00:05:59,567
(Brooke)
So, Jill, I'm seeing you
169
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:02,427
at my NACHO Kickoff Event
this week, right?
170
00:06:02,433 --> 00:06:04,873
At Soul Wheelz?
You have yet to RSVP.
171
00:06:04,867 --> 00:06:07,167
Oh, your spinning thing.
I totally spaced.
172
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,397
I've been so swamped with
kindergarten applications.
173
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,530
Wait, back up.
174
00:06:10,533 --> 00:06:11,773
Why are we talking
about nachos?
175
00:06:11,767 --> 00:06:12,827
(Brooke)
No, no, no.
176
00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:14,133
it's my charitable
organization.
177
00:06:14,133 --> 00:06:15,973
New Yorkers Against
Childhood Obesity.
178
00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:17,827
You mean NYACHO?
179
00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:19,173
NACHO.
180
00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:20,827
New Yorkers...
181
00:06:20,833 --> 00:06:22,503
The Y is silent.
182
00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:24,470
It's my charity.
183
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,067
Jill, Soul Wheelz?
184
00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:27,867
Believe me,
you don't want me there.
185
00:06:27,867 --> 00:06:29,367
I will be dead
on the floor.
186
00:06:29,367 --> 00:06:31,027
They'll need
defibrillators.
187
00:06:31,033 --> 00:06:32,303
I'll be
in a chalk outline.
188
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:33,470
You're my sister-in-law,
189
00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:35,667
and you never come
to any of my events.
190
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,527
Well, it's hard
to line up a sitter.
191
00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,773
Oh, Jill, you really
need to staff up.
192
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,427
Well, I'm not
working right now,
193
00:06:41,433 --> 00:06:43,573
so I prefer
to do it myself.
194
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:45,567
Why don't you take
Stephanie's Thai baby nurse?
195
00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,727
You're done
with her, right?
196
00:06:46,733 --> 00:06:48,203
She's Tibetan.
197
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,700
Yeah, well, same noodle,
different sauce.
198
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,370
Let's go.
Bye.
199
00:06:58,233 --> 00:07:00,273
[bell dings]
200
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:01,927
I can't believe
this place is closing.
201
00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:04,633
I've been coming here
for 30 years.
202
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,433
This place is
an institution.
203
00:07:06,433 --> 00:07:08,473
Look at--look at
this glass bottle.
204
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:11,127
You know, instead of that
squeezy bull[bleep].
205
00:07:11,133 --> 00:07:13,533
I mean, look
at the people.
206
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:14,903
What is a Flush anyway?
207
00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:16,100
What do these people do?
208
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:18,000
Put hoses in their ass
and blow lunch?
209
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,830
Isn't that like
anal bulimia?
210
00:07:19,833 --> 00:07:23,203
People love putting things
in their ass[bleep].
211
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,730
You should see what I see
in the ER on the daily--
212
00:07:25,733 --> 00:07:28,533
iPhone chargers,
bottles of Purell,
213
00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:31,033
old Phantom ticket stubs,
214
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:32,203
plastic Yodas,
215
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,930
Duane Reade receipts,
pot.
216
00:07:33,933 --> 00:07:36,003
- I hate people.
- I hate people too.
217
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,130
So "grodsky."
218
00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:38,203
A small piccolo.
219
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,270
You know, it's official.
220
00:07:39,267 --> 00:07:41,467
This place closing
just marks the end
221
00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:43,997
of the real, old,
gritty Upper East Side.
222
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,270
"Gritty"?
When?
223
00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:46,967
Before they paved
Park Avenue?
224
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,497
At least when
I was growing up,
225
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,530
there was some shame
around being rich.
226
00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:53,503
I mean, I knew kids who were
mortified to have a driver.
227
00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:54,670
Now at drop-off,
228
00:07:54,667 --> 00:07:56,827
they're pimpin'
cocaine-white SUVs.
229
00:07:56,833 --> 00:07:58,673
And yet you continue
to live here.
230
00:07:58,667 --> 00:07:59,967
I was here first.
231
00:07:59,967 --> 00:08:02,027
I love that you
still eat doughnuts.
232
00:08:02,033 --> 00:08:03,073
Thank you.
233
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,767
A doughnut is just
a gay bagel.
234
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:07,427
So how are the kids?
235
00:08:07,433 --> 00:08:09,133
Fine, annoying.
236
00:08:09,133 --> 00:08:10,703
They'd be a lot cooler
if they could fill out
237
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,270
their own
kindergarten applications.
238
00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:14,667
Just promise me
you will not turn
239
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:17,827
into one of those freaky
mom-bots over this stuff.
240
00:08:17,833 --> 00:08:19,233
I would never.
241
00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:20,473
Why do you think
I'm blowing off
242
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,767
Brooke's NACHO thing?
243
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:22,997
'Cause you hate exercise?
244
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,800
No.
245
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:25,970
Okay, yes.
246
00:08:25,967 --> 00:08:27,797
But Soul Wheelz
is, like, the first stop
247
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,330
on the mom-bot express.
248
00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:30,433
It's a cult.
249
00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:31,903
Plus, I'm not a joiner.
250
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:35,030
So don't join
the kindergarten cult either.
251
00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:36,173
Your kids are great.
252
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:38,367
They'll be fine,
wherever they go.
253
00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:39,867
Oh, you're so naive.
254
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,097
But I'll give you this.
255
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:42,630
If I ever say
that I'm going
256
00:08:42,633 --> 00:08:46,533
to a $3,000-a-plate
hat luncheon with the ladies,
257
00:08:46,533 --> 00:08:49,173
you have my permission
to kidnap me,
258
00:08:49,167 --> 00:08:50,367
drag me into the woods--
259
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:51,897
And shoot you?
260
00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:53,700
I was gonna say
"deprogram me,"
261
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,200
but use your judgment.
262
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,570
- Done.
- Okay.
263
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:07,930
[children chattering]
264
00:09:07,933 --> 00:09:08,973
It's Mrs. Hardwick.
265
00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:10,067
(woman)
It's Mrs. Hardwick.
266
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,067
Hello, Mrs. Hardwick.
267
00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,097
Hello, Mrs. Hardwick!
268
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:13,900
(Mrs. Hardwick)
Mrs. Weber.
269
00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:14,900
Me?
270
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:18,400
May I see you in my office?
271
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:21,770
Of course,
Mrs. Hardwick.
272
00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:23,027
(Mrs. Hardwick)
Mrs. Weber,
273
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:25,803
we've known your family
for several years,
274
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,900
and while we've come
to appreciate your,
275
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:32,030
shall we say, unorthodox
approach to parenting,
276
00:09:32,033 --> 00:09:36,003
this admissions season
is particularly cut-throat.
277
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,630
These schools are looking
for leaders,
278
00:09:38,633 --> 00:09:40,233
students with vision.
279
00:09:40,233 --> 00:09:42,603
If we give them blocks,
280
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:46,930
will they make a pile
or the Arc de Triomphe?
281
00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:49,703
Mine usually
just lick the blocks.
282
00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,770
- I mean, they're 4.
- Indeed.
283
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,467
And young 4s,
284
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:55,467
given their
late-July birthdays.
285
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:56,897
So unfortunate.
286
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,930
They're competing
against children
287
00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:00,933
who have been bred
for success.
288
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:03,633
Legacy families,
leaders of the community.
289
00:10:03,633 --> 00:10:07,203
And, unfortunately,
while you are different,
290
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,770
you don't technically qualify
as diversity.
291
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:13,927
Sometimes Miles
looks half Cherokee.
292
00:10:13,933 --> 00:10:17,233
How.
[laughs]
293
00:10:17,233 --> 00:10:19,703
I'm going to recommend
294
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,070
that you cast a wide net.
295
00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:24,697
Yes, we have Miles applying
to five schools,
296
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,030
Dottie to four.
297
00:10:26,033 --> 00:10:28,103
We have our zoned
local public school,
298
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,300
a charter school, and Hunter.
299
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:34,030
I'm going to recommend
an even wider net.
300
00:10:43,133 --> 00:10:45,573
And Andy was up against,
like, three other lawyers
301
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:47,167
for this position, right?
302
00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,567
It's one of the hardest
firms to move up in.
303
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:51,667
There they are.
304
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:53,927
Hi.
Mazel Tov, guys!
305
00:10:53,933 --> 00:10:55,333
Oh, come on, now.
306
00:10:55,333 --> 00:10:56,673
Tonight is Andy's night.
307
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:57,967
- Oh, are you kidding?
- My big bro!
308
00:10:57,967 --> 00:11:00,297
- Thanks, and congratulations.
- Thank you.
309
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:02,930
Oh, I can't wait to see
your new letterhead.
310
00:11:02,933 --> 00:11:05,773
Eldridge, Pinkney,
Whitehead & Weber?
311
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:08,627
Oh, no, they don't change
the name of the firm.
312
00:11:08,633 --> 00:11:09,873
It doesn't work like that.
313
00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:10,827
Oh.
314
00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:12,733
Well, good for you, anyway.
315
00:11:12,733 --> 00:11:13,703
(man)
Ladies.
316
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:14,730
Oh, yay, bread.
317
00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:15,873
- No!
- No bread!
318
00:11:15,867 --> 00:11:18,127
No bread!
319
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:21,303
Oh, I have the proofs
from Rutherford's
320
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:24,230
kindergarten application
photo shoot.
321
00:11:24,233 --> 00:11:25,403
(Candace)
Oh!
322
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,570
Mario Testino.
323
00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:27,997
(Candace)
Oh, of course, of course.
324
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,400
- Oh, precious.
- Yeah.
325
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,630
Jill, who did you hire
326
00:11:31,633 --> 00:11:33,273
to shoot your
children's photographs?
327
00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:34,427
Uh, me.
328
00:11:34,433 --> 00:11:37,103
My rates are great,
and I'm easy to work with.
329
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:39,330
Oh, right, you and your
little photography hobby.
330
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:41,703
Mother, it's not a hobby.
331
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,170
Jill shot for tons of magazines
before we had kids.
332
00:11:44,167 --> 00:11:45,697
Yeah, it's like that time
you let me
333
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:49,200
"drop off a package" at that
Victoria's Secret shoot.
334
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,200
That was awesome.
335
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,570
It was before
I met you, babe.
336
00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:59,167
Anyway,
to Lex and Brooke
337
00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:01,227
and bagels in China.
338
00:12:01,233 --> 00:12:03,603
May they never hear
of Dr. Atkins.
339
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,670
[laughter]
340
00:12:06,667 --> 00:12:08,897
(woman)
So how do you like working
on the Upper East Side?
341
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,030
(Vanessa)
Love it.
342
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:11,403
This is just such
a nice change of pace
343
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,400
from Bronx Central.
344
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,970
It's so clean here.
345
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,397
And you have toilet paper
in, like, every bathroom stall.
346
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:20,030
Yeah, it's a great hospital,
even if it has its quirks.
347
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,273
- Heads up.
- Coming through.
348
00:12:21,267 --> 00:12:23,267
Is that a sex machine?
Cool.
349
00:12:23,267 --> 00:12:24,497
Pilates Reformer.
350
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:27,000
We get eight to ten
workout-related injuries a week.
351
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,230
Jerry, I'm gonna need the
electrical saw and the drill.
352
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:32,673
Or we could just
cut off her ponytail.
353
00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:34,727
No, not my extensions.
354
00:12:34,733 --> 00:12:37,073
It's Indian hair.
355
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,197
- Like I said, yeah.
- Yeah.
356
00:12:40,467 --> 00:12:41,697
Oh, Jill,
357
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:43,430
Mrs. Hardwick
is coming to NACHO.
358
00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:44,603
I'm sponsoring her bike.
359
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:45,830
Hardwick, seriously?
360
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,033
Why?
361
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,203
Because that woman
has the ear
362
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,270
of every school
we're applying to.
363
00:12:51,267 --> 00:12:53,167
And if you come,
it'll remind her
364
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:56,427
that you're technically
part of our family.
365
00:12:56,433 --> 00:12:58,173
(Candace)
Brooke, darling, stop pushing.
366
00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:00,667
You're an Olympic skier.
[chuckles]
367
00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:02,227
Jill's people
aren't exactly known
368
00:13:02,233 --> 00:13:03,773
for their athletic prowess.
369
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:04,827
Mother.
370
00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:06,473
Well, she can't
just decide
371
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,397
to start moving
her body one day.
372
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:12,370
[laughing]
That would be like a panda
deciding to speed-skate.
373
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:14,267
That would be adorable!
374
00:13:14,267 --> 00:13:16,297
I can move my body.
375
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:17,730
I'm not a panda.
376
00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:19,033
Of course.
377
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:21,873
I just don't want anything
to go badly.
378
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:24,597
I appreciate
your concern, Candace,
379
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,100
but my "thass" and I
will be there.
380
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,027
Quick medical question.
381
00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:32,003
Am I at risk
for cardiac arrest
382
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,400
if I do Soul Wheelz
383
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,900
in my current state
of non-fitness?
384
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:38,900
Wait. Are you actually doing
that stupid NYACHO thing?
385
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,800
Yes, those blonde bitches
think I'm gonna break my ass.
386
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,500
What choice do I have?
387
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:46,530
Okay, I feel it's my
responsibility to remind you
388
00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:49,803
of your step-aerobics moment,
junior year.
389
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,500
It was a mild sprain,
390
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:53,700
and that teacher
wasn't even certified.
391
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:54,930
Fine, go.
392
00:13:54,933 --> 00:13:57,773
But you have to send me pictures
of you in spandex.
393
00:13:57,767 --> 00:13:59,497
It can be
my early birthday present.
394
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:00,570
Done.
395
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,167
Okay got to run.
I'm carbo-loading.
396
00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:03,467
Honey,
it's not a marathon.
397
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,127
It's 40 minutes
on a hamster wheel.
398
00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:06,903
You're right.
How hard could it be?
399
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:08,470
Plus, it's for a bad cause.
400
00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:09,727
[laughs]
401
00:14:09,733 --> 00:14:11,303
[phone ringing]
402
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,430
(Paul)
Hey!
403
00:14:12,433 --> 00:14:14,873
I understand
congratulations are in order.
404
00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:16,297
Thanks, Paul.
405
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,700
We are all very happy
for my brother's bank account.
406
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,030
No, I meant you.
407
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,433
You're a partner now.
408
00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:22,703
Come on, top of the heap.
409
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:23,830
Living large.
410
00:14:23,833 --> 00:14:24,833
What, did you forget?
411
00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:26,933
Almost, actually.
Thanks.
412
00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:28,173
It's quite
the club we're in.
413
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,497
115 of us partners
414
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,300
get to work
ten times as hard
415
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:34,570
just so the firm keeps
most of our salary.
416
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:35,927
You mean the buy-in.
417
00:14:35,933 --> 00:14:37,373
It's that bad?
418
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:40,367
Oh, they didn't tell you
about that yet.
419
00:14:40,367 --> 00:14:42,767
It's $750K for overhead,
420
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:45,067
plus another 50 grand
every year
421
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:46,497
towards the employee
health fund.
422
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:48,870
- What?
- Yeah, I know.
423
00:14:48,867 --> 00:14:50,867
You can either pay it
up front--ha ha--
424
00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:53,097
Or divvy it up
over a few years.
425
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,500
I've been a partner
ten years now.
426
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:58,200
So I only got another,
what, 16 years
427
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,400
before I'm
out of the hole.
428
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,330
Yeah, it's totally
worth it.
429
00:15:26,033 --> 00:15:27,373
Hi.
430
00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:29,997
Jill, you made it.
431
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,670
What is this, a unicorn?
432
00:15:31,667 --> 00:15:33,867
Is that--is that
a child's shirt?
433
00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,267
No, it's mine.
434
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:38,197
I don't have all
the, like, gear stuff, so...
435
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,200
Jill!
436
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,300
Welcome.
437
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:41,830
I moved mountains
to be here.
438
00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:43,303
I have you at bike four.
439
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:47,570
Actually, 44, in the back,
very back row.
440
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:48,967
Mrs. Hardwick, hi.
441
00:15:48,967 --> 00:15:51,567
Jill Weber,
Dottie and Miles' mom.
442
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:52,827
I just want to tell you,
443
00:15:52,833 --> 00:15:55,003
we are on the wait list
for Suzuki violin.
444
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,970
- Martha.
- Ashley, hi!
445
00:15:56,967 --> 00:15:58,297
- What happened?
- I know, I know.
446
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:00,500
That's why I sent you
that message.
447
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:03,370
Okay.
448
00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:04,827
- Hey, sweetheart.
- Hey.
449
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:06,173
Wow.
Look at this turnout, huh?
450
00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:07,327
I'm so proud of you.
451
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:08,433
Where's your spin outfit?
452
00:16:08,433 --> 00:16:09,633
I laid it out
on the bed for you.
453
00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:10,773
Oh, no, I couldn't.
454
00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:12,927
I just came for
the photo-op, right?
455
00:16:12,933 --> 00:16:14,503
I have to be at the club
in half an hour.
456
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:16,070
Actually,
in 23 minutes.
457
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,027
Sorry to butt in.
458
00:16:17,033 --> 00:16:18,673
One thing
that I asked of you.
459
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,767
Hey, do you want Ella
to stay and bike?
460
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,627
I don't need her
after this, huh?
461
00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:24,233
Why would I want
your assistant here?
462
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,273
You can't just throw her
at every problem.
463
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:29,097
Hey, everybody, let's give
a round of applause
464
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,100
for my beautiful wife,
Brooke, huh?
465
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:32,870
Who made all this happen.
466
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:34,397
[applause]
467
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,130
All right!
468
00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:38,203
[applause continues]
469
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,500
Hey, sweetheart,
how you doing, Jill?
470
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,900
Yeah, you guys have fun,
and NACHO, huh?
471
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:44,100
[applause]
472
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:45,970
[clears throat]
473
00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:49,467
There is a plague upon us.
474
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:52,897
Childhood obesity
is a scourge
475
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:55,070
affecting millions
of children
476
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:56,567
in this country,
477
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,327
like little Augustus here.
478
00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:02,733
Augustus,
come on up here.
479
00:17:02,733 --> 00:17:05,973
Your financial support
will help children
480
00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:10,267
by introducing prophylactic
gastric bypasses
481
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:15,467
for at-risk kids
with morbidly obese parents.
482
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:16,727
Thank you, Augustus,
483
00:17:16,733 --> 00:17:22,073
for being the brave face
of this hideous disease.
484
00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:25,627
[applause]
485
00:17:25,633 --> 00:17:26,833
Hey, are you okay?
486
00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:28,133
That was kind of harsh.
487
00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:29,333
I don't give a [bleep].
488
00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:32,133
I get 500 bucks
for these dog-and-pony shows.
489
00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:33,473
Not bad.
490
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:37,327
Now, let's give it up
for the soul of Soul Wheelz,
491
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,203
the one and only Nikki B!
492
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,200
[cheers and applause]
493
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,230
[upbeat music]
494
00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:45,273
♪ ♪
495
00:17:45,267 --> 00:17:47,427
Ah!
496
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:49,633
Are you bitches
ready to sweat?
497
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,833
[cheers and applause]
498
00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:57,667
Jack up that resistance.
499
00:17:57,667 --> 00:17:58,767
Come on.
500
00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:00,997
Only one of you
can be the leader
501
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,470
up on that board today.
502
00:18:03,467 --> 00:18:05,567
Who's it gonna be?
503
00:18:05,567 --> 00:18:06,927
And here we go.
504
00:18:06,933 --> 00:18:10,933
Right, left,
right, left.
505
00:18:10,933 --> 00:18:12,473
Bike 44,
506
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:15,167
what's happening
over there, unicorn?
507
00:18:15,167 --> 00:18:17,467
Are you with us?
508
00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:18,867
Turn your resistance down
509
00:18:18,867 --> 00:18:22,227
in three, two, one.
510
00:18:22,233 --> 00:18:23,503
Whoa!
511
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,070
Hey, yeah!
512
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:28,327
You got to move out
of your comfort zone, people.
513
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:30,933
Right, left, left, right,
left, right, left--
514
00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:32,773
Keep up, unicorn!
515
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:34,627
(all)
What's down there?
What's up there?
516
00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:36,803
What's down there?
What's up there?
517
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,830
(Nikki B)
I see who my leaders are.
518
00:18:39,833 --> 00:18:41,833
Unicorn, pick the pace up.
519
00:18:41,833 --> 00:18:43,973
Are you bitches
gonna sit back
520
00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:47,127
and let the pregnant lady
on bike 13 steal the title?
521
00:18:47,133 --> 00:18:49,503
Come on!
522
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,070
Unicorn, do you want
to be the leader,
523
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:54,067
or do you want to be
one of the pack?
524
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:02,170
There you go, better.
525
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:03,667
That's it.
526
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,697
- Clap-clap, clap-clap.
[rhythmic clapping]
527
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:08,500
(Nikki B)
Nice.
528
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,000
Stay with it, unicorn!
529
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,330
Stay with it!
530
00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,833
Come on!
531
00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:15,473
Am I seeing right?
532
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:18,067
The unicorn
has taken the lead!
533
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:20,227
Let's here it for unicorn!
534
00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:21,773
Un-i-corn!
535
00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:24,667
[all chanting, "Unicorn!"]
536
00:19:24,667 --> 00:19:27,797
(Nikki B)
Unicorn is our leader!
537
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,370
Left, right, left, right,
left, right,
538
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:31,827
left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right!
539
00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:33,903
You got to move through
your comfort zone!
540
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,430
You're gonna be dead
in 90 years!
541
00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:37,533
[door opens]
542
00:19:37,533 --> 00:19:39,373
Ooh, Daddy's home!
543
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:42,067
Daddy's home!
Daddy's home!
544
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:43,627
Hey, guys, hey.
545
00:19:43,633 --> 00:19:44,733
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
546
00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:46,403
Hi.
What's wrong?
547
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,770
You didn't make
$675 million today?
548
00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:50,067
No, I did not,
549
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,567
but I did
bring home tacos.
550
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:53,867
Even better!
551
00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:55,027
Whoo!
552
00:19:55,033 --> 00:19:56,773
I have an announcement
to make.
553
00:19:56,767 --> 00:19:57,767
Yeah?
554
00:19:57,767 --> 00:19:59,697
I love exercise now!
555
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,100
I was hyperventilating.
556
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,330
I thought
I was gonna die.
557
00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:04,473
And then I staggered home,
and I took a shower,
558
00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:06,297
and it was like
the clouds parted
559
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:07,900
and the angels sang.
560
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,470
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
561
00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:13,597
♪ Amen ♪
562
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,000
And I not only survived,
563
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,330
I was the leader...
564
00:20:16,333 --> 00:20:19,433
for 7 seconds,
but still.
565
00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:21,303
What's wrong?
566
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:25,100
We have to come up with about
a million bucks for the firm.
567
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:26,330
It's called a buy-in.
568
00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,073
So you got a million bucks
sitting around?
569
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:29,897
'Cause I don't.
570
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,730
Okay, that is sucky enough
to kill my buzz.
571
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:35,733
But I say let's freak out
about it tomorrow.
572
00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:37,933
And I want to show you
the photos I took
573
00:20:37,933 --> 00:20:39,833
for the kindergarten
applications.
574
00:20:39,833 --> 00:20:41,033
Okay, what do you think?
575
00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:43,403
Do these look like the future
leaders of tomorrow?
576
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,030
Supreme Court justices?
577
00:20:45,033 --> 00:20:46,203
Pop stars?
578
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,670
People who blog
about pop stars?
579
00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:49,967
(Andy)
Dentists, maybe.
580
00:20:49,967 --> 00:20:51,367
I have an idea.
581
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:53,497
Underwear dance par-tay!
582
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,500
[joyous music]
583
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:57,800
♪ ♪
584
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,970
Come on, Miles, get down!
585
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:06,427
♪ ♪
586
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:07,933
Holy Toledo.
587
00:21:09,633 --> 00:21:11,833
(Jill)
Ow, ow, agony.
588
00:21:11,833 --> 00:21:12,933
Ow!
Oh, my God!
589
00:21:12,933 --> 00:21:15,373
Ow, ow!
[grunts]
590
00:21:15,367 --> 00:21:18,327
[cell phone ringing]
591
00:21:20,433 --> 00:21:21,403
Hey, Jill.
592
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:22,730
I'm stuck
on the [bleep].
593
00:21:22,733 --> 00:21:24,773
[laughing]
594
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:25,867
Oh, babe.
595
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:26,997
I can't get up.
596
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,870
Why did you let me
do that?
597
00:21:28,867 --> 00:21:30,567
I tried to warn you.
598
00:21:30,567 --> 00:21:31,597
Ow!
599
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,600
The second day is worse.
600
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:39,770
I hate exercise!
601
00:21:39,767 --> 00:21:43,667
(Jill)
For more Odd Mom Out,
it couldn't wait one night?
602
00:21:43,667 --> 00:21:45,497
I mean, that's weird,
even for your family.
603
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:46,870
God only knows.
604
00:21:46,867 --> 00:21:49,127
Something about
their trip to Austria.
605
00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:51,333
Well, getting a sitter
on two hours' notice
606
00:21:51,333 --> 00:21:54,103
is like the triple Salchow
of parenting.
607
00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:55,930
It can't be done.
608
00:21:55,933 --> 00:21:57,103
But I did it.
609
00:21:57,100 --> 00:21:58,400
I made it happen.
610
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,100
[doorbell buzzes]
- Ooh.
611
00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:01,400
Hi, come on up.
612
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,070
So who'd we get,
Katie or Jenny?
613
00:22:03,067 --> 00:22:04,567
Katie or Jenny?
614
00:22:04,567 --> 00:22:05,927
Hon, are you high?
615
00:22:05,933 --> 00:22:08,403
We're not in a position
to get a babysitter we know.
616
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,770
We're desperados.
617
00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:12,197
So who the hell's looking
after our kids tonight?
618
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,600
Someone that the Goulds'
downstairs neighbor's
619
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,530
sitter's friend met
in improv class.
620
00:22:16,533 --> 00:22:19,333
[doorbell rings]
621
00:22:19,333 --> 00:22:20,833
Hi!
622
00:22:20,833 --> 00:22:22,273
Where are the kiddos?
623
00:22:22,267 --> 00:22:24,697
I brought toys.
624
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:26,770
I bet you did.
625
00:22:26,767 --> 00:22:29,167
Welcome.
626
00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:30,727
Kids, the booby-sitter--
627
00:22:30,733 --> 00:22:32,403
the babysitter's here.
628
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,270
Um, Can you pick your tongue
off the floor?
629
00:22:34,267 --> 00:22:35,227
We've got to go.
630
00:22:35,233 --> 00:22:36,273
We have a reservation.
631
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:38,467
♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪
632
00:22:38,467 --> 00:22:41,727
♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪
633
00:22:44,867 --> 00:22:48,127
Okay, we scrounged up
a sitter at the last minute.
634
00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:50,973
Pretty sure she's a porn star,
but she was available.
635
00:22:50,967 --> 00:22:54,067
What is this urgent,
thrilling news?
636
00:22:54,067 --> 00:22:56,227
It's official.
637
00:22:56,233 --> 00:22:59,873
We're not regular people.
638
00:22:59,867 --> 00:23:01,727
We're Vons.
639
00:23:01,733 --> 00:23:03,573
And so are you.
640
00:23:05,067 --> 00:23:06,427
- What?
- What does that mean?
641
00:23:06,433 --> 00:23:07,903
(Candace)
As you know, one of the reasons
642
00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:09,430
why we flew to Vienna
for the weekend
643
00:23:09,433 --> 00:23:11,873
was to explore
our family history.
644
00:23:11,867 --> 00:23:15,397
And we discovered that
we are direct descendants
645
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:18,170
of a 16-century
Prussian duke,
646
00:23:18,167 --> 00:23:20,327
Ludwig Von Weber,
647
00:23:20,333 --> 00:23:24,973
which means we are actually
Austrian aristocracy.
648
00:23:24,967 --> 00:23:25,967
Rad.
649
00:23:25,967 --> 00:23:26,967
Oh, yay, bre--
650
00:23:26,967 --> 00:23:29,827
- No bread!
- No bread!
651
00:23:29,833 --> 00:23:31,533
Anyway, I was telling Dottie
652
00:23:31,533 --> 00:23:33,133
the other day
for the thousandth time
653
00:23:33,133 --> 00:23:34,633
that she can't pee
standing up.
654
00:23:34,633 --> 00:23:37,073
Jillybean, you're not
hearing the best part.
655
00:23:37,067 --> 00:23:41,327
We're all changing our name
to Von Weber.
656
00:23:41,333 --> 00:23:43,503
Ha, right!
657
00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:45,370
Oh, my God,
you're serious?
658
00:23:45,367 --> 00:23:47,227
Well, we're not
actually changing.
659
00:23:47,233 --> 00:23:48,903
We're restoring.
660
00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:50,930
Now, if a Cezanne
were chipped,
661
00:23:50,933 --> 00:23:52,703
it would be
restored, yes?
662
00:23:52,700 --> 00:23:55,300
You see, this is just
genealogical art history.
663
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:57,230
(Andy)
Okay, I mean,
it's very exciting.
664
00:23:57,233 --> 00:23:58,603
But, I mean,
don't you find it
665
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,600
just ever so slightly
pretentious?
666
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,770
Is it pretentious
to call Judi Dench
667
00:24:03,767 --> 00:24:06,227
Dame Judi Dench?
668
00:24:06,233 --> 00:24:07,673
No.
669
00:24:07,667 --> 00:24:10,197
I redid all of Rutherford's
kindergarten applications,
670
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:14,370
and let me just say...
it's good.
671
00:24:14,367 --> 00:24:17,027
Adding the Von could really
give the twins a leg up,
672
00:24:17,033 --> 00:24:20,673
which, if you
think about it...
673
00:24:20,667 --> 00:24:22,267
Just think about it.
674
00:24:22,267 --> 00:24:25,197
So I'm curious,
during your research,
675
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,870
did you happen
to stumble upon
676
00:24:26,867 --> 00:24:31,797
where this Von Weber clan was
during the 1930s and '40s?
677
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,670
You know, the tree gets a little
fuzzy in that time period.
678
00:24:34,667 --> 00:24:38,027
But a branch of the family
did resurface in Argentina
679
00:24:38,033 --> 00:24:41,133
in the '60s,
which is cool.
680
00:24:41,133 --> 00:24:42,473
(Jill)
They're Nazis.
681
00:24:42,467 --> 00:24:43,897
It explains everything.
682
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:45,400
They're not Nazis.
683
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,170
Look at the antlers
on your family crest.
684
00:24:48,167 --> 00:24:51,367
And did you see how they
signaled for no bread?
685
00:24:51,367 --> 00:24:52,997
We are not changing our name.
686
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,970
No, never, nyet.
687
00:24:54,967 --> 00:24:56,627
Nyet is Russian.
688
00:24:56,633 --> 00:24:57,903
I think you mean nein.
689
00:24:57,900 --> 00:25:00,230
And, honey, just playing
devil's advocate.
690
00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:02,073
What about the kindergarten
applications thing?
691
00:25:02,067 --> 00:25:05,697
These schools do pop a boner
over fancy lineage.
692
00:25:05,700 --> 00:25:08,800
Oh, I still have a tsunami
of applications to finish.
693
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,800
I know it's weird
and unnecessary,
694
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,130
but they're my family.
695
00:25:12,133 --> 00:25:13,433
We have to pick our battles.
696
00:25:13,433 --> 00:25:15,203
And at the end
of the day, sweetie,
697
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,800
it's three letters, right?
698
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,800
So could you just pretend
to think about it?
699
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,070
Sure.
700
00:25:22,067 --> 00:25:23,927
(Miles)
Mommy, I'm scared!
701
00:25:23,933 --> 00:25:25,503
Oh. That's the fourth night
in a row.
702
00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:26,470
What the hell?
703
00:25:26,467 --> 00:25:28,167
Mommy!
704
00:25:28,167 --> 00:25:29,597
Do you want me
to go deal with it?
705
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,600
Nein, I'll go.
706
00:25:37,767 --> 00:25:39,797
Everything has
to be re-monogrammed.
707
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,270
The linens,
all three china patterns,
708
00:25:42,267 --> 00:25:44,227
The silver set,
the flatware.
709
00:25:44,233 --> 00:25:46,903
Oh, did you find
any needy W families
710
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:48,300
who would appreciate
that stuff?
711
00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:49,700
I'd hate to just
throw it all out.
712
00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:52,600
Not yet, but I am
still looking.
713
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:55,000
It's every bit as exciting
as you said, Brookey!
714
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,070
I know!
715
00:25:56,067 --> 00:25:58,127
Confession--
I always thought Weber
716
00:25:58,133 --> 00:26:00,003
was a little ho-hum,
kitchen sink.
717
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,870
That's because
it was Americanized.
718
00:26:02,867 --> 00:26:04,197
Oh, just think.
719
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,270
This baby will never
have to live a day
720
00:26:06,267 --> 00:26:07,697
as a non-Von.
721
00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:08,700
Gay-men.
722
00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:10,070
[doorbell rings]
723
00:26:10,067 --> 00:26:12,397
Nicole, can you get that?
724
00:26:14,533 --> 00:26:15,833
The kids are doing great.
725
00:26:15,833 --> 00:26:18,633
Thank you for asking.
726
00:26:18,633 --> 00:26:20,233
Dude, you want Nicole
727
00:26:20,233 --> 00:26:22,273
to make you an espresso
or a smoothie?
728
00:26:22,267 --> 00:26:24,297
No, no, I'm good.
Thanks.
729
00:26:24,300 --> 00:26:26,700
It's not even 8:00.
It's like Grand Central here.
730
00:26:26,700 --> 00:26:28,900
I don't even notice
anymore.
731
00:26:28,900 --> 00:26:30,130
What's going on?
732
00:26:30,133 --> 00:26:32,033
You need money?
733
00:26:32,033 --> 00:26:33,233
Jesus.
734
00:26:33,233 --> 00:26:37,073
Could you please not get
all dick-swingy on me?
735
00:26:37,067 --> 00:26:39,727
Even if I did need money,
I wouldn't ask you.
736
00:26:39,733 --> 00:26:40,773
Why not?
737
00:26:40,767 --> 00:26:42,097
I'd do anything for you.
738
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,330
You know how much money
you've loaned me over the years?
739
00:26:44,333 --> 00:26:48,873
$6,300 for your dorm-brewed
beer business at Dartmouth,
740
00:26:48,867 --> 00:26:50,467
not to mention all
the pro-bono legal help
741
00:26:50,467 --> 00:26:52,697
I gave you when that kid
nearly died drinking it.
742
00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:54,070
He was such a faker.
743
00:26:54,067 --> 00:26:55,727
He was on
life support, Lex.
744
00:26:55,733 --> 00:26:57,533
For, like, a day.
745
00:26:57,533 --> 00:26:58,733
The rock.
746
00:26:58,733 --> 00:27:00,033
Let's see what you got.
747
00:27:00,033 --> 00:27:01,673
Splash.
748
00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:02,927
Nice shot.
749
00:27:02,933 --> 00:27:05,203
So are you guys actually
gonna do this Von thing?
750
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:06,570
What's your problem
with it?
751
00:27:06,567 --> 00:27:08,397
Splash.
752
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,930
It just seems kind of douchey,
don't you think?
753
00:27:10,933 --> 00:27:13,103
It's our heritage.
754
00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:14,430
Look alive.
755
00:27:14,433 --> 00:27:15,703
Okay.
756
00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:16,700
Here we go.
757
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,170
All right, well,
I've been working a lot lately.
758
00:27:21,167 --> 00:27:23,067
Just because some lackey
at Ellis Island
759
00:27:23,067 --> 00:27:25,297
was too lazy
to put the letters V-O-N
760
00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:26,700
on our ancestors' papers,
761
00:27:26,700 --> 00:27:29,070
why should our children
and our grandchildren
762
00:27:29,067 --> 00:27:31,767
be deprived
of their cultural identity?
763
00:27:31,767 --> 00:27:34,397
Plus, it sounds badass.
764
00:27:38,767 --> 00:27:41,967
(woman)
There is a fast-spreading wave
of overconsumption
765
00:27:41,967 --> 00:27:44,197
ignited by the nouveau riche
766
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,530
and colored by our children
with a gilded confusion
767
00:27:47,533 --> 00:27:49,873
between mass and class.
768
00:27:49,867 --> 00:27:51,427
Let me get
this straight.
769
00:27:51,433 --> 00:27:55,233
This is like a club for
descendants of Euro nobility?
770
00:27:55,233 --> 00:27:57,103
No portfolio
can buy heritage.
771
00:27:57,100 --> 00:27:58,400
Brooke and Candace jumped
772
00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,200
at the chance to join,
of course.
773
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,800
Now they want me
to experience it
774
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,330
while we're considering
Von-ification.
775
00:28:04,333 --> 00:28:05,603
Thank you for coming.
776
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,100
Sometimes I just
need a witness.
777
00:28:07,100 --> 00:28:09,400
Please, you had me
at "free food and open bar."
778
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:14,470
And one can't buy
a transfusion of blue blood.
779
00:28:14,467 --> 00:28:16,067
I'd rather
eat my spleen.
780
00:28:16,067 --> 00:28:17,797
Let's go.
781
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,170
[Jill crunching]
782
00:28:19,167 --> 00:28:21,727
Try the shrimp.
It's amazing.
783
00:28:21,733 --> 00:28:23,473
Okay, I'm dying to hear
about the new guy.
784
00:28:23,467 --> 00:28:24,627
What's his name, again?
785
00:28:24,633 --> 00:28:26,533
Timothy.
We had drinks at The Standard.
786
00:28:26,533 --> 00:28:28,373
- Love.
- He's into bird watching.
787
00:28:28,367 --> 00:28:29,367
Weird.
788
00:28:29,367 --> 00:28:31,727
He's also
a big baseball fanatic.
789
00:28:31,733 --> 00:28:33,203
- Snooze-a-roonie.
- Oh, and this is sad.
790
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,130
His parents died
in a plane crash when he was 12.
791
00:28:35,133 --> 00:28:37,273
He's an orphan?
792
00:28:37,267 --> 00:28:38,827
Wait.
That's fantastic!
793
00:28:38,833 --> 00:28:42,003
A guy without parents
is a deal-maker.
794
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:42,970
Marry that guy.
795
00:28:42,967 --> 00:28:44,267
Crack out the ketubah.
796
00:28:44,267 --> 00:28:45,927
I'm not getting
married again.
797
00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:47,333
I might not even
sleep with him.
798
00:28:47,333 --> 00:28:49,373
Maybe just dinner
and a little hand stuff.
799
00:28:49,367 --> 00:28:50,967
Okay, yum.
800
00:28:50,967 --> 00:28:53,827
I'm totally reconsidering
this whole Von thing.
801
00:28:53,833 --> 00:28:55,203
You should do it.
802
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:56,400
Candace, Brooke, and Lex
803
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,670
would have a simultaneous
orgasm if we agreed.
804
00:28:58,667 --> 00:28:59,627
Hi, guys.
805
00:28:59,633 --> 00:29:00,673
Hi!
806
00:29:00,667 --> 00:29:02,397
Ugh, I have to pee again.
807
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,500
God, I hate being pregnant.
I'm Chris Christie.
808
00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:08,100
[sighs]
How exciting is this, huh?
809
00:29:08,100 --> 00:29:12,270
Gianni del Bianco is the most
exclusive spa in Europe.
810
00:29:12,267 --> 00:29:14,067
Even I couldn't get
an appointment
811
00:29:14,067 --> 00:29:15,727
in one of my last trips
to Rome.
812
00:29:15,733 --> 00:29:17,303
(Vanessa)
That's an outrage.
813
00:29:17,300 --> 00:29:20,230
I hope you told the Pope.
814
00:29:20,233 --> 00:29:22,603
They're offering us--
sorry, Vanessa--
815
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:27,270
a day of beauty at their
first location in the States.
816
00:29:27,267 --> 00:29:29,197
Candace and I are booked
for next Monday,
817
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,400
and you are coming with.
818
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,630
Oh, that's so nice.
819
00:29:32,633 --> 00:29:35,073
But I can't even think
about next Monday or anything
820
00:29:35,067 --> 00:29:37,567
until I get the twins' school
applications in the mail.
821
00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:39,697
Jill, you're not
seriously putting
822
00:29:39,700 --> 00:29:41,400
your children's futures
in the hands
823
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,570
of the U.S. Postal Service,
are you?
824
00:29:43,567 --> 00:29:46,827
Nicole is hand-delivering all
of Rutherford's applications,
825
00:29:46,833 --> 00:29:49,103
and I'd be happy to have
her do that for you.
826
00:29:49,100 --> 00:29:52,370
That's so sweet,
but it's okay.
827
00:29:52,367 --> 00:29:54,267
I say this with love.
828
00:29:54,267 --> 00:29:55,867
But, um...
829
00:29:55,867 --> 00:29:59,667
you're starting
to look a bit late-30s.
830
00:29:59,667 --> 00:30:00,897
Just from above the neck.
831
00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:02,500
Well, I'm 39.
832
00:30:02,500 --> 00:30:04,100
The neck too.
833
00:30:04,100 --> 00:30:06,070
You deserve some pampering.
834
00:30:06,067 --> 00:30:08,727
I'm gonna have Nicole
call you, okay?
835
00:30:08,733 --> 00:30:10,733
(Brooke)
Tootles.
836
00:30:10,733 --> 00:30:13,533
For Brooke,
that was really nice.
837
00:30:13,533 --> 00:30:14,833
A little too nice.
838
00:30:14,833 --> 00:30:17,033
Why do I feel like Adrianna
from The Sopranos
839
00:30:17,033 --> 00:30:18,433
right before
she got whacked?
840
00:30:18,433 --> 00:30:20,203
Well, if you don't go,
I will.
841
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,800
I've read about
that stem-cell facial
842
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:23,030
in the New York Times,
843
00:30:23,033 --> 00:30:24,233
and it sounds "ridic."
844
00:30:24,233 --> 00:30:27,673
[cell phone chimes]
- Ooh, it's Timothy.
845
00:30:27,667 --> 00:30:29,097
- Do you mind?
- Not at all.
846
00:30:29,100 --> 00:30:30,230
Lock that orphan down.
847
00:30:30,233 --> 00:30:32,033
You wouldn't have in-laws.
848
00:30:32,033 --> 00:30:33,533
Lock that Von down.
849
00:30:33,533 --> 00:30:36,303
I want to come back here
with a bigger purse.
850
00:30:40,167 --> 00:30:41,227
(Jill)
Hmm...
851
00:30:45,833 --> 00:30:48,833
[cell phone ringing]
852
00:30:54,267 --> 00:30:58,597
[ringing continues]
853
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:02,200
Have not had coffee yet.
Sorry in advance.
854
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:05,300
So how was date three
with the orphan?
855
00:31:05,300 --> 00:31:06,730
Are you engaged yet?
856
00:31:06,733 --> 00:31:08,803
Uh...
maybe the opposite.
857
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,400
We took a romantic trip
to Bone Town,
858
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,100
and I just woke up.
859
00:31:13,100 --> 00:31:14,130
Gone.
860
00:31:14,133 --> 00:31:15,103
He just left?
861
00:31:15,100 --> 00:31:17,770
- Who does that?
- Me, usually.
862
00:31:17,767 --> 00:31:19,727
I've thrown myself
down trash chutes
863
00:31:19,733 --> 00:31:21,433
to avoid the morning after.
864
00:31:21,433 --> 00:31:22,403
What's up with you?
865
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:23,670
Okay, it's D-Day.
866
00:31:23,667 --> 00:31:25,427
Kindergarten applications
are due.
867
00:31:25,433 --> 00:31:27,203
And don't laugh,
868
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,530
but I'm really torn
about this Von thing.
869
00:31:29,533 --> 00:31:31,433
Brooke is sending
one of her nannies over
870
00:31:31,433 --> 00:31:33,233
to pick up my applications
any minute.
871
00:31:33,233 --> 00:31:34,833
- What do I do?
- What does Andy say?
872
00:31:34,833 --> 00:31:35,803
You know him.
873
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,530
He just wants
to please his family.
874
00:31:37,533 --> 00:31:39,873
He even printed out
another set of applications
875
00:31:39,867 --> 00:31:41,727
and filled them out
with "Von Weber"
876
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:43,373
to try to change my mind.
877
00:31:43,367 --> 00:31:44,767
But every time
I reach for that pile,
878
00:31:44,767 --> 00:31:47,567
I feel like I'm joining
the Aryan Nation.
879
00:31:47,567 --> 00:31:49,467
Who's crazy this time,
them or me?
880
00:31:49,467 --> 00:31:50,897
Usually
it's pretty clear-cut,
881
00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:54,000
but, oof, that raw bar
is clouding my judgment.
882
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,630
[knock at door]
883
00:31:55,633 --> 00:31:56,873
That's weird.
884
00:31:56,867 --> 00:31:58,597
Jill,
I'll call you back.
885
00:32:02,467 --> 00:32:03,597
Timothy!
886
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:06,030
Hey, you.
887
00:32:06,033 --> 00:32:07,773
What's happening?
888
00:32:07,767 --> 00:32:08,967
I'm making us breakfast.
889
00:32:08,967 --> 00:32:10,227
What did you think
was happening?
890
00:32:10,233 --> 00:32:13,233
I make a mean
Spanish omelet.
891
00:32:13,233 --> 00:32:14,633
Wait. You didn't think
I'd just take off
892
00:32:14,633 --> 00:32:16,373
without saying good-bye?
893
00:32:16,367 --> 00:32:18,927
I've heard that happens.
894
00:32:21,567 --> 00:32:23,527
Oh, do you have
a 12-inch cast iron?
895
00:32:23,533 --> 00:32:25,603
Nonstick would work,
but I like cast iron.
896
00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:27,000
Better flavor.
897
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:32,130
[Jill's voice warbling]
898
00:32:35,667 --> 00:32:39,427
Ahh!
Oh, my God.
899
00:32:39,433 --> 00:32:42,603
So, Jill, what happened
this morning with Nicole?
900
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:44,030
She said you had a conflict.
901
00:32:44,033 --> 00:32:45,033
Big-time.
902
00:32:45,033 --> 00:32:46,033
Identity...
903
00:32:46,033 --> 00:32:47,773
♪ crisis ♪
904
00:32:47,767 --> 00:32:50,297
Oh, my God,
that feels so good.
905
00:32:50,300 --> 00:32:51,730
I'll spare you the details,
906
00:32:51,733 --> 00:32:54,703
but I schlepped both piles
of school applications up here,
907
00:32:54,700 --> 00:32:56,730
Von and non-Von,
908
00:32:56,733 --> 00:32:59,733
and I'm just gonna see
where the day takes me.
909
00:32:59,733 --> 00:33:00,903
[sighs]
910
00:33:00,900 --> 00:33:02,400
Will you move in
with me?
911
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,430
If she doesn't show up
at work tomorrow,
912
00:33:04,433 --> 00:33:06,373
she's chloroformed
in my closet.
913
00:33:06,367 --> 00:33:08,227
[laughter]
914
00:33:08,233 --> 00:33:11,503
Jill, you're funny!
915
00:33:11,500 --> 00:33:12,800
You're overthinking it.
916
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:14,430
It's only a name.
917
00:33:14,433 --> 00:33:17,673
Well, a name that has already
opened up many doors.
918
00:33:17,667 --> 00:33:20,267
I just got a table
at Danny Meyer's new taqueria,
919
00:33:20,267 --> 00:33:22,667
after weeks of trying
with no success.
920
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:25,527
My point is, this is
just the beginning.
921
00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,170
Oh, my God.
922
00:33:30,167 --> 00:33:31,397
Jill!
923
00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,770
You look young enough
to still have your period.
924
00:33:33,767 --> 00:33:36,867
Oh, my, she does
look radiant.
925
00:33:36,867 --> 00:33:39,997
I told you they're famous
for their stem-cell facials.
926
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:41,900
It's illegal
in most countries.
927
00:33:41,900 --> 00:33:43,470
Can I see?
928
00:33:43,467 --> 00:33:46,497
[sweeping mandolin music]
929
00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:49,130
♪ ♪
930
00:33:49,133 --> 00:33:50,673
(woman)
I'm terribly sorry
to bother you,
931
00:33:50,667 --> 00:33:52,567
but there's a Nicole
at the desk
932
00:33:52,567 --> 00:33:55,967
asking for a package
she's meant to pick up.
933
00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:57,727
(Brooke)
Jill.
934
00:33:57,733 --> 00:33:59,903
Jill!
935
00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:01,670
Tell her...
936
00:34:01,667 --> 00:34:04,727
Jill Von Weber
will be right there.
937
00:34:13,767 --> 00:34:15,197
Thanks again.
938
00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:18,870
That was the most action
that this kitchen's ever had.
939
00:34:18,867 --> 00:34:20,727
Oh.
940
00:34:23,300 --> 00:34:26,630
Is it bad that I want
to see you again really soon?
941
00:34:26,633 --> 00:34:29,573
- Like, how soon?
- I was thinking tonight.
942
00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:32,967
Oh, look at you
with no intimacy issues.
943
00:34:32,967 --> 00:34:35,397
Sure. Text me later.
I'll be at work.
944
00:34:37,300 --> 00:34:38,900
One more.
945
00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:42,970
Okay.
946
00:34:42,967 --> 00:34:44,527
One more.
947
00:34:44,533 --> 00:34:46,003
- Okay, but that's the last one.
- Mm-hmm.
948
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:47,230
- For reals.
- Okay.
949
00:34:47,233 --> 00:34:49,003
I'm leaving.
950
00:34:50,167 --> 00:34:52,127
- Bye.
- Bye.
951
00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:58,200
To Jill becoming a Von.
952
00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:00,470
To Jill learning
to luxuriate.
953
00:35:00,467 --> 00:35:03,427
To Nicole, who's delivering
14 applications
954
00:35:03,433 --> 00:35:05,133
while I beautify.
955
00:35:05,133 --> 00:35:07,233
Vons really do
have more fun.
956
00:35:07,233 --> 00:35:09,833
[laughter]
957
00:35:09,833 --> 00:35:10,973
So true.
958
00:35:10,967 --> 00:35:12,027
Hilarious.
959
00:35:12,033 --> 00:35:14,673
[laughs]
Jill, you're a hoot.
960
00:35:14,667 --> 00:35:17,527
Anyway, thank you so much
for including me.
961
00:35:17,533 --> 00:35:19,333
This is really such a treat.
962
00:35:19,333 --> 00:35:21,203
We don't spend
enough time together,
963
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:22,730
the three of us.
964
00:35:22,733 --> 00:35:25,873
You know,
the longer I live,
965
00:35:25,867 --> 00:35:29,897
the more I realize
how important it is...
966
00:35:29,900 --> 00:35:31,670
to stay thin.
967
00:35:31,667 --> 00:35:32,627
Yeah.
968
00:35:32,633 --> 00:35:34,803
Oh, no bread!
969
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:36,700
I'm sorry.
I thought you had bread.
970
00:35:36,700 --> 00:35:37,900
Sorry.
971
00:35:37,900 --> 00:35:40,070
Anyway, I can't believe
that I still have
972
00:35:40,067 --> 00:35:42,767
a hot-stone massage
to look forward to after lunch.
973
00:35:42,767 --> 00:35:44,167
[laughter]
974
00:35:44,167 --> 00:35:45,427
What's going on?
975
00:35:45,433 --> 00:35:48,133
You are not getting
a hot-stone massage.
976
00:35:48,133 --> 00:35:52,033
We got you a surprise
treatment instead.
977
00:35:52,033 --> 00:35:53,573
Seriously?
978
00:35:53,567 --> 00:35:55,797
I don't like surprises
when I know they're coming.
979
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:57,300
Don't worry.
980
00:35:57,300 --> 00:36:01,770
Just relax and savor
your new identity.
981
00:36:01,767 --> 00:36:03,097
Okay.
982
00:36:03,100 --> 00:36:05,130
By the way,
I just told Andy the news.
983
00:36:05,133 --> 00:36:06,473
I think he's in shock.
984
00:36:06,467 --> 00:36:09,267
[laughs]
Probably is.
985
00:36:12,567 --> 00:36:14,627
I love being married,
but next time around,
986
00:36:14,633 --> 00:36:16,973
I'm definitely not
changing my name.
987
00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:18,697
(woman)
Talk later.
988
00:36:18,700 --> 00:36:20,330
I'm sorry.
989
00:36:20,333 --> 00:36:21,403
I couldn't help
but overhear.
990
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,670
I'm Andy, by the way.
991
00:36:23,667 --> 00:36:26,397
Curious, why the regrets
about changing your name?
992
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:27,970
Oh, my God,
don't get me started.
993
00:36:27,967 --> 00:36:29,427
Logistical nightmare.
994
00:36:29,433 --> 00:36:33,133
My credit cards, bills,
my passport, bank statements,
995
00:36:33,133 --> 00:36:35,873
Facebook account,
everything had to be changed.
996
00:36:35,867 --> 00:36:38,467
Just last week,
I couldn't get on to a flight
997
00:36:38,467 --> 00:36:39,897
because my airline tickets
998
00:36:39,900 --> 00:36:41,370
didn't match
my driver's license.
999
00:36:41,367 --> 00:36:42,767
I went berserk.
1000
00:36:42,767 --> 00:36:43,827
One of me is probably
1001
00:36:43,833 --> 00:36:45,433
on a terrorist
watch list by now.
1002
00:36:45,433 --> 00:36:47,233
Ironically, I'm thinking
of changing my name.
1003
00:36:47,233 --> 00:36:48,573
I was going to, but now...
1004
00:36:48,567 --> 00:36:50,127
Oh, don't listen to me.
1005
00:36:50,133 --> 00:36:51,833
You should totally
go for it.
1006
00:36:51,833 --> 00:36:53,333
Same-sex marriage is, like,
1007
00:36:53,333 --> 00:36:55,373
the most important
issue right now.
1008
00:36:55,367 --> 00:36:57,327
Are you guys hyphenating
or doing a hybrid or...?
1009
00:36:57,333 --> 00:36:58,573
Uh...
1010
00:36:58,567 --> 00:36:59,627
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
[phone ringing]
1011
00:36:59,633 --> 00:37:00,773
I just think
it's so romantic
1012
00:37:00,767 --> 00:37:01,997
to share a name
with someone you love.
1013
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:03,100
Excuse me.
1014
00:37:03,100 --> 00:37:05,170
Hi.
this is Tamra Slutsky.
1015
00:37:05,167 --> 00:37:07,627
Not as far as I know.
1016
00:37:07,633 --> 00:37:09,573
Is it a Reiki treatment?
1017
00:37:09,567 --> 00:37:10,827
Dead Sea salt scrub?
1018
00:37:10,833 --> 00:37:13,903
Oh, is it a reading
by your psychic Ronaldo?
1019
00:37:13,900 --> 00:37:16,900
Honestly, I'm a skeptic
dying to be converted.
1020
00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:18,330
Tell her, Brooke.
1021
00:37:18,333 --> 00:37:22,303
We thought it might be fun
to try out some new looks.
1022
00:37:22,300 --> 00:37:24,700
Okay, what kind
of new looks?
1023
00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:26,670
Just a few minor tweaks
here and there,
1024
00:37:26,667 --> 00:37:29,297
starting with some
caramel highlights.
1025
00:37:29,300 --> 00:37:30,900
But I like my hair
the way it is.
1026
00:37:30,900 --> 00:37:34,000
Oh, trust us, Jill.
You're very severe.
1027
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,730
(Brooke)
You could be so much prettier
if you tried.
1028
00:37:36,733 --> 00:37:38,703
Like, so much prettier.
1029
00:37:38,700 --> 00:37:40,670
We just want to
brighten up your look,
1030
00:37:40,667 --> 00:37:41,797
introduce you to bronzer.
1031
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:42,830
Bronzer.
1032
00:37:42,833 --> 00:37:44,103
Think softening.
1033
00:37:44,100 --> 00:37:45,870
Think youth.
1034
00:37:45,867 --> 00:37:47,397
Think blood
in the veins.
1035
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,970
Thanks, but I think I'm gonna
stick with my own thing.
1036
00:37:49,967 --> 00:37:53,067
Oh, sweetie, ever since
the Hercules sale,
1037
00:37:53,067 --> 00:37:55,467
our family is
in the spotlight.
1038
00:37:55,467 --> 00:37:56,497
Center stage.
1039
00:37:56,500 --> 00:37:58,130
You're in the wings,
of course,
1040
00:37:58,133 --> 00:38:01,173
but if you can see them,
they can see you.
1041
00:38:01,167 --> 00:38:03,667
And we want you
to look your best.
1042
00:38:03,667 --> 00:38:05,267
You're a Von now.
1043
00:38:05,267 --> 00:38:07,297
Own it.
1044
00:38:07,300 --> 00:38:09,500
Okay.
1045
00:38:09,500 --> 00:38:10,730
Lucinda?
1046
00:38:10,733 --> 00:38:12,773
[cart creaking]
1047
00:38:12,767 --> 00:38:15,767
[ominous music]
1048
00:38:15,767 --> 00:38:19,127
♪ ♪
1049
00:38:19,133 --> 00:38:22,473
Highlights.
1050
00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:24,027
Pastels.
1051
00:38:24,033 --> 00:38:25,133
(Brooke)
Ladylike.
1052
00:38:25,133 --> 00:38:26,333
The sky.
1053
00:38:26,333 --> 00:38:27,573
- Lavender
- Perfume.
1054
00:38:27,567 --> 00:38:28,597
Soft.
1055
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:29,730
(Candace)
Nonthreatening.
1056
00:38:29,733 --> 00:38:32,133
(Brooke)
Girly, golden retrievers.
1057
00:38:32,133 --> 00:38:33,173
No.
1058
00:38:33,167 --> 00:38:34,227
- Pretty.
- No.
1059
00:38:34,233 --> 00:38:35,773
Feminine.
1060
00:38:35,767 --> 00:38:36,967
Aah!
1061
00:38:36,967 --> 00:38:39,367
No, I--
This isn't happening!
1062
00:38:39,367 --> 00:38:41,267
Jill, calm yourself.
1063
00:38:41,267 --> 00:38:43,427
Look, I know
you mean well.
1064
00:38:43,433 --> 00:38:44,773
I'm pretty sure
you mean well.
1065
00:38:44,767 --> 00:38:46,797
But this is who I am.
1066
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:48,200
And if you'll excuse me,
1067
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:52,170
I have 14 non-Von applications
to deliver.
1068
00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:56,500
[upbeat rock music]
1069
00:38:56,500 --> 00:39:04,530
♪ ♪
1070
00:39:12,567 --> 00:39:14,867
Hello. Hi.
Wonderful to be here.
1071
00:39:14,867 --> 00:39:17,727
I specifically hand-delivered
these applications
1072
00:39:17,733 --> 00:39:20,403
'cause you're
our first-choice school.
1073
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,030
Save the boot-licking
for my boss.
1074
00:39:22,033 --> 00:39:24,173
I'm just here to collect
the applications.
1075
00:39:24,167 --> 00:39:26,127
Appreciate your honesty.
1076
00:39:26,133 --> 00:39:27,133
Cheers.
1077
00:39:27,133 --> 00:39:28,803
One down, 13 to go.
1078
00:39:32,700 --> 00:39:34,730
Aah!
1079
00:39:42,233 --> 00:39:43,903
but are you
furious with me?
1080
00:39:43,900 --> 00:39:45,300
Oh, I don't know.
1081
00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:47,100
I might be able
to forgive you,
1082
00:39:47,100 --> 00:39:48,870
with a little persuasion.
1083
00:39:48,867 --> 00:39:50,367
Oh, really?
1084
00:39:50,367 --> 00:39:53,227
What kind of persuasion,
my tall,
1085
00:39:53,233 --> 00:39:56,803
handsome,
aristocratic husband?
1086
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:58,800
This kind.
1087
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:01,030
(Miles)
Mommy! I'm scared!
1088
00:40:01,033 --> 00:40:03,673
- What is wrong with him?
- He needs to grow a pair.
1089
00:40:06,433 --> 00:40:07,533
(Miles)
Mommy!
1090
00:40:07,533 --> 00:40:09,333
- Eff me hard.
- Oh!
1091
00:40:09,333 --> 00:40:10,833
That's what I was
trying to do.
1092
00:40:10,833 --> 00:40:12,473
Coming, honey!
1093
00:40:15,067 --> 00:40:17,227
- Damn.
- Right?
1094
00:40:21,033 --> 00:40:23,133
Hey, where are you going?
1095
00:40:23,133 --> 00:40:24,473
Just the bathroom.
1096
00:40:24,467 --> 00:40:26,497
Oh, no, don't go.
1097
00:40:26,500 --> 00:40:30,030
Aw, you're cute.
1098
00:40:30,033 --> 00:40:31,833
Really, don't, okay?
1099
00:40:31,833 --> 00:40:32,873
Just, like, not yet.
1100
00:40:32,867 --> 00:40:33,867
Come back.
1101
00:40:33,867 --> 00:40:35,167
I will, in a sec.
1102
00:40:35,167 --> 00:40:36,997
I just have to pee
and take my contacts out.
1103
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,470
You go to sleep.
I'll be right back.
1104
00:40:38,467 --> 00:40:39,897
Okay, but, like,
really hurry back
1105
00:40:39,900 --> 00:40:41,630
and don't even
wash your hands.
1106
00:40:43,867 --> 00:40:47,167
Um, it's okay.
1107
00:40:47,167 --> 00:40:48,697
I can go later.
1108
00:40:48,700 --> 00:40:51,500
Yeah, yeah.
[pounds bed]
1109
00:40:51,500 --> 00:40:53,130
Yes, yeah, come here.
1110
00:40:53,133 --> 00:40:54,233
- Okay.
- Come back.
1111
00:40:54,233 --> 00:40:55,303
- Come back.
- Oh.
1112
00:40:55,300 --> 00:40:56,700
- Okay.
- Oh.
1113
00:40:56,700 --> 00:40:59,000
- Okay.
- Okay.
1114
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,500
Well...
1115
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,070
This is comfortable.
1116
00:41:04,833 --> 00:41:06,973
Hey, your timing
is perfect.
1117
00:41:06,967 --> 00:41:08,767
I just got him to sleep.
1118
00:41:08,767 --> 00:41:10,467
(Vanessa)
Oh, me too.
1119
00:41:10,467 --> 00:41:13,397
So here's the thing
about this particular orphan.
1120
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,630
He has abandonment issues,
which would be fine
1121
00:41:15,633 --> 00:41:17,703
if I didn't have
intimacy issues.
1122
00:41:17,700 --> 00:41:19,600
Define "abandonment issues."
1123
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:21,400
Um, he cried when I said
1124
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,230
I couldn't see him
tomorrow night.
1125
00:41:23,233 --> 00:41:25,203
Okay, yeah, bye-bye.
1126
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:28,270
Oh, so that selfie you sent
after your day of beauty
1127
00:41:28,267 --> 00:41:29,867
was insane.
1128
00:41:29,867 --> 00:41:32,027
Your skin looked so young.
1129
00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:33,603
I had to hate you
for a second.
1130
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:36,600
Thanks, honey,
but it's not happening again.
1131
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:38,130
My in-laws
might disown me
1132
00:41:38,133 --> 00:41:40,073
for rejecting
their stupid heritage.
1133
00:41:40,067 --> 00:41:41,127
[groans]
1134
00:41:41,133 --> 00:41:43,433
Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh.
1135
00:41:43,433 --> 00:41:46,173
Good night, Miles.
1136
00:41:46,167 --> 00:41:48,497
Good night,
stem-cell facials.
1137
00:41:48,500 --> 00:41:50,000
[laughs]
1138
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,530
Good night,
Candace thinking I'm a hoot.
1139
00:41:52,533 --> 00:41:55,003
Good night,
Spanish omelets.
1140
00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:57,770
Good night, best sex
I've had since Labor Day.
1141
00:41:57,767 --> 00:41:59,227
[groaning]
No.
1142
00:41:59,233 --> 00:42:01,233
Oh, God.
He's having a nightmare.
1143
00:42:01,233 --> 00:42:02,333
I got to go.
1144
00:42:02,333 --> 00:42:03,703
[Timothy muttering,
Vanessa shushing]
1145
00:42:03,700 --> 00:42:04,930
(Timothy)
I was at the store.
1146
00:42:04,933 --> 00:42:06,803
Good night, I love you.
1147
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:09,170
No...
1148
00:42:09,167 --> 00:42:10,397
I haven't seen him.
1149
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:11,600
Okay, he's gone.
1150
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:12,930
No...
1151
00:42:22,733 --> 00:42:25,173
[phone beeping]
1152
00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:27,267
Hello.
I'm wondering if, by chance,
1153
00:42:27,267 --> 00:42:30,427
you have a table
for two tonight at 8:00?
1154
00:42:30,433 --> 00:42:31,903
Yeah, I figured.
1155
00:42:31,900 --> 00:42:34,900
Thanks, anyway, and congrats
on the great review--
79248
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