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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,700 (male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:15,700 --> 00:00:17,000 And then my weekend nanny 3 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,000 had another death in the family--again. 4 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,800 Can you believe the luck I'm having? 5 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,370 (Brooke) Actually, it was the worst summer. 6 00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:24,367 We were flying back and forth 7 00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:25,797 from Capri to South Hampton. 8 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,200 I'm overseeing two renovations. 9 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:28,800 That's two sets of blueprints. 10 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,730 I need a vacation from my vacation. 11 00:00:31,733 --> 00:00:33,233 Where do you guys summer, again? 12 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:36,703 We summer on 61st Street between 2nd and 3rd. 13 00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,270 Mm. 14 00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:41,527 (Mrs. Hardwick) Welcome, everyone. 15 00:00:41,533 --> 00:00:45,773 We're delighted to have you here at our curriculum night. 16 00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:47,727 Curriculum night, please. 17 00:00:47,733 --> 00:00:49,333 They're in preschool. 18 00:00:49,333 --> 00:00:51,833 What's next, they're gonna major in finger-painting and sand? 19 00:00:51,833 --> 00:00:53,603 And while you've been busy 20 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:57,570 working on those kindergarten applications, 21 00:00:57,567 --> 00:00:58,797 we've been busy too, 22 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,900 learning a little bit about you. 23 00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:04,830 Rutherford says, 24 00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:07,333 "My mommy loves salad, 25 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:10,903 Pinot Grigio, and our helicopter." 26 00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:12,400 [laughter] 27 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:17,100 Piper says, "My daddy's a plastic surgeon. 28 00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:23,000 He loves his Maseratis and making people's faces not ugly." 29 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,070 [laughter] 30 00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:28,627 And this from Dottie-- 31 00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:31,773 "My mommy loves tattoos, 32 00:01:31,767 --> 00:01:34,797 "underwear dance parties, 33 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,030 and bad words." 34 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,430 Oh, [bleep]. 35 00:01:42,433 --> 00:01:44,573 [upbeat rock music] 36 00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:47,167 ♪ I guess you know ♪ 37 00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:50,297 ♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪ 38 00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:51,830 Mommy! 39 00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,130 Mommy, why is your butt so jiggly? 40 00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:02,333 Because I have three kids. 41 00:02:02,333 --> 00:02:03,633 Thanks, Miles. 42 00:02:03,633 --> 00:02:04,833 Guys, okay you have to get dressed. 43 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,233 We're gonna do the thing for Daddy, okay? 44 00:02:06,233 --> 00:02:07,433 Hurry, please. 45 00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:09,003 Hey, guys, come on, get dressed. 46 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,730 No, you're too early! 47 00:02:10,733 --> 00:02:12,973 I had a whole surprise for you. 48 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,267 For me? Oh, well... 49 00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:16,567 Congratulations on making partner. 50 00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:18,867 - We're so proud of you. - Thank you. 51 00:02:18,867 --> 00:02:20,197 It was gonna be a whole spread 52 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,700 with eggs and fruit and everything. 53 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,370 It was like a miracle. 54 00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:26,097 Did you hear Miles ridiculing my "thass"? 55 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,500 What's "thass?" 56 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:29,270 "Thigh" plus "ass" equals "thass." 57 00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:30,527 And after three kids, 58 00:02:30,533 --> 00:02:33,573 my vag is like the Holland Tunnel. 59 00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:35,467 Sometimes I walk around, and it sounds 60 00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:37,127 like somebody's stirring mac and cheese. 61 00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,533 Are we having mac and cheese tonight? 62 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:39,633 I said get dressed! 63 00:02:39,633 --> 00:02:42,233 (Andy) Get dressed please. 64 00:02:42,233 --> 00:02:43,403 I don't know. 65 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,300 I think everything's holding up great. 66 00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:46,330 In fact, I was thinking, 67 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,303 what if I went into work late today? 68 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,070 Honey, I know it's your special day, 69 00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:51,967 but there was just a study at Stanford University... 70 00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:53,327 (Miles) Mommy, can I crack an egg? 71 00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:54,673 That all these mothers have sensory overload-- 72 00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:55,967 [kids shouting] 73 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,727 'Cause the kids are, like, pawing them all day, 74 00:02:57,733 --> 00:02:59,333 and so we're, like, OD-ing on touch. 75 00:02:59,333 --> 00:03:00,803 - Right. - Okay? 76 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,000 And we have to pick the photos 77 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,430 for the kids' kindergarten applications. 78 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:04,603 - Yep. - We have to pick today. 79 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,630 Come here. 80 00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:06,633 (Miles) Can I have gum for breakfast? 81 00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:08,003 Nope, no gum. 82 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,100 Do you think Miles looks a little R-A-P-E-Y here? 83 00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:11,330 [phone ringing] 84 00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:13,803 Who calls anymore? 85 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,000 My mother. 86 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,400 Okay, guys, did you brush your teeth yet? 87 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,570 - Hello, Mother. - Isn't it wonderful news? 88 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,527 Uh, yeah, thanks, how'd you hear? 89 00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:24,933 The New York Times, CNN, Bloomberg News. 90 00:03:24,933 --> 00:03:27,403 It's on the front page of every business section. 91 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,670 Oh, I thought you were calling about my news. 92 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,297 I'm just catching up, one second. 93 00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:32,570 I'll save you the trouble. 94 00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,867 Hercules Partners, your baby brother's firm, 95 00:03:34,867 --> 00:03:37,327 sold that bagel company to the Chinese 96 00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:40,233 for $675 million. 97 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,400 What was your news? 98 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,770 Um... 99 00:03:47,567 --> 00:03:48,567 (man) Congratulations. 100 00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:49,597 Thank you. 101 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:50,900 - Congratulations - Thanks, guys. 102 00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:52,870 Whoo, Andy! 103 00:03:52,867 --> 00:03:55,597 Yes, dude, so give me the play-by-play. 104 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,870 Oh, but, like, make it like SportsCenter, though. 105 00:03:57,867 --> 00:03:59,397 I guess it's been in the works for a while. 106 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,870 - Congratulations. - Thank you. 107 00:04:00,867 --> 00:04:02,297 I was always on the partner track. 108 00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:03,970 No, no, no, dude, not that. 109 00:04:03,967 --> 00:04:05,967 No, your kid brother, Lex. 110 00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:09,027 Uh, ka-ching. 111 00:04:09,033 --> 00:04:10,403 Bagels. 112 00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:14,230 (Jill) I mean, they're my in-laws. 113 00:04:14,233 --> 00:04:15,673 I should be happy for them, 114 00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,467 but they're gonna be even more "insuffs" 115 00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:18,727 than they already are. 116 00:04:18,733 --> 00:04:20,173 It'll be wheels up to St. Barth's 117 00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:22,997 and wheels up to Aspen and breakfast at Wimbledon. 118 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,500 I'm a doctor. I save babies with my hands. 119 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,730 Even if I live to be "eleventy," 120 00:04:28,733 --> 00:04:30,873 I'd never see a tenth of that type of coin. 121 00:04:30,867 --> 00:04:32,497 Lex isn't even that smart. 122 00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:34,130 His equity firm just got lucky 123 00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:36,633 investing in the company that brought bagels to China. 124 00:04:36,633 --> 00:04:38,003 China, I know. 125 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,800 I mean, if it were North Korea, I'd be impressed. 126 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,330 He and Brooke are fetuses, 127 00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:44,873 and now they're as rich as Mark Zuckerberg's pinky. 128 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:49,567 Okay, you do realize you're rich too, right? 129 00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:51,097 Yeah, maybe in the normal universe, 130 00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:52,430 where normal people live. 131 00:04:52,433 --> 00:04:55,503 But between Lexington and 5th, I'm a charity case. 132 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:56,900 - Jill! - Seriously. 133 00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:58,570 People come to our walk-up for play dates, 134 00:04:58,567 --> 00:05:01,267 and they act like I live in a cardboard box. 135 00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:02,597 Oh... 136 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,600 sorry. 137 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,700 Oh, my God, it's her. 138 00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:07,470 [bombastic hip-hop] 139 00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:08,967 It's my sister-in-law. 140 00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:10,697 I swear, our kids are in the same class this year. 141 00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:12,170 I can't escape her. 142 00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:14,267 Wait, I thought she was pregnant with her fourth. 143 00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:15,497 Did she lose the baby? 144 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,400 No, she's seven months pregnant. 145 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,130 That baby is gonna be the size of a Diet Coke can. 146 00:05:20,133 --> 00:05:21,533 Hi, guys. 147 00:05:21,533 --> 00:05:24,073 Brooke, congrats on the sale. 148 00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:25,167 So exciting. 149 00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:26,667 We're quite pleased. 150 00:05:26,667 --> 00:05:29,027 We're quite pleased for you. 151 00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:31,833 (Danielle) Vanessa, I haven't seen you since we had a white president. 152 00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,603 - Oh. - Still living downtown? 153 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,730 Still toughing it out on the mean streets of SoHo. 154 00:05:35,733 --> 00:05:37,933 - Huh. - So baby number four. 155 00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:39,403 Good for you! 156 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,470 [scoffs] Thanks, I'm Shamu. 157 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:44,197 All righty, we're gonna go stuff our faces 158 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,470 at Midnight Express. 159 00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:46,597 (Stephanie) Oh, I heard they're closing. 160 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,630 You're kidding. 161 00:05:47,633 --> 00:05:48,903 Yeah, it's gonna be a Flush. 162 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,000 What's a Flush? 163 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,270 It's this California chainlet 164 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,897 that's part juice cleanse, part colonics. 165 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:54,170 It was in Vanity Fair. 166 00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,297 (Simone) It totally works. 167 00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:58,170 My sister had a toy soldier come out. 168 00:05:58,167 --> 00:05:59,567 (Brooke) So, Jill, I'm seeing you 169 00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:02,427 at my NACHO Kickoff Event this week, right? 170 00:06:02,433 --> 00:06:04,873 At Soul Wheelz? You have yet to RSVP. 171 00:06:04,867 --> 00:06:07,167 Oh, your spinning thing. I totally spaced. 172 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,397 I've been so swamped with kindergarten applications. 173 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,530 Wait, back up. 174 00:06:10,533 --> 00:06:11,773 Why are we talking about nachos? 175 00:06:11,767 --> 00:06:12,827 (Brooke) No, no, no. 176 00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:14,133 it's my charitable organization. 177 00:06:14,133 --> 00:06:15,973 New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity. 178 00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:17,827 You mean NYACHO? 179 00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:19,173 NACHO. 180 00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:20,827 New Yorkers... 181 00:06:20,833 --> 00:06:22,503 The Y is silent. 182 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:24,470 It's my charity. 183 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,067 Jill, Soul Wheelz? 184 00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:27,867 Believe me, you don't want me there. 185 00:06:27,867 --> 00:06:29,367 I will be dead on the floor. 186 00:06:29,367 --> 00:06:31,027 They'll need defibrillators. 187 00:06:31,033 --> 00:06:32,303 I'll be in a chalk outline. 188 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:33,470 You're my sister-in-law, 189 00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:35,667 and you never come to any of my events. 190 00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,527 Well, it's hard to line up a sitter. 191 00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,773 Oh, Jill, you really need to staff up. 192 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,427 Well, I'm not working right now, 193 00:06:41,433 --> 00:06:43,573 so I prefer to do it myself. 194 00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:45,567 Why don't you take Stephanie's Thai baby nurse? 195 00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,727 You're done with her, right? 196 00:06:46,733 --> 00:06:48,203 She's Tibetan. 197 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,700 Yeah, well, same noodle, different sauce. 198 00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,370 Let's go. Bye. 199 00:06:58,233 --> 00:07:00,273 [bell dings] 200 00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:01,927 I can't believe this place is closing. 201 00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:04,633 I've been coming here for 30 years. 202 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,433 This place is an institution. 203 00:07:06,433 --> 00:07:08,473 Look at--look at this glass bottle. 204 00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:11,127 You know, instead of that squeezy bull[bleep]. 205 00:07:11,133 --> 00:07:13,533 I mean, look at the people. 206 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:14,903 What is a Flush anyway? 207 00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:16,100 What do these people do? 208 00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:18,000 Put hoses in their ass and blow lunch? 209 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,830 Isn't that like anal bulimia? 210 00:07:19,833 --> 00:07:23,203 People love putting things in their ass[bleep]. 211 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,730 You should see what I see in the ER on the daily-- 212 00:07:25,733 --> 00:07:28,533 iPhone chargers, bottles of Purell, 213 00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:31,033 old Phantom ticket stubs, 214 00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:32,203 plastic Yodas, 215 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,930 Duane Reade receipts, pot. 216 00:07:33,933 --> 00:07:36,003 - I hate people. - I hate people too. 217 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,130 So "grodsky." 218 00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:38,203 A small piccolo. 219 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,270 You know, it's official. 220 00:07:39,267 --> 00:07:41,467 This place closing just marks the end 221 00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:43,997 of the real, old, gritty Upper East Side. 222 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,270 "Gritty"? When? 223 00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:46,967 Before they paved Park Avenue? 224 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,497 At least when I was growing up, 225 00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,530 there was some shame around being rich. 226 00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:53,503 I mean, I knew kids who were mortified to have a driver. 227 00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:54,670 Now at drop-off, 228 00:07:54,667 --> 00:07:56,827 they're pimpin' cocaine-white SUVs. 229 00:07:56,833 --> 00:07:58,673 And yet you continue to live here. 230 00:07:58,667 --> 00:07:59,967 I was here first. 231 00:07:59,967 --> 00:08:02,027 I love that you still eat doughnuts. 232 00:08:02,033 --> 00:08:03,073 Thank you. 233 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,767 A doughnut is just a gay bagel. 234 00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:07,427 So how are the kids? 235 00:08:07,433 --> 00:08:09,133 Fine, annoying. 236 00:08:09,133 --> 00:08:10,703 They'd be a lot cooler if they could fill out 237 00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,270 their own kindergarten applications. 238 00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:14,667 Just promise me you will not turn 239 00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:17,827 into one of those freaky mom-bots over this stuff. 240 00:08:17,833 --> 00:08:19,233 I would never. 241 00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:20,473 Why do you think I'm blowing off 242 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,767 Brooke's NACHO thing? 243 00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:22,997 'Cause you hate exercise? 244 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,800 No. 245 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:25,970 Okay, yes. 246 00:08:25,967 --> 00:08:27,797 But Soul Wheelz is, like, the first stop 247 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,330 on the mom-bot express. 248 00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:30,433 It's a cult. 249 00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:31,903 Plus, I'm not a joiner. 250 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:35,030 So don't join the kindergarten cult either. 251 00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:36,173 Your kids are great. 252 00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:38,367 They'll be fine, wherever they go. 253 00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:39,867 Oh, you're so naive. 254 00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,097 But I'll give you this. 255 00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:42,630 If I ever say that I'm going 256 00:08:42,633 --> 00:08:46,533 to a $3,000-a-plate hat luncheon with the ladies, 257 00:08:46,533 --> 00:08:49,173 you have my permission to kidnap me, 258 00:08:49,167 --> 00:08:50,367 drag me into the woods-- 259 00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:51,897 And shoot you? 260 00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:53,700 I was gonna say "deprogram me," 261 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,200 but use your judgment. 262 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,570 - Done. - Okay. 263 00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:07,930 [children chattering] 264 00:09:07,933 --> 00:09:08,973 It's Mrs. Hardwick. 265 00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:10,067 (woman) It's Mrs. Hardwick. 266 00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,067 Hello, Mrs. Hardwick. 267 00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,097 Hello, Mrs. Hardwick! 268 00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:13,900 (Mrs. Hardwick) Mrs. Weber. 269 00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:14,900 Me? 270 00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:18,400 May I see you in my office? 271 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:21,770 Of course, Mrs. Hardwick. 272 00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:23,027 (Mrs. Hardwick) Mrs. Weber, 273 00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:25,803 we've known your family for several years, 274 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,900 and while we've come to appreciate your, 275 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:32,030 shall we say, unorthodox approach to parenting, 276 00:09:32,033 --> 00:09:36,003 this admissions season is particularly cut-throat. 277 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,630 These schools are looking for leaders, 278 00:09:38,633 --> 00:09:40,233 students with vision. 279 00:09:40,233 --> 00:09:42,603 If we give them blocks, 280 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:46,930 will they make a pile or the Arc de Triomphe? 281 00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:49,703 Mine usually just lick the blocks. 282 00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,770 - I mean, they're 4. - Indeed. 283 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,467 And young 4s, 284 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:55,467 given their late-July birthdays. 285 00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:56,897 So unfortunate. 286 00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,930 They're competing against children 287 00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:00,933 who have been bred for success. 288 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:03,633 Legacy families, leaders of the community. 289 00:10:03,633 --> 00:10:07,203 And, unfortunately, while you are different, 290 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,770 you don't technically qualify as diversity. 291 00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:13,927 Sometimes Miles looks half Cherokee. 292 00:10:13,933 --> 00:10:17,233 How. [laughs] 293 00:10:17,233 --> 00:10:19,703 I'm going to recommend 294 00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,070 that you cast a wide net. 295 00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:24,697 Yes, we have Miles applying to five schools, 296 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,030 Dottie to four. 297 00:10:26,033 --> 00:10:28,103 We have our zoned local public school, 298 00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,300 a charter school, and Hunter. 299 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:34,030 I'm going to recommend an even wider net. 300 00:10:43,133 --> 00:10:45,573 And Andy was up against, like, three other lawyers 301 00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:47,167 for this position, right? 302 00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,567 It's one of the hardest firms to move up in. 303 00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:51,667 There they are. 304 00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:53,927 Hi. Mazel Tov, guys! 305 00:10:53,933 --> 00:10:55,333 Oh, come on, now. 306 00:10:55,333 --> 00:10:56,673 Tonight is Andy's night. 307 00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:57,967 - Oh, are you kidding? - My big bro! 308 00:10:57,967 --> 00:11:00,297 - Thanks, and congratulations. - Thank you. 309 00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:02,930 Oh, I can't wait to see your new letterhead. 310 00:11:02,933 --> 00:11:05,773 Eldridge, Pinkney, Whitehead & Weber? 311 00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:08,627 Oh, no, they don't change the name of the firm. 312 00:11:08,633 --> 00:11:09,873 It doesn't work like that. 313 00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:10,827 Oh. 314 00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:12,733 Well, good for you, anyway. 315 00:11:12,733 --> 00:11:13,703 (man) Ladies. 316 00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:14,730 Oh, yay, bread. 317 00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:15,873 - No! - No bread! 318 00:11:15,867 --> 00:11:18,127 No bread! 319 00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:21,303 Oh, I have the proofs from Rutherford's 320 00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:24,230 kindergarten application photo shoot. 321 00:11:24,233 --> 00:11:25,403 (Candace) Oh! 322 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,570 Mario Testino. 323 00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:27,997 (Candace) Oh, of course, of course. 324 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,400 - Oh, precious. - Yeah. 325 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,630 Jill, who did you hire 326 00:11:31,633 --> 00:11:33,273 to shoot your children's photographs? 327 00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:34,427 Uh, me. 328 00:11:34,433 --> 00:11:37,103 My rates are great, and I'm easy to work with. 329 00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:39,330 Oh, right, you and your little photography hobby. 330 00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:41,703 Mother, it's not a hobby. 331 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,170 Jill shot for tons of magazines before we had kids. 332 00:11:44,167 --> 00:11:45,697 Yeah, it's like that time you let me 333 00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:49,200 "drop off a package" at that Victoria's Secret shoot. 334 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,200 That was awesome. 335 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,570 It was before I met you, babe. 336 00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:59,167 Anyway, to Lex and Brooke 337 00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:01,227 and bagels in China. 338 00:12:01,233 --> 00:12:03,603 May they never hear of Dr. Atkins. 339 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,670 [laughter] 340 00:12:06,667 --> 00:12:08,897 (woman) So how do you like working on the Upper East Side? 341 00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,030 (Vanessa) Love it. 342 00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:11,403 This is just such a nice change of pace 343 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,400 from Bronx Central. 344 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,970 It's so clean here. 345 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,397 And you have toilet paper in, like, every bathroom stall. 346 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:20,030 Yeah, it's a great hospital, even if it has its quirks. 347 00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,273 - Heads up. - Coming through. 348 00:12:21,267 --> 00:12:23,267 Is that a sex machine? Cool. 349 00:12:23,267 --> 00:12:24,497 Pilates Reformer. 350 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:27,000 We get eight to ten workout-related injuries a week. 351 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,230 Jerry, I'm gonna need the electrical saw and the drill. 352 00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:32,673 Or we could just cut off her ponytail. 353 00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:34,727 No, not my extensions. 354 00:12:34,733 --> 00:12:37,073 It's Indian hair. 355 00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,197 - Like I said, yeah. - Yeah. 356 00:12:40,467 --> 00:12:41,697 Oh, Jill, 357 00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:43,430 Mrs. Hardwick is coming to NACHO. 358 00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:44,603 I'm sponsoring her bike. 359 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:45,830 Hardwick, seriously? 360 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,033 Why? 361 00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,203 Because that woman has the ear 362 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,270 of every school we're applying to. 363 00:12:51,267 --> 00:12:53,167 And if you come, it'll remind her 364 00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:56,427 that you're technically part of our family. 365 00:12:56,433 --> 00:12:58,173 (Candace) Brooke, darling, stop pushing. 366 00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:00,667 You're an Olympic skier. [chuckles] 367 00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:02,227 Jill's people aren't exactly known 368 00:13:02,233 --> 00:13:03,773 for their athletic prowess. 369 00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:04,827 Mother. 370 00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:06,473 Well, she can't just decide 371 00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,397 to start moving her body one day. 372 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:12,370 [laughing] That would be like a panda deciding to speed-skate. 373 00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:14,267 That would be adorable! 374 00:13:14,267 --> 00:13:16,297 I can move my body. 375 00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:17,730 I'm not a panda. 376 00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:19,033 Of course. 377 00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:21,873 I just don't want anything to go badly. 378 00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:24,597 I appreciate your concern, Candace, 379 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,100 but my "thass" and I will be there. 380 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,027 Quick medical question. 381 00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:32,003 Am I at risk for cardiac arrest 382 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,400 if I do Soul Wheelz 383 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,900 in my current state of non-fitness? 384 00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:38,900 Wait. Are you actually doing that stupid NYACHO thing? 385 00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,800 Yes, those blonde bitches think I'm gonna break my ass. 386 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,500 What choice do I have? 387 00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:46,530 Okay, I feel it's my responsibility to remind you 388 00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:49,803 of your step-aerobics moment, junior year. 389 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,500 It was a mild sprain, 390 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:53,700 and that teacher wasn't even certified. 391 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:54,930 Fine, go. 392 00:13:54,933 --> 00:13:57,773 But you have to send me pictures of you in spandex. 393 00:13:57,767 --> 00:13:59,497 It can be my early birthday present. 394 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:00,570 Done. 395 00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,167 Okay got to run. I'm carbo-loading. 396 00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:03,467 Honey, it's not a marathon. 397 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,127 It's 40 minutes on a hamster wheel. 398 00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:06,903 You're right. How hard could it be? 399 00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:08,470 Plus, it's for a bad cause. 400 00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:09,727 [laughs] 401 00:14:09,733 --> 00:14:11,303 [phone ringing] 402 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,430 (Paul) Hey! 403 00:14:12,433 --> 00:14:14,873 I understand congratulations are in order. 404 00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:16,297 Thanks, Paul. 405 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,700 We are all very happy for my brother's bank account. 406 00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,030 No, I meant you. 407 00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,433 You're a partner now. 408 00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:22,703 Come on, top of the heap. 409 00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:23,830 Living large. 410 00:14:23,833 --> 00:14:24,833 What, did you forget? 411 00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:26,933 Almost, actually. Thanks. 412 00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:28,173 It's quite the club we're in. 413 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,497 115 of us partners 414 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,300 get to work ten times as hard 415 00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:34,570 just so the firm keeps most of our salary. 416 00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:35,927 You mean the buy-in. 417 00:14:35,933 --> 00:14:37,373 It's that bad? 418 00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:40,367 Oh, they didn't tell you about that yet. 419 00:14:40,367 --> 00:14:42,767 It's $750K for overhead, 420 00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:45,067 plus another 50 grand every year 421 00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:46,497 towards the employee health fund. 422 00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:48,870 - What? - Yeah, I know. 423 00:14:48,867 --> 00:14:50,867 You can either pay it up front--ha ha-- 424 00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:53,097 Or divvy it up over a few years. 425 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,500 I've been a partner ten years now. 426 00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:58,200 So I only got another, what, 16 years 427 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,400 before I'm out of the hole. 428 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,330 Yeah, it's totally worth it. 429 00:15:26,033 --> 00:15:27,373 Hi. 430 00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:29,997 Jill, you made it. 431 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,670 What is this, a unicorn? 432 00:15:31,667 --> 00:15:33,867 Is that--is that a child's shirt? 433 00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,267 No, it's mine. 434 00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:38,197 I don't have all the, like, gear stuff, so... 435 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,200 Jill! 436 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,300 Welcome. 437 00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:41,830 I moved mountains to be here. 438 00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:43,303 I have you at bike four. 439 00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:47,570 Actually, 44, in the back, very back row. 440 00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:48,967 Mrs. Hardwick, hi. 441 00:15:48,967 --> 00:15:51,567 Jill Weber, Dottie and Miles' mom. 442 00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:52,827 I just want to tell you, 443 00:15:52,833 --> 00:15:55,003 we are on the wait list for Suzuki violin. 444 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,970 - Martha. - Ashley, hi! 445 00:15:56,967 --> 00:15:58,297 - What happened? - I know, I know. 446 00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:00,500 That's why I sent you that message. 447 00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:03,370 Okay. 448 00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:04,827 - Hey, sweetheart. - Hey. 449 00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:06,173 Wow. Look at this turnout, huh? 450 00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:07,327 I'm so proud of you. 451 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:08,433 Where's your spin outfit? 452 00:16:08,433 --> 00:16:09,633 I laid it out on the bed for you. 453 00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:10,773 Oh, no, I couldn't. 454 00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:12,927 I just came for the photo-op, right? 455 00:16:12,933 --> 00:16:14,503 I have to be at the club in half an hour. 456 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:16,070 Actually, in 23 minutes. 457 00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,027 Sorry to butt in. 458 00:16:17,033 --> 00:16:18,673 One thing that I asked of you. 459 00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,767 Hey, do you want Ella to stay and bike? 460 00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,627 I don't need her after this, huh? 461 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:24,233 Why would I want your assistant here? 462 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,273 You can't just throw her at every problem. 463 00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:29,097 Hey, everybody, let's give a round of applause 464 00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,100 for my beautiful wife, Brooke, huh? 465 00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:32,870 Who made all this happen. 466 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:34,397 [applause] 467 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,130 All right! 468 00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:38,203 [applause continues] 469 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,500 Hey, sweetheart, how you doing, Jill? 470 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,900 Yeah, you guys have fun, and NACHO, huh? 471 00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:44,100 [applause] 472 00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:45,970 [clears throat] 473 00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:49,467 There is a plague upon us. 474 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:52,897 Childhood obesity is a scourge 475 00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:55,070 affecting millions of children 476 00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:56,567 in this country, 477 00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,327 like little Augustus here. 478 00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:02,733 Augustus, come on up here. 479 00:17:02,733 --> 00:17:05,973 Your financial support will help children 480 00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:10,267 by introducing prophylactic gastric bypasses 481 00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:15,467 for at-risk kids with morbidly obese parents. 482 00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:16,727 Thank you, Augustus, 483 00:17:16,733 --> 00:17:22,073 for being the brave face of this hideous disease. 484 00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:25,627 [applause] 485 00:17:25,633 --> 00:17:26,833 Hey, are you okay? 486 00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:28,133 That was kind of harsh. 487 00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:29,333 I don't give a [bleep]. 488 00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:32,133 I get 500 bucks for these dog-and-pony shows. 489 00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:33,473 Not bad. 490 00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:37,327 Now, let's give it up for the soul of Soul Wheelz, 491 00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,203 the one and only Nikki B! 492 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,200 [cheers and applause] 493 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,230 [upbeat music] 494 00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:45,273 ♪ ♪ 495 00:17:45,267 --> 00:17:47,427 Ah! 496 00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:49,633 Are you bitches ready to sweat? 497 00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,833 [cheers and applause] 498 00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:57,667 Jack up that resistance. 499 00:17:57,667 --> 00:17:58,767 Come on. 500 00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:00,997 Only one of you can be the leader 501 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,470 up on that board today. 502 00:18:03,467 --> 00:18:05,567 Who's it gonna be? 503 00:18:05,567 --> 00:18:06,927 And here we go. 504 00:18:06,933 --> 00:18:10,933 Right, left, right, left. 505 00:18:10,933 --> 00:18:12,473 Bike 44, 506 00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:15,167 what's happening over there, unicorn? 507 00:18:15,167 --> 00:18:17,467 Are you with us? 508 00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:18,867 Turn your resistance down 509 00:18:18,867 --> 00:18:22,227 in three, two, one. 510 00:18:22,233 --> 00:18:23,503 Whoa! 511 00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,070 Hey, yeah! 512 00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:28,327 You got to move out of your comfort zone, people. 513 00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:30,933 Right, left, left, right, left, right, left-- 514 00:18:30,933 --> 00:18:32,773 Keep up, unicorn! 515 00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:34,627 (all) What's down there? What's up there? 516 00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:36,803 What's down there? What's up there? 517 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,830 (Nikki B) I see who my leaders are. 518 00:18:39,833 --> 00:18:41,833 Unicorn, pick the pace up. 519 00:18:41,833 --> 00:18:43,973 Are you bitches gonna sit back 520 00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:47,127 and let the pregnant lady on bike 13 steal the title? 521 00:18:47,133 --> 00:18:49,503 Come on! 522 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,070 Unicorn, do you want to be the leader, 523 00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:54,067 or do you want to be one of the pack? 524 00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:02,170 There you go, better. 525 00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:03,667 That's it. 526 00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,697 - Clap-clap, clap-clap. [rhythmic clapping] 527 00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:08,500 (Nikki B) Nice. 528 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,000 Stay with it, unicorn! 529 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,330 Stay with it! 530 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,833 Come on! 531 00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:15,473 Am I seeing right? 532 00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:18,067 The unicorn has taken the lead! 533 00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:20,227 Let's here it for unicorn! 534 00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:21,773 Un-i-corn! 535 00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:24,667 [all chanting, "Unicorn!"] 536 00:19:24,667 --> 00:19:27,797 (Nikki B) Unicorn is our leader! 537 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,370 Left, right, left, right, left, right, 538 00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:31,827 left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right! 539 00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:33,903 You got to move through your comfort zone! 540 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,430 You're gonna be dead in 90 years! 541 00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:37,533 [door opens] 542 00:19:37,533 --> 00:19:39,373 Ooh, Daddy's home! 543 00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:42,067 Daddy's home! Daddy's home! 544 00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:43,627 Hey, guys, hey. 545 00:19:43,633 --> 00:19:44,733 - Daddy! - Daddy! 546 00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:46,403 Hi. What's wrong? 547 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,770 You didn't make $675 million today? 548 00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:50,067 No, I did not, 549 00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,567 but I did bring home tacos. 550 00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:53,867 Even better! 551 00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:55,027 Whoo! 552 00:19:55,033 --> 00:19:56,773 I have an announcement to make. 553 00:19:56,767 --> 00:19:57,767 Yeah? 554 00:19:57,767 --> 00:19:59,697 I love exercise now! 555 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,100 I was hyperventilating. 556 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,330 I thought I was gonna die. 557 00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:04,473 And then I staggered home, and I took a shower, 558 00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:06,297 and it was like the clouds parted 559 00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:07,900 and the angels sang. 560 00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,470 ♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪ 561 00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:13,597 ♪ Amen ♪ 562 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,000 And I not only survived, 563 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,330 I was the leader... 564 00:20:16,333 --> 00:20:19,433 for 7 seconds, but still. 565 00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:21,303 What's wrong? 566 00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:25,100 We have to come up with about a million bucks for the firm. 567 00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:26,330 It's called a buy-in. 568 00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,073 So you got a million bucks sitting around? 569 00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:29,897 'Cause I don't. 570 00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,730 Okay, that is sucky enough to kill my buzz. 571 00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:35,733 But I say let's freak out about it tomorrow. 572 00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:37,933 And I want to show you the photos I took 573 00:20:37,933 --> 00:20:39,833 for the kindergarten applications. 574 00:20:39,833 --> 00:20:41,033 Okay, what do you think? 575 00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:43,403 Do these look like the future leaders of tomorrow? 576 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,030 Supreme Court justices? 577 00:20:45,033 --> 00:20:46,203 Pop stars? 578 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,670 People who blog about pop stars? 579 00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:49,967 (Andy) Dentists, maybe. 580 00:20:49,967 --> 00:20:51,367 I have an idea. 581 00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:53,497 Underwear dance par-tay! 582 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,500 [joyous music] 583 00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:57,800 ♪ ♪ 584 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,970 Come on, Miles, get down! 585 00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:06,427 ♪ ♪ 586 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:07,933 Holy Toledo. 587 00:21:09,633 --> 00:21:11,833 (Jill) Ow, ow, agony. 588 00:21:11,833 --> 00:21:12,933 Ow! Oh, my God! 589 00:21:12,933 --> 00:21:15,373 Ow, ow! [grunts] 590 00:21:15,367 --> 00:21:18,327 [cell phone ringing] 591 00:21:20,433 --> 00:21:21,403 Hey, Jill. 592 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:22,730 I'm stuck on the [bleep]. 593 00:21:22,733 --> 00:21:24,773 [laughing] 594 00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:25,867 Oh, babe. 595 00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:26,997 I can't get up. 596 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,870 Why did you let me do that? 597 00:21:28,867 --> 00:21:30,567 I tried to warn you. 598 00:21:30,567 --> 00:21:31,597 Ow! 599 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,600 The second day is worse. 600 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:39,770 I hate exercise! 601 00:21:39,767 --> 00:21:43,667 (Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, it couldn't wait one night? 602 00:21:43,667 --> 00:21:45,497 I mean, that's weird, even for your family. 603 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:46,870 God only knows. 604 00:21:46,867 --> 00:21:49,127 Something about their trip to Austria. 605 00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:51,333 Well, getting a sitter on two hours' notice 606 00:21:51,333 --> 00:21:54,103 is like the triple Salchow of parenting. 607 00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:55,930 It can't be done. 608 00:21:55,933 --> 00:21:57,103 But I did it. 609 00:21:57,100 --> 00:21:58,400 I made it happen. 610 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,100 [doorbell buzzes] - Ooh. 611 00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:01,400 Hi, come on up. 612 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,070 So who'd we get, Katie or Jenny? 613 00:22:03,067 --> 00:22:04,567 Katie or Jenny? 614 00:22:04,567 --> 00:22:05,927 Hon, are you high? 615 00:22:05,933 --> 00:22:08,403 We're not in a position to get a babysitter we know. 616 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,770 We're desperados. 617 00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:12,197 So who the hell's looking after our kids tonight? 618 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,600 Someone that the Goulds' downstairs neighbor's 619 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,530 sitter's friend met in improv class. 620 00:22:16,533 --> 00:22:19,333 [doorbell rings] 621 00:22:19,333 --> 00:22:20,833 Hi! 622 00:22:20,833 --> 00:22:22,273 Where are the kiddos? 623 00:22:22,267 --> 00:22:24,697 I brought toys. 624 00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:26,770 I bet you did. 625 00:22:26,767 --> 00:22:29,167 Welcome. 626 00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:30,727 Kids, the booby-sitter-- 627 00:22:30,733 --> 00:22:32,403 the babysitter's here. 628 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,270 Um, Can you pick your tongue off the floor? 629 00:22:34,267 --> 00:22:35,227 We've got to go. 630 00:22:35,233 --> 00:22:36,273 We have a reservation. 631 00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:38,467 ♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪ 632 00:22:38,467 --> 00:22:41,727 ♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪ 633 00:22:44,867 --> 00:22:48,127 Okay, we scrounged up a sitter at the last minute. 634 00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:50,973 Pretty sure she's a porn star, but she was available. 635 00:22:50,967 --> 00:22:54,067 What is this urgent, thrilling news? 636 00:22:54,067 --> 00:22:56,227 It's official. 637 00:22:56,233 --> 00:22:59,873 We're not regular people. 638 00:22:59,867 --> 00:23:01,727 We're Vons. 639 00:23:01,733 --> 00:23:03,573 And so are you. 640 00:23:05,067 --> 00:23:06,427 - What? - What does that mean? 641 00:23:06,433 --> 00:23:07,903 (Candace) As you know, one of the reasons 642 00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:09,430 why we flew to Vienna for the weekend 643 00:23:09,433 --> 00:23:11,873 was to explore our family history. 644 00:23:11,867 --> 00:23:15,397 And we discovered that we are direct descendants 645 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:18,170 of a 16-century Prussian duke, 646 00:23:18,167 --> 00:23:20,327 Ludwig Von Weber, 647 00:23:20,333 --> 00:23:24,973 which means we are actually Austrian aristocracy. 648 00:23:24,967 --> 00:23:25,967 Rad. 649 00:23:25,967 --> 00:23:26,967 Oh, yay, bre-- 650 00:23:26,967 --> 00:23:29,827 - No bread! - No bread! 651 00:23:29,833 --> 00:23:31,533 Anyway, I was telling Dottie 652 00:23:31,533 --> 00:23:33,133 the other day for the thousandth time 653 00:23:33,133 --> 00:23:34,633 that she can't pee standing up. 654 00:23:34,633 --> 00:23:37,073 Jillybean, you're not hearing the best part. 655 00:23:37,067 --> 00:23:41,327 We're all changing our name to Von Weber. 656 00:23:41,333 --> 00:23:43,503 Ha, right! 657 00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:45,370 Oh, my God, you're serious? 658 00:23:45,367 --> 00:23:47,227 Well, we're not actually changing. 659 00:23:47,233 --> 00:23:48,903 We're restoring. 660 00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:50,930 Now, if a Cezanne were chipped, 661 00:23:50,933 --> 00:23:52,703 it would be restored, yes? 662 00:23:52,700 --> 00:23:55,300 You see, this is just genealogical art history. 663 00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:57,230 (Andy) Okay, I mean, it's very exciting. 664 00:23:57,233 --> 00:23:58,603 But, I mean, don't you find it 665 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,600 just ever so slightly pretentious? 666 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,770 Is it pretentious to call Judi Dench 667 00:24:03,767 --> 00:24:06,227 Dame Judi Dench? 668 00:24:06,233 --> 00:24:07,673 No. 669 00:24:07,667 --> 00:24:10,197 I redid all of Rutherford's kindergarten applications, 670 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:14,370 and let me just say... it's good. 671 00:24:14,367 --> 00:24:17,027 Adding the Von could really give the twins a leg up, 672 00:24:17,033 --> 00:24:20,673 which, if you think about it... 673 00:24:20,667 --> 00:24:22,267 Just think about it. 674 00:24:22,267 --> 00:24:25,197 So I'm curious, during your research, 675 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,870 did you happen to stumble upon 676 00:24:26,867 --> 00:24:31,797 where this Von Weber clan was during the 1930s and '40s? 677 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,670 You know, the tree gets a little fuzzy in that time period. 678 00:24:34,667 --> 00:24:38,027 But a branch of the family did resurface in Argentina 679 00:24:38,033 --> 00:24:41,133 in the '60s, which is cool. 680 00:24:41,133 --> 00:24:42,473 (Jill) They're Nazis. 681 00:24:42,467 --> 00:24:43,897 It explains everything. 682 00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:45,400 They're not Nazis. 683 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,170 Look at the antlers on your family crest. 684 00:24:48,167 --> 00:24:51,367 And did you see how they signaled for no bread? 685 00:24:51,367 --> 00:24:52,997 We are not changing our name. 686 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,970 No, never, nyet. 687 00:24:54,967 --> 00:24:56,627 Nyet is Russian. 688 00:24:56,633 --> 00:24:57,903 I think you mean nein. 689 00:24:57,900 --> 00:25:00,230 And, honey, just playing devil's advocate. 690 00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:02,073 What about the kindergarten applications thing? 691 00:25:02,067 --> 00:25:05,697 These schools do pop a boner over fancy lineage. 692 00:25:05,700 --> 00:25:08,800 Oh, I still have a tsunami of applications to finish. 693 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,800 I know it's weird and unnecessary, 694 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,130 but they're my family. 695 00:25:12,133 --> 00:25:13,433 We have to pick our battles. 696 00:25:13,433 --> 00:25:15,203 And at the end of the day, sweetie, 697 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,800 it's three letters, right? 698 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,800 So could you just pretend to think about it? 699 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,070 Sure. 700 00:25:22,067 --> 00:25:23,927 (Miles) Mommy, I'm scared! 701 00:25:23,933 --> 00:25:25,503 Oh. That's the fourth night in a row. 702 00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:26,470 What the hell? 703 00:25:26,467 --> 00:25:28,167 Mommy! 704 00:25:28,167 --> 00:25:29,597 Do you want me to go deal with it? 705 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,600 Nein, I'll go. 706 00:25:37,767 --> 00:25:39,797 Everything has to be re-monogrammed. 707 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,270 The linens, all three china patterns, 708 00:25:42,267 --> 00:25:44,227 The silver set, the flatware. 709 00:25:44,233 --> 00:25:46,903 Oh, did you find any needy W families 710 00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:48,300 who would appreciate that stuff? 711 00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:49,700 I'd hate to just throw it all out. 712 00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:52,600 Not yet, but I am still looking. 713 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:55,000 It's every bit as exciting as you said, Brookey! 714 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,070 I know! 715 00:25:56,067 --> 00:25:58,127 Confession-- I always thought Weber 716 00:25:58,133 --> 00:26:00,003 was a little ho-hum, kitchen sink. 717 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,870 That's because it was Americanized. 718 00:26:02,867 --> 00:26:04,197 Oh, just think. 719 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,270 This baby will never have to live a day 720 00:26:06,267 --> 00:26:07,697 as a non-Von. 721 00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:08,700 Gay-men. 722 00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:10,070 [doorbell rings] 723 00:26:10,067 --> 00:26:12,397 Nicole, can you get that? 724 00:26:14,533 --> 00:26:15,833 The kids are doing great. 725 00:26:15,833 --> 00:26:18,633 Thank you for asking. 726 00:26:18,633 --> 00:26:20,233 Dude, you want Nicole 727 00:26:20,233 --> 00:26:22,273 to make you an espresso or a smoothie? 728 00:26:22,267 --> 00:26:24,297 No, no, I'm good. Thanks. 729 00:26:24,300 --> 00:26:26,700 It's not even 8:00. It's like Grand Central here. 730 00:26:26,700 --> 00:26:28,900 I don't even notice anymore. 731 00:26:28,900 --> 00:26:30,130 What's going on? 732 00:26:30,133 --> 00:26:32,033 You need money? 733 00:26:32,033 --> 00:26:33,233 Jesus. 734 00:26:33,233 --> 00:26:37,073 Could you please not get all dick-swingy on me? 735 00:26:37,067 --> 00:26:39,727 Even if I did need money, I wouldn't ask you. 736 00:26:39,733 --> 00:26:40,773 Why not? 737 00:26:40,767 --> 00:26:42,097 I'd do anything for you. 738 00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,330 You know how much money you've loaned me over the years? 739 00:26:44,333 --> 00:26:48,873 $6,300 for your dorm-brewed beer business at Dartmouth, 740 00:26:48,867 --> 00:26:50,467 not to mention all the pro-bono legal help 741 00:26:50,467 --> 00:26:52,697 I gave you when that kid nearly died drinking it. 742 00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:54,070 He was such a faker. 743 00:26:54,067 --> 00:26:55,727 He was on life support, Lex. 744 00:26:55,733 --> 00:26:57,533 For, like, a day. 745 00:26:57,533 --> 00:26:58,733 The rock. 746 00:26:58,733 --> 00:27:00,033 Let's see what you got. 747 00:27:00,033 --> 00:27:01,673 Splash. 748 00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:02,927 Nice shot. 749 00:27:02,933 --> 00:27:05,203 So are you guys actually gonna do this Von thing? 750 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:06,570 What's your problem with it? 751 00:27:06,567 --> 00:27:08,397 Splash. 752 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,930 It just seems kind of douchey, don't you think? 753 00:27:10,933 --> 00:27:13,103 It's our heritage. 754 00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:14,430 Look alive. 755 00:27:14,433 --> 00:27:15,703 Okay. 756 00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:16,700 Here we go. 757 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,170 All right, well, I've been working a lot lately. 758 00:27:21,167 --> 00:27:23,067 Just because some lackey at Ellis Island 759 00:27:23,067 --> 00:27:25,297 was too lazy to put the letters V-O-N 760 00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:26,700 on our ancestors' papers, 761 00:27:26,700 --> 00:27:29,070 why should our children and our grandchildren 762 00:27:29,067 --> 00:27:31,767 be deprived of their cultural identity? 763 00:27:31,767 --> 00:27:34,397 Plus, it sounds badass. 764 00:27:38,767 --> 00:27:41,967 (woman) There is a fast-spreading wave of overconsumption 765 00:27:41,967 --> 00:27:44,197 ignited by the nouveau riche 766 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,530 and colored by our children with a gilded confusion 767 00:27:47,533 --> 00:27:49,873 between mass and class. 768 00:27:49,867 --> 00:27:51,427 Let me get this straight. 769 00:27:51,433 --> 00:27:55,233 This is like a club for descendants of Euro nobility? 770 00:27:55,233 --> 00:27:57,103 No portfolio can buy heritage. 771 00:27:57,100 --> 00:27:58,400 Brooke and Candace jumped 772 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,200 at the chance to join, of course. 773 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,800 Now they want me to experience it 774 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,330 while we're considering Von-ification. 775 00:28:04,333 --> 00:28:05,603 Thank you for coming. 776 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,100 Sometimes I just need a witness. 777 00:28:07,100 --> 00:28:09,400 Please, you had me at "free food and open bar." 778 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:14,470 And one can't buy a transfusion of blue blood. 779 00:28:14,467 --> 00:28:16,067 I'd rather eat my spleen. 780 00:28:16,067 --> 00:28:17,797 Let's go. 781 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,170 [Jill crunching] 782 00:28:19,167 --> 00:28:21,727 Try the shrimp. It's amazing. 783 00:28:21,733 --> 00:28:23,473 Okay, I'm dying to hear about the new guy. 784 00:28:23,467 --> 00:28:24,627 What's his name, again? 785 00:28:24,633 --> 00:28:26,533 Timothy. We had drinks at The Standard. 786 00:28:26,533 --> 00:28:28,373 - Love. - He's into bird watching. 787 00:28:28,367 --> 00:28:29,367 Weird. 788 00:28:29,367 --> 00:28:31,727 He's also a big baseball fanatic. 789 00:28:31,733 --> 00:28:33,203 - Snooze-a-roonie. - Oh, and this is sad. 790 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,130 His parents died in a plane crash when he was 12. 791 00:28:35,133 --> 00:28:37,273 He's an orphan? 792 00:28:37,267 --> 00:28:38,827 Wait. That's fantastic! 793 00:28:38,833 --> 00:28:42,003 A guy without parents is a deal-maker. 794 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:42,970 Marry that guy. 795 00:28:42,967 --> 00:28:44,267 Crack out the ketubah. 796 00:28:44,267 --> 00:28:45,927 I'm not getting married again. 797 00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:47,333 I might not even sleep with him. 798 00:28:47,333 --> 00:28:49,373 Maybe just dinner and a little hand stuff. 799 00:28:49,367 --> 00:28:50,967 Okay, yum. 800 00:28:50,967 --> 00:28:53,827 I'm totally reconsidering this whole Von thing. 801 00:28:53,833 --> 00:28:55,203 You should do it. 802 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:56,400 Candace, Brooke, and Lex 803 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,670 would have a simultaneous orgasm if we agreed. 804 00:28:58,667 --> 00:28:59,627 Hi, guys. 805 00:28:59,633 --> 00:29:00,673 Hi! 806 00:29:00,667 --> 00:29:02,397 Ugh, I have to pee again. 807 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,500 God, I hate being pregnant. I'm Chris Christie. 808 00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:08,100 [sighs] How exciting is this, huh? 809 00:29:08,100 --> 00:29:12,270 Gianni del Bianco is the most exclusive spa in Europe. 810 00:29:12,267 --> 00:29:14,067 Even I couldn't get an appointment 811 00:29:14,067 --> 00:29:15,727 in one of my last trips to Rome. 812 00:29:15,733 --> 00:29:17,303 (Vanessa) That's an outrage. 813 00:29:17,300 --> 00:29:20,230 I hope you told the Pope. 814 00:29:20,233 --> 00:29:22,603 They're offering us-- sorry, Vanessa-- 815 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:27,270 a day of beauty at their first location in the States. 816 00:29:27,267 --> 00:29:29,197 Candace and I are booked for next Monday, 817 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,400 and you are coming with. 818 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,630 Oh, that's so nice. 819 00:29:32,633 --> 00:29:35,073 But I can't even think about next Monday or anything 820 00:29:35,067 --> 00:29:37,567 until I get the twins' school applications in the mail. 821 00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:39,697 Jill, you're not seriously putting 822 00:29:39,700 --> 00:29:41,400 your children's futures in the hands 823 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,570 of the U.S. Postal Service, are you? 824 00:29:43,567 --> 00:29:46,827 Nicole is hand-delivering all of Rutherford's applications, 825 00:29:46,833 --> 00:29:49,103 and I'd be happy to have her do that for you. 826 00:29:49,100 --> 00:29:52,370 That's so sweet, but it's okay. 827 00:29:52,367 --> 00:29:54,267 I say this with love. 828 00:29:54,267 --> 00:29:55,867 But, um... 829 00:29:55,867 --> 00:29:59,667 you're starting to look a bit late-30s. 830 00:29:59,667 --> 00:30:00,897 Just from above the neck. 831 00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:02,500 Well, I'm 39. 832 00:30:02,500 --> 00:30:04,100 The neck too. 833 00:30:04,100 --> 00:30:06,070 You deserve some pampering. 834 00:30:06,067 --> 00:30:08,727 I'm gonna have Nicole call you, okay? 835 00:30:08,733 --> 00:30:10,733 (Brooke) Tootles. 836 00:30:10,733 --> 00:30:13,533 For Brooke, that was really nice. 837 00:30:13,533 --> 00:30:14,833 A little too nice. 838 00:30:14,833 --> 00:30:17,033 Why do I feel like Adrianna from The Sopranos 839 00:30:17,033 --> 00:30:18,433 right before she got whacked? 840 00:30:18,433 --> 00:30:20,203 Well, if you don't go, I will. 841 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,800 I've read about that stem-cell facial 842 00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:23,030 in the New York Times, 843 00:30:23,033 --> 00:30:24,233 and it sounds "ridic." 844 00:30:24,233 --> 00:30:27,673 [cell phone chimes] - Ooh, it's Timothy. 845 00:30:27,667 --> 00:30:29,097 - Do you mind? - Not at all. 846 00:30:29,100 --> 00:30:30,230 Lock that orphan down. 847 00:30:30,233 --> 00:30:32,033 You wouldn't have in-laws. 848 00:30:32,033 --> 00:30:33,533 Lock that Von down. 849 00:30:33,533 --> 00:30:36,303 I want to come back here with a bigger purse. 850 00:30:40,167 --> 00:30:41,227 (Jill) Hmm... 851 00:30:45,833 --> 00:30:48,833 [cell phone ringing] 852 00:30:54,267 --> 00:30:58,597 [ringing continues] 853 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:02,200 Have not had coffee yet. Sorry in advance. 854 00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:05,300 So how was date three with the orphan? 855 00:31:05,300 --> 00:31:06,730 Are you engaged yet? 856 00:31:06,733 --> 00:31:08,803 Uh... maybe the opposite. 857 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,400 We took a romantic trip to Bone Town, 858 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,100 and I just woke up. 859 00:31:13,100 --> 00:31:14,130 Gone. 860 00:31:14,133 --> 00:31:15,103 He just left? 861 00:31:15,100 --> 00:31:17,770 - Who does that? - Me, usually. 862 00:31:17,767 --> 00:31:19,727 I've thrown myself down trash chutes 863 00:31:19,733 --> 00:31:21,433 to avoid the morning after. 864 00:31:21,433 --> 00:31:22,403 What's up with you? 865 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:23,670 Okay, it's D-Day. 866 00:31:23,667 --> 00:31:25,427 Kindergarten applications are due. 867 00:31:25,433 --> 00:31:27,203 And don't laugh, 868 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,530 but I'm really torn about this Von thing. 869 00:31:29,533 --> 00:31:31,433 Brooke is sending one of her nannies over 870 00:31:31,433 --> 00:31:33,233 to pick up my applications any minute. 871 00:31:33,233 --> 00:31:34,833 - What do I do? - What does Andy say? 872 00:31:34,833 --> 00:31:35,803 You know him. 873 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,530 He just wants to please his family. 874 00:31:37,533 --> 00:31:39,873 He even printed out another set of applications 875 00:31:39,867 --> 00:31:41,727 and filled them out with "Von Weber" 876 00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:43,373 to try to change my mind. 877 00:31:43,367 --> 00:31:44,767 But every time I reach for that pile, 878 00:31:44,767 --> 00:31:47,567 I feel like I'm joining the Aryan Nation. 879 00:31:47,567 --> 00:31:49,467 Who's crazy this time, them or me? 880 00:31:49,467 --> 00:31:50,897 Usually it's pretty clear-cut, 881 00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:54,000 but, oof, that raw bar is clouding my judgment. 882 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,630 [knock at door] 883 00:31:55,633 --> 00:31:56,873 That's weird. 884 00:31:56,867 --> 00:31:58,597 Jill, I'll call you back. 885 00:32:02,467 --> 00:32:03,597 Timothy! 886 00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:06,030 Hey, you. 887 00:32:06,033 --> 00:32:07,773 What's happening? 888 00:32:07,767 --> 00:32:08,967 I'm making us breakfast. 889 00:32:08,967 --> 00:32:10,227 What did you think was happening? 890 00:32:10,233 --> 00:32:13,233 I make a mean Spanish omelet. 891 00:32:13,233 --> 00:32:14,633 Wait. You didn't think I'd just take off 892 00:32:14,633 --> 00:32:16,373 without saying good-bye? 893 00:32:16,367 --> 00:32:18,927 I've heard that happens. 894 00:32:21,567 --> 00:32:23,527 Oh, do you have a 12-inch cast iron? 895 00:32:23,533 --> 00:32:25,603 Nonstick would work, but I like cast iron. 896 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:27,000 Better flavor. 897 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:32,130 [Jill's voice warbling] 898 00:32:35,667 --> 00:32:39,427 Ahh! Oh, my God. 899 00:32:39,433 --> 00:32:42,603 So, Jill, what happened this morning with Nicole? 900 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:44,030 She said you had a conflict. 901 00:32:44,033 --> 00:32:45,033 Big-time. 902 00:32:45,033 --> 00:32:46,033 Identity... 903 00:32:46,033 --> 00:32:47,773 ♪ crisis ♪ 904 00:32:47,767 --> 00:32:50,297 Oh, my God, that feels so good. 905 00:32:50,300 --> 00:32:51,730 I'll spare you the details, 906 00:32:51,733 --> 00:32:54,703 but I schlepped both piles of school applications up here, 907 00:32:54,700 --> 00:32:56,730 Von and non-Von, 908 00:32:56,733 --> 00:32:59,733 and I'm just gonna see where the day takes me. 909 00:32:59,733 --> 00:33:00,903 [sighs] 910 00:33:00,900 --> 00:33:02,400 Will you move in with me? 911 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,430 If she doesn't show up at work tomorrow, 912 00:33:04,433 --> 00:33:06,373 she's chloroformed in my closet. 913 00:33:06,367 --> 00:33:08,227 [laughter] 914 00:33:08,233 --> 00:33:11,503 Jill, you're funny! 915 00:33:11,500 --> 00:33:12,800 You're overthinking it. 916 00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:14,430 It's only a name. 917 00:33:14,433 --> 00:33:17,673 Well, a name that has already opened up many doors. 918 00:33:17,667 --> 00:33:20,267 I just got a table at Danny Meyer's new taqueria, 919 00:33:20,267 --> 00:33:22,667 after weeks of trying with no success. 920 00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:25,527 My point is, this is just the beginning. 921 00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,170 Oh, my God. 922 00:33:30,167 --> 00:33:31,397 Jill! 923 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,770 You look young enough to still have your period. 924 00:33:33,767 --> 00:33:36,867 Oh, my, she does look radiant. 925 00:33:36,867 --> 00:33:39,997 I told you they're famous for their stem-cell facials. 926 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:41,900 It's illegal in most countries. 927 00:33:41,900 --> 00:33:43,470 Can I see? 928 00:33:43,467 --> 00:33:46,497 [sweeping mandolin music] 929 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:49,130 ♪ ♪ 930 00:33:49,133 --> 00:33:50,673 (woman) I'm terribly sorry to bother you, 931 00:33:50,667 --> 00:33:52,567 but there's a Nicole at the desk 932 00:33:52,567 --> 00:33:55,967 asking for a package she's meant to pick up. 933 00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:57,727 (Brooke) Jill. 934 00:33:57,733 --> 00:33:59,903 Jill! 935 00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:01,670 Tell her... 936 00:34:01,667 --> 00:34:04,727 Jill Von Weber will be right there. 937 00:34:13,767 --> 00:34:15,197 Thanks again. 938 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:18,870 That was the most action that this kitchen's ever had. 939 00:34:18,867 --> 00:34:20,727 Oh. 940 00:34:23,300 --> 00:34:26,630 Is it bad that I want to see you again really soon? 941 00:34:26,633 --> 00:34:29,573 - Like, how soon? - I was thinking tonight. 942 00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:32,967 Oh, look at you with no intimacy issues. 943 00:34:32,967 --> 00:34:35,397 Sure. Text me later. I'll be at work. 944 00:34:37,300 --> 00:34:38,900 One more. 945 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:42,970 Okay. 946 00:34:42,967 --> 00:34:44,527 One more. 947 00:34:44,533 --> 00:34:46,003 - Okay, but that's the last one. - Mm-hmm. 948 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:47,230 - For reals. - Okay. 949 00:34:47,233 --> 00:34:49,003 I'm leaving. 950 00:34:50,167 --> 00:34:52,127 - Bye. - Bye. 951 00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:58,200 To Jill becoming a Von. 952 00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:00,470 To Jill learning to luxuriate. 953 00:35:00,467 --> 00:35:03,427 To Nicole, who's delivering 14 applications 954 00:35:03,433 --> 00:35:05,133 while I beautify. 955 00:35:05,133 --> 00:35:07,233 Vons really do have more fun. 956 00:35:07,233 --> 00:35:09,833 [laughter] 957 00:35:09,833 --> 00:35:10,973 So true. 958 00:35:10,967 --> 00:35:12,027 Hilarious. 959 00:35:12,033 --> 00:35:14,673 [laughs] Jill, you're a hoot. 960 00:35:14,667 --> 00:35:17,527 Anyway, thank you so much for including me. 961 00:35:17,533 --> 00:35:19,333 This is really such a treat. 962 00:35:19,333 --> 00:35:21,203 We don't spend enough time together, 963 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:22,730 the three of us. 964 00:35:22,733 --> 00:35:25,873 You know, the longer I live, 965 00:35:25,867 --> 00:35:29,897 the more I realize how important it is... 966 00:35:29,900 --> 00:35:31,670 to stay thin. 967 00:35:31,667 --> 00:35:32,627 Yeah. 968 00:35:32,633 --> 00:35:34,803 Oh, no bread! 969 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:36,700 I'm sorry. I thought you had bread. 970 00:35:36,700 --> 00:35:37,900 Sorry. 971 00:35:37,900 --> 00:35:40,070 Anyway, I can't believe that I still have 972 00:35:40,067 --> 00:35:42,767 a hot-stone massage to look forward to after lunch. 973 00:35:42,767 --> 00:35:44,167 [laughter] 974 00:35:44,167 --> 00:35:45,427 What's going on? 975 00:35:45,433 --> 00:35:48,133 You are not getting a hot-stone massage. 976 00:35:48,133 --> 00:35:52,033 We got you a surprise treatment instead. 977 00:35:52,033 --> 00:35:53,573 Seriously? 978 00:35:53,567 --> 00:35:55,797 I don't like surprises when I know they're coming. 979 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:57,300 Don't worry. 980 00:35:57,300 --> 00:36:01,770 Just relax and savor your new identity. 981 00:36:01,767 --> 00:36:03,097 Okay. 982 00:36:03,100 --> 00:36:05,130 By the way, I just told Andy the news. 983 00:36:05,133 --> 00:36:06,473 I think he's in shock. 984 00:36:06,467 --> 00:36:09,267 [laughs] Probably is. 985 00:36:12,567 --> 00:36:14,627 I love being married, but next time around, 986 00:36:14,633 --> 00:36:16,973 I'm definitely not changing my name. 987 00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:18,697 (woman) Talk later. 988 00:36:18,700 --> 00:36:20,330 I'm sorry. 989 00:36:20,333 --> 00:36:21,403 I couldn't help but overhear. 990 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,670 I'm Andy, by the way. 991 00:36:23,667 --> 00:36:26,397 Curious, why the regrets about changing your name? 992 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:27,970 Oh, my God, don't get me started. 993 00:36:27,967 --> 00:36:29,427 Logistical nightmare. 994 00:36:29,433 --> 00:36:33,133 My credit cards, bills, my passport, bank statements, 995 00:36:33,133 --> 00:36:35,873 Facebook account, everything had to be changed. 996 00:36:35,867 --> 00:36:38,467 Just last week, I couldn't get on to a flight 997 00:36:38,467 --> 00:36:39,897 because my airline tickets 998 00:36:39,900 --> 00:36:41,370 didn't match my driver's license. 999 00:36:41,367 --> 00:36:42,767 I went berserk. 1000 00:36:42,767 --> 00:36:43,827 One of me is probably 1001 00:36:43,833 --> 00:36:45,433 on a terrorist watch list by now. 1002 00:36:45,433 --> 00:36:47,233 Ironically, I'm thinking of changing my name. 1003 00:36:47,233 --> 00:36:48,573 I was going to, but now... 1004 00:36:48,567 --> 00:36:50,127 Oh, don't listen to me. 1005 00:36:50,133 --> 00:36:51,833 You should totally go for it. 1006 00:36:51,833 --> 00:36:53,333 Same-sex marriage is, like, 1007 00:36:53,333 --> 00:36:55,373 the most important issue right now. 1008 00:36:55,367 --> 00:36:57,327 Are you guys hyphenating or doing a hybrid or...? 1009 00:36:57,333 --> 00:36:58,573 Uh... 1010 00:36:58,567 --> 00:36:59,627 Whatever. It doesn't matter. [phone ringing] 1011 00:36:59,633 --> 00:37:00,773 I just think it's so romantic 1012 00:37:00,767 --> 00:37:01,997 to share a name with someone you love. 1013 00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:03,100 Excuse me. 1014 00:37:03,100 --> 00:37:05,170 Hi. this is Tamra Slutsky. 1015 00:37:05,167 --> 00:37:07,627 Not as far as I know. 1016 00:37:07,633 --> 00:37:09,573 Is it a Reiki treatment? 1017 00:37:09,567 --> 00:37:10,827 Dead Sea salt scrub? 1018 00:37:10,833 --> 00:37:13,903 Oh, is it a reading by your psychic Ronaldo? 1019 00:37:13,900 --> 00:37:16,900 Honestly, I'm a skeptic dying to be converted. 1020 00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:18,330 Tell her, Brooke. 1021 00:37:18,333 --> 00:37:22,303 We thought it might be fun to try out some new looks. 1022 00:37:22,300 --> 00:37:24,700 Okay, what kind of new looks? 1023 00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:26,670 Just a few minor tweaks here and there, 1024 00:37:26,667 --> 00:37:29,297 starting with some caramel highlights. 1025 00:37:29,300 --> 00:37:30,900 But I like my hair the way it is. 1026 00:37:30,900 --> 00:37:34,000 Oh, trust us, Jill. You're very severe. 1027 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,730 (Brooke) You could be so much prettier if you tried. 1028 00:37:36,733 --> 00:37:38,703 Like, so much prettier. 1029 00:37:38,700 --> 00:37:40,670 We just want to brighten up your look, 1030 00:37:40,667 --> 00:37:41,797 introduce you to bronzer. 1031 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:42,830 Bronzer. 1032 00:37:42,833 --> 00:37:44,103 Think softening. 1033 00:37:44,100 --> 00:37:45,870 Think youth. 1034 00:37:45,867 --> 00:37:47,397 Think blood in the veins. 1035 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,970 Thanks, but I think I'm gonna stick with my own thing. 1036 00:37:49,967 --> 00:37:53,067 Oh, sweetie, ever since the Hercules sale, 1037 00:37:53,067 --> 00:37:55,467 our family is in the spotlight. 1038 00:37:55,467 --> 00:37:56,497 Center stage. 1039 00:37:56,500 --> 00:37:58,130 You're in the wings, of course, 1040 00:37:58,133 --> 00:38:01,173 but if you can see them, they can see you. 1041 00:38:01,167 --> 00:38:03,667 And we want you to look your best. 1042 00:38:03,667 --> 00:38:05,267 You're a Von now. 1043 00:38:05,267 --> 00:38:07,297 Own it. 1044 00:38:07,300 --> 00:38:09,500 Okay. 1045 00:38:09,500 --> 00:38:10,730 Lucinda? 1046 00:38:10,733 --> 00:38:12,773 [cart creaking] 1047 00:38:12,767 --> 00:38:15,767 [ominous music] 1048 00:38:15,767 --> 00:38:19,127 ♪ ♪ 1049 00:38:19,133 --> 00:38:22,473 Highlights. 1050 00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:24,027 Pastels. 1051 00:38:24,033 --> 00:38:25,133 (Brooke) Ladylike. 1052 00:38:25,133 --> 00:38:26,333 The sky. 1053 00:38:26,333 --> 00:38:27,573 - Lavender - Perfume. 1054 00:38:27,567 --> 00:38:28,597 Soft. 1055 00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:29,730 (Candace) Nonthreatening. 1056 00:38:29,733 --> 00:38:32,133 (Brooke) Girly, golden retrievers. 1057 00:38:32,133 --> 00:38:33,173 No. 1058 00:38:33,167 --> 00:38:34,227 - Pretty. - No. 1059 00:38:34,233 --> 00:38:35,773 Feminine. 1060 00:38:35,767 --> 00:38:36,967 Aah! 1061 00:38:36,967 --> 00:38:39,367 No, I-- This isn't happening! 1062 00:38:39,367 --> 00:38:41,267 Jill, calm yourself. 1063 00:38:41,267 --> 00:38:43,427 Look, I know you mean well. 1064 00:38:43,433 --> 00:38:44,773 I'm pretty sure you mean well. 1065 00:38:44,767 --> 00:38:46,797 But this is who I am. 1066 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:48,200 And if you'll excuse me, 1067 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:52,170 I have 14 non-Von applications to deliver. 1068 00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:56,500 [upbeat rock music] 1069 00:38:56,500 --> 00:39:04,530 ♪ ♪ 1070 00:39:12,567 --> 00:39:14,867 Hello. Hi. Wonderful to be here. 1071 00:39:14,867 --> 00:39:17,727 I specifically hand-delivered these applications 1072 00:39:17,733 --> 00:39:20,403 'cause you're our first-choice school. 1073 00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,030 Save the boot-licking for my boss. 1074 00:39:22,033 --> 00:39:24,173 I'm just here to collect the applications. 1075 00:39:24,167 --> 00:39:26,127 Appreciate your honesty. 1076 00:39:26,133 --> 00:39:27,133 Cheers. 1077 00:39:27,133 --> 00:39:28,803 One down, 13 to go. 1078 00:39:32,700 --> 00:39:34,730 Aah! 1079 00:39:42,233 --> 00:39:43,903 but are you furious with me? 1080 00:39:43,900 --> 00:39:45,300 Oh, I don't know. 1081 00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:47,100 I might be able to forgive you, 1082 00:39:47,100 --> 00:39:48,870 with a little persuasion. 1083 00:39:48,867 --> 00:39:50,367 Oh, really? 1084 00:39:50,367 --> 00:39:53,227 What kind of persuasion, my tall, 1085 00:39:53,233 --> 00:39:56,803 handsome, aristocratic husband? 1086 00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:58,800 This kind. 1087 00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:01,030 (Miles) Mommy! I'm scared! 1088 00:40:01,033 --> 00:40:03,673 - What is wrong with him? - He needs to grow a pair. 1089 00:40:06,433 --> 00:40:07,533 (Miles) Mommy! 1090 00:40:07,533 --> 00:40:09,333 - Eff me hard. - Oh! 1091 00:40:09,333 --> 00:40:10,833 That's what I was trying to do. 1092 00:40:10,833 --> 00:40:12,473 Coming, honey! 1093 00:40:15,067 --> 00:40:17,227 - Damn. - Right? 1094 00:40:21,033 --> 00:40:23,133 Hey, where are you going? 1095 00:40:23,133 --> 00:40:24,473 Just the bathroom. 1096 00:40:24,467 --> 00:40:26,497 Oh, no, don't go. 1097 00:40:26,500 --> 00:40:30,030 Aw, you're cute. 1098 00:40:30,033 --> 00:40:31,833 Really, don't, okay? 1099 00:40:31,833 --> 00:40:32,873 Just, like, not yet. 1100 00:40:32,867 --> 00:40:33,867 Come back. 1101 00:40:33,867 --> 00:40:35,167 I will, in a sec. 1102 00:40:35,167 --> 00:40:36,997 I just have to pee and take my contacts out. 1103 00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,470 You go to sleep. I'll be right back. 1104 00:40:38,467 --> 00:40:39,897 Okay, but, like, really hurry back 1105 00:40:39,900 --> 00:40:41,630 and don't even wash your hands. 1106 00:40:43,867 --> 00:40:47,167 Um, it's okay. 1107 00:40:47,167 --> 00:40:48,697 I can go later. 1108 00:40:48,700 --> 00:40:51,500 Yeah, yeah. [pounds bed] 1109 00:40:51,500 --> 00:40:53,130 Yes, yeah, come here. 1110 00:40:53,133 --> 00:40:54,233 - Okay. - Come back. 1111 00:40:54,233 --> 00:40:55,303 - Come back. - Oh. 1112 00:40:55,300 --> 00:40:56,700 - Okay. - Oh. 1113 00:40:56,700 --> 00:40:59,000 - Okay. - Okay. 1114 00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,500 Well... 1115 00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,070 This is comfortable. 1116 00:41:04,833 --> 00:41:06,973 Hey, your timing is perfect. 1117 00:41:06,967 --> 00:41:08,767 I just got him to sleep. 1118 00:41:08,767 --> 00:41:10,467 (Vanessa) Oh, me too. 1119 00:41:10,467 --> 00:41:13,397 So here's the thing about this particular orphan. 1120 00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,630 He has abandonment issues, which would be fine 1121 00:41:15,633 --> 00:41:17,703 if I didn't have intimacy issues. 1122 00:41:17,700 --> 00:41:19,600 Define "abandonment issues." 1123 00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:21,400 Um, he cried when I said 1124 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,230 I couldn't see him tomorrow night. 1125 00:41:23,233 --> 00:41:25,203 Okay, yeah, bye-bye. 1126 00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:28,270 Oh, so that selfie you sent after your day of beauty 1127 00:41:28,267 --> 00:41:29,867 was insane. 1128 00:41:29,867 --> 00:41:32,027 Your skin looked so young. 1129 00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:33,603 I had to hate you for a second. 1130 00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:36,600 Thanks, honey, but it's not happening again. 1131 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:38,130 My in-laws might disown me 1132 00:41:38,133 --> 00:41:40,073 for rejecting their stupid heritage. 1133 00:41:40,067 --> 00:41:41,127 [groans] 1134 00:41:41,133 --> 00:41:43,433 Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. 1135 00:41:43,433 --> 00:41:46,173 Good night, Miles. 1136 00:41:46,167 --> 00:41:48,497 Good night, stem-cell facials. 1137 00:41:48,500 --> 00:41:50,000 [laughs] 1138 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,530 Good night, Candace thinking I'm a hoot. 1139 00:41:52,533 --> 00:41:55,003 Good night, Spanish omelets. 1140 00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:57,770 Good night, best sex I've had since Labor Day. 1141 00:41:57,767 --> 00:41:59,227 [groaning] No. 1142 00:41:59,233 --> 00:42:01,233 Oh, God. He's having a nightmare. 1143 00:42:01,233 --> 00:42:02,333 I got to go. 1144 00:42:02,333 --> 00:42:03,703 [Timothy muttering, Vanessa shushing] 1145 00:42:03,700 --> 00:42:04,930 (Timothy) I was at the store. 1146 00:42:04,933 --> 00:42:06,803 Good night, I love you. 1147 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:09,170 No... 1148 00:42:09,167 --> 00:42:10,397 I haven't seen him. 1149 00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:11,600 Okay, he's gone. 1150 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:12,930 No... 1151 00:42:22,733 --> 00:42:25,173 [phone beeping] 1152 00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:27,267 Hello. I'm wondering if, by chance, 1153 00:42:27,267 --> 00:42:30,427 you have a table for two tonight at 8:00? 1154 00:42:30,433 --> 00:42:31,903 Yeah, I figured. 1155 00:42:31,900 --> 00:42:34,900 Thanks, anyway, and congrats on the great review-- 79248

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