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1
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Eight of hearts.
2
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,270
Drink!
3
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:09,786
Three of clubs.
4
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,854
Drink! Drink!
5
00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:14,257
I forget, which cards
don't we drink on?
6
00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:15,658
Don't worry, I took them
out of the deck.
7
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:16,526
Francine!
8
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,194
Francine!
9
00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:19,462
Francine!
10
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:20,463
Francine!
11
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:21,531
Chicago Dave!
12
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,865
That's Chicago Dave!
13
00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,066
My buddy from college!
14
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:26,136
He's ascended the mountain,
Francine!
15
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,404
A real mountain?
16
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,005
Like Mount Everlast?
17
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,007
Or Mount Killamandingo?
18
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,142
What? No.
19
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,876
He's writing movies
for Reese Witherspoon!
20
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,613
What's the best part of writing
a movie for Reese Witherspoon?
21
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,415
Easy. Meeting Reese Witherspoon.
22
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,483
Obviously.
I'm so embarrassed I even asked.
23
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:41,752
Dave moved to Chicago.
24
00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:44,420
Joined the world-famous
City Second improv troupe
25
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:45,956
where he was plucked
to join the cast
26
00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:47,557
of "Sketches and Laughing,"
27
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,025
a.k.a. "S-and-L"!
28
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,494
And now he's writing
Reese Witherspoon movies.
29
00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:52,895
What's your point, Stan?
30
00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:55,031
My point is that man
could have been me.
31
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,699
I flipped another card!
32
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,237
Great, I'm missing
the end of the game.
33
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:02,505
It's a red one!
34
00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:05,130
Ugh, that's a drink one, Stan.
35
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:10,713
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
36
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:14,250
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
37
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:17,120
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
38
00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:20,946
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
39
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,729
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
40
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,132
♪ Good... ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
41
00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:30,322
Aah!
42
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,727
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
43
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:40,143
Chicago Dave is living
the best life a human can.
44
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,078
And you went to college
with him.
45
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,880
I more than went to college
with him.
46
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,148
A little backstory is needed.
47
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,349
Ugh.
48
00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,551
It was the summer
of 21 years ago...
49
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,554
The start of my senior year
of college.
50
00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:54,090
I was ready to take the throne
as Funniest Student
51
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,492
in the School of Government.
52
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,627
But what I didn't know
was someone else
53
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,362
had eyes on the same prize.
54
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,964
What are two examples
of a Republic?
55
00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:04,100
Uh, Disneyland and Narnia.
56
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,237
Uh, my butt and balls.
57
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,106
Okay, shut up, shut up!
58
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,531
We're trying to learn
government here!
59
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,378
We became a team.
60
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,848
By winter break we were known
more for our comedy
61
00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:19,982
than our schoolwork,
which we had stopped doing.
62
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,519
...which led to rules
governing search and seizure...
63
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,521
Seizure? I barely know her!
64
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,923
Checks and balances?
65
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:28,991
More like cheeks and ball-ances!
66
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,685
I didn't even say checks
and balances!
67
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:39,536
Promise me you will never accept
any sort of government job.
68
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,404
And do what instead?
69
00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,739
Comedy? Sure.
70
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,875
I despise comedy,
so that would be great.
71
00:02:44,899 --> 00:02:47,077
Except for Mark Russell,
the political pianist.
72
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,412
You guys familiar?
73
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,680
What do you say, Stan?
74
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,550
Ya wanna move to Chicago
and chase this dragon?
75
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:57,354
♪ Ross Perot,
he's an independent hero! ♪
76
00:02:57,378 --> 00:03:01,291
♪ Giant sucking sound,
was a total zero! ♪
77
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:04,427
There was only one problem.
78
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,562
I can't go.
79
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,963
I'm too afraid.
80
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,099
Come on, Stan. I can't go alone.
81
00:03:09,123 --> 00:03:11,634
I need someone to talk to
on the drive.
82
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:13,192
Oh, wait.
83
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:18,241
Never mind! Bye!
84
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,966
Have fun living a life of fear!
85
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,380
He moved to Chicago without me.
86
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,717
Never talked to him again.
Tried to get in touch,
87
00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:29,319
but who can touch
a shooting star?
88
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:32,188
You can't even touch
a regular star, Stan.
89
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,189
They're suns.
90
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,258
If I'd just gotten
in that Fiero,
91
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,859
I'd be a famous comedian.
92
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,263
What? How?
93
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:43,533
You're not funny.
Tha... bha...
tha... bha...
94
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,667
I'm a funny guy!
95
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,202
That's what I identify as.
96
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,671
Stan Smith... Funny. Guy.
97
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:50,673
I honestly don't know
98
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,208
if you're joking right now.
99
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,944
It's always so hard
to tell with you.
100
00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:56,012
Are you being crazy right now?
101
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:57,703
Kids!
102
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,041
Not you, Klaus.
103
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,623
Your Dad just said
he's a funny guy.
104
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,360
That's a funny thing
to say, Dad.
105
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,428
That's not like you.
106
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,629
It wasn't a joke!
107
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:13,630
Here's a joke...
108
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:14,897
Have you seen these teens
109
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,433
eating their Tide Pods?
110
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,901
What the heck?
Those are for dishwashers.
111
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:19,970
Boo.
112
00:04:19,994 --> 00:04:22,905
Stan, the last good joke
you made was Steve!
113
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,708
Nice, Mom!
You burned Dad and Steve.
114
00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:28,511
Unlike Dad,
who's had 14 years to burn me
115
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,046
and never once scored.
116
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,182
Never once scored...
117
00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:33,583
Kinda like Steve!
118
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,518
Oh, ho! Wow!
119
00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:36,853
You see that, Dad?
120
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,158
That's how you roast Steve.
121
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,496
What the hell, Stan?
122
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,298
I'm out. Moving to Chicago.
123
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:49,966
Gonna prove the haters wrong.
124
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,167
What about work?
125
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:52,636
I told Bullock that when
I was young,
126
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,171
I dreamt of being a comedian
and how I chickened out.
127
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,840
He instantly granted me
Regret Leave,
128
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,442
which was a surprise considering
129
00:04:58,466 --> 00:04:59,976
we're basically
getting ass-slammed
130
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,111
by China round the clock.
131
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:02,846
Why don't you just take
an improv class
132
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,247
at the Learning Attic?
133
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,116
Why would I listen to anything
you have to say?
134
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,250
You're my number-one hater.
135
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,918
You've never supported
my comedy.
136
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,054
Come on, is this real?
137
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,788
How long do you plan to be gone?
138
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,590
As long as it takes.
139
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,315
Maybe even longer.
140
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,063
Goodbye, Francine.
141
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,531
Lemme know how
the kids turn out!
142
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:29,272
♪ Standing tall,
on the wings of my dream ♪
143
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:35,945
♪ Rise and fall,
on the wings of my dream ♪
144
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:39,015
♪ The rain and thunder,
the hmm and muhmuh ♪
145
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:42,618
♪ Um buh for better days!
146
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:46,022
♪ It's my life and my dream
147
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:49,625
♪ Nothing's going
to stop me now ♪
148
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:00,103
Wow.
149
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:02,861
This is what I missed out
on 21 years ago.
150
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:05,775
Klaus?! Klaus!
151
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,377
Baaa-haaaa!
152
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,380
You didn't think I'd let you
move to Chi-Town solo, did you?
153
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:13,183
Plus, my boy Courtney
in Tampa's cousin, Lindsey,
154
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,119
lives down in Champaign
and has a super-tight posse.
155
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,388
He said we can go down there
or they can come up here.
156
00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,456
It's all good, Stan.
157
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,058
No, no. No distractions.
158
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,194
I'm here to focus
on my comedy career.
159
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:27,130
Tomorrow is my first day
at City Second Improv.
160
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,664
Don't worry, Stan.
161
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,666
My boys won't get in the way.
162
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:33,669
We're just gonna be joshing
around, teasing each other,
163
00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:36,139
sharing our dreams,
building our lives,
164
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,343
and creating memories
that will last a lifetime.
165
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:41,811
That's if they're willing
to drive up from Champaign,
166
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,880
which they sounded
on the fence about.
167
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,885
I'm gonna bury you guys
at improv.
168
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,286
I wrote so much improv.
169
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,488
I got a joke for every location.
170
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:55,225
Bar, Mission Control,
Grocery Store,
171
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:56,692
another Mission Control.
172
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,027
Restaurant?
173
00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,029
No one's gonna say "restaurant"!
174
00:06:59,053 --> 00:07:00,296
No one's gonna say that!
175
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,232
Welcome to Improv Level One!
176
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:04,100
After tonight,
you'll see there's no limit
177
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,370
to your comedy dreams
beyond the number of classes
178
00:07:06,394 --> 00:07:07,904
you can afford.
179
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,428
So let's go!
180
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:11,975
You must quit comedy
immediately.
181
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,577
I'm sorry? You were horrible.
182
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,511
That thing where you kept
pulling your shirt
183
00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,581
over your head
and yelling incoherently?
184
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:18,648
That's Turtle Man!
185
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,250
A very funny character of mine!
186
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,119
Look, I'm not supposed
to discourage anyone.
187
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,589
This theater, like every other
comedy theater in America,
188
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:28,057
is a pyramid scheme.
189
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,727
There are plenty of jobs
outside of comedy.
190
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,129
Have you ever considered
getting a government job?
191
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,931
Actually I work at the C.I.A.
192
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,601
That's pretty funny.
193
00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:40,404
But that's not a joke.
I do work at the C.I.A.
194
00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:41,994
Please leave at once.
195
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:47,577
What happened?!
196
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,512
My teacher kicked me
out of improv class
197
00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:50,847
after only eight minutes.
198
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:51,848
Wow, that's fast.
199
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,716
But it's only your
first setback.
200
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,384
And my last. I'm quitting.
201
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:58,788
But we haven't even had time
to hang with my Champaign Crew.
202
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:02,191
Stan, this is Lindsey,
Double Dog, and Monty.
203
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,061
Klaus, I don't want to meet
your disgusting friends.
204
00:08:04,085 --> 00:08:06,596
They all look like
Toomgis the Snack Monster.
205
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,467
Holy crap,
this dude's hilarious.
206
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:11,935
You shouldn't do improv.
207
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:16,139
You should be a famous
stand-up comedian.
208
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,406
I like these guys.
209
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,342
Seem smart. Stan.
210
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:20,677
Name's Stan.
211
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,001
Stan Smith.
212
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,748
Why aren't you guys ready?
213
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:28,151
We're going on that
Deep Dish Pizza Crawl.
214
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,886
Actually we're staying in
and helping
215
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,488
Stan with his comedy.
216
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:33,222
Why would you want to hang out
with these guys anyway, Klaus?
217
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,958
They look like a bunch
of Toomgises.
218
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:37,894
You said that one before, Stan!
219
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,696
I'm recycling some of
the classic ones, Klaus.
220
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,830
All the greats do it.
221
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,299
Oh, here's a new joke
I thought of...
222
00:08:42,323 --> 00:08:44,033
Klaus got caught
sneaking a thermos
223
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,969
into the movie theater
and he cried!
224
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:49,839
Good one, Stan.
225
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,308
Classic joke structure.
226
00:08:51,332 --> 00:08:54,511
I'm going to, uh, go throw
a whiz in the toilet.
227
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,780
Francine.
You gotta come get Stan.
228
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:59,248
He totally crashed and burned
trying to do comedy
229
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,250
and he's too ashamed
to come home.
230
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,252
Are you not here?
231
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,188
What, no, I'm in Chicago!
232
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,791
I left weeks ago,
when Stan left.
233
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,459
Huh. Now what's this?
234
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:11,460
Stan's given up on comedy!
235
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:14,197
He just sits on his ass all day
with these idiots,
236
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,065
who are supposed to be
my friends, by the way.
237
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,001
And if you ever want
your husband back,
238
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,736
you got to come get him.
239
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,474
So, have you been to
a deli lately?
240
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:26,743
All this deli meat?
241
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:30,880
I mean, who needs
this much deli meat?
242
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,682
And that's how I close the show.
243
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:40,089
Francine,
what are you doing here?
244
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,958
Klaus called me and... Klaus?!
245
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,828
Klaus, you called Francine
to come get me?
246
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,295
What?
247
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,765
No, no, I only called her to
tell her you were doing great.
248
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,233
And I didn't even call her!
249
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,369
So you haven't given up, Stan?
250
00:09:52,393 --> 00:09:54,771
That's great news,
because I felt
251
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,906
terrible about
not supporting you.
252
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,308
Everybody felt terrible
about that.
253
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,710
It was a dark day.
254
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,512
Let me make it up to you.
255
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,381
I want to get you out there.
256
00:10:04,405 --> 00:10:06,583
I'll book you gigs,
be your manager.
257
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,274
Hmm. Would that be stepping
on your toes, Lindsey?
258
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:13,056
Sorry, I guess my cousin
got in a car accident.
259
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,257
What's going on, Stan?
260
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,392
Hey, you focus on your thing.
261
00:10:15,416 --> 00:10:17,060
Francine's my manager now.
262
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,196
Francine, as I become more
and more successful,
263
00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,731
your job will be getting me
roles in Pixar movies
264
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,595
and defending me on Twitter.
265
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,604
Surf's up, duders!
266
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,206
Stan and Fran are gone.
267
00:10:29,230 --> 00:10:31,074
Time to live a little, guys!
268
00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,275
Cowabunga!
269
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,277
Eungh. I'm droppin' in!
270
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,479
Eungh. I'm gonna shoot this!
271
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,881
Eungh.
272
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,838
I'm stayin' upstairs tonight.
273
00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:45,477
Now, this is what the surf
community calls hanging loose.
274
00:10:47,048 --> 00:10:49,893
Honestly, Roger, we're tired
from "livin' a little"
275
00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,360
with you all the time.
276
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,630
We're burned out on all
your schemes, heists,
277
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:56,700
scams, set-ups, misadventures,
and dalliances.
278
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,568
Hmm, I'm starting to think
279
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:01,170
maybe you did steal
my thesaurus, Steve.
280
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:04,241
It's just nice to chill
for a change, don't you think?
281
00:11:04,265 --> 00:11:07,644
No, what I do think is maybe you
guys need a change of scenery.
282
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:11,047
And I heard there's a rager
down at Chimdale Harbor.
283
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,918
Name's Dirt Mirklegunk
and I know how to rock!
284
00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:18,187
No! No! Stop that.
285
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:19,456
Hard pass!
286
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,125
Ugh, that is super annoying!
287
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,927
You're annoying!
You know what, Roger?
288
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,595
Maybe you need a little break
289
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:27,330
from "livin' a little"
all the time.
290
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:28,932
You think so?
291
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,333
I don't know. Tell you what,
292
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,602
why don't you
let Hayley and me host you
293
00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:34,003
for a chill night in?
294
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:37,140
Hmm, and if that sucks,
then we can go live a little?
295
00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:38,608
Maybe. Cool, cool.
296
00:11:38,632 --> 00:11:39,876
By the way, I'm changing my name
297
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,812
from Dirt Murkledunk
to Mirt Dirkledunk.
298
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:45,482
What's up with electric cars?
299
00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:47,350
Is everything gonna be electric?
300
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,752
What's next? Electric slide?
301
00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:52,089
I prefer my slide to be
gas-powered,
302
00:11:52,113 --> 00:11:54,291
thank you very much.
303
00:11:54,315 --> 00:11:57,026
Hmm. No, that's perfect.
304
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,828
Stan, I got you a gig!
305
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:01,498
There's a show
at Pizzeria Uno tonight
306
00:12:01,522 --> 00:12:03,366
and they had a comedian cancel.
307
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,768
Tonight? I'd better practice
308
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,704
my funny faces in the mirror!
309
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:10,373
Your boy's gonna bomb, Francine.
310
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,041
That'd be sad.
311
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:15,645
Then we'd have to go home
where I get to have all the sex
312
00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:16,846
I want with him.
313
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:19,116
And where the snacks and TV are.
314
00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:20,517
You want him to bomb!
315
00:12:20,541 --> 00:12:21,584
Yes, Klaus.
316
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:24,654
You're bad, Francine.
317
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,879
You're a bad lady.
318
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:32,662
Hey! Welcome, everybody,
to Pizzeria Uno's comedy night,
319
00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:33,997
"Take My Slice, Cheese."
320
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,598
Okay.
321
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:38,335
Our first comedian is some guy.
322
00:12:38,359 --> 00:12:40,337
Let's give it up for him, huh?
323
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,473
Whoo!
324
00:12:43,497 --> 00:12:47,744
Please.
"Some Guy" is my father's name.
325
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,612
So, millennials.
326
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,837
Don't you just wish
they were all dead?
327
00:12:53,174 --> 00:12:55,819
But then who would be
left to play Porkymons?
328
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,687
Boo!
329
00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:59,556
Screw you,
let's see you get up here!
330
00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:02,025
I will as soon as
the ambulance arrives.
331
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,026
Oh, no. Is something wrong?
332
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:04,961
Yeah! Someone's choking...
333
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,363
on stage!
334
00:13:06,387 --> 00:13:08,231
This crowd stinks!
335
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,366
Turtle Man out!
336
00:13:12,593 --> 00:13:13,837
Oh, come on!
337
00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:16,305
He knocked over my pitchers
of Blue Moon!
338
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:17,663
Goddammit!
339
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,109
Stan, are you okay?
340
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,512
Those are the kinds of shows
that make you want
341
00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:23,780
to give up and move home.
342
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:26,249
It's okay. You gave it your all.
343
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,385
But I'm not going home!
With your support,
344
00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:30,520
I can do this
for as long as it takes.
345
00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:31,454
Jigga-what?!
346
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,722
You see, I don't want much.
347
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:34,657
I just want to ascend
the mountain of comedy
348
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,594
and stand atop it alone,
like a hero or a god.
349
00:13:37,618 --> 00:13:41,064
Or something bigger than a god,
a fireball... a firehorse!
350
00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:43,466
Anyone who comes near me
shall be burned.
351
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,868
Is that so much to ask?
352
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,403
I guess not.
353
00:13:46,427 --> 00:13:48,538
Whoo! Look out, world!
354
00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:49,606
Cat!
355
00:13:49,630 --> 00:13:51,274
Yeah, you better run!
356
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,943
Uh-oh, Francine, looks like
your support backfired.
357
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,813
You're right.
We're never going home.
358
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,618
Smith!
The Chinese are trying to kill
359
00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:04,754
"S&L" cast member Colin Jokes.
360
00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:07,024
We need an agent on the inside.
361
00:14:07,048 --> 00:14:10,827
Please tell me you've become
a world-class comedian!
362
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,295
"S&L"?
363
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,431
That's the top of the mountain.
364
00:14:14,455 --> 00:14:15,899
We'd be done.
365
00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:17,234
He'll do it!
366
00:14:17,258 --> 00:14:18,501
You ready to get out of here?
367
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,370
Stan! You got "S&L"!
368
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:22,639
What? How?
369
00:14:22,663 --> 00:14:25,842
Uh, one of the busboys
was a scout
370
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,444
and thought you were a genius.
371
00:14:27,468 --> 00:14:29,512
Yes! I made it to "S&L"!
372
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,781
And I didn't have to deploy
my best character...
373
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:34,473
Guy who
talks with a crazy voice!
374
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,524
So Stan really thinks he's funny
enough to be on "S&L"?
375
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,994
Yeah, and if he finds out
otherwise, it'll destroy him.
376
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,264
So don't say anything
about this being a mission.
377
00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:48,932
But shouldn't he know
the Chinese are trying
378
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,533
to kill Colin Jokes?
379
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,868
Stan's a C.I.A. agent.
380
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:55,138
If anything happens, his spy
instincts will take over.
381
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,406
Well, he better not mess this up
382
00:14:56,430 --> 00:14:58,675
because I want to go
to the cast afterparty.
383
00:14:58,699 --> 00:14:59,876
I met a girl on Bumble
who claims
384
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,612
she's second cousins
with Pete Davidson
385
00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:05,082
and I want to make sure
she's not a liar.
386
00:15:05,106 --> 00:15:09,008
One extra-hot
Cranberry Juice Cocktail.
387
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:11,488
Aah!
388
00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:12,956
Alright, I think I'm ready.
389
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,291
There he is!
390
00:15:14,315 --> 00:15:16,293
"S&L" Creator
and Executive Producer
391
00:15:16,317 --> 00:15:17,961
Lorne Mykies!
392
00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:21,764
Stan, I just wanted
to personally thank you.
393
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:25,502
It's good to know Colin's
going to be safe out there.
394
00:15:25,526 --> 00:15:26,703
He'll be safe, alright.
395
00:15:26,727 --> 00:15:29,238
Safe in a blanket
of warm laughter.
396
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,840
It's wild.
397
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,709
All this just because we made
a couple jokes
398
00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:34,644
about the Chinese government.
399
00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:36,379
I've got some pretty good
Chinese jokes
400
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:37,647
that aren't
about the government.
401
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,711
Don't worry, I'll only break
'em out if we need 'em.
402
00:15:40,741 --> 00:15:43,920
The C.I.A.
told me you were funny.
403
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,523
Hmm. What do you think he meant
by "the C.I.A.
404
00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:47,590
told me you were funny"?
405
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,126
Who knows? That guy's a weirdo!
406
00:15:49,150 --> 00:15:52,395
All you have to do now is relax
and read the cue cards.
407
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,464
Remember, "S&L" has the funniest
writers in the world.
408
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,066
They do now that I'm here.
409
00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:00,403
That's why I rewrote all the cue
cards with my own punchlines.
410
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,338
What?!
411
00:16:01,362 --> 00:16:03,206
What pen did you use?
412
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,142
And what end did you hold?
413
00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:09,546
Don't want to live a little,
huh?
414
00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:11,537
Well, this is the other way
to go.
415
00:16:17,578 --> 00:16:19,156
Damn, what's in this shit?
416
00:16:19,180 --> 00:16:21,758
Rum & Cokes!
Get your rum & Cokes!
417
00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:22,959
I can't drink rum.
418
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,227
Yours doesn't have rum in it.
419
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,363
Which one's mine?
Any one without the "X."
420
00:16:26,387 --> 00:16:28,498
So it's movie night
and we're stayin' in.
421
00:16:28,522 --> 00:16:30,099
Love it.
422
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:34,303
Tonight's entertainment
is 2017's "The Beguiled,"
423
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,573
about an injured
Union soldier in the South
424
00:16:36,597 --> 00:16:38,375
that comes upon a school
full of women.
425
00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:40,377
Fair warning...
Whenever I watch a movie,
426
00:16:40,401 --> 00:16:43,602
I can't resist making
hilarious little comments.
427
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:49,452
Beguiled? More like buh...
428
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,654
buh-bullshiiiiiit.
429
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,256
Heh heh heh.
430
00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:57,927
You can't start
"Week In Updates"!
431
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,129
Oh, no, it started.
432
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,055
And I totally would have
stopped it for you.
433
00:17:04,825 --> 00:17:06,536
Hello. I'm Colin Jokes.
434
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,004
And I'm Stan Smith.
435
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,873
And this is "Week In Updates."
436
00:17:09,897 --> 00:17:12,009
Honey! Langley Stan!
437
00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:14,277
My buddy from college!
He's done it!
438
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:16,613
He's ascended the mountain!
439
00:17:16,637 --> 00:17:19,682
Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you'd fallen asleep.
440
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,151
The city of Philadelphia
had quite a mess
441
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,352
on its hands this week
442
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,755
when 80 cows got loose
on the freeway.
443
00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:29,025
When reached for comment,
the Mayor of Philadelphia said,
444
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,227
"Millennials?
445
00:17:30,251 --> 00:17:34,097
Don't you wish
they were all dead?"
446
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:36,889
But then who would eat
all the avacordo torst?
447
00:17:38,592 --> 00:17:41,037
Tough crowd.
448
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,640
Oh, no, Turtle Man.
449
00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:45,842
Wait, look at Colin Jokes' hand.
450
00:17:45,866 --> 00:17:47,711
A bomb detonator!
451
00:17:47,735 --> 00:17:49,779
Colin Jokes isn't the target.
452
00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:51,114
He's the attacker!
453
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,716
But Stan can't see!
454
00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:54,918
His spy instincts won't kick in!
455
00:17:54,942 --> 00:17:57,309
We've got to do something!
456
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:02,992
They love me.
457
00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:03,927
Riiiight.
458
00:18:03,951 --> 00:18:05,884
Spy instincts!
459
00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:08,331
Aah!
460
00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:28,551
I've heard of a comedian
bombing, but this is ridiculous.
461
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:39,028
Wow, pretty good for a movie
with no dinosaurs,
462
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,697
don't ya think?
463
00:18:40,721 --> 00:18:43,767
Sleepy heads countin' sheep.
Don't worry.
464
00:18:43,791 --> 00:18:46,836
Uncle Roger'll clean up
all the cups and poison.
465
00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:49,172
The poison! To the hospital!
466
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:58,715
Did they find
the real Colin Jokes?
467
00:18:58,739 --> 00:19:01,318
He was tied up
in his dressing room.
468
00:19:01,342 --> 00:19:02,652
Turns out the Chinese were only
469
00:19:02,676 --> 00:19:05,522
after tonight's
musical guest, Pitbull.
470
00:19:05,546 --> 00:19:08,057
I guess China's President is
in a legal battle
471
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:10,794
with him
over the title of Mr. Worldwide.
472
00:19:10,818 --> 00:19:13,196
I should really get on the horn
with Beijing,
473
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,532
see if I can smooth things over.
474
00:19:15,556 --> 00:19:19,402
Stan, I want to thank you again
for saving the show.
475
00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:22,471
You got it.
Anything for the almighty laugh.
476
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,873
And you know what
the weird part is?
477
00:19:23,897 --> 00:19:25,542
It felt just like being
on a mission.
478
00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:27,410
I'm normally a C.I.A. agent.
479
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,879
Haha! That's funny.
480
00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:31,948
You're funny.
481
00:19:31,972 --> 00:19:33,683
You hear that, Francine?
482
00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:35,752
Lorne Mykies said I was funny.
483
00:19:35,776 --> 00:19:38,287
How's the view from the top
of the mountain?
484
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,556
Majestic.
485
00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:41,358
But you know, the most fun I had
486
00:19:41,382 --> 00:19:43,226
out there
was disarming that bomb
487
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,094
and beating that man to a pulp.
488
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:48,097
Maybe it's time to go back home
and work at the C.I.A. again.
489
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:50,433
That sounds wonderful, Stan.
490
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:51,768
Now let's get home.
491
00:19:51,792 --> 00:19:54,693
Feels like I haven't seen
Toshi and the gang in forever.
492
00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:00,510
Wh-What happened?
493
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:02,111
Why are we in the hospital?
494
00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:03,380
No one knows.
495
00:20:03,404 --> 00:20:05,048
Doctors aren't ruling out
poison, though.
496
00:20:05,072 --> 00:20:07,384
And the tests all say
that's definitely what it was.
497
00:20:07,408 --> 00:20:08,986
Which is probably why...
498
00:20:09,010 --> 00:20:12,911
the boys in blue
have been contacted.
499
00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:15,124
So I gotta mosey.
500
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,193
The important thing?
501
00:20:16,217 --> 00:20:17,794
Remember to live a little,
right?
502
00:20:17,818 --> 00:20:19,785
Can't thumb your nose at life.
503
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,134
Rope was too long!
504
00:20:25,158 --> 00:20:27,204
And not tied to anything?!
505
00:20:27,228 --> 00:20:29,061
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
506
00:20:29,085 --> 00:20:31,085
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