All language subtitles for The.Outside.Story.1080p.WEBRip.x264-[YTS.MX]-English

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Do you think I'm going
to come running every time

he snaps his fingers like that
little toy soldier of yours?

Yes, it does seem
strange, that's sure.

But it's nice and solemn.

Well, I don't know
about you, pal,

but I'd like to see Venus.

Open number three
and hit the beat.

I'm gonna shoot
some game. The larder's...

Beatrice,
are you divine?

Oui, monsieur.

I'll just bet.

And as for them?

You'll have to track them down
for me, won't you?

He sold wine too.
Bad wine.

And the golden horses...

So, that's it?

You're just gonna lie there?

What should I be doing?

I don't know, Charles.
If it's really over,

you should just
get back out there.

What are you talking about?
I am getting back out there.

You guys were so cute together.
Can't there be some hope?

No, because we're not
doing hope today.

All we're doing is packing
her heavy-ass boxes,

her heavy-ass law books,

and her vinyl,

and so many clothes!

That's sad.

Thanks.

You're not gonna tell me
what went down?

It's too long a story.

But I am moving her car
for her to prove

I'm not such a monster
and... Hey-o!

Oh, way too good to be true.

Hmm, could be laundry day.

So, you still just freelancing?

Or what's up with
your documentary?

Nothing.

God. Can you hear that?

My upstairs neighbors
are fighting again.

What's their deal?

I don't know.
I mean, I think they got a kid?

You don't know if your
upstairs neighbors have a kid?

Come on, dude,
I think that's probably a sign

you need to get out
of your apartment,

you know, for once.

Yeah, no.

I think I'm gonna stay inside and
feel sorry for myself all day.

Plus, I have a deadline

and I'm waiting on UPS.

And, and...

I ordered food.

So, no.

So many excuses. You need to
stop being such a shut-in.

Yeah, whatever.

What was that?

I guess it's an emergency
at the hospital.

I should probably go.

You should, too.

Seriously,
go get some air, dude.

Okay, duty calls.

Oh, yup. Me, too.

- Uh, I'll call you back.
- Bye, Charl...

Yeah.

No.

- Hey!
- Hey. Here you go.

Number eight, extra guac,
horchata, 15 bucks.

Fif... It went up?

Yeah, man. Avocados.
Yeah, blame the cartels.

Oh, cartels. Okay.

It's all I got, man.

What about the lady
who lives here?

We broke up.

That's too bad.
She used to tip.

I tip. I just... My heart's
broken right now, man.

And I must've spaced
when I was getting cash.

So, I'll make it up to you
next time.

Well, what if it's not me next time?
What if it's the other guy?

I'll tell him to hook you up.

He's gonna keep it, okay?
He's a dick.

Excuse me. Please.

- Oh, sorry. Yes. Sorry.
- Thank you.

Hey, look, I'm good for it, man.
And I'm...

Yeah.

- I'll make it up to you, I...
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I'm... Seriously!
- I don't make a living wage.

- How do you afford to live here, sir?
- Wait. Just... Damn it.

Hey, uh...

It's Andre.
Stiffing your delivery guy?

Not intentionally. Just the tip.

- Mm-hmm.
- Good one.

My girlfriend and I,
we broke up.

- So I, you know...
- Isha left you?

She did, but it was more mutual.
I asked her to leave,

- so, you know.
- Oh. Shame.

She always signed for my
packages and she seemed so fun.

Yeah, I get it.
She was amazing.

Yeah, she was.

And she was very cute
and, uh... Oh, well.

I gotta get
these oysters on ice.

Oh, uh, hey, Andre?

What is your favorite
Gardner St. James movie?

Oh, the funny one with the, uh...

- You Lousy Bandits.
- Yeah, that's it.

- Why? Is he, uh...
- No, no. Not yet.

- But that's a good one, though.
- Mmm.

You Lousy Bandits.

Hey! Hey, man!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, man, look, hey!
I got a tip!

Hey, come on. Dude!

I got a tip! Ha!

Boom.

- All right.
- Okay.

Actually, can I get
a dollar back?

It's 25% tip, man,
for a delivery!

Come on.

- Enjoy your dollar.
- Thank you. I will.

Appreciate it.

Yeah. Okay.

Just right upstairs.

Uh-huh.

He says you have
a beautiful city.

It's lovely.
It's our first time!

Oh, okay.

Ciao.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No, come on, man!

Come on.

Yeah, no. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Fine.

Hey, hey. You got Neil.

Hey, Neil, uh,

it's Charles, um...

I kinda did a stupid thing.

I... locked myself
out of my apartment.

So, if you happen to have a set
of spare keys that I...

hope, I hope I gave you,

can you please call me back
and let me know?

Because I am locked out
of my apartment.

I repeat, I'm locked out
of my apartment.

Man down, call me back.
Thank you.

Ugh, God, the video.

"Almost."

Smiley face?

Hey, leave a message for Tony.

And if you're calling
for GoGo-Goji-Energy Juice,

that is, uh, no longer a thing.

Hey, Mr. Caravaggio.

This is Charles.

Hey, I'm in Apartment 2.

Look, I'm sorry to bother you,
but, uh...

I locked myself out
of my apartment by mistake.

Um, and I'm just wondering
if you were in the neighborhood,

if you could come by
and let me in?

This is Charles.

Yeah, I locked myself out.

Sucks.

Thank you.

- Yes?
- Andre. Hey, uh, it's Charles.

- From two floors down?
- Who?

Your fellow building inhabitant,
Charles?

Isha's ex?

Look, I locked myself out.

I was wondering if I could
come up to your apartment

and, um, climb out
on your fire escape

and go down to see
if my window is open?

Right now?

Yeah. I, uh, really need
to get back in.

All right.

Thank... thank you.

Perfect.

What now?

Yeah, I have to be buzzed in,
so if that...

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Andre.

I'm sorry to bother you.

And I hope that I'm not
interrupting...

anything.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Charles, this is Soren
and Sylvia Thoren from Oslo.

Sor, Syl, this is Charles
from, uh, downstairs.

Hi. I'm Sylvia's...
I'm... I'm Charles.

I am Charles...
I'm Charles.

- Yes, we're in a relationship.
- Wow.

Like swingers?

If you wanna phrase it
inelegantly, sure.

I'm sorry. That's right.
That is my bad.

And you're locked out,
Mr. Charles?

Yeah, I grabbed the wrong keys.

I grabbed my girlfriend's
car keys, so...

- And where is she?
- Uh, we broke up.

Um, so I'm just
moving her car until...

- Hmm.
- Um... I don't know what...

Would you like to have
some wine with us?

And oyster?
They're Beau Soleil.

- Oh, if you...
- No, no, no, no, no.

Charles is eager
to get back inside.

- I'll show you the fire escape.
- Okay.

Beautiful.
This is... Okay.

Uh... I gotta go.
It was nice to meet you.

Oh, what is...?
Oh, yeah. Okay.

It's a swing!

- Yeah. Whee!
- A real net.

Okay, bye.

Okay.

Wow. This is, uh...

- This is high up.
- Yes, it is.

Bye.

Okay.

Okay.

I hate my life.

This is...

This is my life now.

Sturdy, sturdy,
sturdy fire escape.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Okay. I just wanna be inside.

Okay. That's not weird,

looking at a child through
a window in the fire escape.

Oh, oh, great.

You can replace glass.

Okay.

This is what it's come to.

Hey, you!

You on the fire escape!

What are you doing?

I locked...

I locked myself out
of my apartment.

This is my apartment.

You locked yourself out
on the fire escape?

Yeah... No,
uh, just the door.

- This door?
- Yeah, well, yeah.

That one and my apartment.

See, I ordered food
from Burrito Town.

He wanted a tip because he's,
"I don't get a tip."

Ran up, then ran right out,
gave him the tip, came back,

left my keys, locked out.

- So, I went up to my neighbor.
- Wow.

Used fire escape, and come down to see
if my window was open and it wasn't.

So, I'm out on the fire escape.

Okay. I'm gonna need
to see some ID.

My license is in my apartment.

All right. I need you
to come down here.

Okay. Hold on.

I'll be right down.

Come down here.

Yeah, but I have to go up
to come down. So, you know,

I'll just...
I'll be right there.

So sorry.

See, this, this is my neighbor.

Does your neighbor have ID?

Do you know this man?

Well, I wouldn't say I know him.
His name is Charles.

He lives below me
on the 2nd floor and...

Hey, that is my car.
Oh, for the love...

Come on.
What time is it?

It's not even 11:35.

Sign says "11:30."

Oh, my God.
Are we done here?

Mm-hmm.

Stay off the fire escapes.
Got it?

Yes. Yes, ma'am.
Sorry.

"Ma'am"?
I'm younger than you, sir.

- Sorry about that, too.
- No, no. Wait, wait, wait, don't do it.

Wait, I'm moving. I'm moving it right now.
I'm moving it right now.

- This is yours? Oh, this is yours?
- Yes, this is mine.

Okay. Then you'll be receiving
the parking ticket.

No. Why don't you just
not do that

and then we can
just all have a good day?

Are you telling me
not to do my job?

Don't tell me
not to do my job.

- Your job is to move it before the...
- You're a fascist.

Oh.

Hey, Charles, what's up with
your AI documentary?

I feel like you've been working
on it for, like, forever.

Yeah, five years, actually.

Tried to shut it down but...
Hey, I need a refill.

You guys good?
I'll be right back.

Sorry.

- That's a nice shirt.
- Thank you.

The open bar
is over after 11:00.

So, we got to jet if we wanna
make it there.

Yeah, well, I'm tired of
party-hopping and I'm tired of lists.

Isha, I already called the Lyft.

Okay. Well, why don't you go?

Go without me. I'm tired.

I'm so over this.

- Over what?
- All of this.

Me, too.

I just wanna, like, do nothing.

I need to recharge.

You know, I was thinking of the exact
same thing before you walked over here.

What's stopping you?

Hmm. Maybe I need
a collaborator.

- Collaborator?
- Mm-hmm.

Just wait a sec.

Hmm. Oh, wait one sec.

Looks like it's me.

Holy... You found it.

Wait, do you mind?

One second. Just one second.
Okay.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Neil!

Yes!

Oh, my God, man.
Thank you for coming.

Of course. Of course.
Hey, buddy.

I got a deadline.

- What's...
- Maya and I got a cat.

Oh, that's cool, I'm allergic,
man. You got my keys?

Well, I'm pretty sure

I put them in my key drawer,

but I don't know which they are.

Why do you have so many keys?

It does seem like a lot.

Is that a...

Thanks a lot, Andre.

My friend, he has my extra keys,
I hope.

Hmm.

Oh, wait.

This is for the bathroom
at the office.

Try... this one.

- Gesundheit.
- Thank you.

Can you, uh, back him up?

Oh, come on, Cosmo.

Off you go, baby boy.

Oh, wait, that's my ex's,
I think.

Boy, she'd be pissed.

This is so annoying, man.

My keys are right there,
right there.

So, you and Isha
are "done" done?

She cheated on me.

Don't tell anybody.

Oh, no, really?

Well, screw her then.

You ever been...

cheated on?

Probably.

How'd you find out?

She told me.

Yeah, she even apologized.

I don't know.
Is that cool of her?

It seems cool.

- It is what it is, I guess. I...
- My mailbox key!

I've been looking for this.

Sorry. You were saying?

Nothing. Nothing.

Just, yeah, she apologized.

But it doesn't change
that she did it, though.

Know who with?

Some asshole.

I mean...

I just wanna... Fuck!

- You wanna what?
- My car... Her car.

Hey, wait, wait, I'm here.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

Wait, wait.
Come on, you just started.

When I start typing, it's over.

I should ding you for driving
without shoes on, too.

Oh, come...
Give me a break.

And without a license
on your person.

But my license is right there.

Right there in my apartment.
You see that?

That's my apartment.
I live here.

You're not even a real...
What's your...

"Z. Slater"?
What's the "Z" for?

Officer Slater.

Oh, okay. Officer Slater.

Shouldn't you be out arresting
real criminals or something?

- City drivers are real criminals.
- Says who?

- Says me.
- Who are you?

Someone who knows.

I'll see you in hell,
Jessica!

Now move your car,
or I'll ticket it again in ten.

Wait. Nuh-uh.

- What?
- What did I just say?

My...

- 71531. That's your number?
- Take a look.

I won't forget that,
Officer Slaters.

- "Slater".
- Whatever.

She's a big policeman.

I'm going into my apartment,
officer.

Sure.

Yes?

It... it's me again.
Can you buzz me?

Yeah.

Okay. I just have one more...

- Nope.
- Damn it.

What am I gonna do
with all these keys?

It feels weird to throw out
keys, even dead ones.

Yeah.

Hey, could you, uh...

Could you move Isha's car
to a good spot?

You and Isha broke up
but you're still moving her car?

If you could just...

- Okay. Okay.
- Thank you.

Watch Cosmo.

Yep.

I'll be back.

Nope. Why did I just do that?

Allergic to cats.

Sucks.

Cool. Kill me.

- God bless you.
- Thank you.

I locked myself out.

Without your shoes?

Yeah.

What size are you?

Thirteen.

Oh, too bad.

My husband's a size 10.

I'm Sara, by the way.

Charles.

Excuse me.

Thank God, it's my landlord.

Uh, hi, Mr. Caravaggio.
How are you?

Can't talk, I'm driving.
What's up?

- I locked myself out.
- Oh, for God's sake,

you couldn't have picked
the worst day.

I'm taking my mother-in-law to
the eye doctor. She got cataracts.

Pick a fucking lane, shit bag!

Jesus.

Sorry, Carl. You were saying?

No problem. It's Charles.

Um, I don't mean to bother you,

it's just I kind of have
a work thing that I have.

I'll come ASAP.

Just promise me
you won't go to a locksmith.

You know they make copies of
your keys and steal your shit.

- You know that, right?
- So, how long are we thinking, time-wise?

As soon as I can come.
Eat my dick, you motherfucker!

Bless you.

Took... your sweet... time.

Yeah, but the spot I got
is fire.

Good till Tuesday.

Wow, you really are allergic.

Well...

these worms ain't
gonna irradiate themselves.

Oh, my dude. Ugh.

All right, then.

- Adios, amigo.
- Yeah.

- Uh...
- Oh...

Nice.

- You make Charles sad. Let's go home.
- Agreed.

Come on.

Hi, Charlie.

- I'm locked out.
- You're what?

I fucking locked myself out

of my apartment with no shoes.

- But I got WiFi.
- Poor Charles.

Well, it looks like a beautiful day.

God, I miss fall in New York.

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, aren't you curious
about this little boo-boo?

Yeah, um, what's up with that?

Well, the power went out
in the nursery

so all the OBs
are watching the little ones.

Whoa. Crazy.

You know, we could talk about that
later because my battery is low

and I'm gonna see how far
I can stretch this dollar.

Copy that.
Say goodbye to Charlie.

Okay.

Wait. Wait.

You talk about
with the outside world,

and not liking it but how did...
I mean, how would you even know?

We never go out.

We never go out because I like
being at home with you.

Look, I like being at home
with you, too.

So, then what's the problem?

I mean, I thought you said that you were
completely okay not going out anymore?

Okay. Amanda's having a party
on Saturday.

Why don't we go?

That's just not my thing, babe.

I mean... What? I mean, don't
you hate going to those parties

and people are, like,
"What are you working on?"

Really it's just an excuse for them
to talk about what they're working on,

and then drop some name.

Maybe they actually wanna know
what you're working on, though.

Yeah, I doubt that.

Let's just mix it up.

Hey, guys, come on.
I'm really thirsty.

Kid, could you...

So thirty, guys.
Thank you. Okay.

Yep.

Oh, yeah!
You still thirsty, old man?

You little shits.

Where are your parents?
Where are your parents?!

Hey, come back! Hey!

- Ah!
- Hey, got you.

Oh, shit! Charles.

How are you?

I...

How could you?

I don't know.

It wasn't about you.

Then who was it about?

Me, her.

Can we discuss this
another time?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Is now inconvenient for you?

I thought we were friends.

- You did?
- Well, not like friends,

like not...
but you know... You suck!

Can you keep it down?

- Oh? She sucks!
- Oh, that's not nice.

This woman sucks!

Tweet that.

Ow! Please let go of my finger.

I'll let go when you stop
pointing it at my girl.

- Your girl?
- Mm-hmm.

Grace?

You know this clown?

Where are your shoes, man?

I don't know him,
but, please, don't.

- Please don't what?
- Grace cheated on me.

It's not Grace.

My girlfriend, Isha,
cheated on me with Grace.

Isha? Your yoga friend?

I'm sorry.

I asked you if you had
feelings for her

and you said no, remember?

- They were always so flirty.
- I thought the same thing.

I am so, so sorry.

It's not what you think.

- I cheated, too.
- What?

With who?

With... Daryl's intern,
Augustine, from work.

Augustine?!
With the soul-patch?

I know.

Izzy...

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

Give me a break.

And I don't blame you.
Isha is a beautiful woman.

No offense.

Are you kidding me with this?

- People make mistakes.
- No. No way.

Hell no. No.
Grace should be mad at you.

You should be mad at Grace,

because she ruined
my relationship.

Maybe you should consider
some forgiveness.

Charles, it was one time.

I know Isha feels bad about it.

- She does?
- Your phone's dinging, man.

- No!
- Carl, it's Mr. Caravaggio.

I'm in front of the building.

I decided to come to you first
but you're not here.

I got the keys,
but I just can't leave them

and my mother-in-law's
freaking out... Shut up!

- Excuse me, excuse me.
- Listen, I'll be back later.

Just remember, no locksmiths.
They steal your shit.

You gotta signal, asshole!

God!

Hard running here
for no fucking reason.

Oh, my God!

- Hey, baby.
- Oh!

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean to scare you.
- It's okay.

I'm sorry.

- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good.

- Yeah. It's good.
- Yeah?

Hey, uh, you hungry?

Thinking about
ordering some burritos.

No, I'm not in a burrito mood.

I gotta prep for my hearing.

Oh, yeah, fish tacos then.

I'm not hungry.

Okay. So then grits then
with that insane hot sauce.

I don't wanna order takeout.

You're being really considerate.

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Because you're standing there with
this really kind of insane smile

- on your face like...
- Can't help it. I'm nervous.

Nervous? Why?

Ish.

I made out with somebody...

and I'm really sorry.

Who was it?

Grace.

We were having wine at her place

and I was super stressed
about my client

who might be getting
her kids removed

because of that
bullshit drug raid,

and I must have been dehydrated
or something

because I got drunk really,
really quick.

What, you just kissed?

Yeah.

I mean, mostly.

Mostly?

- Mostly?
- What?

It's just... Oh, I don't...

I just... It's...

- Oh, fuck. I just...
- Oh!

Hey, it was a mistake.

Listen to me.

It really doesn't mean anything.

Really doesn't mean anything.

Of course it does.

Oh,
I fucking hate chalk.

Fuck me!

Oh, my God.
I gotta sit down.

Ahh.

What's your ordeal?

Yeah, you.

Oh, I'm locked out.

I live here.
I locked myself out.

Oh, that's dumb.

Sorry. I'm just
having a bad day.

Oh, my God, my back.

Ah.

When is your baby due?

Two days ago.

Is that okay?

Well...

You just move in?

I've lived here for three years.

Weird.
I've never seen you before.

I'm Paige.

That's my stoop sale.

Ah.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

If she doesn't come by Thursday,

I'm having a C-section
on Friday, so...

Is that why you're having
a bad day?

No.

C-section's cool.

I mean, it's not cool,
but, you know, it's just...

party's over, man.

No more sleeping in.

No more eating crap.

Can't do mushrooms.

On top of all that,
I gotta make room.

Hence the stoop sale.

That's what the chalk's for?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, you wouldn't wanna do a very
pregnant lady a solid, would you?

If I get down there, I don't
think I'm getting back up again.

What do you want me to do?

Oh, stoop sale.

There's keys in the garbage.

Yeah, um... that was me.

Sorry.

Were you on
the fire escape before?

Yeah.

I got locked out.

I'm Charles.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I live here, too,
in Apartment 2.

You're in Apartment 3, right?

Yes.

Excellent.

Okay. So, I buzzed Apartment 4
with Andre in it

and I wanted to see
if I could use his fire escape

so I could go down to my fire
escape and open my window

and, yeah, that's why
I was on the fire escape.

I'm gonna get some juice.

- Charles, you got a minute?
- Yeah.

I know you said you were 13,

but I was tossing some of
Vinnie's shoes

and I thought that maybe
some were a little roomy.

Ooh, loafers.

- Well, magic.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank your husband anyway.

You want me to get rid of those
pesky big toes for you?

Is it someone with keys?

No, it's,
um... it's my Tinder.

- Your what?
- Online dating?

On the internet?

I don't do that.

It's just a way for people
to connect.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.

Can you turn up the radio,
if you don't mind?

- Sure.
- ...as legendary actor Gardner St. James's

condition continues to worsen.

Perhaps most well known for
playing opposite Xavier Clifton

in the award-winning mellow
drama, I Am Mercury.

I have that one DVD of his,

- the sad one with the girl and...
- The Grocer's Daughter?

Oh, my, you're good.

No, no, no, no, no!
My battery's dead.

You wanna use my portable?

A landline?

I don't know my boss's number.

I don't know anybody's number.

Oh, hey! Hey, Apartment 3!

Um... sorry, do you have a...

My phone is dead, do you have
a charger that I could use?

I'm not supposed to let
strangers in.

You know, that's smart,
that's smart,

that's smart, but, see,
I'm not a stranger

because I live below you,

and we met in that very spot
a few minutes ago. So...

You have to be
really quiet, okay?

- Thank you for doing this.
- Shh.

Oh, fucking damn it.

Is that your mom?

Oh, do you play?

Shh.

Who are you
whispering to?

Um... excuse me, who are you?

I'm Charles, um,
I live in Apartment 2.

I asked Elena
if I could use her charger.

I hope that's okay.

Why can't you charge your device
in your own apartment?

- He's locked out.
- I'm locked out.

Will you dispose of this,
please?

I, um...

I recognize you
from the stairwell.

But Elena should not
have invited you in

- without my permission.
- I... I know.

I'm sorry.
That's my fault, I just...

Only thing I was thinking about
was charging my phone.

My daughter wasn't
thinking at all.

Were you, lovely?

Uh... is that... is that you?

Mmm. That was
a very famous show.

Um... I got a rave in the Voice.

They said that I was
the most memorable nun.

- Most memorable nun?
- So...

Wow. That's... something.

Oh, well Elena
is a real star here.

Hey, why don't you, um,
play something for, uh...

- Charles.
- Charles, I'm sorry, yes.

Mama, I'd rather not.

She has
a recital on Sunday

and she needs all the practice
that she can get.

Please, Mama, I don't want to.

But you have an audience.
You mustn't disappoint them.

- Oh, no, if she doesn't want to, she...
- Sit.

- Please.
- Okay.

You are embarrassing me.

- I can go.
- ♪ You know, honey ♪

♪ Just sit your ass down ♪

♪ And play us a tune ♪

No!

- Stop it, Mama, please.
- All right then, get out.

- Fine.
- Get out of my house!

Both of you!
Get out of my house!

- Oh, okay.
- Out!

- Jesus Christ.
- Get out of here!

I don't get the
respect that I deserve. How dare you!

You okay?

Am I... Am I...
Are you okay?

Sorry this didn't charge more.

No, no, I'm sorry.

Why are you sorry?

I mean, because you...

- Did I do something?
- No.

I really need to charge this.

I do have another charger.

Thank you.

Huh.

Nice set-up.

I know.

So, what do you up here?

Just hangout?

I mostly... watch people.

Wanna see?

Hey, hey, be careful.

It's not scary. You'd totally
survive if you fell.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I swear I'm coming.

Oh, yeah.

This is crazy.

Wow, wow, wow.

There's this kid
I know at school

who spits on people
from his terrace,

but he's on the 16th floor,

so they just think
it's air conditioning.

- Gross.
- Yeah.

Hey, those kids,

they threw water balloons
at me before.

Oh, I know those kids.

They stole my Halloween candy
last year.

That's just wrong.

We could spit on them.

Or...

Oh, yeah.

- They still there?
- Yep, I could see them.

Hey, you two,
what's going on here?

Okay. One...

two, three.

Oh, wait.
They're talking to somebody.

- What?
- Yeah.

What the fuck?!

- That was bad.
- Are you kidding me?

Yep. That was bad.

Oh, God!

- It's UPS.
- My package!

I got to get down there.

The police is still there.

You parked legally?

There is another way.

You can take the roofs
to 6th Avenue,

and the third building in,
the one with the old roof deck,

there's a fire escape
you can climb down.

It'll let you out onto the street
where you can go catch the truck.

Goddamn it. Shit.

Wait! Wait!

Hey, you got my package!

You have my package, man!

You have my package.

Hey! Hey!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Please, please, please, please.
Can you stop?

You got my package.

...clothes you have not worn
in years. Like, 20 years.

You still have some
from high school.

High school?
We... 'cause I still fit...

Yeah. Well, I don't fit
anything right now.

Thank you.

Hi there.

Everything okay?

Someone hit me
with a water balloon.

Someone on this roof!

Get out.
On this roof?

Yeah. And they are getting a fat
ticket when they come down here.

Maybe it was an accident.

Yeah, right. At least,
it was just water this time.

You know, these city drivers,
they think I'm out to get them.

Aren't you?

Okay. Maybe I am.

But still...

it sucks to be hated.

Oh, come on.

I'm pretty certain
it was an accident.

In fact, I know it was.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

It was not meant for you.
It was not meant for you.

Okay. Come on!

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Okay.
Look. See, these... these kids,

they hit me with
a balloon earlier,

and... and then I was on the roof,

and I took one of the balloons,
and I thought it was...

It was not meant for you,
I swear.

Shit.

I already gave you
a good ticket today

and those kids suck.

Right.

So, we'll call it even.

Really?

Thank you.

Thank you. Hey.
Hey, wait a minute.

Hold on.

Why don't you, uh, try this.

- Nice kicks.
- Yeah. Retail therapy.

Just went through
a big breakup, so...

What do you do?

I'm an editor for TCM.

The old movies channel?

Like you make movies?

Well, I used to make
documentaries,

but, no, now I cut
in-memoriam videos

of old or at-risk celebrities
so they're ready to be aired,

you know, whenever shit happens.

You make eulogies for people

who aren't dead yet?

That's dark.

My ex said the same thing.

Who's the youngest you've got?

Uh... Corey Feldman?

No. No, uh, Lindsay Lohan.

I mean, there's no perfect
science to it, you know?

I mean, nobody saw Bourdain
coming or... Prince.

- Oh. Prince.
- Right?

That wrecked me.

Hey, isn't there an actor
right now who's dying?

What's his name? The guy
who did the one with the wife.

- Forty Nights Till the Future.
- Yes.

- What's his name?
- Gardner St. James.

Yeah. I was about
to send his in,

but I had to add
this one more scene,

and then it got stuck
in my house,

and my boss is gonna kill me.

Hang on.

See?

Yikes.

Why didn't you just send it in?

Because I couldn't.

I mean... Okay.

There's this one scene

from this movie he did
called God's Firebird,

and it was filmed in Argentina,

and not a lot of people
know about it,

but it had to be in there.

You're an obsessive.

I'm like that with food.

Like I need Esposito's today.

What's Esposito's?

Yo, John, I'm gonna need
two Italian combos,

sweet peppers, not hot,

a quarter pound of stuffed
olives with Gorgonzola

and move your van by the hydrant

before I ding you
with another violation.

Lorenzo, move the freaking van
to a meter.

Come back for
the fennel sausage.

Mwah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

This is really good.

Mmm.

What other best foods have you
not had since you've lived here?

Oh, I'm so full.
Thank you.

You're missing out
on these things.

It was too sad.

Oh, yeah, no.

I'm gonna pay you back
as soon as I get back inside.

I buy you a sandwich,
you buy me a sandwich.

It all evens out.

Yeah. Totally.

Maybe I could buy you a sandwich
sometime this week?

Or maybe a drink?

You mean a date?

Yeah.

No. Thanks. No.

- What? What did I say?
- Didn't you just break up?

- Yeah. Well...
- Uh-hmm.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. No, thanks.

- This is so lame.
- Wait. I didn't mean to overstep.

I just thought of it and, uh...

Guys always
got to take it there.

God forbid you make
a female friend, right?

Hey, I have a female friend
in Guatemala.

Oh, my mistake.

Got to get back to it.

Oh. Wait. Will you wait?

Wait. Will you hold on?

Oh.

- Hey.
- You back in your place?

No, and it's stressing me out.

No one's got keys for you?

No. And Gardner St. James
is dying.

- And I just met a girl.
- You did? Who?

A cop. And she is pissed at me.

A cop?
Oh, please don't ask cops out.

I don't know. I just...
I ju...

Oh, excuse me.

Okay. Wait.
What about Gardner St. James?

Oh, God.
I got to call you back.

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh.

Please, please, please, please.

- We did not throw water balloons at you.
- Andre, it's me. It's Charles.

Look, I need to use the bathroom
and I'm still locked out.

Please, you got to let me up.

As a good neighbor, Andre,
please.

- No. Sorry. Stop. What...
- Charles, I buzz you in.

Thank you.

Okay. Okay.

Open the door.
Andre, open the door.

- Hello, Mr. Charles.
- Hey, where's the bathroom, please?

- It's right there.
- Oh, my God. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

I owe you one. I swear.

Ohh...

Made it.

Hi, um...

I owe you my life.

He says he can relate.

Last year, at the Reindeer Festival...
Oh, not good.

Well, if I happened to have
spoiled the mood,

I hope that it can be unspoiled.

Doubtful, but we'll try.

Okay. Time to go.

Hey, can I... can I...
Can I ask you guys a question?

- No.
- Yep.

How do you...
not get jealous?

He says "It is easy."

He does not
because life is short.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

He calls jealousy poison,

and it steals your life force.

But what are you really asking?

I... don't know.

Were you jealous of someone,
and did you push them away?

Yes, but it wasn't... you know,
I wasn't jealous for no reason.

I was jealous because
my girlfriend cheated on me.

With someone
who leaves the house?

Yeah. And I asked her to leave.

Did you catch her
with another man?

No. She told me.

And it was a woman. Hmm.

Many times they cheated?

Well, they heavily made out,
plus other stuff.

But, yeah, just once.

Look, okay, I know that
I'm a square and everything,

but, um, are Isha and I
actually "done" done?

- Like...
- Do you miss her?

- Sure.
- Then go get her, Romeo.

But, see, you know,
the problem is,

is that I... I...
Okay.

I take her back
in my mind and then I...

and then I picture her
with other people,

and I just... I just...
I freak out.

I just get so mad.

Why?

I don't know!

Maybe you need
another way to think,

like, why did she cheat on you?

Because she actually liked
this other woman?

He says it's... "It is not fun
to see a man upset."

What is your lover's name?

Isha.

Isha?

Sounds like maybe
not a bad person.

So, put yourself in her head

and relax.

I know.

I should relax.

Oh. You know what?
Thanks, guys.

I mean, yes,
I really appreciate it.

- Now, if you don't mind.
- Oh, yeah.

'Cause you've got to...

Don't be crass, Charles.

Bye, guys.

We're such good people.

Hey, this is Chad at TCM
on air promotion.

You know what to do.

Chad...

it's Charles.

And I'm locked out
of my apartment.

Also Isha and I broke up,
so we're gonna put a pin

in Gardner St. James.

Why do we have to air the video
the second that he dies anyway?

He's gonna be dead
for a while so what's the rush?

Isn't it better
that we do it right?

I mean, maybe it's bad karma

that we make these videos
before the actors die anyway.

Do you ever think about...

about that?

I'm sorry.

I am losing it.

I got to go.

Can you be really gentle
when you pull those out?

Like, don't dig through.
Just, like, pull them out one at a time.

Wow.

- You are busy.
- Yeah.

- Was it my chalk?
- No.

My husband's selling
our comic collection

'cause he's terrible.

- "Our"?
- Yeah. It's how we met.

He's a Marvel guy.
I'm a DC girl.

Oh. Wow. That... that's rough.

Yeah. I mean, kind of.

You know, Batman, Iron Man,

they really aren't that
different in the end.

Hey, I said no digging.

Dan, we're keeping this box.

Paige, here you go.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Thank you.

Now that is a beautiful pin.

I never wear jewelry
but this caught my eye,

and it was only two dollars.

That sounds like a steal.

Well, Charles, would you help me
with something in the house?

Yeah. Sure. I got a few minutes.

Okay. Please.

I see you got
some shoes finally.

Is your husband home?

No. He's dead.

Two months ago yesterday,
he passed away.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be.

He was a vegetable.

Excuse me for a moment.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Ms. Sara, uh, did you burn
all these movies?

No. Vinnie did.

He loved comedies,
and old movies,

and anything by Xavier Clifton.

I just started watching the early ones.

I love young Clifton.

Young Clifton, right?

This fucking thing.

Excuse my language.

My daughter got a new one
and she gave me this one,

and I can't figure it out.

Okay. Well, what do you
wanna do with it?

I want to date on the computer.

I'm sorry.

Uh... why?

I wanna fool around
while I still got it, Charles.

Okay, um...

You know what?
No, that's cool.

Let's see, uh...

Okay.

I can hook you up,
but I need a picture of you,

you know, for your profile.

- Can I change? Do you have time?
- I am waiting for keys,

but, um, let's do it real quick.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Wow.

This is...

This is nice!

Are we still in Brooklyn?

Thank you.

Oh, where should I go?

Uh, how about...

by...

that bush?

- Oh, this one.
- Yeah.

Why don't you
put your hands out

like, um, like you grew it.

I did.

There we go.
There it is right there.

Oh, lovely.

Take a look at these.

Oh, God.

I'm old.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yes, I am.

- Uh...
- What's wrong?

I forgot
I don't have my USB cable.

- Your what?
- You know, it's what you use to upload the photos

from your phone
to your computer.

I mean, I have one.

I'm just locked out.

Oh.

Hey, Elena!

Elena!

What?

Can I borrow your USB cable?

Okay.

Thank you very much.

We are in business now.

- What are you doing?
- Charles is helping me computer date.

Let's see here.

- Uh-huh.
- Grab this here.

You know, I don't mean
to rush this at all but, uh...

is this photo okay?

- Yes. Go ahead.
- Okay.

Looking good.

"Introduce yourself"?

Yeah. Who are you.
What are you looking for.

You know, just lay it out.

Okay. I'm a 75-year-old widow...

...born and raised in Brooklyn,

who is looking for...

a... a nice person

to spend some time together.

Should I be more forward?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's good.

It's better to be real
than forward on these.

- Okay.
- First question.

"Are you an early riser?"

- No.
- Me neither.

Next.

"Could you date someone
who is disorganized?"

I don't think so.

Vinnie used to put his dirty
socks in the dishwasher.

- Who's Vinnie?
- My husband.

Oh, don't worry. He's dead.

Yeah. So no messy people.

Uh, no.

"Is jealousy good for
a relationship?" Seriously?

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just...

You know, it doesn't matter.
What's your answer?

I say... "Yes."

You do?

I think it's good to have
a little fire burning.

What's eating you?

I just think that jealousy
makes everything hard.

I mean, it messed things up
with my girlfriend.

But this is your profile, so...

You have a girlfriend?

I don't know.

And last but not
least,

"Do you believe that everything
happens for a reason?"

Now that's the big question,
isn't it?

What do you think, sweetie?

How about you?

You know, I don't really know.

You really think
jealousy is okay?

I mean, it's not a sign of...

things not working?

I always liked
driving Vinnie nuts.

And when he made me nuts
I thought,

"This means I love him."

So, yes,

I think things happen
for a reason.

- Is it done?
- Pick three.

- Why is he wearing a mask?
- Yeah. Don't pick him.

Oh. Okay.

Him.

- Okay.
- Him.

- Okay.
- And Big Kevin too.

I like his glasses.

Now what?

Send a note to Big Kevin.

To say what?

How about, "Hi, I like your
glasses." Just say that.

- "Hi. I like your glasses."
- Okay.

- Boom.
- Oh, I need a better chair though.

Oh.

Yeah. Thank you.

Oh.

Hush.

Yes.

- Thank you.
- So...

tell us about your girlfriend.

- Ex.
- Ex-girlfriend.

What did she do?

Um, she's a lawyer

for parents who are

in trouble with the state and
in danger of losing their kids.

- She defends them.
- That's terrible.

Yeah.
It's pretty stressful.

Does this lawyer
have a name?

Isha.

Isha Ellis-Winters.

Ahh...

- Switch? Yeah.
- What?

Okay. So you just pull out...

- Yeah.
- ...desserts.

- Just saying.
- Out of nowhere?

Collaboration.

Mm-hmm.

Ohh...

What?
Where did you get this from?

Did you make this?

They said "Make the tart."
I made the tart.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
I made it.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow.

All right, dude.

I'm Isha.

All right.
Don't think this is crazy,

but I have a thing about handshakes.
Just follow me, okay?

Okay.

Charles.

Nice to meet you, Isha.

Nice the meet you too.

So, what are you
doing after this?

You know,
I was thinking about going home

and I eat
that other plum tart I made.

Oh, you don't think I brought
all my tarts to this party?

- You can't let them have all the goods.
- Uh-uh.

Well, that sounds really nice.

So what happened?

She kissed somebody else.

Oh, well, that's not
the end of the world.

Oh, it feels like it.

I mean, should I...
Should I not care?

Well, of course,
you should care.

Caring means
she means something to you.

I think she did it because
she doesn't love me anymore.

- Why wouldn't she love you?
- 'Cause I was stuck.

I wasn't always,
but then I just, uh...

I just stayed put.

Well, you went out today.

Yeah.

Can I play your piano?

Be my guest, sweetheart.

I can play my recital piece.

Oh. Well...

- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

- Sweetheart.
- Elena!

Oh, that's...
Oh, my God!

- Wow. Goodness.
- Maestro. Maestro. Wow.

Wow.

- What...
- What's wrong, sweetheart?

I love to play the piano but...

- my mom makes it really not fun.
- Oh.

Kid, you're very talented.

You know that, don't you?

Thank you.

Any time you want to play,

you just come over here

and you can play as long
as you want just for fun.

Oh, Ms. Sara,
can I see your radio?

After undergoing
an experimental treatment,

doctors report that legendary
actor Gardner St. James is expected

to make a full recovery from
his life-threatening condition.

Mr. St. James spoke to reporters
from the Mary Magdalene Hospital

about his upcoming film
Drag Me Back From Hell,

due in theaters next month,
saying...

Gardner St. James...

is gonna live!

You see? Everything's okay.

Oh, what now? What?

Oh, boy.

Uh, Ms. Sara, um...

What is it?

Big Kevin has written back,

and he says
he would love to know

- how you grow your magnolias so big.
- Hmm.

I still got it, baby.

Okay.

- She says...
- Don't say "She says."

- Uh-hmm. Yeah.
- This is her account. Right.

"I still got it, babe."

Mm-hmm.

Nice.

Real nice.

You know, I thought it's gonna rain
today, but it's gonna be a nice day.

So, what are you gonna do now?

What do you mean?

Is someone gonna
bring you your keys?

No. I think I live out here now.

Excuse me, sir.

Can I talk to you a minute?

- Me?
- Yeah.

You, uh...
been on any roofs today?

- Um, wait.
- Hey.

What's going on?
Is this the guy?

- Wait. What did I do?
- What did he do?

Well, a burglar's been breaking
into buildings through the roofs.

We got a call. Someone matching this
man's description was up there today.

- Do you know anything about that?
- Oh, no. I just... No way, man.

- I just got locked out.
- They said he was wearing a polka dot socks.

- All right. I'm gonna take a look at your feet now, sir.
- Okay.

See, let me explain, man.

- Would you look at that?
- I can't be the only one...

- You're under arrest.
- Oh, come on. Look, I swear. I just got locked out.

- I live right there.
- We know him.

- He lives here.
- He lives there. He's cheap.

- Twenty-five percent is not cheap.
- Let's go.

- Wait, wait! No!
- Call your mom.

Hey, wait, wait! Why don't you
get those kids right there, man?

They were throwing water balloons at me.
I resist. I'm resisting.

This is dumb, man.

Hey, I live right there
for three years, man.

- Oh, you...
- It's all right, folks. Relax.

- I'm a pillar of this community.
- Hey.

- What are you doing?
- This is ridiculous.

I need to talk to you two.

Stay right there.

What are you doing?
This is my friend.

He's... We got a call
that matched his description.

They IDed this guy
through his socks.

Socks? What are you doing?

- With all due respect this is...
- He's a bit of a dumbass.

- Understand this is your call.
- Let him go.

Leave him alone.

Sorry about the...
misunderstanding.

- Have a good day.
- Wait, wait, wait.

What did you say? I couldn't
hear you over the injustice.

Embarrassing me in front of
my neighborhood. That's great.

I got your badge number.

What did you tell them?

- That I live here?
- No.

I told them we were friends.

Yeah. You... you and I.

- Okay.
- Oh, God. I hate the police.

No offense.

There are people watching.

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

- I...
- Don't mention it.

Just...

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I came to give you
your keys back.

He's locked out.

This is Elena and this is
Slater... Officer Slater.

They're... they're my friends.

This is Isha, my...

- I know Elena.
- You do?

She lives above us... above you.

Nice to meet you.

Everything okay?

Just serving and protecting.

Hey, let me see
the ticket I gave you.

Huh? The ticket? Yeah.

It happened, uh... earlier.

Wait. I thought that once you start typing, that...

- It's over?
- Yeah.

Total myth.

But you do owe me a sandwich.

I won't forget.

No, you won't.
She...

- Can I come in?
- Yeah.

- Get my things?
- Yeah.

You brought movers?

Yeah.

I just want it to be quick.

Okay. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah.

Hey.

Thank you for, you know,

keeping me company today.

Sure.

Good luck.

You guys can start
taking out the boxes.

Those records need to go too.

Oh, um, here's your car keys.

- Thank you for moving it.
- Sure.

Um, I don't actually know where it is,
but I know that it's safe till Tuesday.

You know what?

Can you guys
just stop for a second?

I just wanted to say that, uh...

I forgive you.

Thank you.

No. No. I forgive you.

I'm not mad anymore,
so you don't have to go.

Uh, so, guys... Hey, hey, guys,
uh, we're good here.

- Thanks. I forgave her.
- Uh... okay.

Um...

I really appreciate that. I do.

But I... I don't think
I should stay.

Why not?

Because we're moving
at different speeds.

Yeah, but I just said I forgive
you so, you know... Okay, okay.

Can we just wait? Can we just
wait a second, please?

The lady said you're moving
at different speeds.

Man, I heard her, okay?
Isha, can you just...

Can you wait a second?
Just stop.

- You're just prolonging this.
- No.

- I got this. Thank you, brother.
- All right. Charles?

- Charles?
- Excuse me. Thank you.

I'm sorry.
You know, I was wrong.

And I had it in my head, I saw
this whole thing which was...

huger than what
I thought it was, and, um...

- Charles?
- ...it wasn't.

And, um, you know,
it was just a mistake, right?

- It was a mistake.
- You know, I see that now.

- I really do, and I just...
- Uh-huh.

- I just want you to...
- Charles, stop.

- Stop. It's too late.
- No.

Sorry. It can't be because...
Not after today. You just can't.

- No. Charles, what are you doing?
- I'm moving you back in.

No! I am already packed up.
Do not let him unpack me.

- Come on.
- Okay? No. Look. Look, you need to let go.

- No, I can't.
- No. Charles, you have to let go.

- No. Just give me a minute, Isha, please?
- No!

- Come on.
- Charles, are you serious?

- I'm gonna move you back in.
- Oh, Charles. No. This is ridiculous.

My side of the bed.
This is your dress.

- I bought you this dress.
- Charles, what the hell are you doing?!

This is your jewelry,
and it belongs in our bathroom.

- Can you...
- I'm gonna untangle these, you know?

Shit, man. You're making our job a real
pain in the ass here, you know that, right?

I'm really sorry
for your troubles.

Stop him!

Hey.

- Hey.
- Leave her plants alone.

- No!
- Have some dignity.

But that has to be watered, man.

- Just let me finish.
- Charles.

- Let me... Let me finish!
- Get him off. Get him off.

- You are losing it!
- Wait. Just let me... You can't leave.

No. Listen,
I know... I know I messed up,

and I know that you forgive me,
but I have to go.

Isha. I got it, man.

Look, just forgive...

Forgive me.

I was stuck.

I was holding you back.

I just wanna go with you.

Where do you wanna go?

Out.

I wanna go out with you.

I wanna make things again.
I want...

Aren't you gonna
answer your phone?

It's just my landlord.

See, it's...
It's Chad. Hold on.

Chad? Yeah?

Now... now is not a great, uh...

Yeah. I'm back in my apartment.

I just, uh...

You got to be kidding me.

Wait.
You're joking, right?

Well, when...

Has it been confirmed?

What happened?

Okay. Yeah, no.
I just, uh...

Yeah.

Okay. Stand by.

Who is it?

Xavier Clifton. He's dead.

Not the X man.

I loved all his movies.

He was so good in I Am Mercury.

I have to update his video
and I, uh...

have to send it in.

Can you stay?

Just for a little.

I can stay.

I am... Mercury!

I told you I'd never
let you go, Gwen.

Not today. Not tomorrow.

I told you I'd never
let you go, Gwen.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.
And definitely not tonight.

Are you still locked out?

No.

I got rescued.

I'm home.

How do you feel?

Better.

Oh!

Can't wait to hear about this.

Bye, dude.

Hey.

I just let the movers out.

They, uh, coming back?

Not today.

You hungry?

I am.

- Burrito-town?
- No.

I got a place.

- You got a spot?
- Mm-hmm.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull