All language subtitles for Veep.S06E07.HDTV.x264-SVA

"Selina Meyer didn't just
shatter the glass ceiling,"

she swept up every single shard

so that my daughter
and your daughters

"will never even know
it existed."

Aw! - Well, that just
tickles my twat!

Gosh, Montez is
actually gonna say that

at my portrait unveiling
in English?

Yeah, in front of 200 of
Washington's most important people.

- And Mike.
- See, Mike? That is good writing.

- Why can't you write like that?
- I'm the first to admit

I'm not the world's
greatest speech writer.

Ma'am, the White House wants
us to finalize your guest list

by the day after...
yesterday.

- So, today. That's a bit of a brain twister.
- It's a hot ticket.

What about
Congressman Jonah Ryan?

Richard, you have
such a good sense of humor.

- Amy, you should take a cue
from him, really. Ma'am?

- Yes. Oh!
- Greg Morehouse is here for our meeting.

- He's your editor.
- I know that.

Hey, Greg!

Can we get you some coffee
or some tea or...?

- Do you have some bai hao white tip?
- I do!

Oh, well, there you go.

So, what did you think
of the manuscript?

- It's rough, of course, but...
- I think it's really interesting.

- Oh, I'm so happy!
- The dad and the horse.

I know, right?
Well...

- There's just one little thing.
- Sure.

We do need a bit more
of the presidency in there.

I mean, the book ends with
you going off to college.

That's right, yes,
and the presidential stuff

will be in volume two...
"Meyer Ascendant."

- And three... "The Meyer Year."
- Yes.

I get that, and if you wanna
stick with this book as is,

I completely understand.

We're just gonna need
our advance back.

- There was an advance?
- Quiet, quiet.

And Moses led his people
to the land of...?

- Hanukkah.
- Canaan, Rabbi.

Shut up, Nikhil. This stupid
hat is too small for my head.

- Yarmulke.
- Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke.

It's okay, Jonah.
Conversion to Judaism

is about a commitment
to the Jewish lifestyle.

Oh, good, 'cause all this learning
is giving me a yarmulke ache.

Just to remind everybody
that next week,

we'll be rededicating
the sanctuary.

Sorry, I have to go to the White House.
President Meyer's unveiling.

- Okay.
- The final invitation list went out,

and you're not on it.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I'm sorry, I can say that now and
still get into heaven, right?

Actually, Jonah,
Jews don't believe in heaven.

Shut the fuck up, Nikhil!

Wait, Shawnee, how am I
gonna see my dog again?

Is there, like,
a Jew place for dogs?

All right, Mike, we got 30
days to write a new draft.

Get out that diary,
pick a day, and let's go.

- June 14th. Ooh, chock full.
- Oh, goody! Great. Go.

Briefing on infrastructure bill,

clutch with Wichita
notary group,

review on legislative conference
regarding pharmaceutical labeling.

We're fucked.

I don't even
remember any of that.

- Some things are so dull, you have to block them out.
- No kidding.

I mean, I'm sure that I played with
Catherine when she was a child...

- - ...but for the life of me,
I can't remember one second.

- Oh, and there she is.
- Hey!

Mom, we had a great wellness
check at the doctor's today.

- So, is it a boy, is it a girl?
- Oh, right.

It's a baby.

- No.
- Mm-mm.

We're not doing that.

No, Mom, we don't wanna know.

Catherine, you are not
going to be coy or twee

about the sex of my grandchild.

This is a human being
you're making,

not some Brooklyn-based,
artisanal chocolate bar.

Birth gender
isn't even that relevant.

She/he will decide her/his ideal
gender when she/he is/are ready.

Okay, is that how we're
talking now, Marjorie,

like some sort of
bi-curious Porky Pig?

I'm not doing that.

I had an aunt
who transitioned twice.

She was trapped inside a man, and then that
man was trapped inside of another woman.

- Oh, like a turducken.
- Mm-hmm.

Mom, it's not
that big of a deal.

We have baby names
picked out either way.

Yes, Leslie or Dana
if it's a boy and...

And for a girl we like Linus.

- Seriously?
- That feels like child abuse.

Yes.
Okay, I can't.

Can you just go away, Catherine?

That's fine.
We're late anyway.

Richard has doula class
and we're bringing the snacks.

- What?
- It'll be my first human birth, so.

- What is happening?
- What is happening?

- It just...
- Gender is simple!

- Right.
- You're a girl, I'm a boy.

Well. Hey, what about
some of that lezzy stuff?

You think that would
spice up the book?

Catherine's forbidden affair
with your Secret Service agent.

Yeah, but, I mean, does anybody really give
a shit about two average-looking lesbians?

- I don't mind them.
- Ugh.

I'll tell you one thing
people would flip out about.

Hmm?

A book about my sex life.

Seriously. I mean,
obviously, we can't do that.

- Yeah, you can't do that.
- Really? Why can't we?

- You can do that.
- I mean, that book would fly off the shelves.

- Fly. - People would pay whatever
it is a book costs, you know?

And everybody knows
that I dated Charlie Baird.

Aw, Charlie.

But there's somebody else
that I slept with.

Somebody that
I worked with closely.

All due respect, ma'am,
we all knew you were, uh...

...with Kent.
Kent?!

My snatch isn't a data port!

What are you talking about?

I slept with Tom James!

- Whoa!
- No!

In the white-hot
White House.

In the Oval
with your running mate?!

- On a couch.
- Ma'am, we have a best-seller!

I mean, it was
the Green Room, but.

- What? How do you know that?
- You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball.

- Oh, did I say that?
- I think so.

- Did I?
- Ma'am, we got gold. Gold!

Do you think I should
give him a call?

- That's a classy move.
- Yeah, I'll get his number.

Or I could go and I could
see him in person.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You want me to go with? I can take notes.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No. Mm-mm.

- It's the new
- "CBS This Morning."

Welcome to the new
"CBS This Morning."

- I'm Dan Egan.
- And I'm Brie Ramachandran.

Jane McCabe is on
special assignment.

We start our day
in the state of New Hampshire

where Hurricane Chloe has
taken a turn for the deadly.

So boring.

God, how can anybody
jerk off to her

with him sitting right there?

I'm sure you'll find
a way, Congressman.

The Ethics Committee
is debating ending its probe

into Representative Lawler's
Nantucket trip.

You will vote yes
despite the strong evidence

of cocaine use
and reckless boating.

- That guy knows how to party.
- Then Tuesday,

you have the White House meeting
on raising the debt ceiling.

Unless they try to kick it down
the road for a couple of months

and hope we get hit
by an asteroid.

Are you listening
to anything we're saying?

Yeah! Cocaine, boating,
asteroids, whatever!

Did you guys get invited
to this unveiling thing?

- Naturally.
- How come you guys got invited and I didn't?

Because we worked
for the president

and didn't cost her
the presidency.

And because we don't look
like Herman Munster's brother

who liked to molest
that pudgy werewolf kid.

Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne.
Season one, episode nine.

Kent, can I have
your plus-one?

No, I'm bringing
my jai alai instructor.

- Female.
- Ish.

- What about your plus-one?
- I work for you, I don't date you.

Maybe I'm gonna go
hire some women,

and I'm gonna make them date me.

And tomorrow, a sex
offender registry for dogs.

- It's about time.
- Mm-hmm.

Until then,
I'm Brie Ramachandran.

And I'm Dan Egan,
bringing you your morning

every morning of every day
for many mornings to come.

And we are clear.
Great show, people!

What'd you think
of that new sign-off?

You sound like a Scientologist.

- Really?
- Kind of.

Can I talk to you for a second...
actually, both of you, in here?

- Yeah.
- So, we got the results back

from the first testing
of the new host pairing.

- Oh, good!
- And something interesting jumps out from the data,

which is people say that you
two don't have any chemistry,

which is their words,
not mine, but also mine.

I've never not had
chemistry with a woman.

People like the energy
that you and Jane had.

It was this raw, sexual vibe
because you two were...

Jesus, we were not fucking!

Okay, going down on each other, whatever.
I don't wanna know!

- Oh, my God!
- The point is people find you two cold together.

- But I... I'm actually fucking her.
- Dan!

- Aren't you engaged to a Yankee?
- Yeah, I am.

- That's why I told you not to tell anybody.
- Aw, that's sweet.

Look, Dan, Brie, you two don't
have to make up this crazy story

- about you two fucking.
- We're not making this up, okay?

- We are fucking!
- Like, a lot.

Maybe you two should fuck differently, then.
I don't know.

That's where I draw
the line, man.

I don't take notes
on how I fuck.

I, however... I am
willing to do anything,

because I cannot lose this job,
not before my wedding!

Um, also...
just a little thing here...

people don't like you in yellow.

- Okay.
- See? Told you.

Jesus Christ, Tom.

- What is this?
- This is just temporary.

We're moving into
the big office next month.

- Oh, good, yeah.
- I was feeling cramped.

- My goodness, look at you. You keeping busy?
- I am.

Yeah, I made a deal
to write a book,

as a matter of fact.

Well, that's funny
because I did, too.

Yes, I wrote a blurb
for your upcoming tome.

- Of course you did.
- Sight unseen.

Yeah, what is...
the title is

- "Investing with a Conscience"?
- "Conscience," yes.

So, it's sci-fi?

- Just trying to keep
the lights on.

Well, the book that I'm writing,

I wanted to give you
a heads-up

'cause I was toying
with the notion of...

of perhaps mentioning our...

our little encounter.

Selina, there's...
I'm sorry to interrupt.

- No, that's all right.
- There's something I wanted to say.

You know, you did me the honor

of choosing me
as your running mate...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...and I repaid that honor with betrayal.

Yeah.

I guess my ego allowed me

to believe that
folksy, old Tom James

was above all that
beltway horseshit.

And in the end, I just turned out
to be another blue bottle fly

feeding on a heaping mouthful
of Seabiscuit's finest.

Wow!

I didn't come here
to ask for an apology,

- but I certainly appreciate getting one from you.
- You deserve it.

If it makes you feel any better,

if I was in your shoes, I probably would've
tried to steal the presidency, too.

Well, that's what made the two of
us such a beatable combination.

Yeah.

Selina, I beg you,
please don't do this.

- Oh.
- I have a new life, I have a new wife.

And we are expecting
our first child.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

She would be dialing
a divorce lawyer

if she ever thought that you
and I had swapped more than,

you know, appreciative memos.

- You understand that?
- I do.

Well, I guess

I will have to think
outside my box.

Right.

Oh, my God,
why did I have to fuck

the last remaining
gentleman in Washington?

- God!
- Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison?

It was James Madison.

- Okay, Mike, get up.
- So, how'd it go?

Well, he just begged me
not to put it in.

So, none of it goes in the book?

- No, it all goes in.
- Good.

With regards to
the debt ceiling,

I think we can all agree that
none of us wants to play politics

with the full faith and credit
of the United States.

I brought you here...

Hey, did you get invited
to the Meyer unveiling?

Everyone was
unless you're a mole person

who was cast out
of his underground society

for keistering sewer rats.

- I wasn't invited.
- I know.

- Roger.
- Madam President,

my extremist colleagues on
the other side of the aisle

have launched a full-fledged
and savage attack

against the poor and
disadvantaged of this country.

You are addicted to spending like
the proverbial drunken sailor.

Okay, that part's done.

I can give you a freeze
on the rate of increase

on AFDC and all the Head Start
cuts, but no dice on Medicare.

- I can live with that.
- All right, gentlemen,

let's get this passed tomorrow.

Uh, excuse me, Ms. Caruso,
due to some oversight,

I did not receive my invite
to the unveiling ceremony.

I suggest you ask someone
from President Meyer's team.

- Candi, are you all right?
- Of course she's all right.

Why are women always
checking in on one another

when I am talking to them?

Ma'am, I would
appreciate it very much

if I could have an invite
to the unveiling thing.

That is President Meyer's
invitation list.

It is her fiesta,
as you would say.

Well, it's your casa white-o,
as you would say.

- Madam President, are you all right?
- Oh, for God's sakes.

You haven't heard
the last of Jonah Ryan.

Okay, Jeffersons, sit down.

The Black Caucus gets this
room back in 20 minutes.

I do not wanna
piss those guys off.

Oh, we were talking
about the name,

and Cherry Tree Choppers
sounds a lot more legitimate.

No! We already
picked a name.

We're the Jeffersons, period.

- How about the Rough Riders?
- Oh, fuck, that's good!

No, we're already known
as the Jeffersons, okay?

And right now,
we need to do something,

something big that makes Montez
really pay attention to us.

- Mm-hmm.
- Something like ending Daylight Savings Time.

- Yes.
- Something like ending government waste.

- Yeah.
- Cutting aid to Israel!

Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that.
Are you crazy?

- Cutting aid to veterans.
- Great!

- They volunteered, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna do all these things,

and we're gonna get invited
to that unveiling.

- Who's with me? Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Wait, you weren't invited?

- No. Were you?
- Yeah.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Why do you keep saying
Tom James and I made love?

Are you
a 15-year-old girl?

- No.
- Richard!

- Yes, ma'am?
- I want you to get my editor on the phone, okay?

No, see, you gotta find a
different word than "screwed."

It's just hard to come up with
so many different ways to curse.

Please hold for President Meyer. I've
got Greg Morehouse for you, ma'am.

Greg? Hello!

Okay, so I have got
a White House book

that is hotter than Nancy
Reagan's guide to cocksucking.

I kid you not.

You are gonna be so pleased!

I... what?

Oh, right.

Richard, go and turn on
CBS right now.

I'll call you back.

- Hey, Tom James is on TV.
- He looks good.

That's the reason I've always said
that Selina Meyer's political acumen

is sharp as any
you'll find in Washington.

What's wrong with that?
My goodness.

Even so, I did not expect
to find myself on a couch

in the Green Room
at the White House, um...

Having sex with
President Selina Meyer.

- Right.
- Oh, my.

Tom James, who is telling us
about the explosive revelations

in his book
"Investing with a Conscience,"

excerpted in this month's
"Vanity Fair."

"Vanity Fair?" Mike, how did
we not know about this?

They called me
a couple months ago

and I thought they were trying to
get me to renew my prescription.

- Subscription! I had always
looked up to President Meyer

as something of a mentor.

She's a year older than me.

Okay, that is a fucking lie!

I mean, where's
the follow-up question?

- This is disinformation!
- Yeah!

Now, Senator, was President
Meyer the aggressor?

Your word, not mine.

- But again, yes.
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't rape him!

He wishes!

Ma'am, I think
he's talking about you!

- My guest has been
- Tom James.

The book is "Investing
with a Conscience."

I can't believe I said
that steaming turd of a book

was a refreshing take
on Wall Street

aimed at your conscience
and your funny bone.

- Hey, you used my blurb!
- Oh, quiet up, Mike.

Gary, call the White House

and tell them to cancel
that stupid portrait thing,

'cause I don't wanna go.

What are you talking about?
You have to go.

I just can't take this,
you know?

I've taken the rest of it.

I took the election loss,

I took Andrew's infidelity,

- Catherine's Catherine-ness, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

But this I cannot take.

Listen to me, Tom is a weak man.

It wasn't even that good,
I gotta tell you.

Oh, please give me
the permission

to tell that
to his face tomorrow.

- Please, I beg you.
- Oh, my God, right.

I forgot Tom is gonna be there.

This is like
Black History Month.

It never fucking ends!

Do you want me to 69 him?

- Oh, 86.
- Yeah.

No, because then
it just becomes this thing.

Okay, what about the speech? What
about the speech, all right?

President Montez is giving
that amazing speech about you.

And I asked them to use the
Jackie Kennedy crystal service.

- Really?
- Yep.

Nobody since Jackie

has given as much
for their country as you.

That is true.

If Jackie Kennedy
can go through the day

with her husband's philandering
brains all over her dress

and her head held high,
looking stunning,

even though they made her ride around in a
convertible like an animal, I might add,

you can go to
the White House tomorrow

and forget all about
those 15 minutes

where he couldn't even unzip
the back of your dress.

Wait a minute, what?
How do you know that?

It was in Mike's notes.

Oh, right.

Okay, fine, I'll go.

Okay? But I am not
gonna have a good time.

And if one person
mentions Tom James to me,

I'm gonna go piss
in that punch bowl.

- This country doesn't deserve you.
- I know it.

Voting closes in five minutes
and we're still missing votes.

Well, well, well, sorry, boys,

no votes today on legalizing tiny
Fleshlights for micro wangs.

Except for you, Gellardi.

I'd wager it takes
a whole roll of duct tape

to strap down
your hog of a cock.

For your information, we're
called the Jeffersons, probably,

and we're here to shove
some liberty up America's ass.

If you'll excuse me, Roger,
I'm gonna whip it out.

Madam Clerk,
Representative Gellardi

votes no on HR 2970.

- Recorded.
- Madam Clerk,

Representative Clark
votes no on HR 2970.

This was a done deal!

Now look what you did, you writhing,
piss-filled skin Twizzler!

You made Speaker Marwood
run all the way down here!

Now the clots in his legs
are gonna rush to his brain.

And maybe you were too busy biting James
Bond's cable car wire to realize,

but if we don't raise
the debt ceiling,

America's financial system is gonna
go belly-up like what, Will?

Like my labradoodle, Teddy, when I cover his
cock in honey and give him a sticky licky.

- No, bad!
- Look at me.

You could shut down
the government.

Well, maybe the government
needs to be shut down

- because it's broken.
- Oh!

And when something's broken,
you shut it down,

and then you turn it back on
again like with a router.

And if they didn't want me
to shut down the government,

then maybe they should've invited
me to the Meyer unveiling!

Do you even know what
an unveiling ceremony is?!

Look, whether I know
what an unveiling is or is not

is not the point.

The point is principles.

My God. Just call off
your morons, Congressman.

My morons are voting no.

Madam Clerk, on HR 2970,

Congressman Ryan votes no.

Lights out!

Lights out! Lights out!

Lights out! Lights out!
Lights out!

Oof, here we are.

Look at this place.
It is such a dump, isn't it?

Although, I have to admit
I sort of miss it.

Aw, and it misses you, too.

The one who got away.

And now she's back
for her big day!

- Are you wearing makeup?
- No.

Yeah.

Madam President!

It is so lovely
to see you again.

- My daughter misses you.
- Thank you...

- I have no idea what these people's names are.
- ...so much!

I know one thing... she's the one
who put my sweater in the dryer.

- Yes!
- Right.

Madam President, we've sure
missed you around here.

- Oh, thank you...
- Friend.

...friend.

Where are you taking
the Jackie crystal?

- Such a shame.
- What's happening right now?

- What are those, chips?
- Why is there Coke Zero behind us?

Ma'am, your guests
will arrive in a half hour.

And they set up
the Blue Room for your use.

What is this Dixie cup
shit show?

It's like we teleported
to post-Katrina Mississippi.

- I know!
- There's no tablecloths.

Montez is really taking
this Mexican thing too far.

- Morning, ma'am.
- Hey, what is this?

Well, as of a few minutes ago,

Jonah and his merry band
of jizz huffers

drove their short bus
right into the debt ceiling vote

and T-boned
the entire US economy.

Treasury Secretary Baird ordered

- a full government shutdown.
- Shutdown.

All nonessential
White House staff

have been furloughed,
starting immediately.

- Okay.
- Hey, Mom, everyone.

- Did we miss it?
- No, I'm afraid not.

You know, there's not even a punch
bowl for me to piss in here.

Marjorie, Catherine,

congratulations are in order.

Oh, right!
Thank you.

We just hit
the 12-week mark.

It's a boy.

- Congressman Furlong.
- Brookheimer!

Got your dong of a résumé.

I know you'd chew your own arm
off to escape being handcuffed

to Meyers's overly toned corpse
and her dungeon of losers,

but I had to go
in another direction.

Tell her why, Will.

You're stronger than me,

and you have a higher reserve
of dignity and self-worth.

And I'm trapped
in a cycle of abuse.

Better luck next time.

Hey, Fuckleberry Finn!

Christ, you got old.

- You wanna work for that guy?
- I really do.

- Tom! Hi!
- Madam President.

What are you doing here?

Can I have
a private word with you?

Would that be all right, or are you
afraid that I'll rape you again?

Well...

- Well, sure, let... all right.
- Come, come, come, yes, yes, yeah.

Hi. Yeah, so good
to see you, too.

I can't believe that
I gave you a goddamn blurb.

- Why, Tom? Why did you do that?
- Come on, Selina.

For Christ's sake, we both
know how the game is played.

I came to you in good
faith and I asked!

- Well...
- I did the classy thing.

Come on, we both know you were
gonna go ahead and do it anyway.

Of course I was, but I had the
courtesy to seem like I might not!

And then with
that TV appearance.

Me the aggressor?
What is that?!

That is sick, sociopathic shit.

I'm worried about you.
I think you need help.

- I need help? Oh, please!
- Absolutely.

You've got more issues
than "National Geographic."

What's going on here?
I don't understand.

- Did I do something to deserve this?
- No, no!

You did nothing.

Wait a minute, what was that?

Did I hurt your feelings
because I, what...

because I didn't
call you afterwards?

Oh, that is just so stupid.

And I would've said
the same thing to you

a year ago if you had called me.

Oh, ho, ho! So, you
did want me to call.

Oh, oh, poor Tommy.

- He wanted me to call him afterwards.
- Shut the fuck up!

Sorry, I should not have
raised my voice like that.

Madam President, thank you for
inviting us to your unveiling.

My wife is a huge fan.

Yeah, well, you know what,
you can have your trophy wife

and your trophy office
and your trophy baby,

who you won't even live
to see go to college,

but I still got to be president,
and, tsk, you never will.

Oh! I was looking for you. They're
waiting for you to begin.

I swear to God, Tom James just
wanted to fuck me right now.

- What?!
- Yeah, we had a real moment.

But he's too much of a pussy
to go for my pussy.

Okay, well, that's
probably for the best.

He's not gonna
get away with that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, ma'am!

I'm back.
What the hell was that?

You really wanted me,
didn't you?

There were sparks practically
flying out of your dick!

Why am I getting
this sense of déjà vu?

No, no, no, I'm not talking
about the Green Room.

That was just a good,
old-fashioned hate fuck.

Selina, I do not
and never have hated you!

You got that right!
You loved me.

- Stop it!
- You still love me now.

- What?!
- You do! Admit it.

- Admit it. Admit it!
- You are fucking crazy!

Okay, right there, right there,
what do you call that?

- What was that?
- That was...

You want to throw me
onto this couch

and pin my legs
behind my head and do me.

- I am a happily married man, Selina.
- Oh, that's not an answer!

What the fuck
is wrong with you?!

What the fuck
is wrong with you?!

Okay, wha... this!

What do you want me
to say, Selina?

What do you want me
to say, Tom, huh?

That back when
I was in the Senate,

the only reason
that I co-sponsored S-473

was because
I had a crush on you?

That when we were in Los Angeles

and we walked out onto the stage
to accept the nomination,

and you grabbed my hand and you
held it up high, and I was like,

"Oh, my God,
he's holding my hand."

That when I was
in the loony bin,

- I thought about you
endlessly, and I was...

Tom?

Sweetheart.

This is my wife, Alethia.

Alethia?

Is that her name or is that the
pill you take to fuck her?

- Alethia!
- So nice to meet you, President Meyer.

- Oh, that's so nice of you.
- I voted for you.

Well, it didn't help.

Okay, you know,
I should head back

and, uh, deal with
the ceremony and so on.

Yes, yes, yes.

You love me.

I...!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the President
of the United States.

Oh, wow, she looks awesome.

I'd give my left tit
for those tits.

Hello. Buenas tardes.
Good afternoon.

There are so many things

that I would like to say
about the extraordinary woman

- who was my predecessor here at the White House.
- Here comes the love!

- Shh, I know. Shh.
- But unfortunately,

I have to return to the Oval
Office to deal with the shutdown.

I know Selina Meyer,

who has navigated
many crises in her own term,

will understand.

- President Meyer.
- Oh.

Selina.

Now, let's take a look at
this beautiful piece of work.

- Oh, my God.
- It's beautiful.

- Oh.
- That's beautiful.

Thank you very, very much.
Thank you.

Oh, goodness, I do wish you could've
heard President Montez's speech

because she's so well-spoken,
don't you think?

And this is very nice, folks.

Very nice, indeed.

You know, um...

I look around this room

and I see so many portraits

of... of so many
of our great presidents,

and I am reminded
of their many accomplishments

and shining moments.

But I also like to think

perhaps about their
not-so-shining moments.

And that, um...

well, maybe none of it matters.

You know, because maybe
in a hundred years,

all that anyone will remember

is that you have your portrait

hanging on a wall
in the White House.

So, out of respect
for the furlough,

um, I think we should
wrap things up.

So, thank you so much.

What a...
what a wonderful thing.

Thank you.

That was a great speech.

Yeah, that cow
put the chair in the painting.

- What chair?
- The fucking chair in that painting

is the chair that
she made love to Andrew on.

- I slept in that chair.
- And look at my neck.

I... no,
in the painting!

Look at my neck. I have pardoned
turkeys with fewer waddles.

My neck does not look like that.

No, it doesn't.

- Madam President.
- Oh, yes!

- I'm sorry.
- This is John Corbin.

- He's Montez's me.
- Great.

Not exactly.
I have a law degree

and served two tours
in Afghanistan.

Oh, congrats.

I'm afraid we're gonna have
to start clearing the room

so we can furlough the rest of
the staff in a timely manner.

Well, that makes solid sense.
We'll get out of your hair.

Thank you so much.
Hello!

- This goes inside your jacket.
- Oh.

Ma'am, the painting is stunning.

Well, thank you, Marjorie, but you're
not exactly known for your good taste.

You know what,
this is your fault.

- No!
- Yes! I should not have come to this thing.

Jesus Christ,
underage Muslim brides

- are less traumatized
at their unveiling. Shh.

And even they don't
have to drink Coke Zero.

- At least Jonah wasn't here.
- Hey, that's positive, see?

A lot of people are saying
that I shut down the government.

You're damn right, I did!

I shut down the government
for wasting our money.

I shut down the government for
interfering with our clocks and watches.

I shut down the post office because
everybody just uses email anyway.

I shut down NPR because
they're a total snoozefest,

and they said this
shutdown was a bad idea.

I shut down the national parks

so that your parents will have to
take you someplace cool on vacation,

like Disney World
or Cancun or Mexico.

- Okay.
- Okay, okay.

Are there any questions?

The congressman will not
be taking any questions.

The congressman will not
be taking any questions.

- Thank you.
- Provocative stuff there

from the bad boy of
Washington, Jonah Ryan.

Wall Street, meanwhile,
has reacted to the shutdown

with what analysts are
urging us not to label a panic.

Also, are we doing
our laundry all wrong?

Japanese efficiency
experts say no.

Plus, our own Buzzy Kanahale's
gonna be reporting the weather

from the place that matters
the most... the beach.

- Oof, wish I could join him there.
- Oh.

Not me.

I'm not down to my
bathing suit weight yet, so.

Oh, please, Brie, I bet you could
fill out a bikini quite nicely.

Oh, Dan.

- Blech!
- Well, that's all the time we have for today.

- I'm Dan Egan.
- Bring back Jane!

- And I'm Brie Ramachandran.
- Remember,

every day starts with morning.

- You suck!
- Bye, now.