All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S02E11.The.Burrito.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DD5.1.x264-AJP69_track3_eng

That was awesome!
I'm going again!

No!

I think I barfed in the nether-dimension
before we landed.

Is my barf
just gonna float out there forever?

Will someone fly through my barf
when they use the portal?

Ugh, stop saying "barf."

And where's Michael?

He's not coming.

He sacrificed himself to save me.

The last thing I saw
was Shawn grabbing him.

Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?

A bad grab.

Like a nice bad grab or a mean bad grab?

No Michael and no Janet.

Didn't get to say a proper goodbye.

Not even a mere toodle-oo.

We're on our own.
We have to handle this ourselves.

Michael said the portal would lead us
to the Judge,

so... where's the Judge?

All I see is a burrito.

Do you think it's a test?

Like, maybe one of us
is supposed to eat it,

or we eat it together,

or maybe it's a test to see
how long we can go without eating it.

I'm not scared of any burrito.
I'll eat it.

Unless the burrito is the Judge.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.
Judges aren't food.

Judges are serious people,

who wear long silk nightgowns
and big white powdered wigs.

Ah-ah! He could be right.

What?

I don't know.

I'm just saying
we've certainly seen weirder things

than an all-knowing burrito.
We can't take any chances.

Hello, Your Excellency.
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

We doth seek thine judgment.

We've traveled a long distance to see you,
O Great One.

Hi. I'm the Judge.
That's a burrito.

What's up, guys?

Yeah, I did not think I had a case today.

The paperwork should have shown up by now.

Unless you guys just, like, came here.

Wait, did you guys just come here?

Oh, my God.
You guys are bad.

Which one is the worst one of you

Oh, I bet it's you.

Okay, yeah, we did just sort of "show up,"

but we had to.
We were escaping the Bad Place.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Which, now that I think about it,

there might be some demons following us.

Don't worry about that.
Any time anyone shows up in my chambers,

the portal is sealed
until I issue my ruling.

So you guys can relax.
Get comfortable.

A classic St. Crispin's Day
garden party frock.

Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.?
Not important.

Let's have a look at your files.

Wait, you don't already know everything
about us

Well, not in the way you mean.

I try to learn as little as I can
about the events of humankind,

so I can remain impartial,
'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

That being said, sometimes I get bored
and I cheat a little bit.

I've been bingeing
Ken Burns' Vietnam recently.

It's okay.

I mean, I'm immortal,
but that thing is long.

You know what I'm saying

Anyway, your petition is denied.
I can't hear your case.

Please exit to the rear.

What?

I just absorbed
the entirety of your existences,

and I just wanna say,
you guys are so cute.

And the thing is,
you didn't file any paperwork,

and you have no advocate,
and the rules say I gotta...

send you back.

Your Honor, please hear our case.

You frankly wouldn't believe what
we've been through just to be here today.

I mean, I would, because I just learned
everything about you,

but keep talking.

I am, like, obsessed with your accent.

We have made so much progress,

and all we ask is an audience
with you to prove it.

Is that not your very purpose?
To weigh in on matters such as ours?

To paraphrase
a song written by my godfather,

"Hey, Judge, don't make it bad.
Take a sad group and make us better."

Say "aluminum."

Aluminium.

"Alumin..."

I love that! And I love your passion.

I mean, it takes a lot of guts
to just show up here unannounced.

Plus, I haven't had a case in, like,
30 years and I'm super bored.

So it's either this or start Bloodline
and, I don't know,

I don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler
as anyone else but Coach Taylor.

So, the case?

Right!

Let's do it.

You had one job:

torture four bad people forever.

Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.

You really junked your jeans on this one,
you butterface.

I did what I had to do.

Oh, you had to junk your jeans?

How could you
betray your own kind like this?

Who taught you
how to turn a human inside out

by reaching down their throat
and grabbing their butt from the inside?

You did.

You got that right, sister.

And this is how you repay me.

Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture.
You never cared about me.

In the words of one of my actual friends,
"You're basic."

It's a human insult. It's devastating.
You're devastated right now.

The point is, the four of them
are in front of the Judge.

And the Good Janet has escaped too.
You'll never find her.

Oh, you mean this Good Janet?

I found her in, like, two seconds.

She was wandering the halls,
being polite to people,

like a chump.

So I marbleized her.

Keep her if you want.

Maybe shove it up your wiener
for safekeeping.

I don't know. It's up to you.

I'm going to give each of you a test
to see how much progress you've made,

and if I deem you fit
to be in the Good Place, then...

Zoop!

Up you go! Well, actually, sort of,
that way.

Great. Can we be tested together
as a group?

Yeah, we all need to be able
to cheat off Chidi.

That's why your name is Chidi.
I get it now.

I'm sorry, cuties.
The tests have to be individual.

Well, can we be graded as a group then?

The only reason we've come this far
is because we've helped each other.

And I don't think anything's gonna feel
like the Good Place if we're not together.

So, if you all pass, you're in.

And if even one of you fails,
you're all effed, right?

Terrible idea. I mean, truly awful.

You are very lucky that I cannot send you
to the Bad Idea Place,

because that one is a stanker.

But whatever blows your dress up.
Am I right

-Jason.
-Present!

Good.

In front of you is a video game system
loaded with Madden football.

Are you kidding me?
I'm the best at Madden.

I call Jaguars!

As I was about to tell you,

you can only play against the Jaguars...

-No.
-...using their archrivals,

-the Tennessee Titans.
-No!

If you play the game and you lose--

Oh! I'm gonna win.
Say no more, scary judge lady.

Tell my friends
their souls are in good hands.

No! I fumbled the kickoff! Titans suck!

Tahani. It's such a pretty name.

My name is super boring.

Gen. Which is short for "hydrogen,"

which was the only thing
that was in existence when I was born.

Anyhoo, all you have to do
is go through there,

walk down the hallway
and through the red door at the end.

That's my test?
-Yup.

Oh, also, everyone in every room
that you pass

is going to be discussing
what they truly think about you.

Okay, have fun!

Oh, I see.

It's a test of my ability to not care
what people think of me.

Oh, no!

So, just to be clear,
you actually rebooted them over 800 times,

and all of these reports of their torture
are completely fake?

Yes. But, frankly, this is on you.

A lot of those details I just took
directly from Stephen King novels

and episodes of Pretty Little Liars.

Just tell me why. Why would you do this?

It's not like I planned it!

I was just trying to prove that humans
could be made to torture each other.

Instead, they helped each other
and got better.

They were bad people.

This is not supposed to be possible.

So, the only explanation is that somehow,
there was a mistake made,

and these people belong in the Good Place.

No, they don't, idiot.

-Shawn, this is not fair.

"Fair" is the stupidest word
humans ever invented.

-Except for "staycation."
-Ew.

Look, those four humans are good people,

and they deserve a staycation
in the Good Place.

And I bet
the Judge will feel the same way.

I doubt she even hears their case.

But if she does, one of them
will screw it up. They always do.

I'm sick
of smelling this guy's lumpy, white ass.

Can we get rid of him already?

Yeah, it's time. Follow me.

Okay, Eleanor and Chidi.

Looks like you guys are up.

Yup.

Trippy, right?

There is no test.
You guys are in!

We're "in"

You've made great strides
and you've made it to the Good Place.

-Congrats.

Take these medallions, go right through
that portal and you're there in a jiff.

-We made it. We made it.
-We made it. Holy crap!

Whoo!

All those ethics lessons paid off.
Whoever said philosophy was stupid?

You did! Many times.
As recently as this morning.

Whoo!

But you also worked really hard
and you deserve this.

You really do.

Here's the thing, though.
It's just the two of you.

Tahani and Jason didn't make it.

I'm giving them tests right now

to determine where they belong
within the Bad Place.

So, you might wanna reconsider
that judge-us-together thing,

'cause if you stick to that,
you're all going down.

I am so hungry.
Why am I so hungry?

Oh, I'm such an idiot.
I forgot to eat my burrito.

And I was so hungry too. What a dork.

Okay, obviously, this is the test, right?

I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani
the same offer

and whichever couple takes it
actually loses,

and the other two get in for real.

Oh, diabolical.

Hey, Judge, we figured out what--

Nope! Tahani and Jason
have not been given the same offer.

Here, take a look.

Tahani's test is to walk down a hallway

and not get tempted
by her gossiping friends.

Jason is playing video games.

Oh. Okay, cool.

Sorry, I feel weird

saying this to an almighty Judge,
but you have hot sauce on your chin.

Thank you.

It's actually not hot sauce.

It's envy, or the concept of envy.

It's really good on Mexican food.
It gives it a little kick.

Okay, so what do we do?

Mmm.

Oh, no. That was
your "moral quandary" grimace,

which is different from your
"gas pain" grimace...

and different from your

"someone said 'from whence it came'
instead of 'whence it came'" grimace.

So, spit it out, man!

If this isn't a test,
then it's something way worse.

-A choice!

That we have to make.

Yeah, you know, why can't one part

of the calculation of our eternal fate
be easy?

I don't know.

Quevenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking,
in the same room, discussing me?

Guess they must have made up.

Focus. There'll be Fergies aplenty
in the Good Place.

I don't know
where we went wrong with Tahani.

I know. She is such a disappointment
compared to her sister.

Hello, Father.

-Hello, Mother.
-Oh.

Hello, Tahani.

We were just talking about

how you're a huge disappointment
compared to your sister.

Have a seat.
We'd love to get your take.

How's it going in here?

I'm losing by three.

Meditating to calm myself down.

I'd be winning by, like, a million

if I could play as the Jags,
instead of against them.

I hate scoring
against my own favorite team.

But you already knew that

because this is the test!

Yeah, that's not a revelation
or something.

I explained that very clearly.

It's nice to see you, Tahani.

Apparently, wherever you've been,
they've been keeping you well-fed.

You know, I've actually risked quite a lot
to be in this room right now,

so if you could just not be cruel
for 30 seconds, that would be lovely.

Apologies. It's been a while
since we've seen you.

We have so much to tell you
about your sister.

We've just heard the most wonderful news.

Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.

Really?

Well, she dedicated it to her fans
and you're one of her fans.

The whole point of this afterlife test

is that everyone in these rooms
is supposed to be talking about me

and yet, even in this scenario,
you are still talking about Kamilah.

Which is exactly the point.

I was never going to be enough for you,
never going to earn your respect.

You know, I have done things
that you would never have approved of.

I died dressed as someone
in the service industry.

I shagged a Floridian.
I even ate a Cheeto.

-That's right.

Chewing it was deafening
and it's the happiest I have ever been.

Don't get upset, dear.

You barely fit in that dress

and I'm afraid you're going to "Hulk out,"
as it were.

Okay.

I'm sorry we didn't have
a better relationship

and I wish you both the best.

All right, idiot, any last words?

Go ahead and retire me already.

You're not getting retired, Michael.

-No.

Retirement is a spectacle.

Everyone would see the flaming ladles
go down your throat.

Everyone would hear your
eternal shrieks of agony, blah-blah-blah.

Then they'd ask me what you did.

I don't need that scrutiny right now.

So, I'm just going to throw you
in this unmarked room

for the rest of eternity.

And, since it seems you love humans
so much, I'll torture you like one.

All you'll have for entertainment is that
giant stack of New Yorker magazines.

Oh, come on. You and I both know
I'll never read those.

Of course you won't.

But they'll just keep coming.

Goodbye, Michael.

We will leave you
with one of Bad Janet's classic farts.

The smell will linger
for ten million years.

All right, here comes the boom!

Oh, wait. Actually,
before I absolutely let it rip,

I just have one more thing I have to do.

What?

It's me! Good Janet!

Janet! I thought you were a marble.

That was a trick!

I realized if we wanted our friends
to have any chance of survival,

I had to learn how to do
a lot of bad things really quickly.

So I did!

Now I'm ready to go back
to being nice again.

What happened?

Okay, now I'll be nice again.

Could you please stop doing that?

It helps me think.

We've been through every argument:

Contractualist, Kantian,
"What would Superman do?",

"What would Rihanna do?"
Are we missing anything?

Hit me, right now,
with your most obscure, boring-est,

"old white dude with a long wizard beard"
mumbo jumbo.

Okay, our friends
are going to the Bad Place

and us choosing to go with them
won't lessen their suffering.

So, morally, we're allowed to go.

But let's forget about
the ethics for a second.

After everything that's happened,

don't we deserve to be together?

And happy, for once?

Judge?

Have you made your decision?

Yeah.

We're not going to the Good Place.

I mean, that was never actually an option,

but for the sake of your test,
we're not going.

What do you mean?

Well, I was 99% sure that going
was the wrong move,

but, since our whole relationship has been
me being sure of something

and Chidi explaining why I was wrong,

I owed it to him to quadruple-check.

The capper came
when I realized that ain't Chidi.

The Chidi I know wouldn't argue
that he should be rewarded

while his friends got punished

and he would never
"forget about ethics for a second."

I don't know who this joker is,
but it's not Chidi Anagonye.

Wait, but what about the--

Well done, Eleanor.

You can take a seat
and wait for the others.

Can I have that medallion back?

'Cause it's actually
a coaster for my sodas.

Mmm-hmm.

Where is the real Chidi, though?
Is he okay?

He's still taking his test.

Okay, this is ridiculous. Um...

I'm just gonna choose...

Brown.

Gray's the obvious choice,
which is probably why

I shouldn't choose it.

Brown. Nope. Gray.

Nope. Brown. Brown hat.

All right. Fun stuff?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Feeling good?
-Very.

-Yeah, I think so, yes.
-Yes.

Great. You're all going to the Bad Place.

Okay. Um...

If I was the one who failed,
could you at least tell me why I failed,

for my own edification?

It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.

But did I at least choose the right one?

There is no right one.
They're hats.

Come on, man! Ugh!

Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms
that I thought would entice you,

but you weren't supposed
to open any doors

and you couldn't resist
confronting your parents.

Sorry, everyone.

But now that I failed, can I go back in

and talk to Winston Churchill
and Freddie Mercury?

No.

Jason, your test was about
impulse control

and you showed great improvements.

But you never asked
if you could opt not to play.

I mean, you basically told me,

an all-knowing Judge,
to just shut up and go away.

Do you realize how insane that is?

Not as insane as picking off
the greatest quarterback of all time,

Blake Bortles, to set up a
last-second game-winning field goal.

Now, Eleanor's test was about
her selfishness,

-and she actually--
-I failed.

I shoved an old lady down the stairs
to get to the raw bar,

because I'm a shrimp fiend.

So, we all failed.
Let's not dwell on it.

All right. Shall we?

Oh, I am gonna miss you guys.

I made a little video
of our time together.

Look, there we are.

You know, I thought I'd have a
stomachache right now, but weirdly...

I do.

-There's my guy.

Doesn't matter.
I'm gonna miss you, bud.

Every time they pull my eyeballs out
through my mouth, I'll think of you.

I'm gonna frame that one.

We gave it our best shot, guys.

I say we go through the portal,
get a good night's sleep,

come back fresh in the morning, try again.

Oh, Jason,

I feel like you always understand
about 20% of what's happening.

-Thanks.
-Sure.

I mean, look at us.

Good times.

All right, off to eternal damnation.

Do you hear something?

-Oh!