All language subtitles for Silicon.Valley.S05E01.WEB.h264-TBS (No-HI)

Three, two, one, go.

A... A new internet.

What? Why?

I am your lead investor.
You will respect me as such.

I do not respect you
because you are fat and poor.

So, you're telling me that
the perfect application

of my algorithm belongs
to Gavin fucking Belson?

We need
his patent and his funding.

Eventually, this will render
every server obsolete.

Holy shit.

Welcome to
the future, Gavin.

- Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Son of a bitch!

I have spoken to our top LPs
to start a new firm.

Would you care to jump ship
with me?

You are, after all,
my best friend.

What?

Gavin just fucked off
to go find himself,

who knows where.

- What is it?
- It's the patent.

He just signed over
full ownership to me.

There's a loud man here
to see you.

- Kendo in the house!
- Are you fucking kidding me?

Welcome home and congratulations
on getting your business back.

Thank you, and I should

congratulate you
on your breakthrough.

I can help you get
where you wanna go.

I'm pretty sure I know
where I wanna go,

and how to get there.

I shall look forward
to the fight.

Jesus,
what the hell did he order?

Oh... No! No, no, no, no.
Stop! Stop it, stop it.

Oh my God.

These are
our new offices?

Yeah. Well,
this is just the lobby.

We're up there
on the second floor, but yup.

These are so nice.

There's a fireplace.

Oh! I am a sucker for an
intuitive kitchen layout.

Follow me, right up here.
Trust me, you're gonna love it.

It's hard to believe
your pathological inability

to make a decision finally paid off.

Wow. Richard, well done.

Dude! Look
at this place, huh?

Oh, I love it.

So, when do
these guys move out?

Oh, no, this isn't
our space.

Our sublease is
straight through here.

Okay.

I welcome you to Pied
Piper's new home.

Huh?

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

It's... it's very white.

Yeah, it's minimalist,
you know?

Sharp, clean lines.

I was thinking about maybe putting
my desk here in this corner.

Jared, you over here, right?

Dinesh, Gilfoyle, maybe up
against this wall or over there.

You know, just take a minute,
walk around the space,

see where
the mojo takes you.

I mean, we've got
some good feng shui in here.

Really good.

Richard, the plan
was to hire 15 coders

and some assistants
and... and other staff.

Where exactly
would we put them?

Easy. Right around here.

Look, guys...
the price

is unbelievable.

I'm just happy that we got to it
when we did before anyone else.

I... I emphatically vote that we
move on this now, if we all agree.

I mean,
we do agree, right?

I cannot put this
delicately, so...

Are you fucking
kidding me, dude?

You want us
to work in here?

This is a fucking
black site, Richard!

A black site
would actually be better,

because at least we'd be protected
by the Geneva Convention.

This is fucking with my eyes.
Can I get outta here?

Okay, ha... hang on.
Richard, can I talk to you

- for one second, please, privately?
- Sure.

Ah!
See? Plenty of outlets.

Richard...
what are you doing?

We can easily afford a place
with windows and... air

where you can maintain a
connection to time and space.

If... if we spend
all that money, it's gone.

Okay, don't you remember
Jack Barker

squandering all our runway
for those fancy offices

or Russ Hanneman spending nearly
every cent we had on fucking swag?

I'm sorry, man,
we do not get another chance.

This is it.

There is
no point whispering.

We can hear every fucking word
you say in this sweatbox.

I can hear
you gulping, Richard.

No, you can't.

Richard, it is
my firm opinion

that if we were
to take this space,

our new hires
wouldn't be coding,

they would be having
panic attacks.

No, come on. I'm doing a
really good job of hiding it,

but I'm having one
right now.

I gotta get
the fuck outta here.

Jared, you okay?
I will not be back.

Wait, guys, hold on. Jared, I'm
gonna get you some water, okay?

Okay, what about
this guy, Chris Berger?

He's a very skilled engineer.

He was very funny when we met with him.
I think he'd be great.

He was oddly tall,
don't you think?

Yeah, pass.

Alright, what about
Blake Kang?

His beard hair looked
like head hair.

And his head hair
looked like beard hair.

Come on! It's been
a fucking month.

I got us these
expensive-ass offices

because you wanted them, and now
they're just sitting here, empty,

because you guys
won't agree on anyone.

Look, I'm going to be
seeing Laurie Bream

at this stupid Innovation
Hall of Fame event tonight,

and she's gonna ask
how hiring is going.

She's 11 months pregnant
and highly irritable.

What am I going
to tell her?

That we've just been dicking
around the whole time?

We're not dicking around.
Really?

What about this?

Touché.

He sent in a professional headshot.
We had no choice.

Plus his face looks
like a taint.

Okay, yeah, fair.

But look, I sent you
63 good people.

I spared you kilt guy,
openly alt-right guy,

obviously closeted
alt-right guy,

and the guy with the
stupid fucking pizza app.

It was so lame, it would
somehow make you hate pizza.

You have to choose. Dude,
it's easy for you to say.

You're gonna be off CEO'ing,
going to fancy galas.

We're the ones who have to like be in
the engine room with these clowns.

They have to meet
our rigorous standards.

I mean, look at the three
we've already hired.

Just look at them.
There they are.

Stallions.

Each one more
magnificent than the last.

Perfect.

Yeah, they're glorious,
obviously,

but that's
only three of them,

and they're luxuriating here
in this huge fucking palace

that is costing us a fortune, so hurry
up and pick these fucking coders,

and stop acting like a couple
of spoiled millionaires.

Alright, Richard,

your tuxedo is pressed
and ready for the gala.

I put a touch of mint
in the steamer.

You're gonna look like Richard
Gere from "Pretty Woman."

Maybe tonight you'll fall
for a radiant sex worker.

During my sabbatical
from Hooli,

I toured the wonders of the
world, seeking inspiration

from mankind's
greatest achievements...

the Parthenon,
Angkor Wat,

the Great Pyramid
of Giza.

But it wasn't
until my flight home

that I had my epiphany.

Yes, those wonders are visited by
thousands of people every year,

but 2.4 million people

visit HooliSearch
every minute.

God, what a fucking douchebag.

And then it occurred to me.

What I have built is
a far greater achievement,

than any
of the ancient world.

And the ideal version
of myself

was the man
I already was.

Thank you.

Richard?
Richard Hendricks.

Oh. Huh? Okay. Yeah, hi, Duncan.
Yeah.

Me and my guys were just talking
about you and your pizza app.

Oh yeah. I bet.
Our algorithm finds you

the cheapest, fastest pizza,
and it's... it's awesome.

Yeah. It's actually so awesome...
Definitely.

That... oh man, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna have to pull my resume.

Oh, you're pulling your...

Oh no. Yeah, I just don't
feel as psyched about it

as I do about Sliceline.
Sliceline?

That's the name
of your app?

Yeah. Oh God.

Great.
Yeah, it's a pun.

Is it? Yeah. It rhymes
with Priceline.

Okay. Just... so, it rhymes? Okay.
Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.

Anyway, there might be some major VCs
around here, so I gotta go mingle.

Okay. It's the... it's the worst
part of this job. Am I right?

I'm kidding.
It's the best part of the job.

Okay.

What an asshole.

Richard.
Gavin, hello.

Don't you look cute
in your Sunday best?

How's that little
bunny Internet going?

Mmm. New Internet. New.

Unlike your old Internet.

You know, I'm glad
I ran into you, Richard.

I was actually starting to feel
bad about what I did today.

Oh? And what was that?

Invent the MOSFET transistor?

It's old technology.
It's very old, like you.

No. I've heard that you're trying to
staff up. Over the past few months,

you've met with just about every distributed
systems developer in the Valley.

Okay, well, not everyone.

63 of them, and as of 4:30 p.m.
this afternoon,

I hired them,
all 63 of them.

Yeah, I had to pay through
the nose, but you know what?

It makes it worth
every penny.

You know what?
Enjoy the reception, Richard.

You too.

Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.

He hired all of them.

Even my boy Blake Kang?

He was a good one.

I'm sorry, uh, your boy?

I thought his hair
was backwards?

You guys were lukewarm on him and everybody
else for all kinds of stupid reasons.

Well, now that they're unavailable, their
strengths are more readily apparent.

And I don't want to point
fingers, but we wouldn't be here

if you hadn't let Gilfoyle and me
waste so much time being picky.

What? I was dying
to move faster.

I was just respecting
your process.

Our process sucks.

Your inability to stop us from sucking

is a failure of leadership.

At least we still
have the stallions.

Ah. Those stallions.

Look at 'em.
Magnificent.

Sit back down.
Just sit in your chairs.

Jared, um...

call alt-right guy and cologne
boy and all the other rejects,

and... set meetings.

Well, I did a little digging
on the alt-right guy,

and he's pretty involved in a
campaign to eliminate black emojis,

but there might be
another option.

Do you remember Kira Pickford?

Yes, actually. Yeah, good coder,
but she had her own company.

Well, that's true, except
that her company, Optimoji,

just lost their second
round of funding,

so they're basically
on life support.

So? So, what if, instead
of building a team,

we acquired one?

But Optimoji has 30 people.
We only need 12.

Well, we'll just insist
that she let the other 18 go.

We have a lot of leverage.
Richard is a shrewd negotiator,

and I'm, you know, spirited.

Look, Kira,
this is a fair offer.

But... I've got
30 great guys.

We're like family, and you
only wanna bring along 12?

I have to do what's
right by my guys.

Look, I know what it's like to only
be able to rescue half your family,

and it's awful, but what can you do?
Shh, shh.

Sometimes there's only
one... Jared, okay, stop.

Um, look, Kira, you're not gonna
find a better deal than that.

Your company is
close to bankruptcy

and we all know that there are a lotta
coders out there in this old town,

and we could go
to any of 'em,

but we wanna
go to you, so...

kinda feels like we've got
all the cards here, huh?

Richard.
You keep following me,

I'm gonna call
the cops.

I'm just kidding.
Oh.

Hey, I'm Duncan. Hey. Kira.

Hey, guess what company just got
his Series "A" Term Sheet? Huh?

Oh, the Sliceline.

- Congrats, yeah.
- Yeah, we're staffing up like crazy.

Speaking of staffing, how about
all those coders you lost, man?

I'm sorry. That must've
been a real blow.

What coders?

Um, I'm sorry, I don't mean to
be rude, but this is boring.

Thank God I didn't
accept your offer.

I'd be the only guy
working for you

now that Gavin Belson
swooped in

and tactically mass-hired
every single

distributed systems
engineer you were looking at.

Gavin hired all
of Richard's coders?

Not everyone.
Not everyone.

Yup. The guy is savage,

and so are my guys if they
don't get their caffeine,

so nice meeting you, Kira.
Cool. Cool, cool.

What were you saying
about holding all the cards?

All of my coders
or none of them.

Take it or leave it.

What?

What the fuck?

Do you have...
Do you...

Jian-Yang!

Jian-Yang...
would you please explain

why we each found some random
Chinese guy asleep in our beds?

Yes, you work all day.

Your rooms are always
empty, so they use.

The fuck they do. Yes,
it's not your house.

This is not your house
either, Jian-Yang.

This is Erlich's house. Do you think
Erlich would want your guys here?

No. That's why I invite them,
because I hate Errich.

We are not Erlich. You are
from Errich's administration.

No, we are not. Nobody has
heard from Erlich in months.

This isn't working. I'm gonna drag
your cousin the fuck outta my lair.

No,
this is my cousin.

Engineers, welcome.

You are 63 of the top distributed
systems developers in the Valley,

and we're looking forward
to working with you.

Hooli is the future,
and your future is...

the Box Two.

So, are there
any questions?

Yes?

I'm sorry, but what if we
don't wanna work on that?

Weird. This is our
flagship product,

but I'm sure we'd all like to hear
what you would like to work on.

A decentralized Internet, like we were
going to build with Richard Hendricks.

Actually, that's the one thing
we can't do here at Hooli. Yes?

Sorry. You only hired us because
Pied Piper wanted us, right?

Untrue. Go on.

And Pied Piper only wanted us

because of our ability to help
build a decentralized Internet.

Can't speak
to that. Continue.

And you're telling us
that even if we want to,

we can't build
a decentralized Internet here.

May I ask why not?

Because Richard owns
the patent for it.

Yes, third row,
red hoodie.

How did he get it?
I gave it to him.

You in the back?
Why did you do that?

It was a Buddhist act
of selflessness.

Well, I'm also a Buddhist, and I
would never give him the patent.

I mean, once he builds
that Internet,

he's gonna render Hooli's entire
web-based ecosystem completely obsolete.

I mean, everything you're
doing here is antiquated.

That's not a question.
That's a statement.

You know what?

Fuck you guys. I don't want
you working on my box.

It's too good for you.
"Antiquated"?

Why did you all take my money
then, you entitled little pricks?

You all think you're John Lennon

until someone waves a
dollar in your face!

You know what?
Get outta here!

Go on, just wander the campus
for four years until you vest.

See what I care.

I'm serious! Go! Goodbye!
Thank you very much!

Assholes.
"Antiquated"?

Fuck do they think they are? I'm in the
Innovation Hall of Fame. Are they?

Speaking of, they sent over
the official inductees portrait.

You and your peers.
Handsome bunch.

Fuck.

Fuck!

So, Mr. Yang...
It's Mr. Jian.

In China,
last name comes first.

Okay. Mr. Jian, you say that Erlich
Bachman wrote this letter...

to you? Yes.

"This is Erlich. Hello.

"I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a
very good friend and very smart.

"I want him to be the
leader of the house

"and control all of the friends.

Goodbye. Bachman Erlich."

Yes. I want his house.

Thank you. Okay, I don't
technically represent Mr. Bachman.

I'm Pied Piper's
corporate counsel,

so my exposure to Bachman pertains only
to his 10% ownership of the business.

Errich owns 10% of Pied Piper?

This was not a lie? Sadly,
no, that's very, very real.

That's worth a lot of money.

It's promising tech. One day
it could be worth a shit-ton.

Shit-ton. Yes.

Mr. Jian, you seem
like a good guy.

Um, this letter is
not a legal document.

I mean, maybe a skilled
attorney could make a case

that in the absence
of an existing will,

this would serve as one in
the case of Bachman's death,

but as far as I can tell,
the guy is not... Dead.

Yes. Errich is dead.

Do you happen to have...
a death certificate

or any... any form
of proof of... Yes.

I can get it now.

Our deal with Kira
is for 30 fucking coders.

Where in the hell are
we gonna put them?

Well, I suppose we could put
three more workstations here,

and then two more over there.

It'd be crowded but cozy.

They'll be all holed up together
like the Branch Davidians.

Yeah, but, I mean, are we sure
this is the right thing to do?

I mean, I don't want to
crowd the stallions.

Are we sure taking on all 30 of
Kira's guys is the right move?

We can get up and running.
They all know each other,

so we won't have to play
the name game.

Yeah.

Ron, hello. Hey, buddy.
Hang on just a second.

No, the... the exit is...
the exit is the other way.

God damn it. Um, Richie, you
know a guy named "Jee-Ann"?

Jan? Uh, no. Well, I know a "Jan
the Man," but she's a woman.

Look, did you... did you talk
to the Optimoji board yet?

Uh, did we close the deal?

Uh, well, a deal closed. Another
bidder came in with a better offer,

- so they went with them.
- What?

Was it Gavin fucking Belson again?

No,
it was a new company.

Real smart, clever name.

Sort of a pun
that rhymes.

Oh, hello, dickheads.

I hope I'm not
interrupting your plotting,

you sneaky little dinks.

Kira, you and I had
a deal, okay?

So fuck you, fuck you,
and fuck you!

What did he say?

Not you.
Just e... everyone.

I meant fuck all of you.
No one specific.

Richard, you low-balled me. Mmm?

Remember? Well, Duncan here said
he wanted to grow fast as balls.

He said he was psyched.
Yeah, I am psyched.

I'd hire a million people
if I could.

See, if I have to sell my
company, I might as well sell it

to the CEO who
actually wants all of us.

It's pizza, Kira.

Richard, we're just three CEOs
trying to do right by our companies.

Okay, you know what?
I'm glad you turned us down,

because I don't want
to work with anyone

who wants to work
with this... meathead.

I'm taking these.
I'm taking all of them.

Maybe just take one. You have
like four employees. Richard: Ha!

Ah, shit.

Throw it away.

Patrice, I'd like to welcome
you back to the Hooli family.

It's wonderful
to be back, Gavin.

Sadly, the timing
couldn't be worse.

Those code-monkeys I just hired
were right about one thing:

Making Jack's box the flagship
product of this company

will send us down a path
to technological irrelevance

from which
we will never return.

But in light of the time
and resources

we've invested
in this product,

convincing the board
and our shareholders

to simply scrap it
will be nearly impossible.

Our company is too big
to turn around that quickly.

Gavin, what if you launched a new
product to help us correct course?

Absolutely. Look at all the products
you've brought to market over the years.

Hmm. True.

I did invent the HooliPod and the
HooliPad and the HooliPad Pro,

but a man only has so many
game-changing inventions in him.

And technically, all the products
he just named were money-losers.

I mean, you could argue
we'd have been better off

if he'd never invented
any of that stuff.

- Hoover.
- Sir.

Patrice, can I talk to you
outside for a second?

Anyway, if Jack Barker's insidious
box is allowed to go to market,

we may all lose our jobs.

We may all go
the way of Patrice.

But we must fight it.
We cannot sacrifice

our long-term wellbeing in the interest
of paltry, short-term profits.

Well, they're not paltry, exactly.

Did you not see the preorder
figures for the Box Two?

They came in this morning.

Holy shit.

Are these right?
How many quarters is this?

Just one.
The Box Two will be by far

the most lucrative new product
we've ever released.

Fucking Sliceline.

Plus his fancy, hi-tech pizza
tastes just like Domino's.

There's a reason for that.
Check out the liner.

Oh yeah. I guess
that's Domino's.

We never had pizza
'cause my step-mom said

Italians aren't
real white people.

Hold on. Duncan doesn't
even make his own pizza?

He just orders it
from Domino's

and switches the boxes?

He really is sneaky.

It's not sneaky.
It's stupid.

Switching boxes costs
a lot of money.

Okay. How do you know?

I need to prove
Errich's dead,

so I want to ship
a dead body from China,

but it's hard to find
a white body in China,

especially fat
like Errich,

so I buy a fat,
white cadaver

from Cincinnati
medical school.

But to ship to China,
then switch box,

then ship back,
it's way too much money.

Say that again.

Like, not one word
of that made sense.

Hold on. Just... ju...
what... uh...

does anyone... does anyone know
the price of a Domino's pizza?

A large, 10 bucks.

Okay, well, Sliceline
sells theirs for nine.

So? So,
we're not fucked yet.

That was kinda crazy, Richard.
That was...

I mean, you
threw a full-on tantrum.

I know, I know.
I am so sorry.

It's just... I guess I'm just a CEO
trying to do right by my company.

Like you guys.

Speaking of business, wow, we're
having a hell of a night.

Yeah, well, I would know.

About 500 of those orders
tonight are me.

Oh. Richard, you really
didn't have to do that.

But the peace offering
is super appreciated.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't really
call it a peace offering.

You see, Duncan, you took
eight mil in funding, right?

And then you matched my offer to
acquire Optimoji here from Kira,

but the thing is,
you can't sell your pizzas

for nine bucks a pop without
taking a bath, can you?

The reboxing,
the double delivery, ugh.

You lose, what,
four bucks an order?

Five, actually.

We're losing five bucks a pizza?
Yeah.

Only temporarily. So, her
team is gonna optimize

our order routing and allocation, and
then we'll be cash-flow positive.

We can easily
turn it around

before we run out of money.
Right.

Yeah.
Unless a lot of people

buy your pizza
very quickly.

What are...
what are you doing?

Well, Duncan,
I can be a dickhead too.

You see, I have $13 million
in my bank account

and a very low payroll, which affords
me to buy a lot of tasty 'za

before you can
turn it around.

You're trying
to bankrupt us?

No, Kira. I'm simply trying
to devalue your company,

so that I can make
a low-ball acquisition offer

which you cannot refuse.

Richard, I'm just gonna
delete your account.

You see, my engineers
already thought of that,

and they worked up
a little botnet program.

Thousands of fake users
indistinguishable from real ones

geolocated perfectly
to maximize drive time

and bleed your little
greasebag operation dry.

You know, I may not
have that many coders,

but the ones I do
are stallions,

each one more magnificent
than the last.

You spent
$19,000 on pizza?

No, $19,000 on vengeance.

You're acquiring Sliceline
who already acquired Optimoji?

Richard, you're talking
about absorbing a staff of 50.

How are you gonna
spin this to Laurie?

Well, you said you'd
protect me from Laurie.

I mean, she's your partner.
Are you afraid of her?

Of course
I'm afraid of her.

The woman got pregnant
just to prove to me

that she could do it without
missing a day of work.

Okay, fair enough, but maybe this
one time you could take my side.

I cannot take your side. You're
asking for 50 employees.

Think of the...
Sorry I am late.

Hey, Laurie.
Did you, uh...

Induce?
Yes, this morning...

and here I am.

So, Richard,

I received your email.

I understand you wish to acquire
a company called... Sliceline,

which themselves recently acquired
a company called Optimoji.

Yes, and I will be firing
both companies' CEOs

and taking on a total engineering
team of about, uh, 50.

Fifty?

Monica, you are
okay with this?

Well, it shortens
their runway significantly,

but you did say that you
want them to grow, Laurie.

Yes, but in this case
it seems...

reckless.

However, if you are
on top of it,

Monica, then...

approved.

Congratulations.

Great. Thanks.
And congratulations to you too.

On?

On the... on your...
on your baby.

Oh.

This is awesome. Gavin is
essentially doubling-down

on the very thing
we are destroying.

It's like he's giving up.

Maybe I should've ordered
the nicer Tesla.

Ah.

Oh gosh.
Everyone's here.

Richard.
So many people.

Richard.

Hey. Hey.

I thought you'd want to give
some opening remarks,

you know, it being
the first day and all,

just to set the tone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hendricks!

Um...

Um...

Well, it's
great to have everybody

and... so many... f... faces.

We've got a lot of...
men and women here.

And...

we should remember that.

So, let's keep it clean.

Um...

it's always a challenge...

to get it...

I've got... I should probably...
more to say in a minute.

I just have to go, one...
one second, in my office...

and then we'll conclude.

Uh, he just needs a second in his
office, then he's gonna come back.

Oh God.

Don't tell anyone, okay?

Um, Richard, I know...
I know money's tight,

but I think I might invest in a
modesty panel for your desk.

What?