Original subtitles

Hello, Internet, it's your friend Nicole over here with an insane announcement.

MacKenzie Bezos, 48 and looking good, made headlines this week,

when she announced that she was joining The Giving Pledge,

donating $15 billion, that's billion with a "B," to 15 lucky winners.

- What? - If I had $15 billion dollars,

I'd probably just make it rain on millionaires.

"I'm sorry you're so poor."

Make millionaires feel broke.

All you have to do to enter is text the numbers nine-eight-three-seven-six

to the numbers below.

So far, it's reported that 2.6 billion people have already entered via text.

- Damn! - I'm one of them.

I mean, I hope you win, but I hope I win more.

Good luck to everybody entering and may the odds be ever in your favor.

I think I've heard that somewhere before.

Whatever, I'll coin it. It's mine now, it's mine now.

Like the billion dollars. Billion dollars!

What would I even do with a billion dollars?

I'd buy all the pools and all the pool boys.

You know, I bet they created one of those deceptive algorithm codes

that prevents Black text messages from winning that billion dollars.

Stop, baby, be quiet. I have five more minutes to sleep.

Shut up.

Get up and clean up.

You know, God just needs to send me a new girlfriend,

maybe like one or two, or three or four.

Maybe a Puerto Rican, a Haitian, and four Africans.

Yeah, you know, maybe one from Somalia,

Ethiopia and then four Nigerians...

and a white girl.

Oh!

Fuck my life.

Like a billion dollars.

What would I even do with a billion dollars?

What?

What are you doing?

Why are you just sitting out here on your phone?

Nora, I'm thinking.

Oh, you're thinking.

All right, well, thank you, Jesus.

You're answering my prayers. Thank you.

- Excuse me. - Oh.

Nora...

we really need some serious money

coming through this house.

Oh, we really need some serious money in this house, huh?

- Yes. - Well, why don't you at least try to match my pay grade?

I'm not talking about a couple of thousand dollars a month, Nora.

Oh, don't you sound all bad

like you about to go rob a bank?

Hmm.

Look, I know you freak out when you're faced with hard work.

You're quite the motivator.

You're late for work. It's 9:30, Kareem.

You're supposed to be at work at 8:00.

Like, why are you complaining, though,

and you don't go to work on time?

And as a matter of fact,

you never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever go to work on time.

Nora, the only people who are up at 8:00 in the morning

purchasing furniture are old-ass senior citizens

purchasing those cheap-ass $99 rocking chairs.

And you know I don't make no real money off that.

So I ain't going to work on time.

Hmm.

You know, you can be very, very negative at times?

Well, I have a savings account.

Yeah.

So? Ain't nothing in it but like three-four dollars and some change.

Whatever.

How much you got in there for real?

Negative $15. But I needed some eyelashes.

Yeah.

Well, see you later.

- Bye. Bye, boy. - All righty.

- Go to work, you're late. - Yeah, yeah.

Nice ass.

Here's his write-up, sir.

Why are you always writing me up?

Why are you always late? Why are you late again?

Because he told on me, again.

No, it's because you're irresponsible.

See how lame your lead nerd manager is

spewing out all these racial stereotypes.

Here's his monthly report, sir.

Thank you, uh, Peter.

Oh, heavens to Murgatroyd, you're late again?

I mean, 42 times?

- Kareem! - Forty-two times?

Okay... How is that even possible?

There are not even that many days in the month.

Clearly, he's making this up, Darryl.

Darryl?

You call him Mr. Johnson, Kareem.

Thank you, thank you, Peter.

Thank you.

My brother.

Brother, is there any way you and I can discuss this as brothers

without the white man in our business?

No, no. Can you... Can you explain why you're always late?

Can you do that?

That's a very racist question for you to ask me,

but since you want to know so bad,

Nora don't be waking me up in time. But the real reason...

- What? - ...is because of AIR.

- Air? - Air.

What are you talking about?

American institutional racism.

Here we go, playing the race card.

The news said this would happen.

What, your white clock doesn't wake you up on time?

Exactly. You see, that's why I don't enjoy coming here,

because of all the bigotry and prejudices that I have to endure.

Every time I show up, it's like I'm forced to go to the back of the bus.

That is absurd.

This is an African American-owned company.

He's your brother, and I don't mean like "brotha."

I mean, he's literally your brother.

You guys have the same mother and the same fa...

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa...

Y'all mama, too, got the same baby daddy, right?

I present institutional racism in the flesh.

You know what, I'm sick of your BS.

Okay, I can smell it way over here.

All right? This is your last chance, Kareem. There's nothing to say, okay?

And yes, Peter, we have the same father.

Which makes me wonder, what, what happened to you?

This is your last chance, I swear.

Bring your Black ass in here late one more time, you're fired.

Are we clear?

Please get out of my office.

You know, you keep howling at me like that,

you're gonna raise your cholesterol.

What, I... Don't worry about my cholesterol.

Worry about Nora waking you up on time.

Offices usually have doors to exit out of, but...

- Get out of here. - It's your office.

Thank you, Peter. I'm document... Put that on the report.

- Can you believe, accusations... - Put extra words...

- Put extra words on there. - Accusations of racism.

I voted for Obama.

Johnson Furniture Store.

Hey, y'all carry cell phones?

Do we carry cell phones?

Who did you just call?

Um, is this Johnson's Furniture Store?

What type of goofy-ass person calls a furniture store and asks if they carry cell phones?

Excuse me?

Excuse me. What type of goof-ass person

calls a furniture store and asks if they carry cell phones?

Uh-uh, hold on, wait a minute. Let me get your manager.

And I need your name and your badge number.

Hello, my name is Peter,

and I'm the only white guy who works here.

I'm a skinny, goofy, crooked-toothed, lame-ass white boy.

Is there anything else you'd like to know?

You know what? Uh-uh.

I gonna have my boyfriend Tyrone come down there and beat your ass, Peter Parker.

Tyrone? I'm sure he just got out of the joint.

Well, listen, you tell Tyrone that Peter...

Again, that's Peter, said that, "I will beat his black ass

"from here all the way back to Attica or Africa,

"and I'll be here waiting on him. Shalom."

Sha...

Shalom, my ass.

Tyrone.

Kareem.

Check it out real quick, Peter.

Ay.

Truce?

What do you want, Kareem?

So...

A guy named Tyrone is gonna be coming through a little later

to pick up a dining room, bathroom and kitchen set.

But I'm gonna be on my lunch break.

You mind knocking that out for me?

Sure, yeah.

Thanks, man.

I do have a question for you, though.

How does one go about making...

white people money?

What kind of half-witted question is that?

You white, right?

No, I'm Puerto Rican.

Okay, Petey Pablo,

how does one go about making white people money?

Okay, I'll play your game.

What is white people money?

Affluence, wealth, prosperity.

See, white people money means no problems.

Get-out-of-jail-free card.

You get pulled over by the cops, you get to say things like,

"Why the hell did you pull me over, you son of a bitch?

"Now, why don't you go take a honeybun, stick it up your noodle nose

"and watch it come out through your ears," and drive off alive.

I need white people money.

That... That has nothing to do with money.

That's white privilege.

Black people have privilege, too.

Shit, like what?

Well, like, you get to call white people racist names,

and you get to say the N-word.

I will no longer entertain this ignorance.

What you doing?

If you do find white people money,

please let me know.

You were two minutes late coming back from work yesterday.

And...

you know, you say some of the most racist things

I've ever heard in my entire life.

It's African Americans like you that make Obama look bad.

Excuse me, sonny, where can I find the rocking chairs?

Hello.

I mean...

Johnson Furniture Company.

Where's Peter Parker?

Hello. I'm calling you. Your food is gonna get cold.

Kareem Malik Johnson!

Girl, what is wrong with you?

- What is you hollering your breath in my ear for? - What are you doing?

Nora, sit.

- You don't tell me what to do. - Sit down.

Something has been itching at me all week long.

Well, that's because when you take a shower,

you're supposed to use a towel and soap, so.

Sorry, baby, you walked into that one.

- I'm serious. Now hear me out. - Okay.

The secret to solving our problems

is that we need white people money.

Look, now I'm starting to see why your momma and daddy,

changed the locks on you when you moved out. 'Cause you're delusional.

Nora, we need white people money.

Now, just... Just hear me out.

All right, I'm listening, Negro Buffet.

So, you're not happy, I'm not happy.

No, I'm happy, you're not happy.

You ate a whole gallon of Cap'n Crunch ice cream

the other day while watching the whole rerun of Girlfriends.

That's because I'm happy.

Now, let's hear what you have to say.

Could you, like, just stop being mean for two seconds,

I'm trying to tell you this is going to work.

Yes, I will, when one of your ideas

actually pan out and are successful.

Now, let's hear this plan

about how you're gonna get all this white people money,

Mr. Money Is The Key To Happiness.

And you know what? I always prayed for a man like James Evans.

You know, he lived in the projects and he was still happy.

James Evans was miserable.

All he did was scream and howl at those kids.

Now, Cliff Huxtable was happy.

So the Cosbys had white people money?

Laxative mouth! Listen.

Do you know who MacKenzie Bezos is?

Sounds pretty familiar, but no.

That's exactly why you don't have any white people money.

Well, apparently, you two have become BFFs,

and you don't even have black people money.

Hmm.

Do you know who Jeff Bezos is?

Are you really asking me if I'm cheating on you?

I don't know no Jeffs.

You don't know who Jeff Bezos is?

I said no.

God damn, you dumb.

Your mama.

It's gonna be impossible to get white people money

- with a woman like you backing me up. - Backing you up?

Hold up.

This Grand Theft Auto playing Negro

- just say, "backing him up"? - That's a knockout.

First of all, I don't back nobody up

who I have to split bills with.

Do you know who Cardi B is?

Ah, of course I know who Cardi B is.

I mean, who don't know who Cardi B is?

My God, I knew I should've left your ass in the projects when they was demolishing 'em.

Jeff Bezos is the founder of Amazon.

He's worth over $100 billion.

Well, why didn't you just say that?

I want to hear more about it, but if I find out

that you had that man for ransom money,

I'm gonna tell your mama on that one.

Jeff and MacKenzie are now divorced.

Oh, so she probably got half, huh?

- Right, exactly, so... - Cha-ching.

- As of now... - Mm-hmm.

...she's giving away $15 billion.

Just asking people to text a particular number

and she's going to give away $15 billion to each winner.

Okay, Black people always wishing for luck.

Like, that doesn't make no sense.

So, I was thinking I should send a text message to that number

before you came and rudely interrupted me

with all of that negative energy.

So, why haven't you?

Because I wanted to check it out to make sure it was legit,

and, baby I did, and I'm telling you,

it is the real deal.

And of course I... I didn't...

want to risk anybody hacking into my bank account

to try to rip me off or anything like that, you know.

Trust me, if a scammer looked into your bank account,

they would definitely set up a GoFundMe page for you.

I mean, do you actually think this woman is gonna give away $15 billion to 15 people

and all you have to do is send out a text?

- Yes. - Are you serious?

- Yes. - Why are you so gullible?

Oh, my God. You are the most gullible guy I have ever dated in my entire life.

You are not like James Evans. You are not like Carl Winslow.

You are not like Cliff Huxtable, and you are definitely not like Philip Banks.

You know who you're like?

You're like, um, Ben Stiller in The Waterboy.

That's who you're like.

- That was Adam Sandler. - Same white boys.

So life gonna keep whaling on me, right?

Having me always broke.

Think we might...

Oh, my God. Baby, it's 5:00 a.m. What are you doing?

Baby, this is me focusing.

This is me willing into existence

my billion dollars.

That's why I need some...

Get me my money.

Don't matter how long it takes.

- I'm gonna beat up all day. - Okay, but, did you send the text?

- Did you send it? - Did I send it?

Can you help me take this off please? Thank you.

But you sent the text, right?

Baby, I sent that text over a week ago,

and I must tell you...

All of this waiting has aged me for at least 20 years.

You see, that's why I'm just trying to... Hmm.

- Okay, calm down, baby. - Hmm, hmm.

Baby, calm down.

It's okay, just breathe.

I'm here for you.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Right.

We just gotta...

refocus your mind, you know, and just,

start thinking thoughts like,

if you did win this billion dollars,

what would you do with it?

- If I did win a billion dollars... If I did. - Right? Yeah.

That's a good question.

Hmm, what would I do?

Let's make this quick. So, as we agreed, here's 300K.

She works downtown at the Diamond Shoe Store.

She usually takes her lunch break around 2:00.

But I know for a fact she gets off at 9:00.

Just make that shit clean, all right? Y'all be smooth.

Oh, baby, I will buy you the biggest house that money could possibly buy.

- Are you serious? - I'm so serious.

Oh, baby.

- Hey? Yes. - What?

Baby...

What would you do?

- What would I do? - Yeah?

Um, I don't know.

Uh, you and I, we would sail all over the world.

You know? Ooh, making love all day,

eating fresh fruits and vegetables and fish right out the ocean.

We would be living our best life.

No. Like, seriously, what would you really do?

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Okay, you go first.

Shit, I'd probably have your ass whacked.

Yeah, I'd be on a island with a Idris Elba-type.

Mm. Yeah, I figured that.

But, baby, if we had white people money,

it would be amazing!

- See, baby, you're seeing my vision, baby. - Yes, I do.

- Right? - I really, really do. I do.

Yes, and I just have to focus my mind, you know.

Just positive thinking. Just...

Positive. Yeah, right.

Like, we take all of the negative energy, right,

we put it here in our hands, ball it up.

Help me ball it up, help me ball it up,

- and we take it and we put it right in the open. Boom. - There it is.

- Now, the house is filled with positivity, right? - Okay.

- I feel it. - I feel it.

- Ooh. - I feel it.

- Oh, I love you, boy. - I love you, too, baby.

All this positive thinking

has me wanting to make love right now.

Oh, yeah? Right now, right now?

All sweaty.

So, let's go upstairs so I can ha, ha, ha, ha.

Come here, I'll give it to you right now.

Now, yes, give it to me. Oh, yes, yes, yes. So good, um...

Ooh. No, no, no, no...

No, no, no, I got you, I got you, I got you.

- Baby. Oh, man. - Aw...

This is Kareem Malik Johnson.

Y'all not playing with me, right?

Who is it?

Who is it?

Okay, so, um, what do I have to do?

Oh, shi... Okay. I'm on my way right now.

I was just about to give my girl that thing.

Thank you. Okay, so, listen, y'all not going nowhere, right?

I'm on my way right now. Y'all are not going nowhere?

Okay, wait, I don't wanna be on nobody's news.

Any way y'all could cash out me the billion dollars?

Oh, my God!

No. Okay, uh, QuickPay.

Shh...

Any way you can send somebody over with the paperwork to my apartment?

Sending somebody?

Ah, thank you...

- What, what what... what did they say? - Whoo! Baby...

- Yes? Yes? Yes? - We are billionaires!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

- We're rich, we're rich. - We're rich.

- Okay, don't lie to me, don't lie to me. - I ain't lying.

- Don't lie to me. - I ain't lying. I ain't lying.

Okay, look me in my eyes, tell me that we are...

Baby, we are billionaires!

Oh, my mama! Oh, my mama!

Baby, I love you, oh, my God!

- Hey, hey, hey... - What? What?

Billionaire, billionaire, billionaire, billionaire, go!

- Oh, we gotta do this. Hell no, we gotta do this. - Give it to me.

- Give it to me right now. - Come on, right now.

- From the side, from the side. - Get it!

From the side. Hell yeah. All right, just give me a second. You ready?

- Oh, my God, we're doing it. Ah! - Yes!

Oh...

Do you know what time it is?

I don't know.

- Been out here for at least 30 minutes. - Oh.

Do you think they really gonna come?

Look, all I know is I can't wait to tell my mama and daddy.

And when I get to work today, I'm 'bout to fire myself

because these jobs, they work us too hard anyway, right?

Eh... You see? That's why I asked them to come here.

No one can ever know about this money.

Why?

Because Black people be begging.

The moment we let the cat out the bag that we're billionaires,

you're gonna have blocks and blocks of people

lined up with their hands out like cups.

I can already hear my mama right now

begging me to buy her pastor that new Bentley,

and your daddy begging me to buy him them false-ass teeth he been praying to Jesus for.

Okay, so, you not gonna get your mama nothing?

I mean, shit, I'm gonna get her a little something,

but you know my momma ain't like me in years,

ever since I stole that weed out her purse.

Okay, well, I'm buying my mama and daddy

and getting them out the hood with my half.

Yes, I am.

Wait, your half?

Yeah, baby, we fifty-fifty.

Okay, listen.

We're gonna keep this place as our decoy.

But we are gonna buy a mansion that no one,

and I do mean no one can know about.

Not our mamas, daddies, cousins,

uncles, aunties, friends,

co-workers, enemies, etcetera, etcetera.

As far as they know, this is where we live.

Baby, we're billionaires,

and it is important for us to hide that from the rest of the world

or we will be broke. Do you understand?

No.

What is the point of being a billionaire if nobody knows?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay...

To keep our money.

Look at me.

Baby, look at me.

Do you trust me?

I mean, since I willed us a billion dollars, do you trust me?

Yeah, I guess. I do.

All right, so, when do we move into this mansion,

and how often can we stay there?

Everyday.

Baby, this place is our decoy.

When people come to visit us, they come here.

No one can ever know about this money.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay? Right.

- I get it. - All right.

- No one. - All right.

Where the fuck is this man at?

Man...

Oh, my Gosh, Just out here waiting.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

Wait. Is that them? Right there.

Oh, shit, baby, it is.

- Yeah, he pulling up, he pulling up. - Oh, my God!

- Cool, baby, calm down. - How's my hair? How's my hair?

- Fantastic, okay? - Okay.

- He's coming. Should we smile? - Oh, yeah, smile.

- Smile, cheese? Okay, come on, let's cheese. - Mm-hmm.

- Wave. Should we wave? Atta wave. - Wave.

- Act natural - Natural.

- Guys. - Hey!

Hey. Nora, Kareem, I take it?

- Yes, yes. - Hi.

Hi, I'm Brandon. Brandon Amos.

- How're you doing, Brandon? - Not to be confused with Famous Amos.

Oh.

I loved those cookies. Boy, when they were black-owned...

- Anyway... - Indeed.

Uh, I'm here to get your paperwork and get you guys paid out.

- All right. - Yeah, and, um...

Yeah, take care of that business,

and then you guys will be rich!

- Ooh. - Yeah.

- Yes. - So let me hold the envelope on this side

and you can hand it right over to me.

- Whatever. I don't... - Yeah, yeah, yeah you can just...

You know, who knows who runs the household?

You know what, this is what I'd do.

I'd just snatch that right out your hand. How about right there?

Okay, let me just...

stare at it in the sun one time.

Oh, yeah. That's a beautiful...

It's all there. I assure you.

In fact, can I get a selfie? You guys mind?

Uh, yeah, that should be fine.

We just don't want to end up, on, like, the media and the news,

like Fox, CNN, ABC, and all that funny business.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it, 'cause you know, Black people be begging.

See?

All right, I do want to tell you, though, that the Black dollar

only circulates, like, six hours in a community. So I...

I fully expect you two Negroes to be right back on the unemployment line soon.

Come on, let's get this photo.

All right.

Where we going? To the mansion.

Hey, guess what? I want you...

Ey! Ey! Do I look...

Oh, I'm so excited we bought this house.

- Look at us, baby. - Thank you, baby.

Baby, this is...

Baby?

No.

Now, why did I have to learn

that you guys are billionaires

via social media?

I only need $500 million. It's for the store.

Don't worry.

I have made you a partner.

Congratulations.

Let's hear it, everyone.

You know, Pastor is expecting that new Bentley.

I just want an island.

Now I can get the teeth I prayed to Jesus for.

I just want a pair of LeBrons.

Come on, come on, let's go.

Driver, come on, push it.

Come on, push it. Push it.

Load it, bro, come on, fly.

Go upstairs right now.

And clean from under the bed so we can hide under there, okay? Do that right now.

I just don't believe he posted our winnings on social media.

- That's crazy. - Man, shit. I know.

I'm gonna need some of that bread to get his ass whacked.

- I just hope they ain't following. - Right?

Ooh, yes, yes, look, yes! Let me see that.

- What? What? - Let me see that. Let me see.

That's all I need. Now they really can't get in.

Fool, that is my water bottle.

Like, it doesn't have enough weight to stop them from getting in.

They don't know that.

- That's not gonna do nothing. - But you...

- Look... - What?

What?

- So... - Yes?

We damn near need to leave the country.

Ooh, that's a good thing.

Like, somewhere like Paris, you know.

Like... Ooh, oui, oui, bonjour.

- You know? - No.

You can go to Paris. I'm taking my ass to Africa.

Why everybody always want to skip over Africa?

Baby...

The hairs on my arm are standing up and you know...

when the hairs on my arm come to attention,

that means danger is lurking.

- Baby. - Yeah, baby?

Why does it feel like there are two robbers wearing masks

literally lurking behind us?

Because they are, baby.

Oh, God!

Oh, fuck, they all got niggas teleporting through the atmosphere.

How the fuck did y'all get in here?

I am warning you, I know triple, double, black belt,

backward kick with a side of shrimp fried rice.

- She will... - Don't play with me.

Good. We have guns and we'll shoot you,

and the bullets will turn you both into egg fu young.

Shit, they ain't playing, baby.

Peter, I've got to get my hands on at least $500 million of that money.

I have to keep the lights on in here,

or literally, my wife will lynch me.

Do not tell anyone that. That is between you and I.

Oh, all right, well, how are we supposed to do that?

That is why I pay you, Peter,

to tap into the white excellence of your mind.

You are my triple C,

my Caucasian cataclysmic climax.

I need your ideas, Peter.

Wait a minute.

I have it.

We are gonna make them a soul food meal and take it to their apartment.

Better yet.

We'll invite them over because I'm not gonna subject my wife

to the cockroaches those Blacks have.

As aa matter of fact, have them decon before they come in the house

because they may have some in their shoes.

Then, I am gonna have my wife prepare

the most amazing soul food meal in the history of soul food meals

no Black person would ever be able to resist.

I am talking about fried chicken.

Mm, delicious.

Corn bread and collard greens.

Jesus take the wheel.

Black-eyed peas.

Oh, I'm bringing the hot sauce, baby.

Yams, cabbage,

chitterlings that make you shake, baby,

shake, baby, your butt stink!

- This is brilliant, Darryl. - Yes!

You're a genius. I see what you're doing, and this is freaking genius.

Oh, Peter, when you see brilliance,

you recognize it and you're like "Calgon, take me away!"

You see where I'm going with this.

Oh, I see where you're going with this.

You're going to assassinate both of them

by giving them a heart attack.

It's brilliant.

Nothing kills Black people more than soul food and the police.

What?

Nothing kills Black people more than soul food and the police?

No. Peter, walk with me.

Sorry, but you are planning an insurance scam, right?

No insurance scams, Peter. You want to get written up?

- No, I don't... - Close it. Right?

That all I need you to do.

I... I am the brilliant one.

I. Thank you.

Walk with me to excellence. Ha!

Peter, Peter.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Now, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,

where's the peck that Peter Piper picked?

Never mind, Peter.

What I'm trying to get you to understand

is that Black people do not kill one another for insurance money.

Well, all I'm saying is my auntie has been married, like, six times

and she's knocked off each one of her husbands for the insurance money,

and no one has questioned her about a thing.

- Are you serious, Peter? - What's your plan?

I am gonna kill them with sweet, sincere kindness.

I'm gonna have my wife prepare the soul food meal.

Like ASAP, huh.

Yes, yes, the things we do as entrepreneurs.

Hello, my queen. Yes, darling. My Snow White.

I need a favor.

I need for you to prepare the absolute best soul food meal you have prepared in your life,

and I need it done by 5:00.

Well, let's just say we're having guests.

Yes. No, sweetie, come on.

I'm highly allergic to cockroaches.

There's no way I'm gonna put you through that,

have them Blacks bring those freaking roaches over, no.

Come on. Come on.

Yes, do me a favor.

Have the seven dwarves help you.

All right? Yes, yes, yes.

Wear your daishiki.

Best one you got, okay?

If you need I can bring you another.

Look good. Okay, love you. Okay, bye.

I just want some red bones.

Neck bones, Peter.

- Neck bones. - Neck bones.

- Those, yep. - Okay, get it right.

Get it right. Come on.

- I have a question. - Please.

- What are chitlins? - Chitterlings.

Chitterlings. Chitterlings.

Chitter, chitter, chitterlings.

And Black people say "chitlins" sometimes.

But really, it's pronunciated

and... and... and spelled chit... chitter... chitterlings.

Chitterlings.

No. Just forget it, Peter.

Just... Oh, my God.

- Baby... - Yeah, baby?

They're gonna kill us.

Because they're showing us their faces?

Oh, no.

Listen, okay, we gotta pray.

- We just need to pray. - Pray?

- Let's pray, let's pray. - Let's pray.

Shabaka, Shabaka, Shabaka.

Oh, God! Jesus.

I have been such a good Christian.

- Yes, Lord. - Please don't make me die like this.

You know what? Just take Kareem,

'cause I never see him talk to you anyway, you know.

- In the name of Yeshua... - What?

Amen.

Yeshua, Yeshua, Shabaka, Shabaka.

Put your hands up.

We took off our masks because we want our faces

to be shown on this TV show, too.

- This ain't all about y'all. - (MOUTHS) Hi, Mom!

- My mama... - You!

Okay, obviously, you guys are not fucking around,

so my mama be here in an hour to pick up some squares and some bread.

And she told me I couldn't have any company, so...

I'm gonna need y'all to leave,

so y'all don't get me in trouble.

Sit!

Come on, man, you gonna get me in trouble, bro.

She be whooping me with extension cords...

Shut your mouth before I put a bullet in it.

I'm calling DCFS on both of them.

Yeah, can I make a suggestion?

- What? - Yeah.

Just... just a suggestion. Here...

You know, 'cause I wanna show them...

I used to dibble and dabble a little acting, you know,

and, um, when you say that line,

"Shut up before I put a bullet in it"?

Yeah, that one right there.

I would put some more Blaxploitation on it.

- What the fuck? - A little more twang.

Okay, let me show you. Let me show you.

- Give me the gun. - Okay.

Uh, no, are you crazy?

I'm gonna give it back.

Give it to me...

- Okay... - Stop! Stop pointing the gun at me.

- Baby, it is acting. - It's a real gun.

- Oh, my gosh, don't be so... - Stop! Come on!

Okay, now let me demonstrate that line.

Shut up, uh, before I put a bullet in it,

you jive turkey.

Give me back my damn gun.

Ooh!

Okay. Be careful. I am delicate, and there are no stunt doubles over here.

How come you ain't just hand me the gun?

Well, because I told her I was gonna give it back to her.

I mean, what, you trying to sit here and make me out to be a liar

after we just prayed together?

You know, you going to hell, Kareem.

So what do y'all want from us?

What do we want?

- We want white people money. - Right.

And you won it.

Now, don't I look real scary?

- Yeah, you look really scary. - You look like...

You look like you live with your mama.

...you work at a gas station, actually.

I do still live with my mumma.

But if I had white people money, I wouldn't.

Now, we're not greedy.

We know y'all have a little under a billion

because y'all... Y'all had to move everyone out the hood.

So we just want ten million to split between us.

Mm-hmm.

This man just went from sounding like Saddam Hussein to fucking Tom Brady.

I'm confused.

Are you from Benghazi or Deerfield, Illinois?

And what are y'all gonna do with $10 million?

To split.

I'm gonna use it to move back to my country.

Back to your country?

Which is what?

Afghanistan.

"Afghanistan."

US done messed them over so much, bro.

You could probably get the whole country for about $9.99 at a discount price.

Exactly.

But don't I look real scary?

Okay, why do you guys keep asking if you look scary?

- Yeah. - I mean, yes, okay, you have guns.

We're not used to that.

So, yes, you both look very scary with those guns.

He keeps asking doesn't he look scary

because he put a lot of dark eyeliner on his eyes

to look like how Hollywood portrays "terrorists"

in all their movies.

So don't I look scary?

You look like you work at a gas station,

- and you might as well just shoot Nora right now. - What?

'Cause I'm not giving up $10 million.

"A gas station"? You're stereotyping me?

I should shoot the black off your face.

Don't shoot him yet, Jermaine.

Wait, hold on.

Hold on one cotton-picking minute.

What is your name?

- Jermaine... - Right?

Oh, like Jermaine Jackson?

Jermaine Jefferson.

Leave me alone.

Now, who makes the money decisions around this beast?

Is it Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemimah without the do-rag?

- Oh. - Hey, man, that's some racist-ass shit.

- That's for the gas station joke. - That was racist.

Now, what do we have to do to get our fair share of this white people money.

Do I have to shoot you in your leg

or do I have to kill your baby mama to show you I'm not playing.

Okay, look, you terrorist-looking,

uh, Hollywood man with a black name, whatever.

Okay.

The money is in my account,

so that line should be directed to me.

Hmm.

Do I need to shoot you in one of your legs

or do I kill your baby daddy to show you I'm not playing?

Yo, man, come on...

Well, we do have a billion dollars,

so if you killed him, I'll give you, like, $20 million.

Baby, shoot him right now. Shoot them now.

- Shoot him! - What?

Sorry, baby.

Whee-hee.

Mm, I smell soul food cooking already.

One for you and one for me.

Thank you, baby. Another one?

So I have this dope idea for an investment.

You're an American.

What's with the fake accent?

You know how Hollywood be doing us Middle Easterners.

Something about Muhammad-Ali-Ali-Baba- Yusuf-Ali-Yusuf accent.

You know, to appear more scary.

Oh.

So, are those real bullets in the gun or...

Yeah.

- We're still gonna rob you. - Hello.

- We just want our white people money. - Mm-hmm.

We're just taking a break to play a game of Spades.

Draw four.

- Draw four? - Draw four in a game of Spades?

- Never done that before, but... Okay. - Okay.

I'm sorry. This is, like, really, really bothering me.

Is that even, like, a real cigarette?

Is that even, like, her real hair?

- Yeah. - Ooh.

- This is Brazilian. High quality. - No, it's not.

- Top line. Top line. - Don't play with me.

So just let me ask, why not just submit your info for a chance to win?

He woke up late.

Oh, well, now we know how you got the name Jermaine.

"He woke up late."

You know, you are so pretty.

Yeah, like, how did you two hook up?

His dad owns the, uh, gas station over at Ashland,

and I was pumping my gas one day,

and then one pump led to another, led to another...

I'm the cashier there.

Draw six cards.

I knew I seen you somewhere before.

- Yeah. - Wait a minute.

Okay. Why are you out here robbing people

if your daddy owns a gas station?

I'm trying to come up on my own.

That's his money.

By robbing innocent people?

Brother, why you acting all self-righteous?

I just, um, thought Muslims were on the up and up.

Fool, who said I was a Muslim?

I'm Baptist.

My pastor's name is Little Leroy Brown.

Hallelujah. Draw 50.

You know, can I see your shoes?

I just want to see something. If I could see your shoes...

I just wanna check.

Oh, well, baby, he's not wearing golden sandals.

He's definitely not Jafar.

- Stop. - Yeah.

What is a Black person gonna do with a billion dollars but spend it all up?

Y'all get rich and don't even have sense enough

to invest it back in your own communities.

Y'all dip out to the 'burbs

and then cry about why you people

don't have something as simple as a grocery store.

Black people are too proud.

That part.

I'm gonna take that gun and kill you.

It's the truth, homey.

- I have a friend... - "Homey."

...who's black, and he won $10 million in the lotto.

This fool still be standing on the corner selling weed.

And get this. When he sees the po-po driving by,

he starts taking down the alley every single time.

I keep telling the fool that weed is now legal.

That's a colonized, programmed mind, my brother.

- He's... - That part.

Gin rummy.

- Look... - Gin...

I'm beating y'all in your own game.

I deserve that money because I know what to do with it.

I'm gonna use it to help my people.

We are gonna be living

♪ La vida loca ♪

Oh, so now you Mexican.

Ricky Martin is not Mexican.

Okay, um, you know what, just give us a second.

We're just gonna talk some things over.

- Be right back. - One second.

And this guy's talking 'bout he's not a Muslim.

And she's clearly a stripper.

I don't know. I don't know anything about these guys, but, um...

You gotta think of something, okay?

Okay. I got it.

- You do? - I got it?

- Good, baby. Go on. - Watch this. Thank you.

So...

We gonna need y'all to leave the guns on the table.

You think we're stupid?

Hands are up.

- Just make 'em crazy. - Baby, oh, my God!

I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out.

You know, I eat when I freak out.

No, 'cause I told you, you're unhappy.

Since you are unhappy with me, I'm gonna let them kill you...

- 'cause I'm not giving 'em $10 million. - What? Wait!

- That shit's dead. - You're gonna let them kill me over 10 million measly dollars?

Yes.

And I'm gonna hit your mama up in here

- and I'm gonna pay for the funeral, all of it. - What?

- That's cold. - I'm just...

How could you do that to me? You're not funny.

Baby, seriously, we gotta come up with a plan.

I know. I know. I know.

You got your cell phone on you? I left mine in the car.

What?

Come on. My phone is in my purse.

Okay, where is your purse?

In the front room.

Oh.

Oh.

I need that. I think somebody just...

What was that?

- We can just flush the idea right down. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

Baby! Duh.

While they're in the front room, why don't we just get up and leave out the back door?

Boom!

Smart.

- Okay. - I think we can.

- Okay, so you going in? - Yeah.

Why don't you go first? Yeah, that's a good idea. Go first.

- Okay. - Okay.

Baby, you know, what's ten million

minus a billion dollars. Right?

Hey?

So are you gonna give us the money

or have you decided who wants to die first?

Okay, if we decide, okay, to give you the money,

just promise you won't kill us.

- But you saw our faces. - Yep.

Dude, you look like every other gas attendant in America,

and she looks like every other stripper in the world.

"Stripper?"

Baby, he knows where I work. Now we gotta kill...

Wait a minute.

I recognize you.

You're that guy that slid that $100 bill between my...

No, no, I haven't been to a strip club in two weeks. On my mama.

- Give us the money or die. - Now!

You know...

I'm starting to catch on to you two.

The whole little, um...

- What's that word you say, babe? - Oh, modus operandi?

Mo...

- Yeah, your modus operandi. - Yeah.

You know, 'cause it's like, we literally were just all in the kitchen.

You know, we playing Spades. They eating our eggs

and all that shit, we having a good time,

then outta nowhere, all of a sudden, you just flip,

so it's like obviously, you two belong to each other,

- because they both have, like... - Definitely.

Baby, he calling us crazy.

Don't say that.

Baby, I'm gonna shoot them both now.

I'm gonna shoot you both in the face.

I'm gonna shoot you in the... In the arms.

In the legs.

I'm gonna shoot you in the hands.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna shoot you...

I'm going to shoot you in the eyelids.

I'm going to shoot you in the baby toe!

Yes! They must die!

Baby, where'd they go?

Them clowns are hiding behind the couch!

Come out from behind there now!

Now!

Yeah, he had to use the bathroom.

No. No.

No?

We just needed a moment to convene and figure out how

this situation could be a win-win for us all.

Right. Mm-hmm.

Win-win.

See, I watch a lot of Forensic Files right?

- And... - She does.

...your fingerprints and your DNA is all over this place.

So, you know, if you did kill us,

you wouldn't be able to spend all the money anyway.

Not a dime.

That's my Hollywood laugh

they give to all of us Middle Easterners "terrorists."

- This nigga crazy. - Damn.

- Okay. - Oh...

How was that, baby?

Hollywood to the T.

Do you all hear me?

You know, 'cause what I'm saying is real, like, you know,

your DNA is literally all over this place.

So let's deal with how you plan on getting out of that.

I mean, it's like, obviously, you guys didn't think this all the way out.

Uh, after we get the $20 million, we kill you.

And it'll be about 24 to 48 hours

before anyone discovers your bodies.

And by that time...

By that time, we'll be in Mozambique.

And Mozambique has no extradition treaty with America.

- Right, right, right, so I mean, it's like... - Pretty clever.

$20 million is a lot of money,

and if the two of us were to walk into a bank

and try to make a transfer that large to two idiots

who obviously don't even have a fucking pot to piss in,

I think it would just raise so many eyebrows, you know?

- So it's like... - Mm.

- How about we just give you $500? - Yeah.

- $500? - That's what I'm saying.

- Uh, I mean, it's cool. Come on, babe, get up. - Yeah. Great.

Obviously, you guys didn't think this part out,

like, you know, but it's fine,

because that's what you have me here for.

- I'm sorry, baby. - Us. I'm right here.

That's what you have us here for.

- So that being said... - Mm-hmm, yes.

- ...we're not going to call the FBI. - No, mm-mm.

But... we're gonna need y'all to run them bitches.

Okay, but just give us the $500.

- $500? Five? Five? Ah-ha! - Ah-ha!

- It worked, baby! - $500 this!

Put your hands up, huh. Run it!

How does it feel? You wanna go rob people, huh?

How does it feel when the tables have turned?

Run it, run it. Put your motherfucking hands up.

No, I will not.

Put your hands up, babe.

I'm gonna shoot you in your face if you don't put your hands up.

Yeah, shoot me.

Oh, okay. We got us a brave soul. A brave soul here.

How about this? I'm-a kill you

and cut all that curly little hair off your head,

- sell it to some hood chick... - Mm.

- ...and call it Remy Number Nine. - Number Nine, ooh!

Put your motherfucking hands up.

Shoot him.

- Yeah, shoot him. - Shoot him right now.

- Yeah, shoot me. - Baby, why don't you shoot him?

No, I mean, my parents sent me to Catholic school.

I can't shoot nobody. I shoot nobody.

True.

I might just put one in your leg because you're not listening.

It's gonna hurt a little bit,

but hey, I need you to put your fucking hands up.

Yeah, yeah, do you... Do you want me to roll up my pants leg for you?

Huh?

Shoot him in his ass.

- Shoot him in his ass? - Shoot him in his ass.

- Shoot him in his ass? - Yeah, shoot him.

- I'm gonna shoot him in his ass. - Yeah, why don't you just shoot me?

- Count to three in my head, and I'm gonna shoot you. - Yeah, yeah, shoot me.

- These motherfuckers are not real. - Oh! Get out of my crib!

Open the door, baby.

Get the fuck out of our crib.

Like, are we gonna keep running away from our problems,

or can we just live our best life?

'Cause we just ran away from, like, 50 people back at that mansion.

Yeah.

I was thinking a lot about what that crazy Jermaine was talking about.

- I mean, the guy's definitely a weirdo... - Definitely.

But I mean, he was making sense about some of the stuff he was talking about me, like...

Us as a Black people,

why can't we just build and create our own communities?

- You know? - Yeah.

What's stopping us from creating and building our own communities?

Us.

Exactly.

My brother did invite us over for dinner tomorrow night.

And what did you say?

Yes?

Oh, no.

- No. Come on, babe! Really? - I know, baby.

- I'm sorry. We're gonna be in and out, I promise. - Oh, no. No.

See, we were gonna have a good night. Move over.

Assalamu alaikum.

- Wow! Damn. Whoo. - Whoo!

I landed in this soul food with both my feet.

This is gonna be the best soul food meal you guys ever had

in your natural-born Black lives matter.

Yes. I'm telling you, man.

This pound cake is like, like, wham!

- Pound cake better than Grandma's. Yeah. - Huh.

Aw! You are so sweet!

- Give me a kiss. - Oh, Lord!

Now, don't press too hard. You know it smears my lip gloss.

- Yes. Can I have another one? - Look at that chicken.

Kissing you.

- Now, that was the perfect kiss. - Oh, my God.

- Mm, mm, mm. - Good time, baby.

- Okay. We got fried chicken... - Yeah.

...potato salad without the raisins.

I see the memes on Facebook,

and I know you guys hate raisins in your potato salad.

I made a collard greens,

corn bread...

- ...yams... - Yams!

- ...and chitlins. - Chitlins!

Now, how do you people eat that stuff?

- "You people?" - My entire house was funky.

Little stank. I was a little funky.

It was funky. Okay, Rachel Dolezal.

I see you, girl. Uh, what's that over there?

It's authentic soul food, my sister.

We're going green. Like, literally.

Green eggs and ham, let's do it, Sam.

But in your case, Kareem. Let's eat, baby.

Come on! You ready? Let's do it.

- All right. - Give me some, girl.

This is... Man, I love it.

I'm so excited. Wow!

- My big brother Darryl. - Yeah, man.

So, like, um, is something wrong

or you just wanted to spend some time with your little brother?

Man! Come on, now. You know I've always had a soft spot for you, Kareem.

- Mm. - I love you, man.

- Of course. - Hey. Uh, sweetie.

Can you please get me some grape Kool-Aid?

- When we were kids, you loved grape. - Yeah.

- You don't want any grape? Kool-Aid, babe. - Nah, I'm good.

Kool-Aid man's in the building.

I thought that was just brilliant marketing.

I never forgot that commercial. It was so awesome.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Obviously.

So, what... what's going on with dinner?

You guys didn't really... didn't really eat.

Yeah, we're vegans.

Oh, wow!

Well, what you gonna do with those three, four,

five dozen eggs you got in your fridge, there?

Well, those were... vegan chickens.

Wow! They're making vegan chickens?

Yeah. You'd be surprised.

I don't know why.

Uh, the chicken was bloody.

Well, that was their grandmother's recipe.

The hell it is.

I have eaten plenty of fried chicken at her house,

and I have never seen blood come from it. Not one time.

And let me tell you something about Black people.

See, we like our food cooked to the core.

You know what I'm saying? Otherwise it's, "Waiter! Manager!"

"This bill is comped and we need a gift certificate. Thank you."

You're being a little mean.

You know that fried chicken was better than

some of the fried chicken I had when I was a little kid growing up.

Nigga, stop lying.

Baby!

They didn't eat my fried chicken or my collards!

Ooh, come on. Come on.

Come on, they're... They're... They don't know what good soul food tastes like.

They're... They're vegan.

Yeah. You know, we be eating carrots and everything.

All you gotta do is you should've brought some carrots.

Right. Just take it out the garden.

We don't even cook it. Right, baby?

We just don't even add salt and pepper. We just eat it.

I put lemon pepper on my carrots, by the way.

Yes. They don't know.

They didn't like my soul food!

Baby, baby! They don't know what good soul food tastes like.

Well, we do know that it's not supposed to taste like Michelin tires.

We know that much.

And that was not collard greens in those pots. I'm sorry.

Why would you say that, Nora? That's mean.

It was reefer. Like, the girl went and cooked reefer.

Cooked reefer.

Babe, you didn't cook my reefer, did you?

I thought it was collard greens!

- That was the best reefer greens. - Who does that?

I... I put hot sauce on that, babe.

Aw. Come on. You guys coulda added some Johnny Pete's. Come on.

Could've put hot sauce on it, Reem.

- Right, right, right. - Mm-hmm.

- You could've washed it down a little grape. - Yeah. You're right. Yeah.

Hell, yeah.

- I'm still hungry. Can we go eat, please? Thank you. - Gotcha.

So, how can we help you, Darryl?

You know, man. I, uh...

You know, I... I want a share.

You think I can share?

What do you mean, a share?

Last week, I asked you for a $20 bump on my paycheck and you told me no.

Now, you think we're supposed to give you something of what we got?

- Kareem... - It doesn't work like that.

Okay. I get it, buddy. Hey. Have you paid the IRS yet?

Hell, yeah. I gave their ass like $10 four years ago.

We should definitely be straight now.

No! Kareem, $10 is not gonna cut it.

Okay, look. There's two things that you have to do.

All right? You have to pay that... that rapper.

What, the 20%... 30, 35 and a quarter. What is it?

- 50 Cent? - 50 Cents! There you go

The 50 Cent guy. You pay him, you pay the IRS.

That's what you have to do. There's no way to get around that. Okay?

All right. So I can't believe they gave a Negro like you a billion dollars,

with no financial wherewithal. Nothing, huh?

Just slid you a good old smooth bill, huh?

- Yeah. - Wow, man.

You know, I...

I just want to tell you. A fool and his money will soon part.

Hmm.

Like, why do you think we are always broke when we die?

It's no secret, all right?

Look, man. I gotta keep this down low.

Because if my wife hears me say...

She doesn't like me saying the color "white."

Oh, she gets angry, like...

So, I think she's sweating us out in here. All right?

We made our little green-eggs-and-ham cornbread,

and I'm burning up like a pig in heat.

- Hmm. - Now, I hope that she doesn't hear us,

but white people invest their money.

- That's right. - I think they spend their money just like I spend money.

Kareem, are you listening to me?

I'm down here sweating my ass off.

Are you hearing me? They invest,

Kareem, not spend. Invest.

- Okay? - Right.

Look.

We bring in $1.2 trillion.

That is more than some countries, all right?

But then we got our little athletes out there, right?

We've got our rappers, our 50 Cents,

and they're freaking raining dollar bills on booties and strip clubs.

Five K, ten K, 20 K.

Kareem, that's crazy.

Yeah, um... Told you.

Hey, babe.

Babe, hey!

Hey! What's, what's, what's... what's going on?

Did I just hear you say the word "white"?

- Come on, dude. - What? I would never... I've never even used the word...

You're like my snow mountaintop.

I love you. I mean, come on.

I'll slalom your ass any day, babe. Come on.

I told you, man.

She's always listening, all right? Now...

This is a little racist and the audience is probably gonna be so pissed,

but look, man, I got to say it.

It is what it is, all right?

- You're a wealthy Black man, okay? - Indeed.

You gotta get rid of chiquita.

And Quilla Chicaniqua...

- Nora. Her name is Nora. - Who?

Nora, Dora. Same thing.

Does she explore? No. Okay? What I'm telling you is this.

Give her a couple million, right?

Let her go live her life.

You're a wealthy Black man.

They are never gonna let you express your full Blackness.

Uh, what is it? The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

Well, you're like prune juice.

What you do, man, you go get you a pure white.

I mean, you go get you a ooh-wee.

A snowflake, Popsicle...

mountain top, Q-tip.

Cocaine. You know what I mean?

That's it, man. I don't know where I would be without my wife.

There's no telling, man. I'd...

probably be doing drive-bys.

- Hmm. - Chi-Town's finest.

Out the window. Bang!

- Yeah. - You can get your 40 acres and a mule, man.

You know?

I'm serious.

- Darryl. - Yeah, man.

You is what we call a "Nigga."

Bean pie, anyone?

- Yeah. - Bean pie?

I make them from scratch.

- Mm. - Oh.

My wife makes the best bean pies.

I'm talk about her sweet potato pies

will have Patti LaBelle kick her shoes right off.

- Oh. - Wow.

Are those Assalamu-alaikum- sharp-as-a-tack-in-100-degree-weather

with-a-two-piece suit and-a-bow-tie bean pie?

Yes, my sister.

My husband has given you all the warning that my bean pies are better.

Yes, they are absolutely finger-licking.

Oh, I would just lick your...

- Oh, wow. - This, darling, is so good.

I just wanted to know, do you ever get sick from eating her food?

Uh, no, uh, Nora the Explorer.

Okay? Excuse me.

You know, I actually, uh... love my wife's food.

You know what? We're here for a loan.

Excuse me. How about that? I'm speaking to...

- No! - What do you mean "no"?

- Why? - What you mean "why?"

Kareem, why can't I have a loan?

It's our money.

Oh, I swear.

You know, Peter was right about you.

Bro, what do I care about what Peter thinks?

I mean, I'm a whole Black billionaire.

Billionaires have feelings too, Kareem.

Mm. No, actually, we don't.

I lost all of my feelings after I got my first billion dollars.

Now, I do care about people like Bill Gates, Warren Buffett,

but absolutely not you,

you, and definitely not Peter.

But I do, however, care about what my beautiful Black Queen thinks of me, though.

That's right, King. Tell 'em.

What? Kareem, if you didn't care

what we thought about you,

why are you so emotional?

Emotional? Oh, baby, I'm not emotional.

Now, however, I might be angry from eating your chicken and dumplings.

I mean, I've had to boo-boo ever since we got up from dinner.

Wow.

My bowels hurt so bad, I'm about to cry.

And, you know I don't care about what this fool... Matter of fact...

Uh-oh. Kareem! Kareem! - Baby! Baby?

- Kareem! - Yeah.

- Mm. - Oh, he's done it now.

Kareem, I...

Come on, baby.

She's crying?

I refuse to eat a bean pie prepared by a white woman.

Damn, damn!

Did he just toss away my bean pie?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. You guys are in trouble.

Why? What is she about to do?

I don't know. I'll let you figure that out yourself.

I'll be over here. That's all I can say.

- Where is she going? - What's she about to do?

You'll find out.

- I don't... - Oh, no.

She probably out there calling the police,

- reporting us for not eating that nasty cornbread. - Oh, my God!

The cornbread was emerald green.

- I've never seen cornbread that was green! - Three...

- Two... - Please don't come in here with a gun.

...one. You'll see.

Oh, my... Baby.

- What she got? What she... - I don't know. I don't know.

Nobody messes with my bean pie!

Oh, Heavens to Murgatroyd. You could have put some of my clothes on.

Stop hating, bro. You see these guns?

Gonna O.J. your white wife away from you.

Boy, please.

You so skinny, if you turned sideways, you'd be invisible.

Rachel, that was, like, such an amazing joke.

Like, so original.

You even added Caucasian to it. Like, you should be so proud of yourself.

No, really.

He's so skinny, if he turned sideways, he'd be invisible.

Figuratively speaking.

No, I'm serious.

He's, like, 42 pounds soaking wet.

Y'all are just gonna sit here and make me the butt of y'all jokes?

Come on, stand up.

Turn around. Watch. You gonna be invisible.

He's gone. Told you.

You can turn back around now.

Oh, he's back.

Okay. Now that we have everyone's attention...

We invited you all here

because we believe that you should support us.

We want white people money.

Thank you.

Why does everyone feel like y'all are entitled to my money?

We don't think we're entitled.

We only think it's fair that you share.

I asked that fool for $20 last week and he told me no.

What's that got to do with me?

Baby, you told me to tell him no. "Say no."

- Be quiet and let me do the talking. - Okay.

We see who wears the pants in that relationship.

No, no, no. Ha-ha! I wear the pants. Okay?

I'm just happy to have my Dove bar.

Oh, hush.

Yes, baby.

Black people are gonna trip when they see this.

Yes. With his goofy ass.

Especially when they find out you support Donald Trump.

I do not!

We gonna tell 'em that if you don't give us the $500 million.

Oh! Okay. Well, with that being said,

I think you have every right in the world to know

that your husband follows O.J. Simpson on Twitter.

I don't... Why? I don't... I don't do that. No. No.

- He don't do that. - Yeah.

Do you follow O.J. Simpson on Twitter?

Hon, no, what? What? No.

Yeah. He follows him for, like, motivational dating purposes.

Give me your phone.

- Huh? Come on, babe. - "Huh"?

Don't have me to repeat myself, Darryl Dantelea Johnson.

Hey, you better not give up that phone.

Give me your damn phone, now!

Hey, babe...

Man, you better not give up that phone!

Ghost of Malcolm X, where's your... Be cool!

Okay. Okay. Stop, stop, stop. Okay, just stop.

I have something that I need to say.

I had an actor

to come and send you that text.

To send Kareem the text.

He didn't win the billion dollars. I set up everything.

- Okay? So... - Oh...

You can forget about telling America

that Kareem is a Donald Trump supporter

because they will stop supporting my shoe store.

They will literally boycott me.

- You're lying. - I'm not lying.

Prove it.

I'm-a prove it right now.

I don't believe her. She's full of it.

Yeah. You can come on in right now.

What are you doing?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Brandon.

I was hired by Nora Newsome to pretend to work for Miss Bezos.

What?

Why would you do this?

What about the car? The mansion?

The mansion and the Bentley all belong to my uncle.

We actually hacked into your computer

to make it look like you were making a purchase.

So, he doesn't have a billion dollars.

No, he doesn't even have $100.

In fact, when I hacked into your account,

I decided to start a GoFundMe page.

I can't believe it.

So you had me cook all this soul food for nothing?

Give me your damn cell phone.

Babe, come...

You just unfollowed O.J.

We don't need you getting any bright ideas.

I'm going to my "war" room,

so see yourselves out.

So, there's no... billion dollars.

No billion dollars. I'm an actor.

I can't believe it.

You know what?

All I know is you better be in to work first thing tomorrow morning.

And if you're even two seconds late,

two seconds, Kareem, you're fired!

I'm going to my man cave.

You two let yourselves out of here.

This is ridiculous.

I could kill you.

Why would you go and post that we're billionaires all over your social media page?

You all said no news.

What's going on?

So, I had this fool come over

to just pretend that we didn't win the money.

So do we have a billion dollars or not?

Yes.

Yes. We have a billion dollars, baby.

Listen, I just... I got everything you were saying.

You know, about when people find out you make a lot of money,

they don't want to build with you. They just wanna take.

So, I say we buy our building,

fix it up,

and we just start investing in what we already have around us.

And, see, I'm... I'm actually an actor.

Well, I'm not really an actor, but you saw my chops.

I agree.

Okay. Okay.

- So, listen. - Yes.

- From now on... - Mm-hmm?

- ...everything we do is done in secrecy. - Okay.

We have to hide the fact that we have this money

and make it appear as if someone else

is helping the community.

We need Black people to support Black-owned businesses,

just like they do Popeyes chicken.

Yeah, but they can never know you're Black.

Now, that s a shame.

A real shame.

Well, I have an idea.

Uh, I'd like to open a doughnut shop

and name it after my wife, Becky Sue.

Can I get two million?

Uh, just don't post about us anymore.

Ooh! You got me goin'!

- I'm sorry, baby. - I love you.

I ain't mad at you.

Look, baby...

I know I joke around a lot...

but I really love you.

Aw, I know.

I can always look in your eyes

and they tell me how you feel about me.

- Is that right? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, what do they say right now? - Mm...

Then it is time to go home.

Yeah, it's time. It's about that time.

- Oh... - Let's go.

What's wrong, baby?

Baby?

Baby, I gotta boo-boo.

What? Oh!

My baby.

Good morning, baby.

Oh, babe.

I haven't seen you up this early since... never.

Yeah. You know I decided to be on time for work today.

Oh! You wait until we're filthy rich.

Yeah. Well, you know, I'm using this

as an opportunity to discipline myself.

- Mm. - Yeah.

Sounds good.

- I like it. Mm-hmm. - Yeah?

You know, actually,

we really need to go day by day

convincing people like our coworkers,

friends and family members, etcetera, etcetera,

that we still the same broke-ass people.

You think you can do that?

Yeah. Yes, we can.

- Yeah... - We can do that.

Go ahead on, Obama. Hey.

- All right. Well, I'm-a get back to... - You are? Okay.

- I'll be up in a second. - You look good there.

Oh, thank you, baby.

- All right, I see your muscles. - They see you, too, baby.

- Well, get to it. - Mm...

- Well, you... - Sir, like I said, I am not about to keep talking over you.

- I've showed you all the... - Hey!

Where's Peter?

Well, you know, that's a term everyone in the hood knows.

Like, you know, "We out here grindin'."

You know, that's what we say.

You know, "I need to make this white people money."

- Yeah. - You know, I gotta get paid.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Now, before we begin, we want everyone to know

that this is actually based on a real story.

Um, it's actually our story.

I'm the real Nora Newsome,

and we've actually financed this with our own money.

So, basically, what happened was I saw Black & Privileged,

which is a film directed and written by Mark Harris.

- Mark Harris! - Hey!

So, we really enjoyed it and I slid into his DMs on Instagram.

I asked if he would write and direct this, you know,

TV show idea that we had, and he agreed.

- So, here we are. - Yeah.

Now, the funny thing is, and I'm not gonna say any names,

but we were actually pitching this idea around Hollywood,

and were in talks with a major network.

But, you know, we had to kind of go a different direction

because they were on some, like, straight cooney-coon stuff.

You know? They wanted Nora,

you know, TV Nora, to be like...

"Um, I don't wanna just be rich. I want to be rich and famous.

"I wanna kick it with the Kardashians.

"'Cause you know I love me some Khloe.

"Ooh, I definitely wanna hang out with Jay Z and Beyonce.

"Even if it is up in an elevator. Okurrr!"

"Ooh, I definitely finna smoke me a fat one with Snoop Doggy Dogg."

Yeah.

See, they wanted us to dance, set the jive.

- You know, Hollywood shuffled it. - Exactly. Yes.

So, we decided to just go in a different direction, do our own thing.

And, yeah, we're actually gonna make fun of them now.

I mean, we're billionaires,

and they wanted me to stay single.

You think... I don't think so.

No, we actually got married.

So, yes, I'm Mrs. Nora Johnson now.

Capital "M" on the Mrs.

And, yeah, I would show you guys my beautiful ring,

but, uh, why am I not showing my ring, sweetie?

Because the order hasn't come in yet.

- I ordered a nice size... - Oh!

The nice size one. Right.

Because, see, what had happened was

the original ring he ordered

was something that you see in, like, Walmart.

Uh-uh, baby. We are billionaires now.

My ring needs to reflect that, okay?

So, I need you to get it together.

You know, we just got this money, so I'm being safe.

That's all. Just careful.

Billionaires, and he being safe. I need my ring, sweetie. Okay?

Let's go 50 diamonds, boo.

Me? I was excited, you know?

Yeah. I was excited.

I kind of knew I was gonna win, though.

I always...

knew I was gonna do something with my life.

And I'm getting much more sleep, too.

For real. Less hustle now.

- Yeah. - Being out in no streets.

I'll admit I had my doubts,

but that was only because

he would come home every other day wanting to do something different.

Like one day, he wanted to be a fireman,

then he wanted to make doughnuts,

then he wanted to invest in Wall Street,

or what was it? Work at Walmart?

Or, hell, build Trump's wall.

You remember that time you came back from working at your brother's

bummy-ass furniture store,

and you want to be a cop?

Yeah. Look, I kid you not.

He comes home, goes out and buys a toy gun,

comes back and starts playing Cops and Robbers with the little kids next door.

You okay, baby?

Oh, I'm fine.

I'm just sitting here waiting for you to parrot Tony Robbins'

"Money is not the key to happiness."

Let me tell y'all something, okay?

There is no evidence that says poverty makes anyone happy.

Now you see me? I'm happy.

I've traveled the world,

I've tasted very exquisite cuisines,

I frequently give very charitable donations

to a little homeless villages in Europe.

You know, with, like, the little homeless white kids running around. Mm.

Matter of fact, we were gonna adopt what, like, five or seven of them,

and then we found out that have our own little bun in the oven coming.

So, plans changed on that.

But, um, yeah.

I still do my part 'cause those white women that do all that charity work

definitely be inspiring me, girl.

We rich, we rich, we white people rich.

We rich, we rich, we white people rich.

Chauncey...