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1
00:00:00,117 --> 00:00:04,756
The county are moving the boundary
line to exclude Royston Vasey.
2
00:00:04,882 --> 00:00:08,355
- Hello, Benjamin.
- Oh, God. I'd forgotten.
3
00:00:08,580 --> 00:00:10,415
I want you to kill Cheryl for me.
4
00:00:10,541 --> 00:00:12,117
When do you need it done by?
5
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,151
You heard the woman, Tubbs.
6
00:00:17,956 --> 00:00:19,257
Get undressed.
7
00:00:19,919 --> 00:00:23,367
This programme contains
some strong language.
8
00:00:23,493 --> 00:00:26,336
And the award for Best New Play
goes to...
9
00:00:27,555 --> 00:00:31,833
Oliver Plimsolls for Harry Spotter
And The Prisoner Of Acne Scar.
10
00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:42,524
Thank you.
Thanks.
11
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,633
Issue-based children's theatre
has for too long
12
00:00:47,759 --> 00:00:51,634
been the fat gay red-headed stepchild
of the West End family.
13
00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:53,702
Which is an issue I
explored in my previous play.
14
00:00:53,827 --> 00:00:55,490
Moobs, Lube And Ginger Pubes.
15
00:00:55,616 --> 00:00:59,200
Nominated for this award last year.
Didn't win. Fine. Doesn't stop it being an issue.
16
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:02,629
Who am I going to thank?
Well, I'd like to thank me, 25 years ago,
17
00:01:02,755 --> 00:01:05,180
for creating Legz Akimbo
Theatre Company.
18
00:01:05,415 --> 00:01:06,995
And I want to thank all
the actors that came
19
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,235
and went along the way
and used me as a stepping stone.
20
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,117
You taught me that I
couldn't rely on or trust anyone.
21
00:01:12,243 --> 00:01:15,448
And if I wanted to be an award-winning
writer, director, actor, producer...
22
00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:19,302
Let me speak! ..Then I had to do it
for myself, which is what I have done.
23
00:01:19,827 --> 00:01:22,155
You've got your Year 9s,
they're in the hall.
24
00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:24,574
Sorry.
25
00:01:25,815 --> 00:01:27,295
Thanks, Carole.
26
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,654
Save Royston Vasey!
27
00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:38,347
Our town is under threat.
28
00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:42,388
Come to the council meeting
at 2 o'clock this afternoon.
29
00:01:42,514 --> 00:01:46,362
Free hot water.
Tea bags can be purchased.
30
00:01:50,605 --> 00:01:53,834
Synced & corrected by minouhse
www.addic7ed.com
31
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,235
Keep Royston Vasey on the map,
32
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,802
or burn in hell for all eternity.
33
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,440
Your town needs you.
I need you.
34
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,224
It's time to stand up and be counted!
35
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,987
Actually, forget it. It's only
council scum round here. Drive on.
36
00:02:48,596 --> 00:02:53,249
For many years we ran a shop much
like this one, up on the moors.
37
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:56,192
Serving the needs of the local
community.
38
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,411
Then people like you came along.
39
00:02:59,537 --> 00:03:02,652
Upright pigs, teats down, six.
40
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,617
Our shop was destroyed.
41
00:03:04,771 --> 00:03:06,670
We were driven into the wild,
42
00:03:06,866 --> 00:03:10,606
walking the fields and hedgerows
like beasts of burden.
43
00:03:11,043 --> 00:03:13,038
We narrowly escaped death
44
00:03:13,304 --> 00:03:16,726
when a locomotive train missed
us by inches.
45
00:03:18,549 --> 00:03:22,043
And all in the name of progress.
46
00:03:22,541 --> 00:03:26,760
Well, history will not be repeated!
47
00:03:38,214 --> 00:03:40,018
- I want him out, Al.
- I know love.
48
00:03:40,144 --> 00:03:41,189
Out!
49
00:03:42,846 --> 00:03:46,666
That is when I fought off all
the Somali pirates single handed.
50
00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:48,835
They were like savages.
Troglodytes.
51
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,178
Really?
52
00:03:50,991 --> 00:03:54,811
Somehow I managed to scramble
my way to a desert island.
53
00:03:54,983 --> 00:03:57,021
There I make a good life for myself.
54
00:03:57,147 --> 00:03:59,155
Like the animals in Madagascar.
55
00:04:00,350 --> 00:04:02,631
But I miss you all very much.
56
00:04:03,846 --> 00:04:06,221
Very much indeed.
57
00:04:07,569 --> 00:04:11,381
And I understand why my boy Al
tell everyone I am dead.
58
00:04:11,636 --> 00:04:14,079
Is too much for him
to have hope in his heart.
59
00:04:14,205 --> 00:04:17,522
He always soppy.
More like a girl than a boy.
60
00:04:17,971 --> 00:04:20,260
You know,
he used to wear tiny little pants.
61
00:04:20,386 --> 00:04:21,588
Pop.
62
00:04:21,978 --> 00:04:24,744
I offer him my old long johns,
underwear for a man,
63
00:04:24,870 --> 00:04:28,533
but no, he say, "I want to wear little
tiny briefs like the other boys."
64
00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,134
Like little knickers.
65
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,924
So, how long are you staying?
66
00:04:33,275 --> 00:04:35,270
Just a few days or months.
67
00:04:35,396 --> 00:04:37,174
Until I am back on my feet.
68
00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:39,880
And how nice it will be!
69
00:04:40,362 --> 00:04:43,375
My son has two beautiful daughters.
70
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,913
Grandpop has been away for too long.
71
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,235
You look very well, Grandpop.
72
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,795
You'd think you'd lose weight
on a desert island.
73
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,001
There was a lot of coconuts.
74
00:04:56,027 --> 00:04:57,467
Cheers!
75
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,715
- Hello?
- Yeah, Geoff, it's me.
76
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,369
Who? I don't know how to put
names in my phone.
77
00:05:11,495 --> 00:05:12,770
Mike!
78
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,825
- Are you all set up for tonight?
- What about?
79
00:05:16,068 --> 00:05:17,848
What we said!
Cheryl!
80
00:05:17,974 --> 00:05:20,754
Yes, I'm dealing with it, don't worry.
81
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,915
I'm a professional.
I was in the SAS for six years.
82
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,720
- What, you mean the TAs?
- Same thing, it's all just
83
00:05:26,846 --> 00:05:29,805
- putting green on your face, isn't it?
- You will do it...
84
00:05:31,266 --> 00:05:34,315
- ..humanely, won't you?
- Of course!
85
00:05:34,766 --> 00:05:38,378
Now, will you let me get on with it,
please? I'd appreciate a bit of trust.
86
00:05:41,282 --> 00:05:44,019
Excuse me,
would this kill a fat woman tonight?
87
00:05:50,066 --> 00:05:51,932
How are we doing, all right?
88
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,685
Who wants to win a bit of money?
89
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:03,939
Right, you all got your dabbers?
90
00:06:04,449 --> 00:06:06,329
Eyes down for a full house.
91
00:06:09,842 --> 00:06:12,017
Key of the door.
21.
92
00:06:12,826 --> 00:06:15,219
Gandhi's breakfast.
80.
93
00:06:16,447 --> 00:06:19,047
Two fat ladies.
88.
94
00:06:19,826 --> 00:06:22,181
My friend Cream wouldn't
approve of that.
95
00:06:22,376 --> 00:06:24,790
Funny name, I know.
He were a Thai lad.
96
00:06:24,916 --> 00:06:28,872
He said I were... What d'ya call it?
Unreconstructed.
97
00:06:28,998 --> 00:06:31,235
Set in me ways.
I said, "Of course I am!
98
00:06:31,361 --> 00:06:35,416
"70-odd with an angry prostate and me
waterworks shot, what do you expect?"
99
00:06:37,621 --> 00:06:39,754
Out in the sticks.
86.
100
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,407
Duck and dive.
25!
101
00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:48,199
Udon Thani. That's where we met.
Thailand.
102
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,800
Sweltering, it were.
Like Tenko.
103
00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:56,585
I'd not...
Never had anyone close, like.
104
00:06:56,711 --> 00:06:58,106
Not properly.
105
00:07:00,116 --> 00:07:02,280
Never been kissed.
26.
106
00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:07,259
Had a bit of money, though, after
Dad went, so I thought, "Why not?"
107
00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:09,111
You hear about these fellas, don't you?
108
00:07:09,237 --> 00:07:12,267
Going out to foreign climes,
coming back with...
109
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,056
Dirty Gertie.
Number 30!
110
00:07:15,439 --> 00:07:19,875
I suppose I've always known I
fancied something a bit different.
111
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,260
A bit extra.
112
00:07:21,386 --> 00:07:22,741
A bit...
113
00:07:23,455 --> 00:07:25,299
Danny La Rue.
52.
114
00:07:26,955 --> 00:07:30,748
There were a bar.
Naki-Naki-Nak-Naks.
115
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:34,395
All coloured light bulbs,
like Peasholm Park.
116
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,640
But without the miniature sea battles.
117
00:07:37,468 --> 00:07:39,543
All these lads done up as lasses.
118
00:07:39,669 --> 00:07:41,664
Amazing.
Really quite beautiful.
119
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,280
Titties with tassels and everything.
120
00:07:45,134 --> 00:07:48,209
Some of them doing things what
it's not nice to talk about.
121
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,600
Cracking open beer bottles
with their whatsits.
122
00:07:52,179 --> 00:07:55,128
The ones that have, you know,
had the op.
123
00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,530
Firing ping-pong balls,
some of them.
124
00:07:59,415 --> 00:08:02,948
Reminded me of the old bingo
balls, in a funny way, but...
125
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,129
..I kept me eyes down.
126
00:08:08,002 --> 00:08:09,205
And suddenly,
127
00:08:09,955 --> 00:08:11,284
there he is.
128
00:08:11,923 --> 00:08:13,186
Cream.
129
00:08:14,666 --> 00:08:16,837
Me and you.
Number 2?
130
00:08:18,697 --> 00:08:20,520
Cup of tea.
Number 3.
131
00:08:22,296 --> 00:08:24,229
I didn't think he were that bothered,
132
00:08:24,355 --> 00:08:26,380
but when I got back to my hotel room...
133
00:08:27,021 --> 00:08:28,958
Knock at the door.
24!
134
00:08:29,402 --> 00:08:31,075
..turns out he'd followed me back.
135
00:08:31,686 --> 00:08:32,964
Cream.
136
00:08:35,416 --> 00:08:36,830
Legs.
11.
137
00:08:39,242 --> 00:08:40,994
Legs...
11.
138
00:08:43,132 --> 00:08:44,345
Next morning...
139
00:08:44,580 --> 00:08:46,311
Rise and shine.
29!
140
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,360
I asked him to come back.
To live with me, back here.
141
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:52,575
And he said yes.
142
00:08:53,571 --> 00:08:55,628
And you know what, for a bit...
143
00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:57,930
Tickety-boo.
62.
144
00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:02,078
Man alive.
Number 5.
145
00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:07,503
Then one day Cream said he wanted
to go the whole hog.
146
00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:10,869
You know, have it off - his whatsit.
147
00:09:13,132 --> 00:09:14,374
Doctor's orders.
148
00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:16,245
Number 9.
149
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:21,162
He wanted to be what he called
"a proper wife" to me.
150
00:09:22,907 --> 00:09:24,234
So, in he went.
151
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:28,320
Then he took bad.
152
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,475
I don't see why they can't
keep hospitals clean.
153
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,554
Never used to be a problem.
154
00:09:36,879 --> 00:09:40,067
My Auntie Sheila was
feared like Himmler on her ward.
155
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,521
Suddenly, one afternoon...
156
00:09:46,463 --> 00:09:47,784
Heaven's gate.
157
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,313
78.
158
00:09:55,508 --> 00:09:56,708
On its own...
159
00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:01,541
On its own...
160
00:10:02,966 --> 00:10:04,491
..number one.
161
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:17,102
OK, Year 9, settle down.
162
00:10:17,323 --> 00:10:20,525
Now, today we are going to be
looking at Commedia dell'Arte,
163
00:10:20,651 --> 00:10:22,600
so I want everyone find a partner.
164
00:10:22,810 --> 00:10:25,518
Sir, didn't you used to be an actor?
165
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,035
- What's that, Jamilla?
- Before you were a teacher,
166
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,395
I swear you used to have a theatre
company or something?
167
00:10:30,617 --> 00:10:34,156
Er, yeah.
Back in the mists of time, I did.
168
00:10:34,282 --> 00:10:37,270
There were three of us.
Me, Dave, Phil...
169
00:10:37,396 --> 00:10:40,603
- Phil Proctor?!
- Yes, Phil Proctor off the telly.
170
00:10:40,729 --> 00:10:44,236
We used to visit schools like this
and meet kids like you,
171
00:10:44,362 --> 00:10:48,235
and perform issue-based plays
on stages like this...
172
00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:52,715
Wh...?
173
00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:57,835
- What's going on?
- Ask this lot.
174
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,155
I got a fan letter from one
of your students saying
175
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,707
that their favourite teacher
was about to retire,
176
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,142
could we come and do
a special performance.
177
00:11:05,268 --> 00:11:06,543
So, here we are!
178
00:11:06,812 --> 00:11:10,487
- Go on, sir!
- We want to see you acting!
179
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,675
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
180
00:11:14,224 --> 00:11:15,464
Come on!
181
00:11:19,065 --> 00:11:20,340
Sod it.
182
00:11:23,484 --> 00:11:25,034
So, what are we going to do?
183
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,156
Well, we thought we'd do
one of your best, Ollie.
184
00:11:27,282 --> 00:11:29,997
Perve Swerve.
A play about stranger-danger.
185
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,355
But it's been so long, I need
time to prepare.
186
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:33,680
I'm ready.
CHEERING.
187
00:11:36,812 --> 00:11:39,951
Soon you'll be free, death will end.
188
00:11:40,077 --> 00:11:42,795
We'll pull you back through
the great U-bend.
189
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,595
The dead can't hoover,
can't sweep a brush.
190
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,419
Or refill a cistern with
bright blue flush...
191
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,040
What...?
192
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,955
What am I doing down here.
Why...?
193
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,835
Why am I so sleepy?
194
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,715
The cake you ate last night
was laced with
195
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,475
an extract from the skin of this toad.
196
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,989
Bufo Alvarius.
197
00:12:04,772 --> 00:12:06,647
It has a psychotropic effect.
198
00:12:06,773 --> 00:12:10,161
Your consciousness must be fluid
for what is to follow.
199
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,589
What do you mean?
200
00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:18,700
Uncle Harvey!
201
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,960
I thought...
He was dead.
202
00:12:24,206 --> 00:12:25,881
A living death.
203
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,755
Preserved at the point of
the soul's departure.
204
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:33,795
His every bodily fluid replaced with an
embalming tincture of his own devising.
205
00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:37,395
I can't tell you how happy he was,
knowing that he was finally
206
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,439
going to be free of the curse
of his own semen.
207
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,722
But why?
208
00:12:42,848 --> 00:12:45,875
His body might
have failed, but he need not.
209
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:50,800
We need only a host, Benjamin,
and Harvey's soul can live on.
210
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:54,755
- A host?
- A willing vessel.
211
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,475
- A member of the family.
- An ancient ceremony.
212
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,903
The girls do love their books.
213
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:09,651
What...
What are they doing?
214
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,702
No!
215
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,526
No!
Ah!
216
00:13:17,652 --> 00:13:19,012
Let us begin.
217
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,435
Now, tensions are going to
be running high,
218
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,795
so it's important to strike
the right tone.
219
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,235
Don't teach your grandmother
how to suck cocks, Murray.
220
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,755
I'm very good with big crowds.
221
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,213
On Black Friday I elbowed this
lass in the throat,
222
00:13:41,339 --> 00:13:42,955
got myself a 50-inch Samsung.
223
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,795
This town's future
hangs in the balance.
224
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,618
There's nothing people care more
passionately about than their own community.
225
00:13:50,918 --> 00:13:52,198
You were saying?
226
00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:56,540
Come on.
227
00:14:09,794 --> 00:14:10,994
Map.
228
00:14:19,405 --> 00:14:20,705
Ooh!
229
00:14:27,150 --> 00:14:30,240
What are you doing?!
Come out of there!
230
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,607
If my husband sees you, I...
231
00:14:37,942 --> 00:14:39,977
Edward, Edward!
232
00:14:40,103 --> 00:14:42,640
I've been catched in the tephelome!
233
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:46,881
Let me out!
234
00:14:47,151 --> 00:14:49,051
Look, Edward!
235
00:14:49,386 --> 00:14:52,701
Quiet, Tubbs!
I'm teaching the No-Tails a lesson.
236
00:14:52,861 --> 00:14:55,314
Our business is our business.
237
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,515
We keep our noses out of other
people's affairs.
238
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,869
We would invite you to extend us
the same courtesy...
239
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,395
'Time to become local.'
240
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,360
Jesus.
Where did you get this from?
241
00:15:10,486 --> 00:15:11,875
'That's better!'
242
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,355
One of the hostages. Works for the
Chronicle. It came from her phone.
243
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,675
'We will not be defeated by your
petty meddling.
244
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,705
'This is a local shop for local people!
245
00:15:21,913 --> 00:15:24,777
'It's time we took back control!'
246
00:15:24,931 --> 00:15:28,337
And I'm making an executive decision.
We need to get a crew down there now.
247
00:15:28,463 --> 00:15:30,648
'What are you doing?
Turn that off.'
248
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,235
# Hi, my name is Johnny Smith.
249
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,868
# I'm just 14.
And I'm strutting my stuff.
250
00:15:41,994 --> 00:15:44,675
# I like to rap I don't like school.
251
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,138
# Too many teachers.
Too many rules.
252
00:15:47,264 --> 00:15:49,656
# My dad and mum say...
Stay out of the park!
253
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,075
# Especially at night.
When it's getting dark.
254
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,635
# But I don't care.
Respect I lack.
255
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,955
# It's light anyway.
Cos the clocks have gone back.
256
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,755
# I'll ignore their warning.
Cos that's my style.
257
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,751
♪ I've never even heard of a...
Paedophile! ♪
258
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,560
Step over it.
Right...
259
00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:17,345
Double maths today. Boring!
What's that noise...?
260
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:22,454
'Ere, little boy.
Why don't you come back to my house?
261
00:16:22,883 --> 00:16:26,075
I got the latest PlayStation
game all set up.
262
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,134
Cool!
You got a spare joystick?
263
00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:31,155
Yes.
And you can play with it.
264
00:16:31,578 --> 00:16:35,734
I'm not sure. Mum said not to.
Oh, choices, choices.
265
00:16:36,623 --> 00:16:39,863
I feel like I'm
on some sort of TV game show!
266
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,819
Hi, there!
267
00:16:43,786 --> 00:16:45,770
Hi, there!
My name's Cheesy Host,
268
00:16:45,896 --> 00:16:48,155
and welcome to another edition of
Safe Choices.
269
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,475
Johnny Smith, your time starts now.
270
00:16:51,137 --> 00:16:52,457
Over there.
271
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,023
Question one. Ddo you know the man
you are about to go off with?
272
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:56,943
- No.
- Correct.
273
00:16:57,069 --> 00:16:59,595
Does he have any identification,
such as a current utility bill?
274
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,685
- No!
- Correct.
275
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:03,355
Is he wearing nice shoes or other
signs he isn't a deviant?
276
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,675
- No!
- Correct.
277
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,247
And here's your big money choice.
Take your time.
278
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:07,793
Do you want to go off with
the stranger,
279
00:17:07,919 --> 00:17:10,536
or stay safe in the studio?
It's up to you.
280
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,411
I'll stay safe, innit?
281
00:17:12,537 --> 00:17:15,874
Is the correct answer!
What's he won, Susie?
282
00:17:17,176 --> 00:17:20,035
He's won a lifetime's supply
of common sense!
283
00:17:20,629 --> 00:17:22,075
Would you like to come back
to my dressing room
284
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,115
- and I'll give you an autograph.
- Yes, please!
285
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,715
Stop!
286
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,655
Just because he's well dressed and plausible doesn't
mean to say he isn't a dangerous predator also.
287
00:17:30,820 --> 00:17:33,224
Come with me, son, I'll take you home.
288
00:17:33,350 --> 00:17:36,545
Thanks, Dad. I'll try
and make better choices in future.
289
00:17:36,699 --> 00:17:37,654
Stop!
290
00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:41,479
Didn't you know that 75% of all
sexual predators are family members?
291
00:17:41,605 --> 00:17:43,720
Oh, no!
Rewind!
292
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,435
# I won't go
with the man In the dirty mac.
293
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,995
Or the man in the suit
with his hair slicked back
294
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,275
# Put a lock on your door
So your dad can't get in.
295
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,515
# Is your grandad's coming round?
I wouldn't trust him.
296
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,075
# If you want to stay safe
and have a bright future.
297
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,835
♪ Make friends in a chatroom
on a computer. ♪
298
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,320
Boom!
299
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,115
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
Sir! Sir!
300
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,235
God, I've missed this.
301
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,844
Why don't we get back on the road
again? Reform Legz Akimbo.
302
00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:19,654
- What do you mean?
- Think about it.
303
00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:22,115
There are so many new issues to
do plays about now.
304
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,107
Exactly!
And I've never stopped writing them!
305
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,794
Suck It And See, a play about revenge porn.
Slit Face, a play about burqas.
306
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,539
It's all there, ready to roll out.
It's what I've been waiting for!
307
00:18:30,665 --> 00:18:32,745
All these years, wasted in
this dead end job.
308
00:18:32,923 --> 00:18:35,163
Ollie...
- It's like I've finally woken up.
309
00:18:36,148 --> 00:18:37,915
Oh, hang on.
310
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,776
This is still a dream, isn't it?
311
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:46,733
Ollie!
312
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:48,757
Oh, no.
313
00:18:49,143 --> 00:18:51,378
You've got your Year 9s.
They're in the hall.
314
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,120
Sorry.
315
00:18:54,205 --> 00:18:55,525
Thanks, Carole.
316
00:19:14,848 --> 00:19:16,675
OK, Year 9, settle down.
317
00:19:16,801 --> 00:19:18,607
Fuck off, you sad wanker!
318
00:19:24,438 --> 00:19:25,678
Great.
319
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,541
- All right, Geoff?
- All right?
320
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:07,345
- See you down Palatine later?
- Yeah, maybe.
321
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:09,898
Fuck's sake.
322
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:17,720
Oof!
323
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,760
Matter with it?
324
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,440
- Geoff!
- Shit.
325
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,365
Just wondering if you want me
to get you that pint in?
326
00:21:43,824 --> 00:21:46,211
- Nah, you're all right, Eddie.
- Sure?
327
00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:49,249
- Yeah.
- See you later, then.
328
00:21:49,886 --> 00:21:51,406
See you later.
329
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,000
WD-40 on that.
330
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,581
So, when did you get released, then,
Pop?
331
00:22:42,707 --> 00:22:44,994
I get time off for good behaviour.
332
00:22:45,367 --> 00:22:48,722
21 years. Ridiculous!
For a lousy pyramid scheme.
333
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,755
You killed a man with your bare hands.
334
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,940
Yeah, for not paying what
he owed under the pyramid scheme.
335
00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:56,134
What do you want here?
336
00:22:59,601 --> 00:23:02,009
I need you to tell me where Richie is.
337
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,338
- No.
- I know what he is doing.
338
00:23:05,464 --> 00:23:07,234
It was 15 years ago, let it go, Pop.
339
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:09,355
He is still my son.
340
00:23:09,549 --> 00:23:11,246
I won't do it!
341
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,915
- Good night, Grandpop.
- Good night, Grandpop.
342
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,260
Hey, girls, I almost forgot.
343
00:23:16,439 --> 00:23:19,045
I got presents for the both of yous.
344
00:23:22,778 --> 00:23:24,194
And for you, Maisie...
345
00:23:24,793 --> 00:23:25,993
See?
346
00:23:26,996 --> 00:23:28,196
Beautiful!
347
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:33,487
Perhaps tomorrow you would like me
to take you swimming, eh?
348
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,696
Unless of course your daddy has
other plans for me?
349
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:43,795
Good.
350
00:23:44,206 --> 00:23:46,203
Come inside, it's cold.
351
00:23:46,706 --> 00:23:49,241
Who wants to get some
piercings done, eh?
352
00:23:50,152 --> 00:23:51,411
Grandpop will pay.
353
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,242
Are you watching your cats?
354
00:23:58,368 --> 00:24:01,843
No, some nutters have taken
hostages, apparently.
355
00:24:02,393 --> 00:24:05,588
'The couple who are holding them
are a local couple...'
356
00:24:05,714 --> 00:24:08,501
Eh, look at them.
Bloody rubber-neckers.
357
00:24:08,744 --> 00:24:11,595
Where were they this afternoon
when we needed them?
358
00:24:11,928 --> 00:24:14,088
But they're there now, Murray.
359
00:24:14,935 --> 00:24:16,135
They're there now.
360
00:24:17,305 --> 00:24:19,232
A gift from God.
361
00:24:24,954 --> 00:24:26,154
Geoff?
362
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:30,244
The purple mongoose
has vacated its habitat.
363
00:24:30,370 --> 00:24:31,570
What?
364
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:35,475
The... hippopotamus is...
365
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,941
dead. She's dead,
I've smothered her.
366
00:24:38,067 --> 00:24:39,400
Oh, God.
367
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:42,795
Did she suffer?
368
00:24:43,510 --> 00:24:45,489
Well, as much as anyone does
if they're being murdered.
369
00:24:45,615 --> 00:24:46,855
It wasn't murder!
370
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,029
It was a mercy killing.
371
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,515
- She had no life.
- Yeah, you explained all that.
372
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,067
She won't suffer any more,
and neither will you.
373
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,204
Thank you, Geoff. And it will
look like natural causes?
374
00:25:00,330 --> 00:25:02,115
No, I left the cushion
stuffed in her mouth!
375
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,673
Credit me with some sense, Mike.
376
00:25:04,130 --> 00:25:06,247
- I'm not an idiot.
- Sorry.
377
00:25:06,665 --> 00:25:09,165
I have to say, though, she didn't
seem as big as you made out.
378
00:25:09,390 --> 00:25:10,835
What do you mean?
379
00:25:11,335 --> 00:25:14,560
Well, I felt a bit bad. I mean,
she was only what I'd call plump.
380
00:25:14,769 --> 00:25:17,115
She could have easily got up and
down them stairs if she'd wanted to.
381
00:25:17,318 --> 00:25:19,398
What stairs, we live in a bungalow!
382
00:25:20,793 --> 00:25:22,720
- Eh?
- Geoff,
383
00:25:22,898 --> 00:25:25,046
you do know we moved four years ago?
384
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,875
Yeah, you see, what's happened here is,
385
00:25:31,505 --> 00:25:33,035
I've gone to the wrong house.
386
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,547
I sent you an e-mail!
387
00:25:34,673 --> 00:25:37,627
Well, I can't open them, can I?
I've only got Windows '95!
388
00:25:37,753 --> 00:25:39,565
Geoff, what have you done?
389
00:25:41,452 --> 00:25:43,645
You know who we sold
that house to, don't you?
390
00:25:43,771 --> 00:25:45,491
No, who?
391
00:25:53,952 --> 00:25:56,348
Pauline, I'm home!
392
00:26:14,163 --> 00:26:15,463
Pauline!
393
00:26:17,922 --> 00:26:19,222
Pauline?
394
00:26:23,789 --> 00:26:25,089
Pauline!
395
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,260
Pauline!
396
00:26:32,577 --> 00:26:33,877
Pauline!
397
00:26:43,930 --> 00:26:48,445
The citizens of Royston Vasey do
care about their town, passionately.
398
00:26:48,726 --> 00:26:52,506
And when pushed too far they
will resort to extreme measures,
399
00:26:52,632 --> 00:26:55,514
like that film about the girl who couldn't
afford Tampax. What was it, Murray?
400
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,950
- I, Daniel Blake.
- I, Daniel Blake, exactly.
401
00:26:58,076 --> 00:26:59,276
Look, Edward!
402
00:27:00,638 --> 00:27:02,334
We oppose these boundary changes
403
00:27:02,460 --> 00:27:04,721
and we demand action, don't we, folks?
404
00:27:04,847 --> 00:27:06,587
Yeah!
Action!
405
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:08,601
Fucking sheep.
406
00:27:08,767 --> 00:27:11,168
They must have heard there's a sale on.
407
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,381
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
408
00:27:21,507 --> 00:27:23,395
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
409
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,165
This is madness.
410
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,035
Madness!
411
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,355
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
412
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,355
- We pass you to him.
We pass him to you.
413
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,355
- We pass you to him.
- We pass him to you.
414
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:34,780
No.
415
00:27:35,229 --> 00:27:36,529
No!
416
00:27:43,963 --> 00:27:45,263
We pass him...
417
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,540
Benjamin?
418
00:27:57,323 --> 00:27:58,919
In this house,
419
00:28:00,114 --> 00:28:01,671
we don't die.
420
00:28:08,827 --> 00:28:13,427
Synced & corrected by minouhse
www.addic7ed.com
31531
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