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- Patrick, can you please turn the music down?

- Dude, you need to take a hit of this.

- Thank you, but that's not going to happen today.

Finals, remember?

How is it that you don't have to study?

- I major in drama.

They're like practical exams.

I probably have to act like a wolf or some shit.

It's not like I'm taking philosophy, dude.

- Poly-sci.

- My bad.

- What am I taking?

- Is this a trick question?

- No.

Patrick?

What am I taking?

What am I taking? Tell me!

- Come on stop it.

- I'll stop if you tell me,

- Tell you what?

- What am I taking? - Stop violating me,

I don't know,

I don't know.

That was intense.

- How can you not remember what your girlfriend

is studying at school?

- I'm in a very mellow place.

Well I think we all need just to chill the fuck out.

- Sure, why don't we all just chill the fuck out.

Till the Res advisor comes by at least.

Maybe this time he won't guess where all

the smoke is coming from.

- I know right?

He can suck a dick.

- Why don't we let Rob study.

Let's got hit up the library.

- There's plenty of time to study when we get old,

I say right now we live in the moment.

- Look, Rob, you gotta learn how to manage

your time around Patrick.

You know he eats and then he gets tired,

so he takes a nap, that's your best

time to get your studying done.

- Oh, nice, so you're dating an infant.

- It's all part of the package.

- You think anybody gets the wrong idea about my dong bong?

Come in!

- Dude, hair of the dog kegger at Kappa Alpha, you in?

- Fuck ya!

Babe, let's hit this kegger,

best way to get our mind off all this studying bullshit.

- No, babe, look, I think I really have to study.

- You sure, babe?

- Yeah. Go!

- Let's do this.

- Love you too!

So he's totally going to grow out of this, right?

- Look at you, God you look good.

That's right.

I love you.

- I love you too, Ted.

- Rise and shine, hon.

- What time is it?

- It's 5:45, my driver's picking me up at six.

- It's 5:45 in the morning?

- That's funny.

- I don't have to be at work till nine.

- Well it must be nice to work on a lawyer's clock.

I've already showered, had breakfast,

read all the day's headlines.

I left some toast for you downstairs and

there's some coffee in the pot.

Don't forget we're having dinner tonight at eight o'clock.

- Oh God, I told Sandra and Becky that I'd

get together with them tonight.

Can they come too?

- Um, no. They can't.

We're going to Gaston's.

- Gaston's?

- That's right.

And Sandra won't fit in on account of her dressing

like a hooker.

- Hey, Sandra's my friend.

- Well that's why we make new friends.

I don't keep in touch with anybody

that I grew up with.

Besides, I want it to be just you and me.

- No investors, no clients?

To what do I owe the privilege?

- Let's just say it'll be a night you'll never forget.

- I can't wait.

- Great, I'll have Naz pick you up at 7:30.

Oh, there he is now.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

Don't be late.

Okay.

- Okay.

I love you.

- He's taking you to Gaston's, the Gaston's.

- Yeah.

- He's going to propose.

- I mean, I don't know, it's just dinner.

- I think your pussy's been committing

crimes on him for two years and now

he wants to sentence it to life.

- Oh my God, see, you're disgusting.

Really, no, you should have been born a boy.

- Two words.

Life experience.

- Okay, if he does propose to you tonight,

what are you going to say?

- I don't know, I guess I'd say yes.

- Good for you, you've wanted to settle

down for a while now.

- What's that's supposed to mean?

- Well I just mean after Patrick

you're looking for that guy.

- I liked Patrick.

- What do you mean "that" guy?

- You know, has his shit together, mature.

- Okay, wait, wait, my dad is mature.

And he also likes to birdwatch.

Is that what you want?

- Okay, no one likes to birdwatch.

- Yeah, he does.

He actually called me today about this squawking bir--

- Hey, wait, wait.

Now you guys for real think he's going to propose?

- Yeah I think you're as good as engaged.

- Just don't go ditching us girls now.

- What? No, never.

You guys are amazing, I love you guys.

- Tell us every detail baby.

- This is a really nice restaurant.

- Yeah. The best.

- So?

- So?

- What's the special occasion?

I mean I know it's not our anniversary or anything.

- No.

I just thought you'd like this place.

- I do, and it's wonderful, I mean I haven't

tried the food yet but I'm sure it's amazing.

- The food is excellent.

- Oh, you've been here before.

- Just once.

- Not with me.

- No. Not with you.

- Good evening, my name is Sefton, it's a pleasure...

- Pleasure's all ours.

- It's a pleasure...

- Of course it is.

- It's a pleasure...

- Why wouldn't it be?

- Good point.

- It's a pleasure to have you dine with us, again.

Are you celebrating any special occasion tonight?

- No, Stephan we are not.

- Sefton.

Would you like to start with some sparkling water?

- Oh, I would love a...

- We'll have a bottle of the rose, 1940.....

six.

- Six.

- Thank you, Stephan.

- Sefton.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Okay, so the suspense it's killing me,

it really is.

- What are you talking about?

- I know you brought me here for a reason, Ted,

and I just, I can't go the whole dinner

waiting for you to say it.

I can't.

- Wow, you're intuition is pretty amazing.

How did you guess?

- I mean it's a little obvious.

- Is it?

- Fancy restaurant, middle of the week, just the two of us.

- Is this chilled?

- Of course, sir.

- It doesn't taste chilled.

- It's chilled, sir.

- It's not chilled enough.

Go ahead and pour.

That's enough.

Thank you, Stephan.

- Sefton.

- What did you like, get into some sort

of trouble last time you were here?

- Actually, the last time I was here I broke up

with my ex.

- Oh, that's a little morbid, Ted--

- Actually I brought you here, Mary because

I'm breaking up with you.

- You're breaking, you're breaking up with me?

- Yes.

- Why?

- Because I don't love you anymore and

because I found somebody else.

- Oh. Okay.

That's very nice for you.

After, two years.

- Mary, for what it's worth,

I'm really sorry, I really am.

- You're sorry?

- Yes.

- That's bullshit!

- Mary, could you lower your voice please?

You're embarrassing both of us.

- Am I?

Am I embarrassing, am I embarrassing him?

I gave you two years and this is how you end it.

- This is how things work sometimes, Mary.

Now come on, let's just have a nice meal and

we'll leave it at that.

Please.

- You want me to have a nice meal, Ted?

- Yes. Order anything you want.

The duck a l'orange is fantastic.

- The duck?

- A l'orange. That's French for orange.

- I'm a fucking vegetarian, Ted!

- Okay, please sit down.

- You know what?

Go fuck yourself!

- Fucking give me that.

- Okay, so this one time when we had sex

he tried to get me to play with his asshole.

And that was really uncomfortable for me.

And, I just wanted to tell somebody else other

than my therapist.

So.

Enjoy your dinner you all look, really really happy.

- Never happened.

- Where are you now?

- Are you here for the audition?

- Yeah.

- What part are you trying for?

- Same as you.

- Okay, next up I have Tina Fung and Patrick Nelson.

- Excuse me, I thought I was supposed to be doing

another scene with a dude?

- Quickly now, we don't have all day.

- Fuck!

- Okay, Patrick!

And Tina, how are we?

- Okay. - Awesome!

- I want miracles, babies.

Basically in this scene you two are ninjas.

So I just want you both to show me some

martial arts moves and then we're done.

And then I'm done.

With you, I mean.

- No, no, no, my agent told me I had a

scene with a dude, with lines.

I have the script right here.

- I don't know what your agent told you,

but I've already cast that scene.

I just need you to do some karate moves or something.

Okay?

You do know martial arts, right?

- Yeah, that was like 10 years ago.

- Good, then we'll start with Tina.

Anytime you're ready, darling.

Wow, excellent!

That was fucking excellent,

double black belt, right Tina?

- That's right.

- Okay, Patrick.

You're up.

- I'm only like a blue belt and that was

like 10 years ago.

- Anytime you're ready.

- I'll bring it.

Gaa!

Gaw!

Gee-aw!

Haw!

Gee-aw!

Bonsai!

- Okay. Thanks for coming in Patrick.

We'll be in touch.

- Awesome.

- Did you get a load of that?

- I said stand still

- laughing

Hey San, what's going on?

- Sounds like you're crying.

- Nope.

I'm not crying.

Okay, I'm crying, but it's not because of Ted.

I'm watching The Notepad.

The Notebook. I'm watching The Notebook.

- Oh, okay.

Well me and Beck are coming over.

- No, no, no, you really don't have to do that.

Sandra?

- We've got your keys, bitch.

- We have something to show you.

- What is wrong with you guys?

- Are you balling to the Three Stooges?

- Jesus, for a hot girl you look like shit.

- We love you anyway.

- I love you guys too.

- It's okay, come here.

- Fuck men.

We should be lesbians.

- You want to tell us something Becky?

- No.

- Are you sure?

Because I'm in a really open place right now.

- No, but...

- Everybody deserves to be loved.

- Honey,

- I miss Ted.

- Why? He's such a douchebag.

Okay look, look, look.

Psychic Mona Lisa, spiritual guide,

and she's guaranteed to hook you back up with your ex.

- No .

- Listen babe, everyone gets their heart broken.

But you can't flush your life down the toilet,

just because he's done shitting on you.

- He shit on you?

- Becky has been talking about this psychic,

all fucking week, so if you don't want to be happy,

let's let her feel helpful.

- Yeah?

- I don't want to be happy.

- Okay, let's get you in the shower.

- Oh my God .

- Oh my God.

- I can not believe I let you talk me into this.

- I've been expecting you.

- Because you're psychic.

- No because you said you'd be here in 15 minutes.

- Awesome.

- Please, come in.

Now, which one of you has come to see

Psychic Mona Lisa?

- I thought she was supposed to be a psychic.

- It's you, isn't it?

I can tell by your apprehension to be here.

You don't really believe in the spiritual domain, do you?

- No, not really.

- Well, tonight Psychic Mona Lisa will make you a believer.

- So bad.

- Please child.

Cut the deck of cards, and as you do

think of your ex.

Concentrate on that person with whom you

want to spiritually mend your soul with.

Please!

Don't close your eyes.

- What? Will it ruin the effect?

- No, I just find it terribly cliche.

Very good, darling.

Now, turn the cards over one at a time.

If the card faces you the correct way,

the better chances of you reconnecting with your ex.

Excellent! Positive energy.

- It's bullshit.

Sorry.

- That card weakens the energy.

And now the final card.

Two positive energy cards,

two negative energy cards.

- Is that bad?

- I feel that you will reconnect with your ex.

And I feel that it will be shortly.

- Wait, what does that mean?

Like how long, like soon?

Or in a week?

- Well this is not a perfect science, my dear,

but, I would say within the next few days

you should expect a chance encounter.

Thank you for visiting Psychic Mona Lisa.

That'll be 50 bucks, cash only.

My dear, your ex is feeling your vibes

even as we speak.

- God, I told you that psychic was full of it.

I'm never going to see Ted again.

- She said a few days.

Why don't we give it a few days?

- You know what I just can't believe

I let you guys talk me into going there.

- It was just for fun.

- No Sandra, it got my hopes up.

Ugh, sorry, sorry.

Just grab your stupid record and let's get out of here.

- I predict, you'll kiss my ass.

- Oh, my lips, they're being inexplicably drawn

toward your buttocks.

- Didn't your mom ever teach you not to stare?

- I think he still lives with his mom.

- I got it, let's go.

- Hey!

- Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I was walking

and I didn't see you.

Patrick.

- Mary.

- This is weird.

- Tell me about it, it's been, I don't know

a billion years.

- Yeah it has been forever.

- You look good.

- Thanks. So do you.

Could you just hold on for one second,

I'll be right back.

What the fuck is going on do you see who that is?

- Yeah, it's fucking Patrick.

- Ugh, yeah, it's fucking Patrick.

I haven't seen him in years.

- I hate to say this, but he actually looks good.

- Hey!

Why is it fucking Patrick?

- Oh shit, you think that the psychic,

I mean that Patrick's here...

- This is great, this is so great, this is great.

- I mean Patrick is your ex.

- So I asked for Ted and I get Patrick?

- I mean technically he's your ex ex.

- No. No, no, no, no, no.

- At least we know she's legit.

- Oh my God, no, I can't even talk to you right now.

- Good, because he can probably hear you.

- Hi, Sandra.

- Hey, Patrick.

Long time no see.

You still a loser?

- Yeah, you're obviously still a bitch.

Still a slut too?

- Pretty much.

- Great, good, I'm so glad we got that out of the way.

Ha!

- She hasn't changed a bit.

- By the way, nice Anvil shirt.

Looks like the same one you were wearing

the last time I saw you.

10 years ago.

- It's actually not possible.

This is off their new album, it's called Hope in Hell.

- No one gives a shit.

- What have you been up to?

- Ah, you know, nothing much, just working away.

- Yeah me too, I got this corporate gig

I'm in like before dawn home after dark.

- Wait, are you still doing that acting thing?

- Yeah, you remembered?

- Yes, I remembered.

I always thought you were a really great actor.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Maybe I didn't say that enough.

- Well thanks, I appreciate that.

Listen, I hope this doesn't come out of left field,

but my buddy's having a party on Saturday night.

Why don't you come by we'll have a few drinks, reconnect?

- No, ugh.

- Come on, it'll be fun.

- You know what, okay.

Yeah, yes, I will come.

No strings though.

- Stringless like a maxi pad.

- Oh God.

- Sandra, why don't you come as well?

- Why don't you sit on this?

- Okay good, well, here's my card,

um, that's me, there.

- Attorney, huh?

- Next time I get arrested I know who's

keeping me out of jail.

- I'm a prosecutor actually, I put people in jail.

- In jail, cool.

I have a card too.

- Oh, hey, there you are.

Oh my God, I didn't know you had your

truck driver's license.

- Yeah, well my agent said it could be useful

if I could drive an 18-wheeler if need be.

Anyway, it was good seeing you again.

- It was really good to see you too,

- Yeah, okay, hug.

See you at the party?

- Good to see you, Sandra.

Keep your legs closed.

- Right? Hello?

- You asked for your ex, and you got the wrong one.

- Sandra, this is terrible, I've gotta

go to that party and everything.

- Why would you do that?

- Because I had nothing to do and he

said no maxi pad, he said no strings.

- Okay, well the last time a guy said that to me

I was biting a pillow for 45 minutes waiting

for him to blow his load.

- Eh-um.

- Are you still here?

You need to go back to the psychic

and tell her to fix things.

Because somewhere out there the guy you're

supposed to be with is just waiting

for you to put a spell on him.

Okay?

Okay.

- No, baby, I love the 10-inch heels,

especially when you're standing next to me,

it's fantastic.

I just mean don't you have the exact same pair

in the exact same color?

- Yeah, but darling, completely different designer.

- Mary?

- Hey, hi.

- Wow, what are doing here?

- Well, Ted, last time I checked this was a public

place so I was just doing a little, public shopping.

- So was I.

- Yeah.

- It's good to see you.

- Hm-mmm. Really good to see you too, Ted.

- Oh, Mary this is Natasha.

Natasha, Mary.

- You work with Ted in office?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, honey, no.

Mary's a great lawyer.

Actually she's one of the best.

- This is amazing. I need lawyer.

- Oh, I'm not that kind of lawyer,

I don't do immigration.

- I think you've run up my visas enough already, right?

- Actually, I do know a guy, he's a bit expensive,

but I am sure that your sweetheart over there

is going to totally help you out with that.

- Thank you!

- That's very generous of you, Mary.

- I'm a kind person, what can I say?

- I don't have lots of friend here,

so maybe one day we could get drunk.

- She means get a drink.

Get a drink, one day, right, honey?

- No, we get drunk.

- Okay.

- Is good?

- Yeah, you know what?

You guys just make the cutest couple,

I have this meeting, I'm super late.

- You dropped a few things by the way.

- Skirt's really tight.

Ooo, that's not mine.

Okay, I'm good.

Good luck with the rest of your awesome life.

Good. Okay. See you later.

- She says we make the cute couple.

- I know what she said,

no more booze for you.

- Wait, you're comparing Blind Melon to Nirvana?

- Uh, yeah because Shannon Hoon was way

more talented that Kurt Cobain.

Plus I can't respect a dude who fucking blows his

head off with a shotgun.

- Shannon Hoon died too.

- Accidental OD, little different.

I can respect that.

- Oh my God, you are seriously fucked in the head.

Kurt Cobain for a fact, fact, was amazing.

- Yeah I'm going to have to agree with Nips on this one.

- Do you have to call me Nips, seriously?

- Still sensitive about that?

- Yeah, I'm fucking sensitive about it.

- No shit, have you seen his nipples?

They're like pepperonis, like real milkers,

- Yeah, funny.

- Totally, you could make a bucket of yogurt no problem.

You could feed an entire small country with

his breast milk, for years.

- It's just that he's sensitive about it.

- At least I can grow pubic hair.

Least I can grow pubic hair!

- That's a medical condition, it's

totally different.

- Got the penis of a nine-year-old boy.

- How would you know what a nine-year-old

boy's penis looks like?

- That is irrelevant.

- Is it irrelevant?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Call the police.

- On another note, guys,

I actually ran into Mary yesterday.

- College Mary?

- Yeah. She looked fucking good.

- Sorry, man.

- Dude, that must have been horrible.

You okay? Do you need a hug?

- I could do it, I don't usually but...

Last time you saw her man she just

ripped your heart out.

- Ripped it out.

You were in your house locked up. days.

- Days

- Days.

- Weeks almost.

- Sat with you, held you, I held you like

you were my baby.

The tears, do you remember the tears,

because I remember the tears.

- I remember em now.

- Remember we put diaper on you at one point.

- Remember that day?

- Yeah, that was so gross.

- It was like suicide watch.

You were crying and masturbating.

- And we were like, we're in your room

why are you doing that, you're masturbating

with us right there. - Stop, stop!

- She's actually coming to the frat party.

- Fuck off!

- I'm serious.

- That is awesome.

- Dude, amazing.

Does she have any friends?

- I need to see you.

- Do I know you?

- Okay, no, cut the shit.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

I'm Mary. I was in here the other day

I wished for my ex back?

- Not ringing a bell.

- My ex. Ted.

- Still not hearing it.

Right, Mary.

It's all coming back to me now, darling.

What can I do you for?

- When I came in here last time I asked

you to reconnect me with my ex, right?

- Sure.

- Ted.

- How'd that work out for ya?

- Well, I ran into somebody but it wasn't my ex,

it was my ex ex.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- I ran into my old boyfriend from college.

- That's excellent news.

Tell your friends about me.

- What? No! What is wrong with you?

This didn't work, okay?

The wrong one asked me out and

the right one is with another woman,

what is so good about that?

- I don't exactly know how the universe works,

- Awesome

- but I do know this.

There's a reason you ran into your

ex ex after all this time.

- Yeah. Because you fucked up.

- Maybe.

But maybe that's your destiny,

and maybe my fuckup wasn't a fuckup at all.

- I know which guy I love, okay?

- That's my Harvey.

He's no fucking prize, I'll tell 'ya.

There's no guarantees in life,

but if you're meant to be with Ted it'll happen.

- What about Patrick?

- Who?

- My ex ex, Patrick.

- Ah, just ignore him.

I'm sure he'll let it go.

- He invited me to a party

- You sent the universe mixed signals,

and you come here telling me I fucked this up?

- Okay, I had nothing to do, it was on a Saturday night,

- Oh this is no good, no good at all.

- I don't know what to do, what do I do?

- If you're absolutely certain you want

this man out of your life forever,

there's only one way to break the spell.

You've gotta break his heart.

- Patrick?

- Let him move on.

It's the only way.

- I just don't think I can do that to him again.

- Want a beer?

- Do you have some?

- Here, it's on me.

- Sweet right?

- Um, hi, hello.

- What do you think?

- Um, it's cozy.

- Yeah, totally.

- Yeah.

- Dude, you made it.

- Of course, man.

- How's it going, man?

- Good. This is Mary.

- Hi.

- Hi, welcome, get in here.

- Thank you, hi.

I baked these for you.

- Dude, did you make hash brownies?

- No.

- Guys, Patrick's bitch made hash brownies!

- No, no, there's no drugs in them.

I'm an attorney, I wouldn't bake anything with drugs.

- All right so listen, there are kegs in the kitchen,

weed on the table and we still have at least

eight hours to get supremely fucked up!

- Sounds like a plan to me bro.

- Okay, I'll see you guys out there.

- So how do you know these guys again?

- Actually honorary frat member.

Too old to become a real one.

Sucks.

- I see.

- Let's grab some drinks.

Kegs are in the back.

- Good, yeah.

Think I'm going to need one.

Sorry.

- Keg party is generally reserved for college kids,

but it shouldn't be, I mean from a cost standpoint,

it's actually really a cheap way to party.

- Yeah, I'm just going to trust your math on that one.

- Oh, here's a brew for you and one for your bitch.

- She's not my bitch.

- You're here with someone else's bitch?

- I'm trying to impress this girl, okay?

She's not like us.

She's like high class.

- Shit, yeah, I got you.

Yo, Mary.

See that freshman, he just got circumcised today.

Yeah, he got this rash from these skeezy chick

and they had to top his cheese off.

What up?

Yo Mary, you should know that we all really

look up to Pattycake over here.

You know he could drive an 18-wheeler if he had to.

- Yeah, I know.

I saw it on his business card.

- Oh, that card is so dope!

- I like that card.

- Card's so dope. Yeah.

Um, so Jim, what are you studying in school?

- Pre-law, but rapping's my real passion,

whichever one comes first.

Actually you know what?

Here, check this floor right here all right.

- I'll kick it with you.

- Yeah, cool man.

- Yo yo yo Mary made me hash brownies

I'm gonna eat them when I smoke those trees

Hopefully this shit will bring me to my knees

Because my flow is dangerous like some

What what?

Disease!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about man.

- You're great.

- Thanks.

- Mary's a very successful attorney.

- Oh, no not really.

- No shit?

Can I ask you something?

- Sure.

- So if I was traveling like tomorrow and I got

like three hits of Ecstasy on me,

would I got to jail if I got caught?

- Are you going somewhere tomorrow, Jim?

- How'd you know that?

- Yeah, 100% you will go to jail and I would

be the first to prosecute you.

- Fuck.

Okay, cool.

Well, hey, thank you, nice meeting you

holy shit.

- Travel safe.

- Yo, dude, ixnay on the extasnay.

- Oh man, he's a charmer.

- Think you scared him straight.

- Damn girl, what'd you put in these brownies B?

- Cocoa, sugar, flour, why?

- Because we're so fucked up!

Yo me and my boys are trippin' on this shit.

Yo I'm seein' lights, dog.

- Those hash brownies contain a high-powered

LSD called purple haze.

You're going to be up for like three or four nights.

- Yo everything's so clear to me,

like I'm surrounded by clarity, you know,

like it all makes sense, dog.

- That is the power of the purple haze.

- What up!

Yo yo yo, this shit's laced

with purple glaze mother fucker!

Purple glaze!

- Bottom's up!

- Bottom's up!

- What do you say?

- Make love to me my wolf man?

- Yes, that's my girl.

That's my girl.

Oh. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Howl at that moon.

That's right.

Come on.

Hmm.

Ha.

Ho.

Mmm.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh!

- You good?

- Is good.

- Back pocket, you ready?

- The furthest one?

- Are you ready for this? Because I'm good.

- I don't think you're going to get it.

- I'm so good I'm closing my eyes, ready, one two

Did it go? I heard it.

- Not even close.

- Woo!

I am a married man, I am a married man.

- I am a single man, I am a single man.

- Is it bad that I took Viagra?

- Yes! What?

Way too early, what are you doing?

Way too early for that.

- I didn't know.

- You gotta time it right, man.

What are you doing?

You do it right before.

- I thought you meant right before the party.

- No, no, right before you do it.

What are you thinking?

You're going to walk around here with a huge tent.

- Hopefully.

- No!

Ah!

Do you have anymore?

- Yeah.

Shit dude, I'm on the clock.

- Yeah, go go.

- Hey, we used to party here.

What's the difference between a boner and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari!

- Dude, you gotta play it cool.

- What is wrong with you?

Panoramic man.

You shooting a whole video or

spank bank here?

- Yeah ABSB, always be spankbanking.

- Always be spankbanking.

- Down and up.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Panther show. Selfie!

We're just taking a selfie, konnichiwa!

- Of you.

- We'll see you later.

- What are you two perverts doing here?

- That's real nice, Sandra.

It's been what three, four years?

Maybe a little, hey, how you guys doing?

Nice to see you.

- You think we're perverts just cause we're filming

someone for masturbation?

That's stupid.

- Okay, yeah. Well I'm just here to support my friend

because I really don't trust her around

these little college grease balls.

- Ease up, man. She's here with Patrick.

- Yeah, she's with fucking Patrick.

- Yeah I trust him even less than the

frat house grease balls.

- Funny you mention that because all I remember

you doing for four years was greasing college balls.

- That's what I'm talking about.

What was your name in college again, do you remember?

- I remember.

- Yeah, what?

- Football gobbler.

- Football gobbler!

- Just like the Cookie Monster with testicles

instead of cookies.

Crumbs of testicles.

- Yeah.

- Oh that reminds me, the university called

they want all their sperm back.

- Because you sucked it out of all the balls.

- Yeah.

- It's funnier when I explain it.

- T is for testicles and testicles are...

- Are you here looking for your kids or?

- Are you looking for your kids balls?

- Oh, no! What are you doing?

Stop talking about kids balls ever!

- It just came out.

- I'm worried about you.

Seriously.

- I'm sorry, it came out.

- Don't say that, ever.

What is it with you and kid's balls.

- Okay.

- We'll drink later.

I like her.

- She's great. - Yeah.

- Sandra. Total whore.

- Oh see, it was good.

See she's good, she's better than you.

Oh my God, you made it, hi!

- Yeah, hi.

- Oh my God, look who it is.

- Sandra, I didn't think you'd show.

- She's like a little cherub because

she's so cute with her cheeks.

- Okay, yeah.

Okay this party fucking blows,

we need to go.

- But I'm having such a good time, you will too.

- Are you serious?

- What?

- These kids blow in like two minutes,

it's not worth my time.

- Nathan and Rob are coming.

- The pedophiles? In the foyer?

- Sandra, okay, just come for one hour

and have one drink and if you're not having

a really really good time in an hour then

we'll totally go home, I promise.

- Did someone say shots?

- Hey bro.

- Finally, some service.

- Jim, I see you met the cock juggler.

- Sorry, my friend, he meant thunder cunt.

- I'm sure there's a happy medium there somewhere.

- Cock juggling thunder cunt!

- Rob, I see your Viagra's kicked in,

did you pass by an elementary school?

- That's not funny!

Dude, Patrick, that's not fucking funny.

- I told you not to bring up the kid's balls.

- Why would you have to, did you say something to her?

- Stop talking about kid's balls.

- Yo, yo, guys get in here, grab a shot, let's go.

- To the 30-somethings!

- To the 30-somethings!

- I'm 21.

- Seriously? Question for you,

what are you watching for porn these days?

- Oh yeah, weirdest thing.

I masturbate so much I ran out of jizz.

I just, I can't finish, yeah.

- What the fuck you talking, what?

- Yeah I finish and my dick just goes .

- It coughs.

- What?

- It's like a turtle gagging.

- It's like a broken, I don't know.

making it hotter

- Look what we got here?

- Good.

- Here we go.

- Hello.

- We should play a game.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Charades!

- Hit us with something good, not too easy.

Oh shit, I've seen this.

Striptease.

- Showgirls?

- It is Showgirls!

Get the fuck out, get the fuck out

get the fuck out!

Gimme a second.

Get the fuck out.

- Is this still charades?

- Yeah, get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out!

- I don't understand what's happening.

- Get outta here!

- I should go.

- Oh yeah.

Okay, okay.

What are you doing?

- Relax, I got this.

- Get off, get out of here!

- No, you get the fuck out.

- Fucking get outta here!

- Sorry.

- I feel you, I feel you, I feel you.

- Don't look at me!

You look that way.

- Oh God.

Oh God.

- I'm okay, I'm okay.

- Okay, we can do this.

Okay, yeah, that will work.

Oh that smells.

Keep going, I can fight it, I can fight it.

- Oh shit.

- Patrick Nelson investor relations.

Huh-uh, I don't know about an amazing job

but I'm definitely getting that stock to climb.

I'm pumping it, it's like a roller coaster ride,

you gotta go up before you go down.

Then you go down, what are you doing dad?

- At the office it's Mr. Nelson.

- Nice to meet you Mr. Nelson.

My name is also Mr. Nelson.

- No, you'll go by your first and middle name

around here.

I don't want everyone to think I hired you because

of our familial relationship.

You got that, Patrick Michael?

- Mr. Nelson, don't you think that big picture

of me behind your desk gives it away?

- Don't be a smart ass, I have to treat you

like all the other employees.

Mind you, if I treated you like all the other

employees you would have been out

on your ass three months ago.

- I get it.

- Probably wouldn't have hired you in the first place.

- Said I got it.

- You gotta pump those phone calls.

- Look, I gotta a lot of work to do,

so if you don't mind?

- Did you get that life insurance policy done yet?

- Yeah, I got it but I don't know why.

I have no wife, no kids.

It's a three million dollar policy and you've got

me as a beneficiary.

I said I got it, are you trying to kill me or something?

- The way you've been drinking I'm

going to cash in within a year,

no I'm not trying to kill you, I love you kid,

just get some fucking work done.

Mr. Michael.

- Mr. Nelson, will do.

- I'm loving this place.

So romantic.

- Hmm.

- You take many girlfriend here?

- Every one.

- So I am girlfriend now!

- Natasha, we've only been

together for two weeks.

- What is point?

- That's 14 days.

Never mind. It's fine.

Have some bread.

- Excuses me.

- It's fine.

- I'll come back once you've had a chance

to look over the menus.

Or whatever it is that you do here, sir.

- Thank you, Gustavo.

- Sefton.

- He's rude.

- There's a lot of issues going on there.

- Cheersies!

- It's cheers.

Cheers.

Before we do that, there's something I'd like to tell you.

Put the glass down.

- I do something wrong again.

- Well, yes, but that's not the point.

It really doesn't matter.

The reason I asked you out here has to

do with our relationship.

- Oh, Ted! You asking me to marry you?

- Excuse me?

- Because I say da, da, da!

I mean, I'm sorry, darling,

I say yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

- It's not a proposal, she's making a mistake.

It's not a proposal, stop clapping.

It's not a proposal.

What is wrong with you?

- I thought you want marry me.

- Natasha, I wouldn't marry you if you were

the last woman on this planet.

You're as dumb as a brick and have zero opinions.

It took me meeting someone as painful to

be with as you to realize what I had.

Because Mary was smart.

She could communicate.

Can you spell that?

Not many people can.

Two m's.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm breaking up with you.

No, no no, Natasha.

We are different people.

I'm a fifth generation Rosen.

I'm a legacy.

You know, Donald Trump, Ted Rosen.

You're a cocktail waitress,

you get tips for having great tits.

Jesus.

Oh wow, perfect timing.

- Thank you, sir.

- You're enjoying this, aren't you?

- No sir.

- You sure about that?

- Yes sir.

- Give me the fucking thing, I'll do it.

Could you bring me the check too?

Oh good, there's more.

- When we have sex, he only have

sl-ow sex on top of me.

And he has small penis.

So small.

- Okay, none of that is true.

Stop laughing, sir.

- Okay, so did you break his heart yet?

- Okay, wait, so how late are you?

- I told you, like four days.

- What? Oh my God, Sandra.

Four days is nothing, you're fine.

- I'm never late.

- Who did you do?

- Nathan.

And Rob.

- I thought you hated Nathan and Rob.

- I do, I can't stand them.

- So you have a threesome with them.

- All right listen bitch.

I was at a shitty frat house party,

they were the only ones even close

to my age and I was completely fucking wasted,

I really don't see what the big deal is.

- Ever heard of a condom?

- Shut up.

- You know you two are supposed to be my friends,

how about some fucking advice?

- Okay, sorry.

It's a lot to take in, okay?

- Like literally, it is a lot to take in.

Two penises.

Two.

- What you've never been DP'd?

- That's you.

- Double penetration?

- No.

- What about a threesome?

- No.

- I mean I've never,

I haven't had a threesome.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, everyone has had a threesome.

- No, not me, you're a freak.

- Whatever.

Until you take one in the pink and one in the stink,

don't judge me.

- Okay, so just assuming that you're pregnant,

which you are totally not,

do you know who's it is?

Sandra?

- Okay, if she's pregnant it's definitely yours, Nips.

- Bullshit!

- How do you know she's preggos?

- She called me.

- Yeah, she called me too, K?

My fucking wife answered the phone.

This chick is going to ruin my whole marriage.

- And, why are we here?

- Because Rob and I are stressed.

I come here all the time anyways,

but I thought you two could

use a little yoga.

And Ludwig's the best instructor in town.

- Great call.

- Thank you. - Respect.

- Why do you think it's Rob's?

- Because I only fucked her in the ass!

Sorry.

- Rob fucked her in the pussy,

I didn't even touch the front.

- That is bullshit!

- No, it's not bullshit.

- Guess what, Einstein,

everybody knows that when you're DP-ing a girl

sometimes the jizz comes out of the ass

and goes into the pussy.

- What?

- That is a fact.

Look it up, look it up.

No, it's science.

- That is not science.

- Yeah, gravity, Isaac Newton.

- A jizz didn't fall on his head, an apple did.

- Yeah, you're an idiot.

Google, asshole!

- The only way it could possible happen

is if we were in space.

And then there's no gravity so it floated up.

There's no fracking way.

It's too viscous, it doesn't float down the taint.

- Isaac Newton.

- Yeah Isaac Newton never did a DP

and if he did he would say science proves a DP

can't make you pregnant. In the ass.

- You guys Dp'd her?

That's awesome, man.

- Who cares? We're in the middle

of a fucking pregnancy scare here.

- She's going to have her period dude,

this happens all the time.

- No, no, I saw this exact thing on Springer.

She's going to sue me for child support,

my wife is going to divorce me,

and then guess what?

I get to pay for three of these little fuckers!

- You are a monster.

- I love my babies, they mean everything to me.

I will fucking break you!

Yeah, you sit on your little fucking mat.

- He's very charming.

- Namaste everyone!

I would like us all to look into our centers today.

I see we have a few new faces with us.

What are your names?

- My name's Rob, sorry about the outburst.

- And I'm Patrick.

- Well, Patrick I take it from your t-shirt

you are referring to having a large endowment.

- Yeah.

It's just a t-shirt.

- There is plenty of false advertising in this world.

Proof is in the vision.

As demonstrated beautifully by Nathan's

impressive girth in those shorts.

Congratulations, Nathan.

- Thank you.

- Let us continue.

We are all creatures of toxins, so let us

relieve those poisons today!

Ya?

- Ya.

- Ah, hear the footsteps?

- Yeah.

- Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,

I would like to help you with your chakra.

Yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah

oh yeah, okay Jenny.

- Is he supposed to be doing that?

- Oh yeah, he's a real yoga.

- You're doing fantastic!

I can feel your center from across the room

when I watch you.

- Pretty sure that's illegal.

- He did it to me last week, it was great.

- Ah, good good good good.

- Thank you master Ludwig.

- I would like to continue the glimpse

I gave you last week into the tantric art of mugashi.

- Dude, you're going to love this.

- Gentlemen, into your mugashi positions please.

- First timers here, Master Ludwig.

What is mugashi?

- Mugashi is the tantric art of performing

fellatio on one's self.

- You mean, sucking your own dick?

- If you must use such a vulgar term, yes.

Just try to follow along with an open mind.

- Okay.

You're actually doing it?

- Yeah, why the hell not?

It's not like I'm getting laid at home.

Shit might come in handy.

- I just wish I was a squirter so I could

come right back in his face.

I tell him all the time, neck down.

- Jesus Christ, Becky this is a public space.

- Remember the guy who came in my eye?

Squirt!

- See you're a squirter, do you squirt?

Are you a squirter?

- Oh my God, I need some new friends.

I really do, you guys are like a bunch of frat boys.

- Okay could you know talk about frat boys?

Or frat parties? Or frat anything?

- Sandra, are you jerking a frataccino?

- Mary!

Hey.

- Oh my God, what do I do?

- Go talk to him.

- No, you need to walk away, you gotta walk,

like this, he won't see us.

- I can't do that.

- Yes, you can. - No--

Go talk to him.

- No!

- I'm just going to go see what he wants.

- No! No!

- Go, go!

- How've you been?

- Good, I guess.

Good as I can be.

- I'm really sorry about that, Mary.

I never meant to hurt you.

- God, Ted, such bullshit and you know it.

- Look I was going through some of my own stuff, you know?

Work was getting to me.

And to be honest, I was worried that I didn't deserve you.

Okay and look, things are going so well

and it scared me.

- You were scared that things were going so well.

- Look you're not a guy, you don't understand how we think.

We think that if things are perfect

then there's got to be something wrong.

- It's so random that they just ran

into each other like this, right?

- Yeah, totally random.

- Wait a minute.

Did you set this up?

- Of course I set this up.

Do you want our best friend to end up

with a loser like Patrick?

- You know what, Sandra?

You are a bitch.

And just because you're all dark and lonely inside,

doesn't mean everyone else has to be, okay?

Go fuck yourself.

And kiss my ass.

- What about that other woman?

- Who? Natasha?

- I don't know if Natasha's her name

- Babe, that's history.

You're my soulmate.

The one person that I'm meant to spend

the rest of my life with.

Sometimes it takes a while for a guy

to realize who he's meant to be with.

But I'm meant to be with you, honey.

Come here.

I love you, baby, I've always loved you.

I made a mistake.

Okay, I made a huge mistake.

- You made a colossal mistake.

- But I want to spend forever making up for it.

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- What kind of answer are you looking for here?

- I just can't believe you failed so spectacularly.

I mean who gets rejected for alcoholism?

What are you a full-blown drunk now?

- I had a few drinks the night before.

- You can't go out drinking the night before.

- I only had a few.

- A few?

Your blood alcohol level was .4

- They were doubled.

- And your sample was a deep yellow color

and had almost lost its liquid form.

- It was like honey in the piss cup.

It was really weird, actually.

- They were surprised you were alive.

- Okay, Mr. Nelson, I'm sorry.

What can I do to make it up to you?

- You know you sit around here, dicking around,

all day long.

I ask you to do one thing. One thing.

And as much as it pains me to do this,

you're fired.

- Yeah.

- You're fired.

- Check the flow, check the flow

- We'll just need a few minutes.

- Sorry.

Some fancy place.

Check out all the suits,

looks like my dad's office or some shit.

- Yeah, lot of, finance people come here.

- I forgot to tell you, you look beautiful.

- Thank you.

You look really nice.

- Really?

- Hmm-mm.

- Cause I feel like a nerd.

I can't remember the last time I wore a shirt

with an actual collar.

You know you can put a blazer over

almost anything and people actually think you're dressed up.

- Oh yeah, even an Anvil t-shirt?

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

- No, I understand.

I mean that well but why does that define a person?

You're not your fucking khakis!

It's straight from Fight Club.

Awesome flick.

- I don't know what to say.

- Patrick I have really, really enjoyed

spending time with you again.

- Me too.

I actually think I'm falling for you all over again.

- That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

I ran into my ex-boyfriend, Ted.

- The guy who broke your heart?

- Yeah, that guy.

It was really weird, we just kinda bumped

into each other on the street, and...

- Cool story.

- He said he wanted me back.

He said he'd made a huge, huge mistake.

- Sounds like he's lonely and needs to get laid.

- I think he really loves me.

- He dumped your ass cold after two years,

how can you possibly think he still loves you?

- Because he gave me this.

- That's on your finger.

- We're going to get married.

- Fuck.

I didn't think this was going to happen,

but you broke my heart again.

- Patrick, I never meant to hurt you.

- You know there's a difference between

saying that and doing it?

- Look you are a great guy.

It's just Ted and I have so much in common.

- And I'm just a lazy kid who works for his dad, right?

Maybe I am.

So what?

I can improve.

But Ted will always be an asshole.

- Patrick

- I want you to be happy, I mean that.

refusing to grow up

about finding love

fucked up in his ways

there'll be better days

cause he's a fucking prick

and hides a tiny dick

gotta go your own way

going to lead you astray

- Yo, marry a girl named Mary, that's trippy dog.

- Yah

- Shit.

- What do you think about the first day of spring?

I mean the leaves are out, birds are chirping.

Ted?

Ted?

Ted?

- What?

Jesus Christ, Mary, I'm working here.

- First day of spring?

- What about it?

- To get married.

- It's not going to work for me.

I have a huge conference around then,

I can't miss it, sorry.

- Ted, this is really important to me.

- What?

- I said this is important to me.

I want our wedding day to be special.

- Baby, I love you.

But I really don't have time to deal

with this right now, okay?

I've gotta prep for tomorrow.

- Don't you want it to be special?

- Of course I want it to be special.

But honey, this wedding stuff is your area.

Just clear the cost with me and I'll be good.

But I can't do spring, even with the birds

chirping and everything else.

Tell you what, why don't we do it sooner?

I mean there's no point in waiting any

longer than we have to, right?

- Okay.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Okay, sooner.

- Good.

We'll do it sooner.

Look how happy you are.

Eh? That didn't take a lot.

- They go really well together.

- Together?

- Hey, yo Mary!

- Hey! Jim, right?

- Yeah.

This is my girl, Tracy.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- This is Ted, Ted is my fiancee.

- Oh yo, that's why Patrick's so bummed.

- Who's Patrick?

- Oh, Patrick he's, he's just a friend.

- Oh, great.

So real, real nice place you got here.

Right?

So tell me some things, Jim, right?

- Yeah.

- What do you want to do with your life, Jim?

I mean other than sitting on the front porch

and you know.

Right?

I saw that.

- As I told Mary earlier, I'm actually in pre-law,

but you know, rapping's my real passion.

You know dropping a beat?

- No shit?

For real?

- Yeah he's good.

- Break it down for me Marshall Mathers,

what do you got? How's your flow?

- Should I do it?

- Should you do it?

Of course he should, Mary?

- I've got a little thing I've been working on.

- Give us some Flavor Flav.

room my gun on my hip

hard, starting to trip

bang bang boom

lights up the room

And then yo, check it, the chorus is real

- Bring it, bring it, yeah yeah.

nothing else to say

- Yeah!

- You're very good.

- It's kinda like a work in progress.

- Yeah. I can tell.

Can I be honest with you bro?

- Yeah, please man.

- That was terrible.

- Seriously, Ted?

- Yeah I haven't really been at it that long.

- Just keeping it real, I'm just keeping it real.

I gotta tell you something, bro.

Stick to school, honestly.

Because this rap thing, it's not your forte.

Even with Nicki Minaj?

- That's enough.

- No, no, Mary.

Oh shit, Mary if you want to stick around with

this high school musical that's your prerogative, but uh

- Yo, Mary.

Can I talk to you alone for a second?

- Sure.

- Hey, yo biggie, peace out, right?

Keeping it real, in the hood,

Bloods and Crips. - Great, thank you.

- Actually I've got a little rap for you, all right?

Here we go I'm going to drop it for you.

that Mary shouldn't follow

load his mom shoulda swallowed

- Oh!

- How do you like those beats?

- That's pretty good, that's not bad.

Wait a second.

Oh, what is that?

That's the sound of your career, which is non-existent.

- Get out of here!

- I'm going to get the car

- See you later big man.

- I am so sorry about Ted, he has been under

a lot of stress.

- You should respect your neighbors and

clean this shit up, just saying.

- You know what, he's so nervous when

he meets new people, and it looks

like arrogance but he's just being funny.

- It's about Patrick, okay.

Like we haven't seen him in weeks.

I mean he says he's improving his life but

- Mary, where are we parked?

- It's around the block, remember we walked?

- Like any day now.

- So Patrick,

- Yeah.

- Maybe you kinda broke his heart?

- Yes, that might have been me.

- Where the fuck did we park?

- Ted, shut up!

- Well where is it?

- He's not the kind of guy to ever talk about chicks,

but after he bumped into you he would not

stop talking about you.

- Really?

- I thought you should know that before you

go get hitched to Johnny Pinstripe over there

who's using you as a slam piece.

- Ted and I are really in love, it's just our rapport

with each other, we're actually getting married,

on the weekend.

So, we're excited about that.

- All right then.

- Hey, look, it was really nice to see you,

and good luck with school, I'm so happy.

- We're actually getting married on the weekend

on the weekend

on the weekend

- Fuck!

- Oh yeah, just sitting on the stairs,

nothing's going on

Oh, yeah, you don't like the look of me.

Come on, Jesus Christ.

What?

Fuck!

Okay, look, I'll get there soon I'm

doing something.

Okay, bye.

All right, ooo.

- Can you get that please, Anna?

- Ay ya, you get it!

- Anna I am trying to make a soup here,

can you please get that?

- Hah! Hello?

What?

He's a busy Jim.

- Hang on a second, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

- You can talk on the phone after!

- What?

- Fuck!

- Yeah I can be there in 20.

- Where do you think you're going?

- I was just joking, I was just joking

I've got soup, I wouldn't go anywhere.

I won't go.

- Ugh.

- I'll be there in 20.

- Master Ludwig?

Master Ludwig?

Master Ludwig!

Master Ludwig!

- Nathan, my son, relax!

What troubles you?

- Come with me please, Patrick needs us.

- Oh, well if my finest pupil needs me,

of course I will be there.

Just, help me to clean up.

Will you pass me a towel?

- Seems like you could probably just grab it yourself.

It's right there.

- Nathan, come on after all this time

come on, come on.

Nathan.

- Sure.

- Nathan.

Good boy.

Let's go shall we?

- You want to put some pants on?

- Nei, nei, nei.

- What?

She can't be getting married today

she just got engaged.

- You were so close to climbing back

in Mary's pussy man.

- Aw, she's a sweet ass.

- Yeah that's right.

- What the fuck is wrong with you two?

- I'm just trying to encourage him.

- Encourage him to what?

- This is the plan.

We're all going to crash Mary's fucking wedding.

- Yeah.

- We?

- We have about four hours to kill before the ceremony.

Go hit a pub, get up some liquid courage.

Crash that fucking church.

- Fucking A, I'm your soldier man.

Gotta drive till we die.

- Have you lost your mind?

I can't just go crash a wedding.

My wife thinks I'm still in the washroom taking a shit.

It's only a matter of time before she picks the lock

and sees I've climbed out the back window.

- No.

You sure as hell can go.

Look our boy Patrick is in love with this woman.

Doesn't matter that he procrastinated until

the very end to try and stop Mary's wedding.

He's putting his heart out there.

He's going to do something usually reserved just

for shitty movies, he's going to crash a fucking wedding.

And all of us are going to do everything we can

to back this guy up, okay?

- Thanks buddy.

- Yeah.

- I appreciate that.

- Whatever, because if we go now we have time for

six, maybe seven, eight

- Ten?

- Ten beers before we leave for the church.

- Maybe we can just buy a keg or something, you know.

- 20 bucks each.

- Yeah, I feel that.

- Economically feasible.

- Okay. Yeah.

What if Mary hates you for the rest of her life

for ruining her wedding day?

- Fuck.

- I don't know, but I know if I don't do this today

I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life.

- I support you my brother.

- Tight, thanks Ludwig.

- I'm in.

I'm not going to do that thing, but I'm in.

- Got your back, buddy.

- Thanks, I know you do.

- Rob?

I've known you my whole life.

Remember the time on the school bus when

you had that wet fart?

And I didn't tell anybody even though

you smelled like pure and utter shit?

And do you remember how I even let you

borrow my sweater to wrap around your waist

to cover up the shit stain?

- Yeah.

I do.

Obviously I wish you hadn't shared that with

the whole group right now.

But I'll never forget what you did for me that day.

Covered up my shit.

- Yeah, and I would again.

Because you're my brother and I love you.

This is my wet fart.

Can you cover up my shit for me?

Can you do that for me, can you cover up my shit?

- My brother, it would be an honor.

My wife can't just tell me what to do.

I'm going to tell her she can kiss my ass.

Shit! She must have heard me!

Shut the fuck up.

Hey, honey.

Yeah everything's fine in here,

just a little backed up.

See, nothing's coming out.

Okay.

I love you.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Guess what boys, looks like we got

a mother fucking wedding to crash!

- Let's roll.

- Woo!

- Ladies, guess what time it is?

- I have to make it does the aisle, remember?

- Most women wait until after their married

to let themselves go, but I say why wait?

Cheers to that!

- Well, at least you're not pregnant.

- Nathan] Can this car go any faster?

The gas pedal's on the right.

- The car is starting to shake,

I'm pretty sure this is as fast as it goes.

- This car is old but it's reliable.

- It may be reliable, but it still needs gas.

- Are you trying to blame this on me?

This was your idea.

- No, this car's a piece of shit.

- Fuck!

- I can't believe you're getting married.

Who is it?

- It's me, Ted.

- Oh my God, what are you doing here, sweetie?

What's going on?

- Something wrong?

- Yeah, something's wrong it's bad luck

to see the bride before the wedding!

- Shit come on, please please,

if I believed in luck I wouldn't be doing

so well in the market.

- Oh my God, can you just go five minutes

without talking business?

- No.

Ladies, can I have a minute alone with the bride to be?

Please?

- Yeah, she's all yours.

- Oh, hold that for you?

Okay, okay, okay.

Woo, shabbat shalom.

Look, I may talk business all the time,

but that's just who I am.

Okay?

There's car guys, there's music guys,

I just happen to be a money guy.

Besides, I think it complements your flakiness.

- Excuse me?

- Well you can be a little bit flaky.

Nothing against you, it's just who you are.

Which is why I came in here to remind you of a few

things from the rehearsal.

- I'm not flaky.

- Honey, no offense.

- You came in here to remind me of the rehearsal

that I organized?

Oh, and not to be flaky, and your response is no offense.

- Yeah. Did I do something wrong?

- What did you want to tell me again, sweetheart?

- Okay, basically I have to lower the veil to symbolize

you're no longer approachable, it's you know,

Jewish tradition.

- Yes, Ted, I know.

I remember, and I totally will.

- Good.

Oh, hello handsome.

Oh, and don't forget to just make sure that you

come out on time, okay?

I don't want the guests to be offended.

- Oh, don't worry honey, I wouldn't dream

of offending our guests on our wedding day.

- Is that sarcasm?

- Is there anything else?

- There's some serious players out there.

- I'm sorry, Ted what was the thing about the veil again?

I forget!

- Please don't embarrass me today.

Okay?

- No, Ted, it's not okay.

I have been waiting a really long time for this day

and I am not going to spend it playing politics

with your associates.

- Mary. You're acting like a brat.

- Oh is that how you treat your soulmate on your

wedding day, Ted?

- Mary, come on.

- Seriously, when you first told me that I was

your soulmate, I thought it was cheesy.

And I know it took you a really long time to realize

what you finally wanted with me,

but I totally get it now.

- You do?

- I do.

- Great. Perfect.

I'll see you out there then.

On time.

Perfect. Bye!

- What do we do now?

- Dude, I'm way too stoned to walk.

- The church is only five miles away.

- Have you ever actually run five miles?

- I'm up to three miles on the treadmill.

- Hey that's a treadmill this is a highway in the sun

wearing a suit.

- Yeah, don't forget the dress shoes.

- There is no support in those.

- It's the hard heels.

- The arch will collapse.

- Tendonitis in the knees, I've had it for years

because of dress shoes.

- Okay we can all focus on the negative,

but I'm going to do this.

Right, Ludwig?

- Dude, you got no shot.

- Okay, I love you all, but I have to leave.

Like right now.

- Go get her, buddy.

- Go for it buddy.

- Clap him out boys, clap him out

- You got this man, you got this.

For love

- Respect that.

He is so fucked.

- He's going to die.

- Oh yeah, that ain't gonna work, at all.

- He's going to get run over by a car

is what's going to happen.

- A hundy P.

The worst part about this is that we're going

to have to now plan his funeral.

I hate it.

- I have such a busy week.

- He's going to die.

- Actually, this is a little awkward,

can I borrow your shirt?

- What?

- I'm about to give birth to a cornback

rattler over here, all right, I'm touching cloth

I need to lay the cable, can I please just

borrow your shirt?

- You want to shit on my shirt?

- No dude, I don't want to shit on your shirt,

that's stupid, I need it to floss, you know?

- Oh, well in that case, no!

You can't use my shirt as toilet paper.

- Come on, I teach you wipe-less method.

- Is this strange that I kind of want to watch this?

- I've gotta phone.

- Sideways, sideways.

- Sideways.

for a girl like you

a girl like you

into the darkest day

into eyes so true

with a girl like you

- Hey Patrick!

Patrick!

- Mary?

- What are you doing?

- I was jogging.

- Oh.

Come over here for a sec.

- Think you can come here?

I'm just a little tired.

- Okay.

Hey.

You okay?

- Too much cardio.

- Look, Patrick I gotta tell you something okay?

- Don't say anything.

Just let me catch my breath.

Look, I know you're in love,

but I know he can't love you as much as I do.

And he know he won't care for you

the way that I will.

Look, I'm growing up Mary.

Look at this.

This is from my real estate course.

Now granted I've only passed stage one

and it's by far the easiest stage,

but I'm really trying.

I know crashing a wedding's really cliche

and I didn't even make it there on time,

but if you take me back,

I'll make you the happiest woman in the world.

- Patrick I said no.

- I know you did.

I just thought I'd give it another shot.

Have a great life.

- Said no, to Ted.

- What?

- We didn't get married.

- I don't understand.

- I was just so consumed with living this fantasy life,

I never saw who he really was.

And then you came back and I felt things

that I haven't felt in years.

I felt like me again.

And i know I broke your heart.

- Twice.

- But I can't stop thinking about that

rock and roll guy who's young at heart

and never stopped loving me.

- I want to be a rock and roll guy, maybe,

otherwise it sounds just like me.

I missed you.

- I missed you too.

You want a ride?

- I don't think I can jog.

- Come on.

- Woo! Yo, bro!

Can't say I didn't cover up your wet fart now!

Ha ha! He's sucking his own dick!

- What was that about?

- It's a long story.

We got plenty of time to catch up.

- Oh God, please don't say something lame

like for the rest of our lives.

- Fuck no, I'm hungry.

Let's go eat.

- Get on.

- All right.

All right.

for a girl like you

story of Pat and Mary

undiscovered but meant to be

deny that love was so wrong

all sing the same song

there'll be better days

in all that purple glaze

shoot and be true to you

- Yo, in the end, we're all just looking for the real thing.

- Hmm-mm.

- All that glitters ain't gold.

Just look at our fucking bling.

- Yah

about a rapper named Jim

- Yo, whoa, hold up a second, all right?

All right.

You know I set them up.

- Yeah

- You know i guess I did that, you know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah yeah

Okay good, we done now?

Fuck.

No, don't be like that B.

back, I never did that

crack, I never did that

stacks, I never did that

yeah I guess I did that

back, I never did that

rules, I never did that

game, I never did that

breeze, I guess I did that

game, I never did that

flame, I never did that

game, I never did that

I guess I did that

defeat, I never did that

restraint, I never did that

deny, I never did that

yeah I guess I did that

if there's no amends

we never did that

Let's bring him back.

cry, I never did that

no thing, I never did that

shit, I never did that

clutch, yeah I fucking did that

lash, I never did that

dopin', I never did that

space, I never did that

yeah I guess I do that

most, I never did that

fit, I never did that

go, I never do that

spade, of course I do that

if there's no amends

we never did that

let's bring him back

creep, I never do that

I never been that

it can never be that

I never want that

thing, I never do that

I never want that

think about that