Original subtitles

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Humans?

So tiny!

Why poke my foot?

Monk Tang, over here!

Monk Tang.

Over here!

You've been asleep for ages.

We wanted to wake you...

We have good news...

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Monk Tang, we have great news to tell you.

Congratulations!

You're in the place...

...you've always dreamed of.

This is India?

Correct!

India

I've reached my destination at last.

Sorry.

Master.

You've shrunk too?

Master, why are you in India too?

Monk Tang, you haven't let me down.

You wanted 22 sutras.

They're loaded on 10 horse carts.

They're yours if you want them.

Help yourself.

But the main reason I'm here today...

...is to give you an award.

What award?

For living this long.

Try it on.

What an honor.

I like it.

Discreet or bold...

You control it.

The right side is brighter, you see?

You can even it up.

May we ask for a few words?

I need to think about it.

Master!

What... is going on?

Have fun!

Monk! Pay your way...

...or the boss will throw you out.

I know.

Blindfold knife-throwing! Amazing physical feats!

Roll up, roll up! Don't miss this!

Our guest stars are travelers heading west...

The pig, the fish and the monkey.

Greatest show on earth.

Only two cents per person.

How about half price?

Buy one, get one free?

It's a deal.

Thank you.

Show time.

The gorgeous... Pigsy!

Woman...

What's your name? Your age?

Crazy!

The great fish monster...

...Sandy!

How dare you scare my kid! Shame on you!

Money back!

Money back?

Making me angry?

Money back!

Give us another chance!

We have more to show you.

Give us another chance!

If we don't like 'em...

You pay everyone back double!

All right.

His Excellency... The Monkey King!

Fake! Money back!

Monkey, do some somersaults!

Paying back double will clean us out!

All right...

Your generosity will keep us fed for several days.

Take it back.

Boss, this monk cheats!

He can't pay us back! Throw him out!

You're a disgrace to my circus! Scram!

Boss, we're not circus people.

We are Buddhist monks.

Our road is long and hard, we are hungry.

And I'm sick!

My body aches.

It's been days since I last ate.

So pitiful? Come...

These two buns...

...are for righteous men.

Men who deserve help.

Are you worthy?

We're really from the Great Tang Dynasty.

We conquer demons.

Monkey, show them your skills.

Hit me.

Hit me

I can't do that, Brother Monkey

I'm not suicidal.

Shall I hit you then?

I'd like that even less, Brother Monkey.

Fine, you only live once, I'll hit you.

Brother, you're hard as a rock!

It's as if my whole arm is shattered!

Pretty boy, have you no shame?

Watch some more before you complain.

And stop poking me

I need to.

Hit me... Master wants us to perform

I'm hungry, I have no strength.

Again.

That's no excuse for shirking.

Hit me, stupid!

I've heard there are fake demon-vanquishers around.

They've left many people hurt.

You must be the ones!

Yes, we're guilty.

The problem is that my disciples are too strong.

Sure, you just keep on bragging...

One blow is enough.

Stop now.

That'll do for now.

You're so desirable!

Let me stoke your fires a little.

No! Get off me!

Monkey, don't just squat there.

Do something about it!

I'm so sorry, that's really all from us.

No charge for what you've just seen.

Great sir.

Your performance is more than impressive.

Say no more, try this candied fruit.

Let us be brothers.

Brother, now you've seen what they can do

I wish they could control themselves better.

We really do conquer demons.

Of course you do.

Monkey, come and apologize.

Pick up your head-band.

Put it on.

Wear it properly now

I'm doing it.

You talk while chewing a twig? Bad monkey!

I won't if you don't like it.

But stop calling me 'Bad monkey'!

I can call you that if I want to.

Bad monkey.

Bad monkey.

Great!

Say it just one more time...

I'm scared.

It's horrible! Makes me so scared!

Aren't you all afraid?

Even if he throws tantrums.

You can't be lenient.

Let's all scold him together

1, 2, 3...

Bad monkey!

"My boy, my boy..."

"Why are you so bad?"

"Bullying, cheating..."

"Why make me so sad?"

"Learn to be a good boy."

"Learn to love."

"Care for others."

"Fill your heart with color"

“My good boy...“

"Hurry back to me."

"My embrace..."

“My good boy...“

"Be sincere."

"You're the one I love most."

Master, ours is just a small enterprise.

What you see is all we have.

If it's not enough for you...

...then all we can is offer our lives.

Stop.

First, I'm not here to extort anything from you.

Second...

Never mind, I won't say it.

JOURNEY TO THE WEST: THE DEMONS STRIKE BACK

When did your mother...

...start behaving like this?

A few days ago

I don't know why.

Soon after we moved here...

...she began talking nonsense.

If I approach her...

...she scratches me like a mad thing.

I have no idea why she's like this

I'm completely exhausted.

Luckily my two daughters...

...help me take care of my mother.

It wears them out.

They're your daughters?

God-daughters.

How old are they?

They just turned sixteen.

They look a little haggard.

They've been working too hard.

They were radiant before.

How horrible!

Grandma, have some congee.

You haven't eaten all day.

Another fit?

Ma, are you all right?

Ma, Ma, Ma...

It's me... Calm down.

Quick! The exorcism mirror!

Coming right up!

Ten thousand gods send down thunderbolts...

...to reveal the hidden demons!

Show yourself!

All demons, be revealed!

Nothing?

But the whole room smells foul.

If it's not her body, then...

...maybe she has second sight.

She sees the demons in others.

That's why she's so scared.

Could it be those two?

I've put up with them for too long.

All demons, be revealed!

Too bright! I can't see anything!

What? Not them either.

Could it be...

A hairy crab!

You bad monkey!

You bad monkey!

Bad monkey!

Look at that.

Master's whip is really strong today.

That whip has kept Monkey under control for 500 years.

It needs to be strong.

You knew those two were shape-shifters.

Why didn't you stop them?

You asked me to perform.

Sol did.

And what did you perform?

I asked for a couple of somersaults.

And you destroyed a family!

Then you shouldn't have called me "Bad monkey".

You know that makes me go berserk

I didn't mean to call you that.

Everyone knows I don't mean it.

Such a small thing and you try to kill me?

Such ruthless.

Open your mouth!

Wider! You want my life.

Now I'm offering you my life.

Bite! You're a coward if you don't.

Hey, something to see here!

Bite!

Do it.

Why did you treat me like that?

Speak! Say something!

Why do you keep doing it?

Cheating me! Provoking me!

Hurting me! Torturing me! Mistreating me!

It seems our days of conquering demons...

...have come to an end.

Let's disband.

"Disband"?

Does "disband" mean he wants to kill us?

Master!

I understand why Master does these things.

But please drink this medicine first.

From now on... I'll be obedient.

What are you saying? I'm not punishing you.

Master, you surely know...

My brothers and I... We are all of one heart.

If you punish Brother Monkey... Then my heart aches too.

And my heart...

...is really aching.

That's so true.

When I hit you.

My heart really aches.

Master, try it if you don't believe us.

When I punish you...

I suffer heartache too.

If I'd set off to find the sutras on my own...

I'd have got there long ago.

Having you with me doesn't help at all

I can subdue one hundred foes...

...single-handed.

Do I need to tell you this?

I've mastered Buddha's Palm.

Do I really need to tell you this?

So it's not that you're helping me to find the sutras

I'm helping you to make merit and learn Buddhism.

Do I make myself crystal clear?

Do you get it?

Yes, we do.

That's enough for now.

Go to bed, we've got much to do tomorrow.

"Sinful monkey!"

"I'll show you my Buddha's Palm!"

Did you miss me?

He's even teasing Brother Monkey.

Master's mind has reached such a high level.

That's not Brother Monkey he's embracing.

It's someone else.

Amitabha, Amitabha.

Master, you seemed happy last night.

We were happy to see you happy.

But we won't tell on you.

What are you on about?

No water left.

Second Brother, fetch some water.

Why do I have to do it?

How did you come up...

...up with that idea?

Stop quarreling, I'll go.

Alms giver, excuse me...

I was just passing.

May I trouble you for water to boil rice?

There's no need for that.

You're welcome to eat here

I'm vegetarian.

What luck!

We're having vegetarian food.

We're devout too, we share the same path.

It's natural for us to share our meal.

And you can stay after eating.

We'll be able to compare notes.

He's ill, won't he taste bad?

Never mind, we can heal him first.

It would be impolite to refuse.

No need to cook come and eat here.

What about my congee?

I prepared it this morning.

Your congee will be burnt.

Go back and watch the fire.

Alms giver, your medicine works a treat

I feel better already.

These three are my delinquent disciples.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Don't flirt.

Nice to meet you.

To hell with that, what's nice about it?

Sandy, what are you saying?

I was cooking congee.

What are you up to?

"Nice, nice, nice..."

What do you all think you're doing?

I'm sorry, my disciple is a touch simple-minded.

It doesn't matter.

May I just ask you...

Are there any demons here?

Master, please don't scare me.

Why would there be demons here?

You're going too far.

Why ask such a question?

Actually...

We conquer demons.

I did wonder... Really?

You've been so hospitable...

But we have nothing to repay it.

All I can offer is a one-off exorcism.

Really? You're terribly kind...

But, sad to say...

There are no demons here.

See my face?

Hit me.

Come on, quick!

If you don't, I'll beat you to death.

Really?

Why?

I told you to hit me, scum

I'll ask you again.

Hit me, you asshole!

Have you lost it again?

I'm not an asshole.

You definitely are.

But I was calling her an asshole, not you.

Damn you!

You assholes take me as your Master?

Clear out of here.

Clear out of here.

Sorry about that.

Get out, all of you.

She kindly invited us to eat.

You bang her table and ask her to hit you.

And call her an asshole.

Go and face the wall.

Contemplate what you've done.

What have you ever contributed to society?

Don't come back until you figure it out.

Come back!

Master, we haven't figured it out yet.

Don't give it any more thought.

Come back!

Still contemplating it.

She's caught me!

Rake.

Up, up!

Up, up!

Quick, up!

You can stop now.

Master, time to show your hand.

You're so kind.

Beauty!

Such long legs...

- What're you doing? - I like them

I'm a spider!

You must be kidding!

I'm just a pig.

I wasn't kidding.

Your resistance makes me stronger.

Don't go, I am talking to you!

What's that noise?

Don't worry, it's Sandy

Sandy, are you all right?

A bit poisoned, a bit dazed.

Seems like time for me to step in now.

Conquering demons takes sincerity.

Lead them to benevolence.

No violence necessary.

"Without a knife, a butcher can be a Buddha."

Stop!

Monkey...

You are too rude.

Only a coolie needs to use such strength.

Go away.

Let me handle this.

Brother Monkey, be more gentle

I've only just got started with her.

She has such long legs.

A rare species though.

Quiet.

Let go.

All done, Master.

What?

You finished her before I had a chance.

What were you thinking?

What, don't you know you were in great danger?

She coulda swallowed you whole.

You're lucky I strike fast

I took her out with one blow.

How many times have I told you?

To conquer a demon, educate it.

Didn't you see the smile on her face just now?

Smile?

She smiled at the prospect of eating you.

Outrageous!

That smile was so sincere.

My smile is even more sincere.

Guess: do I love you?

Or will I kill you?

Who the hell are you?

How can I help you?

Did you see that? He's so handsome.

You're almost better-looking than me.

You know that?

Of course, you can't stand it?

Can you?

Of course not, how about you?

What's Baldy doing up there?

Thinking.

About what?

About Miss Duan.

I don't care who he's thinking about.

I can overlook this baldy's propensity for violence.

But he's started going too far.

Lying beside me, swaying and fondling...

Asking if I miss him...

Just thinking of it gives me goosebumps.

Well, that needs to stop.

Why not just kill him?

Forget it.

You always dance to Baldy's tune.

You can do nothing

I'll pull out his tongue...

...and tie it in a knot!

What kind of tune would he sing then?

He still knows the Buddha's Palm technique

I'm not scared.

If I break his arm...

...how can use Buddha's sodding Palm?

Master, how long have you been standing there?

Just now

I came to see how you're doing.

Don't worry, I heard nothing.

Master...

How come you lost your voice?

I haven't.

Out here in the wild...

...we shouldn't disturb others by being loud.

Really?

For sure.

Have I ever... lied to you?

All right, you all relax, I'll just relieve myself

Buddha, Buddha.

My three disciples are unruly

I have failed to teach them well

I know three hundred songs for children.

But nothing else

I've been pretending to be capable.

How can I go on like this?

Now they are plotting to kill me.

And I've lost my singing voice.

Be merciful, Buddha.

Teach me your holy Buddha's Palm.

Your follower will be forever grateful.

I beg you, please

Buddha, do your hear me?

Give me a sign please.

Even a little fart would do...

Pigsy, how long have you been there?

Not long, I didn't see what you were doing.

Don't worry, I didn't hear anything either

I've been good to you.

You know what you should do.

What should I do?

All I can do is be myself.

What I was getting at is...

"Silence is golden."

Master, all I did was break wind.

But all your threats and pressures...

...weigh on me heavily.

So that's your game.

You should watch out

I know where your family is.

Understood.

Monkey, what are you doing?

You're the one who needs to watch out

I'd like to experience...

...my Master's holy Buddha's Palm.

What are you talking about?

You didn't get it?

I want to compare strength with you.

You run?

"My boy, my boy."

"Why are you so naughty?"

"Bullying, cheating..."

"Why behave that way?"

"Learn to behave better."

"Closeness, love."

"Be tender in your heart."

Damn Baldy, enough with the singing.

Fight me!

"Good child..."

Where can you run to?

All right.

If that's what you really want, I'll indulge you.

So it's clobbering time.

Wait, give me a moment.

I was just toying with you, Master.

Just working up a sweat.

You scared me to death.

What on earth are you up to now?

None of your business.

You're so handsome, you've gone bald...

Do you mean that?

I'd be a pig if I lied.

How did it go?

Did you tear Baldy to shreds?

Was his blood running everywhere?

Wait, have you really killed him?

You tricked me.

Pigsy, have you learnt what "Silence is golden" means?

I just did.

Now you're poisoned, I have to pull you.

Will you please stop dousing me?

I caught a cold, my nose is runny.

Caught a cold? Bullshit! You'd better die now.

Less trouble for me that way.

Monkey...

When do you think Sandy will turn back into a man?

No idea, I have never paid attention to that.

Master, you really want to know?

Maybe...

...not.

"Bi-Qiu Kingdom."

The Minister is here.

Hail, your eminence.

Master Tang is an eminent monk indeed.

His bearing is graceful.

My admiration is heartfelt.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

May I ask how your eminence knew I was coming?

I am flattered...

Most flattered.

Master Tang's reputation precedes him.

And your three brilliant companions...

...are also awe-inspiring

I learned that the four of you...

...would pass by here.

The king sent me to greet you here.

Let's go to the palace.

We can chat there.

Neat trick.

It's just a trifle.

Don't play any more tricks.

It wasn't me, I didn't do anything.

What did I do?

Bloom.

Hey presto.

Your eminence...

There's something which puzzles me for a while.

Are your magic tricks...

...intended to seem fake?

Master, we both know that in this world...

...magic tricks are illusions.

Why care whether they seem real or fake?

Let's go.

Cultivating oneself is different from playing tricks.

The crucial thing...

...is what's in the heart.

Master...

You are bottling something up.

What's on your mind?

There's someone in your heart, you yearn for her.

You can't forget her

I'm afraid you're wrong, there's not.

Learning humanity...

...is like having religious faith.

Following your heart will keep you young.

A person who can't be honest with himself...

...is hypocritical.

That's why I cultivate myself...

...according to my heart's desires.

So what 'cultivation' means to you is...

Doing what I damn well like.

What are they kneeling for?

It's a game, losers have to kneel.

The king has lately taken rejuvenation pills.

Now he behaves like a child.

It's as if he took my counsel about following his heart.

The king is easily coaxed.

Simply fawn on him and you'll be well rewarded

I'll expect my cut, of course.

Let's split it by 50/50, ok?

That's...

I'm just joking, you didn't think I was serious?

Look, our beauties are greeting you.

Impressive, I like it.

Your Majesty...

Honorable guests are here

I am Tang

I am crossing your great country.

My three disciples and I are here to pay our respects.

Hug, hug.

Splendid.

Look, this king is sillier than our Master.

No way.

No-one is sillier than our Master.

Hug, hug.

Please respond in kind to the king's high protocol.

Too late, he's too stuck-up.

Here.

I hear that you conquer demons.

It's true.

Don't believe it, show me some tricks.

I think Your Majesty is confused.

Conquering demons is not an acrobatic trick.

You will do as I order.

You will speak... as I order.

If you don't obey.

You insult my dignity.

Now I'll have your head chopped off.

And hand it on the door.

Great, this king has brilliant ideas.

My kind of king.

Men.

Off with his head!

Don't worry...

Really, Minister?

It's a joke

I see...

It doesn't seem so.

Doesn't seem what?

Your Majesty.

We can perform a bit for you.

Monkey, show His Majesty a few tricks.

You ask a nobody to entertain me?

That's a deliberate insult!

Death penalty!

Your Majesty, I must show you my tricks.

Don't try to talk me out of it, I'll do it.

Just give me a moment and I'll be with you.

Get a move on.

Master, are you really going to perform?

Do I have any choice?

He can't get through.

What should we do?

No big deal, just show them your Buddha's Palm.

It's not a parlor trick.

How about I take Master's form?

I can perform something for the king.

You just want to have your way with the maids.

Go now if you have the guts.

Stone, paper, scissors.

Stone, paper, scissors.

I know what...

Use the talisman of obedience.

That again? That's an old idea.

New ideas are thin on the ground, boss.

It will have to do.

Stick it on him...

And he'll do whatever I do.

Identical movements.

Damn it, chop him up

I'd be doomed if you do striptease again

I'm not going to do this.

You don't trust me.

I don't

I'm sincerely trying to help.

And you really don't trust me?

I don't.

If you find that something goes wrong you can always stop me.

You won't cheat me?

I look like a cheat?

Have I ever cheated you?

More times than I can remember.

You're right.

You're an asshole.

Good.

Stop it.

Where is he?

You want to make me lose face again?

Move.

Out of the way...

Poor Master

I specialize in striptease.

Master isn't as good as I am.

Brother Monkey.

Where did he go?

Stop.

Don't stop.

No stopping.

If you shout 'Stop' again, I'll have your head.

You are joking?

He's not joking.

If you shout 'Stop' again, you'll lose your head.

Go on then.

Great! Any more tricks up your sleeve?

Go to hell.

"Go to hell."

Go to hell again!

"Go to hell again!"

He hit me.

He hit me!

Hurry! Quick!

7