All language subtitles for Into.The.Dark.S02E06.Crawlers.HULU.AJP69+ION10+TRUMP

Hey, guys.

So I know my channel's been
off the radar for a while,

and no, I wasn't
abducted by lizard people

or sent to that top
secret CIA prison island,

which by the way totally exists.

I've just had to lay low for a while

'cause, well, I think
the feds are watching me.

And like, I mean, yeah,

of course they're watching everybody,

but I'm talking like
special ops task force

kind of watching.

And normally, I'd just lay low

till the heat's off,
but... well, sometimes,

the truth is more important than safety.

So here goes.

Okay.

It all happened a year ago.

St. Patrick's Day, actually.

Coincidentally, the same day that

a meteor crashed into
our town back in the '70s.

It was supposed to just be

a night of college kids getting drunk,

but a lot of people died,
like, a lot of people.

You little fucker, come on.

Welcome to Emerald Springs

Did I mention we love St. Patrick's Day?

Yeah, Chicago has the
whole green river thing,

but we do more of a green
river of puke thing.

What else would you expect from
a town full of college kids?

Or, as I call them, "customers"?

Officer Sullivan, what's your 10 20?

Yo, this is ridiculous.

I could literally arrest
every single person

on this street right now.

Don't have enough
cells to hold them all.

Just let them celebrate.

Fuck me. You call this celebrating?

I don't know what to tell you, rookie.

You shoulda seen last year.

A whole pledge class took green
shits on the courthouse lawn.

You're fucking with me, right?

Luck of the Irish, man.

Shamrock shithole.

Hey, Sullivan, just
make it through tonight

and beers are on me, all right?

Yeah, I don't think
I'm gonna be drinking

for a while.

All right, I'm gonna
head towards the college.

Okay, after that, why don't you catch up

with the Massacre?

Just play babysitter and
make sure they don't all die.

Let's go, kids.

Evening, ladies.

Word.

Wow.

Swing and a miss, Officer Fuckboy.

Shit.

Fuck.

Better be drunk or high.

Are you all right there?

Are you okay there?

The hell happened to your clothes, man?

Okay.

All right, hey.

- What happened?
- Oh... hey... take it easy, yeah?

You take something, hm?

Drugs?

Hey, are you... are you a student here?

Say something, man.

Okay, I know what you're thinking.

And no, it's not zombies.

People always think it's zombies,

but they have a totally
different pathology.

Just... you'll see.

What the fuck?

Like I said,

it's gonna be a fucking crazy night.

No fucking way!

You ever heard of
the porcupine's dilemma?

It's the one about those little guys

who wanna cuddle up for warmth

but they just keep poking each other.

It basically means
getting close to people

hurts like a bitch.

This is Misty,

and she's smack-dab in the middle of

her own prickly situation.

Up until a few weeks ago,

she and Chloe were besties.

At least, that's what she thought.

_

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

_

This is why I don't bother with friends.

Too much baggage and very little upside.

If there's anything my mom taught me,

it's family first, yourself second,

and fuck everyone else.

But Misty's one of those normal girls

who likes having people around.

She's hoping that they
can patch things up

the good old-fashioned way:

binge drinking.

Hey, what's up, Misty?

And what better way
than an all-night pub crawl?

They call this one the Massacre

because nobody makes it out alive.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

You waitin' on this
motherfuckin' bartender?

Stank.

I'm waiting like 30 minutes for a shot.

You know what?

Fuck this, motherfuckers,
I'm the bartender now.

Heads back, mouths open.

One for you, two for you, cutie.

Hey! And one for me.

And here's the self-proclaimed

master of ceremonies, Chloe.

She loves to be the center of attention,

and on a night like tonight,

that's not necessarily a good thing.

Misty and Chloe have
been attached at the hip

since freshman year.

But some shit went down a few weeks ago,

and when Misty really needed a friend,

Chloe was nowhere to be found.

I mean, I'd kick her to the curb,

but Misty's loyal.

Or, I dunno, maybe just pathetic.

Sláinte!

Let's go!

Hey, Chlo!

Misty!

You made it, girl!

Oh, shit.

That's amazing.

That's fuckin' hilarious.

Yeah, I think I'm finally ready to get

out the house again.

- I'm glad.
- Guess who?

Um, probably some thirsty-ass nerd

that won't stop following me around?

More like the person who
just saved your dumb ass

from getting locked out later.

You dropped these at the last bar.

- You're my hero.
- I know.

I love you so much.

Misty, do you know Yuejin?

She just transferred
here from New York City!

She's fancy!

No, I don't think...
I don't think we've met.

We have. I'm in three of your classes.

Meet Yuejin.

She is kind of a bitch,

always down for a good time,

and has a closet full of
clothes in Chloe's size.

All the makings of a brand-new sidekick.

Weird.

You're gonna love her.

She's the third Musketeer.

Oh yeah.

Misty's definitely being replaced.

Great!

Welcome to the group.

Thanks.

By the way,

I promise I'm in the story.

Just wait.

For the queen of the bar.

Sorry, they told me to say that.

Who did?

- Fucking gross.
- Who, Aaron?

Wait, you know Aaron already?

Yeah. I go here.

Aaron Hamilton.

President of Beta Sigma Eta.

He and the rest of these walking boners

call themselves the Wolf Pack.

Barf.

Supposedly, they throw the best parties,

but they've also got a reputation,

the bad kind.

Chloe.

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

- Chloe!
- What?

No... ugh, no, Misty, he's
not like sexually harassing me

or something.

Aaron is a sex offender.

Okay? And that pigfuck next to him,

his name is Michael,

- and you guys don't...
- We're not gonna do this

tonight, Misty, okay?

I'm not gonna ruin our St. Patrick's Day

by drinking a roofied
green martini at 10:05 p.m.

Bye-bye.

Chloe!

Oh my God.

But we do have to take a picture.

- Of what?
- Of us!

While we're so cute,

before we're tear-streaked
vomit goblins.

- Yeah!
- Okay.

Yeah, we haven't taken
one in a long time.

Yeah. Will you take it, please?

No, no, no, all of us.

Yeah.

And you have the longest arms,

you should be the one to take it.

Okay.

Yeah, St. Paddy!

- What? Who's "Drug Dealer"?
- _

Oh, I need this.

For real?

I'm actually "Drug
Dealer" in your phone?

See? What'd I tell ya?

Yours truly.

- Get in this pic!
- No, no, hard pass.

The more selfies you take,

the more data AI has
to create deep fakes

with your images.

So.

Anyway, uh...

let's get this underway, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.

Uh, actually, maybe
you wanna go somewhere

less public?

It's St. Patrick's Day,
nobody gives a shit.

All right, here's a little pick-me-up...

Okay.

... for the Queen of the Crawl.

- Thanks.
- Thanks!

Who wants Adderall?

Gonna be a long fuckin' night.

Hey, over here!

Hey.

You ever open one of those things up?

They got like tiny
little microchips in there

that track your location, habit of use,

conversations, everything.

Isn't your phone doing that anyway?

No.

Whoa.

Who are you?

I'm a local caregiver.

It's my job to stay woke.

Yeah, so I'm obviously
not like these princesses.

I actually grew up in this town,

and some of us need
to work for a living.

Plus, your girl here's off the grid,

so that sort of limits
the professional options.

But you can call me Shauna.

It's a weird-ass holiday.

I know, as if white people didn't have

enough days on the calendar
to act like complete morons.

If you wanna have some real fun,

I have this organic weed that's grown

out by the clover fields,

so it's laced with radiation
from that meteor that landed

there 40 years ago.

That's a true story. Back in the '70s,

this huge rock crashed
on the edge of town

and my mom swears it
was actually carrying

larval stage
extraterrestrial metamorphs.

The whole thing is a
big government cover-up,

but... I'm getting ahead of myself.

Oh, I got something Irish for you.

Oh, you're serious.

Yeah.

Mm, I'm good, no thanks.

Okay.

Cool, uh... well, I'm gonna go,

see if my sales pick up.

Keep an eye out.

- For what?
- For what?

The end of the world!

The end of the world!

Listen up, you drunk motherfuckers.

It's time for the tournament to begin.

And we'll begin as we always do

with a little game I like to call

the Troubles.

What's the Troubles?

You'll see.

Get in there, girl!

Focus, focus...

That's it!

Yes, bitch, yes!

You're getting it, you're getting it.

Wait... anarchy, anarchy!

Switch sides, switch sides.

You have to go to the other side.

Bitch, go to the other side!

Why? Where?

Okay, go!

That's it, that's it, that's it!

Get on your knees! You're a leprechaun!

We got it! Pot of gold!
Throw your cups! Pot of gold!

She's cool, right?

Yeah, she's okay.

That's high praise coming from you.

You should come to
New York City with us.

- What?
- For spring break.

Her dad has a penthouse or
something in Central Park.

It's gonna be fun.

What happened to Cancun?

I don't know, Cancun's
kinda like played-out, and

I didn't know if that'd be your vibe

'cause of your funk.

- My funk?
- Yeah.

Thought you weren't
in the mood to party.

Chloe!

Michael drugged me.

I don't know what
happened to me that night.

But I know that there
was something in my drink,

I know that for a fact,

and I know that Michael
didn't just tuck me into bed

and watch me sleep.

Shit, I'm sorry if I've been in a funk.

Yeah, well that's all I mean.

You don't believe that
happened to me, do you?

Of course I do.

Yeah, I keep hearing you say that,

but I don't see it.

Well, I just don't know
what to do about it.

All I can think to do is be positive,

which I'm doing, but it
doesn't seem to be helping.

Plus, the Beta guys aren't all bad.

And I've been hanging
out with Yuejin lately,

which... I don't mean
that in a weird way,

like instead of you.

No, that's great, I get it.

Actually, keep doing that, yeah.

You just keep hanging
with your new best friend

and staying positive, okay?

Misty.

Girl!

Is everything okay in there?

Come on, St. Patrickses.

Get those fucking snakes out of Ireland.

Winner gets shots!

No, dude, look.

Everybody knows that the
first moon landing was faked.

It's, like not even a conspiracy.

It's just a cover-up for the real shit.

For example, did you know
that Paul McCartney died

in 1968 from a car wreck

and they replaced him with a lookalike?

Also, Avril Lavigne.

Look it up.

Can I have an Irish coffee, please?

Sure thing.

How's your night going?

I'm not making any sales tonight.

There's a weird spell over the town,

it's very unusual.

- Mm. Illuminati?
- Or aliens.

Ah.

You know, some do say
Saint Patrick was an alien.

That doesn't make sense, though.

Why? Do you not believe?

Okay, the myth is Saint
Patrick drove the snakes

out of Ireland, right?

But since there weren't
actually any snakes in Ireland,

shouldn't your little
conspiracy theory be

"Saint Patrick saved
Ireland from aliens",

not that he was an actual alien?

This is my impressed face.

Drink it in, because you
will not see it very often.

Whatever, okay, I... I don't know.

All I know is that there's something off

with the group dynamics.

When dealing with alien invasions,

you always wanna pay attention

to the subtle things.

Sure, this looks like normal late stage

adolescent fuckery,

but something lurking
just beneath the surface

is askew.

It's a drug dealer thing.

I can feel it.

I'm not in a group, so
it's easy for me to see.

Tell me about it.

So you've noticed it too?

Yeah.

No... I mean no.

I don't know, maybe it's
just the holiday, whatever.

Oh my God.

Actually, you're right.

Something is wrong.

You know, my mom did see the meteor

that landed here on St. Patrick's Day

in 197... okay.

Oh, sorry!

Fuck!

- Yuejin?
- Yeah, it's me.

They're making me wear
this mask because I lost.

I don't even know what
game I was playing.

All right, just one second,

I just wanna talk to Chloe real quick.

Yeah. Will you just tell her
that I'm going to the next spot?

I gotta get out of here,

these fucking games are killing me.

Sorry, sorry.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

Did you see Chloe over
there a minute ago?

Yeah, she just left with some dude.

- Aaron?
- I don't know his name.

College guys only talk to
me if they want to buy drugs.

Guess he's a good boy.

No, that's impossible.

Well, I mean, unless he's
buying from Whiskey Dave,

but his shit's mostly baby laxative,

so it's basically not
doing drugs at all.

No, no, no, I mean it's impossible that

she would leave with that creep.

I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe you don't know your friend
as well as you thought you did.

Oh, shit! Speak of the devil.

Chloe Willis, hey girl.

Your friend's looking for you.

Now that I think
about it, you are kinda cute.

- What is it?
- Oh yeah?

- A little bit.
- I don't know.

Butt-dial, maybe?

Chlo?

Well, maybe your friends
just wanted me for themselves.

- I'm pretty sure...
- Chloe?

- Do you always...
- Uh, hey!

Hello?

That's my phone!

Chloe, where are you?

Hey. Have you seen Chloe?

Stop it! We are in...

Chlo, where are you?

Hey, what the hell?

- Come on, whoa!
- It's Misty!

Hey.

Have you guys seen Chloe?

No.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Chloe, fuck! Sorry.

Quit fucking following me

and let go of me.

- Let's go.
- Let go of me.

I said let go of me.

I'm not playing anymore, let go of me.

Chloe, listen to my voice.

I'm right here and
I'm not leaving, okay?

Just tell me where you are!

- Get off of me!
- Stop fighting.

Stop and let go of me!

Help! Let go of me!

Let go of me! Help!

Help!

_

Chloe!

_

Hey! What the fuck?

Gimme back my phone.

Fuck. Fuck, she's gone.

- That fuckhead took her, fuck!
- Okay, okay, slow down.

Fuck, that fuckhead!

Fuck! She was flirting
with him in the bar,

and then... and look.

- What, she's a Gemini?
- She doesn't just

drop her phone! Fuck!

Okay, calm down.

Can I please just have my phone back?

Fuck your phone, are you kidding?

Okay, uh, do you wanna call the cops?

Because if you do, I
can't really be here,

due to all the, you know, drug dealing.

- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Look.

I don't have Prozac
because it's not really

the business model, but here, take this.

- What? No!
- It's Xanax, you need to calm down.

- Oh man.
- All right, look, look,

listen... hey, listen,

I know what a panic attack
looks like, all right?

Just trust me. Take this.

I'd call the cops but I can't.

Why not?

I take it you've never
dealt with the cops

in a situation like this before.

I try not to, but yes,

I have dealt with the
cops a time or two.

That's not what I mean!

Fuck! If I call 9-1-1
and tell them I saw

a drunk frat guy flirting
with my drunk friend at a bar,

they're gonna tell me
that's what college kids do.

If I tell them I actually
didn't see anything

and I have no idea where they went,

they're gonna start
calling me "young lady"

and asking if I've been drinking too

or taking some of the drugs
you just gave me, for example.

True.

It is hard to get people to
believe what they don't see,

and by the time they do,
it's usually too late.

Oh shit.

Oh my God, no!

He probably took her back
to that ratfuck cesspool

- of a frat house.
- Okay.

So do you wanna go and
check if she's there?

Shit.

No, I would, but...

no, no, I can't.

If I...

Fuck. I'm sorry.

It's fine.

I'm guessing you've been there before?

So this is when I should have just said,

"Have a great night!

Good luck finding your horrible friend",

and gone back to my normal life

of not dealing with other people's shit.

But, fuck! Look at this crying mess.

I mean, I'm tough, but
I'm not made of stone.

Plus, business was slow

and the Beta boys are always
willing to pay double,

so what the hell.

Um, mm-kay, fine.

I'm coming with you.

I'm coming with you. Let's go.

Wait.

Oh, good. The Beta
boys are still getting smashed

on the pub crawl.

You coming?

Hey, what happened here?

I don't remember.

It's kinda part of the problem?

You know, you can't file a police report

if you don't know what
you're filing it about.

I just... I woke up here once, and...

... all I know is nothing good
happens in that house, so.

Yeah. I've heard the stories.

- No one listened.
- Okay.

Well... I believe you.

And I'm not scared of
shit in this world, so...

Come on.

Let's go get your friend.

Uh, yeah, hi. Believe women, it's 2020.

And besides, no one ever listens to me

when I say shit,

so I know how fucking infuriating it is.

Okay, where are the bedrooms?

Through there.

What is that?

Shauna.

Shauna!

Can I help you girls?

Michael.

The biggest asshole of them all.

Apparently, his dad's
some bigshot lawyer

so he thinks he can
get away with anything.

Can you believe he specifically
asked for roofies once?

Fucking moron.

I sold him a bottle of Tic Tacs

and I said they were
horse tranquilizers.

Well, well, well.

Misty Carpenter.

It's great to see you again.

I been meaning to have
a civilized conversation

with you about some of the
things that you said about me.

No, dude, we're looking for Aaron.

Very important matters.

Well, he's busy.

Where is he?

He's upstairs.

Uh, afraid I can't let you do that.

Why not?

- Like I said, he's busy.
- All right, dude, look.

You like Molly?

Here you go.

- You're good.
- Great.

Not her.

I need to clear up a few things
before we welcome you back here.

How about now?

Fine.

Misty!

You ever wanna grab a coffee and chat,

just let me know.

God, we should burn this place
to the fucking ground.

Aaron, open the door.

What is it, what do you hear?

We need to open this door.

Wait... move, move, move.

Fuck.

You just carry that with you?

Mama taught me a thing or two

over the years.

And one of them was that Boy Scouts

aren't the only ones who
should always be prepared.

This isn't the first
lock I've had to pick.

Jesus Fuck, you gotta untie me.

Where's Chloe?

We need to get out of
here right now, okay?

Not until you tell
me what you did with her.

Did with... what the
fuck are you talking about?

Aaron, I saw you with her.

- Who?
- Chloe!

- Idiot.
- I don't know where Chloe is!

You guys saw us leave the pub

after she poured her
fucking drink on the ground.

Right, and then you came ba...

I saw you talking to her!

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

I've been tied to this bed
for the past couple hours.

Look at my leg. Look at my leg!

I'm lucky to be alive.

Fucking get me out!

All right, I am sick of this shit, okay?

I saw what I saw.

I know the cops
probably won't believe me

but I don't know what else to do.

Oh no... wait, wait... hey, wait.

Wait! Wait!

Hey, you, you!

Okay, hi. We left, all right?

You saw us leave the pub.

Okay, you can ask anyone downstairs.

We came back here right after.
I wasn't with Chloe.

It is strange how
you got here so quickly.

- Yes, yes!
- Hi.

I need to report a kidnapping.

- Fuck!
- Yeah.

At the Beta Sigma Eta house on campus.

When's the last time that you saw me?

I don't know, like,
what, 15 minutes ago?

And in that time,

I got back here, I tied
myself to this bed and

bit out a chunk of my own leg?

- They're on their way.
- Great.

I need to report that I was attacked

- by some crazy fucking bitch!
- You know what?

Just start from the beginning, okay?

How did this happen?

Wait.

You said that you saw
somebody at the pub

15 minutes ago that looked like me?

Not someone who looked
like you, asshole,

it was you.

Okay.

Okay, this is gonna sound crazy.

I brought a girl home from the pub...

not fucking Chloe...

and she was apparently

into some really kinky shit.

Things got really rough.

You know?

Little playful nibble here and there,

and then she just bit into my leg.

I looked down and there's a
fucking chunk of my leg gone.

And there was something
weird in her eyes.

What do you mean?

It was like a... it
was like a green cloud.

And it freaked me out,
so I kicked her off me.

Right.

So where is she now?

Well, this is the crazy part.

She was on the ground and
made this insane fucking sound.

Like bones breaking.

And then she got up, and I swear to God,

she suddenly looked like...

You?

Yeah. Like me.

I fucking knew it, I
fucking... I told you,

I told you there was
something in the air tonight.

Are you serious right now?

- You don't actually be...
- Okay.

This... thing, where did it go?

My boys had started
knocking on the door,

probably from all the commotion.

It got scared and it
went out the window.

This is when shit gets real.

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you!

Not zombies, no... fucking aliens.

Right? I mean, we've been
saying this the whole time.

And it wasn't really the right time

to revel in it, you know,

but man, did it feel good to be right.

And I know Misty was still all concerned

about finding Chloe, but
alien invasion happening,

and we were right in the middle of it!

And that's when I realized,

oh fuck, we were right
in the middle of it.

Tonight just took a hard freakin' turn

from rescue mission
to fight for survival.

Now, trust, I've been
training for survival

my whole life.

But even if I could save myself,

could I save two princesses,

a frat guy,

and a still missing,
possibly dead party girl?

Well, that was a different
fucking story altogether.

Because Jessica, she's got
the bottom but not the top,

you know?

Little bit of this, little bit of that.

- Oh shit.
- Yeah.

It's okay, fellas, relax.

St. Patrick's Day, I'm
not here to ruin the party.

Is there something we can
help you with, Officer?

Why are you guys still
hanging around here?

You guys should be out partying!

Don't you like to party?

- We like to party.
- That's good.

Gotta follow tradition.

Get wasted.

Trash the town!

Yeah, we're just...

we're just waiting for Aaron.

You guys should head out now.

He'll catch up with you.

It's cool.

- We'll just wait for Aaron.
- No, you should go now.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

We will, uh... we'll go now.

There we go.

St. Patrick's Day.

I'm your cool aunt tonight, let's go.

You left your drugs.

Just... don't look.

All right.

Please just untie me.

I'm kinda bleeding out here
and I really need to pee.

Yes, finally.

Hi, hey.

Anyone care to explain to
me what's going on here?

He kidnapped our friend.

Kinda looks like the other way around.

- No...
- Who's your friend?

- Chloe Willis.
- And where is she?

- Ask him!
- I'm the one that got attacked, sir.

Look at me.

- Who did that?
- He claims that he did.

- That's not what I said.
- Okay, um, officer?

I believe that we are in the midst

of an alien invasion
in which imposters are

rapidly replacing the
citizens of this town.

That's interesting.

It sounds a little far-fetched.

Sure you guys aren't just drunk

like everyone else in this town?

Something lurking
just beneath the surface.

Fucking askew.

- No. No, no, no, no!
- Okay. Can you please just

untie me, sir?

No!

Um, excuse me, sorry,
what are you doing?

- I'm gonna untie him.
- Thank you.

Aren't you gonna like investigate

or something?

I'm taking him to the station.

What?

Why am I being arrested, for what?

Just standard procedure.

How is it standard procedure?
I didn't do anything.

Excuse me, officer, sir.

Um, Aaron actually
isn't our main concern.

We just wanna find my
friend Chloe Willis.

We'll be on the lookout for her.

It's a small town, I'm
sure she'll turn up.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

Chloe... Chloe literally doesn't...

Hey, hey, hey.

Dude, can you at least
let me put my clothes on?

Okay, look, so what I
was trying to tell you earlier

about the meteor that
landed here in 1978?

- It was on St. Patrick's Day.
- Shut up!

I don't wanna hear about
some fucking conspiracy theory

right now, I'm talking about Chloe!

I know that!

I am too.

I'm talking about her and
Aaron and this entire town.

Aren't you supposed to do
the whole Miranda thing?

Am I under arrest?

Hey.

Can you please just
give me a first aid kit

- for my wound?
- Get in.

Fuck!

Is that...

Chloe, are you okay?

Yuejin, it's Misty.

Where's Chloe?

We're trying to figure
that out right now,

I was hoping you knew.

People are losing their minds.

I think I've seen like 12 fights
break out in the last hour.

I just saw someone biting a person like

a fucking zombie movie.

No, not zombies;
they're alien imposters.

What?

Who is that?

It's Shauna from the pub.

Where are you right now?

I'm leaving the pub crawl.

Seriously, it's like
everyone is tripping balls

on bath salts.

Okay. We're at the Beta house.

Just come meet us here.

Okay.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck no.

Wait!

Told you he's a psycho!

He's one of them, he attacked me.

Look... come look.

Holy shit.

Fuck me.

Yup, as I suspected.

Imposters don't bleed red.

Most people would be
grossed out by alien blood,

but this is what I call
bona fide proof, y'all!

Can somebody please just uncuff me?

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, fuck.

All right, I don't know what
the fuck is going on tonight,

but that's the second one
that tried to attack me.

Yup, you are lucky to be alive.

This alien imposter was out to kill you.

I'm thinking it's because the
one who attacked you earlier

got your DNA and became you.

You know, that's how they operate.

That's impossible.

Not for aliens.

So that's who was at the
pub with Chloe, my imposter.

That means they got Chloe.

Not necessarily.

I mean, you know, he escaped,

so it's possible she did too.

- Hey, Misty!
- Yuejin! Over here!

What's happening, why are the cops...

Oh, what the fuck?

- Yup.
- What is that?

And why is he covered in green goo?

Hello, what the hell's going on?

What does it look like?

Alien invasion, Yuejin.

They're finally coming out from hiding.

Is she still for real with this?

Hey, wait, where are you going?

I need a fucking Band-Aid.

Okay, easy, easy.

What do you think they want?

Great question, but...

I'm not really concerned
about that right now.

It's happening whether
we want it to or not.

Okay.

Sorry, I just...

This is all completely crazy.

Like, I feel like I'm in
someone else's acid trip.

Your acid trip.

Hey, don't kill the messenger.

No, it's gotta be something else.

Aliens is just absurd.

Okay, well, you can go take a look

at the alien cop outside
if you want more proof.

Oh, fuck.

We left him outside.

Somebody's gonna notice that.

I think I know where we need to go.

I think we may be able
to get some answers.

To what?

An alien invasion?

And weapons.

Weapons?

You can never be too prepared.

Okay...

Hey.

What do you think, Misty?

I just... I told her

to stay away from them, and I...

I just don't get why
she didn't believe me.

Stay away from who, the imposters?

No.

Aaron.

All the guys at the pub.

You told her to stay away from me?

Yeah.

You, Michael, all of you guys.

Wow.

So you're just...
lumping us all together?

Well, you're, like, a
frickin' pervert mafia.

Hey.

I'm not Michael.

So then why didn't you
do anything about it?

Right.

Wait, Misty.

Chloe?

Misty, you ready to go?

Chloe?

Shit!

They're here!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!

Hey, wait, wait!

Where's Aaron?

Help! Help!

Somebody fucking help me!

Help! Help!

Like I said, always be prepared.

I think I love you.

Gross.

You just have a gun on you?

Got it off the dead alien.

I'm driving.

Oh, shit, get down. Get down.

Should we just go?

No, no, just stay low.

They don't know we're here.

So is everybody just an alien now?

I mean, I don't know,

but these guys are
definitely not normal humans.

How do you know that?

They're loading the officer's body

into the truck.

How'd they know the body was here?

They are a hive mind.

Okay.

I think we're good.

God, we really are in the
middle of nowhere, aren't we?

Can't believe people
actually live out here.

It's a real shithole.

Yup.

Hey.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Okay.

Are you really Irish?

What?

Your shirt, it says,

"Kiss me, I'm Irish".

Oh my God.

Hey.

- Dear God, what?
- Do you still think

I'm the kind of guy who
would've kidnapped your friend?

One hundred percent.

I'm not like the rest of
the guys in my house.

Aren't you, like, a
registered sex offender?

No.

No, no, that's a...

that's a stupid rumor that started

after I was arrested
for peeing in public.

- What?
- Yeah.

Indecent exposure

is what they call it.

After everything with Michael,

I guess it was just
an easy rumor to start.

Cool.

I guess congratulations
for not being a rapist.

It was actually a really
good learning experience.

I did community service,

I started coaching and volunteering,

and I even changed my major
from marketing to education.

What is happening right now?

What is this, some kind of

12-Step-for-Misogynists thing?

You get a chip for each woman

you manage to convince
you're not a monster?

Misty, I'm not a bad guy.

No, of course not.

You just hang out with bad guys

and party with bad guys

and live with bad guys,

but, no, I'm sure you're not a bad guy.

You know what, you're right.

I fucked up, okay?

I should've done
something, and I didn't.

I need to learn from my mistakes,

and I need to be better.

So I hope you can forgive me.

Thank you for saying that.

And I know that you're not Michael.

We're gonna find her.

Okay.

We needed a safe spot to lay low,

regroup, and strategize,

and even though it may not look like it,

trust me, this is the safest
place in town right now.

Mom.

Could you get the gun
out of our faces please?

Meet my mom.

She never taught me how to cross-stitch,

but I can assemble a
Beretta M9 in 10 seconds,

blindfolded.

Holy shit, that's your mom?

What did you bring into my house?

They're, um,

friends of mine, I guess.

You can trust them.

We came here because...

we need your help.

You were right, Mama.

About all of it.

They're here.

Well...

we're all fucked.

I mean, the fact that
you even got this picture

means it's too late.

I've been calling this for years.

I told everyone about them,

little organisms on that meteor,

back on March 17th, 1978,

but they... they all
thought I was crazy.

We believe you.

That's why we're here,
asking for your help.

You don't believe me!

You're just all in trouble.

You know, that's the problem.

Folks need everything to make sense

before they believe what's happening

right in front of them,

and by then, it's too late.

Wow.

That is totally depressing

and unhelpful.

I'm ready to go.

Where are you off to?

I don't know, back to New York.

Stop it, we need to try.

Please, Ms. Shore, please.

Just... God, just tell
us what to do, okay?

My best friend is still out there.

Please.

They were as small as bugs

when I first observed them,

and it appears that, well,

they're finally evolving
into human size.

You know, them... them
shape-shifting imposters,

they're just taking
orders from the nest.

- The nest?
- They're like ants.

Super alien ants.

Once you destroy the nest,

they'll all come down.

Right.

They're just gonna keep
taking over human beings

with their kind, so they multiply.

You expect us to believe that?

That's insane.

The most logical explanation

is that this town is
infected with something.

Not aliens.

I don't expect anything

from you, young lady.

And you seem the type that's
too smart for her own good.

Okay, look, let's just say

that there's a nest somewhere.

How do we destroy it?

There's some C4

in that backpack on the third shelf.

- C4?
- What?

How else are you gonna blow up the nest?

I don't think we know where the nest is.

Do we?

- Oh!
- Sorry.

No, we haven't seen it yet.

Okay, well, when the meteor first hit,

it was in some field

next to that old,
abandoned Miller warehouse.

The Miller warehouse?

That's the last stop for
the pub crawl tonight.

They're probably already there.

That's why this is happening.

The aliens are defending themselves

against a bunch of drunk assholes

showing up at the nest,

and the nest must be
inside that warehouse.

Is something funny?

Yeah!

This whole thing.

Everything we've seen tonight,

all these nonsense theories
you guys are coming up with.

I know what I know,
and I saw what I saw.

So if you're not interested
in what I have to say,

then you can kindly fuck off

out of my house, young lady.

You know what, it's not a bad idea.

- I should go.
- Where?

Anywhere not here.

I don't know what's going on,

but we're just asking for trouble

if we go to that warehouse

and join back up with the pub crawl.

Yuejin, we have to find Chloe,

and we need all the
help that we can get,

so cut this shit out.

You really don't get it, Misty.

Yeah, I'm not gonna stick around

for this hillbilly, E.T. bullshit.

- Good luck with the nest.
- Yuejin!

Yuejin!

All right, let's gear up.

Hey.

You sure you're ready for this?

I don't think we have a choice.

Fucking Podunk town.

Oh, shit.

Where'd you get that?

Dead alien.

Yuejin, what the fuck?

What happened?

Hey, wait!

I changed my mind.

I'm coming with you guys.

What happened?

One of them chased me.

I got away, but, fuck, that was stupid.

You were right.

We should stick together.

Welcome back.

All right.

You guys ready to party?

You don't have to tell me twice.

Let's do this.

I'll be back, you know.

I know you will.

You gonna be okay here?

What the...

What'd you say happen to
that guy who chased you again?

I guess he just took off.

What?

- We clear?
- Yeah.

Then fuck it. Let's just go.

Okay, so we find the nest,

blow it up, save Chloe...

and the world?

No big deal.

Okay, so at this point,

we are armed, slightly buzzed,

and ready to kick some alien ass.

Oh, in case you're wondering,

the nest is the physical nexus

of the metamorph psionic neural net.

Like, uh, alien Wi-Fi.

The shared brain that controls them all.

At least that was the theory.

Nobody had ever seen it before,

but if it existed,

which we were, like,
98% sure that it did,

aliens would totally keep
it hidden because it's,

like, a kill switch
for their entire army.

Luckily, though,

neural energy has a limited range,

so we knew that it couldn't be far.

But, uh, as we were driving around town,

we started to realize that we
might be running out of time.

Normally there'd be
kids all over the place,

running around, drinking, making out,

puking, making out
again with puke breath,

but it was just... empty.

Like a ghost town.

Best I figured,

most of them had already been replaced.

Ipso facto, dead.

Shauna?

You okay?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

I don't know.

Part of me should be happy

because me and my mom were fucking right

the entire time,

but I'm also kind of freaking out

because us being right
means that people are dying

and the world might end.

That's pretty dark.

Yeah.

What?

You really care about her, don't you?

Chloe?

She's my best friend.

Best friend?

Hmm, so then what happened
these last few weeks?

It was just...

the whole thing with me and Michael.

I just remember telling Chloe about it

the next morning and...

and I couldn't tell if
she believed me or not.

But that's just Chloe.

She never really takes
anything seriously,

and life is just fun and carefree.

Hmm.

Sounds like...

Chloe made the right choice.

- Excuse me?
- Well, I can't blame her.

You're a glutton for punishment

who surrounds herself
with drama and psychosis,

like a conspiracy theorist
and her mom, for example.

- Yuejin, chill!
- Hey, fuck you!

You don't know anything
about me and Chloe.

In fact, I don't know how
Chloe ever put up

with your bullshit.

Stop the car.

What?

Stop the car!

- What the fuck, Misty?
- Get out!

Hey, what's going on?

- This bitch is an alien.
- What are you talking about?

She sees an alien,

lives to tell about it,

and then there's... there's no evidence

of this so-called alien
when we get outside

- because she's one of them!
- She's just pissed off

because Chloe's replacing her
with me as her number one.

Oh, fuck off!

Okay, this is crazy, you guys.

Is it though?

She did disappear for a while

and came back with
this brand new attitude,

and we've seen weirder shit tonight.

It's because I was trying to avoid

going on a suicide mission.

Oh, so then what happened?
Why are you here now?

And how do we know
that you're not an alien?

You and your mom?

How do we know that you
guys didn't just roofie

this whole town with your radiated weed?

What the fuck did you just
say about me and my family?

- All right, come on.
- Guys.

There's an easy way to settle this.

We're all gonna prick our fingers,

and everyone who bleeds red is human.

I'll do it.

All right.

I appreciate the support, Aaron,

but we all know that you're human

because of the gaping
flesh wound on your leg.

Oh, yeah, right, right, okay.

So, who's next?

Since you're the one accusing people,

- why don't you go?
- Fine by me.

See, she took us

to that creepy old hoarder's house,

a woman who, by the
way, conveniently told us

to blow up a warehouse party

based on some bullshit story

about the nest or whatever?

Well, maybe you don't
want us going to the nest

because you're a
shit-sucking alien fuck!

And maybe you're as crazy

- as your fucking mama is.
- Fuck you!

Okay, Shauna, just show her

that you have human blood.

Give me the fucking knife.

I'll show you the truth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey!

- Oh my God!
- Fuck!

Oh, look at that.

Not an alien.

Don't let her get the bag!

Oh, man.

Fuck.

Fuck, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

Okay.

And then there were three.

This is the place?

Yup, this is where it all started.

Do you think we're too late?

Only one way to find out.

Oh my God.

Shit.

What do you think, aliens?

I think they're just drunk.

Well, should we warn them?

Yeah.

Hey! Don't go in there!

Fuck you!

Well, they're dead.

So, do we think Chloe's here?

It's the end of the crawl.

She has to be.

All right, once we find the nest,

I'll plant the charges and set the timer

for five minutes.

Aaron, you pull the fire alarm.

Everybody will evacuate,

and we'll bounce before
we're blown to bits.

So, what are the rules of engagement

for humans and/or aliens?

- Rules of engagement?
- Chill out, Ramboner.

Just assume everyone's
an alien, all right?

Punch or stun them with weapons

if they get too close or aggressive.

What if it's Chloe?

No exceptions.

All right, y'all.

Last chance to pull
the ripcord and bail.

No way, José.

We're in this together now.

Yeah, let's do this.

Um, where is everyone?

Did they just go home?

Fuck.

Maybe everyone's already an alien,

and these people are too wasted

to realize that they're next.

This is the lamest pub crawl ever.

Do you guys see Chloe?

Hey, hey, where are you going?

I'm just looking, I just wanna...

No, come on, we gotta stay focused

and stay together.

Let's keep going.

What's up, bro?

What the fuck, Michael?

What the fuck is this?

What?

I thought you said no exceptions.

It's red.

He's not an alien.

Either way...

Come on.

Okay, well,

I mean, it wouldn't just
be out here in the open

for everyone to see it, so...

Weird alien goo dripping

from an unknown source above us.

It's probably up there.

All right.

Let's check it out.

Jesus Christ.

- Oh my God.
- Wow.

How did your mom predict all this?

She first discovered
them when the meteor hit,

and then she spent her
entire life researching.

Nobody believed her.

Everybody just thought
she was, like, wasted

'cause it happened on St. Patrick's Day.

Once we destroy this thing,

all the aliens will die, right?

Well, that's the theory.

Well, let's blow this shit up

and get the hell outta here.

Whoa. You sure you
know what you're doing?

Yeah, yeah. Me and Mom
used to blow up cars

at the junkyard all the time.

I was like six,

but I still remember the process.

That's really reassuring.

- She's here!
- Who?

Chloe, Chloe, she's down below.

No, no, no, no, no,
do not go down there,

no exceptions!

Chloe, Chloe!

- Chloe?
- Misty!

Dude!

Holy shit!

Chloe, I'm sorry
for walking away from you

at the pub and leaving you alone...

You won't believe the shit
that's happened to me tonight.

First of all, Aaron attacked me.

Did you... did you not hear me?

Aaron attacked me, he's a psycho.

Girl, it is a long story,

but just believe me, that was not Aaron.

Ugh, you are nasty.

What are you made out of?

All right, timer's set.

We have five minutes
to get back to the car.

Whoa, whoa, wait, what are you doing?

Don't fucking touch it!

You just tripped some alien alarm.

Oh my God.

Fuck, you are such an idiot.

We really have to go now, come on.

No, no, no, it was for sure Aaron,

and he for sure attacked me.

What was that?

What the fuck kind of noise?

- What is happening...
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hi, uh, timer's set,
we gotta go right now.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Hey, you found Chloe.

Get the fuck away from me.

- Chloe...
- What?

Okay, Chloe,

- Aaron didn't attack you.
- What?

Misty, I know what happened.

This is not your made-up bullshit.

Wait, wait, how do
you know she's not an alien?

I'm sorry, what?

Here, here, check her blood.

What did he say?

It's okay, it's me, it's me, okay?

I know this doesn't make
sense at all right now,

but this is something that we have to do

to make sure, just trust me.

I'm not gonna let you cut me!

You're fucking crazy!

I knew you were fucking mental!

Hey, hey, hey, last chance.

If I get to the car and
you guys aren't there,

I swear to fuck I am taking off.

The bomb's gonna go off any minute now.

- Now there's a bomb?
- Yes, a bomb!

And Aaron just let every alien in town

know that we're here.

We gotta go now. Get to the fire alarm.

We need to get everyone out of here.

Chloe, are you kidding?

Get away from me, psycho!

Oh, shit!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Fuck, Aaron! What are you doing?

Um, I'm saving you.

Which way is the exit?

It's that way, come on.

Chloe!

Let her go.

Get the fuck off me.

Oh, I'm gonna kill the fuck outta you.

Fuck, Michael, get off of me!

Let me go, you psycho fucker!

Get the fuck off me!

Fuck, did you just bite me?

Fucking psycho.

Misty?

Holy fuck!

Oh, fuck.

Shoot that thing!

Shoot it, it bit me, it bit me!

I don't even know what
the fuck is happening,

and no, I did not!

Don't move, I will
kill you both if I have to.

Um, guys, the clock
is kinda ticking here.

Well, dude, you better hurry up.

Which one is it?

- Misty, it's me.
- Misty...

You gotta believe me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck.

Hey, Chloe?

Do you trust me?

What?

To do this, to choose the right one.

Do you trust me?

Of course I trust you.

You're my best friend.

And what about you?

Am I your best friend?

I don't fucking know!
I just don't want to die.

Please don't kill me.

Please don't kill me!

Let's go.

Okay.

Misty, how did you know it was me?

I knew my Chloe wouldn't lie to me.

You only care about yourself, so...

I knew that you wouldn't just...

tell me what I wanted to hear.

Oh, shit!

Goodbye, aliens!

Peace out, bitches!

- Woo!
- Woo!

Yes!

So they're all dead now, right?

- Yup.
- Okay.

Can I at least take you to dinner?

Nope.

Okay, how about coffee?

Maybe.

So, as you can probably guess,

Misty unfollowed Chloe

and hasn't looked back.

And as hard as it is to believe,

her and I have actually
gotten kinda close.

I mean, she's still a princess, but...

she's actually kinda cool.

And Aaron?

Well, he's still a doofus,

but we've been kind of
hanging out a lot lately,

and... I don't know.

Definitely not putting
labels on it or anything.

So, anyways,

that is the story of
how me and my friends

managed to stop an alien invasion.

Wild, right?

I mean, me, friends.

Of course, the feds showed up after

with, like, tons of questions

and not so subtly implied

that this was all highly top secret,

and "snitches get stitches"
and all that, but...

well, fuck it.

There might be more nests out there,

and it's not like those G-men did much

to stop the last one.

Alan Moore once said that,

"The truth of the world
is that it's chaotic.

The truth is not some finely
tuned conspiracy theory.

The truth is something
far more frightening.

Nobody is in control.

The world is rudderless".

Well, bitches,

these broadcasts are your instructions.

Seek and destroy.

Consider me your rudder.

Well, shit.

Mom, they're back!

Get your shotgun!

You just have to believe me,

that was not Aaron.

Cut.

Pretty sure it was Aaron.

- Maybe it was.
- It looked like Aaron.

You guys ready to party?

You don't have to tell me twi...

Let me take that again.

Sorry.

Guys, you can't laugh for every one.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Cut. Nailed it!

Wow, you're just lumping us all...

Chloe!

Sorry.

I don't know what that was.

How do we know that you
guys didn't just roofie

this town with your radiated m...

Fucking fuck my life.

That's okay, it's okay.

I'm so sorry, guys.

Cut.

I don't know what just happened.

I don't know what just happened.

- What?
- You should come

to New York with us for spring break.

What?

Seatbelts, everybody!

Wow, I think I love you.

I love you!

Holy shit!

You're my dream woman.

Fuck, you almost shot me,

but I'm really turned on right now

and I'm probably bleeding out
and that's probably why, but...

- What?
- So sorry, can we...

Sorry, can we start over?

Oh my God, what the fuck?

She laughs every time I look at her.

Okay.

The fuck?

Cut.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Pot of gold, throw your cup!

- What?
- What?

Well...

We're all fu...

Falafel.