Original subtitles

[dramatic theme music]

-[dramatic music] -[gears clanking]

[gears clicking]

[dramatic theme music]

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a big welcome to Funny Cow.

-[audience cheering] -[applauding]

Thank you, thank you very much and good evening.

Can I just say how very, very nice

it is to be here this evening.

It is, it's very nice,

but then again, I'm from Rotherham,

so it's nice to be anywhere.

[audience laughs]

You see, in Rotherham, we're not twinned with anywhere,

we're not, it's unfortunate, that,

but we do have a suicide pact with Doncaster.

[audience laughing]

Now talking of suicide,

this bloke right, he goes into a library

and he's having a mooch about, you know,

he's looking at the shelves and the librarian, she sees him.

So she goes over, she says, "Excuse me, sir, can I help ya?"

He said, "I'm looking for some books on suicide,

"but I can't seem to find any."

She says, "Yeah, that's 'cause the buggers

"never bring them back."

[audience laughing]

Look at me hands, they're not right.

Well this one is, this other one's left. [chuckles]

But they're not like yours, they're different.

They've got no work in 'em

and that's tired me out.

You see,

I don't know whether to hit you with 'em

or stroke you with 'em.

My dad were the same with his,

although he didn't go in for stroking much,

I don't think he knew he wanted to. [chuckles]

I had a funny relationship with me dad.

He was a hard man, very hard.

I remember one day, there was this kid in our street

and he says, "I bet my dad can beat up your dad."

And I thought, "Fuckin' hell, when?"

[audience laughing]

Things changed when me dad died.

[Audience] Aw.

What do you mean, aw?

Me mom, she took it bad, she turned to drink.

She went out on the game.

One night she come home with one pound and two pence.

I said, "Bloody hell mom, who's give you two pence?"

She said, "They all have."

[audience laughing]

I was about eight or nine, I was at school

and you know when you have to do one of them talks?

You know, what you're gonna be when you grow up.

And it were Yvonne Wilson and she said, "I shall be a clown

"because I was silly."

And Mr. Harrison, he were the teacher,

he agreed.

And I thought, "That's what I'll do.

"It'll be my job to make 'em laugh."

-[audience cheering] -[applauding]

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ Always acts the clown

♪ To all those faces in dark places ♪

♪ So many rain, gray towns

♪ Any second now

♪ She'll bring down the house

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ She's a funny cow, see her take a bow ♪

♪ The stages that she graces are so much bigger now ♪

♪ And by any means how, she'll bring down this house ♪

♪ She's a funny cow

Thank you.

[Child] Is it you?

Are you famous?

-♪ There it goes again -[woman giggles]

♪ Something better's coming

♪ And it's just around the bend ♪

♪ She will not forget her roots or where it all began ♪

♪ One click of those ruby slippers and she's home again ♪

♪ She's a funny cow

[swing chains squeaking]

How many houses have you got?

Eh? what are you on about?

One, one house.

[Boy] She says you've got seven.

No we haven't, we've got one house, not seven.

She got five bikes?

No, she hasn't got a bike, she borrows mine.

She's a lying bastard, your sister's a lying bastard.

You think I've got to come down from here, don't ya?

You think I've got to come down, well I'm not.

[Boy] Lying bastard, big head.

[Girl] Lying bastard, big head.

[girl giggles]

["Funny Cow" music]

-All right? -Yeah.

Going down good hill?

-Yeah. -Go on.

["Funny Cow" music]

Where are you going?

I'm talking to you.

Think you're something, don't ya, something special.

Well you're not, you're a piece of shit is all.

Come on, big head, come on.

[girl grunts]

She's covered in shit.

Look shit ass, you shit yourself.

You dirty cow.

I am, I'm a dirty cow, me.

Eh, she's picked it up, she's picked it up.

Yeah, you can call me dog shit Dora.

[children screaming]

[girl laughing]

-[door rattles] -[thumps shut]

Where have you been?

Where's me mom?

[Dad] Eh?

Where's me mom?

She's out there with her stupid fucking mates,

while I'm in here with no dinner.

Make me a tea.

[water hissing]

What you doing?

I said make me a cup of tea.

Get your own tea.

[Dad] What'd you say?

You heard.

Make me a fucking cup of tea now.

Get your own cup of fucking tea.

You cheeky little fucking, come here!

[hand smacks girl]

Who do you think you're fucking talking to?

Shut your fucking mouth!

And don't answer me back, you little fucking cow!

-Get up, get up! -[belt thumping girl]

Get fucking up!

Are you angry, dad?

You seem angry again.

Get out.

Get out. [labored breathing]

-Fucking flee! -[dishes clatter]

-[distant children playing] -[birds chirping]

Yippee.

[Priest] Page 116.

The day thou gave us, Lord, has ended.

[somber organ music]

Oh, it's bloody cold in here.

I won't be but a minute, mom.

[somber organ music]

Bye you miserable bastard!

[upbeat music]

♪ What you say while you're running away from me ♪

♪ It's not like I'd ever hurt you ♪

♪ My bad intentions were ever mentioned ♪

♪ I don't know, but I heard you presume ♪

♪ Won't you stay now that's out of the way ♪

♪ And we can do what we really want to ♪

♪ Well don't just stand Jack, take my hand now ♪

♪ We can dance the night through ♪

♪ Well twist it twist it twist it twist it right now ♪

♪ And you will find your feet

♪ And rock and roll is sweet, shake it out ♪

♪ Then you can shake on me

♪ Well twist it twist it twist it twist it right now ♪

♪ Before it's time to go

[Bob] Darling.

Hello.

[Bob] My name is Bob.

Want a drink?

No.

Get off!

I thought so.

[Bob] It'll grow on ya.

-[pair grunting] -[heavy breathing]

-[Funny Cow giggling] -[distant dog barking]

[Funny Cow yelling]

-[pair grunting] -[heavy breathing]

[shrieks] Oh watch out. [giggling]

[sighing loudly]

[laughing]

I have something to tell ya.

I'm back on the game, that'll be two quid.

Oh aye? I've got something to tell you an' all.

I've gone back taxiing.

[Funny Cow giggles]

It'll be three quid back into town.

[Funny Cow laughing]

[door thumps shut]

♪ You're not a kid anymore, you're not a kid anymore ♪

♪ When people ask of me, what would you like to be ♪

♪ Now that you're not a kid anymore ♪

♪ You're not a kid anymore

♪ I know just what to say, I answer right away ♪

♪ There's just one thing I've been wishing for ♪

-♪ I wanna be -Oh fucking hell.

♪ Bobby's girl, I wanna be Bobby's girl ♪

Oh, it's nice.

Oh, it's a double.

Oh, I love it. [giggles]

Oh, fucking hell.

What do you reckon?

It's fucking great.

It's our house, where we live?

Geez, make a right racket.

Quiet at night though.

Oh, won't though, will it?

[Bob] Give over, I've gotta get back to work.

I'm gonna stay here, make it nice.

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

Here, this'll make for us tea.

Housekeeping?

Housekeeping money?

It is, yeah.

[walking footsteps]

[paper rattles]

[gentle, jazzy music]

[door clatters]

[gentle, jazzy music]

-[scissors swishing] -[gentle music]

[door rattles]

[door thumps loudly]

There's some chips.

[gentle jazzy music]

[radio button clicks off]

[Bob burps]

Oh, fucking say something then.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Brought chips in.

I don't want any.

Why is that then?

Just to fucking wind me up?

Eh?

What's that you got?

Nothing.

Not for you.

Give it me here.

[Funny Cow] No.

Just to wind me up, eh?

Just to fucking wind me up!

Are you angry, Bob?

You seem angry.

[slow, gentle music]

-[shuffling footsteps] -[slow, gentle music]

[shuffling footsteps]

Hello.

Good choice.

[speaking a foreign language]

About a golden haired child who refuses to answer questions.

Right.

What is essential is invisible to the eye.

Sorry?

[Man] That's what the book teaches us.

What, you and me?

All of us.

Oh well, I've a bin full of bills at home,

I can see 'em all.

Well the reason they're in the bin then, that's essential.

That's what's essential.

Yeah.

Well, I'm Angus.

This is my bookshop, so.

How do you do, Angus?

So what do you like?

[Funny Cow] Like?

To read, what do you like to read?

Well I'm a seeker after knowledge, me.

[Angus] That's good.

I like that.

I've only just started mine, so I'm a new seeker.

Well I'm an arted champion of the new seeker, so.

Ah, that's good.

Would you like to go out for a drink?

-Oh no. -[book thumps]

[walking footsteps]

Can I have um--

Four pints, two Babycham.

Eh hang on, I'm first.

Yeah, shut your mouth or you'll get a crack.

That's not fair, I've been here 10 minutes.

Oh aye?

Aye.

Fighting man, are you?

-No. -Oh.

I'll give you half ten to learn, eh?

Silly bollocks, eh?

Hey, what do you think of these?

Nice, aren't they?

Guess where I got 'em?

[sighs] No idea.

Levelle's, you know, on Chapel Walk.

Guess how much?

Nine quid!

Aren't they lovely?

Mit don't know they were that much.

Kill him if he knew, he's head'd blow off.

Lovely though, aren't they?

Yeah.

Hey it's heaving in here aint it? ram packed.

Oh, this is nice, is it new?

Yeah, it is.

Where'd you get it?

Club book, 27 payments, only paid one.

It's lovely.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen

and welcome to Crook's Club.

I'd like you to put your hands together

and give a big Crook Club welcome

to the master of mirth, Lenny Lennon.

[audience applauding]

Whoa, thank you.

Lovely.

I had a fellow knock on me door last night,

he said, "Do you believe in free speech?"

I said, "Yes, I do."

He said, "Good, can I use your phone?"

So this fella in prison says to his cellmate,

"How long you in for?"

So this lag says to him, "Just three days."

So the fella says, "Three days?

"That's great, how did you manage that?"

And this old lag says, "They're hanging me on Monday.

So they came to hang him,

so him and the hangman are walking across the yard

on the day of the hanging

and it's lashing it down with rain,

so this lag says to the hangman,

"What a bloody day to be hanged."

And the hangman says, "I don't know

"what you're complaining about,

"I have to walk back in this."

[Heckler] Shut up you wassock!

Now come on, ladies and gentlemen,

let's have some order, please.

Give order all around the room.

Old bastard's doing his best, give him a chance.

Yeah right. [laughs]

Hey, I went to Bradford last week, bloody Bradford,

I felt like the white spot on a domino.

Ring 999 in Bradford and they don't send police,

I rang and Bengal lancers turned up.

[audience laughs]

So anyway, I had a blackout last night.

I did, I had a blackout.

Seeing it tomorrow night and all.

[audience laughs]

-[audience applauding] -[gentle music]

[man yells]

[Man] See ya!

All right, come on, wakey wakey.

-Get up, come on! -[clapping]

Quick, the pair of ya, come on, up!

Up hey, now just look.

Look at that, look what we've got.

[Funny Calf] What is it?

That's a swimming pool.

We've got a swimming pool, how's about that, eh?

Come on then, downstairs, toast on the table.

[running footsteps]

Don't tell anyone at school, I mean it.

♪ No one will be so gentle

♪ And so lovable

-[woman hollering] -[water trickling]

[children giggling]

[Child] Bet it's nice and cold.

[children chattering]

[water hissing]

[children chattering]

Well I love it.

All right then, upstairs.

Get your swimming costume on.

What swimming costume?

I ain't got a swimming costume.

Get upstairs and put your dad's new underpants on.

-Mom please. -Go on, do it!

And never you mind that lot, eh?

They're only jealous.

Come on down.

Right, now go and have a swim.

Come on then, let's have a dip.

I'm going to go under water for five minutes.

-[children cheering] -[applauding]

That wasn't five minutes, that was two seconds.

-[children cheering] -[applauding]

By the time I were 10,

kids at school had sniffed me out.

I wasn't one of them

and I couldn't hide it.

I tried for a while, you know, pretended.

But it were pointless, there were fumes coming off me.

I started acting up, playing the goat, letting it all out.

So they beat me

and then they isolated me.

You see,

unstable bitches aren't tolerated in the pack.

And once the die is cast, well that's it.

Once you're on the outside,

that's where you stay.

[engine humming]

[radio blaring]

[door rattles]

[door thumps]

Mike, help me now, Mike.

Look who's here.

Oh fuck, has she seen you?

No, She's seen Ollie.

I'm not going.

Hey, where you going?

Stay up there with Debs.

[nervous breathing]

Oh, stop breathing.

[doorbell rings]

Oh shit, she's not going.

Go on, she's your sister.

Go on.

Please, don't start.

Promise.

I'm not promising anything.

[door rattles]

Alright?

[Funny Cow] Hiya.

Thought I'd pop round. Ain't seen you for a bit.

No.

[Funny Cow] Well, can I come in?

Yeah yeah yeah, best come in, yeah.

[Funny Cow] Thanks.

-Hi Jean. -[door thumps]

Just about to have us dinner.

Where's yours?

I'm not bothered, I'll eat later.

[dishes clatter]

[Mike] Sit down.

Can't we go out and play?

No, sit down.

What are you doing, sit down!

Excuse me, no no no, I've said they can go out and play.

Go out and play, go on.

Liam.

Go on, out you go then.

[door thumps]

Right, [clears throat] I'm off out.

[Mike] Where you going?

Told ya, out.

It was lovely to see you, Jean.

-[door slams] -[picture clatters]

[distant birds chirping]

You should have phoned.

See you, Mike.

[gentle, jazzy music]

[bushes rustle]

[gentle jazzy music]

[girl laughs]

[Jean] Come on, come on.

-[car door thumps] -[engine rumbles]

[people talking]

[walking footsteps]

Hello, do you mind if I join you?

It's a free country.

[utensils clicking]

[slurps drink]

I want to do what you do.

[Lenny] Oh aye?

Yeah, I saw you at Crook's Club.

Oh did you?

Yeah.

I wanna do what you do.

I wanna make people laugh.

I wouldn't bother, waste of time.

Why do you say that, it isn't.

I'm funny.

Are you love?

That's good.

-I am. -[lighter clicks]

I doubt it.

It's not a job for a woman.

Why do you think all comics are blokes, love?

I'll tell you why, 'cause women aren't funny.

Don't know why, but they're just not.

You're not funny.

No.

-I mean-- -Singing,

can you sing?

They'll let you sing for 'em,

as long as you're not wearing much.

Or you could be a stripper.

They'd like it if you took your clothes off,

maybe flash your fanny for 'em.

But don't try and make 'em laugh.

They'll be on you like a pack of wolves, tear you to shreds.

I'd conquer 'em with love.

Yeah well, good luck with that, love.

Look, you don't understand.

Oh, I do.

Only too well.

I've got no choice.

I can't,

I can't do what everyone else does.

I can't be a civilian.

See, I've got no backbone.

I've got a funny bone instead.

Listen to me, love, 30 year ago,

I thought I was funny as fuck.

It's not about being funny, darling,

it's about surviving.

Try breathing slower.

I'm on at Dial House, Sunday dinner.

Right, I'll come.

Right then, I'm off.

You'll have me as daft as you.

[door thumps]

[walking footsteps]

[knocking on the door]

[walking footsteps]

[door rattles]

-Mom? -Mmhmm?

Where's all your chairs?

Gone.

All of 'em?

[mom grunts softly]

And your table and your sideboard?

mom, you can't carry on like this.

Don't fuss, love.

You're right.

Made you a pie.

Looks like a bus.

[Bob] Fucking Hell fire.

Look at the state of it in here.

-Bob-- -Still with him, are ya?

Aye, course you are.

All right, give her the pie.

Come on.

Oh mom.

Aye, nevermind.

[mom exhales]

[door thumps]

-[doorbells rings] -[door squeaks]

[Angus] Hello.

Hello.

[Angus] Back for "The Little Prince?"

Eh?

[Angus] The book,

you were reading it last time you came in.

Was I?

[Angus] Yeah.

Well I was just window shopping.

So how much are they?

What?

Your windows?

Eh?

I was only joking.

Oh, [sighs] sorry.

[Funny Cow laughs]

Put the kettle on, spitting feathers here.

Kettle, yes, of course, of course, come on through.

[walking footsteps]

Here you go.

Oh.

Oh don't tell me you're interested in etymology.

I wouldn't dream of it.

-What's ete-- -Etymology?

It's a passion of mine.

This book you were looking at.

I wasn't looking really.

Sniffing, yeah, looking, no.

[Angus] Sniffing?

I love the smell of books.

Don't you?

Yes, I suppose so.

I like leather, the smell of new leather.

[muttering] and that sort of thing, springs to mind.

I'm glad you came back.

Bet you are.

Hm.

-Oh Jesus-- -What's wrong?

[giggles] The tea.

What did you do, just serve a cup of picture of a teabag?

I'm sorry, I'm not a tea man, generally.

So where will we go?

Where will you take me?

On a date?

Do you mean a date?

[laughs] You're old fashioned.

-Hopelessly. -[Funny Cow giggles]

And I'm intelligent.

Can be very, very reasonable,

usually optimistic,

often depressed, I mean properly, properly depressed.

The whole nine yards, I can't talk.

I can't get out of bed.

And I get panic attacks and I snore.

Oh, I can become extraordinarily angry--

Enough, I'll come round tomorrow.

You can take me out for dinner.

Can I ask you what changed your mind about me

and about a date?

You can ask, yeah.

But you'll just smile and refuse to answer?

You're right.

So there's your answer.

-[cheerful, orchestral music] -[film reel rattling]

Wow.

Wow.

Isn't that the most beautiful film you've ever seen?

That red, that vibrant [mumbles] red, did you enjoy it?

Yeah.

[people talking]

-Come. -Thank you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Which part did you like the best?

Em, the balloons.

What, at the end?

[Funny Cow] Yeah, at the end.

-[people talking quietly] -[soft music]

[Angus] What's his name?

Don't matter.

Bob.

It's Bob.

And you and Bob, do you get on?

Does he make you laugh?

Oh yeah, he's hysterical.

You're being sarcastic, right?

Do you love him?

No, of course not.

-Does he-- -What?

Knock me about?

Yeah he does.

Happy now?

Happy?

Why on Earth would I be happy to hear that?

[Funny Cow] Well you can be my rescue, can't you?

Play at shining knights.

I'm a damsel in distress.

Anyway, it don't matter.

Who took your self-esteem from you?

You have very low self-esteem.

Nobody took it, I handed it over of me own volition.

So what're you gonna say now?

In life people get what they think they deserve.

No, that's hard to watch.

I mean why is it all the beautiful people are fucked up

and all the wankers bestride the Earth untouched?

Don't know.

Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to?

I'm being serious.

Don't be.

So what about you?

Why aren't you married?

How do you know I'm not?

[Funny Cow laughs]

You, [laughs] never, not in a million years.

All right, I'm not that bad.

Surely somebody out there would have me.

That's not what I meant.

Stop fishing.

I'm not.

I am.

[Funny Cow laughing]

Wow, you laugh as well.

I never would have thought it.

[Funny Cow chuckles]

So.

Ah, women.

Um,

seems that I just don't measure up to some

template that they have in their heads.

Tragic, aren't I?

You could be.

If I let ya.

Right, well I'll walk from here.

[Angus] Are you sure?

I don't mind dropping you off outside.

Oh no.

[laughs] Oh no.

There'll be a welcoming party.

Least this way, you get to see me walk away.

Does that mean I won't see you again?

No, it means you'll get to see my ass chasse.

That means chase in French. [giggles]

-Will I? -Will you?

Will I?

Will we?

[door thumps]

[walking footsteps]

[door clatters]

What's your name, soft-cock?

[door thumps]

[Angus] S'cuse me, what do you think you're doing?

Shh shh shh shh, shut your mouth.

What's your name, what do they call ya?

Huh?

Mm. [sniffs]

I can smell

I can smell fanny in here.

I can smell fanny and shit.

[sniffs] Can you smell fanny and shit?

I'll bet you can.

I bet you can smell funny and shit

everywhere you fucking go, can't you?

Please get out of my car.

Now don't talk.

Shut your mouth.

Now you know.

Now you know.

Cunt.

Eh?

[door clatters]

[door thumps]

[engine rumbles]

[bell rings]

[upbeat music]

♪ Don't feel the same on the bang, not really ♪

♪ Just want you girl on the side ♪

♪ I know it's a shame, but I got a feeling ♪

♪ I need you here tonight

♪ And I know you can't stand to see me around ♪

♪ But you're my bitch on the side ♪

♪ And now come here so you can play your feelings ♪

♪ And more than satisfied.

♪ Ohhhh

[audience applauding]

Nice work.

[people talking]

Whoa, there we go.

All right, thanks very much ladies and gentlemen.

A fellow knocked on me door last week,

he said, "Do you believe in free speech?"

So I says, "Yeah."

And he says, "Good, can I use your phone, please?"

So these two fellas in prison, sharing a cell, you know,

and one fella says, "How long you in for, mate?"

And the other fella says, "Just three days."

And the fella says, "three days,

"how come you just get three days?"

And the fella says--

They're hanging me on Monday.

I've heard it.

[Man] Got any jokes?

Hey, I've seen you on telly, aren't I? [chuckles]

Interference, oy.

Could you fuck off, we're expecting a comic here.

[audience chattering]

So this bird goes into one of them sex shops,

says to the fella, "I'd like a vibrator please."

And the fella says, "Well what color would you like?

"We've got red, black, blue, pink, green."

And the bird stops him and says,

"I want that one, behind ya, the tartan one."

The bloke says, "You can fuck off,

"that's me thermos flask."

I'm from Mansfield, me.

God it's depressing.

We aren't twinned with anywhere,

but we do have a suicide pact with Rotherham.

Sorry mate, I don't know what--

-Well then-- -I've always done well here.

[Man] There you go.

You're too late, I've just finished.

I know, I were there.

Oh, were you?

Well now you know, don't you?

It was horrible, you, you--

Died, I died a thousand deaths.

Why are they like that?

How do you do it, you know when they don't like you?

How do you do it?

'Cause I died years ago, love.

I'm a comedic zombie.

They can't touch me anymore.

Dead man walking, me.

[grunts]

Now if you'll excuse me.

Where you going?

I'm going swimming, in a sea of beer.

It washes away all the hurt and the dirt.

It's the stains though, won't shift them.

-Ta-ra love. -[door slams]

[engine rumbles]

[gentle, slow music]

[walking footsteps]

S'cuse me.

[coins clicking]

[Man] No, no, no, oy, oy oy, don't play that now.

[Man] Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.

♪ Mule train, hyah hyah

-[man yelling] -[upbeat music]

♪ Mule train

Woo, woo!

♪ Clippety cloppin' over hill and plain ♪

♪ Seems as how they never stop, clippety clop, clippety clop ♪

-[banging on counter] -♪ Clippety cloppin along

♪ Mule train, hyah hyah

-♪ Mule train -Woo!

♪ Clippety cloppin' over the mountain chain ♪

♪ Soon they're gonna reach the top ♪

♪ Clippety clop, clippety clop, clippety clop ♪

♪ Clippety, clippety, clippety cloppin' along ♪

[rings bell]

♪ There's a plug o'chaw tobacky for a rancher in Corona ♪

♪ A guitar for a cowboy way out in Arizona ♪

♪ A dress of calico for a pretty Navajo ♪

-[TV playing] -[dishes clattering]

Where you going?

[Funny Cow] Out.

Don't be fucking clever.

I won't ask you again, where are you going?

I told ya, out.

What's this, eh, search for a star?

It's a talent show.

[Bob] Oh all right, that's where you're going, is it,

to watch a fucking talent show?

Oh no.

Don't tell me you've entered the bastard.

Is that what you're telling me,

that you've entered a fucking talent show?

Yeah I am, all right!

Don't fucking shout at me!

Think I am? Fucking soft Mick?

Right, I'm telling you,

you go and do this,

I'll break your fucking nose for ya.

Don't say you weren't warned.

Now fuck off.

Right.

I'm going.

Right.

I'm serious.

I'll break your fucking nose, do you understand me?

Yeah.

Good.

You cannot beat me.

You'll never fucking beat me, never,

not while you've got a fucking hole in your ass.

-[door rattles] -[slams]

[fist slams]

[Man] Number one, please.

[man muttering]

[distant piano playing]

Colin Pang.

With hound dog.

He dances.

Thank you very much.

[upbeat piano music]

[dog whimpers]

Don't, don't you, don't you leave like she did!

[Man] I'm sorry, I don't think so.

He will dance, he dances in the kitchen.

Well that would only be half the job done, wouldn't it?

I think Elvis should leave the building now.

Number two please.

Hello, what's your name?

[Performer] Eh, Rodney Chitterton.

Boy, that reeks of glamor.

What you gonna do for us then, Rodney?

[Rodney] Just sing a song.

The stage is yours.

[gentle guitar music]

♪ Sorry I've been away so long

♪ I needed just a little more time ♪

♪ If you stare through the glass from moment to moment ♪

♪ It's funny what you find

♪ We can move our bodies like a twist of smoke ♪

♪ Come let us shake like the flame ♪

Whoa, hold it there.

Lovely.

Get you a change of a name

and a nice girlie to sing with,

I'll have something for you to sign at the end.

Number three.

Hello ello ello, ladies and gentlemen, now then,

has anyone seen a lion around here?

Will you help me call him, would you do that?

That'd be wonderful.

-Leo! -Leo!

Bloody hell, thank you very much, lady.

Right, oh, here he is, here.

Hello Leo.

Hello, hello everybody--

Thank you.

We haven't even started yet.

Thank you.

Could we at least do a song?

♪ Born free

As free as the wind blows--

Stop!

Not quite what I'm looking for, thank you.

Twat.

What did you say?

Nothing, I didn't say anything.

It were him.

But you are a bastard anyway.

[thumping footsteps]

Number four.

Number five.

Number six.

What am I, a fucking bingo caller?

Number seven, anyone there, number seven?

[walking footsteps]

[clears throat]

[mic humming]

Um. [clears throat]

Ready.

Off you go, love, people waiting.

I haven't got the time, actually,

so would you mind shitting or getting off the pot, please?

[muttering nervously]

We're ready.

Off you go. [clapping hands]

Come on, people waiting.

[muttering nervously]

So the other day, I went into this laundry shop

and [whimpering] I said to a woman there,

[whimpering] "Excuse me, I'd like to try them knickers on,

"in your window."

She laughed, she said, "you'll have to go in the bloody

"Queue like everybody else."

My fathers got a right good job, he has,

he's got 500 men under him, he's working in his garage

-oh sorry. -Jokes, is it?

[sniffling] Yeah.

Do you like jokes?

They're all right, if you like laughing.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic

Satan worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.

[gentle, slow music]

[distant siren wailing]

[keys rattling]

[door thumps shut]

[keys clatter]

Stupid.

[Funny Cow grunts]

I told you, didn't I?

I fucking told ya, I told ya what'd happen, eh?!

[labored breathing]

[Funny Cow] I won't swallow it.

What?

[Funny Cow] This, anymore.

What are you talking about, you silly twat?

[Funny Cow] [grunting] It's over, Bob, no more.

Get in there and get me something to fucking eat!

No!

[Bob] Right, well you're not fucking going anywhere.

[Funny Cow laughing]

You think its, [laughing]

I know who I am. [laughing]

Listen to me.

-Listen to me! -[Funny Cow laughing]

Listen to me!

I'm telling ya, you've got fucking nothing to come!

-Listen! -[Funny Cow laughing]

[TV playing]

[groans] Oh God.

[sighs]

[coughing]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[labored breathing]

[gentle music]

♪ Love me

♪ Just a little bit more

♪ Yeah and love me

♪ Like you did before

♪ I'm not asking you to buy me the moon ♪

-[register clanks] -That's yours.

-♪ I just want you -Thank you very much,

enjoy the book.

♪ Come back soon and love me

Right then.

Hello.

Right then what?

You can start rescuing.

What's happened?

I'm here now.

I'm here with you.

I've come to share the tragedy.

All right.

Oh well that's,

that's wonderful.

It's really wonderful.

[relaxed breathing]

Fucking hell. [giggles]

[gentle, slow music]

Fucking hell.

Fucking hell.

[gentle opera music]

Fuck me. [laughing]

Fucking hell, two fucking bathrooms?

[laughing]

[gentle opera music]

Fucking hell.

[gentle opera music]

-[typewriter clicking] -Fucking hell.

-[giggling] -[gentle opera music]

[dishes clattering]

Cup of tea?

Fucking hell. [giggling]

-[gentle opera music] -[walking footsteps]

[knocking]

[door rattling]

[gentle opera music]

I've left him.

Oh aye?

Leaving prison?

Something to remind me.

Aye.

Can't go on living a lie.

Can't you?

It's a pity.

-[liquid trickling] -You think I should,

don't ya?

It's not weak to leave, mom.

It's weak to stay.

Is it?

[dramatic opera music]

I went to see a counselor, a therapist,

and he said, "You need to learn

"to cultivate a more fatalistic approach to life,

"learn that it's better just to let life happen."

I wanted to smack him in the face.

Be somebody else, is that what he meant?

How can I do that?

So that is it, it's

it's that or face the madness?

The monster behind the eyes.

And this therapist, he gave me tablets,

to hold me together,

give me level playing field,

give me a chance, he said.

But then you just cut adrift with a trail of tablets

to get you back and well, that's too scary.

You can't hold onto tablets when you're drowning.

Too small.

[gentle, opera music]

You meet different people, don't you?

Educated people, articulate people.

[lighter clicking]

And you think,

I'm one of them, oh thank God, I'm one of them.

And then one day,

hits you over the back of the head like a hammer.

You don't belong with them either

because they're so wrapped up in themselves,

they can't feel anything

and they're scared and judgemental

and too busy trying to insulate themselves

against the cold winds that are gonna topple them

and it don't matter how high or they hold their head,

they're still gonna get a whiff of the shit that they're in.

You end up becoming the person

you're pretending to be, don't ya?

Invent yourself.

It always felt like a film to me,

like I'm playing meself in a film, you know.

There's a big party, many standing on the side,

you know, watching you perform.

Oh and I've always been writing me autobiography.

Hm, you know and if the story didn't fit all right,

I didn't like the version of meself, well then,

I'd spit it out.

Or swallow it.

[gentle opera music]

[doorbell rings]

[walking footsteps]

[door rattles]

Hello?

[gentle opera music]

[door clatters]

[gentle opera music]

[Funny Cow screams playfully]

-Jesus! -[Funny Cow laughing]

You frightened the bloody life out of me!

Christ, haven't you got anything better to do?

Not that I can think of.

Oh Angus.

[laughing] There's a terrible smell of brown ale in here.

[laughing]

S'cuse me.

Fart ass. [laughing]

[Angus] Happy?

You what?

[Angus] Are you happy?

Delirious.

[Angus] You know what I meant.

No I don't.

It's a simple enough question.

[chuckles] It isn't though, is it?

Happiness comes and goes.

[sighs] I can't walk around grinning like a Cheshire Cat,

I'm just not like that.

Know what I think?

[Funny Cow] [chuckles] What?

I think we should have children.

Why, are you pregnant?

Can you imagine our child?

You'd be an amazing mother.

Are you mad?

[Angus] No, you would.

You really would, it'd be the making of you.

You'd take to it like a duck to water.

[Funny Cow] No.

You don't have to answer now.

I don't want children.

I don't.

Can't say that.

I can't, all right,

so now you're telling me what I can't say?

All I meant, never say never.

All right, that's all I meant by that.

You'll change your mind, you'll see.

I won't though.

I've already had an abortion.

What?

You heard.

Bob's.

Well,

you weren't meant to be with him anyway, were you?

It's all right.

It's not a problem, I'm all right with it.

Thank you, that's very big of ya.

Are you sulking?

[Angus] No.

[sighs] I'm just being honest.

That's what you want from me, isn't it, honesty?

I can't have children, Angus.

Not physically,

not mentally.

I shouldn't be allowed to have children.

Somebody needs to break the circle.

What circle?

Monkey see, monkey do and I do and I would.

So I won't have children.

So now you know.

All right.

We'll see, won't we?

-[distant train humming] -[people talking]

[knocking]

What's wrong?

Just feeling a bit rough.

Rough?

You look terrible,

what's wrong?

I aren't a doctor, am I?

[door clatters]

Where does it hurt?

Sheffield, Leeds, Barnsley, it bloody kills in Barnsley.

Oh. [grunts]

Should I get someone?

Yeah, get Rachel Welch.

Tell her I need mouth to mouth or a cock rub,

either'll do.

Stop it.

[Lenny sighs]

[Lenny groans]

Just got here, I'm on in an hour and a half.

Well you can't.

I've got to, be right.

Yeah, well let's get you inside.

-[Lenny groans] -Come on.

[Lenny groaning]

Watch your head.

-[Lenny groaning] -[gentle music]

-[door thumps] -Lenny,

there you are.

[lighter clicks]

You all right, lad?

[Lenny] I can't go on, Danny.

You can't go on?

What on earth are you talking about?

Hey you have to go on, I confirmed you last week.

Course you can go on.

He's poorly.

Come on, shit, shower, shampoo, you know the rest.

No, I'm finished.

[sighs] Not just tonight.

Full stop.

I'm packing it in, Danny, I've had enough.

Look look, do this spot tonight--

No, I'm done.

Do this spot tonight

and then come and see me in the office tomorrow,

-we'll have a chat-- -Will you be said?

No more.

Right, so what do I tell to Consack then?

Tell him you don't feel like it?

See, I've got a reputation.

Years to build, seconds to lose,

I don't think I'm gonna be able to find a replacement

this time, Saturday, so you'll just have to go on.

You don't need no one.

Put this one on, she'll not let you down.

Lenny, they're expecting a comic,

not a singer or whatever it is.

She is a comic.

-I don't think so-- -I am, I am,

that's what I am, I'm a comic.

Listen love, that lot out there will tear you to pieces.

Hon, they'll sniff you and dig you out

as soon as you open your mouth, possibly even before.

Well I'll conquer 'em with love.

Oh love?

Well good luck with that.

She can do it.

She's a funny cow.

Like he said,

you won't find anyone else.

I'll do it for nowt.

[Danny sighs]

Right, you do 10 minutes.

I'll speak with the concert.

Don't fuck it up.

Shit. [chuckles]

♪ I wouldn't want to

♪ Lower the tone

♪ But you know there's still a little ♪

♪ Spare meat on the bone

♪ Oh I still want you

♪ Oh I still want you

♪ Oh I still want you

♪ Until the sun goes cold

♪ No need to breath all alone

♪ Oh I still want you

-[audience cheering] -[applauding]

Bloody marvelous, did you enjoy that?

[audience affirming]

Marvelous, now then,

let's have a big Crook Club welcome for your next turn,

put your hands together for the Funny Cow.

-[audience cheering] -[applauding]

Thank you, thank you very much.

I love a a warm hand on me entrance.

Anyway, [clears throat] I was sat home the other day

and there was a knock at the door.

So I get up and I go to the door

and there's a fellow standing there

and he says, "Hello love, do you believe in free speech?"

I says, "Yes, I do."

He says, "Great, can I use your phone?"

[Heckler] Can I use your phone?

[audience chuckling]

[clears throat]

[sighs]

You've ruined me act.

[Heckler] What act?

You're shit!

Oh no no, you've ruined it.

I was just gonna do an impression of a cunt

and you beat me to it.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

-Get your tits out! -[Funny Cow laughing]

If your cock was as big as your mouth, I'd think about it.

Oh, oh, by the way, by the way, excuse me,

what do you call a woman who likes small cocks?

[whispers] What's your name, love?

Janet! [laughing]

She's heard it!

[audience clapping]

Anyway, right, there were these three blokes,

sat in a pub, all sat at separate tables, having a pint,

they're a puff, they're a Paki

and there was this English bloke,

out of nowhere appears this fairy godmother.

She says, "I've come to grant you one wish,

"all of ya, one wish each.

"Whatever you want, your wish is my command."

So she goes back to Paki and she says,

"So, sunshine, what would you like?"

And he thinks about it for a second and he says,

"You know what I am thinking,

"I would like to take all my friends

"and all my family and all my people,"

-he's a Welsh Paki by the way, -[audience laughs]

he says, "and I'd like to take them back all to Pakistan

"where we can live happy ever after

"with no bother, no racism."

So she says, "Great, right, there you go,

"there is your wish granted."

Anyway, she turns to the puff and she says,

"Hello sweetheart, what would you like?"

He says, "Well actually, you know what I'd like?"

He says, "I'd like me and all my bum chums

"to go and live on a big island

"in the middle of the Pacific Ocean

"where we can live free and happy and no one to bother us."

She says, "All right, your wish granted."

Anyway, English fellow sat there, just finished off his pint

and she says, "All right, sunshine, what would you like?"

And he sits and he looks at her, he says,

"Eh, can you just run those past me again?"

She says, "Yeah."

He says, "So, Paki, he wants to go back to Pakistan

"with all his family and friends and all his kind."

"Yeah," she says.

He says, "And puff, he wants to go and live on an island

"in the middle of the Pacific

"and bum himself into oblivion with all his bum chums?"

She says, "Yes."

So he sits, he stares into his pint and he says,

"You know what, I'll just have another pint."

-[audience laughing] -[applauding]

[Heckler] Get off, splitter!

Hey no, I'm getting 50 quid to make a twat of meself,

what are you getting?

[audience laughs]

Oh wait, me mother rang the other night.

Oh, she were distraught, she were awful.

I says, "You all right?"

She says, "No love, I'm not."

I says, "What's the matter?"

She says, "It's your father."

She says, "I've just come back from doctors

"and he's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and V.D."

I says, "Oh."

She says, "Yes, the worst thing is,

"I've left back door open and he's disappeared.

I says, "Well mother, if he comes back,

"whatever you do, don't fuck him."

I'll fuck you!

[Man] Sit down.

You couldn't fuck your way out of a paper bag sunshine.

[audience laughing]

[Heckler] I'm gonna get home

and get some fucking help from you!

Why don't you shut your mouth, you big, ugly, boring cunt.

[audience laughing]

You're so ugly, when you were born,

midwife slapped your mother.

You're so boring, when you're wanking,

your wrists fall asleep.

Yeah, fuck off!

[crowd yelling chaotically]

Hey hey now, oh, what's the difference

between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up a bird's ass.

[audience laughing]

[door squeaks]

-[chain rattles] -[toilet gurgling]

[distant audience laughing]

Confucius say, "Man who drop what's in toilet

"have shitty time."

[distant audience laughing]

Hello incontinence help line?

Can you hold?

[distant audience laughing]

[grunting]

How many animals can you fit on a toilet?

One pussy and a thousand hares.

Give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for a day,

give a man hope and he'll starve to death,

hoping for a fish.

Take my life, please.

-[body clattering] -[gasping]

-[distant audience laughing] -[applauding]

Hey now, have any of you read any

of them lonely hearts adverts in the paper?

Lying bastards, aren't they?

Eh, lying bastards.

Ya can't believe a word they say.

Honestly, adventurous?

That means I like anal.

[audience laughing]

Intelligent,

smelly fanny.

[audience laughing]

Curvy,

-fat twat. -[audience laughs]

Cuddly,

-fatter twat. -[audience laughs]

Likes eating out,

-lazy fat twat. -[audience laughs]

-[applauding] -[cheering]

How was the wonderful Funny Cow?

Let's give it up for Funny Cow!

I mean it, I'll get you double, there is money.

I'll keep you busy five nights a week.

You sign with me, I'll take you all the way.

Where to?

Where to?

Top of the greasy pole, that's where.

I'm gonna make you a star, darling.

[Funny Cow] Oh, twinkle, twinkle--

Oh, I mean it.

Don't tease me.

I'm not teasing, I don't tease and I don't mess around

because I am all business.

Are ya, well I'm 40% cheese.

Lenny.

[gentle, slow music]

[Man] How now! what news?

[Woman] he's almost supped.

Why have you left the chamber?

[Man] Has he asked for me?

[Woman] Know you not he has?.

[Man] We will proceed no further in this business.

He hath honored me of late

and I have bought golden opinions from all sorts of places.

[Man] Which would be worn now in their newest gloss,

not cast aside so soon.

[Woman] Was the hope drunk wherein you dressed yourself?

Hath it slept since and wakes it now

to look so green and pale?

[Angus] Where did you go?

[Funny Cow] Barbados.

[Angus] Sarcasm doesn't suit you, you know that.

[Funny Cow] Oh, you don't think so?

That's a shame.

Why did you leave?

'Cause I was bored shitless.

Shakespeare?

You're telling me Shakespeare's boring?

No, I'm telling you, I was bored.

It's not my thing.

Well what is?

I don't know, not bleeding pinky and bleeding perky.

It's because I'm thick, all right.

No, no you're not thick, far from it.

[chuckles] I can't understand half of what they're saying

and then when they started laughing, I wanted to kill 'em.

There's that bloke sat behind us,

and he's mouthing the words like he's in some sing along,

looking around, making sure the audience are watching him.

You don't have to be threatened by it.

Shakespeare's for everyone.

[Funny Cow] It's not though, is it?

Because you lot have hijacked it.

You lot, what do you mean by that?

Well you know, the educated.

Oh right, right, so,

would you rather that I wasn't educated, is that it?

Would you rather I went to the football, drank lager,

came home and beat you?

Would you like that, is that it, is that what you prefer?

Drag my knuckles?

No, I prefer you didn't bring me in

like some Liza fucking Doolittle.

I just don't want it.

What do you think my motivation was?

I just wanted you to enjoy it with me, a shared experience.

I don't have some fucking agenda.

I love you and I wanted us to have

a really nice night out together at the theater.

Is that so bad?

Well I don't.

You don't what?

Love you.

I'm sorry, Angus.

Really, I am.

I don't know how you,

I've been inside you.

I know.

Don't finish it.

Please, we're good together.

I can change.

I can and I will.

I don't want to be on my own.

I don't want to be alone, please.

I've waited so long for somebody like you--

Well you can't make me love you

because I can't love.

It's not you.

You're lovely and you're funny and you're kind.

Well don't fucking finish it then.

If all that's true, don't finish it, please.

You are better off without me.

No.

No I'm not, I'm fucking not.

I'm a monster.

No.

I am, I'm barbaric and I'm sentimental.

Is that the right word?

You know, I could kill somebody, chop up their body

and put in a tart and biscuits and I'm fucked!

You don't tell me to shut up.

You don't tell me to be quiet.

Of course I don't, why would I do that?

I love you.

That is love to me.

And it's not your fault.

I'm going now.

Where are you going?

You're going back to him so he can squash you and beat you?

No.

Take care, Angus.

If you knew how much I was hurting inside,

you wouldn't do this, you wouldn't.

Bye Angus.

[somber, gentle music]

-[dog barking] -[phone ringing]

-[slow, gentle music] -[steady breathing]

How you doing?

I was waiting for you to come.

I didn't know if you were gonna come.

I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't come.

[mutters]

This [mutters]

makes me deaf when I take it off.

[Funny Cow] It's a shame 'cause it suits you.

[Bob grunts]

Look at me hands.

I've been waiting for you to come

'cause I wanted to tell ya,

really

I'm really sorry.

For everything that went on.

And um,

and um,

I'm sorry for shouting at you.

I'm sorry for all the shouting at you,

'cause you didn't deserve it.

Sorry that.

Yet I know, you had to go

and you should have gone before.

Come here.

Can't move me thing.

Come here.

Come here.

-Sorry. -I know.

Sorry.

I'm sleeping.

[machines beeping]

[curtains swishing]

[walking footsteps]

[door rattles]

[engine humming]

[Funny Cow laughing]

Bye Bob!

[cheerful, gentle music]

♪ Now she'll never play those haunted music halls again ♪

♪ Something better's coming and it's just around the bend ♪

♪ She will not forget her roots or where it all began ♪

♪ One click of those ruby slippers and she's home again ♪

♪ She's a funny cow

[gentle, cheerful music]

Oh God.

[walking footsteps]

[Funny Cow sighs]

-[clanking glass] -[shuffling footsteps]

[door rattles]

[Funny Cow sighs]

-[door thumps] -Here.

Let me do that.

-[trickling liquid] -[unsteady breathing]

Are you gonna carry on like this?

Thought I might, yeah.

-[clinking glass] -[trickling liquid]

You are gonna drink yourself to death!

-Give it me! -Well,

I was born in a stall weren't I!

-[trickling liquid] -[clinking glass]

It's bloody cold in here, mom.

It's cold everywhere.

You're like a little bird.

[mom coughing]

I wanna do something for you.

-Do ya? -Yeah, I do.

I know it's not been right, us.

And I know you don't like to talk.

But want to take you to the coast,

to live.

If you like.

I'll buy you a place.

[mom sobbing]

I'm no kind of a mother. [sobbing]

Drink myself stupid. [sniffs]

I will.

You can do it under a big sky, can't you?

[sobbing] I'm so sorry, love.

What are we like hey?

-Shh. -[mom sobbing]

-[bottle clinks] -[thumps]

[seagulls squawking]

You might be happy now.

Might be.

Why did you put up with it?

'Cause I didn't know any better.

You shoulda got out.

Shoulda?

Coulda, didn't.

You saw him hitting me, mom.

I were really little.

It wasn't right.

Can't be helped now.

No.

when I was a kid,

I dreamt I was flying,

flying over Salisbury Plain.

I didn't know it was Salisbury Plain 'til I grew up.

It was a beautiful sunny day.

Wind was stinging me face,

pulling my mouth open,

but it was a memory,

not a dream.

I was flying

and I know that isn't right,

but it's true.

I was flying.

See, I've lived my whole life knowing I can fly.

It's what's kept me up,

lifted me up.

-[slow, gentle music] -[walking footsteps]

-[swing squeaking] -[slow, gentle music]

[gravel crunches]

[slow, gentle music]

You see, it's always been too much for me, life,

too much

and not enough

all at the same time.

Listen to me going on eh?.

[gentle, slow music]

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ Always acts the clown

♪ To all those faces in dark places ♪

♪ So many rain, gray towns

♪ But any second now

♪ She'll bring down the house

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ See her take a bow

♪ The stages that she graces are so much bigger now ♪

♪ And by any means how

♪ She'll bring down this house

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ Now she'll never play those haunted music halls again ♪

♪ Something better's coming

♪ And it's just around the bend ♪

♪ She will not forget her roots or where it all began ♪

♪ One click of those ruby slippers and she's home again ♪

♪ She's a funny cow

[gentle, slow music]

♪ This is the part we get it wrong ♪

♪ Sometimes it's not where you're at ♪

♪ It's where you're from

♪ And even the family cat can laugh along ♪

♪ She could sing to the birds

♪ They'd sing her songs

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ Who's laughing now

♪ And she's a funny cow

[slow, gentle music]

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ She's a funny cow

♪ She's a funny cow

[slow, gentle music]

♪ I never asked you to buy me the moon ♪

♪ I just wanted you to come back soon and love me ♪

♪ Like you did before

♪ Yeah and love me

♪ Just a little bit more

♪ And love me