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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,708 --> 00:00:03,875 [dramatic theme music] 2 00:00:38,625 --> 00:00:43,625 -[dramatic music] -[gears clanking] 3 00:00:44,208 --> 00:00:46,625 [gears clicking] 4 00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:50,000 [dramatic theme music] 5 00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:59,208 [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 6 00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,083 please give a big welcome to Funny Cow. 7 00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:06,125 -[audience cheering] -[applauding] 8 00:01:06,250 --> 00:01:10,291 Thank you, thank you very much and good evening. 9 00:01:10,416 --> 00:01:13,333 Can I just say how very, very nice 10 00:01:13,458 --> 00:01:15,083 it is to be here this evening. 11 00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:16,791 It is, it's very nice, 12 00:01:16,916 --> 00:01:18,208 but then again, I'm from Rotherham, 13 00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:19,833 so it's nice to be anywhere. 14 00:01:19,958 --> 00:01:21,625 [audience laughs] 15 00:01:21,750 --> 00:01:23,750 You see, in Rotherham, we're not twinned with anywhere, 16 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,833 we're not, it's unfortunate, that, 17 00:01:25,958 --> 00:01:28,041 but we do have a suicide pact with Doncaster. 18 00:01:28,166 --> 00:01:30,875 [audience laughing] 19 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,208 Now talking of suicide, 20 00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,333 this bloke right, he goes into a library 21 00:01:35,458 --> 00:01:37,083 and he's having a mooch about, you know, 22 00:01:37,208 --> 00:01:39,041 he's looking at the shelves and the librarian, she sees him. 23 00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:41,791 So she goes over, she says, "Excuse me, sir, can I help ya?" 24 00:01:41,916 --> 00:01:44,333 He said, "I'm looking for some books on suicide, 25 00:01:44,458 --> 00:01:45,875 "but I can't seem to find any." 26 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:46,958 She says, "Yeah, that's 'cause the buggers 27 00:01:47,083 --> 00:01:48,041 "never bring them back." 28 00:01:48,166 --> 00:01:51,041 [audience laughing] 29 00:01:52,375 --> 00:01:54,208 Look at me hands, they're not right. 30 00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:59,333 Well this one is, this other one's left. [chuckles] 31 00:02:00,791 --> 00:02:03,250 But they're not like yours, they're different. 32 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:07,500 They've got no work in 'em 33 00:02:07,625 --> 00:02:10,000 and that's tired me out. 34 00:02:10,125 --> 00:02:10,916 You see, 35 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:15,041 I don't know whether to hit you with 'em 36 00:02:15,166 --> 00:02:17,083 or stroke you with 'em. 37 00:02:18,916 --> 00:02:21,416 My dad were the same with his, 38 00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,916 although he didn't go in for stroking much, 39 00:02:24,041 --> 00:02:27,875 I don't think he knew he wanted to. [chuckles] 40 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,958 I had a funny relationship with me dad. 41 00:02:31,083 --> 00:02:34,125 He was a hard man, very hard. 42 00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:35,833 I remember one day, there was this kid in our street 43 00:02:35,958 --> 00:02:38,333 and he says, "I bet my dad can beat up your dad." 44 00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,291 And I thought, "Fuckin' hell, when?" 45 00:02:40,416 --> 00:02:43,500 [audience laughing] 46 00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:45,458 Things changed when me dad died. 47 00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:46,416 [Audience] Aw. 48 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:49,000 What do you mean, aw? 49 00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:53,250 Me mom, she took it bad, she turned to drink. 50 00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:54,500 She went out on the game. 51 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:01,291 One night she come home with one pound and two pence. 52 00:03:02,875 --> 00:03:05,500 I said, "Bloody hell mom, who's give you two pence?" 53 00:03:05,625 --> 00:03:06,791 She said, "They all have." 54 00:03:06,916 --> 00:03:09,916 [audience laughing] 55 00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:13,416 I was about eight or nine, I was at school 56 00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:16,875 and you know when you have to do one of them talks? 57 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,333 You know, what you're gonna be when you grow up. 58 00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:23,625 And it were Yvonne Wilson and she said, "I shall be a clown 59 00:03:23,750 --> 00:03:25,791 "because I was silly." 60 00:03:25,916 --> 00:03:28,375 And Mr. Harrison, he were the teacher, 61 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:29,333 he agreed. 62 00:03:31,041 --> 00:03:33,833 And I thought, "That's what I'll do. 63 00:03:33,958 --> 00:03:36,875 "It'll be my job to make 'em laugh." 64 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,375 -[audience cheering] -[applauding] 65 00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:43,333 ♪ She's a funny cow 66 00:03:43,458 --> 00:03:46,541 ♪ Always acts the clown 67 00:03:46,666 --> 00:03:50,000 ♪ To all those faces in dark places ♪ 68 00:03:50,125 --> 00:03:53,750 ♪ So many rain, gray towns 69 00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:56,625 ♪ Any second now 70 00:03:56,750 --> 00:04:00,000 ♪ She'll bring down the house 71 00:04:00,125 --> 00:04:05,083 ♪ She's a funny cow 72 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:11,375 ♪ She's a funny cow, see her take a bow ♪ 73 00:04:13,958 --> 00:04:18,958 ♪ The stages that she graces are so much bigger now ♪ 74 00:04:20,625 --> 00:04:25,375 ♪ And by any means how, she'll bring down this house ♪ 75 00:04:27,375 --> 00:04:31,000 ♪ She's a funny cow 76 00:04:31,125 --> 00:04:31,916 Thank you. 77 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,000 [Child] Is it you? 78 00:04:37,125 --> 00:04:38,500 Are you famous? 79 00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:40,833 -♪ There it goes again -[woman giggles] 80 00:04:40,958 --> 00:04:43,625 ♪ Something better's coming 81 00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:47,375 ♪ And it's just around the bend ♪ 82 00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:52,458 ♪ She will not forget her roots or where it all began ♪ 83 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:59,333 ♪ One click of those ruby slippers and she's home again ♪ 84 00:05:03,708 --> 00:05:06,000 ♪ She's a funny cow 85 00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:08,583 [swing chains squeaking] 86 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,458 How many houses have you got? 87 00:05:10,583 --> 00:05:12,083 Eh? what are you on about? 88 00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:13,500 One, one house. 89 00:05:13,625 --> 00:05:15,125 [Boy] She says you've got seven. 90 00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:17,041 No we haven't, we've got one house, not seven. 91 00:05:17,166 --> 00:05:18,625 She got five bikes? 92 00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:21,541 No, she hasn't got a bike, she borrows mine. 93 00:05:21,666 --> 00:05:24,208 She's a lying bastard, your sister's a lying bastard. 94 00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:27,541 You think I've got to come down from here, don't ya? 95 00:05:27,666 --> 00:05:29,875 You think I've got to come down, well I'm not. 96 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,125 [Boy] Lying bastard, big head. 97 00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:34,458 [Girl] Lying bastard, big head. 98 00:05:34,583 --> 00:05:36,708 [girl giggles] 99 00:05:36,833 --> 00:05:39,833 ["Funny Cow" music] 100 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:45,833 -All right? -Yeah. 101 00:05:45,958 --> 00:05:46,791 Going down good hill? 102 00:05:46,916 --> 00:05:48,541 -Yeah. -Go on. 103 00:05:48,666 --> 00:05:51,583 ["Funny Cow" music] 104 00:05:55,583 --> 00:05:57,583 Where are you going? 105 00:05:57,708 --> 00:05:59,708 I'm talking to you. 106 00:05:59,833 --> 00:06:02,125 Think you're something, don't ya, something special. 107 00:06:02,250 --> 00:06:04,833 Well you're not, you're a piece of shit is all. 108 00:06:04,958 --> 00:06:07,000 Come on, big head, come on. 109 00:06:07,125 --> 00:06:08,166 [girl grunts] 110 00:06:08,291 --> 00:06:10,208 She's covered in shit. 111 00:06:10,333 --> 00:06:11,958 Look shit ass, you shit yourself. 112 00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,291 You dirty cow. 113 00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,125 I am, I'm a dirty cow, me. 114 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,416 Eh, she's picked it up, she's picked it up. 115 00:06:17,541 --> 00:06:19,916 Yeah, you can call me dog shit Dora. 116 00:06:20,041 --> 00:06:23,166 [children screaming] 117 00:06:26,958 --> 00:06:29,541 [girl laughing] 118 00:06:32,791 --> 00:06:35,583 -[door rattles] -[thumps shut] 119 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,250 Where have you been? 120 00:06:40,375 --> 00:06:41,166 Where's me mom? 121 00:06:41,291 --> 00:06:42,000 [Dad] Eh? 122 00:06:42,125 --> 00:06:44,291 Where's me mom? 123 00:06:44,416 --> 00:06:47,291 She's out there with her stupid fucking mates, 124 00:06:47,416 --> 00:06:50,625 while I'm in here with no dinner. 125 00:06:50,750 --> 00:06:51,958 Make me a tea. 126 00:06:57,458 --> 00:07:00,041 [water hissing] 127 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,500 What you doing? 128 00:07:02,625 --> 00:07:04,000 I said make me a cup of tea. 129 00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:05,625 Get your own tea. 130 00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:07,416 [Dad] What'd you say? 131 00:07:07,541 --> 00:07:08,541 You heard. 132 00:07:09,666 --> 00:07:14,666 Make me a fucking cup of tea now. 133 00:07:14,791 --> 00:07:17,541 Get your own cup of fucking tea. 134 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,083 You cheeky little fucking, come here! 135 00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,666 [hand smacks girl] 136 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,041 Who do you think you're fucking talking to? 137 00:07:25,166 --> 00:07:27,416 Shut your fucking mouth! 138 00:07:27,541 --> 00:07:31,541 And don't answer me back, you little fucking cow! 139 00:07:31,666 --> 00:07:34,625 -Get up, get up! -[belt thumping girl] 140 00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:35,791 Get fucking up! 141 00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:39,875 Are you angry, dad? 142 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,458 You seem angry again. 143 00:07:42,583 --> 00:07:43,791 Get out. 144 00:07:43,916 --> 00:07:47,541 Get out. [labored breathing] 145 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:53,416 -Fucking flee! -[dishes clatter] 146 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:58,541 -[distant children playing] -[birds chirping] 147 00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:12,583 Yippee. 148 00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:15,833 [Priest] Page 116. 149 00:08:17,041 --> 00:08:20,166 The day thou gave us, Lord, has ended. 150 00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:24,583 [somber organ music] 151 00:08:27,666 --> 00:08:29,666 Oh, it's bloody cold in here. 152 00:08:29,791 --> 00:08:32,125 I won't be but a minute, mom. 153 00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:35,333 [somber organ music] 154 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:39,500 Bye you miserable bastard! 155 00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:42,958 [upbeat music] 156 00:08:43,083 --> 00:08:45,458 ♪ What you say while you're running away from me ♪ 157 00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:48,583 ♪ It's not like I'd ever hurt you ♪ 158 00:08:48,708 --> 00:08:51,208 ♪ My bad intentions were ever mentioned ♪ 159 00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:54,708 ♪ I don't know, but I heard you presume ♪ 160 00:08:54,833 --> 00:08:56,708 ♪ Won't you stay now that's out of the way ♪ 161 00:08:56,833 --> 00:09:00,666 ♪ And we can do what we really want to ♪ 162 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,208 ♪ Well don't just stand Jack, take my hand now ♪ 163 00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:06,583 ♪ We can dance the night through ♪ 164 00:09:06,708 --> 00:09:09,500 ♪ Well twist it twist it twist it twist it right now ♪ 165 00:09:09,625 --> 00:09:12,541 ♪ And you will find your feet 166 00:09:12,666 --> 00:09:15,541 ♪ And rock and roll is sweet, shake it out ♪ 167 00:09:15,666 --> 00:09:18,708 ♪ Then you can shake on me 168 00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:21,625 ♪ Well twist it twist it twist it twist it right now ♪ 169 00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:24,125 ♪ Before it's time to go 170 00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:25,083 [Bob] Darling. 171 00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:26,041 Hello. 172 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,333 [Bob] My name is Bob. 173 00:09:27,458 --> 00:09:28,125 Want a drink? 174 00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:29,041 No. 175 00:09:31,041 --> 00:09:31,833 Get off! 176 00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,666 I thought so. 177 00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,125 [Bob] It'll grow on ya. 178 00:09:36,250 --> 00:09:39,291 -[pair grunting] -[heavy breathing] 179 00:09:39,416 --> 00:09:41,000 -[Funny Cow giggling] -[distant dog barking] 180 00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:44,458 [Funny Cow yelling] 181 00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:47,000 -[pair grunting] -[heavy breathing] 182 00:09:47,125 --> 00:09:52,000 [shrieks] Oh watch out. [giggling] 183 00:09:53,791 --> 00:09:56,458 [sighing loudly] 184 00:09:56,583 --> 00:09:58,666 [laughing] 185 00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:08,041 I have something to tell ya. 186 00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:10,916 I'm back on the game, that'll be two quid. 187 00:10:11,041 --> 00:10:14,833 Oh aye? I've got something to tell you an' all. 188 00:10:14,958 --> 00:10:16,250 I've gone back taxiing. 189 00:10:16,375 --> 00:10:17,666 [Funny Cow giggles] 190 00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:18,583 It'll be three quid back into town. 191 00:10:18,708 --> 00:10:21,458 [Funny Cow laughing] 192 00:10:21,583 --> 00:10:23,375 [door thumps shut] 193 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:28,291 ♪ You're not a kid anymore, you're not a kid anymore ♪ 194 00:10:29,916 --> 00:10:34,708 ♪ When people ask of me, what would you like to be ♪ 195 00:10:36,916 --> 00:10:40,083 ♪ Now that you're not a kid anymore ♪ 196 00:10:40,208 --> 00:10:43,583 ♪ You're not a kid anymore 197 00:10:43,708 --> 00:10:48,750 ♪ I know just what to say, I answer right away ♪ 198 00:10:50,375 --> 00:10:55,291 ♪ There's just one thing I've been wishing for ♪ 199 00:10:56,541 --> 00:10:58,041 -♪ I wanna be -Oh fucking hell. 200 00:10:58,166 --> 00:11:00,666 ♪ Bobby's girl, I wanna be Bobby's girl ♪ 201 00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:02,666 Oh, it's nice. 202 00:11:02,791 --> 00:11:04,166 Oh, it's a double. 203 00:11:05,416 --> 00:11:08,750 Oh, I love it. [giggles] 204 00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:11,750 Oh, fucking hell. 205 00:11:13,625 --> 00:11:14,666 What do you reckon? 206 00:11:14,791 --> 00:11:16,541 It's fucking great. 207 00:11:16,666 --> 00:11:18,750 It's our house, where we live? 208 00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:20,916 Geez, make a right racket. 209 00:11:21,041 --> 00:11:22,333 Quiet at night though. 210 00:11:22,458 --> 00:11:24,583 Oh, won't though, will it? 211 00:11:26,041 --> 00:11:28,833 [Bob] Give over, I've gotta get back to work. 212 00:11:28,958 --> 00:11:31,458 I'm gonna stay here, make it nice. 213 00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:34,500 All right, I'll see you in a bit. 214 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,083 Here, this'll make for us tea. 215 00:11:40,208 --> 00:11:41,791 Housekeeping? 216 00:11:41,916 --> 00:11:42,750 Housekeeping money? 217 00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:44,666 It is, yeah. 218 00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:47,791 [walking footsteps] 219 00:11:54,833 --> 00:11:57,666 [paper rattles] 220 00:12:15,291 --> 00:12:18,541 [gentle, jazzy music] 221 00:13:00,625 --> 00:13:01,458 [door clatters] 222 00:13:01,583 --> 00:13:04,666 [gentle, jazzy music] 223 00:13:13,666 --> 00:13:18,666 -[scissors swishing] -[gentle music] 224 00:13:21,666 --> 00:13:24,125 [door rattles] 225 00:13:25,166 --> 00:13:26,250 [door thumps loudly] 226 00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:33,791 There's some chips. 227 00:13:33,916 --> 00:13:37,041 [gentle jazzy music] 228 00:13:41,041 --> 00:13:42,791 [radio button clicks off] 229 00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:49,833 [Bob burps] 230 00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:54,625 Oh, fucking say something then. 231 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,291 Sit down. 232 00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:03,916 Sit down. 233 00:14:06,125 --> 00:14:08,000 Brought chips in. 234 00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:09,083 I don't want any. 235 00:14:09,208 --> 00:14:11,000 Why is that then? 236 00:14:11,125 --> 00:14:13,583 Just to fucking wind me up? 237 00:14:13,708 --> 00:14:14,500 Eh? 238 00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:18,916 What's that you got? 239 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,041 Nothing. 240 00:14:22,250 --> 00:14:23,500 Not for you. 241 00:14:23,625 --> 00:14:24,416 Give it me here. 242 00:14:24,541 --> 00:14:25,916 [Funny Cow] No. 243 00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:33,000 Just to wind me up, eh? 244 00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:35,208 Just to fucking wind me up! 245 00:14:38,166 --> 00:14:39,875 Are you angry, Bob? 246 00:14:40,708 --> 00:14:41,958 You seem angry. 247 00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:03,541 [slow, gentle music] 248 00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:20,375 -[shuffling footsteps] -[slow, gentle music] 249 00:15:57,041 --> 00:16:00,000 [shuffling footsteps] 250 00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:04,041 Hello. 251 00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:09,083 Good choice. 252 00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:14,541 [speaking a foreign language] 253 00:16:14,666 --> 00:16:17,833 About a golden haired child who refuses to answer questions. 254 00:16:21,666 --> 00:16:22,458 Right. 255 00:16:23,666 --> 00:16:27,000 What is essential is invisible to the eye. 256 00:16:27,125 --> 00:16:28,458 Sorry? 257 00:16:28,583 --> 00:16:30,875 [Man] That's what the book teaches us. 258 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,166 What, you and me? 259 00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:37,041 All of us. 260 00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:41,708 Oh well, I've a bin full of bills at home, 261 00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:43,708 I can see 'em all. 262 00:16:43,833 --> 00:16:48,875 Well the reason they're in the bin then, that's essential. 263 00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:51,833 That's what's essential. 264 00:16:55,291 --> 00:16:56,083 Yeah. 265 00:16:57,375 --> 00:16:58,750 Well, I'm Angus. 266 00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,583 This is my bookshop, so. 267 00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:05,458 How do you do, Angus? 268 00:17:05,583 --> 00:17:07,958 So what do you like? 269 00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:09,333 [Funny Cow] Like? 270 00:17:09,458 --> 00:17:12,791 To read, what do you like to read? 271 00:17:12,916 --> 00:17:16,458 Well I'm a seeker after knowledge, me. 272 00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:18,708 [Angus] That's good. 273 00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:20,375 I like that. 274 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:25,000 I've only just started mine, so I'm a new seeker. 275 00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:29,166 Well I'm an arted champion of the new seeker, so. 276 00:17:29,291 --> 00:17:30,666 Ah, that's good. 277 00:17:34,708 --> 00:17:36,208 Would you like to go out for a drink? 278 00:17:36,333 --> 00:17:38,708 -Oh no. -[book thumps] 279 00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:41,541 [walking footsteps] 280 00:17:41,666 --> 00:17:43,125 Can I have um-- 281 00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:45,041 Four pints, two Babycham. 282 00:17:45,166 --> 00:17:47,583 Eh hang on, I'm first. 283 00:17:47,708 --> 00:17:51,000 Yeah, shut your mouth or you'll get a crack. 284 00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:55,083 That's not fair, I've been here 10 minutes. 285 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,000 Oh aye? 286 00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:56,916 Aye. 287 00:18:00,541 --> 00:18:02,541 Fighting man, are you? 288 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:04,958 -No. -Oh. 289 00:18:06,958 --> 00:18:09,208 I'll give you half ten to learn, eh? 290 00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:11,041 Silly bollocks, eh? 291 00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:15,166 Hey, what do you think of these? 292 00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:17,291 Nice, aren't they? 293 00:18:17,416 --> 00:18:18,166 Guess where I got 'em? 294 00:18:18,291 --> 00:18:19,583 [sighs] No idea. 295 00:18:19,708 --> 00:18:22,125 Levelle's, you know, on Chapel Walk. 296 00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:24,250 Guess how much? 297 00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,541 Nine quid! 298 00:18:25,666 --> 00:18:27,166 Aren't they lovely? 299 00:18:27,291 --> 00:18:28,708 Mit don't know they were that much. 300 00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:30,500 Kill him if he knew, he's head'd blow off. 301 00:18:30,625 --> 00:18:31,500 Lovely though, aren't they? 302 00:18:31,625 --> 00:18:32,916 Yeah. 303 00:18:33,041 --> 00:18:35,166 Hey it's heaving in here aint it? ram packed. 304 00:18:35,291 --> 00:18:37,250 Oh, this is nice, is it new? 305 00:18:37,375 --> 00:18:38,166 Yeah, it is. 306 00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:39,458 Where'd you get it? 307 00:18:39,583 --> 00:18:41,375 Club book, 27 payments, only paid one. 308 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:42,875 It's lovely. 309 00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:49,291 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen 310 00:18:49,416 --> 00:18:51,000 and welcome to Crook's Club. 311 00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:52,708 I'd like you to put your hands together 312 00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:55,166 and give a big Crook Club welcome 313 00:18:55,291 --> 00:18:58,750 to the master of mirth, Lenny Lennon. 314 00:18:58,875 --> 00:19:02,125 [audience applauding] 315 00:19:03,666 --> 00:19:05,208 Whoa, thank you. 316 00:19:06,291 --> 00:19:07,208 Lovely. 317 00:19:08,291 --> 00:19:10,541 I had a fellow knock on me door last night, 318 00:19:10,666 --> 00:19:13,041 he said, "Do you believe in free speech?" 319 00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:14,500 I said, "Yes, I do." 320 00:19:14,625 --> 00:19:17,125 He said, "Good, can I use your phone?" 321 00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:20,083 So this fella in prison says to his cellmate, 322 00:19:20,208 --> 00:19:21,708 "How long you in for?" 323 00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:25,250 So this lag says to him, "Just three days." 324 00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,666 So the fella says, "Three days? 325 00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:30,125 "That's great, how did you manage that?" 326 00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:33,250 And this old lag says, "They're hanging me on Monday. 327 00:19:33,375 --> 00:19:35,208 So they came to hang him, 328 00:19:35,333 --> 00:19:37,166 so him and the hangman are walking across the yard 329 00:19:37,291 --> 00:19:38,833 on the day of the hanging 330 00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:41,291 and it's lashing it down with rain, 331 00:19:41,416 --> 00:19:43,333 so this lag says to the hangman, 332 00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:45,166 "What a bloody day to be hanged." 333 00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:46,875 And the hangman says, "I don't know 334 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,166 "what you're complaining about, 335 00:19:48,291 --> 00:19:49,791 "I have to walk back in this." 336 00:19:49,916 --> 00:19:51,458 [Heckler] Shut up you wassock! 337 00:19:51,583 --> 00:19:53,250 Now come on, ladies and gentlemen, 338 00:19:53,375 --> 00:19:55,208 let's have some order, please. 339 00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:57,375 Give order all around the room. 340 00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,750 Old bastard's doing his best, give him a chance. 341 00:20:00,875 --> 00:20:02,500 Yeah right. [laughs] 342 00:20:02,625 --> 00:20:06,041 Hey, I went to Bradford last week, bloody Bradford, 343 00:20:06,166 --> 00:20:09,875 I felt like the white spot on a domino. 344 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,166 Ring 999 in Bradford and they don't send police, 345 00:20:13,291 --> 00:20:15,625 I rang and Bengal lancers turned up. 346 00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:17,625 [audience laughs] 347 00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,875 So anyway, I had a blackout last night. 348 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,041 I did, I had a blackout. 349 00:20:23,166 --> 00:20:25,458 Seeing it tomorrow night and all. 350 00:20:25,583 --> 00:20:26,916 [audience laughs] 351 00:20:27,041 --> 00:20:31,833 -[audience applauding] -[gentle music] 352 00:20:47,541 --> 00:20:49,333 [man yells] 353 00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:50,416 [Man] See ya! 354 00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:53,208 All right, come on, wakey wakey. 355 00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:54,833 -Get up, come on! -[clapping] 356 00:20:54,958 --> 00:20:57,000 Quick, the pair of ya, come on, up! 357 00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:59,666 Up hey, now just look. 358 00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:01,833 Look at that, look what we've got. 359 00:21:01,958 --> 00:21:03,333 [Funny Calf] What is it? 360 00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:05,250 That's a swimming pool. 361 00:21:05,375 --> 00:21:07,333 We've got a swimming pool, how's about that, eh? 362 00:21:07,458 --> 00:21:10,166 Come on then, downstairs, toast on the table. 363 00:21:10,291 --> 00:21:13,250 [running footsteps] 364 00:21:14,541 --> 00:21:16,625 Don't tell anyone at school, I mean it. 365 00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:21,750 ♪ No one will be so gentle 366 00:21:23,458 --> 00:21:26,166 ♪ And so lovable 367 00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:35,125 -[woman hollering] -[water trickling] 368 00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:36,875 [children giggling] 369 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,250 [Child] Bet it's nice and cold. 370 00:21:39,375 --> 00:21:42,333 [children chattering] 371 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,000 [water hissing] 372 00:21:46,125 --> 00:21:49,333 [children chattering] 373 00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:50,666 Well I love it. 374 00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:54,458 All right then, upstairs. 375 00:21:54,583 --> 00:21:57,208 Get your swimming costume on. 376 00:21:57,333 --> 00:21:58,583 What swimming costume? 377 00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:00,583 I ain't got a swimming costume. 378 00:22:00,708 --> 00:22:04,791 Get upstairs and put your dad's new underpants on. 379 00:22:04,916 --> 00:22:07,333 -Mom please. -Go on, do it! 380 00:22:08,833 --> 00:22:10,416 And never you mind that lot, eh? 381 00:22:10,541 --> 00:22:12,958 They're only jealous. 382 00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,166 Come on down. 383 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,000 Right, now go and have a swim. 384 00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:26,166 Come on then, let's have a dip. 385 00:22:26,291 --> 00:22:28,791 I'm going to go under water for five minutes. 386 00:22:28,916 --> 00:22:33,583 -[children cheering] -[applauding] 387 00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:36,208 That wasn't five minutes, that was two seconds. 388 00:22:36,333 --> 00:22:41,333 -[children cheering] -[applauding] 389 00:22:44,666 --> 00:22:46,500 By the time I were 10, 390 00:22:46,625 --> 00:22:49,375 kids at school had sniffed me out. 391 00:22:50,208 --> 00:22:51,750 I wasn't one of them 392 00:22:53,291 --> 00:22:55,666 and I couldn't hide it. 393 00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:59,458 I tried for a while, you know, pretended. 394 00:22:59,583 --> 00:23:04,083 But it were pointless, there were fumes coming off me. 395 00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:09,000 I started acting up, playing the goat, letting it all out. 396 00:23:11,541 --> 00:23:12,833 So they beat me 397 00:23:14,375 --> 00:23:16,416 and then they isolated me. 398 00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:18,250 You see, 399 00:23:19,791 --> 00:23:23,583 unstable bitches aren't tolerated in the pack. 400 00:23:27,833 --> 00:23:31,333 And once the die is cast, well that's it. 401 00:23:32,958 --> 00:23:35,250 Once you're on the outside, 402 00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:39,375 that's where you stay. 403 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,458 [engine humming] 404 00:23:46,708 --> 00:23:49,291 [radio blaring] 405 00:23:52,583 --> 00:23:55,083 [door rattles] 406 00:23:57,083 --> 00:23:57,875 [door thumps] 407 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,666 Mike, help me now, Mike. 408 00:24:00,791 --> 00:24:02,208 Look who's here. 409 00:24:05,708 --> 00:24:07,375 Oh fuck, has she seen you? 410 00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:08,375 No, She's seen Ollie. 411 00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:09,458 I'm not going. 412 00:24:12,708 --> 00:24:14,333 Hey, where you going? 413 00:24:14,458 --> 00:24:16,458 Stay up there with Debs. 414 00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:21,250 [nervous breathing] 415 00:24:21,375 --> 00:24:23,083 Oh, stop breathing. 416 00:24:35,625 --> 00:24:39,083 [doorbell rings] 417 00:24:39,208 --> 00:24:41,000 Oh shit, she's not going. 418 00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:43,208 Go on, she's your sister. 419 00:24:45,666 --> 00:24:46,791 Go on. 420 00:24:46,916 --> 00:24:48,583 Please, don't start. 421 00:24:48,708 --> 00:24:50,083 Promise. 422 00:24:50,208 --> 00:24:52,500 I'm not promising anything. 423 00:24:54,166 --> 00:24:56,541 [door rattles] 424 00:24:56,666 --> 00:24:57,583 Alright? 425 00:24:57,708 --> 00:24:59,166 [Funny Cow] Hiya. 426 00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:03,291 Thought I'd pop round. Ain't seen you for a bit. 427 00:25:03,416 --> 00:25:04,208 No. 428 00:25:05,916 --> 00:25:09,291 [Funny Cow] Well, can I come in? 429 00:25:09,416 --> 00:25:11,791 Yeah yeah yeah, best come in, yeah. 430 00:25:11,916 --> 00:25:13,583 [Funny Cow] Thanks. 431 00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:18,583 -Hi Jean. -[door thumps] 432 00:25:20,416 --> 00:25:22,875 Just about to have us dinner. 433 00:25:24,708 --> 00:25:25,958 Where's yours? 434 00:25:26,083 --> 00:25:27,666 I'm not bothered, I'll eat later. 435 00:25:27,791 --> 00:25:29,416 [dishes clatter] 436 00:25:31,833 --> 00:25:33,375 [Mike] Sit down. 437 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:34,875 Can't we go out and play? 438 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,333 No, sit down. 439 00:25:37,208 --> 00:25:38,916 What are you doing, sit down! 440 00:25:39,041 --> 00:25:40,625 Excuse me, no no no, I've said they can go out and play. 441 00:25:40,750 --> 00:25:42,583 Go out and play, go on. 442 00:25:42,708 --> 00:25:43,583 Liam. 443 00:25:48,666 --> 00:25:50,583 Go on, out you go then. 444 00:25:52,666 --> 00:25:53,833 [door thumps] 445 00:25:55,708 --> 00:25:58,708 Right, [clears throat] I'm off out. 446 00:25:58,833 --> 00:25:59,500 [Mike] Where you going? 447 00:25:59,625 --> 00:26:00,666 Told ya, out. 448 00:26:02,375 --> 00:26:04,541 It was lovely to see you, Jean. 449 00:26:04,666 --> 00:26:07,583 -[door slams] -[picture clatters] 450 00:26:07,708 --> 00:26:11,250 [distant birds chirping] 451 00:26:18,833 --> 00:26:20,708 You should have phoned. 452 00:26:29,750 --> 00:26:30,916 See you, Mike. 453 00:26:35,750 --> 00:26:38,958 [gentle, jazzy music] 454 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:49,833 [bushes rustle] 455 00:26:49,958 --> 00:26:53,083 [gentle jazzy music] 456 00:26:59,333 --> 00:27:01,208 [girl laughs] 457 00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:03,541 [Jean] Come on, come on. 458 00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:11,666 -[car door thumps] -[engine rumbles] 459 00:27:16,708 --> 00:27:19,416 [people talking] 460 00:27:20,583 --> 00:27:23,583 [walking footsteps] 461 00:27:27,916 --> 00:27:30,750 Hello, do you mind if I join you? 462 00:27:32,333 --> 00:27:33,833 It's a free country. 463 00:27:33,958 --> 00:27:36,916 [utensils clicking] 464 00:27:44,875 --> 00:27:46,458 [slurps drink] 465 00:27:47,750 --> 00:27:49,083 I want to do what you do. 466 00:27:49,208 --> 00:27:50,791 [Lenny] Oh aye? 467 00:27:50,916 --> 00:27:53,333 Yeah, I saw you at Crook's Club. 468 00:27:53,458 --> 00:27:54,583 Oh did you? 469 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:56,791 Yeah. 470 00:27:58,958 --> 00:28:00,750 I wanna do what you do. 471 00:28:00,875 --> 00:28:03,250 I wanna make people laugh. 472 00:28:03,375 --> 00:28:05,750 I wouldn't bother, waste of time. 473 00:28:05,875 --> 00:28:08,500 Why do you say that, it isn't. 474 00:28:08,625 --> 00:28:09,625 I'm funny. 475 00:28:09,750 --> 00:28:10,666 Are you love? 476 00:28:10,791 --> 00:28:11,833 That's good. 477 00:28:11,958 --> 00:28:14,583 -I am. -[lighter clicks] 478 00:28:17,750 --> 00:28:18,708 I doubt it. 479 00:28:20,541 --> 00:28:23,083 It's not a job for a woman. 480 00:28:23,208 --> 00:28:26,083 Why do you think all comics are blokes, love? 481 00:28:26,208 --> 00:28:30,208 I'll tell you why, 'cause women aren't funny. 482 00:28:30,333 --> 00:28:33,458 Don't know why, but they're just not. 483 00:28:34,666 --> 00:28:36,208 You're not funny. 484 00:28:36,333 --> 00:28:37,083 No. 485 00:28:38,458 --> 00:28:39,791 -I mean-- -Singing, 486 00:28:39,916 --> 00:28:41,708 can you sing? 487 00:28:41,833 --> 00:28:43,166 They'll let you sing for 'em, 488 00:28:43,291 --> 00:28:44,833 as long as you're not wearing much. 489 00:28:44,958 --> 00:28:46,708 Or you could be a stripper. 490 00:28:46,833 --> 00:28:49,000 They'd like it if you took your clothes off, 491 00:28:49,125 --> 00:28:51,875 maybe flash your fanny for 'em. 492 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,875 But don't try and make 'em laugh. 493 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,958 They'll be on you like a pack of wolves, tear you to shreds. 494 00:28:59,083 --> 00:29:01,458 I'd conquer 'em with love. 495 00:29:01,583 --> 00:29:04,250 Yeah well, good luck with that, love. 496 00:29:04,375 --> 00:29:05,875 Look, you don't understand. 497 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:06,875 Oh, I do. 498 00:29:08,041 --> 00:29:09,041 Only too well. 499 00:29:09,166 --> 00:29:10,708 I've got no choice. 500 00:29:10,833 --> 00:29:11,750 I can't, 501 00:29:13,166 --> 00:29:15,000 I can't do what everyone else does. 502 00:29:15,125 --> 00:29:16,916 I can't be a civilian. 503 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:19,833 See, I've got no backbone. 504 00:29:19,958 --> 00:29:21,708 I've got a funny bone instead. 505 00:29:21,833 --> 00:29:24,916 Listen to me, love, 30 year ago, 506 00:29:25,041 --> 00:29:27,291 I thought I was funny as fuck. 507 00:29:27,416 --> 00:29:29,791 It's not about being funny, darling, 508 00:29:29,916 --> 00:29:31,750 it's about surviving. 509 00:29:31,875 --> 00:29:33,791 Try breathing slower. 510 00:29:41,875 --> 00:29:44,291 I'm on at Dial House, Sunday dinner. 511 00:29:44,416 --> 00:29:46,666 Right, I'll come. 512 00:29:46,791 --> 00:29:48,041 Right then, I'm off. 513 00:29:48,166 --> 00:29:50,416 You'll have me as daft as you. 514 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:55,791 [door thumps] 515 00:29:55,916 --> 00:29:58,916 [walking footsteps] 516 00:30:05,875 --> 00:30:07,458 [knocking on the door] 517 00:30:07,583 --> 00:30:10,625 [walking footsteps] 518 00:30:29,250 --> 00:30:31,750 [door rattles] 519 00:30:31,875 --> 00:30:32,833 -Mom? -Mmhmm? 520 00:30:36,958 --> 00:30:38,500 Where's all your chairs? 521 00:30:41,583 --> 00:30:42,958 Gone. 522 00:30:43,083 --> 00:30:43,875 All of 'em? 523 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:45,791 [mom grunts softly] 524 00:30:45,916 --> 00:30:48,416 And your table and your sideboard? 525 00:30:50,625 --> 00:30:53,958 mom, you can't carry on like this. 526 00:30:54,083 --> 00:30:56,333 Don't fuss, love. 527 00:30:56,458 --> 00:30:57,750 You're right. 528 00:31:05,083 --> 00:31:06,166 Made you a pie. 529 00:31:07,375 --> 00:31:08,875 Looks like a bus. 530 00:31:10,041 --> 00:31:11,708 [Bob] Fucking Hell fire. 531 00:31:11,833 --> 00:31:13,291 Look at the state of it in here. 532 00:31:13,416 --> 00:31:16,333 -Bob-- -Still with him, are ya? 533 00:31:16,458 --> 00:31:18,625 Aye, course you are. 534 00:31:19,958 --> 00:31:22,416 All right, give her the pie. 535 00:31:22,541 --> 00:31:23,333 Come on. 536 00:31:27,416 --> 00:31:28,208 Oh mom. 537 00:31:29,500 --> 00:31:31,875 Aye, nevermind. 538 00:31:43,083 --> 00:31:45,458 [mom exhales] 539 00:31:50,833 --> 00:31:52,208 [door thumps] 540 00:31:56,791 --> 00:31:57,458 -[doorbells rings] -[door squeaks] 541 00:31:57,583 --> 00:31:58,958 [Angus] Hello. 542 00:31:59,083 --> 00:31:59,875 Hello. 543 00:32:01,041 --> 00:32:02,708 [Angus] Back for "The Little Prince?" 544 00:32:02,833 --> 00:32:03,958 Eh? 545 00:32:04,083 --> 00:32:05,500 [Angus] The book, 546 00:32:05,625 --> 00:32:06,625 you were reading it last time you came in. 547 00:32:06,750 --> 00:32:07,583 Was I? 548 00:32:07,708 --> 00:32:08,666 [Angus] Yeah. 549 00:32:08,791 --> 00:32:11,291 Well I was just window shopping. 550 00:32:12,708 --> 00:32:13,833 So how much are they? 551 00:32:13,958 --> 00:32:14,875 What? 552 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,583 Your windows? 553 00:32:16,708 --> 00:32:17,500 Eh? 554 00:32:18,833 --> 00:32:20,083 I was only joking. 555 00:32:20,208 --> 00:32:21,916 Oh, [sighs] sorry. 556 00:32:22,041 --> 00:32:24,166 [Funny Cow laughs] 557 00:32:24,291 --> 00:32:28,041 Put the kettle on, spitting feathers here. 558 00:32:28,166 --> 00:32:31,875 Kettle, yes, of course, of course, come on through. 559 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,958 [walking footsteps] 560 00:32:36,416 --> 00:32:37,916 Here you go. 561 00:32:38,041 --> 00:32:38,833 Oh. 562 00:32:41,333 --> 00:32:44,041 Oh don't tell me you're interested in etymology. 563 00:32:44,166 --> 00:32:45,958 I wouldn't dream of it. 564 00:32:46,083 --> 00:32:48,166 -What's ete-- -Etymology? 565 00:32:48,291 --> 00:32:50,166 It's a passion of mine. 566 00:32:53,500 --> 00:32:55,666 This book you were looking at. 567 00:32:55,791 --> 00:32:58,041 I wasn't looking really. 568 00:32:58,166 --> 00:33:02,416 Sniffing, yeah, looking, no. 569 00:33:02,541 --> 00:33:04,041 [Angus] Sniffing? 570 00:33:07,125 --> 00:33:09,583 I love the smell of books. 571 00:33:09,708 --> 00:33:10,583 Don't you? 572 00:33:10,708 --> 00:33:12,291 Yes, I suppose so. 573 00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:16,666 I like leather, the smell of new leather. 574 00:33:18,250 --> 00:33:22,500 [muttering] and that sort of thing, springs to mind. 575 00:33:26,375 --> 00:33:28,208 I'm glad you came back. 576 00:33:28,333 --> 00:33:30,166 Bet you are. 577 00:33:30,291 --> 00:33:31,083 Hm. 578 00:33:32,333 --> 00:33:34,541 -Oh Jesus-- -What's wrong? 579 00:33:34,666 --> 00:33:37,041 [giggles] The tea. 580 00:33:37,166 --> 00:33:41,291 What did you do, just serve a cup of picture of a teabag? 581 00:33:41,416 --> 00:33:45,000 I'm sorry, I'm not a tea man, generally. 582 00:33:47,541 --> 00:33:49,333 So where will we go? 583 00:33:50,791 --> 00:33:53,041 Where will you take me? 584 00:33:53,166 --> 00:33:54,041 On a date? 585 00:33:55,083 --> 00:33:56,625 Do you mean a date? 586 00:33:56,750 --> 00:34:01,000 [laughs] You're old fashioned. 587 00:34:01,125 --> 00:34:04,208 -Hopelessly. -[Funny Cow giggles] 588 00:34:04,333 --> 00:34:06,041 And I'm intelligent. 589 00:34:07,250 --> 00:34:09,750 Can be very, very reasonable, 590 00:34:11,083 --> 00:34:12,583 usually optimistic, 591 00:34:14,041 --> 00:34:18,500 often depressed, I mean properly, properly depressed. 592 00:34:18,625 --> 00:34:21,833 The whole nine yards, I can't talk. 593 00:34:21,958 --> 00:34:24,041 I can't get out of bed. 594 00:34:24,166 --> 00:34:27,000 And I get panic attacks and I snore. 595 00:34:28,250 --> 00:34:31,041 Oh, I can become extraordinarily angry-- 596 00:34:31,166 --> 00:34:33,875 Enough, I'll come round tomorrow. 597 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,500 You can take me out for dinner. 598 00:34:40,208 --> 00:34:43,125 Can I ask you what changed your mind about me 599 00:34:43,250 --> 00:34:45,375 and about a date? 600 00:34:45,500 --> 00:34:47,083 You can ask, yeah. 601 00:34:48,333 --> 00:34:51,791 But you'll just smile and refuse to answer? 602 00:34:51,916 --> 00:34:53,416 You're right. 603 00:34:53,541 --> 00:34:55,416 So there's your answer. 604 00:34:59,333 --> 00:35:04,083 -[cheerful, orchestral music] -[film reel rattling] 605 00:35:21,375 --> 00:35:22,208 Wow. 606 00:35:24,541 --> 00:35:25,333 Wow. 607 00:35:28,750 --> 00:35:31,083 Isn't that the most beautiful film you've ever seen? 608 00:35:34,208 --> 00:35:39,083 That red, that vibrant [mumbles] red, did you enjoy it? 609 00:35:39,625 --> 00:35:40,416 Yeah. 610 00:35:41,958 --> 00:35:44,375 [people talking] 611 00:35:44,500 --> 00:35:46,041 -Come. -Thank you. 612 00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:50,041 Thank you, thank you very much. 613 00:35:50,166 --> 00:35:51,458 Which part did you like the best? 614 00:35:51,583 --> 00:35:53,125 Em, the balloons. 615 00:35:54,375 --> 00:35:55,375 What, at the end? 616 00:35:55,500 --> 00:35:56,875 [Funny Cow] Yeah, at the end. 617 00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:01,791 -[people talking quietly] -[soft music] 618 00:36:04,916 --> 00:36:07,166 [Angus] What's his name? 619 00:36:08,083 --> 00:36:09,166 Don't matter. 620 00:36:12,125 --> 00:36:12,916 Bob. 621 00:36:14,791 --> 00:36:15,583 It's Bob. 622 00:36:17,291 --> 00:36:20,333 And you and Bob, do you get on? 623 00:36:20,458 --> 00:36:22,291 Does he make you laugh? 624 00:36:22,416 --> 00:36:24,750 Oh yeah, he's hysterical. 625 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:28,708 You're being sarcastic, right? 626 00:36:31,541 --> 00:36:32,958 Do you love him? 627 00:36:33,083 --> 00:36:35,166 No, of course not. 628 00:36:35,291 --> 00:36:37,291 -Does he-- -What? 629 00:36:37,416 --> 00:36:38,458 Knock me about? 630 00:36:39,500 --> 00:36:40,583 Yeah he does. 631 00:36:42,750 --> 00:36:43,541 Happy now? 632 00:36:45,041 --> 00:36:45,833 Happy? 633 00:36:47,375 --> 00:36:49,416 Why on Earth would I be happy to hear that? 634 00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:52,333 [Funny Cow] Well you can be my rescue, can't you? 635 00:36:52,458 --> 00:36:54,208 Play at shining knights. 636 00:36:55,750 --> 00:36:57,875 I'm a damsel in distress. 637 00:36:59,291 --> 00:37:01,000 Anyway, it don't matter. 638 00:37:01,125 --> 00:37:04,208 Who took your self-esteem from you? 639 00:37:04,333 --> 00:37:06,333 You have very low self-esteem. 640 00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:10,833 Nobody took it, I handed it over of me own volition. 641 00:37:12,291 --> 00:37:14,583 So what're you gonna say now? 642 00:37:16,458 --> 00:37:20,416 In life people get what they think they deserve. 643 00:37:22,291 --> 00:37:24,208 No, that's hard to watch. 644 00:37:26,250 --> 00:37:30,166 I mean why is it all the beautiful people are fucked up 645 00:37:30,291 --> 00:37:33,791 and all the wankers bestride the Earth untouched? 646 00:37:33,916 --> 00:37:35,500 Don't know. 647 00:37:35,625 --> 00:37:39,000 Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to? 648 00:37:39,125 --> 00:37:41,000 I'm being serious. 649 00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:42,000 Don't be. 650 00:37:44,208 --> 00:37:45,541 So what about you? 651 00:37:46,708 --> 00:37:48,958 Why aren't you married? 652 00:37:49,083 --> 00:37:50,166 How do you know I'm not? 653 00:37:50,291 --> 00:37:51,750 [Funny Cow laughs] 654 00:37:51,875 --> 00:37:56,041 You, [laughs] never, not in a million years. 655 00:37:56,166 --> 00:37:58,916 All right, I'm not that bad. 656 00:37:59,041 --> 00:38:01,125 Surely somebody out there would have me. 657 00:38:01,250 --> 00:38:02,916 That's not what I meant. 658 00:38:03,041 --> 00:38:04,000 Stop fishing. 659 00:38:04,125 --> 00:38:04,916 I'm not. 660 00:38:06,750 --> 00:38:07,541 I am. 661 00:38:07,666 --> 00:38:09,666 [Funny Cow laughing] 662 00:38:09,791 --> 00:38:12,125 Wow, you laugh as well. 663 00:38:12,250 --> 00:38:15,291 I never would have thought it. 664 00:38:15,416 --> 00:38:18,041 [Funny Cow chuckles] 665 00:38:18,166 --> 00:38:18,958 So. 666 00:38:20,250 --> 00:38:21,916 Ah, women. 667 00:38:24,375 --> 00:38:25,166 Um, 668 00:38:27,125 --> 00:38:30,500 seems that I just don't measure up to some 669 00:38:30,625 --> 00:38:33,916 template that they have in their heads. 670 00:38:36,958 --> 00:38:38,291 Tragic, aren't I? 671 00:38:40,041 --> 00:38:41,291 You could be. 672 00:38:42,500 --> 00:38:43,458 If I let ya. 673 00:38:45,583 --> 00:38:48,291 Right, well I'll walk from here. 674 00:38:49,458 --> 00:38:51,416 [Angus] Are you sure? 675 00:38:51,541 --> 00:38:52,750 I don't mind dropping you off outside. 676 00:38:52,875 --> 00:38:53,583 Oh no. 677 00:38:53,708 --> 00:38:55,041 [laughs] Oh no. 678 00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:58,000 There'll be a welcoming party. 679 00:38:58,125 --> 00:39:01,916 Least this way, you get to see me walk away. 680 00:39:02,041 --> 00:39:04,166 Does that mean I won't see you again? 681 00:39:04,291 --> 00:39:08,250 No, it means you'll get to see my ass chasse. 682 00:39:09,541 --> 00:39:13,916 That means chase in French. [giggles] 683 00:39:15,541 --> 00:39:17,000 -Will I? -Will you? 684 00:39:17,125 --> 00:39:18,041 Will I? 685 00:39:18,166 --> 00:39:18,958 Will we? 686 00:39:34,958 --> 00:39:35,750 [door thumps] 687 00:39:35,875 --> 00:39:38,750 [walking footsteps] 688 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,583 [door clatters] 689 00:39:47,708 --> 00:39:49,000 What's your name, soft-cock? 690 00:39:49,125 --> 00:39:50,708 [door thumps] 691 00:39:50,833 --> 00:39:51,875 [Angus] S'cuse me, what do you think you're doing? 692 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:53,416 Shh shh shh shh, shut your mouth. 693 00:39:53,541 --> 00:39:55,583 What's your name, what do they call ya? 694 00:39:55,708 --> 00:39:56,500 Huh? 695 00:39:58,458 --> 00:40:00,375 Mm. [sniffs] 696 00:40:00,500 --> 00:40:02,291 I can smell 697 00:40:02,416 --> 00:40:04,083 I can smell fanny in here. 698 00:40:04,208 --> 00:40:06,041 I can smell fanny and shit. 699 00:40:06,166 --> 00:40:10,791 [sniffs] Can you smell fanny and shit? 700 00:40:10,916 --> 00:40:12,833 I'll bet you can. 701 00:40:12,958 --> 00:40:14,375 I bet you can smell funny and shit 702 00:40:14,500 --> 00:40:18,166 everywhere you fucking go, can't you? 703 00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:19,625 Please get out of my car. 704 00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:21,541 Now don't talk. 705 00:40:21,666 --> 00:40:23,083 Shut your mouth. 706 00:40:27,458 --> 00:40:28,583 Now you know. 707 00:40:30,333 --> 00:40:31,375 Now you know. 708 00:40:32,833 --> 00:40:33,625 Cunt. 709 00:40:34,791 --> 00:40:35,583 Eh? 710 00:40:39,666 --> 00:40:42,250 [door clatters] 711 00:40:43,458 --> 00:40:46,375 [door thumps] 712 00:40:46,500 --> 00:40:49,125 [engine rumbles] 713 00:40:49,250 --> 00:40:51,416 [bell rings] 714 00:40:54,625 --> 00:40:57,375 [upbeat music] 715 00:41:03,291 --> 00:41:07,000 ♪ Don't feel the same on the bang, not really ♪ 716 00:41:07,125 --> 00:41:10,833 ♪ Just want you girl on the side ♪ 717 00:41:10,958 --> 00:41:14,750 ♪ I know it's a shame, but I got a feeling ♪ 718 00:41:14,875 --> 00:41:18,500 ♪ I need you here tonight 719 00:41:18,625 --> 00:41:22,458 ♪ And I know you can't stand to see me around ♪ 720 00:41:22,583 --> 00:41:26,458 ♪ But you're my bitch on the side ♪ 721 00:41:26,583 --> 00:41:30,416 ♪ And now come here so you can play your feelings ♪ 722 00:41:30,541 --> 00:41:33,875 ♪ And more than satisfied. 723 00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:36,000 ♪ Ohhhh 724 00:41:37,708 --> 00:41:40,666 [audience applauding] 725 00:41:41,500 --> 00:41:42,458 Nice work. 726 00:41:45,250 --> 00:41:47,958 [people talking] 727 00:41:54,333 --> 00:41:56,416 Whoa, there we go. 728 00:41:56,541 --> 00:41:59,541 All right, thanks very much ladies and gentlemen. 729 00:41:59,666 --> 00:42:01,625 A fellow knocked on me door last week, 730 00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:03,833 he said, "Do you believe in free speech?" 731 00:42:03,958 --> 00:42:05,541 So I says, "Yeah." 732 00:42:05,666 --> 00:42:09,458 And he says, "Good, can I use your phone, please?" 733 00:42:09,583 --> 00:42:13,375 So these two fellas in prison, sharing a cell, you know, 734 00:42:13,500 --> 00:42:16,333 and one fella says, "How long you in for, mate?" 735 00:42:16,458 --> 00:42:19,000 And the other fella says, "Just three days." 736 00:42:19,125 --> 00:42:21,125 And the fella says, "three days, 737 00:42:21,250 --> 00:42:23,291 "how come you just get three days?" 738 00:42:23,416 --> 00:42:24,416 And the fella says-- 739 00:42:24,541 --> 00:42:25,708 They're hanging me on Monday. 740 00:42:25,833 --> 00:42:27,500 I've heard it. 741 00:42:27,625 --> 00:42:29,458 [Man] Got any jokes? 742 00:42:29,583 --> 00:42:31,875 Hey, I've seen you on telly, aren't I? [chuckles] 743 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,708 Interference, oy. 744 00:42:33,833 --> 00:42:36,041 Could you fuck off, we're expecting a comic here. 745 00:42:36,166 --> 00:42:39,000 [audience chattering] 746 00:42:39,125 --> 00:42:41,500 So this bird goes into one of them sex shops, 747 00:42:41,625 --> 00:42:45,375 says to the fella, "I'd like a vibrator please." 748 00:42:45,500 --> 00:42:48,000 And the fella says, "Well what color would you like? 749 00:42:48,125 --> 00:42:51,250 "We've got red, black, blue, pink, green." 750 00:42:51,375 --> 00:42:53,208 And the bird stops him and says, 751 00:42:53,333 --> 00:42:56,625 "I want that one, behind ya, the tartan one." 752 00:42:56,750 --> 00:42:59,291 The bloke says, "You can fuck off, 753 00:42:59,416 --> 00:43:01,541 "that's me thermos flask." 754 00:43:04,250 --> 00:43:06,208 I'm from Mansfield, me. 755 00:43:06,333 --> 00:43:08,541 God it's depressing. 756 00:43:08,666 --> 00:43:09,958 We aren't twinned with anywhere, 757 00:43:10,083 --> 00:43:12,708 but we do have a suicide pact with Rotherham. 758 00:43:12,833 --> 00:43:14,541 Sorry mate, I don't know what-- 759 00:43:14,666 --> 00:43:17,125 -Well then-- -I've always done well here. 760 00:43:17,250 --> 00:43:18,958 [Man] There you go. 761 00:43:24,583 --> 00:43:26,250 You're too late, I've just finished. 762 00:43:26,375 --> 00:43:28,833 I know, I were there. 763 00:43:28,958 --> 00:43:30,250 Oh, were you? 764 00:43:31,291 --> 00:43:34,333 Well now you know, don't you? 765 00:43:34,458 --> 00:43:36,541 It was horrible, you, you-- 766 00:43:36,666 --> 00:43:39,833 Died, I died a thousand deaths. 767 00:43:39,958 --> 00:43:41,750 Why are they like that? 768 00:43:41,875 --> 00:43:45,416 How do you do it, you know when they don't like you? 769 00:43:45,541 --> 00:43:47,291 How do you do it? 770 00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:50,416 'Cause I died years ago, love. 771 00:43:50,541 --> 00:43:52,833 I'm a comedic zombie. 772 00:43:52,958 --> 00:43:55,375 They can't touch me anymore. 773 00:43:56,333 --> 00:43:57,916 Dead man walking, me. 774 00:43:58,041 --> 00:43:58,916 [grunts] 775 00:44:01,958 --> 00:44:04,291 Now if you'll excuse me. 776 00:44:04,416 --> 00:44:06,291 Where you going? 777 00:44:06,416 --> 00:44:09,583 I'm going swimming, in a sea of beer. 778 00:44:10,666 --> 00:44:14,375 It washes away all the hurt and the dirt. 779 00:44:14,500 --> 00:44:18,708 It's the stains though, won't shift them. 780 00:44:18,833 --> 00:44:20,833 -Ta-ra love. -[door slams] 781 00:44:20,958 --> 00:44:23,625 [engine rumbles] 782 00:44:32,625 --> 00:44:35,625 [gentle, slow music] 783 00:44:49,208 --> 00:44:52,125 [walking footsteps] 784 00:44:54,041 --> 00:44:55,041 S'cuse me. 785 00:44:59,125 --> 00:45:01,125 [coins clicking] 786 00:45:01,250 --> 00:45:03,833 [Man] No, no, no, oy, oy oy, don't play that now. 787 00:45:03,958 --> 00:45:05,583 [Man] Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup. 788 00:45:05,708 --> 00:45:09,583 ♪ Mule train, hyah hyah 789 00:45:09,708 --> 00:45:14,625 -[man yelling] -[upbeat music] 790 00:45:15,375 --> 00:45:17,666 ♪ Mule train 791 00:45:19,500 --> 00:45:21,000 Woo, woo! 792 00:45:21,125 --> 00:45:24,958 ♪ Clippety cloppin' over hill and plain ♪ 793 00:45:25,083 --> 00:45:30,083 ♪ Seems as how they never stop, clippety clop, clippety clop ♪ 794 00:45:31,583 --> 00:45:35,666 -[banging on counter] -♪ Clippety cloppin along 795 00:45:37,875 --> 00:45:41,041 ♪ Mule train, hyah hyah 796 00:45:45,708 --> 00:45:48,458 -♪ Mule train -Woo! 797 00:45:51,208 --> 00:45:55,416 ♪ Clippety cloppin' over the mountain chain ♪ 798 00:45:55,541 --> 00:45:57,833 ♪ Soon they're gonna reach the top ♪ 799 00:45:57,958 --> 00:46:00,458 ♪ Clippety clop, clippety clop, clippety clop ♪ 800 00:46:00,583 --> 00:46:03,083 ♪ Clippety, clippety, clippety cloppin' along ♪ 801 00:46:03,208 --> 00:46:06,250 [rings bell] 802 00:46:06,375 --> 00:46:10,000 ♪ There's a plug o'chaw tobacky for a rancher in Corona ♪ 803 00:46:10,125 --> 00:46:13,708 ♪ A guitar for a cowboy way out in Arizona ♪ 804 00:46:13,833 --> 00:46:18,750 ♪ A dress of calico for a pretty Navajo ♪ 805 00:46:18,875 --> 00:46:23,708 -[TV playing] -[dishes clattering] 806 00:46:41,916 --> 00:46:43,791 Where you going? 807 00:46:43,916 --> 00:46:45,250 [Funny Cow] Out. 808 00:46:45,375 --> 00:46:47,666 Don't be fucking clever. 809 00:46:47,791 --> 00:46:49,625 I won't ask you again, where are you going? 810 00:46:49,750 --> 00:46:51,000 I told ya, out. 811 00:46:58,250 --> 00:47:01,375 What's this, eh, search for a star? 812 00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:04,750 It's a talent show. 813 00:47:04,875 --> 00:47:08,333 [Bob] Oh all right, that's where you're going, is it, 814 00:47:08,458 --> 00:47:11,250 to watch a fucking talent show? 815 00:47:12,500 --> 00:47:13,291 Oh no. 816 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:18,791 Don't tell me you've entered the bastard. 817 00:47:18,916 --> 00:47:20,333 Is that what you're telling me, 818 00:47:20,458 --> 00:47:22,541 that you've entered a fucking talent show? 819 00:47:22,666 --> 00:47:23,916 Yeah I am, all right! 820 00:47:24,041 --> 00:47:26,458 Don't fucking shout at me! 821 00:47:27,916 --> 00:47:30,250 Think I am? Fucking soft Mick? 822 00:47:31,583 --> 00:47:33,791 Right, I'm telling you, 823 00:47:33,916 --> 00:47:35,541 you go and do this, 824 00:47:36,791 --> 00:47:39,041 I'll break your fucking nose for ya. 825 00:47:39,166 --> 00:47:40,125 Don't say you weren't warned. 826 00:47:40,250 --> 00:47:41,333 Now fuck off. 827 00:47:42,916 --> 00:47:44,583 Right. 828 00:47:44,708 --> 00:47:45,666 I'm going. 829 00:47:45,791 --> 00:47:46,541 Right. 830 00:47:47,791 --> 00:47:48,750 I'm serious. 831 00:47:50,041 --> 00:47:52,708 I'll break your fucking nose, do you understand me? 832 00:47:52,833 --> 00:47:54,375 Yeah. 833 00:47:54,500 --> 00:47:55,291 Good. 834 00:47:56,958 --> 00:47:58,916 You cannot beat me. 835 00:47:59,041 --> 00:48:01,916 You'll never fucking beat me, never, 836 00:48:02,041 --> 00:48:06,041 not while you've got a fucking hole in your ass. 837 00:48:12,541 --> 00:48:15,250 -[door rattles] -[slams] 838 00:48:18,666 --> 00:48:19,583 [fist slams] 839 00:48:19,708 --> 00:48:21,833 [Man] Number one, please. 840 00:48:23,333 --> 00:48:26,416 [man muttering] 841 00:48:26,541 --> 00:48:29,833 [distant piano playing] 842 00:48:42,041 --> 00:48:43,083 Colin Pang. 843 00:48:45,958 --> 00:48:46,958 With hound dog. 844 00:48:47,916 --> 00:48:48,916 He dances. 845 00:48:49,041 --> 00:48:50,541 Thank you very much. 846 00:48:50,666 --> 00:48:53,750 [upbeat piano music] 847 00:48:56,541 --> 00:48:58,708 [dog whimpers] 848 00:48:58,833 --> 00:49:01,541 Don't, don't you, don't you leave like she did! 849 00:49:01,666 --> 00:49:03,500 [Man] I'm sorry, I don't think so. 850 00:49:03,625 --> 00:49:05,583 He will dance, he dances in the kitchen. 851 00:49:05,708 --> 00:49:08,333 Well that would only be half the job done, wouldn't it? 852 00:49:08,458 --> 00:49:10,916 I think Elvis should leave the building now. 853 00:49:11,041 --> 00:49:12,416 Number two please. 854 00:49:16,500 --> 00:49:18,458 Hello, what's your name? 855 00:49:18,583 --> 00:49:21,000 [Performer] Eh, Rodney Chitterton. 856 00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:23,750 Boy, that reeks of glamor. 857 00:49:23,875 --> 00:49:26,000 What you gonna do for us then, Rodney? 858 00:49:26,125 --> 00:49:27,916 [Rodney] Just sing a song. 859 00:49:28,041 --> 00:49:29,583 The stage is yours. 860 00:49:29,708 --> 00:49:32,916 [gentle guitar music] 861 00:49:33,958 --> 00:49:37,500 ♪ Sorry I've been away so long 862 00:49:37,625 --> 00:49:42,458 ♪ I needed just a little more time ♪ 863 00:49:42,583 --> 00:49:47,416 ♪ If you stare through the glass from moment to moment ♪ 864 00:49:47,541 --> 00:49:51,291 ♪ It's funny what you find 865 00:49:51,416 --> 00:49:55,791 ♪ We can move our bodies like a twist of smoke ♪ 866 00:49:55,916 --> 00:49:56,708 ♪ Come let us shake like the flame ♪ 867 00:49:56,833 --> 00:49:58,291 Whoa, hold it there. 868 00:50:00,375 --> 00:50:01,833 Lovely. 869 00:50:01,958 --> 00:50:02,916 Get you a change of a name 870 00:50:03,041 --> 00:50:04,833 and a nice girlie to sing with, 871 00:50:04,958 --> 00:50:07,041 I'll have something for you to sign at the end. 872 00:50:07,166 --> 00:50:08,000 Number three. 873 00:50:17,625 --> 00:50:20,541 Hello ello ello, ladies and gentlemen, now then, 874 00:50:20,666 --> 00:50:23,000 has anyone seen a lion around here? 875 00:50:23,125 --> 00:50:25,083 Will you help me call him, would you do that? 876 00:50:25,208 --> 00:50:26,333 That'd be wonderful. 877 00:50:26,458 --> 00:50:27,791 -Leo! -Leo! 878 00:50:27,916 --> 00:50:29,958 Bloody hell, thank you very much, lady. 879 00:50:30,083 --> 00:50:32,500 Right, oh, here he is, here. 880 00:50:36,833 --> 00:50:38,083 Hello Leo. 881 00:50:38,208 --> 00:50:40,541 Hello, hello everybody-- 882 00:50:40,666 --> 00:50:41,750 Thank you. 883 00:50:41,875 --> 00:50:43,500 We haven't even started yet. 884 00:50:43,625 --> 00:50:44,583 Thank you. 885 00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:45,916 Could we at least do a song? 886 00:50:46,041 --> 00:50:47,875 ♪ Born free 887 00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,083 As free as the wind blows-- 888 00:50:50,208 --> 00:50:50,916 Stop! 889 00:50:52,291 --> 00:50:55,958 Not quite what I'm looking for, thank you. 890 00:50:56,083 --> 00:50:56,958 Twat. 891 00:50:58,333 --> 00:50:59,791 What did you say? 892 00:50:59,916 --> 00:51:02,958 Nothing, I didn't say anything. 893 00:51:03,083 --> 00:51:04,375 It were him. 894 00:51:04,500 --> 00:51:06,166 But you are a bastard anyway. 895 00:51:06,291 --> 00:51:09,375 [thumping footsteps] 896 00:51:11,166 --> 00:51:12,125 Number four. 897 00:51:13,583 --> 00:51:15,041 Number five. 898 00:51:15,166 --> 00:51:16,708 Number six. 899 00:51:16,833 --> 00:51:19,625 What am I, a fucking bingo caller? 900 00:51:21,125 --> 00:51:24,333 Number seven, anyone there, number seven? 901 00:51:30,791 --> 00:51:33,791 [walking footsteps] 902 00:51:39,708 --> 00:51:41,750 [clears throat] 903 00:51:41,875 --> 00:51:44,291 [mic humming] 904 00:51:47,791 --> 00:51:50,166 Um. [clears throat] 905 00:51:50,291 --> 00:51:51,041 Ready. 906 00:51:54,666 --> 00:51:57,375 Off you go, love, people waiting. 907 00:52:02,208 --> 00:52:03,958 I haven't got the time, actually, 908 00:52:04,083 --> 00:52:07,333 so would you mind shitting or getting off the pot, please? 909 00:52:11,125 --> 00:52:14,333 [muttering nervously] 910 00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:18,000 We're ready. 911 00:52:24,125 --> 00:52:25,291 Off you go. [clapping hands] 912 00:52:25,416 --> 00:52:27,750 Come on, people waiting. 913 00:52:27,875 --> 00:52:31,416 [muttering nervously] 914 00:52:31,541 --> 00:52:34,666 So the other day, I went into this laundry shop 915 00:52:34,791 --> 00:52:37,208 and [whimpering] I said to a woman there, 916 00:52:37,333 --> 00:52:39,583 [whimpering] "Excuse me, I'd like to try them knickers on, 917 00:52:39,708 --> 00:52:41,375 "in your window." 918 00:52:41,500 --> 00:52:42,458 She laughed, she said, "you'll have to go in the bloody 919 00:52:42,583 --> 00:52:43,958 "Queue like everybody else." 920 00:52:44,083 --> 00:52:45,750 My fathers got a right good job, he has, 921 00:52:45,875 --> 00:52:48,333 he's got 500 men under him, he's working in his garage 922 00:52:48,458 --> 00:52:51,333 -oh sorry. -Jokes, is it? 923 00:52:51,458 --> 00:52:54,458 [sniffling] Yeah. 924 00:52:55,541 --> 00:52:57,125 Do you like jokes? 925 00:52:57,250 --> 00:53:00,625 They're all right, if you like laughing. 926 00:53:01,833 --> 00:53:03,291 Did you hear the one about the dyslexic 927 00:53:03,416 --> 00:53:07,375 Satan worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa. 928 00:53:09,333 --> 00:53:12,208 [gentle, slow music] 929 00:53:28,208 --> 00:53:31,625 [distant siren wailing] 930 00:53:40,250 --> 00:53:43,083 [keys rattling] 931 00:53:51,500 --> 00:53:53,125 [door thumps shut] 932 00:54:10,916 --> 00:54:12,208 [keys clatter] 933 00:54:17,416 --> 00:54:18,166 Stupid. 934 00:54:19,833 --> 00:54:21,083 [Funny Cow grunts] 935 00:54:21,208 --> 00:54:22,750 I told you, didn't I? 936 00:54:22,875 --> 00:54:27,166 I fucking told ya, I told ya what'd happen, eh?! 937 00:54:27,291 --> 00:54:30,166 [labored breathing] 938 00:54:32,750 --> 00:54:35,333 [Funny Cow] I won't swallow it. 939 00:54:35,458 --> 00:54:36,375 What? 940 00:54:36,500 --> 00:54:38,666 [Funny Cow] This, anymore. 941 00:54:39,958 --> 00:54:42,208 What are you talking about, you silly twat? 942 00:54:42,333 --> 00:54:45,500 [Funny Cow] [grunting] It's over, Bob, no more. 943 00:54:45,625 --> 00:54:48,583 Get in there and get me something to fucking eat! 944 00:54:48,708 --> 00:54:49,500 No! 945 00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:53,750 [Bob] Right, well you're not fucking going anywhere. 946 00:54:53,875 --> 00:54:56,958 [Funny Cow laughing] 947 00:54:59,541 --> 00:55:03,208 You think its, [laughing] 948 00:55:04,333 --> 00:55:07,208 I know who I am. [laughing] 949 00:55:07,333 --> 00:55:08,625 Listen to me. 950 00:55:08,750 --> 00:55:09,541 -Listen to me! -[Funny Cow laughing] 951 00:55:09,666 --> 00:55:11,333 Listen to me! 952 00:55:11,458 --> 00:55:15,625 I'm telling ya, you've got fucking nothing to come! 953 00:55:15,750 --> 00:55:18,166 -Listen! -[Funny Cow laughing] 954 00:55:24,416 --> 00:55:27,458 [TV playing] 955 00:55:27,583 --> 00:55:29,875 [groans] Oh God. 956 00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:32,000 [sighs] 957 00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:38,250 [coughing] 958 00:55:40,458 --> 00:55:42,250 [sighs] 959 00:55:45,250 --> 00:55:47,041 [chuckles] 960 00:55:47,166 --> 00:55:50,125 [labored breathing] 961 00:55:51,375 --> 00:55:54,083 [gentle music] 962 00:55:59,916 --> 00:56:04,916 ♪ Love me 963 00:56:06,375 --> 00:56:11,250 ♪ Just a little bit more 964 00:56:15,208 --> 00:56:20,208 ♪ Yeah and love me 965 00:56:22,125 --> 00:56:25,291 ♪ Like you did before 966 00:56:33,041 --> 00:56:37,708 ♪ I'm not asking you to buy me the moon ♪ 967 00:56:37,833 --> 00:56:40,791 -[register clanks] -That's yours. 968 00:56:40,916 --> 00:56:42,666 -♪ I just want you -Thank you very much, 969 00:56:42,791 --> 00:56:44,208 enjoy the book. 970 00:56:44,333 --> 00:56:48,000 ♪ Come back soon and love me 971 00:56:50,458 --> 00:56:51,291 Right then. 972 00:56:52,333 --> 00:56:53,291 Hello. 973 00:56:55,375 --> 00:56:56,541 Right then what? 974 00:57:00,916 --> 00:57:03,000 You can start rescuing. 975 00:57:06,708 --> 00:57:08,833 What's happened? 976 00:57:08,958 --> 00:57:10,791 I'm here now. 977 00:57:10,916 --> 00:57:12,333 I'm here with you. 978 00:57:13,750 --> 00:57:16,333 I've come to share the tragedy. 979 00:57:18,666 --> 00:57:19,666 All right. 980 00:57:21,916 --> 00:57:23,208 Oh well that's, 981 00:57:26,958 --> 00:57:28,333 that's wonderful. 982 00:57:30,958 --> 00:57:32,708 It's really wonderful. 983 00:57:47,250 --> 00:57:50,166 [relaxed breathing] 984 00:57:53,416 --> 00:57:56,791 Fucking hell. [giggles] 985 00:58:04,291 --> 00:58:07,375 [gentle, slow music] 986 00:58:14,500 --> 00:58:15,375 Fucking hell. 987 00:58:20,583 --> 00:58:21,750 Fucking hell. 988 00:58:21,875 --> 00:58:25,000 [gentle opera music] 989 00:58:28,083 --> 00:58:31,625 Fuck me. [laughing] 990 00:58:31,750 --> 00:58:34,750 Fucking hell, two fucking bathrooms? 991 00:58:36,291 --> 00:58:38,500 [laughing] 992 00:58:38,625 --> 00:58:41,666 [gentle opera music] 993 00:58:50,583 --> 00:58:51,458 Fucking hell. 994 00:58:51,583 --> 00:58:54,708 [gentle opera music] 995 00:58:58,291 --> 00:59:00,375 -[typewriter clicking] -Fucking hell. 996 00:59:00,500 --> 00:59:03,791 -[giggling] -[gentle opera music] 997 00:59:03,916 --> 00:59:06,916 [dishes clattering] 998 00:59:11,166 --> 00:59:12,250 Cup of tea? 999 00:59:13,583 --> 00:59:17,041 Fucking hell. [giggling] 1000 00:59:17,166 --> 00:59:22,166 -[gentle opera music] -[walking footsteps] 1001 00:59:30,708 --> 00:59:32,291 [knocking] 1002 00:59:37,708 --> 00:59:40,416 [door rattling] 1003 00:59:40,541 --> 00:59:43,458 [gentle opera music] 1004 01:00:06,708 --> 01:00:07,916 I've left him. 1005 01:00:08,833 --> 01:00:09,625 Oh aye? 1006 01:00:13,291 --> 01:00:14,500 Leaving prison? 1007 01:00:16,291 --> 01:00:17,708 Something to remind me. 1008 01:00:17,833 --> 01:00:18,625 Aye. 1009 01:00:24,625 --> 01:00:27,458 Can't go on living a lie. 1010 01:00:27,583 --> 01:00:28,500 Can't you? 1011 01:00:30,083 --> 01:00:31,083 It's a pity. 1012 01:00:32,333 --> 01:00:34,083 -[liquid trickling] -You think I should, 1013 01:00:34,208 --> 01:00:35,000 don't ya? 1014 01:00:37,125 --> 01:00:39,500 It's not weak to leave, mom. 1015 01:00:41,583 --> 01:00:43,750 It's weak to stay. 1016 01:00:43,875 --> 01:00:44,666 Is it? 1017 01:00:48,541 --> 01:00:51,541 [dramatic opera music] 1018 01:01:15,875 --> 01:01:19,375 I went to see a counselor, a therapist, 1019 01:01:21,416 --> 01:01:25,250 and he said, "You need to learn 1020 01:01:25,375 --> 01:01:29,875 "to cultivate a more fatalistic approach to life, 1021 01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:32,666 "learn that it's better just to let life happen." 1022 01:01:35,083 --> 01:01:37,875 I wanted to smack him in the face. 1023 01:01:39,708 --> 01:01:42,875 Be somebody else, is that what he meant? 1024 01:01:44,166 --> 01:01:45,583 How can I do that? 1025 01:01:48,750 --> 01:01:50,166 So that is it, it's 1026 01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:54,083 it's that or face the madness? 1027 01:01:55,208 --> 01:01:57,583 The monster behind the eyes. 1028 01:01:58,666 --> 01:02:01,708 And this therapist, he gave me tablets, 1029 01:02:01,833 --> 01:02:03,416 to hold me together, 1030 01:02:04,625 --> 01:02:07,041 give me level playing field, 1031 01:02:08,250 --> 01:02:10,500 give me a chance, he said. 1032 01:02:13,208 --> 01:02:18,208 But then you just cut adrift with a trail of tablets 1033 01:02:19,375 --> 01:02:21,750 to get you back and well, that's too scary. 1034 01:02:24,291 --> 01:02:28,750 You can't hold onto tablets when you're drowning. 1035 01:02:28,875 --> 01:02:29,625 Too small. 1036 01:02:32,333 --> 01:02:35,541 [gentle, opera music] 1037 01:03:00,916 --> 01:03:04,041 You meet different people, don't you? 1038 01:03:05,250 --> 01:03:08,083 Educated people, articulate people. 1039 01:03:08,208 --> 01:03:11,708 [lighter clicking] 1040 01:03:11,833 --> 01:03:13,041 And you think, 1041 01:03:14,541 --> 01:03:18,291 I'm one of them, oh thank God, I'm one of them. 1042 01:03:19,208 --> 01:03:20,791 And then one day, 1043 01:03:20,916 --> 01:03:24,708 hits you over the back of the head like a hammer. 1044 01:03:24,833 --> 01:03:27,708 You don't belong with them either 1045 01:03:27,833 --> 01:03:29,416 because they're so wrapped up in themselves, 1046 01:03:29,541 --> 01:03:32,208 they can't feel anything 1047 01:03:32,333 --> 01:03:35,125 and they're scared and judgemental 1048 01:03:36,333 --> 01:03:38,166 and too busy trying to insulate themselves 1049 01:03:38,291 --> 01:03:39,916 against the cold winds that are gonna topple them 1050 01:03:40,041 --> 01:03:41,666 and it don't matter how high or they hold their head, 1051 01:03:41,791 --> 01:03:45,291 they're still gonna get a whiff of the shit that they're in. 1052 01:03:45,416 --> 01:03:46,666 You end up becoming the person 1053 01:03:46,791 --> 01:03:49,791 you're pretending to be, don't ya? 1054 01:03:49,916 --> 01:03:51,000 Invent yourself. 1055 01:03:53,625 --> 01:03:56,416 It always felt like a film to me, 1056 01:03:56,541 --> 01:04:00,291 like I'm playing meself in a film, you know. 1057 01:04:00,416 --> 01:04:02,166 There's a big party, many standing on the side, 1058 01:04:02,291 --> 01:04:05,291 you know, watching you perform. 1059 01:04:05,416 --> 01:04:08,250 Oh and I've always been writing me autobiography. 1060 01:04:08,375 --> 01:04:12,333 Hm, you know and if the story didn't fit all right, 1061 01:04:12,458 --> 01:04:16,333 I didn't like the version of meself, well then, 1062 01:04:17,416 --> 01:04:18,708 I'd spit it out. 1063 01:04:21,833 --> 01:04:23,041 Or swallow it. 1064 01:04:24,458 --> 01:04:27,875 [gentle opera music] 1065 01:04:28,000 --> 01:04:30,708 [doorbell rings] 1066 01:04:32,833 --> 01:04:35,083 [walking footsteps] 1067 01:04:35,208 --> 01:04:37,750 [door rattles] 1068 01:04:40,916 --> 01:04:42,041 Hello? 1069 01:04:42,166 --> 01:04:45,250 [gentle opera music] 1070 01:04:54,458 --> 01:04:55,958 [door clatters] 1071 01:04:56,083 --> 01:04:59,166 [gentle opera music] 1072 01:05:18,458 --> 01:05:19,625 [Funny Cow screams playfully] 1073 01:05:19,750 --> 01:05:22,000 -Jesus! -[Funny Cow laughing] 1074 01:05:22,125 --> 01:05:25,666 You frightened the bloody life out of me! 1075 01:05:26,875 --> 01:05:29,750 Christ, haven't you got anything better to do? 1076 01:05:29,875 --> 01:05:32,083 Not that I can think of. 1077 01:05:32,208 --> 01:05:33,958 Oh Angus. 1078 01:05:34,083 --> 01:05:37,500 [laughing] There's a terrible smell of brown ale in here. 1079 01:05:37,625 --> 01:05:40,208 [laughing] 1080 01:05:40,333 --> 01:05:41,333 S'cuse me. 1081 01:05:42,750 --> 01:05:45,791 Fart ass. [laughing] 1082 01:05:49,208 --> 01:05:51,166 [Angus] Happy? 1083 01:05:51,291 --> 01:05:52,750 You what? 1084 01:05:52,875 --> 01:05:55,708 [Angus] Are you happy? 1085 01:05:55,833 --> 01:05:56,833 Delirious. 1086 01:05:58,000 --> 01:06:01,125 [Angus] You know what I meant. 1087 01:06:01,250 --> 01:06:02,875 No I don't. 1088 01:06:03,000 --> 01:06:04,458 It's a simple enough question. 1089 01:06:04,583 --> 01:06:08,583 [chuckles] It isn't though, is it? 1090 01:06:08,708 --> 01:06:10,916 Happiness comes and goes. 1091 01:06:11,041 --> 01:06:15,041 [sighs] I can't walk around grinning like a Cheshire Cat, 1092 01:06:15,166 --> 01:06:17,041 I'm just not like that. 1093 01:06:18,958 --> 01:06:20,541 Know what I think? 1094 01:06:20,666 --> 01:06:23,125 [Funny Cow] [chuckles] What? 1095 01:06:26,500 --> 01:06:28,333 I think we should have children. 1096 01:06:28,458 --> 01:06:30,958 Why, are you pregnant? 1097 01:06:31,083 --> 01:06:33,250 Can you imagine our child? 1098 01:06:35,375 --> 01:06:37,958 You'd be an amazing mother. 1099 01:06:38,083 --> 01:06:39,250 Are you mad? 1100 01:06:39,375 --> 01:06:40,833 [Angus] No, you would. 1101 01:06:40,958 --> 01:06:43,625 You really would, it'd be the making of you. 1102 01:06:43,750 --> 01:06:45,958 You'd take to it like a duck to water. 1103 01:06:46,083 --> 01:06:47,208 [Funny Cow] No. 1104 01:06:47,333 --> 01:06:48,708 You don't have to answer now. 1105 01:06:48,833 --> 01:06:51,375 I don't want children. 1106 01:06:51,500 --> 01:06:52,208 I don't. 1107 01:06:52,333 --> 01:06:53,291 Can't say that. 1108 01:06:53,416 --> 01:06:54,833 I can't, all right, 1109 01:06:54,958 --> 01:06:56,916 so now you're telling me what I can't say? 1110 01:06:57,041 --> 01:07:00,333 All I meant, never say never. 1111 01:07:00,458 --> 01:07:03,875 All right, that's all I meant by that. 1112 01:07:04,000 --> 01:07:06,708 You'll change your mind, you'll see. 1113 01:07:06,833 --> 01:07:08,125 I won't though. 1114 01:07:09,958 --> 01:07:12,208 I've already had an abortion. 1115 01:07:13,208 --> 01:07:14,291 What? 1116 01:07:14,416 --> 01:07:15,416 You heard. 1117 01:07:17,041 --> 01:07:17,833 Bob's. 1118 01:07:21,458 --> 01:07:22,291 Well, 1119 01:07:24,000 --> 01:07:26,375 you weren't meant to be with him anyway, were you? 1120 01:07:30,708 --> 01:07:31,916 It's all right. 1121 01:07:32,958 --> 01:07:36,000 It's not a problem, I'm all right with it. 1122 01:07:36,125 --> 01:07:38,958 Thank you, that's very big of ya. 1123 01:07:44,291 --> 01:07:45,708 Are you sulking? 1124 01:07:45,833 --> 01:07:47,041 [Angus] No. 1125 01:07:47,166 --> 01:07:51,083 [sighs] I'm just being honest. 1126 01:07:51,208 --> 01:07:53,916 That's what you want from me, isn't it, honesty? 1127 01:07:56,708 --> 01:07:59,000 I can't have children, Angus. 1128 01:08:00,458 --> 01:08:02,000 Not physically, 1129 01:08:02,125 --> 01:08:03,208 not mentally. 1130 01:08:04,625 --> 01:08:07,041 I shouldn't be allowed to have children. 1131 01:08:07,166 --> 01:08:08,916 Somebody needs to break the circle. 1132 01:08:09,041 --> 01:08:10,500 What circle? 1133 01:08:10,625 --> 01:08:13,291 Monkey see, monkey do and I do and I would. 1134 01:08:13,416 --> 01:08:15,500 So I won't have children. 1135 01:08:16,958 --> 01:08:18,125 So now you know. 1136 01:08:21,083 --> 01:08:22,083 All right. 1137 01:08:23,125 --> 01:08:24,958 We'll see, won't we? 1138 01:08:29,458 --> 01:08:34,458 -[distant train humming] -[people talking] 1139 01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:45,833 [knocking] 1140 01:08:45,958 --> 01:08:47,208 What's wrong? 1141 01:08:47,333 --> 01:08:49,625 Just feeling a bit rough. 1142 01:08:49,750 --> 01:08:50,791 Rough? 1143 01:08:50,916 --> 01:08:52,958 You look terrible, 1144 01:08:53,083 --> 01:08:54,583 what's wrong? 1145 01:08:54,708 --> 01:08:56,916 I aren't a doctor, am I? 1146 01:08:57,833 --> 01:09:00,333 [door clatters] 1147 01:09:00,458 --> 01:09:02,166 Where does it hurt? 1148 01:09:02,291 --> 01:09:07,000 Sheffield, Leeds, Barnsley, it bloody kills in Barnsley. 1149 01:09:08,333 --> 01:09:09,166 Oh. [grunts] 1150 01:09:09,291 --> 01:09:11,125 Should I get someone? 1151 01:09:11,250 --> 01:09:13,833 Yeah, get Rachel Welch. 1152 01:09:13,958 --> 01:09:16,916 Tell her I need mouth to mouth or a cock rub, 1153 01:09:17,041 --> 01:09:18,000 either'll do. 1154 01:09:18,125 --> 01:09:18,916 Stop it. 1155 01:09:20,041 --> 01:09:23,083 [Lenny sighs] 1156 01:09:23,208 --> 01:09:26,583 [Lenny groans] 1157 01:09:26,708 --> 01:09:30,625 Just got here, I'm on in an hour and a half. 1158 01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:31,958 Well you can't. 1159 01:09:32,083 --> 01:09:34,000 I've got to, be right. 1160 01:09:35,500 --> 01:09:37,291 Yeah, well let's get you inside. 1161 01:09:37,416 --> 01:09:39,083 -[Lenny groans] -Come on. 1162 01:09:41,750 --> 01:09:43,791 [Lenny groaning] 1163 01:09:43,916 --> 01:09:45,750 Watch your head. 1164 01:09:45,875 --> 01:09:50,750 -[Lenny groaning] -[gentle music] 1165 01:09:52,583 --> 01:09:54,708 -[door thumps] -Lenny, 1166 01:09:54,833 --> 01:09:56,041 there you are. 1167 01:09:57,208 --> 01:09:58,416 [lighter clicks] 1168 01:10:01,291 --> 01:10:02,750 You all right, lad? 1169 01:10:04,541 --> 01:10:06,958 [Lenny] I can't go on, Danny. 1170 01:10:07,083 --> 01:10:08,375 You can't go on? 1171 01:10:08,500 --> 01:10:09,958 What on earth are you talking about? 1172 01:10:10,083 --> 01:10:11,958 Hey you have to go on, I confirmed you last week. 1173 01:10:12,083 --> 01:10:12,750 Course you can go on. 1174 01:10:12,875 --> 01:10:14,458 He's poorly. 1175 01:10:14,583 --> 01:10:16,958 Come on, shit, shower, shampoo, you know the rest. 1176 01:10:17,083 --> 01:10:18,791 No, I'm finished. 1177 01:10:19,958 --> 01:10:22,041 [sighs] Not just tonight. 1178 01:10:22,166 --> 01:10:23,041 Full stop. 1179 01:10:24,333 --> 01:10:27,208 I'm packing it in, Danny, I've had enough. 1180 01:10:27,333 --> 01:10:29,083 Look look, do this spot tonight-- 1181 01:10:29,208 --> 01:10:30,041 No, I'm done. 1182 01:10:30,166 --> 01:10:31,541 Do this spot tonight 1183 01:10:31,666 --> 01:10:33,125 and then come and see me in the office tomorrow, 1184 01:10:33,250 --> 01:10:35,125 -we'll have a chat-- -Will you be said? 1185 01:10:35,250 --> 01:10:36,041 No more. 1186 01:10:37,500 --> 01:10:40,458 Right, so what do I tell to Consack then? 1187 01:10:40,583 --> 01:10:42,791 Tell him you don't feel like it? 1188 01:10:42,916 --> 01:10:44,500 See, I've got a reputation. 1189 01:10:44,625 --> 01:10:46,750 Years to build, seconds to lose, 1190 01:10:46,875 --> 01:10:48,750 I don't think I'm gonna be able to find a replacement 1191 01:10:48,875 --> 01:10:51,125 this time, Saturday, so you'll just have to go on. 1192 01:10:51,250 --> 01:10:53,041 You don't need no one. 1193 01:10:53,166 --> 01:10:55,833 Put this one on, she'll not let you down. 1194 01:10:55,958 --> 01:10:57,416 Lenny, they're expecting a comic, 1195 01:10:57,541 --> 01:10:59,625 not a singer or whatever it is. 1196 01:10:59,750 --> 01:11:01,125 She is a comic. 1197 01:11:01,250 --> 01:11:02,250 -I don't think so-- -I am, I am, 1198 01:11:02,375 --> 01:11:04,291 that's what I am, I'm a comic. 1199 01:11:04,416 --> 01:11:08,875 Listen love, that lot out there will tear you to pieces. 1200 01:11:09,000 --> 01:11:10,625 Hon, they'll sniff you and dig you out 1201 01:11:10,750 --> 01:11:13,125 as soon as you open your mouth, possibly even before. 1202 01:11:13,250 --> 01:11:14,416 Well I'll conquer 'em with love. 1203 01:11:14,541 --> 01:11:15,625 Oh love? 1204 01:11:15,750 --> 01:11:17,500 Well good luck with that. 1205 01:11:17,625 --> 01:11:19,041 She can do it. 1206 01:11:19,166 --> 01:11:21,250 She's a funny cow. 1207 01:11:21,375 --> 01:11:22,583 Like he said, 1208 01:11:22,708 --> 01:11:25,166 you won't find anyone else. 1209 01:11:25,291 --> 01:11:27,083 I'll do it for nowt. 1210 01:11:28,708 --> 01:11:30,333 [Danny sighs] 1211 01:11:30,458 --> 01:11:34,333 Right, you do 10 minutes. 1212 01:11:34,458 --> 01:11:37,333 I'll speak with the concert. 1213 01:11:37,458 --> 01:11:38,958 Don't fuck it up. 1214 01:11:46,166 --> 01:11:49,208 Shit. [chuckles] 1215 01:11:49,333 --> 01:11:53,291 ♪ I wouldn't want to 1216 01:11:53,416 --> 01:11:57,083 ♪ Lower the tone 1217 01:11:57,208 --> 01:12:01,416 ♪ But you know there's still a little ♪ 1218 01:12:01,541 --> 01:12:04,083 ♪ Spare meat on the bone 1219 01:12:04,208 --> 01:12:09,208 ♪ Oh I still want you 1220 01:12:13,250 --> 01:12:18,250 ♪ Oh I still want you 1221 01:12:21,541 --> 01:12:26,541 ♪ Oh I still want you 1222 01:12:30,416 --> 01:12:34,541 ♪ Until the sun goes cold 1223 01:12:34,666 --> 01:12:39,666 ♪ No need to breath all alone 1224 01:12:40,375 --> 01:12:43,208 ♪ Oh I still want you 1225 01:12:51,375 --> 01:12:56,208 -[audience cheering] -[applauding] 1226 01:13:01,541 --> 01:13:03,791 Bloody marvelous, did you enjoy that? 1227 01:13:03,916 --> 01:13:05,208 [audience affirming] 1228 01:13:05,333 --> 01:13:07,125 Marvelous, now then, 1229 01:13:07,250 --> 01:13:10,416 let's have a big Crook Club welcome for your next turn, 1230 01:13:10,541 --> 01:13:13,875 put your hands together for the Funny Cow. 1231 01:13:14,000 --> 01:13:19,000 -[audience cheering] -[applauding] 1232 01:13:27,500 --> 01:13:30,208 Thank you, thank you very much. 1233 01:13:30,333 --> 01:13:33,458 I love a a warm hand on me entrance. 1234 01:13:33,583 --> 01:13:35,708 Anyway, [clears throat] I was sat home the other day 1235 01:13:35,833 --> 01:13:37,458 and there was a knock at the door. 1236 01:13:37,583 --> 01:13:38,833 So I get up and I go to the door 1237 01:13:38,958 --> 01:13:40,666 and there's a fellow standing there 1238 01:13:40,791 --> 01:13:44,250 and he says, "Hello love, do you believe in free speech?" 1239 01:13:44,375 --> 01:13:45,708 I says, "Yes, I do." 1240 01:13:45,833 --> 01:13:46,791 He says, "Great, can I use your phone?" 1241 01:13:46,916 --> 01:13:47,708 [Heckler] Can I use your phone? 1242 01:13:47,833 --> 01:13:50,625 [audience chuckling] 1243 01:13:54,125 --> 01:13:56,708 [clears throat] 1244 01:13:59,458 --> 01:14:01,958 [sighs] 1245 01:14:02,083 --> 01:14:03,208 You've ruined me act. 1246 01:14:03,333 --> 01:14:04,041 [Heckler] What act? 1247 01:14:04,166 --> 01:14:05,208 You're shit! 1248 01:14:05,333 --> 01:14:07,333 Oh no no, you've ruined it. 1249 01:14:07,458 --> 01:14:09,125 I was just gonna do an impression of a cunt 1250 01:14:09,250 --> 01:14:10,208 and you beat me to it. 1251 01:14:10,333 --> 01:14:12,083 [audience laughing] 1252 01:14:12,208 --> 01:14:15,458 [audience applauding] 1253 01:14:15,583 --> 01:14:18,166 -Get your tits out! -[Funny Cow laughing] 1254 01:14:18,291 --> 01:14:22,250 If your cock was as big as your mouth, I'd think about it. 1255 01:14:22,375 --> 01:14:24,666 Oh, oh, by the way, by the way, excuse me, 1256 01:14:24,791 --> 01:14:28,500 what do you call a woman who likes small cocks? 1257 01:14:28,625 --> 01:14:31,458 [whispers] What's your name, love? 1258 01:14:31,583 --> 01:14:34,208 Janet! [laughing] 1259 01:14:34,333 --> 01:14:35,291 She's heard it! 1260 01:14:35,416 --> 01:14:37,958 [audience clapping] 1261 01:14:38,083 --> 01:14:40,250 Anyway, right, there were these three blokes, 1262 01:14:40,375 --> 01:14:43,708 sat in a pub, all sat at separate tables, having a pint, 1263 01:14:43,833 --> 01:14:45,916 they're a puff, they're a Paki 1264 01:14:46,041 --> 01:14:47,791 and there was this English bloke, 1265 01:14:47,916 --> 01:14:51,125 out of nowhere appears this fairy godmother. 1266 01:14:51,250 --> 01:14:54,708 She says, "I've come to grant you one wish, 1267 01:14:55,875 --> 01:14:57,958 "all of ya, one wish each. 1268 01:14:58,083 --> 01:15:01,458 "Whatever you want, your wish is my command." 1269 01:15:01,583 --> 01:15:03,333 So she goes back to Paki and she says, 1270 01:15:03,458 --> 01:15:06,708 "So, sunshine, what would you like?" 1271 01:15:06,833 --> 01:15:09,291 And he thinks about it for a second and he says, 1272 01:15:09,416 --> 01:15:11,250 "You know what I am thinking, 1273 01:15:11,375 --> 01:15:13,916 "I would like to take all my friends 1274 01:15:14,041 --> 01:15:16,750 "and all my family and all my people," 1275 01:15:16,875 --> 01:15:19,375 -he's a Welsh Paki by the way, -[audience laughs] 1276 01:15:19,500 --> 01:15:22,916 he says, "and I'd like to take them back all to Pakistan 1277 01:15:23,041 --> 01:15:25,416 "where we can live happy ever after 1278 01:15:25,541 --> 01:15:27,958 "with no bother, no racism." 1279 01:15:28,083 --> 01:15:30,041 So she says, "Great, right, there you go, 1280 01:15:30,166 --> 01:15:32,250 "there is your wish granted." 1281 01:15:32,375 --> 01:15:33,750 Anyway, she turns to the puff and she says, 1282 01:15:33,875 --> 01:15:35,250 "Hello sweetheart, what would you like?" 1283 01:15:35,375 --> 01:15:38,166 He says, "Well actually, you know what I'd like?" 1284 01:15:38,291 --> 01:15:41,916 He says, "I'd like me and all my bum chums 1285 01:15:42,041 --> 01:15:43,833 "to go and live on a big island 1286 01:15:43,958 --> 01:15:45,875 "in the middle of the Pacific Ocean 1287 01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:50,583 "where we can live free and happy and no one to bother us." 1288 01:15:50,708 --> 01:15:53,416 She says, "All right, your wish granted." 1289 01:15:53,541 --> 01:15:56,750 Anyway, English fellow sat there, just finished off his pint 1290 01:15:56,875 --> 01:15:59,791 and she says, "All right, sunshine, what would you like?" 1291 01:15:59,916 --> 01:16:01,375 And he sits and he looks at her, he says, 1292 01:16:01,500 --> 01:16:04,250 "Eh, can you just run those past me again?" 1293 01:16:04,375 --> 01:16:06,000 She says, "Yeah." 1294 01:16:06,125 --> 01:16:07,708 He says, "So, Paki, he wants to go back to Pakistan 1295 01:16:07,833 --> 01:16:09,416 "with all his family and friends and all his kind." 1296 01:16:09,541 --> 01:16:11,250 "Yeah," she says. 1297 01:16:11,375 --> 01:16:12,958 He says, "And puff, he wants to go and live on an island 1298 01:16:13,083 --> 01:16:14,750 "in the middle of the Pacific 1299 01:16:14,875 --> 01:16:17,291 "and bum himself into oblivion with all his bum chums?" 1300 01:16:17,416 --> 01:16:18,958 She says, "Yes." 1301 01:16:19,083 --> 01:16:21,583 So he sits, he stares into his pint and he says, 1302 01:16:21,708 --> 01:16:23,583 "You know what, I'll just have another pint." 1303 01:16:23,708 --> 01:16:28,083 -[audience laughing] -[applauding] 1304 01:16:28,208 --> 01:16:29,875 [Heckler] Get off, splitter! 1305 01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,375 Hey no, I'm getting 50 quid to make a twat of meself, 1306 01:16:32,500 --> 01:16:33,541 what are you getting? 1307 01:16:33,666 --> 01:16:36,916 [audience laughs] 1308 01:16:37,041 --> 01:16:39,208 Oh wait, me mother rang the other night. 1309 01:16:39,333 --> 01:16:42,083 Oh, she were distraught, she were awful. 1310 01:16:42,208 --> 01:16:43,208 I says, "You all right?" 1311 01:16:43,333 --> 01:16:44,333 She says, "No love, I'm not." 1312 01:16:44,458 --> 01:16:45,500 I says, "What's the matter?" 1313 01:16:45,625 --> 01:16:47,500 She says, "It's your father." 1314 01:16:47,625 --> 01:16:50,000 She says, "I've just come back from doctors 1315 01:16:50,125 --> 01:16:54,958 "and he's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and V.D." 1316 01:16:55,083 --> 01:16:56,375 I says, "Oh." 1317 01:16:56,500 --> 01:16:58,750 She says, "Yes, the worst thing is, 1318 01:16:58,875 --> 01:17:02,500 "I've left back door open and he's disappeared. 1319 01:17:02,625 --> 01:17:03,875 I says, "Well mother, if he comes back, 1320 01:17:04,000 --> 01:17:06,041 "whatever you do, don't fuck him." 1321 01:17:06,166 --> 01:17:07,750 I'll fuck you! 1322 01:17:07,875 --> 01:17:09,750 [Man] Sit down. 1323 01:17:09,875 --> 01:17:13,958 You couldn't fuck your way out of a paper bag sunshine. 1324 01:17:14,083 --> 01:17:17,083 [audience laughing] 1325 01:17:18,583 --> 01:17:19,833 [Heckler] I'm gonna get home 1326 01:17:19,958 --> 01:17:22,166 and get some fucking help from you! 1327 01:17:22,291 --> 01:17:27,291 Why don't you shut your mouth, you big, ugly, boring cunt. 1328 01:17:28,125 --> 01:17:31,166 [audience laughing] 1329 01:17:31,291 --> 01:17:34,208 You're so ugly, when you were born, 1330 01:17:34,333 --> 01:17:36,916 midwife slapped your mother. 1331 01:17:37,041 --> 01:17:38,875 You're so boring, when you're wanking, 1332 01:17:39,000 --> 01:17:41,208 your wrists fall asleep. 1333 01:17:41,333 --> 01:17:42,458 Yeah, fuck off! 1334 01:17:42,583 --> 01:17:44,916 [crowd yelling chaotically] 1335 01:17:45,041 --> 01:17:47,708 Hey hey now, oh, what's the difference 1336 01:17:47,833 --> 01:17:49,958 between jam and marmalade? 1337 01:17:51,166 --> 01:17:53,166 You can't marmalade your cock up a bird's ass. 1338 01:17:53,291 --> 01:17:55,750 [audience laughing] 1339 01:17:55,875 --> 01:17:58,500 [door squeaks] 1340 01:18:01,541 --> 01:18:06,541 -[chain rattles] -[toilet gurgling] 1341 01:18:14,958 --> 01:18:18,541 [distant audience laughing] 1342 01:18:33,541 --> 01:18:37,208 Confucius say, "Man who drop what's in toilet 1343 01:18:37,333 --> 01:18:38,875 "have shitty time." 1344 01:18:39,000 --> 01:18:42,541 [distant audience laughing] 1345 01:18:44,541 --> 01:18:47,125 Hello incontinence help line? 1346 01:18:47,250 --> 01:18:48,291 Can you hold? 1347 01:18:48,416 --> 01:18:51,875 [distant audience laughing] 1348 01:19:01,250 --> 01:19:03,541 [grunting] 1349 01:19:08,458 --> 01:19:12,208 How many animals can you fit on a toilet? 1350 01:19:12,333 --> 01:19:14,833 One pussy and a thousand hares. 1351 01:19:21,791 --> 01:19:26,625 Give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for a day, 1352 01:19:26,750 --> 01:19:30,458 give a man hope and he'll starve to death, 1353 01:19:30,583 --> 01:19:31,958 hoping for a fish. 1354 01:19:35,916 --> 01:19:37,583 Take my life, please. 1355 01:19:40,083 --> 01:19:45,083 -[body clattering] -[gasping] 1356 01:19:54,041 --> 01:19:57,916 -[distant audience laughing] -[applauding] 1357 01:19:58,041 --> 01:19:59,500 Hey now, have any of you read any 1358 01:19:59,625 --> 01:20:01,750 of them lonely hearts adverts in the paper? 1359 01:20:01,875 --> 01:20:03,500 Lying bastards, aren't they? 1360 01:20:03,625 --> 01:20:05,750 Eh, lying bastards. 1361 01:20:05,875 --> 01:20:08,708 Ya can't believe a word they say. 1362 01:20:08,833 --> 01:20:10,625 Honestly, adventurous? 1363 01:20:12,208 --> 01:20:13,791 That means I like anal. 1364 01:20:13,916 --> 01:20:16,041 [audience laughing] 1365 01:20:16,166 --> 01:20:17,541 Intelligent, 1366 01:20:17,666 --> 01:20:18,666 smelly fanny. 1367 01:20:18,791 --> 01:20:21,791 [audience laughing] 1368 01:20:22,833 --> 01:20:23,958 Curvy, 1369 01:20:24,083 --> 01:20:25,750 -fat twat. -[audience laughs] 1370 01:20:25,875 --> 01:20:27,166 Cuddly, 1371 01:20:27,291 --> 01:20:29,375 -fatter twat. -[audience laughs] 1372 01:20:29,500 --> 01:20:31,250 Likes eating out, 1373 01:20:31,375 --> 01:20:33,666 -lazy fat twat. -[audience laughs] 1374 01:20:33,791 --> 01:20:38,041 -[applauding] -[cheering] 1375 01:20:38,166 --> 01:20:40,125 How was the wonderful Funny Cow? 1376 01:20:40,250 --> 01:20:42,708 Let's give it up for Funny Cow! 1377 01:20:42,833 --> 01:20:45,541 I mean it, I'll get you double, there is money. 1378 01:20:45,666 --> 01:20:47,708 I'll keep you busy five nights a week. 1379 01:20:47,833 --> 01:20:50,000 You sign with me, I'll take you all the way. 1380 01:20:50,125 --> 01:20:51,083 Where to? 1381 01:20:51,208 --> 01:20:52,541 Where to? 1382 01:20:52,666 --> 01:20:54,583 Top of the greasy pole, that's where. 1383 01:20:54,708 --> 01:20:56,583 I'm gonna make you a star, darling. 1384 01:20:56,708 --> 01:20:57,916 [Funny Cow] Oh, twinkle, twinkle-- 1385 01:20:58,041 --> 01:21:00,000 Oh, I mean it. 1386 01:21:00,125 --> 01:21:01,833 Don't tease me. 1387 01:21:01,958 --> 01:21:04,791 I'm not teasing, I don't tease and I don't mess around 1388 01:21:04,916 --> 01:21:06,375 because I am all business. 1389 01:21:06,500 --> 01:21:09,416 Are ya, well I'm 40% cheese. 1390 01:21:15,791 --> 01:21:16,583 Lenny. 1391 01:21:18,583 --> 01:21:21,666 [gentle, slow music] 1392 01:21:24,708 --> 01:21:27,208 [Man] How now! what news? 1393 01:21:27,333 --> 01:21:29,000 [Woman] he's almost supped. 1394 01:21:29,125 --> 01:21:30,708 Why have you left the chamber? 1395 01:21:30,833 --> 01:21:32,208 [Man] Has he asked for me? 1396 01:21:32,333 --> 01:21:34,791 [Woman] Know you not he has?. 1397 01:21:34,916 --> 01:21:37,708 [Man] We will proceed no further in this business. 1398 01:21:37,833 --> 01:21:39,750 He hath honored me of late 1399 01:21:39,875 --> 01:21:43,750 and I have bought golden opinions from all sorts of places. 1400 01:21:43,875 --> 01:21:45,791 [Man] Which would be worn now in their newest gloss, 1401 01:21:45,916 --> 01:21:48,083 not cast aside so soon. 1402 01:21:48,208 --> 01:21:51,708 [Woman] Was the hope drunk wherein you dressed yourself? 1403 01:21:51,833 --> 01:21:54,208 Hath it slept since and wakes it now 1404 01:21:54,333 --> 01:21:56,541 to look so green and pale? 1405 01:21:58,625 --> 01:21:59,458 [Angus] Where did you go? 1406 01:21:59,583 --> 01:22:00,958 [Funny Cow] Barbados. 1407 01:22:01,083 --> 01:22:02,625 [Angus] Sarcasm doesn't suit you, you know that. 1408 01:22:02,750 --> 01:22:04,166 [Funny Cow] Oh, you don't think so? 1409 01:22:04,291 --> 01:22:05,625 That's a shame. 1410 01:22:05,750 --> 01:22:06,833 Why did you leave? 1411 01:22:06,958 --> 01:22:09,083 'Cause I was bored shitless. 1412 01:22:09,208 --> 01:22:10,833 Shakespeare? 1413 01:22:10,958 --> 01:22:12,250 You're telling me Shakespeare's boring? 1414 01:22:12,375 --> 01:22:13,666 No, I'm telling you, I was bored. 1415 01:22:13,791 --> 01:22:15,291 It's not my thing. 1416 01:22:15,416 --> 01:22:17,041 Well what is? 1417 01:22:17,166 --> 01:22:20,833 I don't know, not bleeding pinky and bleeding perky. 1418 01:22:20,958 --> 01:22:22,750 It's because I'm thick, all right. 1419 01:22:22,875 --> 01:22:24,833 No, no you're not thick, far from it. 1420 01:22:24,958 --> 01:22:27,125 [chuckles] I can't understand half of what they're saying 1421 01:22:27,250 --> 01:22:29,875 and then when they started laughing, I wanted to kill 'em. 1422 01:22:30,000 --> 01:22:31,750 There's that bloke sat behind us, 1423 01:22:31,875 --> 01:22:33,625 and he's mouthing the words like he's in some sing along, 1424 01:22:33,750 --> 01:22:35,791 looking around, making sure the audience are watching him. 1425 01:22:35,916 --> 01:22:37,791 You don't have to be threatened by it. 1426 01:22:37,916 --> 01:22:39,250 Shakespeare's for everyone. 1427 01:22:39,375 --> 01:22:40,750 [Funny Cow] It's not though, is it? 1428 01:22:40,875 --> 01:22:43,750 Because you lot have hijacked it. 1429 01:22:44,791 --> 01:22:46,291 You lot, what do you mean by that? 1430 01:22:46,416 --> 01:22:48,791 Well you know, the educated. 1431 01:22:49,916 --> 01:22:51,916 Oh right, right, so, 1432 01:22:52,041 --> 01:22:55,625 would you rather that I wasn't educated, is that it? 1433 01:22:55,750 --> 01:22:58,916 Would you rather I went to the football, drank lager, 1434 01:22:59,041 --> 01:23:01,375 came home and beat you? 1435 01:23:01,500 --> 01:23:03,708 Would you like that, is that it, is that what you prefer? 1436 01:23:03,833 --> 01:23:05,083 Drag my knuckles? 1437 01:23:05,208 --> 01:23:06,416 No, I prefer you didn't bring me in 1438 01:23:06,541 --> 01:23:07,833 like some Liza fucking Doolittle. 1439 01:23:07,958 --> 01:23:09,791 I just don't want it. 1440 01:23:10,875 --> 01:23:13,958 What do you think my motivation was? 1441 01:23:14,083 --> 01:23:18,041 I just wanted you to enjoy it with me, a shared experience. 1442 01:23:18,166 --> 01:23:20,916 I don't have some fucking agenda. 1443 01:23:21,041 --> 01:23:22,500 I love you and I wanted us to have 1444 01:23:22,625 --> 01:23:24,833 a really nice night out together at the theater. 1445 01:23:24,958 --> 01:23:26,000 Is that so bad? 1446 01:23:26,833 --> 01:23:28,500 Well I don't. 1447 01:23:28,625 --> 01:23:29,916 You don't what? 1448 01:23:31,416 --> 01:23:32,291 Love you. 1449 01:23:39,166 --> 01:23:40,916 I'm sorry, Angus. 1450 01:23:41,041 --> 01:23:42,166 Really, I am. 1451 01:23:44,208 --> 01:23:46,583 I don't know how you, 1452 01:23:46,708 --> 01:23:48,375 I've been inside you. 1453 01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:50,916 I know. 1454 01:23:53,750 --> 01:23:55,333 Don't finish it. 1455 01:23:55,458 --> 01:23:57,833 Please, we're good together. 1456 01:23:58,708 --> 01:23:59,791 I can change. 1457 01:23:59,916 --> 01:24:01,166 I can and I will. 1458 01:24:02,625 --> 01:24:03,875 I don't want to be on my own. 1459 01:24:04,000 --> 01:24:06,250 I don't want to be alone, please. 1460 01:24:06,375 --> 01:24:07,791 I've waited so long for somebody like you-- 1461 01:24:07,916 --> 01:24:10,833 Well you can't make me love you 1462 01:24:11,875 --> 01:24:13,833 because I can't love. 1463 01:24:15,041 --> 01:24:16,375 It's not you. 1464 01:24:16,500 --> 01:24:18,208 You're lovely and you're funny and you're kind. 1465 01:24:18,333 --> 01:24:21,583 Well don't fucking finish it then. 1466 01:24:21,708 --> 01:24:23,291 If all that's true, don't finish it, please. 1467 01:24:23,416 --> 01:24:26,000 You are better off without me. 1468 01:24:27,583 --> 01:24:28,666 No. 1469 01:24:28,791 --> 01:24:30,958 No I'm not, I'm fucking not. 1470 01:24:31,083 --> 01:24:32,583 I'm a monster. 1471 01:24:32,708 --> 01:24:34,041 No. 1472 01:24:34,166 --> 01:24:36,375 I am, I'm barbaric and I'm sentimental. 1473 01:24:36,500 --> 01:24:38,083 Is that the right word? 1474 01:24:38,208 --> 01:24:40,166 You know, I could kill somebody, chop up their body 1475 01:24:40,291 --> 01:24:44,083 and put in a tart and biscuits and I'm fucked! 1476 01:24:46,083 --> 01:24:48,791 You don't tell me to shut up. 1477 01:24:48,916 --> 01:24:50,916 You don't tell me to be quiet. 1478 01:24:51,041 --> 01:24:53,083 Of course I don't, why would I do that? 1479 01:24:53,208 --> 01:24:54,083 I love you. 1480 01:24:56,000 --> 01:24:57,708 That is love to me. 1481 01:24:58,916 --> 01:25:00,916 And it's not your fault. 1482 01:25:03,958 --> 01:25:04,916 I'm going now. 1483 01:25:06,208 --> 01:25:08,583 Where are you going? 1484 01:25:08,708 --> 01:25:11,875 You're going back to him so he can squash you and beat you? 1485 01:25:15,291 --> 01:25:16,083 No. 1486 01:25:18,708 --> 01:25:19,958 Take care, Angus. 1487 01:25:21,625 --> 01:25:23,458 If you knew how much I was hurting inside, 1488 01:25:23,583 --> 01:25:26,416 you wouldn't do this, you wouldn't. 1489 01:25:26,541 --> 01:25:27,541 Bye Angus. 1490 01:25:29,541 --> 01:25:32,875 [somber, gentle music] 1491 01:25:50,291 --> 01:25:55,250 -[dog barking] -[phone ringing] 1492 01:26:07,166 --> 01:26:12,166 -[slow, gentle music] -[steady breathing] 1493 01:26:26,125 --> 01:26:27,333 How you doing? 1494 01:26:35,875 --> 01:26:38,458 I was waiting for you to come. 1495 01:26:39,958 --> 01:26:42,458 I didn't know if you were gonna come. 1496 01:26:46,041 --> 01:26:49,000 I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't come. 1497 01:26:52,541 --> 01:26:54,750 [mutters] 1498 01:26:56,041 --> 01:26:58,750 This [mutters] 1499 01:27:01,250 --> 01:27:03,750 makes me deaf when I take it off. 1500 01:27:03,875 --> 01:27:06,166 [Funny Cow] It's a shame 'cause it suits you. 1501 01:27:06,291 --> 01:27:09,125 [Bob grunts] 1502 01:27:09,250 --> 01:27:10,958 Look at me hands. 1503 01:27:17,875 --> 01:27:19,041 I've been waiting for you to come 1504 01:27:19,166 --> 01:27:21,458 'cause I wanted to tell ya, 1505 01:27:25,958 --> 01:27:26,750 really 1506 01:27:28,666 --> 01:27:30,041 I'm really sorry. 1507 01:27:32,041 --> 01:27:34,166 For everything that went on. 1508 01:27:35,083 --> 01:27:36,041 And um, 1509 01:27:38,083 --> 01:27:38,833 and um, 1510 01:27:42,250 --> 01:27:44,541 I'm sorry for shouting at you. 1511 01:27:45,916 --> 01:27:48,958 I'm sorry for all the shouting at you, 1512 01:27:49,083 --> 01:27:50,875 'cause you didn't deserve it. 1513 01:27:51,000 --> 01:27:51,875 Sorry that. 1514 01:27:53,291 --> 01:27:55,625 Yet I know, you had to go 1515 01:27:55,750 --> 01:27:58,333 and you should have gone before. 1516 01:28:00,416 --> 01:28:01,208 Come here. 1517 01:28:08,791 --> 01:28:10,750 Can't move me thing. 1518 01:28:10,875 --> 01:28:11,666 Come here. 1519 01:28:13,875 --> 01:28:14,666 Come here. 1520 01:28:18,333 --> 01:28:20,041 -Sorry. -I know. 1521 01:28:20,166 --> 01:28:20,958 Sorry. 1522 01:28:27,208 --> 01:28:28,083 I'm sleeping. 1523 01:28:33,333 --> 01:28:36,208 [machines beeping] 1524 01:28:53,083 --> 01:28:56,083 [curtains swishing] 1525 01:28:57,500 --> 01:29:00,500 [walking footsteps] 1526 01:29:20,791 --> 01:29:23,291 [door rattles] 1527 01:29:24,791 --> 01:29:27,458 [engine humming] 1528 01:29:35,375 --> 01:29:38,250 [Funny Cow laughing] 1529 01:29:43,000 --> 01:29:43,750 Bye Bob! 1530 01:29:46,833 --> 01:29:49,833 [cheerful, gentle music] 1531 01:29:49,958 --> 01:29:54,916 ♪ Now she'll never play those haunted music halls again ♪ 1532 01:29:56,250 --> 01:30:01,250 ♪ Something better's coming and it's just around the bend ♪ 1533 01:30:03,000 --> 01:30:07,958 ♪ She will not forget her roots or where it all began ♪ 1534 01:30:09,666 --> 01:30:14,666 ♪ One click of those ruby slippers and she's home again ♪ 1535 01:30:19,583 --> 01:30:22,208 ♪ She's a funny cow 1536 01:30:22,333 --> 01:30:25,875 [gentle, cheerful music] 1537 01:30:37,291 --> 01:30:38,208 Oh God. 1538 01:30:42,041 --> 01:30:45,041 [walking footsteps] 1539 01:30:46,333 --> 01:30:49,208 [Funny Cow sighs] 1540 01:30:51,166 --> 01:30:56,166 -[clanking glass] -[shuffling footsteps] 1541 01:31:01,458 --> 01:31:03,375 [door rattles] 1542 01:31:03,500 --> 01:31:06,000 [Funny Cow sighs] 1543 01:31:06,125 --> 01:31:07,583 -[door thumps] -Here. 1544 01:31:07,708 --> 01:31:09,000 Let me do that. 1545 01:31:11,000 --> 01:31:14,166 -[trickling liquid] -[unsteady breathing] 1546 01:31:14,291 --> 01:31:16,166 Are you gonna carry on like this? 1547 01:31:18,458 --> 01:31:21,208 Thought I might, yeah. 1548 01:31:21,333 --> 01:31:26,250 -[clinking glass] -[trickling liquid] 1549 01:31:27,291 --> 01:31:29,875 You are gonna drink yourself to death! 1550 01:31:31,250 --> 01:31:32,458 -Give it me! -Well, 1551 01:31:32,583 --> 01:31:35,208 I was born in a stall weren't I! 1552 01:31:40,500 --> 01:31:42,166 -[trickling liquid] -[clinking glass] 1553 01:31:42,291 --> 01:31:44,875 It's bloody cold in here, mom. 1554 01:31:46,041 --> 01:31:47,916 It's cold everywhere. 1555 01:31:49,708 --> 01:31:52,041 You're like a little bird. 1556 01:31:56,416 --> 01:31:59,125 [mom coughing] 1557 01:32:02,416 --> 01:32:05,125 I wanna do something for you. 1558 01:32:05,250 --> 01:32:06,916 -Do ya? -Yeah, I do. 1559 01:32:13,958 --> 01:32:17,666 I know it's not been right, us. 1560 01:32:20,375 --> 01:32:23,166 And I know you don't like to talk. 1561 01:32:25,583 --> 01:32:28,875 But want to take you to the coast, 1562 01:32:29,000 --> 01:32:29,791 to live. 1563 01:32:32,291 --> 01:32:33,291 If you like. 1564 01:32:35,500 --> 01:32:36,625 I'll buy you a place. 1565 01:32:36,750 --> 01:32:39,291 [mom sobbing] 1566 01:32:42,375 --> 01:32:46,625 I'm no kind of a mother. [sobbing] 1567 01:32:58,791 --> 01:33:02,625 Drink myself stupid. [sniffs] 1568 01:33:02,750 --> 01:33:04,375 I will. 1569 01:33:04,500 --> 01:33:08,333 You can do it under a big sky, can't you? 1570 01:33:08,458 --> 01:33:12,458 [sobbing] I'm so sorry, love. 1571 01:33:16,875 --> 01:33:18,458 What are we like hey? 1572 01:33:19,541 --> 01:33:22,333 -Shh. -[mom sobbing] 1573 01:33:37,458 --> 01:33:41,583 -[bottle clinks] -[thumps] 1574 01:33:41,708 --> 01:33:44,791 [seagulls squawking] 1575 01:33:47,208 --> 01:33:49,375 You might be happy now. 1576 01:33:49,500 --> 01:33:50,375 Might be. 1577 01:33:54,041 --> 01:33:56,375 Why did you put up with it? 1578 01:33:57,833 --> 01:34:00,583 'Cause I didn't know any better. 1579 01:34:01,416 --> 01:34:03,375 You shoulda got out. 1580 01:34:04,625 --> 01:34:05,375 Shoulda? 1581 01:34:06,541 --> 01:34:07,583 Coulda, didn't. 1582 01:34:13,083 --> 01:34:15,416 You saw him hitting me, mom. 1583 01:34:20,708 --> 01:34:22,125 I were really little. 1584 01:34:24,416 --> 01:34:25,791 It wasn't right. 1585 01:34:28,916 --> 01:34:30,708 Can't be helped now. 1586 01:34:35,041 --> 01:34:35,833 No. 1587 01:34:44,458 --> 01:34:45,750 when I was a kid, 1588 01:34:47,416 --> 01:34:49,208 I dreamt I was flying, 1589 01:34:50,666 --> 01:34:52,833 flying over Salisbury Plain. 1590 01:34:54,625 --> 01:34:57,333 I didn't know it was Salisbury Plain 'til I grew up. 1591 01:34:59,875 --> 01:35:02,416 It was a beautiful sunny day. 1592 01:35:03,666 --> 01:35:05,625 Wind was stinging me face, 1593 01:35:06,708 --> 01:35:08,500 pulling my mouth open, 1594 01:35:13,916 --> 01:35:15,500 but it was a memory, 1595 01:35:16,791 --> 01:35:17,791 not a dream. 1596 01:35:20,208 --> 01:35:21,208 I was flying 1597 01:35:22,625 --> 01:35:25,041 and I know that isn't right, 1598 01:35:27,500 --> 01:35:28,708 but it's true. 1599 01:35:31,041 --> 01:35:32,125 I was flying. 1600 01:35:34,333 --> 01:35:38,458 See, I've lived my whole life knowing I can fly. 1601 01:35:38,583 --> 01:35:40,500 It's what's kept me up, 1602 01:35:41,750 --> 01:35:42,875 lifted me up. 1603 01:35:44,625 --> 01:35:49,625 -[slow, gentle music] -[walking footsteps] 1604 01:36:06,708 --> 01:36:11,708 -[swing squeaking] -[slow, gentle music] 1605 01:36:23,833 --> 01:36:26,791 [gravel crunches] 1606 01:36:26,916 --> 01:36:30,041 [slow, gentle music] 1607 01:36:38,291 --> 01:36:42,458 You see, it's always been too much for me, life, 1608 01:36:42,583 --> 01:36:43,375 too much 1609 01:36:44,416 --> 01:36:45,541 and not enough 1610 01:36:47,708 --> 01:36:49,541 all at the same time. 1611 01:36:56,125 --> 01:36:58,125 Listen to me going on eh?. 1612 01:37:02,875 --> 01:37:05,208 [gentle, slow music] 1613 01:37:05,333 --> 01:37:09,208 ♪ She's a funny cow 1614 01:37:09,333 --> 01:37:12,500 ♪ Always acts the clown 1615 01:37:12,625 --> 01:37:15,666 ♪ To all those faces in dark places ♪ 1616 01:37:15,791 --> 01:37:19,500 ♪ So many rain, gray towns 1617 01:37:19,625 --> 01:37:22,625 ♪ But any second now 1618 01:37:22,750 --> 01:37:25,750 ♪ She'll bring down the house 1619 01:37:25,875 --> 01:37:30,875 ♪ She's a funny cow 1620 01:37:32,250 --> 01:37:35,916 ♪ She's a funny cow 1621 01:37:36,041 --> 01:37:39,541 ♪ See her take a bow 1622 01:37:39,666 --> 01:37:44,625 ♪ The stages that she graces are so much bigger now ♪ 1623 01:37:46,416 --> 01:37:49,500 ♪ And by any means how 1624 01:37:49,625 --> 01:37:52,916 ♪ She'll bring down this house 1625 01:37:53,041 --> 01:37:58,041 ♪ She's a funny cow 1626 01:38:00,166 --> 01:38:05,166 ♪ Now she'll never play those haunted music halls again ♪ 1627 01:38:06,708 --> 01:38:09,500 ♪ Something better's coming 1628 01:38:09,625 --> 01:38:13,125 ♪ And it's just around the bend ♪ 1629 01:38:13,250 --> 01:38:18,250 ♪ She will not forget her roots or where it all began ♪ 1630 01:38:19,958 --> 01:38:24,958 ♪ One click of those ruby slippers and she's home again ♪ 1631 01:38:29,875 --> 01:38:32,791 ♪ She's a funny cow 1632 01:38:32,916 --> 01:38:36,041 [gentle, slow music] 1633 01:38:43,583 --> 01:38:47,666 ♪ This is the part we get it wrong ♪ 1634 01:38:55,916 --> 01:39:00,666 ♪ Sometimes it's not where you're at ♪ 1635 01:39:01,833 --> 01:39:06,666 ♪ It's where you're from 1636 01:39:08,583 --> 01:39:13,375 ♪ And even the family cat can laugh along ♪ 1637 01:39:21,000 --> 01:39:26,000 ♪ She could sing to the birds 1638 01:39:26,916 --> 01:39:31,125 ♪ They'd sing her songs 1639 01:39:32,750 --> 01:39:37,708 ♪ She's a funny cow 1640 01:39:38,958 --> 01:39:43,708 ♪ She's a funny cow 1641 01:39:45,875 --> 01:39:50,708 ♪ Who's laughing now 1642 01:39:51,625 --> 01:39:54,458 ♪ And she's a funny cow 1643 01:39:54,583 --> 01:39:57,666 [slow, gentle music] 1644 01:41:10,500 --> 01:41:15,500 ♪ She's a funny cow 1645 01:41:16,666 --> 01:41:21,666 ♪ She's a funny cow 1646 01:41:22,875 --> 01:41:25,791 ♪ She's a funny cow 1647 01:41:27,791 --> 01:41:30,791 [slow, gentle music] 1648 01:41:36,458 --> 01:41:41,458 ♪ I never asked you to buy me the moon ♪ 1649 01:41:44,333 --> 01:41:49,333 ♪ I just wanted you to come back soon and love me ♪ 1650 01:41:57,125 --> 01:42:02,125 ♪ Like you did before 1651 01:42:05,958 --> 01:42:10,958 ♪ Yeah and love me 1652 01:42:13,083 --> 01:42:17,833 ♪ Just a little bit more 1653 01:42:22,208 --> 01:42:24,833 ♪ And love me 105643