Original subtitles

(Beeping)

**

**

Let's get 'em.

**

**

They call me Kilroy.

This post mission report will cover everything that happened

over the last two weeks

during a journey

into the forbidden jungles

of Calderon.

Before one can understand the rational for such a mission

one must learn it's history.

**

I remember the day I was briefed

on Operation:

Forbidden Trim.

It all starts with this man,

Tanaka Tosh.

Tanaka was our only known connection to a mulit-national crime syndicate

known as the Caldera Network.

Agent G-173 was able to locate and trail Tanaka

in the Kanagawa Prefecture.

He was discovered.

so we pulled him back

because the mission was compromised.

Shortly after, Tanaka fled Japan.

We were able to track him to Queensland, Australia.

Where he was pinpointed in a small coastal town called

Noosa Heads.

We packed our bags and left for Australia.

On a new project titled: Operation Kookaburra.

This is Yoshi.

He came here to make a surf movie.

He's also here because he's a Japanese double agent

helping us to find Tanaka.

Our team was embedded behind a local surf contest

which provided adequate cover.

**

The operation was spearheaded by two of our best spies.

Homebase was a recreational vehicle.

Concealed inside was all the equipment necessary

for audio surveillance.

Our plan was to blend in

survey the coast

look for Tanaka, and listen in for any communications between him

and the mysterious Caldera Network.

Brown Bird.

Come in.

This is the Disco King.

Do you copy?

No sign of The Seagull yet

Brown Bird to Disco King we got you on radar.

There's been no suspicious phone calls up here sir, nothing.

No? Nothing yet?

Keep listening

Over and out.

**

At the end of the week the contest had ended with no sign of Tanaka.

So we hired some freelance floaters from the community

In attempt to get more eyes and ears on the inside.

We even added more cameras.

All we could do was wait

watch

and hope that Tanaka would reveal himself.

Brown Bird any luck?

Brown Bird come in.

Has anybody spotted him?

Has anybody spotted The Seagull?

Brown Bird come in.

Where are you guys?

I was having trouble reaching the rest of my team.

At first I let it go.

But soon after I realized something quite serious had happened.

**

Freedom!

I realized that this lifestyle was beginning to be a bit too much for our agents.

Two weeks of spying for nothing.

All we had were sunburns, and sand in our shoes.

Until we got a major breakthrough.

We found Tanaka's right-hand man.

A Japanese hitman known as Mr. Sayonara.

We tapped his phone line and listened to his calls for days.

They were heading to France.

As for our man of interest,Tanaka.

Well, he got away once again.

Which brings us to our next project.

OPERATION: WET BAGUETTE.

**

**

We learned our lesson in Australia

So we didn't let these beautiful things distract us from our mission.

And there we were caught up in another surf contest with no leads.

But we were soon to uncover a plot much thicker than we all expected.

**

How did the meeting go with Tanaka?

Ya the meeting went O.K. but I think we have a bigger problem here brother.

Something feels really suspicious

Oh yeah? What kind of problem.

It looks like there's some sort of surf contest right on our front steps.

really suspicious.

**

Keep the call short. I need to know if Tanaka can make the delivery.

Yeah brother. I told you.

He's good for the shipment.

Two or three days at the most.

Tell him to enter Calderon from the south.

This delivery is vital to our experiment.

Tell him I want a blonde!

That was the last piece of the puzzle.

A traceable call from the highest ranking member of the Caldera Network.

An experiment.

A delivery.

And a Blonde.

We don't know what it all means yet.

But we were able to trace the phone call to the point of origin.

We were lead to the exact location of the Caldera Network's secret area of operation.

That day in France

we found

Calderon.

We need a commando to infiltrate Calderon

and spy on the Caldera Network.

Who's this guy.

The leader of the Caldera Network.

A man known by his counterparts

As The Big Boss.

We have here

a depiction

of The Big Boss

Report back using the UM-19 Cipher Decoder.

Lights.

Which will be airdropped along with other supplies.

10.4 degrees North.

85.4 degrees West.

To the north

The White Desert boarders the region.

A remote and forsaken dead zone.

We recently sent a scout to a trail

A road

Anyway in.

But we never heard from him again.

To the East

No Man's Land.

To the south the most dangerous city in the Tropics.

And in the middle, your A.O.

The forbidden jungle

of Calderon.

Do not make contact with the enemy.

Your detection would amount to mission failure.

A one man mission is suicide.

I need the Alpha Team.

This is a recon mission.

Not Siagon.

You won't be entirely alone.

We are sending in a group of surfers to distract the enemy.

You gotta be kidding me.

I got to babysit these God damn hippies while they play in the ocean.

Use one of your C.I.A. spooks instead of me.

This is just crazy.

Do I have to remind you of your conduct

during Operation: Swift Dingo.

Lizard, Lizard!

H.Q. headquarters we have an issue.

This is lieutenant Bud Brown calling for immediate evac sir.

(Gunfire)

We were in route to check point tango

when this lizard comes out.

Kilroy starts firing upon it.

Kilroy cease fire dammit.

Sir requesting immediate evac sir.

Kilroy stand down

stand down

it's just a lizard.

Pinned down sir we're pinned down!

This document says you're unfit for duty.

Now I could tear it up

or I could send it to higher command.

It's really up to you.

We chose you

because you're the best man for this mission.

God dammit

I'll do it.

I had no choice.

Now was the time to do or die.

I needed redemption.

And if I could find that through the demise of the Caldera Network

then so be it.

Do I take the DC-8 Night Panther?

No way.

Too Loud.

The A-4 Jungle Jet?

Too much fire power.

How about the E-2 wildcat recon plane?

It's too big, overkill.

The perfect match.

The UH-1 Commanche Gunship.

These bad boys worked wonders in Rhodesia.

Side mounted .60 caliber belt fed ANTI-CHARLIE machine guns.

performing visual inspection on the dual rotor turbine engine.

Throttle's nice and tight.

Just how I like it.

I'm coming for you Charlie.

Redskin-6 this is Viper-1 ready for immediate take-off.

Viper-1 we are five by five.

You have permission to take off.

Roger that.

Swift.

Silent.

Deadly.

First battalion, Marine Recon.

Doom on you Charlie!

Viper-1 Kilo on the appron.

0.5 degrees diverting 3 degrees.

There's a sixer seventy eight

Permission to divert to 3 degrees 5x5 south by southwest.

Altitude 1814 over.

People from the neighboring cities were terrified of this

forbidden land.

Rumors spoke not only of a dangerous military presence

but also a high level of super-natural activity.

I now embarked on a highly dangerous covert mission.

headed towards the heart of the unknown.

Enemy bird in the sky.

Take it out.

Affirmative.

We are approaching destination Kilroy.

**

Fire!

Chatsworth, get us up! up!

Taking fire. Kilroy's taking fire.

Viper-1 do you copy.

We got A.A. down there boys.

They're 20mm.

Let's take em out.

Arming the hellfire's.

lets follow up with 30mm.

Right down there.

We got armor coming out of the meadow on the northeast corner.

Clear to fire secondaries.

Nice shooting Kilroy!

Hard right break you are clear to engage over.

Redskin-6 this is Lieutenant Chatsworth, Viper-1.

We have engaged enemy, targets destroyed.

Unidentified building, we are going to break right.

Looks like some sort of mansion.

Roofs opening up enemy spotted.

We got a gunner. We got heavy artillery happening.

Break right. Evasive maneuver now.

Redskin-6 we are taking fire latitude 619 degrees.

We're hit.

Mayday Mayday.

We lost engine one.

Redskin-6 we're going down.

We're going down!

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No?

No.

No.

No.

No!

There's probably no way he made it through that.

No

No

Get a grip, get a hold of yourself.

No

You're embarrassing yourself.

My balls.

(Screaming)

My supplies

Thank the Lord.

My rations

My tent

And my UM-19 Cipher Decoder.

Perfect.

The Um-19

Designed to counter the KGB's M-125 Fialka

during the cold war.

Dual data encoder and cipher descrambler.

This bad boy can pick up any radio signal floating through the dense jungle air.

Now all I have to do is up-link the COMM-SAT feed and connect back to the ship

Sir get in here.

Kilroy's alive.

Sweet Jesus Hallelujah

He's alive.

-Fantastic. Kilroy's alive! -That's amazing.

Yeah!

Ow.

Woo.

That's great.

Alright let's remember we still have a mission here.

Calm down.

Ow.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It was time I entered this mystery

they call Calderon.

I wandered only steps from my camp

to get my first glimpse of this lost land

Untouched by the human hand.

I remember thinking

am I seeing correctly?

Maybe that fall knocked something loose.

**

How did I get so high up in these hills?

Things were getting stranger.

**

I entered a deep river gorge.

Which lead me to long bridge over a thick mangrove swamp.

Something overtook me as I crossed that bridge

A feeling I never felt before.

**

Wait a minute.

**

**

**

The land was strange enough.

Why were these surfers put into this scheme.

What purpose were they here for?

A distraction?

How were these hippies going to distract the Caldera Network?

A Wild Beach Monkey.

The monkey didn't know I studied Ninjutsu.

The ol' full nelson.

You son of a&.

It'd be a cold day in Hell before you get the drop on ol' Kilroy.

(Motorcycle Engine)

Intruders!

**

We have intruders on the Northern Territory.

Let me guess.

Surfers.

Lucky guess how do you know?

Two other groups of surfers were spotted coming up from the south.

There was also an

incident over Casa Blanca.

A U.S. military helicopter.

We shot it down.

Nice.

That's good to hear.

**

**

Look at him!

They're sitting there feeding each other strawberries on my beach.

This is unacceptable.

Are you listening?

You said the surfers had a girl with them?

Are you sure?

She's blonde, two meters tall

nice buns.

She is liability to our mission Big Boss.

Just let them surf.

We will be needing them for our experiment.

**

Speaking of the experiment

Tanaka is here with our second specimen.

Don't worry

Everything is going according to plan.

Ah, Tanaka.

Big Boss.

Here is the specimen that you requested.

Very impressive.

But I have one question for you.

Do you take me for a fool?

I ordered a blonde.

I had to stay on track.

So over the next week I watched from the shadows.

I found the enemy base that shot us down.

And to my surprise it was surrounded by ferocious animals.

Lions on the side.

Tigers in the back.

and Bears in the front.

This was no place to linger.

If I was going to gain access to our compound

I was going to have to find a better route.

But there was more to this situation than just the Caldera Network

I now had to figure out how to deal with these

Surfers.

**

**

Wasn't this place supposed to be forbidden?

What ever happened to the ruthless vigilantes out for foreign blood.

Multiple armed guards.

a deuce and a half.

well trained

well armed

well financed mercenaries.

Rotating patrols.

There appeared to be an officer's corp.

What were they up to all the way out here in the middle of the jungle.

What were they planning.

Was the boss in there.

I had to go before the dog's picked up my scent.

God dammit.

The briefing spoke of a forbidden jungle.

So I was surprised when I saw a functioning civilization.

Roads

Powerlines

and people living happy lives unthreatened.

You could even get gasoline.

Somehow the surfers had managed to even find a car.

**

Day Nine.

I struck east on recon.

Into a dense and impassable jungle.

So I headed back to the beach.

**

**

I would upload daily intelligence reports on the UM-19

years of service

Siagon.

Decoration after decoration and this is what I get.

Watching a bunch of stoners surf.

Even hung from my nuts.

Only to enjoy a fifty foot free fall from a tree.

Crawling through swamps.

Find a compound more secure than the Pentagon

and after all that I get to wrestle a Beach Monkey.

All for what?

I was beginning to lose moral.

**

I was surveying some of the buildings in the town when I saw her.

Something about her intrigued me.

So I followed her for a couple of days.

She appeared to be a local girl who had a juice stand off the main road

To my surprise she was already acquainted by one of the surfers.

Not even a week here and these draft dodgers have the place wired.

I followed them to the beach where they rode waves

and drank coconut milk until the sun started to set.

Even more surprising

she was letting some of the surfers stay at her cabina.

I followed them back.

A quaint little shack just off the beach.

Maybe I was underestimating the surfers.

The fact was

they were finding their way just fine

in one of the most dangerous places in the world.

**

I see you looking around quite a bit.

You're a very curious fellow, you.

Yes, with your little hat and your little pants.

I will show you the way.

Watch my hands move

in mysterious ways, a circle.

its broken now.

But watch the waves swirl

back and forth like a dolphin.

Omens

Tres Hombres

that will tell you three different things.

Only I can show you the way Kilroy.

Who are you?

I don't believe in fortune tellers.

**

Follow orders Kilroy!

Don't deviate from the mission

Kilroy, follow orders!

Don't deviate from the mission

**

It's your turn now to ride the waves.

Now stand up!

Remember what you've seen from the great surfers.

Stand up Kilroy, This one's all yours.

O, Maybe not.

Look at this set wave coming in Kilroy.

Let's share it.

I'll go right.

**

**

I've shown you the way Kilroy, in your dreams.

Now it is up to you to find it in your real life.

**

Was I still dreaming?

I had just come across a six foot Amazon woman

deep in the heart of the lush jungle.

I saw her and I can tell you one thing baby.

Me likey.

It has been a long time

She was just so exotic.

**

No, why?

Redskin-6, Redskin-6. Do you copy?

God Dammit.

Redskin-6 this is Viper-1

Do you come in?

Dammit.

Redskin-6, Redskin-6

This is Viper-1 do you copy?

God Dammit

Redskin-6, I just got attacked by a wild ape woman.

Location unknown.

Redskin-6

I don't know where she is man.

I need an evac right now.

Kilroy where have you been?

Check your briefcase.

We have intel for you.

Back at the tent

I linked up and downloaded new mission objectives.

The Caldera Network was having a big party

at their compound that night.

OPERATION:JUNGLE RAVE

had unique mission guidelines.

It called for me to turn the surfers into spies.

So I met up with them on a jungle road

and commandeered their vehicle.

They took me back to their cabina

where one of the surfers volunteered to be disguised.

This brave surfer

would pose as a Chinese investor

new to the Caldera Network.

The next phase was to get the surfers into the party unscathed.

Invitations please.

Invitations.

Successfully crashing a party really boils down to your entry.

Once you're in, you're golden.

So always remember to bring a gift.

I was told to bring all of this champagne.

How about a little bit of ice?

Very well

Right this way Madame /N let me take you to the kitchen.

**

See that guy?

I think he's our new man from China.

Bring him to the poker table in fifteen minutes.

Yes sir.

Redskin-6.

I'm on the side of the house

and I have visual confirmation

on the Big Boss.

He's seated

Talking to a scientist or a doctor.

I can't be sure.

I can't hear what they're saying.

This is our big chance to end this.

Copy that? I'm going in for the kill.

Negative.

Stand down

and remain undetected.

You listen.

Alright, listen up.

Time's up, we have to improvise.

I'm breaking in taking out the Big Boss. You got that?

Negative.

Keep watching

and report anything suspicious.

and check on the surfers.

Surfers?

kidding me?

Dammit man they're on the move.

**

The party was really starting to go off

So I moved on and tried to locate the surfers.

King of hearts.

Ace of hearts.

Queen of hearts.

That's a pretty nice flop their gentlemen.

Big blind is to you.

The bet is $10,000

Now you call

or raise.

Big boys, you tough.

All in.

Don't come to the table and splash the pot like that.

Hey who the hell is this guy.

What are you new?

This is our Chinese investor.

Show him some respect.

Madame.

The bet is to you.

Thank you Madame for your call.

The bet is to you Russian.

There's been a lot of weird things going on lately.

We want to know about it.

Yeah.

What is the big boss up to?

What's he making?

We want to know, why all the secrets?

We are ready now for our DNA extraction.

Hey Russian, listen up.

You tell us right now.

You tell us what the big boss is up to.

what he's making.

You think i'm bluffing I'm not bluffing.

Either you're going to tell us what's going on

or I'm going to let it blow.

Did you not hear about our ape woman?

I've heard about the ape woman.

Rumors

She doesn't exist.

She's just a myth.

Well me made her.

We made her right here in this house.

(Sparking)

We are making a lizard woman right now as we speak.

right in the other room.

They're making woman?

Nice.

I need one.

That's why we chose this coastline.

It is most perfect testing ground.

Our creations can run free

all night long.

We did it.

**

When I saw her it all made sense.

That ape woman.

She wasn't a dream after all.

It's just a lizard!

We're pinned down sir. we're pinned down.

Redskin-6

The plan's changed.

There's a lizard woman.

It's in God's hands now.

No time to explain.

Stand down Kilroy that's an order.

Just do what I told you.

Follow orders now!

That's an order!

Ah no, I can't believe this.

I was afraid this was going to happen.

Lizard woman back!

Enough!

My creation.

Sir

I think she loves me.

It's time we introduce her to our investors.

But I want to love her.

Nonsense.

Prepare the presentation.

The moment we've all been waiting for

Show the cards.

I had nothing the whole time.

Four aces.

This game is fun.

Very impressive.

Cute hand.

You Lose.

Chinaman wins with a royal straight flush.

Impossible!

No!

My rhino horn.

You.

You cheater.

Don't hurt him he's our investor.

Wait

Who is this guy?

You like this chop suey?

Time to die!

Kilroy come in.

I don't know if you can hear this

but the surfers have all left the party.

Something must have gone terribly wrong.

Be careful out there.

I love you.

I've been working night and day

on DNA

for my lizard babe.

Her legs are long and green

and soon,

soon, you'll know what I mean.

we're going to send into the world.

and start a new race

of sexy animal girls.

The world will never be the same.

Ladies and gentlemen

on behalf of the Caldera Network.

I introduce

lizard woman.

(Applause)

**

They say

a mission

can change a man.

But sometimes

the man changes the mission.

(Explosion)

**

Whatever they were planning.

Whatever sick and depraved scheme they had organized.

I wasn't going to let that happen.

From the ashes

the surviving Caldera thugs examined the remains of their compound.

They pinned the whole thing on the only foreigners they could think of.

The surfers.

Luckily

I had arranged horses and a guide for their escape.

**

As they rode away

I couldn't help but feel like I wanted them to stay

Here in paradise

Where we could surf and drink coconuts

and kill bad guides together.

Freaking surfers!

Porque, no!

The surfers made good on their escape

which was fortunate for them

considering their cabina was torched later that night.

After that I really don't know what happened to my new Alpha Team.

The real question is

were they followed by the Caldera Network?

He got his girl

and now I was going to go get mine.

I infiltrated your land

I killed your boss

I gave you plenty of data to mine.

Mission success.

Now that i'm done fighting your battles

I'm taking a leave of absence.

Do not contact me.

Officially signing out.

Kilroy.

After all these experiences in combat

the bravest thing i've ever done

was to let it all go.

**

Don't we all need somebody to love?

I got my girl

and now I was going to get my wave.

The End.