Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hi, baby.

Hello, mother.

Ooh, who is this?

Where's the car?

Oh, it's all the way around the corner, I just...

Oh, okay, hello.

Um, and I don't know.

Wait, what don't you know, honey?

Who the cat is.

What do you mean, you don't know?

Andie!

You can't keep that cat at our house.

Oh come on.

You are not bringing a stray cat into my home.

- I'm sorry. - It's not a stray.

It has a collar.

Well, then it's somebody's pet and we need

to get it back to them.

There's no tags.

I don't know what to tell you, kiddo.

You're not responsible enough for a pet.

Are you kidding me, right now?

I'm an adult, Karen.

Mom.

I just lived on my own for a year.

Eight months.

Petty.

We need to get a letter box.

Shit.

What's wrong?

It's that cunt Millie.

Do not say that word!

Shut up, mom.

Oh, so now I'm mom.

- Hey, Millie! - Mom!

Hi, Karen.

Hey, Andie.

- You're back. - Yep.

How's your mom?

She's good.

How long are you back for?

Oh, not long, just a quick little recharge.

Okay.

Well, it was good to see you.

You too.

Tell your mom, I was asking after her.

I will.

I'm sure she says the same.

Well I'll see you around Andie, now that you're back.

Yeah, I mean, I'll probably be gone again,

like really soon, so.

Bye.

I still can't figure out why you're here.

Neil.

Didn't you miss me?

Not particularly.

Liar.

Was the liberal arts major too stressful for you?

I made your favorite meal.

That's very funny.

We have got corn dogs for days.

Thanks mom!

Hello, father.

There she is, my favorite child.

Hey.

Well, stop being such a little asshole.

Mom, dad called me an asshole.

Dean, language.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

How was rehearsal?

Riveting, how is college?

Bewitching.

Karen, thank you so much for cooking,

but why are we eating corn dogs?

Because they're Andie's favorite.

When she was seven.

Okay, mom.

Thank you.

Mom, how does it feel having a college dropout

as your first born.

Neil, I am proud of my daughter, no matter what

even if she ends up homeless and unemployed.

Thank you.

But now is as good a time as any

to start talking about your plan.

Do you want me to help you find one?

No, I'm good.

I have a job.

That's great news, where?

Abby's store.

Way to aim for the stars.

Neil, shut it.

See, I told you not to worry.

A mother always worries.

We can't all be as loosey goosey as you.

Yeah loosey goose.

Oh, who is this little beautiful creature?

I found her at the bus stop this morning.

Hi there, pretty lady.

Feel.

Mom says, we can't keep her.

Oh, nonsense.

We can't put such a beautiful creature out into the cold.

Enough with the theatrics, Dean, it's 80 degrees.

What's her name?

Naming her implies we're keeping her.

I was thinking, Karen.

I like it.

Very funny.

Hi, Karen.

Nope, no.

Then it's settled.

Karen the cat.

Baby, Hello sweetie, come to daddy.

Oh yes, look at that little tail.

And their seats, go down here.

Cool.

I know it's not a super sophisticated system

but it's just been me for a long time.

Are you kidding me?

Abby, you own your own store, this is so great.

I know, pretty wild, right?

Yes.

Things are kind of slow, but they've been picking up

a little.

You're killing it.

Thanks, Andie.

All right you're feeling good?

Yeah, totally.

All right, I think I'm gonna head out.

Okay.

And just a reminder, the alarm code is 8213.

Yes.

Do you wanna write that down?

No, you got it.

No, I got it, okay.

Okay, and don't forget to bring the sign in.

Okay, all right, I will.

Yeah.

Have fun.

Bye.

Bye, love you.

Love you too.

See you.

As I live and breath, Andrea Offerman is that you?

I'll be damned.

Penelope, I haven't seen you since,

before the war.

God, hi, girl I missed you so much.

Tell me everything.

Yeah, I've been home for like, 48 hours.

But we'll see.

Well, I super believe in you.

What specifically did you hate about uni?

Kind of all of it.

No, it wasn't bad, it was just,

everyone takes it so seriously.

And I don't know if you remember this

but taking things seriously is not my forte.

It's not your forte, that's right.

Hate you.

I told you so, but you totally should have just stayed

here with me.

Community college is where it's at, dude.

Absolutely, no one takes it seriously.

And not even your parents.

Shut up, also it's not like you learn less real facts.

Oh my God, look who it is.

Wow.

Whoa, hey Andie, oh my God, you're back.

I'm back.

Whoa, dude.

I mean like, yeah, no I saw on your Instagram story

or whatever, but it's really good to see you.

You too, man.

Oh, what are you doing right now?

Do you wanna grab dinner with us?

Yeah, no, I'd love to.

I'm not really doing anything, just enjoying the view.

I am actually gonna go home, yeah.

Boo wants to have dinner.

Whipped, home to your bitch.

Okay, I will.

Yeah, that sounds great, full disclosure,

I'm pretty high, right now.

We know Hans.

Okay, cool.

So, how are we talking here?

Three.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Out of three.

Hey guys, how's it going?

Yeah, good, how are you?

A bit of a slow night, but no complaints.

Cool.

Can I start you off with something to drink?

Yeah, We're not engines.

As in we don't need fuel.

Yeah, I got it.

Can we please get two eyed peas, please?

Sounds good, and you guys got your ids.

Oh, wouldn't did you like to know little girl?

Yep, It's cool, I remember you guys.

Thanks.

Wow, stoned Hans is as fun as I remember.

Yeah, I need some food to bring me back down.

Yeah, you do.

Is that nice? Yeah?.

High school wasn't the worst.

It really wasn't.

I mean, it beat the shit out of community college, anyways.

Penny was saying it's not that bad.

It's fine.

It's just a little bland, I guess.

I mean, the destitute nature of it is fine,

but the shallowness of some of the people

is just the worst.

Then people pretending they're in Berkeley

or some fancy shit.

That made the place shit.

Basic bitches are everywhere.

I guess, I was just hoping we could all get on

with our lives and learn something,

so we could climb out of this shit hole.

This shit hole is not the worst place to be.

I guess, I'm assuming you didn't flunk out.

No.

Figured, you're too smart.

Did you just lose interest?

I never really had it, to be honest.

Right, some good parties at least?

Yeah, there were a few of those.

I don't know, even then it was like people were tryna

be something out of like, an "American Pie" movie,

or something.

It's like people were playing the part of college students.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, I mean, that doesn't sound that bad, honestly.

Cool.

Sure, but give me a sixer beer, and a joint

with my old pal Hans over that any day.

Thanks.

All done with these?

Yes, please.

You okay?

Oh yeah, I mean, yes, I am.

Thank you, I needed that.

Sure did.

Could we just grab the bill?

I got it right here for you.

Oh, so efficient.

I do what I can.

I got this, it's a welcome home gift.

Aw! Thanks dude.

Of course.

Meals on wheels is going well, yeah, rich guy.

It is, it pays okay.

I mean, they really can't tell the difference between bills.

So, they always end up tipping you way too much.

And you don't tell them?

That's so dark shit dude.

No, of course I do.

But then they think it's cute that I'm being honest,

and they let me keep it.

I bet they do.

No doubt, they love having a gay delivery guy.

I mean, the only gay in the village has its upsides.

Pinball?

Heck yeah, it's like the only sport I'm good at.

Well, that and cribbage.

Cribbage?

Yeah, a lot of people I deliver to,

are elderly, white women, so we play.

Cool.

Also, Neither of those are sports.

Just let me have this, okay.

Dibs on "Star Trek".

You can have it.

Yeah, some of us have grown up since you left.

I matured to X-men.

Oh, X-men? Okay.

Okay.

Star Trek.

Abby's store not cutting for you?

Abby's store isn't really cutting it for anyone.

Oh shit! Is she closing down?

No, she can't really afford an employee right now.

Look what I found, look at these photos.

Andie, you were so gosh darn cute.

Yikes.

Excuse you.

Isn't she precious?

You look like you're autistic.

You're such a dick.

It's not funny, Dean.

I don't think it's funny either.

She looks just like me.

Oh, that must mean I have Asperger's.

You do have Asperger's.

Are you looking for a new job already?

Okay, this was not my fault.

Abby, can't afford me.

Sure.

It's true.

Jesus, look at this one.

You know I wasn't your mother's first choice, right?

Yeah, I can imagine.

It's not true.

Just knocked you up, at the right time.

Look how handsome you are.

You see, she can't even deny it.

Really Andie, drinking already.

Can you grab me one too?

Okay, I'm unemployed mom, can you just let me have one day

of day drinking please?

Thanks.

Come work for me.

Yeah, I could.

I think you're forgetting that I'm not a licensed therapist.

No, not as a therapist, as a receptionist.

Ever since Alice, went back to school.

It's been hard for me to keep up with...

Look how dumb Neil looks.

Dean, Would you stop insulting everyone,

and stop making fun of your kids.

I'm still not sure they're mine.

It's not funny.

I think it's funny.

You just be answering phones, taking payments,

and managing my calendar.

Jesus, anything else your majesty?

Well, I could always hire someone else,

and start charging you rent.

I'll take it.

I thought so.

Look at this stupid face.

Yeah, and then I told him, "You know what?

I was just born this way."

Wow! What a story.

Okay, babe, well Abby , Penny tells me

your boyfriend is in a band?

Formerly, yes.

Oh, did they break up?

Oh no, we broke up.

Oh my God I knew it, sorry dude.

It's cool, it ran its course.

Looking to find comfort in another man's arms?

My room's upstairs.

Neil, stop being gross.

It's nice right?

So how did you two meet?

Well, I mean, Oh my God look at you go.

You know this is what I miss the most,

I fucking love dinner parties.

I love your dinner parties.

Well, to answer your question.

I was in the club dancing with some friends

and he comes up behind me, grabs my ass, sorry Neil.

Oh!

Asks if I'm DTF, you all know what that means.

And then we've been together ever since.

Yeah, no, you really need to stop telling people that.

Okay.

First impression.

No, I'm a TA at VCC.

Yeah, your parents must be so proud.

Jesus Christ, Neil.

No, it's fine.

A little man with the jokes huh? all right.

All right, yeah, he's a TA in my marketing class

and I mean, let's be honest,

couldn't keep his eyes off this freshmen bod for months.

And finally, he worked up the courage to ask me out

to see some old people band.

Arcade Fire is not an old person band.

Do you make a habit of leering

at your younger students, Adam?

Well, when you put it that way, I guess I actually

do sound less creepy in Penny's story.

Cute.

I'm 25.

He's so old.

It's fine.

He's so old.

Is that what I think it is?

Here is the apple pie.

Fuck yeah.

So, I feel like a jerk.

What? Oh that's so fine, Abby, you overextended.

It happens.

Like, I should've known that I couldn't afford it

before I offered you a job, and I was getting overwhelmed.

And I just also really wanted to help you out.

I know, it's completely okay.

And Hey, I'm only working for my mom like three days a week.

So, I can come watch your store whenever you need.

Really?

Yeah.

That's what friends are for.

That's what friends are for.

That's what you sound like.

Fucking go hide in your room.

That's what I was doing anyways.

Bye Abby.

See you dude.

Pie me.

So when you are you flying out?

Tomorrow evening.

Nice.

It's a quick trip, hey.

Yeah, I haven't seen my parents since Christmas.

So, I figured it was worth skipping class one Monday.

Cool, cool, cool.

So, when are you planning on going back to school?

I don't really know that I am.

I'm just kinda figuring things out as I go, you know.

Sure, but like you have a plan, right?

No, not really.

Isn't that kind of irresponsible?

Okay, hey, why don't we go get a drink?

I'm Fine.

Okay.

Yeah, look dude, I don't know.

But I do know that I'd rather spend the next few months

or years figuring it out.

Then spending 80 grand learning about something,

I really don't give a fuck about.

Yeah, sure, and I'm not telling you what to do.

Sure you're not.

I mean, this is a crucial age.

Everything you do now affects the rest of your life.

Sure.

I just don't want you to make a decision

that'll change your trajectory.

My trajectory.

Come on you're in the Offerman.

I don't really know what that means,

but what? am I supposed to be like you

and be yet another millennial going for a business degree?

Not necessarily.

So, I can compete for unpaid internships

and maybe become an associate by 30.

Okay, forget I said anything.

Hey, let's go play some beer pong, man.

Yeah, come on, come play.

I fucking can't stand that guy.

I know.

What's wrong baby?

Fucking Neil.

I know he can be a bit of a handful.

No, I can actually handle a handful.

He's always been a handful, now he's just like mean.

Well, he's on the verge of puberty

and he's just having a hard time talking to women.

He's a dick to Dad too.

True, but your father doesn't exactly command respect.

Okay, he was being extremely rude to everyone

at my party, last night.

Like, come on, I wasn't that bad when I was that age.

Oh God, no.

Your problem years were like 14 to I'll keep you posted,

Funny.

Honey, why don't you just take him out for ice cream,

like you used, hell even bring Penny.

Okay.

Okay.

Your perspective creates your reality, hun.

Get it.

Boom! I am the stone skipping champion.

Oh yeah?

Yep, suck it up losers.

All right, no one likes a gloater, Neil.

Okay, ice cream?

Loser pays.

So you're saying you would've paid if I won.

Nope.

If you're not gonna give me Abby's number,

then I'm gonna hit on Penny.

Oh, go for it rockstar.

Penny, has a boyfriend.

Right.

Who? That widely successful guy from last night?

Come on.

You're like six.

And you don't tell someone you're gonna hit on them.

Then how do you do it?

I could use some pointers.

Are you really asking like, for someone specific?

Oh, cool.

Oh my God, who is it?

Slow my dear.

To know who it is secrecy is of the utmost importance

at this age?

Really?

Yeah, man.

Okay, you might think seeding it with a friend

is a good idea, but generally it just leads

to way more complications.

Like either they'll start liking you, for example.

Or they'll start on a rumor mill.

So, what do I do?

Just kiss her, or something.

Whoa! Who are you, Harvey Weinstein?

What Penny is trying to say is that doesn't really

fly anymore.

The game has changed.

Super, just in time for my puberty.

Yeah, okay, it does suck from that perspective,

but it kind of, only from that perspective.

But does that mean I can't hit on anyone?

is flirting, not feminist?

Wow an enlightened boy, you are.

Yes, thanks Yoda.

No, I do hear what you're saying,

but they're just two completely different issues.

Like entirely.

Like yeah, I mean there's a difference

between flirting and assault.

Yes.

So what do I do?

Well, do you think she knows?

I don't know.

Have you like caught her eye, a few times?

Yeah, and did you like look away fast?

Good, okay, that's good.

Stage one is good.

The next part's gonna be harder.

You're gonna have to talk to her, alone.

How do I do that?

I think you'll be surprised, if you're both interested.

It's just gonna happen.

But, the key is, you need to make that happen soon.

Once eye contact is engaged, time is of the essence.

Yes, and ask her about herself, be interested.

Okay, cool, Penny, can we talk in private, please?

Oh my God.

Oh God no, and don't smile like that at her.

Fuck so, you're a little asshole.

God, I miss you guys.

And then we just deal out the cards

and we put the markers into the board.

That's my favorite part.

Oh, you just like putting pointy things into tight holes.

And then we just deal out four cards.

And we call that the crib.

Yeah, I know that.

I read it on the internet, you didn't think I'd show up here

with a bunch of pros and not do my research.

All right then.

Would you knock that off, T?

Knock what off?

You know exactly what you need to knock off.

He's not home.

Who's not home?

Mr. Daniels.

Who's Mr. Daniels?

Only the most eligible widower on

this side of main street.

Possibly the whole city.

And why would you think a man of that caliber

would be interested in you?

How exactly did you know he wasn't home?

unless you were doing exactly the same thing, this morning.

We were talking.

Oh, you were just talking? And you were just conveniently

outside, when he was leaving.

I was having my morning coffee.

And you probably poured him a cup of that premium shit

that I paid for.

Just being a good neighbor.

You could learn a thing or two.

I'm being a good neighbor in other ways.

And what way is that? Being the neighborhood tricycle?

Don't be mad at me just because I've had more

than one sexual partner in the past 50 years.

Okay, ladies, Mrs Tremblay enough with the slut-shaming.

Miss Tremblay, is an independent woman.

She can sleep with whoever she wants.

Oh, don't worry, she does.

Hey, you heard her.

Okay, we need to come up with a solution here.

And what do you have in mind?

I don't know, maybe you can share him.

With her, please.

Her body hasn't exactly kept up.

Oh, ha ha ha let's get this game going.

So, have you guys always lived together?

Oh no, I just moved in, recently.

Not recently enough.

It's been almost two years since she's been invading

my personal space.

That long already?

She's been counting.

She thinks, I need company.

She's scared I'm gonna turn into an old cook

without Michael.

Yeah, turn into.

And Micheal is?

My husband.

Oh, of course, I'm sorry.

Don't be, I killed him.

I joke, it was cancer.

The bastard smoked a pack a day for 50 years.

You know you can't do that to people.

You have got crazy eyes Tremblay.

One of these days, you're gonna do that,

and somebody's gonna believe you, and lock you up.

Can you imagine? Orange is not her color.

Oh, suck a Dick.

That's why I'm always on this guy, when he's smoking.

I don't smoke.

Oh please.

You don't think I can tell when you're working high?

We lived through the 60s.

It's not the same as cigarettes.

You know that can't be true.

Okay, Well would you prefer that I vape?

Oh, please, so you can look like a giant fucking douche

no thank you.

How'd you two meet?

Womb mates, roommates, will end up being two mates.

I actually meant how'd you and Michael meet?

Michael, now that's a story.

He was just home from the war.

World war two?

Vietnam, how old do you think we are?

Well, you know what soldiers can be like.

We tried to play the twin thing on 'em a few times,

but well...

He only had eyes for you.

She has slutty eyes.

Well it was really awesome meeting you guys.

It's nice to finally put faces to names.

Oh, it's a pleasure hun.

When the fax for humoring tool cooks.

Do you guys wanna do this again next Thursday?

Don't say things you don't mean, we'll hold you to it.

No, let's let's do it.

I mean, this could be like a weekly cribbage club you know?

When you say it that sounds lame.

All right, next Thursday, it is.

You know something, sweetie?

If you weren't queer, you'd have a steady ready.

We need to find a man, for this man.

Don't say queer.

No, that's the good word now.

That can't be true.

No, she's right.

I learn something new every day.

Well, I hear Mr. Daniels is available.

Watch it.

I'm sorry, all right.

Bye Miss Tremblay, bye Mrs Tremblay, See you Thursday.

Have a good night you too.

How much money did Miss Tremblay slide to you?

$50, she said to buy you something nice.

Buy me something nice? . Cute.

You were so close, you really were.

You know, I'm not as good at cribbage as I said I was.

I know.

Should we like get dinner or something?

Instead of just drinking Jean's money away?

We could gamble it away.

I think the Tremblays would be proud.

I think they would.

I think they'd be very proud.

Yeah, definitely gambling hoes.

Well, this is how I spend our last dollar.

I mean, we do have more money, like our own money.

It feels more badass this way.

Totally.

You should do it.

You should do this.

Well?

We just won $20.

$20?.

What could we invest in?

More tabs.

More tabs?

Oh my God, yes.

How do you tell your kids who think you're

their hero that you're gay?

I know it's 2018, but what nine or 10 year old wants to hear

that their dad is someone totally different.

I'm hearing a lot of fear.

Yeah, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of losing them.

I love them so much.

I don't feel I have a right to, you don't have kids.

And get to change your mind about your family.

Ben, I'm hearing a lot of fear.

I'm also hearing a lot of love from a devoted father, Ben.

Thank you, Karen.

You're doing a great job in a really hard situation.

I see Andie's back.

I'm getting a sense that you're wanting

to wrap things up for today?

Is that on track?

If by wrap up, you mean put it in its box

lock it 10 times.

Clamp it down, yeah.

Unitl this exact time next week?

Then yes.

Okay, and yes.

Andie's back.

Ah, don't worry, she's a special one.

She'll be okay.

Yeah.

Bike smooth, Karen.

Hey, Andie.

Feeling cured Mr?

Yeah, I think that's it for me.

Cool, I'll just cancel all your next sessions.

Absolutely not, no.

So? How's your new crop of students?

I mean they're not you guys, but they're not bad, I guess.

I mean, I'm drinking more but that's probably

not their fault.

How do you feel about.. Do you wanna get a beer later?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah?

Why not?

Do you like the Hallway?

Do you know that place?

Of course, I know you the Hallway.

Cool I fucking love that place.

Sweet, so I'll see you there like, 8:00 p.m.

8:00 p.m. great.

Awesome.

Catch you then.

Yeah, see you then, hilarious.

Oh, you owe me money.

Ooh, I forgot my wallet.

Oh!

Ah! Just kidding.

Cool Mr. A with his jokes, there you go.

Thanks, Andie, catch you later.

Bye.

Welcome home.

Thank you, yeah.

So this is weird, right?

No, I don't think it's weird.

Like I think of it this way,

I've got other friends in their 30s.

Someone just happened to teach us to kill mockingbird.

Be normal.

Normal.

Hey, I hope we didn't keep you waiting too long.

Not at all, I have beer to keep me company.

I'm glad.

Hey, Hans.

Hey, Mr. Anderson.

I think if we're gonna be hanging out socially

you should call me Ben.

Right, yeah, Ben.

No, Mr A. I'm sticking with Mr A.

That's way too weird.

Like first name Mr. last name, Anderson.

Ben, does not exist to me.

Okay, fair enough.

How weird is that.

No, but I'm sure no one's lived up

to the theater legend of Hans, right?

No one understudies quite like you, dude.

So Hans, I caught up with Andie, a little earlier.

What's been going on with you?

Oh, not much, just been working, skateboarding.

Getting high.

Please, like I didn't know you were getting stoned

every day in class.

I mean, to be fair, it was more like three days a week.

So.

Are you dating anyone?

What?

Sparks flying?

When?

Well, I assume that means you overheard

a confidential conversation I had with your mom.

Maybe.

I'm married Andie.

And while I'm figuring this out

I respect that and I respect my wife.

Do you really think I want my first sexual experience

with a man to be with Hans?

No offense, dude.

None, taken.

I'm not really a first choice kinda guy.

I'm sorry.

I was just completely out of line.

You were.

But I just want you to be happy

and I think you'd be a lot happier if you came out.

That is not for you to decide Andie.

Look, overall I had a lot of fun this evening.

And let's just pretend the last two minutes didn't happen.

Okay?

Yes, please.

But I got to get back to the fam, first round's on me.

So how's everything?

Super, thank you.

Just remembering why I don't hang around

with 20 year olds anymore.

I'm not gay.

Shut up.

No, seriously.

What?

You were the only openly gay kid in our class.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, so you're saying, you're not attracted

to men anymore?

No, like I never was.

Your coming out video went like viral.

All through elementary school people made fun of me

for being bad at sports,

or being in band or whatever, you know.

Sure.

So the summer before high school

I visited my family in Montreal, my cousin Vince, he's gay.

And he gave me the idea.

Your gay cousin tells you to pretend to be gay.

No, Jesus Christ, not like that.

No, he was, you know,

and he's like the coolest guy that I know.

And it was 2012, and Frank Ocean had just come out

and I don't know, being gay was kind of cool.

So I figured if I pretended to be gay just for high school,

maybe I wouldn't get laid or whatever.

But maybe I could be cool.

Wow, So I guess that worked out for you hey?

I mean, yeah, I was fucking prom king, but I also thought

that I would be out of this town right after I graduated,

and never come back, so.

It's not fucking funny.

I mean it kind of is.

I guess.

I don't expect you to understand.

You've always had a thing.

What do you mean?

Come on, you're Andie Offerman.

Yeah, I'm Andie Offerman, the girl who

can't finish her first year of university.

The girl who can't keep a job and has absolutely,

no direction in life.

Everybody knows you're destined for great things.

Andie you're special.

Yeah, people have been saying shit like that for probably,

as long as I can remember.

You know that I like have something special.

But Hans I'm not good at anything.

Who knows, maybe special

is just another word for obnoxious.

I think you're special.

Sorry.

Don't, don't be.

Is this your first time seeing boobs?

Hey Andie, I can't figure out how to...

Oh, my mistake.

Shit, fuck shit.

Hans it's fine.

No, it's not.

Where are you going?

I have to go apologize man to man.

No.

Yes, I do.

Hans, you really, don't.

Mr. Offerman, I'm not sure if you remember me, but...

Sure, I do, Hans.

Right, Hans, that's me good.

Okay, I'm so sorry that you just saw, what you just saw.

I just want you to know that I have the best of intentions

with your daughter.

We were drinking a little bit, like not too much,

but we were drinking a little bit.

And Mr. Anderson was there.

He wasn't there, upstairs just now, right.

But he was at the bar with us and anyways, you know

one thing led to another, and next thing you know...

You were trying to fuck my daughter.

I'm so sorry, again.

I have nothing but respect for your daughter,

and I would never do anything, to harm her.

I was raised by a single mother, so I respect women so much.

Okay.

Okay.

I may have the best intentions with your daughter.

Are you done? you're the worst.

Maybe next time knock before entering a room.

Where do you even find these guys?

Also I thought, he was gay.

Yeah, so did I.

What the fuck...

Don't even.

Andrea Offerman.

What the hell do you think you're doing

meddling with one of my clients?

Oh!

Don't you oh me, you eavesdropped on sensitive information

and then tried to help one of my clients come out.

He's my teacher too.

Mr. Anderson?

That is bullshit.

You should not have listened.

And you sure as hell shouldn't have approached him about it.

I'm sorry.

Do you understand how unprofessional this makes me look?

I'm sorry.

You bet your ass you're sorry.

It's not like nobody knows, everyone guessed it.

You're on your own kiddo.

Damn straight she is.

His wife and family don't know, but you thought

every teacher was gay.

So, that's no surprise.

Mom.

I almost lost him as a client.

And he's in a very vulnerable position right now.

Mom, I'm sorry.

You're fired is what you are.

Fine.

It is really time, that you learned that your choices

have consequences, drop out of college,

and expect the world is gonna take care of you.

Well, you have to take care of yourself from now on

young lady.

I wanna charge you rent, $50, no, $100 a week.

Rent, are you kidding?

No, do every Friday, starting this Friday.

No more supporting a slerk.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I know what you're gonna say,

you're gonna say, it was too hard on Andie.

But she's got to learn that her actions have consequences.

That's not what I was gonna say.

I mean, I do think that though.

Then what is it?

Sometimes you are so focused on people being stable,

that you don't see them for who they are.

People?

Andie, me.

I want you to see me.

I do see you.

That's not what I mean.

What do you mean then?

You need to articulate your feelings dear.

You met me at my prime.

I was an acclaimed playwright.

And I know you think I'm not living up to that.

I just know what you're both capable of.

Are you ever gonna see me?

Not who you think I could be, just me as I am

and think that that's enough?

Karen?

I don't know.

You look a little nervous, kiddo.

Nah, yeah, I guess I am.

I haven't seen you like this in a while, long while.

Do you think this is a good idea?

Look what happened with mom.

This is the arts.

Everyone knows everyone's business.

Okay, is there anything I need to know before going in?

Heck yeah, but I'm not gonna tell you that.

Crew will take care of you.

You gotta stand on your own two feet Miss Business lady.

Come on.

Hi, Dean.

Hey man.

This must be Andie.

I sure as heck am Liam, a pleasure I'm sure.

Charmed.

So what can I do, where do you need me?

Enthusiastic, I like that.

Well, we're gonna start with this.

It's supposed to be a boat, a damn minimalist

obscure directors.

Making my life hard all the time.

So I don't know, I mean, Dean wants this to be a boat.

So, right now it's looking more like a bunch of rags

hanging out in space.

It really does.

Yeah, Right?

So, I don't really know what to do with it.

We get some old iron fittings.

Couple of ropes, not many.

What are those wooden handle things,

that attach ropes on to big ships?

Cleats.

Yeah.

I was thinking of the same thing.

It's like, you read my mind.

Would you like to start with a shopping trip?

Oh, that'd be perfect.

It's a start.

We could even like, I wasn't thinking of these ones

but like something that looks more like this.

A little bit old school?

Yeah, like whenever we get, if we bought a new,

could we make it look a little older,

we like rub it in dirt or something.

Yeah, we do that all the time.

Okay.

I was thinking maybe we bring this up a little bit.

So, it's filling the space a little more

and we can run some of these rags up

to make it look more like a sail?

Sail, yeah.

You are reading my mind, this might work.

Hello?

Hey dude, good day?

Hungry?

Cool, we're downstairs if wanna join us.

Is Neil, eating?

I don't think so, he's in a mood, I think.

Stop talking about me.

Yeah, who knows, maybe I won't get fired

from this job after a week.

Wow, that would be an accomplishment.

Shut up.

What's up with you, you're acting kinda weird.

Oh no,

okay.

It's not personal at all.

No, yeah, right.

I think one day we could for sure have

I don't know a thing?

You do?

Yeah, don't you?

No, I mean, yeah totally.

I just, fuck I'm in this weird transitional period and...

No, yeah, I know it's okay.

I get it Andie.

Okay, you're the best.

But If we did have sex you'd probably

be singing a different tune right now.

That's all I'm saying.

Would I?

I mean, they don't call me the love machine, for nothing.

You're right, they do call you that.

Yeah, they do, so.

I know, I got laid a lot in high school.

That's my cat.

What?

I'm sorry, but I'm almost positive.

But it's my cat, Alexander, Alexander Hamilton?

Nope, not Alexander, actually it's, Karen. Karen the cat.

Nah, here's my wallpaper.

Okay, he looks kinda similar.

I see it. Do you see it?

I don't really see it.

Mommy's here.

I don't know who you are.

There he is my Alexander.

No more lost.

There you go here, go inside.

Thank you so much.

Of course.

I brought some his food, for you.

That's so nice of you.

I noticed she wasn't really a big fan

of the kibble I was buying.

So, I started doing raw food about a month ago.

It looks like your captor is a fancy lady.

Were you eating fancy lady food?

We're really more of a kibble household.

Of course, we should get going.

Oh! Don't let nappy heads out.

Thanks.

I still hate your guts.

Obviously.

Dad's heartbroken.

I might use this opportunity to move into the

number one spot.

I'd be disappointed if you didn't.

But I'm sorry about Karen.

Thanks, Neil.

Oh, fuck!

Look ma, If Wiliam Golding wanted us to read

into his writing, looking for other meaning,

then he would've just written it.

I mean, he's a writer.

Well, that is the point of metaphor.

Pointless if you ask me.

Anyway "an island of children" sounds terrible.

Most of the kids I know are dicks.

Neil, please do not talk like that at the table.

Well, I guess that explains the plethora of friends

that are calling on you.

Do you guys hear that?

Yeah, what is that?

Phil Collins or Peter Gabriel.

Neither.

I don't know who that is.

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ I lose myself in your eyes ♪

♪ It look so beautiful your eyes ♪

♪ Make my heart beat your eyes ♪

♪ Really fast your eyes ♪

♪ Really want this moment to last ♪

♪ I know that didn't end with your eyes ♪

♪ But I had your cat your eyes ♪

♪ Come get your cat from me ♪

♪ I stole Karen back ♪

What the shit?

I am divorcing this family.

Karen. Where did you find her?

I stole him back.

Him?

Oh yeah, Dad, Karen's a him.

I don't care less, so good to have you back.

Hans, why, how?

She had like six cats, and she almost lost one

while we were there.

So, I figured, screw it.

He'll probably have a better life here.

You're amazing.

Hans, what was that, you were singing?

It's the song from "say anything"

I thought it'd be romantic.

It's not, not the song though,

that was romantic.

Is it not?

No, dear, that's not a real song.

Close though.

I thought Andie told you she wasn't interested.

Neil.

Shut up Neil.

Hey, let's go inside okay?

But like, he's right.

Come in for a beer Hans.

Yes, please do.

Hans.

I know, I thought it was worth a shot, you know?

Was a good shot.

Who knows?

Might work yet.

No, I'm sorry, I was trying to be nice.

You're fine.

You wanna come in for a beer?

Come on, you're the hero of the day.

Even fucking Dean, thinks so.

Okay, I mean, if you're gonna twist my arm about it,

then fine.

You're really bad at singing.

I know.

Is that a gay thing.

You're right, he is the bomb.

Yeah, he's really like, helpful.

Like he hasn't tried any of that lame

get me a lefty hammer shit.

He's been with me for a long time,

ever since the big play.

So how'd you write your play?

And I don't want your playbill answer?

It's nice to think about it like, properly again.

I mean, it's always there, but I don't go back

into it, really if that makes sense.

I guess, well, here goes.

Hemingway, once said,

"All you have to do is write one true sentence."

Just write the truest sentence that you know.

So pretentious.

You asked.

Carry on.

So I did, took me about two months

to write that one sentence.

Your mom and I were broke as fuck, but she was great

about it, always.

But I finally got it down.

I'll never forget that moment.

I was sitting at our little kitchenette counter

drinking, cooled shitty coffee.

I got it down and I couldn't find a single fault in it.

And from there, it's hard to describe

because it takes life.

You know, it doesn't just roll, it garners life.

That's it really, it was one deeply true sentence.

That garnered life.

Wow, that's really cool dad.

Thanks.

But...

But?

Have you ever tried?

What?

I don't know, writing a story?

I guess, I should give it a shot.

Yeah, maybe then it wouldn't be 15 years

since your last original play.

I could use another beer.

Okay, yeah me too.

Why do you ask, fancy giving it a stab?

Nope.

I think you'd be good though.

Maybe, but I am rapidly learning

that potential is only the start of the story.

Preach.

You should though.

What?

Write again.

I do, write.

I mean, really write.

I'm gonna take my beer, and Karen for a walk.

Karen?

Mom.

The cat, it's okay mom.

And I think I can have it up before Christmas.

That's so great, Dean.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

I knew you had another one in you.

What?

Another play.

Oh, so you think this is all because of you?

No, I think it's all because of you.

I just helped push you along.

No.

Okay. Okay.

Fuck, I just happened to be struck by inspiration

and it just so happened to be at the same time

that you're disapproving hovering was at an all-time high.

I do not hover.

Okay.

Dean, stop acting like a child.

I'm not, I'm just saying,

I don't want you to take credit for my inspiration.

Nobody is taking any credit.

Okay.

Okay.

Mr. Daniels comes here tonight.

I'm gonna save a space for him here,

and he can be the rose between two thorns.

He can be the rose between two thorns.

He'll sit beside me.

I'm telling you he can have a twofer.

Do you even know what that means.

I do.

Here, thanks for coming.

Thanks.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hey.

Working the door aye.

Yeah, that and everything else,

I'm really a good daughter.

How are you feeling?

Good, I'm excited.

I think they're gonna kill it.

You wanna hang out after the show?

Well, I'm actually gonna get a drink with the crew,

but you guys are welcome to come.

Yeah, sounds good.

Yeah, get in there.

It's gonna really fill out.

Yeah, okay, oh my God.

See you later.

Bye.

Hey, thanks so much for coming.

Nervous?

Very.

You shouldn't be.

If I wasn't I shouldn't be doing this.

You know, this is about you.

Yeah, I know dad.

It's super obvious.

Oh, right.

Like I even thought that was an unspoken thing.

Cool.

Like you could've fucking cast me, but whatever.

We both know you would have been terrible.

I know this last year, hasn't been easy for you,

but I'm proud of you.

You're putting the work in.

The work?

You're figuring your shit out.

Just you don't have to finish figuring it out now.

Thanks dad.

Anyway, I'm nervous as hell.

You wanna go smoke a joint?

Don't tell your mother.

Who do you think I am, Neil?

Hey, what's up.

Hey, thanks for coming take one of these

everyone's in there, go.

Okay.

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