Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by Acorn Media

The possibility that a large woman

might one day swallow a small clergyman

is one that has always appealed to me.

My mind first started wandering in this direction

one day in the zoo,

while I stood watching a huge snake

swallowing a live rat.

The rat didn't wish to be swallowed; he was against it.

But the snake had hypnotized him, so he had no chance,

and down he went.

The keeper told me it would take the snake 5 days

to digest the rat,

and that's when I got to wondering how long

a large woman would take to digest a clergyman

with all his clothes on if he were not too big.

That, of course, would depend on the woman,

but I know one or two who could have him for breakfast

and still feel hungry at the end of it.

[Organ playing]

VICAR: "Every man that striveth for the mastery

"is temperate in all things.

"I keep under my body

"lest that by any means when I have preached to others

I myself should be a castaway."

This in Paul's First Epistle to the Corinthians,

Chapter 9, Verses 25 and 27.

Dearly beloved...

Dearly beloved,

in this age of permissiveness...

Saint Paul is sadly out of fashion.

I could eat him, couldn't you?

Edith.

Good day. Good day.

Ah. Miss Elphinstone.

Glorious flower arrangements, as usual.

The secret is to get a grip on the stalks, Vicar.

Quite.

Good morning to you. Good day.

Good day. Nice to see you.

A small token, Vicar,

from a spinster of this parish.

Oh, Miss Unwin, how very kind.

Oh!

No harm done.

No, quite.

They are meant to go on the floor, aren't they?

Good day to you now.

Steady, steady, boys, steady.

Vicar, may I introduce my niece Mrs. Roach?

Julia.

How do you do?

Challenging sermon, Vicar.

Julia's staying with us for a few weeks.

Her husband's in the States on business.

Well, that's his story, anyway.

Oh, quite.

Don't forget my tennis party on Saturday.

I'm counting on you for the mixed doubles.

Well, I'm rather a...

rabbit, I'm afraid, Lady Birdwell.

Oh, but I adore rabbits. I've bagged you already.

Oh, well, with Julia as your partner,

you're bound to win.

Come along, darling.

Should I lock up, Vicar?

No, no, I'll lock up.

You forgot last week.

Yes. Yes. Well, that was because--

How is your rash, Vicar?

Oh, it, um, it comes and goes.

Our lad had that.

Giant urticaria, they call it.

Nerves.

He got over it

once he was courting regular.

Good day.

VICAR: � O, Jesus, think on me �

� And purge away my sins �

� From earth borne passion �

� Set me free and make me pure within �

WOMAN: Georgy! Georgy!

� O, Jesus, think on �

� Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie �

[Hands press keys] Georgy!

Georgy Porgy!

Yes, Mummy?

Don't call him Georgy Porgy, dear.

You'll give the boy a complex.

Basically, Georgy Porgy,

your father is a timorous man...

like all socialists.

Taste my sherry.

It's very dry.

Clare!

It's called manzanilla.

He's too young for alcohol.

He doesn't need that kind of stimulus.

Don't be frightened, Georgy.

Drink it.

A child must experience everything, Boris.

Everything, without shame.

[Coughs, spits]

Oh, you've ruined my skirt.

You stupid child.

I'm sorry.

You're just like your father.

Hopeless.

Because it's Sunday, Georgy,

I'm going to tell you about Mohammed.

Clare, we'll be late for the Humanists.

Oh, humanism can wait, Boris.

Our pudding and pie needs to know about every religion,

so he has a choice when he grows up.

Now, Georgy, if you must have a religion,

and I'm not saying that you must,

then I suppose Mohammedism is as good as any.

CLARE: It's all based on keeping healthy.

You can have lots of wives, but you must never smoke.

GEORGY: Why not, Mummy?

Because, if you have lots of wives,

you have to be virile, Georgy.

What's "virile"?

Being full of bounce in bed,

like this.

I do that, by myself sometimes.

Well, when you're married, you'll both do it.

Bounce, Georgy, bounce! There! Ha ha ha!

Clare, please!

Oh, I think your father's jealous.

Oh, what a pet you are. Mmm, scrumptious!

Mummy.

Another thing about Mohammed is that--

oh, we'll do it on the rug.

Clare, we're late!

CLARE: Come on, pudding, over here.

Now, we're supposed to be facing east.

Clare!

Oh, don't nag, Boris.

And Mohammed never gets constipated.

Stick to the facts, Clare.

You ought to be doing this, not us.

If only you bent over

and touched the ground with your forehead.

CLARE: Come on, Georgy.

They do it morning, noon, and night,

facing Mecca,

and that's why they never get constipated.

[Giggles] Unlike your father.

YOUNG GEORGY, VOICE-OVER: Please, Mummy,

can't I have a story, just once,

as it's my birthday?

Darling, you know perfectly well

I don't tell stories.

I don't believe in stories.

Just for once. Dearest pudding,

the world is much too wonderful

to bother with stories.

Let's look at your new book together, shall we?

Now?

It tells how Daddy and I made you.

I know.

Oh.

There's been whispering at school, has there?

Dirty little sniggers in corners.

GEORGY: No.

Well, this book makes it all clear

and aboveboard, pudding.

There.

WOMAN: Aaah!

Blanche! He's got rats!

They're hamsters!

He confiscated them

from the choirboys.

I-I didn't want my garden doing.

God preserve me from the spinsters of this parish.

Vicar! Doesn't it look better?

So much bigger with the grass cut?

Oh, everywhere, so parched.

Hey!

Ooh! I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

Quite refreshing. Just what I needed.

Nothing like a cold shower, Vicar.

EDITH: Tea time, girls!

Where is he?

I hope you don't mind. I borrowed your bib.

It's tea time.

Won't you join us?

Oh, I know you bachelors.

You never eat a thing.

Georgy Porgy.

Wake up, Georgy Porgy. Wake up.

Josephine has just started

having her babies.

It's a perfect opportunity.

You can watch the whole process.

I don't want to.

Don't argue, pudding. Come on.

Stop it, Napoleon. Josephine's busy.

It's all because of you.

Silly girl.

She's trying to hide the baby from us.

Go around the other side, Georgy.

You can see better.

CLARE: See how she's washing the baby?

Now, just imagine, my pet,

that the baby is you

and Josephine is me.

Isn't it funny to think I used to do

almost exactly the same thing to you once?

Oh, look.

She's fondling it...

and kissing it all over.

There.

She's really kissing it now, isn't she?

Exactly like you and me.

She's eating it.

Mummy, she's eating it!

My darling.

No!

Georgy!

Eating me. Georgy!

Wait! Darling!

Georgy!

[Honking]

[Screaming, brakes screech]

[Silence]

Do have one, George.

May I call you George?

MISS UNWIN: Mmm.

Delicious, Edith!

I--I think not, thank you.

Why do you keep hamsters, George?

They scare poor Miss Unwin stiff.

One of the choirboys--

Are they male or female?

Predominantly... female, I think.

Mmm. You really should have one, George.

You look sort of hungry.

Ex-excuse me.

Where's he gone now?

JULIA: Call of nature, I suppose.

It's not my fault.

[Sobbing]

It's not my fault.

You know, someone should really take him in hand.

Your old Meccano, eh?

Yes, I had to soak it in oil to loosen the nuts.

These are the ladies?

That's right. This is Miss Elphinstone,

the plump one is Miss Unwin,

and the rather sleek one is Julia Roach.

Well, at least that's how I like to think of them.

They ain't had no who's-your-father

for a week, right?

No, indeed.

And what do you call that big bloke

in the other end?

George. Male.

That's sort of me.

Oh, is he? Ah.

Now, the big question is,

will the females go for the male

or for the nuts and raisins?

Why do you want to know, Vicar?

It's just an experiment, Mr. Pollard.

I'll lay you they go for the food.

Grub first, then nookie, eh?

Well, I can see that you're a sporting man, Mr. Pollard.

Right.

We'll let them go, shall we?

On your marks, ladies.

Well, bloomey!

For you, Vicar. You were right.

Dare I suggest that you donate it

to the fabric fund, Mr. Pollard?

Right. My pleasure. I'll do that right away.

Well, George,

our reward is knowing that females

really are more lascivious than the male.

When it was your turn, you went for the nuts and raisins.

I know where I stand now.

Thank you, George.

Point proved.

My advantage, I think.

[Plays note on harpsichord]

� Mmm �

� If I had meant well �

� Meant well �

� If I had meant well �

� God will reward me �

[Clock tower chiming]

Julia.

Yes?

The vicar's considering if he dare take a sip

of our fruit cup.

Oh. It's scrumptious!

Uh...no. Lemonade, I think.

Oh, George, this is so much better for you

than fizzy lemonade.

Carbon dioxide attacks the lining of the stomach.

Didn't you know?

Really?

Don't be frightened, George. Drink it.

Don't be frightened, Georgy. Drink it.

Not too sticky for you, Vicar?

We don't eat the mint.

Or the cucumber.

That's his third.

[Giggling]

Is something amusing?

Mens sana in corpore sano.

[Giggling]

Are you all right, George?

Yes, perfect. I...

I may sing a song.

He's feeling happy.

Tremendous nectar.

George. Hmm?

Why don't you and I take a little...

walk outside and see the lupines,

clear our heads?

Fine. Lovely.

[Edith chuckling]

I'm sure Julia can help him,

if anyone can.

We can cool off in the boathouse.

I'm cool as a cucumber.

[Giggles]

A little touch on the tiller, George,

just to keep us on-course.

You're a very understanding woman, Julia.

JULIA: Relax, George.

So nice here.

Relax.

It's not a fantasy.

I'd...I'd quite like to touch your ear.

Oh?

Do.

Mmm.

Why don't you kiss me, George?

Kiss me, George.

Don't be a rabbit.

YOUNG GEORGE, VOICE-OVER: She's eating it.

Mummy! She's eating it!

My darling.

[Screaming]

No!

[Whimpering]

No!

No!

No! I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to eat me, aren't you?

Eat me, eat me, eat me!

[Julia gasping]

[Silence]

[Rapid footsteps approaching]

Mummy.

Mummy.

No. Go away.

Go away!

Mummy!

Darling!

Swallowing me!

ADULT GEORGE: Mummy! You're swallowing me!

CLARE: Georgy!

[Brakes screech, Clare screams]

MAN: Morning, George.

And where are we today?

In the primary section

of the duodenal loop

just above her right kidney.

I believe we can escape.

But... I don't want to escape.

My dear vicar.

Why ever not?

Because they're chasing me.

Who?

Not telling.

Nobody's chasing you.

Oh, yes they are, and I...

I bet they're chasing you, as well,

only you're too scared to admit it.

No.

Well, then, why do you keep coming down here, then?

I bet you were with Julia, as well,

and got yourself swallowed up just like I did.

And you're ashamed about it. I'm not.

Anyway...

it's nice and comfortable down here.

It's warm and... it's safe and soft.

Listen...

you--you won't tell her where I'm hiding, will you?

Tell who, George?

Mummy.

Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play,

Georgy Porgy...

ran away.

Captioning made possible by Acorn Media

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute --www.ncicap.org---