All language subtitles for Whitney s01e13 Codependence Day.eng

Whit, don't do this, all right?

Taking pictures at a crime scene?

It's creepy.

Staring at a lifeless body
with dead eyes.

It's going to be fine.
I've shot models before.

Come on, there has to be
other jobs out there.

There's not.
Okay?

I used to shoot, like,
three weddings a month,

but people just do not
hire photographers anymore.

They just use their iPhone
or that hipstamatic thing

that makes everybody
look like Chloe Sevigny.

It's a really tough time right now.

No, it's been like this for awhile,

and I have nothing
lined up after this.

Look, you're putting
too much pressure on yourself.

Why don't you let me pay your bills

- until things pick up?
- No.

I mean, thank you.

But I do not want to rely on you.

I don't want us turning
into ice-t and coco.

That's actually impossible
for several different reasons.

Well, not several.
Just two, in particular.

When I start making money again,

that is going to change.

I meant your ass.

Whitney is taped

in front of a live,
studio audience. So...

Hey, Whitney.

Hey.

Thanks for hooking me up
with this job.

No problem.

Okay, now the first time
you a dead body, it's weird.

So just think of it
like a horror movie,

except the blood is real
and someone's very sad.

Okay, this is dark.

I don't know how you do this.

Yeah, I cry at really weird times.

Aren't you cold, where's your jacket?

I rushed out of the house.

I hooked up with this girl last night

and I didn't want to talk to her,

so I had to sneak out.

Mark, don't be a douche.

She said, "supposably."

You've got to stop
picking up girls at forever 21.

I know.

Uh, so you need to get close-ups

of the contusions, the evidence,
and the surrounding pavement.

Uch, this is so sad.

How long has this guy
been dead, like two weeks?

The victim's right over there.

All of the assistants
I interviewed today sucked.

I hope I have an assistant one day.

But I have a blog,
so that probably won't happen.

There was one guy
who was totally qualified,

but way too good looking.

I mean, I learned my lesson.

Sue me twice, shame on me.

- Shabbat shalom.
- Hey, Shabbat shalom.

Sorry I'm late.

I was uploading photos I took
of a dead guy with no head.

Ooh, are you making
a coffee table book?

I am not, I was shooting
a crime scene for 85 bucks.

Because this is what
my career has come to.

It's, like, it's so depressing.

I'm just so sick of the
constant hustle and being broke.

Roxanne, don't you know
of any job openings?

- You mean to be my assistant?
- Yeah.

I'll take it.

Hold on, slow down.

You have never even
worked in an office before.

It's very intense.

People are competitive and political.

There's lots of back stabbing.

Okay, Roxanne, you don't have
to sell me on it.

I said I want the job.

Is this your only option?

I mean, are you sure there's
nothing else you could do?

I used to work at a bar.

No, no, no, I cannot
see you in those shorts again.

Okay, fine.
Do you have any experience?

Being your assistant?

I always make
our dinner reservations.

I always pick your karaoke song.

And I gave you all my
painkillers after my root canal.

You got the job.

Yes!

Wait, is there a drug test involved?

- No.
- Yes!

? Oh when the saints
go marching in ?

Oh, my God.
Jenn, I, uh, I just, uh...

I just worked a 14-hour shift,

and you are right where
I left you, in my apartment.

And you are wearing
my '88 all-star sweatshirt

that you somehow
got out of the frame.

I was cold.

Well, so, you probably
have plans tonight,

and I don't want to keep you, so...

Aw, you're so sweet,
but I'm totally free.

Hey, I was trying to use
your computer earlier,

but I couldn't figure out

which wireless network we're on.

Are you "Netgear,"
"Nate's coffee," or

"balls to the wall"?

It's "Nate's coffee."
There's a one-hour time limit.

Okay, great.

So what do you want to do tonight?

It's supposed to rain.
Supposably.

You know, um, I was just
going to kick it here.

Because I actually have to get up

really early in the morning, so...

Even better, yeah.

Let's stay in and get
cozy-coze on the couch.

We are so on the same page.

Are you a cancer?

Nope.
But I think you might be.

Whit, did you make coffee?

No, I did not make coffee,

because I will be
going to my new job today

where they have free coffee.

Which you will be making,

because you are an assistant.

I will be doing
plenty more than that.

Won't I?
I mean, I don't know.

I've never had an office job before.

I've only seen the show, The Office,

so I can only assume
my day will be hilarious.

Are you nervous?
About being home alone all day

without me here to take care of you?

Oh, please.
I'll be fine.

Okay.

All right.

Coffee time.
Time for coffee.

Oh.

Where the hell is the coffee?

All right, so this is your desk.

Wow.

And this is your chair.

No. Ah, I am so excited
to be working with you.

Me too.

I mean, technically
you'll be working for me,

but it is going to be fun.

Basically, you will answer the phone,

spy on my enemy, and do some filing.

I'm sorry, what was the second one?

I have an enemy.

- Okay.
- It's this guy, Craig.

I do the print
edition of the magazine,

Craig does the online part.

And we don't like the online part.

Okay.
Why?

I work on an issue for months,

and he uploads something in a day

which unravels
everything I've been doing.

Like, right now,
I'm trying to work on

the Valentine's day issue,

and I don't have any idea
what he's got planned.

So you want me
to do a little office recon?

Roxanne, spying on guys
is, like, my thing.

When we first started dating,

Alex almost broke up
with me for snooping,

and he doesn't even know
that I know that.

You can start by
spying on his assistant.

- Morning, Lindsay.
- Roxanne.

Hi.

No.

Hey, I'm working right now.

Yeah, I'll probably
be here late tonight.

Big kiss.
Bye.

Is that your boyfriend?

Girlfriend.

Oh, cool.

I'm gay too.

I know.

You know, we should
grab a drink sometime.

Oh, you're not my type.

No, sorry.
I meant just as friends.

Still not my type.

You know, I was thinking,
like, maybe just as co-workers.

You know, we could talk
about work stuff,

and, you know, what we're working on

for the Valentine's day thing or...

I'm not physically attracted
to you in that way.

I'm really sorry. I don't
get the whole thing, I don't...

Oh, okay.
Um, no, I was just...

You don't have to worry,

because I actually
have a girlfriend, so...

Her name's Alex, you know.

Long hair, wears a lot of flannel,

doesn't really shave much.

Okay, you're not going
to stop talking

until I agree to get drinks with you?

Oh, I'm sorry.
My mouth just doesn't stop.

Maybe you are my type.

Hey.

Found a waffle iron.

Great, why are you making waffles

in the middle of the afternoon?

No, I'm not.
I'm just trying

to figure out where
Whitney keeps everything.

It took me 20 minutes to find
the coffee filters this morning.

This used to be my place.

I used to know where everything was.

And now I find tampons where
I used to keep my winter gloves.

I know, when lily and I
moved in together,

it took me forever
to find my dart board.

- Oh, where'd she put it?
- The trash.

Yo.

I am in a code red situation, man.

Jenn turned our one-night stand into

a two-day stay.

So I told her that I have
hockey practice tonight.

And she didn't get the hint.

Well, your excuse is too short-term.

There's a clingy girl
in Ohio who thinks I'm dead.

Clingy's the worst,
that's the problem.

She's super hot,
but the second you start

acting needy, I'm done.

And I need to handle this
very carefully,

because I don't want
to see this girl cry.

Yeah, a girl crying is the worst.

That's one of the things
I love about Whitney.

She ran out of tears a long time ago.

Well, now I can't go down
there for another three hours.

I'll get rid of her for you.

Really?
Oh, man, that would be great.

What are you going to say?

I don't know.
I'll think of something.

All right, good luck.
Be careful down there.

Mark, you're coming with me.

Oh, man.

Hey.

I'm telling you,
"died in a car crash" works.

As long as you don't mind
passing a shrine to yourself

on the exit ramp
where it supposedly happened.

Okay, that's spooky.

Hey.
How was practice?

You know, it got cancelled.

There was a Zamboni, uh...

This is my friend, Alex.

Hey, I've heard a lot about you.

Hey, listen.
Jenn, uh,

our apartment is, uh,
getting fumigated,

and actually Whitney
and I were supposed

crash the night here.

Oh, no problem.
You can have the bed

and we'll sleep on the couch.

It, uh, folds out.

It does?

Yes, silly.
Make yourself at home, Al.

So, Jenn, um, listen, uh,

this is technically
mark's apartment, so...

Is that Marley & Me?

Yeah, there's only 20 minutes left.

Marley's sick.

Oh, no.

He's going to be okay, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.
I just got a text

from all the hotels.

I guess that there are
some rooms available actually,

so, uh, I'm going to stay there.

Okay, I'll help you pack.

Am I talking a lot?

'cause my friends say
that when I drink too much

I talk a lot.
So am I talking a lot?

No.

What were you saying about
the Valentine's day issue?

Oh, yeah, Sharon and I
have a lot of issues

about Valentine's day.

First of all, I look horrible in red,

and she's a cutter.

Oh.

So tell me about Craig.

What do you guys have planned
for the Valentine's day feature?

And feel free to be
as specific as you were

when you described
your first sexual encounter.

Well, Craig never stops.

He's a real workaholic.
What about Roxanne?

Uh, she's more of a...
Alcoholic.

Oh.

Yeah, that's what happens
when you're in denial

about your sexuality.

No, Roxanne is definitely straight.

She sleeps with a lot of dudes.

Oh, well, me too.

I slept with so many
dudes in the '90s,

my vagina opened for pearl jam.

Oh, there is Craig again.

He keeps e-mailing me
from the office.

Oh, he's at the office now?

Yeah, he practically lives there.

I mean, this guy could
take a shower in a sink

like a $15 prostitute.

Well, to whores.

Love them.

Knock, knock.

Craig?
Hi, I'm Whitney.

Did I, by any chance,
leave my cell phone charger

in your office?

Have you ever been in my office?

What?

Have you ever been in my office?

Oh, no.
I just ate, I'm good. So...

But, yeah, no, I'm just...

Roxanne's had me working like crazy

on this Valentine's day thing, so...

Great, because mine
is a complete disaster.

I'm trying to do
a layout using old photos

of couples around from
around Chicago,

and it's just not coming together.

Why is she leaning on him like that?

Did she just get shot?

Because if she's not
bleeding to death,

she needs to get some self-respect.

Exactly, they're all so sappy.

I don't know what to do with them.

Look at that guy.

Is he kissing her or blowing her up?

Wait, wait, what about this
couple drinking champagne.

Oh, you mean the girl
getting roofied?

You have a real knack

for slamming things most people like.

Oh, yeah. Well,
my dad had a secret family.

I would like a raise.

Day two, 20 minutes late,
pretty aggressive.

I was in Craig's office
last night, and I found out

that his Valentine's feature sucks.

He said it himself.

Wow.

Mm-hmm.

I'd hug you right now,
but I don't want to get up.

Whitney.
I've been waiting for you.

My Valentine's feature
went up five hours ago.

It's already got more hits

than any other thing we've ever done.

All because of you.

- What?
- What?

I used your funny comments
and put them as captions

for all the photos.
It worked perfect.

"Is he trying to blow her up?"

Still gets me.
Good job.

- Why did you help him?
- I didn't mean to. It was an accident.

I went in there...
I was just being obnoxious.

I was just... I was being fun...

Whitney, hilarious captions.

Okay, look.

Me, Sharon.
You, Alex.

Palm Springs, bring your bulldogs.

Why would you help Craig?

I didn't.
I saw his dumb photos,

and I said the first
mean thing that came to my head.

Look how big my mouth is.

I can't keep track

of what's going
in and out of this thing.

Whit, I was trying to help
you out by giving you a job.

I asked you to get me information

to help me get ahead of him
and you managed

to help him get further ahead of me.

Okay, I didn't mean to.

I was just... it was an accident.

I was trying to help you,

and Craig started talking...

No, no, I don't care
what Craig was talking about.

He's not my friend.

You're my friend.

Come on, Roxanne.

Thong.

So all of this is because

you found a waffle iron
under the sink?

Yeah, everything
is in the wrong place.

All right?
I found the batteries

with the "thank you" cards.
Um, what?

This whole place is like a yard sale.

That's what women do.
They hide your stuff.

To trick you into thinking
that you need them.

Yeah.

Wait.
Yeah.

For thousands of years,
women have been organizing

our homes with no rhyme or reason.

Today, that crap ends.

All right, this is a system
that I created

that organizes everything
in our homes

according to logic.

Everything is numbered
in order of importance.

One is for the things I use the most,

like bottle openers.
And then flannel shirts.

Ten is for the things
I use the least.

Like razors.

And condoms.

See, we're guys.
We are problem solvers,

that's what we do.

Come on, mark.
Let's get this over with.

I got lily to get rid of Jenn for me.

Problem solved.

You are never supposed
to tell a woman the truth.

That's, like, the first thing
you learn as a man.

Why do all men think
all women are just

crazy, emotional, needy basket cases?

Stop yelling at me.

Okay, can we go?

There you are.

Jenn, I have something
that I need to tell you.

This is my wife, lily.

She just got out of the hospital.

Oh.

Yeah, she was going to die.

But then she didn't, and,
you know, I fell for you,

- but now she's back and...
- Mark, shut up.

Jenn, mark doesn't want to date you.

You are beautiful and lovely,
but he just isn't interested.

Mark, why didn't you just tell me?

I have a rare disorder of the throat.

It doesn't allow me...

Mark.

You could have asked me to leave

instead of wasting my time.

Casserole's ready in 30.

Yeah.
So nice meeting you.

So nice to meet you.
Cute as a button.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

That was amazing.
She did not freak out.

She didn't cry.
She really took it like a champ.

She's not a needy girl at all.

And now she's gone forever.

Gosh, I wonder what
she's doing right now.

She's probably in the elevator.

I think I made a terrible mistake.

Ah, I was just mocking this guy,

and I ended up hurting Roxanne.
I feel terrible.

Look, Whit, it's not your fault.

You know, you're just...
You're really good

at being mean to people,

and it's about time
we started cashing in on it.

Oh, it's Roxanne.

Hey, are you in one of those

"yell at each other" girl fights or

"nice to each other" girl fights?

I think it's a
"yell at each other" one.

Hey, Whit.
Can you get the door?

I'm stuck in the bathroom.

- I'm so sorry.
- You know what? No actually...

- I'm telling you...
- Hang on, just let me...

You know what?
I'm your boss.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I get kind of competitive with Craig

because I'm paranoid that
magazines are just going

to become obsolete.

And I am way too tired
to learn a new skill.

I can't even get
my kindle out of the box.

I know how you feel.

I got replaced by an app
that costs $1.99.

Now I know how porn stars felt

when teenage sluts bought webcams.

Look, if we're going
to be working together,

I don't want anything
to mess up our friendship.

Are we still going to work together?

Because, God, it was
so nice to have a real job,

you know, with my own desk,
my own chair,

my own lesbian.

But I'm really sorry
that I wrote those captions.

What? Don't be.
Those were great.

Really?

It was kind of cool
to be good at something

after failing for so long.

Well, good, because you're
going to be there for awhile.

I mean, I got to keep you on
so I can steal your ideas too.

Really?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

Yeah, okay, okay.
That's enough of that.

Let's have a glass of
wine to celebrate.

And two more, because
life's just too long.

I'm not getting fired,
which means on Friday

I'm getting my first paycheck.

So I am well on my way to a "b" cup.

And I'm well on my way

to getting into trouble
for however I respond to that.

I'm just glad that I'm not
going to be dependent on you.

Oh, well, you know,
it's ironic that you think that,

because I realized that
I'm actually kind of

dependent on you.

I couldn't find anything
in here without you,

so I reorganized everything
in a more logical way.

Hey, Whit, why is your
birth control in the fridge?

It's with the eggs.
Logic.

See, I'm not just a pretty face.

Moron.

This is my girlfriend, Alex.

Hi. Petite redhead.
Interesting.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Good pull.

Yeah, this is my girl.

Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com

That is confusing.

Okay, uh, not only
are you two not lesbians,

I just stopped being
a lesbian. Thanks.

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