All language subtitles for Theres.A.Girl.in.My.Soup.1970.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

(MISS ME IN THE MORNING
BY MIKE D'ABO PLAYING)

* I've been
thinkin' about you

* I wish I could forget

* And I would if
I thought that I should

* But not just yet

* Darlin'

* All I'm askin' is
one more hour of your time

* To make up your mind

* Then if you want to
call it a day

* I wouldn't stand
in your way

* But if you
miss me in the mornin'

* Let me know,
to give me warnin'

* And I'll be around
to see you right away

* At the break of the day

* But if you last the night
without me

* Fair enough,
forget about me

* And I'll never try
to see you anymore

* Put a lock on the door

* You'll see me no more

* Uh-huh

* You'll see me no more

* But if you last the night
without me

* Fair enough,
forget about me

* And I'll never try to
see you anymore

* Put a lock on the door

* You'll see me no more

* Uh-huh

* You'll see me no more

(BELLS TOLLING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Move along, there.
Get back.

Leave a bit
of room there.

Come on.
Get back there,
please.

WOMAN:
Look, here he comes.

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

WOMAN:
Oh, he's lovely.

Would you sign this?

Really,
I'm just a guest
here today.

We never miss your
program on the telly.

(CHUCKLING)

Neither do I.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
More to your left.

This way.

Come on there,
leave room. Come on,
leave a bit of room.

It really is too vulgar
of you, Robert,

to bring your wretched
television fans with you.

Well, I didn't bring them,
dear lady.

They simply materialized.

How do you do?

Oh, don't you
know each other?

Robert Danvers,
Julia Halforde-Smythe.

Enchanted.

You can ignore
the charm, Julia.

He's a rotter.
Not your style at all.

(ROBERT LAUGHING)

(CROWD CHATTERING)

Come on,
come on, get back.
Let them out.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Oh, doesn't she
look ravishing
in white?

Yes.

So pure,
so virginal.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Come along, Julia,
I think we'd better
move inside.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Just one moment.

Nice smile, please.
Thank you.

(ALL CHATTERING)

We were saying,
Freddie, weren't we,

it's such a joy to see
someone with breeding
on the television,

instead of
those young savages
with their banjos.

Quite, quite.

The fellow's as black
as the ace of spades,

but surprisingly decent.

Really?
Then some of them
are, aren't they?

Then would you
believe it, the bloody
fox turned round

and set about
the leading hound.

How very
unsporting of it.

So they've taken
Pinkie onto the board.

Save him dozing
all day in parliament.

You know Pinkie.

Tell me, do you
have a proper job?

I mean when
you're not, uh...

Not doing this...
This television stuff?

I perform abortions.
Didn't you know?

Excuse me.

I hope you'll be able
to come to the annual
garden fete this year.

WOMAN:
Yes, when is it?

Next Saturday.

You weren't able
to come last year,
were you?

WOMAN:
No, we were away.

Oh, yes.

Will your husband
be able to come
with you as well?

...wood off the fairway,
and it went on a terrible...

Slice?
Slice, yes.

Do forgive me.

I'm going up to
change now, Willie.

Don't chat for
too long, will you?

Okay, kitten.
Off you go.

I must say,
she's looking
absolutely, uh...

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

I mean, she's
really quite, um...

She is.

She is, hmm.

Yes.

What is the word?
How would one
put it?

"Lovely."
Yes.

Yes, that's it.
"Lovely."

(CLOTHES RUSTLING)

CLARE:
Who's there?

Oh, it's you.

Am I disturbing you?

You're an absolute bastard,
coming here like this.

(LAUGHING)

I wanted to see you.

Why?
For one last time.

Oh, for God's sake,
it was you who
threw me over.

Clare,
how can you
say that?

You know
I was shattered.

Not shattered enough
to marry me.

I know.

I was a fool.
A blind fool.

Oh, Robert,
what's the use of
saying that now, today?

You look stunning
today, Clare.

Immaculate.

Like virgin snow.

Do I?

My God,
but you're lovely.

No, Robert.

We had six
glorious months.

This is our last time.

No, that's out.

Isn't it better
to end with a bang
than a whimper?

(WHISPERING)
Someone may come in.

I locked the door.

You only want me
for one thing.

But what a lovely thing.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

Who is it?

Do you need any help,
darling?

No, Mommy.
I can manage.

Well, don't forget
the plane.

Will you be long?

(WHISPERING)
Tell her five minutes.

My God,
at least make it 10.

(GRUNTING)

ALL:
* For they're
a jolly good couple

* And so say all of us

(ALL CHEERING)

That's a wonderful
girl you're getting.

She's going to
make you very,
very happy.

Yes.

Lose it gracefully,
darling.

WILLIE:
Bye-bye, Mother.

HEATHER:
Bye, dear boy.

Bye, old man.

WILLIE'S FATHER:
Bye-bye, Son. Have
a lovely time. Good luck.

(LAUGHS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Bye, darling.

Weren't they
just wonderful?

Let's go in now
and have a drink.

I could do with one.
Couldn't you?

I must say,
she really looked
beautiful, didn't she?

Well, back to London,
I suppose.

Weddings always
make me feel hungry.

I wonder why?

We might have something
to eat together, somewhere.

Hmm.

We might.

Where's your
favorite place?

Aren't you the expert?

There's a tiny restaurant,

uh, rather off the beaten
track, that I'd like you
to know about.

The, uh, menu is limited,

but, uh, very tasty
and beautifully balanced.

As for the decor,
it is discreet
without being elegant,

the seating comfortable,
and the atmosphere intimate,

whilst the lighting
subtly enhances

even the most
ravishing companion.

The wines, too,
are well chosen.

As a matter of fact,

(CHUCKLING)
I had a hand in that.

Although the list is small,

as are the number
of diners who are lucky
enough to eat there,

that's not a bad thing.

Hear, hear.

You see, for my part,
I think that

far too much attention
these days is paid
to quantity,

and not nearly enough
to quality.

For example, ah,
how is this for starters?

(JULIA SIGHING)

Lady Heather was right.

You are a rotter.

You have a
delicious flavor.

So, having set one's
taste buds bursting,

we come to the main dish.

A sort of shish kebab
or skewered lamb.

These are meticulously
selected cuts

impaled with onions
and garlic for flavor,

and turned over
and over a bare flame,

until the meat sizzles
and the juices run out.

For pudding or
sweet or afters,

I prefer the word
"pudding" myself,

the banana surprise
was a masterpiece.

(SIGHING)

You're wonderful.

Mmm, I know I am.

But, please, no more.

My God,
but you're lovely.

So there we are, then,

a simple little menu
that anyone could
knock up at home.

Well, that's all.

And until we meet
again next week,
good night.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
You have been watching
Robert Danvers' Good Taste.

Written, devised and produced
by Robert Danvers.

Wines chosen and
all dishes selected
by Robert Danvers.

What's this, then?

It won't poison you,
you've had it before.

I'll bet I have.
Cow.

(BUZZER RINGING)

Look,
I'm not waiting
in all night

for you to finish that,
you know.

I know.

Evening, John.

Evening, Mr. Hunter.

Is the connoisseur
of wine, women
and two veg back?

He is back, sir,
but, uh, he's got company.

At 6:30?
In the middle
of the rush hour?

I think he's working them
in shifts now, sir.

I don't know
what he's got,

but they go in
and out of there
like a women's relay race.

Eh, he must be
very, uh, fit.

You should see
this one, sir.

Whoa, legs on her
right up to her bum.

Not like my missus.

Her ass comes down
to meet her knees.

(ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING)

John, taxi, please.

Right away, sir.

Andrew, you're early.

No, as a matter of fact,
I'm a bit late.

Ah. Uh, you two
know each other?

No.
Hmm.

This is Andrew Hunter,
editor of a magazine
I write for.

BOTH:
How do you do?

And, uh,
this is, oh...

Forgive me,
what did you
say your name was?

I didn't.

(CAR ENGINE RUNNING)
Ah, yes, of course you didn't.
How stupid of me.

Uh, we have a taxi waiting.

Nice to have met you,
Miss, um, uh, Miss, uh...

That's it,
Miss, uh...

Stay tuned,
back in a moment.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

Your supper's
gone stone cold.

All right,
I'm coming.

Don't know why
I waste my time.

You ought to have
some women
to deal with.

Wish I had.

Nothing like
home cooking, John.

No, sir, nothing.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

What a slob you are,
Robert.

What?

You treat your sex life
like a continuous
wine-tasting.

Roll them around
and spit them out.

I know why married men
live longer.

Hmm?
They're half-dead already.

Nonsense.

All that sex is
just a substitute
for the real thing.

Who needs the real thing
with a substitute like that?

BARNABY:
Daddy, Daddy.

Daddy, Abby won't
let me kick the ball.

You have to
get it off her,
that's the game.

But she keeps
picking it up.

Well, kick her,
then she'll put
it down.

Okay.

Anyway, it's time
you gave up all
this philandering.

How old are you now?
40-what?

About that, yes.

ABBY:
Ow!

Daddy! Daddy!

Don't bother daddy now,
Abigail, he's busy, hmm?

But Barnaby kicked me.

Well, kick him back.

All right.

Come on, now,
Andrew, admit it.

Wouldn't you
give your eyeteeth

to be single,
just for one week?

Not for a day.

All right,
you're too senile
for sex.

I am not.

(CHUCKLING)

GILLY:
Andrew!
Yes? Oh.

Yes, darling?

Andrew, have you been
telling the children
to kick each other?

Kick, darling?
Well, no, not exactly.

Honestly, you're hopeless.

Just look at you.
You're the same
age as me,

but you act like
my grandfather.

Well, if you didn't rush off
to that health farm
every five minutes

to have your flue
raked out, you'd have
clinkered up years ago.

Who on earth is this?

Can't you look
at a girl without
actually lathering up?

(FRENCH ACCENT)
Telephone, Mr. Hunter,
from France.

Ah, that'll be about
your wine-tasting trip.

They are waiting
for you, monsieur.

Thank you.

You'd better hurry,
hadn't you?

Do give it a rest,
old chap.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

You speak English,
do you?

Yes, but, uh,
only very, very small.

Paola! Paola!

Airplane,
airplane,
please.

But you're so heavy.

Here, let me.
Come on.

You take this arm and
I'll take this leg and...

Whee!

And one...two...

(ROBERT LAUGHING)

Do you like Chinese food?

Very much.

Good, good.

You know the little book
by the telephone?

The address book?

Yes.

My telephone number
is in it.

Can you use chopsticks?

Mmm-hmm.

Good. A little sake,
perhaps?

And then afterwards,
who knows?

That sounds wonderful.

Yes. Whee!

(ABBY SQUEALING)

(LAUGHING)

My God,
but you're lovely.

(ARABELLA CINDERELLA
BY MIKE D'ABO PLAYING)

* Ah, my Arabella, Cinderella,
what does she do?

* She turns into a pumpkin
at the stroke of 2:00

* You know she
should have done it
way back at midnight

* Why, oh, why could she not
get a thing right?

Uh, it could be cultural,
I suppose.

GILLY:
Sure it's the
right address?

* But I stand up tall

Excuse me.

Is that the Goodwins',
down there?

* 'Cause she gets it all wrong
and her love is so strong

* Yes, everything's
all right by me

* All right by me

ANDREW:
Yes, that looks
more like it.

Boredom dripping
from every lip.

Come on, Robert.
I can't wait to get
at the cheese straws.

Yes, well, I'll get
my car keys.

* She'll never change

* And though
I think you're crazy

* I don't find it so strange

* Can't you see I love you

Thank you for
being so helpful.

Robert?

Hmm?

Come on.

I'll be up in a minute.
I'm badly parked.

Here you are.

I thought you'd
fallen down a plug hole.

Come on, Mari.

I like the idea,
what about it?

The bus stop's
down the road.

I beg your pardon?

You'll just catch
one if you hurry.

Oh, yes, yes,
thank you very much.

(CHUCKLING)

He'll know us
next time, won't he?

Come on.

Get away.

Okay. When you've
calmed down a bit,
I'll see you downstairs.

* Miss me in the morning

* Let me know,
I give you warning

* And I'll be around
to see you right away

* At the break of the day

* And if you last
the night without me

Your party looks
like fun.

* Forget about me

Where do you live?

Not far.

How far?

Two minutes in my car.

* You'll see me no more

Let's go.

* You'll see me no more

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

* Miss me in the morning

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Down from the States?

One of them.

You've been
in England long?

Too long.

I'm sorry.

Why?

Here we are.

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)

Well, do you approve?

Of what?

What would you
like to drink?

What have you got?

Well, there's,
uh, sherry, brandy,
whiskey, scotch or rye,

a few liqueurs:
Uh, Dubonnet,
Campari, Slivovitz,

port, vodka,
ouzo, sake.

Or we could even
be devils and split

a bottle of
the old champagne, what?

Got any beer?

There's some
rubbing alcohol in

the medicine cabinet,
if you'd care for that.

Scotch.

Oh, yes, right.

Here, let me take
that for you.

Oh, no, I've got it.

Uh, well... Well,
there's, um...

There's a cupboard
just to the left,
you'll find.

* If there's a time
for romance

* It's got to be now

* It's got to be now

* Before love dies

* If there's a flame
in your heart

* There's gonna be fire

* There's gonna be fire

* It's in your eyes

* Just move in close

* Turn the lights down low

* Let's do away with
the Late Late Show

* I know a far
better way to go

* Into tomorrow

* So put your lips
close to mine

* I'll show you how

* Don't be a shy baby

* Be my baby now

Anything wrong?

Just kidding around.

Hmm, please do,
if you wish.

What?

Leave.

You want me to?

No, of course not.

Come on, say when.

Oh.

You must be loaded.

I suppose I'm what
you might call
comfortably off, yes.

Yes, I'll bet.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Do sit down.

(CHUCKLING)

* So put your lips
close to mine

* I'll show you how

That was quite a party.

Do you, uh...

Do you go to
many like that?

Do you?

God, no. I couldn't
live above that crowd.

You could hear the drummer
halfway down the street.

Him. That exhibitionist.
He's lousy.

He's been playing too many
one-night stands.

I think it's gone
to his head.

Uh-huh.

Anyway,
he's a gas fitter's mate,
that's his real job.

Uh.

Can I have
another one, please?

Oh, yes, yes. Of course.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh, were you leaving,
just now?

Did you think I was?

I wasn't sure.

I was just trying
to keep one-up on you
for a bit longer.

One-up?

I was looking for
your name on the door.

You mean you
don't know my name?

No.

Nor who I am?

Should I?

(CHUCKLES)

It's just that I was
under the impression...

What is it, then?
What is it?

Well, uh...

I am Robert Danvers.

How nice for you.

Who am I?

I've no idea.

See?

You see, we haven't exactly
been, uh, formally introduced,
have we?

What is your name?

Marion.

Marion. Hmm,
how beautiful.

Can I have another drink?

Look, if you're
going to pour
that stuff down you,

wouldn't you care for
something to eat?

Can you cook?

Within reason.
What would you like?

Bread.
A piece of bread.

Just bread?

To soak it up.

Yes, of course.

What are you,
a mortician
or something?

What?

A mortician.
This is the kind of music
they play in funeral parlors.

I've been
wondering about you.

Why?

I'm interested.

In what?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Why do you always
answer a question
with another question?

Why do you?

Yes.

You wanted another drink?

Are you trying
to get me tight?

You're frightening
enough sober.

Um...

That chap you
were, um, chatting with
on the pavement...

You mean making
it with?

I suppose I did.

He just happened
to be passing.

Hmm.

Tell me, um,

do you often, uh,
make it with chaps
who are passing?

Sometimes. Do you?

Not with chaps, no.

Uh...

Keep still a moment.

What's the matter?

You have a speck...

Just...

There.

There you are.

Thank you.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Oh, good.

That party,
what was it, eh?

Drink or drugs?

Who cares?

Hmm.

Amazing thing, progress.

A few years ago,
a bottle of Spanish wine

and an aspirin,
last word in sin.

You sound just
like my father.

Thank you.

Oh, I've upset you.

No, no, no.

You're sore.

No, I'm not. No.

Then why are you
back there?

Well, it's, uh,
more comfortable

and I can see you.

And you're very
pretty to look at.

Yuck.

"Stunning" is the word
that, uh, springs to mind.

Oh.

Have you got
to get home?

Why?

You keep looking
at your watch.

I'm timing you.

Timing me?

Well, you didn't bring me
here to look at me.

I was under the impression
that you brought me.

Oh, wow, next you'll
be shouting "rape."

If you like, yes.

If I like?

It took you exactly
nine minutes and 40 seconds

to say something
even remotely
connected with sex.

What was that?

There's always
a bit of yak about sex
before the pass.

It's to get you
in the mood.

To get who
in the mood?

The girl.
You're already in it.

Having got around to it,
you come and sit next to me,

that took another
20 seconds,
that's 10 minutes in all.

Most fellows I
know would have made

a grab as we walked
through the door.

They're too lazy
to chat you up.

They walk around in their
tight jeans so you can take
a good look at the goods

and make up
your own mind.

But you,
you don't put the goods
in the store window.

You bring me home,
and prove to me
you're loaded,

and drop some big hints
about who you are,

and I'm supposed
to be all impressed,

and run back to my
girlfriends and say:

"Hey, guys, guess who
did me the big favor
last night?"

You don't even
like me, do you?

I don't know you.

I mean, the, uh,
look of me.

You're no chicken,
are you?

So, why did you
come home with me?

Why not?

Mmm-hmm.

And if I made a pass
at you now, what
would your reaction be?

Oh.

You want the results
before you place the bet.

What do you reckon
the odds are?

Look, may I ask
you a question

without getting
a question in reply?

It depends.

Why did you say
just now you wanted

to keep one-up on me
a bit longer?

Supply and demand,
I suppose.

I'm in demand,
and until I supply,
I'm one-up.

And a bit longer?

Well.

The final result
is never much in doubt,
is it?

(CHUCKLING)

You ought to watch
that little laugh,
it's a dead giveaway.

My dear girl,
I don't think I could cross
that bit of floor between us

any more than I
could climb Everest.

Don't worry,
you'll manage,
sooner or later.

You're so cold-blooded.

And what about you?

Me?

Do you want
to marry me?

What?

Do you?

No.

Do you want to pay
for it?

Pay for it?

Good God, are you...

No, just establishing.

You don't want commitments
and you're too stingy
to pay...

My dear girl,
it's not a question
of stinginess.

All right,
let's put it another way.

You think it would
be an insult

to your virility
if you had to pay.

So, here you are,
you're onto a good thing.

No complications
and no cost.

If that's not cold-blooded,
what is?

Absolute nonsense.

Your argument implies
(STAMMERING) a form of
sexual bartering

that no longer exists.

Oh, crap.

What?

Crap.

Crap?

Crap.

But your attitude negates
the whole fun of being
male and female.

The whole artifice of
flirtation and love-play.

The final mutual pleasure.

As a matter of fact,
there are some people
who'd say

that the, uh, female
gets more pleasure...

You mean I would
enjoy you as much
as you would me?

Oh, probably more, yes.

Oh.

Granted, you're prettier
than I am, but, uh,

a man, a mature man

has something
far richer to offer
than mere good looks.

(GIGGLING)

That's fabulous.

How old are you?

19.

Good God.

How old are you?

Cigarette?

Well, you've crossed
that bit of floor.

(LIGHTER CLICKING)

What is it?
What's the matter?

It's all right,
I don't mind
if you want to have me.

Thank you.

It's about the most
beguiling invitation
I've ever had.

Don't you want to?

I want to very much.

Where's the john?

What? John?
Oh... Oh, through there.

Hey, uh,

maybe I'd better go now,
before you get
too worked up.

(METAL CLANKING)

No one could
possibly accuse you

of being over-romantic,
could they?

What do you expect?

Just that you might show
a bit of enthusiasm,
that's all.

Do I have
to enjoy it, too?

That was the idea
of it, yes.

Well, do you mind
if I skip the ecstasy
bit this time?

We'll see about that.

(DISTORTED VOICES
PLAYING ON RADIO)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

* My Arabella,
Cinderella

* What does she do?

* She turns into a pumpkin
at the stroke of 2:00

* You know, she should
have done it way back
at midnight

Hey, what are you,
a weirdo or something?

Why do you ask?

All these mirrors.

(LAUGHS)

It amuses me.

What's so amusing
about staring at yourself
on the throne?

(LAUGHS)

* Cinderella

Hey, you must be a weirdo,
that bed's red-hot.

Oh, my God,
it's the electric blanket.

I forgot
to switch it off.

I'm so sorry.
I thought it would take
the chill off the bed.

Look, um, I know
I sort of threw
myself at you and...

Oh, that's all right.

Yeah, well,
now I've sort
of gone off the boil.

Don't you worry
about that.

I'll soon put you
back on it.

It's just that
I wouldn't want
to disappoint you.

You won't.

And I'm willing
to bet that I won't
disappoint you.

(APPLAUSE ON RADIO)

Okay.

(SIGHS)

You know that party?

Yes.

Well, it was my party.

Yours?

Well, I live there.
I guess you could
call it that.

Oh, yes, yes.

And that guy
on the drums...

Yes.

His name's Jimmy.

Oh, yes, of course.

You know,
when I first got here,

I went with a friend
of Jimmy's called Mark.

Mark?

Suddenly, he became
horrible to me.

So Jimmy got me
to leave Mark and
come and live with him.

And now Jimmy's
been nasty.

Oh, dear.

Bryan was kissing me
when you saw us,

and trying to get me
to go with him.

Bryan is Jimmy's friend.

Oh. Good, yeah.

He said that
Jimmy asked him

to take me over
and get me out of the way
because of Caroline.

Good heavens.

And I know that
'cause two weeks ago,
Peter made a pass at me.

Peter's another friend.
Uh-huh.

Only I don't like him,
so I didn't go with him.

Anyway, it's just as well,
because he's in the hospital
with the dose.

(CRYING)
Caroline's Bryan's girl

and Jimmy's got her now.

(CRYING)

That's how Jimmy got me.

They're all passing me around
like a tray of cakes.

Just have a nibble
and pass her on.

You know, um,

(SNIFFS)

it isn't very nice
being passed around.

Where are you going?

I thought you wanted
to go to bed.

I can't imagine
what gave you that idea.

Good night.

(SLURPING)

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

Humph, listen to this:

"Vicar, 63, runs off
with 18-year-old
Sunday-school mistress."

I don't know
what these grown men

see in these young girls,
I really don't.

No.

Well, are you going
to sit there all day,
then?

Let me finish me tea,
can't you?

And there's
lover-boy's bagels.

He'll be buzzing down
for them shortly.

(WATER RUNNING)

(YELPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING)

(HAIR DRYER WHIRRING)

(RINGING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(WATER GURGLING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey, somebody's
at the door.

ROBERT:
Then answer it.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Morning, sir.
Ah, morning, miss.

Lovely morning.

Is it?

Slept, uh,
well, I hope?

Why? Didn't you?

Me?
(LAUGHS)

His lordship, uh,
all right, is he?

I think so.

Think so, eh?

(CHUCKLING)

Look, is there anything
I can do for you?

Well, uh, actually,
I brought his bagels,
but, uh...

Bleeding bagels.

Come along,
if you're ready.

What did you say
your name was?

Robert Da...

Ah, I see you
found out.

Yes, I am
the Robert Danvers.
Yes.

Right, here we are,
off we go.

Is that all you do,
just eat for a living?

And write, teach,
create, criticize,
appear on television,

buy foods and wines,
many things.

Oh, yes, I'll,
uh, drop you off
at your apartment.

And then goodbye?

That's right, yes.

(CHUCKLES)

I'd like
to thank you.

What for?

For not having me
last night.

(LAUGHS)

It was no effort,
I assure you.

I don't suppose
you'd like me to stay
a few days?

I'm going
to France tomorrow.

Then your apartment
will be empty?

And locked up.

That's me,
the disposable girl.

Use me once and then
throw me away.

Well, I haven't used you,
so don't come
the hard-luck story with me.

(DOG BARKING)

Thank you. Goodbye.

One last word of advice,
young lady.

You're 19, and what is
commonly called a pushover.

Now, then, had it been
anyone else but me
last night...

I know.

If you continue like this,
by the time you're 21,
you're going to...

Well, you're too lovely
to go throwing yourself
at any man,

to let them take
advantage of you.

(GIGGLING)

What's so funny?

Just the words you used,
"take advantage."

I'm telling you this
for your own good.

Thank you.

Now would you do
just one last thing
for my own good?

What's that?

Help me get my bags out.

I'm sorry,
I'm too busy this morning.

Oh, yeah, you give advice,
but when it comes
to doing anything...

Just a minute.

All right, come on.

Now then, what about
this, uh... Uh,
Jimmy character?

Don't worry,
it'll all be
very civilized.

Hmm.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(DOOR RATTLING)

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

(BUCKET CLATTERING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(WATER RUNNING)

Get up, you sloppy,
fat-assed, red-eyed jerk!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Come on,
it stinks in here.

You need some fresh air!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh, it's you,
I might have known.

Go on, get your ass
out of here.

Don't think you're
going back to sleep.

MARION:
I want you out of here,
you bastard!

I do hope
I'm not disturbing you.

Do you hear me?

I'm getting out
of this crummy joint!

I'm packing it in.

NIGEL:
For God's sake,
do you mind?

What the hell's
going on?

Uh, I think it's a raid.

Oh, God.

It's the police.

GIRL:
The police?

Quick, Nigel,
where are my knickers?

Now, don't panic.

They're in my jacket,
breast pocket.

Come on.

MARION:
Go on, get out!
I have to pack.

Go on, beat it!

All right,
just don't shout.

(BABY WAILING)

Christ, my head.

Got any aspirin?

Not on me, no.

Out there,
in the bathroom.

Get them, would you?

There. There.

Yes.

(CYMBAL CRASHING)

How could you?

How could you,
with that hag-bag!

Stop shouting,
can't you?

And that belly.

It's either too many buns
or she's got one in the oven.

She hasn't.

Well, I hope she has.

I hope her old man
makes it with the shotgun,

then you'll be good
and stuck.

(SCREAMS)

(CLEARING THROAT)

I thought you went
with Bryan last night.

Did you?

Well, didn't you?

What's it to you?

Oh, don't start that
stupid question bit again,
for Christ's sake.

Why not?

I've been worried
about you.

Worried about me?

You lying punk!

Pretending you
give a damn!

Stop.

You wanted me out

so you could move
her in, you louse!

Mind that guitar,
I tell you.

Up yours!

(GUITAR RATTLING)

Look, will you listen to...
Christ, my head.

I hope your head
breaks open

and all your brains
spill out all over the place

and you tread on them
and fall over.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(WOMAN CHATTERING)

Gruesome turn of phrase,
hasn't she?

My eyes feel like
two piss-holes in the snow.

(MOANS)

Oh, ta.

I reckon I could grow
mushrooms on my tongue.

(TRAFFIC HUMMING)

What about women, eh?

Just because
I'm moving Caroline in,

she starts screaming
blue murder.

Well, that's only natural,
isn't it?

Natural? Why?

Caroline will be
company for her.

Cut the housework in half,
they'd be laughing.

No, it's too reasonable.

Frigging women.

Tell you, if I didn't
fancy them so much,

I reckon
I'd change sides.

(LAUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Mmm, yes, yes.

Well, of course,
that's, uh, because
she's upset.

Upset? Her?
What about me?

You can hardly expect her
to enjoy sharing you.

Why not?

Most of the blokes I know
are having it off with birds
all over the place.

Well.
Well?

I just want to get mine
under the same roof.

Save myself
a bloody fortune, mate.

Right, we're off.
Ready, Robert?

Here, hang on.
Is he with you?

Are you...

Ah, look here, Mari,
anything's better
than that.

You can't stay
with him.

She's not staying
with me.

Ah, there,
see the sort
of bloke he is?

One night, then out.

Anyway, what is
so offensive about
her being with me?

(SNICKERS)

Well, I mean...

Shouldn't you know
better at your age?

Uh, please,
Robert, my cases,
would you get them?

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Where did you
find that?

I don't know how you
can stand an old git like him
touching you after me.

Anyone would be good
after you.

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

(GROANING)

Oh, Mari, come back.

Think of the great times
I'll give you.

Don't! Don't touch me.
Go touch her instead!

(SCREAMING)

It's off.
Me bloody head's come off.

I'm blind,
my God, I'm blind!

Robert. What happened?
Are you all right?

Of course
I'm not all right.

Who the bloody hell
did that?

Was that you,
you stupid, clumsy,
bloody twit?

Oh, don't you
start shouting.

You oaf, you idiot,
you... You filthy,
awful wreck!

God, I can't see...
I can't see anything.

Here, cut that out.
I don't like it.

Then don't watch.

Why the hell I got
mixed up with you

juvenile delinquents,
God only knows.

Oh, shut up.
You're not the
only one who's hurt.

How dare you tell me
to shut up.

I'm practically
bloody blinded here.

Oh, give him
a white stick
and kick him out.

Get lost, you.

I can't see anything.

The string
in my eye's gone.

Oh.
Honey...

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

making up to an
old geezer like him.

Oh, I'll bet you
never thought you'd
drive me to this.

Look, that's enough.

You are the most
arrogant young idiot
I've ever laid my eyes on,

what's left of them.

You imagine that
if a woman even looks
at you it must be love,

and that any man
over 40...
Uh, 34...

I mean 35,
must be repellant.

Well, let's face it.
Chicks don't go out
with old geezers like you

for their lovely profiles,
do they?

I can beat you
to any woman.

You what?

Yes. Any woman,
any place, any time.

Come along, Marion.

Goodbye!

Here, you'd better
watch out for your
truss, mate!

(CYMBAL CRASHING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Did you notice
he was really jealous?

I mean,
he really flipped out.

Hmm, I never thought
he gave a damn.

Saying those things
to put me off, too.

Oh, you have had
a lousy time,
haven't you?

Mmm.

All this trouble,

a smack in the eye
and not even a quick
flash to show.

We still haven't
decided where we're
taking you yet, have we?

I don't know what
he was talking about.

You kiss very well.

There has been
the occasional female
in my life

who hasn't found me

completely repulsive.

My God,
but you're lovely.

Oh, my God,
but you're corny.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MOANS)

Oh, oh,

save it.
Hey, save it.

All that's fine in theory,
but it doesn't work
in practice.

Mmm, where did you
learn to make love,
in a laboratory?

Now where
are you off to?

Cigarettes and things
for after.

(LAUGHING)

As a matter of fact,
it was the drive-in movie.

What was showing?

I never did
find out. Why?

I'm curious.

No, I know it
wasn't that.

Anyway, from where I was,
I couldn't see too well.

Ah, good girl.

(LAUGHING)

Now what?

How very romantic
you are.

I ought to bloody well
put you across my knee.

Okay, come on.

Come on.

What's the matter?
Can't you stand
the pace, hmm?

No, I can't.

Middle-aged Romeos
should lay off
young girls

if they can't stand
the pace.

Come on,
you'd better go.
Go on, get out.

You really want
me to?

Passionately.

Oh.

Now what?

I love you.

Oh, for God's sake,
don't start that.

Don't you want
to try again?

No.

You sure?

My God, but you're...

Oh, come on, come on,
say it, please.

You are.
You're very lovely.

And so are you.

You're very nice,
handsome.

Aren't you
going to, uh,

take advantage of me
now that I want you to?

I should.

Don't worry.

I promise
I won't laugh.

(SLURPING)

Aren't you going
to take his bagels up,
then?

He'll ring down
when he wants them.

Oh,

got another one
up there, has he?

Yes.

Is that all
you've got to say?

Yes.

Be a nice world, wouldn't it,
if all men carried on
like him.

Yes.

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

(HUMMING)

* Di-dee doo-doo
doo-doo *

Morning, John.

Good morning, sir.

Is his lordship
up and about?

I don't know, sir.

He's been very quiet,
very quiet since yesterday.

Has he?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Good morning.

Well, can I help you?

Is himself in?

He's in the shower.

Ah.

Would it be convenient
if I waited?

I suppose so.
What do you think?

Oh, I think
it'd be delightful.

Thank you.

I've, uh,
brought along some proofs
for him to check

before he leaves
for France.

By the way,
my name is Andrew Hunter.

So you're Andrew?

Yes.

Hmm.

Would you like
some breakfast?

Oh, no.
No, thank you.

I made breakfast
for him.

You did?

Yeah, pancakes
and maple syrup.

Good heavens!

(GIGGLING)

Do I amuse you?

I'm sorry, it's Robert's
description of you.

I imagined someone
quite different.

Ah.

Not quite the young Apollo
you see before you.

No, not quite.

Uh-uh.

Don't you want
to sit down?

Thank you.

Yes, Robert has
this thing, you see.

He does this
transference business.

He sees himself
as Dorian Gray

and I'm the sort
of verbal picture.

You know,
I think I will have
some coffee, if I may.

Thank you.

You're married,
aren't you?

Is it that obvious?

Do you mind
if I ask a question?

No, fire away.

Do you ever chase
a bit of spare?

(SPUTTERS)

No.

No, no, no, as a matter
of fact, I don't.

Why don't you?

Well,

apart from any question
of love and loyalty,

it always seems
to be such bad manners
to one's wife.

People always find out.

It's rather like picking
one's nose in public

when one has a perfectly
adequate handkerchief
in one's pocket.

Robert says he won't
ever get married,

because he's bound
to be unfaithful.

How long have you two
known each other?

About a day and a half.

Hmm.

And, uh, who brought up
the question of marriage?

You or him?

Oh, him.

Only I think he was
just covering himself
in case I did.

Ah, there you are,
Andrew, old man.

And so I am.

Here we are,
the proofs.

Oh, good,
good, good.

Darling, you'd better
go and pack.

Okay.

I'm green with envy.

What?

Oh, yes. She's
a cute little thing.

(LAUGHING)

Where on earth
did you find her?

Oh, we met, she fell
for me, and here we are,
you know.

I don't like that.

All right,
we'll scrub it.

And, uh, you're taking her
to France with you?

It seems to be
a good idea, yes.

To the wine-tasting?

Yes, well,
why not?

Ah, now,
you see. That...

That is Danvers.

That must be
the projected image.

Right, good,
then we'll use it.

Well, I must offer you
my heartiest congratulations,
old boy.

She is a doll.

Mmm.

Now that's what I call
going out in a blaze
of glory.

Going out?

(MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

My father awaits
your judgment with,
uh, impatience.

Patron.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Moi aussi.
Moi aussi.

Darling, meet our host,
Monsieur Le Guestier.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Enchante,
mademoiselle.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Mademoiselle,
merely by tasting this wine

you will give me the pleasure
of seeing the sun come out
in your eyes.

Thank you.

Merci beaucoup.

(LE GUESTIER SPEAKING
IN FRENCH)

You don't swallow it,
you spit it out.

Why waste it?

Then you can judge
the next.

Who wants my opinion?

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Mmm.

Thank you.

Mmm.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

(MARION BURPS)

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

But, you must,
how you say...
Sip it gently.

No, you do it
your way

and I'll do it mine.

(BOTTLES CRASHING)

Bonjour, monsieur.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

You must be joking.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Oui, monsieur.

Madame is unwell,
monsieur?

No, just tired.

MARION:
I'm bursting.

ROBERT:
Then burst away.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Do excuse me,
but aren't you
Robin Danvers?

Yes.

There you are,
what did I tell you?

We're English,
you know.

I wonder if I could
have your autograph?

Um...

It's for
my little girl.

Yes, it's rather difficult.
I wonder if you
could possibly...

Oh, yes, of course.

...come round
this side and then

maybe I could borrow
your bag to rest it on.

Would you sign it
"To Alice," please.

To Alice? Yes.

"Alice.

"Robert...

"Danvers."

Kind of you.

I hope your daughter
will soon be feeling better.

It's my son,
actually.

I'm rather
worried about him.

(SPEAKING
IN FRENCH)

It's in there.

You're disgraceful.

Really,
absolutely disgraceful.

God only knows
why I brought you.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Do you realize,
do you realize,

I have had to buy
150 dozen bottles

of an absolutely
detestable wine

for a shipper
who will never
forgive me?

You're not fit to be here!
You're not fit to be here!

You ought to be
tearing up the King's Road

with that bloody
drummer boy of yours.

You've made me
a laughingstock.

You realize that,
a complete,
bloody laughingstock.

You've no sense of values,
no scruples, no morals,
nothing!

You look terrible.

Terrible!

Show me your tongue.

My God, but you're...

Robert.

Hmm?

You're really great.

Hmm.

Yes, I suppose I am.

I want to ask
you something.

Hmm?

Don't you ever
get scared?

Of what?

Being alone.

Does that scare you?

Anyway, I never
am alone.

There's always someone.

(BELL TOLLING SIX TIMES)

(THE LADY'S IN LOVE
BY MIKE D'ABO PLAYING)

* The lady's in love
and that's all right with me

* She's walking around
as tall as any tree

* And she bought
another dress today

* And she's expecting
me to pay

* But she deserves it
anyway

* The lady's in love

* Oh, ladies in love
have got you on a string

* Hmm-mmm mmm

* 'Cause they walk around
as if each day was spring

* They're kissing you
in a public place

* Then they're slapping you
hard across the face

* Excuse my friend's
appalling taste

* The lady's in love

* And who am I
to put her down

* She'll get her feet back
on the ground

* I'm very glad to be

* The one she runs to see

* To whisper she's in love
with only me

There it is.
Do you like it?

I love it.

Right, let's go
and get it.

* And she bought
another dress today

* And she's expecting
me to pay

* But she deserves it
any old way

* The lady's in love

Oh, Monsieur Danvers,
it is good to see you
back once more.

How are you?

Ah, very well indeed.
And yourself?

Merci. Et mademoiselle?

ROBERT:
Well, what do you think?

(HOTEL MANAGER SPEAKING
IN FRENCH)

(LAUGHING)

Darling, come and
meet Monsieur Fournier.

Enchante. And I hope
you enjoy your stay
with us.

Thank you.

(SPEAKING
IN FRENCH)

Certainly.

But Monsieur Danvers,
this is wonderful.

And so English,
so secretive.

You permit me?

Thank you.

And madame is
beautiful and charming,
and you are a happy man.

You permit me?

Please.

We will put you in
the bridal suite,
of course.

Who is in
the bridal suite?

No matter,
throw them out.

Jacque, Pierre!

Please.

Bagages!

Madame, monsieur,

et voila!

Wow.

You will be comfortable,
I hope, madame.

Yes.

Anything you need,
anything, you call me.

Thank you
very much indeed.

Thank you.

Merci.

We are proud to
have you here, madame,
Monsieur Danvers.

That was just about
the wickedest trick
I've ever seen.

Why did you do that?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Entrez.

Messieurs, dames.

See what I mean?

With all the compliments
of the directeur,
madame, monsieur.

Merci, monsieur,
madame.

And we all hope

you'll have a penis,
all your life.

They hope that you
will have happiness

all of your life.

Wow, I don't believe it.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

That's it.

Isn't it beautiful?

(MOTORBOAT WHIRRING)

My God,
what's happening?

Oh, oh!

Marion, I...

(SPLUTTERING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey! Hey!

Marion!

Marion!

Marion, give me my...
Give me my...

Give me my...

What a beautiful day.

Uh, uh...

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Hello.

MARION:
Thank you.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Felicitations,
madame.

Thank you.

Ollie, Bollinger.

Bollinger?

Tell me,
do you arrange divorces

as cheaply as
you do marriages?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

ROBERT:
This looks like
a lovely spot, darling.

MARION:
Beautiful.

Shall we drop
anchor here?

Sure.

Now, when I tell you,

put her in reverse
and take up the slack
on the anchor, will you?

Okay.

Now.

(SCREAMING)

(BELL TOLLING)

How do I look?

Fantastic.
What about me?

Too much.

May I have the pleasure
of this dance?

Oh, anytime.

You dance divinely.

* My Arabella, Cinderella,
what does she do?

* She turns into a pumpkin
at the stroke of 2:00

* You know,
she should have done it
way back at midnight

* Why, oh, why
could she not
get a thing right?

Hey, look over there.

Where?

Over there.

It's Robert Danvers,
isn't it?

Yeah.
I don't believe it.

Quick, let's have
that camera.

* My Arabella, Cinderella

JOHN'S WIFE:
What did I tell you?

I knew what she was after
from the first moment
she came here.

It's only justice,
I suppose.

He's had a good long run.
Now he's got her.

Only I get her,
too, and I haven't
done nothing, have I?

You like that,
don't you, Andrew?

No.

(LAUGHING)

Well, you might
share it with us.

Here, look at this.

JIMMY:
Oh, no!

Here, take
a look at this.

She's only gone and
married the frigger.

Would you believe it?

Dropout,
that's what she is,
bloody dropout.

Robert.

Hmm?

I had a great time.
Thank you.

So have I, my love.
So have I.

You've been fantastic
to be with.

I've learned so much
from you.

Marion, you know,
you really are adorable.

And you're improving.

You almost sound
as if you mean it.

Robert.

Hmm?

Isn't it a drag
to have to
be going back?

Why don't we stay?

I'd love to stay, darling,
but I have to go back.

I have my new
television show to do.

Tell them to run
an old movie instead,

nobody will know
the difference.

You're very kind,
but I think that they
rather expect to see me.

You see,
that's the price
of fame, darling.

When there are
millions and millions

of viewers expecting
to see one,

one just cannot
let them down.

It's as simple as that.

Huh, my God,
what's happening?

What's going on here?

(MARION LAUGHING)

(ROBERT SCREAMING)

Hey, who are
they after?

Well, I'm not
entirely unknown,
you know.

I suppose
it might be me.

JOURNALIST 1:
Good morning, Mr. Danvers.
The Daily Express.

JOURNALIST 2:
May we have a picture?

Not like this,
if you don't mind.

JOURNALIST 3:
When were you married?
Was it England or France?

When was I what?

(WOMAN SPEAKING
OVER P.A. SYSTEM)

Here they come.

How about your marriage,
Mr. Danvers?

Once and for all,
gentlemen,
I am not married.

JOURNALIST 1:
Hold it, Mrs. Danvers.
Robert, look here.

ROBERT:
It was a mistake.

JOURNALIST 2:
What about the confetti?
A joke.

What's your maiden name,
Mrs. Danvers?
Ada Sludge.

Look this way, Ada.

When did you meet?

At breakfast.

Where?
In a Turkish bath.

Is this the first
time you've been
in love?

You mean today?

What's the difference
in your ages?

Minimal.

How do you think
your female fans
will feel?

Look, I am not married.
Off you go.

Oh, please, Robert,
come on, one nice quote,
just one... Ohh!

Lucky devil.

Of all the damn
silly ideas,

I knew that confetti
lark was a mistake.

How absurd,
how completely absurd.

Now, where's that
damn script?

It'll take me
about three hours
to tape the show.

Can I come
with you?

No, I'm sorry,
not this time,
darling.

I won't be
any trouble.

It's just that
I hate being alone.

Well, I won't be long.
I'll soon be back.

Then you won't
be alone.

(LAUGHING)

Bye, darling.

DOORMAN:
Good to see you back,
Mr. Danvers.

Thank you.

Where to, miss?

Back to Mr. Danvers'
place, miss?

Hello...

Somebody pulled the chain,
have they?

You got divorced
already, then?

I just wanted to see
what I've been missing
all this time.

You did, did you?

She still here?

(WHISTLES)

Caroline!

CAROLINE:
What is it?

JIMMY:
Come here a minute.

Oh, it's you.

Do you still want
to share us both?

Oh, changed your mind,
have you?

Now just a minute.

Shut up.
Nobody's asking you.

Well?

It's been lovely
seeing you both. Bye.

Mari, stop a minute.

Oh, Mari,
just listen a moment,
can't you?

Now hold it,
can't you, hold it.
Now hold it.

Now, look, gentlemen,

if Mr. Danvers
says he isn't married,
then that's it, isn't it?

Come on, John,
what's the score?

You must know.

I told you,
we're just good friends.

(ALL LAUGHING)

ALL:
Mr. Danvers!

I deny it all. I deny it all.
There's no marriage,
no comment, no nothing.

Then who are
the flowers for,
Mr. Danvers?

My Uncle Fred.

Darling?

Darling?

Yes, my sweet?

(LAUGHING)

Who let you in?

John.

Just put me out of
my misery, will you?

Married or single?

What? Single,
for God's sake,
single, single.

Oh, well,
I suppose it was
too good to be true.

After all, she did look
quite intelligent.

She is. Extremely so.

Incredible in
one so young, eh?

Does one have
to be senile
to be intelligent?

That's what she said.

She seems to see
right through things,
you know?

You mean, the close proximity
to you has enabled her
to realize

that while the fabric
may be decaying,
the structure is still sound.

(LAUGHS)

Well, let's just say
that she enjoys
being with me.

I teach her a lot.

Hmm.

Such as cooking.

Among other things, yes.

Thank you.

Well, then, now you have
something in common
for the long winter evenings.

There's one big difference,
though.

What's that?

She teaches me a lot.

Aah.
Mmm-hmm.

Now that is different.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Hi, darling.
Hello, Andrew.

ANDREW:
Hi!

Here.

For me?
Yes.

Oh!

Don't look so tragic.
Smell them.

Oh, it's fabulous, Robert.

But I can't take it.
No, I can't.

I'd better be going.

Oh, please don't,
Andrew.

Stay and keep
Robert company.

Ask him to stay
and eat.

Why the hell should I?
He gets fed at home,
doesn't he?

Well, ask him, please.

Andrew, you do have
to get back to Gilly
for dinner?

Yes.
You see, he can't.

Oh, he must.
Please, Andrew.

Now, what's all
this about?

Robert, I'm sorry,
but I'm going.

Where?

I'm leaving.

I see.

Why?

I have to.

Um, must you go now?

It's best that I do.

Oh, I still have your case.
I'll return it.

Yes, of course.

Look, uh,

why can't you
go tomorrow?

He's coming for me
any minute.

He?
Jimmy.

The drummer?
Yes.

What, that horrible
bloody drummer?

Yes. Shh!

I won't shush.
What do you mean,
shush?

Keep your voice down.

MARION:
I've just seen him,
and he's missed me.

ROBERT:
He's missed you?

Yes, he's forgiven me.

He's forgiven you?
Oh!

Have you forgotten
why you came here
in the first place?

Oh, he's gotten
rid of her.

Fancy him missing me.

I shall miss you.

Will you?

Mmm-hmm.

I'll tell you what.

What if I have
Jimmy send her around?

Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, she's very pretty.

You said she
was an old hag.

Well, that was
two weeks ago.

Why must you
go back to that
psychedelic zombie?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess he must
really love me
after all.

That's what you
said to me.

What?

You said...

You said, "I love you."

Did I?

Mmm-hmm.

Anyway, you don't
love me, do you?

So what's the odds?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Sorry, fellas,
no pictures.

Well?

Not so bad,
how's yourself?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Aah!

You're not him,
are you?

Well, I'm certainly
not her.

No, I mean old flyblow.
What's his name?

Uh, oh, no.

Hmm.

Well, I've come
to get her.

Of course,
you're the drummer boy.

That's right.

What's happened to
your other girlfriend?

Oh, her?
I've booted her ass
out of it.

Did you really?

You sweet
old-fashioned thing.

Where is she, then?

Who knows?
Rubbing her ass,
presumably.

Oh, you mean Marion?

Hi.

Andrew?
You will stay,
won't you?

He's gone all quiet.

If you want
me to.

Darling! Come
and meet Jimmy.

We've met.

MARION:
Not properly.

Now, please, for me.
Be friends.

Jimmy, this is Robert.
Robert, Jimmy.

And when you've shaken,
I want you to
come out fighting.

Quite a lad,
your mate, isn't he?

Well, you seem to have
looked after her all right,
so I'll say no more.

Now, that's nice.

Sweet.

Yes, well...

Come on, Mari.
We've got to go.

Oh, my cases, darling,
would you get them?

BOTH:
Yeah, sure.

They're in there.

I'll show you.

Andrew, will you
show him, please?

It's too late,
old chap.

Please.

Marion, don't go
with him.

I've got to.

I'll take you around
the world, anything.

I can't.

But I love you!

No, Robert.
You don't need me.
He does.

All right then,

I'll marry you.

JIMMY:
Here!

What's going on?

He just asked me
to marry him.

He what?

Listen,
I've got a good mind

to put my boot
right in your old
wedding furniture.

You'll never
marry her.

Marry him? No thanks.

I never asked you.

See, he doesn't
give a damn.

I'll stick one on you.

Shut up, Jimmy.

Oh, he gives me
a pain in the ass,
with all his posh chat.

You stick to your meat
and mushrooms, matey.

Shut up, I'm not
gonna marry him,
so shut up.

What?

What was that
you said?

I'm not going
to marry you.

ROBERT:
Why ever not?

Because I don't
want to.

Good God!

Do you mind
if I put in a word?

Oh, I wish you would.

Well, as you're obviously
not going to live
happily ever after

with young Lochinvar here...

Who?

...and as Robert certainly
isn't going to live happily
ever after without you,

why don't you
divide yourself up
and make them both happy?

Share myself out?

I can't make do
with half a woman.

No, no, no.
A whole woman,
half the time.

Sounds like paradise
to me.

You mean instead of
him getting two birds,
I get two fellows?

More or less, yes.

Hmm.

What a disgusting idea.

You dirty-minded
old perve.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

You should see
a head shrinker.

A married man with
a wife and five children.

You're sick.
I knew you were perverted
the first time I saw you.

How would you
like me to suggest that
to your eldest daughter?

She's only 8.

You're lucky I'm a pacifist,
otherwise I'd give you
a kick in the cobblers.

Leave him alone,
both of you.

He's only trying
to help.

Come on, you.

Take it.

Don't hang about.

You're smashing.

Bye, darling.

Could you live
with him and see me?

I don't know,
I've never tried it.

Well?

Okay, if he can spare me.

JIMMY:
Come on!

Bye.

Get a move on.
We're going to be late.

You off then?

Yes.

Sure you've got
everything?

Well, if I haven't,
I'll be back.

Good. I'll look
forward to that.

Have a drink,
old friend.

No, thanks.

I've got a rather peculiar
feeling in my stomach.

Is that love,
do you think?

No, wind.
You haven't eaten yet.

Ohh!

Go home to your wife.

Why don't you come, too?

Take you out of yourself.

I'm already out.

Well, if you change
your mind, call me.

Hmm.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

PAOLA:
Hello?

Hello?

This is Paola.

Who?
Paola.

Paola?

That's right.

Have you forgotten me?

Paola who?

You promised me
a Chinese meal, remember?

Uh, yes.

I promised you
a Chinese meal.

I have looked
forward very much.

Yes.

The thing is, I don't really
feel in a Chinese mood
at the moment.

Oh, but please,
this is my only day off.

It's your only day off?

Yes, my only day.

Hmm.

Look, where are you
speaking from?

I am very close to you.

I see, yes.

(PAOLA LAUGHING)

Um, look, um,
I'll tell you
what to do.

(IT'S GOTTA BE NOW
BY MIKE D'ABO PLAYING)

* If there's
a time for romance,
it's got to be now

* It's got to be now

* Before love dies

* If there's
a flame in your heart,
there's gonna be fire

* There's gonna be fire

* It's in your eyes

My God,
but you're lovely.

(MISS ME IN THE MORNING
BY MIKE D'ABO PLAYING)

* But if you last the night
without me

* Fair enough,
forget about me

* And I'll never try
to see you anymore

* Put a lock
on the door

* You'll see me no more

* Uh-huh

* You'll see me no more