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1
00:00:05,290 --> 00:00:07,280
Here he comes.
Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,130
What's this?
3
00:00:09,150 --> 00:00:10,190
Massage chair.
4
00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:12,230
Jiggles away the cares
of the day, jefe.
5
00:00:12,250 --> 00:00:13,270
Larry: Oh, that's great.
6
00:00:13,289 --> 00:00:15,019
Now I can get rid
of Stephanie.
7
00:00:15,039 --> 00:00:16,129
What's wrong
with Stephanie?
8
00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:18,009
Stephanie is good,
but she's a little unreliable.
9
00:00:18,030 --> 00:00:19,140
She didn't even
show up last week.
10
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,010
Larry, she just
had a baby.
11
00:00:22,030 --> 00:00:23,050
She was pregnant?
12
00:00:23,070 --> 00:00:24,190
Mmm.
Yeah.
13
00:00:24,210 --> 00:00:26,170
Well, we should send her
a spoon from Tiffany's.
14
00:00:26,190 --> 00:00:27,200
I-- I did that.
15
00:00:27,219 --> 00:00:29,159
Great. This looks
so relaxing.
16
00:00:29,179 --> 00:00:32,009
Ricardo Montalban
has one just like this.
17
00:00:32,030 --> 00:00:35,100
He said this chair
is just like having sex.
18
00:00:35,119 --> 00:00:37,279
Oh, great, so I'll sit in it
a couple of times,
19
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,030
it'll complain,
and then I'll sell it.
20
00:00:40,049 --> 00:00:41,139
(laughing)
21
00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:44,079
Hey. Hello, everyone.
Hi, Tom.
22
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:45,130
Sorry to interrupt.
23
00:00:45,149 --> 00:00:47,029
Mr. Tom Poston
is in the house!
24
00:00:47,049 --> 00:00:49,019
I have a joke
to tell you,
25
00:00:49,039 --> 00:00:50,999
then I have to get back
to "Grace Under Fire"
26
00:00:51,020 --> 00:00:52,260
before Brett notices
I'm gone.
27
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,210
Oh, go ahead, buddy,
shoot.
28
00:00:54,229 --> 00:00:56,159
What is perfectly
adorable,
29
00:00:56,179 --> 00:01:00,219
good as new, and has 7 tiny
little dents in it?
30
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:02,219
What?
31
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,200
Snow White's hymen.
32
00:01:04,219 --> 00:01:05,279
(all laughing)
33
00:01:10,289 --> 00:01:11,999
Is he on the show?
34
00:01:12,019 --> 00:01:14,079
He just came in
to tell us that joke?
35
00:01:14,099 --> 00:01:15,139
Mm-hmm.
36
00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,119
What is the--
how do you turn this on?
37
00:01:17,140 --> 00:01:19,130
You all set?
All right.
Yeah.
38
00:01:19,150 --> 00:01:20,240
Fire it up.
(humming)
39
00:01:20,260 --> 00:01:22,030
Ohh.
40
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,179
How's it feel?
41
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,200
What's not to feel?
42
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,139
I can't wait
to turn over.
43
00:01:27,159 --> 00:01:28,279
This is great.
Heh heh.
44
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,150
Well, you've been
a little tense lately.
45
00:01:31,170 --> 00:01:33,250
I think those days
are over.
46
00:01:33,270 --> 00:01:35,220
Show's been going good.
47
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,260
Yeah.
Guests have been good,
48
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,150
monologues
have been good.
49
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,180
Life is sweet, Artie.
50
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,070
Thank you.
51
00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:49,180
How's that?
No, lower.
52
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,280
There you go.
That's it.
53
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,160
Morning, Hank.
54
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,220
Artie, oh, I'm glad
you're here,
55
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,010
'Cause I want you
to hear this.
56
00:01:56,030 --> 00:01:57,050
Okay.
57
00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,229
Attention, everyone.
Everyone?
58
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:02,170
Good, uh, Hank has
an announcement
59
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:03,209
he'd like to make.
60
00:02:03,230 --> 00:02:05,110
Hank?
61
00:02:05,129 --> 00:02:06,289
Good morning.
62
00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:10,130
Uh, most of you here know me
as Hank Kingsley, sidekick.
63
00:02:10,150 --> 00:02:13,220
Or perhaps Hank Kingsley,
spokesperson.
64
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,170
Even Hank Kingsley, friend.
65
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:18,099
But from today on,
66
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,120
it would mean
so much to me
67
00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:23,139
if each of you referred to me
as Hank Lepstein.
68
00:02:24,139 --> 00:02:26,199
What?
Okay. Hank Lepstein.
69
00:02:26,219 --> 00:02:28,279
Could we take a walk
to your office for a moment?
70
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,020
Did I-- did I
do something?
I'm not sure.
71
00:02:31,039 --> 00:02:33,999
This is more along the lines
of a preemptive strike.
72
00:02:37,129 --> 00:02:38,289
Why the mezuzah?
Why this?
73
00:02:39,009 --> 00:02:41,009
Oh, well, this?
This is called a chai,
74
00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,130
Yeah.
and it's the Hebrew symbol...
75
00:02:42,150 --> 00:02:44,080
Both: For life.
Yes, I know
what it is.
76
00:02:44,099 --> 00:02:46,249
When did you become
one of the chosen people?
77
00:02:46,270 --> 00:02:49,000
Well, actually this weekend.
78
00:02:49,020 --> 00:02:51,250
This is real.
My life has changed.
79
00:02:51,270 --> 00:02:55,220
You see, I--
I bumped into Marvin Hamlisch.
He's a sweet guy.
80
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,010
He's a genius guy.
81
00:02:57,030 --> 00:02:58,250
Not so pretty,
but awfully sweet.
82
00:02:58,270 --> 00:02:59,290
Sit down.
Let's talk about it.
83
00:03:00,009 --> 00:03:02,149
Well... it turns out
84
00:03:02,169 --> 00:03:04,279
that we were standing
in front of Marvin's synagogue.
85
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,230
And he said "Well, you want to
go in for services?"
86
00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:08,100
I was born a Jew.
87
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,190
Yeah?
Yeah.
88
00:03:09,210 --> 00:03:11,170
But I've hidden it
all my life.
89
00:03:11,189 --> 00:03:12,999
First in school,
so I wouldn't get beat up.
90
00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:14,260
And then in show business,
91
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,270
so I wouldn't
alienate my public.
92
00:03:16,289 --> 00:03:19,219
Artie...
93
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,260
I walked into that temple,
94
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:27,010
and a-- a spirit just--
it filled me.
95
00:03:27,030 --> 00:03:31,030
And all of a sudden I realized
how empty my life has become.
96
00:03:31,050 --> 00:03:34,200
You know, the drinking,
the gambling, and the cheap sex,
97
00:03:34,219 --> 00:03:37,179
and I mean--
oh, what a waste of time.
98
00:03:37,199 --> 00:03:39,029
Why don't you just
lie down there,
99
00:03:39,050 --> 00:03:41,150
I'll get you a cold cloth,
you poor bastard.
100
00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:43,280
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-- I'm fine.
101
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,240
It's just that--
the thing is...
102
00:03:47,039 --> 00:03:49,999
I want to regain...
my faith.
103
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:52,280
I want to rejoin
my people.
104
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,210
I-- I mean, I've just
wasted so many years
105
00:03:55,229 --> 00:03:58,099
and the rabbi is coming here
this afternoon to talk to me.
106
00:03:58,120 --> 00:03:59,180
The rabbi's
coming here?
107
00:03:59,199 --> 00:04:00,229
Isn't that great?
108
00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:03,090
Hank,
I'm happy for you.
109
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,140
You know, I've worked
for your people a long time.
110
00:04:05,159 --> 00:04:06,249
They run this town.
111
00:04:06,270 --> 00:04:09,110
They run it
a hell of a lot better
than the Asians.
112
00:04:09,129 --> 00:04:11,259
Wow, thank you.
That's so very kind.
113
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,290
Why don't you do us
all a big favor?
114
00:04:14,009 --> 00:04:15,279
Just keep it
to yourself.
115
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,030
Why?
116
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,040
'Cause this is television,
117
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,250
and we're just trying
to entertain people.
118
00:04:21,269 --> 00:04:24,099
Morality's just gonna
get in the way.
119
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,130
Oh, I'm sorry,
I think you're overreacting.
120
00:04:26,149 --> 00:04:28,019
Okay.
121
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,100
Well...
122
00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:31,270
let's put it this way.
123
00:04:34,079 --> 00:04:37,199
You got people in an office
discussing religion,
124
00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:39,170
it separates them.
125
00:04:39,189 --> 00:04:42,069
Now you take
our little group.
126
00:04:42,090 --> 00:04:43,290
Phil is a Buddhist.
127
00:04:44,009 --> 00:04:44,289
Phil-- I didn't know that.
128
00:04:45,009 --> 00:04:46,249
That's exactly my point.
129
00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:49,159
Beverly is a Christian,
Paula's an Atheist,
130
00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:51,140
but we all join hands
131
00:04:51,159 --> 00:04:53,159
to put this show together
every night.
132
00:04:53,180 --> 00:04:55,250
And I don't want you
to fuck that up.
133
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,179
What religion is Larry?
134
00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:02,140
Larry's a talk show host.
135
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,240
Shalom, baby.
136
00:05:05,089 --> 00:05:06,289
Good morning.
137
00:05:07,009 --> 00:05:08,049
Oh, good morning, Hank.
138
00:05:08,069 --> 00:05:09,119
How are you?
139
00:05:09,139 --> 00:05:10,159
Uh, good.
How are you?
140
00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:11,260
I'm fine.
141
00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:14,209
Uh, listen, I wanted
to ask you about a, uh,
142
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:16,210
about the sketch
you wrote,
143
00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:19,120
about the one-size-
that-fits-all condom.
144
00:05:19,139 --> 00:05:20,129
Yeah, what about it?
145
00:05:20,149 --> 00:05:21,149
I'd like you
to change it.
146
00:05:21,170 --> 00:05:22,240
Change it?
147
00:05:22,259 --> 00:05:26,229
I-- I just feel awkward
appearing in something
148
00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:29,040
that treats sexual
promiscuity among teens
149
00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:31,000
in such
a cavalier manner.
150
00:05:31,019 --> 00:05:33,149
(laughs)
That's hilarious.
151
00:05:33,170 --> 00:05:35,230
Let me get that down.
152
00:05:35,250 --> 00:05:38,150
Hey, I'm not
pitching a joke, asshole.
153
00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:40,250
My rabbi is coming by
this afternoon,
154
00:05:40,269 --> 00:05:42,219
plans on staying
to see the show.
155
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,270
I'm not gonna participate
in this kind of material.
156
00:05:44,290 --> 00:05:46,290
(laughing)
Stop it, you're killing me.
157
00:05:47,009 --> 00:05:49,079
Okay, rabbi is
coming by the show--
158
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:51,070
What makes you think
this is so funny?
159
00:05:51,090 --> 00:05:52,210
You're not even Jewish.
160
00:05:52,230 --> 00:05:53,220
I am Jewish.
161
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,180
No, you're not.
I am Jewish.
162
00:05:55,199 --> 00:05:57,049
No, you're not.
I am Jewish!
163
00:05:57,069 --> 00:05:59,279
When we did the dyslexic
accountant sketch last month,
164
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,280
you complained to me because it
made you look too Jewish.
165
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,200
Yes, well,
people can change, Phil.
166
00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:06,060
This is called
spiritual growth.
167
00:06:06,079 --> 00:06:07,219
Well, I'm sorry.
This is called disbelief,
168
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,000
because most Jewish people
that I know are smart.
169
00:06:10,019 --> 00:06:11,169
Well, at least
I'm smart enough
170
00:06:11,189 --> 00:06:14,169
not to worship
a-- a god that sits
171
00:06:14,189 --> 00:06:15,289
in the middle of
a Chinese restaurant
172
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:19,149
with a sign that says,
"Rub my belly for luck."
173
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:21,140
Um, Hank.
Yes?
174
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,120
Is your rabbi coming here
to the show?
175
00:06:23,139 --> 00:06:24,129
Yes.
176
00:06:24,149 --> 00:06:26,149
Okay, well,
that is not fair.
177
00:06:26,170 --> 00:06:28,260
Because the pastor
from my church
wanted to come,
178
00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:30,199
but Artie asked me
not to invite him.
179
00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:32,270
Could you guys
take this outside?
Hank: Pfft!
180
00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:34,010
Brian: Hank?
Yes?
181
00:06:34,029 --> 00:06:35,189
Rabbi Klein is here
for the tour.
182
00:06:35,209 --> 00:06:37,109
A tour?
Wait a minute.
183
00:06:37,129 --> 00:06:39,189
How is it that your rabbi
gets to have some tour?
184
00:06:39,209 --> 00:06:41,049
Well, I am sure
that you would agree
185
00:06:41,069 --> 00:06:43,059
that a rabbi
fits more nicely
186
00:06:43,079 --> 00:06:44,229
into a show business
environment.
187
00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:46,160
Oh, and what is that
supposed to mean?
188
00:06:46,180 --> 00:06:48,020
It doesn't mean anything!
189
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,130
Artie, how is it that--
that Hank's rabbi
190
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,049
gets to come
and see the show
and have a tour
191
00:06:53,069 --> 00:06:54,129
and my pastor can't?
192
00:06:54,149 --> 00:06:55,249
Are we having
a rally in here?
193
00:06:55,269 --> 00:06:57,079
Phil is supposed
to be writing.
194
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:58,160
Thank you.
195
00:06:58,180 --> 00:07:00,120
I'm leaving.
Remember what I said.
196
00:07:00,139 --> 00:07:01,259
Oh, oh, boy.
197
00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:04,219
Beverly, sweetie,
I apologize.
198
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,000
You can bring your pastor
here any time you like.
199
00:07:07,019 --> 00:07:08,239
Sorry, Artie,
too late.
200
00:07:08,259 --> 00:07:10,169
You know, I'm sorry, Artie.
201
00:07:10,189 --> 00:07:12,009
I just can't believe he's
pushing this whole
202
00:07:12,029 --> 00:07:14,089
religion thing
in everyone's face.
203
00:07:14,110 --> 00:07:16,160
Well, Phil, I can't believe
you're a comedy writer,
204
00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:18,240
but we have to
take them both on faith.
205
00:07:21,069 --> 00:07:24,029
And now, because you're my
special guest this afternoon,
206
00:07:24,050 --> 00:07:27,150
Rabbi Klein!
207
00:07:30,139 --> 00:07:32,009
I'm so embarrassed.
208
00:07:32,029 --> 00:07:34,129
No, you shouldn't be.
You're-- you're a natural.
209
00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:37,019
Oh, god.
This is so exciting.
210
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,190
Uh-huh.
Thank you
for this tour.
211
00:07:38,209 --> 00:07:39,219
No, no, thank you.
212
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:42,110
Thank you for
opening my eyes.
213
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,039
Now this is--
this is my couch.
214
00:07:44,060 --> 00:07:45,260
Mm-hmm.
Would you like
to have a sit?
215
00:07:45,279 --> 00:07:47,259
Thanks, Hank. Yeah.
216
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,170
Ooh! You know,
this would--
217
00:07:53,189 --> 00:07:55,169
this would be
a real good place
218
00:07:55,189 --> 00:07:57,149
to hide the matzo
on Passover.
219
00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:59,030
It sure would.
(chuckles)
220
00:07:59,050 --> 00:08:01,040
Hank, you have been
blessed with a gift.
221
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:03,000
And with so much talent.
222
00:08:03,019 --> 00:08:05,149
Thank you.
It-- it is wonderful
you get to share it
223
00:08:05,170 --> 00:08:06,210
with so many people.
224
00:08:06,230 --> 00:08:08,170
Thank you-- you know,
you're talented, too.
225
00:08:08,189 --> 00:08:10,159
No, when I saw you in front
of that congregation,
226
00:08:10,180 --> 00:08:12,200
the passion
in your voice
227
00:08:12,220 --> 00:08:15,100
and the--
the way you commanded
everyone's attention,
228
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,130
I think rabbis
are so wise
229
00:08:17,149 --> 00:08:18,279
and-- and so good.
230
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,170
And they let
you guys marry.
231
00:08:20,189 --> 00:08:21,189
Right?
That's right.
232
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,159
Well, that's so healthy
233
00:08:23,180 --> 00:08:25,290
because Catholic priests
can't do that,
234
00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:29,059
which is why I believe so many
of them have prostate problems.
235
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,220
I really want to join
your temple, Rabbi Klein.
236
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,230
Well, I'm very glad
to hear that.
237
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,159
Do you observe
the sabbath?
238
00:08:37,179 --> 00:08:38,179
In what way?
239
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,110
Do you go to temple
on Friday nights
240
00:08:41,129 --> 00:08:42,159
and refrain
from all work?
241
00:08:42,179 --> 00:08:43,279
Oh, no, no.
No, I mean,
242
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,060
because we have
the show every night.
243
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,260
Oh.
And-- and--
and Friday nights,
244
00:08:46,279 --> 00:08:48,009
well, that's
a big night for us,
245
00:08:48,029 --> 00:08:50,119
because we usually
have a band.
Yeah.
246
00:08:50,139 --> 00:08:51,259
And keep kosher?
247
00:08:51,279 --> 00:08:53,019
No.
248
00:08:54,139 --> 00:08:55,279
You observe
the high holidays, though?
249
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,230
Uh, Yom Kippur
and the 4th of July.
250
00:08:57,250 --> 00:08:58,290
(laughs)
251
00:08:59,009 --> 00:09:01,009
As a Jew
I'm not very good.
252
00:09:01,029 --> 00:09:03,099
Well, as a Jew
you're almost a methodist.
253
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:06,060
You know, Hank,
this is a big decision.
254
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,010
It requires a deep,
deep commitment.
255
00:09:09,029 --> 00:09:10,219
I know.
256
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,010
And also a purity
of intention.
257
00:09:13,029 --> 00:09:14,079
Okay.
258
00:09:15,149 --> 00:09:17,089
Are your intentions pure?
259
00:09:17,110 --> 00:09:18,260
Oh, yes.
260
00:09:18,279 --> 00:09:22,019
And... we'll work
on the rest?
261
00:09:22,039 --> 00:09:23,169
Absolutely.
262
00:09:25,090 --> 00:09:26,130
Then I would be honored
to have you
263
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,269
as a member of our synagogue.
264
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,030
Thank you.
Thank you, Rabbi Klein.
265
00:09:31,049 --> 00:09:32,249
You know, I have
a little something for you.
266
00:09:35,210 --> 00:09:37,100
Oh, no, that's--
267
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,120
Yes.
268
00:09:45,190 --> 00:09:46,260
(emotionally)
Thank you.
269
00:09:46,279 --> 00:09:48,069
Thank you,
Rabbi Klein.
270
00:09:49,139 --> 00:09:50,209
I have to tell you,
I feel very strange
271
00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:52,150
just calling you
Rabbi Klein all the time.
272
00:09:52,169 --> 00:09:53,289
Well, then,
call me Susan.
273
00:09:54,009 --> 00:09:56,129
Well, Susan,
I have to tell you
274
00:09:56,149 --> 00:09:58,039
that, uh,
after all this time, I--
275
00:09:58,059 --> 00:10:01,009
I feel like I'm coming home
again or something.
Oh.
276
00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:03,180
You have soft skin.
277
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,000
I mean-- I mean,
for a rabbi.
278
00:10:05,019 --> 00:10:06,129
(chuckles)
279
00:10:06,149 --> 00:10:07,249
Thank you.
280
00:10:07,269 --> 00:10:09,199
Artie:
Uh, Hank...
281
00:10:09,220 --> 00:10:11,250
Hank, rehearsal
in 15 minutes.
282
00:10:11,269 --> 00:10:12,259
Oh, uh, Artie,
come over here.
283
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,249
I want you
to meet somebody.
284
00:10:14,269 --> 00:10:17,199
Artie, this is Susan.
285
00:10:17,220 --> 00:10:19,260
Pleasure to
meet you, Susan.
Likewise.
286
00:10:19,279 --> 00:10:21,279
Please don't have sex
with Hank before the show.
287
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,200
It makes
his blood sugar drop.
288
00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:26,070
(laughs)
Artie.
289
00:10:26,090 --> 00:10:28,160
Artie,
this is my rabbi.
290
00:10:29,289 --> 00:10:32,229
(stammering)
Oh, rabbi, I meant
no disrespect.
291
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:34,230
Forgive me.
It's okay, really.
292
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:36,050
Hank, may I have
a word with you?
293
00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:38,040
You know, should I go?
I don't want to be in the way.
294
00:10:38,059 --> 00:10:39,259
I'm sure you all have
a lot of work to do.
295
00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:41,169
Absolutely not,
rabbi.
296
00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:44,230
We're thrilled
to have you here. Hank?
297
00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:46,170
Thank you, Artie.
298
00:10:46,190 --> 00:10:48,260
You're very welcome.
Now get rid of her.
299
00:10:48,279 --> 00:10:50,189
Well, she's staying
to watch the show.
300
00:10:50,210 --> 00:10:52,170
Well, then, put her
in the green room.
301
00:10:52,190 --> 00:10:55,040
Larry's on his way to rehearse
"Larry's Funny Photos."
302
00:10:55,059 --> 00:10:57,059
Religion makes him
very uncomfortable.
303
00:10:59,210 --> 00:11:01,060
Welcome back.
304
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,040
And tonight,
you are in for a treat
305
00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:05,249
because it's time again
for "Larry's Funny Photos."
306
00:11:05,269 --> 00:11:08,119
(drum roll)
Or as I like to call it,
307
00:11:08,139 --> 00:11:11,069
"Larry's Funny Photos."
308
00:11:13,159 --> 00:11:16,019
Let's get started.
309
00:11:16,039 --> 00:11:18,149
"Scientists using the latest
available technology
310
00:11:18,169 --> 00:11:20,269
"were able to
give us a first look
311
00:11:20,289 --> 00:11:23,259
at Boris Yeltsin's
inner child."
312
00:11:23,279 --> 00:11:25,239
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
313
00:11:29,129 --> 00:11:31,049
What are you doing?
You all right?
314
00:11:31,070 --> 00:11:32,270
I'm-- I'm supporting you
with my laughter.
315
00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:34,219
Well, you are always
there for me,
316
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,220
Thank you.
and therein
lies the problem.
317
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,170
You know, you've--
you've reminded me of something
318
00:11:39,190 --> 00:11:42,210
that I-- I read
from the Talmud today.
319
00:11:43,279 --> 00:11:47,099
"A friend loveth
at all times,
320
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:52,120
but, um, a brother
is born for adversity."
321
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,210
We'll be right back...
322
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,120
and, uh,
no flipping.
323
00:12:00,139 --> 00:12:01,209
(cheers, applause)
(jazz music playing)
324
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:04,160
Man: Clear!
325
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,140
Look, isn't that--
326
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:08,219
you're gonna wear that
the whole show?
327
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,100
Yeah.
Is that okay?
328
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,140
Well, it's a little
distracting.
329
00:12:12,159 --> 00:12:14,019
I don't think so.
I mean, it--
330
00:12:14,039 --> 00:12:16,079
A little distracting.
I think
it might even help.
331
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:19,120
I do, I mean, Sally Field wore
her hat on "The Flying Nun"
332
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,239
and look at that.
That was a big show.
333
00:12:20,259 --> 00:12:22,129
That was-- that was
a show about a flying nun.
334
00:12:22,149 --> 00:12:23,139
You're Catholic, huh?
335
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:25,219
No! Larry
is not Catholic.
336
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:28,040
It's odd, you know.
I've known you for so long--
337
00:12:28,059 --> 00:12:29,099
I mean, 15 years.
338
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,050
I actually don't know
what religion you are.
339
00:12:31,070 --> 00:12:32,210
That's a private matter.
Artie?
340
00:12:32,230 --> 00:12:34,150
You believe in god?
That is-- Artie?
341
00:12:34,169 --> 00:12:37,249
You're in the middle
of a show, buster.
Artie?
342
00:12:37,269 --> 00:12:40,149
You know, Artie--
gee, the show's been going great
343
00:12:40,169 --> 00:12:42,189
I think so.
and I love my new chair.
344
00:12:42,210 --> 00:12:44,140
Please, please,
take care of this.
345
00:12:44,159 --> 00:12:45,219
You got it.
346
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,260
Take that off.
347
00:12:52,279 --> 00:12:55,109
All right, I will meet you
at the coke machine
348
00:12:55,129 --> 00:12:56,249
after the show.
349
00:12:56,269 --> 00:12:58,159
You behave yourself.
350
00:13:02,110 --> 00:13:04,110
That-- that is inside out,
by the way.
351
00:13:04,129 --> 00:13:06,079
Man: In five...
352
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,240
(music ends)
353
00:13:07,259 --> 00:13:09,159
Okay, we're back.
354
00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:15,250
I want to thank
those of you at home
355
00:13:15,269 --> 00:13:17,199
for inviting me
into your living room,
356
00:13:17,220 --> 00:13:19,060
and a little later
I'd like to tour
357
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,070
the rest
of the place.
358
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:22,100
(laughing)
359
00:13:25,139 --> 00:13:27,179
Why can't you just
take it off for the show?
360
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,200
All right, just try
looking at it this way.
361
00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:32,140
You're a Dodgers fan, right?
Yeah.
362
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:34,109
Okay, and sometimes
you wear a Dodgers cap.
363
00:13:34,129 --> 00:13:35,259
But I'm not
wearing one right now!
364
00:13:35,279 --> 00:13:39,049
I-- I am on God's team,
and this is God's cap.
365
00:13:39,070 --> 00:13:42,010
And besides, I am-- I am looking
at the postseason.
366
00:13:43,149 --> 00:13:44,179
Okay, I know
how excited you are
367
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,090
about this whole
religion thing.
368
00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:49,050
Hell, when I was 12,
I got baptized,
369
00:13:49,070 --> 00:13:51,050
and I didn't shut up about it
until a year later
370
00:13:51,070 --> 00:13:52,160
when I got laid.
371
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:55,159
I had no idea that you were
a religious man, Artie.
372
00:13:55,179 --> 00:13:59,169
That's because I talk to the man
upstairs on my own time
373
00:13:59,190 --> 00:14:02,060
and not in the middle
of "Larry's Funny Photos."
374
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:03,230
All right,
I'm going to try to limit
375
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:05,130
my religious references
on the air.
376
00:14:05,149 --> 00:14:07,049
Good.
But I intend to wear
377
00:14:07,070 --> 00:14:08,160
this yarmulke at all times
378
00:14:08,179 --> 00:14:10,189
in accordance
with Jewish law.
379
00:14:10,210 --> 00:14:11,270
By the way, is there
any chance of me
380
00:14:11,289 --> 00:14:13,019
not working on Fridays?
381
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,069
You keep this shit up,
382
00:14:15,090 --> 00:14:17,160
there's a chance you might not
work the entire week.
383
00:14:17,179 --> 00:14:19,269
God bless you,
Artie.
Mazel tov.
384
00:14:19,289 --> 00:14:21,289
I'm so relieved
that Hank has finally come out.
385
00:14:22,009 --> 00:14:25,139
What do you mean?
Well, don't you remember
at last year's Christmas party?
386
00:14:25,159 --> 00:14:28,029
He insisted on being
Santa Claus
387
00:14:28,049 --> 00:14:29,189
Oh.
and then he made sure
that everybody saw
388
00:14:29,210 --> 00:14:31,040
that he was eating the ham.
389
00:14:31,059 --> 00:14:34,109
He even made sure
that he left early
for midnight Mass.
390
00:14:34,129 --> 00:14:36,269
That's right.
It was all part
of the cover up.
391
00:14:36,289 --> 00:14:38,049
Larry:
Beverly?
392
00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:40,090
Somebody's been
sitting in my chair.
393
00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:42,260
(laughs)
Did they also
eat your porridge, too?
394
00:14:42,279 --> 00:14:44,139
You know, like "Goldilocks
and the Three Bears."
395
00:14:44,159 --> 00:14:46,279
Oh, right. Beverly,
somebody has been
sitting in my chair.
396
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,110
Yes, Larry.
Would you please
send out a memo
397
00:14:48,129 --> 00:14:49,119
to tell them not to.
398
00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:50,179
I-- I certainly will.
399
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,260
Thank you.
400
00:14:56,210 --> 00:14:59,090
Arthur, we already heard
from the sponsors on this.
401
00:14:59,110 --> 00:15:00,160
They feel that our programming
402
00:15:00,179 --> 00:15:03,059
should not be linked
to any one faction.
403
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,250
Well, I don't exactly
mean faction--
404
00:15:05,269 --> 00:15:07,289
What she means is,
they want our appeal
405
00:15:08,009 --> 00:15:10,229
to be nondenominational,
and we agree.
406
00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:12,140
Well, I've spoken to Hank
about this,
407
00:15:12,159 --> 00:15:13,189
and I've explained
the problem,
408
00:15:13,210 --> 00:15:15,150
but you should know
he feels very strongly
409
00:15:15,169 --> 00:15:17,219
about expressing
his religious freedom.
410
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,030
And we're sensitive
to that.
411
00:15:19,049 --> 00:15:21,209
But the fact is
that we are not
"The 700 Club."
412
00:15:21,230 --> 00:15:23,180
We are
a commercial network,
413
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,060
and we're in the business
of making money.
414
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,140
I couldn't agree more
with you, Stu, but...
415
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:29,029
if we don't
handle this properly,
416
00:15:29,049 --> 00:15:31,139
it's gonna bite us
right on the ass.
417
00:15:31,159 --> 00:15:33,039
(door opens)
Hank.
418
00:15:33,059 --> 00:15:34,049
Hello, Melanie.
419
00:15:34,070 --> 00:15:36,080
Hey, sit down, buddy.
Thank you.
420
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:39,080
Um, it's--
you seem a little upset.
421
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,060
No, no, not at all.
422
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,070
I, uh, just didn't expect you,
that's all.
423
00:15:43,090 --> 00:15:45,120
(Hank chuckles)
I bet you didn't.
Hello, Stu.
424
00:15:45,139 --> 00:15:47,139
Well, I-- I just thought,
you know, uh,
425
00:15:47,159 --> 00:15:50,079
well, this meeting
just might be about me.
426
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,110
So if it is,
I think I should be here,
427
00:15:52,129 --> 00:15:53,239
but go ahead,
don't let me interrupt.
428
00:15:53,259 --> 00:15:54,259
Go ahead, go ahead.
429
00:15:59,129 --> 00:16:01,199
Hank, uh...
430
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,109
there are some concerns
about you
431
00:16:05,129 --> 00:16:07,149
wearing your yarmulke
on the show.
432
00:16:07,169 --> 00:16:10,219
We simply do not feel
it's appropriate.
433
00:16:12,009 --> 00:16:14,189
But you're-- you're Jewish,
aren't you, Stu?
434
00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:19,070
Yes, I am, but I am
behind the camera,
435
00:16:19,090 --> 00:16:21,120
where the viewing public
cannot see me.
436
00:16:21,139 --> 00:16:23,079
Melanie:
Hank.
437
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:26,040
The audience thinks
of performers as--
438
00:16:26,059 --> 00:16:28,099
well, as their friends.
People just like themselves.
439
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,190
And if they find out
that you're different,
440
00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:33,130
they might just
go get new friends.
441
00:16:33,149 --> 00:16:35,039
We live in a racist society.
442
00:16:35,059 --> 00:16:38,089
Even behind the camera,
apparently.
443
00:16:38,110 --> 00:16:40,130
You know what you are, Stu?
444
00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:41,179
You're an Uncle Tom.
445
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,200
Don't act
like a schmuck.
446
00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:44,040
Boy, well,
when it comes out,
447
00:16:44,059 --> 00:16:46,039
it just pours out,
doesn't it?
448
00:16:46,059 --> 00:16:48,229
Hank, Hank,
I apologize for Stu.
449
00:16:48,250 --> 00:16:50,230
I think we can all agree
450
00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:53,030
that we're under a lot
of pressure right now.
451
00:16:53,049 --> 00:16:54,109
Well, maybe you guys
can, uh,
452
00:16:54,129 --> 00:16:55,179
cave to
society's pressure,
453
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,260
but, uh, not Hank Lepstein.
454
00:16:57,279 --> 00:16:59,209
Who's Hank Lepstein?
455
00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:02,010
Me. I am Hank Lepstein.
456
00:17:05,170 --> 00:17:07,230
Stu, the fall schedule sucks.
457
00:17:14,230 --> 00:17:16,150
He changed his name.
458
00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:18,130
Well, my buddy, John Cougar,
459
00:17:18,150 --> 00:17:20,230
he changed back
to his real name, Mellencamp.
460
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:22,190
Let's not make
a big deal out of this.
461
00:17:22,210 --> 00:17:24,250
Yes, but, Arthur,
there's only one difference.
462
00:17:24,269 --> 00:17:25,999
Yeah?
463
00:17:26,019 --> 00:17:28,099
This is a big deal.
464
00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:30,189
What you're saying is that,
when you're not here,
465
00:17:30,210 --> 00:17:32,190
people come in
and they sit in your chair.
466
00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:34,210
Right.
Okay.
467
00:17:34,230 --> 00:17:37,020
Well, why don't you
just lock the doors?
468
00:17:37,039 --> 00:17:38,149
No, I can't-- I can't
lock the doors,
469
00:17:38,170 --> 00:17:39,200
'cause then I would look
paranoid.
470
00:17:39,220 --> 00:17:42,050
So I just want to put
a lock on the chair.
471
00:17:42,069 --> 00:17:44,139
A lock. I can't put
a lock on the chair.
472
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,060
Well, or something.
473
00:17:46,079 --> 00:17:48,119
Um, you know what I can do?
474
00:17:48,140 --> 00:17:51,140
I can pull a line
off the heating element,
475
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,160
and then when somebody
comes in to sit on it...
476
00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:56,119
they get a shock.
477
00:17:56,140 --> 00:17:59,180
Uh, I couldn't do that.
What?
478
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,200
It wouldn't kill them.
479
00:18:00,220 --> 00:18:03,150
They just come walking in,
you know?
480
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:06,120
You're not here, obviously,
and they sit in it.
481
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,200
And they just get a little--
(mimics shock)
482
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:09,220
little butt hummer.
483
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,090
Really?
484
00:18:11,109 --> 00:18:12,099
And it works.
485
00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:14,089
You know, ask my kids.
486
00:18:14,109 --> 00:18:15,219
Okay.
487
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,110
Sounds good.
488
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,120
(mimics shock)
489
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:20,140
(both laugh)
490
00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:24,119
No, I'm sorry.
I-- I--
491
00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:25,190
I can't do it.
492
00:18:25,210 --> 00:18:28,140
Ah, shit, Hank.
Why are you being so stubborn?
493
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,160
Uncle Miltie never wore
a yarmulke on his show
494
00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:31,250
and neither did Jack Benny.
495
00:18:31,269 --> 00:18:33,259
Okay, Sammy wore it,
but that was part
of his shtick.
496
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,019
You'll get this yarmulke
497
00:18:35,039 --> 00:18:36,159
when you pry it off
my cold, dead head.
498
00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:37,200
You listen to me, buddy.
499
00:18:37,220 --> 00:18:40,030
You're putting us
all in jeopardy here.
500
00:18:40,049 --> 00:18:42,069
Now take it off
and put it in your pocket.
501
00:18:42,089 --> 00:18:43,139
I will not.
502
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,110
America's just gonna have
to get used to this.
503
00:18:45,130 --> 00:18:46,140
(audience applauds)
504
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,130
I thought you were taking care
of this problem with Hank.
505
00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:49,240
I'm on it.
506
00:18:49,259 --> 00:18:52,039
Yeah, well, listen, Artie,
the show's been going well.
507
00:18:52,059 --> 00:18:53,209
I love my new chair.
508
00:18:53,230 --> 00:18:55,200
Please, I'm asking you
for the last time,
509
00:18:55,220 --> 00:18:57,270
take care of this.
Don't give it
another thought.
510
00:18:57,289 --> 00:18:59,159
Have a good show.
511
00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:03,209
Don't worry.
512
00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:05,220
And we're back.
513
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,090
You've come on a terrific night.
Welcome back.
514
00:19:08,109 --> 00:19:10,149
Um, my next guests
515
00:19:10,170 --> 00:19:12,140
are making their very first
appearance on the show.
516
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,200
And we're--
Uh, you know,
517
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:18,020
in my faith,
we have a prayer
518
00:19:18,039 --> 00:19:21,199
that commemorates when something
happens for the first time.
519
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:23,110
Oh.
Do you want
to hear it?
520
00:19:23,130 --> 00:19:25,220
Not right now.
Let's get to the band,
521
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,170
because it's their
first time on
522
00:19:27,190 --> 00:19:29,030
and they have a new CD,
523
00:19:29,049 --> 00:19:31,149
which is called
"Factory Showroom,"
Mm-hmm.
524
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,040
on Elektra Records,
525
00:19:33,059 --> 00:19:35,179
and they're performing
the song "S-E-X-X-Y."
526
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,190
Please welcome
They Might Be Giants.
527
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:39,150
(cheering and applause)
528
00:19:39,170 --> 00:19:42,200
(rock music playing)
529
00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:45,140
♪ S-E-X-X-Y ♪
530
00:19:47,170 --> 00:19:50,090
♪ More than enough ♪
531
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:56,200
♪ Around the clock
with nobody else ♪
532
00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:59,010
♪ S-E-X-X-Y ♪
533
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,260
♪ There she is... ♪
534
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:08,140
Hank, I reached Rabbi Klein.
She's in the corner.
535
00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:12,150
♪ Cookie in one hand... ♪
536
00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:14,060
Good band, eh?
537
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:17,039
♪ On her hand,
S-E-X-X-Y... ♪
538
00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:20,250
Thank you.
539
00:20:20,269 --> 00:20:22,189
Thank you
for coming.
540
00:20:22,210 --> 00:20:24,240
Uh, could you
excuse us?
541
00:20:24,259 --> 00:20:26,159
Oh, yeah, yeah, Hank.
542
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:28,190
Be careful,
she's a hot box here.
543
00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:31,130
All right. Ah, they're just
giving me so much pressure,
544
00:20:31,150 --> 00:20:32,250
and I just wanted
some emotional support.
545
00:20:32,269 --> 00:20:34,159
Well, I'm here to help
any way I can.
546
00:20:34,180 --> 00:20:38,050
No one wants me to wear
the yarmulke on the show.
547
00:20:38,069 --> 00:20:40,169
But I'm standing tough.
I'm standing tough.
548
00:20:40,190 --> 00:20:43,060
Like the-- like the Hebrews
at Masada.
549
00:20:43,079 --> 00:20:44,279
All right.
Well, you know,
550
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,090
let me try to put this
in perspective:
551
00:20:47,109 --> 00:20:49,049
The yarmulke and
the wearing of the yarmulke,
552
00:20:49,069 --> 00:20:50,229
it's a very important
symbolic gesture,
553
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,200
but it's just a gesture.
554
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:55,280
Your spirituality
comes from within.
555
00:20:56,279 --> 00:20:58,079
You are fantastic.
556
00:20:58,099 --> 00:21:00,159
You are...
Hank...
557
00:21:00,180 --> 00:21:02,090
You never met Hank Kingsley,
558
00:21:02,109 --> 00:21:03,189
and I'm very glad
for that
559
00:21:03,210 --> 00:21:05,080
because he was talented,
560
00:21:05,099 --> 00:21:06,169
and, well, he was
pretty darn charming,
561
00:21:06,190 --> 00:21:08,230
but other than that,
there was no one there.
562
00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:12,120
And now you got a chance
to meet the-- the new Hank--
563
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:15,200
the proud, the strong,
the Jewish Hank.
564
00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:19,160
I have-- I have so much
more to give now, Susan.
565
00:21:19,180 --> 00:21:21,060
Right, to the temple.
566
00:21:23,079 --> 00:21:25,229
I'm very attracted
to you.
567
00:21:28,089 --> 00:21:31,179
I am, and, uh...
568
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,080
I would just like
the opportunity to explore
569
00:21:34,099 --> 00:21:36,239
that attraction to see where
it takes us.
570
00:21:36,259 --> 00:21:39,069
That's very sweet
of you, Hank,
571
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,069
but I think
what you're doing is
572
00:21:41,089 --> 00:21:43,049
you're confusing
your spiritual awakening
573
00:21:43,069 --> 00:21:44,149
with an attraction to me.
574
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:46,090
No, no, no, I--
no, I'm not.
575
00:21:46,109 --> 00:21:48,049
I'm interested in you.
576
00:21:48,069 --> 00:21:51,069
Not-- not the rabbi,
but the woman.
577
00:21:53,269 --> 00:21:57,129
Okay, then speaking
as a woman, um...
578
00:21:57,150 --> 00:22:01,090
I'm very flattered,
but I'm not interested.
579
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,120
Yeah, that sounds like a woman.
580
00:22:05,140 --> 00:22:07,060
I mean, uh--
581
00:22:07,079 --> 00:22:09,069
I'm sorry, Hank, it--
582
00:22:09,089 --> 00:22:10,209
I mean, you are
a really nice guy.
583
00:22:10,230 --> 00:22:12,020
You're just not my type.
584
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:14,089
Okay.
585
00:22:14,109 --> 00:22:16,219
I don't want to--
Ah, oh, oh.
586
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,180
I got it.
587
00:22:20,269 --> 00:22:22,179
I'll see you at services?
588
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:27,000
♪ "X" because it's extra, baby ♪
589
00:22:27,019 --> 00:22:31,179
♪ "Y" because
it's extra, baby ♪
590
00:22:32,190 --> 00:22:34,200
♪ You gotta understand ♪
591
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:37,040
♪ She wants to be
your man ♪
592
00:22:37,059 --> 00:22:39,189
♪ She's got another plan ♪
593
00:22:43,150 --> 00:22:45,150
(audience applauds)
594
00:22:49,180 --> 00:22:50,180
(knock on door)
595
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,050
(door opens)
596
00:22:52,069 --> 00:22:53,059
Hank?
597
00:22:53,079 --> 00:22:54,239
Can I come in?
Sure.
598
00:22:57,210 --> 00:22:59,280
Um...
599
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,210
Hank, I just wanted
to apologize
600
00:23:02,230 --> 00:23:04,160
for the way I acted
the other day.
601
00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:08,230
I mean, I think it's wonderful
that you found your faith.
602
00:23:08,250 --> 00:23:11,070
Hmm. I feel like
I've really been tested,
603
00:23:11,089 --> 00:23:14,139
and now my faith is
actually stronger.
604
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,100
Well, that's what
having faith is all about.
605
00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:20,209
You know, um, I grew up
in a small town,
606
00:23:20,230 --> 00:23:23,090
and we were the only blacks
on our street.
607
00:23:23,109 --> 00:23:26,209
And, um, some of the people,
they were really very nice
608
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:29,180
and-- and some others, well,
609
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,240
they couldn't live with the fact
that we were black.
610
00:23:31,259 --> 00:23:33,129
Really?
Yeah.
611
00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:36,130
And, um, you know
what pulled me through?
612
00:23:37,130 --> 00:23:38,210
It was my faith.
613
00:23:38,230 --> 00:23:41,120
I mean, not that keeping it
hasn't been a struggle.
614
00:23:41,140 --> 00:23:42,260
I've stumbled,
615
00:23:42,279 --> 00:23:46,149
but I have the wisdom
that comes with knowing.
616
00:23:46,170 --> 00:23:48,150
Hmm.
617
00:23:48,170 --> 00:23:49,200
Knowing...?
618
00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:51,000
Knowing God.
619
00:23:51,019 --> 00:23:52,249
Oh, yes, of course.
620
00:23:52,269 --> 00:23:56,099
You know, Hank,
you gotta rise above it all.
621
00:23:56,119 --> 00:23:57,169
You got to have courage.
622
00:23:57,190 --> 00:23:59,100
And I know
you have that.
623
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,099
(softly)
Thank you--
what is that scent?
624
00:24:01,119 --> 00:24:03,099
That is wonderful.
What is that?
625
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:05,159
Uh, Eternity.
626
00:24:05,180 --> 00:24:07,150
It's wonderful.
Thanks.
627
00:24:07,170 --> 00:24:10,110
Beverly, would you
like to, uh...
628
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,080
What?
629
00:24:15,099 --> 00:24:16,209
Never mind.
630
00:24:16,230 --> 00:24:18,140
No, what.
Nothing.
631
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,140
Okay, I'll see you later.
632
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,260
Right on, sister.
633
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,030
Oh, Hank?
634
00:24:25,049 --> 00:24:27,259
I'm really sorry about
those nasty letters you got.
635
00:24:27,279 --> 00:24:29,199
What nasty letters?
636
00:24:29,220 --> 00:24:32,200
Oh, uh, nothing.
637
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:36,180
You know, Larry, he gets those
crazy things in the mail, too.
638
00:24:41,099 --> 00:24:43,249
Brian, bring in
my mail, please.
639
00:24:47,089 --> 00:24:49,239
Hank, before you read
any of these,
640
00:24:49,259 --> 00:24:51,149
I want you to know
that I support you
641
00:24:51,170 --> 00:24:52,280
and the stand
that you've taken.
642
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,000
Just read my mail.
643
00:24:55,019 --> 00:24:56,079
Okay.
644
00:25:06,190 --> 00:25:08,190
"Dear Jew,
645
00:25:08,210 --> 00:25:10,200
"you keep wearing
your Jew hat,
646
00:25:10,220 --> 00:25:12,140
"because I can use it
as a target
647
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,150
when I blow
your Jew head off."
648
00:25:14,170 --> 00:25:17,160
Wow, this guy's
a real nut case, eh?
649
00:25:17,180 --> 00:25:18,170
Read another one.
650
00:25:18,190 --> 00:25:19,280
Oh.
651
00:25:21,220 --> 00:25:23,230
Maybe-- maybe not
that one.
652
00:25:30,049 --> 00:25:32,139
(clears throat)
653
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,030
"Dear bar mitzvah head"--
654
00:25:34,049 --> 00:25:35,279
Well, that's
a clever start.
655
00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:42,030
"I will not buy
your orange Jews ever again."
656
00:25:42,049 --> 00:25:44,089
What the hell
are "orange Jews"?
657
00:25:44,109 --> 00:25:47,149
Maybe he's referring
to the orange juice
you endorse.
658
00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:49,040
Oh, no.
659
00:25:49,059 --> 00:25:50,089
No, not the orange juice.
660
00:25:50,109 --> 00:25:51,169
Well, that can't be happening.
661
00:25:51,190 --> 00:25:53,260
No-- my contract's up
for renewal.
662
00:25:53,279 --> 00:25:55,029
(knock on door)
663
00:25:57,109 --> 00:25:59,189
Hank, I'm between
a rock and a hard place.
664
00:25:59,210 --> 00:26:02,000
The network doesn't want you
to wear the yarmulke.
665
00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:04,149
Well, that's all
I needed to hear.
666
00:26:04,170 --> 00:26:05,190
It's gone.
667
00:26:07,150 --> 00:26:09,040
Bad mail?
Mm-hmm.
668
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,000
Hey, good morning, Artie.
669
00:26:16,089 --> 00:26:17,139
Hey, how you doing, Hank?
670
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,220
You won't believe it.
671
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,140
I had the most amazing thing
happen last night.
672
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:21,150
I took this walk
673
00:26:21,170 --> 00:26:23,130
and I bumped
into Steven Spielberg.
674
00:26:23,150 --> 00:26:25,040
Oh, sweet guy.
675
00:26:25,059 --> 00:26:26,139
Next to Marvin Hamlisch,
the sweetest.
676
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:27,250
Well, it turns out
677
00:26:27,269 --> 00:26:30,049
that he goes to the Synagogue
for the Performing Arts.
678
00:26:30,069 --> 00:26:31,239
It's reformed.
Male rabbi?
679
00:26:31,259 --> 00:26:32,249
You got it.
680
00:26:32,269 --> 00:26:34,039
You should have seen
who was there.
681
00:26:34,059 --> 00:26:36,019
Don Rickles, Joel Grey,
Bob Saget,
682
00:26:36,039 --> 00:26:37,189
who, by the way,
is also very sweet
683
00:26:37,210 --> 00:26:39,080
once you get past
all the dick jokes.
684
00:26:39,099 --> 00:26:41,049
That's what
the Olsen twins say.
685
00:26:41,069 --> 00:26:43,099
And Rickles told me about
this great lobster place.
686
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:44,119
I'm gonna take you there.
687
00:26:44,140 --> 00:26:45,200
You're on.
688
00:26:45,220 --> 00:26:46,210
Larry:
Morning.
689
00:26:46,230 --> 00:26:48,140
Good morning,
o handsome one!
690
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,110
Oh, you look
so well-rested and relaxed!
691
00:26:51,130 --> 00:26:54,090
I gotta tell you, I think that
chair's changed my life.
692
00:26:54,109 --> 00:26:56,039
(screams, whimpering)
693
00:26:56,059 --> 00:26:58,019
My ass feels like
it's on fire!
694
00:26:59,019 --> 00:27:00,049
I thought it was Phil.
695
00:27:00,069 --> 00:27:03,069
(theme music playing)
49546
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