All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E06_English

Well, that sucked.

I think I actually
depressed Dolly Parton.

Dolly loves you.
I quote, "Honey,

Larry's more fun than
the cup ride at Dollywood."

Yeah, and those
are big cups.

(laughing)

Oh, God,
I'm so sluggish.

I'm telling you, I've been
sluggish all week.

No, you were fresh,
fast, focused, funny.

Paula, tell our boy
he's anything but sluggish.

You are anything
but sluggish.
Oh.

Triple espresso.

Because I seem a little
sluggish, don't I?

No.
No, not at all.

Just drink it up.
Oh, because I'm sluggish?

No. Because if I had
just done a long show,

I'd want
a triple espresso.

Right. What do
you mean, long?

It was the same length
as it always is, isn't it?

Hey, did I tell you that
I got a new television?

Hey, really?

Oh.

Oh, something's wrong
with me, I swear to you.

I feel like I have 20 pounds
of wet sand in my head.

I keep telling you
it's your diet.

You need a nutritionist.

I should probably
get a nutritionist.

You know...

Where's Artie?

Uh...
(knocking on door)

Uh, Larry, you got time
to meet my son?

Cully, this is Larry.

Hey, happy to meet you.
Yeah.

Artie:
This is Beverly.

Hi, nice to meet you.
Hi.

Artie:
Cully's a big fan
of the show.

He never watches Letterman,
never watches Leno,

hates "Nightline."
That's flattering.

Where'd you get this
stupid-looking peanut?

Huh?
Uh, Larry

is the America Peanut Growers'
nut of the year, 1989.

I was nuttier
in the late '80s.

And you're proud of that?

Well, I don't know
if proud's the word,

but, you know, honored.
Absolutely.

Hey, Dad,
where's the crapper?

I gotta drop the kids
off at the pool.

Artie:
I'll show you the way.

"So delighted to meet you."

Oh, yeah.
Nice to meet you.

Keep flipping.
No flipping.

(Artie laughing)

What a freak.

Yeah.
What a big
fucking freak.

(whispering)
Larry, that's the son.
That's the one that got--

That's the one
that got busted.
Huh?

(whispers)
I can't hear you.

That's the son,
the one that--
Talk up.

They're in the crapper,
for God's sakes.

I can't hear you.

Jesus. Oh, sorry.
Am I interrupting?

No. Artie, your son,
he's so nice.

Good-looking boy, too.

Yeah.
He's a good guy.
You know, it's--

he's just kidding around,
but that's his way.

The peanut.
Oh, come on.

Peanuts are funny looking.
We all know that.

He was just making
a little joke, right?

(laughing)
Yeah.

Cully's had
a rough time.

Annie and I split up
when he was eight,

and when I came out here,
they stayed in Brooklyn.

He fell in with a bad crowd
just like his old man did.

I haven't seen him
for several years.
Yeah.

Well... good-looking boy.

Yeah. I've got
a favor to ask you.

Where are you going?

Yeah. We have to go through

the J.Crew catalog?

Beverly:
But, Larry, I have to
call the nutritionist.

I mean, look at you.
You're falling apart.

So, this is my big chance
to reconnect with Cully.

I thought that,
if you didn't mind,

I would like to hire him
on here as a PA.

Here on the show?
Yeah, here on the show.

Yeah. As a PA?
Production assistant.

I know what a PA is.
I was just thinking,

he's got such
a great personality,

maybe he should be
the receptionist.

(both laugh)
Listen, if it makes you
uncomfortable,

just say the word.
Be straight with me.
No, I'm fine.

I am being
straight with you.
Hey, I'm always happy

to give someone
a new opportunity.

If it happens to be
your son, even better.

Do you remember that summer
we hired Sheldon's son

and we caught him
in the Xerox room

with a copy of "Hustler"?

Remember what
he was doing?
Yeah, I know.

I found them.
That's right.

You know, Larry, if you
think this is a bad idea,

you should tell Artie
his son cannot work here.

I can't.
I can't tell Artie.

You know what?
Artie's done so much for me,

and I never do anything
in return for him.

I don't even remember
the last time

I sent him
a birthday gift.

You give him a birthday
present every year.

I do?
Yeah.

You send him
the Tulip Explosion

from Flowers By Drake.

Really? Oh.
What am I, a pussy?

Why don't I send him
something nice,

like a parasol
and some earrings?

This job is a breeze.
There's nothing to it.

All you have to do
is keep our star happy.

If Larry's happy,
everyone's happy.

So that means
I have to whoop it up

every time Larry
makes a joke?

Yes. If you're within
an eight-foot radius,

whoop it up.

That's the job?
That's life.

Don't lip off
to the head rooster,

you're set.

God, I have to tell you, buddy,
I'm really happy you're here.

Jesus, we're gonna
make up for lost time.

Hey, Dad, you want to
go have lunch?

Sorry. Can't today.

I gotta have lunch
with the head rooster.

What is this
right here?

You got lasagna,
and the nutritionist

brings it every day.
Uh-uh. No way, buddy.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Listen, no,
I love lasagna,

whereas this--
this tastes, honestly,

like some kind
of cardboard shit.

Yeah, yeah. That's
definitely the lasagna.
Oh.

Yeah. You want to
try the ravioli?

Yeah. Give me
some of that.
All right.

This tastes
basically the same.

I don't even think
it's my diet.

I think maybe--
what if I have mono?

That's a kissing disease.
Mm-hmm.

Artie: Don't kiss me.
Larry:
Well, come here.

Pucker up.
(Artie laughs)

Come on.
Hey, Cully, my lad!

How goes it so far?

Oh, action packed.

I got fruit baskets
coming out of my ass.

Dad, that network dipshit
is sitting in your office,

waiting for you.
Oh, Dennis.

Ah. I'll be back
in a second.

Would you ask Dennis if they
can give me a StairMaster?

And if not, I'll settle
for a wheelchair.

I swear to God.

(laughing)

Got a good dad there.
Yeah. What's that?

Lasagna.
You want some?

Beverly? Beverly,
come in here.

Yeah?
Look who's here. Cully.

Uh, Larry, I'm sorry.
I was cleaning your mug.

That's all right. You know
what I could go for?

Cully, do you mind going out
and getting some frozen yogurt?

Do I mind, Beverly?

It's not as thrilling as
unjamming the Xerox machine,

but, no, I do not mind.

Blueberry, maple cream,
pumpkin cheesecake,

chocolate pudding,
and chocolate nut fudge.

How about you,
cutie pie? Yogurt?

I'll have a pumpkin
cheesecake, please.

I'll have some yogurt.
Hey, slim pants, yogurt?

No, thanks, fat pants,

but you can get me
a "Time," a "Newsweek,"

and a "USA Today."

And, yeah, I'll have
some blueberry yogurt.

What is
the non-dairy flavor?

Non-dairy is
strawberry swirly

or, as I like to call it,
the Queer's Delight.

I'll have that.

Lar will have
Queer's Delight.

Licorice, candy bars,
pretzels, and gum.

Larry can't eat this crap.
Where is the yogurt?

That guy must be
a moron.

I think
he's very sexy,

and I'd like
to sleep with him.

Paula, he's a thug.

Good. I'm so tired
of all the neurotic pussies
around here.

I don't want
to be cruel,

but how long does
it take to get yogurt?

Uh, Humphrey "Yogart"
is right around the corner.

That's what
I thought.

Well, maybe he went to
This Can't Be Yogurt.

Where is that?

It's right near
What Is This? Yogurt?

You know, I don't
care if he goes

to Hey,
That's My Asshole.

I just want some yogurt.
Is that asking too much?

Larry, the boy
has a bad attitude.

Yeah. Well,
I don't think

this is
gonna work out.

Well, somebody
should talk to Artie.

Well,
I'm rehearsing,

so I can't talk
to him.

Paula:
Oh, you're rehearsing.

Yeah, I'm
rehearsing a sketch.

I was gonna tell you
what a groovy new look

that is for you.
Yeah, thanks.

Appreciate it.
By the way,

I gotta get
my bong back.

God!

Christ! I'm sweating
my ass off.

It's like a sauna
out there.

That's why the yogurt's
a little extra wet.

Excuse me.
Hey, hey.

Would you mind
wiping this off

before handing it
to me?

It's yogurt soup.

It's gonna look nice
in the garbage can.

Uh, Hank.
Cully: Here.

Paula!
(whispers)
Hank, that's Artie's son.

Cully:
Larry.

Actually,
I-I-- I prefer it...
extra wet,

'cause it's more
like real yogurt.

My AC blew.

My car became
a stinking hellhole.

Well, next time,
you see,

you want to take
my car.

I mean, if that's okay
with you, Arthur.

I don't care.
It's your car.

Hey, is this
strawberry swirly?

'Cause it tastes
like maple cream.

They were out
of strawberry swirly.

Oh.

Hank:
Well, I'm happy with mine.

Mmm! Delicious.

Artie:
Son, I think you
screwed up the yogurt,

but that's all right.

Everyone screws up
the yogurt.

I used to screw it up
back when it was ice cream,

and my car smelled
like rotten milk,

but that's show biz.

My solution was a cooler
for the back seat.

I'll get you one.
My treat.

Arthur, you put
that cooler in my car.

That's all
show business bullshit.

What I'd really like
to do is work for UPS.

United Parcel Service.
That's cool.

UPS is great.
You get to wear shorts,

drive around
with the door open.

It's perfect
in this fucking heat.

Cully:
Shorts every day.
Cully?

Oh, there you are.

Can I talk to you
for one second?

I'm sorry about
last night.
What? Oh!

Wait, about the car?
Nah, no.

I've forgotten
about that.

How long
did you wait

before you
finally gave up?

Uh, well, let's see.

I called a cab
about, uh--

about midnight.
But, you know,

now that you mention it,
this morning

when I went down to move
the car out of the red zone,

I noticed that the arm rest
was just, uh, missing

and the-- the seats
were very sticky.

That's just the yogurt.
Ajax and water.

You're telling me
to clean it up?

Yeah, that's the way
I'd do it.

No one else
has ever sat

behind the wheel
of my Bentley

except for the three
previous owners

and now our Cully.

And we appreciate it,
don't we, Cully, my boy?

Yeah, especially since
I drove my shit box

into the bus shelter.

♪ Thinking of the time
when everything was right ♪

♪ Thinking of a time
with only you and I ♪

♪ It makes me sorry that
it had to end that way ♪

♪ I learned my lesson now,
there's nothing left to say ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ ♪

There you go.

♪ ♪

(cheers and applause)

Chris Isaak.

We'll be back
with another tune

from Chris Isaak
after this break.

No flipping.

(applause)
Man: We're clear!

You were
fucking amazing!

Fucking great!
Thanks, man.

What's wrong?
My ass hurts.

That B-12 shot's doing
no good whatsoever.

Actually, maybe
I should get a shot

in each cheek, because
one half of my ass

feels like it's alive
and raring to go

and the other half feels
depressed and lonely.

Oh, I drank it too fast.

Oh, you okay?
Yeah.

Hey, listen,
before you leave,

could you do me
one favor?
Sure.

Just call up
my ex-girlfriend.

She dumped me.
She'd go nuts

if she knew I was
hanging out with you.

What is he doing,
talking to the talent?

I really wouldn't know
what to say to her.

(laughing)
Yeah, right.

You just call her up,
you talk it up.

Say we went
to the taco place
on Alameda.

It's her
favorite place.

Yeah. It'll take you
one minute.

Hey, that was great,
just great.

No, that was
fucking amazing.

Excuse us.
(exhales) Man.

Producer's kid
or something?

Yeah, that's
the producer's, uh, son.

He's a good boy.
Good-looking boy.

How's the B-12 shot?
How's the B-12 shot?

The doctor stuck a needle
in the fleshy part of my ass.

That's how it was.

Anything wrong?

No, why? Something
wrong with you?

(sighing)

Yeah.

I should never have hired
Cully to work here.

He fucked up Hank's car.

He had Chris Isaak
on the phone for 20 minutes.

He's rude to everyone
except Paula.

Jeez, he's a fucking mess.

All right, look,
he's doing fine.

Nepotism is always bad.
Just look at Kiefer Sutherland.

It's a fucking mess.
He shouldn't be here.

Hey, it's not that bad.
He's a good kid.

He's a good boy.
He's doing fine.

I've got to fire him.
I think so.

Oh, God, I have to fire
my own son.

He'll never forgive me.

Why don't you tell him
it's my fault?

Tell him I'm uncomfortable
around new people.

Yeah, I'll tell him
that, uh,

that you're uncomfortable
around new people, uh...
Yeah.

that you don't like anyone
who's younger than you,

that you're still mad about
that Queer's Delight crack.

Just tell him
the new people part.

"Larry's uncomfortable
around new people."

What a crock of shit.

As long as
I've known Larry,

he's been uncomfortable
with new people.

So fucking what?

It's not new people.
It's me.

He doesn't
want me around.

Oh, Christ,
you're as paranoid
as your mother.

Uh-uh. I know it's true.
I'm competition.

With me gone,
he'll have you
all to himself.

Oh, you're raving, Cully.

Dad, don't fire me just
because Larry's jealous.

For once in your life,
stand up to him.

He'll respect you,
and so will I.

Christ, I hate
this fucking near beer.

We've got
a wonderful show tonight.

Mr. Larry King
will be here.
Good.

Eli, those pants
are a little snug.

Will you take them out
in the area?

Well, that's what
I thought. I--

Travis Tritt videos.
Attaboy. Keep it up.

Uh, he's staying on,
if you don't mind.

He made
a few rookie mistakes,

but he's promised me
he'll be more gung ho.

Well, wait a minute.

I thought
we'd settled that.

I thought he was going.

Why? Because Cully hasn't
learned how to kiss ass yet

like everybody else
around here?

I just wanted
my frozen yogurt frozen.
That's all.

Frozen it shall be.
With sprinkles on it.
That's all I'm asking.

It's a small thing.
Absolutely.

Larry.
Hey, Larry.
Larry.

Hey, good to be here.
Hey, what a pleasure!

Good seeing you.
Yes, sir!

How you been?
Super.

Who have you had
on the show?

We had President Clinton
last week. Have you had him?

No.
Artie:
Soon!

(chuckles)
King: yes.

Oh, we had Arafat,
King Hussein,

and Rabin all together.

No, we're an
entertainment show here.

Oh.
Shit, I can see this is
a double Larry day.

Come on. Come on, Eli.
Let's leave these kings alone.

Always a pleasure, sir.
Nice seeing you.

You know who you
ought to have on? Brando.

I can't stop eating.

In the name
of the sweet baby Jesus,

why am I so fat?

No, you're not
fat at all.

You're voluptuous.
You have a great body.

I'm fat.
That's fat.

Look at that.
Yeah, that is fat, isn't it?

Touch it. Just touch
a little bit of that.

No, some of that's
muscle, though.

Hey, I'm che--
Sorry to interrupt.

(laughing)

Hey, Cully, were you able
to get my magazines?

The "L.A. Times"
is on your table.

Well, the "L.A. Times"
is not a magazine.

See, "Spin," "People,"
"Entertainment Weekly,"

those are magazines.

Really?
Thanks for telling me,

because I wouldn't know
what a magazine is.

I'm a moron.
Well, when you say

the "L.A. Times"
is a magazine,

you sound like a moron.

Get your own magazines.
I'm not your errand boy.

(laughing)
Look, I'm sorry

that you're
a 50-year-old PA,

but that's
not really my fault.

Ow!
(groaning)

Shit! Ow!
What the hell was that?

Jesus!

Hi, Cully.

Shit.
What?

I had something
going on with that one.

Wasn't exclusive.
With Betsy the page?

She's an idiot.
Maybe it was the uniform.

You'd look good in that too,
with the red tie.

Cully.

Hey, don't get involved
with people you work with,

no matter
how sullen they are.

Phil started it.

Don't you want to hear
my side?

No. It doesn't matter.
(laughing)

You never want
to hear my side

since I'm
five years old, right?

Eh, give me a break.

Will you just calm down?

You always assume
it's my fault.

I broke the window.

I stole the money
that time.

Ah, give me a break.
Yeah.

I'm always
the fuck-up, right?

Uh, just settle down

and listen to me,
will you, Cully?

You never
wanted me around.

When you were shooting
"The Jackie Gleason Show,"

you wouldn't even
let me on the set.

Not after you stabbed
"The Great One" with a fork!

I was six years old.
He was coming at me.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, the whole world
is keeping Cully down.

No, it's not your fault
you're a fuck-up.

Parr, Gleason, Cavett,
and now Larry.

It's always the same.

Larry, a guy
who's so limp

he's like
a fucking sock.

Don't you dare
call Larry a sock!

Look at you!

You're a fucking
cheerleader for Larry!

Larry! Larry! Larry!
Hey!

I'm not
the perfect father.

You know what, son?
I never will be.

But at some point,

you're gonna
have to grow up

and stop blaming me
for everything you do.

At some goddamn point,
you're gonna have to

take some responsibility
like I do now.

You're fired!

Okay.

Okay, this goes
to Larry King,

this to Valerie Harper,

and the cactus
goes to the comic.

Hold it.

Okay.

Larry:
You know, you're being
too hard on yourself.

Well, why should I--

You're being too
hard on yourself.
I'm a terrible father.

You are not
a terrible father.

His being here
wasn't helping

the relationship at all,
and you know it.

You're a good father.

What the fuck
do you know about kids?

Here.

You know, last time
Cully and I

had an argument
like this,

we didn't speak
for three years.

He's probably getting
bombed right now.

I just pray he stays
out of the joint.

He's 35, Artie. Let him
lead his own life.

Why don't you have
some kids of your own?

Then you can tell me
how to raise mine.

Fine. I will have
some kids of my own,

but after the show.
Look at the bright side.

Maybe he'll get that job
at UPS that he wanted.

Huh? What job?
You didn't know

that he wanted to get
a job at UPS?

That's all
he talks about, Artie.

No shit.

Yeah, he likes
wearing the shorts,

and evidently, they have
trucks with no doors.

I don't know. That's
what Beverly tells me.
What?

(laughing)

Cully always liked
to wear his shorts.

I don't get it.

I ordered those vitamins
three weeks ago,

the day we had
Chris Isaak on.

I mean,
I don't mean to be an asshole,
but how long does it take

to get vitamins
in the fucking mail?

Okay. I'll see
if I can trace the package.

Thank you.
Hey, Larry.

Hey, Beverly.

Cully. Wow.
What a nice outfit.

Thank you.
Look what I got here.

Vitamins from
the Bottled Earth Company.

I was waiting for these.

Yeah. I saw them
my first day on my job.

I saw the package,
I said,

"Let me take this
to Larry personally."

And then I spaced.

I left it in the trunk
of the car.

Hope they're still potent.

Cully, my boy!

How's the delivery
business?

Oh, I love it.
Love every minute of it.

Thanks for
putting in the word.

Aw, no problem.
Terry and I go way back.

Hey, why don't we run down
to La Brea to Pink's?

We'll get a fatty with
onions and sauerkraut.

I got a lot of packages
to deliver.

Aw, come on.
Fuck it.
I'll get to them later.

Hey.
(laughing)

Isn't tampering
with the mail a felony?

Yeah, well,
he's Artie's son.

♪ ♪