All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E03_English

Will you tell that
new guy on camera 3

not to go so close
on Larry?

General rule of thumb,
if you see nose hair,

it's too close.

Aha!

Checks for Larry,
birds for Hank.

Ah, throw that one away.

Make sure that Ryan O'Neal
has everything he needs.

He's a personal friend.

I want him
well taken care of.

Gracias, hombre.
Vamanos.

Hey, Brian needs you.

Paula?
Yes, sir.

I looked over the
Brett Butler questions,

and as much as I'd love
Larry to ask her

about her gorgeous
new tits,

I feel we covered
that front quite well

when Miss Butler
was here in May.

Hmm.
Yeah?

Yeah, you're right.
I'm a little spacey today.

You have to forgive me.
I've got my period.

Really?
Yeah.

You know, you
used that excuse

ten weeks ago,
if memory serves.
Mm-hmm.

That means you're not
due to start your cycle

until the 22nd or 23rd.

Well, how do you know
I wasn't lying the last time?

You were a bit puffy.
Oh, you're good.

You're not the first woman
who's told me that.

Phil: Arthur?
Yo.

You have got to
talk to Larry.

He won't wear the hat
for the sketch.

Do you like history,
Phil?

What does that mean?

Because if Larry doesn't
want to wear the hat,

that's what
it becomes, dig?

Listen,

if he doesn't
wear the hat,

then this sketch
is going to die.

He is supposed to be
the Gorton's fisherman.

Without the hat, he's just
a guy in a yellow slicker.

(laughing)
What?

It makes me laugh.

What makes you laugh?
The sketch?

No, the word "slicker."
It makes me chuckle.

Say it again.
Slicker.

Use it in a sentence.

I like my slicker.
(laughing)

Artie? Artie, I'm gonna kick
somebody's ass, I swear.

Profanity, Beverly.
I love it.

My mother's here
to see the show.

Her first visit
to California,

and that Wendy bitch
in charge of the audience,

she's got her way up,
the hell up there

where we put the retards.

Ah, we call them "mentally
challenged" now, Beverly.

Look...
The sketch is dead.

Look, I don't care,
Artie.

You've got to
handle this for me.

I don't ask for much,
but my mother's here

all the way
from Philadelphia.

Don't twist your skivvies
in a knot, sugar.

We'll put her right
down front, okay?

Thank you.
Having fun
showing her around?

Artie, the woman
is my mother.

Hang in there, baby.

Brian:
Arthur? Arthur?
Oh, good.

Uh, Hank wants
to see you

in his dressing room
right away.

It's an emergency.

Is there blood?
Everywhere.

We're about ten minutes
away from warm-up, pal.

Don't you think
you'd better go change?

I know, Artie, I know,
but we have got a problem.

What? Can't find your way
upstream to spawn?

This is about respect.
This is about personal space.

This is about the violation--
Hey, skip to the end.

Got it. Here's
the long and short of it.

Someone has been touching
my karaoke machine.

Oh, God, no!

This machine was a gift
from the manufacturer, Artie.

This is a special
limited edition model.

And not to
get off the subject,

but I think we could
use this on the show

and just have a lot
of fun with it.

I think we could.
Really?

No.

The thing is, a person or
persons has been coming in here

and just using this baby
without my permission.

I walk in in the morning
and the red light is on

and this baby
is just warm to the touch,

and I've got to tell you,
it's unsettling.

Do we have to
settle this crisis

right before
we go on the air?

Yes, we do.

I've had Bri ask around

to find out who
the culprit might be,

and Bri, by the way,
if it's you, it's fine.

Just tell me.

I know how your people
enjoy the karaoke.

It wasn't me, Hank.

Now, if you'll
excuse me, I must go

and call my parents
and tell them I'm Asian.

I miss Darlene,
and not just because of,

you know, the, uh,
the sweaters. Excuse me.

My next guest is--
my next guest is hilarious.

She's literally
my favorite guest

here on
"The Larry Sanders Show."

I love having her on.

You know her from her many
appearances on this show

as well as "Roseanne."

Please welcome our favorite,
Sandra Bernhard.

Sandra Bernhard.
(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Hi, baby.
How are you?

Miss you.
I miss you.

I miss you so much
that it's killing me.

You know, that was the
least graceful entrance

we've ever had
on the show.

Would you expect
anything less from me?

I thought I was
going to lead.
From moi?

We both came in
at the same time.

I know, and I love that.
I love that about us.

I would rather sometimes
be allowed to be the man.

Well, you're gonna have
a little bit of a fight

on your hands, sweetheart.

Well, you have...
(laughter)

Look at you in
a shawl collar jacket.

Will you stop killing me

with the fashion
statements tonight?

I know. You don't think
this is a fashion don't?

It is-- no. It's a fashion
do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
do, do, do, ♪ do. ♪

Gee whiz, I wish
I could do that.

You're bitter about
the Lisa Marie,

Michael Jackson
thing, aren't you?

Oh...
I picture you bitter.

You wanted to be
with one of them.

Yeah, look, I went over
to Lisa Marie--

I went over to Lisa Marie
and Michael Jackson's house.

I got into bed with them.
They had plenty of room.

I don't know
what the problem is.

Well, now what would
be your prediction

for the relationship?

You don't think it's a
real relationship, do you?

Oh, I think they're
just going at it

like, you know,
cats and dogs.

What do you mean,
exactly?

I don't know what
I mean by that.

I mean, they're arguing

or they're burying stuff
in the backyard?

For all I know,
they're...

(laughter and applause)

How's your career going?
Oh, it's just fabulous.

Everything is happening.
Yeah? Good.

You deserve the best.
All at once.

It's just coming at me
at 100,000 miles a minute.

Who is?
Everybody in the business.

Is that a good thing
that they're

coming at you
100,000 miles...?

Apparently,
it's a nightmare.

Well, what have
you got going on?

Oh, not a damn thing.
I've been fired off everything.

No, you haven't.

(laughter)

All right,
let's take a break

and we'll be right back
with more Sandra Bernhard.

(cheers and applause)

No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Man:
We're clear.

Sandra, my love,
promise, come back soon.

Well, I didn't know--

I didn't know
I was going anywhere.

Yeah. Let's keep her on
for another segment.

She's doing great.
Of course, honey.

I can stay here
all fucking night.
Good.

I adore you. I'd do
anything for you.
Oh.

It's so great
to be here.

I have an erection.

Funny...
so do I.

Hey, two-- two erections
and nowhere to go.
Ouch!

(laughter)

Hey, amigo, maybe you've
forgotten I've got

my buddy Ryan O'Neal
behind the curtain.

Ryan O'Neal.
I promised I'd
get him on tonight

to plug his new film
with Cher.

You know, it's
called "Faithful,"

which I would
like to be.
Yes.

Is this about me?
No, this isn't about you.

Okay.
Listen,
by all means,

keep Sandra on
but don't bump Ryan.
Okay.

He loves you.
He loves Sandra.

He'll be fun.
I won't bump Ryan.

Okay.

I am. I'm sick about this,
but you know what?

It happens all the time.
Hey, thanks for being

a soldier about this,
Rye Bread.

We're gonna call Jimmy
White tomorrow morning

and I'll resched.
Larry:
Yes, absolutely.

I mean, Sandra was out there.
She was doing great.

Artie made the decision
to keep her on

and it's a tough call,

but that's why
he's the producer.

Yeah, that's right.
Okay.

No one is safe
from my mighty axe,

even my best buddy.

Hey, don't worry about it.
I'll see you again.

Good, good. Absolutely.
We'll have a great time.

Hey, listen,
tell Farrah and Tatum

and the others I said hi.
I will.

Good.
Big fans.

Hey, me too.

I feel like shit
about this.

Hey, I ran into Barry
Lyndon the other night.

You haven't aged
a day, you dog.

Artie, how long have we known
each other? 20 years?

And this is
the bullshit I get?

If it'd make you feel better
to hit me, go ahead.

Shut up.
You know you want to.

I'm not hitting anymore.

Artie, you sold me out.
Listen, come on now.

It's a little more
complicated

than the way Larry
describes it.
Fuck you.

And the next time you need
somebody to pick you up

after one of your DUIs,
don't call me.

Just listen to me.

Will you let me give
you my side of it?

Get lost.
Hey, how you doing?

And don't call me
"Rye Bread."

That's what Farrah
calls me.

Don't tell me
to calm down.

You just like to enjoy

making me look like
a rat bastard, don't you?

I know it's my job
to cover your ass,

but there's a limit.
Speaking of my ass,

if it gets any bigger,
it's gonna need a publicist.

No, I'm not kidding.

It's gonna have a career
of its own soon.

Aw, come on.
Why'd you have to sell me

down the river to Ryan,
of all people?

Why'd you tell him that it
was my decision to bump him?

I know you didn't want to have
that blood on your hands,

but why'd you have to go
and wipe it all over me?

You know, he seemed
okay with it, okay?

You think so?
Yes.

Of course,
that's what you think,

because you're
such a brilliant judge

of what people are feeling.
Thank you.

I happen to be
able to read a--

Uh, sorry.
Sorry to interrupt, boys.

Your office is looking for you.
You have a phone call.

Not now.
It's your wife.

Ex-wife.
Okay.

Where is she?
The Netherlands.

Heh! Why not?

She's probably
screwing Hans Brinker.

She's making his skates
and earrings as we speak.

I'm gonna take this call
and I'm gonna come back here

and we're gonna settle
some things once and for all.

I mean it, Larry.

Oh, he's upset.
Beverly:
Oh, you think?

Yes, I think so.

I mean, that's
what I'm picking up.

I've been told
I'm a good judge

of what people are feeling.
I'm guessing he's upset.

Well, that's not my problem
now, is it, sweetie?

I'm sending you the money

but not until
the first of the month.

Them's the rules, baby.

Yeah?

Yeah? Oh, boo-hoo.

Hon, listen, you've been
at it for 15 minutes.

Give it up. I'm not sending
you one thin guilder.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay,
here's what you do.

Go to Rotterdam.
Then you go to Amsterdam.

Then you go down the road
to my city.

That's right.

It's a little place called
I-don't-give-a-damn.

Bye now.

(laughing)

I-don't-give-a-damn.
That's a good one.

Okay, Larry, you...

Where is he?
Gone.

Uh-huh.

Two seconds ago.

So he went as soon as I left
to take the call, huh?

Of course. You didn't really
expect to find him here?

It's no use
calling him at home.

You know he's just gonna

unplug his answering machine
tonight.

I'm tired.

Well, why don't you
just go home?

No. I'm tired
of this shit!

He's lucky he's not
in that chair,

the fucking asshole.
Fuck him!

Fuck me for taking
his shit for so long!

Beverly?
I'm coming, Ma.

I'm sorry.
No, it's all right.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

What are you gonna do?

Huh.

Artie:
There are those letters
I hate.

There they are.
I hate those fucking letters.

And now, because he's
a big, phony bastard,

Larry Sanders!

Hang in there, Hank.

This is Artie,
our producer.

What a kiss-ass.

All right.

Jesus Christ.

♪ ♪

♪ I want to be around
to see how he does it ♪

♪ When he breaks your heart
to bits ♪

♪ Let's see
if the puzzle fits ♪

♪ So fine ♪

♪ That's when
I'll discover ♪

♪ That revenge is sweet ♪

♪ As I sit there applauding
from a front-row seat ♪

♪ When somebody
breaks your heart ♪

♪ Like you broke mine ♪

♪ That's when
I'll discover ♪

♪ That revenge is sweet ♪

♪ As I sit there applauding
from a front-row seat ♪

♪ When somebody
breaks your heart ♪

♪ Like you broke mine ♪

♪ Like you ♪

♪ Like you broke mine ♪

(hums)

Like you broke mine.

(applauding)

Hey! Who's back there?

(running footsteps)

Hey!

Hey, up there! Hold up!

I'm talking to you,
asshole! Hold it!

I'm sorry.
I new here.

Well, what are you
doing on my stage?

Hello. I janitor.

I hear that sing.
Very good. I sorry.

Well, you don't
belong here.

I hear that sing.

Where are you from?

Toluca Lake
in California.
(laughing)

Yeah, I recognize
that Toluca Lake accent.

No, dipshit,
I mean originally,

before Toluca Lake.

Before?
Brasov, Romania.

Oh. What's your name?

Nicolae.

I'm Artie.

Hello, Artie.

I sorry I hear
that sing.
Uh-huh.

Very good.
Very sorry.

Oh, don't worry
about it.

Thought it was
pretty good, did you?

Oh, is very good.

(laughing)

And over there,
that's the band.

You know, music.

And the audience, of course,
is seated here.
Yes.

And that's my monitor.

I stand right over there
during the show.
Yes.

And, uh, right here,
this is Larry's desk.
Yes.

Yes.
You watch the show?

You like it?
Yes.

Yes.
You watch it a lot?

Who Larry is?
Larry Sanders.

Larry Sanders.
Yes, this is his show,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

You just told me that you
watched the show a lot.

Yes, but is no Larry.

Yes, is Larry. He sits
right here at the desk.

This is his desk.

See? Over there on the couch,
that's where Hank is.

Hank. Hank is very good.
(laughing)

You know Hank?
"Hey, now!"

(laughter)

Hey, now!
Oh, God!

I wish Larry
were here right now.

Hey, now.
(laughing)

Hey, now!
Hey, now!

(laughing)

You know why we
get along, Nick?

Because
we're brothers.

We're the
unsung heroes.

I clean up shit
all day,

you clean up
shit all night.

It's different shit,

but we're the guys
pushing the broom.

Here you go.
What is this?

It's Scotch whiskey.
Glenlivet, single malt.

When you die,
you'll go to heaven,

you'll say hello to God,

and when God
says hello to you,

this is what you'll
smell on his breath.

Skol!
Hello.

Hello.
(laughing)

(coughs)
Whoa, chihuahua.

I'm sick of looking at
this fucking picture here.

It's going,
it's gone. Bye-bye.

You're lucky, Nick,

'cause the shit
I clean up talks back.

(belching)

Hey, Larry,
this is "Author."

I'm sitting here with
my good buddy Nicolae,

and I'm just
leaving you a message

on your office voicemail.

It's 3:15 a.m. and, uh,
I'll level with you.

I'm furious at you,
buddy.

I-- I'm gonna
resist the urge to, uh,

express my anger
by using profanity,

and I hope you
appreciate that, you...

Scum-sucking asshole!

I've given this a great
deal of thought, Larry.

I think the best
thing for me to do

is to move on, you...

Limp-dicked pantywaist.

I want you to know that
I wish you great success

with the show,
and personally, I have

no ill will
toward you and...

But hope
your balls fall off!

Hey, you're getting
the hang of it.

Okay. Take care.

All right, now.
Ah...

Why don't you tell me

about those gorgeous
women in Romania?

Women in Romania,
good, big.
Big, huh?

I'll bet you'd love
my good friend Liz Ashley.

She big?
Oh, good.

Hey, Nick, take
a look up there.

See all those
beams there,

how they're all
tied together?

There's an architectural
term for that.

I don't know
what the hell it is,

but they should
call it "The Arthur."

Is "The Arthur."
That's right.

Because all the pressure
in this building,

all the stress
goes right into that

but it doesn't crack,
does it?
No!

Yes, sir.
You bet your ass.

Damn right it doesn't.

See, that's me...
up there.

What's my point?

Hey... yeah.

You know,
night after night,

you work, work, work,
put on the show,

and you do
the best you can,

and after all,
what does it add up to?

'Cause all people remember

is the night the chimp
grabbed Larry's balls.

Hope they fall off!
Oh, settle down.

We're not doing
that right now.
No? Sorry.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's
what my life

ultimately means.

That's the way
it adds up.

Just a monkey
and some balls.

Oh, what the hell
am I complaining for?

Jesus Christ, look at you,
you poor bastard.

Bet your whole ass.

Here. Okay,
look here.

I want you to take this.
Go on, take it.

No, fuck your pride.
Keep the clip too.

Too very manys.
Oh, you see this?

Look, the great one,
Mr. Jackie Gleason himself--

God love you, buddy--
he gave me this

the year he took
his show to Florida

and I want you to have it.
No.

Yeah. No, it's yours,
because you're my brother.

Brother, I love you!

Oh, I love you, brother!

(glass shattering)
Oh, what did...

Oh, there goes Glen.
I'm sorry, brother.

All right.
What the hell.

Just get your mop
and clean it up.

Is bullshit.

What? What bullshit?

Why Nicolae get mop?

Brother, you drop bottle,
you go clean.

Oh, well,
excuse me, brother.

You're still the fucking
janitor, aren't you?

Oh.

Go to hell.
Fuck you.

Go to hell.

Here. Here.

Money's back.
Clip is back.

Take. I no want.
Ah, you're a fucking idiot.

Do you know that?

Give me my watch.
Watch I keep.

Ah, get your ass
back here.

I hope your balls
falling off!

Ah, fuck you!
You're fired!
I union!

Union this!
I no need
brother like you!

(both groaning)

Larry:
Uh, this is Joel,
and Joel,

are you an ape
or a monkey?

(laughter)

Should I not throw it?
Is she gonna take the ball?

(laughter)

(laughing)

Now you know
how I feel, pal.

Well, before we wrap
the anniversary show up tonight,

I want to say that
we wouldn't even be having

an anniversary show if it
weren't for the work of one man.

I'm talking about
our producer Artie.

Can we get a camera on him?

Do you want to take
a bow there, Artie?

Take a bow.
(cheers and applause)

He's a great guy
and we all love him

and he's smiling like that

because his refund check
from the Betty Ford Clinic

just came in the mail today.

(laughing)

Prick.

Good morning.

Good morning.

It's going to be a good
one tonight. I feel it!

Artie, the
karaoke machine...

Trouble, Hank?
No, that's
just the point.

Everything is
dan-dan-dandy.

Thanks for getting
the word out.

Now, the thing is...
Yes, sir?

It appears that
someone has vomited

in my wastebasket
during the night.

I'll get on it
right away.

I said to myself,
"Well, did I do that?"

But I don't think I did.

Who did we have on
the show last night?

I believe random vomit is
the janitor's responsibility.

Have Brian call
and ask for Nicolae.

Is he in?
Yes.

Have you by chance

gone through his
voicemail messages?

Yes, and he only got one
from Jack Levitz in Publicity.

That's the only one
he got, then?

No, but that's
the only one he heard.

God love you, though.
(laughing)

Morning, chief.
Morning.

I'm going to say
a few words

that will really
make you smile.
Okay.

Warm, moist
muffiny goodness.

Courtney Cox?
(laughing)

Oh, close. A muffin.
All right.

Well, even better.

Uh, listen, I, uh,
told Beverly

to place a call
to Ryan O'Neal

and I'm going to tell him
that it was my fault

he was bumped, okay?

Not really necessary,
my boy.

The storm has passed.

Well, it's something
I want to do,

and I got you this
bottle of Glenlivet.

I know you really
like that.

Believe it or not,
this is just what I need.

Yes, I thought so.

Oh, you forgot
his muffin fork.

Will you sign this
for my mother, please?
Uh-huh.

Beverly, cancel the call
to Ryan O'Neal, please.

Hmm?
Oh, uh, sorry.

Just cancel it.
Oh, okay.

I'm going to put this
into a secure spot

and then I'll
meet you down on the stage

and we'll preview
tonight's desk piece.

Toodles!

You told him, uh...

that I didn't hear
the message, right?

Yeah.
Good, good.

How bad was it?
Bad.

Not as bad as the one
he left me last year.

But he's got
this friend Nicolae...

what a mouth on that one.

(laughing)

Beverly!

(theme music playing)