All language subtitles for 017 - 02x08 - my love my dove

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I am told that
in the United States,

women earn about 80 percent of
all the wealth of the country.

Most of them, I suppose,

have managed to bump
their husbands off

in one splendid way or another,

and good luck to them.

But what do they do
with all that money,

these women?

What they do not do

is to remarry
penniless young men.

They're too smart for that.

And yet very rich men,

who for some reason
are all incredibly lecherous,

are forever marrying penniless
beautiful young ladies.

These husbands
don't live very long.

But here is a story
about a rich woman

who did the opposite,

and married a man without money.

And look what happened to them.

[Classical piano music]

I have an idea,
Arthur.

What?

I have an idea.

I'm listening
to Beethoven.

Wrong,
you're listening to me.

Turn it off.

Would you like
a drink, Arthur?

Thank you, no.

[Music stops]

Would you like to hear
what my idea is?

Well, I guess I'm going to,
whether I want to or not.

Don't get smart with me.

I want you well-disposed
to what I've got to say.

Have a drink, Arthur.

I don't want one.

Have a drink!

All right,
I'll have one.

I don't know

what's the matter
with you lately.

You're so
argumentative.

Me?!

There was a time

when you seemed
genuinely grateful

for everything
I've done for you.

Oh, I am, honey.
I am.

Not many guys
could sit around

listening to Beethoven

in the middle
of the afternoon.

I know that, dear,
and I'm grateful.

I think you've come to
despise me and my money.

Sweetheart,
that's not true.

I never for a moment thought
that I was going to get--

You know, I could
just as soon

stop your allowance

and suggest maybe
that you go to work.

Do you think that
would teach you

to appreciate me?

I don't have to be taught

how to appreciate you,
dearest.

But I don't have
to prove everything.

I mean, who, for instance,

brings you up
your morning coffee

on the maid's day off?

Now if that's
not appreciation,

I don't know what is.

Showing interest

in everything
I've got to say,

that's appreciation.

What brought
this mood on, dearest?

Boredom.

Boredom?

I'm bored, Arthur.

You're bored?

Bored. Bored!!

Bored.

Well, don't be, dear.

We've got people coming
for the weekend.

And that bores me.

Well, then,
why did you ask them?

You know perfectly well
why I asked them,

for bridge,
and that's all.

Well, there you go.

You're not going to be
bored playing bridge.

No, I'll grant you that.
They do play

a first-class
game of bridge.

And for decent stakes,
too.

But in every other
department,

I don't think
I've ever met--

The only time I ever met them,
they seemed quite nice.

So does a butcher.

He is very nice.

Oh, shut up, Arthur!

You know the sort
of people they are

just as well as I do.

Couple of crummy, vulgar
social-climbers

who think they can
get in anyplace

just because they play
a decent game of bridge.

Well, if that's
what you thought,

you never should
have invited them.

I invited them because
I'm sick and tired

of playing bridge
with cabbages!

But on reflection,
Arthur,

on reflection,
I don't like the idea

of those tacky people
in my house.

Well, it's too late
to cancel it.

I mean, they've probably
left their house by now.

Exactly.

I don't understand.

Well, they're coming

whether I like it
or not, right?

Yeah.

You want to have
some fun, Arthur?

What, playing bridge?
Well...

No. No, no, no,
Arthur, dear.

Not playing bridge.

After playing bridge.

That's what my idea
is all about.

Oh, your idea.
I see.

No, you don't.
But try and guess.

Guess what?

What my idea is,
the kind of fun

I have in mind
after we play bridge.

It's not charades.

Nope.

Winetasting?

No, Arthur,
it's not winetasting.

Well, I give up.

Oh, come on, Arthur,
use your imagination!

Think about the Snapes

and then maybe
you'll get it.

Who are the Snapes?

For God's sakes, Arthur,
will you wake up?!

The Snapes,
our weekend guests,

Henry and Sally Snapes.

Oh! Sorry. I'm sorry.

Now think
about the Snapes,

the kind of people
they are.

I can't think
of anything.

How about the way
they behave?

Well, he's always
seemed like

a pretty good-humored
kind of guy,

and she seems
devoted to him.

Arthur, she acts like
a love-sick sparrow.

And he acts like
a traveling salesman.

He is
a traveling salesman.

OK, there you are.

They never stop
looking at each other,

and they've been
married for 7 years.

Blowing secret kisses
and batting eyelids.

And his jokes,

he can't even tell
a clean one

without making it
sound dirty.

Well, I thought that
was a very funny story,

the one about
the two women wrestlers

and all the mud.

You would.

Well, you laughed, too,
didn't you?

Well, I was only
trying to be polite.

But I'm really going to
laugh tonight, Arthur,

after we play bridge.

Well, go on,
I'm listening.

Oh, Arthur, my boy,

that's good,
that's very good,

because that's precisely
what we're going to do.

What?

Listen.

Listen?

You see, Arthur,

what I've always
wanted to know

is what people do
when they're alone...

together.

Now, wait a minute,
Pamela, you can't--

Oh, come on, Arthur,

let's have some
real fun for a change.

Am I thinking
what you're thinking?

Well, that depends
on what you're thinking.

Tell me.

No, you tell me first.

All we have to do

is put one
of your microphones

in the guest room.

That's what I thought
you were thinking.

Good.

And it's absolutely
out of the question!

Can't do it!

Why not?

It's the nastiest trick
I ever heard of.

Well, of course it is.

It's like listening
at keyholes,

it's like opening
people's mail.

Right.

But in our own home!
It's worse!

Listening to what
our guests have to say

in the privacy of their bedroom.

It's indecent!

But that's
the whole point!

Look, I don't want to know

what our guests have to say
when they're in bed.

Oh, come on, Arthur.

Can't you see
how much fun--

Are you serious?!

Of course I'm serious.

Well, Pamela,
I forbid you to do it!

Well.

My second husband
said that to me once,

and he's in Louisville,
Kentucky,

selling insurance
door-to-door.

Look, Pamela, I've got
to tell you, I...

Look, I can't go
along with this!

Well,
I don't see why not!

Why not?
Because I've never done

anything like it
before in my life!

It's not right, Pamela.

It's just about as right

as when you found
those letters

of Mary Probert's
in her purse

and read
every single one of them

from beginning to end.

Well, maybe we never
should have done that.

"We"?!

Well, you read them
afterwards, didn't you?

OK, and it didn't
harm anybody, did it?

You said so yourself
at the time.

And this kind of thing
is no worse than that.

Well, how would
you like it

if somebody did
the same thing to you?

How could I mind,
Arthur,

if I didn't know
they were doing it?

No! No!!

I'm not going to have
anything more to do with it.

[Classical piano music]

Come on, Arthur.

Come on, Arthur.

Can't you see
how much fun this will be?

And you're so good
with your hands,

you'll have a ball,

all those wires
and speakers and--

I'm not going to
attempt it, Pamela!

That's a nasty idea,

it's a really nasty
idea.

Of course it's nasty.

I'm a nasty person.
And so are you.

That's why we get along
so well together.

I'm not that nasty.

Oh, yes, you are.

And if you're not,
maybe we don't have

as much in common
as I thought.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

what's a nice person
like you doing

associating with
a nasty person like me?

I didn't mean that!

What did you mean,
Arthur?

I want
to think it over.

Maybe the great
electronics engineer

doesn't know how
to connect

a mike to a speaker.

That's the easiest
part of it.

Go and do it then.

I want to have time
to think about it.

There isn't time to
think about it, Arthur.

They'll be here
in less than an hour.

Come on, Arthur.

Can't you see
how much fun it'll be?

[Music stops]

I don't want
to rush into it.

If you do what I ask,
Arthur, I'll, um...

put on that apron

you bought for me
in Hamburg.

Oh, my God. Pamela--

And the Wellington
boots.

Pamela, don't.

Don't.

And I'll tell you

where I hid
the feather duster.

Where?

Where?!

OK, honey,
switch it on.

Right!

[Squeaking noise]

Oh, what the hell
is he doing?

Arthur, what the hell
are you doing?

I'm bouncing
up and down.

Oh, OK.

Can you hear me?

I'm speaking in an ordinary
conversational voice.

Now I'll whisper.

Remember what
you promised, Pamela.

I'm only doing it

because of what
you promised.

Perfect, Arthur,
you're a genius!

Good! I've got
a couple more things

to fix up here.

OK!

[Car approaching]

[Engine stops]

[Doorbell]

Arthur: Is that the bell?

Pamela,
is that the bell?!

It's them!

Don't let Millie
show them up!

I'll get caught!

Hurry up!

All right, I'm going.

Millie!

Millie!

Pamela: Millie!

Don't answer the door,
Millie. I'll get it.

Hello, Sally.
How lovely to see you.

Hello, Henry.
Hello.

How are you doing?

Good.

God, I can't
tell you how much

I'm looking forward
to this weekend.

Oh, nice.

Did you have
a nice trip up?

Yeah, very good,
very good.

Was there
much traffic?

No, no,
clear all the way.

Oh, good.

Hey, beautiful place
you've got here, huh?

Oh, thank you.
We love it.

Well, what are we
standing here for?

Come on in.

Oh, Pamela,
would you mind

if I went straight
to my room and changed?

Uh, why don't
we have

a quick drink
first,

and then I'll show
you the garden--

Well, it's just that

we stopped for coffee
on the way,

and an awfully clumsy
waiter.

Oh, my God.

But did I have fun
trying to clean it up, huh?

Honey, come on.

Ha ha! I'll bet.

Would you mind,
Pamela?

Yeah, you know,

it's the oddest
thing,

I spilled
a lot of ketchup

down one of Arthur's
shirts once.

A white shirt.

Ketchup,
can you imagine that?

Ha ha ha! We were in
a restaurant at the time,

and Arthur, uh,
leaned over, you know,

to get the waiter to get
a cloth to clean it up,

and the woman
at the next table screamed.

She thought
I'd stabbed Arthur.

No, I'm not kidding.
She was hysterical.

So, uh, Arthur went
over to, uh, explain

and that only
made matters worse.

And I didn't know
what to do,

so I started to shout,
"Arthur, Arthur!"

And he didn't
take any notice,

and so I went over
to the table

and, uh, shouting,

still shouting,
"Arthur! Arthur!"

And by that time,
poor darling Arthur

is patting this woman's
hand and soothing her

and saying,
"There, there,

everything's going
to be all right,"

but she's crying

and I'm still shouting,
"Arthur!"

There you are.
Our guests are here.

Yeah,
hello, Henry.

Hello, Arthur.

Good to see you.
Sally.

Hi, Arthur.
How are you?

Arthur, Sally, uh,
Sally would like to go

straight to her room
to freshen up.

Is that--would it--
would you mind?

Not at all.

Ah. OK.

I'll take
the bag, Henry.

Just take hers.

OK.

Sally,
you go with Arthur.

Henry,
you come with me.

Oh. I'd like that.

We'll have that
quick drink.

I'd like that
very much.

Good! Dinner's
at 7:30 around here,

if that's all right
with you.

Sure, sure.

And then, after dinner,

we'll play bridge,
what else?

I can't guarantee
I'll play

for very long tonight,
I'm so tired.

[Yawning] It's been
an exhausting day.

I bid one heart.

Two spades.

Pass.

Pass.

Pass.

Hmm. Not too much here,
I'm afraid.

Here we go.

Pamela:
No more drinks, Arthur.

Well, not for me.

OK, the rest are mine.

I'm afraid all those
diamonds aren't good,

you're going to lose
two at the end.

God damn it,
you're too good!

Ah, not really.

You know,
I don't know

what's the matter
with me tonight,

but I'm absolutely
bushed.

Sally, Henry,
do you mind if we add up?

Don't you want
to finish the rubber?

Well, what the hell,

we've got the rest of
the weekend ahead of us.

I'm sorry,
I can't stop yawning.

Here you go, Henry.

Thanks, Arthur.

Oh, forgive me.

Sally.

Boy,
you two play

like a couple
of demons.

How did you get
to be so good?

Oh, just practice.

Practice, practice,
practice.

As the actress
said to the bishop.

Ha!

Have you ever played
any championships?

No, not yet,

but Henry wants for us
to do that very much.

It's just terribly hard work
to reach that standard.

Very hard work.

That's what the bishop
said to the actress.

Oh, come on, Henry,

you have a one-track mind.

Hey, doesn't everybody?

We owe you 250 bucks.

Arthur: Ooh!

Well, I guess it could
have been worse,

the way we were playing.

You were
just unlucky.

I mean,
after all,

we play almost
every night.

Ah, don't we just.

Well, I don't think
that luck

had anything
to do with it.

We just made an awful
lot of mistakes.

So did we.

Oh, just one.

Roger: Oh, when Sally
went to 6 spades,

she thought you had more
in your hand than you did.

Yeah, that's when.

Well, other than that,
I thought you--

Oh, for God's sakes,
Arthur,

let's not go over
and over the hands.

I can't stand
postmortems.

No, it was
my fault entirely.

I told you it was
the country air.

I just can't wait
to get to bed.

Oh, lucky Arthur!

I'm tired, Henry.

Ah. Unlucky Arthur.

I just couldn't
concentrate

on the cards
at all tonight.

Well, there's always
tomorrow, Pamela.

That's the spirit.

Look at me, I can't
keep my eyes open.

Sally: Well,
I'm just wide awake,

and if Pamela
wouldn't mind,

we could play 3-handed.

I mean, after all,
it's just past 11:00.

Ahem.

Well, I'm a little
bushed myself.

It's been
a very long day.

Hey, I think we better
go up too, Sal.

But I'm just wide awake.

I think our hosts want
to retire, sweetheart.

Oh, well, now, look,
I don't want to--

If you wouldn't think
it terribly rude of me,

I think I'll just watch
"The Late Show" on TV.

Uh, television
doesn't work.

The repairman was
supposed to come around

this afternoon to fix it
and he didn't...

come around.

Only other set
is in our bedroom.

Well, we don't mind
crowding in there, huh?

Ha ha!

Sally: Well, I think
I'll just sit over here

and read for a while
until I get tired.

I put some, uh...

I put some books
in your room.

Hey, looks like the bid's
against you, Sal.

I guess.

Don't worry
about getting up

in the morning,
we're late risers.

Roger: You've got
a lovely view from the room.

It goes right out
across the valley.

Sun comes in about
10:00 in the morning.

It's absolutely
breathtaking.

Well, here we go.
Beddy-byes.

Good night, Henry.
Good night, Sally.

Henry: Good night.

Sally: Good night.

Arthur: Sleep well.

Henry: Oh, you bet.

They're very quiet,
aren't they?

I can't help feeling

we oughtn't
to be doing this.

Arthur!

Henry: So.

Shh!

So what?

So what?

So what? So everything!

What's that
supposed to mean?

You know exactly
what it means, Sal.

We don't, Henry.

Henry: You didn't want
to come to bed tonight,

did you, Sal?

Oh! Here we go.

Sally: No, I didn't.

And we know why,
don't we?

No, we don't.
Shh!

I know why I didn't
want to come to bed, Henry,

but I don't know
about you.

Oh, I know.
I know perfectly well.

You didn't want
to come to bed

because you're frightened
of being punished.

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy.

Sally: Well, that's
understandable,

isn't it?

I mean, I don't like
being punished.

Henry: Yes, but you're
going to be punished,

aren't you, Sal?

Not now, Henry.

Please, I'm so tired.

Look, she said

they were late risers,

we can get up early

in the morning
and do it,

they won't hear us.

We'll do it now.

Attaboy, Henry.

Henry: You're going
to be punished, Sal.

You're going to do it over
and over and over again

until you get it right!

My God,
we'll be up all night!

[Sobbing]

What's that?

I think
she's crying.

Henry:
Cut the crap, Sal.

You don't get
around me by crying.

I can't do it again,
Henry.

I'm so tired.

It'll be better

in the morning,

I promise.

I'll be fresher
in the morning.

Now.

I said now.

Jesus, he'll
dislodge the mike.

Henry:
You goddamned idiot,

this whole lousy evening
wasted, 250 bucks!

What's this?

Sally: It won't
happen again.

Right, it's not going
to happen again,

and I'm not taking
any chances!

We're going to practice
right now!

Oh, no, Henry, please,

I can't stand any more.

I'm so tired.

Hey, look,
all the way out here

to take money
off this rich bitch

and what do you do?
You go and blow it!

Wait a minute.

Sally: I said
I made a mistake.

I got mixed up.
It won't happen again!

Sit down.

I'm going to call it out
and you're going to answer.

No, Henry, please,
not all 500!

It'll take hours.

All right, we'll leave out
the finger positions.

You do know the finger
positions, don't you?

Sally: Yes.

We'll just do
the basic bids

showing high cards.

Oh, no, Henry,
don't.

I don't want
to do it again.

Look, Sal! We've got
to get it perfect!

We got a game
every day next week.

Now you know that.

Besides,
we've got to eat.

All right, I'm going
to start at the beginning.

A club.

King and Queen
of spades.

Ace, King,
Queen of diamonds.

Ace, King, Queen,

Jack of hearts.
King of clubs.

Henry: How many cards
in each suit?

Come on,
watch my hands!

You said we could
miss those!

You're absolutely sure
you know them.

I know them,
I promise!

All right.

A club.

King, Queen,
Jack of spades.

Ace and Queen
of diamonds.

Ace, King, Queen,
Jack of hearts.

Queen of clubs.

I'll call one club.

Ace, Queen, King,

Jack, Ace of spades.

Ace, King, Queen,
Jack of hearts.

Ace and Queen
of diamonds.

King of clubs.

You know what it is?

It's a bidding code!

They can signal every card

they've got in their hand!

Sally: ...Ace, King,
Queen, Jack of hearts.

It couldn't be.

Henry: I'll say,
"One club."

It's like
the mind-reader.

One man goes
into the audience

and borrows
something from you.

There's a girl
blindfolded on-stage.

And from the way he phrases
his questions,

she can tell him
exactly what it is.

Huh!

It's impossible!

It isn't.

Very hard work.
Listen to them.

Sally: Ace, King,
Queen, Jack of spades.

Ace, Queen, Jack
of diamonds.

Jack of hearts.

Ace, Queen, King,
Jack of clubs.

"One heart,
sweetheart."

Ace, King, Queen,
Jack of spades.

Ace, King, Queen,
Jack of diamonds.

Ace, Queen, Jack of hearts.
Queen of clubs.

So he can tell her
how many cards

he's got in each suit

just by the position
of his fingers!

How?!

I don't know,

but you heard him
telling her.

Sally: Ace of hearts.
Ace, 10, Queen, Jack of...

Of all the rotten,
crooked, immoral,

unprincipled son-of-a--

What a marvelous idea.

What is?

The bidding code!

Arthur! Do you think

we could learn to do it?

What?

Henry: I'll say,
"A diamond."

The bidding code!
Of course we could!

Why not?!

Pamela, Pamela--
Pamela!

Sally: Jack, Queen,
King of clubs.

Pamela! Pamela!

No code, no apron.

Pamela!!

And no Wellington boots.

You promised!

No feather duster!
Sit down!

Sally:
...Queen of hearts.

Hold this a second.

Henry: I'll say,
"A diamond, my darling."

I haven't
got a pencil!

Sally: Ace, King,
Queen of spades.

10, Jack, Queen
of hearts.

Now, look, we'll
have to work out

our own finger
positions.

Promises, promises.

...Jack, Queen of clubs.

Henry: One spade.

Ace, 10, Jack,
Queen of spades.

Ace, 10, Jack, Queen,
King of diamonds.

Ace and King of hearts.

Henry: One spade...

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