All language subtitles for Whitney s01e22 Something Old, Something New 2.eng

Good morning.

Good morning, future husband.

Oh, I can't believe
we got engaged last night.

I can't tell if you're hugging me

or trying to keep me from running.

Oh, both.

Okay, why would I run from you?

I mean, you're not even family yet.

So does is mean that
you're taking my last name?

You think I'm gonna keep
the last name Cummings?

This is so exciting.
For the first time in my life,

people are gonna be able to Google me

without porn coming up.

Oh, you know what,
there's actually a porn star

with the name Whitney Miller.

She bleaches ev...

We're getting married.

So how do you want to do this?
You want an engagement ring or something?

Oh, you know what?
If you're gonna do that,

I'd rather just have the cash
if that's cool.

All right,
so how are we gonna do this?

You're like the girl
that hates weddings.

Okay, I am gonna do
whatever you want to do, okay?

If you want to do it in a church,

500 people, as long as you're there,

I'm there.

I may not be sober, but I'm there.

I don't know.
A big wedding,

that doesn't really sound
like us, you know.

- That doesn't matter to me.
- Okay, so what should we do?

Let's just go down to city hall

and knock it out, you know?

No family, no tux, no stupid dress.

Just me and you standing naked
in front of a judge.

That actually won't be
the first time for me.

That's exactly why I want to spend

the rest of my life with you.

Okay, so when?

You know what,
this sounds kind of crazy,

buy what if we do it tomorrow,
all right?

I mean, tomorrow will be my
grandparents' 60th anniversary

and they're, like,
the best married couple ever.

It's gonna be like a lucky day
for us.

Okay, let's do it.

This is so exciting.

I mean, from now on,
if you want to leave me,

you're gonna have to pay me.

I like it.

Yeah, I like the way you think.

Whitney is taped in front
of a live studio audience, so...

Dude, I don't know what to do

about this Roxanne situation.

I mean, I can't stop thinking
about her.

It's really pissing me off.

It is so weird that you are into her.

You know, lily's almost home.

Talk to her about it.
She'll know what to do.

Dude, you and lily's
relationship is so weird.

I mean, you were engaged,
you broke up,

you come out as bi, gay, whatever,

and now you just hang out
at her apartment

- when she's not home?
- Yeah.

I feel like our relationship
could probably win Sundance.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Lil,

mark and I have something
to talk to you about.

Oh. Oh, I know you two
are hooking up.

- What?
- No, we're not.

Oh. Never mind.
What's up?

I'm having this weird thing
going on with Roxanne.

I think I have...
Feelings for her.

What?
You like Roxanne?

How is that possible?

She's over 30 and has her own car.

I know.
It doesn't make any sense.

Oh, my God. Did you
just find out about this too?

Yes.
No.

Wow.
Now that we're not engaged,

I have lost all interest
in lying to you.

You guys, I think about her a lot.

Like, I'll see a cute baby
and I'll be like,

"oh, Roxanne would hate that,"

or like, "look at that alley.

Roxanne's probably sleeping in it."

You know, mark,
maybe this is happening

because you haven't hooked up
with anyone for a while.

Yeah, maybe you're frustrated.

But Roxanne is the reason
I haven't hooked up with anybody.

I compare every girl I meet to her.

Oh, God, mark, nut up!

Okay?

Roxanne has been through too much.

The last thing she needs
is you messing with her head,

so get over it.

Okay.
No, you're right.

I'll shake it off.
I'm Irish catholic.

I've repressed feelings all my life.

Good, because, after our break-up

and Neal flying half a rainbow flag,

our group can't take any more stress.

You know, no more big life events,

no more bombs are allowed
to be dropped.

Guys, guess what?

- We're getting married.
- Tomorrow.

All right.
Here we are.

So window three
is for marriage licenses.

It's two down from the d.U.I. Window.

What? I know.
I told 'em.

They should just combine the two.

Okay, you guys get in line.

- We'll be there in a sec.
- Okay.

Whoo!
You're getting married.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

We forgot flowers.
You need flowers.

You know what, I got some pot
in my glove compartment.

Oh, wait, do we have
the stuff... what is it?

The thing with something old,
something new,

something borrowed, something blue?

Okay, okay, this dress is new.

And I plan on returning it tomorrow,

- so it is also borrowed.
- Nice.

Okay, what about old or blue?

Okay, I don't have anything
old, but I did tell Alex

no sex till after the wedding,

so he's got two things that are blue.

Thank you.

Dude, you gave me no time
to throw you a bachelor party.

Luckily, I have pictures
of naked girls on my phone.

- Party's over.
- All right.

Good luck.

Should have been me, but it's fine.

I mean, I think we can all agree
that it's weird

Whitney's getting married before me,

but I'm good.

I'm gonna go get that pot, so...

Next.

- Hi.
- Hi. How can I help you?

Hey, I am tired of getting free milk,

and I would like
to purchase this cow.

Okay, I'm gonna need to see
two forms of I.D.

From you and your lovely cow.

All right.

This driver's license is expired.

- What?
- Yeah.

You need a current driver's license

if you want to get married
and also to, you know,

be a person, I mean...

Do you have another form of I.D.?

Oh, do you have
your social security card?

Okay, what do we do?

You need to go to the DMV,
renew your license,

so you can get married.

Oh, come on,
don't you have like a database

or something where you could
look that stuff up online?

Sir, this is city hall.

We don't have the Internet.

Next.

How do you fail
a multiple-choice driving test?

You've been driving for 13 years.

Okay, every question
was about school zones

and school buses.

I mean, you have to be
a pedophile to pass that thing.

All right, well,
now you can't take the test

for another three weeks,
so there goes that.

Okay, no,
we are gonna get married today.

Okay, I just need to figure out
another form of I.D.

All right, well, it's already 4:00,

so we only have an hour left.

I'll call my dad.

He'll fax me my birth certificate.

Uh, no, we don't want
to risk him coming,

'cause that'll ruin...
What we're already ruining.

First of all, he's my dad.

He was barely there
when I was conceived.

Second, he's in Arizona.
He would never make it in time.

Okay.

Dad, hey, it's Whitney.

Cummings.

I need you to fax me
my birth certificate

because I'm here with Alex
and we are getting married.

So...
Okay!

Great.

Great.
Okay. Thank you.

- Okay, bye.
- That was easy.

Yeah, well, he's not going to fax it.

We have to go pick it up.

- What, in Arizona?
- No, he's here in Chicago.

Come on, I'll scream in the car.

- Dad!
- Oh, here comes to bug!

? Da da da da ?

? and Mr. Groom bug ?

I can't believe it.

My daughter's first marriage.

Vince, I thought you said
we were meeting at your office.

This is it.
I move around too much

to sign a lease.
Look at this place.

I got everything I need.

Ba-dah, ba-dah, blah, blah.

Ha.

So we really need
that birth certificate.

- We're kind of in a hurry.
- Right, right, right.

One certificate de birth
coming right up.

I got the corporate headquarters
right here.

All right.

And... now just wait
one hot doggone minute.

If you want to marry my daughter,

you're gonna have to ask me
properly for permission.

Dad.

Go see if there's some loose change

in that vending machine over there.

Ugh.
Just like old times.

You know, I'm sorry, Vince.

May I have your daughter's hand
in marriage?

For a price.

- I'm kidding.
- Okay. I don't...

You know, before I give you
my permission, though,

I just want to make sure
you're in it for the long haul.

I mean, Whitney,
for... for whatever reason,

has trouble trusting men.

You know, I blame
the public school system.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I promise, I am.

Well, you better be.

Because if you ever hurt her,

I've got a guy who's available
at a moment's notice

in three to five years.

Okay, understood.
Yes, sir.

All right, congratulations.

You are the proud owner
of one Whitney Cummings,

as is, no returns.

Oh, good. Okay,
we can still make it by 5:00.

- Yeah.
- Whoa, you want to get married

- today?
- Yeah.

No, city hall closes
at 4:30 on Tuesdays.

Now we can't get married
till tomorrow.

- Ugh.
- I can't make it tomorrow.

I promise I'll be at the next one.

- Hi.
- Hey, is Roxanne here?

No, she's not.

Mark, you are obsessed, man.
Let it go.

Oh, no, I have.
Actually I realized

I don't like her at all.

Like is something that's
supposed to make you happy.

She's making me miserable.

So where is big, fat Roxanne anyway?

She's on a date.

Okay. Okay, see, that...
Now that makes me nauseous.

Hoo.
I really do hate that woman.

God, oh, no.

Mark, I think you might be
in love with her.

What?
Well, then I have been lied to.

By Rachel McAdams and babyface.

Oh, hey, guys.

Everybody, this is Nick.

Hey.

Nick, huh?

- Uh-huh.
- What are you doing, man?

You're bringing a girl home
at 9:00 at night.

- Are you loco?
- What? Mark, what the hell?

- Calm down.
- You stay out of this.

Okay, I'm gonna head out.
So it was...

Ooh, keep it in your pants, man.

She... she said good-bye.

What?
Okay, Nick, I'll call...

- Are you okay?
- What? Of course I'm okay.

- Are you insane?
- Did he hurt you?

What?

Did mark see Drive again?

Mark has something
that he needs to tell you.

We'll give you two some space.

Okay.

Mark, what's going on?

Why are you acting like this?

Wait, did I...
Did I do something wrong?

Yes.
You're in my brain.

Get out.

What?

I think about you all the time.

I'm always thinking of things
to make you laugh.

Those...
Those fancy wine glasses

that I have in my apartment,

those weren't from my Aunt.

I got those for yo

so that you'd have something

to drink out of when you come over.

And this morning there was
a woman in the grocery store...

She smelled like you,
and so I followed her around

for half an hour.

W-wow.

Um, wow, I don't e...
I don't even know what to say.

Lily thinks I'm in love with you.

What do you think?

Mark, um...

We're friends, you know.

And... I don't think we should
be anything more than that.

Coo.

Coo.

Mark, I'm really sorry.

No.
No, no, no.

No way, Jose.

- Come on, mark.
- No, no.

I'm totally fine, Jose.

It's impossible to make
an honest woman out of you.

I'm sorry, but tomorrow
we are gonna get married

so hard.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, listen,

I know you said you didn't want
me to get you a ring,

but I figured since we're
getting married tomorrow anyway,

I might as well stop caring
about what you want now.

Oh, my God.

Before you say that this isn't us,

I want you to know that
this little diamond right here

is just like you, and it's hard

and pretty and full of flaws.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

It's too small.
It doesn't fit.

Oh, no, I got it.

Classy.

Oh, my God.

Did you just get this
so that guys wouldn't hit on me?

No, your personality
does that already.

Oh, my God.

I kind of get
the whole ring thing now.

I mean, I don't get the posting
500 photos of it on Facebook,

but I do kind of want to show
this to a couple girls I hate.

- I love you.
- I love you.

You know, I know we said

we weren't gonna have sex
until the wedding,

but I did buy you a ring.

Ooh, why did you do that?

Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

- Did you lose weight?
- Oh, I'm fine.

- Are you sure?
- I'm fine.

Okay, all right.
Okay, okay.

- All right.
- I was dropped like that

- all the time as a kid.
- Okay.

Oh, my God, my ring.

How come we can't talk
about getting married

without winding up in the hospital?

We got to move.
We got to cut this ring off,

- or we're gonna lose the finger.
- No.

That's my engagement ring.
Alex gave me that.

Ma'am, your finger is dying.

Look, Whit, come on, shut up.

It's just a stupid ring.

Okay, but do not cut off
my middle finger.

I need it to communicate
with strangers.

Thanks.

I'll be back to set the finger.

All right, I'm sorry.
This is just so weird.

I mean, you have ten fingers,
and, out of all of them,

your ring finger's
the one that breaks.

So?

So, I'm just saying it's hard
not to take it as a sign.

I mean, your finger had
an engagement ring on it

for three minutes,
and it tried to kill itself.

Honey, the only thing
this is a sign of

is that we are gonna get
so much Vicodin.

Okay, nothing
is going to stop us now.

All right, we got all the documents,

we got two forms of I.D.,
we got all 20 fingers,

and another line to wait in.

God, I'd love a place to sit.

Oh, is that something
that you could love?

You could love that?

Great. I knew our group
would get weird.

Now I know what it was like
to be in no doubt.

Are you seriously trying
to tell me that the idea of us

never even crossed your mind?

I don't know.
Maybe once or twice.

You know, it was when I was
really drunk and desperate.

That's every day.

You know what,
you take me for granted.

Sometimes you need to see
somebody be with somebody else

to realize that you have
feelings for them.

Lily, come here.

I need to borrow your face.

Uh...

You're acting like a crazy person.

Yeah. I can tell that made you
a little bit jealous.

I know that look.

What look?

That face you made

is the face that you make

- when you're into someone.
- What? Lily?

No.
I-I did not like that.

I'm just...

It was very confusing.

How is it possible that I am

the least sexually confused
person in this group?

Is my middle name Ann
with 'e' or no 'e'?

No 'e'.

I don't know.
It looks weird.

Duration of marriage?

We have to decide that now?

Ten years or...

When's our lease up?

She gave us divorce forms.

All right, I'll go get
the right ones.

No, wait, wait, hold on.

What are we doing?
This is crazy.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- I'll be right back.
- No, Whit.

- What?
- I love you.

I love you too.

Do you have cancer?

No, look, ever since you said
yes to marrying me,

nothing has gone right.

All right?
The DMV, the emergency room,

your dad, and now this.

Maybe I do have cancer.

Honey, I know
this is stressful and awful,

but I'm pretty sure that's what
marriage is supposed to be like.

Hey, look, I know
you don't believe in fate,

all right, but I do.

I think it was fate that we met,

I think it was fate
that we fell in love,

and, I don't know,
now maybe fate is trying

to tell us something here.

That I should have worn underwear?

No.

Look, the whole idea of us
having this wedding

was that we wanted to find
the perfect thing for us.

But maybe the universe
is trying to tell us

that we've already found it.

Okay, so I've been telling you
that for three years,

and the universe tells you that
for two days,

and you listen to it?

You know, I know you're gonna
find this hard to believe,

but I think that the universe
is actually louder than you.

Honey, the reason I want to marry you

is 'cause I know
it's important to you.

I wanted you to know that,
even though sometimes I suck

at this, I'm not going anywhere.

Well, I know that now.

I just want what we had two days ago.

Forever.

You mean us not married?

Yeah, us not married at home

in sweats with your finger not broken

and having had sex.

Okay, but we did all this,
we came all the way down here,

and we're five minutes away
from getting married,

and we're just gonna bail on it?

Oh, my God, that is so us.

Yeah, that is so us.

You know, I have an idea

for something that's
even more permanent than this.

So do you really want to do this?

I do.

Do you really want to do this?

I do.

? ?

? we're all young and naive still ?

? we require certain skill ?

? the motive changes like the wind ?

? hard to control when it begins ?

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, don't fall in love with me.

Okay, I won't.

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