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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,842 --> 00:00:06,886 - Hey. - Hey! 2 00:00:07,011 --> 00:00:08,550 What's in the package? 3 00:00:08,716 --> 00:00:10,056 Oh, don't tell me, I love this game. 4 00:00:10,181 --> 00:00:12,387 What did I order online the other night when I was drunk? 5 00:00:12,553 --> 00:00:15,015 Uh, Mexican Xanax? 6 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:19,144 Sweat pants with underwear built in? 7 00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:20,896 No, it's an urn. 8 00:00:21,062 --> 00:00:23,853 I ordered an urn? 9 00:00:23,978 --> 00:00:27,152 I gotta stop drinking Kahlua. 10 00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,607 No, it's my dog. 11 00:00:28,732 --> 00:00:31,323 My folks sent sarge's ashes. 12 00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:32,911 Oh, honey. 13 00:00:33,036 --> 00:00:35,035 I know how much you love sarge. 14 00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:36,716 Wow, I was okay when they told me, 15 00:00:36,841 --> 00:00:38,184 but now it's kind of sinking in 16 00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:39,602 that he's gone, you know? 17 00:00:39,727 --> 00:00:42,088 I mean, I've never not had a dog. 18 00:00:42,213 --> 00:00:46,225 Well, why don't we get one? 19 00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:47,631 You really wanna get a dog? 20 00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:49,094 Totally, I've never had one. 21 00:00:49,219 --> 00:00:51,664 Well, one year for Christmas my dad stole us a poodle, 22 00:00:51,789 --> 00:00:55,534 but the reward got so high that he gave it back. 23 00:00:55,659 --> 00:00:57,808 You know that a dog is, like, a really big commitment, right? 24 00:00:57,974 --> 00:01:02,354 Yeah! And no one is better at commitment than me. 25 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,344 Okay, marriage is not my favorite thing 26 00:01:05,469 --> 00:01:08,276 at this particular juncture, 27 00:01:08,442 --> 00:01:11,384 but when I commit, I commit hard, okay? 28 00:01:11,509 --> 00:01:13,085 I mean, I am still wearing the same bra 29 00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:15,993 I wore in the 7th grade. 30 00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:18,841 My email address is at aol, okay? 31 00:01:18,966 --> 00:01:24,376 I pay for email. 32 00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,378 - You really wanna get a dog? - Yes. 33 00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:27,963 Okay, yeah, let's do it. 34 00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,068 - Okay! - Yeah. 35 00:01:29,193 --> 00:01:31,508 - Can we name him mister...? - No, no. 36 00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,844 - Can we name him...? - No. 37 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,262 You didn't even know what I was gonna say. 38 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,888 Were you gonna say names of famous people? 39 00:01:37,054 --> 00:01:37,877 I don't know, I just really wanna 40 00:01:38,002 --> 00:01:41,476 be able to neuter Mel Gibson. 41 00:01:41,642 --> 00:01:44,383 Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience, 42 00:01:44,508 --> 00:01:46,398 you heard me. 43 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:49,004 Wow, the market was up 300 today. 44 00:01:49,129 --> 00:01:50,873 You got the web on that? 45 00:01:50,998 --> 00:01:51,903 Yeah. 46 00:01:52,069 --> 00:01:56,032 Nice. I love the web. 47 00:01:56,198 --> 00:01:58,744 I haven't checked my stocks in a while. 48 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,499 Oh, how's blockbuster doing? 49 00:02:00,624 --> 00:02:01,621 Oh, honey, I told you, 50 00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:04,537 Neil does this for a living, okay? 51 00:02:04,662 --> 00:02:06,293 He can help you with your investments. 52 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:10,543 Plus, this is a chance for you guys to have your own friendship 53 00:02:10,668 --> 00:02:11,965 outside of me. 54 00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:15,180 Whoa! Everybody stop. 55 00:02:15,305 --> 00:02:16,678 Have you seen When Harry met Sally? 56 00:02:17,274 --> 00:02:18,884 Men and women cannot be friends. 57 00:02:19,009 --> 00:02:20,419 Men wanna have sex with everything, 58 00:02:20,544 --> 00:02:23,894 and women just aren't that interesting. 59 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,859 Uh, have you seen When Harry met Sally? 60 00:02:26,984 --> 00:02:29,775 - Hi. - Hey! 61 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:32,569 You guys, Alex and I have an announcement to make. 62 00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:33,716 Oh, my God! 63 00:02:33,841 --> 00:02:36,448 Don't do it, man, this is a mistake! 64 00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,838 Whitney is just gonna get crazier. 65 00:02:38,963 --> 00:02:40,539 Plus the day after you say "I do," 66 00:02:40,664 --> 00:02:41,974 she is gonna cut her hair short, 67 00:02:42,099 --> 00:02:43,789 they all do. 68 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:46,500 No, look, we're not getting married. 69 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,460 We're just... we're getting a dog. 70 00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:51,129 Oh, wow! 71 00:02:51,295 --> 00:02:53,298 Getting a dog is a big deal. 72 00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:54,436 Yeah, it's like having a kid, 73 00:02:54,561 --> 00:02:57,969 except you still get to participate in society. 74 00:02:58,135 --> 00:02:59,221 Anyway, what kind of dog are you gonna get? 75 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,430 I don't know yet, but... 76 00:03:00,596 --> 00:03:01,765 You guys should rescue a dog. 77 00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:03,195 It's like with women, you wanna get one 78 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,897 that's just damaged enough 79 00:03:05,022 --> 00:03:08,563 that she's grateful to be indoors. 80 00:03:14,214 --> 00:03:16,542 Yeah, you're a good boy. Yes, you are. 81 00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:17,864 Look at you. 82 00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:20,492 You're a good boy too, hi. 83 00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,786 Oh, you're a handsome boy. 84 00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:25,497 You're a handsome boy too, yeah. 85 00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:29,459 Okay, you're both equally good and handsome. 86 00:03:29,625 --> 00:03:33,046 Alex, do you have any allergies other than spermicide? 87 00:03:34,318 --> 00:03:37,096 No, I'm good. 88 00:03:37,221 --> 00:03:39,064 Wait a minute, this is weird. 89 00:03:39,189 --> 00:03:41,930 Under "relationship," they only have "single" or "married." 90 00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:42,889 They don't have what we are. 91 00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:44,724 Just put in "single," it doesn't matter. 92 00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:45,771 But we're not single. 93 00:03:45,896 --> 00:03:46,789 Single is when you're dating. 94 00:03:46,914 --> 00:03:48,340 If I was single, I'd be passed out 95 00:03:48,465 --> 00:03:49,542 on some strangers futon, 96 00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:53,879 dehydrated and covered in glitter. 97 00:03:54,004 --> 00:03:55,881 Um, excuse me, ma'am? 98 00:03:56,006 --> 00:03:58,083 Hi, uh, your form is broken. 99 00:03:58,208 --> 00:03:59,552 Um... 100 00:03:59,677 --> 00:04:02,367 Uh, you don't have a box for what our relationship is. 101 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,994 And what is your relationship? 102 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,057 Oh, uh, we're not married, but we've been together 103 00:04:05,182 --> 00:04:06,121 for three years. 104 00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:10,029 Aw, he won't propose? 105 00:04:10,154 --> 00:04:13,599 No, um, we are happily unmarried. 106 00:04:13,724 --> 00:04:18,758 If I had a soul, he would be its mate. 107 00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:21,807 Well, you're gonna have to fill out separate forms. 108 00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:24,014 Because you're not married, that means you're single. 109 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,474 Hey, look who's in daddy's shirt. 110 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:27,809 Ho-ho! 111 00:04:27,975 --> 00:04:32,480 I'm gonna die from tickles. 112 00:04:32,646 --> 00:04:34,219 Uh... 113 00:04:34,344 --> 00:04:35,955 Um, I don't think you understand. 114 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:38,157 It's just... we're, uh, married, just not legally. 115 00:04:38,282 --> 00:04:39,696 We don't need a piece of paper, you know? 116 00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:44,326 Mm, no, you're gonna need two pieces of paper. 117 00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:46,715 And we have to schedule a home visit. 118 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:47,954 There's a home visit? 119 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,368 Of course, we have to make sure 120 00:04:49,493 --> 00:04:51,537 our dogs are in stable households. 121 00:04:51,662 --> 00:04:54,628 And, you know, I don't wanna say that you just dating 122 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,171 is a red flag, 123 00:04:56,337 --> 00:05:00,913 but we've all seen Teen Mom. 124 00:05:01,038 --> 00:05:02,514 Heh... 125 00:05:02,639 --> 00:05:05,217 Okay, um, so you do home visits 126 00:05:05,342 --> 00:05:06,681 for married people too? 127 00:05:06,847 --> 00:05:09,521 Look, this shelter is full of dogs that were 128 00:05:09,646 --> 00:05:11,811 abandoned by unmarried couples who broke up. 129 00:05:11,977 --> 00:05:15,193 I have one little guy back there who is so scared, 130 00:05:15,318 --> 00:05:18,151 he won't come out of his purse. 131 00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:21,112 Okay, I'm actually not looking for an accessory, so... 132 00:05:21,278 --> 00:05:22,368 Hmm, don't worry. 133 00:05:22,493 --> 00:05:25,242 Doesn't look like he's getting you one. 134 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,995 Heh, can I talk to someone who's still alive inside? 135 00:05:29,161 --> 00:05:30,509 Oh, like somebody else who owns this rescue? 136 00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,177 No, I don't have any other partners, 137 00:05:32,302 --> 00:05:33,579 just my husband... 138 00:05:33,704 --> 00:05:35,085 And Jesus. 139 00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:37,754 Ugh, what are you doing? 140 00:05:38,308 --> 00:05:43,134 Oh, my God, I'm on a cloud of puppies. 141 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:44,719 Yeah... 142 00:05:44,885 --> 00:05:47,993 We very much look forward to having you 143 00:05:48,118 --> 00:05:50,987 and the lord as a guest in our home. 144 00:05:58,529 --> 00:05:59,776 Hey, Whit, look. 145 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:02,865 The Lion King. 146 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:08,421 You know, 147 00:06:08,422 --> 00:06:11,020 you should be okay to retire any time after 65. 148 00:06:11,145 --> 00:06:14,641 Oh, I'll never live that long. 149 00:06:14,766 --> 00:06:16,376 Oh, you're still going? 150 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,529 I'm not here. 151 00:06:18,695 --> 00:06:21,981 Not here. 152 00:06:22,106 --> 00:06:24,200 All right, well, thanks again, Neal. 153 00:06:24,325 --> 00:06:25,244 I really appreciate it. 154 00:06:25,410 --> 00:06:26,503 No problem, glad I could help. 155 00:06:26,628 --> 00:06:27,705 Aw... 156 00:06:27,871 --> 00:06:29,582 Oh! 157 00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:35,921 Uh... 158 00:06:36,087 --> 00:06:38,989 Heh. 159 00:06:41,843 --> 00:06:46,098 And then I accidentally kissed Neal. 160 00:06:46,264 --> 00:06:48,517 Shut up! 161 00:06:48,683 --> 00:06:50,510 I know, I know... I don't know what to do. 162 00:06:50,635 --> 00:06:52,062 Wait, do I tell lily? 163 00:06:52,228 --> 00:06:53,480 No! No, no, no, no. 164 00:06:53,605 --> 00:06:55,316 No, it was an accidental kiss. It didn't mean anything. 165 00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:56,983 I mean, think of all the guys that you've purposely 166 00:06:57,108 --> 00:06:59,953 had sex with and it meant nothing. 167 00:07:00,078 --> 00:07:02,698 I don't know, it's just... it's so awkward now. 168 00:07:02,864 --> 00:07:04,200 I don't even wanna be in the same room with him. 169 00:07:04,366 --> 00:07:05,825 Oh, well, you should probably go, 170 00:07:05,950 --> 00:07:07,912 'cause he's on his way back here with Alex, like, right now. 171 00:07:08,078 --> 00:07:09,996 What? No! 172 00:07:10,121 --> 00:07:10,997 Whit! 173 00:07:11,122 --> 00:07:12,082 You didn't tell me that. 174 00:07:12,490 --> 00:07:17,254 God, I'm telling you, it's super weird, I... 175 00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:18,631 I don't even wanna see him. 176 00:07:18,797 --> 00:07:20,773 Okay. 177 00:07:20,898 --> 00:07:25,304 Crazy... oh! 178 00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:31,894 Dude! 179 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,062 I have to go. 180 00:07:33,228 --> 00:07:35,940 Um, I have a wax, so... 181 00:07:36,106 --> 00:07:37,674 Me too. 182 00:07:37,799 --> 00:07:41,261 I mean... 183 00:07:41,386 --> 00:07:42,488 I mean, a meeting. 184 00:07:42,654 --> 00:07:45,157 - We're chillaxing. - Totally norms. 185 00:07:58,503 --> 00:07:59,979 You know, I think I'll just take the stairs. 186 00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:01,173 Oh, okay. 187 00:08:01,339 --> 00:08:06,220 Good day, sir. 188 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,222 - This is silly. - I know! You're right. 189 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:09,723 - I'll see you later. - Okay. 190 00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:13,269 Aah! 191 00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:20,033 Uh, so, okay, I got the crate. 192 00:08:20,158 --> 00:08:22,635 I got the dog bowls, and then I got the dog bed. 193 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,238 Why does it smell so good in here? 194 00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,089 Oh, that's the chocolate chip cookie candle, 195 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,440 it's the perfect way to let this dog lady know 196 00:08:27,565 --> 00:08:29,292 that I love to bake and do domestic stuff 197 00:08:29,417 --> 00:08:31,711 without actually having to bake or do domestic stuff. 198 00:08:31,836 --> 00:08:33,346 Ah. 199 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,015 Okay, well, I got seven leashes, 200 00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:38,885 so if, uh, this dog thing doesn't work out, you know, 201 00:08:39,010 --> 00:08:42,088 uh, we'll have to find, uh, something else to do 202 00:08:42,213 --> 00:08:44,807 with these leashes, you know? 203 00:08:44,932 --> 00:08:46,092 Focus. 204 00:08:46,217 --> 00:08:47,961 Home visits are all about the image you project. 205 00:08:48,086 --> 00:08:49,896 It's like when child services comes when you're a kid. 206 00:08:50,021 --> 00:08:51,965 You gotta just tell them what they wanna hear, 207 00:08:52,090 --> 00:08:53,600 and whatever you do, don't cry. 208 00:08:53,725 --> 00:08:56,020 They make you go to a different school. 209 00:08:56,186 --> 00:08:57,937 Okay... hey, when Mrs. janks gets here, 210 00:08:58,062 --> 00:09:01,192 uh, maybe don't mention child services at all. 211 00:09:01,358 --> 00:09:03,960 We are gonna show this woman we are just as married 212 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,411 as an actual married couple. 213 00:09:05,536 --> 00:09:07,279 Oh, is this too much? 214 00:09:07,404 --> 00:09:10,149 It's a puzzle of us kissing. 215 00:09:10,274 --> 00:09:11,619 Where did you get that? 216 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,620 Oh, it's what I ordered the other night 217 00:09:13,745 --> 00:09:17,323 when I was drunk. 218 00:09:17,448 --> 00:09:20,419 Okay, Mr. Miller, you own this condo. 219 00:09:20,585 --> 00:09:22,512 Do you two have any other roommates? 220 00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:23,963 Just us. 221 00:09:24,088 --> 00:09:25,883 For two years, which is way longer 222 00:09:26,049 --> 00:09:27,299 than Renee zellweger was married, 223 00:09:27,424 --> 00:09:30,179 and she's got, like, nine dogs, so... 224 00:09:30,762 --> 00:09:32,005 What's that smell? 225 00:09:32,130 --> 00:09:33,682 Is that chocolate chip cookies? 226 00:09:33,848 --> 00:09:35,559 Yeah, I actually just made a fresh batch. 227 00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:36,676 Chocolate could kill a dog quicker 228 00:09:36,801 --> 00:09:40,064 than a bullet through the head. 229 00:09:40,230 --> 00:09:43,525 This is a one bedroom apartment, a little small for a puppy. 230 00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:44,985 Are there any parks in this area? 231 00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:47,053 - Oh, parks! - Parks! Oh, gosh. 232 00:09:47,178 --> 00:09:48,421 Um, you know what, we actually, uh, 233 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,115 we have this cabin up in Michigan. 234 00:09:50,281 --> 00:09:52,458 Um, where it's in this small town. 235 00:09:52,583 --> 00:09:53,509 - Uh, it's called... - Narnia. 236 00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:55,704 Mm-hm. 237 00:09:55,870 --> 00:09:56,863 Um, and we could just let the dog go 238 00:09:56,988 --> 00:09:58,707 and run for Miles and Miles, with deer... 239 00:09:58,873 --> 00:10:00,960 Hold on, hold on, the dog should not be off its leash. 240 00:10:01,126 --> 00:10:02,135 No, it's fenced in. 241 00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:04,053 The forest is all fenced. 242 00:10:04,178 --> 00:10:05,714 - Uh, it's got a... - In narnia. 243 00:10:06,180 --> 00:10:07,716 - Yeah. - Yeah. 244 00:10:07,882 --> 00:10:11,194 Okay, I hope you're not planning on having any kids, 245 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,764 because you can't handle a new baby and a new dog 246 00:10:13,930 --> 00:10:14,703 at the same time. 247 00:10:14,828 --> 00:10:16,582 Oh, no, trust me, I've smoked so much weed, 248 00:10:16,707 --> 00:10:20,646 so it's, like... I have no sperm. 249 00:10:20,812 --> 00:10:24,692 Go get the puzzle. Go get it. 250 00:10:26,617 --> 00:10:29,686 - Aw! - Oh! 251 00:10:32,115 --> 00:10:33,617 We were denied a dog. 252 00:10:33,783 --> 00:10:35,536 I mean, the homeless guy on the corner has four dogs. 253 00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:36,954 I wonder if he's married? 254 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,005 Oh, Alan? Yeah, probably not. 255 00:10:39,130 --> 00:10:41,750 He eats beans out of a violin. 256 00:10:41,916 --> 00:10:43,609 And I really wanted a dog, now who am I gonna 257 00:10:43,734 --> 00:10:45,462 take a bath with later? 258 00:10:45,628 --> 00:10:47,423 Whitney? 259 00:10:47,589 --> 00:10:49,649 Nah, it's not the same. 260 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,617 I am telling you, the second I checked 261 00:10:51,742 --> 00:10:53,553 that stupid "single" box on that form, 262 00:10:53,678 --> 00:10:54,722 that woman made up her mind. 263 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:55,848 That's discrimination, 264 00:10:56,014 --> 00:10:57,224 which I can't arrest her for, 265 00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,976 but I could probably throw a boot on her car. 266 00:10:59,142 --> 00:11:00,769 Jam up her day. 267 00:11:00,935 --> 00:11:02,495 She is prejudiced. 268 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:05,765 No, she is a singlist. 269 00:11:05,890 --> 00:11:07,383 Ooh! Tweet that. 270 00:11:07,508 --> 00:11:10,946 Then I'll retweet it, hashtag, America. 271 00:11:12,063 --> 00:11:13,205 We should probably pay. 272 00:11:13,330 --> 00:11:14,407 Oh, yeah, we'll, uh, we'll split it. 273 00:11:14,532 --> 00:11:16,535 Oh, yeah. 274 00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:18,511 You guys don't have to pretend to reach for your wallet. 275 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:19,580 We got it. 276 00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:23,149 Wait, what? Are you sure? 277 00:11:23,274 --> 00:11:24,751 Aw. 278 00:11:24,876 --> 00:11:26,352 So how's your girlfriend Roxanne? 279 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:27,570 You told him? 280 00:11:27,695 --> 00:11:29,631 It's not a big deal, accidents happen. 281 00:11:29,797 --> 00:11:31,591 Roxanne is a single woman with needs, 282 00:11:31,716 --> 00:11:34,994 you're a handsome man from an exotic part of the world. 283 00:11:35,119 --> 00:11:38,474 There are no accidents. 284 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,061 Okay, so this woman's pretty hardcore. 285 00:11:42,227 --> 00:11:43,469 Yeah, I got your back. 286 00:11:43,594 --> 00:11:45,814 I'm your hype man. You know, like in rap? 287 00:11:45,980 --> 00:11:47,774 The guy who emphasizes your point? 288 00:11:47,899 --> 00:11:50,777 Heh, say "hello, New York City." 289 00:11:50,902 --> 00:11:51,761 Hello, New York... 290 00:11:51,886 --> 00:11:57,784 New York City, make some noise! 291 00:11:57,909 --> 00:11:59,661 Oh, look who's back. 292 00:11:59,827 --> 00:12:03,523 And on her way back from narnia, she picked up a hobbit. 293 00:12:03,648 --> 00:12:07,377 I took the liberty of adding a box to your antiquated form. 294 00:12:07,543 --> 00:12:10,363 "Single, married, and committed?" 295 00:12:10,488 --> 00:12:15,034 Yup. Boom, mind blown. 296 00:12:15,159 --> 00:12:18,889 Uh-huh. Blown. 297 00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:20,706 Do you know the percentage of unmarried couples 298 00:12:20,831 --> 00:12:22,017 who get divorced? 299 00:12:22,183 --> 00:12:25,211 - How can an unmarried couple... - Zero, okay? 300 00:12:25,336 --> 00:12:27,914 Alex and I are not married, but we're even better. 301 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,383 We choose to be together every single day. 302 00:12:30,508 --> 00:12:33,028 24-7, 365, son. 303 00:12:35,071 --> 00:12:37,256 Alex and I would like to rescue a dog. 304 00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:38,858 Big or small, young or old... 305 00:12:38,983 --> 00:12:41,662 'Cause unlike you, I have no prejudices. 306 00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,414 - Really? - Really. 307 00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:45,666 - Maybe I misjudged you. - Yes, you did. 308 00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:46,999 I didn't realize you'd be willing to help 309 00:12:47,124 --> 00:12:48,043 an older animal. 310 00:12:48,209 --> 00:12:49,802 Willing? 311 00:12:49,927 --> 00:12:51,304 Older animal? 312 00:12:51,429 --> 00:12:53,439 Realize? 313 00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:55,801 I would love an older animal. 314 00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:57,761 Some of our dogs need a lot of help. 315 00:12:57,927 --> 00:12:58,911 Good. 316 00:12:59,036 --> 00:13:00,681 So you'd be okay with a disabled dog? 317 00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:04,116 Absolutely, because I don't judge, okay? 318 00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:07,687 It doesn't even need legs. Less legs the better, okay? 319 00:13:07,812 --> 00:13:11,173 Just a torso and a wheelchair, that's all... we'll just 320 00:13:11,298 --> 00:13:14,570 play murder ball all day. 321 00:13:14,736 --> 00:13:17,187 Murder up. 322 00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:21,702 Alex! 323 00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,788 Meet Clarence, our new puppy! 324 00:13:24,954 --> 00:13:26,030 Aah! Aah! 325 00:13:26,155 --> 00:13:27,198 Hold on. 326 00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:32,537 One second. 327 00:13:32,662 --> 00:13:33,905 Come on, boy. 328 00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:34,906 Come on. 329 00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,291 Yeah, come on, come on. 330 00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:38,709 Yeah, come on. 331 00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:39,977 Almost there. 332 00:13:40,102 --> 00:13:43,130 Yeah. 333 00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:45,934 - Come on. - Whit, how old is this dog? 334 00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,604 He's 19. 335 00:13:48,770 --> 00:13:51,005 He's not even old enough to drink. 336 00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:52,823 Which is kind of ironic, 'cause his liver's 337 00:13:52,948 --> 00:13:54,776 pretty much shot. 338 00:13:55,151 --> 00:13:58,362 - Isn't he the best? - Huh. 339 00:13:58,487 --> 00:13:59,964 Oh, um, uh, he's kind of fragile. 340 00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,799 Maybe just talk to him. 341 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,535 Okay. Hey, buddy. 342 00:14:03,701 --> 00:14:07,171 Uh, louder, he's deaf. 343 00:14:07,296 --> 00:14:08,123 Hey, buddy! 344 00:14:08,289 --> 00:14:12,577 Closer, he's blind. 345 00:14:12,702 --> 00:14:14,078 Hey, buddy, how you doing? 346 00:14:14,203 --> 00:14:15,813 Aw, look at your face. 347 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,592 Okay, yeah, you're... Look at your gums, 348 00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:21,018 they're so grey. 349 00:14:21,143 --> 00:14:24,162 You got... oh, okay, ew. 350 00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:35,484 Aw, where's all your teeth? 351 00:14:35,650 --> 00:14:36,818 What, you're gonna give him pills? 352 00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:39,687 Oh, yeah, these are just treats and vitamins 353 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,573 and antibiotics. 354 00:14:42,698 --> 00:14:44,225 Well, is that what the cone is for? 355 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:45,876 Oh, this cute thing? 356 00:14:46,001 --> 00:14:48,346 Oh, that's just, um, he has some stitches. 357 00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:52,850 Clarence had some stuff removed recently. 358 00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,586 - Stuff? - Uh-huh. 359 00:14:54,752 --> 00:14:59,007 Just some stuff, and tumors. 360 00:14:59,173 --> 00:15:01,593 He's just like a normal dog. 361 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:05,796 You ready? 362 00:15:05,921 --> 00:15:06,964 You ready to go get the ball? 363 00:15:07,089 --> 00:15:07,965 Yeah? 364 00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:09,400 You ready to get the ball? 365 00:15:09,525 --> 00:15:10,384 Here we go. 366 00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:12,479 Whoa! 367 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,105 - Go! - Go get it! 368 00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:15,506 Go get it! Go get the ball! 369 00:15:15,631 --> 00:15:17,642 - Go get it! - Go get it! 370 00:15:17,767 --> 00:15:19,810 Go get it! 371 00:15:19,935 --> 00:15:21,280 - Go! - Go get it! 372 00:15:21,446 --> 00:15:22,823 You wanna get the ball? 373 00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:23,848 Okay, I'll go get the ball. 374 00:15:23,973 --> 00:15:25,367 Good. 375 00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:28,996 That is a good boy. There's the ball, good boy. 376 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,387 I think you just threw it too far. 377 00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:32,156 Oh, okay. Okay, okay, okay. 378 00:15:32,281 --> 00:15:35,026 Um... er, uh... how about... 379 00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:38,996 Ooh! 380 00:15:39,121 --> 00:15:42,066 It's right there. Come on, man. 381 00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,334 You know what? 382 00:15:43,459 --> 00:15:45,012 Come on, let's go get the ball. 383 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,088 Oh, come on. 384 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,789 Yeah! Oh, there it is. 385 00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:49,790 That's the ball. 386 00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:51,459 Oh, there, good boy. 387 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,444 Bring it back to daddy. 388 00:15:53,569 --> 00:15:55,946 - Oh, yes. - Aw, look at what he did. 389 00:15:56,071 --> 00:15:56,981 - Oh! - Oh, look at what he did. 390 00:15:57,106 --> 00:16:00,518 - Oh, good boy. - Look at what he did. 391 00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:03,921 Oh, remind me in ten minutes, I have to give him another pill. 392 00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:06,640 You know, I had my doubts about you getting a dog 393 00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:08,201 because it's such a big commitment. 394 00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,827 I mean, we could have gotten a puppy, 395 00:16:09,952 --> 00:16:11,996 which is, like, a 15 year thing. 396 00:16:12,121 --> 00:16:14,298 I told you, just because I'm afraid of marriage 397 00:16:14,423 --> 00:16:16,734 does not mean I'm afraid of commitment. 398 00:16:16,859 --> 00:16:21,173 Especially if it's to something lovable and scruffy. 399 00:16:23,299 --> 00:16:25,093 You're, like, weirdly good with him. 400 00:16:25,259 --> 00:16:27,912 How come you never had a dog before? 401 00:16:28,037 --> 00:16:30,932 I never had a dog before because I never had you. 402 00:16:31,098 --> 00:16:32,934 What do you mean? 403 00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,819 Well, every other guy I dated, I knew it was gonna end, 404 00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:36,354 so I didn't wanna commit to something that wasn't gonna 405 00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:38,339 last longer than the relationship. 406 00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:42,293 I mean, before you I bought milk by the quart. 407 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,155 Aw, now you buy so much that it goes bad. 408 00:16:47,365 --> 00:16:50,369 I love having a dog with you. 409 00:16:50,535 --> 00:16:53,288 Me too. 410 00:16:53,454 --> 00:16:56,750 It's like our first big thing we've done together. 411 00:16:58,376 --> 00:17:00,244 Oh, my God, I think he wagged his tail! 412 00:17:00,369 --> 00:17:01,630 - Yeah? - Oh, my God! 413 00:17:01,796 --> 00:17:02,780 Ooh... 414 00:17:02,905 --> 00:17:05,039 Aah. 415 00:17:07,710 --> 00:17:11,005 Mm. Mmmm. 416 00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:13,225 Morning, Clarence. 417 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,812 He's kind of like the perfect dog. 418 00:17:16,978 --> 00:17:18,188 He didn't bark at all last night. 419 00:17:18,354 --> 00:17:20,064 Ahh... we did a good thing. 420 00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:21,432 I mean if it wasn't for us, he would have spent 421 00:17:21,557 --> 00:17:23,200 the rest of his life at that cold shelter 422 00:17:23,325 --> 00:17:24,869 with no one to love him 423 00:17:24,994 --> 00:17:28,657 or chew up his apple sauce for him. 424 00:17:28,823 --> 00:17:30,441 Yeah. 425 00:17:30,566 --> 00:17:32,035 Hey, buddy. 426 00:17:32,201 --> 00:17:34,145 Hey. 427 00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:36,147 Hey. 428 00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:39,350 Hey. 429 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,520 Hey. 430 00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:47,091 Hey. 431 00:17:47,216 --> 00:17:50,218 Hey. 432 00:17:55,057 --> 00:17:56,268 Sorry for your loss. 433 00:17:56,434 --> 00:17:57,894 Thanks, mark. And thanks for dressing up. 434 00:17:58,060 --> 00:17:59,069 It's the right thing to do. 435 00:17:59,194 --> 00:18:02,399 And it's laundry day. 436 00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:04,475 I never met Clarence. 437 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,977 And I've never been to a doggy wake. 438 00:18:07,102 --> 00:18:09,698 But I think the appropriate thing to do is drink. 439 00:18:09,864 --> 00:18:11,715 Aw. 440 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:12,917 To Clarence. 441 00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:17,455 Mm! 442 00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:18,522 You know what? 443 00:18:18,647 --> 00:18:20,257 Whoever invented Martini glasses... 444 00:18:20,382 --> 00:18:22,693 Never drank three Martinis. 445 00:18:22,818 --> 00:18:23,920 Excuse me. 446 00:18:24,086 --> 00:18:25,579 I miss Clarence. 447 00:18:25,704 --> 00:18:28,065 Yeah, you can still smell him. 448 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:31,452 It's not a good smell, but, you know. 449 00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:33,889 It's his. 450 00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:38,409 It smells like dead chocolate chip cookies. 451 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:42,179 Is that a thing? 452 00:18:42,304 --> 00:18:43,148 Hey. 453 00:18:43,314 --> 00:18:44,441 Sorry we're late. 454 00:18:44,607 --> 00:18:46,750 We've just been standing in the hallway 455 00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,821 until we could figure out the right thing to say. 456 00:18:52,314 --> 00:18:56,694 Still got nothing. 457 00:18:56,819 --> 00:18:57,954 We brought you a deli platter. 458 00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,780 Yeah, what better way to celebrate 459 00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:02,199 the death of an animal 460 00:19:02,324 --> 00:19:05,587 than with other dead animals. 461 00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:09,790 Oh, my God! Not again! 462 00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,092 I'm sorry, I'm sorry! 463 00:19:11,258 --> 00:19:12,594 Well, why didn't you knock? 464 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,944 I didn't know you'd be in there 465 00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:17,224 and those would be out there! 466 00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:18,934 Uh, what is going on? 467 00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:20,251 Nothing, nothing. 468 00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:23,220 We just accidentally kissed and then she touched me. 469 00:19:23,345 --> 00:19:26,914 Well, his crotch is at a very inconvenient height. 470 00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:30,761 Lily, this is on you. 471 00:19:30,886 --> 00:19:33,531 You cannot force a man and a woman to be "friends." 472 00:19:33,656 --> 00:19:35,065 It's against the laws of nature. 473 00:19:35,190 --> 00:19:37,994 It's like a female wrestler. 474 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,405 Uh... 475 00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:43,307 That is ridiculous. 476 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:46,670 They are friends and these are clearly accidents. 477 00:19:46,836 --> 00:19:49,881 Again, there are no accidents. 478 00:19:50,047 --> 00:19:51,198 Okay, I gotta fly. 479 00:19:51,323 --> 00:19:53,343 Alex, buddy, I'm sorry about Clarence. 480 00:19:53,509 --> 00:19:54,636 Come here. 481 00:19:55,244 --> 00:19:58,974 Dude! 482 00:19:59,140 --> 00:20:00,190 Aah! 483 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,852 - Dude! - Aah! 484 00:20:03,018 --> 00:20:04,895 I didn't mean to do that! 485 00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:06,196 Or that! 486 00:20:06,321 --> 00:20:08,599 I don't know, man, you know. 487 00:20:08,724 --> 00:20:09,734 There are no accidents, come here. 488 00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:10,768 Get away. Get away! 489 00:20:10,893 --> 00:20:13,697 Get over here. 490 00:20:17,478 --> 00:20:19,492 Hello, I'm Clarence. 491 00:20:19,617 --> 00:20:21,595 Hello, I am sarge! 492 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,598 Oh, oh, aren't squirrels the best? 493 00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:28,962 Oh, not as good as dogs, ha-ha-ha! 494 00:20:46,611 --> 00:20:47,898 Hey, uh, Whit? 495 00:20:48,064 --> 00:20:50,957 Oh! Ah, they're having a play date. 496 00:20:51,082 --> 00:20:53,236 Right. 497 00:20:53,402 --> 00:20:59,200 Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com 498 00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:03,800 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 34240

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