All language subtitles for United.States.of.Al.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Daddy!

There's my girl!

(grunts)

Hey, Grampy.

Hey, Hazelnut!

(door closes)

Hello, Vanessa.

Hey, Al.
Hey, everybody.

Hazel, there's someone really
special I want you to meet.

You remember we talked
about Uncle Al?

He was my interpreter
in Afghanistan.

And now he's bunking
with me in the garage.

Hello.

Hello.

Hazel, can you say
" tsanga yee "?

That is how we greet people
in my country.

Tsanga yee.

There.
Now you speak more Pashto

than your father.

(exhales)
Wow.

Look at you.
You are such a big girl.

I can still remember
the day you were born.

You were this little.

Mom says you
saved Dad's life.

That is true.

Many times.

He was like a drunken baby

walking around
a sharp coffee table.

(chuckling)

Did you know that your Uncle Al
is also your godfather?

Which some might say
is even more important

than an actual father.

Mm, no one says that.

Don't be jealous.
You're better than that.

Here.

Hazel, I brought you
a special present.

My mother made you this
dress with her own hands.

Hmm.

It must have shrunk
while I waited three years

for the U.S. government
to stamp my paperwork.

What do you say, Hazel?

I think I can make it work.

Hazel,

as soon as I get
my driver's license,

I am going to take you shopping
and we are going to buy you

many dresses that are
the same size as you.

Can you get me a dirt bike?

Yes.

No.

No.

But if ever you
have a problem

and you cannot go
to your mom or dad,

you can come to me.

As your
godfather,

I will protect you

and care for you

for the rest
of my life.

Wow, will you be
my godfather, too?

Hey, hey, hey.
Get your own.

♪ ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

Okay, next question.

Mm-hmm.

For better visibility
while driving

in rain, fog or snow,

you should keep your blank on.

Pants.

The answer is low beams.

Not as funny.

(computer chimes)

Huh?

Huh?

Short?

Pepper shaker.

Huh?

What'd she say?

I am her favorite son.

Hey, what about me?

Hello, Riley Jaan.

Salaam, Khala Jaan.

What'd she say about me?

You look fatter
than she remembers.

Ooh, this is
a good one.

Mm.

Which is the most significant
factor in nighttime crashes?

A, small-town
speed traps,

B, fatigue, C...

It is B-- fatigue.

In America, fatigue contributes
to 20% of nighttime crashes.

That is not
in the book.

I looked that up
in case there is extra credit.

There isn't.

Hmm. Then it will make
an interesting fact

to fill gaps in conversation.

Where are
my keys?

(jangling)

Seriously?

You know, Riley,

I have noticed that you
drive too close to cars.

No, I don't.

You must always be
three Mississippis away.

Do you even know
what Mississippi is?

A state and a river

and a rule for safe driving
that you never follow.

Oh, please. I'm a great driver.

Been doing it
since I could reach the pedals.

Okay.

Well, did you know, in Ohio,

you are legally required to honk
when you pass another car?

That's not true.

That's stupid.

Look on the bottom
of page 30.

No, this is just one
of his crazy things,

like how he thinks when you step
on a shard of glass,

it'll get in your heart
and you'll die.

That is not crazy.

It is very dangerous.

Son of a bitch, you are supposed
to honk. He's right.

Get used to it.

Hey. Look
at your own test.

No, no, it was her.

And the child is right.

Screw you.
I'm not a child.

No talking.

Thank you.

You here to get
your license?

I have
an out-of-state one, so...

yeah.

Mm.

Yeah, I've been out of state
myself recently.

Afghanistan.

Oh. Marines.

Fighting for freedom.

Thank you for your service.

Yeah. Let's talk
about that.

Riley, Riley, Riley.

I passed. 100%.

That's great, buddy.

Eh, technically,

they said I got one wrong,

but I said they got one wrong.

Hey, could you give me
a minute here, Al?

Sure.

He is married, by the way.

We're separated.

English is not
his first language.

(grunting softly)

(exhaling)

Are you Awa...

Awal...

This name?

Yes. That is me.

Thank you. I'm Paula.
I'll be your examiner today.

Ah.

Are you ready?

Absolutely, Paula.

(seat belt clicks)

Is everything okay?

Yes. Of course.

Do you have
your permit?

Yes, of course.

Well, can I have it?

Oh, yes. Sorry.
(chuckles)

Oh.

Ah. I was looking
for this. (chuckles)

Mm.

Okay. Why don't you put it
in drive and slowly pull out.

(heart beating rapidly)

(muffled):
Take off the parking brake.

Hello?

(clearly):
Mr. Awa-wa?

Are we doing this?

Oh, yes.
Uh, I-I am so sorry.

Um...

(chuckles softly)

(engine starts)

(crash)

Did you know that fatigue

contributes to 20%
of nighttime crashes?

I did.

Me too.

Come on, man. Just
tell me what happened.

It is not important.
I-I will pay for the damage.

Or I will fix it myself.
I have a hammer in my pocket.

(exhales) I'm not
worried about my truck.

I want to know what
happened back there.

Nothing.
I-I do not know.

Maybe I'm just
a bad driver.

What are you talking about?
Dude, I've seen you drive

through a mortar attack.
And even under fire,

you used your turn signals.

She was wearing shorts.

Who?

The woman. The test woman.

Okay. So?

I-I could not focus.
I could not concentrate.

I-I did not know what to do.

Well, what do you normally do
when you see a woman's legs?

I have never
seen a woman's legs.

Never? No.

No. Yes.

No.

Yes.

(sighs)

What about your sister?

How dare you.

You've seen legs in,
like, movies and stuff.

Yes, but these were real.

The woman was so close,
I could touch her.

Oh, please tell me
you didn't touch her.

(groans)

(inhales)

Hey. Don't feel bad, Al.

It took me, like, five times
to pass my driving test.

Once, I was high.

Once, I flunked on purpose
to piss off my dad.

And the rest were for
just being a lousy driver.

The system works.

Can we not talk
about this right now?

Mm. Mm.

So, what happened?

I think the instructor
did not like me.

That's impossible.

I'm gonna call the BMV

and give 'em a piece of my mind.

Please do not do
that, Mr. Art.

Why not?

The woman that gave you the test
clearly had an ax to grind.

She had no ax.

She was wearing shorts.

Say again?

She was wearing shorts.

So?

So I almost had
a heart attack.

Well, didn't you once
charge a bunch of Taliban

while your whole squad
was retreating?

The Taliban were wearing pants.

And Marines don't retreat.

We advance
in a different direction.

Okay, I'm trying really hard
to understand here.

Mm.

You failed your test
because the woman had legs?

And I could see them.

But you're wearing shorts.

But it's different.

How?

Um, I do not know.
It just is.

Because you're a man?

Yes, thank you.

Because I'm a man.

That's completely
hypocritical.

No, it is not.
My legs do not inspire lust.

You don't know that.

Do they?

(snorts) No.

(laughing):
Yeah, no.

(laughs)
I'm sorry, buddy.

(laughing)

(knocking)

It's open.

Hey.

What you drawing?

You don't care.
You just need something.

Okay, I need a favor.

See?

Would you mind toning down the
stuff you wear around the house?

What do you mean
by "toning down"?

Oh, just, like,
different clothes.

Or more of them.

Yeah, actually, I would.

Come on.
It's for Al.

Did he put you
up to this?

No, this is all on me.

Ah, that's explains
why it's stupid.

Come on, just
for a little while?

I want him to be comfortable.

Don't you care
if I'm comfortable?

Please don't
make this a big deal.

Too late.
You made it one.

I'm just asking you
to wear pants

and long sleeves
around the house.

Hey, if that's the deal,

I'm asking you
to wear a tutu and clown shoes.

Okay, let's just start over.

Good idea.
Get out of my room.

I just...

No.

Ah...

Still thinking about
those legs?

They were so smooth

and they smelled
like coconuts.

Wait till you see boobs.

Your head's gonna
fall off your shoulders.

Hey, uh,

just so you know,
I had a little talk with Lizzie

and told her that
some of her clothes

might make you uncomfortable.

Oh, I wish you had not
done that.

Relax.

She hasn't done anything
I've asked her to do

since she was a little girl,
and I told her "jalapeño"

was Spanish for candy.

Riley, I do not want your sister
to think I believe

women should cover their legs.

You don't?

No!
I want to see their legs.

What fool would not like
to see a woman's legs?

I can think of one fool

who put a giant dent
in the back of my truck.

Riley, you spent all that time

training for battle.

Uh-huh.

But the first time
someone shot at you,

were you ready?

No.

And it was different
than a movie.

Okay, I see what you mean.

You just
got to get used to it.

Yes.

Ooh, we might
want to get on that fast.

Summer's coming.

What do you mean?

Google "Daisy Dukes."

(exclaims)
They go shorter?!

Hello, Mr. Art.

Hey!
How you doing?

I have been better.

Well, listen,
don't feel bad.

You know, this one time

I was, um,
walking down the street,

saw this attractive woman.
(chuckles)

Real nice, you know.
Eh.

Don't want to say anything
to upset you, but...

Let's just say she had big cans.

So I'm staring at her,
and I don't notice

there's an open cellar door
in the sidewalk.

I tumble in,
land on a pallet of peaches.

(laughs)

I'm too embarrassed
to come out,

so I just lie there
a while, you know...

eating peaches.

(laughs)

Finally, I figure
the coast is clear.

So I crawl out,
and that's when I realize

both my legs are broken.

Al, the point is
don't feel bad.

And don't eat more than three
or four peaches at a time.

You'll pay for it later.

I am sorry for bringing
problems into your home.

I cannot help but feel
that I am a bad guest.

Oh, whoa, whoa, let's get
something straight here, okay?

You are not a guest.
You're family.

Thank you.

I am afraid that I
have offended Lizzie.

So what?

Well, I am afraid that

Riley offended Lizzie
on my behalf.

That I would put ten bucks on.

I think I better
go straighten things out.

All right, suit yourself.

I think I have some
peach schnapps.

(knocking)

Come in.

AL:
Uh, could you please come out?

What?

I would like to talk to you.

Okay. Come in.

No, thank you.

Suit yourself.

Wh-Where I grew up, being
in a single woman's bedroom

would be disrespectful
to her father.

Not to worry,
my father doesn't respect me.

It's just a room.

Okay.

Hmm. Very nice.

Thank you.

What are you drawing?

Ah, nothing.

Lizzie...

at dinner you said
I was a hypocrite.

You were right.

For me, wearing shorts
is no big deal,

but seeing a woman
wearing them is.

And that is a double standard.

It sure is.

And perhaps I was
being unfair to myself.

Maybe my legs
can inspire lust.

Maybe.

But I want you to understand,

I would never
tell you how to dress.

That is what the Taliban does,

and I spent years
fighting them.

Of course you did.
How could I forget that?

Well, do not blame yourself,
even I lose track of

all the great things I've done.

I'm sorry I judged you
at dinner.

That was not fair.

Thank you.

Do you want to know
something else about me?

Always.

Until I walked
into this room,

I had never seen a woman
lying on a bed before.

Really?

Really.

That is so hard for me
to wrap my head around.

So now you know how I feel.

I guess so.

Can I give you a hug?

Definitely not.
Good night.

(speaking Pashto)

Look who's back.

Mr. Awa... Awal...

Hello, Paula.

Are you ready?

Yes.

I like your shorts.

I am wearing shorts also.

Yep.

All right, why don't you
put it in drive.

Mm-hmm.

That's the "D" one.

And then pull out.
Forward.

That direction.

Yes, thank you.

(engine starts)

Ah.

Excellent.

Mm.

We're almost done.

Just take a left
at this intersection.

Mm-hmm.

Paula, what is the coolest
car you have been in?

A '63 Corvette Stingray.
Mint condition.

I'm a Toyota Corolla man myself.

1997, any condition.

Want your car washed?

No, thanks.

Okay.

If I run this red light,
will I fail my test?

Absolutely.

Okay, okay...

It is a very long light.