All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S06E10_English

Morning,
Mary Lou.

Hello, Phil.

Morning, Beverly.

Aren't we happy?

Yeah, I was up until
four in the morning...

fucking' my brains out.
Mary Lou: Eww!

Nobody wants
to hear that, Phil.
I do.

Hey, where's Brian?

What is it, some gay holiday?
Gay Groundhog Day?

I'm right here.

Oh, hello.

You know, on my way
into work, I figured out

what the faggiest car
you could drive is:

a Rose Parade float.

I drive a Saturn.

I stand corrected.

Uh, shouldn't you be working
on the monologue, Phil?

This is
the monologue.

Do you know how you
can tell you're gay?

It's when you lean over
and you see four balls.

You know how else
you can tell you're gay?

What?
Gay people make
really dramatic exits.

Really?
Yeah.

A walk
to the door.
Uh-huh.

A graceful pivot.

One last look
of contempt, and slam.

(laughing)
You're a real jerk.

Nice slam!

Ed Begley here.

Larry, we are really
gonna miss you.

You're a funny man
and a great environmentalist,

which explains
why you're always
recycling jokes.

Anyway,
it's been a great 10 years

and we love you, Larry.

Now, Hank, if this runs,
am I gonna get paid?

And I got, uh,
Bernadette Peters,

and I have, uh,
Larry Miller,

one of the Olsen twins,
uh, Bruno Kirby.

And... later on,
I'm gonna do,

uh, one of Larry's favorites,
Drew Barrymore.

Hey, Drew Barrymore.
Well, Larry'll like that.

Won't it be a hoot
for the last show?

This is a perfect way
for me to show Larry

how much the last 10 years
have meant to me.

No.

Please.

Sweetie, the last show
is packed

fuller than
Baryshnikov's tights.

But lucky for you,
one of Bobby Berosini's
chimps fell off his bike,

so you can have five minutes
Friday night.

Friday night?
Uh, no, I can't do it.
It's impossible.

I mean, I'm still
working on it.

Friday or nothing.

Okay, no problem.

And I got invited
to this party

at, uh, Alan Rudolph's house.

It's actually
William Holden's old place.

I mean, not the place
where he hit his head
and died and everything.

It was actually
another place.

But you know Alan Rudolph,
he's a-- he's a director?
Larry: Mm-hm.

Now, he directed
this movie.

He's actually a protege
of Robert Altman's.
Mm-hm.

Well, I mean,
not a protege exactly, but...

She's a good guest, right?
Absolutely.

Really?

Absolutely.

Please, don't ask me again.

She's a good guest, right?

Well, there's no dead spots,
that's for sure.

That's the one where
Geraldine Chaplin is naked,

which is
a little disturbing...

Look, I know you
don't want to date
someone who's a bad guest.

Well, you remember
Jennifer Tilly, right?

She was a good guest.

Yeah, but not good enough
to get serious about.

Right?

No.

(knocking)

Artie:
What is it?
Oh, I'm sorry.

But could I please speak
to you for a moment, Arthur?
It's very important.

On August 4, I said
I didn't eat meat,
and Phil said,

"Does that mean your boyfriend
has a tofu cock?"

But later that day
he said,

"I hate going to Hawaii

"because I can't tell
the native Hawaiians

"from the homosexuals,

"because they're both wearing
the same shirts.

"I tried
to go windsurfing

and accidentally
got a blow job."

(chuckling)
Arthur, please!

Sorry.

It doesn't
even make sense.
Well, it's just ridiculous.

I mean, come on,
what gay guys
wear Hawaiian shirts?

Have you been on
Santa Monica Boulevard
in the last 10 years?

I take Sunset.

This is sexual harassment.

Oh, sexual harassment,
my ass.

Calm down, will you?

I won't calm down.

It is sexual harassment,

and if he doesn't cease
and desist immediately,

I'm going to sue him
and the show.

Hello, Larry.

It's Drew Barrymore,

and I just wanted to say

that the few times
I've been on the show,

I felt like we had
this magical connection,

and you are an inspired spirit.

And... now you
have the chance
to fly free,

so fly free,
funny man.

And I will miss going to bed
with you every night.

And I love you,
Larry Sanders.

Wow.

Drew:
Okay?
Oh, isn't that pretty?

That's pretty. Okay.

So, show your tits.

What?

Well, you know, like you did
on... on "Letterman,"

you know... (whistles)
a little whoop-de-doo.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

Cut, cut, cut.

Um, I thought
that was like your schtick.

You know,
like I do "Hey now"?

You're a pig.
Come on...

And I feel
really sorry for you.

All right,
all right, look.

I'm sorry, I'm s--

Look,
I am sorry.

That's wrong
and I...

I apologize.

Okay, good,
thank you.

I feel bad.

Sorry.

Thanks for coming in.

Okay. Thank you.

Do you want to show
a little, uh...

you know, a little tuchas?

You know, I'm so excited
you're gonna be on the show
this week.

I know, me too.

What are you gonna
talk about?

I don't know, I haven't
really thought about it.

You haven't
thought about it?

It's coming up
in a couple days.

I know, I thought
I'd just wing it.

"Wing it"?

Why, are you worried
that I'm not gonna be good
or something?

No.
Really?

You're gonna
be great.
Am I?

Yes, you're always great
when you wing it.

Hey, John, will you
excuse us, please?

Jody,
the camel's hilarious.

We gotta talk
about Brian.

Oh, I hear
he's gay.
Fuck you.

You gotta cut out
these gay jokes.

You're hurtin'
Brian's feelings.

God, Artie,
he's such a sissy.

Let's look at all this evidence
he's compiled on you.

It's thicker
than Heidi Fleiss' phone book.

Why do you
have this?

'Cause Brian
gave it to me.

He's getting ready
to sue this show

and particularly you,
for sexual harassment.

Listen, Artie, I got to
be able to insult people.

It's like,
if I don't insult people,

I can't get to the good jokes,
this is my process.

Well, I suggest you try
to get to the good jokes

without going through
Brian's ass.

What the hell
am I supposed to do,
censor myself?

Not one gay joke.

But, Artie, this--
Not one.

Ooh, it's going
down now.

Good morning, ladies.

Brian.
Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Phil.

Good morning... Brian.

And how are we today?

We... are... great.

Oh, thank God
the rains have stopped, eh?

(mutters)
Yeah.

Phil, do you
like my outfit?

Yes... I do.
Oh.

Isn't it fetching?

Yeah, that's...
that's not the word
I'm looking for.

Excuse me.

Huh. Well,
I took care of him, eh?

You sure did.

What, did you get that
at the Freddie Mercury
estate sale?

I knew it,
I knew you couldn't resist.

What are they--
What, did they
hire you at UPS?

'Cause you're sporting
a very big package.

Oh, well,
thank you for noticing.

Sign here and the package
is all yours, sir.

I don't think anybody could help
but notice, you know?

But you know what?
Unlike you, I'm as straight
as they come.

And when I say "straight"
I mean "guys,"

and when I say "come,"
I mean on my face.

What?
Eww.

Come on,
that was funny.

You are ridiculous.

I am hilarious.

Um...

God.

Maybe you should
go put on some pants

before Larry
gets in.

Yeah,
that's a good idea.

Oh, he's really
workin' out.

I wish my ass
looked like that.

We all are named
in this lawsuit.

Well, couldn't we settle this?

Can't we just get him
a membership in a gym
or something?

I... I'm afraid not.

Well,
I don't get it.

What did he say exactly
that upset him so much?

Just see pages
five through 12.

You'll get
the message.

"I think my dog is gay
because his penis
tastes bitter."

(chuckles)
That's my joke.

He's a fucking asshole.

Absolutely.
(knocking)

Hi. You want to see me?
Yes.

Brian has filed a lawsuit
against "The Larry Sanders Show"

for sexual harassment

and you've got
top billing.

Plus, you stole
my gay dog joke.

What is that about?

Holy shit,
this is crazy.

God damn you.

Didn't I tell you
to shut the fuck up?
Didn't I?

Did you see
what he was wearing?
This is entrapment!

You know,
if this gets out,

all anyone is gonna
remember about the show

is this
lawsuit bullshit.

Oh, and 10 years
of laughter.

All right,
excuse me.

Artie, look I am trying
to be creative here,

and there is something
called artistic license

that I don't think
Brian is comprehending here.

When this show ends,
you want to work again,
don't you?

Somewhere?

Yeah.

You know
who runs this town?

The Jews.

No, the gay Jews.

Hank:
Action.

Hi, Larry.
Bruno Kirby here.

Larry, you're the greatest.

I wish you were doing the show
for the next 10 years.

We're all gonna miss you, buddy.

Um, let's
just do another.

Yeah, yeah, sure.
But what was wrong
with that one?

Well, to me, personally,
it just didn't feel...

Uh, this is constructive,
by the way,

'cause you, you know,
you're great.

Um, it didn't feel...
sincere.

I would just...
I would make it bigger.

Bigger?
Mm-hm.

Like, uh, what, bigger?

Like, uh... like
fucking Kabuki theater
bigger or...?

And... action.

Larry, congratulations.

It's been a great honor--

Cut, cut, cut,
cut, cut. I don't...

What are
you doing?

Well, what the fuck
are you doing?

I'm doing bigger.

You said bigger,
I'm doing bigger.

Let me see if I can
help you. See...

Um... here's the deal.

(sighs dramatically)

Larry is ending
the show,

so you're talking to Larry
and you feel sad.

I don't want to give you
a line reading,

but it's
in this area...

Okay?

So, have you
ever lost, um...

Have you ever
lost somebody close?

Mom, Dad?

I would tap
into some of that.

Hank, let me tell you something
about Bruno Kirby, okay?
Sure.

Bruno Kirby
doesn't do...

sad.

And Bruno Kirby
doesn't take direction

from some talk show sidekick.

Now you got something.
Bring that...

I was in "The Godfather,"
for God's sake.

I don't think so.

I was in... the fuckin'
"Godfather Part II,"

you moron!

Oh, well, see, I only saw
the third one, the good one.

Um, she got mad
at the producer,

and then she threw
her goddess in.

Hey.
Hi.

Hi.

Hi.
I just--
Don't let me interrupt.

I just came in
to get a... shrimp.

We're just going over
what the first story's
gonna be.

Oh.

Yeah, the um...

Well, the first story's
gonna be, I thought,

the one about where
I grew up in Connecticut?
The TV and...

Oh, okay. Okay.

Uh, in Higganum,

which is
next to Haddam...

and then Haddam
is next to Saybrook,

and then
that's next to Deep River.

There was a street nearby
called Beaver Meadow,

uh, uh, and that
was actually right next
to Beaver Hill.

Mary Lou:
Mm-hm.

And, uh, well, Beaver Meadow
wasn't even really a Meadow,

it was a forest,

and, uh, it had some
very strange animal name.

Uh, I can't remember
the name of it.

Hey, uh, I got
a thought.

Cockaponset.

Pardon me?

What?

What was Cockaponset?

The name
of the forest.

Oh...
that's hilarious.

You know, if I may,
and I don't want
to interrupt,

but why don't you say--

You should pause
at Beaver Meadow,

and then
what you do is, uh--

and I'll make some joke
about Beaver Meadow
on the show,

and then
what you can do
is say

something
about Cockaponset,

I'll make some joke
about that.

It'll be hilarious.

Listen to this shit.

"Brian's claiming
pain and suffering

due to a hostile
work environment."

"Hostile work environment,"
fucking idiot.

I have a good
Louis Farrakhan joke.

No, no
Louis Farrakhan jokes.

Why?
Because
Louis Farrakhan is black,

and then Beverly
will sue me

because
Louis Farrakhan is black.
Oh, my God.

No, she won't.

Yeah, she will.

Come on, seriously,
Louis Farrakhan made a speech--

God fuckin' dammit!

Let's put
that a little sooner.
Okay.

And then,
you should tell
the, um, psychic story,

that psychic story.
Oh!

She's got
a hilarious--
Oh, really?

I went to this
Hollywood baby shower,

and there was
a psychic there,

and I told her I was gonna
be doing a movie

with Kevin Costner--

And the psychic said,
"Well, Kevin Costner's
gonna hit on you,"

and I said, "Hey,
I need a psychic for that?"

So I'd just tighten it
up a little bit.

I will,
I will, I will.

Seriously.
Okay.

Oh, shit.

What else?

Thank you so much.

(cheers and applause)
Thank you.

Well, well, well.

What a hot crowd.

I read that the National
Park Service spent $9 million

to build a public
outhouse in Montana.

Did you see that, Hank?

Sounds like a lot of money,
but, honestly,

you should see the chandelier.

Wow, little clear air
turbulence right there.

Every day,
this is so odd to me,

the average American spends
four and a half hours
watching television

and only 17 minutes reading.

How can it take 17 minutes
to read a TV Guide?

Wow.

Larry's monologue
really sucks tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No problem.

Let's see
how the interviews go.

Hitting new levels
of self-loathing, Larry.

Cheers, motherfucker.

They just released a list...

I don't know
if you saw this, Hank,

I don't know
if anyone saw this,

I actually don't know
if anyone is still watching.

Brian...

Don't you think
you're taking this thing
a little too far?

Why does Larry
have to suffer?

Listen to that mess.

I can't
believe you.

I thought
you'd understand
best of all

because you're
a black woman and all.

Well, I was born black.

What?

What does
that mean?

Well, you chose
to be gay.

I what?

You know what?

Maybe you should come
to church with me on Sunday.

No, really.

Maybe that'll
work out your problem.

52 minutes left.

That is the good news.

But we have a great show.

We have Ileana Douglas,
and a lot of surprises.

Don't go by this.

We'll be right back.
No flipping.

No flipping.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, it's Mr. Litigious.
I'll just go,
I guess.

No, no, no.
No, come in.

Come in and sit down.
You can watch.

Shame about
your monologue.

Guess what?

I just put a lawyer
on retainer.

Five fucking grand
for one phone call.

Thank you.

That isn't
why I did it, you know.

It isn't.

Um...

Look... Phil,
maybe I overreacted.

No, no, no, no.
I'm the asshole.

Maybe so,

but...

I wore that outfit
just to provoke you.

You know that I, um...
I just bought it
that morning.

Well, clearly
you were trying
to make a point.

Yeah, but
I went too far.

No, no, no.

I did!
No.

I did!
My problem
is I gotta learn

when to keep
my fuckin' mouth shut.

Yeah.

You want some Jager?

Sure,
I'll have a sip.

You've obviously
had a bit.

We're back.
And before we bring out

my first guest,
Ileana Douglas--

Hank, I see you have something
you want to show the audience?

Yes, I do.

And it's a little film
I put together

over the past
few months

of some
special friends of yours.
Oh, my.

And you deserve it,
my friend.

It's just my way
of showing you

how much I love you
and I respect you,

and I will miss you.
Oh, I'm touched.

(applause)
Good. Okay, roll it.

Hi, Larry.
Bruno Kirby here.

Larry, you're the greatest.

I wish you were doing the show
for the next 10 years.

We're all gonna
miss you, buddy.

(applause)

Hey, how you feeling?

It's a very, very, very,
very, very hot crowd.

Do not go by the monologue,
I'm telling you.

There's a whole group there
from the Special Olympics,

and they are really
gonna be there for you.

They're very nice people.

You can feel it
out there.

There's a certain energy.
You're gonna just be great.

So we're
gonna do the--

We start
with the psychic thing?

Do we still have
that all in?

And then at the Beaver Meadow,
don't forget to pause...

I won't.
...at Beaver Meadow.

I won't.

Okay, and then you'll go
right into the cannon thing?

Right.
And the psychic?

So we do the psychic...

I got it, I got it.

Psychic,
Beaver Meadow, cannon.

Okay, so, good.
Psychic, Beaver Meadow, cannon.

I can't tell you,

just... have fun.

Go out there
and have fun.

Okay.
You look great.

Thank you.

I'm gonna be...
fine.

Ed Begley here.

Larry, we are really
gonna miss you.

You're a funny man
and a great environmentalist,

which explains why you're
always recycling jokes.

Anyway, it's been
a great 10 years,
and we love you, Larry.

(applause)

That was-- that was--
that was so touching.

Thank you.

You didn't even see it.

Yes, I did.
I loved it.

I just
absolutely loved it.

You got up
and you walked away.

No, I didn't.

My first guest tonight
is a terrific actress.

I'm a gigantic fan.

You probably know her
from many of her movies,

including "To Die For"
and "Cape Fear,"

which by the way,
"Cape Fear" is the nickname

for me in the bedroom.

It's a superhero I play.

I come out in a cape
and have fear

written all over

one specific part...

(Hank laughing)
...of my body.

Please welcome Ileana Douglas.

Yeah!
(cheers and applause)

You look fantastic
to begin with.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Absolutely fantastic.

You've been doing--
you do a lot of movies.

Now tell me about--

You worked
with Kevin Costner recently,

and something
about a...

I haven't worked
with him yet.
I see.

I was at this
Hollywood baby shower...

Yes. Uh-huh.
...and there was
a psychic there,

and I told him
I was gonna be doing a movie
with Kevin Costner...

Right.
...and the psychic
said to me,

"Kevin Costner's
gonna hit on you."

And so I said to him,

"Well, I don't think I need
a psychic to tell me that."

(laughter)

(applause, cheers)

That is funny.

Those jokes
really hurt you.

Yeah.

Yeah, they really,
really hurt, Phil.

They're just
jokes to you,

but to me
they're not, okay?

Every time you say
something like that to me,

you become every bully
that I ever knew.

I know I'm
thin-skinned,
I know it.

I know that I have
to toughen up,
but... please.

I know.

You know?

Yeah, I know.

I mean, you're not
the only one in pain.

I mean, try working
for an asshole

who throws out 95 percent
of your jokes, you know,
every day.

You know,
you just put yourself

on the chopping block
every fucking time,

and you gotta be funny,
funny, funny, funny,

all the time,
and it's, you know...

And just, I never realized
the kind of pressure
that I was under.

And the fact remains

that I'm gonna be
out of a job in three weeks,

and I'm gonna be blackballed
by the gay Jews.

I am so sorry.

(Phil sobbing)

It's all right.
It's all right.

We're so fucked up, eh?

You all right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We had this street there
called, uh, Beaver Hill.

Ah. Was there an all-girls
school there, by any chance?

Actually, it was right near
Beaver Meadow.

How did it get the name
Beaver Meadow, if I may ask?

I don't know.

It had nothing to do with me,
I can tell you that.

(laughter)

(applause)

I cannot tell you
how good you did tonight.

Um...

I feel very awkward
about something.

Oh, you shouldn't,
you were so fantastic.

Really, everything you did
was totally right.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay...

I, um...

I like you a lot,

and... I get the feeling

that if I wasn't
a good guest tonight,

that you wouldn't
like me anymore.

That is not true.

Really?

You spent more time

working on my stupid
10-minute little spot

than you have
on our whole relationship.

And you know
what I think?

I think it's...
more important to you

whether or not
I'm a good guest
on your show.

You know...

I'm a fuckin' talk show
host, okay?

I'm all fucked up.

But it's over
in a couple weeks, so...

you know...

You just gotta
give me a chance.

Please? I'm sorry.

It was important.

But you don't
have to do it again.

Well, why?

Didn't you think
I was any good?

I thought
you were...

really good,
really good.

I paused at
the Beaver Meadow thing...

The Beaver Meadow
thing killed.
...like you told me.

And then I-- I
did the cannon joke.

You couldn't
have been any better.

The cannon joke,
did you hear the audience?
Yeah.

Wait till
you see the tape.

I know it was your joke,
but I thought I did it--

If I may say, I killed
on the pastry thing, didn't I?

You think--
Was I all right?

I thought
you were great.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe he can't handle
the emotion of the tape.

Just fuck
these tapes.

You gotta talk
to your boy, Brian,

and get him
to stop this lawsuit.

What...
What lawsuit?

He's charging Phil
with sexual harassment,
for God's sake.

(laughs)

Looks like they settled
out of court.

Oh, by the way,
Drew Barrymore's
lawyer just called me.

What's that about?

(theme music playing)