All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S06E09_English

We've watched many
of your movies, including--

We go from "Showgirls"
to "Bound."

"Bound" that is--
Um, you seem to play
Hank: "Bound."

a lot of female--
if I may say--

uh, female/female
relationships.

"Bound," yeah, she was--
Jennifer was nice.

It was a nice--

I get the, you know, car,
I get the girl.

Yeah, I've never seen
the end of it.

Uh...
(laughter)

But, uh...

Well, you should watch it.
It's good.
I...

I know you're probably
like most guys.

They kind of get stuck
on our, uh, lesbian scenes.

"Lesbian"?

It's two-- it--
it's two girls.

I didn't know
they were lesbians.

Is there some message there
I didn't pick up?
Oh, yeah.

No, I'm--
I'm reading into it. I'm--

Oh, my goodness.
It's not you.
It must be me.

I'll have to watch it
again knowing that.
Yeah!

Well, you know,
you are delightful.

Maybe we should finish
these questions here

at, uh, at dinner
and just wrap this thing up

get rid of Hank
and the audience and just, uh,
Oh, yeah.

and just discuss the rest
of these on our own.
That'd be...

that'd be swell.
We'll come right back.

Let's take a break.
No flipping.

We'll be right back.
(applause)

We're clear!

Yeah, yeah.
You were funny.

The dinner thing,
that was-- that was--
Well--

That was pretty funny,
wasn't it?
Yeah. I laughed so hard.

That was me
at my funniest.
It was good.

But I was serious
about the dinner.

Really?
Yes. I mean--

No, you were serious about
having dinner with me?
Yes, because if I can't finish

the interview,
I get very frustrated.

(laughs)
I do.

Oh, so it's a professional
dinner thing.

Well, it could be.
Here are the questions
I would ask you.

Take a look at those.

Jeff Goldblum.

You're gonna ask me
about Jeff.
That's the promo card.

Oh. Are-- He's gonna be
on the show?

He's going to be
on the show tomorrow.
Oh, wow.

Yeah.
Tell him I say hi.

Great job with
the Gina Gershon questions.

Thank you.

Yeah, she was
funny and hot.

Good.

So was Larry.

But you kind of crapped out
with the comic, didn't you?

I thought Dana Gould
was very funny.

Well, maybe on "Conan."

The audience was laughing.

Larry wasn't.

Did you notice
this expression?

Yeah, what was that?

That's Larry
for "I hate this guy."

It's so hard to tell
what Larry likes.

Larry likes
Gina Gershon.

What are we doing tonight?

I am doing stand-up at Largo,
but I'll be done by 9:00.

I'll go with you.

You totally don't have to
go with me.

Please don't feel
like you have to.

It's just a spot.

I have nothing
else to do.

(chuckles)
That's so sad.

That will be good
because afterwards,
we can go to my house

and see a little tape
I like to call

"Jerry Springer: Too Hot For TV!
Totally Uncensored."

Hey, last time
I saw you do stand-up

was at that place
in Pasadena,

and that prop comic
cut his own finger off.

Oh, yeah,
he'll be there tonight.

Does he do that
every time?
No.

Uh, hi.

Hi.
Um, have you ever
had a "collonoscopy"?

What?
"Collonoscopy."

Colonoscopy.
Oh, thanks, Phil.

Uh... colonoscopy.
Have you ever had one?

Hm? Uh, the thing is, you see,

my doctor's sending me
to a specialist,

and w-- well,
what it is,

it's a little camera and they--
they stick it up your ass

and it looks around
for, you know-- you know.

You-- you-- you never had one?
I think I would remember.

Well, I'm going in tomorrow.

I just want to know
if it hurts.
It does.

So you've had one?

Not officially.

You were so funny.
I was really laughing.

Thank you.
Your act is
so different, you know?

You're better than
half the comics we have on.

Really?

Yeah, remember last week,
that guy who his whole act

was his pants up to here
and then he'd talk
like his dad?

You think I'm ready?
For what?

To do the show.

Our show?

That's the one we're
talking about, right?

What are you doing?

I'm trying to picture
you on the show.

Why you do this?

What?

You brought this up!

I mean, now I feel like
an asshole now.

I mean, w--

Do you not think
I'm ready

and you were just
trying to be nice or?
No.

Yes, I'm--

I don't know if Larry
would think you're funny.

(sighs)

So, how's your ass?

Oh, this
"collonoscopy" doctor--
Colonoscopy.

Hm?
Colon.

This colonoscopy doctor,
s-- she's gorgeous.

You should've seen her
in her white coat.

I wanted to give her a little
tongue-depressor action.

Hey now. Mm.

So you're gonna go
for another appointment?

No, I don't think so.

Looking up the ass
was a one-time thing.

(whispers)
But I'm thinking
of asking her out.

Hank, how do you ask
somebody out who--

who's seen the inside
of your ass?

I think she has
a thing for me.

How could you tell?

Weren't you facing
the other way?

Well, granted,
I was sedated at the time,

but there was
a vibe in that room.

You know, it usually
takes several years

to get to that
level of intimacy.

I bonded with a man
completely non-sexually
the other day.

I-- It was just
so important.

You know, I was--
(toilet flushing)

I was walking out,

and he was going to pee
on the side of my building,

but nothing
was coming out.

So, I went behind him
and I went, "Sss..."

Okay.
No good?

No, I-- I think it might make
Larry uncomfortable.

Oh, Beverly,
Excuse me.

can you listen
to some of Wendy's jokes

and tell me if Larry
will think they're funny?

Sure.
Please don't do this to me.

Oh, come on,
it'll be fun.

Go ahead.
Okay.

Um...
Ladies and gentlemen,
Wendy Traston!

(clapping)
Probably my most attractive
feature is my neck.

I have a really
long neck.

My neck is
four inches long, flaccid.

Yeah, yeah,

I-- I think Larry
might like that.

But you didn't laugh.

Well, that's because I like,
you know, Bill Cosby.

You know, he does this routine
about going to the dentist,

you know,
but he can't talk because...

(mumbles)
his mouth is so numb.

(laughs)
It's really funny.

I mean, Larry,
he likes that.

You acted like you didn't even
want me to do good.

It's not my fault
she didn't laugh.

I'm in a fucking
bathroom, Mary!

I'm just
doing my job.

Fine, why don't
we start from the top

by the fucking
tampon dispenser?

I think, uh, this is a funnier
area of the bathroom.

I think I can really
kill here, yeah.

Hey, how you doing, folks?
Great to be here!

By the tampon dispenser!

Thank you.

Oh, that tickles
in a way.
Makeup?

Jeff! Hey!
Tickling, is she tickling you?

With that brush.
I'd be very careful.
(laughs)

Look, look.
I heard you're doing
a piano number.

Oh, yeah,
uh, if you like.

I would honestly,
uh, recommend.

Oh, then I will.

The, uh, last night's show,
Gina Gershon--

you two got along very well,
was she okay?
Um...

she was great.

We had a wonderful-- You know,
did you see the bird lady?

Did you see the parrots?
They were great.

Couldn't have been better.
They-- they were--
they were all great,

but it looked like you
and she had like chemistry
of some kind. She was--

Well, you know, a lot of that
is that, uh, talk show stuff.

I watch all the time,
and something happened
between you--

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, listen.
You've got much on your mind.

Just, you know, I have
so many things on my mind.

One of which is I have to
go now and get--

uh, head up to
another makeup room,
(chuckles)

and I haven't--
you know, I have to
get dressed for the show.

You look lovely.
No, these are pajamas.

Ohh...

Mary, this is ruining
our friendship.

I know.

(sighs)
So let's just pretend

like we never thought
about me being on the show.

Okay, that's
a great idea.

Really?

You think that's
a great idea?

Great.

Okay, ladies,
I got our tickets

to see the L.A. Sparks.

Floor seats,
next to the Rosie O'Donnell.

Okay, who's driving?

I'm wiped.
I'm going home.
But--

Me too.
I am wiped too.

Hey, Phil, do you like
women's basketball?

I don't know.
What do they wear?

♪ ♪

(applause)

Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.

All those years as
Liberace's protege paid off.

Jeff Goldblum.
We'll be right back.

(playing piano)

Oh, my god,
that was fantastic.
Oh, thank you.

That was fantastic.
You're unbelievable.

People would
have no idea.

They see you
with the mechanical dinosaurs.

They don't know that
you've got this.

Listen, uh, we were talking
earlier in the makeup room.

I meant to you
tell you, you know,

I asked out Gina, uh, Gershon
when she did the show,

so I didn't, uh--
Really?

Yeah, we're gonna
actually have, uh, dinner
like, uh, tomorrow.

So, I didn't know if that was
a-- a problem for you or not,

because I noticed
that you--

Why would that
be a problem? No, no--
Well, because I know

you went out
with her, and I don't quite
understand the, uh...

the circumstances,
so if that bothers you,
you should tell me,

because I would not do anything
I'll tell you
all about it. No, no.

that would upset
our friendship, you know.

That's so sweet.
Thank you.

I-- I feel the same way.
You're welcome.

So, does it
bother you or?

Um...

trust your instincts.

You know,
the thing is-- is, uh,

I mentioned to him
that we were having dinner,

and he was
a little upset.

Why?

Well, I don't know.

But, you know, he's one
of my best friends,

so I really
don't know what to...

He was upset that
we were having dinner?
Right.

I think so.

Well, I think
that's ridiculous.

He really has no right
to be upset about this.

Honestly.
Well--

I mean--
Nevertheless,
I'm awkward with it, so...

Why don't we all
just get together?

Get together
and talk about it?
Yeah.

I mean, if it would make
you feel better.

I mean, I-- I like you.
I, you know--

I like you too.
I would--

If we had another dinner,
I think it would be nice,

but I don't want
you to feel uncomfortable.

But I-- I really feel
like there's no need
to feel uncomfortable.

No, you're right.

What about Richard Lewis?
Montreal Comedy Festival.

Louie Anderson?

Montreal.

As long as I've been living,
the French have been fucking us.

Is there-- What comic
isn't in Montreal?

Alan King.

Oh, he'd be great,

but I had a thing
with one of his exes.

Hm.
(stammers)
What-- what about Wendy?

Wendy who?

Uh, you know, Wendy,
who works on the show.

Oh, that's a good idea!
Wendy, our talented writer.

Yeah.
Hey-- hey, Mary Lou,

didn't you go to see her
at the club the other night?
Yes.

Well, what
do you think?
Is she ready?

I'm not sure.

Well, you saw
her act, didn't you?

Yeah, I just don't know
if Larry would like her.

Artie:
Why not?

I'm the only one
that saw her.

Well, I've got a good
instinct about this.

Larry likes her material.
Don't you?

Yeah, she's funny.

Hey, let's give
Wendy a shot.

What the hell?
She's family.

Anyway, we're off the air
in two fucking weeks.

Mary!
Come here!

Thank you so much!
Thank you!

You fucking rule!
You fucking rule!

You're on after
Terry Bradshaw and Hanson.
This is fucking amazing.

Thank you so much.
I don't know what to say.
Don't worry about it.

It's-- It wasn't that big
of a deal.

It's the biggest deal!
Don't overreact.

That's better.

And, uh, this is backstage.
But this is the, uh--
Wow.

this is the craft service table.

Uh-huh.
You want anything?

Um, no thanks.
Come on now.

No. Tempting.

Uh, and, uh, this is--

well, this is--
this is the backstage.

This is called a cyc.
A cyc.

Uh, and this is, of course,
the-- um, was a curtain.
A curtain.

Oh, I can't wait
for Larry to-- to meet you.

Oh, he's gonna
love you.

Hank, you know,
I've actually been
to the show before,

never backstage.

You've been backstage.

(chuckles)
You know what I mean.

(chuckles)

This is, uh, Phil.

Phil's our
head writer.

This is Dr. Monica Gordon.

Hello.
Oh, hey.

Hey.
Hey, nice to meet you.

I've heard a lot
about you.
Oh, yes?

Yeah.
What have you heard?

Well, that you're
very good at your job.

Uh-huh.

Hey-- hey, um,
seriously, and l-- listen,

I don't mean
to pry or anything,

but how can you
date Hank after seeing,

you know, inside?

(sighs)
Because I once
saw him in a speedo,

and, uh, I couldn't eat
for a week.

(laughs dryly)
Okay, "Showtime
at the Apollo" is over.

Let's say goodnight
to Slappy White.

Good night, Slappy.
Good night.

Oh, he's so high
on drugs right now.
Oh-- oh, yeah?

I gave the first
Super Bowl ring to my dad,

Super Bowl IX
against the Vikings.
Mm-hmm.

Super Bowl X, I gave
to my older brother, Gary.
Mm-hmm.

He lost it.
Is that true?

That's true.

Hank: What?
Terry:
Super Bowl XIII,

I gave that one to
my youngest brother, Craig,

who was playing
for the Houston Oilers
at the time.

Mm-hmm.
Well, he didn't want that,
so he gave it back.

Super Bowl XIV,
I kept for myself.

So I have XIII and XIV,

Gary lost X,

and then two years ago,
I had X remade

and I gave it to him
as a Christmas gift,

so now everybody
has a ring.

I got two,
they got two.
Okay.

That's-- That--
that is great.
(applause)

Thank you.
Thank you.

Are you a Pittsburgh fan,
football fan?
Hank: Sure. Very.

Really?
That team was, uh--

Yeah.
That-- that was legendary.

What number was, uh--
what number was Terry?
This gentleman...

Three.
(laughter)

Hank? Hank, higher.

Higher.
11?

No, no.
Not 11.

Hank, Hank, higher.
What?

12?
12.

(laughter)

Why don't we take a break?

And we'll come,
uh, right back

and, uh, watch Hank guess, uh,
the entire current NFL roster

and their numbers
and weights?

We'll be right back.
No flipping.

You're fantastic.

(jazz music playing)

Are you waving
to your relative?

No, that's my doctor.

Your doctor?
Yeah.

Yeah, she just-- she gave me
my first colonoscopy.

Wow, that first time.
(grunts)

Hm. Really?

Really. You know, I've sent
her a lot of customers.

I sent her, uh--
I sent her Bob Costas,

I sent her,
uh, Brent Musburger.

John Madden drove
all the way across
the country just to see her.

Howie Long. Howie--
Howie goes once a week.

Psh. All of them satisfied.

Satisfied, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, she gives
great scope, you know?

Artie, I'm so nervous.

Why? Why, sweetie?
It's gonna be great.

I'm so excited.
Got a hot crowd out there.

You're a very talented
young woman.

Thank you. If I suck,
don't blame Mary Lou.

Why would
I do that?

I know she had
to push for me, you know?

(sighs)

When you
walk out there,

don't forget
to stand on the star.

You mean, Larry?
Oh, ha!

You see?
You're gonna kill.

Okay.

(applause)

Larry:
Welcome back.

It is always, as I think
you would agree,

a, uh, delight to welcome
new talent to the show,

and tonight we have
one of the writers

from "The Larry Sanders Show."

This is her first
appearance here,

her first appearance
on network television,

so please give her
a warm welcome.

Wendy Traston!
Wendy Traston!

(applause)

Thanks.

Thank you, Larry.

So I'm sitting at home
this morning,

uh, watching porn,

as I'm one to do
from time to time,

and, uh, it's a series
of vignettes,

this particular porn movie,
uh, starring Ron Jeremy.

And in this--
(laughter)

Thank you.

And, uh, in this
first vignette,

Ron Jeremy
is masturbating,

uh, and he's got
his pinky out,

and I found out
why he does that.

I-- I found out
why he masturbates
with his pinky out.

It's because
he's classy.

(laughter)

(applause)

I have a very long neck.

That's probably my most
attractive feature.

My neck is
four inches long,
flaccid.

(laughter)

(applause)

I was a baby once,
you know?

And, uh, look, I understand
that the doctor had to spank me

when I was born,
you know?

But, uh, I don't see why
he had to call me a whore.

(laughter)

(applause)

(laughs)

So, uh, I'm licking jelly
off of my boyfriend, right?

(laughter)

And all of a sudden
I'm thinking,

"Oh, my god,
I'm turning into my mother."

(laughter)

(applause)

If I leave you with anything,
I hope it's not humor,

but, um, some sort
of message, you know?

I'm currently in
the process of suing my boss

for sexual harassment.

(sighs)

Yeah, and I don't mean to pat
myself on the back about it,

but it's something that, uh--

it's something that it takes
a lot of guts to do.

You know, uh, especially
'cause he didn't do anything.

(laughter)

Thank you very much.

(applause)

Wendy Traston.
We'll be right back.

Wendy Traston.

(both laughing and cheering)

It felt so good, you know?
You killed.

Wendy, you were incredible.
You were so good!
Thank you. Thank you, Beverly.

Did you tell her
about Larry?
No.

She tell you about Larry?
No. What?

He was laughing.
I mean, he was
laughing for real.

You were really great.
I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Beverly.

You completely made
this happen for me.

I didn't make it happen.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

When Artie asked me
if you were ready,

I told him,
"I don't know."

I was afraid.

Well, if it ain't
the two best friends.

Congratulations, sweetie.
That was terrific.
Thank you, Artie.

In this business,
shows come and go

and friendships, well,
uh, they come and go too.

But as long as you kill,
everybody's happy.

Wendy, there's a bottle of
iced Cordon Rouge on your desk.

Why don't you two gals go
and get pie-eyed?

Sweet.
Or shit-faced.
Whatever you want to call it.

Want to go?

Let's get fucked up.

Super fucked up.
(both giggle)

(theme music playing)

Hey, where's Dr. Bottom?

Aren't you two gonna
paint the town brown?

I don't think so.

I mean, I don't mind her
looking up my ass,

but John Madden?
That's where I--
I draw the line.

He probably thought of it
as a fucking tailgate party.

Oh, heads up, here comes
the ass queen now.

Hi. Great show.
Hey. Thanks.

So, uh, where do you want
to go for dinner?

Look, I'm-- I think I'm gonna
take a rain check on it.

I'm coming down
with something.

I'm gonna get
your parking validated.

I mean, she's one
of my best friends
Mm-hmm.

and I really
liked her boyfriend.

It didn't work out
with him.

Um, I'm sorry,
can you just

get that really hard there?
Do you mind?

Is that okay?

And I really--

This is-- I just have a--
It's hurting me there.

But anyway, I really--
It just didn't work out,

so we went out,
and it was no big deal.

Right.
Yeah, that's good. You could
do it a little bit harder.

Just hard and direct.
Yeah, yeah.

Maybe harder. I think
she wants it harder.

Yeah.
A little harder.

No, but seriously, honestly,
I think you guys are-- are--

You're, uh--
you're getting
kind of weird.

You're getting too possessive
about this whole thing.

I don't think
I'm possessive.
Jeff: What?

I know I'm not
possessive.
Are you?

I'm certainly
not possessive.
I'm not. No.

Which girlfriend are you
talking about? Your best friend?
Marsha.

Marsha.
You know Marsha?

Yes, oh, Marsha, Marsha.
You must remember Marsha.

Oh, the, uh,
the casting director
Marsha!

with the, uh, thing.
Remember the--

the one
at the barbecue?

Remember the barbecue?

Oh, oh!
Yeah!

What's the barbecue?
Oh, I should've
told that story.

Uh, let me-- let me--
Yeah. That would be

She's got the--
We're at the barbecue,
funny for your show.

she's got the lighter fluid--
I-- I-- I'm going, darling.
It's okay.

She's got the, uh,
lighter fluid, all of a sudden,
Right.

a force 10 gale comes up
for some reason,
Mm-hmm.

and, um,
I've never seen a hibachi

just flare up
like that, strangely.
(mimics fire flaring)

It was like...
I-- one second,
I've got eyebrows.

The next second--
They are so,
I mean, completely gone.

Every time I take
a bite out of the chicken,

I thought
it was your eyebrow.
I couldn't even eat it.

Look at t--
They're still not
totally grown back.

No, they have.
I'm just kidding.
Uh, thank you.

Oh, they're perfect.
They don't look like
they've been singed at all.

No-- Oh, that's good.
It never crossed my mind.

Oh, she's so angry.
Is that what that means,
the wiggling of the toes?

Yeah, no, it means harder,
because-- you don't understand,

it's like you're going down
a little bit more but--

Wait, that part.

Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, that's it.

Oh, god.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really good.

Yes, oh, god,
yes, yes, oh.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, my god. Oh.
Ooh.

I have to go
to the bathroom.
Jeff: Oh.

That was good.

Really? I got the, uh...
Yeah, yeah,
that was great.

Thank you.

I'll be right back.

Um, is this--
Larry?

Yeah, right over
that way.
Oh, okay. Great. Thanks.

(door shuts)
This girl really likes you.

I'm telling you,
this is completely--
She likes you. She likes you.

You should be
going out with her again,

because I think
she likes you.
No.

She likes you.
I think she likes you.

But I, uh--
I can tell
from the way she was--

She had an orgasm, practically,

when you were
massaging her foot.

Did you think so?

As close as I've seen.

Really?

She's-- She was all over you.
No.

She totally--

Larry.
She totally wants
to be with--

But-- Okay, maybe--
maybe she does.
Do you--

Maybe she does,
but I don't.

Okay, if I went out
with her, would that--
would that bother you?

The whole thing is
making you so heavy.
Would it bother you?

I don't-- I don't--
Because if-- 'Cause I wouldn't
do anything if it-- if it would.

I wouldn't do anything to--
to undermine our friendship.

Really?
Yeah, really.

I trust your instincts.

It's fine.
Did I mention,
uh, Jimmy Coburn?

Yes, you did.
Isn't that Illeana Douglas?
She's hot.

Hi, Illeana.
How are you?
Hi.

I'm good, I'm good.
Oh, my god.
You know Artie. Uh...

Hi.
Hi. I worked
with your grandfather.

Well, listen,
you look fantastic.
What a dear guy.

Thank you.
You look beautiful.

So do you.
How are you?

I'm good.
You know, I saw the show

you did with,
uh, Jeff Goldblum.
Right.

You were really funny.
Really?

Thanks.
I used to go out with Jeff.

Really?
Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it didn't work out--
two actors.

But he's a really nice guy,
don't you think?

I don't really know him.

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