Original subtitles

We've watched many of your movies, including--

We go from "Showgirls" to "Bound."

"Bound" that is-- Um, you seem to play Hank: "Bound."

a lot of female-- if I may say--

uh, female/female relationships.

"Bound," yeah, she was-- Jennifer was nice.

It was a nice--

I get the, you know, car, I get the girl.

Yeah, I've never seen the end of it.

Uh... (laughter)

But, uh...

Well, you should watch it. It's good. I...

I know you're probably like most guys.

They kind of get stuck on our, uh, lesbian scenes.

"Lesbian"?

It's two-- it-- it's two girls.

I didn't know they were lesbians.

Is there some message there I didn't pick up? Oh, yeah.

No, I'm-- I'm reading into it. I'm--

Oh, my goodness. It's not you. It must be me.

I'll have to watch it again knowing that. Yeah!

Well, you know, you are delightful.

Maybe we should finish these questions here

at, uh, at dinner and just wrap this thing up

get rid of Hank and the audience and just, uh, Oh, yeah.

and just discuss the rest of these on our own. That'd be...

that'd be swell. We'll come right back.

Let's take a break. No flipping.

We'll be right back. (applause)

We're clear!

Yeah, yeah. You were funny.

The dinner thing, that was-- that was-- Well--

That was pretty funny, wasn't it? Yeah. I laughed so hard.

That was me at my funniest. It was good.

But I was serious about the dinner.

Really? Yes. I mean--

No, you were serious about having dinner with me? Yes, because if I can't finish

the interview, I get very frustrated.

(laughs) I do.

Oh, so it's a professional dinner thing.

Well, it could be. Here are the questions I would ask you.

Take a look at those.

Jeff Goldblum.

You're gonna ask me about Jeff. That's the promo card.

Oh. Are-- He's gonna be on the show?

He's going to be on the show tomorrow. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Tell him I say hi.

Great job with the Gina Gershon questions.

Thank you.

Yeah, she was funny and hot.

Good.

So was Larry.

But you kind of crapped out with the comic, didn't you?

I thought Dana Gould was very funny.

Well, maybe on "Conan."

The audience was laughing.

Larry wasn't.

Did you notice this expression?

Yeah, what was that?

That's Larry for "I hate this guy."

It's so hard to tell what Larry likes.

Larry likes Gina Gershon.

What are we doing tonight?

I am doing stand-up at Largo, but I'll be done by 9:00.

I'll go with you.

You totally don't have to go with me.

Please don't feel like you have to.

It's just a spot.

I have nothing else to do.

(chuckles) That's so sad.

That will be good because afterwards, we can go to my house

and see a little tape I like to call

"Jerry Springer: Too Hot For TV! Totally Uncensored."

Hey, last time I saw you do stand-up

was at that place in Pasadena,

and that prop comic cut his own finger off.

Oh, yeah, he'll be there tonight.

Does he do that every time? No.

Uh, hi.

Hi. Um, have you ever had a "collonoscopy"?

What? "Collonoscopy."

Colonoscopy. Oh, thanks, Phil.

Uh... colonoscopy. Have you ever had one?

Hm? Uh, the thing is, you see,

my doctor's sending me to a specialist,

and w-- well, what it is,

it's a little camera and they-- they stick it up your ass

and it looks around for, you know-- you know.

You-- you-- you never had one? I think I would remember.

Well, I'm going in tomorrow.

I just want to know if it hurts. It does.

So you've had one?

Not officially.

You were so funny. I was really laughing.

Thank you. Your act is so different, you know?

You're better than half the comics we have on.

Really?

Yeah, remember last week, that guy who his whole act

was his pants up to here and then he'd talk like his dad?

You think I'm ready? For what?

To do the show.

Our show?

That's the one we're talking about, right?

What are you doing?

I'm trying to picture you on the show.

Why you do this?

What?

You brought this up!

I mean, now I feel like an asshole now.

I mean, w--

Do you not think I'm ready

and you were just trying to be nice or? No.

Yes, I'm--

I don't know if Larry would think you're funny.

(sighs)

So, how's your ass?

Oh, this "collonoscopy" doctor-- Colonoscopy.

Hm? Colon.

This colonoscopy doctor, s-- she's gorgeous.

You should've seen her in her white coat.

I wanted to give her a little tongue-depressor action.

Hey now. Mm.

So you're gonna go for another appointment?

No, I don't think so.

Looking up the ass was a one-time thing.

(whispers) But I'm thinking of asking her out.

Hank, how do you ask somebody out who--

who's seen the inside of your ass?

I think she has a thing for me.

How could you tell?

Weren't you facing the other way?

Well, granted, I was sedated at the time,

but there was a vibe in that room.

You know, it usually takes several years

to get to that level of intimacy.

I bonded with a man completely non-sexually the other day.

I-- It was just so important.

You know, I was-- (toilet flushing)

I was walking out,

and he was going to pee on the side of my building,

but nothing was coming out.

So, I went behind him and I went, "Sss..."

Okay. No good?

No, I-- I think it might make Larry uncomfortable.

Oh, Beverly, Excuse me.

can you listen to some of Wendy's jokes

and tell me if Larry will think they're funny?

Sure. Please don't do this to me.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

Go ahead. Okay.

Um... Ladies and gentlemen, Wendy Traston!

(clapping) Probably my most attractive feature is my neck.

I have a really long neck.

My neck is four inches long, flaccid.

Yeah, yeah,

I-- I think Larry might like that.

But you didn't laugh.

Well, that's because I like, you know, Bill Cosby.

You know, he does this routine about going to the dentist,

you know, but he can't talk because...

(mumbles) his mouth is so numb.

(laughs) It's really funny.

I mean, Larry, he likes that.

You acted like you didn't even want me to do good.

It's not my fault she didn't laugh.

I'm in a fucking bathroom, Mary!

I'm just doing my job.

Fine, why don't we start from the top

by the fucking tampon dispenser?

I think, uh, this is a funnier area of the bathroom.

I think I can really kill here, yeah.

Hey, how you doing, folks? Great to be here!

By the tampon dispenser!

Thank you.

Oh, that tickles in a way. Makeup?

Jeff! Hey! Tickling, is she tickling you?

With that brush. I'd be very careful. (laughs)

Look, look. I heard you're doing a piano number.

Oh, yeah, uh, if you like.

I would honestly, uh, recommend.

Oh, then I will.

The, uh, last night's show, Gina Gershon--

you two got along very well, was she okay? Um...

she was great.

We had a wonderful-- You know, did you see the bird lady?

Did you see the parrots? They were great.

Couldn't have been better. They-- they were-- they were all great,

but it looked like you and she had like chemistry of some kind. She was--

Well, you know, a lot of that is that, uh, talk show stuff.

I watch all the time, and something happened between you--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, listen. You've got much on your mind.

Just, you know, I have so many things on my mind.

One of which is I have to go now and get--

uh, head up to another makeup room, (chuckles)

and I haven't-- you know, I have to get dressed for the show.

You look lovely. No, these are pajamas.

Ohh...

Mary, this is ruining our friendship.

I know.

(sighs) So let's just pretend

like we never thought about me being on the show.

Okay, that's a great idea.

Really?

You think that's a great idea?

Great.

Okay, ladies, I got our tickets

to see the L.A. Sparks.

Floor seats, next to the Rosie O'Donnell.

Okay, who's driving?

I'm wiped. I'm going home. But--

Me too. I am wiped too.

Hey, Phil, do you like women's basketball?

I don't know. What do they wear?

♪ ♪

(applause)

Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum. We'll be right back. No flipping.

All those years as Liberace's protege paid off.

Jeff Goldblum. We'll be right back.

(playing piano)

Oh, my god, that was fantastic. Oh, thank you.

That was fantastic. You're unbelievable.

People would have no idea.

They see you with the mechanical dinosaurs.

They don't know that you've got this.

Listen, uh, we were talking earlier in the makeup room.

I meant to you tell you, you know,

I asked out Gina, uh, Gershon when she did the show,

so I didn't, uh-- Really?

Yeah, we're gonna actually have, uh, dinner like, uh, tomorrow.

So, I didn't know if that was a-- a problem for you or not,

because I noticed that you--

Why would that be a problem? No, no-- Well, because I know

you went out with her, and I don't quite understand the, uh...

the circumstances, so if that bothers you, you should tell me,

because I would not do anything I'll tell you all about it. No, no.

that would upset our friendship, you know.

That's so sweet. Thank you.

I-- I feel the same way. You're welcome.

So, does it bother you or?

Um...

trust your instincts.

You know, the thing is-- is, uh,

I mentioned to him that we were having dinner,

and he was a little upset.

Why?

Well, I don't know.

But, you know, he's one of my best friends,

so I really don't know what to...

He was upset that we were having dinner? Right.

I think so.

Well, I think that's ridiculous.

He really has no right to be upset about this.

Honestly. Well--

I mean-- Nevertheless, I'm awkward with it, so...

Why don't we all just get together?

Get together and talk about it? Yeah.

I mean, if it would make you feel better.

I mean, I-- I like you. I, you know--

I like you too. I would--

If we had another dinner, I think it would be nice,

but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.

But I-- I really feel like there's no need to feel uncomfortable.

No, you're right.

What about Richard Lewis? Montreal Comedy Festival.

Louie Anderson?

Montreal.

As long as I've been living, the French have been fucking us.

Is there-- What comic isn't in Montreal?

Alan King.

Oh, he'd be great,

but I had a thing with one of his exes.

Hm. (stammers) What-- what about Wendy?

Wendy who?

Uh, you know, Wendy, who works on the show.

Oh, that's a good idea! Wendy, our talented writer.

Yeah. Hey-- hey, Mary Lou,

didn't you go to see her at the club the other night? Yes.

Well, what do you think? Is she ready?

I'm not sure.

Well, you saw her act, didn't you?

Yeah, I just don't know if Larry would like her.

Artie: Why not?

I'm the only one that saw her.

Well, I've got a good instinct about this.

Larry likes her material. Don't you?

Yeah, she's funny.

Hey, let's give Wendy a shot.

What the hell? She's family.

Anyway, we're off the air in two fucking weeks.

Mary! Come here!

Thank you so much! Thank you!

You fucking rule! You fucking rule!

You're on after Terry Bradshaw and Hanson. This is fucking amazing.

Thank you so much. I don't know what to say. Don't worry about it.

It's-- It wasn't that big of a deal.

It's the biggest deal! Don't overreact.

That's better.

And, uh, this is backstage. But this is the, uh-- Wow.

this is the craft service table.

Uh-huh. You want anything?

Um, no thanks. Come on now.

No. Tempting.

Uh, and, uh, this is--

well, this is-- this is the backstage.

This is called a cyc. A cyc.

Uh, and this is, of course, the-- um, was a curtain. A curtain.

Oh, I can't wait for Larry to-- to meet you.

Oh, he's gonna love you.

Hank, you know, I've actually been to the show before,

never backstage.

You've been backstage.

(chuckles) You know what I mean.

(chuckles)

This is, uh, Phil.

Phil's our head writer.

This is Dr. Monica Gordon.

Hello. Oh, hey.

Hey. Hey, nice to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you. Oh, yes?

Yeah. What have you heard?

Well, that you're very good at your job.

Uh-huh.

Hey-- hey, um, seriously, and l-- listen,

I don't mean to pry or anything,

but how can you date Hank after seeing,

you know, inside?

(sighs) Because I once saw him in a speedo,

and, uh, I couldn't eat for a week.

(laughs dryly) Okay, "Showtime at the Apollo" is over.

Let's say goodnight to Slappy White.

Good night, Slappy. Good night.

Oh, he's so high on drugs right now. Oh-- oh, yeah?

I gave the first Super Bowl ring to my dad,

Super Bowl IX against the Vikings. Mm-hmm.

Super Bowl X, I gave to my older brother, Gary. Mm-hmm.

He lost it. Is that true?

That's true.

Hank: What? Terry: Super Bowl XIII,

I gave that one to my youngest brother, Craig,

who was playing for the Houston Oilers at the time.

Mm-hmm. Well, he didn't want that, so he gave it back.

Super Bowl XIV, I kept for myself.

So I have XIII and XIV,

Gary lost X,

and then two years ago, I had X remade

and I gave it to him as a Christmas gift,

so now everybody has a ring.

I got two, they got two. Okay.

That's-- That-- that is great. (applause)

Thank you. Thank you.

Are you a Pittsburgh fan, football fan? Hank: Sure. Very.

Really? That team was, uh--

Yeah. That-- that was legendary.

What number was, uh-- what number was Terry? This gentleman...

Three. (laughter)

Hank? Hank, higher.

Higher. 11?

No, no. Not 11.

Hank, Hank, higher. What?

12? 12.

(laughter)

Why don't we take a break?

And we'll come, uh, right back

and, uh, watch Hank guess, uh, the entire current NFL roster

and their numbers and weights?

We'll be right back. No flipping.

You're fantastic.

(jazz music playing)

Are you waving to your relative?

No, that's my doctor.

Your doctor? Yeah.

Yeah, she just-- she gave me my first colonoscopy.

Wow, that first time. (grunts)

Hm. Really?

Really. You know, I've sent her a lot of customers.

I sent her, uh-- I sent her Bob Costas,

I sent her, uh, Brent Musburger.

John Madden drove all the way across the country just to see her.

Howie Long. Howie-- Howie goes once a week.

Psh. All of them satisfied.

Satisfied, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, she gives great scope, you know?

Artie, I'm so nervous.

Why? Why, sweetie? It's gonna be great.

I'm so excited. Got a hot crowd out there.

You're a very talented young woman.

Thank you. If I suck, don't blame Mary Lou.

Why would I do that?

I know she had to push for me, you know?

(sighs)

When you walk out there,

don't forget to stand on the star.

You mean, Larry? Oh, ha!

You see? You're gonna kill.

Okay.

(applause)

Larry: Welcome back.

It is always, as I think you would agree,

a, uh, delight to welcome new talent to the show,

and tonight we have one of the writers

from "The Larry Sanders Show."

This is her first appearance here,

her first appearance on network television,

so please give her a warm welcome.

Wendy Traston! Wendy Traston!

(applause)

Thanks.

Thank you, Larry.

So I'm sitting at home this morning,

uh, watching porn,

as I'm one to do from time to time,

and, uh, it's a series of vignettes,

this particular porn movie, uh, starring Ron Jeremy.

And in this-- (laughter)

Thank you.

And, uh, in this first vignette,

Ron Jeremy is masturbating,

uh, and he's got his pinky out,

and I found out why he does that.

I-- I found out why he masturbates with his pinky out.

It's because he's classy.

(laughter)

(applause)

I have a very long neck.

That's probably my most attractive feature.

My neck is four inches long, flaccid.

(laughter)

(applause)

I was a baby once, you know?

And, uh, look, I understand that the doctor had to spank me

when I was born, you know?

But, uh, I don't see why he had to call me a whore.

(laughter)

(applause)

(laughs)

So, uh, I'm licking jelly off of my boyfriend, right?

(laughter)

And all of a sudden I'm thinking,

"Oh, my god, I'm turning into my mother."

(laughter)

(applause)

If I leave you with anything, I hope it's not humor,

but, um, some sort of message, you know?

I'm currently in the process of suing my boss

for sexual harassment.

(sighs)

Yeah, and I don't mean to pat myself on the back about it,

but it's something that, uh--

it's something that it takes a lot of guts to do.

You know, uh, especially 'cause he didn't do anything.

(laughter)

Thank you very much.

(applause)

Wendy Traston. We'll be right back.

Wendy Traston.

(both laughing and cheering)

It felt so good, you know? You killed.

Wendy, you were incredible. You were so good! Thank you. Thank you, Beverly.

Did you tell her about Larry? No.

She tell you about Larry? No. What?

He was laughing. I mean, he was laughing for real.

You were really great. I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Beverly.

You completely made this happen for me.

I didn't make it happen.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

When Artie asked me if you were ready,

I told him, "I don't know."

I was afraid.

Well, if it ain't the two best friends.

Congratulations, sweetie. That was terrific. Thank you, Artie.

In this business, shows come and go

and friendships, well, uh, they come and go too.

But as long as you kill, everybody's happy.

Wendy, there's a bottle of iced Cordon Rouge on your desk.

Why don't you two gals go and get pie-eyed?

Sweet. Or shit-faced. Whatever you want to call it.

Want to go?

Let's get fucked up.

Super fucked up. (both giggle)

(theme music playing)

Hey, where's Dr. Bottom?

Aren't you two gonna paint the town brown?

I don't think so.

I mean, I don't mind her looking up my ass,

but John Madden? That's where I-- I draw the line.

He probably thought of it as a fucking tailgate party.

Oh, heads up, here comes the ass queen now.

Hi. Great show. Hey. Thanks.

So, uh, where do you want to go for dinner?

Look, I'm-- I think I'm gonna take a rain check on it.

I'm coming down with something.

I'm gonna get your parking validated.

I mean, she's one of my best friends Mm-hmm.

and I really liked her boyfriend.

It didn't work out with him.

Um, I'm sorry, can you just

get that really hard there? Do you mind?

Is that okay?

And I really--

This is-- I just have a-- It's hurting me there.

But anyway, I really-- It just didn't work out,

so we went out, and it was no big deal.

Right. Yeah, that's good. You could do it a little bit harder.

Just hard and direct. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe harder. I think she wants it harder.

Yeah. A little harder.

No, but seriously, honestly, I think you guys are-- are--

You're, uh-- you're getting kind of weird.

You're getting too possessive about this whole thing.

I don't think I'm possessive. Jeff: What?

I know I'm not possessive. Are you?

I'm certainly not possessive. I'm not. No.

Which girlfriend are you talking about? Your best friend? Marsha.

Marsha. You know Marsha?

Yes, oh, Marsha, Marsha. You must remember Marsha.

Oh, the, uh, the casting director Marsha!

with the, uh, thing. Remember the--

the one at the barbecue?

Remember the barbecue?

Oh, oh! Yeah!

What's the barbecue? Oh, I should've told that story.

Uh, let me-- let me-- Yeah. That would be

She's got the-- We're at the barbecue, funny for your show.

she's got the lighter fluid-- I-- I-- I'm going, darling. It's okay.

She's got the, uh, lighter fluid, all of a sudden, Right.

a force 10 gale comes up for some reason, Mm-hmm.

and, um, I've never seen a hibachi

just flare up like that, strangely. (mimics fire flaring)

It was like... I-- one second, I've got eyebrows.

The next second-- They are so, I mean, completely gone.

Every time I take a bite out of the chicken,

I thought it was your eyebrow. I couldn't even eat it.

Look at t-- They're still not totally grown back.

No, they have. I'm just kidding. Uh, thank you.

Oh, they're perfect. They don't look like they've been singed at all.

No-- Oh, that's good. It never crossed my mind.

Oh, she's so angry. Is that what that means, the wiggling of the toes?

Yeah, no, it means harder, because-- you don't understand,

it's like you're going down a little bit more but--

Wait, that part.

Yes, yes. Yes, yes, that's it.

Oh, god. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really good.

Yes, oh, god, yes, yes, oh. Mm-hmm.

Oh, my god. Oh. Ooh.

I have to go to the bathroom. Jeff: Oh.

That was good.

Really? I got the, uh... Yeah, yeah, that was great.

Thank you.

I'll be right back.

Um, is this-- Larry?

Yeah, right over that way. Oh, okay. Great. Thanks.

(door shuts) This girl really likes you.

I'm telling you, this is completely-- She likes you. She likes you.

You should be going out with her again,

because I think she likes you. No.

She likes you. I think she likes you.

But I, uh-- I can tell from the way she was--

She had an orgasm, practically,

when you were massaging her foot.

Did you think so?

As close as I've seen.

Really?

She's-- She was all over you. No.

She totally--

Larry. She totally wants to be with--

But-- Okay, maybe-- maybe she does. Do you--

Maybe she does, but I don't.

Okay, if I went out with her, would that-- would that bother you?

The whole thing is making you so heavy. Would it bother you?

I don't-- I don't-- Because if-- 'Cause I wouldn't do anything if it-- if it would.

I wouldn't do anything to-- to undermine our friendship.

Really? Yeah, really.

I trust your instincts.

It's fine. Did I mention, uh, Jimmy Coburn?

Yes, you did. Isn't that Illeana Douglas? She's hot.

Hi, Illeana. How are you? Hi.

I'm good, I'm good. Oh, my god. You know Artie. Uh...

Hi. Hi. I worked with your grandfather.

Well, listen, you look fantastic. What a dear guy.

Thank you. You look beautiful.

So do you. How are you?

I'm good. You know, I saw the show

you did with, uh, Jeff Goldblum. Right.

You were really funny. Really?

Thanks. I used to go out with Jeff.

Really? Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it didn't work out-- two actors.

But he's a really nice guy, don't you think?

I don't really know him.

(theme music playing)