All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E08_English

Artie:
All right, I've said it before,

but it's obvious I'm going
to have to say it again.

Now, producing a quality
television program

demands discipline,

a sustained level
of professionalism and focus.

If you're gonna sit around all
day with your thumb up your ass,

sooner or later that will
impact the show.

Why don't you get me the,
uh, this roll-up sweater.

Oh, nice.
That's a nice one, huh?

Yeah, what color?
In, uh...

I don't know.
Arthur?

I called to confirm
Sigourney Weaver for tonight
like you asked.

Right.
She canceled.

Her kid is sick.

I hate when people use their
children as an excuse.

Mary Lou, that's the reason
people in Hollywood have kids.

Now, I'm gonna let this pass
this time 'cause you're new,

but from now on,
don't you ever come in here

and discuss a cancellation
in front of Larry

because it makes him upset.
Can't you see that?

You know what looks great?
This woodland jacket

in, uh, in oyster.
Okay.

But you don't have to worry
because there's no problem.

Sigourney Weaver's agent
is also Angie Dickinson's agent,

and they said she would love
to do the show.

Hank:
Wow, Angie Dickinson!

Boy, I'd like to have
that policewoman put me
in a choke hold.

You know, frisk me, baby.

Whoa, do I have
a concealed weapon for you.

Shut up, Hank.
Officer, Officer,

turn off that siren
and let's fuck.

Okay, come on,
the meeting is over!

Let's get out of here,
chop, chop!

But I have some old business.

Chop, chop!

Which color? I think you
should get all of them.

Okay.

I don't think he's done, Artie.

He's done.

I was just--
I was just finishing...

I was just
getting some sweaters.

We have a real
problem here, Larry.

What, you think I'm
ordering too much?

It's just--
I was just getting a jacket--
Larry...

Have you ever had a woman,

you know, any woman
that had such a...

strange power over you

that, uh,
she scrambled your brains,

makes you so hot

that all you can do
is think with your dick?

You're gonna have
to be more specific.

I have a woman like that.
Yeah.

Her name is
Angie Dickinson.

You used to date her, right?

Yes and no.

What does that mean?

Well, we had a lot
of hot sex,

but we never left the house.
Mm-hmm.

I mean, when I'm around Angie
I just can't help myself.

She's like a siren

calling for me to smash
my nuts upon the rocks.

I mean, Angie's like,
you know,

she's like, uh...
booze to me.

The only difference
with Angie is I...

I don't know when to stop.

Ha! Okay, it's
not that different.

But will you just
help me with this one?

You wanna bump her?

No.
Just bump her.

She's a great guest.

But I just--
I can't be alone with her.

And you can't leave me
alone with her!

That's what I'm asking
you to do, okay?

Would you just do this favor
for me this one time, buddy?

I'm serious.
You got it.

Okay.
All right.

You're a peach.
Yeah.

Beverly, bring the catalog
back in, please.

Fuck, man, he's been
in there for 10 minutes.

What's he doing?
Maybe I should
go in and check?

Don't go in there.
Oh, come on.

No, you're gonna make
him really uncomfortable--

Hi, Mr. Rickles, I'm--

I'm Brian.
I'm Hank's assistant.

Oh, hi, nice to meet you.

Yeah, I'm Phil.
I'm the head writer.

Oh, hello, Phil.
How you doing?

Fine, thanks.
Nice to meet you.

Yeah, we're really,
really big fans of yours.

Yeah, you're the king.

I don't know about the king,
but thanks so much.

It's nice to hear.
Yeah.

Hey, uh,
could you insult us?

Well, not really.

You know, I don't do that.
I do that for-- you know,
when you get paid.

Oh. Oh, I know.
But just a little one.

No, not really.

You see, but I really like
to relax before I do the show.

You understand?
Mm-hmm.

We were just hoping like,
maybe one little zinger each.

Just, you know, call me
a hockey puck, or---

Just one?
Oh, please.

It'd really mean
a lot to us.

You really want it?

Please?
That'd be great.

You want it? Both barrels?
Yes. Yeah.

You must have come out
of your mother on an angle

and hit the wall.
(laughing)

You got a funny-looking body.
And get rid of that little

fag cadet suit you're wearing
with all those buttons.

I like the teeth.
There's a new thing
I call "the dentist."

You go see him.

Teeth are starting to go bad.

I'm a friend.
Really going bad.

Get the hands out
of the pockets, huh?

You're gonna go blind.

You don't need that.
Okay.

I like your smile.
Oh, thanks.

Are you a queer?
Nah.

Hey, you don't have
to lie to me.

Not the last time I checked.

(laughing)
Hey, I'll do the funny stuff.

Shut up.
You're getting on my nerves.

Okay, guys, that's it.
I had it with you guys, okay?

Thanks. That was great.

Thanks a lot.
You liked it?

Yeah.
You did great.

Hank:
There he is, Mr. Warm.

Hi, Hank.
Hey.

Good to see you.
How goes it?

Listen, Don, could you
do me a mitzvah?

Um, that, um...

That thing you did--
that voice thing--
Disney, the toy, uh...

"Toy Story."
"Toy Story."

I can't get my foot
in the door at Disney.

I mean, it's like I shit
in Pluto's dish or something.

And could you
do something?

Could you maybe
talk to somebody over there?

Maybe mention
Hank Kingsley's name?

Yeah, I could make a call.

Oh, man, you are...

You're the--
You're just the best.

Don, I don't know if
we've ever talked about this,

but I knew television was
in deep, deep trouble

the day they took
"C.P.O. Sharkey" off the air.

You know? Because
what I feel is the--

It was just such a loss
for all of us, you know?
(locks door)

We're back with Don Rickles.

Now, during the break, Don,
we will return to that.

What is that word
you used

that refers to someone
who's asking for too much?

What is it?
It's called a "chazer."

What is that? Is that a--
How do you spell that?

What am I, with the Mossad?

I don't know, I just--

I heard you use the word
and I didn't know what it meant.

Well, when it's a Jew hour
we'll talk about chazer.

Here's a man
that's a nebbish.

Right. And that is a...?
That means,
as you can see,

does nothing, just sits there
and smells his hand for...

(laughing)

And that's a nebbish.
That's a nebbish.

Should we move on? You want
to stay on for Angie Dickinson?

You kidding?
I wouldn't miss it.

Okay, why don't we--
You see how that woman looks?

Please welcome the very
beautiful Angie Dickinson.

Angie!

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

You know, I have to say,
I'm sorry to keep you waiting

while Don and I rambled.

But he was hot,
and he was on,

and the audience, you know,
loves him.

Oh, yes, well,
I do, too.

Don't you?

Look at that.

So, so you mentioned
that you were, uh,
something about Ireland?

Yeah, well, I made
a picture over there.

What picture was that?

It was called "The Sun,
the Moon and the Stars."

And that was in Ireland?
In Ireland.

And I have a wonderful story
that happened on the set,

but it might be
a little too long to tell.

But I'd love--
How much time--
Excuse me, I'm sorry.

How much time do we have,
Artie, before we go
to a commercial?

Oh, Artie, there you are!

Yeah.

Do you know that your
producer is a very sexy man?

Yes, the entire band
kind of...

Why don't we hose these two down
before they're out of control.

I think you've
been hiding from me.

Oh, I could never hide
from you, my dear.

Artie, forget about it, eh?
You're old, it's over.

Go out to the cemetery
and pick out a plot.

Don't pick on him.
He's really sexy.

Eh, well, it's a matter
of taste. I never embraced him.

I have my girl.

Why don't we take a break
and we'll come right back.

No flipping.

Angie, I'm gonna have a PA come
and get the rest of your things.

Okay, thank you, Beverly.

You sure that's not too heavy?

Oh, no, it's fine.

Okay, thanks.

(knocks)
Hey.

I just wanted to tell you
how great you were tonight.

Thank you for doing the show.
Just terrific.
Thank you. Oh, I had...

a wonderful time.
You're welcome back anytime.

Oh, thank you.
Honestly.

I wonder if I could
see Artie

before I go?
He's just doing some
post-show stuff.

And I, um...

He wanted me to say goodbye
and thank you.

As do I.

Well, you know, I...

I've known him
a long time.
Yes.

I know.
We met in New York City.
He's a very special man.

He is.
You sure he's not...

Oh, my-- Oh, my gosh.
Hey.

Oh, excuse me,
Larry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
It's all right. It's okay.

I'll put my things away.

It's all right, buddy,
we're good.

I just want to have a proper
couple of minutes with Angie.

We haven't seen
each other for...

Again, you were just great.
Thank you.

And I wish--
Mm. Oh God.

Let's go.

Let me talk to you--
I wanna talk to you.

I wanna talk to you
about something.
Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, thank you.

Some of the monologue stuff.
Forgive me.

Please, forgive me.

Angie (muffled):
Oh, watch out for the fruit!
Oh no, watch out!

He's just thanking her
for doing the show.

Mr. Rickles
did "Toy Story" for us.

He was fantastic.

So when he called
and mentioned your name,

we thought, uh,
what an interesting idea.

Well, I've always wanted
to, uh, work with Disney.

I once sat next
to Michael Eisner
on a plane.

Is that right?

No. No, not really.

He'd been on the plane
the flight before mine.

You could still feel
the Eisner in the air.

Right. Um, shall we...

Sure. Want me to read
the part of Hercules, huh?

Maybe I should have
let my hair grow out.

I'm sorry?
Hercules.

He let his hair grow out.

And, you know, when
they cut it, he was weak.

That's Samson.

I don't think so.

Let's give it a shot.

This is the scene where

Hercules sets off to perform
the first of his 12 labors.

Is he a gynecologist?

That's very good.
Thank you.

Any questions?

Do I get the part?
Joking. Joking.

Let's give it a shot.

Let's get ready to rumble.

Man:
All set?

Mm-hmm.

Hank Kingsley, Hercules,
take one.

Page three.

Hear me now, my father.

Take over.
Take over.

Take two.

Hear me now, my father.

Hear me now,
oh great and mighty Zeus.

Eurys... theus sends me
to kill the terrible lion...

of Nemea,

a beast no weapon can wound.

But I shall wound it
and I shall kill it.

And it shall be done
with my two hands only.

For with the aid
of my new friends,

Grea the magpie,

and Tivius the beaver,

there is no labor
that can defeat

the good and powerful Hercules!

(doorbell ringing)

Coming.

Yeah, I know it's late,
but I just gotta talk to you.

Yeah, well,
you know, it's late.

What is it?
Yes, uh, you know,

I'm sorry about pushing you out

and giving you the bum's rush
out of Angie's dressing room.

No, it's fine. I'm that way
when Siegfried and Roy are on.

It's fine, really.

Woman: Larry?
Don't worry about it, I swear--

Is something wrong?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you had
anybody here.

Um...

Artie, this is--
this is Laura Leighton.

Laura, this is Artie.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Oh, "Melrose Place"!

Hey, you're wonderful.
I watch it. I'm just hooked.

Hey.

Yeah, we're not
on the show now.

Right.
Right.

Nice to see you.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were here.

Yeah, that's all right.

If you will excuse me,

I will be in the kitchen.

Okay. Just a--
Thank you very much.

It'll be just one minute.
Just a minute.

Glad you got
something going on.

You know, I'm crazy about her.

Well, so you understand,
I'm on the way to the airport.

I just want to say goodbye
before I left.

Where you going?

Italy.

Angie's got
a villa in Venice

and she asked me
to stay with her there

and I gotta go.
I just can't help myself.

I know it's wrong,
but I gotta go.

Yeah, roughly how long
would you be going?

Oh, just three days.
Oh, just three days!

Okay, I'll leave you lovebirds.
I hope you find what I found.
Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I hope so.

Ciao. Ciao, padrino.
Yeah.

What is it you found exactly?

There.

Now let's see...

to, um...

to our first day in Italy.

Many more like it.
Oh. Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

I'm afraid we're getting
in a little bit of a rut,
sweetie.

All we've done since we got here
is drink wine and screw.

What do you suggest?

Tomorrow
let's switch to beer.

(laughing)

I'm so glad you
came with me.

We haven't had this much fun
since we did that shoot
in Albuquerque.

Remember that?

That terrible storm that came up
and then the power went out?

Oh, that's when
the fun began.

Yes. Yes.

Ooh, yes.

Are you glad you came?

Load, rock and roll, baby!

This boy is ecstatic.

Oh, I don't know.
When you got out of the shower
you seemed a little distracted.

Oh, you caught me.

Well, I was just
a little worried about Larry.

You know, leaving him
in the lurch the way I did.

I'm sure Larry
is just fine.

Not without me, he isn't.

You know, I think
it's amazing

to see two people that can
live together and work together.

You know, you think you'd get
sick of each other.

Well, it allows me
to keep an eye on him.

Heh. I can see why
that would be important.

Can we--
Could we turn that off?

Wait, you have to see this
funny scene.

No, no, I've seen--
I've seen this one.

Shh-shh-shh-shh.
No, I've seen this one.

Please? Please,
can we turn it off?

You have never even
seen "Melrose Place."

Yes, I have.

It's good. You know who's
really good in this one?

David Schwimmer.

He's hilarious in this one.

Very fucking funny.

I know.

What do you want
to do tonight?

Well, tonight I'd really
like to stay in.

And do what?

You read my mind.

Why don't we...
Why don't we have dinner
on the terrace

and watch the boats?

Well, uh...

please, not tonight.

Unless they're planning
to open fire on each other.

Why don't we just
watch some television.

We haven't had it on
since we got here.

Well, congratulations, Arthur.

Two whole days in Venice
without watching TV.

I can watch
the boats without you.

Angie, come here!

What is it?

This is the Best of Larry
from two seasons ago.

(TV playing in Italian)

Then you've seen it.
Oh, many times.

Arthur, you don't
speak Italian.

Si. Molto poco.

Why are you watching this?

Silenzio! Mi scusi.

Just wait for this.

(laughs)

Oh, he's just
like Marcel Marceau.

Larry's a killer
in any language.

Oh, can you get that?

(laughing)

Can we turn this off?

Larry (on TV):
Let me ask you something.

What is this thing?

You know, if this
was "Melrose Place,"

you'd be glued to it.

You've already seen this.

Not on TV.

What do you want
from me? This is my job.

I gotta see how it plays
in the Italian market.

I want you
to acknowledge what I said.

Is that too much to ask?
No.

What'd you say?

Arthur, you say
you want to be here,

but you don't.

You're fine the first
couple of days,

and then everything
seems to go wrong.

And it happens every time
we're together

more than three or four days.

I try to talk to you
about it,

and you just lash out.

I don't lash out at you.

You do.

Well, fuck you, then.

You know, you're just
a gorgeous woman, Angie,

but you've got
some problems yourself.

I don't throw 'em
in your face.

Well, at least I'm not
some sicko

watching some stupid show
from two years ago.

Oh, I'm a sicko, okay.

But don't you dare
call my show stupid.

Don't do that!
That's not what I meant
and you know it!

Listen, just give me
a break, will ya?

If "Dressed to Kill"
were on right now,

you'd be humping the set
crying out,

"Mama mia!"

I knew this was gonna happen!
It's just like Albuquerque!

You're a prick.

Just give me five
goddamn minutes!

Then we can take
the fucking boat!

Do I look any different?

No.
Well, I should

because I am playing Hercules!

Hey!
They want me!

They want me!
Oh, congrats.

Hey, what's going on?

Disney wants me!

What are they doing,
a live-action version
of "Dumbo"?

'Cause you throw on 40 pounds,
little gray makeup,

you're gonna be great.

Hey! Hey, what are you
doing, asshole?

This is a warning, my friend.

You do not mess
with Hercules.

I killed my wife,
I killed my children,

and I shall kill you
if you do not temper thy tongue.

What, are you fucking
insane, Hank?

I know not this Hank
you speak of.

As of this day, when you
cast your eye upon me,

you shall see only one man.

And that man is...

Hercules!

Hahahahahahaha!

(laughing continues)

Hey, hi.
Hank: Hey!

Thanks for coming in.
Thank you.

Thank you for
the part of Hercules.

Uh, no, Hank.

When we said we wanted you
to come in for "Hercules,"

we meant "Hercules"
the project.

Not Hercules the role.

Who's playing Hercules?

We went with Tate Donovan.

Tate Donovan?

I...

Uh, excuse me,

I don't mean
to question your judgment,

but one of my balls
is as big as Tate Donovan.

Well, we're going with him.

I can't--

Uh, all right.

Well, what am I--
What am I doing here?

Well, we want you
to play the role of Iggus.

Who the fuck is Iggus?

Oh, Ig--
Hank, Iggus is a great role.

He's Hercules', uh... partner.

He's Hercules' partner.

He's always getting into
all these little scrapes

and Hercules has to come
and rescue him--
He's the village idiot.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

Well, that's
what it says right here
in the stage directions.

"Iggus, the village
idiot, enters,

"a sad little stump
of a man with a sorry mustache.

"He's being pelted with stones
by a band of toughs.

"He cries out for Hercules

in his funny
squeal of a voice."

I don't think so.

Are you kidding, Hank?
This is a perfect part for you.

You're living his life.

Are you saying that being
a village idiot is my life?

(laughs)
Good luck with the film.

And hey, good luck
casting that part.

Hank...
It's good.

You're making
a mistake, Hank.

It's a great part.
It's the part for you.

Michael Eisner thinks Iggus is
the best character in the film.

Do you think that when
Iggus gets in trouble

he could say, uh,
"Hey now"?

Mmm.

Well, well, well,
look who's back.

Is that your tail
I see between your legs?

Not my tail.
Where's Larry?

He's in his office.

How'd that guy turn out,
the one I sent over?

Ugh, um...

Good. I still got a job?

Well, you're
the producer, right?

So, Larry asked me
to move in with him.

Oh. And are you going to?

I don't know.

It's too fast.

You know, I'm just not sure
that I'm ready

to be be in a relationship
with someone in show business.

No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't understand.

You're in show business?

Exactly.

But--
Artie: Oh, scusi!

Oh, you got cleaned up
pretty fast.

Hey, Arthur,
how did it go in Italy?

Mmm. Relationships are tough.

Mary Lou:
Excuse me, Laura?

You have a phone call
from Martin Scorsese.

Great. That is the phone call
I've been waiting for.

You know what, Laura, you can
take it in the writer's room.

It'd be more private.
Okay, thanks.

And we'll talk
about that thing.

Well, I told Larry you're here.

You want me
to take you to him?

No, I'll find him.

I feel like such an idiot.

We were on vacation
for Christ's sake!

You know, started out good.

But then she wanted to talk
about my peccadilloes,

my mood swings,
my temper,

my stubbornness,
my obsession with Glenlivet.

You know, the whole
fucking laundry list.

So once again, I walk alone.

You know what, Artie?

I'm glad you're back.

I'm so glad you're back.

Thank you, Beverly.

Oh, shit.

What?
I thought she was
in London. She's here!

Who?
Angie!

She won't let me get away.

Well, you want me to go
and get rid of her for you?

No, I've got
to confront this.

I've gotta put
a stop to it,
once and for all.

I understand that
you are doing a movie.

Is that right?

Well, I'm not doing
a movie, I'm doing...

The voice-over.
No, I'm doing a voice

for a project at the Disney
company called "Hercules."

(audience applauds)
Oh, well, congratulations.

But I'm not
playing Hercules.

They offered my Hercules,

but I'm playing
a much better role.

A stretch for me,
Yeah?

the role of Iggus.

The village idiot?

You're not--
You're not supposed
to call it that.

Well. You want
to do a little of the voice?

Why don't you do
a little of the voice,

and then we'll be the judge.

Well, I...
We don't--

We really don't have time.

We'll take a break
and we'll come right back.

No flipping.

Man: Clear!

Great show.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

I forgot to ask you how
that conversation went
with Angie.

All's well.
Good. Good. Good.

'Cause I imagine that must
have been very, very difficult.

It was, but it's cool now.

She's on her way to Mexico,

and her flight
leaves in an hour.

What time's your flight?

Heh. 9:30.

I'll be back
on Monday, I swear.

Thank you, buddy.

(theme music playing)