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1
00:00:05,269 --> 00:00:07,109
Mr. Sanders, are you
ready for some good news?
2
00:00:07,129 --> 00:00:08,149
Yes, I am.
Great.
3
00:00:08,169 --> 00:00:09,259
Because, you know,
as a publicist,
4
00:00:09,279 --> 00:00:10,289
good news
is my business.
5
00:00:11,009 --> 00:00:12,079
Get on with it.
All right.
6
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:13,259
Artie, I'm just trying
to enjoy it a little bit.
7
00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:15,039
Let him have
his fun, Artie.
8
00:00:15,060 --> 00:00:17,070
Thank you. Now, are you
ready for some good news?
9
00:00:17,089 --> 00:00:18,129
'Cause I'm wetting myself.
10
00:00:18,149 --> 00:00:20,149
Yes, yes.
I think we all are.
11
00:00:20,170 --> 00:00:21,160
Here it comes.
12
00:00:21,179 --> 00:00:22,169
Artie, please.
13
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:24,070
I told "People" magazine
14
00:00:24,089 --> 00:00:26,249
that we were having
the sick boy come visit us
15
00:00:26,269 --> 00:00:28,079
from the One Wish Foundation.
16
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:30,090
Was that today?
Yeah.
17
00:00:30,109 --> 00:00:32,119
You got us one that's not in
a wheelchair this time, right?
18
00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:34,020
Oh, yeah, yeah, you
wouldn't even know he's sick.
19
00:00:34,039 --> 00:00:36,109
It's something, um...
ahem, internal.
20
00:00:36,130 --> 00:00:38,290
Now, you ready
for the good news?
21
00:00:39,009 --> 00:00:40,229
Yep.
22
00:00:40,250 --> 00:00:44,040
"People" magazine is sending
their best reporter
23
00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:46,190
to write a full-page
article about it.
24
00:00:46,210 --> 00:00:49,280
What about the Top 10
Sexiest Men Alive list, Norman?
25
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,170
I mean, you promised me.
26
00:00:51,189 --> 00:00:54,069
Now, I have been trying
to get you on it.
27
00:00:54,090 --> 00:00:57,080
Larry, as it turns out,
you're number 11.
28
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:59,170
We are in competition
on this thing
29
00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:02,079
with every major
motion picture studio!
30
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:04,230
No one from television
ever gets on it.
31
00:01:04,250 --> 00:01:06,030
What about George Clooney?
32
00:01:06,049 --> 00:01:08,169
Well, he's Batman,
for Christ's sake.
Yeah.
33
00:01:08,189 --> 00:01:11,189
I mean, do you know
the kind of publicity machine
Warner Bros. has?
34
00:01:11,210 --> 00:01:14,010
They could get
Elmer Fucking Fudd on that list.
35
00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:16,080
But, Norman,
you promised me.
36
00:01:16,099 --> 00:01:17,179
Artie:
Hank Kingsley,
37
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,260
international
cigar smuggler.
38
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,080
Buenas dias, mis amigos.
39
00:01:21,099 --> 00:01:22,169
I come bearing gifts.
40
00:01:22,189 --> 00:01:24,999
The finest in illegal
smoking pleasure from...
41
00:01:25,019 --> 00:01:26,139
Cuba.
42
00:01:26,159 --> 00:01:29,119
For Señor Larry,
una Cohiba Robusto.
43
00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:31,120
For Señor Arturo,
Partagas.
44
00:01:31,140 --> 00:01:34,100
Ah, chinga tu madre.
Hey!
45
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,270
(sniffs)
Chihuahua, pendejo!
46
00:01:35,289 --> 00:01:37,289
Wow, where do you
get those, Hank?
47
00:01:38,009 --> 00:01:39,259
Oh, I get these
from a guy named Nuña.
48
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,270
Nuña?
49
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,010
Yeah, like in nuña
your God damn business.
50
00:01:43,030 --> 00:01:44,120
(laughing)
51
00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:46,170
Hank, you better
watch that inhaling.
52
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:49,099
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Come on. Lighten up.
53
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,210
Have a cigar on me.
Oh, thank you.
54
00:01:50,229 --> 00:01:52,119
Yeah, I got these
from Antonio Banderas.
55
00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:53,210
He gave me that
last night.
56
00:01:53,229 --> 00:01:56,079
He's celebrating making
the Sexiest Men Alive list.
57
00:01:56,099 --> 00:01:57,279
Which he can't
get me on, by the way.
58
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,080
Oh, it's very hard.
Very hard.
59
00:01:59,099 --> 00:02:01,129
I tried to get on last year,
and the fuckers,
60
00:02:01,150 --> 00:02:03,250
they put me between Dennis
Frantz and Hector Elizondo
61
00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:06,149
on the Can You Recognize
These Bald Heads? game.
62
00:02:06,170 --> 00:02:08,230
Were you the one
on the left or right?
63
00:02:08,250 --> 00:02:09,240
I couldn't
get Patrick Stewart
64
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:10,249
on that thing.
65
00:02:10,270 --> 00:02:12,130
Oh, for the love
of fuck.
66
00:02:12,150 --> 00:02:13,270
Better keep that away
from your crotch,
67
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,000
or you'll end up on
the Dickless Wonder list.
68
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,060
Artie, you better not
let the fire marshal
69
00:02:23,079 --> 00:02:24,119
catch you doing that.
70
00:02:24,139 --> 00:02:26,059
No wonder the office
smells like wet manure.
71
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,109
Oh, I'm so sorry.
72
00:02:27,129 --> 00:02:29,199
Come here a minute.
What?
73
00:02:29,219 --> 00:02:31,249
I gotta talk to you about
our sick little friend.
74
00:02:31,270 --> 00:02:32,260
You mean Charlie?
75
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,170
I was just on my way
down to get him.
76
00:02:34,189 --> 00:02:36,099
I don't want to be
unfeeling, but...
77
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,060
you got to keep
that kid away from Larry.
78
00:02:39,079 --> 00:02:41,149
Artie, that unfortunate
child has one wish,
79
00:02:41,170 --> 00:02:43,240
and that wish is
to meet Larry Sanders.
80
00:02:43,259 --> 00:02:46,219
Don't you know how sensitive
and fragile Larry is?
81
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,000
Remember the show
when Joan Embery
82
00:02:49,020 --> 00:02:50,080
brought in the baby fawn
83
00:02:50,099 --> 00:02:52,019
whose mother had died
in a brush fire?
84
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,059
Yeah.
85
00:02:53,079 --> 00:02:54,189
Larry couldn't
stop crying
86
00:02:54,210 --> 00:02:56,070
even when the Fly Girls
were dancing.
87
00:02:56,090 --> 00:02:58,180
He just kept blubbering about
the fucking baby fawn's mother
88
00:02:58,199 --> 00:02:59,249
cooking in a brush fire.
89
00:02:59,270 --> 00:03:01,190
Now, that was the worst
show we ever had.
90
00:03:01,210 --> 00:03:04,050
Now, do you want that to happen
again with that nosy reporter
91
00:03:04,069 --> 00:03:05,189
from "People" magazine
hanging around?
92
00:03:05,210 --> 00:03:07,040
Okay.
I understand, Artie.
93
00:03:07,060 --> 00:03:09,110
Okay. Thank you.
94
00:03:09,129 --> 00:03:11,099
And what in the world
can that thing do for you?
95
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,060
It's a guy's thing,
baby.
96
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,260
Don't sweat it.
97
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,090
Maybe you should wear your
driving gloves when you smoke.
98
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:20,140
Maybe you should take your
pants off and blow yourself.
99
00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:22,009
Don't be so cranky.
100
00:03:22,030 --> 00:03:23,030
My finger hurts.
101
00:03:23,050 --> 00:03:24,110
I know.
There we go.
102
00:03:24,129 --> 00:03:26,179
See, at the Havana Room,
you know what they do?
103
00:03:26,199 --> 00:03:28,179
They cut your cigar
for you.
104
00:03:28,199 --> 00:03:30,999
I mean, these people,
105
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:33,070
they know how to treat
their celebrity clientele.
106
00:03:33,090 --> 00:03:35,250
(buzzing)
107
00:03:35,270 --> 00:03:36,280
What the fuck is that?
108
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,290
It's a fan.
109
00:03:39,009 --> 00:03:40,999
What, is that,
like, a gay thing?
110
00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:43,010
No, this is a gay thing.
111
00:03:43,030 --> 00:03:44,020
Put the fan down.
112
00:03:44,039 --> 00:03:45,119
No. You put
the cigar down.
113
00:03:45,139 --> 00:03:46,249
Put the fan down.
114
00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:47,260
Put the cigar down.
115
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:48,290
Okay, this is ridiculous.
116
00:03:49,009 --> 00:03:50,109
All right, let's be...
Let's be adults.
117
00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:52,159
Okay.
All right, on three...
118
00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:54,090
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
119
00:03:54,110 --> 00:03:55,210
(buzzing stops)
120
00:03:55,229 --> 00:03:56,219
Here we go.
(beep)
121
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,080
Oh, look at this.
That's a clear fax.
122
00:03:58,099 --> 00:04:00,129
That's a beautiful machine.
Is this anti-curl paper?
123
00:04:00,150 --> 00:04:01,220
Is that it?
I don't know.
124
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,060
Yeah.
Yeah.
125
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,150
Now, look,
you know, if you want,
126
00:04:04,169 --> 00:04:06,219
I could try to get one of
those names bumped off the list.
127
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,020
Then we'd be home free.
128
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,069
Let's see. "Brad Pitt,
Tom Cruise, George..."
129
00:04:10,090 --> 00:04:12,100
Ah, I see vulnerability!
"Ben Stiller."
130
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,110
Right. He's gonna be
the easiest one to bump.
131
00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:16,099
Yeah, but you know,
132
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,100
God, I mean, Ben's
a friend of mine
133
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,100
and, uh... he's
on the show tonight.
134
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,060
Larry, he'll never
know it's you.
135
00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:23,179
Believe me, in the world
of publicity,
136
00:04:23,199 --> 00:04:25,149
this kind of stuff
happens all the time, right?
137
00:04:25,170 --> 00:04:28,000
No. I can't... I can't...
I can't say...
138
00:04:28,019 --> 00:04:29,279
let's bump
Ben Stiller, so...
139
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:30,290
Okay, but you know what?
140
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:32,239
You don't actually
have to say "bump him."
141
00:04:32,259 --> 00:04:34,009
You know what?
I'm gonna count to 10,
142
00:04:34,029 --> 00:04:36,029
and, if at the end of it,
you haven't said anything,
143
00:04:36,050 --> 00:04:38,080
then I'm gonna take it
to mean that he's bumped, okay?
144
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:40,110
One, two, three, four...
Ah, Christ sakes.
145
00:04:40,129 --> 00:04:41,179
We don't have fucking
time for this.
146
00:04:41,199 --> 00:04:42,199
Six...
He's right.
147
00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:44,070
Just fucking bump him.
Okay.
148
00:04:44,090 --> 00:04:46,190
"Dean Cain, three boxes,
Charlie Sheen, two boxes,
149
00:04:46,209 --> 00:04:48,269
Jason Priestley,
nine boxes."
150
00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:50,130
That kid's a chimney.
151
00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:54,130
Hank, um...
152
00:04:54,149 --> 00:04:56,229
I said that I was okay
getting the cigars
153
00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:58,000
from the airport.
Yeah.
154
00:04:58,019 --> 00:04:59,129
And I am, but, uh...
155
00:04:59,149 --> 00:05:01,259
lately I've gotten
really nervous.
156
00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:03,089
Um, the last time I went,
157
00:05:03,110 --> 00:05:05,160
there was a flight in
from Jamaica just ahead of me.
158
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:08,120
So there were all these cops
and drug dogs,
159
00:05:08,139 --> 00:05:10,119
and one of the dogs
lunged at me.
160
00:05:10,139 --> 00:05:12,099
And if I didn't have
a biscuit on me,
161
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:13,170
it would've taken my arm off.
162
00:05:13,189 --> 00:05:15,069
Oh, get a dick,
will you?
163
00:05:15,089 --> 00:05:17,079
Hey wait,
you're famous, huh?
164
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:18,090
Yeah.
165
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:20,090
Were you
in "Ghostbusters"?
166
00:05:20,110 --> 00:05:22,070
No. That was
Bill Murray.
167
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,019
Well, how about
"Blues Brothers"?
168
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,260
No. That was
my brother John.
169
00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:27,119
Well, what were you in?
170
00:05:27,139 --> 00:05:29,039
Well, you might've
seen "K-9."
171
00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:30,240
Oh, yeah.
That dog was cute.
172
00:05:30,259 --> 00:05:32,289
What's it like
working with a dog?
173
00:05:33,009 --> 00:05:34,209
Pain in the ass.
174
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,110
So, um, this is it?
What do you think?
175
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,069
Nice, isn't it?
Can I meet Larry now?
176
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,080
Of course you can, honey.
We'll see if he's around.
177
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:45,170
But first, why don't we
say hello to everyone else?
178
00:05:45,189 --> 00:05:47,259
Uh, Mary Lou,
this is Charlie,
179
00:05:47,279 --> 00:05:49,999
our friend from
the One Wish Foundation.
180
00:05:52,009 --> 00:05:53,169
Oh, my God.
181
00:05:55,199 --> 00:05:56,209
I'm sorry.
182
00:05:57,220 --> 00:06:00,080
This area here
is the bull pen.
183
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:01,150
Computers--
Can I meet Larry now?
184
00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:03,170
Yeah, of course,
but, um...
185
00:06:03,189 --> 00:06:06,109
first, let's
say hello to Phil.
186
00:06:06,129 --> 00:06:07,119
What's he do?
187
00:06:07,139 --> 00:06:08,259
He writes
Larry's jokes.
188
00:06:08,279 --> 00:06:09,279
Oh.
189
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,120
Phil, this
is Charlie.
190
00:06:11,139 --> 00:06:12,179
Hi.
Hey.
191
00:06:12,199 --> 00:06:13,269
Beverly, I didn't
know you had a kid.
192
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:17,030
Charlie is our friend from
the One Wish Foundation.
193
00:06:17,050 --> 00:06:20,020
Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey,
how's it going there?
194
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,050
Good.
195
00:06:21,069 --> 00:06:24,049
Uh, Phil, um...
maybe you can show Charlie
196
00:06:24,069 --> 00:06:27,279
how you put the... monologues
on the cue cards.
197
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,280
Oh, wow. You know, I wish
I knew how to do that myself.
198
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,080
Nice to meet you,
Charlie.
199
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:36,060
Well, I guess
you can tell
200
00:06:36,079 --> 00:06:38,029
we're really busy
around here.
201
00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:40,070
Uh-huh.
You're so cute.
202
00:06:40,090 --> 00:06:41,240
I wanna
meet Larry now.
203
00:06:41,259 --> 00:06:43,269
Um, I don't know
where he is, but...
204
00:06:43,290 --> 00:06:45,090
He's in his office,
Beverly.
205
00:06:45,110 --> 00:06:47,030
Thank you, Brian.
206
00:06:47,050 --> 00:06:48,200
I'll tell you what.
207
00:06:48,220 --> 00:06:50,130
I'll take you down
to the director's booth
208
00:06:50,149 --> 00:06:51,289
and I can show you
how they work down there,
209
00:06:52,009 --> 00:06:53,139
and then we'll come back
and we'll see Larry.
210
00:06:53,159 --> 00:06:55,049
Okay.
(laughing)
Okay.
211
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,020
The kid creeps me out.
212
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,130
Yeah, I know.
213
00:07:02,149 --> 00:07:04,029
It's really hard to be
around someone who's ill.
214
00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:05,090
No, I don't give
a shit about that.
215
00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:06,250
I just think it's weird
someone's last wish
216
00:07:06,269 --> 00:07:08,079
is to meet Larry.
(chuckles)
217
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,260
Help me here, you know.
I don't understand.
218
00:07:10,279 --> 00:07:13,249
You told me you'd have
my Cohiba Robustos here today.
219
00:07:13,269 --> 00:07:15,109
Yes.
Right?
220
00:07:15,129 --> 00:07:16,249
Right. And there's--
but, you see,
221
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,289
well, there's a certain
amount of discretion
222
00:07:19,009 --> 00:07:21,119
that goes into this,
and little Felipe
223
00:07:21,139 --> 00:07:23,279
needs a full moon
to make the swim.
224
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,000
Hank, that's bullshit.
You know that's bullshit.
225
00:07:26,019 --> 00:07:28,999
Now, come on. I drove all
the way in from the Westside
226
00:07:29,019 --> 00:07:31,079
to be here to pick up
those Robustos.
227
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,120
Okay, okay, look.
228
00:07:32,139 --> 00:07:33,289
Hank, I'm serious.
I'm a serious smoker.
229
00:07:34,009 --> 00:07:35,039
I'm serious about these...
230
00:07:35,060 --> 00:07:36,050
Jimbo, Jimbo, please.
231
00:07:36,069 --> 00:07:37,179
There's no need
to be angry.
232
00:07:37,199 --> 00:07:39,179
Here. Why don't you take
one of my Macanudos
233
00:07:39,199 --> 00:07:42,119
to tide you over...
go ahead.
234
00:07:42,139 --> 00:07:43,199
Thanks, Hank.
235
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:45,270
This'll get me
all the way to my car.
236
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,150
I can't believe
I actually introduced you
237
00:07:47,170 --> 00:07:49,070
to Dolph Lundgren.
238
00:07:53,110 --> 00:07:54,150
Hey, Jimmy.
239
00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:56,030
Hey, Larry, how you doing?
Hey, good to see you.
240
00:07:56,050 --> 00:07:57,150
Hey, whoa, whoa.
What is that?
241
00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:58,280
Is that a Cohiba Robusto
you're smoking?
242
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,050
I-- I guess so, yeah.
243
00:08:00,069 --> 00:08:01,109
You got
another one of those?
244
00:08:01,129 --> 00:08:04,009
Uh, no. No.
How's the new show going?
245
00:08:04,029 --> 00:08:06,139
Well, we're, uh...
you know, we're...
246
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,230
Retooling? Yeah, yeah.
Retooling.
247
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:09,010
Well, I'm sure
it's going to be great.
248
00:08:09,029 --> 00:08:10,149
Yeah, I know.
It's gonna to be a great show.
249
00:08:10,170 --> 00:08:11,250
All right.
Well, good luck.
250
00:08:11,269 --> 00:08:13,069
Wish I had another one.
251
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,270
So, uh, that was
the, uh, wardrobe room.
252
00:08:16,290 --> 00:08:18,130
Boy, Larry has
a lot of suits.
253
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:19,239
Oh, he does,
doesn't he?
254
00:08:19,259 --> 00:08:21,089
You know, I like
the purple one the best,
255
00:08:21,110 --> 00:08:22,240
but he hardly
ever wears it.
256
00:08:22,259 --> 00:08:24,109
Oh.
257
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,019
Can I meet Larry now?
258
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,140
Of course you can, uh,
259
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,080
but first, let's make
a yogurt run,
260
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,280
and guess what.
261
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,240
I'll take you to see
Larry's parking space.
262
00:08:33,259 --> 00:08:35,129
Oh.
263
00:08:35,149 --> 00:08:37,179
Uh, you remember
Mary Lou?
264
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,200
Mary Lou.
265
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,180
Uh, she has a lot of
personal problems, sweetheart.
266
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,240
Come on. Let's go.
267
00:08:49,259 --> 00:08:51,059
Okay.
268
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,260
Hi. Excuse me.
Are you Beverly?
269
00:08:52,279 --> 00:08:53,279
Yes.
270
00:08:54,009 --> 00:08:56,009
Hi, I'm Tonya Bailey.
Oh, "People" magazine.
271
00:08:56,029 --> 00:08:57,019
Hi.
Hi, Tonya.
272
00:08:57,039 --> 00:08:59,099
Nice to meet you.
You must be Charlie!
273
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,160
Yeah.
Hi!
274
00:09:00,179 --> 00:09:03,099
So was it exciting,
meeting Larry Sanders?
275
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,080
I don't know.
I haven't met him yet.
276
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,190
Really? Oh.
277
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:10,110
Oh. I thought you would've
wanted to do that first.
278
00:09:10,129 --> 00:09:14,279
Uh, well, actually, I was just
taking Charlie to meet Larry.
279
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,140
I thought you
said we were going
on a yogurt run.
280
00:09:17,159 --> 00:09:19,099
Oh, no, baby,
you got that all wrong.
281
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,220
We're going to go
and get yogurt
282
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,080
after I introduce you
to, um, Larry.
283
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:24,100
Oh.
(chuckling)
284
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,020
Oh. Well, I guess
I'm right on time.
285
00:09:27,039 --> 00:09:28,089
Do you mind
if I tag along?
286
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,030
Let me hear
the other one again.
287
00:09:30,049 --> 00:09:32,029
Oh, Uncle Dennis Rodman's
can of semen,
288
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:34,049
just in case she
wants another kid.
289
00:09:34,070 --> 00:09:35,110
(both laughing)
290
00:09:35,129 --> 00:09:36,139
That's funny.
291
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,029
Excuse me, Larry.
292
00:09:38,049 --> 00:09:40,029
I really think you--
Oh, gosh!
293
00:09:40,049 --> 00:09:42,079
You ought to come out
and say hello to Charlie.
294
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,090
He's right outside.
295
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:44,160
Can it wait?
296
00:09:44,179 --> 00:09:46,149
We're right
in the middle of just--
Let us just finish this.
297
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:49,129
I'm sorry, but the woman
from "People" magazine,
she's here, too.
298
00:09:49,149 --> 00:09:51,239
All right, okay.
Just let's...
299
00:09:51,259 --> 00:09:52,269
just for a minute.
300
00:09:52,289 --> 00:09:55,119
Okay.
Uh, come in.
301
00:09:55,139 --> 00:09:56,189
Hey, Charlie!
302
00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:58,070
Charlie, Larry.
Larry, Charlie.
303
00:09:58,090 --> 00:10:00,020
Hey, good to see you, man.
High-five. All right.
304
00:10:00,039 --> 00:10:01,179
And this is Tonya Bailey
from "People."
305
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,060
Hello, Tonya.
306
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:04,120
Tonya Bailey.
307
00:10:04,139 --> 00:10:06,029
Have a seat, Charlie.
Okay.
308
00:10:06,049 --> 00:10:07,239
We're just going over
a desk piece here.
309
00:10:07,259 --> 00:10:11,019
Why don't you listen in.
Weren't we on the, uh...
310
00:10:11,039 --> 00:10:12,109
Madonna's...
Madonna's baby shower.
311
00:10:12,129 --> 00:10:13,199
Madonna's baby shower.
The gifts, yeah.
312
00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:15,000
Gifts.
Um...
313
00:10:15,019 --> 00:10:16,089
And so then you say...
314
00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:17,100
you hold up
this other piece
315
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,050
and you say, uh...
316
00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:22,030
"All newborn infants need
constant stimulation.
317
00:10:22,049 --> 00:10:23,239
"And so
that's why she has
318
00:10:23,259 --> 00:10:25,999
the Mommy's Former
Lovers mobile."
319
00:10:26,019 --> 00:10:29,259
And it's got pictures of about
1,000 different guys on it.
320
00:10:32,009 --> 00:10:33,139
So, uh...
321
00:10:33,159 --> 00:10:35,099
you got
the Larry Sanders hat.
322
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,150
Uh-huh.
That's good.
323
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,209
What'd they
charge you for that?
324
00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:39,010
(laughter)
325
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:41,069
Why can't I get
a Larry Sanders hat?
326
00:10:41,090 --> 00:10:43,190
You know, this is, uh...
327
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:45,170
much funnier
with the props.
328
00:10:45,190 --> 00:10:48,110
In fact, with the mobile comes
the Sandra Bernhard swing,
329
00:10:48,129 --> 00:10:49,189
and it swings both ways.
330
00:10:49,210 --> 00:10:51,190
Where are you
from originally?
331
00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:53,130
Minnesota.
Minnesota!
332
00:11:16,090 --> 00:11:17,160
Mmm.
333
00:11:17,179 --> 00:11:18,179
Now, I thought
we agreed
334
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,050
that we were going
to keep Charlie
335
00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:21,280
away from Larry
while he was working.
336
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,190
Well, "we" have covered
337
00:11:23,210 --> 00:11:25,080
every damn inch
of this building,
338
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,190
and "we" ran out of ideas.
339
00:11:26,210 --> 00:11:28,240
And then we got cornered
by that reporter
340
00:11:28,259 --> 00:11:31,109
and we had no other choice
but to meet Larry,
341
00:11:31,129 --> 00:11:34,009
but we would love to hear
what we are gonna do next.
342
00:11:34,029 --> 00:11:35,149
(high-pitched beeping)
343
00:11:35,169 --> 00:11:36,279
What is that?
344
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,280
Sounds like Hank's
fire alarm.
345
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,280
What was that?
346
00:11:41,009 --> 00:11:42,149
A-- A fire alarm.
347
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:45,129
Hey, uh... uh...
let me check it out
348
00:11:45,149 --> 00:11:47,289
and then maybe we can get your
picture with the fire marshal.
349
00:11:48,009 --> 00:11:49,199
Okay?
Oh, cool!
350
00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:54,110
Hank-a-rootie!
Hey, man.
351
00:11:54,129 --> 00:11:56,149
Boy, how did you
survive? Heh!
352
00:11:56,169 --> 00:11:59,029
This looks like
Hunter Thompson's pad
353
00:11:59,049 --> 00:12:00,099
in the '60s.
354
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,180
Oh, man, everything's
just soaking wet.
355
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,050
Jesus, only you
could make
356
00:12:04,070 --> 00:12:06,040
these God damn
sprinklers go off
357
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,169
on some of the finest
cigars in the world!
358
00:12:08,190 --> 00:12:10,210
You realize what
a tragedy that is?
359
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,030
Well, it was an accident,
Artie, it was just, uh...
360
00:12:13,049 --> 00:12:14,249
Well, you know
that the Cohiba Espléndido
361
00:12:14,269 --> 00:12:16,089
has a powerful kick.
362
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,100
No shit.
363
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,100
And, uh, I was enjoying
my third one...
364
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,200
Your third?!
Yeah, and, uh...
365
00:12:21,220 --> 00:12:26,020
and I think between the smoke
and my recent blood loss,
366
00:12:26,039 --> 00:12:28,089
that the room just
started to-- to swim,
367
00:12:28,110 --> 00:12:31,020
and I-- next thing I know,
I'm staring up at the ceiling
368
00:12:31,039 --> 00:12:33,179
and the sofa is on fire.
369
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,170
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
370
00:12:35,190 --> 00:12:38,040
These fucking cigars
are absolutely ruined.
371
00:12:38,059 --> 00:12:39,139
(knocking on door)
Yeah?
372
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,169
Um, ahem, I just talked
to maintenance,
373
00:12:41,190 --> 00:12:43,080
and they won't be able
to get a couch in here
374
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,170
until next week.
375
00:12:44,190 --> 00:12:46,280
And until then,
they expect me to do what,
376
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,130
just to go
fuck myself?
377
00:12:48,149 --> 00:12:50,049
Uh, Hank,
your language.
378
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,110
There's a child present.
379
00:12:51,129 --> 00:12:53,269
Yeah.
This is Charlie.
380
00:12:53,289 --> 00:12:55,049
Charlie, we're going
to make old Hank
381
00:12:55,070 --> 00:12:56,100
wash his mouth out
with soap.
382
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,020
Okay, buddy?
Charlie:
Okay.
383
00:12:58,039 --> 00:13:00,049
You know, Charlie is with
the One Wish Foundation.
384
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,220
He's our guest
for the day.
385
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:05,010
Oh, that's wonderful.
I-I believe in clubs for youth.
386
00:13:05,029 --> 00:13:06,999
And, you know, I was
a Boy Scout-- you know that?
387
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:08,239
Ahem! Charlie, we need
to get out of here.
388
00:13:08,259 --> 00:13:10,099
It's kind of wet and...
389
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,240
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Before you go...
390
00:13:11,259 --> 00:13:12,249
Here, have a cigar.
391
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:14,099
Oh, thank you,
Mr. Kingsley.
392
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,260
You're welcome.
You have very nice manners.
393
00:13:15,279 --> 00:13:17,039
And you tell your pals
at your club
394
00:13:17,059 --> 00:13:18,109
that you got
a cigar from...
395
00:13:18,129 --> 00:13:19,119
Hank Kingsley.
There you go.
396
00:13:19,139 --> 00:13:21,069
Uh, let's go.
397
00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:22,130
See you later.
398
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,010
Why did you give
young pipsqueak yonder
399
00:13:26,029 --> 00:13:27,159
a fine Cohiba?
400
00:13:27,179 --> 00:13:29,119
What are you talking about?
It's a memento.
401
00:13:29,139 --> 00:13:31,039
If you're going
to give him a memento,
402
00:13:31,059 --> 00:13:33,039
just give him
a fucking White Owl.
403
00:13:33,059 --> 00:13:36,009
Hey, I better get rid
of these for you, okay?
404
00:13:36,029 --> 00:13:37,019
Thanks, Artie.
405
00:13:37,039 --> 00:13:38,039
Yeah.
406
00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:44,010
Hello there,
Mr. Sexy.
407
00:13:44,029 --> 00:13:45,139
Look at you.
Look at you.
408
00:13:45,159 --> 00:13:47,079
You're so sexy,
I'm getting a woody
409
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:48,140
just looking at you--
look at you.
410
00:13:48,159 --> 00:13:49,259
Don't frighten me,
please.
411
00:13:49,279 --> 00:13:51,189
Okay. I'm not--
I'm not getting weird.
412
00:13:51,210 --> 00:13:53,120
This is just my way
of telling you
413
00:13:53,139 --> 00:13:55,149
that you are officially
one of "People's"
414
00:13:55,169 --> 00:13:58,099
Top 10 Sexiest Men Alive.
415
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,170
Thank you.
416
00:13:59,190 --> 00:14:01,010
You're welcome.
417
00:14:01,029 --> 00:14:02,019
Did you bump Stiller?
418
00:14:02,039 --> 00:14:04,009
Oh, yes, I bumped him.
419
00:14:04,029 --> 00:14:05,139
Hey, Larry,
how you doing?
420
00:14:05,159 --> 00:14:06,149
Hey!
It's Ben Stiller.
421
00:14:06,169 --> 00:14:08,089
How's it going?
Good to see you, man.
422
00:14:08,110 --> 00:14:09,220
God, good to have you
on the show.
423
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,170
Thanks, thanks.
Really, you look great.
424
00:14:11,190 --> 00:14:12,250
Thank you.
Just... you working out?
425
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:14,249
Yeah, a little bit.
Oh, great, great, great.
426
00:14:14,269 --> 00:14:17,029
Hey, your dad's great
on those spots for ESPN.
427
00:14:17,049 --> 00:14:18,179
Just terrific.
Oh, thanks.
428
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,150
Those Vince Lombardi things,
I can't imagine.
429
00:14:20,169 --> 00:14:21,249
He's, you know,
it's a good gig for him.
430
00:14:21,269 --> 00:14:23,039
If I had a dad
in show business...
431
00:14:23,059 --> 00:14:24,099
you've been through
a lot, I'll bet.
432
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,140
You don't even
wanna know.
433
00:14:25,159 --> 00:14:27,039
Have a lot of fun
out there. Seriously.
434
00:14:27,059 --> 00:14:29,059
Okay.
I just--
I'm a big fan.
435
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,120
Oh, thank you, thanks.
What's your name?
436
00:14:31,139 --> 00:14:32,229
Norman Litkey.
Okay.
437
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:34,080
I do PR.
Nice to meet you.
438
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,250
Have a great time.
Thanks. All right.
439
00:14:35,269 --> 00:14:37,019
Okay, I'm happy
to be here.
440
00:14:37,039 --> 00:14:38,049
Thanks for, you know.
Okay.
441
00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:39,060
Okay.
Take care.
442
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,200
Wow. Hey, we are so...
443
00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:42,280
How can you look at yourself
in the mirror in the morning?
444
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,020
It's really
difficult, Larry.
445
00:14:45,039 --> 00:14:46,179
Because I'm not
as sexy as you are.
446
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,150
Oh, please.
Look at you.
You're so s...
447
00:14:48,169 --> 00:14:49,289
Excuse me.
Larry?
448
00:14:50,009 --> 00:14:52,029
Yes? I can't see Charlie
before the show.
449
00:14:52,049 --> 00:14:53,039
I just can't.
450
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,219
Larry, it's not Charlie,
it's Artie.
451
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:57,120
Don't say
a fucking word.
452
00:14:57,139 --> 00:15:00,039
Uh, Larry this is
Inspector Merriweather
453
00:15:00,059 --> 00:15:01,189
of the U.S. Customs
Service.
454
00:15:01,210 --> 00:15:03,050
Mr. Larry Sanders.
Happy to meet you.
455
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,220
Yes. Sorry to have
to bother you
456
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,050
like this, Mr. Sanders.
457
00:15:06,070 --> 00:15:07,140
Oh, it's no
bother at all.
458
00:15:07,159 --> 00:15:08,179
We love to have
members
459
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,030
of our federal
government stop by.
460
00:15:10,049 --> 00:15:13,159
Last year, we had
the Secretary of Agriculture
on the show.
461
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:15,029
Right. Maybe you know him.
Nice guy.
462
00:15:15,049 --> 00:15:16,219
No, sir,
I'm afraid I don't.
463
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,170
Too bad he's
under investigation.
464
00:15:18,190 --> 00:15:20,160
Nice fella.
Big laugher.
465
00:15:20,179 --> 00:15:23,019
Are these your cigars,
Mr. Sanders?
466
00:15:23,039 --> 00:15:25,289
What the hell is this, Jim,
a God damn witch hunt?
467
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:29,119
No, sir. I'm doing my job.
This is a very serious matter.
468
00:15:29,139 --> 00:15:31,249
Importing Cuban cigars
is a criminal offense.
469
00:15:31,269 --> 00:15:35,029
Well, I can assure you that
Mr. Sanders is not a criminal.
470
00:15:35,049 --> 00:15:37,169
That may be,
but I'm not leaving here
471
00:15:37,190 --> 00:15:39,190
until I find out where
these cigars came from.
472
00:15:41,039 --> 00:15:43,279
All right.
I think, in that case,
473
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,210
we shouldn't say another word
until we have a lawyer present,
474
00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:47,220
right, Larry?
475
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,160
Hank--
Hank gave them to me.
476
00:15:49,179 --> 00:15:52,009
What cigars?
I mean...
477
00:15:52,029 --> 00:15:53,179
I don't--
I don't smoke cigars.
478
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,010
They're filthy,
disgusting.
479
00:15:56,029 --> 00:15:59,189
It's like putting
a big turd in your mouth.
480
00:15:59,210 --> 00:16:02,030
Please, Mr. Kingsley,
don't make this difficult.
481
00:16:02,049 --> 00:16:04,029
I know.
I just, uh...
482
00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:06,059
I don't know
anything about cigars.
483
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,270
Really? Well, uh...
484
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,160
what do you keep
in this humidor?
485
00:16:12,049 --> 00:16:13,249
Taffy.
486
00:16:13,269 --> 00:16:15,089
Taffy?
487
00:16:15,110 --> 00:16:17,130
Yeah. Yeah, I chew taffy.
488
00:16:17,149 --> 00:16:19,269
What is that?
Is that a crime?
489
00:16:19,289 --> 00:16:23,089
Well, then how do you explain
the smell in this room
490
00:16:23,110 --> 00:16:25,290
and the fact that
your couch is burned?
491
00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:29,110
Hot plate.
492
00:16:29,129 --> 00:16:31,019
Huh.
493
00:16:31,039 --> 00:16:33,049
Well, Mr. Sanders says
that you, uh...
494
00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:34,280
you gave him
this box of cigars.
495
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,050
(scoffs)
That fucker.
496
00:16:37,070 --> 00:16:38,210
Yes, sir.
497
00:16:39,259 --> 00:16:41,119
So now I'm afraid
you're under arrest
498
00:16:41,139 --> 00:16:44,159
for importing and distributing
contraband merchandise.
499
00:16:44,179 --> 00:16:46,039
Jesus Christ!
500
00:16:46,059 --> 00:16:48,059
I'll let you do the show,
501
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,260
but immediately afterward,
we'll have to go downtown
502
00:16:51,279 --> 00:16:54,089
to, uh, process
your arrest.
503
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,000
Who are you?
504
00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,289
Tonya Bailey,
"People" magazine.
505
00:17:01,009 --> 00:17:02,289
Oh, fuck me.
506
00:17:03,009 --> 00:17:05,099
(blow dryer whirring)
507
00:17:07,210 --> 00:17:09,110
(sniffling)
508
00:17:09,130 --> 00:17:11,020
I'm sorry, I just...
509
00:17:11,039 --> 00:17:13,139
I just have really bad
allergies this time of year.
510
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,080
Oh, it's okay.
511
00:17:15,099 --> 00:17:19,089
I can't believe Hank
gave you a Cohiba Robusto.
512
00:17:19,109 --> 00:17:20,259
These rock.
513
00:17:20,279 --> 00:17:23,279
Oh, I never smoked
a cigar before.
514
00:17:25,039 --> 00:17:26,219
How old are you?
515
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,060
14.
516
00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:32,119
You know...
517
00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:37,020
I was 14 when I smoked
my first cigar.
518
00:17:37,039 --> 00:17:38,069
Who are you dating now?
519
00:17:38,089 --> 00:17:39,229
(laughing)
520
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:41,230
Anybody you'd wanna
talk about?
521
00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:43,270
Nobody I could
talk about publicly,
522
00:17:43,289 --> 00:17:46,089
but, uh, I could...
No, not really actually.
523
00:17:46,109 --> 00:17:49,059
I'm kind of in, you know,
after-relationship,
524
00:17:49,079 --> 00:17:53,089
kind of not interested,
but I did actually, uh...
525
00:17:53,109 --> 00:17:55,069
get in touch with somebody
from my past.
526
00:17:55,089 --> 00:17:57,029
I was on another
talk show recently,
527
00:17:57,049 --> 00:17:59,039
and I told the story
about my first kiss...
528
00:17:59,059 --> 00:18:00,049
Right.
529
00:18:00,069 --> 00:18:01,099
When I was 12 years old
530
00:18:01,119 --> 00:18:02,999
in camp, and I mentioned
the girl's name.
531
00:18:03,019 --> 00:18:05,139
Yeah.
And about a month later,
532
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,240
I got a call from her.
533
00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:08,199
Or I got, I, you know,
somebody contacted me
534
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,120
and said she wanted
to get in touch with me.
535
00:18:10,140 --> 00:18:12,250
And she sent me a picture
and she looked pretty good.
536
00:18:12,269 --> 00:18:15,069
So, you know,
I'm considering...
537
00:18:15,089 --> 00:18:18,059
(laughing)
I'm considering a plane trip,
and, you know...
538
00:18:18,079 --> 00:18:20,089
Might be the price
of a ticket.
I understand.
539
00:18:20,109 --> 00:18:23,179
So it's not easy for
you to get dates, huh?
540
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,050
Why don't we
take a break?
541
00:18:25,069 --> 00:18:27,229
And we'll come right back
after this, uh,
542
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:28,240
after this break.
543
00:18:28,259 --> 00:18:30,129
More with Ben Stiller.
544
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:32,100
(cheering and applause)
545
00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:33,209
Man:
Clear!
546
00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:37,250
Very funny.
547
00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:40,220
You look good.
548
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,080
Have you been
working out a lot?
549
00:18:42,099 --> 00:18:44,139
Because, um... seriously,
550
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:47,080
you really look like
you're, uh, pumped up.
551
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:50,260
Chiseled.
552
00:18:50,279 --> 00:18:52,009
Really good.
553
00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:54,240
How'd that low-fat...
554
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:57,139
Oh, shut up, all right?
555
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,060
I know you had me
bumped from the list.
556
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:01,220
(scoffs)
What list?
557
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,020
"What list?"
558
00:19:04,039 --> 00:19:06,089
Sexiest Man Alive list?
559
00:19:06,109 --> 00:19:08,229
Where did you hear that?
560
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:13,219
You're an asshole, Hank.
561
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,240
Yeah, well, thanks for
ratting me out to the feds.
562
00:19:15,259 --> 00:19:17,039
Speaking of assholes...
563
00:19:18,079 --> 00:19:20,169
Jesus, is everybody
on this show an asshole?
564
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,209
What are you doing?
565
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:27,070
There's a show--
We're in the middle of a show.
566
00:19:27,089 --> 00:19:28,219
Are you telling me
what to do?
567
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,090
Are you telling me
what to do?
568
00:19:30,109 --> 00:19:31,159
'Cause I really
don't respond well
569
00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:33,110
to people who
tell me what to do.
570
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,130
You know, there's an audience
sitting right there, so...
571
00:19:35,150 --> 00:19:37,210
There is?
Oh, my God! Hey!
572
00:19:37,230 --> 00:19:39,150
Hey, everybody!
Hey, look at Larry,
573
00:19:39,170 --> 00:19:42,190
the big fat asshole!
Whoo!
574
00:19:42,210 --> 00:19:43,260
Asshole man!
575
00:19:43,279 --> 00:19:46,179
(applause)
576
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,180
What is...
What is the, uh, problem?
577
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,110
Oh, don't play
Jenny Jones on me.
578
00:19:50,130 --> 00:19:52,160
You know exactly
what the fuck you did!
579
00:19:52,180 --> 00:19:53,270
All right? You know,
I heard the car show
580
00:19:53,289 --> 00:19:54,999
is in town next week.
581
00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:56,119
Maybe if you suck off
Lee Iacocca,
582
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:57,240
he'll give you
Miss Auto Parts.
583
00:19:57,259 --> 00:20:00,019
You know, I deserve
to be on the list, okay?
584
00:20:00,039 --> 00:20:01,099
I think you deserve
to be on the list.
585
00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:02,149
You're right.
You really--
586
00:20:02,170 --> 00:20:05,140
You definitely deserve
to be on the list.
587
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,070
I wish you could see
how Jewish you look right now.
588
00:20:07,089 --> 00:20:08,199
You know?
It's unbelievable.
589
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:09,220
That's incredible
coming from
590
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,240
a self-hating Jew
like yourself.
591
00:20:10,259 --> 00:20:12,039
What time is the collar
due back?
592
00:20:12,059 --> 00:20:14,059
Listen, I just want you to
know that if I go to prison,
593
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:15,159
you don't have
to come visit me
594
00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:17,100
because you've already
fucked me in the ass.
595
00:20:17,119 --> 00:20:18,109
What the hell is going on?
596
00:20:18,130 --> 00:20:19,190
Sounds like a fucking
hockey game!
597
00:20:19,210 --> 00:20:21,130
We got 30 seconds to get
our asses back on the set.
598
00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:22,290
Really? Well, I wonder
how you're going to get
599
00:20:23,009 --> 00:20:24,239
another guest
in 30 seconds!
600
00:20:24,259 --> 00:20:26,139
Wait a minute, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
601
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,130
(overlapping shouting)
602
00:20:28,150 --> 00:20:31,100
Larry! Guys!
603
00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:33,259
Charlie's sick. We gotta
get him to the hospital.
604
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,199
Ben Stiller:
Who's that kid?
605
00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:41,020
That's the kid
from, uh...
606
00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:43,149
the One Wish Foundation.
607
00:20:43,170 --> 00:20:45,050
Okay, gentlemen,
608
00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:48,229
we've got to do
this show for Charlie.
609
00:20:48,250 --> 00:20:50,130
We're back with,
uh, Ben Stiller.
610
00:20:50,150 --> 00:20:53,080
And, um, uh...
before we move on,
611
00:20:53,099 --> 00:20:56,219
I just want to say to
a special friend of ours, uh...
612
00:20:56,240 --> 00:21:00,200
Charlie, who, uh, should be
watching the show tonight,
613
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:02,030
we're with you,
buddy.
614
00:21:02,049 --> 00:21:03,099
Hope you feel better.
615
00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:05,179
Yeah, Charlie,
I don't know you,
616
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,230
and I've never really
talked to you,
617
00:21:07,250 --> 00:21:08,260
but I heard a lot about you.
618
00:21:08,279 --> 00:21:11,079
I feel like I know you,
so just, um...
619
00:21:11,099 --> 00:21:13,089
hang in there, buddy.
620
00:21:13,109 --> 00:21:14,169
Hank, anything
to say to Charlie
621
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:15,200
before we move on?
622
00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:16,210
No.
623
00:21:16,230 --> 00:21:18,010
(scattered laughter)
624
00:21:18,029 --> 00:21:19,139
Hank's had a bad day.
625
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,170
(laughter)
626
00:21:20,190 --> 00:21:22,000
Now, you have
a funny story
627
00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:23,199
about Mary Tyler Moore?
628
00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:25,270
Artie, I just heard
from Charlie's aunt,
629
00:21:25,289 --> 00:21:27,019
and he's gonna be fine.
630
00:21:27,039 --> 00:21:28,179
That's good news.
631
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,290
Apparently someone let him
smoke one of Hank's cigars,
632
00:21:31,009 --> 00:21:32,079
and he--
and he got sick.
633
00:21:32,099 --> 00:21:33,289
It was only
a couple of puffs.
634
00:21:34,009 --> 00:21:35,029
You know,
I cannot believe
635
00:21:35,049 --> 00:21:36,249
you could do that
to a child, Mary Lou.
636
00:21:36,269 --> 00:21:40,089
He wanted to, and it was
really just a couple of puffs.
637
00:21:40,109 --> 00:21:41,189
Yeah, but he is a child.
Ladies, please.
638
00:21:41,210 --> 00:21:44,240
You are ruining
my post-show high!
639
00:21:44,259 --> 00:21:47,089
The important thing is that
Charlie had a good time.
640
00:21:47,109 --> 00:21:48,199
He's a great kid.
641
00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:51,190
At least we were able to
make him happy for one day.
642
00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:54,230
Um, Artie, there's
one more thing.
643
00:21:54,250 --> 00:21:55,290
Um...
644
00:21:56,009 --> 00:21:58,049
Charlie has asked
for a second wish.
645
00:21:58,069 --> 00:22:00,169
♪ ♪
46269
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