Original subtitles

Mr. Sanders, are you ready for some good news?

Yes, I am. Great.

Because, you know, as a publicist,

good news is my business.

Get on with it. All right.

Artie, I'm just trying to enjoy it a little bit.

Let him have his fun, Artie.

Thank you. Now, are you ready for some good news?

'Cause I'm wetting myself.

Yes, yes. I think we all are.

Here it comes.

Artie, please.

I told "People" magazine

that we were having the sick boy come visit us

from the One Wish Foundation.

Was that today? Yeah.

You got us one that's not in a wheelchair this time, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you wouldn't even know he's sick.

It's something, um... ahem, internal.

Now, you ready for the good news?

Yep.

"People" magazine is sending their best reporter

to write a full-page article about it.

What about the Top 10 Sexiest Men Alive list, Norman?

I mean, you promised me.

Now, I have been trying to get you on it.

Larry, as it turns out, you're number 11.

We are in competition on this thing

with every major motion picture studio!

No one from television ever gets on it.

What about George Clooney?

Well, he's Batman, for Christ's sake. Yeah.

I mean, do you know the kind of publicity machine Warner Bros. has?

They could get Elmer Fucking Fudd on that list.

But, Norman, you promised me.

Artie: Hank Kingsley,

international cigar smuggler.

Buenas dias, mis amigos.

I come bearing gifts.

The finest in illegal smoking pleasure from...

Cuba.

For Señor Larry, una Cohiba Robusto.

For Señor Arturo, Partagas.

Ah, chinga tu madre. Hey!

(sniffs) Chihuahua, pendejo!

Wow, where do you get those, Hank?

Oh, I get these from a guy named Nuña.

Nuña?

Yeah, like in nuña your God damn business.

(laughing)

Hank, you better watch that inhaling.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Come on. Lighten up.

Have a cigar on me. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I got these from Antonio Banderas.

He gave me that last night.

He's celebrating making the Sexiest Men Alive list.

Which he can't get me on, by the way.

Oh, it's very hard. Very hard.

I tried to get on last year, and the fuckers,

they put me between Dennis Frantz and Hector Elizondo

on the Can You Recognize These Bald Heads? game.

Were you the one on the left or right?

I couldn't get Patrick Stewart

on that thing.

Oh, for the love of fuck.

Better keep that away from your crotch,

or you'll end up on the Dickless Wonder list.

Artie, you better not let the fire marshal

catch you doing that.

No wonder the office smells like wet manure.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Come here a minute. What?

I gotta talk to you about our sick little friend.

You mean Charlie?

I was just on my way down to get him.

I don't want to be unfeeling, but...

you got to keep that kid away from Larry.

Artie, that unfortunate child has one wish,

and that wish is to meet Larry Sanders.

Don't you know how sensitive and fragile Larry is?

Remember the show when Joan Embery

brought in the baby fawn

whose mother had died in a brush fire?

Yeah.

Larry couldn't stop crying

even when the Fly Girls were dancing.

He just kept blubbering about the fucking baby fawn's mother

cooking in a brush fire.

Now, that was the worst show we ever had.

Now, do you want that to happen again with that nosy reporter

from "People" magazine hanging around?

Okay. I understand, Artie.

Okay. Thank you.

And what in the world can that thing do for you?

It's a guy's thing, baby.

Don't sweat it.

Maybe you should wear your driving gloves when you smoke.

Maybe you should take your pants off and blow yourself.

Don't be so cranky.

My finger hurts.

I know. There we go.

See, at the Havana Room, you know what they do?

They cut your cigar for you.

I mean, these people,

they know how to treat their celebrity clientele.

(buzzing)

What the fuck is that?

It's a fan.

What, is that, like, a gay thing?

No, this is a gay thing.

Put the fan down.

No. You put the cigar down.

Put the fan down.

Put the cigar down.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

All right, let's be... Let's be adults.

Okay. All right, on three...

One, two, three. One, two, three.

(buzzing stops)

Here we go. (beep)

Oh, look at this. That's a clear fax.

That's a beautiful machine. Is this anti-curl paper?

Is that it? I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah.

Now, look, you know, if you want,

I could try to get one of those names bumped off the list.

Then we'd be home free.

Let's see. "Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, George..."

Ah, I see vulnerability! "Ben Stiller."

Right. He's gonna be the easiest one to bump.

Yeah, but you know,

God, I mean, Ben's a friend of mine

and, uh... he's on the show tonight.

Larry, he'll never know it's you.

Believe me, in the world of publicity,

this kind of stuff happens all the time, right?

No. I can't... I can't... I can't say...

let's bump Ben Stiller, so...

Okay, but you know what?

You don't actually have to say "bump him."

You know what? I'm gonna count to 10,

and, if at the end of it, you haven't said anything,

then I'm gonna take it to mean that he's bumped, okay?

One, two, three, four... Ah, Christ sakes.

We don't have fucking time for this.

Six... He's right.

Just fucking bump him. Okay.

"Dean Cain, three boxes, Charlie Sheen, two boxes,

Jason Priestley, nine boxes."

That kid's a chimney.

Hank, um...

I said that I was okay getting the cigars

from the airport. Yeah.

And I am, but, uh...

lately I've gotten really nervous.

Um, the last time I went,

there was a flight in from Jamaica just ahead of me.

So there were all these cops and drug dogs,

and one of the dogs lunged at me.

And if I didn't have a biscuit on me,

it would've taken my arm off.

Oh, get a dick, will you?

Hey wait, you're famous, huh?

Yeah.

Were you in "Ghostbusters"?

No. That was Bill Murray.

Well, how about "Blues Brothers"?

No. That was my brother John.

Well, what were you in?

Well, you might've seen "K-9."

Oh, yeah. That dog was cute.

What's it like working with a dog?

Pain in the ass.

So, um, this is it? What do you think?

Nice, isn't it? Can I meet Larry now?

Of course you can, honey. We'll see if he's around.

But first, why don't we say hello to everyone else?

Uh, Mary Lou, this is Charlie,

our friend from the One Wish Foundation.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

This area here is the bull pen.

Computers-- Can I meet Larry now?

Yeah, of course, but, um...

first, let's say hello to Phil.

What's he do?

He writes Larry's jokes.

Oh.

Phil, this is Charlie.

Hi. Hey.

Beverly, I didn't know you had a kid.

Charlie is our friend from the One Wish Foundation.

Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey, how's it going there?

Good.

Uh, Phil, um... maybe you can show Charlie

how you put the... monologues on the cue cards.

Oh, wow. You know, I wish I knew how to do that myself.

Nice to meet you, Charlie.

Well, I guess you can tell

we're really busy around here.

Uh-huh. You're so cute.

I wanna meet Larry now.

Um, I don't know where he is, but...

He's in his office, Beverly.

Thank you, Brian.

I'll tell you what.

I'll take you down to the director's booth

and I can show you how they work down there,

and then we'll come back and we'll see Larry.

Okay. (laughing) Okay.

The kid creeps me out.

Yeah, I know.

It's really hard to be around someone who's ill.

No, I don't give a shit about that.

I just think it's weird someone's last wish

is to meet Larry. (chuckles)

Help me here, you know. I don't understand.

You told me you'd have my Cohiba Robustos here today.

Yes. Right?

Right. And there's-- but, you see,

well, there's a certain amount of discretion

that goes into this, and little Felipe

needs a full moon to make the swim.

Hank, that's bullshit. You know that's bullshit.

Now, come on. I drove all the way in from the Westside

to be here to pick up those Robustos.

Okay, okay, look.

Hank, I'm serious. I'm a serious smoker.

I'm serious about these...

Jimbo, Jimbo, please.

There's no need to be angry.

Here. Why don't you take one of my Macanudos

to tide you over... go ahead.

Thanks, Hank.

This'll get me all the way to my car.

I can't believe I actually introduced you

to Dolph Lundgren.

Hey, Jimmy.

Hey, Larry, how you doing? Hey, good to see you.

Hey, whoa, whoa. What is that?

Is that a Cohiba Robusto you're smoking?

I-- I guess so, yeah.

You got another one of those?

Uh, no. No. How's the new show going?

Well, we're, uh... you know, we're...

Retooling? Yeah, yeah. Retooling.

Well, I'm sure it's going to be great.

Yeah, I know. It's gonna to be a great show.

All right. Well, good luck.

Wish I had another one.

So, uh, that was the, uh, wardrobe room.

Boy, Larry has a lot of suits.

Oh, he does, doesn't he?

You know, I like the purple one the best,

but he hardly ever wears it.

Oh.

Can I meet Larry now?

Of course you can, uh,

but first, let's make a yogurt run,

and guess what.

I'll take you to see Larry's parking space.

Oh.

Uh, you remember Mary Lou?

Mary Lou.

Uh, she has a lot of personal problems, sweetheart.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay.

Hi. Excuse me. Are you Beverly?

Yes.

Hi, I'm Tonya Bailey. Oh, "People" magazine.

Hi. Hi, Tonya.

Nice to meet you. You must be Charlie!

Yeah. Hi!

So was it exciting, meeting Larry Sanders?

I don't know. I haven't met him yet.

Really? Oh.

Oh. I thought you would've wanted to do that first.

Uh, well, actually, I was just taking Charlie to meet Larry.

I thought you said we were going on a yogurt run.

Oh, no, baby, you got that all wrong.

We're going to go and get yogurt

after I introduce you to, um, Larry.

Oh. (chuckling)

Oh. Well, I guess I'm right on time.

Do you mind if I tag along?

Let me hear the other one again.

Oh, Uncle Dennis Rodman's can of semen,

just in case she wants another kid.

(both laughing)

That's funny.

Excuse me, Larry.

I really think you-- Oh, gosh!

You ought to come out and say hello to Charlie.

He's right outside.

Can it wait?

We're right in the middle of just-- Let us just finish this.

I'm sorry, but the woman from "People" magazine, she's here, too.

All right, okay. Just let's...

just for a minute.

Okay. Uh, come in.

Hey, Charlie!

Charlie, Larry. Larry, Charlie.

Hey, good to see you, man. High-five. All right.

And this is Tonya Bailey from "People."

Hello, Tonya.

Tonya Bailey.

Have a seat, Charlie. Okay.

We're just going over a desk piece here.

Why don't you listen in. Weren't we on the, uh...

Madonna's... Madonna's baby shower.

Madonna's baby shower. The gifts, yeah.

Gifts. Um...

And so then you say...

you hold up this other piece

and you say, uh...

"All newborn infants need constant stimulation.

"And so that's why she has

the Mommy's Former Lovers mobile."

And it's got pictures of about 1,000 different guys on it.

So, uh...

you got the Larry Sanders hat.

Uh-huh. That's good.

What'd they charge you for that?

(laughter)

Why can't I get a Larry Sanders hat?

You know, this is, uh...

much funnier with the props.

In fact, with the mobile comes the Sandra Bernhard swing,

and it swings both ways.

Where are you from originally?

Minnesota. Minnesota!

Mmm.

Now, I thought we agreed

that we were going to keep Charlie

away from Larry while he was working.

Well, "we" have covered

every damn inch of this building,

and "we" ran out of ideas.

And then we got cornered by that reporter

and we had no other choice but to meet Larry,

but we would love to hear what we are gonna do next.

(high-pitched beeping)

What is that?

Sounds like Hank's fire alarm.

What was that?

A-- A fire alarm.

Hey, uh... uh... let me check it out

and then maybe we can get your picture with the fire marshal.

Okay? Oh, cool!

Hank-a-rootie! Hey, man.

Boy, how did you survive? Heh!

This looks like Hunter Thompson's pad

in the '60s.

Oh, man, everything's just soaking wet.

Jesus, only you could make

these God damn sprinklers go off

on some of the finest cigars in the world!

You realize what a tragedy that is?

Well, it was an accident, Artie, it was just, uh...

Well, you know that the Cohiba Espléndido

has a powerful kick.

No shit.

And, uh, I was enjoying my third one...

Your third?! Yeah, and, uh...

and I think between the smoke and my recent blood loss,

that the room just started to-- to swim,

and I-- next thing I know, I'm staring up at the ceiling

and the sofa is on fire.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

These fucking cigars are absolutely ruined.

(knocking on door) Yeah?

Um, ahem, I just talked to maintenance,

and they won't be able to get a couch in here

until next week.

And until then, they expect me to do what,

just to go fuck myself?

Uh, Hank, your language.

There's a child present.

Yeah. This is Charlie.

Charlie, we're going to make old Hank

wash his mouth out with soap.

Okay, buddy? Charlie: Okay.

You know, Charlie is with the One Wish Foundation.

He's our guest for the day.

Oh, that's wonderful. I-I believe in clubs for youth.

And, you know, I was a Boy Scout-- you know that?

Ahem! Charlie, we need to get out of here.

It's kind of wet and...

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Before you go...

Here, have a cigar.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Kingsley.

You're welcome. You have very nice manners.

And you tell your pals at your club

that you got a cigar from...

Hank Kingsley. There you go.

Uh, let's go.

See you later.

Why did you give young pipsqueak yonder

a fine Cohiba?

What are you talking about? It's a memento.

If you're going to give him a memento,

just give him a fucking White Owl.

Hey, I better get rid of these for you, okay?

Thanks, Artie.

Yeah.

Hello there, Mr. Sexy.

Look at you. Look at you.

You're so sexy, I'm getting a woody

just looking at you-- look at you.

Don't frighten me, please.

Okay. I'm not-- I'm not getting weird.

This is just my way of telling you

that you are officially one of "People's"

Top 10 Sexiest Men Alive.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Did you bump Stiller?

Oh, yes, I bumped him.

Hey, Larry, how you doing?

Hey! It's Ben Stiller.

How's it going? Good to see you, man.

God, good to have you on the show.

Thanks, thanks. Really, you look great.

Thank you. Just... you working out?

Yeah, a little bit. Oh, great, great, great.

Hey, your dad's great on those spots for ESPN.

Just terrific. Oh, thanks.

Those Vince Lombardi things, I can't imagine.

He's, you know, it's a good gig for him.

If I had a dad in show business...

you've been through a lot, I'll bet.

You don't even wanna know.

Have a lot of fun out there. Seriously.

Okay. I just-- I'm a big fan.

Oh, thank you, thanks. What's your name?

Norman Litkey. Okay.

I do PR. Nice to meet you.

Have a great time. Thanks. All right.

Okay, I'm happy to be here.

Thanks for, you know. Okay.

Okay. Take care.

Wow. Hey, we are so...

How can you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning?

It's really difficult, Larry.

Because I'm not as sexy as you are.

Oh, please. Look at you. You're so s...

Excuse me. Larry?

Yes? I can't see Charlie before the show.

I just can't.

Larry, it's not Charlie, it's Artie.

Don't say a fucking word.

Uh, Larry this is Inspector Merriweather

of the U.S. Customs Service.

Mr. Larry Sanders. Happy to meet you.

Yes. Sorry to have to bother you

like this, Mr. Sanders.

Oh, it's no bother at all.

We love to have members

of our federal government stop by.

Last year, we had the Secretary of Agriculture on the show.

Right. Maybe you know him. Nice guy.

No, sir, I'm afraid I don't.

Too bad he's under investigation.

Nice fella. Big laugher.

Are these your cigars, Mr. Sanders?

What the hell is this, Jim, a God damn witch hunt?

No, sir. I'm doing my job. This is a very serious matter.

Importing Cuban cigars is a criminal offense.

Well, I can assure you that Mr. Sanders is not a criminal.

That may be, but I'm not leaving here

until I find out where these cigars came from.

All right. I think, in that case,

we shouldn't say another word until we have a lawyer present,

right, Larry?

Hank-- Hank gave them to me.

What cigars? I mean...

I don't-- I don't smoke cigars.

They're filthy, disgusting.

It's like putting a big turd in your mouth.

Please, Mr. Kingsley, don't make this difficult.

I know. I just, uh...

I don't know anything about cigars.

Really? Well, uh...

what do you keep in this humidor?

Taffy.

Taffy?

Yeah. Yeah, I chew taffy.

What is that? Is that a crime?

Well, then how do you explain the smell in this room

and the fact that your couch is burned?

Hot plate.

Huh.

Well, Mr. Sanders says that you, uh...

you gave him this box of cigars.

(scoffs) That fucker.

Yes, sir.

So now I'm afraid you're under arrest

for importing and distributing contraband merchandise.

Jesus Christ!

I'll let you do the show,

but immediately afterward, we'll have to go downtown

to, uh, process your arrest.

Who are you?

Tonya Bailey, "People" magazine.

Oh, fuck me.

(blow dryer whirring)

(sniffling)

I'm sorry, I just...

I just have really bad allergies this time of year.

Oh, it's okay.

I can't believe Hank gave you a Cohiba Robusto.

These rock.

Oh, I never smoked a cigar before.

How old are you?

14.

You know...

I was 14 when I smoked my first cigar.

Who are you dating now?

(laughing)

Anybody you'd wanna talk about?

Nobody I could talk about publicly,

but, uh, I could... No, not really actually.

I'm kind of in, you know, after-relationship,

kind of not interested, but I did actually, uh...

get in touch with somebody from my past.

I was on another talk show recently,

and I told the story about my first kiss...

Right.

When I was 12 years old

in camp, and I mentioned the girl's name.

Yeah. And about a month later,

I got a call from her.

Or I got, I, you know, somebody contacted me

and said she wanted to get in touch with me.

And she sent me a picture and she looked pretty good.

So, you know, I'm considering...

(laughing) I'm considering a plane trip, and, you know...

Might be the price of a ticket. I understand.

So it's not easy for you to get dates, huh?

Why don't we take a break?

And we'll come right back after this, uh,

after this break.

More with Ben Stiller.

(cheering and applause)

Man: Clear!

Very funny.

You look good.

Have you been working out a lot?

Because, um... seriously,

you really look like you're, uh, pumped up.

Chiseled.

Really good.

How'd that low-fat...

Oh, shut up, all right?

I know you had me bumped from the list.

(scoffs) What list?

"What list?"

Sexiest Man Alive list?

Where did you hear that?

You're an asshole, Hank.

Yeah, well, thanks for ratting me out to the feds.

Speaking of assholes...

Jesus, is everybody on this show an asshole?

What are you doing?

There's a show-- We're in the middle of a show.

Are you telling me what to do?

Are you telling me what to do?

'Cause I really don't respond well

to people who tell me what to do.

You know, there's an audience sitting right there, so...

There is? Oh, my God! Hey!

Hey, everybody! Hey, look at Larry,

the big fat asshole! Whoo!

Asshole man!

(applause)

What is... What is the, uh, problem?

Oh, don't play Jenny Jones on me.

You know exactly what the fuck you did!

All right? You know, I heard the car show

is in town next week.

Maybe if you suck off Lee Iacocca,

he'll give you Miss Auto Parts.

You know, I deserve to be on the list, okay?

I think you deserve to be on the list.

You're right. You really--

You definitely deserve to be on the list.

I wish you could see how Jewish you look right now.

You know? It's unbelievable.

That's incredible coming from

a self-hating Jew like yourself.

What time is the collar due back?

Listen, I just want you to know that if I go to prison,

you don't have to come visit me

because you've already fucked me in the ass.

What the hell is going on?

Sounds like a fucking hockey game!

We got 30 seconds to get our asses back on the set.

Really? Well, I wonder how you're going to get

another guest in 30 seconds!

Wait a minute, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(overlapping shouting)

Larry! Guys!

Charlie's sick. We gotta get him to the hospital.

Ben Stiller: Who's that kid?

That's the kid from, uh...

the One Wish Foundation.

Okay, gentlemen,

we've got to do this show for Charlie.

We're back with, uh, Ben Stiller.

And, um, uh... before we move on,

I just want to say to a special friend of ours, uh...

Charlie, who, uh, should be watching the show tonight,

we're with you, buddy.

Hope you feel better.

Yeah, Charlie, I don't know you,

and I've never really talked to you,

but I heard a lot about you.

I feel like I know you, so just, um...

hang in there, buddy.

Hank, anything to say to Charlie

before we move on?

No.

(scattered laughter)

Hank's had a bad day.

(laughter)

Now, you have a funny story

about Mary Tyler Moore?

Artie, I just heard from Charlie's aunt,

and he's gonna be fine.

That's good news.

Apparently someone let him smoke one of Hank's cigars,

and he-- and he got sick.

It was only a couple of puffs.

You know, I cannot believe

you could do that to a child, Mary Lou.

He wanted to, and it was really just a couple of puffs.

Yeah, but he is a child. Ladies, please.

You are ruining my post-show high!

The important thing is that Charlie had a good time.

He's a great kid.

At least we were able to make him happy for one day.

Um, Artie, there's one more thing.

Um...

Charlie has asked for a second wish.

♪ ♪