All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E01_English

Arthur, we're very excited
about having Jon Stewart

host the show again this week.

Yes, it's going
to be a great week.

Yeah, who are
Jon's guests?

Well, on Monday,
we have the bad boy

of drive-time radio,
Don Imus.

We have
the irrepressible Jackée.

And we have one
of the stars of "Friends."

Really? Which one?

George Mcatee.

He's a wonderful
character actor.

He played the janitor with
the shaky leg on episode 14.

I see.

And on Tuesday,
in the first 15 minutes,

Mr. Jon Stewart
will be interviewing

a musician, a journalist,
and a sportscaster.

How, may you ask?

Well, they're all
the same man: John Tesh.

Arthur, when Jon Stewart's
contract

with World-Wide Pants
expires,

he will be able to go
to any network he wants,

and we want him here.

You mean,
to go on after Larry?

Well, surely you don't mean
for him to go on before Larry?

Well, of course not, no.
That would be the news.

Well, the only alternative

is to go on
at the same time as Larry.

Arthur, we realize that
this is difficult for you.

Yeah? How so?

Roger Bingham feels
very strongly about Jon.

So, you're grooming Jon?

We just wanna make sure
we have a backup quarterback.

Oh, well,
that's different, ha.

I thought you wanted
Jon Stewart

as the permanent
guest host.

Arthur. Arthur.

A permanent guest host
is a backup quarterback.

Ooh, I'm so sorry,
Melanie.

I don't follow sports.

I love those earrings.

Well, when is
the network so concerned

about who Jon Stewart's
guests are?

Well, they just want him
to have a good lineup, as do we.

They just wanna make sure

they build Jon Stewart
a following.

That's what
they did to Johnny.

They gave Jay bigger
and bigger guests,

so he got high ratings.
The next thing you knew,

he was
a permanent guest host,

And then all of a sudden,
there's no Johnny.

You really believe that?

Yes, I do.

Brian.

Mm-hmm?

I got a problem.
You gotta help me with it.

Okay, what's wrong?

Well, I don't know which car
to drive home tonight.

My-my Bentley or my,
uh, my Jensen-Healey.

It's here?

(laughs)
No, it's coming.

I called Elvis Costello.
I told him

I could not wait until he did
the show to get my new baby,

And he's agreed to drop it off,
and he's on his way.

(laughs)
Oh, wow!

You know, Hank,
you're gonna look

just like James Bond
in that car.

You think?
I do.

My God, if this car gets me
just one-third the pussy

that man got,
I'd die a happy man.

Don't put yourself down.
I bet you get half.

Thank you.

I have a delivery
for Mr. Hank Kingsley.

There you are.
What-what took you so long?

Oh, I just had to take her out
for one more spin.

I found a stretch
of the Pacific Coast Highway

and, you know...
Rrr! Rrr!

(laughs)
Rrr! Rrr! Rrr!

She's a beauty.
I'm gonna miss her.

Why are you selling it,
Mr. Costello?

Uh, Brian.
It's a good question.

I don't wanna be one of those
sad male menopause guys,

you know, drivin' around
in their sports car,

you know, looking for pussy.

Mmm, nothing sadder.

Be good to her,
she'll be good to you.

Thank you, mate.
See you on the show.

All right.
Thanks, mate.

(laughs)

He seems
like a really nice guy.

Oh, he's a great guy.

He's a terrible
negotiator, though.

Oh?
Yeah. Well,
that's the English weakness.

I didn't know that.
Oh, sure.

That's why they sold
Alaska to us for...

for nothing.
Huh.

Give him
anybody you want.

What about
Juliana Margulies?

Well, except for her.
'Cause, you know,

she flirts with me,
the audience loves it.

All right. Uh,
Hootie and the Blowfish.

I just skipped
their concert

'cause I knew they were
gonna be on the show.

Jesus Christ.
David Duchovny?

Well, he's
a buddy of mine.
I know.

So, come on.
He calls me every night.

I know. I think he's got
a little crush on you.

Larry:
By Louis Farrakhan's account,
we have 750,000 here tonight.

(laughter and applause)

You know, there's so many, um...

things in the news.

Madonna, of course,
had her, uh, baby,

and, uh, gee, this is
the first time in a long time

someone was actually trying
to get out of Madonna.

(audience laughs)

Madonna's baby
is already, uh, talking.

Did you know that?
Just-just already talking,

calling her, uh, mom, "Mama,"

calling her dad "sperm donor."

(audience laughs)

You know...
(telephone rings)

(rings)

Hello?

David Duchovny:
Hello, uh, Mr. Sanders,

can I speak
to your son Larry?

(laughs)
Duchovny?

Yeah. How you doin'?

Good. I'm just
watchin' the show.

I'm just bored up here.

Where are you?

You know, Canada.
It's like "The Shining" up here.

This damn show.

The show's is going great.
You're doing great.

Oh, well, thank you.

God, well, I just
told you that last night.

I'm gonna be in town
next week, actually,
that's why I'm callin'.

Oh, great.
Yeah.

Great. Hey, I'm off
all next week.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

You wanna play some ball?

Yeah, let's play some ball.

I'm gonna be renting
a house out at the beach.

You wanna come
spend some time out there?

Yeah, that'd be fun.

I miss spending time
with you, you know?

Talkin' on the phone's okay,

but, I, you know,
I just miss seein' ya.

Maybe you can come out
and spend an evening

out at the beach.
It's nice out there.

Yeah, I'll come out
in the afternoon.

Yeah, and spend the night.

Hola, jefe!

Gracias, senoritas
and caballeros!

Two more shows,

and it's a week
of fun in the sun.

You know,
these language tapes

are really
paying off for you.

(chuckles)

Hey, speaking of hilarity...

Have you read Phil's "Welcome
to the Dollhouse" sketch?

Yes, I did.
I thought it was awful.

You think David Duchovny
is, uh, gay?

How would I know?

I've lost contact
with that world

since the death
of Randolph Scott,

but he definitely
finds you fabulous.

Yeah. Well, you know,
he invited me to, uh,

spend some time
at the beach house with him.

Well, so what?

I've asked you out
to the beach before.

I hope you don't ask
everyone you meet

which way my peter teeters.

Artie...

sometimes I'll be
talking to the guy,

and he literally
gazes at me

to the point
when I'm finished
with the question,

I have to ask him again,

because it's like
he's lost himself in me.

Do you know what
I'm talking about?

Huh?

(laughs)

Oh, my God,
what happened to you?

Elvis fucking Costello
and his piece-of-shit mobile,

that's what happened to me.

Oh, jeez.

I, uh, spent last night
out at Hollywood Park,

begging for jump-starts
from race-track scum.
Here you go.

And, uh-- thank you--

This morning I had
a delightful hour

on the side of the 405,

rehanging the muffler
with my goddamn necktie.

Hank, next time that
happens, just call me.

Oh, so you're saying
that my car phone works.

(laughs)
What a delightful
sense of humor you have.

Hank, look,
when I bought my Honda,

it needed $200 of work
right off the bat, okay?

But then it ran for three
years without a problem.

Well, Brian, if, uh,
I had bought a Honda,

that would make me
feel better,

but I spent twice your
annual salary on this car.

It blows out smoke
that smells like a dead horse.

When I touch the CD player
and the steering wheel

at the same time,
I get a shock.

And the engine stalls out
if I cut a fart.

God!
He saw me coming.

Hey, Hank, is that
your Jensen-Healy?

Yes, it is, and thank you
for noticing it.

We were just
talking about it.

It's a limited edition.
300 of these babies made.

Well, that baby
is leaking something,

and that something
smells like gas.

(laughing)
Oh, no, no.

See, you don't know.
You're a novice.

What you're smelling
is pure driving power.

But thank you.

Are you sure there's nothing
wrong with your car?

Of course there's
something wrong.

Get a fucking mop
and meet me in the garage.

Ah, Friday night brings us
the exciting and still hot...

Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Are you guys mad at me?

You've been a prince here, Jon.
What's wrong?

Well, it's like...

I read the "Welcome
to the Dollhouse" sketch,

and, uh, there just didn't
seem to be anything...

What's the word?
Funny.

I agree, but I've
confiscated Phil's bong,

and I can assure you
the writing will improve.

What next?

Well, Artie,
I don't want to push this,

but it seems like we got
two things going on here.

We got
"The Larry Sanders Show,"

which is huge guests
and funny comedy,

and it's very popular.
Thank you.

Then we have
this other thing,

which reminds me
a lot of my old show,

which was not as popular,

and, in fact,
they stopped making.

I mean, the network guys
kept talking

about all these huge guests
that were coming.

And so they should, because
they love you at the network.

Here's a hot one:

the incomparable
Charles Nelson Reilly.

Again?

Oh, Larry,
this just arrived

by messengers
from David Duchovny.

Larry?

Larry.

From David Duchovny.

Oh, boy, what is it?

I don't know.
Are you, uh,

staying at the beach
with him this weekend?

I don't know.
Maybe one fucking night.

Well, I'm just asking,

'cause he called
and asked if you were free,

and I, uh--
And what did you say?

I said you were.
You did? Oh.

Ooh, this is nice.

Wow.
You want to try it on?

"The truth is out there."
What does that mean?

It's from the show.

Is there a card?
Yeah, here.

You read it.

Okay.

It says, uh...

"For the beach
and those cool--"

Do you think he's gay?

I don't know.
I wouldn't know that, Larry.

I think he's got
a crush on me.

Well, did you do
something to cause it?

Yeah, look at me.
I'm gorgeous.

I'm just fucking gorgeous.

(laughs)

Hey, Larry.

Oh, hey, Brian, can I
talk to you a second?

Yeah, sure.

Um, hey, listen.
Uh...

Do I seem gay to you?

What?

Well, I know, it's...
(both laughing)

It's funny.

Do you?

Um, that's hard
to say, Larry,

'cause I know
you're not gay, right?

Well, do any of your friends
think I'm gay?

My gay friends?

Okay, sure.
Let's start with them.

Well, um, I don't, uh,

I don't think
they think about sex

when they watch you.
Really?

Really, but I haven't
exactly taken a survey.

What about David Duchovny?

Oh, David Duchovny, yes.

Does he seem gay?

Well, um...

A third think he's gay,
a third think he's bi,

and the rest don't care.

They just want
to kiss him anyways,

which would be me.

(laughs)

Okay. Thanks.

Okay.

Hey, Brian!

The security guard's
looking for you.

The gorgeous security guard?

Get over here! Come on.
It sounds important.

Oh, man, I'm in trouble,
and I love it.

You're too much.
Come on.

Three hundred dollars
for a water pump?

Hank!

But-but I-I
still smell gas.

Hank!
Yes! I do realize

that the water pump is not
connected to the fuel system,

but I just had
the mistaken impression

that you had a nose.
Tally ho, fuck face!

Hank! Hank!

Haven't you ever heard
of knocking before you enter?

I'm sorry.
All right, calm down.

Okay.
Now just calm down.

Okay!
All right. Now...

Are you calm?
Good.
Mm-hmm.

Now, what is it?

Your car's on fire.

God damn it!
God damn it!

When were you
gonna tell me?

And then we can still call it
"Welcome to the White House."
Mm-hmm.

Not that Hank in a wig
isn't funny...
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Just it's a little mean.
This is great.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Are you sure?
'Cause I don't want

to be a pain in the ass
if it's not--
No, no. It's great.

It gives me an opportunity to
finally do some edgier stuff.

Larry thinks it's
interesting to people

to watch, like,
"Question Time with Larry."

Hey...
am I interrupting?

No, no.
Not at all.

No. Hey, Jon,
I'll catch you later.

All right.
Thanks a lot, Phil.

It's cool.
Hey, Larry.

Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Jeez, sorry, I didn't know
you were here.

I would've come in sooner.

Oh, that's okay.
Just, uh... um...

Looks like you got
a pretty good week here.

Yeah, no, I'm excited.
I got, uh...

I'm gonna talk
to Brent Musburger about ABC,

and then talk to Zsa Zsa Gabor
about Brent Musburger,

and then just ride
that crest

right into
Charles Nelson Reilly.
Right.

Then I'm gonna hang myself
with my own shoelaces.

(laughs, clears throat)

Um...
David Duchovny?

Yeah. Actually,
Artie just moved him.

He came in,
and he, uh...

Did he say why?

No. Just seemed
real focused.

Well, you know,
he's a buddy of mine, so...

Oh. All right.

I have to move him back.
Okay, yeah.
Don't wanna...

And the same with
Hootie and the Blowfish.
Friends?

Uh, well,
the Blowfish are.

Oh. I see.

Hootie...
Hootie seems aloof.

Yeah. You wouldn't
happen to be friends

With Sally Struthers,
would you?

(laughs)

You're gonna be hilarious
flirting with her, really.

And don't underestimate
Charles Nelson Reilly.

The audiences love him.
All right.

This is an interesting
process, actually.

Well, normally, I would
do this behind your back,

but, you know,
you're a good guy.

Brian:
Uh, excuse me.

Jon, was your car
parked next to Hank's?

Yeah, thank you.
That's a great spot.

Why'd you steal
Duchovny from him?

Oh, get off it.
You stole Duchovny.

I just took him back.

Well, I had to throw
Jon a bone, you know?

Besides, you said Duchovny's
making goo-goo eyes at you.

I thought I was
doing you a favor.

Why don't you just let me worry
about his little goo-goo eyes?

Oh, fine.
Would you please?

Oh, I'd like to see you try
to juggle all this bullshit

with the network
crawling up your ass.

You know what
this is about?

You're just trying to get
in good with Jon Stewart

so that when he pushes me out,
you'll have a job.

You don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.
Fuck I don't.

Excuse me, Larry.
David Duchovny's on line two.

Oh, Larry, your girlfriend's
on the phone.

You better hurry.

He's in a good mood today.

Welcome back.

Our next guest is, uh,

has always been
one of my favorites.

We're always lucky to have him
when he's in town.

And his newest release is called
"All This Useless Beauty."

Please give a welcome
To Elvis Costello. Elvis!

♪ ♪

♪ I arose and Marigold
lay down with Curious Iris ♪

♪ Cherry gave to Victor ♪

♪ Her prudence and her virus ♪

♪ For the sake of purity ♪

♪ I can recall
the time and place ♪

♪ Between wisdom and murder ♪

♪ She gave up
her immaculate face ♪

♪ My poor belated chastity ♪

♪ Fell foul
of grown-up games ♪

♪ With false
and lovely modesty ♪

♪ I can recall
the names I'll miss ♪

♪ In the particle of me
that cares for this ♪

♪ I betrayed
those little atoms ♪

♪ With a kiss ♪

♪ Patience has
her virtue still... ♪

What are you doing?

I'm mocking him
because he's an asshole.

♪ Spin a tale
of constant vice ♪

♪ Took my better nature out ♪

♪ And drowned it
in the babbling stream ♪

♪ Took the blossom
of my youth ♪

♪ And I blew it all
to smithereens ♪

♪ My poor belated chastity ♪

♪ Fell foul
of grown-up games ♪

♪ With false
and lovely modesty ♪

♪ I can recall
the names I'll miss ♪

♪ In the particle of me
that cares for this ♪

♪ I betrayed
those little atoms ♪

♪ With a kiss ♪

Take 'em off.
Take 'em off.

♪ If you still
don't like my song ♪

♪ Then you can
just go to hell ♪

♪ I don't care
about right or wrong ♪

♪ Or if my typewriter
can spell ♪

♪ But I cannot promise you ♪

♪ I've said good-bye
to childish things ♪

♪ Still some
pretty insults left ♪

♪ And such sport
in threatening ♪

♪ My poor belated chastity ♪

♪ Fell foul
of grown-up games ♪

♪ With false
and lovely modesty ♪

♪ I can recall the names
I miss ♪

♪ In the particle of me
that cares for this ♪

♪ I betrayed
those little atoms ♪

♪ With a kiss ♪

♪ And for the sake
of clarity ♪

♪ They're faith,
hope, and charity ♪

♪ In the particle of me
that cares for this ♪

♪ I betrayed
those little atoms ♪

♪ With a kiss ♪

(applause and cheering)

Elvis Costello.

We'll be right back.
No flipping.

Man:
Clear!

So, have you
taken the car up

the Pacific Coast
Highway yet?

Uh, no, no, not yet.

I thought it might be
a good idea

to wait until
it stops smoldering.

What-what happened?

It leaks...

It leaks gasoline,
Elvis.

That's what happened.

And when it's hot,
that's a problem,

because one minute
it is a car,

And the next minute
it is a goddamn bonfire,

you prick.

It's not a car,
it's a driving machine.

Man, I should've
learned my lesson

when I bought
that moped from Sting.

There's your problem.

You don't buy
anything from Sting.

Oh, save it for your
limey bullshit love songs,

will you, please?

You owe me money,
asshole.

Man:
In five...

(sighs)
It's always nice
to be back.

We're back,
and, uh, well,

we're out of time.
I've got to wrap it up.

I can't believe the time
has gone by this quickly.

I want to thank P.J. O'Rourke,
comedian Kip Addotta,

and, of course,
Elvis Costello.

And we'll see you all
tomorrow night.

Of course, next week,

Jon Stewart will be
guest hosting.

And, uh, you may now flip.
Good night.

(audience applauding)
(theme music plays)

Man:
Clear!

Uh, Larry,
David Duchovny's here.

Where?

He's behind
the curtain.

God!

Hey, Larry.
How you doing?

David, hey.
Good to see you.

I got in early,
so I just thought
I'd drop by and say hi.

When did you get in?

I just came in
from the airport.

Just now?

Yeah. See if you'd
come by the beach.

If you want
to come by.

Listen, can I talk to you
over here a second?

Yeah?

Listen. Um...

You know, I...
I am flattered

that you're attracted
to me and everything,

but I don't think
I can really respond,

because, clearly, you--

and I support it
completely--

are... gay
and I'm straight.

(chuckles nervously)

That's, um, I'm--

That's okay. I'm not-
I'm not gay.

I'm-I'm also straight.

Well, I'm glad
we talked about this.

But sometimes I do
wish that I was gay,

recently, because...

I find you
very attractive.

God...
(stammering)

I-I-I-I know that
it's not a gay thing,

because the feeling that
I have when I'm with you,

it's the kind of feeling
that I normally have

with a woman that I like.

It's like a warmth
or a buzz.

It's definitely
a heterosexual feeling,

but it's directed at you.
It's very confusing to me.

Do you understand that?

I'm a little
uncomfortable.

Oh, God, 6:30.
I gotta run.

Larry...
Just telling Elvis how...

just how wonderful
he was out there.

Oh, yeah. You were great,
great tonight.

Too expensive to bring
the whole band?

Well, with what you pay me,
you're lucky you got the guitar.

And by the way,
how crazy is Hank Kingsley?

Oh, he's got a little
mad cow disease.

Ah, we'll keep him
out of England.

Did he just
burn 'em up out there?

What, are you kissing
his ass now?

Why not?
Come on, El.

I'll buy you
a pint of Guinness.

Yeah, spot of Vera?
Yes!

What's the matter
with her?

Who?

Larry, dear boy.

I thought we understood
each other, Arthur.
We do.

I told you to make sure
Jon Stewart had good guests.

This morning,
I get his lineup.

Sally Struthers.
Funny.

Zsa Zsa Gabor.

She's hot.

Charles Nelson Reilly.

He's hilarious.

Jamie Farr?

And Joan Embry.

Well, Joan's bringing in
a 20-foot snake

and some wonderful footage

of a cow giving birth
to a rare albino calf.

I have seen that
three times.

Oh, calm down.

I'm about to make you
very happy.

Good morning,
Mr. Sanders.

Good morning.

Hey, morning, Larry.

Oh, Dave, hey!

How you doing?
This is Carol.

This is the friend who I was
visiting on the lot yesterday.

It's nice to meet you.
Good morning.

Carol's gonna stay out
at the beach house with me.

Oh, good. Well,
have a good time.

Thanks.

Hey, could you give
Larry and I just a minute?

Oh, yeah.
Certainly.

Thanks.

You're not upset that I'm taking
Carol to the beach, are you?

(scoffs)
Don't be silly.

Of course not.
She's a nice girl.

Oh, good.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not gonna
be on the show with you.

What are you
talking about?

My agent called,
said the network went ballistic

and they put me back on
with Jon Stewart.

God damn it.

Shit.

Larry?

They're just not
supposed to do that.

God damn it!

Shh! Shh.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.

God, you're really upset,
aren't you?

God, you really care
about me, don't you?

Are you uncomfortable?
A little bit.

Okay, I'll see you.

See you later.

Bye.

Did you see that?

Yeah. Next time,
kick him in the balls.

Yeah, but I looked
angry, right?

Oh, really upset.
Yeah, angry as hell.

But I'll tell you,
he'll never know

that you're the guy that
moved him to Jon Stewart.
Good. Good.

You know, you talk
to people on television,

next thing, they think that
you're their new best friend.

Mm-hmm. Well, he is
a friend of mine, you know?

Well, go with me on this.

It's my job
to protect the host

from people like that.

Oh, Arthur, hi.

Charlie,
how you doing, buddy?

Fine.
Is Jon Stewart around?

I'm gonna do the show
with him again,

and I thought maybe
he'd like to go out

and have a drink
and, uh, talk.

He's in
the conference room.

Oh, thank you.

(theme music playing)