All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E14_English

In 1609, when Galileo
first made this telescope...

(laughter)

it was made of salami.

(laughter)

And through
this salami telescope,

he was able to make
his first chart of the heavens.

(laughter)

Hey...

buona notte.

That's a nice suit.

(laughter)

What do you see there?

(laughter)

Well, I can see
the Morta Della Constellation.

(laughter)

And the planet Bologna.

(laughter)
Oh!

And there goes the
entire "Piccoloaf" Galaxy.

(laughter)

Mmm... God,
this salami stinks.

(laughter)

Well, that's 'cause you're
looking through the wrong end.

(laughter)

Oh. (chuckles)

Fortunately,
for all of us,

Galileo ate that telescope

and was forced to make
the next one out of metal.

(laughter)

But it was a great show.
He's not supposed to

ad lib during a sketch.

That thing he said about
the salami stinking

totally confused me

and threw me off
for the whole show.

Well, I-- I was overcome
by the stench.

Well, I smelled
the stench.

I didn't think it was
coming from the salami.

Well, where did you
think it was coming from?
From you.

Oh, boys, come on.
Settle down!

It's nobody's fault.

Excuse me.

Listen, the problem
arises from the fact

that we lost our
prop master this morning,

and the substitute,

he couldn't find
a proper salami,

and he grabbed one off the
set of "The Price is Right."

It must have
been 10 years old.

Evidently, Bob Barker has
no remaining sense of smell.

Evidently not,
or he would have

stayed away
from Dian Parkinson.

Well, I hear she wears
a lot of cologne.

Oh, yeah.

So what about
the new prop master?

Have you found one?

No. It's very difficult
to find someone

who can make
a salami telescope

that looks functional
and it doesn't stink.

I am starving.

Artie, I--
I don't smell, do I?

(sniffing)

Uh, Larry, this is my cousin
Clyde from Baltimore.
Oh.

Happy to meet you,
Clyde.

A pleasure, yeah. Uh-huh.
Listen, I'm starved.

I've gotta eat
something.
Oh, I, um...

I have your melon.
Thanks.

I also have
reservations for you, um,

at, um, Ivy at the Shore
at 9:00.

9:00? That's too late.

I can change it to 8:00.

(clears throat)
8:30?

Well... 8:30.

9:00 sounds right.

All right.

Um--
Did you get, uh, any news
about the bird?

Oh, yes. I called
L.A. Birds and Fish.
Yeah?

They have
an umbrella cockatoo

that already says,
"Hello, Daddy,"

so they're gonna hold it
for you for 24 hours.

You can go look at it
or even talk to it.
Oh!

Well, actually,
I'd-- I'd prefer a bird

that could sing me to sleep
rather than just talk.

Beverly,
try a songbird.

Tasmanian
two-tufted canary

has a lovely bel canto.

♪ Br-r-r-r-r
r-r-roo-roo ♪

Oh, I'm getting
drowsy already.

Um, Artie,
this is my cousin Clyde.

Hey. How you doin'?
How are you?

Oh, Larry, I have a favor
to ask you.
Mm-hmm.

Would you
sign this petition?

It's for citizens who
support affirmative action.

Oh!
As soon as
we get 1,000 signatures,

we're gonna take out
a full-page ad

in the "L.A. Times."

And the signatures
will be in the ad?

Yeah.
Oh, well, gee,
I don't know.

I can't take a political
stand publicly, Beverly.

It'll alienate
some of my audience,

and, uh, I honestly
don't want to see Leno

get one fucking new viewer

just because they disagree with
my stand on affirmative action
Well--

and don't know his opinion
about anything.

It's okay. I mean,
I was just asking so--

Well, you know,
I'd love to, but, uh,

you know I support affirmative
action from way back.

I-- I know.
So if there's
anything else I can do,

please let me know,
all right?

Again, Clyde,
nice meeting you,

and Beverly,
by the way,

Tatiana-- I have a date
with her Friday,

and she likes green,
so would you make sure

to get my green shirt?
Okay, I'll get it.

Good seeing you.

See? I told you
he wouldn't sign it.

Look, he's just
kind of sensitive

about things like that.
He's a celebrity.

Beverly,
what are you doin'?

What are you
talkin' about, Clyde?

You know what
I'm talkin' about.

Racism.

Um, do you want Mexican food
or Japanese food tonight?

Would you look
around you?

You are the only black
person on this show.

This show is
like "The Waltons."

They got their
little colored girl

takin' out the garbage.
Would you shut up, Clyde?

You wanna be the only
fly in the buttermilk?

Look, I have known these
people for a long time.

They are my friends.
They are not racist.

Your little
white friends.
Shh!

White liberals.
Could you keep it down?

White hypocrites.
Could you keep it down?

They are the most
dangerous kind.

They think they're
doing you a favor.

Clyde, let me
tell you something.

You will never change.

And Larry...
Larry... he says

he's for
affirmative action?

Keep your voice down, Clyde.
Too much affirmative talk
and not enough action.

He won't even sign
a fucking petition.

You better wake up.
You're a token.

Oh, God.

You'd better wake up,
Beverly.

Look, did your mother send
you all the way over here

so that you could
just pluck my nerves?

I will ask him again
when he's not so hungry.

You know what he gonna
be askin' you next?

He's gonna be askin' you
to shine his shoes.

Oh, please!

Say, Beverly, listen,
you know those shoes
Uh, yeah?

the wardrobe department
sent over?

Uh, y-- yes.

Yeah. I can't
find them anywhere.

I'll, uh, check wardrobe
in the morning.

Good, and, uh, listen,
if you do find them

and it's not
too much trouble,

would you mind
lacin' them up?

Beverly: No.
I'm not very handy.

Thanks.

Close enough?

Hold it!
Whup!

Hey.
Thank you.

Good mornin'.
Good morning.

Hmm...

Uh, who's on the, um,
the show tonight, Paula?

Garth Brooks,
Victoria Principal,
Steven Wright.

Have you tried
booking Wesley Snipes?

Do you have a crush
on him?

(laughing)
No, it's just that,

you know, I know that that
drag queen movie came out.

We had Patrick Swayze on
in his little skirt.

Just wondering,
you know, why we didn't

have Wesley Snipes on.
That's...

His skirt was
at the dry cleaners

so there was a conflict.

He couldn't do it.
Oh.

Paula, why don't we have more
black guests on this show?

'Cause black people
find Larry to be white.

Would you sign
this card to Lydia?

Who's Lydia?

Lydia,
the prop mistress.

She left the show yesterday
so I got her a card.

Is she single?

Just write something nice.
Be generous.

All right. Can I ask
you a question?
Mm-hmm.

(clears throat)
Am I unattractive?

No. I think you're
very attractive.

Good. Am I unpleasant?
Am I unsuccessful? Am I unsexy?

No. I think
you're very sexy.

Oh!
I got your number.
What?

Oh! Don't lie.

You want me to
turn gay, don't you?

Oh, yes, please.

Make all of San Francisco's
dreams come true.

What these women don't know is

just that I'm just
a... nice guy.

That's right.
Okay.
Try Wendy.

Oh, Wendy said
she'd see you in June.

When did it get so fucking hard
to get laid in this town?

Hey, Beverly, I have those
monologue jokes for Larry

whenever he's ready.

Um, do you know any
black writers, Phil?

Yeah, of course.
I count many black writers

among my closest friends.

Then why don't we have
any black writers

working her on the show?

You don't know?
No. Tell me.

Oh, well,
Larry won't hire them.

I mean, personally,
I think it's terrible.

I think it's unfortunate
and embarrassing for all of us,

but, as Larry said,
in the super-secret memo,

"If it ain't white,
it ain't right."

You are such an asshole,
Phil, you know that?

Hmm. You know,
if you're writing an article,

don't use my name.

Paula: Victoria, are
conditioners necessary?

I think so. Yeah, I think
just about for everybody.

'Cause you need to close
the hair follicle

and you need to make it soft
and manageable when you dry it.

And how do you know
when a shampoo is right?

Listen, I really
don't want to talk

just about my products
with Larry, okay?

Oh, of course not, no.

This is just information
I wanted for myself.

Well, we just sent a really
large box last week of stuff.

Yeah. That was nice.

It's just Larry hogs
all the freebies.

Uh, excuse me, Paula.
I don't mean to interrupt,

but I have the number
to Wesley Snipes' manager.

Yeah. So do I.

Well, do you want me
to call for you?

I mean, I'd be happy to.
You know that.

She's in love
with Wesley Snipes.

Well, he's really cute,
but... Excuse me.

Is Larry using
the intensive serum?

Um, I-- I--
I wouldn't know.

Uh, could I ask you
a question, though?
Sure.

Do you have, uh, skincare
products for black people?

Yes. I mean, my products
are for everybody, all races.

People always say that,
but, you know,

when I put the stuff
on my face, I break out.

She can get her money back.

It's a fruit phone.
It's a fruit phone?

Put the banana up
to your ear.

Try it.
Beverly: Excuse me.

Oh, I-- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to bother
you, uh, interrupt.

Uh, Larry, if there's an opening
in the prop department,

I think you should
hire a black person.

You know, we have a--
a number of applicants

for the prop job,
Beverly.

If the one
who's most qualified

turns out to be black,
that'd be great.

Uh, I thought you believed
in affirmative action.

Beverly, mon cheri,
we-- we need someone
who's experienced.

There are only a handful
of black prop men in the union,

and they're probably all
tied up, but we'll check.

Um, Arthur, I was talking
to Larry just now.

Would you excuse us,
please?
Hey, what?

I would like a moment
alone with my boss.

Without me?
Yes.

Okay, let's not overreact.
Thank you.

Please?
Excuse us.

Artie? Artie?

(door slamming)
Um, Larry,

my cousin Clyde,
who you met?
Mm-hmm? Oh, yeah?

He used to work for WPJP in
Baltimore.
Nice guy. Nice guy.

Well, he's looking
for a job.

Oh, what did he do?

Well, a little bit
of everything.
Uh-huh.

You know how those
local stations are.
Sure.

Did he do anything
with props?

Well, if you mean can
he make a salami telescope,

yeah, I think so.
You know what I mean.

I mean, did he work-- in...
No, I don't.

Does he have experience
doing props for television?

Unless you give him a job,

he's not gonna
have any experience.

I mean,
that's how it works.

Black people
will never have

as much experience
as white people

because up 'til 10 years ago,
black people had no props.

Well, I'll talk
to Artie about it.

Oh, come on, Larry.
Don't give me that, please.

I-- I've-- I've worked with you
for over five years now,

and I know for a fact that
if you want something done,

it gets done.

I would
like some yogurt.

What? What is wrong?

Uh, Paula...

Yes, I spoke to
Wesley Snipes' people.

He's in Connecticut
and when he gets back, we'll
discuss him doing the show.

No. This doesn't have
anything to do with Wesley.

Um, I can't work
for Larry anymore.

Baby, you're talki''
like it's Friday,

and it's only Wednesday.

No. Look,
Paula, I, um...

I need you to cover for me.

I have an interview
over at "Arsenio."

Are you serious?

Oh, my God!

That is so brave.

Yeah. Well, if Larry asks,

tell him I went out
to get his yogurt.

You got it.

Beverly's quitting.

What makes you say that?

Well, she's over
having a meeting right now

at Arsenio's company.

He's got a development
deal with Sony

and he's looking
for an assistant.

Are you sure?
Oh, yeah.

Tomorrow, she's, uh, meeting
with Laurence Fishburne.

Oh, God, it's because
of this black thing.

Oh, don't get
wound up in that.

You have done
nothing wrong.

Hi. Artie, I...

I-- I-- I just
heard about Lydia.
I mean, that's just, uh...

That's terrible.
Big loss.

Oh, well, listen,

I know you're gettin'
a lot of applicants,

but I want you
to burn those resumes

'cause I've got someone who
can get the job done, okay?

It's my sister, Wendy.

Hold on. Wendy!
Come on in here.

Wendy, I'd like you
to meet Arthur.

Oh, hi, Wendy.
How are you, sweetie?
(indistinct)

And this is,
here he is...

hey now, the one,
the only, my best friend,

Larry Sanders.
This is Wendy.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Artie:
Forget our confusion.
You know, we-- we always

had the, uh, impression that
Hank was an only child.

Wendy-- Wendy, uh, worked,
uh, for, was it two years

in the prop department
at "Jenny Jones"

and one year
on the "Wheel of Fortune"
as prop meister.

Well, Wendy, we'll be very
happy to look at your resume.

Oh, God, I don't
have a resume.

Hank said
you didn't need one.

Hank.
Now, now, now, Arthur...

now, come on. We know
how this business works.

It's all connections.
That's how your...

your son got--
got the job.

Good-looking boy.

Okay, maybe she's not
qualified to do props,

but when-- when Beverly leaves,
she could be Larry's assistant.

Hank: Okay, now, just relax.
Breathe.

(inhaling)
Now do it.

Just do...
do what I told you.

(in bad accent) 'Ello.
"Larry Sanders Show."

Who's calling?

Larry's in a meeting
at the moment.

Could you please hold?

Thank you
and... cheerio.

I'm having a stroke.

Hey... huh?
Huh? Nothin'.

Well, I see that talent
runs like a cancer

through
the Kingsley household.

Oh, thanks, Artie.
Here we go.

All right...
All right. That's...

What do you think?

We'll keep her in mind.

Beverly's quitting.

You better find
an assistant ASAP.

Otherwise, Ellie Mae will
be cutting up your fruit

and telling you how loverly
the show was last night.

(laughter)
Now...

if I've shaved
with your shave gel,

Right.
which is excellent...

Right.
No more nicks.

I have... I, honestly,
I have no more nicks,

and I use
a paring knife.

(laughter)

So, it is very s--
now, so I shave,

and then I put on
the moisturizer.

Good.
I think I'm doing
something out of order

and I don't know what
it is. I shave...

All right. Okay.

Exfoliate, shave...
Okay, I shave.
Now let's say I shave--

No. Exfoliate, shave...

Oh, I don't use
the exfoliator

before I shave.
Well, you're doomed.
You're doomed.

So I exfoliate...
Yep.

in the shower.
Right.

Wash it off...

You are doing this
on your face, right?

Well...

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

If it's a weeknight.

(laughter)

Now...

(laughter)

Uh, what are you worth?

What am I worth?

Well, you must be worth--
Let's see.
What time is it?

You must really be
worth a lot of money

'cause it's just...
you just...

I mean, you should
just probably...

you must just go home
and rub cash on your face.

(laughter)

You're doin' right,
you know, gettin' out of here.

Great. We'll be right back
with, uh, Victoria Principal.

No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Hey, listen, uh,
Victoria Principal just gave me

all these haircare products
and gels and creams

and so forth, and I--
I want you to have them, okay?

Thanks.
Are you quitting?

Um, I-- I was gonna talk to you
about that tomorrow.

Well, instead,
you just bring it up

right here in the
middle of the show?

Look, Larry,
you just brought it up.

Listen, why are you--
why are you quitting?

Because I need a change
in my life and if I stay here,

I'm just gonna
lose my identity.

What do you mean you're
gonna lose your identity?

What does that mean?

Are you two married?

No.

Thank you, my dear.
We'll call you soon.

I'd really love to
be Larry's assistant.

I can't believe I met him.
He's so hot.

Aw, he's a babe.

It's like when I met
Jack Nicholson, I died.

I mean, I started kicking
everyone all around.

People thought it was some sort
of an earth tremor or something.
He's so good-looking.

No argument here.

Listen, um, my mom's
down in the car,

and I was wondering if
maybe Larry could come down

and take a quick photo?

Why don't you go down
and wait? He'll be right there.

Okay.
Okay.

Artie...
my sister made this.

What is it?

It's an Elizabeth Taylor
night light.

And-- and-- and she just
whipped it up in 15 seconds.

It was just amazing to
watch her mind at work.

And then by the way,
this is actual hair.

Why would we want this?

Well, I was thinking
if we did

a celebrity
night light desk piece,

this could be one.

Listen, not only is it ugly,
it's a fire hazard.

If Larry turned this on,
he'd go up in flames.
Throw it away.

Come on. Why-- why can't
she have Beverly's job?

She's as good
as anyone else.

Could she play
the flute for Larry?
No.

Well, we had a lady
in today who can.

Sometimes it's not
just about the money.

It's about,
"Do I even fit in
over there?"

You know,
"Do I belong over there?"

You know, sometimes--
sometimes, Daddy, I get so--

I get so confused,
it's, like,

am I over there because
I'm doing a good job?

Do they-- do they even
respect me over there,
or am I just a token?

How much is Fishburne
gonna pay you?

$800 a week.

Stick with Larry.

But, Daddy, I...

Besides, Larry's
not such a bad guy.

No.

No, he's a wonderful guy.

Let's not have
David Duchovny on anymore.

I-- I literally don't have
anything left to say to the guy.

Oh, yeah?
Beverly sent those.

Larry:
Oh, great.

"I can't believe I'm saying
good-bye after all this time.

"I remember the first day

"I interviewed
for the job with you.

"I came to your office
and you were wearing genie pants

"and a turban. I thought
it was so hysterical.

From that moment on, I knew
I wanted this very special job."

I remember those
genie pants. Gee.

Keep reading.

"Even though we've had
our disagreements,

"with you, I've been
filled with true moments

"of joy and happiness.

"Sometimes at night,
I think back

"to a certain facial expression
you made during the day,

"and I laugh out loud.

"You're an attractive,
sensitive, warm man.

"I don't think I'm ever
going to meet another like you.

"I wish I could
give you a big, hot kiss,

but I know that would
make you feel awkward."

"No job has ever meant
so much to me as this one has.

Love... Beverly."

Is there a "P.S."?

No.

Okay, don't forget
to call me.
I won't.

I'm serious, Brian.
I-- I will.

All right. Bye.
Okay.

You take care.
I will. Bye.

Okay.

Oh, say, Beverly?

Hey. Listen,
I got your, um...

flowers and the letter.
Thanks.

You're welcome.

And, um,
I'm going to, um...

hire your cousin
for that prop job.

Really?
Yeah.

Yeah. 'Cause I thought
about everything you said,

and I think you were right.

I-- I'm sure--
I'm sure he'll do
good work for you.

I checked WPJP.
It's a great station.

(chuckles)
Please don't quit.

Would you stay?

I haven't eaten
anything but cereal

for the last three days.

Well...

I don't...

I don't wanna quit, Larry.

Well...

Laurence Fishburne doesn't--

doesn't make me laugh.

That's why
we haven't had him on.

(laughing)
You're fun.

Okay.

Hey, John Francis,
some kid puked in row seven!

Get the sawdust
and the Lysol.

Oh!

What is it?

Did-- did Larry hire some
black guy with no experience?

He worked for WPJP.

WPJP?
What is that?

Excuse me.
Local shit affiliate.

Did he even
consider my sister?

Yes. She was too dumb.

How can you say that
about my sister?

Oh, hell, cut the crap.
That's not your sister.

I saw you dry-humping
under the bleachers. Hey now.

All right.
Young girl, you know?

I'm just tryin'
to help her out.
Nice try, Hank.

Job's gone.

Fucked by the black man again?

I have been working so hard
today on this Barbie doll.

I made her these five
monster dinosaur outfits,
Yeah.

and it was so difficult
'cause they're so little.

You know how hard
it is to work on somethin'
that-- that little?

First your eyes,
they-- they start to water,
What'd you say?

and then the headaches
creep up.

I mean, the headaches
start comin' and--
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Clyde!

I'm very busy here.

I have to get Larry
birdseed and a cuttlefish,

and I have to order him
some of those new underpants,

the ones that
won't leave a line

when he's wearing
his tennis shorts.

Stop smackin'.
You sound ridiculous.

Did you ever think Heavy D
would let himself get that fat?

I don't think I could
let myself get that fat.
Yes. Uh-huh.

Well, I guess if they
paid me that kind of money,

I'd get that fat,
but then I'd have to
Okay...

get a sweatsuit
and work it off
because I'd have to move

'cause my apartment's
so small.
Yes...

Well, this is working out
pretty well, don't you think?

I mean,
he's doin' a good job.

Beverly:
Would you shut up, Clyde?

It's my guess
she won't be asking you

for anything
for quite some time.

I think you're right.

Um, Larry,
I have a favor to ask you.

Oh, excuse me.
What?

Artie? Artie?

Um, it's about Clyde.

Oh, what now?

Is there any way
we could get rid of him?

No.

(theme music playing)