All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E13_English

(laughing)

Now I'm gettin' pressure
from the cue card guy.

Oh!
(laughing)

All right.
We'll do yours, Tony.

No, that's all right.
Let's see.

We'll try yours.
Which one did you want to do?

Okay, we'll try it. Sure.

Now, this one... You think
this one is the one to do?

Okay, here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this comes to you

from our cue card man
Tony Mendez. Here we go.

(cheers and applause)
His personal...

his personal choice.

All right.
Here we go.

You know, American consumers
will put up with a lot,

but Pillsbury realized

that they had finally
stepped over the line

with anatomically correct
Poppin' Fresh.

(cheers and applause)

All right. All right.

So he's right once.
Who cares?

(cheers and applause)

Instead of the sketches
that we've been doing,

we start to use
the office staff

as a backstage piece,

and, hence, you know,
you guys would be on camera.

Great idea!

Yeah, sort of
a Larry Sanders family.

Doing what?

Comedy.
Our staff?

Yes, our staff.
Doing comedy?

Yes, doing comedy.

I wrote some
ideas down here.

For instance, Phil, you
could be the gossipy writer.

And, Paula, you could
be the sour booker.

Why?
Huh?

Why am I
the sour booker?

It's just a character.
It doesn't mean

that that's
what you're like.

You'd be playing
the sour booker.

Whatever.

And then we could have
a nosy black secretary.

Oh, and who's
gonna play that part?

Oh, come on.
You'll be great.

You can do that black
thing you always do.

Excuse me?
That!

Look how funny that is.

And we can use the
security guard with a lisp,

because I don't
think anybody's

gone all the way
with a lisp

since Truman Capote
passed away, you know?

I believe that lisp
is Castilian Spanish.

You know, like,
Barcelona.

Gracias.

Well, whatever.
It would be funny

because we won't be
able to understand him,

and I can make fun of him,
and it'll be hilarious.

I'm the gossipy writer?

Yes, and then we'd
have the singing grip.

Okay, do I have
to call Courteney Cox?

Because she
was supposed to do

the "Waterworld" sketch
with you.

Yeah, tell her there's
no "Waterworld" sketch.

I think she'll be
relieved, quite frankly.

You're the one who
doesn't have to listen

to these pathetic guests
bitch and moan

every time
there's a little change.

Apparently, their
little acting classes...

Okay, great meeting,
everybody!

Let's get to work.
Come on.

Nosy black secretary.

Oh, God. Why do you
want to copy Letterman?

I don't want
to copy Letterman.

By the way, I think we
should have a new backdrop.

Maybe have a window
behind me.

A window?

Not like
a Letterman window.

A California window
where you look through

and you see the
military base closings.

Larry, don't put
the staff on the show.

You're crossing
the talent moat.

The what?

There's a moat,
a canal

that goes around the castle
to protect it.

In this case,
the castle is our show,

and the moat is between
the staff and the talent.

Uh-huh.
Hence, a talent moat.

Okay, there's a moat.

Yeah, and when the drawbridge
goes up every night at 11:30,

comme ça, there's only
one man in the castle.

That's King Larry.
Jesus.

Can't you just say
you don't like the idea

without giving me
all that other crap?

I hate the fucking idea,
okay?

Because they'd be
crossing the talent moat.

Now you got it.

Yeah, I don't know.
I think a cardigan

makes me look
too geeky, you know?

I'm supposed
to be a gossip,

not Mr. Rogers.

Hey, Artie,
you got a minute?

I have exactly
two minutes, Phil.

You may have
one of them.

Great. What do you think
I should wear?

For what?
Well, for my wardrobe

for the show
tomorrow night.

You're wearing it, pal.
What do you want, a cape?

No, I think that's
a little too flashy.

Come here. See, I was
thinking maybe a nice suit.

Just dress in your usual
tasteless manner,

and when the camera's
red eye shines on you,

remember, Phil,
you're just a writer.

Now, where the hell
are the monologue jokes?

I already
gave 'em to Larry.

Those are
from yesterday.

Yeah, I didn't have time
to write any new ones,

but those are
very solid jokes.

You know, there's
a reason they sell

day-old bread
at half price.

I want 20 new jokes on
Larry's desk in one hour.

Fine.

(cheers and applause)

Thanks so much.
Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

Well, did you see this?

Right off
the top of the news,

two men were arrested
here in Los Angeles last night

because they broke
into Forest Lawn Cemetery

and had sex
with two corpses.

Wow.
If you can get arrested

every time you make love
to something that doesn't move,

I'm the next
Birdman of Alcatraz.

(laughter)

I'll be...
I'm going right from here

to a singles cemetery,
by the way.

"Hey,
so, what sign were you?"

(laughter)

In a similar...

In a similar story...

a couple here
in Los Angeles...

and I guess pretty wild things
happen here in Los Angeles.

Last night also, actually,
a couple was having sex

in their car going 70 miles
an hour down the freeway,

and the car flipped
five times.

I have never been able
to go that long,

I swear to God.

Two flips
and I fall asleep.

(laughter)

A fossil discovered in Kenya
shows that man

was actually walking upright
four million years ago

and was married
to Anna Nicole Smith...

(laughter)

(cheering)
who... who...

who has, oddly enough,

had difficulty
walking upright.

(laughter)
(mutters)

I'm thinking of having breast
implants put in my hands

so it feels like
I'm with someone.

(laughter)

You know, there's
this other controversy

about women
in the Miss America contest,

whether they should wear
bathing suits or not.

Do you think they should
wear swimsuits, Hank?

Yes, I do, because I think
we should have a... a choice.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(laughter)

I have no idea
what that means,

but I think...
I think, personally,

the swimsuits are sexist.

I think they should wear more
of a cocktail waitress outfit.

(laughter)

They have just
concluded a study

where they have
injected a gene--

have you seen this?--
into fat rats,

causing them to lose weight
immediately.

I wish I had known this
before I went out

and bought one of
those big exercise wheels.

(laughter)

(applause)

Because, you see...

(applause)

the rats no longer
have to go on the wheel

because they
have the injections.

There... there's the joke.

(laughter)

Did the monologue seem a
little weak to you tonight?

That's because
instead of writing,

Phil spent all day

reading Uta Hagen's
"Respect for Acting."

Well, tell him to read it
on his own time.

Ha! Baby, you
got lucky tonight.

But will you
take my advice?

Stop while
you're ahead.

Would you stop
worrying.

We crossed
the talent creek,

and I don't think
there's been a problem.

It's the talent moat, and
it goes around the castle,

which in this case
is our show, and with...

Are you nervous?
No, excited.

Ah, it's
the same thing.

Oh, by the way,
I wouldn't worry

about that little
thing in your voice.

What... What little thing
with my voice?

Well, it just cracks a bit,

but that's not...
that's not noticeable.

Oh, and don't get thrown
by the lights in your face.

Sometimes...
really bright

and you can't see
the cue cards,

but you got your lines
memorized, right?

Y-yeah.
Just remember,

the audience is here
to have a good time.

Okay.
But...

if they smell fear,

they're gonna
tear you to shreds.

I'll see you out there.

And tonight we meet the
office gossip, Phil the writer,

who is the head writer here
at "The Larry Sanders Show."

Let's cut backstage and
catch Phil in the writers' room.

What gossip do you have
for us today?

Well, uh, today
in your office...
Yes, sir.

an older gentleman
on our staff came in,

took off his sweatpants
and his briefs

and started sliding around
on your leather sofa

for about 45 minutes.

(laughter)

What was he doing?

I don't know. I think he was
trying to cool off or something.

It looked like
he'd been working out.

He was sweating like a pig.

He left a lot of salt
deposits on your sofa,

and I photographed them
for you.

(laughter)

Well, didn't he see you
standing there?

No, because
I was under your desk.

What were you
doing under my desk?

Well, I was feeling
a little sick.

Good to know.

And while I was in the stall
of the women's bathroom,

I found something
written on the wall.

It says...
(reading aloud)

And there's
a phone number here,

and I tried to call it,
but it's been disconnected,

so I really didn't think
anything of it

until I was rooting around
Paula's desk

and I found these.

(laughter)

This could be
a whole new thing for me.

I could be
the next Chris Elliott.

I think
the world is content

with the current
Chris Elliott.

Hey, Phil.
Hey, Larry.

Good job.
Thanks very much.

Hey, how did you come up
with that girdle thing?

Oh, well, you know, people just
say stuff around the office.

Oh, really? Really? So
someone said I wear a girdle?

What? No. No.
I'm sorry. No, they didn't.

Did they say
I need to wear a girdle?

No, uh, people... nobody
said anything about a girdle.

Good. Well, you just
said they did, so...

No, I didn't.
I, uh...

I misunderstood you,
then I misspoke.

Mm-hmm.
Good, then.

Okay. Hey, what
are you doing Sunday?

I thought maybe we could
hit the links at Bel Air.

Uh, gee, I can't. I'm
uh, playing with my peers.

Okay.

Can I tell you something
without you making fun of me?

Yeah, just
make it quick.

I'm really nervous
about doing this segment,

which is so weird because I
don't care about being on TV.

I don't care about being
famous or anything like that.

No, everyone
wants to be famous.

I don't,
honest to God.

I mean, it would
be really cool

if someone from Pavement
were to see this, but...

Yeah, that would
be very cool.

I don't know why we're not
doing the gossipy writer.

See, that's a proven bit.

How can it be proven?
You've done it one time.

And what about you?
You've never even performed,

except of course
at the bachelor parties.

Fuck you, asshole.

Listen,
just don't blow it

for the rest of us,
okay, Paula?

Nervous?
A little bit.

Nah. You're gonna be
great.
Thank you.

You are going to be great.

And don't worry
about that...

that thing you do
with your voice.

What thing?
Well, it just...

it just cracks a bit.

Say, can I give you some
professional advice?

Is it gonna hurt
my feelings?

No, but when
you're speaking,

uh, you want to keep
that chin lower.

Whoa, not...

up, up...
yeah, right there.

Yeah, because you see,
the camera adds 20 pounds.

I thought it was 10 pounds.

No, no, no, that's
for... that's for men.

I'll see you.

(applause)

I wish you folks
were here every night.

I'm serious.
You're such a good crowd.

You've come on
a good night...
Right.

Because tonight is the night
we get to have a little visit

with our backstage staff.

Well, before that, uh,
can I tell you a... a...

a really interesting thing
that happened to me yesterday?

I was... it's crazy,
but I was walking up my...

Why don't you
hold that thought,

and why don't you tell
me about it after the show

when you're driving home
and I'm not there?

All right?

All right.
Okay.

Because right now,
as I was saying,

it's time to meet, uh,
the backstage staff.

And tonight we have
a visit with Paula,

our sour talent booker.

Paula? Are you there?

Hello, Larry.
Hello, Paula.

You look very beautiful
on camera if I may say.

Thanks.

Why don't you
tell the people, uh...

who are watching...

how we book
the show here.

I make phone calls.
I ask people to do the show.

Uh-huh.
They say no.

Right.
I tell you,

and you make me cry.

Hey, hey, did you see?
Were people laughing?

It was cute.

Cute?

Well, yeah, it was cute
in that funny kind of way.

How funny?

People were
laughing and stuff.

Did I look like shit?

No. You looked cute.

Look, the next time,
though,

you want to
hold your chin up,

'cause it made your face
look kind of chunky.

I hate that word chunky.
How chunky?

No, you looked
really pretty.

Pretty? Promise?

Mm-hmm.
Pretty?

Yeah. Pretty.
Okay.

Then I hope someone
from Pavement saw it,

because I would like to date
any one of those gentlemen.

What's the Pavement?

It's a band.

Well...

Hey, Hank,
what was that story

you were gonna tell
on the show?

Oh, I blew a guy
on the way over here.

How's that?

Can't you say something
good about tonight's show?

You cut Hank off.
That was good.

Oh, God.
(knocking on door)

Larry, Kent is
waiting to see you.

Who's that?

Kent, our stage manager.
He's got some stupid idea

for something he wants
to do for the show.

You want me to just
tell him to come back?

No, tell him
to come in.

Here come
the boat people.

Hey, you may wish to talk
to Joe-Joe in the commissary.

I understand he can
belch our national anthem.

Well, get a tape.

Hey, Larry.
Hey, Ken.

It's Kent.
Kent.

What's up?
Well, I don't know
if you've noticed,

but when I yell,
"We're clear,"

I'm actually yelling,
"We're queer."

Oh, no, I never
noticed that.

Well, you know,
it really busts up the crew.

And you know what
I was thinking was that...

Look at me, Larry.

I'm the half-naked
cue card guy.

Kent: Sid, we're talking
important production stuff.

Go wait in the hallway.
Thank you, gentlemen.

That's very nice.

I appreciate your
interest in the show.

We'll be in touch.
Beverly?

Uh, come on. Show's over.
Fellas, let's go.

Fucking freak show in here.
Now do you understand

what I'm worried about?
You know, at least Sid's

excited about the show.

Usually, he's sitting
in that prop room,

sniffing
those magic markers.

Yes. Now he's running
around half-naked.

What an improvement.
I'd say so.

Yeah? Well, listen.

There's a reason these
people are not on camera.

Let's just end it.
Come on. Right now.

Wait. Well, hold it.
What about me?

You, my darling,

you grow
lovelier every day.

Beverly:
No. I'm talking
about the show.

Phil gets to do it, Paula
gets to do it, and I don't?

I told my mother
I was gonna be on TV.

Well, stand next to me
at the monitor, my darling,

and you can wave at your sweet
mother to your heart's content.

I can't believe this.

It's always the black woman
that gets screwed.

Beverly, please
do not play the race card.

Excuse me?

Okay, look,
we've veered off course.

Now we've come about.

The wind is in our sails.

Oh, come on, Artie!
Don't give me

your country club
metaphor bullshit!

I told everybody I know that
I was gonna be on television.

I even got my legs waxed.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

We're very happy to
have you here, my dear.

Do you need anything?

Actually, some water
would be great.

Poland? Evian?
Arrowhead?

Pellegrino?

Va bene.
(knocking on door)

Hey,
is that Courteney?

Yeah.
Hi. I'm Hank Kingsley.

Hey, Hank.
Listen, I just
wanted to drop by

and just tell you how badly
I feel about Kurt Cobain.

But, hey,
you bounced back,

and now you got
your own hit TV series.

Yeah. I think that's Courtney
Love you're thinking about.

Hank, I think you need
some more makeup.

Well, at least
you didn't

have to go through
that, you know?

Yeah.
I'll see you
out there.

Okay.

No way!

Oh, yeah, you have
to send it to him.

Man, if this works out,
I will buy you a wig.

Okay. All right, I'll talk
to you later. Bye-bye.

Oh, my God!

What? What is it?

You know my friend Sasha
who works at the Palladium?

Uh-huh.
She's good friends

with the bass player
from Weezer,

and she's gonna try
and set us up,

and she's sending him the
tape from last night's show.

Well, I thought you liked
the guys from Pavement.

Pavement, Weezer,
Afghan Whigs,

Beverly, it's all good.

Okay, what's his name?

Matt Sharp.
Mmm.

You look
very lovely today.

It's not
too much, huh?

Mm-mmm.
Well,
I just thought I wanted

to wear something
a little special.

My mother, she's got the
whole family watching and all.

Good morning,
ladies!

Why are you
so chipper today?

Well, last night
at King's Road,

I met this unbelievably
cute waitress.

She saw me on the show,
took me home,

and we rode the pony
all night long.

Yuck.
That is disgusting.

No, no,
it was beautiful,

and her kid
only woke up once.

Oh, God.

I'm off
for Pellegrino.

Okay. Oh, could you
do me a favor?

Could I get
a veggie sandwich?

Certainly.
What kind of bread?

Five-grain? Seven-grain?
Organic squaw bread?

Focaccia?
Va bene.

How about fruit?
Mango? Papaya?

Pineapple?
Ooh, kiwi.
No... no skin.

Well, it is fall, but for
you, it shall be spring.

(knocking on door)

Hey.
Larry, look who's here.

Miss Courteney Cox.
Yes, I see.

Our favorite "Friend."

Oh, thanks.
Hi. How are you?

Gee, I love the show.
Congratulations.

Love Sparky, Popo, the
kid with the shaved head.

(laughter)

Are they taking
good care of you?

Yes.
Good.

Everybody's great.
Really nice.

Could I also, um,
if it's all right,

to get some magazines that
aren't, you know, trade papers?

"Time"? "Newsweek"?
"Vanity Fair"?

British "Vogue"?
Va bene.

Good choice.

Say, we have a very
funny remote piece

we'd like to do
with you tonight

where you walk
out onto the street

and actually try to pay your
bus fare with a meatloaf.

Or...
Meatloaf?

Well, it doesn't
have to be meatloaf.

It could be, you know,
spackling compound.

We'll come up
with something funny.

Yeah, well, I was
actually kind of hoping

that we'd get to do
one of those, you know,

sketches that you do.

Those big goofy ones?
They're just really funny.

Really?
Yeah.

Listen,
all I'm saying is,

I think we've been
doing the wrong thing.

I don't think we should be
doing the staff interviews

or the backstage pieces.

Letterman
already does those.

Let's stick to the
sketches we've always done.

No one
does those anymore.

(applauding)

That's it?

That's it.
Have a good show.

That's it, everyone!
Have a great show!

Thank God.

I don't believe it.
He's all over the place.

He's just like my father.

A hug and then a slap.
It's tearing me apart.

Mariner, we found land.

You're out
of your mind.

What are you
talking about?

Is it that time
of the month?

There is no...
There is no land.

Where are you going?

That's not land.
There's only water.

Hi, neighbor.

Can I borrow
some sugar?

Larry:
Borrow some sugar?

There's no sugar.
There's only water.

How can you grow sugar
when there's no water?

What is wrong
with you?
No land.

How can you grow sugar
when there's no land?

Morty? Dave.

You watching
this piece of crap?

This guy's making us
all look bad.

(theme music playing)