Original subtitles

Well, uh, we're out of time.

I'd like to thank my guests,

Kevin Bacon and Fran Drescher.

Uh, my apologies to comedian Jeff Cesario

for, uh, running out of time,

but of course, we'll get him back

as soon as we can.

Larry, on TV: Good night. See you tomorrow.

This will be, like, the ninth time in a row.

There's nothing we could do. Artie gave him the signal,

and the guy, uh, just kept going.

It was like he didn't even see the sign or something,

I don't know, maybe he was loaded or something like that.

He was loaded.

Look, you're still a bright, young comedian.

Jesus, Larry.

I'm 42.

You've bumped me clean out of the young comedian category.

Come on. Come on the show tomorrow,

and... and you won't be bumped.

Stop. Just... It'll be the first time...

we've never had anyone back the next night. Larry, stop it.

Stop it. This is getting embarrassing.

Christ, I feel like George Miller.

I have never made that guarantee to George Miller.

Oh, boy. They recognize me.

Some of them just stare straight ahead.

Larry, the show is full. We cannot have Cesario on.

I am not bumping Jeff Cesario.

Jeff Cesario is a friend of mine.

Who else is booked?

Rob Lowe. Artie: Movie star.

Big with the ladies. Un-bumpable.

Paula: Vendela.

Uh, I'm not bumping Vendela. Who else?

David Duchovny, star of "The X-Files."

Supremely bumpable.

I've heard he's very hot right now.

Is that right? Artie: That show is for geeks.

Paula: It is not for geeks,

and People Magazine believes him

to be the next James Dean.

Ha!

Well, I'm going let that bit of nonsense pass.

Fine. The point is, they're all good

and there's not room for Cesario.

Uh, there is another option.

If you trimmed your monologue a wee bit,

we'd have time for everybody.

Well, if I cut my monologue down,

it takes me three minutes to get going to begin with,

so if I cut it down by two minutes,

I'm only gonna have one minute where it really works.

How... how long has he been in here?

Artie: Hank. Hey, come on.

You're bringing everybody down.

I'm sorry. Sorry. Um...

remember when I said, uh...

when my dad died that I'd like

to do a tribute to him on the show?

Yeah. Hank: Well...

tonight's the night.

Oh. When did he die?

This morning. Artie: Hank...

my sincere sympathies, but buddy,

tonight's show is overbooked.

Yeah, but listen, uh,

I promised Dad that whenever he died,

I would do a tribute for him.

I mean, if... if, God willing,

the show were still on the air.

Now, come on!

Who's more important than that promise?

Rob Lowe.

He's not even on Baywatch anymore.

Vendela.

Ah, right. More pussy for Larry.

I'm sorry. That's not me. You know that's not me.

That's just the grief talking.

David Duchovny.

The chef? Come on!

The star of "The X-Files,"

and according to "People" Magazine, the next James Dean.

I just asked you not to say that.

Well, who else? Jeff Cesario.

Again? What is he, homeless?

Get a job. Larry: All right.

Hank, is it possible that you could do it tomorrow

or maybe the day of the funeral?

Okay, let me just say it to you

in a way that you can understand.

My dad died today. (tearing up) Larry: Yeah.

My pop died today.

So if I talk about it another day,

it's not gonna be topical.

How much time you need?

I need four minutes. No way. Can't do it.

Uh, three and a half minutes, I can get it done.

Can you do it in three? Hank: I can do it in three.

All right.

Let's, uh, give him two and a half minutes,

and, uh, we'll make it work.

Thank you. We're pushin' the envelope as it is.

Thanks. Thank you. Larry: We'll make it work.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you. Thanks.

All this talk about death is a bummer.

I'm havin' a cigarette.

What is he doing?

I-I thought Hank hated his father.

His old man abandoned him when he was two.

Beverly!

Yes? I want you to check and make sure

that Hank's father really died.

Hank's father died?

Supposedly, he died this morning. Larry: All right.

This is sad.

Let's not get too cynical. Please?

(knocking on door) Yeah?

Hey, Hank? Oh, yeah?

I finished your tribute. Uh, hope it's okay.

Okay, come on, come on.

I got 20 minutes to learn this sucker.

So hit me with it, tiger.

Okay, um, "sad day today in the Kingsley household."

Sad day.

"My father passed away this morning,

and I will miss him..." Hank, I'm just so sorry.

All right. Go ahead. "...very much.

"He was not famous.

His face never appeared on a magazine..." Mm-hmm.

"But he taught me the important lessons of life."

Blah. "He was..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Come on, Phil!

It's just, I don't know anything about your father.

It would really help if I had something...

Brian: Hank... Hank, what kind of man was your dad?

Did he take you to baseball games?

Did you listen to the same music?

Yeah, right. You know...

Did he show up at your high school graduation?

I don't wanna discuss this.

All right? He was a great man.

That's all you need to know.

Come on.

Okay. Uh, good, well...

Yeah, now that I got somethin',

I'll, uh, take another stab at it.

See you in about ten minutes?

Yeah. You got ten minutes!

Okay, we got to go. Okay? All right.

Tell him, "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow,"

and just tell him to play it slow.

Okay. Okay.

Who we gonna bump? Well, okay, we're not gonna bump Cesario.

He's a friend of mine.

I'm not gonna bump him. That's it.

So, Vendela.

Or Duchovny.

Or the oth... or Rob Lowe.

No! Well, Bev... Beverly,

what do you think we should do?

Well, I just wanna know

when you're gonna have some black people on.

(sighing) All right. Come on.

I'll bump Cesario.

You bump Hank.

Oh, I just love it when you take control.

Yeah, well, they've got David Duchovny,

Vendela, some comic...

yeah, Vendela.

Look... Honey...

let's not get into that again.

That was a long time ago,

and you shouldn't read those magazines.

They write what they want, you know?

Yes, I think she's pretty.

You're prettier.

Pull the trigger.

Pull it.

And you're gonna talk to Hank?

Right.

Jeff: Ma, I won't swear, okay?

Hey. Larry.

Hey, Jeff. Oh. How are ya?

You met my parents. Oh, sure, sure.

Uh, Mrs. Cesario and Mr. Cesario.

Did I get it right? Yeah, I think so.

Mrs. Cesario: I was just saying to Jeff

"when are you gonna stop being a comedian

and get your own show like Larry?" All righty, Ma.

You know, uh, that's what my mother used to say to me,

and look at me now.

Huh? All right. Listen, have a good one.

Thanks. Came to wish you luck,

and, uh, maybe you wanna come by the house afterwards

and have dinner over at my place, watch the show.

Love to. Thanks.

It's your parents. Okay.

Well? Well.

Well? Well, I didn't tell him.

His parents are in there.

Oh, Larry. That's right.

If those are his parents,

he probably brought them in

to put more fucking pressure on you.

What did Hank say?

You invited Jeff to dinner, didn't you?

What did Hank say?

I'm going in there right now.

I would like to...

Hey, Larry.

Hey, how you doin'?

Good. How you doin'? Good to see ya.

Larry, I'm... I'm, uh, David Duchovny.

I'm on the show tonight.

Oh, sorry. Jeez.

I don't get Fox, you know? Right.

I'm Artie, the producer. I'm...

Hi.

We have a very tight show tonight.

Oh, man.

You're not gonna bump me, are you?

Yeah, Leno bumped me.

Letterman bumped me twice. Bastards.

Uh, they wrote me out of three days' work

just to get down here from Canada.

You know, it's not like I was beggin' to be on the show.

You guys have been askin' me to be on the show for months.

I didn't come here just to stick my thumb up my ass.

I've gotta go talk to Hank.

Will you excuse me one second?

I'll talk to him. No, I'll talk to him.

He'll bellow like a bull moose.

Let me talk to Hank a minute.

How you doin'?

Hey. I'm doin' great.

Good. Good makeup. It looks good.

Well, that's the man. Nice job.

Listen, we're running a little tight

on the show tonight, and...

well, we were talking about a few, uh...

You're gonna bump my dead father?

No.

I was wondering if you wanted

to come over to the house, uh,

after the show for dinner.

Make sure you're okay.

Oh, sure. I'd love that.

Good. Good. Thanks.

What, is that... is that a tawny beige?

I invited him to dinner.

I know somebody that can take Hank out.

We'll make it a father-son sweep.

Larry Sanders? Oh, Vendela.

So happy to see you. Hi.

Is Vendela, uh, what I should call you

or do you have...

do your friends call you something else?

Well, my friends started callin' me

Doll, Baby, Peanut, Princess.

Well, Princess won't work, 'cause that's what he calls me.

So where's the makeup room?

Oh, the makeup room is right in here. Okay.

Thanks. (chuckling) Yeah.

Hank: Hey, now.

My dad died today.

She's really flirting with me.

Yeah. No shit.

This isn't gonna work out the way we planned, so...

meet you backstage. Okay.

The Montana bit

and the stupid people infomercial.

Clueless people driving...

Artie: Jeff, my boy.

What's wrong? Nothing.

You'll be happy to know that Mom and Dad

will be sitting right down front.

Oh, thanks.

Man, I have this set so honed,

I could just do it in my sleep.

Hey, that's great.

Cut two minutes. I suggest the infomercial bit.

It's been done to death.

Easy fix. No problem.

Artie? Oh, gosh.

Uh, I've timed out my tribute

and with the song, it comes to four minutes.

I'm cutting you down to two.

I can't possibly honor my father in two minutes.

Listen, buddy,

I'm sorry about your father, I really am.

But this has jack to do with him.

It's got to do with you

grabbing a little glory in the spotlight.

Cut it down to two.

(applause)

By the way, uh...

during the annual beach cleanup here in Los Angeles,

they found... listen to this...

4,400 syringes and 7,200 condoms.

(laughter)

And, uh, I just wanna say,

uh, I'm sorry.

Next time I'll use a trash bin.

(laughter and applause)

A, uh...

a, uh, gorilla named Ivan

who had been kept in a mall for 28 years

was put in a cage with two females,

and the females literally chased him around

and slapped him repeatedly.

And if that doesn't prove the theory of evolution,

I don't know what does.

(laughter and applause

Larry, on TV: The, uh...

did you see this, Hank? In Washington, D.C.,

three people were struck by lightning

while watching a Grateful Dead concert. Hank: Wow.

And, uh, upon regaining consciousness,

one of the victims said

he thought the concert was kind of short, but...

(laughter)

but that the light show was "a killer, dude."

(laughter and applause)

We have a, uh, we have a great show tonight.

We have, uh, Rob Lowe. (cheering and applause))

We have David Duchovny. We have Vendela.

And of course, comedian Jeff Cesario.

We'll be right back. No flipping.

(cheering and applause)

Rob: He was telling me this story about Laurence Olivier.

So, how many kids do you have now?

Uh, my son Matthew is 21 months. Uh-huh.

And we have another, uh, on the way, in November.

Hey, congratulations.

Yeah, it was great. My wife says to me...

That is great. I wish we had a little more time,

but we're gonna have to cut it short,

and you'll come back, uh, soon,

and tell us, uh, more. All right?

We'll be right back with, uh, Vendela.

(cheering and applause) No flipping.

No flipping. Vendela.

Man: We're clear!

Larry, my wife lets me talk more than that.

Well, you know, uh,

marriage is about, uh, communication.

This is a talk show. Okay?

What the hell's wrong with him?

I'm sorry, what?

I... I was in the middle of tellin' a stor...

My father died today.

Terrific, Rob.

My regards to your brother Chad.

How are we doing?

Still long because of the monologue.

Well, it was a hot crowd.

Keep it moving, Princess.

If anyone can do it, you can.

Okay, okay. I'll see ya, uh, after the show?

Dinner? My house?

Love to, if the show ever ends. Good. All right.

Larry, on TV: Our next guest is the beautiful and talented...

I don't believe it.

I'm gonna get bumped again.

You're not gonna get bumped again.

Would you excuse me for one second?

Larry, on TV: Gee, you're very, very, very beautiful.

Are you a model? (laughter)

Oh, it's so great to be here.

It's great.

You are beautiful. Oh, thank you.

Are you... Are you... So are you.

Uh, well, you know,

I did a lot of modeling myself.

Say, um...

what have you got there, if I may ask?

Oh, just a little present for you.

For me?

That is so sweet of you. Yeah.

Well, let's put it up right here.

Okay. And, uh...

You can open it... you have to wait

until you get home, though.

I don't want you to open it right now.

You don't want me to open it now? No.

Well, I like the element of surprise. You do?

Yes. I like anything wrapped in a ribbon.

Well, my number is inside here.

You should remember that.

So when you open it... Your number is?

just give me a call, okay? Oh! Good.

Well, I can guarantee you

I will not be returning this.

You did a car... you just did a car commercial

or something? I did a car commercial.

Actually, before I signed my contract...

my cosmetic contract

with Almay... Uh-huh.

Um... Yes, you may.

Yeah, I may. (laughter)

I, um...

I was sort of, you know, just starting out,

and I was... I went into this audition.

I really, really wanted this job so badly.

I'll bet, yeah.

That is a great story. And, of course...

Why don't we, uh, take a quick break

'cause we're out of time.

I wanna thank you for being here.

You've just been delightful,

and we'll be right back with David Duchovny.

David Duchovny next. (cheering and applause)

No flipping. No flipping.

Man: Clear!

That was so rude.

What? That was... you did great.

My next guest is the star

of Fox TV's hit series "The X-Files,"

and, uh, we're happy to have him.

Please welcome David Duchovny.

(cheering and applause)

Good to see you.

I'm such a big fan of "The X-Files."

Now, let me ask you, I... I... I...

I've been getting your letters, thank you.

Yes, well... They're appreciated.

So, "The X-Files" has... how do we describe it?

Does it have a cult following

or just a big, broad, mass following?

Because it's gotten very popular.

Well, you see, a cult following

is what, uh, the media or a network

likes to call a really small audience.

Right. So really bad ratings

is a cult following. Yeah.

So that's what we had in the beginning.

We had a cult following. Yeah.

Now we have a big cult following,

which is mediocre ratings.

Larry, on TV: Well, we still have a cult following.

Why don't we, uh, before we show the clip...

Right. why don't you go ahead and describe

a little bit about, "The X-Files," what it's about.

The show is about two FBI agents who are...

who are... who are investigating paranormal activity. Mm-hmm.

It would be anything unexplained that...

that, uh, that the FBI hasn't been able to solve.

Mostly murders, disappearances,

and things like this. Mm-hmm.

The character that I play is a believer

and my partner, played by Gillian Anderson,

is a non-believer, a scientist, a doctor. Mm-hmm.

So that we have this kind of Laurel and Hardy

with sexual tension relationship

if you can imagine that.

Something like what you guys got goin' here.

So, uh, but you know, every...

every time I try to explain the show,

it sounds really lame, and I have to... Mm-hmm.

I have to dismiss it the way I just did.

So I'd rather just... I'd rather just show the clip

and then maybe explain it after.

No, no, that was a good explanation anyway.

I don't think we need to, uh... well...

we've lost the clip. You...

Yeah, actually... do we have the clip?

No. I guess... Artie says we've misplaced the clip.

How... How do you lose a clip? That's not unusual around here.

We can misplace anything, so help me.

I'm sorry.

Well, maybe you'll come back again sometime...

Oh, yeah. And we'll be able to, uh,

show the clip. David, uh, Duchovny.

"X-files." Friday night on Fox.

We'll be right back with, uh, Jeff Cesario.

Where's the clip? Where's the clip?

(applause)

Man: We're clear.

I guess you really...

you could put that on "X-Files."

What the hell is going on?

You didn't lose that fucking clip. Huh?

Hey, what, are you serious? Yeah, well...

You know what you're accusing me of?

When Letterman bumped me,

at least he had the balls to do it to my face.

He didn't do this "ah, lost the clip" bullshit.

Artie: Oh, it's all... Why didn't you just tell me...

oh, dear boy, it's all my fault, but...

the segment was great.

File that "X" under "X-cellent."

This... it was very clever.

You know, when I get back to my lonely hotel room,

I'd like to see a big fucking fruit basket waiting for me.

Yes, with kiwi and mangoes, yes.

You know, I... I'd like to be on the show, though,

again, if I could. Larry: Sure.

Artie: Any time. Any time.

Put him on the Sean Young list.

Six minutes.

Mr. Cesario will try to make us laugh.

Hank will try to make us cry.

You're welcome any time, David.

Oh, thank you. This way out.

Look, you know, I really...

I would like to come back.

Yeah. No, great job. I'm tired, you know?

I work really hard. It was good. It was good.

Good to see ya. You know, I was...

Careful. Watch your step.

Mm-hmm.

Man: Back in five, four, three, two...

(applause) Welcome back.

My final guest tonight is a, uh,

very funny man who I love to watch.

Uh, I've seen him many times

because we used to work the clubs together.

Larry on TV: He's a good friend... Motel.

Stupid people. Wonderful comedian.

Please give a warm welcome to Jeff Cesario.

Jeff Cesario. (cheering and applause)

Jeff: Yeah! Thank you!

What?!

You guys sound great.

Any fans of the, uh, "Larry Sanders Show" here?

(cheering and applause)

I'm a huge fan myself. Although, uh...

I will watch any television. I'll confess.

I'll just watch anything. I'm sad. It's pathetic.

I will talk myself into programming.

You've done it. Don't... don't lie to me.

Three in the morning, just flipping around

with that remote control.

Just deeh. Deeh.

Maybe I wanna cut my own hair

with my own vacuum cleaner.

(laughter)

"Thank you, Larry. You know, my father,

"Hank Kingsley, Senior, big Hank...

"passed away this morning from liver failure.

Liver failure."

(audience laughter) (laughing)

"Wasn't a famous man."

You're on next, Hank. Mm-hmm.

You have 117 seconds,

and you'll bow respectfully for three.

Okay. Good luck.

All right, thanks.

(Jeff performing indistinctly, audience laughter)

You can get anywhere on television.

Just saw Michael Jackson's

whole interview weirdness thing there.

Wow, who would have thought

Latoya was the normal one? Jeez!

(laughter)

This fucker is going long.

Doesn't he know my father died?

Let's go.

(chuckling) (clearing throat)

They take the cake, the Menendez brothers, man.

They were... they were innocent.

They were... they were...

they were walked out of court innocent.

I don't know one person who likes these guys.

I think it's 'cause we all have a little voice

in the back of our heads that's sayin',

"You know, my dad was kind of an ass, too,

"but, hey, guys...

we just got him a crappy Christmas gift, okay?"

(laughter)

How'd you like to go duck hunting

with the Menendez brothers?

(laughter)

It took 'em 40 shots to kill their parents

and they were sittin' on the couch. Come on!

(laughter and applause)

Thank you!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you!

Jeff...

Yeah. Jeff Cesario.

(applause continues)

Jeff Cesario. Jeff Cesario.

Well, listen, uh, we only have...

very funny, and, uh, just a good friend.

We only have three minutes left tonight.

And before we go, I would like to turn it over to,

uh, Hank Kingsley here who has something,

uh, important he has to say before we,

uh, end the show tonight.

Um, thank you...

um, Larry. Hey now.

Uh... my dad, Hank Kingsley, Senior,

passed away, um, this morning from liver failure.

And, uh, I'd just like to talk about him for just a second.

He wasn't a famous man, and, um...

well, I will always feel a tremendous loss.

Uh...

I, uh, I don't even know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry. I didn't even...

I really actually didn't know this man.

So I don't, um...

I don't wanna do this.

So back to you. I'm sorry.

Well.

Uh... how much time do we have, uh?

Artie: Two minutes.

Two minutes.

Two minutes and 15 seconds.

We have two minutes and 15 seconds.

Very touching. I'm sorry about your father,

and, uh... hang in there.

I know how tough that can be.

How much time now? (audience chuckling)

One minute, 45 seconds. One minute, all right.

You don't feel like singin' that song

you've always wanted to sing?

All right.

Why don't we, uh...

take a moment for, uh, head...

uh, for Hank's, uh, dead dad?

(laughter)

You wanna just take a...

let's have a moment of silence

for Hank's, uh, father.

How much time, there, Artie?

Just about time to wrap it up?

Artie: About 45 seconds.

My final guest tonight is a, uh...

Larry: Jeff, I'm tellin' ya, you're gonna love it.

I told you guys no one would get bumped.

... 'cause we used to work the clubs together.

He's a good friend.

You know, it felt good to me. It felt really good.

But, I don't know. Was it good?

Jesus, Larry, was it good?

You're kidding, now, aren't you? No, I'm not.

You know how many times you've asked me that?

Christ, I hate to do this, but it's just... Don't do this.

You're starting to sound like one of those neurotic comics.

Man on TV: We interrupt "The Larry Sanders Show"

to bring you this live coverage of a breaking story:

Yet another freeway chase in Los Angeles.

As we begin our team coverage...

♪ ♪