Original subtitles

First of all, Your Honor,

I'm-- I'm here before the court this morning

to admit my culpability in all of this.

It was I who handed Miss Clark a question on a piece of paper

asking her to ask Mr. Kaelin...

if he had knowledge of the fact that

Michelle Aboudram, the maid back in 1989 Artie: Larry!

had opened the door to her quarters

allowing the defendant access to the room

and allowing him access to Nicole,

has heard, uh, a lot about, uh, their past relationship,

their past violent relationship,

that he called her names, that he used profanities,

that he, uh, said he might be pathologically jealous.

Uh, the jury has heard the 1993 tape.

Artie: Hey, Larry?

I think the jury has a-- a fair, um...

Artie: Larry, meeting.

Oh, okay, sorry.

Thank you.

I've called this meeting to talk about

the general malaise on the show.

As you all know, when you go into your tenth year,

it's easy to become bored and for the show

to become stale and predictable and--

Hey now! Oh, started on time.

Uh, Hank, we're trying to talk about ways

to keep the show fresh.

People, any thoughts?

Better guests? Better jokes.

I'm sorry, were we supposed to come with ideas?

Hank?

What guests, Paula?

Well, Kato Kaelin's people keep haranguing me.

Beverly: Kato Kaelin has people?

Artie: What do you think, Larry?

Huh?

Kato Kaelin? No.

Ditto. Big ratings.

Big ratings. No?

Maybe.

You know what's really sad is that people have forgotten

the real victims of this crime.

I-- I live on Rockingham, you know, and my property values

have just gone right in the toilet.

Are you done?

And now they've put a barricade

up on Rockingham to keep the, uh, tourists away?

So, now I have take Bristol Circle to Burlingame

all the way around to Canyon View,

I have to make a left on Sunset

where there's just no fucking light.

Really?! Artie: Come on!

God dammit, let's focus, come on!

Is that the same suit O.J. wore the last time he did the show?

No, the last time he was on, you bumped him for Faith Ford.

Hey, hey, who knew he was gonna get this hot?

Come on, people. We have a lot on the agenda.

Paula, please proceed.

Okay, John Travolta's agent said Friday looks good.

Wednesday, we have Roseanne.

Roseanne? All right, the meeting's over!

Thank you very much. Hank: Hey, good meeting!

This is just what we needed. A sense of direction.

Here we go, here-- Hank?

You got a problem with the Roseanne booking?

Yeah, I have a problem. I think you know that.

I think that's why you waited so long to tell me.

Didn't Paula mention it? No.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I think I'd remember.

I haven't seen Roseanne since we broke up.

That's ten months ago.

I thought you went to her wedding.

No, I didn't.

I thought you said you did. No, I didn't.

Well, aren't you a goddamn smart fella

because it was at Planet fucking Hollywood.

I mean, who wants to eat buffalo wings

sitting right next to Demi Moore's

torn panties from "Disclosure"?

You don't get it!

I came out of the People's Choice,

she's in the front seat of the limo

making out with the limo driver.

Ah! How many times do we have to go through this story?

Because she's gonna be on the show

and she's gonna talk about how she dumped me

and how she married him.

That's great! There'll be fireworks!

Oh, stop.

I smell sulfur. Stop it, please.

Okay.

Ivanka's on Thursday.

She's slim and sexy.

She puts the "supe" in supermodel.

Thursday?

Yeah, why don't you have dinner with her tonight?

Maybe go over the questions.

Precisely.

Artie: Ivanka!

Keep your mind off of Roseanne.

Hey, Roseanne who?

These days, who the fuck knows.

I was supposed to get the "Swimsuit Issue" cover,

but they fucked me.

Oh, boy, that is, uh, that's awful. That's awful.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You're gonna be great on the show, though.

Thank you. Yeah, you are.

I really like you.

Do you like me?

I do, I like you, I like you.

Oh. Um...

what would you, uh, like to have?

I'll have whatever you're having.

Okay, we'll both have the, um, the tuna.

Um, except for tuna.

Because when they kill tuna, they kill dolphins. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And dolphins are people. People of the sea.

Oh.

How about the, uh, swordfish then, okay?

Is that all right 'cause-- Are they fish?

They're fish, they're not people, fish.

That's why it ends... ends in fish.

Thank you. That'll be fine.

The lingerie catalog really fucked me.

Pardon me?

The lingerie catalog, they really, really fucked me.

The lingerie catalog fucked you? Mm-hmm.

If I had to... do what you do,

I-- I don't know how you do it.

How's the pilot?

Oh, I play a maid

and Jeff Conaway plays the divorced dad.

Yeah, he's great, he's great, I like him.

That'll be good. (phone rings)

Oh, fuck...

Hello?

(speaking Russian)

Larry Sanders, da.

(speaking Russian)

(dishes clang)

Do svidaniya.

I really like you.

Do you wanna see me again?

I can't-- Look at me.

I would love to see you. Look at me.

Tell me the truth. Yeah.

Because I really like you. Do you--

Do you wanna see me again?

First, by way of history,

the court twice that day...

(phone ringing) had to admonish counsel

for conduct that was in violation

(phone ringing) of the court's regulations the prior week.

(answering machine beep)

Roseanne on phone: Larry, you asshole, I know you're there.

It's Roseanne.

And I'm doing your show in a couple days.

I think we should talk before we get on the air.

Call me if you have the balls.

(phone disconnects)

(sighs)

(line ringing)

Beverly on phone: Hello? Hello, uh, Beverly?

Larry? Yeah.

Larry, it's 2:00 in the morning.

What happened? Yeah.

Did your date go badly or something?

No, no, no, no, I think she likes me.

Well, then what's upsetting you?

Did Letterman have Tom Hanks on again or--

No, I don't think so.

Did Leno have the Ito dancers on again?

I don't know. Listen, Beverly, didn't you mention something

a couple months ago to me about a therapist

or a counselor or something like that?

Mm, a psychiatrist.

Yeah, yeah, that might've been it.

What-- what was his name?

Dr. Reisman, he, uh, he sees a lot of celebrities.

Right, yeah, like who? (sighs)

Harrison Ford, Steve Martin,

Michelle Pfeiffer...

Who else?

Excuse me, are you Larry Sanders?

No.

(door opens)

Larry?

Hey, Chevy. Nice to see you.

Hey, good to see you. What brings you here?

Uh... Did the show get cancelled?

No, no, no, not yet.

That's not why I'm here either.

Oh.

No, that's behind me. It's been 18 months now, so...

Good. I thought it was 19 months.

On the 12th. Right.

I should never have done that show.

Well-- I had fish behind my head, I, I...

Everybody said, "Fish, why fish?"

I don't know why fish, I just thought, you know,

it would look good, but, uh, you know.

Is Dr. Reisman good, uh...

He's great. Oh, good.

Changed my life.

So, let me get this straight.

You proposed to Roseanne when you were taking the pills.

No.

She helped me get off the pills.

And then I proposed to her.

So, you were off the pills

when you proposed. Interesting. Uh-huh.

How long were you two together?

(sighs) Long time.

From the, uh, Emmys all the way through the People's Choice.

Hmm. I mean, I really tried.

Well, Larry, it seems to me that you don't want to see Roseanne

but you feel that you're being forced.

Oh, I mean, you know, if they're already running the promos...

Larry, if you want to resolve this thing with Roseanne,

I think that you should pick a time and a place

that makes you comfortable,

and that means if you don't want her on the show,

you don't have her on the show.

I mean, it's that simple. It's your life.

Artie wouldn't understand that.

Forget Artie.

He's a producer.

It's his job to put the show first.

You have to put you first.

You know, you're right.

And I-- I don't do that.

Hello, Mayor, Hank Kingsley.

Uh, listen, a little problem, an easy fix.

Uh, as you know, I live on, um, on Rockingham.

And... (chuckling) someone has put a...

a huge barricade up

to keep the O.J. gawkers away.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm a celebrity. I like gawkers.

But what I-- I don't like is having to drive eight full minutes

out of my way followed by gawkers.

I hope this is still recording.

Uh, um, Phil, Phil, Philly?

I-- I-- I need to-- Uh, could--

Phil, could you, um, could you do me a favor?

You know that, uh, that joke I've been doing

in the, um, in the warm-up?

Yeah, the one about Clinton inhaling? (chuckling) Yeah.

For some reason, and maybe it's-- it's-- it's me,

but it's just not getting that

"whah" laugh.

It-- it used to, and I was just wondering,

could you toss me a new line?

Okay, um... Good.

You could say that, uh, you live on Rockingham,

just a knife's throw from O.J.'s house.

(wincing)

Uh, no, I don't think I could do that one.

That-- that-- that implies O.J. is guilty.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I-- I don't-- I don't think he is.

Hank, please, don't tell me you're one of those.

Hey, I have met this man.

He's always been nice to me.

He is a-- he's a great guest.

He's a good neighbor, always kept his lawn up.

Oh, that's nice, but, uh, what about all the evidence?

What about all the blood?

Well, hey, I'm-- I'm sure if you looked at all my underwear,

you'd find some blood there too.

No, they found blood on his socks.

Yeah, well, I'm-- I'm gonna go out and murder someone

without my shoes on.

Come on, come on.

They found blood on his Bronco,

they found blood in his house, Mm-hmm.

they found a bloody glove on his property.

How do you explain all of that?

He's-- he's always been nice to me.

(sighs)

I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you.

What?

I am freaking out.

(audience chatter, music playing)

Live wire bunch.

Set to go, kiddo?

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Ed.

Feel great. Never felt better.

Listen, uh, bump Roseanne tomorrow, okay?

Thanks. Appreciate it.

You're kidding, huh? No, I'm not kidding.

I'm serious. Is that a problem?

Big mistake, big, big mistake. (theme music playing)

Really? For me or the show?

We agreed to have her on, didn't we?

No, no, you agreed to have her on.

I think you care a little bit more about the show

than you do about my personal well-being.

Hank: Join Larry and his guests...

What's with you? Nothing.

I'll see Roseanne on my own terms, that's all.

Hank: ...and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.

And now because he's the only one who

Just bump her. Is that such a big deal? memorized the monologue...

Shit crowd. Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

(theme music playing)

Well, how about the O.J. trial?

Really, I-- didn't you think it would be over by now?

All kidding aside, I-- I mean-- I mean, seriously, if--

I don't wanna say it's been going long,

but if O.J. had really just admitted

he was guilty from the get-go, he'd be out by now.

(audience laughing)

The latest DNA study now shows

O.J. didn't even gain those 2,000 yards.

There have been a lot of, uh...

See, you're sorry you stood, aren't you?

(audience laughing)

Hey, Artie.

Chevy!

Oh, lovely to see you, dear boy.

What do we owe the honor of your presence?

Oh, uh, when I saw Larry at the shrink today,

he said drop by, which I thought was nice.

When was that?

This afternoon. Oh, right.

At the shrink. Larry: ...screwing their girlfriend.

(applause) (laughs)

So, did anyone see, uh,

Hillary Clinton on, uh, "Oprah" the other day?

(audience reacts)

Yes, the title of the show was "Women Married to American

Presidents who Cheat on Them with Fat, Blonde Whores."

It was really... (audience howls)

an excellent...

excellent show.

I'm doing the monologue and you're talking to Chevy Chase

at the monitor and then Beverly,

and then you're muttering to yourself at one point?

Where are your pants?

I flushed them down the toilet with the rest of tonight's show.

Who'd you get to replace Roseanne?

Did you get anybody?

Oh, yes, indeed! Mr. Richard Simmons!

Oh, good!

That's the best you could do, Richard Simmons.

Well, let's call Dr. Reisman for a last-minute booking idea.

Okay, good.

So, you know about the therapist.

Well, let me tell you something.

He does not make any decisions.

I make the decisions, okay?

Then he can produce the show

and you can come to my office, lie on my couch,

and cry about your mammy.

Oh, really?

Well, he doesn't care about the show.

Man: Larry! He has-- Doc, in here.

Oh, great job tonight. Thanks for inviting me.

Glad you could make it.

This is Artie, my producer.

Artie. Delighted.

Excuse me, I'm gonna get some pants.

Dr. Reisman, no one has a deeper respect

for psychiatry than I do,

and I know that when we get to Larry,

we're both on the same side, but...

I think there's certain guidelines

we should observe here.

Oh, before you go any further,

let me tell you that I can't discuss Larry's case.

Oh, what horseshit.

You voodoo doctors are all the same.

Soon, you'll have Larry recovering a false memory

of an uncle who tried to touch his pecker.

Good morning, Hank.

God... dammit!

Some-- some-- somebody egged my fucking car.

Did either of you two see anyone near my car?

We have to park in Lot D.

The shuttle doesn't pass by your space.

You know, none of this would've happened

if they would've given me the spot next to the stage,

but no.

They have to give it to Bill Hanson.

That's a handicap spot, Hank.

Bill Hanson is a paraplegic.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you got a good spot

from years of hard work.

Turns out all you have to do is dive into a shallow pond.

I can't imagine why anyone would want to egg your car.

(sighs) Oh!

Sorry, it's just, uh--

It is just so scary

knowing there is someone out there and they--

they wanna get you.

Well, did you have a run-in with anybody lately?

Oh, no.

Well...

There's that fucking security guard.

And there's that fucking waitress at the commissary.

Oh, no.

It's the fat grip.

Here are the notes for Barry White and the promos.

These are the notes for Betty White?

Barry White, the icon of love.

(knocking on door) I see, well, you know--

Come in.

Roseanne's on line two.

She wants to speak to you right way.

About what? I don't know

Well, what, wh-- what did she say?

That she wants to speak to you right away.

Well, what were her, you know, exact words?

Exact words? Yes.

"Tell that limp dick asshole if he wants to bump me,

"he should have the balls to do it himself

"or I'm gonna come down there and beat his fat ass

just the way he likes it."

I just said that I liked it.

What line is she on? Two.

Line two, Artie.

Uh, if I'm not mistaken,

you-- you wanna bump her for personal reasons?

That would be Dr. Reisman's jurisdiction.

Paula: Still blinking.

Listen, why don't you--

Uh, Larry?

Roseanne's on line three.

I thought she was on line two? She is on line two.

Well, she's on line three, and she's really mad.

Great. It's these multiple personalities, okay?

Line four just lit up.

Perhaps you could arrange a conference call

between you, Dr. Reisman and the 12 Roseannes.

If you need me for any questions about the show,

I'll be in my show office.

All right.

(sighs)

I'm gonna take control here.

You'd like me to tell her she's not bumped.

Hey, that's a good idea. Okay.

Let's do that.

All right, good.

You little prick.

You little prick!

What? You did it!

You egged my car!

What are you talking about?

What am I talking ab--

My Bentley is covered with eggs!

Well, why would you think that I did that?

What-- What are-- What are those?

Those things in the egg carton? Yes.

Those are eggs. They're-- Yes, those are eggs, Phil.

Well, I need protein.

I like eggs, what's weird about that?

(laughing)

You have dried egg on your shoe.

Where were you this morning?

McDonald's with a friend.

Hey, listen, Hank, if I had egged your car,

would I be dumb enough to leave dried egg on my shoe?

There's eggshells on the table.

There's eggshells on the floor--

You have, um...

Yolk.

Yolk!

On your fingers!

Okay, calm down. Mmm!

Listen, you're obviously very upset.

Mmm. Okay?

I don't know.

I mean, maybe it was a drug deal gone bad

that led to this horrible egging.

But I have to assure you, Hank, that I am 100% not guilty.

Oh...

I get it, I get it.

Okay, it's clever, it's very good.

O.J., right?

Okay, you say you didn't do it?

I didn't do it. Fine.

And I believe you didn't do it...

until you're proved guilty in a court of law.

Fuck you, Hank. Of course I did it.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You clean it up!

Or I'm gonna tell Artie!

There you are. Was that Chevy?

Yeah, you told him to stop by before the show.

Yeah, yesterday, I did.

Roseanne's in her dressing room.

She wants to speak to you right away.

Chevy: Larry?

Roseanne: I can't wear this dress! I'm pregnant, you dipshit!

(whispering) Excuse me, would you close the door?

Roseanne: Who shut that door?

It's like a goddamn sauna in here!

Open it, open it, open it.

And of course, those are the big sellers

at the penitentiary gift shop as they were.

We'll be right back with, uh, Roseanne.

No flipping, no flipping.

(cheering and applause)

(music playing)

You know what, uh, you what Phil did?

The little prick, he egged-- he egged my car.

Larry? Larry?

Um, don't do this.

Uh, uh, talk to me.

Okay, I'm gonna have to pretend I'm talking, talking to you.

(mouthing silently)

(laughing)

Larry, old son,

I know you're sitting there thinking

you can't handle facing Roseanne,

and it's gonna be awkward and painful.

I'm gonna tell you something, buddy boy,

that Dr. Reisman doesn't know about you.

This is exactly where you should face Roseanne because

this television show is where you are in total command.

Where no one gets the best of you.

Where you are the king.

Man: And we're back in five.

Fear not, hombre.

Fireworks! I smell sulfur.

Okay, we're back.

We're back from this commercial break.

(cheering and applause)

We're back.

And, uh, of course, my, uh, next guest is a, uh,

a wonderful woman, beautiful woman, very talented.

We're, uh, big fans of hers here

on the, uh, "Larry Sanders Show."

Please give a warm welcome to, of course,

the one and only Roseanne.

(cheering and applause)

(music playing)

It's all right.

Hi.

Gosh, you just look, uh, you look great.

Thanks for being here. Well, that was weird.

What was weird?

Just then, when you didn't know whether to kiss me or not.

Well, I didn't know whether--

Well, for those of you who don't know, I-- I--

Roseanne and I used to actually, uh, date and, uh...

We were lovers. Well...

This is not, this is not mine. I don't, uh--

No, and thank God.

Because, uh, you know, I had the ultrasound,

and it couldn't be yours because it had

a penis and a brain.

(audience laughing)

(applause)

I-- I believe I have one of those.

(audience laughing)

You never wanted to actually have kids anyway, did you, Larry?

Because, you know, Larry doesn't want children.

He's one of those weird people who are just

much too selfish to want children.

No, that is-- that is not the case.

I-- I would've loved to have had--

I guess I would feel competitive over in the breastfeeding area.

I think that I would be there, uh, you know,

nudging the child out of the way.

I have to be honest with you.

Yeah, I would also play some romantic music

and maybe a glass of wine for the breastfeeding.

As opposed to the child

who hasn't learned that technique yet.

Children can just go right at it. There's no-- no small talk.

You become an adult.

It's gotta become a whole thing.

And then the next day,

you're running around yelling, "I got lucky."

The kid... the kid takes it for granted. (audience laughing)

That's where I would have trouble.

I would have huge arguments with the child.

I would-- That's the first thing I would teach him. Do not take this for granted.

It will be 18 years before you see another one.

(audience laughing)

That's what I would say.

(applause)

So, I think that you were mad at me because--

basically because I dumped you.

No, I-- I...

I dumped you, I believe.

No, I-- I believe that I dumped you because your idea of fun

is sitting home every single night watching your own show.

(laughing)

Wait a minute, we watched your show.

Yeah, but my show's funny.

(audience laughing)

(applause)

You're just pissed because you caught me

and my wonderful husband, Ben, doing it.

(audience whooping)

As I-- as I recall...

uh, we had, uh,

sex a couple of times, uh,

in the limo while Ben was driving.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, but the only thing I remember

about sex with you in the limo is that Ben was driving.

(audience laughing)

(both laughing)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Rosie, you were great, thank you.

Sensational! God. Wasn't she? God.

Mazel tov on the bambino.

You're the funniest woman we've had on the show

since Janet Reno.

Thanks. It was so good to see you, really.

(chuckling) I cannot believe that you tried to bump me.

(nervous sigh)

Yeah, well, you know, I was hurt.

And, uh, I-- I tried to hurt you back, I guess,

and that's-- I was gonna bump you, okay?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, you know,

if I hurt your feelings and everything.

I was just hoping we could get past all that

and we could still be friends somehow.

Good. At least show business friends.

Of course we can.

I'll always be there for you.

(splashing on floor)

What is that?

Oh, my god.

I think my water just broke.

Are you-- Surf's up!

Giving the jury the impression

that, uh, Mr. Kaelin

was aware of an incident in 1989

is bad enough, but...

Ah, dammit!

Why couldn't she have done that on tonight's show?

We would have worldwide publicity. (chuckling)

How you feeling, buddy?

Good, good, good.

I'm glad you made me do that.

Dr. Reisman wanted me to run away like some little girl.

How's Roseanne doing, good?

Oh, she's doing just fine.

Good, good, good.

Well, now that this is behind us,

let's turn our attention to tomorrow night's show.

We have Ivanka, Blues Traveler,

and Kato Kaelin.

No, no, no.

Bump Ivanka.

(theme music playing)