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1
00:00:10,269 --> 00:00:13,049
The National Cancer Committee,
their benefit's on the ninth,
2
00:00:13,070 --> 00:00:14,230
at the Bel Air Hotel.
3
00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:16,180
Okay, I'll do that one.
4
00:00:16,199 --> 00:00:18,009
My grandmother had that.
5
00:00:18,030 --> 00:00:21,000
The Los Angeles Diabetes
Research Fund Annual Dinner,
6
00:00:21,019 --> 00:00:22,019
the 28th.
7
00:00:22,039 --> 00:00:24,109
Yeah, that one too.
8
00:00:24,129 --> 00:00:25,159
I had an aunt
who had that.
9
00:00:27,190 --> 00:00:31,040
Uh, the Center for Heart
Disease, emcee and perform.
10
00:00:31,059 --> 00:00:32,229
Yeah, I'll do that one too
because I had an uncle
11
00:00:32,250 --> 00:00:34,090
who had that.
12
00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:35,129
Am I going too fast for you?
13
00:00:35,149 --> 00:00:36,239
Huh? No, I'm just
starting to realize
14
00:00:36,259 --> 00:00:38,129
I have about six months
left to live.
15
00:00:38,149 --> 00:00:42,279
Okay, the Young Man's Christian
Association barbecue.
16
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,220
Emcee and take part in the
celebrity three-legged race.
17
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,080
Boy, I did that one last year.
18
00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:49,210
I dragged Joel Grey about
20 yards before I'd realized
19
00:00:49,229 --> 00:00:50,279
he'd fallen down.
20
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,100
Talented man, father
of actress Jennifer Grey.
21
00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:55,039
Yes, but this year,
you'll be partnered
22
00:00:55,060 --> 00:00:56,120
with Molly Ringwald.
23
00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,100
Oh... is she athletic?
24
00:00:58,119 --> 00:00:59,249
I don't think so.
Pass.
25
00:00:59,270 --> 00:01:01,090
He can't do
'em all, Beverly.
26
00:01:01,109 --> 00:01:03,099
Can't do 'em all.
Okay, scheduling
conflict?
27
00:01:03,119 --> 00:01:05,059
Yeah, we'll say that.
I just decided-- you know what?
28
00:01:05,079 --> 00:01:06,249
That I'm not gonna do
any benefits unless they're
29
00:01:06,269 --> 00:01:08,069
for a cause
I really believe in
30
00:01:08,090 --> 00:01:09,180
or something I wanna get
involved with.
31
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,070
Since when?
32
00:01:11,090 --> 00:01:12,250
Personal decision I've made.
33
00:01:12,269 --> 00:01:15,169
When?
Since, uh, years ago,
34
00:01:15,189 --> 00:01:17,209
but I think it's just time
I start sticking to it.
35
00:01:17,230 --> 00:01:19,010
I applaud you, sir.
36
00:01:19,030 --> 00:01:21,010
Charity begins at home,
37
00:01:21,030 --> 00:01:23,230
except in Hollywood where it
begins at 7:00 PM every night
38
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,240
in every fucking
hotel ballroom in town.
39
00:01:25,260 --> 00:01:27,030
Well, if I were you,
40
00:01:27,049 --> 00:01:28,259
I'd think about doing this one
for glaucoma.
41
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,230
It's in New York, they're
offering you airfare,
42
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:33,290
a suite at the Waldorf and they
wanna pay you
43
00:01:34,009 --> 00:01:34,999
a whole lot of money.
44
00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:36,100
Hey.
Well, you know what though?
45
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,010
This is, this is about
my personal beliefs.
46
00:01:38,030 --> 00:01:40,010
This is not about money.
47
00:01:40,030 --> 00:01:42,220
The Disabled
Voter's Coalition.
48
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,160
When? Where?
How much?
49
00:01:44,180 --> 00:01:47,200
The 10th in Santa Monica
and they'll pay you $2500.
50
00:01:47,219 --> 00:01:48,219
What, are they kidding?
51
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,030
No, that's
what it says.
52
00:01:50,049 --> 00:01:51,039
Oh, cheapskates.
53
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:52,210
All right, call 'em,
54
00:01:52,229 --> 00:01:55,139
tell 'em maybe if they
send a helicopter.
55
00:01:55,159 --> 00:01:56,199
Otherwise, no dice.
56
00:01:56,219 --> 00:01:57,999
Okay.
Next?
57
00:01:58,020 --> 00:02:01,110
Sickle cell anemia, Dallas on
the 20th, $7500.
58
00:02:01,129 --> 00:02:04,029
Right, I think Paul Anka did
them last year, so call,
59
00:02:04,049 --> 00:02:05,119
find out how much he made,
60
00:02:05,140 --> 00:02:09,040
make sure I get the same plus
5% and of course, the uh...
61
00:02:09,060 --> 00:02:11,080
(whistles)
62
00:02:11,099 --> 00:02:12,179
Oh, helicopter!
Right.
63
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:15,059
Oh wait, Hank,
that's a conflict.
64
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,230
You have Alzheimer's
on the 20th.
65
00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:18,240
Damn!
66
00:02:18,259 --> 00:02:20,239
Now how much do they pay?
Uh, $5,000.
67
00:02:20,259 --> 00:02:23,239
And the other people?
$7,500.
68
00:02:23,259 --> 00:02:25,089
Goodbye, Alzheimer's.
69
00:02:25,110 --> 00:02:26,250
Hank, you've done
Alzheimer's every year
70
00:02:26,270 --> 00:02:28,100
for the last five years.
71
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,050
You sure you wanna cancel just
because another group is
72
00:02:30,069 --> 00:02:31,089
offering you more money?
73
00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:33,210
Well, for your information,
Miss Smartypants, I have been
74
00:02:33,229 --> 00:02:35,209
thinking about
dropping Alzheimer's.
75
00:02:35,229 --> 00:02:37,129
I mean, five years--
come on, guys!
76
00:02:37,150 --> 00:02:38,210
Where's the cure?
77
00:02:38,229 --> 00:02:39,999
How do we look?
78
00:02:40,020 --> 00:02:41,190
You're totally booked
through the end of October.
79
00:02:41,210 --> 00:02:43,080
All right!
80
00:02:43,099 --> 00:02:44,219
And I'm still trying to get
a firm date
81
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,110
for the International Council
for Blood Disease weekend
82
00:02:47,129 --> 00:02:48,209
in Puerto Rico.
83
00:02:48,229 --> 00:02:50,129
Yes! Firm date!
Get it!
84
00:02:50,150 --> 00:02:54,200
Puerto Rico, the sun, the fun,
the beach, the gambling!
85
00:02:54,219 --> 00:02:56,219
Mm-hmm!
86
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,040
Wow.
87
00:02:58,060 --> 00:03:00,050
Feels good helping people,
doesn't it?
88
00:03:00,069 --> 00:03:01,129
Yes, sir.
89
00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:03,020
Now, get on the phone.
90
00:03:03,039 --> 00:03:06,039
Make sure you get me something
for this Saturday.
91
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:08,010
Oh, and um, Darlene?
92
00:03:08,030 --> 00:03:09,160
Remember.
93
00:03:10,159 --> 00:03:13,019
Oh, right,
uh, nothing contagious.
94
00:03:15,110 --> 00:03:16,260
(door closes)
95
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,110
(door opens)
96
00:03:18,129 --> 00:03:19,179
Oh, perdon!
97
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:22,159
I see you're giving your
eyes a cool cucumber rest.
98
00:03:22,180 --> 00:03:23,250
Yes, I am.
99
00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:25,120
Well, you deserve it,
my boy.
100
00:03:25,139 --> 00:03:26,999
Thank you.
101
00:03:27,020 --> 00:03:30,020
But could you interrupt the
interlude for a mo' and take
102
00:03:30,039 --> 00:03:31,099
a stroll down to the stage?
103
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,180
It's Gaffer Glen's first day
back after they've
104
00:03:33,199 --> 00:03:35,049
reattached his thumb!
105
00:03:35,069 --> 00:03:37,029
Well, you know, I don't really
know Gaffer Glen.
106
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,200
There's cake.
107
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:40,189
But you know, I should take a...
108
00:03:40,210 --> 00:03:42,190
look at his thumb.
109
00:03:42,210 --> 00:03:43,210
Did they do a nice job?
110
00:03:43,229 --> 00:03:45,159
Fan-fucking-tastic.
111
00:03:45,180 --> 00:03:46,290
Any other details?
112
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:49,229
Well, he should regain full
flexibility if all goes well.
113
00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:51,030
No, I mean about the cake.
114
00:03:51,050 --> 00:03:54,030
Mocha frosting-- mm-hm!
115
00:03:54,050 --> 00:03:56,060
Paula, I have some
news you'll just love.
116
00:03:56,079 --> 00:03:57,219
Yes, I just got the word.
117
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,010
Rob Reiner's
doing our show.
118
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,070
Oh, great!
119
00:04:01,090 --> 00:04:02,240
That is great news!
Finally!
120
00:04:02,259 --> 00:04:04,169
How many times have I said since
we started this show
121
00:04:04,189 --> 00:04:05,219
that we should
have Rob Reiner on?
122
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,240
Who's got time
to count, right?
123
00:04:06,259 --> 00:04:08,229
Well, he has an aversion
to doing talk shows,
124
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:10,120
but he made an exception
in your case.
125
00:04:10,139 --> 00:04:12,019
Terrific!
Good!
126
00:04:12,039 --> 00:04:13,239
And your hair's the same color
it was last week too.
127
00:04:13,259 --> 00:04:14,249
That's good.
128
00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:16,210
Yes, it is.
Thank you.
129
00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:18,150
There you go, Artie.
Rob Reiner!
130
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,250
Rob Reiner, it is!
131
00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:22,140
That's the kind
of guest we need.
132
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,270
Adds depth.
133
00:04:23,290 --> 00:04:25,120
Sets a tone.
134
00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:26,259
Tone, it does.
135
00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:29,009
I love Meathead.
Yeah, this is perfect.
136
00:04:29,029 --> 00:04:31,109
I'm telling ya,
this is the kind of guest
we have to have all the time.
137
00:04:31,129 --> 00:04:32,209
Smart, interesting,
138
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,180
someone I can have an
intelligent conversation with.
139
00:04:34,199 --> 00:04:37,039
Sounds like heap big fun.
Yeah.
140
00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:39,110
Why aren't you more excited
about Rob Reiner?
He's gonna be great.
141
00:04:39,129 --> 00:04:40,229
Listen, I loved
"A Few Good Men"
142
00:04:40,250 --> 00:04:42,020
as well as the next jamoke
and jabroni,
143
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,230
but I've heard that
since he's become a director,
144
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,090
he's become very serious.
145
00:04:46,110 --> 00:04:48,150
Now, you know that happens
to creative geniuses.
146
00:04:48,170 --> 00:04:53,040
To all except my good friend,
Professor Irwin Corey.
147
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:56,040
Who we can have on again
as often as you want.
148
00:04:56,060 --> 00:04:57,060
I'll make a note.
149
00:04:59,079 --> 00:05:01,129
Don't mime.
Okay, sorry.
150
00:05:01,149 --> 00:05:04,179
I heard, uh, "Spinal Tap"
was almost all improvised.
151
00:05:04,199 --> 00:05:06,099
I'm gonna ask him
about that on the air.
152
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,100
I'll be so entertained.
153
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,160
Uh, no matter what you do,
you're gonna be able to tell
154
00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:12,280
there's no head on the horse.
It's gonna look stupid.
155
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,180
Phil:
No, no, no, I asked
Props for heads and lassos.
156
00:05:16,199 --> 00:05:19,019
All we need is some range
in our little sound.
157
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,030
(imitating horse neighing)
158
00:05:20,050 --> 00:05:21,090
Whoa, boy!
159
00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:22,110
Mmmm.
Easy.
160
00:05:22,129 --> 00:05:24,249
This-- this
Mike Ditka question--
161
00:05:24,269 --> 00:05:26,129
I'm supposed to ask him
about his new cat?
162
00:05:26,149 --> 00:05:28,099
No, you're supposed to ask him
about his new car.
163
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:29,270
Well, this is a "T."
164
00:05:29,290 --> 00:05:30,280
No, it's not a "T."
165
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,080
It doesn't make sense, does it?
166
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:33,270
"Getting in an accident,
driving your new cat
167
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,100
down the Santa
Monica Freeway."
168
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,170
Oh, I thought it
said "chasing."
169
00:05:36,189 --> 00:05:37,279
It says "driving"?
(laughing) Yes.
170
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,040
Come on, buckaroo, let's,
let's have the sketch, come on.
171
00:05:40,060 --> 00:05:41,210
Well, we're ready
to do the sketch,
172
00:05:41,230 --> 00:05:43,040
but we can't do it
without Hank, I believe.
173
00:05:43,060 --> 00:05:45,260
Where's Hank?
Hank? I'll find him.
174
00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:47,069
And, Phil, another--
175
00:05:47,090 --> 00:05:48,220
I don't get the
side-saddle joke.
176
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:51,240
Uh--
So, I'd like my balls are
killing me if we don't--
177
00:05:51,259 --> 00:05:53,099
Ice!
Thank you.
178
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,240
Excuse me?
Larry, could you sign this?
179
00:05:55,259 --> 00:05:58,009
And just so that you know,
I just got a call
180
00:05:58,029 --> 00:06:00,209
from the National Association
for Nerve Deafness.
181
00:06:00,230 --> 00:06:01,220
Uh-huh.
182
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,160
Well, their fundraiser's
on Saturday.
183
00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:06,020
Rob Reiner's on their board
and he suggested your name.
184
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,030
Rob Reiner did?
185
00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:08,060
Yes, he did.
Hey, that's great!
186
00:06:08,079 --> 00:06:10,149
You gotta do that one.
187
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,200
For nerve deafness?
188
00:06:11,220 --> 00:06:12,280
Yes?
What about it?
189
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,030
Huh?
No-- hey...
190
00:06:16,050 --> 00:06:18,210
I'm supposed to do some benefit
for nerve deafness Saturday?
191
00:06:18,230 --> 00:06:20,110
Oh, jump on it.
192
00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:22,149
Good cause, good people,
great caterer.
193
00:06:22,170 --> 00:06:25,040
Piece of advice.
They'll send a town car
194
00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:27,290
if you don't
specify stretch limo.
Other than that, primo!
195
00:06:28,009 --> 00:06:30,049
Yeah, no, it sounds
like it's a good cause,
but I have a new policy
196
00:06:30,069 --> 00:06:32,129
about doing benefits and
doing it for the right reasons.
197
00:06:32,149 --> 00:06:34,029
Just pass.
Okay, Lar.
198
00:06:34,050 --> 00:06:35,150
Artie:
There goes
Mr. Reiner.
199
00:06:35,170 --> 00:06:38,020
I can see Roberino disappearing
into the clouds right now.
200
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,180
(whistling)
Larry:
What do you think?
201
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,139
He's not gonna do the show
unless I do the benefit?
202
00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:42,189
Is that what
you're saying?
203
00:06:42,209 --> 00:06:44,159
Aw, shit, Larry,
this is Hollywood.
204
00:06:44,180 --> 00:06:46,100
You know, one hand
washes the other.
205
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,110
Scratch my back, I'll scratch
yours, you know.
206
00:06:48,129 --> 00:06:49,269
Tit for tat.
207
00:06:49,290 --> 00:06:50,290
Done with your metaphors?
208
00:06:51,009 --> 00:06:52,239
Más o menos, hombre.
209
00:06:52,259 --> 00:06:56,219
It's an irrefutable fact
when somebody like Rob Reiner
210
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,210
gives you a call, you do it!
Right, Hank?
211
00:06:58,230 --> 00:07:00,060
That's right.
212
00:07:02,259 --> 00:07:04,219
Who are you, Big Chief
LensCrafters?
213
00:07:07,050 --> 00:07:08,270
I don't think Indians
had glasses.
214
00:07:08,290 --> 00:07:11,100
And aren't you gonna
wear facial paint?
215
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,200
Yeah, but I mean-- Of course,
but this is just a rehearsal,
216
00:07:13,220 --> 00:07:14,260
you don't wanna--
But still.
217
00:07:16,199 --> 00:07:18,219
So, you could have
wore face paint.
218
00:07:21,079 --> 00:07:22,199
Makeup!
219
00:07:24,189 --> 00:07:27,209
You're makin' a big,
big mistake.
220
00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:29,010
You don't think
face paint's important?
221
00:07:29,029 --> 00:07:30,209
I'm talking about Rob Reiner.
222
00:07:30,230 --> 00:07:32,050
Oh, well, you wanna
know something?
223
00:07:32,069 --> 00:07:33,189
(clears throat)
224
00:07:33,209 --> 00:07:36,079
I think Rob Reiner's a bigger
man than you think and I am
225
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:39,120
going to put my faith this
time in another human being.
226
00:07:39,139 --> 00:07:40,999
Sometimes, Larry,
you act like you've been
227
00:07:41,019 --> 00:07:42,099
in the business
for two days.
228
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,190
Thank you.
229
00:07:43,209 --> 00:07:45,999
I'll take that
as a compliment.
230
00:07:46,019 --> 00:07:47,089
Just believe, Artie.
He'll be here.
231
00:07:47,110 --> 00:07:48,250
Okay.
232
00:07:48,269 --> 00:07:49,269
Okay, are we ready to do this?
233
00:07:49,290 --> 00:07:51,020
We need Hank.
234
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,030
C'mon, Phil!
235
00:07:52,050 --> 00:07:53,060
Where is he?
236
00:07:59,069 --> 00:08:00,209
Too much.
237
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:03,040
It looks like one of the stage
productions of "Cats."
238
00:08:05,189 --> 00:08:07,049
Makeup!
239
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,039
We'll get letters, Artie,
it's not authentic.
240
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,070
Okay, you wanna take five?
241
00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:11,079
Okay!
242
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,000
Vinnie, where's K.O.?
(whispers)
243
00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:14,279
Huh?
244
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,080
Ice!
245
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,010
Props, ice!
246
00:08:18,029 --> 00:08:19,129
For Larry's balls!
247
00:08:19,149 --> 00:08:21,049
(audience laughs)
Now you see this sign up here?
248
00:08:21,069 --> 00:08:23,189
That says... "applesauce."
249
00:08:23,209 --> 00:08:24,219
(audience laughs)
250
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,280
No.
It says, uh, "applause."
251
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:28,290
(audience applauding)
252
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,009
Whoa!
253
00:08:30,029 --> 00:08:31,149
(chuckling)
254
00:08:31,170 --> 00:08:34,220
You got excited there for
a second, didn't you, sir?
255
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,040
Not a shy eater, are you?
256
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:38,069
(audience laughing)
257
00:08:38,090 --> 00:08:39,190
You know what they
say about this guy?
258
00:08:39,210 --> 00:08:41,170
When he sits
around the house...
259
00:08:41,190 --> 00:08:43,250
(faint chatter)
260
00:08:45,090 --> 00:08:46,250
Hank, what's wrong?
What's wrong?
261
00:08:46,269 --> 00:08:48,209
I've been looking
for you for 45 minutes.
262
00:08:48,230 --> 00:08:50,200
Where the hell you been?
I was with
my aroma therapist.
263
00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:52,100
All right, never mind,
never mind.
264
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:55,250
This Saturday night, nerve
deafness, they need an emcee.
265
00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:57,039
Larry passed.
Yeah.
266
00:08:57,059 --> 00:09:00,139
And you might tell 'em I have
some nerve deafness.
267
00:09:00,159 --> 00:09:01,269
Hank, that is so sad.
268
00:09:03,029 --> 00:09:04,219
I really don't
have nerve deafness--
269
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,040
I know.
That's what's so sad.
270
00:09:07,059 --> 00:09:09,019
Just make the call.
271
00:09:10,029 --> 00:09:12,039
He sits around the house.
272
00:09:12,059 --> 00:09:13,179
(audience laughing)
273
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,220
Oh!
274
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,280
That is a, uh,
lovely dress, madam.
275
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,100
Somewhere there's a Winnebago
without drapes!
276
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,070
(laughter)
277
00:09:21,090 --> 00:09:22,130
A new study shows
that over
278
00:09:22,149 --> 00:09:25,189
1.6 million children,
ages five to 14,
279
00:09:25,210 --> 00:09:27,200
are left home alone
each day.
280
00:09:27,220 --> 00:09:30,160
Boy, finally, some good news
for Michael Jackson.
281
00:09:30,179 --> 00:09:33,129
Hoo.
Is it last January already?
282
00:09:33,149 --> 00:09:35,149
No.
Well, it sounds like it
from that joke.
283
00:09:35,169 --> 00:09:37,209
I thought maybe we were getting
ready to do a "Best of Larry."
284
00:09:37,230 --> 00:09:39,130
(chuckling)
285
00:09:39,149 --> 00:09:41,109
Could we try and class up
the monologue a little bit?
286
00:09:41,129 --> 00:09:42,229
We've got Rob Reiner on tonight.
287
00:09:42,250 --> 00:09:43,240
Well, as you remember,
288
00:09:43,259 --> 00:09:45,089
we haven't had much
luck with class.
289
00:09:45,110 --> 00:09:47,160
God knows we've tried.
290
00:09:47,179 --> 00:09:50,039
Hey, what if you do it
with a British accent?
291
00:09:50,059 --> 00:09:52,029
(with accent) A new study shows
that over 1.6 million--
292
00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:53,099
Rob Reiner canceled!
293
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,100
Someone from his office
just called, he canceled.
294
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,240
Man, 30 minutes to air
and that asshole cancels.
295
00:09:57,259 --> 00:10:00,279
He's an asshole,
he's a fucker.
296
00:10:01,009 --> 00:10:02,029
Are you okay?
297
00:10:02,049 --> 00:10:03,289
Let me guess
the excuse, Paula.
298
00:10:04,009 --> 00:10:05,119
A cold?
No.
299
00:10:05,139 --> 00:10:07,119
Family emergency?
No.
300
00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:08,159
Bad sprain?
301
00:10:08,179 --> 00:10:09,239
Bingo!
Ankle?
302
00:10:09,259 --> 00:10:10,249
You're getting warmer.
303
00:10:10,269 --> 00:10:12,049
Getting out of the shower.
304
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,010
No, coming down
the stairs on the way here.
305
00:10:14,029 --> 00:10:15,149
What a cinematic excuse!
306
00:10:15,169 --> 00:10:16,209
I can almost
see him falling.
307
00:10:16,230 --> 00:10:18,260
That's what makes
him a genius.
308
00:10:18,279 --> 00:10:20,009
This sucks, man.
309
00:10:20,029 --> 00:10:21,029
I'm gettin'
a job at The Gap.
310
00:10:21,049 --> 00:10:23,199
I'm sellin' socks
from now on.
311
00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:26,160
Man, what goddamn
disappointment, Artie.
312
00:10:26,179 --> 00:10:28,159
You know, and people wonder
why I'm a cynical asshole.
313
00:10:28,179 --> 00:10:29,239
No, they don't.
314
00:10:31,019 --> 00:10:32,189
Well, who are we even gonna get
to replace him?
315
00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:34,220
The second you canceled
the Reiner benefit,
316
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,260
I booked our old pal
Richard Belzer as backup.
317
00:10:38,279 --> 00:10:40,029
Richard, come on in!
318
00:10:40,049 --> 00:10:41,179
We're just singing
your praises!
319
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,030
♪ Richard Belzer
is wonderful ♪
320
00:10:44,049 --> 00:10:45,059
Hey, Larry.
321
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,130
♪ Wonderful ♪
Richard, how are you?
322
00:10:46,149 --> 00:10:47,149
How are you?
Good to see ya.
323
00:10:47,169 --> 00:10:48,289
Good.
Thank you.
324
00:10:49,009 --> 00:10:50,189
Isn't Larry lovely tonight?
325
00:10:50,210 --> 00:10:51,240
Well, he does
look lovely.
326
00:10:51,259 --> 00:10:53,109
I wish I had some flowers
and candy to give him.
327
00:10:53,129 --> 00:10:54,249
(chuckling)
So what's the story?
328
00:10:54,269 --> 00:10:57,259
You guys rousted me out of bed
to do the show because, uh,
329
00:10:57,279 --> 00:10:59,159
Pauly Shore
wasn't available?
330
00:10:59,179 --> 00:11:01,189
Is that the way it works?
Hey, hey, we are
thrilled to have you.
331
00:11:01,210 --> 00:11:03,040
Hey! Overjoyed!
332
00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:04,219
Absolutely.
Fuckin' A.
333
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:08,220
You know, I know why I'm here,
so you guys can just
drop the pretense.
334
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,240
Reiner canceled, right?
335
00:11:09,259 --> 00:11:11,059
Hey, let me tell ya something.
336
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,010
We're the lucky ones, because
this is an entertainment show
337
00:11:14,029 --> 00:11:15,199
and you happen to be
a really funny guy
338
00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:17,100
and we're thrilled
you're here.
339
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,130
Reiner was a risk we
couldn't afford to take.
340
00:11:19,149 --> 00:11:20,169
Right.
Right, I'm sure.
Great.
341
00:11:20,190 --> 00:11:21,290
Mm-hm.
That's great.
342
00:11:22,009 --> 00:11:25,149
Richard, your dressing room is
just down the hall and we've got
343
00:11:25,169 --> 00:11:28,029
a lovely fruit plate
waiting for you there.
344
00:11:28,049 --> 00:11:30,199
If you're a fan of kiwi as I am,
you're gonna have
345
00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:32,090
a double special treat!
Okay.
346
00:11:35,039 --> 00:11:38,029
I'll do the show, Larry.
You know I'll be good.
Good.
347
00:11:38,049 --> 00:11:39,259
You and I both know what
this is all about, don't we?
348
00:11:39,279 --> 00:11:42,209
Yeah, you're
replacing Reiner.
349
00:11:45,210 --> 00:11:46,220
I don't like kiwi.
350
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,000
Oh, shame!
351
00:11:48,019 --> 00:11:49,079
I should have known!
352
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:52,240
We've got a mango
flying in, chop chop.
353
00:11:52,259 --> 00:11:54,239
You know...
(clears throat)
354
00:11:54,259 --> 00:11:55,279
Ever since he's
done "Homicide,"
355
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,160
that guy's attitude
has really changed.
356
00:11:57,179 --> 00:11:58,239
You know that?
Have you noticed?
357
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,239
I mean, these stand-up comics
who think they're
358
00:12:00,259 --> 00:12:04,019
fuckin' actors make me sick.
You're absolutely correct.
359
00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:06,249
No, no, why don't you tell
them why I'm here really?
Uh-huh, I don't know, why--
360
00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:08,049
Go ahead, tell 'em.
No!
361
00:12:08,070 --> 00:12:09,060
Okay.
362
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,160
The reason I'm here--
is this my camera?
363
00:12:10,179 --> 00:12:13,099
The reason I'm here is because
Rob Reiner crapped out
364
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,260
at the last minute,
so guess who they call?
365
00:12:14,279 --> 00:12:16,239
They call me.
Well, speaking
of Rob Reiner,
366
00:12:16,259 --> 00:12:18,149
did you know that
"Spinal Tap"
367
00:12:18,169 --> 00:12:19,229
actually was
mostly improvised?
368
00:12:19,250 --> 00:12:20,250
Did you know that?
Really?
369
00:12:20,269 --> 00:12:21,269
What do you think
I'm doing now?
370
00:12:21,289 --> 00:12:23,129
I'm making this up.
I did not know that.
371
00:12:23,149 --> 00:12:24,249
I'm improvising.
Didn't know that.
372
00:12:24,269 --> 00:12:26,249
And you're not whipping yourself
into a frenzy over that,
373
00:12:26,269 --> 00:12:27,239
I mean...
(laughing)
374
00:12:27,259 --> 00:12:30,069
Rob Reiner's a genius
and I'm-- I'm here!
375
00:12:30,090 --> 00:12:32,090
It'll sink in, I'll
whip myself tomorrow.
376
00:12:32,110 --> 00:12:35,180
We'll be right back, uh, with,
uh, more. No flipping!
377
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,200
(band playing fast tune)
(audience cheering)
378
00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:39,010
Man: We're clear!
379
00:12:39,029 --> 00:12:41,039
I'm gonna have to take this with
me 'cause I collect mugs.
380
00:12:41,059 --> 00:12:42,109
I've got 'em from
all over the world.
381
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,049
Uh, no.
Why not?
382
00:12:44,070 --> 00:12:48,020
Uh, show policy, uh, those
aren't for, uh, taking.
383
00:12:48,039 --> 00:12:50,029
What are you gonna have, like,
security stop me on the way
384
00:12:50,049 --> 00:12:51,189
out if I take it?
Then look, okay?
385
00:12:51,210 --> 00:12:53,150
Just don't take the ones
with the picture, okay?
386
00:12:53,169 --> 00:12:55,079
Your picture?
Yeah.
387
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,180
Don't worry about it.
388
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,050
Hank:
We'll get you one.
389
00:12:58,070 --> 00:13:01,070
(band continues playing)
390
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:03,240
You know, uh,
391
00:13:03,259 --> 00:13:05,139
Reiner screwed us and
it's all I can think about
392
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,019
out there.
How's the show?
393
00:13:07,039 --> 00:13:08,229
Great!
How's the audience?
394
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,040
Eh, it's a little
too warm in the studio.
395
00:13:10,059 --> 00:13:11,079
You're fabulous!
You think so?
396
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,140
You're sure?
Yes, sir!
397
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:13,999
All right, how much time
is left in the show?
398
00:13:14,019 --> 00:13:15,029
Two minutes.
399
00:13:15,049 --> 00:13:17,049
(sighing) What is wrong
with the human race, Artie?
400
00:13:17,070 --> 00:13:18,210
You know, I think that
every time I watch that
401
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:20,030
"America's Funniest People."
402
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,249
That just about
breaks your spirit.
403
00:13:21,269 --> 00:13:23,269
Excuse me, Larry, you still want
the vitamin B?
404
00:13:23,289 --> 00:13:25,059
Yeah.
Okay.
405
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,130
Remember, don't chew 'em.
406
00:13:26,149 --> 00:13:28,229
Let it dissolve
under your tongue.
Okay.
407
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:31,000
You know, I'm gonna do that
benefit tomorrow night.
408
00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:32,199
Would you call them
and tell them I'm in?
409
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:34,000
Okay.
Listen, buddy.
410
00:13:34,019 --> 00:13:35,289
Nerve deafness people?
You can't bring
him back down, buddy.
411
00:13:36,009 --> 00:13:37,029
Too little, too late.
412
00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:38,129
I don't wanna
bring him back.
413
00:13:38,149 --> 00:13:40,239
I'm gonna rub his face in it,
Artie, you know that?
414
00:13:40,259 --> 00:13:42,109
I'm gonna make it look
like I'm the bigger man.
415
00:13:42,129 --> 00:13:43,169
Make him feel like shit.
416
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,130
"You're a bigger man
than I am, Gunga Din."
417
00:13:45,149 --> 00:13:47,139
"A Few Good Men,"
"A Few Good Men"!
418
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:49,079
You want a good
courtroom movie?
419
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:50,230
"Caine Mutiny"!
420
00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:51,270
Yeah, Bogie with
his steel pole.
421
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,019
Exactly.
422
00:13:53,039 --> 00:13:55,169
What do you mean they've
decided to go with Larry?
423
00:13:55,190 --> 00:13:57,090
They decided to go with Larry.
424
00:13:57,110 --> 00:14:00,270
I-- I know what you mean,
Darlene.
425
00:14:00,289 --> 00:14:03,069
(stammering)
Larry was out, then I'm in--
426
00:14:03,090 --> 00:14:06,050
Larry's back in?
427
00:14:06,070 --> 00:14:08,190
What is wrong with mankind?
428
00:14:08,210 --> 00:14:09,280
I ask you!
429
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,180
Electromagnetic fields.
430
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,130
Please be quiet.
Please be quiet.
431
00:14:15,149 --> 00:14:17,179
What makes me
very sad--
432
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:21,200
What makes me very, very sad is
that this event is supposed
433
00:14:21,220 --> 00:14:23,140
to be about helping people.
434
00:14:23,159 --> 00:14:25,069
But now they just turn this
thing into a circus.
435
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:29,080
It's about, "Oh, let's just
get the biggest star
436
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,120
we can find."
437
00:14:30,139 --> 00:14:31,289
That's what
this is about.
438
00:14:32,009 --> 00:14:33,009
The world makes me sad.
439
00:14:33,029 --> 00:14:34,269
What, this-- what?
440
00:14:34,289 --> 00:14:36,109
Sad.
441
00:14:36,129 --> 00:14:39,229
These people should be focused
on the disease,
442
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:43,000
finding a cure,
helping the kids!
443
00:14:43,019 --> 00:14:45,159
The little ones, they're the
ones that get hurt here.
444
00:14:45,179 --> 00:14:49,029
They're the victims
of this sickness,
445
00:14:49,049 --> 00:14:50,189
this awful...
446
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,109
What is it?
447
00:14:53,129 --> 00:14:54,119
Nerve deafness.
448
00:14:54,139 --> 00:14:56,259
Nerve deafness, yes!
449
00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:58,059
Do-- do kids get that?
450
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,190
I don't know.
451
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:02,140
Well, let's say for the sake of
my argument that they get that.
452
00:15:02,159 --> 00:15:05,069
I'm not angry
for me right now.
453
00:15:05,090 --> 00:15:07,070
I'm angry for them!
454
00:15:07,090 --> 00:15:12,020
They need help, and now,
I cannot help them.
455
00:15:12,039 --> 00:15:13,259
You can still help, Hank.
456
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:16,109
The organizers felt awful and
they called and asked if you
457
00:15:16,129 --> 00:15:18,039
wanted to sit at the head table.
458
00:15:18,059 --> 00:15:20,089
Oh, nerve deafness this.
459
00:15:21,259 --> 00:15:23,119
How many people--
famous people--
460
00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:24,129
went number two tonight?
461
00:15:24,149 --> 00:15:25,149
Ah, you don't
have to tell me.
462
00:15:25,169 --> 00:15:26,269
(toilet flushing)
I'm just kidding.
463
00:15:28,009 --> 00:15:30,189
Thanks.
464
00:15:35,039 --> 00:15:36,039
Hey, Rob!
465
00:15:36,059 --> 00:15:37,189
Hey!
Oh, hey, Larry!
466
00:15:37,210 --> 00:15:38,240
How you doin'?
How you doin'?
467
00:15:38,259 --> 00:15:39,289
Good.
Nice to see ya.
Hey listen,
468
00:15:40,009 --> 00:15:41,289
thank you so much for
helpin' us out here tonight.
469
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,149
Oh, hey, I'm glad
I could do it.
470
00:15:43,169 --> 00:15:44,999
It's my pleasure.
And listen, I feel terrible
471
00:15:45,019 --> 00:15:46,259
that I had to cancel
out on your show.
472
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,119
Well, don't worry,
really, it's forgotten.
473
00:15:48,139 --> 00:15:50,159
I'm just glad I could be here
for you tonight and also
474
00:15:50,179 --> 00:15:51,229
I hope your ankle is okay.
475
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:53,180
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's fine.
It's just, you know,
476
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,230
I got a half-cast here
and it's a little
477
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:59,010
itchy, but, uh, it's
not really all that bad.
478
00:15:59,029 --> 00:16:00,019
You have a cast?
479
00:16:00,039 --> 00:16:02,009
Yeah, yeah,
it's a, a half-cast.
480
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:03,199
I can walk around,
it's just a little cumbersome.
481
00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:05,020
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
That's a cast?
482
00:16:05,039 --> 00:16:06,239
You really hurt your ankle
there, huh?
483
00:16:06,259 --> 00:16:07,249
What?
484
00:16:07,269 --> 00:16:09,029
Huh?
485
00:16:09,049 --> 00:16:11,049
You really hurt your--
really-- I was saying,
486
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:12,220
you really hurt your ankle.
487
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,090
What, you-- you didn't
think I'd hurt my ankle?
488
00:16:14,110 --> 00:16:15,160
No, I thought
you had hurt it.
489
00:16:15,179 --> 00:16:16,239
I was really concerned.
490
00:16:16,259 --> 00:16:19,159
You didn't think
I hurt my ankle, did you?
491
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:22,019
I... wasn't sure
492
00:16:22,039 --> 00:16:23,079
that you hurt your ankle.
Larry!
493
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:24,250
What, you think
I screwed you?
494
00:16:24,269 --> 00:16:26,169
No! I thought that perhaps
495
00:16:26,190 --> 00:16:27,210
because I didn't
do your benefit,
496
00:16:27,230 --> 00:16:29,080
you didn't do the show.
497
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,170
Larry...
498
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:34,030
Do you honestly think that I
would cancel at the last second
499
00:16:34,049 --> 00:16:36,169
without a legitimate excuse?
500
00:16:36,190 --> 00:16:38,170
Well, you know,
we're both in the business.
501
00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:40,000
Larry.
502
00:16:40,019 --> 00:16:41,209
I don't work that way.
503
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:44,200
And clearly,
you don't either,
504
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:46,190
because here you are,
even after
505
00:16:46,210 --> 00:16:48,080
you thought that
I had screwed you!
506
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,290
I mean, you...
507
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,279
are the bigger man
of the two of us.
508
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,170
I am uncomfortable discussing
size in the bathroom.
509
00:16:54,190 --> 00:16:55,180
You know what I mean?
510
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,230
(both laughing)
511
00:16:56,250 --> 00:16:58,180
Let's let it go at that, huh?
All right, listen, Larry,
512
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,230
I gotta get back
to my table.
513
00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:01,230
Okay, it's good to see you.
Listen, why don't--
514
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:03,250
why don't my people
call your office
515
00:17:03,269 --> 00:17:05,289
and we'll
reschedule the show?
That would be great.
516
00:17:06,009 --> 00:17:06,999
Okay?
Thanks.
517
00:17:07,019 --> 00:17:08,069
Nice to see you.
Good to see you too.
518
00:17:08,089 --> 00:17:11,129
Okay, so long.
All right, God.
519
00:17:11,150 --> 00:17:14,230
Boy, you know,
there goes one of America's
520
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:16,000
great filmmakers.
521
00:17:17,190 --> 00:17:20,030
Larry: What is this?
This is Disaster
Preparedness Furnishings.
522
00:17:20,049 --> 00:17:21,189
I see,
and the ham's a lamp.
523
00:17:21,210 --> 00:17:23,040
Uh-huh, and there's
a flashlight in there.
524
00:17:23,059 --> 00:17:24,049
Right.
525
00:17:24,069 --> 00:17:25,089
And then all
this food's edible?
526
00:17:25,109 --> 00:17:26,209
Exactly.
I see.
527
00:17:26,230 --> 00:17:29,030
And the Twinkies have
a shelf life of 27 years.
528
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,239
With the light on?
Well, it doesn't matter.
529
00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:33,089
You can't
penetrate a Twinkie.
530
00:17:33,109 --> 00:17:36,119
So, when Reiner came out of
the bathroom, did he have like
531
00:17:36,140 --> 00:17:39,050
a little piece of toilet paper
or was it like a couple
of feet draggin' back there?
532
00:17:39,069 --> 00:17:40,249
That is not the important part
of the story, Phil.
533
00:17:40,269 --> 00:17:42,109
Well, toilet paper's
always very funny
534
00:17:42,130 --> 00:17:43,280
to everyone
except the French.
535
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,040
I don't think those bidets are
sanitary at all, do you?
536
00:17:46,059 --> 00:17:47,129
You know what?
You guys don't get it.
537
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:50,120
The idea is that the two of us,
two very famous people,
538
00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:52,160
were able to put all
the Hollywood bullshit aside
539
00:17:52,180 --> 00:17:54,240
and just have a totally honest
moment and it was great.
540
00:17:54,259 --> 00:17:56,239
So you told him you
thought he screwed us.
541
00:17:56,259 --> 00:17:58,179
Yeah, we talked it out.
542
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,200
Well, he's still booked for
tomorrow night, so if Rob calls
543
00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:03,230
you up and says he wants you to
clean his pool, will you hop
544
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,270
over there pronto
and start scrubbing?
545
00:18:05,289 --> 00:18:08,049
(chuckling)
Phil:
Yeah!
546
00:18:08,069 --> 00:18:09,099
Sorry.
547
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,030
So, my boy, do you
feel any better
548
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,289
about the
human race today?
549
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:16,129
Well, I feel
better about, uh...
550
00:18:16,150 --> 00:18:19,020
Rob, I think he was, uh...
551
00:18:19,039 --> 00:18:20,239
honest and I think I was not.
552
00:18:20,259 --> 00:18:21,999
I don't think
that I told him
553
00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:23,199
I was there to rub
his face in it,
554
00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:26,140
make him feel like shit, so I
don't think I feel completely,
555
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,040
totally truthful.
556
00:18:28,059 --> 00:18:29,169
Oh, goddamn it, don't.
557
00:18:29,190 --> 00:18:31,010
Jesus.
558
00:18:31,029 --> 00:18:32,189
Let me tell you something.
559
00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:34,180
That's what ruined
my second marriage.
560
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,290
I decided
to tell the truth.
561
00:18:36,009 --> 00:18:38,259
I found it to be disastrous.
That's the truth.
562
00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:40,229
So let's just keep
this as our little secret.
563
00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:42,180
Phil:
No, I don't know,
I think you should, uh,
564
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,050
be open and honest
with him.
565
00:18:44,069 --> 00:18:47,009
Aw, shut up.
Well, I lean towards
Phil on this one.
566
00:18:47,029 --> 00:18:49,289
Phil, you're dismissed.
You're contaminating Larry.
567
00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:52,049
Well, why can't I hear both
sides of the story, may I ask?
568
00:18:52,069 --> 00:18:54,169
'Cause you can't
handle the truth.
569
00:18:54,190 --> 00:18:55,220
That is not the case.
570
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,250
Oh, yeah?
571
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:57,279
You want the truth?
572
00:18:58,279 --> 00:19:01,089
This.
It isn't funny.
573
00:19:01,109 --> 00:19:03,289
(scoffing)
574
00:19:04,009 --> 00:19:05,249
This is hilarious.
575
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,239
Ha ha.
See?
576
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:11,170
Have Phil come up
with something else.
577
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:19,229
(wrapper crackling)
578
00:19:21,269 --> 00:19:23,029
(phone ringing)
579
00:19:23,049 --> 00:19:24,279
Larry Sanders.
580
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,180
One moment, please.
581
00:19:28,130 --> 00:19:30,160
Larry?
It's Rob Reiner, line four.
582
00:19:30,180 --> 00:19:32,120
Got it.
583
00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:34,010
Hello, Rob!
Rob on phone:
Larry, hello.
584
00:19:34,029 --> 00:19:35,239
Hey, how ya doin'?
585
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,179
Listen, I can't tell ya how
excited we are to have you
586
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,190
on the show tonight.
587
00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:39,240
Rob:
It'll be fun.
588
00:19:39,259 --> 00:19:41,099
Yeah, it's gonna be a blast,
are you kidding?
589
00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:42,139
We're gonna have a blast.
590
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,280
I wanna talk to you
about "Spinal Tap"
591
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,130
and how much of
that was improvised.
592
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:47,060
And I also wanna find out how
you did that railroad
593
00:19:47,079 --> 00:19:48,999
trestle shot on "Stand By Me."
594
00:19:49,019 --> 00:19:50,149
Rob:
Do we have to?
595
00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:53,179
Don't have to.
596
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,010
Rob:
I-- I don't wanna
talk about my work.
597
00:19:55,029 --> 00:19:57,219
I wanna tell some jokes,
you know, be goofy.
598
00:20:00,259 --> 00:20:03,119
Maybe you can get that woman
from the zoo and she can bring
599
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:04,200
an animal to shit on me.
600
00:20:04,220 --> 00:20:06,150
(laughing)
601
00:20:06,170 --> 00:20:09,010
Is this Rob Reiner, the famous
director, I'm talking to?
602
00:20:09,029 --> 00:20:12,109
Rob:
Yeah. Hey, Larry, thanks again
for doing the benefit.
603
00:20:12,130 --> 00:20:15,000
We-- we raised a lot of money.
604
00:20:15,019 --> 00:20:17,159
Hey, Rob, listen, it was
my pleasure, and, uh...
605
00:20:18,279 --> 00:20:21,109
Listen, Rob,
I know you were totally honest
with me the other night
606
00:20:21,130 --> 00:20:22,160
and I wanna be
honest with you.
607
00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:24,070
I was just, uh--
608
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:26,039
I think you're gonna get a kick
out of this, by the way.
609
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:29,179
I was just there to, uh,
kind of rub your face in it.
610
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,110
I was pretty mad that you
canceled the show the other
611
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:33,240
night, and I was just trying to
make you feel like shit.
612
00:20:33,259 --> 00:20:37,179
(laughing) That's why I showed
up at the benefit.
613
00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:41,270
Rob?
614
00:20:42,289 --> 00:20:45,019
Mr. Reiner won't be
joining us this evening.
615
00:20:45,039 --> 00:20:46,029
He just canceled.
616
00:20:46,049 --> 00:20:47,099
(audience murmuring)
617
00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:48,249
You told him the truth,
didn't you?
618
00:20:48,269 --> 00:20:51,149
You couldn't stop yourself even
after I specifically asked you
619
00:20:51,170 --> 00:20:52,240
not to tell him.
620
00:20:52,259 --> 00:20:54,249
'Course I anticipated
your inability
621
00:20:54,269 --> 00:20:57,229
to keep your mouth shut,
so I arranged a backup.
622
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,080
Who?
Have a wonderful show.
623
00:20:59,099 --> 00:21:01,099
Who?
It's not Pauly Shore, is it?
624
00:21:02,210 --> 00:21:05,010
(laughing) And then...
625
00:21:05,029 --> 00:21:08,999
And then I do a-- a Pauly take,
which is just kind of ad-libby
626
00:21:09,019 --> 00:21:11,209
and very kind of spontaneous
and off the top, you never know
627
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:14,190
really what's gonna
come out of that take.
628
00:21:14,210 --> 00:21:16,270
And that's the stuff
that stays in the movie?
629
00:21:16,289 --> 00:21:20,159
Uh, I actually do more
improvising in the movie
630
00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:21,280
than I do here.
631
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,290
(laughter)
632
00:21:25,009 --> 00:21:26,109
Oh, okay.
633
00:21:26,130 --> 00:21:28,230
(laughter)
634
00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:30,000
Okay, we'll take
a little break.
635
00:21:30,019 --> 00:21:31,069
Oh, could we play one
of my clips?
636
00:21:31,089 --> 00:21:33,109
I-- we don't--
have time to show a clip,
637
00:21:33,130 --> 00:21:36,030
I just have to take
a little commercial break here.
Okay.
638
00:21:36,049 --> 00:21:38,239
And we'll be right back with,
uh, comedian Jeff Cesario.
639
00:21:38,259 --> 00:21:40,009
Pauly:
And there's no more flippings.
640
00:21:40,029 --> 00:21:41,219
No more flippings.
No flippings.
641
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,260
He watches this show.
642
00:21:42,279 --> 00:21:44,249
(applause, band playing)
Thank you.
643
00:21:44,269 --> 00:21:46,089
Artie, offstage:
That's it!
644
00:21:46,109 --> 00:21:48,059
(whispering) When's
the next time you think
645
00:21:48,079 --> 00:21:49,079
you're gonna book me
on the show
646
00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:50,279
when another big huge
guest cancels on you?
647
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:51,290
Yeah, we'll have
you on, Pauly.
648
00:21:52,009 --> 00:21:52,999
Maybe within the month.
649
00:21:53,019 --> 00:21:54,039
No shit?
650
00:21:54,059 --> 00:21:57,049
Then we could talk about my
new Army movie, right?
651
00:21:57,069 --> 00:21:59,149
Pink Diggly Diggly,
the new CD?
652
00:21:59,170 --> 00:22:00,250
Yeah, what is that?
653
00:22:00,269 --> 00:22:03,169
You're gonna have to listen to
it to figure it out.
654
00:22:03,190 --> 00:22:04,180
Bye-bye.
Okay.
655
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,080
Come on,
come on, Pauly.
656
00:22:06,099 --> 00:22:08,099
Just great,
just great, buddy.
657
00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:10,079
Let's call your mom, Mitzi,
tell her how great you were.
658
00:22:10,099 --> 00:22:12,209
Pauly:
Okay.
Okay, come on.
659
00:22:12,230 --> 00:22:16,000
Well, the show business,
it does not discriminate.
660
00:22:16,019 --> 00:22:17,139
Nice kid.
Mm-hmm.
661
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,210
(band continues playing)
662
00:22:19,230 --> 00:22:22,000
How did the nerve
deafness dinner go?
663
00:22:22,019 --> 00:22:23,019
Oh, fine.
664
00:22:23,039 --> 00:22:24,159
Ah, you're a better man
than I am.
665
00:22:24,180 --> 00:22:26,030
I mean, I woulda taken that
ten grand like...
666
00:22:26,049 --> 00:22:28,099
(snaps fingers)
...whoa.
667
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:29,219
They offered you ten grand?
668
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,040
Yeah.
669
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:33,230
(hissing) Beverly!
670
00:22:33,250 --> 00:22:36,240
(theme music playing)
48960
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