All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E14_English

(audience clapping)

Larry:
My next guest needs
no introduction,

he's an old friend
of the show.

I'm a big fan and,
and I'm a big friend, I hope.

George Segal.

Give him a warm welcome,
George Segal.

(audience cheering)

George:
Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Larry.

So have you been making
any movies recently?

I love all--

Big fan of yours

and I lose track of
what you've been doing.

Well, Larry we have touched on
this before but, but...

I've done "Direct Hit",
that's with,

that's with,
William Forsythe.

He plays usually heavies,

now he's playing
a rogue CIA agent.

And I'm his, uh,

I'm kind of the
section manager.

When will that be coming out?

I don't know.

Then I've got me, myself--

"Me, Myself and I" with,
with Jobeth Williams.

Is she all three,
me, myself, and I?

She is yes, it's more
than a schizophrenic.

She does have another
personality but that's,

you'd have to see the movie.

When does that come out?
I don't know.

(audience laughing)

All right.

Um, I, I did--

But you've done these--

These are in the can.

Okay, what else?

Any others, in the can?

Yes, yes.

Now, this one is called
"Down Deep".

And when does that come out?

I don't know.

(audience laughing)

Now, let me ask you a
couple of other questions.

Certainly.

I looked at your house
a few years ago.

It was for sale
in Beverly Hills,

beautiful house.
Thank you.

Uh, did you sell it?

Yes, we did.

Beautiful house.
It was.

Now why,
why were you selling it?

We were getting
out of town, Larry.

Well, Mrs. Segal and myself.

And has she been released?

(audience laughing)

As far as we know.

No, she's still in the can.

She's still in the can.

Are you kidding,

the George Segal
sequence was hilarious.

When you said that thing about
his wife Linda in the can,

I split a gut.

Almost had to run
to the can myself.

I love George,
you know that.

But, we have him on
every month, Artie.

Don't you think that's
a little much?

Hank's on every night.

Yeah, well I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

Who's on tomorrow night?

Well, hold on here.

Mr. George Segal.

Why don't I find
that funny, Artie?
Just kidding.

You won't find
this funny either.
What's this?

This is a memo
from the network.

They've got a whole
parcel of horse shit.

They call it
their fall schedule.

Yeah they want us to put
like all their stars maybe.

Yeah prepared to be
dazzled, Ms. Marla Gibbs.

My dear friend Conrad Bain.

John Ritter.
Always funny.

Ben Vereen.

Up and tapping, thank god.

Susan Day.

Hurtful little skirt full

These are the same people Artie,

the same old faces pluggin'
the same old shit.

Somebody needs a vacation.

No, when I go home at night
I can't even remember what

I say to these people.

Well that's why the good
lord invented video tape.

What you need is good
dinner, few drinks and...

Staff meeting,
that's what I want,

I want a staff
meeting tomorrow.

About what?
About what?

I know what to do Artie.

This is a serious
problem.

I'm gonna take care of
it at 10:30 tomorrow.

10:00 o'clock tomorrow.

That means 10:30?

Yeah, 10:30 sharp.

What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Uh-huh.

What the fuck are
we waiting here for?

Well he wants a meeting
that's all I know.

Yeah mark my words children,
somebody is going down.

They started with Jerry,
they can do it again.

Really?

You really think so?

Listen Mike, is it Mike?

Yeah.

Yeah Mike, this is a,
this is a tough business.

I mean I'd hate to
have to be Larry,

and have to figure out
which of you wonderful

kids is gonna get it
right in the neck.

Of course, might not
be one of us, Hank.

We didn't introduce
R.E.M as REM last week.

Oh my brave,
brave, Phil.

Always with the jokes
and yet so very desperate.

You know what, if somebody's
gonna get fired,

it's gonna be me.
No.

No, it is because I've been
here the shortest time.

No.
Let me tell you
what's gonna happen.

Larry's gonna get
us in there and he's gonna

decide that nothing works on

the show and that everything
needs to changed.

And then he'll take
some anti-depressants

and everything will
go back to normal.

Artie:
All right let's
get going everyone.

11:00 o'clock,
time for the meeting.

Arthur if someone's
gonna be fired,

I think it
should be Mike.

He's been here the shortest,
so you should know

Thanks, Hank.

Save it for the meeting,
will you?

It's 11:00 o'clock,
time for the big meeting.

I'm just getti''
a haircut here.

Artie:
All right,
everybody in here,

let's get in here,
let's hustle. Settle down.

Christophe, c'est va.

Time for a trim later?
Merci.

Hey, a haircut, huh?

No he's just checking it.

Wow, that's
a great haircut.

He's just started.

Yeah I can tell,
that's gonna be a great one.

Larry:
Good, thank you.

Hank, sit down will you?
Okay.

Chief, the floor is all yours.

Good.

Uh, listen I know I called
this meeting on short notice,

but there's a serious, uh...

problem here at
the show

and it's a problem
that I think I can--

Why don't you give me
just one second?

A problem that
I think I can sum up

with one word: guests.

Yes, thank you, Jesus.

What did you think
the problem was?

All: Guests.

I'm sure our
capable booking staff

Mr. Bernstein, Ms. Rosatti,
and Ms. Marquel

will be thrilled to entertain
everyone's suggestions.

Larry:
Good, good.

Yes, I'm sure,
if there's a problem--

a problem with the guests,
we can take care of it.

Larry: Good.

Great, thank you, uh...

Kiki.
Kiki.

Sure. I know you, Kiki.

How's your--

Well, thanks.
Good.

Now, uh, I know there's
a lot of competition,

I know there's a ton of talk
shows on and I know everyone's

after all the same guests,

but we've got to
come up with some people

that the other talk shows
haven't gotten or already had.

Hear, hear.

Um, sorry, but excuse me.

Could you repeat
that last part?

Which part?

That part about
people, um the--

Was I unclear about--

Clear to me.

Perfectly clear.

Larry:
Thank you.

Let's take a look
at who we have.

Let's take a look at
who we have this week.

Tony Randall, okay Tony Randall
is on what, every other week?

He's always--
He's on every other week.

He's great but he's on
every other week.

And Jay Thomas,
all right.

Who is Jay Thomas?

He's a guy in
"Love and War".

Oh that guy?

We have him around
every three weeks.

And who is
Allan Nelson by the way?

Allan Nelson?

He's the plate spinner.

He was a regular
on Sullivan, 30 years ago.

He's older now,
he started using Chinet,

but people still
flip for him.

Phil:
Uh, Larry excuse me,

um just so that I'm clear
about all of this,

this is a booking
problem right?

This isn't a writing problem?

Artie:
Phil, shut the fuck up.

Artie, please
I'll handle it.

Phil, shut the fuck up.

Artie:
Thank you.

Now listen, we've got
to find some interesting,

provocative people that
I haven't talked to yet.

There's got to
be some out there.

Hank: To talk to.

Some creative booking
if you don't mind.

Yeah, let's see
some fresh meat.

All right, all right,
Mike you know what,

you know you're new here,
I'm gonna let that one slide,

but I-- Hank put
your hand down.

You know what I am
serious about this.

Either we-- we find
some new guests,

or we're gonna be
looking for new staff.

I know that Larry
said that he would

welcome input
from anywhere,

but come on
get on with it.

Robert Conrad. No, no, no,
owes me a favor.

Pick up the phone,
hello Bobby.

That's not what
we're looking for.

Neil Diamond.

We're looking for
something new, Hank.

You know new, new.

New, I'm gonna
work on that.

Sorry, I got it.

Kiki what've we--

Oh!

Raymond Burr,

with whom I once had the
honor of playing golf.

He's in the new
"Perry Mason" show.

Hello, Perry.

Nope. Ah.

I like the documentary--
the woman documentary maker

and the libertarian candidate.
Oh, who else do we have?

Who was that?

The performance artist,
Tim Miller.

Extremely avant-garde,
very hot.

Performance art,
you know that's

a bunch of dog poop.

What does he do,
get stark naked?

Is that his act?

Cover himself with
chocolate syrup?

He's a very
provocative monologist,

who talks about his own
life as a gay man in America.

Larry:
As a gay man?
Is that what you want?

Is that what
you're looking for?

I just, uh, I, I--

Is he funny?

Funny?
Listen to this.

Listen.

"A garrulous assault of
anecdote, humor,

"observation and
social comment,

"punctuated by movement

"and channeled through
life experience."

Good, book him.

Suddenly, I'm thrown out of

my father's penis into
my mom's body,

I'm surrounded by thousands
of squirming creatures,

I am swimming upstream,

one queer little spermlet,
fighting the odds.

A hideous sperm that looks
like Senator Jesse Helms

tries to catch me in a net,

I elude him and quickly find

a willing lesbian ovum.

We agree to power share.

We fertilize,
there's an explosion

of creative electricity,

the drums build their tempo,
five, four, three,

two, one and ecce homo,
behold the fag.

(audience clapping)

Tim Miller, Tim Miller.

Tim, that was wild.

Come on, have a seat.

(audience booing)

All right, all right
that is not necessary.

Mr. Miller.

It's okay, it's nothing
I haven't heard before.

Obviously, he cares about
what he did out there

and I apologize
for our audience.

Let's try and stay open.

Hank:
That's right,
let's try to stay open.

Open. That was great,
I enjoyed it.

Thanks.

I think these people just
aren't used to seeing this

sort of thing
on a talk show,

I think that's what makes
us a little different.

Yeah, I don't, I don't
really do a lot of talk shows.

The format's not so--

so receptive to
the new forms of expression.

That is true.
That is true.
It's very true.

That is true.

Man:
Go back to San Francisco!

I'm from LA.

(audience laughing)

All right, I got him.

You know what, uh, there's
a little thing in this country

called freedom of expression.

I don't think
we wanna allow

Mr. Miller not
to express himself, do we?

It's not what this
country's about.

What the fuck was
he doing out there anyway?

What, I warned
you, didn't I?

You said nothing.

I warned you
with my eyes.

I heard nothing,
I saw nothing.

Okay that was not
the tape I saw,

It-- I-- Uh,

the tape was
not that gay.

I don't have a problem
with the gay thing.
No, no.

It's just that he's out there,
he's talking about butt plugs,

he's talking about
his father's orgasm.

Okay I know,
I know, okay.

So I'm just trying to figure
out what you want, right?

How far we can go?

That is too far.

Great, so now
I know the boundaries

and we can pull back.

Please, pull back.

All right.
Let's pull back.

We can't air that, can we?

Oh hell no, we can't.
Psychotic freak.

I'll have them rack up
a re-run immediately.

I get that, I do,
but I think

Mr. Miller is probably,

you know, gonna
want an explanation.

Oh, horse shit.

I'll talk to him.

I'll lay it on the line.

I'll say
it was my decision,

it was my mistake.

We both think you are
terrific, Timbo.

That's not the problem,

the network simply will
not let us air it.

Because?

They're sensitive
about many topics,

many or all of which
you touched upon.

Is that a correct
representation

of the situation, Larry?

Yeah.
Right?

Yeah, absolutely.

Well what do
we expect right?

The television network's
model of corporate cowardice.

Well, you'll
fight it right?

Fuckin' A!
You're damn right.

What, what you said out there
about freedom of expression,

they'll have to listen to you,
it's your show, right?

Absolutely.
Absolutely.

His show.

Okay, well thanks.

Thank you, Timbo.

I really appreciate
you taking the time to
talk to me about this.

Good, good.

Okay, thanks.
You're really talented.

Bye.

Great, terrific, keep it up.

You think he bought
the network thing?

Entirely.

Yeah?

Well we're not
completely lying,

I mean, we-- The network's

not gonna let us air
this thing right?

Well let's get on
the phone right now

and get this over with.
Okay.

Listen to me Melody,

the man said "butt
plug" three times

and you and I both
know you can't--

You can say butt plugs?
Since when?

Huh, well that's hardly beside
the point, isn't it then?

Are you looking at the
transcript that we faxed over?

I can't believe
you're serious Melody.

Oh fine, fine, bye.

Good news?

The network says that
it is our decision

and they claim to find no
problem with the piece.

What do you mean they have
no problem with the piece?

They're hanging
us out to dry.

Fuck me.

Now Larry, the East Coast
affiliates are going to need

a show on the satellite in
about fifteen minutes.
Fuck.

Uh, you want to
air it or not?

I don't want to be any part

of cutting this guy
from the show, Artie.

Well, you want me
to make the decision?

Well, I'd like to participate
in some limited capacity.

Okay, then I'll make
the decision.

I'll count to ten,
and if you agree with my choice,

don't say anything.

All right, fine,

if I don't say
anything I agree.

We're cutting him
and we're putting on a re-run.

One, two, three, four--

I agree.

No, then you're not
supposed to say anything.

What? I got excited,
I had the answer.

You confused me,
what the hell?

What, what do
you-- Let me count.
Well go ahead.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

We're cutting him,
do you agree?

Well, if you didn't
say anything.

The network forced us
to put on a re-run,

okay, that's it.

What?

You know, I just find
this very strange.

You do?
Yeah.

Didn't you just start here?

Yeah.

That explains it.

You know, Artie,
I told all my friends

to watch
Tim Miller last night.

Now, why would
you do that, Phil?

Because I haven't seen
anything that good

since my college roommate
had a nervous breakdown.

Haha, well it was a network
decision, it's out of our hands.

Now scoot the fuck
along, you two.

Hank:
Look at this,
you try to do your best work

and this is
the thanks you get.

Liz Smith.

I don't want to hear
any of this.

No, no, no, "Sanders cans
performance by Miller.

"Late night funny man
Larry Sanders couldn't
take the heat last night

"so he threw Mr. Miller
out of the kitchen."

I don't wanna, don't,
don't tell me anything.

One more, one more,

oh, Army Orchard,
"Sanders censors

"performance
artist appearance.

"When contacted,
network officials

"claimed no responsibility
for Mr. Miller's unkind gut,

"saying they had no
involvement in the decision."

Let me see that.

Right there.

God, rat bastards would
eat their own kind,

but I wouldn't
believe that Army...

"Mr. Miller set a
stinging rebuke

"in Mr. Sander's direction,

"calling him the Jessie Helms,
of late night television."

Well, hell, that's not so bad.

Yeah, but how do
you think I feel?

Two articles about the show

and I'm not mentioned
in either one of them.

Larry:
Let me see them.

I didn't, uh,

I didn't see
you sitting there.

I'm sorry, boss.
We didn't know you were here.

You see,
you start reading that shit

and your brain doesn't have any
cognizance of anything.

This will soon be
forgotten, Larry.

Well your new season is--
well we can talk about this,

we don't need to
talk about the life.

You look great,
your plastic surgery is great.

Thank you.
You've openly
talked about the--

I've openly talked about it,
what did you
get done exactly?

You got your nose done?
I had my nose done,

Yeah and?

And my eyes.

And your eyes.

And uh...
And your cheekbones.

And my whole face.

It looks great,
your whole face.

(audience cheering)

That is great.

I've always been
afraid to build.

Now listen.

You know um...

You know, I just
have to say something.

I mean generally,
I think you're really funny

and I'm not saying
you're not funny but--

Yeah?

You um,

Something on your mind?

Yeah and I thought I'd really be
a hypocrite if I didn't say.

Is this about the surgery?

I'm really sorry.

No, this is
not about the surgery.

I was kidding about that.

No, no, you could never
hurt my feelings.

Okay.

Um, well, why did you uh,
you know that guy Tim,

the Tim Miller guy,
the comic, the gay guy?

Yeah? Right.

You know, that you
censored off your show?

Um, you know I'm just kinda
offended that you did that.

I mean, you know.

Well, first--
Comedy is the last
free speech art form, Larry.

Yeah.

You know, if you're,
like, supposed to have

this cutting edge
talk show right?

I mean, if you're so square
I might as well do Leno.

(audience booing)

We had-- we had the guy--1

If you're gonna be that
square and censor a comic,

you're a comic, man,
and you censored a comic.

Man:
A good comic too!
A really good comic.

Oh, so now Tom's
going to-- Would you...

No, I know the guy!

He's a friend of ours.

Tom isn't booked. Tom!

Listen, all-- all we're
saying is, you know,

remember when you were a comic,
you're workin' the clubs

and everything before you got
the talk show and everything?

We try and stay in touch with
those roots, and this guy--

I'm not--
you know, this guy Tim Miller--

He's an innovator,
he's like-- he's like,

you know, he's in
the vein of Lenny Bruce.

He's like the first.

Yeah, that's right,
and you know how long

it took you to become
a regular at the comedy store?
Yeah, yeah.

That's right,
'cause Mitzi messed with you,

and you're doing the same
thing to this guy.

And I'll tell you right now,
he's a good guy, he's really--

He's a nice--
wouldn't you like to
see him on the show?

(audience cheering)

Look, I'm sure we'll
have him back again.

It was just one
of those things,

I'm sure if he'd done some
of the material that he--

Yeah, I just thought you had
more balls than that, you know.

Somebody's gotta do it.

No, no,
I gotta speak now,

This is my friend.

I know this man,
I have to interject.

He has...
He has balls.

I gotta say,
I gotta say.

But they're
little tiny ones.

(audience cheering)

I uh,

I hide them behind
the desk, that's all.

Did you have a big battle,

did you want him on the show?

Was it-- did you have
to fight the network

or something like that?

We uh, we had him on.

There was some, evidently,
miscommunication

about the material he was gonna
do on the show, we were more

than open to him and he came on
and I'll tell you--

You didn't want to put him
on 'cause he did gay material.

No, that has
nothing to do with it.

Mr. Sanders, would like
to make amends, Timbo.

That must make
you feel quite special.

Yeah, I'm all fucking aglow.

And don't call me
Timbo anymore, okay?

Oh, quite right,
that's inexcusable.

May I call you, Tim?

Yeah.

Is that a yes?

Well Tim, Larry,

he wants to ask you
to come back on the show

and do something we can air.

Or do whatever you like
and we can tone it down.

Am I uh, is this uh,
the right expression?

Okay?

You gotta be kidding.

I'm not kidding.

Look, look,

I never should have gone on
your plug fest to begin with.

If you think I'm gonna go on
again that, you're even

stupider than I thought.

Well, let's not leave angry.

I'm not angry at you,
you guys are just puppets.

I just don't want to
appeal to the lowest

common denominator okay?

That's all television needs,

it degrades everybody on it

and everybody who watches it.

Now, Tim.

No, fuck it
and fuck television,

I don't need it.

A hideous sperm that looks
like Senator Jesse Helms,

tries to catch me in
a net, I elude him.

Then, then I quickly find
a willing lesbian egg,

we agree to power share, right?

And then we fertilize.

There's an explosion
of creative electricity,

the drums build their tempo.

Five, four, three, two, one,
and ecce homo , behold, the fa.

Come on sit, Tim Miller,
funny stuff. Very clever.

So now uh,

I can't believe that's
the same piece of material,

they wouldn't let you do
on the "Larry Sanders Show."

I did this piece and it seemed
great and they didn't run it,

ran a repeat instead.

I think they just, they freaked,
they got scared.

Turn it off.

You know,
Tim's great on this show,

he's got a story to tell.

He's telling the story about
how we screwed him on our show.

So, it's still a great story.

You know I, I think that the
thing that makes this country

great is that it's a free
country and people come out

and they express views
a little bit different,

but that's what it's for.

If they don't like it,
they can change the channel.
Definitely.

You did a terrific job,

you are welcome
here any time you want.
Great, thanks a lot.

Turn it off.

Larry, Artie, I've got a great
guest tonight, I mean that,

I finally found
the boundaries, huh?

This one's in the pocket.

Great.

Congratulations,

so you're not smoking which
I thought was a delight for you.

Well, it was but as I say, it's,
it's just kind of fallen away.

All right, not every--
just the cigars I hope.

Just the cigars,
everything else,

everything else
is right there.

Good, good, because you gotta
have something to light.

I'm so happy
to have you here.

I'm so happy
to be here, Larry.

Tell me about
your new projects.

Well, actually next week uh,

I think they re gonna be
cranking up "Burke's Law"

and guess what?

It's gonna be
Gene Barry again...

No.
and his son, yes.

Who else is in it?

Um, Angie Dickinson.

Terrific.

Gerald McRaney, Dom DeLuise.

Woman: Whoo!

Yeah, I'm a big fan
of Dom DeLuise.

Well, I am too, I love Dom,
but you know,

you haven't read the script
and if I had my druthers,

there was this comic I saw on
the Leno show the other night.

A guy by name of Tim Miller,

who would have been
sensational in his place.

He's the kinda guy that would
be perfect on this show,

you should book him.

♪ ♪