All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E13_English

Hank:
Now that sign says,
"Applesauce."

No, no, no.
(audience laughing)

I'm kidding,
it says, "Applause."

Ray, do me a favor,
could you flick that once?

(audience applauds)

Hank:
All right.

Now remember, you're all
a big part of the show,

so the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Okay, now can you
see this gentleman?

He's giving me this--
this sign, and it says

we're on in ten seconds,
so get ready to have
a good time.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting,
isn't it?

Man:
In five, four,
three, two...

(theme music playing)

Hank:
Live on tape
from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight join
Larry and his guests

Burt Reynolds,
Paula Poundstone,

musician
Paul Westerberg and me,

"Hey now" Hank Kingsley.

And now because
he's all dressed up
with no place to go,

Larry Sanders!

(cheers, applause)

Thank you,
thank you very much.

Night after night...

Night after night,

you can count
on me being here.

Julia Roberts, it was
just recently announced,

collapsed on the set
of her new movie,

and there was
immediate speculation
that she was pregnant.

But it turns out, she--
it just finally dawned on her

that she had married
Lyle Lovett.

(audience laughing)

It would cause anyone
just to pass out.

(audience laughing)

The Defense Department
just canceled

the Star Wars program,
which is a shame,

because of course
it was the most consistent
work Mark Hamill ever had.

(audience laughing)
(mumbles)

Okay, we'll be right back.

No flipping.
New products.

We'll be back
with new products.

(music playing)
No flipping.

(audience laughing)

You can flip a switch

and wake up
to the sound of...

(clicking)
a switch flipping.

Mm-hmm.
(audience laughing)

It's the propmaster
flipping me on.

That's-- that's a thing
for machine-gun fire.

(machine gun firing)

Jake Woodward,
ladies and gentlemen,

our substitute
band leader tonight...

(audience applauds)
and this week.

Oh boy, where'd
you learn to do that, Jake?

Um, Juilliard.

Money well spent, Jake.
Thank you.

Okay, let's try
another setting.

Another setting.

(woman moaning
in pleasure)

(audience laughing)

Wow, can you imagine
waking up to that?

Actually, I was wondering
if the alarm clock was
free later tonight?

(laughter)

Yes, indeedy.

Oh, well, I think we found
a new band leader.

I mean, amazing chops,
delightful personality.
I agree.

I'll miss Colin, though.

Ah, fucking moron,

leaving us to go on
tour with Amy Grant?

Jesus!
Artie, he found God.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.
(laughs)

You know the funny--
(laughs) What?

Jake Woodward,
ain't he funny?
What-- oh.

Yeah, he was good.
Yeah, right.

Is anyone buying
that accent?

I mean, it's
Yakov Smirnoff time.

Hank, we were talking
about adding Jake

to the "Larry Sanders" family.
What do you think?

Umm, well, honestly,

I think we should
keep looking.

I mean, I--
I have a friend

who's flying in over
the weekend,

and he's the arranger
for the Lido Revue

at the Stardust
in Vegas.

Umm, he's very hot.
I gotta go.

Ah, no, you don't have to go
to Vegas, he's coming here.

No, I gotta go home.

What-- wait-- are you
grabbing my elbow?

Am I?
Yeah, grabbing my elbow.

Please? Thank you.
What are you doing?

What are you--
I'm just--

I just want you to--
musicians are needy people.

I think the last thing
we want around us,

especially you,
is needy people.

Yeah I know, you're right.
You're right, you're right.
Yeah. Yeah.

You're fired.
(all laughing)

All right! You see,
now that's funny.

Well, let's just take
a second and examine it.

Why is that funny exactly?

Because we've
got a rhythm,

we've got our magic.
You don't-- you don't

mess that up by throwing
an outsider into the mix.

All right, you know,
I'll think about it.

You're right,
maybe we're doing this
too quickly.

I think so.
Let's give it
another thought.

We're thinking about it.
Right.

We'll think about it.
Okay, thank you.

I've spoken my piece.
I feel better.

Okay.
Okay.

All right, thanks.

You'll call Jake's agent
tomorrow, hire him.

I'll try him right now.
Good. Okay,
see you tomorrow.

Where you going?
Gotta go home, Artie.

What're you running off for?
You gonna clock in?

No, Francine and I
are having a dinner,

and I don't wanna be late.

Oh, the little lady has got
you on a short lease.

That is not what
it is, Artie.

I fucked this relationship
up once,

I just don't wanna
fuck it up again.
Got you.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

No, what?

Oh fuck me.
Poker at James Coburn's place.

Oh god, I did, I forgot.
I went through a great
deal to arrange this,

because you said you were
dying to attend.

I want to go,
but I gotta go home, Artie.

The great Jimmy Caan will be
there at your request,

dying to see you.
Let's do it next week, okay?

I got the flowers
for Francine.
Thank you.

And I had them bring
the car around to the back.

Oh, these are great.
Have fun, okay?

Thank you.
Hey, Larry.

Hey Jake, good show tonight.
Good show.
Thank you.

I wanted to ask,
was it okay I did that bit
during the alarm clock thing?

Are you kidding?
It was truly colossal.

Yeah, yeah, it was good.
'Cause I don't
wanna be out of line,

I don't wanna
step on Hank's toes.
Oh, screw Hank.

(laughs)
So it's okay?

Yeah, I agree with
everything Artie said.
Thank you.

Except the screwing Hank part,
that's a personal judgment call.

Francine? I'm home!

I hope Larry
found my note.

God, you know Mom and
Dad couldn't believe it,

when they heard you were
back with him.

Mom and Dad couldn't believe it
the first time I wore pants.

Give me a break.
What did they say?

Well you know,
Mom just shook her head

and Dad made a face
like somebody farted.

I just hope
Larry found my note.

We were gonna have
a nice dinner tonight.

He's gonna come home,
I won't be there.

God, look at this thing.
You have no idea.

Oh gosh, Larry's really got
you on a schedule, huh?

This has nothing
to do with Larry.

You say you're gonna be
somewhere at a certain time,

you should be there.

That's what a mature
relationship's all about.

Is that
Aaron Spelling's house?

That's the Mormon Tabernacle.

I'm sorry,
I think you're crazy.

I mean, Larry
is such a show biz--

God, I don't know--

I don't--
how do you deal with that?

Larry's matured a lot since
the last time you saw him.

I really think this thing's
gonna work this time.

Look, it seems to me,

Larry just really cares
about the show.

I mean, that's the whole
thing with him--

the show, the show, the show.

It's like the first thing that
comes out of his mouth,

every time I see him.

"You have to come
to the show."
Who cares?

Francine: Larry?

Dora:
Is that him?

Larry?
Yes.

What are you doing?

I am--
nothing, I'm sitting here
having a nice dinner.

Where were you?
Something came up,

I had to pick up Dora at LAX,

didn't you--
you get my note?

No.
I left it right over
by the door.

(laughing)
I'm a little pissed off.

Get off your ass
and say hello to my sister.

Hello, Dora, nice to see you.
I got you some pudding.

Boy. Hi, Larry.

You look great.

So do you.
Thanks.

Hey, you'll have to come
down to the show.

Well, can I use
the bathroom?

Oh yeah, it's-- it's through
the kitchen and to the right.

It's kinda weird.
Don't forget to flush.

(laughs)

Or not,
it's up to you.

Oh boy. You know...

I'm sorry. She had
a huge fight with Stan.

She jumped on a plane,
I had to go pick her up.

I left you a note.

I busted my ass to get here.
Do you know that?
I know.

Do you know the kind
of responsibilities
I have at work?

Artie and I had
a very important meeting
with James Caan.

We can still have dinner.

I can't have dinner.
I filled up with pudding.

Can't have dinner.

Were these for me?
That's nice.

Why are you never here?

What?
You're never here.

I'd like to know
why you're never here.

What you mean is,
why am I never here
when you want me?

No, I did not--
I did not say that.

What about me?
What about all those times
when I'm sitting here alone,

while you're off
doing the show?
What about that?

You know?
Let's stick to one thing.

Is it that--
(clears throat)
(Dora clears throat)

You're out
of toilet paper.

You know what it is?

In most of the relationships
you've been involved in,

you've been Larry Sanders.

You know,
"the" Larry Sanders.

Yeah.
And the women--

well, doesn't matter
about the women,

'cause you've been
"the" Larry Sanders, right?

Right.
You got to initial
right there.

So all of a sudden,
here comes Francine.

I mean,
she's her own person,

she's got own agenda--
uh, initial--

and you're not
her whole life.

You're just
a part of her life,
and you love her, right?

Yeah.
But you're having trouble,

because you're interpreting
her interest in her own life

as disinterest in yours.

Mm-hmm,
that's what I'm doing.

Artie, that's what
I'm doing.

That's what you're doing.

Yeah, sign it
and initial it here.

So if you can get
over your old habits...

Yeah.
then you can work it out,

and you won't
have a problem.

God, you should
have a column.

Uh, guys, uh,

I don't wanna take
too much of your time,

so I'm just gonna say
this real quickly.

Hank, if this
is about Jake Woodward,
I don't wanna hear it.

No, it's not about that!

Well, what is
on your mind, Hank?

I'm sorry. I lied.
It's about Jake.

God dammit, Hank.

Now whatever--
whatever is best

for the show,
we do that, right?
Yeah.

I mean we're a--
we're a team, right?

I mean,
you know, gimme an "L,"
gimme an "A," gimme an "R,"

gimme an "R," gimme a "Y."

What's that spell?

Come on.
What's that spell?

Larry.

I goddamn like Larry.

Jake, my boy,
how goes it?

You guys wanted
to talk to me?

Can it wait a minute, pal?
We're in the middle

of something
with Mr. Kingsley.
Sure.

Yeah.
It'll just be a sec

or, to use your musical lingo,
a couple of half minutes.

(laughter)

It's not a problem.
I've got an easy schedule.

See you later.

You see, Larry,
it-- "shedule."

Larry, if he stays
or if he goes,

that's your decision.

I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna support that.

Hank. We're bringing Jake
on as the new band leader.

That okay with you?

(audience applauding)

Larry:
Thank you.

Welcome to the show.

(audience applauding)

Well-- all right,
fine, great.

(audience applauding)

Thank you.

Bill Clinton said today
from the economic summit
in Tokyo--

he said-- Bill Clinton
said that the Republicans'
budget plan

is all smoke and mirrors.

I mean, this guy cannot stop
using drug references.

(audience laughing)

How about you, Jake?

Jake, did you vote
for Clinton?

No, but, umm, I think
I sold him some pot

when he was
at Oxford, actually.

(audience laughing)
Larry: Yes, he was there.

And let me tell you,
he definitely inhaled.

He just... exhaled,
you know.

(audience laughing)

Hank:
Our commander-in-grief.

(audience laughing)

What does that mean, Hank?
"Commander-in-grief"?

Our commander-in-grief,
because he is giving us

so many problems.

(audience laughing)

All right.

I think may be Clinton's not
the only one in trouble.

We'll be right back.
Thank you. No flipping.

Jake, you were
very funny out there.

Thanks, thanks.
Good job, Jake.

I'm having a fucking
blast out there.
Good, good.

I gotta tell you,
the difference that
you make--

gee, the energy.

You can really feel it
boiling out there.

I mean,
can't you, Larry?

You okay, Hank?
Sure, never better.

And let me just say
that I noticed that

the birds in the audience

(British accent)
were quite taken with you.

Birds?
The ladies.

Ah, the ladies.
I see.
Yeah, yes.

The squealing
after the number.

Thanks for switching
on the squeal sound.

No, no, no. Come on.
Don't be modest.

No, don't be.

I think the ladies did
love you there, Jake,

and, Hank,
I would hurry up.

You don't wanna miss
that bus to Carnaby Street.

Just one second, please.

Uh, don't mess with me,
Mr. Musicman.

I am warning you.
You step on my turf again,
and you are going down.

You dig?
Chill out.

Yeah. Well, I'll chill out
when you fucking get out.

You're touching
my fucking arm, Hank.

(British accent)
Oh, am I?

Yes, you are.
Am I-- am I really?
Oh, sorry.

(normal voice)
I'm warning you.

Hello, Arthur.

Francine, my beauty.

God, tonight's show
was the cake,

but you definitely
are the icing.
Well, thank you.

And don't tell me this
delightful young woman--

This is my sister, Dora.

Of course, a double
dollop of icing.

You remember Arthur.
He produces the show.

Yes. Hi.
Hello, Dora.

Hi, Francine.
Beverly, Dora.
Dora, Beverly.

Dora, how are you?

I'm fine, fine.
Good.

Larry,
just a few things here.

I need these
eight-by-tens signed
so they can go out tonight.

Here are your tickets
for San Francisco.
Good, good, good.

And this one
is to Kelli with an "I."
Okay. You have the gold pen?

Beverly: Oh yeah.
You're going to San Francisco?

When?
Yeah.

We're going.
You know, this Friday.

We are going out for--

I'm doing that one-nighter
at Circle Star Theater.

We talked about this
weeks ago.
I don't think so.

Yeah. Maybe Beverly
mentioned it to you.

No.
Well, it'll be fun.

I'm not going.
The Creative Action
Coalition is having

a barbeque
for Barbara Boxer.

I promised them I'd go
and maybe do a story on it.

Well, can't you cancel?

Why is it that you think that
whatever you're doing is

so much more important
than whatever I am doing?

I did not--
I never said that.

What I said was
I would like us

to go to San Francisco
for the weekend together.

I'd like to stress that I said
the word "together."
Right.

Are you actually asking me
to quit my job?

No, I never said anything
about quitting your job.

But that's what
you're thinking.
I did not.

Why don't you
at least admit it?
I-- what?

Being in a relationship
requires sacrifice.

That's what it is.

I was here last night,
on time.

Yeah, okay, well, so,

you know I'll just quit my job
and then you can just quit

your fuckin show,
then we'll just be like this
24 hours a day.

How's that?
Good.

That would be great.

Together, like this?

(laughs)
Hey, great.

Wouldn't that be great?
Oh, screw it.

Your show is on
in five minutes.
Enjoy it.

It's on in...

(door slams)

Did any of Johnny's
wives work?

Well, they were
fully functional.

Is that the question?
No, not exactly, Artie.

But, that's good to know.

I mean, did they have
a lot of outside interests?

You mean, besides revolving
around Johnny

like so many moons
around Jupiter?

No. Yes.
Well, first of all,

all of Johnny's wives had
the same first name,

so that confused things
from the get go.

Listen, Larry, Jesus, god.

Francine's got a job.
Big deal.

My first wife was
working 12-hour days

when we first got married.

Yeah? Well,
how did you handle that?

I fired her ass.
She was my secretary.

My name is Hank Kingsley.
How do you do?

(audience applauding)

You gonna be great.

Get word back
to Larry that this--
they're-- they're great.

Okay?
All right.

So, let's see.

Oh, over there, a very
important gentlemen, Kent.

Say hello to Kent,
our stage manager.

(applause)

Now, Kent is very important.

Now, show 'em that contraption
that you're wearing.

Please.
You see?

Now that allows him to talk
directly to the director,
or so you think.

But he's not doing that.
He's ordering dinner.

He is actually hooked up
directly to the McDonald's
on Alameda.

(audience laughing)

(plays sting)

Who is that over--

that's Jack Woodword,
ladies and gentlemen,

our band leader.

It's Jake actually, Hank,

in case you forgot. Jake.

Jack Woodword,
very fortunate to have
him here.

He-- we outbid
some of the finest
high school marching bands

to get him in--
right here tonight.

Yeah, actually,
I do miss my baton
and furry hat.

(audience laughing)

Warming up here.
Interesting,
when those drugs

just kick in like that.
Isn't it?

Isn't that great? Yeah.

But, he's doing very well.
Very well.

We are very glad
to have him here,
especially since those--

those charges against
having sex with minors
has been dropped.

It has been dropped.
Hasn't it?

(audience murmuring)

Now...

Let's see.
Where am I?

Oh yeah,
you see these--

(chuckles)
Excuse me, you see these...

uh, signs over here
that says, "Applesauce."

No, they don't say,
"Applesauce."

They say, "Applause."
Can I hear you applaud?

(applauding)
Come on! Come on!

What the hell are
you fuckin do?

You lost your goddamn
fucking mind?

Well, I'm sorry.

I mean, I think they--
the audience knew--

they knew I was joking.
(mockingly grunts)

That-that-- that audience
comes on buses, Hank.

They can barely tell
when I'm joking.

Hi, Phil.
(gasps) Oh!

Jesus, what time is it?

Umm, 6:40.

Good, I missed the show.

I still can't believe
you're bringing him dinner
at his office.

It's romantic.
No. It's pathetic.

You have to protect yourself.
You have to give yourself--

keep yourself
at a safe distance.

I have been keeping myself
at such a safe distance
from Larry,

I'm turning into a jerk.

You remember
how bad things were back
when you were married?

I was an idiot back then,
and at some point

you get over it, right?

Okay.

Okay, I--
it's your life.

Okay.

Come on, come on.
Let's go.

This place gives me
the creeps.

Here's the key to my car
and my apartment.

You're not coming?

I'll be at Larry's tonight.

All right?

Well, okay,
in my own defense,
you know, that--

that joke about sex
with minors?
Uh-huh.

I think I confused them.
I think they actually thought
I meant miners.

You know, real miners
down in the mine.

They did not.
Hey, Hank,
that was a real delight.

Child molestation?
Very classy.

Very funny.
All right, Jake.

You know, I am not having
some clown in a fucking girdle

talking about me like that.

Listen...
Mmm.

We're-we're--
we're talking about this.

Let's cool down.
All right. No. Number one--
number one-- number one,

I wear this girdle
for medical reasons.

(humphs)
All right?
I am performing with pain.

Jesus fucking Christ.
All right?
And number two, asshole...

All right!
is that if I am a clown,

it's because I am funny
and you're not,

dick face.
You are a joke.
A joke.

That's right.
Yeah. Exactly.

God dammit.
Settle down.
Act like gentlemen.

Francine: Hi.
Who's that?

Francine.
Hello.

Honey, what are
you doing here?

I thought we'd have a little
after-show picnic, you know?

Oh, that is great.

Oh, you got my favorite
cheese with the mold.

I got your cheese
and a really great
bottle of wine.

Yeah, that would be great.
What do you say?

I'm in. Picnic.

Let's do it in my office.
It's sort of--

Larry, can I talk to you?
Come on, Larry.

Yeah. Let me--
I just have to do this.

Okay.
And then I'll be right there.

Okay?
It will just be a minute.

Jake, I apologize,
and Hank apologizes.

Don't you, Hank?
Damn right he does.
Go ahead.

All right,
I apologize, okay?
All right.

I apologize. Great.
(Artie mumbles)

All right, what I said,
what I did out there
was out of line.

But this-- this is
just for right here, okay?

So take your-- you know,
your tea and your crumpets

and Queen Mum
and shove 'em up
your jolly old rectum.

Ah, great.
Jesus.

Larry. I'm sorry.
Look, I've really had enough.

No, I am quitting.
I quit.

Artie: Oh man.
What do you mean
you're quitting?

This will take one--
one second.
Just a second.

What do you mean
you're quitting?

I'm sorry.
I can't carry on like that.

You know doing something
like this takes sacrifice.

Okay?
Everybody has to sacrifice.

Absolutely.
I'm sorry.

I have no idea
what that means.
I am getting my gear.

You don't know
what that means?
No, no idea.

Fucking preschool.
Can I be excused?
I have got to go meet

Get her.
Jake: Get your hands off
my fucking equipment!

Artie:
Well, sounds like a rumble.

Hank:
This equipment belongs
to "The Larry Sanders Show,"

featuring me,
"Hey now" Hank Kingsley!

Jake: What are you--
Hank:
You limey piece of shit!

Take your hands off me!
(clattering)

I was here first!

Artie: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Larry: All right, all right!
Get off him, Artie!

Honey, I'm really--

You know, this is
really good cheese.

Where is she?

She left 20 minutes ago.
She did?

Are you kidding?
No, you want some wine?

No. I gotta go home.

Okay.
Was she, uh... upset?

What do you think?

Right. Maybe I'll have
a glass of wine.

(theme music playing)