All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E10_English

Hank:
All right, here we go.

This is exciting,
isn't it?

Man:
In five, four, three, two...

♪ ♪

Hank:
Live, on tape from Hollywood.

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry
and his guests, Marisa Tomei,

baseball great Pete Rose,
author Anne Rice,

and me,
hey now, Hank Kingsley.

And now, because only he
contains a touch

of pure creamery butter,

Larry Sanders!

(crowd cheering)

Thank you, thank you.
(cheering, applause continue)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You are so much better
than last night's crowd.

I want to get right
to the jokes.

Air Force Major General
Harold Campbell

described
President Clinton

as gay-loving, pot-smoking
and womanizing.

Clinton
retaliated by saying,

"Well, at least
I'm fun to be with."

(laughter and applause)

Pepsi is attempting
to control the damage

caused
by recent tampering

by switching to a brand-new
slogan,

which is "Diet Pepsi,

even with the syringe,
it's just one calorie."

(laughter and applause)

We have
a wonderful show.

My guests tonight
are Marisa Tomei,

Pete Rose
and Anne Rice.

Stay tuned, we'll be
right back.

(cheering and applause)

What a delight,
that Marisa.

You were great
with Marisa Tomei.

Oh, come on.

She wasn't wearing
underwear, was she?

Oh, that--

That shook you up,
didn't it?

You were
very funny.

Damn right, shook me up,
I stunk the rest of the show.

Oh, bullshit.
Good show.

You see?
Yes.

Do you think
it was a good show?
Yes.

Did you see
the monologue?

Uh, yeah, I did, and I laughed
out loud three times.

I did 12 jokes.

I laughed at all 12
of them.

Well, that means she
didn't laugh nine times.

You got some messages here
for Larry?
Uh, yes, I do.

Larry, Francine called
and she's at your house.

Oh, you gave her
a key, did you?

Would you please,
later?

Okay, your agent
called.

He always calls
when I'm on the air.

He'll call
you back.

Yeah, he'll call me tomorrow
night when I'm on the air.

Trick him, put him through
tomorrow night, you know that?

Do it.
Okay.

Oh, and there's a guy here
to see you named Stan Paxton?

I didn't know
who he was,

so I told them to have him
wait downstairs.

Your Stan Paxton?
Is it my Stan Paxton?

Who's your
Stan Paxton?

My ex standup
partner.

A once-talented
nobody

who obviously wants
something from someone.

I haven't seen Stan
in 15 years.

You want me to kick his
parasitic ass into the street?

What is
your problem?

Sorry.
That's right.

That's right, I forgot,
you used to be a bouncer.

That's the way
I started in show biz.

Sometimes I revert,
okay?

Could we try not to be
so cynical, please?

I am not cynical.
Just--

Just once,
just today.

All right.
Thank you.

Hey, Sanders,
you asshole.

How they hanging,
man?

Stan.
Hey, Larry.

Man,
how you doing?

Stan, hi.

It's great
to see you.

It is great
to see you, Stan.

Jeez, not a day goes by we don't
think, hey, where's Stan Paxton?

Hey, I don't have to wonder
what you're doing, man.

I see you on TV
every night.

Yeah, I'm doi''
all right.

Yeah?
You look great.

So do you.

A little older, maybe.

Turn around,
let me see the ass.

No, no, really?
Let me see the--

Come on,
let me see the ass.

Well, these
are baggy pants.
Let me see the ass!

It's still
killer, though.

You wear it
a little lower these days.

Well, I wear it lower,
so then, you know,

'cause that's
where my belt is.

We're all getting older,
you know,

I was jerking off
the other day.

Steam came out!
(they all laugh)

I've had
that happen, too.

Artie, this is Stan.
Stan, Artie.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I'm a big admirer
of yours, man.

Same here.

Pleasure meeting you,
Stan.

I'm sorry
we don't have more time.

But we've got a very busy
schedule here.

These are
your offices!

These are your offices
in here? Yeah...

I never even met him,
but he hasn't changed, has he?

I wish you could
see your eyebrows.

Really, they're...

I mean, I can't pick up
a magazine

without reading your
name these days.

I was just reading
about you in the "Star"--

You drink cranberry juice,
I've been reading that.

I know you drink cranberry
juice--

Well, Stan, I wish
we had more time, but--

Oh, yeah, yeah,
sure, sure, sure.

we do have
a busy schedule here today.

Sure, no, I understand.
I just--

I just came by because I wanted
to give you this, Larry.

It's a check
for $127 that I owe you.

For what?

1978, Baltimore Holiday Inn,
you were sleeping,

I took $127 out
of your pocket.

That was you?

What did you do-- What--
What did you need the money for?

I don't know, coke,
hookers, something.

At least it didn't go
to waste. (chuckling)
(chuckling)

I'm sorry, man, I mean it,
I really, I am sorry.

Hey, listen, I just feel bad
for that maid I had fired.

That's right,
it was coke.

I was banging that maid--

Don't worry about her, man,
she had the time of her life.

No wonder our room was
never cleaned on time.

Larry, we really have
to keep moving along here.

We don't want to keep the
Chrysler people waiting.

Yeah, right,
sure.

Hey, listen, Stan,
I can't take this.

I'm making money,
I'm doing pretty good.

I mean, I don't make
Letterman money,

but you know,
you can keep that.

No... no!

Hank: Hey, now!
Well, now--

that one sounded like you had
Tourette's Syndrome there.

You're right, it was
a little too forced, huh?

Hank, this is Stan.
Stan, Hank.

Yeah.
Oh, Stan,
Stan Paxton!

It's an honor to meet you,
I love your work, man.

What are you talking--
It's an honor to meet you!

I gotta tell you,
I'm a big, big fan of your--

You guys. Oh, yeah!
No.

I still listen to the
"I'm Larry, He's Stan" album

every couple of months.
Really?

Well, no,
actually, I lied.

My record player broke
during the riots,

but is
"I'm Larry, He's Stan,"

is that out on CD,
by any chance?

Actually, uh...

Hank, do you have some parting
words you'd like to say to Stan?

(chuckling)

Hey, the old partner meets
the new partner, jeez.

The ex partner.
Nah!

Hank, Stan, I've been
trying to get Larry

to this meeting
with the Chrysler people.

Sure.
Oh, right, right.

Hey,
who are we trying to avoid?

Hey, uh...

We got a lot
to talk about.
Yeah.

Come over
for dinner.
Dinner?

(crickets chirping)
Ahem.

So what have you
been doing

since you--
you quit doing standup?

Oh, I've been
working.

As a temp.

Oh, well, that's--
that's great.

Isn't it, Larry?
Great.

That is great.
Yeah.

You're lucky you're not
in show business.
Oh, God.

Oh, man.
Yeah.

Well, I'll--

I'll fax things in
every now and then, you know,

to Dangerfield
or Joan Rivers,

just to keep my finger
in the pie.

Oh, now, that is great,
because-- because then

you have an outlet
for the creative,

you know, the humor.

I don't know what Larry would do
without that kind of an outlet.

I'd probably temp.
(chuckling)

So Stan,
you seem happy.

No, I mean, you know,
after...

Larry left, I--

My life changed
a lot.

Oh, well, I think change can be
a very good thing sometimes.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Where--
Where's your bathroom?

It's
through the kitchen.

It's kind of weird,
you have to, you know...

All the way
through the kitchen, Stan.

Hey, that was
that one New Year's Eve, man.

Never let me
forget!

I am tired of holding
this whole conversation.

Would you please
say something?

God, what do you want me
to say to a guy

who just said
I ruined his life.
That's what he just said.

Why did you invite him
here to dinner?

Because I ruined his life,
so I figured, well, I better--

Well, don't feel guilty,
he's not your responsibility.

I don't feel guilty.
Well, good, you shouldn't.

I just feel
so fucking guilty.

I mean, I wish there was
something I could do for him,

but I don't know what.

Hey, did you find
the bathroom okay?

Yeah, big house.

Yeah.
Big house.

We only use
two rooms.

They're not all ours.
I noticed.

It's kind of like
"The Shining"
around this place.

I think I saw Scatman Crothers
in your kitchen burning toast.

(both laughing)

Hey, uh, Stan?

What would you,
um...

think about, maybe,
writing on my show?

You mean fax it in?

No, I mean...

you know,
come down full time.

Something
to think about.

Wow, that would be
incredible, man.

Great.

Um...

What would it pay?

I should have been
at that dinner.

Well, listen, who knew
he'd say yes, Artie?

Of course
he'd say yes!

This show is the hottest
showcase for comedic talent

in the universe!

Temp worker
my ass.

He's a stone
hustler!

Could we try not
to be so cynical?

Didn't I ask you
yesterday?

I'm being realistic,
buddy.

You have just stepped in a huge
pile of shit named Stan Paxton

and you're tracking it
all over my office.

Maybe he'll do a great job and
he'll help out around the show.

If he's so goddamned great,
why did you two break up?

Because.
Because?

Just because.
Oh, I see.

Creative
differences.

Yeah, there were some creative
differences, that's all.

Well, I don't need
any fucking creative differences

in my office!

It happens to be
our office, Artie.

No, it's your show,
it's my office!

What are you
so upset about?

You wanna know why?
Huh?

Yeah.

Because!
Open or closed?

(door slamming)
Open.

So if you don't mind me asking,
why'd you and Larry split up?

Nuh-uh, no,

way over the line there,
Jerry.

No, no, no--
I mean, you know Larry.

He's very driven, ambitious,
very driven kinda...

Yeah, you gotta be,
you know, in this business.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, I got into
the business mainly to get laid.

I think that's what basically
bothered Larry,

is that I was
getting laid all the time.

Yeah, I know
about that one, ooh.

Hey, oh, great,
hey, five copies.

Thanks, Mark.
Yo, yo, chief, chief.

What happened to the newspapers
and magazines you're supposed
to get me?

I'll have them
for you in a half hour.

I just gotta get these tapes--
I don't want
explanations, man.

Just get me the newspapers,
okay?

I need 'em
to write my jokes.

I'll see if Eddie
can get it, that's--

Put it
in your diary, man.

Just get me the newspapers,
capisce?

Thanks, chief!

Stan, come on,
he's a good kid.

Come on.
He knows
I'm just joking.

Anyway, I was balling the chicks
everywhere we went.

Larry basically would fall
in love every town we got to.

I think that's how he met
Francine, actually.

Ugh, it's like
a fairy tale.

Yeah, the one about the comic
who comes to town,

fucks the princess?

(laughs)

(audience laughing)

Well, the water here
in Los Angeles is so bad,

the lead content
is so high,

that it was announced today

a baby was born
in Los Angeles Hospital

who weighed
7,000 pounds.

(laughter)

Yeah.
He sold it.

He sold it so well,

should give the crowd
a fucking receipt.

Fuck me.
You called?

He tells one lousy joke
of mine,

and he stumbles
on Lech Walesa's name.

It's a hard name
to pronounce.

Yeah, right, Jesus.

Look at that.

He just skipped
another one of my jokes.

What are you saving it for,
Larry?

The Tonys?

Look at that,
look at that.

He just shook off
the cue card guy.

Don't touch
the monitor, sir.

I mean, who do I have to blow
around here to get my jokes on?

Me.

Stan,
you do me a favor?

Shut the fuck up!

Thank you.
(Larry on TV)
A new study shows

that Americans eat 20 pounds
of candy per year.

Does that sound right
to you, Hank?

Drinking during the monologue
in my fucking monitor!

You're kidding.
Are you positive?

I could smell it
in his coffee.

Some kind of cheap
domestic plain-wrapped
vodka.

Maybe that smell
was that boom operator.

Oh, hell, I fired
his sorry ass months ago.

I won't tolerate alcohol
in my office.

Yeah, but you have alcohol
in your office.

That's
for weekends.

Well, I'll talk to Stan.
I gotta take a piss.

I gotta go alone, I gotta
clear my head, all right?

Oh, I'll just hang here
by the door,

like
some crapper gargoyle.

(breathing heavily)

Hey, we were just talking
about you out there.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Hey, can I talk
to you a second?

Yeah, I actually want
to talk to you, man.

Why aren't you
doing my stuff?

What,
are you joking?

I just--
I did the--

I did the Lech Walesa joke
out there.

Oh, now you can
say his name.

Oh, Jesus, Stan, you haven't
changed at all, you know that?

Well, I just think, if this
is one of these things

where you hired me because
you feel sorry for me--

I did not hire you
because I feel sorry for you.

I hired you because you happen
to be a very good writer

and this is a
professional situation.

Yeah?
Are you drinking?

'Cause I smell alcohol in here
and it just smells like...

You're
in a bathroom.

You smell disinfectant
and urine, man.

Well, how come I smell it
on your breath?

Come on, Larry, let's not
start this stuff now, please.

I have
my own problems.

Those guys are
burying my jokes, man.

What guys are
burying your jokes?

Frick and Frack
out there.

I mean, it'd just be
a lot nicer

if I could bring the stuff
directly to you.

You know
the difference

between the good stuff
and the bad stuff, man.

You wanna bring
the stuff to me?

Yes.

Look, Stan?

You wanna bring
the stuff directly to me,

bring it directly
to me, okay?

I'll take a look
at it in my office.

You don't have to go
through the other guys,
all right?

Thanks, man.
Good, sure.

Thank you.

Anything else?

What is this,
your office, Fonzie?

(laughs)

(toilet flushes)

Fuck me, someone just
fuck me, right--

So, while
you're eating,

you and your food
are going on an adventure.

That's great, Hank.

'Cause you know, there's nothing
I like better after a big meal

than spinning around
till I puke. (laughs)

(joins in)

You stop.

Larry investing
in this?

Larry, Larry is going to be
an honorary silent partner.

Think he can
handle it?

You know, Stan.

I know you don't have much
discretionary income,

but I just want you
to know,

that you're always gonna have
a table waiting for you

at Hank's
Lookaround Café.

So you-- Go ahead,
you can just--

You know, which one
do you want?

Just...

One what?

Uh, a table.

Okay, I'll--

I'll take this one.

Okay.
(laughs)

(laughs)

You still got it,
Stan Paxton!

Hey, do you know,
my favorite bit

that you and Larry
used to do?

The man on the street
versus--

No, not versus.

The man
on the street meets--

Meets the man
on the moon.
The man on the moon.

Uh, listen, uh,
I hate to ask you,

could you do a little
of that for me now?

Can you?

Hank, that'd be like me
asking you to say "Hey now."

Okay,
"Hey now."

Please?

Please, come on, come on,
it'll really make my day,

and go ahead,
I'll do it with you,

'cause I know it
word for word.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Nah.

I re--

I really like you,
Stan Paxton.

Thanks, Hank.

You don't help alcoholics

by giving them
everything they want.

I don't give him
everything he wants.

Why do you have such a problem
confronting people?

I don't want
to discuss that now.

What did you say
to Stan

when you broke up the act
15 years ago?

I said, "Uh, Stan,"--
It was 15 years ago.

Did you tell him the problem
was the drinking?

Did you?

No,
I don't recall.

Larry, maybe if you'd
told him that back then,

then maybe today,
Stan would be...

Hank or--
That's a horrible thing
to say.

I wouldn't wish that
on anybody.

All right, look,
just don't fire him

and make up
some bullshit excuse.

You owe it to him
to be honest.

You're right,
you're right.

Okay?
Oh, these beauties are
perfectly medium rare,

except for yours, Lar,
which is burnt, well done.

Fucking crime to...

You don't ruin a beautiful
piece of meat like that!

That's the way-- Artie,
I am firing Stan tomorrow.

I've made up my mind.
Good.

'Cause giving a guy
like that everything he wants,

it's not
helping him.

I don't give him
everything he wants, Artie.

Where is the beer?

There's some
in the kitchen.

Sid, you gotta change
"hose" to "house."

That's the Clinton
White House.

If it's white hose,
it sounds like, you know,

stockings that Hillary wears
or something like that.

What--
Anybody can make
a mistake.

Just change it back,
all right?

Why-- Why haven't I seen
half of these jokes?

These are Stan's.

What are you--
Stan submit--

Do you want me
to tell you?

Stan submitted some directly
to my office, okay?

Has there, has there been
a change in procedure?

There's no change
in procedure.

Well, what do you--
Could I--

Could I get a moment later
to talk to you about him?

Yeah, you can talk
to me later about it.

This should be
"house."

Do you read these things
before you copy them or what?

Can we have this ready
by the time the show goes on?

Stan, I talked to him
about the jokes.

It's all
taken care of.

Phil, I will talk
to you about this later.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Sure, Larry.
Okay, great.

Uh, let's--
let's go over here.

Listen.

Can you guys give us
some space here?

I, uh...

I want to tell you
something.

Can I say
something?

Thank you
for having me do this job.

It means a lot
to me.

You don't know
how great it is

to just be writing jokes
for real people

instead of telling them
to a waitress someplace.

Thank you, Larry.

Well, listen, your jokes
have been just hilarious,

really,
just hilarious.

Thanks.

There are a couple
other things, though,

that I think are getting
in the way of, you know,

your job here.

Oh, wait, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Oh, this is the kiss-off!
Oh, I get it!

Your jokes are hilarious,
but you're fired.

I'm disappointed, Larry,
I expected more from you.

Not a kiss-off.

Your jokes
are great, okay?

They're just not--
They're not all
in my voice.

They're more
of your point of view.

They'd be hilarious
if you said 'em.

But, you know,
there's a bigger issue.

Well, then...
The big issue--

Let me do them
on the show.

Let me go on the show
and do them.

What are you
talking about?
You know I'd be great.

Put me
on the show, man!
Come on!

You haven't been on stage
in what, 15 fucking years?

You owe me this one,
Larry, come on.

You know that,
you owe me this one.

Stan, there's a whole
procedure with tapes.

The talent coordinators
have to see the tapes.

I got tapes,
I got tapes.

I got tapes coming
out of my asshole!

You want a tape?
I got a tape.

I'll go get you
a tape.

I got a tape, I got tapes,
I'll get a tape.

Speaking of rehab,
I was down in Bakersfield.

Is that like, strange, or--
or what?

I mean, it's like, it's such
a boring, boring place.

I mean,
once you've masturbated,

you've pretty much
shot the day.

That's--
that's about it.

David Koresh, you know, the guy
that was down in Waco, Texas?

He-- Turns out, he was obsessed
with Madonna.

Now, man,

I guess that guy pretty much
off his rocker after all, hmm?

Madonna.

Remember Madonna?

All right,
an honest assessment?

Well, my guess is that tape
did come out of his ass.

Phil?

(scoffs)

He's your friend.

Come on.

He blows.

I mean,
but...

he almost made
abortion funny.

Jerry?

Jerry?

He looked good.

What about
the act?

It was about
five minutes too long.

That's all he did
was five minutes.

Artie:
I should have fired him.

At least
when I fire somebody,

they don't end up on the show
the next night.

Look,
is he really that bad?

Artie:
Larry?

You wanna
put him on?

We'll put him on
at 12:25.

Who the fuck is
watching then, anyway?

That's true.

And you know, we've had worse
comics than this on, by the way.

Like who?
Gallagher.

We haven't had Gallagher on,
but there's a perfect example.

Well, fuck it,
let's put him on.

Come on.
Good.

Good.

All right...

We can't
put him on.

Damn right, we can't.

Stan?

Stan?
(empty bottle clattering)

Hey, Larry.

What the fuck
are you doing, man?

I guess I'm a little nervous
about being on the show.

Well, you know what?

We're all a little nervous
about you being on the show.

Hank:
Hey, I saw the tape.

And you got nothing
to be nervous about.

It's very, very
funny stuff.

Thanks, Hank.

He's great,
Hank.

Hey, you know, I've gone on
stage like this 100 times.

You remember.
Yeah, I remember.

I remember you tripping
over the mic stand

and I remember you
insulting people in the audience

and I remember you just
generally sucking.

We can go back and forth
on this all night long,

I have a show
to do right now.

No, you don't.

Oh, wonderful.

We're gonna
start this now?

Stan, you're not going on
in this condition.

Give me one good reason
why I can't go on tonight.

You want a good reason?
You want one good reason?

'Cause you're
fucking drunk, Stan!

The same way you were
15 years ago.

That's why I left.

Okay?

(scoffing)

Let's talk about this
later, all right?

I have a show to do.

No, you don't.

You're not going on
like this, Stan.

You need help.

You get some help,
then you come back

and you can do the show,
all right?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, Stan.

Morning, Larry.
Morning.

Beverly?

Did we get clearance
on the Schwarzenegger footage?

Oh, I don't know,
I'll check.

Good, good.
I feel great today,
I gotta tell you.

I feel like a whole weight's
been lifted off my shoulders.

Great.
Yeah.

Um, have you spoken
to Arthur yet today?

No, huh-uh.
About the...?

Let me, uh,
get Arthur.
Okay.

Hey.

Good, you're sitting down.

What, no on
the Schwarzenegger
footage?

Ah, fuck it, we'll use
something else.

Got some bad news
about Stan.

What, he's on "Arsenio"
this week? (chuckling)

They found him
in his car.

What do you mean
they found him in his car?

He was shot.

What, a carjacking?

No, Larry,
he shot himself.

They found a gun
in his hand.

Is he, uh...

No, he even
bungled that.

He missed.

He shot off the top
of his left ear.

Oh, oh, my God.

Stan killed
himself.

He didn't kill himself,
he just fucked up his left ear.

No, no, no, I have friends
at Memorial Hospital,

and he had a shotgun,

he put a shotgun in his mouth
and he pulled the trigger.

Why--

Why would anybody do
anything like that?

Bullshit,
it was his ear!

No, I have-- I have friends--
Oh, what friends?

Excuse me,
I'm sorry.

Larry, Stan's
on the phone.

Hank:
Uh, I don't think so.

Uh, how is he?

He's calling
from the hospital.

This is
a horrible trick.

What line?
Two.

Hello?
Stan?

I don't think so.

He's talking
to him, Hank!

Maybe yes,
maybe no.

Would you
keep it down, please?

Stan, how are you?

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, listen,
I--

I'm glad we had that talk, too.

Yeah.

Good.

Well, that's--
that's great.

Good.

Well, yeah, I guess you could
fax 'em right here, sure.

Great. Hey, I'm gonna
come down
and see you tom--

What?
Health plan?

I don't-- I don't know.
Hold on.

Don't you have to be working
longer than three days

to qualify
for the health plan?

I don't know.

Artie?

No health plan!

(door slams)

Uh, Stan, I guess
there's some procedure.

(theme song playing)