Original subtitles

Hank: Now, that sign says...

"applesauce."

No, no, no, no, no. (audience laughing)

I'm kidding, it says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

(applause) All right.

Now, remember, you're all--

you're all a big part of the show.

So the better you are, the better Larry is.

Okay, now you see this gentleman?

Now, he's giving me this, uh, this sign and it says,

"We're on in 10 seconds,

"so get ready to have a good time."

Now, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man: In... five, four, three, two...

♪ ♪

Hank: Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry and his guests,

Emma Thompson...

Frank Langella...

comedian Hugh Fink...

and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because the governor called...

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Welcome.

Welcome aboard.

(cheering, applause continues)

Welcome.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, let's get right to the, uh...

right to the big news, of course, that pertains to us.

Former sidekick Ed McMahon is suing the "Star"

for calling him a drunk.

Now, I feel that, uh, of course,

we have to stand up for Ed,

and I know that Hank--

I don't know where the tabloids get these ideas.

Hank, you know and hang out with Ed.

Yes. (light laughter)

Could you clear this right-- clear this up right now for us?

Yes, I can.

I, uh, I know for a fact that Ed is not a drunk.

Well, there you have it.

Thank you.

(cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you for clearing that up.

He is on crack.

(laughter)

But, uh, kids?

Just say no.

The, uh... (laughter)

Back to me.

The Kennedys are selling their famous Palm Beach estate.

Without any renovation,

it's being turned into a T.G.I. Friday's.

And by the way, for some of you wondering...

Please, no more jokes.

...the wet T-shirt contest will still be on Tuesdays.

(cheering and applause)

No more jokes, Larry.

Michael Jackson has purchased a 12-foot albino snake

and named it-- absolutely true-- he's named it Madonna.

Now...

(footsteps above)

(crickets chirping)

(screaming)

It's me.

God, you scared the shit out of me.

There's someone on the roof. What?

There's-- I-- shh. Listen, there's a sound.

I heard a sound on the roof. Listen.

Maybe it-- Shh!

(whispers) Maybe it was a squirrel.

(whispers) Squirrel, my ass.

It was something really big.

It's one of those fuckin' tour buses.

Maybe someone jumped off and ran up onto the roof.

Yeah, that's probably what it was. Yeah.

Your address is on all those maps.

I know.

How'd you know that?

When my sister was in town, she went to see

where Tony Danza lives. Oh.

Nice vacation. Mm-hmm.

(rattling)

Your sister's not in town, is she?

Good morning.

Hey, who's on the show tonight?

Gloria Estefan, Michael Richards...

Yeah, hey, have you been, uh, keeping any mail from me?

Any threatening letters, anything I should know about?

No, no more than usual.

Wait a minute, what's the usual?

Larry, you asked me not to tell you.

Well, I think you should tell me from now on, okay?

Why, did you have some kind of incident?

No, no, I had no kind of incident.

I just, you know, these things happen.

Look at that woman who breaks into Letterman's house

every other night.

Uh-huh, you had an incident. I had no kind of incident.

Larry, I can call this guy if you want.

Who's that?

Whitewood Security Systems. No...

They specialize in a celebrity clientele. No, no, no.

It's the same guy Stallone uses.

Let me see.

(muttering)

"John Lennon, Sharon Tate, these unfortunate incidences

"could have been prevented by adequate security"?

They're just preying on people's fears.

Get it out of here. That's sick. Throw it away?

Throw it away.

No, just-- let me see.

Who's on the show tonight, by the way?

Gloria Estefan, Michael Richards... Yeah.

...and the winner of the Larry Sanders Look-alike Contest.

Alec Baldwin won, didn't he?

Well, I... like to vacation in Hawaii.

That's wild, so do I.

I know.

In... fact, I always stay where you stay.

When I'm in Hawaii, I stay at the Kapalua Bay,

just like you.

(light laughter)

This is wild.

I even stay in your favorite room.

You know, 714, the one with the bathtub.

(clears throat) Yeah.

And the shower. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, it's just great having you here.

I wish we had more time.

Me too. (chuckling)

Well, listen, uh, thanks for coming here tonight.

Congratulations on winning the contest.

And, uh, I want to say to you folks at home,

thank you, see you tomorrow night,

and I promise, no guests will look like me.

Sleep well.

(music and applause)

Good job.

Good job to you.

Good job, Larry.

Good job.

Good job.

Man: We are clear.

All I'm saying, Artie, is if it was a squirrel,

it must've weighed 140 pounds and been able to walk erect.

Well, I still say you should go

with the 12-foot electrical fence.

Don't you think that's a little gaudy?

Gaudy, hell, fry the motherfuckers.

Uh, Larry, Artie, what do you think, huh?

Hank Look-alike Contest next week.

Huh, yeah, oh, you guys look like

the two Captain Kirk episode from "Star Trek."

Right, "Incident on Rigel VII."

(imitates Shatner) "Don't endanger the ship, Spock.

"Kill us both."

(chuckling)

You're a gifted man. Oh, thanks.

You know, maybe one night I could do it on the ship.

Uh, not this, uh...

Larry, for God sakes, if you don't want to get any security,

at least let me come home

and sit around with you tonight.

I took out the bar, Artie.

Oh, young people.

Hey, what the fuck you doing?!

He's sniffing my jacket, Artie.

I just want to see what kind of cologne Larry wears.

Because I know Larry's birthday's coming up on the 19th and I want...

Hey, hey.

Larry: Easy, Artie.

Sit down! Hey.

Oh, what might this be?

Francine.

I just want to get a copy of it

because I know Larry's seeing her again,

and I just-- ow!

You'll be very sorry if you don't stop treating me this...

way! (grunting)

Artie, Artie, stop it. You're gonna hurt Larry.

Get off me, you buffalo!

Larry: Hank!

The guy looked nothing like me, by the way.

He looked like Linda Hunt, if you ask me.

And as I'm driving home, I realize this guy's tailing me.

How could he-- how do you know he was tailing you?

Because I made a left, he made a left,

then I made a right, he made a right.

I made a left and a right and a left,

and the guy did exactly the same thing.

Then what happened when you pulled in your driveway?

He drove by. He went right by.

Which is exactly what I would do if I was stalking somebody.

I'd see where they lived

and I'd come back later to kill him.

Yeah. (sighs)

Can you hand me that notepad that's down-- right.

What are you working on? Thanks.

I'm doing this piece on what's gonna happen to junk bonds

now that Mike Milken's gotten out of jail.

Fuck him. I know.

You know that guy, he doesn't even wear a toupee anymore

because he realized, once he was in prison,

that you don't need hair to be attractive.

Do you want me to take you seriously?

Yes.

Okay, but I only have time to humor

one neurotic obsession right now.

I understand. Are we choosing this one?

Yes, yeah.

And the next time we'll choose one of mine?

Okay.

All right.

First of all, how can you be sure it's the same guy

that was in the office?

Come on. Who do you think it could be?

These people, they think of you as a god.

They think of you as something

way beyond an ordinary human being.

That's one of the things that's fucked

about being a celebrity.

Yeah, or living with one or having sex with one

or a relationship or whatever it is we're doing here.

Oh, you know, you should finish your article.

Yeah, I got a deadline tomorrow. I'm sorry.

But... No, I'm fine.

I'd be willing to talk to you if you want to just-- I know.

It's okay, I'll stop. Good.

I'll shut up. Okay.

I should be disciplined. Yeah, I know.

Hey. What are you doing?

Someone just ran by.

Oh, it's okay, it's Tom Hanks.

He always jogs at this time.

Tom!

Wait a minute, what would it cost

just to have the same bunker that Saddam Hussein has?

Is that expensive? It's that secure.

Ha-ha-ha.

Ha, we're gonna, uh, wire up all the windows

with an invisible filament that, if broken,

will sound an alarm at our office.

Why don't you just put those big iron bars on too,

so I can feel like I live like the Birdman of Alcatraz, huh?

Are you familiar with a book called "Helter Skelter"?

Jack, the hard sell isn't really necessary.

I'm just trying to give Mr. Sanders

the hard, cold reality of the situation.

We don't usually operate that way around here, Jack.

Where did you get this blueprint of my house, by the way?

It's on file at the assessor's office.

Readily available to any random kook out there.

I'm sure that there's an extensive application process

required to get this kind of material.

Yeah, it wasn't really that that I was concerned about.

I just can't believe that I spent the money

to have the bathroom moved from here to over here.

That was a wise decision, kiddo.

Who wants to walk that far in the middle of the night

to take a shit?

That's what I was figuring.

So, are we a go with this configuration?

Well, is this the same configuration

that Dave Letterman has?

Mr. Sanders, I'm sure you'll understand

I can't comment on that.

Just as I would not tell Mr. Letterman

about your configuration if he asked me.

I understand that.

Has he ever asked about my configuration?

Larry, would you like a brownie?

Oh, thank you, Darlene. Sure.

Beverly?

Beverly: Oh, yeah.

Mmm, coconut? Yeah.

Your mom make these?

No, a fan sent them in for you and Hank.

Why didn't you say something? What?

Who knows what could be in these?

I don't know, they didn't send the recipe.

Well, take-- take them.

Yeah, I want one.

So you want me to hire a taster for you?

No, we don't need to hire a taster.

Just have that weird intern do it.

Larry?

Hank, Jesus.

How long have you been sitting there?

A few minutes, I-- I wanted to wait for the right time.

Yeah, good choice.

Larry. What's up?

You don't understand.

I think you're being paranoid, but I--

I just want you to know, from one celebrity to another,

I know exactly how you feel.

Because it is scary out there.

But if you believe you have an obsessed fan,

I believe you have an obsessed fan.

Thanks.

What do you got?

What are you doing?

What are you doing, a fucking puppet show?

What are you-- what are you...?

Say hello to peace of mind.

What did you-- what did you...?

Is this loaded? No, no, no.

Where did you get this?

Well, let's just say I got it, okay?

Just-- enough said. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

All right. Where did you get it?

Okay, this is the original handgun... Uh-huh.

fired by Jack Lord on "Hawaii Five-O."

He gave it to me on my birthday.

See, "Jack Lord."

Wow, you must be a very big fan, is that it?

No, no, I've never actually seen it.

Don't you tell Jack if you, you know, if you bump into him.

It stays between us. Thanks. You see,

it's a solid steel cast. Mm-hmm.

It's got a groove grip.

This is the handle.

This baby is a 9-millimeter Beretta.

Apparently it's the most efficient handgun in the world.

Yeah, well, it's a beauty.

Here. No, no-no-no-no-no.

Please.

No, I have no handgun training whatsoever, Hank.

I don't think... Me neither,

but apparently you just point and squeeze.

I mean, that's what they tell me.

That's what who tells you?

Don't ask.

Artie: Oh, Larry, my boy!

Artie?

Am I interrupting?

No.

Corbin Bernsen and Phil Hartman are, as Arsenio says,

in the house.

Might want to stop and say hi before the show.

And Jack's people are putting in metal detectors

at the studio entrances.

So, Hank?

Yes, sir?

Hand it over.

This?

I'll hang onto this.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Here he comes now.

Larry?

Hey! Hey, Corbin.

How are ya? Phil, listen,

thanks for coming tonight, really appreciate it.

No problem, no problem. Larry, Larry, Larry.

What's with all the extra security?

Oh, you know, we always have a little extra security

when we have the big stars like you guys on.

(chuckles) That's why you're the king.

You loaded tonight?

Ha-ha. Just a little.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Actually, I'm just having some problems with an obsessed fan.

Oh, I'm sorry, uh, it's really scary.

I've got a ton of those.

You've got a ton of obsessive fans?

I didn't even know your show was still on the air.

Yes, Phil, in fact, we got the old producers back.

The show's getting really exciting again.

You should tune in sometime.

I will tune in.

Oh, by the way, aren't you like the only guy

on "Saturday Night Live" who doesn't have some big movie deal beast?

Come on, come on, come on, huh?

Come on, come on. We're all in the same business.

Kidding, kidding, kidding.

Everyone's career's doing fine.

All right? Okay, good.

All right, you guys have fun out there.

You know what I do? You know what I do?

The people who work for me,

have them contact the really obsessed ones

and every six months or so,

we set up a little meeting.

You're kidding. No.

No, I, uh, let 'em spend five or 10 minutes with me.

On one condition,

they leave me alone for the rest of the time.

Larry, what I like to do is have a huge slumber party

with all my obsessed fans.

We break out the sleeping bags, order pizza,

watch everything I've ever done on video,

and then spend hours and hours talking about me.

It's great. Very funny, Phil.

Seriously...

it neutralizes them.

In fact, I've got one of them with me right now.

Get out of here. I do.

The guy in the green vest.

The guy in the green...?

In the...?

I know you. Hi, how you-- how you doing?

You're a friend of Corbin's, aren't you?

Yeah.

It's nice for them.

Yeah.

I just took 10 of my fans on a Caribbean cruise.

You ever do that? No.

(laughing)

It's great to have you guys here.

Really.

All right, who's the guy with the sunglasses?

Is he an obsessed fan?

Oh, that's my manager, Marc Gurvitz.

Well, get him out of here. He scares me.

First segment, we load you up with a bunch of Hank Kingsley commemorative hand towels.

You go up into the audience,

you ask them their worst vacation...

I'm not going into the audience.

Security thing. What else you got?

(drill whirring) What--

What if we had-- (drill continues)

Do we have to pitch with that guy in here?

'Cause he's kinda throwing me off.

He's putting in all the new locks.

You know, this is really important, can't wait.

Okay.

Um, what if we had people come down from the audience

and you could put 'em on the panel...?

I just don't think the idea itself is that funny.

That's all. No, it's hilarious.

No, it isn't. Take my word for it.

You want to try it? Fred?

Fred, is it Fred? Yeah.

What is your-- what is your best vacation?

Worst vacation. Ask him again.

Worst, sorry.

What is your worst vacation?

Uh, I lost $250 in Reno.

How? Slots.

(Jerry laughs) Slots.

Okay. All right.

What about Hillary Clinton diary piece?

The whole thing is in code.

It's actually-- it's a music box.

Beverly, would you bring the, uh, alarm configuration--

Beverly: Huh?

Beverly, bring the alarm configuration in here, please.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Sorry, sorry, you guys. Sorry, sorry.

I'm with you now, man. The Bill Clinton--

Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton diary piece.

Should it be Bill Clinton diary?

He's the president of the United States. Yeah, I know.

That's not this joke. Well...

Maybe we should come back a little later?

Would that be...?

I'm-- oh. I see what you're--

you think I'm overreacting

to this whole security thing, don't you?

That's what it is. That's 'cause you're not on TV every night.

You don't know what it feels like.

You're not out there having tour buses go by your house

with fuckin' psychos coming in to smell your clothes, so...

We didn't say anything.

No, you're insinuating my concentration is fucked.

If I'm not mistaken.

So Bill Clinton's diary...

I can't-- I can't think about that right now.

Beverly: Larry?

Larry, Francine just called.

The security people caught somebody in your house.

Here. You're kidding.

Yeah.

Is she okay?

She sounded a little shaken, but she's fine.

Everything's all right? Yeah, she's fine.

What do you two assholes have to say now?

(crowd chatter)

Francine: No, I don't live here.

See, I just started seeing my ex-husband again.

And I always end up staying over here.

I don't know why, but consequently,

I always end up leaving for work from here,

which is a pain in the ass because my apartment is

right next to my job.

Are you okay? Oh, Larry.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm-- I'm fine. What happened?

I was standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth

and I heard this noise coming from...

Oh, I told you there was a sound,

and you didn't believe me.

Just tell him to get rid of that guy.

All right, I'll take care of this.

Look, I'm sorry about this.

Yeah, that's okay, these things happen.

Listen, I want to talk to him for a couple minutes

on my own, all right? Why?

You haven't been on a celebrity stalking case before, have you?

Uh...

the main thing that I wanted to say to you is that, uh,

I'm a fan, too, you know?

I was a big fan of Jerry Lewis,

uh, even before the telethon.

I know you're probably thinking, how could I like

somebody who was so broad at the time?

But, you know, I thought "The Nutty Professor"--

I don't know.

Well, that's neither here nor there.

The main thing is, is that...

I appreciate every fan and I'm human being, too.

And I want you to know

that if you ever want to come and talk to me

or see me,

instead of coming to my home,

you can call Beverly down at my office,

and she'll arrange for you to spend a few minutes

talking to me whenever I can squeeze it in.

Okay, how does that sound?

(speaking Spanish)

Excuse me.

Does he speak, uh, any English at all?

None. No, no, he's from Guatemala.

He's only been in the country

for about, uh, about four weeks.

So he basically has no idea who I am?

No, he doesn't. Yeah.

No, uh...

no, this guy has broken into several homes

around here the last few days,

and, uh, you know, random thievery.

Probably needs money to bring his family over.

How about that? Yeah.

So, uh, you have anything else you want to say to him?

I don't think so. No.

Excuse me. Not that I can think of.

(speaking Spanish)

Thank you. You're welcome.

You know, I really feel like an idiot.

Oh, you're not an idiot. Yeah, well...

Look, everybody gets paranoid nowadays.

That's okay.

I don't think I was being paranoid, you know.

No.

Is that-- that's the tour bus.

We should really go in. Oh, God, yes.

Larry, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I wish you had that fucking electrical fence.

What happened?

That obsessed fan broke into Larry's house.

Oh, my God.

If you only had the electrical fence,

all you'd have to do now is unplug it and hose it down.

Phil: Would you like some monologue jokes about this?

Jerry: No, that's just what they want, isn't it?

Did you talk to him? Yep.

And?

And, uh...

he was a, you know, mixed-up guy

who, uh, absolutely just, uh,

understood that we're both human beings,

and I don't think he'll be trouble anymore.

All right? Come on, don't we have a show to do?

Hey, hey, are you really okay?

Yeah.

'Cause I-- I got to tell ya,

it-- it's fuckin' scary out there.

I mean, I-- I mean,

if you have a demented fan,

I have a demented fan.

These people watch this show.

They-- they-- they see me half the time.

Should I get a bodyguard?

I mean, I have a gun,

but Artie won't let me bring it to the studio anymore.

I mean, maybe-- Hank, listen to me.

It was a completely random burglar, okay?

The guy had no fucking idea who I was, no clue whatsoever.

He had no idea who you were?

None.

My God, I'm sorry.

Beverly: Larry?

Un momento.

Larry, did you tell some guy named Javier

that he could come down to the office

and see you tomorrow? Yeah.

Yeah, would you get Corbin Bernsen on the phone?

♪ ♪