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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,333 --> 00:00:15,325 Larry will be out in one minute. 2 00:00:15,403 --> 00:00:17,803 You folks see that flashing sign up there? 3 00:00:17,872 --> 00:00:21,308 Now, that sign says "applesauce." 4 00:00:21,375 --> 00:00:25,505 No, no, no, I'm kidding. It says "applause." 5 00:00:25,580 --> 00:00:28,276 Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once? 6 00:00:29,584 --> 00:00:30,846 All right. 7 00:00:30,918 --> 00:00:34,217 Now, remember.' You're all a big part of the show... 8 00:00:34,288 --> 00:00:37,382 so the better you are, the better Larry is. 9 00:00:37,458 --> 00:00:40,655 Okay, you see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign. 10 00:00:40,728 --> 00:00:45,825 It says, "We're on in ten seconds," so get ready to have a good time. 11 00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:49,097 All right, here we go. This is exciting, isn't it? 12 00:00:50,471 --> 00:00:54,407 In five, four, three, two... 13 00:01:03,251 --> 00:01:06,709 Live, on tape from Hollywood, the Larry Sanders Show. 14 00:01:06,787 --> 00:01:09,915 Tonight, join Larry and his guests, Jon Lovitz... 15 00:01:09,991 --> 00:01:14,985 Lyle Lovett, Steve Duchesne and me, "Hey, Now" Hank Kingsley. 16 00:01:15,062 --> 00:01:17,428 And now, because we've tried it with just the desk... 17 00:01:17,498 --> 00:01:19,830 and it really isn't the same... 18 00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:22,835 Larry Sanders! 19 00:01:33,714 --> 00:01:35,648 Thank you. 20 00:01:41,555 --> 00:01:43,955 Thank you very much. 21 00:01:44,025 --> 00:01:48,428 Welcome, welcome. Thanks again for tuning in tonight. 22 00:01:48,496 --> 00:01:52,592 You are a great crowd. Was it hot enough here in Los Angeles for you? 23 00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:56,660 It was about... I live in the Valley. It was about 110. 24 00:01:56,737 --> 00:02:00,229 I don't know. My dog ran by and burst into flames... 25 00:02:00,308 --> 00:02:02,742 and rolled to put himself out 'cause he read the pamphlets... 26 00:02:02,810 --> 00:02:04,402 they pass out to dogs. 27 00:02:05,646 --> 00:02:09,138 A new government study announced today... I don't know if you saw it... 28 00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,946 that a vasectomy, which, by the way, I have never gotten... 29 00:02:12,019 --> 00:02:14,920 because who wants to be in a cast for six weeks? 30 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:19,454 And then, you know, everybody wants to sign it. It's embarrassing. 31 00:02:20,895 --> 00:02:24,456 A vasectomy is supposed to lower your risk... 32 00:02:24,532 --> 00:02:27,160 of actually transmitting sexual diseases. 33 00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,794 The next option is a bad haircut. 34 00:02:32,173 --> 00:02:36,906 Also, yesterday, Christie's, the auction house in New York, auctioned off... 35 00:02:36,977 --> 00:02:41,311 this is absolutely true... a 150-year-old condom... 36 00:02:41,382 --> 00:02:44,010 and it was bought by a man... 37 00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:47,748 who paid $6,300... 38 00:02:47,822 --> 00:02:49,915 but was still so embarrassed he also bought... 39 00:02:49,990 --> 00:02:53,391 an $8,000 toothpaste tube... 40 00:02:53,461 --> 00:02:55,895 and $5,000 pack of razor blades. 41 00:02:57,465 --> 00:03:01,765 We haveJon Lovitz, Lyle Lovett and Steve Duchesne. 42 00:03:01,836 --> 00:03:05,169 Don't flip around. We'll be right back. Do not flip around. 43 00:03:08,008 --> 00:03:10,272 You're well-padded, so I think it'll be all right. 44 00:03:10,344 --> 00:03:13,802 I am exceptionally well-padded and insured. 45 00:03:13,881 --> 00:03:18,045 So, let's get down to this. I'm a big hockey fan, and this is kind of... 46 00:03:18,119 --> 00:03:22,021 - Want me to help you? - Yet I've never ever played hockey. 47 00:03:22,089 --> 00:03:25,490 Now, you wouldn't know that to look at me, though. 48 00:03:25,559 --> 00:03:27,584 I grew up in... Okay, here we go. 49 00:03:27,661 --> 00:03:30,562 - Would you like to help me with that? - Watch your head. 50 00:03:30,631 --> 00:03:33,293 Now... thank you. 51 00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:37,201 This is actually the same outfit you wear to drive in L.A. 52 00:03:44,645 --> 00:03:47,944 Put your glove out. There you go, just like that. 53 00:03:48,015 --> 00:03:50,950 All right? No, you're puttin' me on. 54 00:03:51,018 --> 00:03:52,280 There you go. 55 00:03:59,627 --> 00:04:03,290 The audience loved it. Just great. Props. 56 00:04:03,364 --> 00:04:05,798 I'll take the cup off by myself. 57 00:04:11,572 --> 00:04:13,005 - About tomorrow's show... - Yeah? 58 00:04:13,073 --> 00:04:14,540 Carol Burnett called. 59 00:04:14,608 --> 00:04:17,202 Her writers have come up with a cunning little sketch for you two. 60 00:04:17,278 --> 00:04:19,974 Great. I always wanted to do a sketch with Carol Burnett. 61 00:04:20,047 --> 00:04:23,813 - And a sketch you will do. - Good. That's great. 62 00:04:23,884 --> 00:04:25,818 - Need some help there? - No, I got it. 63 00:04:28,055 --> 00:04:30,546 And we've scheduled the bug man. 64 00:04:30,624 --> 00:04:32,649 What kind of bugs is he bringing? 65 00:04:32,726 --> 00:04:35,092 - He's only bringing two spiders. - What? 66 00:04:35,162 --> 00:04:37,653 - Two spiders. - Spiders? 67 00:04:37,731 --> 00:04:40,996 He calls it "the tarantula arm races." 68 00:04:41,068 --> 00:04:44,834 He takes a dead fly, puts it on your head, comme ca... 69 00:04:44,905 --> 00:04:49,239 then he puts spiders on each arm. 70 00:04:49,310 --> 00:04:50,743 Yeah? 71 00:04:50,811 --> 00:04:54,907 Sit very still while the spiders race up to your head. 72 00:04:57,117 --> 00:04:59,677 - Give it to me again. - A dead fly... 73 00:04:59,753 --> 00:05:02,017 - on head, comme ca. - Yeah? 74 00:05:02,089 --> 00:05:04,353 - Sit very still. - Uh-huh? 75 00:05:04,425 --> 00:05:07,952 Spiders, race, arms, head. 76 00:05:08,028 --> 00:05:11,088 - One more time. - Dead fly, comme ca, spiders... 77 00:05:11,165 --> 00:05:12,757 I'm not so sure about this. 78 00:05:12,833 --> 00:05:14,300 - Come on. - What? 79 00:05:14,368 --> 00:05:17,132 Two minutes ago, you were willing to take a puck to the nuts. 80 00:05:17,204 --> 00:05:19,331 Now you're crying over a couple of bugs. 81 00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:21,374 - I'm not crying over it. - You don't wanna do it. 82 00:05:21,442 --> 00:05:25,242 - I didn't say that. - Come on. Come on, Larry. 83 00:05:25,312 --> 00:05:27,143 This is a show biz tradition. 84 00:05:27,214 --> 00:05:31,742 Gigantic fuzzy insects crawling on your body, lions crapping in your lap. 85 00:05:31,819 --> 00:05:34,219 It's great television. You'll be hilarious doing this. 86 00:05:34,288 --> 00:05:37,348 - I'll think about it. - Huge laughs. 87 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,949 - I gotta go. - Huge laughs. 88 00:05:40,027 --> 00:05:42,962 - I gotta go. - Huge, rolling-in-the-aisle laughs. 89 00:05:45,132 --> 00:05:47,566 - All right, I'll do it. - Good. 90 00:05:47,635 --> 00:05:50,570 Get outta here, you big, successful talk show host. 91 00:05:53,941 --> 00:05:56,808 Where you going, Larry? 92 00:05:56,877 --> 00:05:58,811 Will you stop with the spiders already? 93 00:05:58,879 --> 00:06:01,313 Do you think they're gonna go on your show and crawl up your arm... 94 00:06:01,382 --> 00:06:03,509 then bite your eyes so you go blind? 95 00:06:03,584 --> 00:06:05,848 Then they're gonna crawl on you and lay eggs, right? Hatch... 96 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:10,380 build like this big Santa Fe style Spanish adobe house there. 97 00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,357 Then you'll be jealous because you can't live there, right? 98 00:06:12,426 --> 00:06:15,156 Then you'll probably wanna go to therapy and talk about it for a year... 99 00:06:15,229 --> 00:06:17,197 about why he can't move into his own head. 100 00:06:17,264 --> 00:06:20,062 By the time you figure it out, those spiders'll have eaten your brain out... 101 00:06:20,134 --> 00:06:22,796 and there'll be nothing left and what's the point? 102 00:06:22,870 --> 00:06:25,634 - You want another espresso? - No, please. 103 00:06:27,708 --> 00:06:29,835 You don't relate to the spider thing because you've never had anything... 104 00:06:29,910 --> 00:06:31,969 big and hairy crawling all over you, have you? 105 00:06:34,582 --> 00:06:37,415 The night is young. Ow! 106 00:06:39,753 --> 00:06:41,687 Thanks for dinner. I'll pay for it next time. 107 00:06:41,755 --> 00:06:44,246 - Funny. - Listen, all kidding aside... 108 00:06:44,325 --> 00:06:46,293 don't worry about those tarantulas, all right? 109 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,794 They're just the deadliest spider known to man. 110 00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:52,798 - Oh, you're such a jerk. - Yeah, I'm jerking my way to the bank. 111 00:06:52,866 --> 00:06:57,394 Watch your step. I mean careerwise. That was fun. 112 00:06:57,471 --> 00:06:59,871 Honey, I didn't get a word in edgewise all night. 113 00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:02,170 All I said was, "No more coffee." 114 00:07:02,242 --> 00:07:04,608 Yeah, why did you just interrupt us like that? 115 00:07:04,678 --> 00:07:07,203 We were right in the middle of a big roll. 116 00:07:07,281 --> 00:07:11,809 Honey, you know, this is really not my idea of a fun time... 117 00:07:11,885 --> 00:07:13,944 having a comedy club in my own home. 118 00:07:14,021 --> 00:07:16,546 Are you saying that 'cause you watered down the drinks? 119 00:07:16,624 --> 00:07:18,057 - Funny, honey. - That's what... 120 00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:20,150 Come on, we gotta go see Lovitz on the show. 121 00:07:20,227 --> 00:07:24,391 Honey, I don't want to watch Lovitz on the show. 122 00:07:24,465 --> 00:07:28,265 Geez, I hope one of those spiders bites you tomorrow night. 123 00:07:30,337 --> 00:07:32,532 Now you're hurting me. 124 00:07:32,606 --> 00:07:35,803 Why are you hurting me? You know that I'm afraid of spiders. 125 00:07:35,876 --> 00:07:38,344 Yeah, then why are you doing this stupid spider stunt on your show? 126 00:07:38,412 --> 00:07:40,846 I'll tell you why. Because you guys will do anything for a laugh. 127 00:07:40,914 --> 00:07:43,678 - That is not true. - Yes, it is. Then why are you doing it? 128 00:07:43,751 --> 00:07:45,184 Because it'll be funny. 129 00:07:45,252 --> 00:07:49,018 You are so amazingly impossible. 130 00:07:49,089 --> 00:07:52,820 I'm sorry. It's just that I get... When I get frightened, I babble. Sorry. 131 00:07:52,893 --> 00:07:54,827 You don't have to do this. 132 00:07:54,895 --> 00:07:57,056 If you don't want to do it, it's your show, you don't have to. 133 00:07:57,131 --> 00:08:00,965 It's more than just my show. I should do it for myself. 134 00:08:01,035 --> 00:08:02,627 - It's pretty silly. - Okay, all right. 135 00:08:02,703 --> 00:08:04,193 Let me get this straight. 136 00:08:04,271 --> 00:08:07,331 You're willing to confront your fears if it's in front of 20 million people... 137 00:08:07,408 --> 00:08:08,841 - and for a laugh? - Okay. 138 00:08:08,909 --> 00:08:13,744 So, can we start a family if I have the baby at the Greek Theater? Huh? 139 00:08:16,650 --> 00:08:20,245 - It's a sock. - But in the shape of a spider, honey. 140 00:08:26,093 --> 00:08:28,027 You have rehearsal with Carol Burnett in five minutes. 141 00:08:28,095 --> 00:08:30,723 I have the proofs to the new publicity shots. 142 00:08:30,798 --> 00:08:33,562 - Wanna look at 'em now or later? - No, later. 143 00:08:33,634 --> 00:08:36,569 Well, I'll look at them now. You know what? Later. Okay. 144 00:08:38,172 --> 00:08:40,902 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 145 00:08:42,176 --> 00:08:43,768 Are you afraid of anything? 146 00:08:45,112 --> 00:08:47,080 Intimacy. 147 00:08:47,147 --> 00:08:49,843 Anything more you wanna tell me? 148 00:08:51,785 --> 00:08:53,275 Okay, thanks, you've been a big help. 149 00:08:53,353 --> 00:08:56,550 - I'm also deathly afraid of flying. - Really? 150 00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,420 - Yeah. - Now how do you overcome it? 151 00:08:58,492 --> 00:09:02,553 - Tranquilizers. - You're kidding. 152 00:09:03,464 --> 00:09:04,590 You have any? 153 00:09:06,967 --> 00:09:09,197 You have a rehearsal with Carol in three minutes. 154 00:09:09,269 --> 00:09:11,703 Now come on. What... What were they? Xanaxes? 155 00:09:11,772 --> 00:09:14,036 Valiums? Halcyons? 156 00:09:14,108 --> 00:09:16,269 You... two minutes with Carol. 157 00:09:16,343 --> 00:09:18,208 Were they Ludes? Soapers? 158 00:09:18,278 --> 00:09:20,405 - What were they? - Now you got one. 159 00:09:20,481 --> 00:09:22,449 Were they reds? 160 00:09:24,451 --> 00:09:29,115 Everybody, once more from the top. Let's start with Larry's entrance. And... 161 00:09:36,630 --> 00:09:39,758 Shit. Me Tarzan, you Jane. 162 00:09:39,833 --> 00:09:42,267 That's Ms. Jane to you. 163 00:09:45,272 --> 00:09:48,139 - It's your line, Larry. - I'm sorry. Sorry. 164 00:09:48,208 --> 00:09:50,972 - You okay? Here. - Where? 165 00:09:51,044 --> 00:09:53,239 Yeah, I'm okay. Just have some other things on my mind. Okay. 166 00:09:53,313 --> 00:09:56,077 - You wanna go back? - No, let's go. Can I have the coconut? 167 00:09:56,150 --> 00:09:58,084 Let's go where we were. 168 00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:01,981 "Would you like some coconut juice?" 169 00:10:02,055 --> 00:10:05,923 Let's see how that would sound in character. 170 00:10:07,060 --> 00:10:08,994 Mmm, would you like some coco... 171 00:10:09,062 --> 00:10:11,121 Ooh, pubic hair on my coconut. 172 00:10:11,198 --> 00:10:15,328 That's it. Sexual harassment. Where is my lawyer? 173 00:10:22,242 --> 00:10:24,176 Nairobi and Meyers. On behalf of my client... 174 00:10:24,244 --> 00:10:26,906 we are filing charges of sexual misconduct against you. 175 00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:28,971 This is a restraining order. 176 00:10:29,049 --> 00:10:31,677 You shall not come within 500 yards of my client. 177 00:10:33,253 --> 00:10:35,084 I don't know where we are. 178 00:10:35,155 --> 00:10:37,680 Are we doing this sketch before the spiders or after them? 179 00:10:37,758 --> 00:10:41,125 - I don't know. - Oh, God, I just saw them... 180 00:10:41,195 --> 00:10:42,628 backstage. 181 00:10:42,696 --> 00:10:45,722 The spiders... they're huge. 182 00:10:45,799 --> 00:10:50,259 They look like big, hairy potatoes with legs in 'em. I'm gonna have dreams. 183 00:10:50,337 --> 00:10:51,668 Excuse me one second, huh? 184 00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:55,875 - Arty. - Hilarious so far. 185 00:10:55,943 --> 00:10:58,468 Carol said that the spiders are the size of fucking potatoes. 186 00:10:58,545 --> 00:11:01,139 I'm sure Carol never used the word "fucking." 187 00:11:01,215 --> 00:11:03,445 I'm no good at slapstick comedy to begin with. 188 00:11:03,517 --> 00:11:05,109 You're brilliant. Did you hear me laughing? 189 00:11:05,185 --> 00:11:07,415 No, I did not hear you laughing... 190 00:11:07,487 --> 00:11:11,719 and I'm so concerned about these spiders I can't even concentrate. 191 00:11:11,792 --> 00:11:13,589 - I'm all over the place. - I can understand that. 192 00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:17,619 My kids always loved rolly-coasters, but I'd never get on one. 193 00:11:17,698 --> 00:11:19,632 - They're roller coasters. - Call it what you like. 194 00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,497 I'd never get on the damn thing. 195 00:11:21,568 --> 00:11:25,504 God, this guy is all over the place. 196 00:11:25,572 --> 00:11:28,132 He doesn't know what he's doing. His timing's a mess. 197 00:11:28,208 --> 00:11:31,041 - He was all over the place. - All over the place. 198 00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:36,845 That voice, did you hear that Tarzan voice? What was that? 199 00:11:36,917 --> 00:11:40,216 I think he's trying out a new Lebanese thing. 200 00:11:40,287 --> 00:11:43,154 You want out of this? You want to get out of this? 201 00:11:43,223 --> 00:11:45,282 They'll give a talk show to anybody these days. 202 00:11:45,359 --> 00:11:47,088 Roller coasters. 203 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:51,062 - Merry-go-round. Rolly-coaster. - Ro... 204 00:11:51,131 --> 00:11:53,656 You know, talking to you is like talking to you. 205 00:11:53,734 --> 00:11:55,929 I can't go on with this spider thing, Arty. 206 00:11:56,003 --> 00:11:58,369 Listen, consider it canceled. 207 00:11:59,439 --> 00:12:03,375 - There must be something else we can do. - Then something else we shall do. 208 00:12:05,012 --> 00:12:08,641 - Hank, me boy, how goes it? - Hey. 209 00:12:08,715 --> 00:12:11,548 Let me guess. This is Quick Light Briquets, is it? 210 00:12:11,618 --> 00:12:16,385 Yes, it is. The fastest light in the West. Fire 'em up, partner. 211 00:12:16,456 --> 00:12:19,550 - Hank, let me bounce something off you. - Bounce away. 212 00:12:19,626 --> 00:12:22,493 How would you like to do the spider stunt tonight? 213 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,233 Are you kidding? 214 00:12:31,171 --> 00:12:35,267 Stunts are Larry's territory. Hank Kingsley shalt not trespass. 215 00:12:35,342 --> 00:12:39,073 There's no problem. Larry himself wants you to handle this stunt. 216 00:12:39,146 --> 00:12:41,706 - He said this? - Just moments ago. 217 00:12:41,782 --> 00:12:44,216 - Could you... - Thank you, Kelly. 218 00:12:46,486 --> 00:12:50,320 This isn't happening because Larry knows I'm unhappy, is it? 219 00:12:52,059 --> 00:12:53,526 You're unhappy? 220 00:12:53,593 --> 00:12:55,356 Oh, no, not at all. 221 00:12:55,429 --> 00:12:59,092 I'm always looking for opportunities to showcase my versatility. 222 00:12:59,166 --> 00:13:03,603 Not that I've made a stink about it, because I am not... 223 00:13:03,670 --> 00:13:05,331 a squeaky wheel, you know that. 224 00:13:05,405 --> 00:13:07,498 It has nothing to do with you, Hank. 225 00:13:07,574 --> 00:13:12,978 Larry's decision was motivated purely by other factors. 226 00:13:13,046 --> 00:13:15,071 I hear ya, I hear ya. 227 00:13:16,717 --> 00:13:21,245 I am very happy to do this. I'm very happy to do this. 228 00:13:21,321 --> 00:13:25,052 Good. Hey, you're pleased, I'm pleased. 229 00:13:25,125 --> 00:13:27,059 Larry will be very pleased. 230 00:13:27,127 --> 00:13:29,186 - Thanks, pal. - Thank you. 231 00:13:31,398 --> 00:13:33,491 The hat? 232 00:13:38,005 --> 00:13:40,439 - Carol wants to cancel the sketch. - Why? 233 00:13:40,507 --> 00:13:44,375 - Because she thinks it sucks. - She's right. Cancel it. 234 00:13:44,444 --> 00:13:46,309 Okay. 235 00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:50,749 Between you and me, I'm relieved. I looked like an idiot in that loincloth. 236 00:13:50,817 --> 00:13:53,547 Between you and me, I think I saw your balls at one point. 237 00:13:53,620 --> 00:13:56,020 That's the only laugh I got, I think. 238 00:13:56,089 --> 00:13:58,421 I'm not good at that broad physical comedy at all. 239 00:13:58,492 --> 00:14:01,484 - You're great. - No, I'm not. Carol, she's good. 240 00:14:01,561 --> 00:14:03,188 She's a pro. 241 00:14:05,632 --> 00:14:07,566 Did you really see my balls? 242 00:14:12,706 --> 00:14:15,834 - Hank would like to speak with you. - For God's sakes, come in. 243 00:14:17,244 --> 00:14:20,839 I'm sorry. If you and Darlene are talking, I can always come back. 244 00:14:20,914 --> 00:14:23,144 I am not talking to her. Come in. 245 00:14:23,216 --> 00:14:25,411 - Darlene. - Tell him why you were here. 246 00:14:25,485 --> 00:14:27,919 I don't remember. 247 00:14:31,091 --> 00:14:36,791 - What can I do for you? - Well, I just wanted to stop by and... 248 00:14:38,565 --> 00:14:40,089 What is this? 249 00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:43,330 That's my cup from the hockey segment. 250 00:14:46,540 --> 00:14:51,534 I just wanted to stop by and thank you for your trust and your confidence... 251 00:14:51,611 --> 00:14:54,205 in giving a pal his moment in the sun. 252 00:14:54,281 --> 00:14:57,114 - I'm not gonna let you down. - Hank, you shouldn't be thanking me. 253 00:14:57,184 --> 00:14:59,744 No, I have got to thank you. 254 00:14:59,820 --> 00:15:01,617 It comes from here... 255 00:15:02,522 --> 00:15:04,114 my heart. 256 00:15:04,191 --> 00:15:06,091 - In all honesty... - Honesty? 257 00:15:06,159 --> 00:15:10,357 Honesty? Hey, that's what I'm about. 258 00:15:11,865 --> 00:15:16,859 The reason that I want you to do this instead of me is... 259 00:15:16,937 --> 00:15:19,735 because I'm afraid... 260 00:15:19,806 --> 00:15:23,503 of you not getting to do enough on the show... 261 00:15:23,577 --> 00:15:25,511 and you not getting to express... 262 00:15:25,579 --> 00:15:29,015 your unique creativity and flair. 263 00:15:31,485 --> 00:15:33,419 A little uncomfortable right now, but... 264 00:15:34,888 --> 00:15:37,755 My God... 265 00:15:37,824 --> 00:15:39,587 you're a good man. 266 00:15:41,561 --> 00:15:43,153 Come on. 267 00:15:51,538 --> 00:15:52,971 Hank, please. 268 00:15:54,608 --> 00:15:56,041 Hank, please. 269 00:16:11,625 --> 00:16:15,356 Could you take your top off? I'm begging you. Could you? 270 00:16:15,428 --> 00:16:17,658 - She wants both of us. - Tremendous. 271 00:16:17,731 --> 00:16:19,665 - Hey, now. - Hey, now. 272 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,500 Listen... 273 00:16:24,271 --> 00:16:29,766 I thought I should tell you guys I'm doing the spider thing tonight. 274 00:16:32,145 --> 00:16:36,081 Anyway, I know we got a show in about an hour... 275 00:16:36,149 --> 00:16:38,879 but if you've written some, you know, some funny stuff... 276 00:16:38,952 --> 00:16:40,886 for Larry with the spiders... 277 00:16:40,954 --> 00:16:44,822 well, maybe you could put a different crank on it. 278 00:16:44,891 --> 00:16:46,984 You know, make it more my style. 279 00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:48,994 Yeah, we'll get right on that. 280 00:16:56,803 --> 00:16:58,395 - Commissary? - What's the soup today? 281 00:16:58,471 --> 00:16:59,631 Pink chowder. 282 00:17:01,007 --> 00:17:03,703 Well, what we would do is, we would take your hand... 283 00:17:03,777 --> 00:17:05,369 - and we'd roll up your sleeve... - Right. 284 00:17:05,445 --> 00:17:07,913 And we'd place him on your arm. 285 00:17:07,981 --> 00:17:10,347 - And the trick is... - There's no trick. 286 00:17:10,417 --> 00:17:13,318 Just try to hold your arm still and not make any sudden movements. 287 00:17:13,386 --> 00:17:15,217 Okay. 288 00:17:15,288 --> 00:17:17,756 Now, I won't get bitten? 289 00:17:17,824 --> 00:17:20,691 I carry a spider anti-venom kit on my person at all times. 290 00:17:23,730 --> 00:17:25,163 Where is that? 291 00:17:25,232 --> 00:17:28,065 - I didn't bring it with me today. - Now, that's not a... 292 00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,624 No, it's... Don't worry. 293 00:17:29,703 --> 00:17:32,171 - Okay? - What is it? 294 00:17:32,239 --> 00:17:35,834 It's a burn. I burned myself on the iron. 295 00:17:38,311 --> 00:17:41,678 - I'm not gonna get bitten? - Absolutely not... 296 00:17:41,748 --> 00:17:44,615 but if you should get bitten, it'll only hurt for a second... 297 00:17:44,684 --> 00:17:46,709 unless you're allergic to spider bites. 298 00:17:47,854 --> 00:17:50,618 Okay, so, how would I know if I were allergic? 299 00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:53,591 Well, you'd go to a doctor and have yourself checked. 300 00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:56,959 And if I, you know, if I were allergic, let's say, what... 301 00:17:57,030 --> 00:17:59,555 I mean, what could happen? 302 00:17:59,633 --> 00:18:01,658 Oh, my. 303 00:18:01,735 --> 00:18:04,363 So was I wrong? Hank really wanted to do the spider thing. 304 00:18:04,437 --> 00:18:06,803 What am I gonna say to him? No? No, you're not good enough? 305 00:18:06,873 --> 00:18:09,865 No, I'm better at it than you? 306 00:18:09,943 --> 00:18:12,104 Exactly. 307 00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:16,046 You know, the audience would rather see me do it, I think. Wouldn't they? 308 00:18:16,116 --> 00:18:20,883 I hear you, I hear you. It's a very tough decision, very tough. 309 00:18:20,954 --> 00:18:23,548 It's not easy being on this side of the cue cards. 310 00:18:24,724 --> 00:18:29,252 I'll show you. Look. How's this? How does this feel? 311 00:18:29,329 --> 00:18:30,762 Welcome back. 312 00:18:34,401 --> 00:18:35,834 Now, Carol... 313 00:18:37,404 --> 00:18:39,736 before we move on... 314 00:18:39,806 --> 00:18:41,740 - Yes? - To our next guest... 315 00:18:41,808 --> 00:18:46,609 talk to me about the signal that you used to do, or that you still... 316 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,274 - The ear pulling, yeah. - The ear thing at the end of a show. 317 00:18:49,349 --> 00:18:53,183 That was a signal to my grandmother who raised me. 318 00:18:53,253 --> 00:18:56,120 - It meant, " Hi, I'm fine. - Right. 319 00:18:56,189 --> 00:18:57,986 Your check is on the way." 320 00:18:59,392 --> 00:19:01,189 - And was it always the same ear? - It was this ear. 321 00:19:01,261 --> 00:19:04,321 In fact, many moons ago... 322 00:19:04,397 --> 00:19:07,161 somebody... some journalist measured this ear lobe... 323 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:09,428 and it is a quarter of an inch longer than... 324 00:19:10,270 --> 00:19:13,603 Wow. You actually have to get earmuffs at a specialty shop? 325 00:19:15,408 --> 00:19:17,342 - I'm delightful, aren't I? - Yes. 326 00:19:17,410 --> 00:19:22,575 We'll be right back with spider expert, Steve Kutcher, and Carol Burnett. 327 00:19:22,649 --> 00:19:24,879 Don't go away. We'll be right back. 328 00:19:35,128 --> 00:19:36,561 Clear. 329 00:20:03,823 --> 00:20:06,792 You know, I really loved rehearsing that sketch. 330 00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:09,488 - Sorry we couldn't get... squeeze it in. - I am too. 331 00:20:09,562 --> 00:20:12,087 You're wonderful at physical comedy. 332 00:20:12,165 --> 00:20:14,133 You know, I love doing broad, physical comedy. 333 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,134 - You're great at it. - You are great. 334 00:20:16,202 --> 00:20:18,136 - I wish we could've done it. - Me too. 335 00:20:18,204 --> 00:20:19,637 - Yeah, I love it. - Me too. 336 00:20:19,706 --> 00:20:23,267 Maybe you'll come back another time, we can do it? 337 00:20:23,343 --> 00:20:26,210 Well, I'll have to check my schedule. 338 00:20:26,279 --> 00:20:29,942 Well, sure, sure. Try and work it in. 339 00:20:31,384 --> 00:20:34,046 But if I do, if we do do it... 340 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:38,682 maybe you could talk to costumes about getting you a longer loincloth. 341 00:20:42,128 --> 00:20:44,062 I saw your balls. 342 00:20:44,130 --> 00:20:46,064 What? 343 00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:49,801 I saw your balls. 344 00:20:57,977 --> 00:21:00,810 Hank, are you all right? A little mop up. 345 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:04,748 Listen, this Steve, this spider guy... please... 346 00:21:04,818 --> 00:21:07,150 This spider guy, is... is he on the up and up? 347 00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:10,155 Don't worry about it, Hank. The spiders are real. 348 00:21:10,223 --> 00:21:13,420 I mean, he had some concern about an allergic reaction. 349 00:21:13,493 --> 00:21:15,927 Five, four, three... 350 00:21:18,264 --> 00:21:22,360 Welcome back. We're back with Carol Burnett... 351 00:21:23,436 --> 00:21:27,167 and my next guest... 352 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:31,506 my next guest was the chief spider wrangler for the movie Arachnophobia. 353 00:21:31,578 --> 00:21:33,512 He's brought some friends along with him. 354 00:21:33,580 --> 00:21:37,072 Please welcome spider expert, Steve Kutcher. 355 00:21:42,755 --> 00:21:44,188 How are ya? 356 00:21:46,926 --> 00:21:49,360 Well, Steve, I see you brought your lunch with you. 357 00:21:51,297 --> 00:21:53,458 - So, Steve, nice to see you. - Hi. 358 00:21:53,533 --> 00:21:57,367 I didn't see the movie... 359 00:21:57,437 --> 00:22:00,372 but these are tarantulas, are they? 360 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,637 Yeah, these are some of my tarantulas used in Arachnophobia. 361 00:22:03,710 --> 00:22:07,305 And where do they... where are they from? Where do they come from? 362 00:22:07,380 --> 00:22:10,213 They're found in the tropical regions, in desert regions of the world. 363 00:22:10,283 --> 00:22:13,650 You're wrong right there. They're clearly found in plastic boxes. 364 00:22:15,955 --> 00:22:20,619 I see. I brought some of my special... the best spiders I have here. 365 00:22:20,693 --> 00:22:24,754 Well, let's take a look and see what you got. 366 00:22:24,831 --> 00:22:26,492 Mind if I opened up the lid on this one? 367 00:22:26,566 --> 00:22:31,367 No, I've never complained about anyone opening up a lid of anything. 368 00:22:33,806 --> 00:22:37,264 What can we do with this one here? 369 00:22:37,343 --> 00:22:42,645 I can actually demonstrate how you can control them crawling up a person's arm. 370 00:22:42,715 --> 00:22:45,479 - Is that right? - Yeah. 371 00:22:45,552 --> 00:22:48,749 Now, when you say "a person," you mean, therein, a human being? 372 00:22:48,821 --> 00:22:50,721 Right. Like you. 373 00:22:51,925 --> 00:22:54,223 Wrong. 374 00:22:54,294 --> 00:22:57,661 You mean like Hank. We could put that thing on Hank. 375 00:22:59,666 --> 00:23:01,099 Wrong. 376 00:23:02,368 --> 00:23:06,998 Come on, don't you folks wanna see Hank put that on his... 377 00:23:12,845 --> 00:23:16,542 Now tell the truth... wouldn't you rather see Larry? 378 00:23:16,616 --> 00:23:18,049 Yeah! 379 00:23:25,558 --> 00:23:29,494 If you guys are too chicken, I'll do it. 380 00:23:34,634 --> 00:23:38,092 All right, then, I am not a chicken. I will go ahead. 381 00:23:38,171 --> 00:23:41,106 I will put the spider on my arm: 382 00:23:41,174 --> 00:23:43,404 What do l... What do I do here? 383 00:23:43,476 --> 00:23:45,740 Maybe you could take off your jacket and come up. 384 00:23:45,812 --> 00:23:48,246 - Maybe Carol, would you like to? - Sure. 385 00:23:50,283 --> 00:23:51,716 All right. 386 00:23:52,785 --> 00:23:55,982 And Carol, you thought I was... 387 00:23:56,055 --> 00:23:59,547 - I thought you were "yeller." - And you were "mistakener." 388 00:23:59,626 --> 00:24:05,121 Now, if you could hold your arm out like this. 389 00:24:05,198 --> 00:24:07,996 You can do it. Can he do it, audience? 390 00:24:12,472 --> 00:24:14,099 I can do this. All right. 391 00:24:14,173 --> 00:24:16,664 Here we go. 392 00:24:16,743 --> 00:24:20,270 Which movies was he in? All right. Now, okay... 393 00:24:20,346 --> 00:24:25,443 Why don't you... l-I am going to look this way. 394 00:24:25,518 --> 00:24:27,816 You go ahead. Will I feel the... 395 00:24:28,888 --> 00:24:30,981 Oh, my God! 396 00:24:31,057 --> 00:24:33,491 - Are you gonna put this on me? - Yes. 397 00:24:35,128 --> 00:24:38,063 It's very light, and it's moving along your arm. 398 00:24:40,299 --> 00:24:41,561 Is he... I can barely... 399 00:24:41,634 --> 00:24:43,898 This is not so bad. I can barely feel... 400 00:24:43,970 --> 00:24:46,302 - You can make him go up your arm. - Is he crawling on me? 401 00:24:46,372 --> 00:24:48,772 He's crawling, he's crawling. You can walk. 402 00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:52,510 That is not... 403 00:24:57,383 --> 00:24:58,873 Oh, my God! 404 00:24:58,951 --> 00:25:01,545 Carol, there's one on your shoulder. 405 00:25:15,935 --> 00:25:17,869 Don't you drop me! 406 00:25:19,706 --> 00:25:22,641 Mr. Kutcher? Mr. Kutcher? 407 00:25:26,145 --> 00:25:28,079 We'll be right back. 408 00:25:33,553 --> 00:25:35,953 Come on, it was great, Larry. 409 00:25:36,022 --> 00:25:38,388 We killed $75,000 worth of spiders, Arty. 410 00:25:38,458 --> 00:25:41,586 - We got $100,000 worth of laughs. - Oh, please. 411 00:25:41,661 --> 00:25:44,129 Look at it this way. You finally got a chance... 412 00:25:44,197 --> 00:25:47,223 to do a sketch with the great Carol Burnett. 413 00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:52,363 It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up. 414 00:25:52,438 --> 00:25:55,839 Tomato, tomato. It was broad physical comedy. 415 00:25:55,908 --> 00:25:59,742 It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit. 416 00:25:59,812 --> 00:26:01,746 Yeah. Really? 417 00:26:03,483 --> 00:26:05,849 Well, I did overcome my fear, didn't I? 418 00:26:05,918 --> 00:26:07,852 Yes, for a second... 419 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,481 until you flung that poor creature to a fiery death. 420 00:26:12,692 --> 00:26:15,593 - But in a funny way. - For a hundred times... 421 00:26:15,661 --> 00:26:17,094 yes: 422 00:26:18,364 --> 00:26:21,265 - Good show. - Hank, sorry. 423 00:26:21,334 --> 00:26:24,235 Oh, no, the spider guy said it's a mild allergic reaction. 424 00:26:24,303 --> 00:26:26,328 It should run its course in about a week's time... 425 00:26:26,405 --> 00:26:29,340 and it's hardly noticeable. 426 00:26:31,577 --> 00:26:32,669 Yeah? 427 00:26:32,745 --> 00:26:35,270 Nothing. 428 00:26:37,183 --> 00:26:42,018 Huge laughs, Hank. Huge laughs, Larry. Huge. 429 00:26:42,088 --> 00:26:45,080 Yeah, there were some huge laughs, weren't there, Arty? 430 00:26:45,158 --> 00:26:46,591 Wanna watch the tape again? 431 00:26:46,659 --> 00:26:49,093 - Attaboy. - Come on, let's go. 432 00:26:49,143 --> 00:26:53,693 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35161

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